Go on, take the quiz.
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Moderator: We often hear endless arguments about which is better between Port Harcourt (PH) bole and Lagos bole (boli). Today, we have invited both plantains to Zikoko HQ to debate for the bragging rights of “Best Roasted Plantain”.
There are two rounds. In the first round, both parties will each get to present their arguments to the judges. They have two minutes each to make their arguments, so they need to be as brief as possible. In the second round, they’ll go toe-to-toe. May the best roasted plantain win.
PH Bole, you’re up first.
(PH Bole walks to the stand)
PH Bole: Good morning my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper and moderator. My name is roasted plantain, popularly known as “bole”, and I’m here to defend the motion that PH bole is the best roasted plantain to ever exist.
Image credit: NITDA Boli (interjects): That’s not the motion! We’re here to argue which roasted plantain is the best.
PH bole: That’s basically what I said.
(Boli rolls their eyes)
PH bole: As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I’d like to state that, first of all, the correct way to spell and pronounce it is B-O-L-E and not B-O-L-I. Lagos tried to be different by spelling their own with an “I”, but clearly, the “I” stands for “inferior”.
I believe I’m the best roasted plantain because everyone likes me. If you check the comments of all the Instagram and Twitter posts I appear in, you’ll see people talking about how much they want and crave me. They love me, not just because of my soft, well-roasted exterior, but also because of the people I surround myself with — people such as roasted fish, pepper sauce, snail, vegetables etc.
Dear judges, some people love me so much, they’re willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money to get me. See exhibit A below. You see, I’m a hot cake. Can Lagos say the same?
Exhibit A (PH walks back to their seat as Lagos walks to the stage)
Lagos Bole : Good morning, my able panel of judges, accurate timekeeper, and moderator. My name is Boli, and I’m here to defend the motion that Lagos’ roasted plantain is the best.
Image credit: NITDA (Bole rolls his eyes)
My opponent came on stage and bragged about how everybody likes them and how they’re a “hot cake”. But not once did they mention their usefulness to the people who love him. See, I bring people together: co-workers who go out to buy me and bond away from work, parents who make their children happy by giving me as a snack to their kids, etc.
PH Bole: I do all of that too!
Lagos Boli: Excuse me, I’m speaking.
PH Bole:
Lagos Boli: Also, people love me for me. I don’t need extras around to make people want me. I’m a hot cake on my own. Although sometimes I have my friend, groundnuts, with me. Plus, I’m very friendly and not proud; that’s why anyone can make me at home and can afford me outside. Can’t say the same for my Port Harcourt brother who needs fish and snail and other senrenren to be great.
Thank you.
(Boli walks back to his seat, and the moderator comes back to the stage)
Moderator: Well done on the first round. Now it’s time to face each other. You have five minutes.
Image credit: rehosmartbee Bole: I’m not arrogant. The reason why only certain people can make me is that I’m special. I don’t just let anybody touch me, unlike you that agrees to be eaten by everyone. SMH, no class.
Boli: Not you trying to slut-shame me in this big 2022. Don’t hate just because you’re expensive and people don’t like buying you. At least people can afford me even when they’re broke.
Bole: Who says I’m expensive? I cost a bit more than you because I come with extra pizzazz. At the end of the day, people eat me with my pepper sauce and roasted fish and are full and satisfied. I’m a full meal. Who wants to eat plantain and groundnut after a long stressful day at work?
Boli: I’m a snack. That’s why I only come with groundnut. People need me to hold their hunger. And also to help control their diets in a healthy way.
Bole: So you’re fat shaming now?
Boli: What? That’s not what I’m doing.
Bole: Mhm. If someone puts me with my roasted fish, side by side with you and your groundnuts, who do you think will be picked first?
Boli: So you’re a pick me now?
Bole: What???
Boli: Why don’t you face me, plantain to plantain, without all the extras?
Bole: The extras are what make me, me!
Boli: Ohooo, so you’re not good enough on your own?
Bole: That’s not what I’m saying-
Boli: Ladies and gentlemen, bole has agreed that he can’t taste good on his own. Hence —
Bole: At least I’m not surrounded by dirt with all the Lagos garbage that have stained your white.
Boli: You think you’re cleaner than me? Your city is literally covered in soot!
