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  • The #NairaLife of a Corps Member Who’s Stripping to Pay Off Her Debt

    Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.


    Nairalife #278 bio

    What’s your earliest memory of money?

    My parents gave me ₦10 daily for snacks in primary school, and I spent it on those frozen powdered drinks sold as “ice cream”. ₦5 could get five of those, and I’d spend the balance on whatever. Life was good.

    How good?

    Good enough to take food to school and still have money to spend on whatever I wanted. My parents were civil servants, and sometimes, my dad would drive me to school. We were the average middle-class family. But then, my parents separated when I was in Primary 1, and money became a problem. 

    How so?

    My mum, siblings and I had to leave our three-bedroom house and move in with a family friend until my mum could afford a one-room apartment. We even moved in when it was practically empty — we had just three plastic chairs.

    My mum became the sole provider. I went from being the student with money to spend during lunch break to being one of the students who was sent home for not paying school fees. It was a harsh transition that lasted about three years before my parents got back together. 

    They stayed together for a year and separated again — for good this time — when I was in Primary 5. This was in 2008.

    What did this mean to you?

    It affected me more than it did the first time. I must’ve been around six when we had to leave the first time, and I don’t remember feeling sad that my dad wasn’t around. But by the final separation, I could see just how much it affected my mum financially. 

    I was just about to enter secondary school, and she’d always talk about trying to raise money for my fees. At the end of the day, she had to convince my principal to waive some extra charges so I could resume school after I’d spent a few weeks at home. 

    Then my mum got laid off from work when I was in JSS 2 and started selling raw grains to make money. I helped her anytime I was home from school. That was the first thing I did to earn money.

    Did your mum pay you?

    Yes. People in our area couldn’t afford to buy in bulk, so she’d open a bag of grains and ask me to divide them into smaller portions and tie them in smaller bags. She paid ₦100 for every bag I tied, and I could tie two to three bags in a day. 

    I did that on and off during the weekends. In SS 2, I started selling chocolates to my classmates. I’d moved in with a family friend to reduce the financial burden on my mum, and I decided I needed to make extra money to cover transportation and other things I needed at school. 

    My mum was still paying for my school fees and sending a ₦2k – ₦3k monthly allowance, but the extra money from the chocolates came in handy for additional expenses. 

    What kind of profit did you make?

    A pack of 80 pieces cost ₦300, and transportation to and fro the market cost ₦100. I sold each candy at ₦10, making ₦400 in profit after removing the cost of buying and transportation. 

    I sold the chocolates until I left secondary school in 2014. I didn’t get admission into university until 2018. I first took on a ₦14k/month waitress job and then left to work as a receptionist at a photo studio for ₦15k/month. 

    After a few months, my mum had an accident, and I had to stay home to take care of her. It was while I was at home that I started writing for money in 2016.

    How did you start writing?

    I read a lot and often wrote to replicate what I read. I wrote a lot about everything going on in my family. I posted some of these stories on Nairaland and met the first person who paid me to write. She paid me ₦1k for a 1000-word lifestyle article. She liked it and gave me three more writing gigs. I made ₦4500 in total from her.

    I applied for more writing gigs on Nairaland and gradually got clients. I could write up to three articles weekly and earn between ₦6k – ₦10k. That became my primary source of income till I finally got into uni in 2018.

    Did you continue the writing gigs in uni?

    Managing the gigs and school work was difficult, especially because I used my phone to write. Since I didn’t have a laptop, I’d first write out the articles on paper before typing them into my phone. It was too stressful, so I just stopped looking for gigs.

    Around the same time, I saw an advert for a modelling audition at school and decided to apply. I passed the audition and got cast to walk for a fashion show for free. I was happy to do it for the experience. The agency offered to sign me on, and I paid ₦5k to register as one of their models.

    How does modelling for an agency work?

    A modelling agency should train their models, send them out for gigs and then handle payment. Unfortunately for me, my agency only took their models to parties and clubs to meet men. 

    The final straw was when they made me do a nude photoshoot. I wasn’t comfortable with my nude pictures being out for anyone to see, so I quit. I was with them for only five months.

    Did you try to get gigs on your own?

    I went for multiple auditions, but I’m short, and most of the casting directors said they wanted someone 5’9” and above. 

    I didn’t get another gig until 2019 when I got paid ₦10k to walk the runway for a one-day show. The fashion house owner saw one of my online practice videos and liked it.

    That show helped me meet other people in the industry and build a network. I started getting small modelling gigs once or twice a month. ₦7k for a photoshoot here and ₦5k to work with a make-up artist there. 

    I spent most of what I made on transportation. In modelling, you’re always on the move for one rehearsal, fitting or the like, and that took a lot of my money. When I wasn’t working on paid gigs, I worked on unpaid collaborations to build my portfolio. Honestly, it was just something I enjoyed doing, so I didn’t mind that I wasn’t making much from it.

    But how were you surviving?

    I picked up stage decoration — mostly from watching others do it — and did the odd decoration gig for faculty and departmental functions when I wasn’t modelling. That usually brought in ₦10k – ₦15k per gig, but it wasn’t regular. I hardly got any allowance from home.  

    In 2021, another modelling agency signed me. I found them on Instagram and they looked legit. I paid ₦15k to register, but I left after six months.

    Why?

    The gigs weren’t coming. None of the new models got gigs within that period, and I couldn’t even take on outside jobs. At that point, I decided to give modelling a break.

    I took up a part-time job as an assistant to someone who produced cosmetics. It was just twice a week and paid ₦20k/month. It was the highest I’d ever made up to that point, and it helped that it didn’t interfere with school. I worked there for seven months and left when I was about to enter my final year because I needed to go for a three-month teaching practice internship.

    Did you get paid for this internship?

    Nope. I survived by taking random modelling and movie extra gigs on the weekends. I even got a small supporting role on a movie set once and got paid ₦70k after filming.

    The school I interned at did try to retain me and offered ₦20k/month, but I didn’t take it. Around that time, I participated in a beauty contest/reality show situation that turned my life upside down.

    I’m listening

    I honestly don’t know why I keep falling for sham agencies, but I fell for this one. It was a pageant that was supposed to pay the winner ₦100k. I paid ₦5k for the application form, and the organisers housed me and the other contestants. Then, they began hounding us for votes.

    This was how votes worked: You had to get people to “buy” votes for you by paying the organisers. Each vote cost ₦100, and most contestants bought their own votes just to get ahead.

    I had to join them to buy votes after the organisers placed me in the “bottom five” group twice in a row. I contacted a few people for money but got no help, so I borrowed ₦10k from a loan app to buy my votes.

    Did that help?

    It kept me in the house until the main event. But then, the organisers came again and told us to start selling tickets for it, and I just gave up. 

    But I still had to repay the loan, and with interest, it came to about ₦13500. I started getting multiple calls from the loan guys after the pay-back date elapsed, and I panicked and took another loan from a different app to pay them. That’s how my loan cycle started in 2022.

    I didn’t have a strong source of income, so it was easy to fall back on more apps to repay my debt. Plus, the interests were always so much. I’d borrow ₦18k and have to pay back ₦27k. Then I’d borrow ₦27k and have to pay ₦35k. 

    My debt had grown to ₦78k when I saw a WhatsApp BC about an opening for bikini girls for a pool party.

    Bikini girls?

    Dancers. We just had to dance in bikinis. The pay was ₦6k for a one-day event. I’d never worn a bikini in public before, but I was desperate for money. So, I applied and got the gig. I danced and got paid, but the organiser complained I was too self-conscious and stiff.

    A week later, I got another bikini dancing gig for two weekends. That one paid ₦12k in total. I got another gig at a lounge that paid ₦5k to dance every Friday. I noticed the other girls got tips when they danced close to the men. So, I did the same thing and made ₦15k in tips on the first day.

    I danced for a month and made enough money to clear my ₦78k debt. There was no reason for me to take the gigs anymore, so I left most of the WhatsApp groups that posted those jobs. But two weeks later, I realised I was pregnant. I couldn’t tell anyone, and I couldn’t keep it either, so I Googled options for an abortion. I found medication online that cost ₦38k. I didn’t have money, so I returned to the loan apps. I borrowed ₦45k and bought the drugs. While waiting for the drugs to be delivered to me, I had a miscarriage.

    Damn

    I couldn’t get a refund, and I had a debt of ₦70k — the loan amount + interest — to clear. The fastest way I knew to make money was to return to dancing, so I did that. 

    I found a club that hired strippers on a tip-sharing basis — they took 40% of every tip the dancers made. I worked there for a week and made ₦30k. I left because they didn’t allow dancers to wear masks, and I wasn’t comfortable.

    The next gig I found only required me to strip dance at a lounge on Fridays and get paid ₦15k. Thankfully, I was allowed to wear a mask. I sometimes had sex with male customers to get extra tips — usually up to ₦15k/week. It weighed a lot on my conscience, so I only had the courage to work once every two weeks. That worked for a while, and I was able to reduce my dependence on loans. 

    But then, I hit a setback in 2023.

    What happened?

    I lost over ₦200k to a fake Instagram vendor. I was trying to buy a phone, and the vendor looked legit. I borrowed the money from several loan apps. But the vendor took my money and blocked me. Thinking about it now, it was a very unwise decision.

    I began another round of borrowing to repay the different apps. But again, their interest rates were high, and within three months, my debt had grown to ₦700k.

    Yikes. What was the plan to settle that?

    I had to start stripping every weekend to meet up. Sometimes, I dance twice weekly, depending on how often the gigs come. 

    I graduated from university in 2023 and am currently serving, but I still have debt, so I strip and dance. I do any job I can find at clubs: bikini dancing, bottle service and stripping. I make at least ₦50k weekly.

    How much do you currently owe?

    ₦215k. I created a list with all the apps I owed and gradually paid them off according to who I first borrowed from to limit the multiple calls and reminders to pay. They even called my mum and sister multiple times to threaten them. But I was determined not to borrow from more apps to pay back my debts, so it helped me progress. I’m not putting myself under any pressure to pay anymore. When I have, I pay.

    You mentioned you’re currently serving. The extra income must be welcome

    It is. I started NYSC in February, and my PPA pays ₦30k/month. Then there’s the ₦33k NYSC stipend. However, I spend ₦30k monthly transporting to and from my PPA, where I work as a front desk officer. So, it’s only the ₦33k stipend I can say is mine. I also rented a ₦300k/year apartment in March, so saving for rent takes part of it.

    Can you break down these expenses into a typical month?

    Nairalife #278 monthly expenses

    Thankfully, I’m the youngest in my family, so there’s no black tax. I also don’t have a “flex” budget because I know I’ve been super irresponsible with money in the past, and I’m just trying to move past my mistakes. 

    My experiences have made me a lot wiser. For instance, I currently have ₦120k saved up for rent that’s due next year. My relationship with money isn’t healthy yet, but I’m on the right path.

    How do you juggle a 9-5 with the many gigs you do?

    There are days when I go to the lounge to dance straight from my PPA and then go from there back to work the next day. That’s after dancing in heels for hours. But I don’t have a choice. I have to dance so I can pay off my debts.

    Apart from the long hours, stripping can also be very demeaning. It’s a mental struggle. I can be dancing on my own and someone would come and try to pull off my lingerie or touch me. Some days, I finish working and go back home to cry. Like, this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing.

    I make sure to always wear masks as a way to preserve the little dignity I have left. I overhear snide remarks from male customers all the time. Stuff like, “This one is only good for sex”. It’s crazy how people judge you for the same things they’re there for, but this is Nigeria.

    Have you considered what the next few years of your life might look like?

    I’m actively planning for my future. I hope to transition into tech after NYSC, and I’m taking courses in preparation. One is a virtual assistant course, and the other is about using AI to write. Both courses cost me ₦57k, but I see it as investing in my future.

    How much do you think you’ll earn monthly from these skills?

    ₦500k/monthly would be a good starting point. The aim is to earn in dollars.

    Rooting for you. Do you have financial regrets? Apart from the loans

    I wish I’d reached out to family and friends when I first got into the loan cycle. My parents don’t support me anymore, but I could’ve reached out to my siblings and friends for help with my debt rather than going at it alone. 

    It would’ve been quite embarrassing, but at least, I wouldn’t have gotten into as much debt to resort to everything I’m doing now to get out of it.

    How would you rate your financial happiness on a scale of 1 – 10?

