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  • Hide Your Dogs From The Nigerian Police

    Hide Your Dogs From The Nigerian Police

    I would describe the presidential elections of February 25, 2023, as an experience. While some supporters of opposition parties are still waiting for INEC to say they somehow declared the wrong winner, other people have started preparing for the March 18 gubernatorial elections like they’re marching into war. 

    These people wouldn’t be entirely wrong, as many were victims of voter disenfranchisement and electoral violence in the last elections. So, to ensure that this doesn’t repeat itself on March 18, some Nigerians have decided to tap into their creative side by wanting to bring dogs and other pets to the polling units to scare thugs who might want to disrupt the elections.  

    Polling units around Nigeria were going to be filled with the scariest and toughest lineup of pets in the country, but unfortunately, the Nigerian Police Force (NPF) has once again decided to rain on our parade. 

    On March 7, 2023, the NPF released a statement saying Section 126(1) of the Electoral Act classifies dogs as offensive weapons that can be used to cause harassment and intimidation by their owners. Therefore, pets are banned from polling units, and the police discourage people from violating this law.

    So, maybe we should start looking for other ways to defend our votes and leave the animals out of it because the last kind of trouble anyone wants is one from the Nigerian police. 

    What Else Happened This Week?

    Light at the end of the tunnel of Naira scarcity

    If there’s one thing the Nigerian government’s good at, it’s making unnecessary policies that only serve to make our lives harder. In November 2022, President Bubu launched the newly designed naira banknotes, and the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) announced that it’d become the official tender from February 10, 2023. 

    Since the redesign, we’ve entered a rat race trying to get our hands on the new naira, which has proved harder than finding good roads in Ogun state. 

    However, after weeks of suffering, POS extortion, bank queues, and court cases, the Supreme Court finally came to our rescue on March 3, 2023, when they announced that the old banknotes should remain Nigeria’s legal tender until December 31, 2023. 

    governorship elections Nigerian police dogs

    Some commercial banks have already started paying customers old banknotes over the counter. And although some traders still refuse to accept them as payments, the CBN’s acting Director of Corporate Communications, Dr Isa Abdulmumin, has come out to reassure Nigerians that they can now receive the old banknotes as a form of payment.

    Video of the week

    Question of the week

    Lagos state governor, Babajide Sanwo-Olu, has choked us this week on social media with his achievements while in office. Can this help tip the elections in his favour in the gubernatorial elections?

    Ehen one more thing…

    We know the gubernatorial elections will be held on March 18, 2023. But do you know how many governors are vying for a second term? Check them here.

    Tolu Omotesho

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  • 9 Signs Your Partner’s Pet Hates You

    9 Signs Your Partner’s Pet Hates You

    It pees on your stuff

    Imagine spending the night at your partner’s house only to wake up and see their pet’s pee on your stuff. I honestly don’t understand how that relationship is going to work.

    It doesn’t bark when you’re leaving

    If your partner’s pet is silent when you’re leaving their house, you probably irritate it and it’s happy you’re leaving. My advice is that you and your partner start meeting at hotels.

    RELATED: If You’re Not Ready To Do These Things, Don’t Get a Dog

    It hides from you

    You probably think your partner’s pet is trying to play hide and seek by hiding from you. LMAO, no, it hates you. Please ask your partner to sell it or break up with them. Also please check yourself because why does an animal hate you?        

    It doesn’t listen to you

    Your partner’s pet obviously thinks you’re a dead guy (your partner’s pet’s words not mine).

    It doesn’t eat the food you give it

    What your partner’s pet is trying to tell you is that you’re a bad cook, you have bad taste and you should get out. If your partner’s pet would rather starve than eat the food you give it, omo it really hates you.

    It refuses to make TikToks with you 

    It could be two things: you’re boring or your partner’s pet doesn’t rate you. A pet that loves you will make viral TikToks with you.

    It doesn’t disturb you while you’re working

    Pets don’t understand the concept of space. If your partner’s pet doesn’t disturb you, then it disturbs someone else and that person isn’t you or your partner (do the math).

