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Office behaviour | Zikoko!
  • We Decoded Common Office Lingo to Help You Survive January

    We Decoded Common Office Lingo to Help You Survive January

    If you’re like us, you’ve forgotten how to function in a 9-to-5 office since your return from the holidays. So here’s a “gentle” reminder that there’s more to office language than meets the ears. To survive the average work environment, you must understand beyond-the-surface meanings of the most common statements that slip off your co-workers’ lips or keyboard.

    That’s where we come in with the only guide you need to succeed.

    “I trust this meets you well”

    They greet you politely with this to soften the blow for what comes next. It’s just like how mosquitoes sing in your ears before sucking your blood, so stay guarded.

    “Circle back”

    You’ve been asked something ages ago, but not a word from you. Now, they’re back to check if you’re dead or want to be fired.

    “For your information”

    This translates to “I don’t expect a response, but don’t say I didn’t tell you.” It’s a smooth denial disclaimer.

    “Prioritise”

    In a 9-5 setup, this word means drop everything in the world to focus on the singular task your oga has assigned to you.

    “Gentle reminder”

    They’ve shouted on top of your head three times already. This gentle nudge is because they’ve noted that you’re sleeping on your job. You better wake up before it turns into a final reminder.

    “Per your request”

    This is to passively say they’ve done exactly what you asked for without additions. They’re not magicians; they just bang on their keyboard buttons.

    “Per my last email”

    You get this when the sender of the email can’t believe they have to repeat themselves. It’s a mix of frustration and “wetin dey do this guy?”

    “Attached for the record”

    It means, “You may not check this on time, but when wahala bursts, you’ll wish you had.”

    “As we approach the end of year…”

    Remember the backlog of work that made you greatful for the holiday in the first place? Well, it’ll be back at the end of this year. Get ready for urgent chaos, i.e., tasks that’ll bombard you before the company closes.

    It’s all an endless loop.

  • Corporate Speak 101: How to Insult Your Coworker Without Losing Your Job

    Corporate Speak 101: How to Insult Your Coworker Without Losing Your Job

    As a Nigerian, it’s okay to ask your friend if “dem they crase” as a joke. These simple everyday phrases are so normal that they might want to slip out at work. No try am sha. That’s where we come in. All those insults you want to throw at your boss? Here’s how to turn them into corporate speak so you don’t lose your job.  

    You sure say your head correct so? 

    You self look am, you can think it, but you can’t actually say things like these in a proper workspace. Not like that, at least. Dust that dictionary and change it to something sweet like: “Can you confirm that we are both mentally aligned….” You have to be coded with these things. 


    RELATED: 15 Things That Are Too Real For Any Nigerian Who Hates Their Boss


    Who ask you?

    Nobody is indispensable oh, so before this jumps out of your mouth. Take a deep breath and say this instead: “Kindly inform me where your input was requested in this matter”. This one self get as e be. They might still give you small query, but we move, innit?

    How e take be my problem?

    Everyone has that coworker from hell whose primary duty is to stress you with their problems. The next time they ask you if you’re available to work on something last minute, instead of letting your village people use you, say this instead: “I understand the urgency of your situation. However, I am unable to prioritise it over my current task”. They’ll always think you’re nice for even replying. 

    Una no dey pay me for this one

    See, I understand. Sometimes, the frustration dey choke. People will pay you ₦50k to work 12 hours, five days a week, and still call to ask you to work on the lord’s day. That ₦50k no dey hold bele, but it’s better than nothing, so say this instead: “These additional tasks are an expansion of my role. Is there a plan to review my role and compensation to reflect them?” English sweet die. Last last, they will either increase your pay or double the work. The heart of man is desperately wicked.  

    You dey talk nonsense 

    “I am struggling to understand what you’re communicating”. It’s that simple. It’s not even choosing violence because if you do rubbish based on the nonsense you didn’t understand, you might get fired. 

    Who send you message?