    5. It’d be higher when I start earning money in a manner I consider dignified.


    If you’re interested in talking about your Naira Life story, this is a good place to start.

    Find all the past Naira Life stories here.

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  • We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    As a fresh corps member in Nigeria, you’ll spend three weeks at the NYSC orientation camp of the state you’ve been posted to. And these three weeks can be hell or heaven, depending on the state.

    Since very little will prepare you for exactly what you’ll witness in camp, we decided to do the Lord’s work and give you a glimpse of ten orientation camps to start.

    Kogi

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Cassie Davies

    Location: Asaya, Kabba LGA

    The Kogi state governor needs to swing into action and give this camp a major facelift. Just look at that abandoned public school classroom cosplaying as a camp clinic. God, abeg.

    Enugu

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@nyscenugu

    Location: Awgu LGA

    Why are they feeding human beings through the louvers? And that red soil. This camp will stain your white, so you better pack cash for laundry.

    Kwara

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@nysc_kwara

    Location: Yikpata, Edu LGA

    I’ve got two questions: What do the FG and NYSC have against tarring the camp grounds? Do they get commission from the laundry guys?

    Ebonyi

    Photo source: Ebonyinysccamp

    Location: Macgregor College, Afikpo LGA

    I don’t know if it’s the pictures or this camp is heavy on the Nollywood village grammar school vibes.

    Anambra

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@officialnyscanambra

    Location: Umuawulu/Mbaukwu Awka South LGA

    That first photo must’ve been carefully orchestrated for PR. Who asked for a view of the camp through a palm tree-lined path? I suppose nature lovers would have a swell time camping here… if they can manage all that red soil.

    Ondo

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@ondonysc_camp

    Location: Ikare Akoko LGA

    Is it my eyes or this camp is giving Obudu Cattle Ranch? They get five points for that volleyball court.

    Oyo

    Photo source: Instagram/@oyokopa

    Location: Iseyin

    Tarred roads, a volleyball court and a splash of greenery? Yes, please. But why do I feel like there’ll be a lot of long-distance trekking in this camp?

    Ogun 

    Photo source: Instagram/@obsnyscogunstate

    Location: Sagamu

    I had no idea what to expect from Ogun state but surely not this nice auditorium and amphitheatre. They get B+ for effort.

    Lagos

    We Ranked 10 NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria by Their Photos

    Photo source: Instagram/@nyscenugu

    Location: Iyana-ipaja

    Lagos camp still doesn’t have a main auditorium in almighty 2024. But if you can forgive this, they’ve got the nicest volleyball court and badass three-storey hostels. Love it.

    Rivers

    Photo source: X

    Location: Nonwa Gbam Tai LGA

    You should have all the bragging rights with no questions asked when your main auditorium looks like this. 

    Enjoyed reading about NYSC Orientation Camps in Nigeria? Read this next: “I Was Posted to a Funeral Home” — Ex-Corp Members Share Their Wildest NYSC Experiences

  • We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences From “This Is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    I’ll always preach the gospel that NYSC should begin and end with the three-week orientation camp. Why do I have to dedicate a year of my life to serving my fatherland? It’s giving forced labour, please.

    Anyway, I decided to rank 16 experiences that are very familiar to anyone who has ever, or will potentially answer, annoying names like Otondo, Corper Wee Wee Wee and Corper Wa Wa Wa. TF? 

    We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences from “This is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    Let’s get into it.

    1. Receiving your call up letter

    This is where you know if you serve a living God or if your village people have plans for you. If you get the state you want, good for you. If you don’t, you’ll start asking yourself questions like, ”Is this even necessary?”

    Verdict: This is fun.

    2. Packing for camp

    We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences from “This is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    You think you know what confusion is? Wait until you hear distorted information about the number of photocopies to make, white shorts and shirts to pack, and everything else that should follow you to camp. I made a total of 100 photocopies.

    Verdict: Get me out of here. 

    3. Arriving at orientation camp

    It might not look like it because you’ll probably be stressed AF, but it’s one of the sweetest NYSC experiences because it’s real as shit. It’s the real “Mama, I made it” moment followed by this next one.

    Verdict: This is fun.

    4. Getting your NYSC gear

    We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences from “This is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    If you’re still in doubt, receiving your NYSC kit will help you realise that true true, na you be the latest corper wee in town. 

    Verdict: This is fun.

    5. When nothing fits you

    This is where chaos starts. You’ll have to ask strangers if they’re willing to exchange with you. Whether you find someone or not, it’s lowkey one of the most annoying things to experience on the first day in camp.

    Verdict: Get me out of here.

    6. The struggle for bedspace

    We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences from “This is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    As someone who got the bed space closest to the room’s entrance and toilet, let me tell you that this seemingly simple activity of choosing where to sleep can define what your camp life will look like. NYSC should better make bed space and room selection part of the registration process.

    Verdict: Get me out of here.

    7. Bonding with your roomates

    We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences from “This is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    If you take a cherished moment/experience away from NYSC, it probably started from your assigned room. This is where you’ll likely make friends with random people you don’t know from Adam. 

    Verdict: This is fun.

    8. The early morning drills

    This one will make you swear from the bottom of your heart for the person who came up with the idea that birthed NYSC. 

    Verdict: Get me out of here.

    9. Getting your first pay

    We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences from “This is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    The money might only buy a plate of food at mami but yes to chopping government money!

    Verdict: This is fun.

    10. Discovering mami market

    If you’re like me who didn’t want anything to do with camp food, the mami market will be your small mecca during your time in camp.

    Verdict: This is fun.

    11. Your first allawee

    Of course, you’re happy AF to receive your first monthly allawee even if it’ll only last a few days. 

    Verdict: This is fun.

    12. PPA posting

    We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences from “This is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    Two things can happen here: Your connect comes true and you’re posted to your desired PPA or NYSC flings you to an abandoned organisation in the middle of nowhere. Either way, the anxiety of finding out both is not recommended.

    Verdict: Get me out of here.

    13. Weekly/monthly CDS

    Please, NYSC should begin and end with the three weeks in orientation camp. Every other activity is not necessary.

    Verdict: Get me out of here. 

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    14. Passing out parade

    It’s like getting to the end of a badly written Nollywood script. Won’t you be happy when you see “The End”? Exactly. Let’s pack this shit up and never speak of it again. 

    Verdict: This is fun.

    15. The big social media post

    We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences from “This is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    How else will the people know you’re fit to run for office if they don’t find pictures of you posing with your NYSC certificate? Documenting is an important process of it all, please dear. 

    Verdict: This is fun.

    16. Jobless again

    We Ranked 16 NYSC Experiences from “This is Fun” to “Get Me Out of Here”

    So your PPA didn’t retain you. You reach out to relatives who promised to help with a job and they say “Aired, DFKM”. On top of this, the government has stopped giving you their meagre ₦33k. Haq haq haq. Welcome to your quarter-life crisis era.

    Verdict: Get me out of here.

    Take the quiz: Only People Who Did NYSC Will Get 8/12 In This Quiz

  • “I Was Posted to a Funeral Home” — Ex-Corp Members Share Their Wildest NYSC Experiences

    Every NYSC member goes through two phases that can either mar or make the entire experience: the initial posting to a state in Nigeria, and the posting to a primary Place of Assignment (PPA) tailored to your area of expertise, or not.

    We decided to ask some ex-corp members about their experience with both postings, and they had some funny to scary stories to share.

    “I Was Posted to a Funeral Home” — Ex-Corp Members Share Their Wildest NYSC Experiences

    Abraham*, 32

    I suspected something was wrong the day I got my PPA posting letter and couldn’t find useful information about the company on Google. I’d heard how PPAs were scarce in Lagos and people had to show up before another corper takes up the spot. I left the orientation camp in Ipaja for Ikeja and got there around 2 p.m. Everyone I asked gave different directions but nobody knew the exact building. One maiguard saw me and offered to take me to the place. When we finally located the building, it looked deserted. We knocked, and this heavily built man came out. He said they weren’t taking corpers, and I was super relieved. Some months later, the address dropped as one of the kidnap hotspots job seekers should avoid in Lagos. 

    Yemi*,40

    Amuru Abam in Abia state was one scary experience. The roads were so terrible, you could barely escape falling off a bike. But that’s not what freaked me out. The locals were fetish on a different level. 

    There was a big tree in the community where many people would sit for shade. But when it got cloudy, people would run from it as if their lives depended on it. They said raindrops from the tree must not touch the human body. Apparently, the tree is a deity they worship annually. It gives whatever one requests but with consequences. I was skeptical, but I avoided the tree till I completed my service year.

    Balikis*, 28

    My first PPA posting was to a funeral home, and I still suffer PTSD from the place till this day. I decided not to work there when I saw the company name on my PPA letter, but I still had to show up and beg them to reject me. I went there about two days after with my friend, and the owners rejected me without a fight. 

    Temilade*, 28

    I was dead set on serving in Lagos, which was why I was willing to starve and save up the ₦100k to pay my NYSC plug. The call-up letter came out and I saw Edo. How? I mean, I knew Lagos was hard and it was a gamble even after paying, but why not Ogun or Ibadan? I couldn’t believe my eyes, and I don’t remember crying that much in all of my adult years. I spent three weeks in the orientation camp and didn’t enjoy the experience because I was depressed the entire time. I finally got redeployed to Ibadan, and I made peace with that. Lagos to Edo? God, abeg o.

    Ibrahim* 35

    I’ve spent most of my life in Abuja, but I knew I wanted to explore other parts of Nigeria when it was time for NYSC. So I just trusted I’d get one of the states I filled without working it. I was posted to Osun state and had a great camping experience. However, when it was time for PPA posting, I got a school outside the capital. Everyone already mentioned how the best places to work were in Osogbo. I finally resumed and the sight of the school threw me off with the bushes everywhere and classes looking abandoned. It was giving strong kidnap zone. It didn’t help matters when the principal showed up and spoke Yoruba. The students looked like they’d beat me up if they felt like it. I came back the next day and begged the principal to reject me, but he refused. He said they could use the extra hand and they hadn’t gotten corpers in a while. It took several days of calls from my parents before this man agreed to reject me. It felt like I was released from prison.

    George*, 25

    My PPA was a small company in Ekiti, and I think I was jazzed because that’s the only explanation for the two months I spent there. I basically the errand boy. There were two other workers, but we hardly spoke. Everyone showed up in the morning and stayed in their corner. I did everything from making photocopies to buying food and cleaning the office, all on a ₦10k monthly allowance. The CEO didn’t allow any staff into her office apart from these red-garment church people who showed up whenever and stayed in her office for hours. I don’t know how my mum noticed something was off with me, but one day she called and said she wanted to speak with my boss. Two days after the call, I was laid off and started processing redeployment.

  • All You Need to Coast Through NYSC Orientation Camp

    Are you a freshly minted graduate of a Nigerian university? Have you finally received the call-up letter to serve your fatherland? Are you experiencing mild-to-strong delulu while packing for camp because you think some items aren’t necessary? 

    If your answer is yes to all of the above, pay attention, or better still, grab a note and jot things down. We’ve compiled the ultimate list that’ll take your NYSC orientation camp experience from “God, abeg” to “Can we do this again?”

    NYSC call-up letter

    30 Essential Items That’ll Make NYSC Orientation Camping Easier

    Image source: MySchoolGist

    Make sure you carry along three to five copies of this — with the original. It’s the rite of passage at the orientation camp entrance.

    School ID card

    Don’t leave the house without your student identification card.

    School documents 

    Make sure you come along with original and photocopied copies of your statement of result or degree certificate.

    Clear file bag

    30 Essential Items That’ll Make NYSC Orientation Camping Easier

    Image source: Jumia

    To keep your documents safe and secure.

    Passport photograph

    You’ll need a lot of these during the registration process in camp. Best to come with three to six copies.

    Extra white shirts and shorts

    Image source: X

    White is the only acceptable colour in camp, and you only get two free shirts and shorts each. It’s best to go with extra pairs since you might not have time in between activities to do laundry.

    Waist pouch

    30 Essential Items That’ll Make NYSC Orientation Camping Easier

    This is where you’ll keep important things like your phone, money, wallet, meal tickets, etc. It’s a 24/7 necessity as you’ll be outdoors most of the time, and it’s not advisable to leave any valuables in your room.

    Sanitary pads/tampons

    Image source: Brand Afric

    Ladies, the mami market traders are out to get you with their outrageous prices, so you better come prepared.

