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  • Love Life: I Never Thought I’d Be Open to an Open Relationship

    Love Life: I Never Thought I’d Be Open to an Open Relationship

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    How did you two meet?

    Shola: We met for the first time in December 2022. 

    My company sent me out to attend a business conference on the island. I was the sole representative at the event, and it was so boring — just panel after panel of different government officials talking about everything that’s wrong with Nigeria and how they’re trying their best to improve it. I think everyone there knew it was all bullshit.

    Favour: Ah. Don’t say that in public, please. 

    I was there with two of my colleagues, but it was still boring. It was supposed to last the whole day, from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m., but there were break-out sessions every four hours. We met during the first of those sessions.

    Shola: Immediately I saw her, I knew I had to talk to her because she was the best-dressed person there. She looked like a hot shot, and I was wondering why she went all out for a conference in this Lagos. Then I saw her colleagues and knew these ones were working for a big company. Not that my company isn’t big o, but we’re riding the whole start-up energy, so we’re a lot more laidback in our dressing.

    Favour: I’d sneaked off to the brunch buffet table when he walked up to me. I was self-conscious because I was starving and had planned to get as much finger food as I could before other people caught on that the table was open. I’d just filled my little plastic saucer up when he greeted me, and I was like, “Shit. It had to be one soft-looking boy with a fine face that’d catch me hoarding food?”

    Tell me you had a lovely conversation about it

    Shola: We did. The first thing I said was, “Did you pack for me too?” which I instantly regretted. I wasn’t trying to shame her or anything. It was just the first sentence that came to me. She just rolled her eyes and walked away, but I followed her.

    Favour: He followed me to my seat and sat with me. We ended up having the most basic but nicest conversation for the rest of the conference. We talked about everything we liked, followed each other on socials and even connected on LinkedIn.

    Shola: And laughed at each other’s serious profile pictures.

    Favour: But what we didn’t do is exchange numbers.

    Shola: Yeah, that was funny. We’d decided to date before we even realised we didn’t have each other’s numbers.

    Who needs numbers these days? But what informed the decision to date?

    Shola: After that event, I stalked her on socials and really liked what I saw. She’s cool, fun and serious at the same time. I’ve always liked people who can balance all that; they’re rare. I also had a soft spot for her chubby cheeks and dimples pretty early on. 

    So one of the times we were texting on Twitter, about two days after we met, I told her I wanted to take her on our first date.

    Favour: He was so direct, I had to laugh. But I found it cute. 

    We talked for a long time about the type of ambience we liked: morning, afternoon or night, food/fine dining or junk/grills, open-air or indoor, and so on. He was determined to make it perfect, and I followed his lead.

    Shola: I like doing things right. My weakness is I can never be half-hearted about anything. Maybe until I chop breakfast sha, because I’ve never had anyone break up with me. And I came close to premium breakfast on our first date together.

    Really? But you hadn’t even started dating yet?

    Shola: Well, we fixed the date for the second Saturday after the conference, which was on a Friday. We went to this place in Ikeja GRA that makes the best burgers in Lagos. And that’s where she told me she’s in not one but two relationships. I almost fainted.

    Favour: He makes it sound so harsh. What I told him was that I was seeing two people, but I didn’t have a primary partner. I was in an open relationship. 

    Shola: I couldn’t understand what she meant in practice, so I just assumed it was a sex thing. But it wasn’t. She explained that she was committed to two men, had an emotional connection with each of them, had sex with them, and most importantly, they knew about each other.

    Favour: I was still interested in dating him, so I emphasised that. I just needed him to know there are two other people involved because the last thing I want to do is cheat on anyone.

    And how easy was it to move from this full disclosure to an official relationship?

    Shola: It wasn’t easy at all. 

    I almost didn’t want to be on the date anymore, but we’d already placed our orders, and I didn’t have the energy to get up and leave. My mind was in full processing mode, so we just sat there, quiet, as we waited for the burgers and beer. 

    I’m glad we waited.

    Favour: I was so sure he was going to bolt and maybe even block me because that’s how the average Nigerian person reacts. I’d never considered dating anyone I knew was heteronormative so much that I’d reveal this side of my personal life to them. Everyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with was already openly polyamorous. I don’t know why I took a chance with him, but I’m glad I did.

    Shola: Once the food came and we started eating, I started asking questions: Does everyone in the larger relationship live together and have to be committed to each other? Did her two partners have other partners of their own? I was sort of concerned about things like STIs. Also, what about jealousy?

    Favour: All these questions were valid, so I answered as best as I could while reminding him not to let fear of the unknown push him to make up scenarios in his head. 

    I’ve always been polyamorous, since my first relationship in college, when I was 20. So I’ve never had to ask these questions. These are things I learnt to navigate over time, and there are no rules. What works for someone else’s open relationship might not work for ours. For example, the fear of STIs, don’t you still make sure you’re not vulnerable to that in your average monogamous relationship?

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.

    Sounds like it was a really educative conversation. What was the end result?

    Shola: I decided to give it a try. I was now excited because there was something about the way she spoke about it.

    Favour: The first thing that helped was explaining how an open relationship was different from polyamory. I introduced him to my other boyfriends, but we didn’t have to all be in one big committed relationship.

    Shola: I met them the next day. She invited three of us out with her to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. 

    They were both laidback and mature about it. I’m glad I have those men in my life because one of them is currently mentoring me to start a business I’ve been wanting to start for the last five years.

    Favour: They all got along on that first meet, and that’s always a good sign.

    Has jealousy reared its ugly head yet?

    Shola: Yes, all the time. But not negatively. It almost makes the relationship more exciting. Almost because there’s “competition”, we’re both vocal about whether or not we’re making each other happy, and there’s not as much pressure on one person to meet the other’s needs. 

    I never imagined I’d be open to an open relationship, but I now understand why it works. I’ve never been in a relationship with as much open and honest communication as this one. 

