Parties | Zikoko!

An Ultimate Guide to Throwing the Coolest Campus Party

Cool parties don’t just happen by chance. There are several experiences and boxes that need to be ticked — If it didn’t dey, it didn’t dey. That’s why this guide exists. If you don’t see these activities at your next campus party, feel free to head out.

But maybe there’s no need to ‘lurn’ the hard way; you can learn easily from University of Port Harcourt, University of Nigeria, Imo State University and University of Lagos students’ experience during the Sabinus campus tour that Malta Guinness refreshed recently. Nigerian Students no dey carry last, after all.

The coolest people

What’s a cool party without the cool kids? The cool kids are always down to have a good time, and you’ll always find them where the fun is.

Exciting artist line-up

The first box to tick has to be music. How else do you want to dance and forget that you have a million tests to read for and a gazillion assignments to turn in if the music performances aren’t epic?

Rap battles and dance contests

The chance to have the time of your life AND show your talent? Sign us up. Who knows if that’s where your entertainment career will take up from? Besides, there’s no easier way to become more popular on campus.

Stand-up comedian performances

Not every time, dance. Sometimes you just want to laugh till your ribs ache like the students who enjoyed the Malta Guinness X Sabinus Campus Tours. We have it in good standing that there was no dry moment. How could there be? Do you know how many stand-up comedians there were? And haven’t you watched a Sabinus video?

Drinks and mocktails

Who says you can’t have a good time without getting a headache the next day? As long as there are ice-cold cans of Malta Guinness and delightful Malta Guinness-infused mocktails for wholesome nourishment, you’re good to go.

Fire set-ups

Of course, you’d need cute backdrops for Instagrammable pictures. It’s the law.

Giveaways too

What do all campus parties have in common? Students going through one stage of sapa or the other. So they wouldn’t say no to giveaways. There were freebies and giveaways at the Sabinus Live in Concert Campus Tours sponsored by Malta Guinness. If I were you, I’d keep my eyes peeled for the next one. Just saying.

Malta Guinness remains committed to fostering a world of good, promising more vibrant experiences ahead! For further updates on how best to throw campus parties, follow Malta Guinness NG on Instagram and visit www.facebook.com/maltaguinness to learn more.

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Tife Oni

December 1, 2023

Inside Life

malta guinness, Nigerians, Parties, sabinus, students
Spotify’s Journey of a Billion Streams Was a Trip

Spotify threw a party on Friday to celebrate Afrobeats’ Journey of a Billion Streams, and I’d like to thank my boss and colleagues for dragging me to this event. Between the dancing, drinks, and performances, I had the time of my life. Here are all my favourite things from the event:

The silent disco

The only thing I love more than a party with loud music is one with zero music, headphones on, and everyone listening to whatever they want. While a DJing was jamming inside the event centre, Spotify set up a cute corner outside where we could listen to whatever we wanted on the headphones before we got into the full swing of things.

The photo booths

There’s nothing worse than going out as a baddie and coming back with zero pictures or videos to document your fit, so I was beyond elated to see the three photo booths Spotify blessed us with. Did I proceed to spend a good amount of time getting acquainted with these photo booths? Yes, I definitely did.

The performances

I’m not even going to lie. I knew this wasn’t a party I wanted to miss when I saw Fave and Shallipopi on the poster. But then I actually saw all the artists perform, and I really do mean it when I say it’s worth the hide and seek my voice is still playing with me.

The drinks

Believe it or not, the best part of the party wasn’t screaming “Men mount” at the top of my voice; it was actually the free drinks. All I had to do was ask for a drink when I walked into the party, and I got this passion fruit cocktail that tasted divine. Of course, I proceeded to have two more cocktails and a couple cups of champagne, but only because I was offered.

The DJ sets

It’s been two days since the party, and I still think about the transitions the DJs gave us. Every single DJ got on the stage with a vengeance, and I absolutely loved it because they kept all of us hyped AF. Sarz if you’re seeing this, call me, please.

The hosts

A party is only ever as good as the hosts, and they did the business. All MIA had to do was get on that stage and give us her legendary dance moves, and my seat never saw me again.