    For every one Nigerian in existence, there are 10 billion busybodies. Check the Zikoko bureau of statistics if you don’t believe me. Sha, some people like to overdo, and while it’s okay to say, “Who send you message” to your work bestie, these busybodies always take things personally, so try this instead: “Are you certain you’re the appropriate person to execute this task?”

    You dey behave like evil spirit

    “Are you familiar with the occult? Because sometimes, you exhibit occultic traits”. But as you are saying this one, clear your table just in case. In fact, maybe get a new job in another country two months in advance, make evil spirit no spoil your hustle. 


    READ ALSO: 5 Ways To Deal With Your Boss Spiritually

  • “I Was Used to Being Silenced” — Nigerians on Life After Leaving Their Toxic Workplaces

    “I Was Used to Being Silenced”  — Nigerians on Life After Leaving Their Toxic Workplaces

    If there’s anything recent conversations surrounding work culture in Nigeria has shown us, it’s that navigating and surviving a toxic workplace requires a lot of hard work. But what happens when you finally move on to greener pastures and a work culture that respects you as a human being? In this article, six Nigerians break down how they adjusted to their new work environment, and what they had to unlearn after leaving toxic workspaces that drained them physically and emotionally. 

    1. “I had never worked in an office where salaries had a set date”

    — Uchenna

    My former boss was a financial and emotional tyrant. The first red flag I convinced myself was pink was when he asked me to start work without a contract. Two months into the job, I realised I got paid whenever he felt like paying his workers. My salary might come at the end of the month, middle or even the start. It made it very difficult to plan around my salary, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, he would post Instagram stories of him popping bottles in the club even though he was owing me my salary. I remember leaving after a year of suffering and poverty. 

    At my new job, the contract had a salary date and honestly, I just thought they were fucking around. So imagine my surprise when my salary showed up first thing on the 28th of my first month. I almost ran mad. Based on my last experience, I just assumed salaries were based on vibes and inshallah. I was so used to not knowing when my salary would come, that I found it hard to spend money or live my life. I had to unlearn this fear and breathe easy because I finally had a structure where I could save and make plans.

    EDITOR’s PICK: How This Nigerian Tech Bro Was Used and Dumped By a US Startup

    2. “I’m finally in a work environment where I can speak up without fear of being fired”

    — Kiitan

    The CEO at my old job came in and turned our work culture into one built on fear and silence. Before he was hired, my co-workers and I were all very friendly and supportive of one another, but I’m not even joking when I say this guy came in and we all turned on one another. He would yell and force his ideas and opinions on the rest of us. It was so bad that I eventually pushed back at a meeting once, and he asked that my contract be terminated. 

    The first thing I noticed at my new job was how everyone communicated in such an open and transparent way. There is public acknowledgment and reward for work done, and I don’t feel the toxicity of people calling me names or trying to pull me down. I’ve also had to unlearn the need to work on my own. I was used to handling tasks all by myself, but now I understand the concept of delegation. I don’t have to carry everything on my head. 

    RELATED: 4 Nigerians Talk About Their Bosses Taking Credit for Their Work

    3. “I’ve had to unlearn how I communicate with my co-workers.”

    — Faridah

    At my old job, the CEO’s wife ran things. She worked in the company too, and it was a case of “it’s my husband’s company, so I can do anything I like”. 

    She made working there a horrible experience, and no one could challenge her. But the weird plot twist? Well, I found out her husband was the one asking her to say these things. He wanted to maintain his “good guy” personality, so he used her to pass his message across since she already had a fearless personality. 

    The best part about my new job is the fact that there’s friendship here. There’s a sense of community, and the people here are kind and thoughtful. I also had to unlearn how I communicate with my co-workers. I used to speak with the fear of being shouted at or unnecessarily scolded like a child. Now I can talk freely and my opinion is encouraged. 