    Favour: The personal boundaries are also clear. It’s hard to feel like someone is taking over your life or space in this type of relationship. 

    He has another girlfriend now, by the way. They started dating last month, and we’ve all met each other. It feels a lot more balanced now.

    Was it easy to get her into the open relationship lifestyle?

    Shola: Yes, but maybe because I didn’t set out to date her at first. It just happened, and she knew I was in an open relationship before we even got to the point of dating. So she had time to process it herself and decide whether she wanted to be involved in it.

    Favour: She’s such a sweet girl. I love her so much, and I actually knew she was moving to Shola before the slow boy caught on. I had a conversation with him about it before he officially asked her.

    Have you guys fought about anything yet?

    Favour: We fight all the time over the smallest of things. 

    The most memorable was sometime in April when he laughed at me at the gym for messing up a routine. I was already in a bad mood from work, and he knew it. So him laughing at me, and in public, felt so insensitive. I just got up, took my gym bag and went to his house with his car (he drove us there). 

    When he got back home, he was upset that I left him stranded.

    Shola: I wasn’t upset upset until you started screaming at me for daring to be upset. I was just exhausted because I had to walk home.

    Favour: We had a shouting match that ended in silent treatment. But by the time we were going to bed, we had this whispered conversation about it and hashed the whole thing out.

    Shola: Our fights are mostly misunderstandings that blow out of proportion. Nothing too serious.

    I’m curious. How do you decide when to hang out, considering the other partners? Is there a timetable?

    Shola: LOL. No timetable o.

    Favour: We just move as the spirit leads. It’s an “open” relationship. Sometimes, you feel like spending time with this person, so you go there.

    Shola: This is where the open communication comes in. We always check in on each other to make sure boundaries aren’t blurred and no one feels neglected. There’s no WhatsApp group or anything, but we all trust each other.

    Do other people — your family, friends, co-workers — know you’re in an open relationship?

    Favour: For me, everyone knows. 

    I’ve never told my parents directly, and they live in a different city, but I’m sure the news has reached them by now. All my siblings and some of my extended family know, so of course, one of them will tell. They haven’t asked or berated me about it, but they stopped pressuring me to marry some five years ago. In general, I’m open about it to those who have a right to know about my personal life.

    Shola: I’m still new to it, so right now, only my brother knows. He’s older, just about Favour’s age, and he doesn’t believe in it at all. He thinks we’re all just fooling around. I’ve decided there’s no point opening up to my parents. I might change my mind in the future because I don’t see our relationship ending soon. But why open myself up to disappointment when I know they won’t be supportive?

    Favour: Some people around me have been supportive, some haven’t. In my early 20s, I’d get slut-shamed all the time, mostly by older men who can’t grasp the idea of a woman being sexually liberated. I won’t lie that it never got to me, but I still get slut-shamed before people know I’m polyamorous, so what difference does it make? 

    Sweet. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1-10?

    Favour: A full-chested 10. I love it here.

    Shola: 10 too. Sometimes, I feel guilty that I’m living in sin, but 10 still.

    Favour: DFKM.

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    RECOMMENDED: Love Life: We’ll Never Forget When We Bought Our First Sallah Ram

    Lolade Alaka

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  • An Open Relationship on a ₦73k Monthly Income

    An Open Relationship on a ₦73k Monthly Income

    The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.

    Image Source: Pexels (Actual interview subjects are anonymous)

    20-year-old Kabir is an NYSC member who believes in expressing love through gifts. In this interview, he talks about his money anxieties, moving from “Fanta and meat pie” dates to proper restaurant outings and exploring sex with multiple partners in his open relationship. 

    Occupation and location 

    A freelance writer serving with the NYSC in Jos. 

    Average monthly income

    I get a ₦30k allowance from my dad and ₦33k from the government. My PPA pays me ₦10k, and I make the occasional ₦20k on small writing gigs. 

    Relationship expenses 

    Birthday gifts: ₦25 – 35k

    Transportation to Abuja: ₦7k monthly

    How did you meet your partner? 

    Through my secondary school bestie who was dating him. 

    Hollup

    It was sometime in July 2019. I was with my friend at his house when he said Allen, his boyfriend, was coming over and suggested I wait to meet him. The three of us spent the rest of the day gisting and walking around the estate. 

    Allen was not as expressive as my best friend wanted, which led to quarrels that led to a three-month breakup, with me playing mediator the whole time. After they got back together, my best friend created a group chat with all three of us, and that’s how I got Allen’s phone number.

    Tell me you didn’t?

    LMAO. No jo. We only texted because he posted this fine 10/10 man on his status. I asked who he was, and he replied that it was his cousin. We bantered about how they were fine in their family. 

    Talking to him, I felt horrible because we had a genuine connection. Although he and my friend broke up two months later, it took a year in talking stage, bonding over shared trauma, before we started dating. 

    What shared trauma? 

    We were healing from the relationship with my best friend. Making new friends when I got into university later that year helped me realise how toxic the friendship was. He always made me feel less, made fun of my work and gaslighted me every chance he got. So when he sent me a long-ass paragraph about how I didn’t text, I told him we couldn’t be friends anymore because I was tired of reducing myself. 

    How did it go with Allen after that? 

    I was schooling and living in Osun state, while Allen lived in Abuja. So we only saw each other when I was in Abuja. We went to the park once, but most of our dates were at the cinema. He’d pay ₦3k for both our tickets sometimes, other times I got my own ticket. And we’d get snacks — meat pie and Fanta after. 

    Cute 

    He was a graduate in his mid-20s, and I thought he was very tight-fisted at the time. My dad had money, so it’s not like I wanted his. I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t allow himself to enjoy small luxuries like using Uber instead of public transport or changing his phone instead of continuously fixing it. 

    But later, I realised he was only like that because he was unemployed and broke.

    What’s changed now? 

