Pain | Zikoko!

It says a lot about the human body’s threshold for pain that there are people who pay good money to be tied up, flogged with a riding crop, have hot candle wax poured on their bare skin, have their nipples/anuses/vaginas clamped, fisted, electrocuted etc for sexual pleasure and their bodies properly handle the pain that comes with these acts.

So, why is that these 7 small, common pains always feel like being shot in the chest with a bazooka?

1) When the barber pours spirit on your head after a haircut.

This thing always feels like a million tiny insects gnawing at your brain.

2) When you jam your small toe on the side of furniture.

“Kill me now so I don’t have to suffer anymore!” – You, after mistakenly hitting your pinky toe on the couch.

3) When the barber is lining up your hairline and he absentmindedly moves the clipper to a sensitive part of your head.

“Why don’t you just go ahead slit my throat while you’re at it, Sweeney Todd?!” – You, when the barber has almost sliced off your ear more than once.

4) Whenever you accidentally bite your tongue while chewing.

I still don’t get how this thing happens.

5) When you hit your shin on the side of a table.

Furniture are truly the worst. I’ve come to the conclusion that my tables and chairs all possess sentience and move about to make this shit happen.

6) When you hit your elbow on a hard surface and that electric shock-feeling runs all the way up your arm.

You get it.

7) When a small patch of skin gets caught in your zipper.

And there goes the tip of your penis.

Astor George

March 6, 2020

Inside Life

Pain
1. When you’re using passion to listen to Mad Over You, and one ear of your earphones decides to be unfortunate and stop working

2. When you’re just trying to get some sleep and one mosquito decides that’s the best time to play hide and seek with your ear

3. When you dash yourself slap because the mosquito landed on your face, but you see the same mosquito giving you ela when you’re done

4. We actually prefer to pick pin than to get that really painful injury you get from washing clothes

5. When you’ve finished fixing nails and forming all the babe in this world, and one of them decides to break

6. When you’re at fellowship and the leader decides to be extra and asks everyone to shout 50 Halleluhias

7. When you miscalculated the plantain to beans ratio, only to find that you have more beans than plantain

8. We know childbirth is painful and all, but have you used your small toe to hit the leg of a table before?

Boyin Plumptre

January 31, 2017

Oldies

annoying, Pain
1. When you wake up happy and ready to slay at work.

They must know I just bought new clothes today!
2. You now feel one dirty pain in your tummy.

Is that …?
3. And your boobs are now very swollen.

And painful!
4. So you run to check and discover your worst enemy is here.

Oh God, why?
5. When you now have to wear black and black to work in case of stains.

And be looking like a mourner upandan!
6. Second day of your period and you’re like:

It’s like world war 3 in my pants.
7. And everything and everyone just starts annoying you.

For no reason!
8. How your period starts rushing when you stand, after sitting for a long time.

Disgusting!
9. You, when your male co-workers ask what’s wrong with you.

I’m fine.
10. How you have to run to poo every ten minutes.

Even the poo is different!
11. And you have to check your bum bum for stains every second.

See stress.
12. When you use all the painkillers in the world but nothing can help you.

See my life o!
13. When you take one sip of a sugary drink and the pain descends on you.

I’ve finished myself today.
14. When you have to use like 10 packs of pad for one period.

Na only me waka come?
15. When you think your period is over and it comes back like:

“Surprise, bitch.”
16. When it now finally goes, you’re like:

Happy to see you go!

Shola

October 25, 2016

Oldies

Funny, Pain, period, terrible
1. When you can feel that the time is around the corner.

Do I have to go through this?!
2. When you’re emotional for no reason and everything around you makes you want to cry. Or laugh. Or roll around.

I don’t even know again.
3. When someone points out that you’re emotional for no reason.

Is this one mad?
4. When you want to attempt movement even though you’re in pain.

I can’t.
5. When you sneeze while on your period.

Gosh!
6. When someone dares to breathe around you.

HOW DARE YOU?!
7. You when someone touches your food/ hair/ anything without asking.

Kuku kill me oh!
8. When everyone talking around you sounds like they’re shouting.

Shut up now?!
9. When you finally find pain killers.

I love you!
10. You, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

Na wa oh, is it not just to dissolve?
11. When you have taken the maximum painkiller dosage for the day but the pain just won’t go away.

Should I take more?
12. When you’re nursing your pain and someone invites you to go out.

NO!
13. When your pain starts on Sunday but you have to suck it up and go to work on Monday.

It’s hard outchea!
14. When your colleagues try to interact with you in your state.

Not today, Satan!
15. When bae asks “How are you feeling?”

You can’t understand me. You don’t know my pain. You don’t know my struggle! Co-written by Zikoko Contributor, Obeyaa Atta

Odunayo

July 13, 2016

Oldies

Girl, Pain, PMS
This smiling-through-the-pain meme works on so many levels, but none quite as much as when you decide to form hard guy after getting dumped.

1. When they dump you then add “…but we can still be friends”.

Instead of you to say no, you’re still there smiling.
2. When you foolishly agree to stay friends and they start gisting you about the new person they like.

Instead of you to say the thing is chooking you, you will even start giving them relationship advice.
3. When your friends are insulting your ex to make you feel better but you’re still in love with them.