    Umbrella

    30 Essential Items That’ll Make NYSC Orientation Camping Easier

    Image source: UBuy Nigeria

    See, the sun and NYSC have a mission to completely finish you. An umbrella is how you win this battle.

    Toilet paper 

    The toilet is always a complete mess, even when it’s not dirty.

    Toiletries 

    Make sure you come with your own bathing soap, sponge, body wash, shampoo, toothpaste, etc.

    Plain white tennis shoes

    30 Essential Items That’ll Make NYSC Orientation Camping Easier

    Image source: X

    This is your go-to footwear on the campground. Best to go with a rubber version that’s easier to maintain.

    Handkerchiefs or face towels

    To maintain your cool when the sun does a number on you.

    Rubber slippers

    For when your legs need to breathe.

    Needle and thread

    There’ll be many ripped trousers after the Man O’ War activity. Best to have this before the mami market tailor charges N2k for a small stitch.

    Sunscreen

    With all the outdoor activities, you want to make sure your skin is still skinning after three weeks.

    Bucket

    30 Essential Items That’ll Make NYSC Orientation Camping Easier

    Image source: Nuesroom

    Might sound unhinged, but you actually need your own bucket to fetch water in camp. You’ll get one from the traders at mami but at triple the price.

    [ad]

    Marker

    Image source: Konga

    It’ll be your best friend on camp. You’ll need it mark your territory on prized possessions like your NYSC kit, bucket and provisions.

    Flashlight 

    30 Essential Items That’ll Make NYSC Orientation Camping Easier

    Image source: Yaoota

    Depending on your location, 24/7 power supply might be a thing or not. Best to keep a rechargeable flashlight close. 

    Mosquito net and repellent 

    Image source: PremiumTimes

    The mosquitoes in camp don’t smile, so go prepared. You came to serve your fatherland, not carry malaria on top your head.

    Padlocks and keys

    Image source: Wikepedia

    Listen, petty thieves will be after your provisions, toiletries and other supplies. While this doesn’t guarantee 100% safety, it’s a start.

    Power bank

    Image source: Jumia

    Because how else will you capture the once-in-a-lifetime experience if you’re dealing with battery issues? Charging in Mami is an expense that’ll do a number on your already slim allowance.

    Provisions

    Image source: Nairaland

    Camp food may or may not wage a war against your taste buds. Best to have provisions you can fall back on, especially if you have no plans to make the mami traders ten times richer.

    First-aid kit

    Every NYSC camp has a health centre, but you might want to come with your little kit of basics like painkillers, plasters and methylated spirit. Or do you trust the government like that?

  • Ways You Can Use Your Allawee In Agbado Era

    Although ₦33k could do a lot more in 2022 than it can do now, the NYSC allowance still remains ₦33k. Considering different plans or situations, we advise these wise ways to spend your allawee in the year of balablu.

    Blow it on food

    Feed your stomach. Even if you perish, you won’t be the first. Or do you really need us to remind you that food is king?

    Spend on your boo

    You have no business singing songs like Ego Oyibo by Chike, Spending by Johnny Drille or Olamide’s Jinja if your babe doesn’t eat from your money. A lover that’ll blow salary on their babe, it’s from their allawee  will find out. This isn’t an option for the singles, but your crushes aren’t exempt.

    Keep some for detty December

    No matter how stifling the agbado plantation gets, there will always be a way and time for some end-of-the-year enjoyment. There’s life, why won’t you chop it?

    Do community project

    You don’t have to wait until God touches your heart before you decide to build a school or dig a borehole for the place hosting you. See it as a way of immortalising yourself.

    Get your travelling visa

    You’re already tired of Naija and you’re only doing NYSC so daddy and mummy can let you rest. Our advice? Save the money Nigeria’s giving you to get out of Nigeria.

    Save till service ends

    God that created children has provided what children will eat and drink. ₦396,000 (minus the ₦2k state government pays) isn’t small cash to sponsor your wishlist. Just keep your account fixed till the end of your service year. Travel, club, invest, dash, donate.. do whatever you like, my G.

  • The Time My NYSC Sure Plug Failed Me

    The National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), celebrated its 50th anniversary in 2023. The program was set up by the Nigerian government during the military regime in 1973, to involve Nigerian graduates in nation-building. The government dreamt of a Nigeria that was united and peaceful. 

    Martin Luther King
    Source: Zikoko memes

    While it may have been a bright idea in 1973, the security situation in Nigeria these days makes it difficult to defend its relevance. The major problem I have with the scheme is that it forces young people to travel long distances, mostly by road, to states across the country. In a country where kidnappers abound, it’s not a risk most are happy take. 

    NYSC
    Source: Zikoko memes

    When it was my turn to serve Nigeria in 2019, I knew I had to ensure I was posted to Lagos. Or at worst, somewhere in the southwest region. I couldn’t risk getting posted to any state that involved travelling through the roads that were notorious for kidnappers. I knew there was no way my parents were going to pay a huge ransom for me. I can imagine a kidnapper calling my dad to send 15 million naira if he ever wants to see his son alive again.

    His reply:

    NYSC
    Source: Zikoko memes

    I wanted to stay in Lagos and I’d do anything to make that happen. So I had to take matters into my own hands. I asked a few friends if they knew someone who could help “run this thing”. Someone introduced me to a guy named John Bosco*, and I begged this dude to help out.

    NYSC
    Source: Zikoko memes

    He gave me an address to meet up with him. It turned out to be a cyber cafe, which I assumed he owned. He seemed like a fairly normal guy in his late 20s who spoke with a slight stutter and wore a gold necklace with a giant cross pendant. He boasted that he’d been helping corpers with NYSC posting and relocation for several years and had never failed, then proceeded to charge me ₦50k for his service. I reluctantly parted with the money and kept my faith in a guy I’d only spoken to once.
    When I was eventually posted. I found out it was to Taraba state. Taraba? How? I cast my mind back to how Bosco had promised the posting was foolproof.

    NYSC
    Source: Zikoko memes

    I tried to reach out to him to, at least, get a refund. This man had blocked me everywhere. I counted my losses and decided to make the best out of my sorry situation. 

    NYSC
    Source: Zikoko memes

    After a journey that lasted almost two days, I arrived at the NYSC camp in Jalingo, Taraba’s capital and lined up to start my registration. As I glanced at people’s faces, one stood out. The dude looked familiar. He was tall, dark and John Bosco. The person who was supposed to be my sure plug for a Lagos posting was a corper who’d also been posted to Taraba.

    NYSC
    Source: Zikoko memes

    What could I do? The damage was done. What’s the moral of the story? Nigeria is a crazy place.

  • Navigating Nigeria: “I Wouldn’t Serve Nigeria,” NYSC at 50

    The National Youth Service Corps (NYSC), created in May 1973, is celebrating its  50th anniversary. To commemorate this, Citizen spoke to former and serving corps members. They shared their thoughts on whether the scheme should stay on or be scrapped.

    Opinions were mainly divided among three camps. The “let it stay” guys argued that the NYSC remained relevant in fostering unity and job creation for Nigerians. The “let’s get it scrapped” folks said they didn’t benefit from the scheme and that it doesn’t serve the purpose it was created for. A third group, the “chill first” guys, said the NYSC should be revamped and given a fresh look.

    In any case, Twitter gave us many smashing photos of young Nigerians who reminisced about their time in service. To feast your eyes, type “NYSC50” or “NYSCat50” in the search box. That said, I’d later stumble on an interesting tweet. I also had a conversation with a friend, both of which inspired today’s Navigating Nigeria topic. First, the tweet:

    I spoke with a friend last night, and it occurred to me that she didn’t join in the WhatsApp frenzy of folks sharing photos of themselves dressed in Khaki. That was interesting to me because, knowing her, she’d be the first to jump on trendy stuff. So I asked why, and she told me like she was pleading her innocence, that she didn’t do it. 

    “Why, what’s the story there”? I asked. “Nothing”, she said. My journalistic instinct wanted to keep pressing her on the matter. Given her staccato responses, however, my head told me I was beginning to irritate her and would enter her block list if I continued. But she did manage to add, “I’ve always said I wouldn’t serve Nigeria.”

    Now that we have some context let’s delve right in. What if I’m not interested in serving Nigeria? So what?

    What the law says about NYSC

    The National Youth Service Corps Act of 1993 specifies the Corps’ objectives and the service conditions for corps members under the Corps. Here’s what it says about the calling up of corps members:

    This passage says that every Nigerian citizen must serve in the NYSC for one year unless exempted. The requirements for mandatory service include graduating from a university in Nigeria, graduating from a university outside Nigeria, obtaining a Higher National Diploma or other professional qualification as prescribed, or obtaining a National Certificate of Education. The service must be completed within one year from the date specified in the call-up instrument. 

    So what are the conditions for being exempted?

    The section above says that starting August 1, 1985, certain people won’t be required to serve in the NYSC even if they meet the requirements stated in subsection (l) of the Act. These people include those over 30 years old, those who have served in the Nigerian Armed Forces or Nigeria Police Force for more than nine months, those who are staff members of certain security agencies, and those who have received national honours. 

    But I don’t want to serve; is it by force?

    There are different arguments to consider here. The most important is the argument for patriotism and why serving is a civic responsibility as specified by law. It’s like paying taxes. You don’t have to like it, but you’re expected to do it. Give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar.

    Another is that there are penalties for not taking part in NYSC. Just because they’re not strictly enforced doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

    Failure to report for service or refusal to make oneself available for service carries a fine of ₦‎2,000, imprisonment for 12 months, or both. Two thousand naira might be chicken change, but how does a one-year jail term sound? Think about it.

    Before you retort that it’s not that serious and no one will arrest you, consider that if we want our leaders to uphold laws, we too must be willing to abide by those same laws, or else we’re only paying lip service.

    Lastly, the law says that employers must demand either an NYSC certificate or a certificate of exemption from anyone who has obtained a first degree. 

    And as is common knowledge these days, aspiring to public office without an NYSC certificate—or worse, a forged one—can land you in soup. Someone like former finance minister Kemi Adeosun would tell you it’s a bad idea to do such a thing.

    With these few points of mine, I hope I’ve made a case for why you should participate in the NYSC scheme. All that’s left is to forward this article to my friend while I wait with bated breath.

  • 50 Years of NYSC in Nigeria: Should It Stay or Go?

    To commemorate its golden jubilee, Citizen reached out to Nigerians serving in or who have passed through the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) to hear their views on whether the national youth programme should remain or be scrapped. 

    On May 22, 1973, decree No. 24 established the NYSC. It was created after the Civil War of 1967–1970 as part of a post-war policy formulated to reconcile and integrate young Nigerians across all regions of the country. 

    On its website, the NYSC says its primary objective is “to inculcate in Nigerian youths the spirit of selfless service to the community and to emphasise the spirit of oneness and brotherhood of all Nigerians, irrespective of cultural or social background.”

    [NYSC members / BBC]

    Our WhatsApp community has been discussing whether the NYSC programme should be scrapped or stay, with members sharing their thoughts and experiences about its relevance.

    We’ve reached out to those in service of their country, Nigeria, and those who have passed through the system, so you don’t miss out on all they had to say:

    Cynthia, 25

    “I served at a firm in Lagos between 2021 and 2022. My Local Government Inspector (LGI) killed any hope I had left in Nigeria—not even the elections. She was the reason I had to indirectly offer a bribe for the first time in my life.

    I believe it should be scrapped. It doesn’t address its initial objectives anymore. It could be remodelled since companies look out for corp members just for cheap labour—I’m only speaking about Lagos here. But this is like Jobberman or other online recruitment platforms. NYSC even has their recruitment platform; they made us sign up, but I don’t remember anything about it now.”

    Nsikan, 23

    “I currently serve at an IT firm in Ibadan, Oyo state. I think the NYSC should remain because it has helped me see a side of Nigeria I haven’t seen before. Having interacted with Muslims and Christians alike, I realise we’re all alike. We love the same and are caring. The ethnic divide we have is idiotic, stupid and self-inflicted.

    During camp, I met a girl. We started talking and liked each other. She was from Kaduna.

    I asked why she liked me back and that I was a Christian while she was Muslim. I felt we were supposed to be sworn enemies, but she explained everything to me and cleared up some nonsense myths about her religion. She was so nice and made me see the beauty in religious unity. I would have carried misconceptions about Muslims all my life if I hadn’t met her.”