    It scratches/bites you

    I hope you don’t think that’s your partner’s pet’s way of showing love because it’s not. If your partner’s pet bites or scratches you, that’s a vampire out for your life. Please run!

    It looks at you like this

    This is a look of disgust and anger. I don’t know sha maybe the dog is just angry that it’s in Nigeria with you. Nigeria has a way of making everyone angry.

    Ralia

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  • Here’s 8 Ways You Can Nigerianise Your Pet

    Here’s 8 Ways You Can Nigerianise Your Pet

    Since your pet is your child, you need to help them stay in touch with their Nigerian roots. From food to clothes, here’s how to remind your pets that they are foundational Nigerians.

    1) Give them a traditional name

    Gone are the days were you name your pets Jack, Bingo, Ebenezer, Maximum protection, and other such names. Now is the time for them to embrace their true roots. A cat that is named Chukwudi or Osas will never forget where it’s from.

    2) Talk to them in your native language

    Your pets should be able to speak at least one native language before you introduce them to English. By the time you want to introduce English to your goat, it should be bleating in Hausa or Esan.

    RELATED: Goats Are Better Pets Than Dogs or Cats. We Can Explain

    3) Feed them native foods

    What is good for the parent is good for the child. How can you be clearing pounded yam and egusi while your pets eat food from a can? If they served you canned food all the time, will you like it? Better prepare some nice oha soup for your pets, let them know the taste of authentic Nigerian cuisine.

    4) Give them a traditional naming ceremony

    Naming a child in Nigeria is a very big deal, so you have to name your pet properly. Gather all the materials needed for the ceremony and get someone to bless your pet. Maybe if you do this, your pets won’t be behaving like they have evil spirits living inside of them.

    5) Remind them that they have just one head

    Whenever your pets misbehave, remind them that the other pets that aren’t causing their parents stress have just one head. You didn’t kill your parents, your pet won’t kill you.


    6) Send them on errands

    The best way to show your pets Nigerian culture is to be a very Nigerian parent. Sometimes ask your dog to bring you the remote control or tell your ram to bring you cold water. It’s the little things.

    RELATED: Here’s Why You Should Keep a Ram as a Pet

    7) Buy them land

    Once they have property in Nigeria, they are truly children of the soil. Whoever wants to contest their Nigerianness with you should speak to your lawyers.

    8) Get them Nigerian passports

    With the way the Nigerian humans are rejecting the passports, surely there’s enough for the pets of the country? With a Nigerian passport, they’re recognised both home and abroad.

    RELATED: QUIZ: Which Passport Do You Actually Deserve?

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Why Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is Basically a Cat

    Why Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is Basically a Cat

    Have you ever noticed the similarities between your Nigerian girlfriend and a cat? Well, we’ve noticed eight.

    1) They like your own space but you can’t be in theirs

    If a cat likes you, they’d try to spend a lot of time in your personal space. If your Nigerian girlfriend likes you, she’d try to enter your skin, but if she’s sitting alone and you try to sit beside her, problem. What’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is theirs.

    2) They’re expensive

    Love with a Nigerian woman is sweet, but when money enters, it’s so much sweeter. To take care of a cat will set you back a lot of money, and same with your babe.

    3) Constantly watching you make your stupid decisions

    Not only will your cat and Nigerian babe watch you do your nonsense, they both will judge you after you do your rubbish. The eyes of your cat will judge you and your babe will keep saying “shey you see what you’ve done to yourself?”

    4) Best in grooming

    Cats are the bad bitches of pets, and bad bitches can’t be caught lacking. That’s why they’re constantly grooming themselves. Your babes skincare costs the same as someone’s yearly rent because bad bitches have to look great always.

    5) They’re wicked

    How many songs are named after Nigerian men? Exactly! It’s because they don’t do anything. But you see the wickedness women have shown men? It’s enough for them to enter studio.

    6) Living with them means hair everywhere

    If it’s not from their many many wigs, it’s from wash day or retwist day. You know what else leaves hair everywhere? Cats.