The people

Lagosians never really need a reason to turn up, but Spotify gave us one, and everyone showed off and out. Everyone was dancing and having the time of their lives. At some point, the crowd formed a circle, and people just started dancing in it.

Hans & Renee

After screaming my lungs out and dancing till my feet almost fell off, I took a well-deserved break and went in search of yet another drink (don’t judge me). Instead, my lactose intolerance and I found the Hans & Renee ice cream stand, and it was worth all the discomfort and belly ache that followed.

The next time Spotify calls, I shall be there. But until then you can find me bopping to Shallipopi on the Spotify app.

Chioma Munachi

October 17, 2023

Pop

afrobeats, Parties, Spotify
8 Party Souvenirs From the 80’s/90’s That Were Actually Useful

Nobody parties better than Nigerians. Back when the economy wasn’t everyone’s biggest prayer point, and they could actually afford to host legendary parties every other Friday, nobody gave the best party favors.

To prove this, I went on a long search online and compiled this list.

Trays

Source: myguide-cdn.com

After serving looks at the party, it’s only right your hosts send you off with a tray so you can never stop serving.

Plastic hand fans

Source: nairaland.com

Nigeria is hot AF, so thumbs up for the forward-thinking and practicality of this gift.

Bottle openers

Source: amazon.com

In an era of bottle caps that could break your teeth and leave you unable to function for weeks, openers were always welcomed.

Coolers

Source: images.yaoota.com

If there was one thing the party hosts didn’t joke with back then, it was coolers. Whether empty or full, one thing was for sure; you’d leave with a cooler.

Bags

Source: wetinuneed.com

They came in all shapes and sizes, but best believe they were cute, functional, and would last till you were old and grey.

Bowls

Source: zikoko.com

Bathing and kitchen bowls didn’t matter what type of bowl it was as long as they could hold water and carry your other souvenirs from the party.

Customized towels and napkins

Source: bulksuppliers.com

If you went to a party and left with either of these, your hosts were swimming in money, and chances are, you were too.

A customized notebook

Source: olist.ng

Emphasis on the customized. If the notebook didn’t state the name of the celebrant(s) like this, “join us to celebrate x”, or “x is 10”, then you didn’t attend a party.

GET YOUR HERTITUDE TICKETS HERE

Chioma Munachi

April 25, 2023

Inside Life

Oldies, Parties, Souvenirs
8 Ways to Get Detty December Concert Tickets Without Selling Your Kidney

Dear Nigerian musicians, please and please, you’re not the only one inflation is using to play ludo. What are these Detty December concert prices?

After all the stress of 2022, we agree you deserve not just Z! Fest in November but all the concerts in December too, just for premium enjoyment. But how do you attend your fave’s shows despite your struggling funds? Let’s break it down.

Date a bouncer

This is a classic case of sleeping with the enemy. Bouncers are the main reason you can’t get into a Nigerian concert without a ticket. So imagine how easy your life would be if you started dating one or two. They won’t be able to chase you with their muscles. Just make sure you date the ones guarding the doors to lit concerts, not dead ones abeg.

Become a backup dancer

Almost every musician needs a backup dancer, and not everyone can afford Kaffy. A surefire way to attend Nigerian concerts is by learning how to legwork and break dance at the same time. If you don’t know how to do this yet, come to Z! Fest on the 26th of November [2022] to learn from Liquorose.

Sell your father’s house in the village

When it comes to choosing between family inheritance and Asake concert tickets, I expect you to make a wise choice and organise that money ASAP. After all, your father would’ve done the same thing for Fela or Bongos Ikwue back in the day.

Become a musician

You still have till the end of November to record and release a song that’ll make you blow. Once you become famous, bigger artists invite you to open their show, and you can join the crowd after your performance. Trust me, singing is not that hard. We have like five singers here at Zikoko.

RECOMMENDED: 7 Ways To Enjoy Detty December On A Budget

Follow people who can afford tickets on social media

Who says you can’t attend a concert virtually from the comfort of your own room? Sure, you might miss most of the show and drain your data, but at least it’s free, and you don’t have to stand and wait till 3 am for a 7 pm show to start.