    We go on dates to fancy restaurants, drink wine and eat Indian food. Both times we’ve done this, it cost ₦50k. He’s also very thoughtful and buys me things I like. For my birthday in 2020, he bought me a pair of Chelsea boots, perfumes and pringles. Last year, he got me scented candles, a diffuser, two perfumes, a planner, a tote bag and kilishi. He also got me an Apple watch a few months prior. 

    What about 2021? 

    Oh, we’d broken up for six months. 

    Sorry?

    I already knew he wasn’t the most expressive. But between being unemployed and living at an aunt’s place, he was going through a lot, which affected us even more. It didn’t help that I was in Osun state. At the beginning of 2021, I sent a text telling him I didn’t think he was reciprocating my energy, nor did I feel loved. He called me upset because he couldn’t believe I thought that. 

    The following day, I burst into tears in the middle of prayers with my family and ran out of the mosque. My brother had to come check on me. I told him what had happened, and he advised me to keep the friendship since Allen obviously meant so much to me.

    So I called Allen back some days later, and we went back to talking every day and just being close friends. By mid-2021, when I was going through a lot mentally, I leaned on him a lot. And he’d also just gotten an engineering job that paid him ₦75k monthly. At some point, the relationship started again. 

    I need the deets

    When I returned to Abuja, we agreed to meet up. He had a place, and I went there to see him. It started with casual talk about life then moved to intense talk about what we meant to each other and our lives together. 

    Do you have conversations about money? 

    All the time. He’s the more financially literate, so he knows all about the stocks and bonds market. While I save my regular ₦10 – 15k, he has stocks with a telecommunication company in Nigeria and some his dad left him when he passed. He mentioned in July 2022 that he wanted to get me stocks, but due to the fall in the stock market, he hasn’t gotten around to it. 

    Do you ever ask him for money?

    I can ask him if I don’t have, but I’d hate to make it a habit. I could say I don’t have money, and he’d send me ₦5 – 10k. 

    Do you get him gifts? 

    For his birthday, I got him a gold bracelet which cost ₦20k, and a wireless charger which cost ₦35k. Sometimes, he reminds me that I don’t have to do so much because he knows how much I earn. But I believe in expressing my feelings through gifts, so if I see something I think he’ll like, I get it. For instance, his watch strap is bad, so I want to get him a new one.

    That’s sweet

    We’ve both grown so much together. He’s gone from not having a job to getting one that takes him on international trips. And I’ve allowed myself to love someone enough to be vulnerable with them. I grew up with a misogynist father, and I was always against commitment because I didn’t want to be caged. 

    What changed? 

    We’ve worked hard at communicating our feelings better. He makes me feel cared for and listened to. I also made sure to leave the relationship open. Although sex is not that deep to me, being able to experience it with other people makes commitment feel less like a cage. Because I don’t think being in a relationship with one person means sexual urges or desires will shut down. It’s easy for me to separate sex from emotional connections. So I may hook up with people I meet on Twitter, but it’s nothing serious. Allen and I ensure we never get involved without the other person knowing. 

    In September 2022, my now ex-best friend, Allen’s ex, called him trying to come over to his place, but he told him his baby was coming over. And then revealed who the baby was. 

    OMO. How did he take it?

    I don’t know. I never reached out. We’d cut all communication, so I didn’t see the need to tell him. 

    True. What’s your ideal financial future? 

    I like nice things but we’re not flashy people. We just want to be able to afford things we want, buy a house, and go on vacation maybe twice a year. Allen’s career has already taken off and is doing quite well, hopefully, after NYSC I’ll get a good writing job that pays well.

    Do you have a financial safety net? 

    I try to save a lot because I’m very anxious about money, and poverty scares me. I want to be able to fund the life of comfort I grew up with by myself. So whenever I get my allowance or money gifts, I keep a portion of it aside. I have about ₦300k in my Piggyvest safe lock.

    You can also read: Dating in Lagos on an ₦80k Administrative Officer Income 

    If you’re interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship, this is a good place to start.

    Yes, I want to share my story

    Meyimi O.

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  • Are You Really Ready to Open Your Relationship?

    Are You Really Ready to Open Your Relationship?

    Open relationship is really not for everybody. Before you try it and end up in the hospital treating a broken heart, maybe you should consider these things.

    Is there actually space in your relationship? 

    Find out if there’s actually space in the relationship. Are you opening it because both of you want it? Or because you’re scared you’d lose your partner? If there’s no space, better leave it closed. 

    Your partner may pull more people than you

    It’s quite possible that your partner will attract more people than you. You’re dating them because they have amazing qualities, abi? People might want to get in on that. 

    RELATED: Love Life: Being Polyamorous Didn’t Stop My Jealousy

    Rules and regulations 

    Open relationships have rules which help to define the structure of your relationship. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner on things they’re allowed and not allowed to do, and make a list of things that can potentially cause chest pain. If the list is too long, better leave your relationship closed. Don’t bring unnecessary sufferhead upon yourself. 

    It won’t solve cheating 

    A cheat will cheat even if they are dating everyone in the world. If you want to open it because one party keeps cheating, don’t bother. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: How Often Do You Cheat in Relationships?

    Communicate like your life depends on it

    It’s so easy to have misunderstandings and petty squabbles when there are more people involved. You’ll need to be patient enough to break down all the information until all parties understand. If you don’t have that much patience, better stay where you are. 

    Can your bank account handle it?

    If you’re barely able to handle the financial commitment that comes with dating one person, how much more multiple people? You want to be paying for transportation and housing for many people? Do you want your account to wreck? 

    Can you go back to the streets?

    You’re already used to the dynamic you and your partner have. Do you have what it takes to go back into the streets and start again with someone new? Ah abeg.

    RELATED: Before You Date a Bad Bitch You Should Be Aware of These 8 Things

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • Love Life: We Didn’t Plan to Get Lost in the Sauce

    Love Life: We Didn’t Plan to Get Lost in the Sauce

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Yemisi, 24*, and Kelechi, 28*, have been dating for eight months. Today on Love Life, they talk about how detty December plans got them together, being in a long-distance open relationship where both of them are bisexual and how they learnt to argue better as a couple. 