    7) You look better by association

    Simply owning a cat is a huge flex and will improve anyone’s desirability. Dating a Nigerian babe will you just make you finer and hotter. The glow they provide is immaculate.

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 7 Reasons Why You Should Date a Cat Dad

    7 Reasons Why You Should Date a Cat Dad

    Getting into a relationship with a cat dad is the best gift you can give yourself. Do you know what it means for a man to agree to commit to something that might live for 15 years? Someone who fully understands how to earn love? Come on, what’s not to love? 

    1. They will understand your mood swings

    Cat dads understand when to give you space and when to give you attention. If you’ve had to deal with those furry crackheads, you’d mind your own business too. 

    2. They have a great sense of humour

    Some of the funniest videos on the internet are videos of cats doing stupid things. This means that men who love cats appreciate those things and have a great sense of humour. A man that has a great sense of humour is also great in bed, according to Zikoko chapter 12 verse sex life. It’s just quick math.

    3. They always have a clean space

    Cats spend so much time grooming themselves that they’d eventually have to learn from his cat. Cat dads are more likely to have well-kept fingernails and a clean home than… let’s not bring big dogs to a catfight, sha.

    4. He will show you off

    One thing these guys will do is post pictures of their cats no one asked for. If you date him, all his followers and contacts will see an annoying amount of your pictures, but still not as many as those of his cat. Yes, your competition is a cat. 

    5. He won’t mind seeing your hair everywhere

    Cats and women share one thing in common; dropping hair offerings for you everywhere. He is so used to dealing with cat hairs, this is the last thing he’ll ever complain about. 

    6. They are experts at reading body language

    Cats do not show emotions as often as dogs do. If he can read a cat’s body language, he can read yours. Although we think you should just explain your feelings like an adult.

    7. They are rich

    This is the most important one because most cat dads are tech bros, and tech bros have money, and having money is a valid reason to date them. I said what I said. 

    [newsletter]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • What Owning a Cat Says About You

    What Owning a Cat Says About You

    Owning pets means much more than it appears on the surface. Each pet you choose to own says something deep about your personality. If you own a cat, here’s what it says about you. Don’t even try to argue, we never lie.

    1. You like to love people who don’t love you back.

    Oyindamola🙄 on Twitter: "… "

    Think about it: you beg your cat to come for cuddles, you do the most to get your cat to acknowledge you. Now take a good look at your dating history, is this not the same pattern that happens? 

    2. You are a woman learning how to be more wicked.

    The Zikoko Guide To Being A Wicked Nigerian Woman | Zikoko!

    Cats are the epitome of wickedness. Them no send anybody, even the owner, and nobody can take them for a ride. So, if you own a cat, you are definitely a woman learning how to increase your wickedness so that nobody will take you for a ride. 

    3. You’re a Yoruba man learning how to be more callous.

    13 Ways To Identify A Struggling Nigerian Man | Zikoko!

    Anything the cat does becomes a lesson for you. Keeping your role model as a pet so you can become more effective at heartbreak and demonic activities. We sight you, boss. 

    4. You are a young person who has no plans of having children.

    Fuck Them Kids

    Yes, and you got that cat so that each time you have baby fever, you would think of how the cat never really loves you back, and it’ll serve as a reminder that children will be just as cruel, if not more.

    5. You have money.

    5 Things You'll Relate To If Your Data Plan Finishes Too Quick | Zikoko!

    Because, come to think of it, why would you take on the responsibility of caring for a cat in this economy if it’s not because you have money to spare?

    6. You don’t like people.

    10 Solid Proof That Your Village People Are After You | Zikoko!

    This is probably why you didn’t get a dog. You like your people the same way you like your pets: wanting very little of you, able to survive on their own and not intruding in your personal space. Are we right or are we right?

    7. You like cleanliness.

    All The House Chores You Hated As A Child | Zikoko!

    This is a good trait, let’s be honest. It’s why you chose a cat as your pet. Everything is neat and clean.

