“You unlock this door with a key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, and a dimension of mind. You are moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You have just crossed over into… Ikeja Underbridge.”

– Zikokomag, 2019

(Fingers crossed that Rod Serling’s estate never sees this)

I’ve always had this theory that if hell or The Twilight Zone had gateways anywhere on earth, they would be at Ikeja underbridge. Why? Because there’s way too much shady stuff going on there for that place (and, by proxy, the people operating there) to not be affiliated with dark magic.

Backing up my theory are the frankly insane services that are offered under that bridge. Here’s a list:

1) Lip Colouring (Pink Lips)

If you’ve ever passed through Ikeja underbridge on foot then you’ve definitely seen them. They stand around in packs, approaching random passersby and brandishing small containers of a pink cream while quietly asking, “You wan do pink lips?”

I won’t lie, I considered doing this when I first heard about it. But seeing the results on the guys selling it reminded me why people should never get high on their own supply. All the guys I’ve seen obviously went ham on the cream application, ending with them looking like this:

2) Getting Tattoos.

Have you ever looked at someone’s body ink and wondered why it looked more like the effects of a violent flesh-eating bacteria than a tattoo? They most likely got the tattoo at Ikeja underbridge. Also, it’s the same pink lips guys that offer this service. I stan Kings (and queens?) of multi-tasking.

You can even get eyebrows permanently tattooed above your eyes, ensuring that you’ll be stuck in one fashion era for as long as you live.

3) Body piercings (Any body part)

Genitalia included. But the line, “I went to pierce my scrotum at Ikeja underbridge and something terrible happened” won’t elicit pity from anyone. Remember this when you’re being laughed at in slow motion because you’re in a hospital bed with your entire pelvis bandaged.

4) Surgical enhancements

Ikeja underbridge is the place you go to get surgery (butt, boobs, tummy tucks, penis enlargement) if you have plans to feature on a future episode of E!’s Botched.

5) Skin bleaching.

No more do you have to spend ₦200k on Bobrisky’s cream or ₦90k on Blac Chyna’s cream. Just mosey on down to Ikeja underbridge and have your skin whitened for a fraction of the cost of other creams.

The eventual skin damage is sold separately.

6) Teeth Bleaching.

I for one think it’s amazing that the good folks under the bridge at Ikeja have bypassed the almost decade-long training required to study dentistry and just went straight to practising. Unqualified people messing around in your mouth. What could go wrong?