    Love life: yemisi and kelechi

    What’s the earliest memory you have of each other? 

    Yemisi: We went to the same secondary school. He was in SS 1 when I was in JSS 1. I thought he was cute, but we never had a conversation until we found each other on Twitter years later. 

    Kelechi: In 2019, someone retweeted something she tweeted. Her name looked familiar, so I went to her profile. Puberty was definitely good to her. She looked fine as hell. I followed her, and shortly after, she followed back. 

    Who sent the first DM?

    Kelechi: LOL, wait first. Around the time we became mutuals on Twitter, I had just gotten out of a four-month relationship. My ex was moving to Abuja and I didn’t want to do long-distance, so we ended things. This was in December 2019. That Christmas, I asked my followers if any of them was interested in doing detty December with me, but as friends. 

    Yemisi: I was in Canada planning to spend Christmas in Lagos when I saw his tweet. That’s how we started talking. I wanted to party in Lagos and do whore shit, so it was nice to meet someone who also wanted to go to a house party, spend time at the beach and have dates at nice restaurants. We also talked about having casual sex. I told him I’m bisexual and he was cool because he is bisexual too. Everything seemed to fall into place. 

    I looked forward to seeing him, but I ended up not coming to Lagos that Christmas. 

    Oops

    Yemisi: I didn’t know I would need a transit visa to make the trip. I was so frustrated. We stayed in touch though, but it wasn’t the same as when we had feasible plans to hang out. 

    I told him that whenever I was in Nigeria, we would still do those things

    Kelechi: And we did when she came in April 2021. 

    Y’all were in the DMs for a year plus?

    Kelechi: LOL yes. I knew she’d still come, and I wanted to meet her so I checked in from time to time. 

    Yemisi: I got my visa in April 2021. The first thing I wanted to do when I landed was to see him. We hadn’t talked for a while, but I often thought about the plans we made in 2019. When I was settled, I reached out to him. 

    Kelechi: She sent me a text saying, “Guess what?” She had arrived in Lagos. I was so excited we were finally going to see. I asked her what she was doing the next day. I was ready to lie to work that I was sick so I could spend time with her. We went on our first date in April. 

    Yemisi: He picked me up from my house and drove us to the restaurant. It was a nice, quiet place. I can’t remember what we ordered because we spent most of the evening talking. We are both funny people so we laughed a lot too. Finally meeting and spending time together felt good. Towards the end of the night, I remember feeling a lot of emotions, like butterflies in my belly, and had to ask, “What’s going on in your mind right now?” 

    Kelechi: I was overwhelmed too, to be honest. We clicked so well. I knew I wanted to see her again.

    I asked what she was doing the next day. She had a date planned, but that didn’t faze me. I didn’t mind the competition. Have you seen this woman? She hella fine. Even today, I still deal with competition. 

    After her date, I went to pick her up and we went to get Indian food. Later that evening, we went to her parents’ house and had sex. 

    Hold up—

    Yemisi: And it was really good. It was better than I imagined. After that day, we went out again the next day and that’s how we saw each other almost every day for the next three months. 

    Kelechi: See ehn, I was lost in the sauce. Again, have you seen this woman? I was falling for her hard. 

    Yemisi: LMAO, me too. In my mind, I was like, this was not the plan. I came to Lagos to do whore shit for summer and be on my way. Yet, here I was falling in love. We clicked in so many ways. One time, we went to a bar with a stripper pole and danced around it. The bar was almost empty sha, but I loved that we could do crazy stuff like that together.

    Did you tell him?

    Yemisi: Not right away. I wasn’t ready to date people exclusively and was scared of getting into a long-distance relationship. 

    Kelechi: Me I did. I told this woman that I loved her.

    Yemisi: And I kind of freaked out.

    Kelechi: She gave me ela. 

    Yemisi: LOL, I was shocked at how fast we were going. One minute I was on the streets, the next, I was in love with him. Omo, I wasn’t ready. My last relationship didn’t work out because my partner moved to a city far from mine in Canada, yet here I was considering dating someone living in Nigeria. 

    Kelechi: LOL,  I wanted to find out where her head was at. If she didn’t feel the same way, I would have severed all ties and moved on so I’d heal, but if it was something she felt too, we could figure things out. 

    Yemisi: And we did. 

    How so?

    Yemisi: We talked about how we’d make the distance work. Constant calls and texts. Also, I’d try to visit as much as I could. We also decided to leave the relationship open because we both like sex very much and the distance would make it hard to cope.

    Kelechi: I was ready if she was ready. 

    Yemisi: After a few conversations, I decided I was ready. 

    What does being ready look like? 

    Kelechi:  Essentially, we’re in a long-distance open relationship. This means that while we are apart, we have sex with people we’re attracted to but don’t maintain emotional connections with them. 

    Yemisi: And we only get with people who understand we’re in a committed relationship and respect it. 

    Kelechi: Also, we close the relationship whenever either of us feels too insecure to continue. We talk about it until we get to a place of trust again before opening it again.  

    Love life: yemisi and kelechi

    Interesting. How has the relationship been?

    Yemisi: So far, it’s caused me to become more self-reflective. In the beginning, we had communication issues especially when it came to other partners. I had to deal with jealousy and talk about other hard stuff with him. 

    Kelechi: Yup. Being in an open relationship requires a painful amount of honesty. You have to communicate everything to your partner. That’s the only way to sustain the relationship. In the beginning, we struggled with that, but we’re a lot better now. 

    Yemisi: We’re so good at talking to each other and finding perspectives that work for us. We are also very understanding of each other. 

    Kelechi: Yes, I have a good example. In December 2021, she was in Nigeria and we went to a club together where we ran into a guy I had a crush on. He saw me walking towards him with her. When I got close enough to talk to him, he rubbed my chest and kissed me. I pulled away and he said, “Kiss me or don’t talk to me again”. I wanted to kiss him, but I had to respect Yemisi’s presence. I was offended that he didn’t respect my relationship. He just wanted to prove to himself that I was attracted to him. 