Instead of you to tell them the thing is paining you, you will be there laughing with them.
4. When you see your ex with that “just a friend” person they told you not to worry about.

Instead of you to go and listen to Adele’s album and cry better tears, you’re there doing “e no consign me”.
5. When someone who doesn’t know you’ve broken up asks about them.

Instead of you to tell the person to free, you’ll go and be answering them.
6. When your ex said they needed time to be single but you see them with someone new the next day.

Instead of you to vex, you will even go and tell them congratulations.
7. When the first thing they tweeted after dumping you was “finally free”.

Instead of you to unfollow them, you’re still doing “I like their tweets”.
8. When you go and stalk their Instagram page and see they’ve already deleted all your pictures.

Instead of you to block them, you’ll be forming mature.
9. When you get the notification that they have changed their Facebook status from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’.

Instead of you to unfriend them, you’ll be forming ‘I don’t care’.
10. When your mum tells you that she never liked them.

Instead of you to tell your mum that the thing is paining you, you’ll be there nodding your head.
11. When you see a picture of them looking hotter than they did when you were still together.

Instead of you to remove your eyes, you’re there scoping the picture.
12. When you text them “I miss you” and they don’t reply.

Instead of you to delete their number, you will be forming odeshi.
13. When your ex does alter call at church to announce their engagement.

*Instead of you to get up and leave, you’re there clapping and shouting hallelujah.
14. When they invite you to their wedding since you guys are now forming ‘friends’.

Instead of you to stand up when they say “whosoever objects to this union…” you’re there sitting on the high table.

Daniel Orubo

April 6, 2016

Oldies

Africa, Break Up, ex, Hard Guy, Nigeria, Pain, Smile

1. When you’re using passion to listen to Mad Over You, and one ear of your earphones decides to be unfortunate and stop working

2. When you’re just trying to get some sleep and one mosquito decides that’s the best time to play hide and seek with your ear

3. When you dash yourself slap because the mosquito landed on your face, but you see the same mosquito giving you ela when you’re done

4. We actually prefer to pick pin than to get that really painful injury you get from washing clothes

5. When you’ve finished fixing nails and forming all the babe in this world, and one of them decides to break

6. When you’re at fellowship and the leader decides to be extra and asks everyone to shout 50 Halleluhias

7. When you miscalculated the plantain to beans ratio, only to find that you have more beans than plantain

8. We know childbirth is painful and all, but have you used your small toe to hit the leg of a table before?

1. When you wake up happy and ready to slay at work.

2. You now feel one dirty pain in your tummy.

3. And your boobs are now very swollen.

4. So you run to check and discover your worst enemy is here.

5. When you now have to wear black and black to work in case of stains.

6. Second day of your period and you’re like:

7. And everything and everyone just starts annoying you.

8. How your period starts rushing when you stand, after sitting for a long time.

9. You, when your male co-workers ask what’s wrong with you.

10. How you have to run to poo every ten minutes.

11. And you have to check your bum bum for stains every second.

12. When you use all the painkillers in the world but nothing can help you.

13. When you take one sip of a sugary drink and the pain descends on you.

14. When you have to use like 10 packs of pad for one period.

15. When you think your period is over and it comes back like:

16. When it now finally goes, you’re like:

1. When you can feel that the time is around the corner.

2. When you’re emotional for no reason and everything around you makes you want to cry. Or laugh. Or roll around.

3. When someone points out that you’re emotional for no reason.

4. When you want to attempt movement even though you’re in pain.

5. When you sneeze while on your period.

6. When someone dares to breathe around you.

7. You when someone touches your food/ hair/ anything without asking.

8. When everyone talking around you sounds like they’re shouting.

9. When you finally find pain killers.

10. You, waiting for the painkillers to kick in.

11. When you have taken the maximum painkiller dosage for the day but the pain just won’t go away.

12. When you’re nursing your pain and someone invites you to go out.

13. When your pain starts on Sunday but you have to suck it up and go to work on Monday.

14. When your colleagues try to interact with you in your state.

15. When bae asks “How are you feeling?”

This smiling-through-the-pain meme works on so many levels, but none quite as much as when you decide to form hard guy after getting dumped.

1. When they dump you then add “…but we can still be friends”.

2. When you foolishly agree to stay friends and they start gisting you about the new person they like.

3. When your friends are insulting your ex to make you feel better but you’re still in love with them.

4. When you see your ex with that “just a friend” person they told you not to worry about.

5. When someone who doesn’t know you’ve broken up asks about them.

6. When your ex said they needed time to be single but you see them with someone new the next day.

7. When the first thing they tweeted after dumping you was “finally free”.

8. When you go and stalk their Instagram page and see they’ve already deleted all your pictures.

9. When you get the notification that they have changed their Facebook status from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’.

10. When your mum tells you that she never liked them.

11. When you see a picture of them looking hotter than they did when you were still together.

12. When you text them “I miss you” and they don’t reply.

13. When your ex does alter call at church to announce their engagement.

14. ​When they invite you to their wedding since you guys are now forming ‘friends’.

14. When they invite you to their wedding since you guys are now forming ‘friends’.