Befriend an IJGB

The only reason you’re complaining about the price of Detty December concert tickets is because you still earn in naira. If you convert these ticket prices to pounds or dollars, it’s not even up to the money IJGBs spend on McDonald’s abroad. Just make sure you avoid the ones who want to ruin your life sha, because those ones are plenty.

Learn how to vomit foreign currencies

I know it sounds impossible, but thankfully, Zikoko has already dropped tips on how to vomit pounds. Look at us teaching the leaders of tomorrow how to create their own foreign reserves. I stan.

Stream your fave’s music and imagine it’s live

Please, print out your fave’s picture, open your Spotify app, place that printed picture on your chest, then close your eyes and imagine they’re performing right in front of you. Like Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston sang, “You will when you believe”.

ALSO READ: 10 Types Of People You’re Likely To Meet At A Concert This December

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

November 22, 2022

Pop

asake, Concerts, December, Detty December, Parties, Z Fest
How to Throw a Chaotic Good Party, According to Chiby Iwobi

Everyone knows that Chiby Iwobi is the undisputed king of nightlife in Lagos. From South Socials to HardRock, Chiby has the whole of Lagos by the neck, sometimes literally.

In 3 months @JeSuisChiby is going to be on a magazine cover explaining how he solved night outs in Lagos.

"um….I wasn't trying to sell bottle service"
— Ma Fo Asake (@tmtisclutch) September 5, 2022

So who better to give us tips on how to throw a sick party than the man himself?

Long Islands that’ll have people seeing their forefathers on the dance floor

What is a party without long island? This drink is the master of chaos because of how it shows everyone’s true colours. The best part is no one can tell when it’ll hit, so you could be acting all calm and before you know it, your inner werey has been exposed to the world and you’re in a corner texting your ex, “I miss you.”

Ashawo outfits

To ensure people survive the heat, you have to make sure they pull up dressed like seduction is their first and middle name. I’m talking ashawo shorts, shirts unbuttoned to the navel, show me your backs and spaghetti tops. If you combine all the fabric in this party, it mustn’t be more than five yards.

Someone feeding everyone tequila like it’s Nutri C

Everyone who comes to my parties knows this is my job. Once you pull up, I will feed you tequila. If you’re too busy to do this yourself, make sure you have a friend pouring tequila down everyone’s throat so they can loosen up.

Heat and sweat

Are you really having fun if you’re not sweating like a conductor under Oshodi bridge traffic at 8 p.m. on a Monday evening? The heat and the sweat are a core part of party culture. Get into it.

People from the TL

A party is only as good as the conversation people are having about it on the interwebs. You need people to login to Twitter and have fomo. They should be choking and crying in a corner because they missed your party. Intense heartbreak!

RECOMMENDED: How to Be a Feminist That Nigerian Men Love, According to Uloma

Adventurous people and drunkards

You can’t have a party where everyone is sober and acting normal. That is a big no-no. Everyone present must be ready to lose their home training at any fucking time!

People looking to find love or scatter other people’s relationships

For a party to really hit, you need a mixture of people looking to get cuffed and people looking to scatter other people’s relationships. One way or the other, cuffing will occur, and you’ll get to attend a wedding by Saturday morning.

Dim lights so people can’t tell their exes from their current baes

One minute you’re dancing with the love of your life, and the next thing, you’re receiving a lap dance from your university ex or that sneaky link whose number you saved as “Edible Catering”. You can blame the lights all you want, but the heart wants what it wants.

Speed dating with tech bros

Everyone is looking for a tech bro these days, so imagine a party where you have tech bros and people looking to date tech bros?

DJ Tohbad in the dj booth tearing shit up

I have the baddest DJ in Lagos, so please find yours. That’s all I can say.

ALSO READ: I Never Saw Myself As the Head of Anything — Man Like Chiby Iwobi

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

September 5, 2022

Pop

Chiby Iwobi, clubbing, music, Parties
The Introvert’s Guide to Enjoying Parties

As much as you may want to stay indoors forever, that’s simply not possible. Well, it can be for the most part, but once in a while, you may find yourself outside.

So whether you’re an introvert or just sick of human beings, here’s how to enjoy parties as an introvert.

Prepare yourself

Shey you know that saying about failing to prepare and preparing to fail. So whether you’d take the days before the event to stay indoors and enjoy the solitude, or you’d start going to new places days before to ease yourself into going outside and socialising. Find whatever works for you and prepare yourself.