    Things are happening on the streets. 

    Yemisi: LMAO. He could have just said hi. 

    Kelechi: But he chose to be silly. What stood out for me in that situation was how understanding Yemisi was. She knew it wasn’t my fault and understood I was still attracted to kiss him. That’s when I knew I had scored gold.

    Aww, what’s the best part of the relationship?

    Yemisi: I love that we are constantly trying to do things for and with each other. Whenever I’m in Lagos, I spend every bit of my time with him. We are either chilling at his house or going out at night. 

    Kelechi: It’s the same for me. Whenever she’s around, my friends don’t get to see me for weeks. I just air their Friday night “Let’s hang out” texts. Eventually, they get the message. Any time I get to spend with Yemisi is fun even if we just lie down and do nothing. 

    I call her Ulo’m, which means my home in Igbo. Home is where you are most safe, which in Igbo culture is your mum’s place. I know I can always be myself with her. I don’t have to pretend or hide parts of myself from her because she just gets me. 

    This is the happiest I’ve ever been in a relationship. There’s softness, understanding and peace. Even when we argue, it’s from a place of love. Nobody is being petty or vengeful. 

    Sweet. Has there been a time your relationship was threatened by an external party?

    Yemisi: Ah, so the last time I was in Lagos, I went out with some of my friends. Kelechi was out with his own friends as well in a different location. While we were apart, he made a tweet about being satisfied after good sex. One of his friends quoted the tweet with a joke that implied he was cheating and he LOL’ed the tweet. When I saw the tweet, I asked him about it and he said he didn’t get the guy’s comment. I kept on asking until it became an argument. I was angry because I thought he was being dishonest with me. 

    Kelechi: I was a bit angry she thought I would do something with someone without telling her. 

    Yemisi: The conversation brought out a lot of insecurities I didn’t even realise I had. I was scared he’d have a sexual relationship with someone else and not tell me about it. The argument turned into a yelling match. It was very bad, but when we calmed down, we talked about it and promised never to yell at each other again. Since then, we have argued like normal people. 

    Love that for you. What attracts you most to each other? 

    Yemisi: I love how his mind works. He is so kind, smart and sweet. He’s also very warm and friendly. I could keep going to be honest.

    Kelechi: What I’m attracted to the most is her big ass and face. She’s so beautiful Lagos men won’t leave her alone for me. I can’t leave her side for five minutes without one man trying to collect her number. It’s not anybody’s fault. The beauty is blinding. I could stare at her all day. 

    Oya, let’s test that. If someone gave you a million dollars to leave your partner, would you take it?

    Yemisi: What does leaving entail? 

    As in, all forms of contact between you two will be severed, never to resurface again? 

    Yemisi: Ah, that’s a bit harsh. What do you mean I will never see him again? No amount of money is worth losing him. I don’t want. 

    Kelechi: It’s a no for me too because money has never been a problem for me. 

    LOL. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10. 

    Kelechi: 9.5. The 0.5 is space for the possibility of things getting better. 

    Yemisi: Right now, it’s 9 because I’m not with him and I miss him so much. When we see, it’s easily a 10. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    Mariam Sule

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  • Love Life: I Didn’t Want to Date Him Because I Didn’t Want to Bleed on Him

    Love Life: I Didn’t Want to Date Him Because I Didn’t Want to Bleed on Him

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Olanrewaju*, 27, and Temi*, 27, have been dating for a year. Today on Love Life, they talk about meeting on Twitter, starting a relationship after reading a Zikoko article and  their plans for the future.

    What’s your earliest memory of each other? 

    Temi: In January 2021, I saw his tweet on my timeline. He quoted a tweet of a fat guy and said, “If you’re built like this, DM”. The tweet was about two weeks old when I saw it, but I sent that DM. I said, “I think I have what you’re looking for.”

    Olanrewaju: I got a lot of DMs because of that tweet. I was scrolling through when I saw his message. His account was faceless and had 20 followers. I don’t like interacting with accounts like that, but I liked his message. I replied and that was how we started talking. 

    Temi: I don’t remember exactly what we talked about, but we bonded very well within the first few hours. He was funny and expressive. I didn’t want our conversation to stop. 

    Olanrewaju: I was a bit worried though because he was anonymous. I wanted him to be comfortable with me, so I didn’t ask for his pictures until two weeks later. He gave me his Instagram handle, and I checked it out. He was tall and fat. He looked soft, just like I wanted. I decided to keep texting him. 

    How long did you two text before meeting physically? 

    Olanrewaju: I was away with my family in Ibadan when we started texting. Two days after I returned, I asked where he lived. He said Surulere. I lived a hundred naira away. So the next day, I went over to his house. 

    Ouuuuuu. 

    Temi: Haha. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but when I saw him, I was impressed. He looked so hot. He wore a shirt that I immediately wanted to tear off him. 

    Olanrewaju: Trust me, I made extra effort to look good. I picked that shirt because I knew how it looked on me.  

    Temi: We spent the day talking. I made him pasta and sauce, which he spilled on my sheets. After we ate, we took a nap. He went home later that evening. 

    Olanrewaju: When I was about leaving, I saw from his face that he wanted to kiss me, so I hugged him. I was trying to tease him, give him a feel of me without doing anything. 

    Temi: To be honest, I wasn’t particular about anything happening that day, but if it had happened, I would’ve welcomed it. 

    Okay. So what happened after that day? 

    Temi: He visited again and spilled sauce on my sheets again. LOL. Nothing happened that day as well. The next time we saw each other, I went over to his house. 

    Olanrewaju: The visits became regular as we got closer. He’d cook for me or I’d eat from whatever he was eating. We talked a lot during these visits. 

    One day, I slept off at his house and couldn’t go home. In the middle of the night, I could sense the tension between us, but I didn’t want to act on it. He tried to touch me, but I said no. 