    8. You like it rough.

    Cats scratch you when they are angry, when they are trying to steal your food, when they are trying to love up on you. You complain but you don’t cut their nails. You complain, yet you go after them despite all the scratches. Quick question…How do you like it in bed? Rough, yeah? We thought as much.

    13 Ways To Know When Your Pet Has Become Possessed

    13 Ways To Know When Your Pet Has Become Possessed | Zikoko!

    [donation]

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 7 Things No One Tells You About Owning A Dog

    7 Things No One Tells You About Owning A Dog

    No one talks about the reality of owning a dog because no one likes to admit that taking care of them can be hard. The next time you’re having baby fever and your brain tries to lie to you that getting a dog is a better option, refer back to this article. 

    1. Dogs don’t like when you disturb their routine

    If you let them get used to a particular routine during weekdays and you think you can sleep in during the weekends, be prepared for a rude wake-up call. No, seriously, they will whine and bark so much you’ll lose your mind. 

    2. Dog hair gets everywhere

    Is shedding normal? Yes. Is it annoying? Also yes. Unfortunately, almost all dogs shed. Be prepared to find dog hair under your bed, on your clothes, in your mouth and your hair. It’ll be everywhere. Be prepared to be best friends with a lint roller. 

    3. They can be understanding

    Sometimes they can tell when you’re sad because they spend time observing you. They know when you like having dinner, when your partner comes over, when you abandon them and go to work and they act accordingly. 

    4. Make sure you research all types of breeds 

    The reality about owning a dog is that if you don’t do your research it will end in tears.  You can’t buy a Lhasa when you live in an area that requires that you have a German shepherd. Not all dogs will eat cold eba and okro. 

    5. Get ready to sacrifice your time.

    Dogs are no different from kids, you will find yourself cancelling plans because you couldn’t get anyone to watch your dog.  If you’re into risk-taking though, you can leave them unattended, good luck with that nice rug you just got.  If you can’t make the sacrifice, just buy a stuffed toy. 

    6. Everything is a bed

    Dogs love soft surfaces–rugs, pillows, piles of laundry, your breasts or chest, testicles, kidneys. All that matters is that they are comfortable, that’s all that should matter to you too. 

    7. You need to trim their nails 

    Nail trimming is much easier if you do it when your dog’s nails are wet. This little tidbit will save you hours of stress and effort. Except you like when their nails get caught in all your nice things then please cut it.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Reasons Why Nigerian Dogs Should Pay Tax

    8 Reasons Why Nigerian Dogs Should Pay Tax

    Sometimes it feels like there are more dogs than humans in Nigeria, so they should be required to pay tax. If you need to be convinced, here are eight reasons why.

    1) They are constantly roaming the streets

    The streets of Nigeria were made with taxpayers money. So, why are freeloaders using it more than the people that paid for it? Sometimes, they’d even chase taxpayers off of the streets. This is unacceptable. If they want equal access to the roads, they should open their doggy wallets.

    How tax collectors should pull up to those dogs

    2) Destruction of property

    Dogs need to stop getting away with chewing up shoes and knocking things over. The time has come for them to learn about the consequences of their actions. The owners should not pay so the dogs can learn to be responsible. This is why I propose a new government body called Dog Income Collection Service. Puppy dog eyes won’t work for the law.

    3) Feeding

    Manna will not always fall from heaven, and these creatures need to realise that. If they want to continue enjoying food to their hearts content, they need to open their purses.

    4) Every Nigerian must pay tax

    These dogs are basically Nigerian citizens at this point. Either by birth, naturalization, etc. The time how now come for them to perform their basic civic duty. Citizenship is not free.

    5) Retirement homes

    If they do not pay tax, how do they plan on retiring? The tax can also serve as a retirement fund for when they just can’t be as agile as they used to be.

    This kind of life is not cheap

    6) Healthcare

    Any small thing, they need to go to the vet. Since vets are so expensive, imagine if dogs paid their own way? you know how expensive vets are? Imagine if dogs paid tax and healthcare was covered by the government? #freeuniversalhealthcareforall

    7) Tough times are lasting

    Nigeria is broke. It is time for man’s best friend to give back to man. We’ve been there for them, they need to be here for us.