Know the guest list

Imagine going to a party where you don’t know anyone besides the host. You’d now be stuck with an unending chain of “what’s your name, how do you do?” questions.

Related: The Introvert’s Guide to Making Friends

Go with your friend

At least you’ll have someone to gist with during the party. And since you’re already friends, there’ll be no pressure on you to force conversations.

Join the game

Sure, truth or dare may come up during the party, and you may be dared to make out with someone or show another person your underwear, but at least you’re not just sitting in a corner.

Related: Interview With Truth or Dare: “Why Are Nigerian Men So Horny?”

Do the listening

Nigerians like to talk, so don’t be surprised if you ask them one question and they respond by telling you about a million other things you don’t care about. Just make sure you nod your head at intervals, smile and throw in an “ehen?” or “hmmm” once in a while, so they think you’re paying attention.

Take breaks

Nobody can kuma beat you. If you’re feeling exhausted from all the socialising, just find somewhere you can go to be alone.

Have an exit plan

Even before you go, have a list of ~~excuses~~ urgent reasons why you need to leave. So if or when you get tired of the party, you can just slip out.

If you’re still not convinced about going out, then read: The Introvert’s Guide to Pulling Out of Any Outing.

Meyimi O.

August 31, 2022

Inside Life

introvert, Parties
No Owambe Is Complete Without These 7 People

Nothing can stop Nigerians from throwing elaborate parties, wearing asoebi and generally having the time of their lives. Same way, you can’t attend owambe and not find these people.

The fashionistas

This one will do anything to stand out. If you’re not careful, you’ll mistake them for the celebrant. Wearing the latest style, flawless makeup and expensive jewellery, they turn heads as they go. They’re either there to represent or pepper someone.

The foodies

They’re there just for the food, so imagine trying to skip them when you’re sharing? They’ll fight you. It doesn’t matter if they can’t pronounce the name of the food or have never seen it before, as long as it’s on the menu, they want it. They’re the actual embodiment of awoof dey run belle.

RELATED: These 6 Nigerian Meals Should Be on All Owambe Menus

The content creators

They don’t just attend owambes, they make sure their whole contact list attends with them. With how diligent they are in creating content, you’d wonder if they’re getting paid for it. They take pictures and videos of everything; food, decor, themselves…

The dancers

Mostly found on the bridal train or among the groomsmen, these ones just want to show off their dance moves. Their videos will end up trending, so that’s good.

The party crashers

We call these ones mo gbo mo ya. They have no idea what the name of the couple is, but they were bored and heard about the party, so there they are. You’d think they’re part of the family in their best fit, and with the biggest smiles.

RELATED: How To (Successfully) Gatecrash An Owambe In Nigeria

The commentators

With years of owambe experience under their belt, they believe they know how everything should be. Their job is to criticise everything, from hall size to the bridal train dresses and the texture of meat.

The scouts

They’re at different parties every other week, hoping to find the love of their lives. Or at least, the next person to sponsor their soft life.

ALSO READ: The Most Effective Ways to Avoid Aso-Ebi Billing

Meyimi O.

July 31, 2022

Inside Life

Owambe, Parties
How to Successfully Plan a Surprise Party for Your Nigerian Parents

Our parents have gotten older now, and it’s our turn to make them happy. But Nigerian parents make it tough to surprise them. Nigerian mums always want to know what you’re doing; they’re always in your business.

We’re going to help you with a few tips on how to successfully throw a surprise party for your Nigerian parents.

1. Tell them to follow you to a religious event

Nigerian parents are often very religious and won’t hesitate to follow you to a religious event. They’ll be impressed that God has finally touched your life and will be a little to enthusiastic about the trip.

2. Don’t tell their friends about the party till the night before

You don’t want anyone ruining the surprise you’ve spent months planning. If you tell your mum’s friend early on, the invitation to the event will end up on her Unique Sisters WhatsApp group chat. Wait until the night before to invite their friends to the surprise.

3. Don’t live in the same house with them

If you don’t live with your parents, you’re safe. But if you live in the same house with your parents, one of your parents is going to sniff the information out from you. Move out of their house until you let the cat out of the bag. I don’t know where you’re going to live in the meantime o, but sha move out of their house until it’s over.