(Everyone gasps)
Moderator: Okay, that’s enough. Time’s up. Let’s take a short break and give the judges time to collate the results and decide on a winner.
(One of the judges walks to the stage)
Judge: Let me start by saying that both of you are winners. It’s just that one person must come first.
Bole and Boli:
Judge: Although there were a few low blows here and there, you both made solid arguments. After much deliberation, the best roasted plantain between PH Bole and Lagos Boli is…
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Dear plantain lovers,
Plantain is overrated.
Yes, I said it.
Whether it’s eaten as kelewele in Ghana, alloco on the streets of Cote’d’voire or makemba in the homes of the Congolese people, plantain is plantain and we’re all expected to love it. Why? I’m still unsure. But I’m tired of pretending to love this overrated meal. So even though an army of misguided plantain lovers will drag me, I’m finally ready to unapologetically admit that I hate plantain.
1. We were forced to eat it as kids
As kids, plantain came with almost every meal: rice, beans, eggs, boiled or fried yam and sometimes even pap or oatmeal. Just thinking about it makes me tired. Was it necessary to shoehorn plantain into everything?
One of my earliest memories of eating plantain was sitting at the dining table as my mother suspiciously watched to make sure every piece of plantain went down my throat. “It has vitamins,” she’d say. Of course, I couldn’t argue. It was better to eat than end up being punished for not finishing my food. My only escape was school. In primary school, I’d either toss my plantain in the bin or dash one of the plantain lovers in my class. So imagine my annoyance when I’d go home to meet plantain in a cooler again. Is it by force?
When I went to boarding school, my only consolation was being able to trade my plantain for anything: for a few more spoons of rice or even boiled egg for the next morning. That’s how bad I wanted to be rid of plantain.
RELATED: We Ranked Plantain Dishes From Worst to Best
2. Finding good plantain is stressful
Like pasta, plantain needs to be prepared a certain way to make any sense. If it’s too soft, it soaks up all the oil and ends up as a soggy mess. When it’s unripe, plantain tastes like cardboard — except you’re over 50+. So why not just live life without the stress of searching for sweet-in-the-middle plantain?
That’s why yam fries and potato chips rank higher on the food chain.
3. Plantain smells weird
Let’s be honest, every time you fry plantain, you end up smelling like a farm animal. You have to take a bath and wash your clothes to get rid of the smell.
4. It ruins everything it touches
I’ve accepted that I can never love plantain. Even plantain lovers need to admit that the puff-puff version of plantain — mosa — in small chops is an epic fail.
RELATED: We Went from Losing Weight at the Gym to Eating Puff-Puff Together
5. It’s overrated because it is
And that’s on period. Plantain lovers should stop acting like semo lovers who want everyone to love semo just because they love it.
Plantain haters deserve a safe space too, and I refuse to hide my distaste any longer. So like I said in the beginning, “I hate plantain.”
ALSO READ: Interview With Semo: “My Slander Is So Forced”
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Is your crush even a serious person if they don’t like plantain? I mean, all that elite goodness and they choose to eat what, yam? Tueh.
1. Dodo
What is life without fried plantain? Whether you want to eat it with beans, egg, or noodles, it slaps. If you want to take it a notch further, try it with bread.
2. Plantain mosa
Plantain Mosa is like the elder sister of Akara, but finer, sweeter, richer and more filling. Top it up with your favourite bottle of cold something.
3. Plantain chips
Should we start the crispyness or how busy it can keep your mouth in traffic? Plantain chips should always be in your bag as a true plantain advocate.
4. Boli
Plantain with fish sauce or groundnut hot from the grill. Very elite food if you know you know!
5. Dominos plantain pizza
What better way to treat your guests or yourself than with Dominos new (spicy) plantain pizza and plantain chops? Take your love for plantain to a whole new level. Visit Domino’s website to place an order now.
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1. Plantain that’s basically the crown on this Jollof.
2. This is the plantain that’s responsible for the glo up of beans.
3. Seriously, look at this greatness!
4. Gizdodo that won’t leave you for FIFA 2016.
5. This dodo that has two heads.
6. This plantain is not anybody’s mate.
7. Boli and fish that was only made for great people.
8. This dodo certainly has international exposure.
9. Plantain chips that will take away all your sorrow.
10. This boiled plantain that will give you instant six-packs.