    Taiwo, 30

    “I served at a privately owned radio station in Kaduna state between May 2021 and April 2022. 

    I believe that the NYSC should not be scrapped, it is serving many purposes now, and if it were to be scrapped, the ripple effect would be felt across the board. 

    NYSC provides the platform to gain a unique work experience for graduates that many would ordinarily not have. My work experience scaled up while serving at my Place of Primary Assignment (PPA), strengthening my application for a job after service.

    At a time when Nigeria needs more cultural integration and unity than ever, scrapping the scheme will be going against one of the scheme’s core objectives. There might not be accurate data to back this up, but the NYSC Skills Acquisition & Entrepreneurship Department (SAED) program has helped launched several SME’s, leading to massive job creation. 

    Are there loopholes that need to be tied? Yes, because over the years, Nigeria has changed, and maybe it is time to revisit how the scheme is being run.

    What NYSC needs right now is a better organisation and redefining and modifying its goals. Prospective Corp Members (PCM) should be able to choose how long they want to serve. They should be posted to relevant industries where their core skills will be used and developed.”

    Ridwanullahi, 29

    “I camped in Ogun State in 2020 but relocated to Lagos, where I worked at a broadcasting firm. 

    I feel that the NYSC is still quite much important. Apart from the fact that one gets to travel within the nation, one can easily build connections through it. However, the bad side or negative side I see is the posting of corp members who are not qualified—especially asking them to teach when we didn’t all read education courses.

    I, for one, learned a lot during my service year as I was posted to my field, and it has helped me go back for my master’s degree program.


    Thanks to NYSC, I’m more or less like a master when discussing issues relating to the field with my classmates, most especially group work.”

    Korede, 28

    “I served as a geography teacher at Lady Ibiam Girls Secondary School, Independence Layout, Enugu, in 2015. 

    It shouldn’t be scrapped. Instead, what it needs is an overhaul. Yes, the pressing concern of insecurity is a leading cause for it being scrapped. But how exactly does scrapping the NYSC solve the insecurity issue?

    Elsewhere, as Nigerians, let’s move beyond blaming Lugard. The poor man is in his grave. Allow him to rest in peace. 

    To be fair, the scheme has exposed me to what Nigeria is. The good, the bad and the ugly altogether. Not leaving your immediate environment and believing stereotypes of other groups touches on the negatives of intergroup relations.

    To have served in Enugu has changed my perception of Nigeria, particularly from the civil war background. More importantly, we must view the NYSC as a humanitarian and community-building effort. That doesn’t negate pursuing individual dreams or aspirations while in service.”

    Lilian, 30

    “I served in Ogun state in 2018. I’m 50/50  on whether the NYSC should stay or go. NYSC did nothing for me. So if it’s scrapped, I won’t feel bad, at least for upcoming corp members.

    But then, many people saved up their allawee and used it to start a business, basically like a grant with no stipulations. So scrapping it will be bad for people who look forward to this.”

    Tolulope, 30

    “I was posted to Obubra in Cross River but redeployed back to Lagos for my social media job. This was between 2019 and 2020.

    NYSC should be modified to allow people to choose their geopolitical zones, eliminating the insecurity fears people are showing towards the scheme. It shouldn’t be scrapped in any way because the benefits far outweigh the negatives.”

    As Nigeria celebrates the golden jubilee of the NYSC, the debate on the programme’s relevance today in the country will continue, with some, especially those who consider it a key programme, continuing to advocate for its reform.

  • I Was a Presiding Officer in the Presidential Elections. This is my Experience

    Over 200,000 corps members were deployed as INEC ad-hoc staff during the 2023 general elections. They play a crucial role in the process, manning polling units, handling electoral materials and making sure every vote counts.
    This story is a first-person account of events from one of these corps members, who worked as a Presiding Officer in the February 25 presidential election in Osun state.


    I’m a big fan of accountability and good governance. I believe elections matter. I don’t have a Permanent Voter’s Card (PVC), but I figured it shouldn’t stop me from participating in the 2023 general elections. As a serving corps member, I could sign up as an INEC ad-hoc staff. This way, I could ensure votes cast mattered at my polling unit. So I registered, did the mandatory training, and like everyone else, I looked forward to the elections. 

    INEC promised ad-hoc staff three things — welfare, security and due process. They barely delivered on any. On the eve of the elections, I found my way to the Registration Area Centre (RAC) per instructions. All electoral officials would spend the night there, get the election materials the following morning and make for our polling units.

    The RAC was a secondary school. But I didn’t imagine all the rooms in the school would be mosquito-infested. The least INEC could’ve done was fumigate one or two rooms in the building they kept us in. And it didn’t help that the closest thing to sleeping materials the commission provided were a bunch of mats. They weren’t even enough for the corps members who signed up to work during the elections.

    We survived the night, but this was a sign of things to come. 

    On election day, I got my materials and set out to the polling unit. One of the first things I noticed was my polling unit was short of an electoral officer. During the training in the months leading up to the election, they told us each polling unit would be managed by a Presiding Officer (PO) and three Assistant Presiding Officers (APOs).

    However, we didn’t have an APO 3 – whose role is to control the queue of voters – in my polling unit. As I found out hours later, the same thing happened across other polling units in my ward. This was interesting because when I checked the ad-hoc staff directory, each polling unit had an APO 3 assigned to them. 

    Something had happened.

    It turned out the names I saw didn’t exist. The Supervising Presiding Officers (SPO) filled the APO 3 roles with ghost workers. Essentially, the government will pay for people who don’t exist and didn’t do any work.

    I wonder where the money will go.

    Back to my polling unit. 

    An APO 3’s job is to manage the conduct of voters and maintain orderliness in the polling unit. Without one, we were short-staffed. Thankfully, the party agents and young people in the unit helped us to control the queue. It could’ve been worse. 

    Remember that they promised us security, too. We got an elderly policeman who couldn’t do much, and we felt exposed the whole time.

    One of my friends at a different polling unit had a scarier experience. Some thugs came, fired a few shots in the air and asked her to think through returning for the forthcoming House of Assembly elections. 

    If anyone wished to attack us, they would’ve been successful. 

    At different times during the election, the party agents came in clusters to discuss with the voters. They asked the voters for their account numbers, promising to send them some money if they voted for a particular party or candidate. It looked a lot like vote buying. 

    INEC instructed us to look out for vote buying and stop it, but only if it happened close to the voting area. If it didn’t, they asked us not to interfere in the process, especially if it might put us at a security risk. 

    With this in mind, all we could do was stay on the sidelines and do our jobs — the only thing we could control. 

    In my friend’s polling unit, someone came and distributed prepaid ATM cards — they work the same way gift cards and vouchers do — to the voters. Each card was loaded with a sum and whoever got one only needed to activate the card at an ATM machine to access the money. 

    By the end of the voting process, I knew one thing — the cash scarcity didn’t stop vote buying. 

    But this wasn’t the last of the irregularities I witnessed. 

    I’ve seen a couple of complaints online about manipulated results and people blaming us corps members for it. From my experience, Presiding Officers are pawns in whatever chess game INEC staff are playing. It’s not far-fetched to say that some Presiding Officers were forced to countersign fabricated results. 

    In my polling unit, we accredited 288 people, but 287 people voted, which meant someone left without voting. I didn’t think this was a problem. The rule states that the number of votes cast cannot exceed the number of accredited voters. So we were good. 

    However, the INEC official I reported to at the collation centre didn’t think so. They asked me to stamp an unused ballot and record it as an invalid vote. Subsequently, they adjusted the numbers so that we could have equal numbers of accredited voters and actual voters. 

    While this didn’t mess with the actual results, it rubbed me the wrong way because I was forced to sign off on the change they made. 

    I’m glad the federal part is over. I signed up to participate in the next set of elections, but now, I’m wondering if it’s a good idea. I hope INEC is more prepared this time around.


  • NYSC Took Him on the Longest Journey of His Life

    This week’s subject of Navigating Nigeria is Mike, a serving corps member in Rivers State. He spoke to Citizen about his camping experience in Yobe State, and the twists and turns are straight out of a Nollywood film.

    Walk us through the moments leading up to NYSC

    I was supposed to graduate in 2019 but had school issues . Then 2020 came and COVID-19 struck which meant another year wasted. Eventually, I graduated from the University of Lagos in 2021. The Senate published the call-up list and that’s when I knew I’d be a part of Batch A2 for NYSC. 

    You know how the process for NYSC is na — printing letters, photocards, this document and that. Everything was quite stressful because I was already working at the time. Taking permission from work was a big issue and I really had no idea how to go about the registration process. 

    Mad

    I resigned from work two weeks before my resumption to NYSC camp. One of my brothers was staying around UNILAG so I stayed at his place. I went to the cafes around and thankfully those guys knew everything about what was needed for registration. After they were done they gave me a printout and asked me to wait a few days to know where I’d be posted. Oh my God, I was so nervous. 

    What was the problem?

    On one hand I’m an adventurous guy, yet on the other I was praying, “God, don’t let them carry me to Jigawa, or Borno or Benue”. Still I made up my mind that wherever I was posted I wouldn’t redeploy because that’s where God wanted me to be.

    I remember the day I got the posting. March 12, 2022. I wasn’t online. I was playing at home when my phone rang. “Guy, how far, you don see your call-up”? Omo, that’s when I turned on my data. First place I checked was the WhatsApp group chat. I saw people wailing. They were lamenting about being posted to places like Gombe, Jigawa and so on.

    I had issues with accessing the site. The tension was mad. To calm myself down, I just told myself I’d go do something else. I was supposed to pick up my statement of result and some other documents  from UNILAG, so I took a cab there. When I tried to visit the NYSC portal again, it asked me if I wanted to download my call-up letter. I clicked yes. As I opened it, what did I see? “You’ve been posted to Yobe State”. I shouted “Jesus”.

    Lmao

    I just kept shouting Jesus inside the cab. The driver was asking what was going on? I was asking him “How would they carry me to Yobe”, as if he could fix the issue. It was crazy. I know I said I wasn’t going to redeploy but when I saw the posting, there was just no way on earth I would do my youth service there.

    The first person I called was my mum and she too screamed. I have three older brothers who have served and I called them too. They told me I had to go to the camp, and could only redeploy after I’d completed the three-week camping.

    Yeah, you can’t skip that

    I was so sad. Anyway I started planning to travel. I went to the market to shop. I had grown so big, the items I bought didn’t even fit but I took them with me anyway. After much debate with my family, I eventually took a cross country bus that had nine other prospective corp members going to Yobe.

    At first everyone kept to themselves and some were pressing their phones. I brought three novels with me and my power bank in anticipation of boredom. It was about an hour into the journey that we loosened up and started making friends. It was the longest journey of my life. We were on the road from 7 a.m. till we got to Abuja around 11 p.m. where we had to stop for the night. 

    I wanted to stay at a hotel but it was a Friday night and the one I saw was fully booked. So I settled for the bus park. We resumed our journey the next morning. and arrived in Yobe around 10 p.m. We were searched and cleared and eventually settled in the camp.

    How was the experience at the NYSC camp?

    The first thing that surprised me about camp was people wearing their whites even late at night. Apparently there was strong enforcement of the rule against mufti. Then lights out was also a thing. They’d turn off the lights and it would be pitch black. 

    Camp was fun. I was assigned to a platoon. I ran from parade duty at first because Yobe was so hot. It was like the state was the headquarters of the sun. But seeing the soldiers parading was beautiful. After a while I took interest in it. It was a good way to shed some weight. 

    But there were three things I disliked about camp. One was the skills acquisition programme run by the Skills Acquisition and Entrepreneurship Department (SAED). The programme bored me to death. I still hate it, till now. 

    Another was being woken up by the annoying bugle at 4:30 a.m. I used to silently curse the soldiers, “Una no dey sleep”?

    I also didn’t like the food. Maybe I ate camp food only four or five times. I sorted myself at the mammy market. I made a wealthy friend who used to take me and a couple of other ladies on spending sprees at the market.

    Must be nice

    My platoon was mid and always finished in sixth or seventh positions at competitions. But we won the Macho competition and finished second at the march past. 

    That’s something. Were there other good times?

    Well, the weather during the morning parades was so cold. There was this babe who couldn’t stand it and would come and hold me tight to keep herself warm. Ah, camp was sweet. In those moments all my troubles would disappear. 