RECOMMENDED: Every Nigerian Parent’s Search History Probably Looks Like This

4. Tell them you’re taking them out to see their favourite actor

Tell them you have tickets for them to hang out with their favourite actors. You think Nigerian parents don’t care about things like this, but they really do. Alternatively, you can also try to have that actor at the surprise party.

5. Drive around your area and attend any party you see going on with them

You didn’t throw the party or plan it, but you attended it with them nonetheless. If they’re not even disappointed by your action, they’ll be surprised you decided to be a “mogbo, moya” (translation: “I heard, I turned”).

6. Surprise them by getting married

If you’re unmarried, find a boo and get married. That’ll def surprise your parents. Give your parents a reason to celebrate, be happy and also surprised. If your parents are still not surprised after all this, then we don’t know for you again.

ALSO READ: 10 Things to Be Prepared for When Planning a Wedding in Nigeria

Ibukun

March 17, 2022

Inside Life

Owambe, Parties
A Party with a Purpose! Johnnie Walker takes Island Block Party to Heights
Johnnie Walker partnered with Island Block Party to host one of the highly anticipated events of the year. It was truly an unforgettable experience as they served us the perfect blend of music, whiskey and games.

Guests had fun engaging with the Johnnie Walker #NoLabels quote while making up their own quotes to spice up the fun. Others had fun with the live experiences on-ground from the face painting to the customized merch provided by some creatives.
With its theme – #PartyNotConcert, the hypemen and DJs kept the energy up as they thrilled guests with some of the chart-topping music. The climax of the event was when Victony, one of the most promising breakout acts of 2021, ditched his wheelchair to deliver some of his hit songs while standing on his two feet. It was a moment to behold.

Other performances which took our breath away were Focalistic giving us some of that Amapiano magic and Falz, dropping some of his comic skills along with his tracks. Johnnie Walker also had its bar on-ground with enough of its signature highball cocktails and Red Label Pocket Scotch to keep the crowd pumped up for the artist’s performances.
Guests had a fun-filled night and were super ready to party till the morning. No surprise there though! Anywhere you find Johnnie Walker, best believe the show never stops. This partnership encourages young creatives to freely express themselves and keep walking their paths irrespective of the negative labels thrown at them.

See some of the experiences below:
Susan Nwaobiala

January 6, 2022

Announcements

Block pay, johnnie walker, Parties, party
7 Strange Things That Were At Every Children’s Party In The 90s

1) Appetisers consisting of soft Cabin biscuits and undiluted Tasty Time.

The biscuits were soft because they’d been set out in the open for long and the juice was undiluted because fuck diabetes.

2) Candy so strong it’ll break a few of the children’s teeth.

In the absence of rock hard candy, there was always candy so sugary that it rot their teeth instantly.

3) A fucking terrifying clown

I don’t understand how children like this shit.

4) People cosplaying as severely malnourished/strung out versions of popular cartoon characters.

Barney the Dinosaur was the common one.

5) Dancing competitions where the kids dance to absurdly explicit songs for a chance to win worthless prizes.

Children would stomp the yard and each other (these things always involve small violence) for the grand prize; A Maths Set.

6) Terrible pictures of all the kids.

Have you ever tried holding a child’s attention during picture time? The worst.

7) Party packs full of even more useless stuff.

Goody Goody, Barbie pencils that snap in half if you hold them with more than two fingers, a glass pencil sharpener, etc.

Astor George

September 8, 2020

Inside Life

Children, Nigerian, Nostalgia, Parties
All The Reasons You Hated Going For Parties As A Child

1. Those fucking mascots

These things were definitely not there to entertain us. They were there to punish us for every evil we’d done in the past. What the fuck?

2. People that forced you to dance

Pls I don’t want to dance

They’ll drag you out with all the kids and force you to dance to P.Square’s “Roll It” while making sarcastic remarks about your dancing abilities.

3. Those creepy adults

They’ll walk up to you and start asking you all sorts of questions like “You’re big now, what are you eating?” or “Do you remember me?”, like please just leave me along if you’re not giving me money please and please.