    Can I ask why?

    Temi: I felt bad, but I liked him so I continued talking to him. The visits and the texting continued. I saw him almost everyday. Either he came to mine or I went to his place after work. I was quite vocal about how I liked him, but he would remind me that nothing was ever going to happen between us. 

    One day in March 2021, I stopped at his house on my way back from work, and he asked me to go on a date with him. I won’t lie, I was terrified. 

    Why?

    Temi: It came from nowhere.


    Olanrewaju, explain.

    Olanrewaju: LOL. That day, he told me he saw some kids on his way to work and took them to school. He said while he was driving, he pictured himself taking his own kids to school someday. I thought, ”Temi is so cute and selfless.” I thought about asking him out the entire day.  

    When he stopped by my house, I shared a Zikoko article about a couple in an open relationship with him and asked for his thoughts about it. He said open relationships were cool, but he didn’t want an open marriage. That’s when I told him I liked him and wanted to take him out on a date. 

    Sweet. Tell me about the date!

    Olanrewaju: The day we were supposed to go on the date, he had an accident. 

    Temi: Because I was on a call with you while driving.  

    I was running late for our date because my boss asked me to complete a task before leaving. When I was done and on my way out of the office, I called Ola. As we were talking, a car ran into my car. I wasn’t hurt but the car was badly damaged. Don’t call your lover and drive, folks.

    Olanrewaju: That night, he slept at my place. When he was asleep, I went through his note pad. There, I saw a note he wrote a few weeks before. It was addressed, “Dear husband”. I don’t remember all the words, but he was trying to say he was tired of waiting for me to come around. LOL. In that moment, I was glad I made my move when I did.  

    LOL. How has the relationship been so far? 

    Temi: It’s been my best. I love how thoughtful he is and how he takes care of me. We haven’t even had the chance to explore other people because we are too busy exploring each other. I know all relationships have their ups and downs, but the downside of this isn’t bad at all. 

    Olanrewaju: The early stage of the relationship — when we just met and were getting to know each other — was fun, but it’s a different ballgame when you start dating people. I noticed some things when we became official. For example, I don’t have a high libido but he does. I can go a month without sex, but he needs us to have sex often. We had a fight about it once. After we cooled down, he told me that one of his love languages is physical touch, so now I make more effort to have sex with him. 

    Aside from that, the relationship has been great. 

    I’m curious about your biggest fight. What was it like?  

    Temi: In August, we were supposed to go to a friend’s birthday party but we both decided that we weren’t feeling up to it. Olanrewaju said I should reach out to the person and let them know that we won’t be available. I said I would but I didn’t do it immediately. 

    He reminded me twice but I felt like the birthday was still a couple of weeks ahead and I could still reach out to the person much later. The third time he brought it up, he said, “Somebody will tell you to do something, and you’ll act deaf.” I was so mad. 

    Olanrewaju: I regretted it the moment I said it. That’s why I don’t talk when I’m angry. I can be rude and won’t care about the consequences. He knows that. We had an argument that night. 

    Temi: And then he didn’t speak to me for a week. 

    Olanrewaju: I was texting you. 

    Temi: Oh please. You were not your usual self. I could not reach you for a while. I had to report to your aunty. She knows about us, and I knew she could talk some sense into his head. She helped me reach out to him. When we settled, she spoke to both of us individually about where we went wrong. It was interesting for me to learn about his behaviour from someone who watched him grow up. I think that conversation helped us understand each other better. 

    Cool aunties are the best. What’s the best part of the relationship? 

    Olanrewaju: For me, it’s getting to meet his father and his elder sister. I met his dad during Ramadan 2021. One of his cousins was getting married and he asked me to join him. He introduced me to his dad as a friend. His dad was very warm to me. We danced together at the wedding. He even sprayed me money LOL. Since then, he calls or texts to check up on me. Whenever he’s in town, he would ask to meet up so we can run one or two errands together. He’s such a sweet man. 

    Aww, Temi, have you met his family?

    Temi: Yeah, and I was nervous as fuck that day. His family knows he’s queer, but I was still worried about what would go wrong. I met his siblings first. His sister made  jokes while his brother made me noodles. We spent the day gisting, and it ended up being fun. They even washed my car sef. LOL.


    That’s so sweet. Do you have any future plans for each other?

    Olanrewaju: We plan on getting married and having kids. 

    Temi: I want to travel around the world with him, and we will get there someday. Currently, we are looking forward to getting a bigger apartment and starting our life together as a live-in couple.  The kids, the pets and travel will follow soon.


    That’s nice. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 to 10?

    Temi: 25 out of 10. I have dated men before but no relationship has been this good. I don’t have to displease myself to make this work; we just work. 

    Olanrewaju: For me, 11. Temi is my answered prayer. He gives me peace of mind, and I don’t take that for granted. 


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    Mariam Sule

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  • Love Life: Opening Our Relationship Helped Save It

    Love Life: Opening Our Relationship Helped Save It

    Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

    Audio: Opening Up Our Relationship Helped Save It

    Frank*, 27, and Gabriel*, 30, have been together for five years. For today’s Love Life, they talk about navigating an open relationship, dealing with homophobia and their future plans.

    What is your earliest memory of each other?

    Frank: LMAO. I remember he introduced me to the pop band, London Grammar. We first met on the yellow dating app — if you know, you know. We were chatting there for a while, then we moved to BBM.

    Wait. How long have you two been together?

    Frank: September will make it five years. 

    Wow. Gabriel, what was your earliest memory of Frank?

    Gabriel: We had been chatting for a while, and we decided to meet up at the mall where I worked. That day, I saw this guy walking around the mall. He was backing me so I couldn’t see his face. I remember he was wearing a shirt and really short shorts. 

    I noticed him and thought, “Hmmm, this person looks good.” 

    Frank: Just say you wanted to grab my butt… 

    Gabriel: LMAO. Well, I was thinking, “This is a hot person.” Then I realised he was the one. I had no expectation of what he would look like. I didn’t know he would be as tall as I am, so I was pleasantly surprised. 