    The three weeks went by quickly and we had our passing out parade. Everyone was sad at this point because we’d bonded. We said our salutes to the state coordinator and then it was time to get to the real thing.

    Which was?

    During camp, we were told that anyone interested in relocating from Yobe State should fill a form. I didn’t have to pay anybody. When I heard this I told myself, “Forget the promise you made to God that you’ll stay here. Wetin you dey find for Yobe?” 

    I filled the form and thought that was done but I found out later from my platoon leader that my application wasn’t submitted for some weird reason. I was worried. The government really wanted me to stay in Yobe. I’d given up hope but another opportunity came up, thank God. 

    Apparently, a lot of other corp members had failed redeployment requests so they had to do another round of applications.  This time I ensured it was properly submitted and I noted I would stay anywhere but the North. I chose Rivers State for a funny reason. I’m a good chess player and I knew Rivers had the strongest chess players in the country after Lagos. 

    Check

    I wasn’t sure the request would be successful. My folks at home were already thinking I’d remain in Yobe and were suggesting I sit out service year and try again another year. But I’d lost enough time. My mates had served in 2020 already.

    On the final day at camp, I got my letter. I had been posted to a polytechnic in Potiskum. 

    Wow

    There were lots of tears that day. Some corps members had paid money but got postings to remote villages. Among those of us that didn’t have success with our earlier relocation applications, I was congratulated because Potiskum is the largest city in Yobe.

    Almost everyone had left the camp, and there were just five or so left. I decided to stay back a bit and relax before heading to my place of primary assignment (PPA) to secure accommodation and other documents. I left to take my bath and before I got back, my school bag had disappeared.

    Ah

    I was just away for like six or so minutes and that was all the time needed for this bag to find legs. I went around looking for it. It had a distinct red and yellow colour and had all my documents in it. Omo, where didn’t I search? 

    It was getting lonely so I just went with the rest of my stuff to my PPA. When I got there, they had closed for the day. This was just around 1 p.m. or so, and that’s when I learnt it was a Muslim state and they don’t work long hours there. I went to a nearby market to try and replace a few of the items stolen from my bag, like toiletries and my charger. It shocked me to discover how very cheap things were. Afterwards, I had to stay the night at the corpers’ lodge. 

    I was going to resume the PPA for documentation the next morning when one spirit told me to check the NYSC portal again. That was when I clicked the relocation option and downloaded a document. That was when I shouted “Jesus” again, but this time it was good news. My redeployment was successful, I had been moved to Rivers State. 

    Checkmate!

    I was so happy, but also a bit sad because I’d already made friends at the corpers’ lodge. They had this Calabar market they took me to where we had fun. Potiskum wasn’t a bad place after all. I was introduced to some of the beautiful ladies there — I still remember Jumai who was so, so lovely. 

    I was having second thoughts about staying back but when I called my mum and told her the relocation process worked, she talked sense into me like an African mum would and told me to get set to leave. From Yobe, I said my goodbyes reluctantly and took a bus to Kano where I arrived around 9 p.m. 

    I didn’t want to risk traveling at night so I had to lodge in Kano. I noticed that when I got there almost all the shops and kiosks had shut down. A Lagos boy like me found that very strange because that’s the time nightlife ordinarily begins. It was tough for me because most people didn’t understand the English I was speaking. I was also low on cash at this point. 

    I had to find a nearby NYSC secretariat to spend the night. My phone’s battery was dead, and I couldn’t communicate my whereabouts to my parents.  The next day, I bought a power bank at the park to charge my phone. We left late, at around 1 p.m. and arrived at Port-Harcourt at 10 the next morning. That was how my camping experience was. I’d say those three weeks were a bit of a rollercoaster.

  • 7 Things All NYSC LGIs Need to Understand

    The three most certain things in this life: death, taxes and NYSC Local Government Inspectors (LGIs) making your life a living hell. Nigerian civil servants are the masters at stressing people’s lives for no good reason. 

    Here are a few things NYSC LGIs really need to understand

    No one: NYSC LGIs

    1. Corpers aren’t the cause of your life problems

    Whatever is going on in your life isn’t the cause of that poor corps member. Put your issues aside and handle your job professionally and with kindness, like a human being. There’s no reward for being wicked. 

    2. If you do your job, you won’t die

    What will kill you is the accumulation of all the curses from the corpers you’ve stressed. Doing your job well and effectively will surely not kill you. 

    3. Any parent that gives their child a headache will also have a headache

    If you like, make it your life’s mission to give corpers a headache, you too, you’ll surely receive a headache. What goes around comes around and your own headache will be double. Better calm down if you want to live a long life. 

    4. Life doesn’t begin and end at that job

    If you think you’re the almighty God because of that yeye job, we need to let you know that life doesn’t begin and end at that job. The wickedness you’re doing to corpers will surely meet you in front. 

    5. NYSC is only year-long; corp members are still going to jam you in front

    Do you really think corpers have short term memory and won’t remember to deck you when they’re done with their service year? Don’t be shocked if you’re walking on the road one day and a random person slaps you. It’s not a slap; it’s your reward. Smh.

    6. One bad deed deserves another

    Any bad thing you do as an NYSC LGI is going to meet you in front. The superstitious Nigerian in me really needs to let you know that one day, you will be at the mercy of a corp member you treated badly. 

    7. You aren’t special because you’re doing a job you hate

    Hating your job doesn’t make you special; it makes us mates. Corpers hate their jobs too, but they don’t go around making other people’s lives miserable.

  • “My Life Ended When I started NYSC” — A Week In The Life Of A Tired Youth Corps Member

    A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a youth corps member currently without a place of primary assignment. She talks about the bleakness of her days, being frustrated by the NYSC scheme and the ways she sparks joy in her life.

    NYSC

    MONDAY:

    I feel like my life ended when I started NYSC. First of all, I didn’t get mobilised with my mates because my university was playing with my certificate.  I had to wait for the second stream. 

    When my posting came out, I ended up being posted to the north. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my redeployment to Lagos failed. After camp, I spent two months in a totally different state with no housing or family members. When I finally redeployed to Lagos, no PPA. And thus began the next two months of my life hanging in limbo doing nothing, waiting in uncertainty and listening to NYSC officials say the infamous, “just keep checking your NYSC dashboard for your new posting.” 

    The first thing I do when I wake up this morning is to open my NYSC dashboard to check my PPA portal. I’m met with the familiar disappointment of a blank page, so I log out. 

    It has been five months from mobilisation to redeployment, and I’ve not done anything significant. But that’s not the most annoying part. The worst part is that other people wake up with a clear idea of how their day will go and then there’s me who just, well… wakes up.  A large part of my day involves figuring out how to occupy myself until everyone returns from work at 4:00 p.m.

    Sometimes, I sleep or read a book, or just stare out into space. Nobody tells you how slow time moves when you have nothing planned for the day. 

    Another thing that frustrates me about the uncertainty of my situation is that I can’t get a side job. Every company I’ve interviewed with wants some measure of commitment, but I’m scared of taking a job, getting a PPA the next day and having to deal with clashing schedules. So I find myself declining jobs and waiting for NYSC to sort me.

    Today is gearing up to be a long-ass day. I can’t believe it’s just 10 a.m. My initial plan was to scroll mindlessly through social media, but everyone online looks like they have their life together — and that’s just going to make me feel bad. 

    I can’t do NYSC, can’t do a side job, can’t scroll through Instagram. All I can do is wait for 4 p.m.

    TUESDAY:

    I find it ironic that I had more fun outside Lagos than I’m having in Lagos. Although NYSC chopped my eye for redeployment on the last day; I still had a swell time in the north. The camp was fun and I got to meet interesting people.

    Now, my life is far from fun. My days are monotonous, and they repeat themselves. The only reason I remember that today is Tuesday is that I’m receiving a delivery for my sister whom I live with. Another aspect of not having a job is that I’m the designated “always-at-home-to-receive-a-package-person.” Sometimes, I feel like I’m part of the house and will soon merge with the furniture or the house itself.

    By mid-afternoon today, tired of sleeping, I call my contact at the NYSC office for an update and he goes, “Why are you complaining? Are you not just sleeping and waking up?”

    I’m speechless. 

    In terms of how great my life could have gone, things haven’t gone according to my plan. I’m not only humble, but I believe that I’m now a cautionary tale. People are now like “If NYSC posts you outside Lagos, don’t redeploy. *Yinka redeployed and now look at her life.”

    At this point, I don’t mind working for free; as long as I can just start working. 

    Wait, I mind working for free. Lagos is too expensive for that behaviour pls. 

    WEDNESDAY:

    En route to the Secretariat for monthly clearance today, one policeman shouted “corper wee” at me. I felt like coming down from my bike to punch his silly mouth because who is smiling with him. 

    This NYSC period has been full of only stress and frustration for my life. If not that allawee is tied to monthly clearance and monthly clearance is tied to wearing the NYSC uniform, where will people see me to be shouting “corper wee”.

    In all honesty, even the ₦33,000 allawee is not enough to survive on. Before NYSC, I used to comfortably buy Chicken Republic Refuel Max, but now, my motto is that there is rice at home. I can’t believe part of the reason I left the north was because they didn’t have Refuel Max, and now, I can’t afford to buy it in Lagos. 

    Today, I find myself very grateful for my benefactor aka my older sister. If not for her financial support, I’d probably have died of starvation. As a way of extending my stay in the house, I make up for my lack of earnings by doing domestic work.  

    I clean, cook and do everything in between. 

    If my sister asks me to run an errand, I do it with no questions asked. How can I protest when a carton of Indomie is now ₦3800? 

    Once I remove money for data, transport money from running around to sort NYSC runs, there’s almost nothing left to spend from the allawee. 

    My mentality now is that if any activity is going to remove from my ₦33,000, I’m not doing it. I’m going to politely decline, stay home, eat rice and do the dishes after. 

    THURSDAY:

    I wake up with this bout of sadness and an impending sense of gloom. I don’t want to talk to anyone around me; at least, not for a few hours. 

    I feel like the last five months has made NYSC a core part of my identity, and I’ve given it more power than I’d like. It has become an integral part of my conversations with people. 

    Friend 1: “How far your PPA?”

    Friend 2: “Can’t you do the NYSC without PPA?”

    Family and friends: “Why is this happening to you?”

    Me: “I don’t know…”

    I miss the old me. The fun me. I remember enjoying things like musical concerts, book shopping and watching plays. I’ve allowed life and NYSC take those away from me. But I can’t continue like this. 

    Today’s operation is to spark joy in my life. I’ll kick off the day by watching season 2 of the series, Ted Lasso. Then, I’ll listen to the Hamilton soundtrack and scream along when they say “how do we emerge victorious from the quagmire”. After that, the soundtrack is over. 

    By then, the day would be perfect for taking both Zikoko quizzes of the day. Finally, I’ll end the day by listening to Zikoko’s Love Life and that one will spark endorphins that’ll carry me for at least 30 seconds. 

    Less worrying and more enjoying. 

    FRIDAY: 

    If there’s any lesson from this period, I’m struggling to see it. But today is not the time for plenty of questions. I’m packing a bag to one of my friends’ houses where I can binge TV and let someone else worry about feeding me. 

    I could do with the company and distraction.

    When my NYSC service is over, I’ll throw a party. Then I’ll tear my uniform. After, I’ll frame and hang my NYSC certificate because I’ve suffered for it. 

    I lied when I said I didn’t have any lesson from this experience. I do, and it’s that life doesn’t always go as planned. If you had given me a thousand guesses, I don’t think I’d have guessed that five months into NYSC I’d still be struggling to be posted.  In my head, I thought that I’d be saving money from PPA [the subject has paying PPA options] alongside my allawee for jaapa. Then I’d also use the opportunity to build up hours for my minimum work experience. 

    All my planning is in the mud. 

    My prayer now is that when I wake up on Monday morning my PPA has changed.  God pls. 


    Editor’s note: The subject in no way seeks to tarnish the image of the NYSC scheme. She simply wishes to share her experience of/with the scheme. 

    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

  • 5 Nigerians Talk About Finding Friendship and Love During NYSC

    If you have served in Nigeria and spent some time in NYSC camp, you’ll understand how unpleasant the experience can be. However, for these few, they lucked out and found both love and friendship during NYSC. Here are stories of a few Nigerians who found love and friendship in a seemingly hopeless place:

    Hannah, Iseyin camp in Oyo state.