4. “Pimps”

They’ll randomly start pairing you with a guy/girl your age and saying “Look at your girlfriend”. Like bro I’m 8.

5. Uncles that didn’t give you money

Imagine doing all that dancing and nobody sprays you money. Wasted day. Wasted energy.

David Odunlami

August 23, 2020

Inside Life

90s Kids, Parties
7 Ways To Enjoy Detty December On A Budget

It’s the festive period and you want to have as much fun as you can handle. That pepper dem song should have had your name on it but no worries, you plan to create a new song for yourself while you’re having a lit December.

But the only blip on your radar at the moment is limited funds, truth is your income is not as big as your spending goals. So you’re thinking of the best way to manage your funds and still have the best time of your life. Well, we’ve got some tips for you:

1) Know what you want:

There are so many events that will clamour for your attention this month, from concerts to mini get-together’s, festivals, office parties, family hangouts and so much more.

The key to getting the best experience is to know which one would be the most fun for you to attend, as well as being cost-effective. This is where the scale of preference you learned in secondary school comes in, choose wisely. Do you really want to go to yet another dinner and award when you could be rocking it at a concert with your favourite artistes? That’s up to you to decide.

2) Buy tickets on time:

Early birds get the best worm. You don’t want to be biting your finger in regret when you hear that you could have gotten a ticket at 50% off if only you had bought it the week it came out. Don’t let your procrastination have you coughing up more funds than you can afford.

3) Go out with friends:

This is a smart move if you’re on the precipice of being broke. Aside from the fact that you get to hang out with people you love, you also get comfortable fessing up to your homies that sharing the bills is the best thing for you at the moment. So, carpool, share a meal, buy group tickets, do group funding. This way, you won’t end up broke AF in January.

4) Organise house parties:

Instead of lying in your bed wondering why brokeness has made you this way host a party at home and invite your friends. This will reduce the cost of a venue and you can tell everyone to chip in with their option of snacks, foods, and drinks if those are limited too.

Don’t forget to get a boom box blasting with your favorite songs and encourage your friends to bring someone new to the fold, you just might meet a new bestie this way.

5) Revamp your clothes:

So you want to buy new clothes at the boutique but do you remember that fab outfit you bought months ago which you refused to wear because the moment wasn’t right? Now is the time to wear it.

You could also get new accessories to go with those cute jeans and tee that haven’t seen sunlight in eons.

6) Go to street carnivals/festivals:

This is one way to have fun if carnivals are up your alley. Find out what’s going on in your area, which artiste will be performing and what date and time the carnival will kick-off. You might want to check up on the security levels and go with trusted friends if you choose to attend.

7) Have a cash reserve:

Have backup cash that remains untouched, come hell or high waters. You can party to your heart’s content when you know that you’ll still have something left to survive on afterward.

Imagine what fun it’ll be for you grinning like a Cheshire cat when everyone complains of how broke they are in January and you can say with your chest that you took a wise move during the holidays and saved up something for later.

Gabriella Opara

December 9, 2019

General, Inside Life, Money

christmas, Concerts, Detty December, Events, Festive season, Parties
If You Are Terrible At Gift Giving This Is For You

1. When another event comes up and you have to think of what present to buy.

2. When someone says you should stop buying boxers and singlets as gifts on valentines day.

3. When you need to buy presents for a teenager.

4. When all the things your parents like are expensive.

5. When everyone says “it’s the thought that counts” but still abuse the presents you give.

6. When people say you should put thought into a gift and not just give money.

7. When you mistakenly regift a gift to the person that gave you the gift.

Jola Ayeye

December 15, 2016

Oldies

Gifts, Parties, presents
These Are All The Reasons We Hate Throwing Parties

1. When you have to start thinking of guest list.

This is worse than homework.
2. When the food and drink vendors start calling all sorts of stupid prices for you.

Do I look like Dangote?
3. When you have to clean the whole house before the party starts so your guests don’t think you are a pig.

Wahala on wahala on wahala.
4. When the food vendors are late and guests are already arriving.

It’s not me but my enemies these ones are trying to disgrace.
5. When the DJ is playing rubbish jams and people look bored.

Does this one know his work
6. When someone breaks something in the house.