    Awww. Do you remember how you two started dating?

    Frank: It’s a bit complicated. One day, during the talking stage, he came to my office and stumbled on my WhatsApp chat with someone I slept with. It didn’t occur to me then that it was someone he also knew and had slept with. 

    I noticed his mood change, but I didn’t know what happened until he got home and asked me if I slept with the person. I said yes, and I remember him being bothered. He asked, “Okay so, are we going too fast with this or…”

    LOL. Gabriel, why are you being shy all of a sudden?

    Gabriel: LOL. Nothing, I am just remembering what happened. 

    Frank: So that was it. It affected us a bit but eventually, we were able to move past that. 

    Gabriel, how did you feel during that time? 

    Gabriel: We were trying to set up our relationship and that happened, so I was confused. It bothered me. I was asking myself what is happening here. 

    Do you remember what you saw?

    Gabriel: I can’t remember. The thing is we have access to each other’s phones, so it wasn’t like I was snooping around. It just happened. We had conversations about it and we decided to have an open relationship.

    How does that work? 

    Gabriel: Basically, we are free to see other people and have sex with them. The rule is to always be honest with each other. I didn’t mind it at all, as long as both of us are happy. Things have been great since then. 

    NICE! Do you remember your biggest fight?

    Gabriel: Hmm, there was a threat to our relationship. 

    How?

    Gabriel: So, he slept with a very close friend of ours. I wasn’t expecting it at that time. LMAO. 

    Frank: I- 

    Gabriel: Just shut up. LOL. I felt betrayed because I expected him to know better. I mean, you could have anybody else. Why did you have to go for someone so close to home? That bothered me a lot. We moved past it as well. 

    The great thing about our relationship is that we talk a lot. There is nothing we can’t tell each other. We are always expressing our feelings every step of the way, even when it involves experiencing something new. 

    We always communicate our needs so the other party doesn’t feel blindsided. That is our greatest strength. Like, there is nothing we haven’t talked about, including people we want to sleep with. 

    Frank: Like when you told me that there was someone at that Christmas party you wanted to make out with? 

    Gabriel: YES! 

    How do you feel when your partner tells you he wants to hook up with someone else? 

    Frank: Honestly, at this point in our relationship, we have made peace with the fact that we have each other, whether there are other people or not. When he pointed that guy out to me at the party, I thought, “Oh fun!” 

    As a matter of fact, I think we made out with the same person that night. 

    LMAO! 

    Gabriel: LOL. It happens. I don’t feel jealous when he is making out or having sex with someone else. The basis of our relationship is that we understand each other and we are very secure in each other. 

    We are also willing to compromise and meet the other person in the middle. 

    Aww, do you two live together?

    Frank: No, we don’t. 

    How often do you spend time with each other?

    Frank: At the earliest part of the relationship, we were seeing each other almost every day. I would go to his workplace from my office, hang around until he was done. We would head to our respective homes from there. 

    Eventually, it changed to every weekend, but since corona happened, the visits have kinda dropped. We make up for that with WhatsApp messages and calls. Also, he occasionally tries to drag me to the beach. 

    Gabriel: We make time for each other. I try to see him at least once a week. I have changed jobs and houses since we first met, so the distance is more than it used to be. During the weekends, we go out or hang out with our friends. 

    What’s your favourite thing about the relationship?

    Frank: For me, it is the freedom… not freedom to cheat oh…

    LOL. 

    Frank: Not that kind of freedom. Before we started dating, I was always wondering if I was good enough for anyone. With him, it was different. He would encourage me to open up to him and be my freest self. Before him, I don’t remember the last time I went to the beach. 

    Aww. Gabriel, what about you?

    Gabriel: My favourite thing is that I get to be myself. I can get goofy and very handsy. LOL. I love PDA, and he likes me like that. 

    Frank: I remember when we were still in the talking stage, and he just randomly asked me how I feel about PDA. I was like “Uhm, I don’t mind”. It was weird to me because, normally, when I put my arm around someone I am seeing, they go, “Ew, no”. 

    So when I told Gabriel I don’t mind, he started holding my hand in public.

    Gabriel: I love PDA. If we were not in this country, I would kiss him on the streets. 

    Frank: I mean you kissed me at the beach. 

    Have you ever experienced negativity because you were being intimate in public?

    Gabriel: *Sigh* Yes. 

    Frank: One day, we were both free from work, so we went to Tarkwa Bay. We had the beach to ourselves because it was a weekday. We were having fun playing in the water. I was struggling not to drown and he was holding me when I noticed two army men watching us. 

    When we came out of the water, one of them called me to come. I went over and he started asking personal questions like “Where do you stay?” and “Who is that guy to you?” 

    I said he’s my friend, and the man said, “Are you sure you don’t mean boyfriend?”. Then some kids there started making silly comments like, “Make una dey careful o, that one go burst your yansh o”.

    Wow. Kids?

    Frank: It’s not like it’s something we are not used to. We are fine. 

    I’m sorry that happened to you. Is this something that happens often?

    Gabriel: Not really or maybe I don’t notice sha. I am not really concerned about them. It’s not like I overdo it. I just feel like if you can hug a straight man in public, then what’s different from hugging a gay man in public? 

    These are regular gestures, yet, queer people find them hard to do in public. I don’t care though. 

    Frank: I am usually the one that points these things to him. 

    Gabriel: Yeah

    I am glad that you both are able to stay soft regardless. Do you have any future plans for your relationship?

    Frank: Ah, there is a long list. 

    LMAO. Tell me about some things on the list. 

    Frank: Moving in together is the first step. I wouldn’t mind a different country either. 

    Gabriel: In a different country, I would marry him. 

    Frank: That one is already a given, like from the beginning. 

    Aww!

    Gabriel: We are going to get cats and dogs. 