    I met him on our first night in camp, we were on the longest queue waiting to register. He asked me to keep his space while he made some business calls, I waited for almost three hours before I eventually left, I told him I was going to get food and I wished him good luck.

    We met the next morning and I asked him if he was able to finish his registration. By evening he asked me to come and sit with him to talk and have a drink and we were there for hours till it was lights out, it was like talking to a friend I had known for a lifetime.

    We eventually became inseparable in camp, we did everything together, the only time we were not together was when we were asleep. I’ll sit in his platoon even though I was in a different platoon and I used to call him my NYSC bestie still. I stayed in camp for him even when I had like three different Illnesses, refused to redeploy too, he did the same too. We’ve been together for three years and I’m not going anywhere any time soon. 

    nysc love

    Amaka, Cross Rivers Camp.

    We met a few weeks after camp, I went to see my friend who was staying with a friend of hers. He was her housemate and we got introduced. I ended up spending the weekend there and we spoke for a while and got to know each other.

    He tried to kiss me and I laughed and told him I wasn’t ready for that. He also laughed and apologised and we ended up having sex. I didn’t go back to mine that week because we literally became inseparable. We talked about everything and enjoyed each others company so much.

    He was on the phone with his friends one day and mentioned that he was with his girlfriend and I was like “ehn?!”. After the call, I asked him why he told them I was his girlfriend and he went “come o, what have we been doing since?” and that was it. I had never felt anything like what I felt for him and we dated for 3 years before the relationship ended in 2019.

    Kike, Jalingo Camp.

    We met on the parade ground. We were in the same Platoon, I had seen him around and he was just this annoying person trying to form group captain (which he wasn’t). One day, he was trying to fix his passport to a form he was supposed to fill and I overheard someone offering him chewing gum to fix said passport. I had a glue stick in my fanny pack so I brought it out and gave it to him. He returned it with the cheesiest line “do you carry that around for sticky situations like this?”.He insisted that we have lunch at Mami market to say “thank you” but I said no. We got paired up to select a representative for the beauty pageant. Our Platoon won the competition. 

    We started talking a lot after that and we became inseparable and at this point, I wasn’t interested in a relationship because I had never been in one before and I wasn’t ready for the heartbreak. I was actually going along with the mindset of “whatever happens in camp, stays in camp”. We both redeployed and we didn’t expect to get the same State because I wanted Oyo and he wanted to remain in Abuja. Somehow, we both got Ondo and I was so distraught because I knew I had no excuse.

    We officially started dating in February, almost 2 months after camp and we had our first official date in Abuja after we had left. I had travelled for my call to Bar and he was living there at the time. It was really cute and I remember walking around Abuja and window shopping furniture.

    We have been together for 5 years now and we got married in October 2019. 

    Wilson, Benue Camp.

    Her name’s Osemen. She was probably the second or third person I spoke to properly. I went to Benue not intending to meet anyone new because meeting new people and falling out of touch is really exhausting. Didn’t want to have to go through that. Somehow, and on some random ass day on the parade ground, some girl in my platoon started talking to me, and she introduced me to Osemen later that day- they were friends. 

    My first interaction with her was very funny. I said hey, and introduced myself, then stretched my hand to take hers. She was singing a song, and so she just left my hand hanging until she was done with the song.

     The first evening we spent together, we started talking about music and we found out we both really liked Lana Del Rey, her album had just dropped. So we started talking about other artists and we liked the exact same people. I gave her my phone for a bit and when I got it back, I noticed she had added the Lana del Rey album for me. For some reason, I thought that was sweet.

    If there’s one thing that started all of this- there was this evening we drank so much palm wine, and I had some beer before and after the palm wine and  I got really drunk. Benue camp is really hilly for whatever reason, and I was drunk and not exactly walking in a straight line. 

    She held on to me while we were headed down for the social evening after dinner and all the drinking. I threw up that night and she was there for me as well. That was great. I had my other babes there as well but I seemed to connect with Osemen the most.

    We spent so much time together after that- practically every day. We watched movies, ignored all the lectures together, everything. She’s been helping me with my relocation since we left camp, it’s something that has been stressing my entire life but she’s really pulling strings for me, and following through.

    nysc

    Nonso, Shagamu Camp.

    I was at the gate waiting to fill a form, I didn’t have a pen with me and was looking around to find how to get one. Someone eventually offered me a pen and while I was using it, the pen got snatched from behind me, a bit of an unusual situation, but that was how we met. It turned out, the pen was hers and she really had to use it. 

    I met her again on a line, I did small shakara for her when she tried to shunt the queue. She recognized me and told me she apologized earlier although she apologized again, said she had been very frustrated from the whole registration process and was very cranky. I kept meeting her at different times.

    She introduced herself to me and realized we had a mutual friend. I thought she was dating him, I eventually asked him if they were a couple and he said no that they were friends from university.

    We got really close after that, we spent a lot of time together during our lectures, shared meals together and meeting her made the entire experience worth it for me. It has been a few years now, and although we are not together anymore, we have since remained best friends. She is getting married in a few weeks.

  • Everything You Should Know About NYSC Batch C, Stream 1 POP

    The Passing Out Parade (POP) for NYSC Batch C, Stream 1 corps members has been set for the 15th of October, 2020.

    The Batch went to camp in November 2019.

    At present, corps members who redeployed to Oyo state are being issued their ID cards, and the OYOKOPA magazine for their stream is currently in the works.

    Oyo State Gladiators!: 2015 BATCH B OYOKOPA MAGAZINE
    A sample of the OyoKopa magazine.

    Nothing concrete has been said yet concerning resumption for schools. Any update will be posted subsequently.


    Other NYSC posts you’ll enjoy: 16 Ways To Make Money During Your NYSC Year

    7 Types Of People You’ll Meet At NYSC CDS


    Hello there! Thank you so much for always reading. Are there topics you’d like us to write about? Do you have any NYSC-related questions you want us to answer? Send us an email kunle@bigcabal.com We look forward to hearing from you. Xx

  • 8 Things You Can Do To Get Posted To A Good PPA After NYSC Camp

    NYSC PPA Posting

    It’s every youth corps member’s nightmare.

    You get your posting letter after three weeks of camp activities and your heart sinks into your stomach (which then proceeds to drop into your ass) because you’ve been posted to a village so remote it could pass for Jaguar Paw’s village in the movie, ‘Apocalypto’.

    If you never want to experience the terrible feeling just described, keep reading.

    1) Suck up to your platoon leader:

    5 sure ways to get a good job placement during your NYSC [ARTICLE ...

    It’s like the saying goes: Serve at the king’s side so when the beheadings begin, you’ll be last in line.

    This is a real saying. Don’t @ me.

    2) Be a platoon leader:

    Dèjì Aládéjánà | #StayAtHome | #StaySafe on Twitter: "I think it's ...

    And order the beheadings your damn self.

    3) Join the parade:

    Sure, you’ll spend an insane number of hours stomping the yard like Columbus Short. But it’ll be worth it when you’re lounging at your PPA with electricity and running water.

    4) Join the Orientation Broadcasting Service (OBS):

    NYSC OBS Crew Abuja (@NYSC_Abj_OBS) | Twitter

    Join the broadcasting service and get to do cool stuff like practising your white people accent for when you eventually japa, escaping stressful camp activities, and picking the soundtrack for the daily chaos that occurs when soldiers chase people for morning prayers.

    5) Join the camp’s medical team:

    Updated NYSC Doctor's Salary for different States plus Allawee ...

    This only works if your studied medicine, anatomy, physiology, etc. So don’t think they’ll let you join if you studied accounting but learned CPR from a movie.

    6) Join the band:

    NYSC-FCT ABUJA MARSHAL BAND PERFORMING GAME OF THRONES THEME SONG ...

    So you can walk around camp serving “Drumline” line.

    7) Join the kitchen volunteers:

    CRS NYSC Camp: Boosting Corps Welfare Through Quality Food ...

    And serve your fellow corps members the colourless and odourless gruel.

    8) Win Mr. Macho or Madam Macho:

    All the Scoop & Photos from the Fayrouz Lagos NYSC Camp Variety ...

    If you win this, just start preparing to move into your lavish PPA with the DVD & stereo set they give all the winners.

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

    NYSC PPA Posting

  • How Did You Survive NYSC Camp? 11 Corpers Share Their Stories
    Survive NYSC Camp

    NYSC camp is the ghetto. But you know what’s even more ghetto? Having to survive NYSC camp. We asked 11 corpers how they managed to survive NYSC camp and here’s what they said:

    Hannah – NYSC Camp, Nsai Atai, Akwa Ibom

    I weaseled my way into becoming the social director of my platoon and they gave me ID card to get past the soldiers and others. The rest is history, my dear. Every other thing I did—from missing morning parade and SAED lectures—was for the glory of the platoon.

    Anu – NYSC Camp, Iseyin, Oyo State

    How I survived NYSC camp? Lmao to God be the glory, my legs were swollen so I couldn’t wear boots or sneakers. For most of my days in camp I wore bathroom slippers. The clinic gave me a pass so it was was easy to escape parade and drills. I never ate camp food, na me be Queen of Mammy Market. I also didn’t join anything abeg, I no get time. In all, camp was interesting, but the weather was too hot. I turned black in just a few days. I had to sleep with a small fan by my side. That fan was a life-saver.

    Survive NYSC Camp
    See how dark I was?

    Onyx – NYSC Camp, Imo State

    Imo camp was different and fun and everything else you can think of. My survival technique was that I stopped thinking and feeling. Food became my coping mechanism. Even when I was suffering on parade ground due to those “papa flies,” the oily water and early morning drills, I thought about food. If I wasn’t sleeping, I was eating or I was doing the eating in my dreams.

    Survive NYSC Camp imp state

    Lytan – NYSC Camp, Borno state (Camped in NSCDC Babbar Ruga, Katsina)

    Bathing more than six times and drinking close to three big bottles of Eva water daily was how I survived. The sun was terrible. To escape parade, I did a lot of things. I hid under the bunk, hid in Mammy Market, ran off to join those on sanitation duty even if it was not my platoon. I faked sickness several times too so I could avoid the useless social night activities, the morning drills and SAED.

    Iyanu – NYSC Camp, Ogun state.

    You want to survive NYSC Camp? Join the OBS crew. That’s the best advice. As part of the crew we had an ID card which served as immunity against soldier and parades. During programs like swearing in, I was seated under the pavilion all in the name of OBS, while my fellow corps members were sweating in the sun.

    Princely -NYSC Camp, Nonwa-gbam-Tai, Port Harcourt, Rivers State

    I survived by not staying. I have a medical condition —a series of conditions actually— that would not allow me participate in full camping activities. My plan was to join OBS, render my professional services, and in return avoid the physical activities. That didn’t work out. I was told to leave camp the next day; a soldier insisted I was going to march —shortly after leaving the forced (happened like a kidnap) jogging by Man-O-War— and I had told him if I marched, I would leave the camp, but it wouldn’t be with my own feet.

    I was sent to the clinic where my exeat was processed. I wanted to have the experience anyway, but life happens.

    Uzo – NYSC Camp, Iseyin Oyo state

    I have lived in boarding houses from around age 9, so camp didn’t feel any different. I was just a low budget kinda guy. Did everything on a low-key. No girls, only made and hung out with a few fun friends who didn’t cost me so much money. I made do with about 9k till we got the bicycle allowance and first allawee. I ate at Mammy market once in a day. To get high, I discovered black bullet. One can does more than 3 bottles of beer and costs just the same as 1 bottle. Flex.

    Samuel – NYSC Camp, Dakingari, Kebbi state.

    I had to deliberately enjoy every camp activity. The weather was mean, yes, but I enjoyed the drills. I was the director of socials, the drama director, and I was quite popular. Three-in-one fun. I almost lost my phone after the welcome party. The funniest thing was, they already blew the bugle for lights out! Omo, I no gree o! I ran outside. Thank God I saw my platoon instructor who guarded me till I found my phone in Mammy Market! Make I no lie, camp sweet me die. Maybe we should do another 3 weeks before POP?

    Adisa – NYSC Camp, Babbar Ruga, Katsina.

    My survival technique was hiding under my friend’s duvet in the corner where his bag was located. I’d surround myself with his luggage and ask someone to lock the door at the front for me. Sure way to escape without being caught.