Noooooo!
7. When people start asking you for different things and you have to run up and down.

So stressful!
8. When uninvited guests start trooping in because they are mannerless!

Why are you here?
9. When your crush comes for the party but meets someone else there.

Ah!
10. When someone starts giving instructions like it’s their party.

Na wa oh!
11. When the party is over but people are refusing to leave.

Na wa oh!
12. When everyone has finally left and you have to clean up by yourself.

Am I Cinderella?

Jola Ayeye

November 4, 2016

Oldies

Funny, Owambe, Parties
That Time My Secondary School Senior Tried To Toast Me

1. So I went for a party a few weeks ago.

Fun times!
2. To catch some fun and dance away my sorrows.

It’s necessary oh!
3. I had just bumped into my ex boyfriend a few days earlier.

Wretched guy!
4. And not only was he looking happy and relaxed, he even had a new girlfriend.

Imagine!
5. Needless to say, I was in need of cheering up!

As a matter of necessity!
6. Anyway, the party was grooving.

Nice one!
7. The music was popping.

The DJ must have studied DJ-ism!
8. The drinks were flowing.

9. My make up was on fleek!

I was too hot to handle!
10. All of a sudden a sexy voice said in my ear “hello you look nice”.

Could this be the start of something new?
11. I almost shivered and died of excitement but I had to compose myself.

I immediately had to form big babe!
12. I said “thank you” in my “fine boy is talking to you, you better compose” voice.

Very sweet voice!
13. We danced to a few songs.

Obviously this man wants me to have his children!
14. And whispered and giggled to each other all night.

Sweet love is in the air!
15. Then I realised the time was far spent and I had to go!

Wow! Is this where it all ends?
16. So he offered to walk me outside to my taxi so he could get my number!

Thank God!
17. As soon as we got outside and the light hit him, I froze!

AH!
18. No it couldn’t be!

Say it isn’t so!
19. Ah! yes it was!

Ye it is oh!
20. I just shouted “Senior Emeka so it’s you”.

Can you imagine?
21. This almost romantic encounter of mine used to be my senior in secondary school!

Look at life!
22. He would send my friends and I to fetch his bathing water and wash his clothes.

Imagine all that stress!
23. He even used to take our meat and plantain sometimes during lunch and dinner!

That’s why some of us are so short! No protein!
24. Now he was asking when he could see me again.

See who?
25. Before he realised what was going on I pulled his lips and knocked his fat head.

Foolish fellow!
26. That was for all the suffering he put me through in secondary school!

He deserved worse sef!
27. Then I hopped into my taxi and left while he was wondering what exactly had just happened.

Bye bye!
28. See you again in your dreams, Senior Emeka!

Because every day for the thief, one day for the owner!

Jola Ayeye

October 19, 2016

General

love, Parties, party, School
The Hustle For Wedding Souvenirs Everyone Can Definitely Relate To

1. How you arrive at the wedding ready to fight for your souvenir rights.

Ready to die on the line if need be!
2. You trying to figure out the seat that increases you souvenir-getting chances

Maybe close to the exits so as they come in with the goods, they see you.
3. When you see the souvenir distribution mafia (a.k.a the aunties) coming.

Give me what you got!
4. How you make eye contact with souvenir mafia members:

I got my eyes on you ladies.
5. When an aunty walks past you with some souvenirs.

Hello ma how far?
6. When you realise there are different levels of souvenirs.

Some get iPad, some get bottle opener. Wowee!
7. When they give everyone on your tables souvenirs but not you because no aso-ebi.

Is it good?
8. When you wear aso ebi, the souvenirs keep coming like:

Because I am one of them!
9. When you have to choose between waiting for souvenirs or being on the dance floor.

Serious decisions!
10. When you see some people packing more than one of each souvenir.

Is that how you people used to do?
11. When you see souvenirs without owners on the table next to you.

All is fair in souvenirs and war!
12. When you can see people judging your souvenir hustle.

Please don’t use your own to come and spoil my own.
13. When you make eye contact with a fellow souvenir hustler.

Hello my fellow hustler!
14. You carrying all your souvenirs home:

“I didn’t even carry too many things oh. Just one or two items.”
15. How you feel when you got all the souvenirs available.