    8) They are wealthy

    Since the plan is to tax the wealthy, that should also include dogs and their endless generational wealth. If you didn’t know dogs are wealthy, ask yourself, what are they always hiding/burying? It’s funds.

    I hope with these few points of mine, I’ve been able to convince you and not confuse you that Nigerian dogs need to be taxed

    For more on what’s inside this life, click here

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 7 Things EVERY Cat Owner Can Relate To

    7 Things EVERY Cat Owner Can Relate To

    If you are a cat owner, you can definitely relate to any of the things in this post.

    1) Being a servant

    Your main purpose is to serve them, worship them, and adore them. Do you think you are a parent? Ha! You are nothing but a servant created to tend to the wills of your master, the cat. You do not own the cat. The cat owns you.

    2) No more personal space

    Your cat is always in your business. The biggest amebo of all time. You can’t just do anything around it without it wanting to come and see what’s happening. Amebo raised to power 1. You can be having sex and your cat comes in and sits on your face. You are working from home and you have a presentation? Your cat will sit on your laptop. Boundaries? They don’t know the meaning of the word.

    3) Finding hair everywhere

    Your bed, your brush, your fridge, your underwear. If hair can enter, you will find it there. The hair, like your cat, has no respect for your personal space.

    4) Inability to sleep

    Your cat will nap all the time EXCEPT the time you actually want to sleep. Then it feels like they have drank three energy drinks and they will sit their buttocks on your head and look down on your face. That’s when they realise they want to love you.

    5) Always having kittens

    If your cat isn’t getting pregnant, it’s getting another act pregnant. When God said be fruitful and multiply, cats took that personally. To a cat owner reading this article, your cat is pregnant. You don’t just know yet.

    6) Expensive cat food

    Not only is cat food harder to find that dog food, but it’s also more expensive. Cat food is more expensive that the overpriced food in Lagos restaurants. To add icing to your cake, cats can be really picky eaters. Today it’s good, tomorrow it’s bad.

    You after buying cat food.

    7) Having lots of broken things

    Cats love to climb really high things and strut. The world is their runway and they will knock whatever is in their way out of it. Unfortunately, that thing might be your phone, vase, or other expensive property. Sorry.

    For more stories on what’s inside this life, please click here

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Lion As A Security Guard? I’ve Got Questions

    Lion As A Security Guard? I’ve Got Questions

    Nigerians are yet to come to terms with the fact that cats can be pets but now have to deal with the fact that someone thinks a lion is tame enough to have as a security guard. Reports now confirm that a two-year-old lion was discovered in a residential building in the Victoria Island area of Lagos State.

    The whole thing is so ridiculous, it makes me question the rationale of the Indian man who must have thought it too cliche to have a dog, so he decided to get a lion instead; training it to keep visitors out.

    Which brings me to these questions:

    How was the owner able to get the wild animal into his home without anyone knowing?

    Where are our nosy neighbours when you need them?

    Does anyone know how expensive it is to feed a Lion in Buhari’s Nigeria?

    Because I’m really wondering.

    The police force was quick to deploy officers to the residential area but remains slow to take action against the rampant insecurities in Nigeria?

    Twisted priorities much?

    Authorities took the Lion to the Lekki zoo yesterday; can they show us videos of how they did that?

    I’m pretty sure it will give me lots of lol moments.

    Do the authorities know that whatever zoo they plan to take this poor animal to in this country is dilapidated?

    Who visits zoos these days?

    But wait o, imagine if someone who’s scared of dogs goes visiting and sees a lion?

    DEAD

    Apparently, the Indian may be prosecuted if he can’t come up with a good reason why the lion is in his home. But, I don’t think that’s good enough.

    Surely, if LASPARK can sanction someone for cutting down trees then the Lagos State Environmental Sanitation and Special Offences Unit SHOULD definitely prosecute someone who knowingly jeopardized people’s safety; no maybe about it. What if the lion had killed someone?

    Gabriella Opara

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