    Survive NYSC Camp

    Tobi – NYSC Camp, Rivers State.

    To avoid morning parade, I’d pretend to shit for long, because our block’s toilets were quite neat. But then I wasn’t always successful as platoon rep. Them go find you come shaa ni. But camp was literally the best part of service for me. I could have gone on for 2 months.

    Tiana – NYSC Camp, Cross River, Obura camp.

    I’m a very careful person, so I was less adventurous in camp. The only time I escaped from parade, it was because my friend gave me liver. Obura camp was bad, abeg. Mud slides, hard water (very oily surface), and there was no light, so the camp ran on generator. I ate camp food only three times. The rest of my stay in camp, I spent money on catfish pepper soup and Smirnoff ice. I also liked eating egusi and pounded yam. It’s heavy spending, but at least there was enjoyment.

    This is what the water looks like when you leave it overnight.

    The mosquitoes were terrible. I fell sick a week before camp ended so I took four injections on my butt. The camp also had notorious flies. They bit my friend and he got sick and ended up with scars on his body.

    Platoon activities were the most fun I had. I danced for my platoon about 3 times. And then there was this suya that I always bought during social night. I played volleyball too!

    But see ehn, if you know you’re like me and you hate suffering, please don’t be ashamed to outsource. I paid those “any work” people to do my laundry and fetch water. No shame there. SAED lectures were torture for me. I spent most of my time either sleeping, listening to music, eating or chatting with friends. Because, let’s be honest, how can a sane person sit through two hours of boring lectures?

    How did you survive NYSC camp? Tell us!

  • So, You’ve Finished NYSC…Now What?

    I had just finished Nysc, and I was at the Iyana-Ipaja camp to pick up my certificate and celebrate my freedom from bondage. I remember getting a call from one of my closest friends – he was still doing Nysc, and he had called to ask how I was feeling. I told him I was relieved to finally be free but I was also lost about the future. I was afraid of the dreaded “So, what next?” question.

    The period after Nysc is one of the weirdest ever. You are grown and done with school but you are not grown grown because there’s money worry, starting a career and figuring shit out in general. It’s a ball of anxiety.

    PS: Nobody has shit figured out. You just get better at managing expectations from this life thing.

    This post is for anyone who seems confused about the next step after today. Here’s a list of things you should know:

    1) No one has shit figured out.

    Just know that you are not alone in the pressure to get it right at first try. Land a great job, get decent money, progress with life. But there is a way the world is and the way we want it to be. Listening to stories from older people is a good way to understand that we never stop trying to figure this life thing out. This is also a good time to get a mentor, especially an older person, so you can see firsthand that we are all just trying our best.

    Nysc what next, Buhari

    2) Make plans but also be flexible.

    “As you go through life you’ll see there is so much that we don’t understand. And the only thing we know is things don’t always go the way we planned.” – Disney lyrics.

    Listen to the wisdom from a cartoon for kids. You should apply for the best of anything you want. School, job, anything. But also entertain the fact that it may not come on the first try. The goal is to adapt, restrategize and keep trying.

    stretching Nysc what next

    3) Find a support system.

    At the end of the day, when the party scatters, you need people around you that encourage you financially, emotionally and all-round. This is a tough time and you need all the support and opportunities you can get. Also, you need a place to be vulnerable on the days your chest feels tight.

    4) Trust the process.

    This sounds cliche and overused but things have a way of coming together in ways you don’t expect. Career plans get thrown in the wind and previously undiscovered paths open up. Think of life as a marathon, you may have a bad start but it doesn’t mean you can’t still finish the race.

    handholding Nysc what next

    If you are currently job hunting and your CV needs a makeover, take a look at this.

  • From ₦109k/day to ₦109k/month? This Is His #NairaLife Story

    Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    Our subject this week is a 22-year old engineer. If you called him a genius, you won’t be lying. But sometimes, even that might not be enough. This is his #NairaLife.

    How’s Lagos treating you?

    Except for my rough transition from ₦109k per day to ₦109k per month, I’m mostly good. 

    Slow down, you say what?

    Bro. Right after my Masters in Engineering – 1st class by the way – I got an internship in the San Francisco Bay area.

    Silicon Valley. 

    Yep. When the recruiter told me, I thought I heard $30 per hour, I already called my mum to tell her “Mama I made it!” Then I did the math and well, it was actually $38 hahaha. At the time, I was dead broke actually. Had to borrow money to fix up my residence for the internship as per pay rent, buy a new laptop. Borrowed $2k. Paid back after two weeks.

    Mad oh! But, how does one end up at an internship that pays $38 per hour?

    Engineers are actually valued in America. Probably helped that I was in line for my 2nd first-class degree. Still, the biggest factor though is that the cost of living in the Silicon Valley area is insanely high. I knew undergrads in Facebook, Google and the likes making up to $50 an hour. To be fair though, I interned in the engineering team of one of the biggest companies in the world. That’s far from minimum wage jobs. 

    What type of engineering makes a person end up interning where you did?

    Any type you can think of, to be honest – mechanical, computer, chemical – you name it. I’m an electrical engineer.

    Insane. So, one BSc and one Masters degree?

    Yup. 

    What type of financial stamina do you need to grab two degrees in the US where education is super expensive?

    I got my first degree in Turkey actually. I had a scholarship all through my time there. Full ride scholarship in Nigeria for secondary school too. 

    I sabi book.

    Henceforth, this is the flex that I will stan.

    My father had to pay for my masters up to a point. There was the final $10k that I paid myself. Internship money. 

    How much did the entire program cost?

    That guy tried for me oo, I just dey gauge am. 

    Over-try. So back to the internship. How long were you there for?

    About seven months. I was working at least 40 hours a week. If you break that down to hours per day, how much does that give you?

    $38 per hour multiplied by 8 hours a day. That’s 109,440 in naira. Per day.

    Then when you work overtime you get paid 1.5x so $56 an hour for every hour after 40 hours. I was around $5.5k after tax. 

    I’m assuming they were chasing you home because overtime money is sweet.

    Hahaha, when I was there, my company was trying to cut costs, so they limited overtime. My managers made me comply so I did an average maybe 44 hours a week. 

    I had a friend who did 80-hour weeks regularly though. Get this, from your 40th – 60th hour, you get 1.5x. After the 60th hour, you get paid 2x your base. After that internship, that guy fit buy house for Lekki.

    This is the part where I ask what happened when the internship ended?

    Bruh, a series of unfortunate events. The U.S. gives you three months after you graduate to find a job to secure a 3-year temporary stay, but I couldn’t find one.

    Na where my screw up start.

    Ugh.

    Trump. It’s expensive filing papers for international workers by companies – Trump. Also, not having a strong network all played a part in not securing a job. There’s the part where I was picky about the kind of industry I wanted to work in. 

    But the biggest factor was time – three months is not a lot of time. 

    Anyway after about 150 applications, 20+ interviews I had to leave and come back home. 

    150 applications in 3 months?

    Job application sef was a full-time job that time o. 

    Tell me about the day you knew you were coming home.

    The final week in that three months window, I was in a state of despair. I’d done many things right you know: two first-class degrees, experience in one of the most important companies in the world but still. 

    The days of that week kept passing, no congratulatory emails. So I just gave up, took my card like three days before the three months elapsed and registered for NYSC.  

    When was this?

    February 2019. I was in camp less than five days after I landed haha. 

    Mad oh. From one of the most advanced companies in the world to a Bootcamp. Inside life. 

    The theme song to my life that time was; “This is Super Story, a life of strife and sorrows”. 

    E be tings kraaa. 

    Chale!

    When I came back and started preparing for camp, I fell sick, maybe the sickest I’ve ever been, yet the tests showed nothing.

    It be your own village people. 

    I went to the camp and got an exeat the same day. Maybe my village people are welcoming. Or maybe moving from winter to classic dry season Nigerian weather. 

    Still, I was too Ajebo for camp abeg, and I’m not even ashamed to say it. 

    After camp?

    I had a bunch of options, but I chose a particular energy investment company, and now I work there as their technical advisor.

    So, I’m assuming these are the  ₦109k/month people.

    Yes. Which, in corper terms, could be a lot worse. 

    I’ve done a bit of everything since I’ve joined. I worked on getting my office completely solar in my first 3 months, designed systems and awarded the contracts. Fundamentally, I’ve made sure every opportunity my company pursued since I joined is technically sound. Basically, that’s technical due diligence in the investment process. I give them monthly lectures on the engineering aspects of the industry.

    I have also – as it is tradition – ordered a lot of lunch. 

    Hahaha. Whose money?

    My CEOs – I basically order food for the entire company. I’ve ordered at least ₦200k worth of lunch since I joined. 

    It’s a pretty good place though, and getting retained there would be ideal. 

    Qui – 

    I dunno why Nigerians treat interns anyhow compared to where I’m coming from. There, you are treated as an equal, makes sense because you are paid close to what the entry-level engineer makes.

    Talking about internships. Tell me about the stark differences between a Nigerian Intern and an SF intern?

    1. You don’t have to buy food as an SF intern.
    2. More money.
    3. In the Bay Area, people treat you like your equals.
    4. Disposable income.

    I know I have it good, I’m basically working at a place with good company culture. Still, Nigerians have this way of treating people who are beneath them anyhow and that translates in my office. The lack of workload and responsibility would have been a thing, but I have a lot of workload in my current place. 

    I would say this though, Silicon Valley was nice, good people, fast-paced, outdoors, hikes, a large variety of food. Good party scene too. 

    Now you know what city doesn’t have nice people, has no outdoors to speak of, and food is mostly 1 of 4 dishes?

    I want to fight about the food, but that’s not why I’m here.

    I mean, Lagos has a club scene, but you no fit club on ₦109k per month.

    What does a drop from ₦109k per day to ₦109k per month do to a person’s mind?

    I was prepared for it though so it wasn’t sudden. I know what other corpers earn. I’ve always been responsible when it comes to finances too, so now I budget hard and I stick to it. If I were making 3 million a month today I know exactly how I would spend it on because I have already lived that life. 

    But yes, once you’ve earned what I earned, you spend all your time constantly thinking of how long it would take you to earn that level again. 

    What are your expenses like these days?

    NYSC finishes soon. What’s it looking like as per retention? How much is it looking like you’ll start with?

    I know how much I would ask anybody for though. ₦500k for a local company, $60k per annum if it’s a foreign company, as per this life you gotta shoot for the stars. 

    Currently speaking to a couple of people, nothing is sure yet. I recently snagged a side hustle teaching, but it’s not consistent. ₦10k per session/day so whatever happens I would fall back on that. 

    What. Are. You. Teaching?

    Maths. GRE/GMAT as per Japa season, me too I dey gain from am. Thank God for the useless economy making everybody want to Japa. And of course Trudeau, a good man. 

    You know, it would be nice to know what the going rate for tutoring GRE/GMAT is so I know whether or not to up my price. Please sneak it inside the post so I go read the replies. 

    What’s the future looking like though, say within the next 3-5 years?

    Bro, one thing is I need to make money somehow. I’m pretty high performing, I get good feedback from people I work with, I just need that to reflect in my earnings.

    I’m also passionate about the industry I’m currently working in so I hope to stick to it. Still, the industry is not as lucrative and I need it to be so I may have to change career path. 

    At the end of the day, I need at least a ₦500k per month pay by 2022. If not I’m off to Canada or wherever else. I learnt from my USA mistakes — my Japa will be final this time.

    What you’re saying is, there are circumstances that can keep you here. By choice.

    Yeah for sure. I want to be here. I am oddly patriotic. “Part of the change you want to see” kind of person. But, just what kind of change can you make if you’re hungry? 

    I work in the off-grid industry, providing electricity to the unelectrified. You can only do that in Africa and Nigeria has one the largest unelectrified population in the world. 

    Random – well, not really – but when was the last time you felt really broke?

    I’m never actually that broke in that sense. I stick to my budget, I have savings. Maybe when I was at this Detty December event and it was so hard making a decision to get a 4k cocktail and I felt like, how I can be agonizing so much over what $12. I just felt bad, man.

    That tradeoff goes through my head all the time – if I spend this X naira, what would I not be able to spend this X naira on, is that alternative not more valuable to me.

    What’s something you honestly wish you were better at?

    I’d say investing I guess. I’m currently in a money market fund but that’s about it. 10% returns. Most of my money just lies in a bank somewhere and I need to fix that.