Success is me and I am success.

Jola Ayeye

July 28, 2016

Oldies

Funny, Parties, Souvenirs, Weddings
14 Pictures Every Nigerian Will Remember About Following Their Parents To Parties

1. When they tell you to dress up and you say you don’t want to go.

Better go and wear cloth.
2. You, waiting for you parents to now get ready:

Hian! On top party I don’t even want to attend.
3. When you go 3 hours late and you’re still the first family to arrive.

What the hell?
4. When the only people there are your parents’ friends, so you just sit in a corner like:

Why am I even here?
5. When they make you greet every single adult there.

See assignment.
6. The food they give you vs. The food they give them:

Is it fair?
7. “You better eat now, because I’m not cooking when we get home.”

Can’t come and carry last.
8. The only part of the party you looked forward to:

YES LORD!
9. Your parents, when they are spraying money vs. Your parents, when you ask them for money:

Na wa for una.
10. When your parents force you to stand up and dance.

Ugh! Am I the entertainment?
11. How your dancing intensifies when adults start spraying you money:

Shake it for the cash.
12. When they start using you to brag:

Uhm. Actually…
13. When they pack leftovers from the party and make you carry them.

Hay God!
14. When they say “we are going home” but they already said that 2 hours ago.

CAN WE GO?

Daniel Orubo

May 30, 2016

Oldies

Africa, african, Nigeria, Nigerian, Parents, Parties, party
How To Attend And Enjoy An Owambe Party Properly

Have you ever attended an owambe and felt you did not enjoy it? You probably did a couple things wrong! But don’t worry we made a list on how to boss an owambe properly and thank us later.
1. Pick your outfit two months before

You sure do not want to have to do this too late. Picking the right outfit for an owambe is a vital key. This is where you choose to go with either the aso ebi or go neutral.
2. Get your Aso-ebi and give your tailor two months before

Another synonym for undependable is nigerian tailors. Give them two months in advance and pay for express. You sure don’t want to be the odd one out on that day when everyone is dressed in the “uniform”. Don’t be the different person.
3. Make sure you arrive slightly late

Relax on your punctuality standards for this day. You want to arrive roughly sixty minutes after the event has started. Everyone has to see you make an entrance with your squad.
4. Get the attention of the praise singers

You know those talking drummers outside? Give them about N500 and make them drum behind you till you get to the entrance. What a grand entry. Now you’ve been noticed by the guests, servers and maybe celebrant.
5. Never forget your IV

You get to the entrance. Never leave your IV at home. If it’s a strictly by IV owambe you will want to put it inside your cap or your handbag two days before. What’s the point of it all if you can’t get in?
6. Choose a seat close to the middle

Research shows that, the servers are always instructed to start serving from the middle. Why? Because that is where the closest relatives are seated close to the podium and celebrant. You get served among the first people with the best food and drinks.
7. Tip one of the waiters

Once you spot a waiter that is “shining eyes”, tip one of them and this will guarantee a constant flow of food, drinks and anything that is served during the event. Everyone has a price.
8. Ensure people see you greeting the celebrant/main focus

You sure do want to appear in the official photos, and let everyone know you didn’t beg for an invite or force your way in. Make sure people see you laughing with the celebrant(s). More cool points added or photo for an Instagram post.
9. Never take malted drinks first

Number one rule: never do this. You drink a malted or carbonated drink and you get filled up with gas. It’s the caterers trick so you don’t eat too much. Drink water instead save enough space for the food.
10. Don’t take photos of your food please

Please, don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t go looking like a nuisance raising your phone to take a food photo at a party. It drops a huge chunk in cool points. Is it your first time, eh?
11. Don’t sit down when its time to dance

This is one of the fun parts at an owambe. When the Dj starts dropping those fire tunes, make sure you bring your shoki, shakiti and favorite dance steps from wherever and drop them. Tip: Have a few drinks first for maximum fun.
12. Never leave early

It is standard, the party really does start at the time when it says it will end on the IV. That is when the dance floor gets heated, the remaining food gets put out and the best drinks emerge. You don’t want to miss this part for anything!

Tobi Smith

February 10, 2016

Oldies

Invitiations, Nigerian parties, Owambe, Parties