    Frank: I don’t mind kids either but Gabriel would rather be an uncle so, yes, pets. 

    Gabriel: Maybe relocate to abroad. 

    Frank: Maybe ke?

    LMAO. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1 – 10?

    Frank: Go first. You know me, I will be extreme. 

    Gabriel: LOL. Realistically, 9.5 over 10. 

    Why?

    Gabriel: I don’t have any issues with the relationship. I just removed that 0.5 because of human error. 

    LMAO. Frank, you?

    Frank: That’s actually why I asked him to go first because I would easily say 10. Human error aside, being with him is the happiest I have ever been with anybody. 

    Gabriel: AWW! 

    God, when? 

    Frank: LOL. It’s true. I enjoy his company. I love that we can always talk about anything anytime. Sharing those little moments is basically all I live for. The other things are bonus especially if we were living in a different country. 

    Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

    If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.

    Mariam Sule

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  • 6 Nigerians Talk About Their Experience With Open Relationships

    6 Nigerians Talk About Their Experience With Open Relationships

    Nigerians in open relationships may not be the most conventional or popular couples to exist, but they do exist. That’s why we decided to look for different Nigerians who are in open relationships or have been in open relationships to ask about their experience. Here’s what they said:

    Nigerians open relationships

    Susan, 30/Female/Bisexual – “I ended my open relationship out of jealousy.”

    I was in an open relationship with a woman back in 2015. We decided from the beginning that the relationship was going to be open, not because we didn’t love each other a lot, but because this life is too short to be with one person. I loved every bit of it in the beginning. There were no clear rules, but I expected her to be as reasonable and honest as I was about the entire thing.

    Unfortunately, she started lying (unnecessarily) when she went to see the men she was sleeping with. Sometimes, we would go out together and she would leave me to hang out with a man she was sleeping with. On one particular occasion, she even left with the guy but didn’t tell me she was leaving with him. I was also seeing men on the side, but I was honest and transparent about it. At least I think I was. The entire thing made me really jealous, so we drifted apart and ended it. I haven’t been in an open relationship since then. I feel a lot of Nigerians don’t know how to be in open relationships. They’d rather cheat.

    Nonso, 32/Male/Heterosexual – “I opened my marriage due to sex-related troubles and it hasn’t solved the problem.”

    Last year, my wife and I were having sex-related troubles, so we decided to explore opening the relationship. We have a few rules like: you can’t see more than two people at once, you must use protection, you must be honest about who you’re seeing and how much time you’re spending with them. Because we’re in a very structured relationship, we review these activities regularly.

    It hasn’t really done anything to revive our sex troubles, but it has made us more honest and friendly with each other. So far, we haven’t had any problems. I am ready to stop and seek more practical ways to solve the issues we’re having. While I’m having fun on the side, I really love my wife and lowkey don’t want any man to steal her with bomb preek. The problem now is, I don’t know how to tell her. She seems to be having more fun than me. 

    Tolu, 25/Female/Lesbian – “My partner wanted to explore her polyamorous side.”

    We decided to open our relationship because we both thought we wanted to experience other people. My partner wanted to explore her polyamorous side and I just wanted to explore. It was only sexual. It was agonizing to say the least. Letting go of my possessiveness was really hard. I had sex with one person. My partner had sex with two. We eventually decided to go back to normal because it wasn’t working out. It was a lot of angst with little reward so we weighed our options and decided closing it was best. 

    Khadeejah, 28/Female/Heterosexual – “Our open relationship didn’t work out for my partner, so we’re back to being monogamous.”

    I’m currently in a monogamous relationship. It was an open relationship beforehand but things didn’t work out from my partner’s end. Men tend to be taken aback when women say they would rather not be monogamous. My experience while it was open was great. I love not having to lie about seeing other people. I hate secrets and love being free. It was both sexual and romantic for me. Being able to love and be with multiple people that contribute in different ways to my happiness, was liberating for me.

    My partner and I went back to monogamy because he was jealous. For context, I was already polyamorous before I met him. I was in another romantic relationship while we were in the “talking stage”. He tried to act like he was okay with it at first. I was upfront about it; I said this is what I want and I don’t want to have to sneak around. He tried to make it work because he probably didn’t want to lose me but he was just too hung up on the conventional way of doing things and so after a lot of back and forth, I decided to give monogamy a try. 

    He means a lot to me and I don’t want to lose him. It has been okay so far. It’s been 2 months. But we’re in a stay-at-home situation, so there isn’t a lot of going out yet. I’m going to try my best to make it work because I agreed to it but I don’t know what that’s going to be like yet. 

    Tinu, 29/Female/Heterosexual- “My husband and I are contemplating opening our relationship after making out with neighbours.”

    My husband and I recently started contemplating opening our relationship. We haven’t decided on anything yet, because of Covid and all —  and I don’t know if we will — but something happened last year that spurred this. We moved to a new country and didn’t have a lot of friends in the city and neighborhood. But then we met a couple and became friends. The four of us spent time together and sometimes, they brought their kids with them.  One day though, their kids weren’t around, so we drank a bit and got pretty shitfaced.

    I can’t remember who came up with the idea to swap partners, but it happened and I was making out with someone that wasn’t my husband and my husband was making out with someone that wasn’t me. It was really exciting. When we got home, my husband and I had really amazing sex. We talked about it afterwards and there were mixed feelings about the entire experience. We decided to stop hanging out with them. We started talking about it again recently and we now think that just making out with that couple might have done something to our sex life. 

    Michael, 27/Male/Heterosexual – “Being in a long distance relationship made us open our relationship.”

    We’re in a long distance relationship. She’s in school abroad and I’m in Nigeria. We’re practically married — we’ve done introduction — but the strain of being in a long distance relationship is getting to us. So when she brought it up, I was happy to go with it — anything to make her happy. I’m not going to lie and say it’s not hard for me, that’s why I don’t ask her about the details. I don’t know if we’ll stop when she moves back home. Probably sha. We’re taking it one day at a time.

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