    4. “My former co-worker was hooked to a hospital drip and still working”

    — Chacha

    My old boss masqueraded as a woke guy, but deep down, he was the most toxic person I ever worked with. He made me and the other interns in our organisation work for more than a year without public holidays, leave or salary reviews. Mind you, we were supposed to only work as interns for three months. There was the time my co-worker asked for permission to go to a wedding, only for the office to force her to work on her laptop at that wedding while everyone else was doing owambe. The place was so toxic it filtered into our WhatsApp platform where my boss was always dragging people. 

    My new job is different. I remember asking our account officer if I’d be getting my full salary since I was on probation. She laughed and asked if I thought they were monsters. Then there was the time I fell ill and HR asked me to take all the time I needed. Coming from an organisation where someone once worked even though they were hooked to a hospital drip, all of this was surprising to me. I finally realised that the way I was treated at my old job was wrong and they were not invested in my physical or career growth.  

    ALSO READ: 7 People You’ll Meet in Every Nigerian Office

    5. “I don’t feel guilty about putting my health first anymore”

    — IK

    The company culture at my old workplace revolved around our CEO’s mood. One day we’re wearing t-shirts and jeans, and the next day they’re asking all of us to dress corporate. He also had a habit of sacking people by just deleting their emails and removing them from Slack. He was doing all of this but still maintaining a “you can tell me anything, I’m young like you” energy. He saw himself as this saviour we should all look up to. Working there really affected my self-esteem even though I was getting therapy. 

    At my new job, even though we have a structural hierarchy, everyone is equal. It doesn’t feel like this person is that other person’s boss, it just feels like they’re in a particular role to contribute to the overall company. I’m also learning that I don’t have to overcompensate at work. If I’m not feeling good, I can take a break, and it’s fine. I don’t have to feel guilty because I’m putting my health first. 

    6. “I’ve regained the confidence my old job stole from me”

    — Tejiro

    My old job hired me as a programmes assistant, but I got there and started taking the responsibilities of a programmes officer. I was hired to support the programme officer, but here I was basically serving as the team lead. I kept telling myself it was a learning experience, but they would belittle and silence me in meetings. My boss would come in, and I’d have to get him coffee or food. I was babying a full-grown adult. It took a lot from me and my confidence because I started doubting if it’d ever get better than this. It was really bad. 

    I joined my new job and was still trapped in that feeling where I saw myself as less. It has taken a while, but now It feels good to be working in a space where I have a voice. I’m learning that I don’t have to always wait for validation because the people I work with trust my work. I listen to some people’s stories now and I’m like, “Damn, that used to be me”. 

    CONTINUE READING: How My Abusive Boss Made Me Quit My Job

  • Anyone Who Has Worked With Nigerians Will Understand This Perfectly

    Anyone Who Has Worked With Nigerians Will Understand This Perfectly

    1. When your coworker wants you to come and pick him/her every morning

    Are you buying me fuel?

    2. When Wale from head office is always coming 40 minutes late for every meeting

    We that came here early, do we have three heads?

    3. That coworker that is always over excited

    What is always “sweeting” this one?

    4. Monday morning and someone has body odor enough to suffocate

    My God. Has water finished in your side of this country?

    5. Office people and minding their business

    They don’t go together.

    6. When one of your coworkers is always asking you out to dinner

    You’ve been getting ‘no’ since 2014. You no dey tire?

    7. When one of your coworkers is always coming for advice

    Every time one problem or the other.

    8. When you realize you actually wasted your time advising them

    Please don’t come and disturb me ever again.

    9. When someone removes his/her shoe and renders the air unsafe

    Why do you do this everyday?

    10. When Emeka from customer care is never at his desk but everywhere else

    Is there soldier ant on your seat?

    11. You when the SU of the office is always trying to invite you for fellowship

    Ahan, is it not the same heaven we are going?

    12. That coworker that is always kissing the ass of all the ogas

    You no dey tire?

    13. When Haruna always shows up with Sallah meat

    SURE GUY!

    14. When you see the serial money borrower coming to your desk

    I’m not even here.

    15. Those coworkers that want to take the shine when they didn’t do anything

    If you don’t get out.