    Do you have an emergency plan for if anything goes south?

    My father. Haha.

    I have a solid amount in savings from my internship shortfall. About $7k only to be touched in emergencies but we pray against them sha.

    Do you honestly have any financial regrets?

    Other than knowing that I’d be making $80k+ a year in the USA if I’d stayed? None.

    Let’s paint a picture of what this life would have looked like if you stayed.

    Let’s see. Winter, so I’d be wearing a Patagonia $400 dollar jacket. Young man, 22 so no responsibilities.

    Go to work – nine hours maybe. Leave work at 5pm, get home at 5.25pm – no traffic.

    Have Thai for dinner because it costs about $13. Probably would be less financially responsible. Go for Happy Hour with my friends after work, buy 1 or 2 rounds – maybe $100. Buy 1 or 2 drinks for a cute girl, $50.

    Go clubbing every other weekend cause I can afford it. Travel a lot. You only start to stress as a young guy in the USA once you have dependents, or paying off a mortgage or maybe paying off loans.

    And you have none of those.

    I’m just a 22-year-old baby boy.

    How would you rate your happiness levels though, on a scale of 1-10?

    5, man. A meagre 5. Someone once told me that contentment is never experiencing better. I felt that in my soul.

    That’s one way to look at it. Is there something you think I should have asked you but didn’t?

    There’s this “how did you make money the first time” question I see on the series.

    Go for it.

    Not really relevant, but I used to be a day student where most of my classmates were boarders.

    I was moving stuff – contrabands like chewing gum, Agbalumo – at insane margins, as per entrepreneur.

    I’d make ₦500 from a ₦100 stash, then I started making friends, giving out stuff for free till my margins were wiped out.

    And so, I learned at a young age that there is no friendship in business.


  • NYSC Diary Day 19: Life Is A Pot Of Beans

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    5:30AM

    Look, I am never believing any soldier again. In the heat of yesterday’s competition when the MC (a fellow corps member) saw that we were going to take long, he begged that we be allowed to sleep a bit longer. It’s a fair arrangement: the next day is Saturday, and in all fairness, we were finished with the NYSC timetable. We need rest too.

    Now imagine my shock when the bugle sounded at 4AM this morning, and my anger when a solider poked my leg with a stick to wake me up. 

    I get up, dress in anger and a feeling of betrayal. Soldiers are not to be trusted. Not now, not ever.

    6:00AM

    Funny thing: coming to the parade ground was a waste. I missed morning meditation, and by the time I arrived at the ground, there’s nothing left. I am not marching, I am not doing anything, in other words, I have wasted valuable time coming here. 

    Today is the carnival. All platoons will dress in jeans and a white round neck shirts bearing designs unique to their own platoons. I came prepared, I brought jeans. When you come to camp too, come along with jeans. If you intend to participate in Miss NYSC, you can also come with your own dress, and a traditional attire. Young men hoping to be Mr. Machos should also come with corporate outfits, and maybe three litres of vegetable oil. 

    10:03 AM

    Lmao. This carnival is trash. Other carnivals in other states dress in traditional attires, fancy costumes, and they move about, happy and colourful. But here in Katsina, our carnival is like an awareness walk. Awareness walk is even better. We simply gather under the pavilion, and the MC calls us out to dance according to platoon. It’s a travesty of a carnival. Even street carnivals will see our carnival and laugh.

    Because, what’s the point of a carnival like that in the afternoon? What’s the point of buying face masks if you will do nothing but sit under a pavilion and listen to Naira Marley on repeat? 

    2:15 PM

    I forgot to tell you. Today is the cooking competition, and all platoons are saddled with the responsibility of cooking dinner by ourselves and for ourselves. There will be judges who will taste our food and award us marks. 

    They give us pepper, salt, maggi, vegetable oil, tomato paste, detergent (to wash pot, not to cook abeg), quarter bag of rice, raw meat, firewood, Onga, and all other things they deem enough to cook food.

    But then the problem is that these things are not enough. And this is where people begin to do oversabi.

    You know those people in university and secondary school, those ITK classmates who when asked to define Osmosis, say, “According to Albert Einstein 1945, page 201, column 11, line 43, Osmosis is sfhdlahd.” Shebi you know them na? Them full this camp.

    Ordinary cooking competition that they gave us rice and pepper for, some people started to prepare salad, banga soup and starch, fried rice. I think some people even prepared amala and ewedu. One platoon went to buy crates of soft drinks. Another platoon went to rent aprons, table cloths, decoration fabric. Tiri gbosa for una. See my platoon people, we gathered and told ourselves we are not participating. Competition that they will not judge us fairly for anyway. Why kill ourselves?

    7:40 PM

    Food is not yet ready. We are supposed to be done by 8PM and take it to the parade ground for tasting, but since we are not done, will the judges please eat firewood and salt? The Camp Director came and said, “Let me tell you, if that food is not ready by 8PM, know that you are going to taste it and judge yourselves by yourselves.”

    Why sir, that’s so kind of you. How did you know we have the same thing in mind?

    8:23PM

    Food is ready. Hot party jollof rice with fried and stewed beef. We bought extra pepper, vegetable oil, butter, and seasoning cubes. Our money will enter our mouth. 

    We carried it to the parade ground, but we went to the far back, not to the front. We stood there with our table and just chilled.

    It was in this this chilling mode that we heard that our platoon came in 8th. On top food wey them no taste? Food wey we no even carry go there? Indeed, God is a miracle working God. We kuku burst into song: He’s a miracle working God. He’s the Alpha and Omega, He’s a miracle working God!

    See clapping, see dancing. Even other platoons were forced to look at us and wonder about our excitement. But we didn’t even care. We simply set up table and started to serve our platoon people with one sachet of water.

    The food of rebellion is sweet, I tell you. Those of us that cooked got extra meat, and later when we cleared up, I still ate extra. I must have eaten up to seven pieces of meat. Yep, seven.

    Later, we heard that the eight position was for kitchen duty and that  Platoon 4, the same platoon that cooked heaven and earth came last in kitchen duty.

    Lmao. Is life not a pot of burnt beans?

  • NYSC Diary Day 18: You Learn To Value Freedom In Camp

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    7:15 AM

    Today is my last Friday in this camp. Waking up, it is no different from the other Fridays I have spent here. But it feels different, and when the soldiers come banging at the door, my friend F. says that very soon, all this gra-gra will end. I can’t wait for it to be over. I really can’t. At this point, the soldiers do the most. Being forced to come and parade in the evening, forced to social nights, forced out of the rooms. This morning, they have added a new strategy to chasing us out: they pour water in the room. Sometimes I think that this camp feels like prison with a tiny slice of liberty. Each time I think thoughts like this, I understand the importance of freedom, of owning your time and doing with it whatever you want, the importance of dressing up in what you like, eating what you desire, going where you desire.

    NYSC camp is the place where you learn to value your freedom.

    10:15 AM

    Because it is the last Friday, we close the SAED skill acquisition program and do an exhibition of the things we have made in our various classes. The people at plumbing exhibit a shower with running water; those at makeup do a live face beat of a model; event planning/management exhibit a couple’s spot in wedding; agro-allied, a hen and some eggs in a crate. Those in tailoring exhibit a long gown, short gown, a kimono, and a dashiki. In leather works, they exhibit bags and slippers that I consider beautiful. My SAED class, Food Processing, exhibits cookies, cakes, salad cream, punctured and non-punctured doughnuts, glazed doughnuts, cup cakes. We also exhibit some tools of the trade: cookie cutters, measuring spoons, etc. I assist in decorating the cup cakes, putting sprinklers atop them, and fetching water to clean the utensils. After the exhibition, I leave for the OBS studio, exhausted.

    2:30PM

    Lunch is rice and beans. It is delicious, I must admit, but the fish is small and it is fried so deep it has become tasteless. I am about to finish the meal when I hear that they have started paying allowee. That excitement!

    I finish up, clean my plate, keep it and dash to the Accounts Section. A crowd is there already: Nigerians, we too like money! The allawee is N19,800, forget that talk of it being increased to N31,800. To get it, you need to present your NYSC ID card. It is unlike the transport allowance of N1,800 which you need to present your meal ticket for. The Bicycle Allowance is N1,400. In total, you get N23,000 in cash from NYSC at the end of your 3 weeks in camp. I have collected my transport allowance. And it’s not even enough for transport anyway. I spent nothing less than N10,000 from Lagos to Katsina, so N1,800 is like a drop out of an ocean. I am yet to get my N1,400. Each time I go, I am told a new story—”Come back, come back, you keep coming at the wrong time.”

    As soon as I get my allawee, I pocket it and find my way out of there. It’s just like someone said, “Some people go leave this camp with three allawee, you go see.” 

    E no go be my own allawee, biko.

    4:27PM

    The cycle continues: we are forced to the parade ground where we sit on the floor while the soldiers ferrett out those who are hiding from parade and marching. When they are done with their witch hunt, they let us go, but even then we don’t have freedom. We head to the football field or perch by the roadside or sit under the pavilion. We cannot go back to the hostel, we cannot go to Mammy Market, not even to get water. 

    I am tempted to complain, but then I remember that there was one time I prayed to God to help me go to NYSC, help me wear the white white and the khaki. Now that this prayer has been answered, why complain over what I specifically requested for?

    1:20 AM

    Yes o, 1:20 AM in the midnight. This is the time I head back to the hostel to sleep. We just finished with the Miss Camp/NYSC and Mr. Macho competition where my platoon came third for Miss NYSC. Look, I am not siding my platoon or anything now, but the judging was not fair. Not fair at all. Anyway, God in heaven sees us, and I know that we will be vindicated, because I know that you don’t believe me.

    But see ehn, guys do the most. To be fine boy no be by chest alone o. You must get something for upstairs.

    After all the groundnut oil that the Mr. Macho contestants rubbed on their body, to answer questions became a war. One guy was asked to name the president of the United States and mans couldn’t. Another was asked to sing the NYSC anthem, and he took it from 0 to 1,000 in a second. But the one wey pain me pass na this guy. He was asked to list two countries bordering Borno state. Guess what he said?

    China, South Africa.

    This, ladies and gentlemen, was how everything burst.

  • NYSC Diary Day 16: How To Sorta Lose The Inter-Platoon Competition

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    6:00 AM

    NYSC camp ends in 5 days. 

    Today is the inter-platoon drills competition. I wake up feeling a little excited. Days and days of marching, and finally we get to showcase what we have learned. All the right wheel, left wheel, slow march, breaking into quick march. I can’t wait.

    But first, I have to go to the parade ground for morning drills and meditation. The competition is by 3pm and so I have to get breakfast, go to the OBS to cast my own segment of the program, and attend SAED lectures and practicals. There’s a whole lot before the competition. But I am not afraid. I know my platoon will win.

    8:15 AM

    Breakfast is yam and stew. It’s a huge disc, but also so soft. I devour it while preparing what to say on air. The program goes in pidgin, and me and my co-host have so much fun on air that I never want to stop speaking pidgin. 

    I’m still confident about the march past. Very confident. Platoon 2 will win.

    12:00PM

    In SAED class, we learn about U-Report. I don’t know if you know them, but long before NYSC camp, I used to receive texts from a number, texts referring to me as U-Reporter and asking me to reply so-so to so-so questions. Me I always ignore them sha, because this is Nigeria, Nigeria where all telecommunication companies are thieves by night and network operators by day. You can go and reply a text message now and next thing you know, all your present recharge and subsequent recharges will suffer a deduction. Me I don’t play rough play, abeg.

    In this place, I learn about them afresh. I learn that it is  a social SMS platform created by the federal government and the UN to address social issues relating to education, health, social amenities, child abuse and the likes. According to the man, you have opportunity to send issues because the system operates based on SMS sent to your phone every week. The SMS is based on questions about health, education, domestic violence, rape, etc. They could send you a text asking if people from your community go for antenatal. 

    Basically, it is a way to facilitate change and a way to hear the concerns of the grassroots. And then again, it is free. At the end of the lecture, they ask us to text a particular code to join, but me I don’t. I am still paranoid. Tables can turn any time and my poor airtime will suffer for it. I can’t risk that.

    1:15 PM

    In the catering class which is actually called (Food Processing), we sweeten our yoghurt, and then proceed to make spring rolls.

    Midway into the class, we all want to leave because parade will soon commence and we are all antsy. We need to get lunch. We need to get our khakis from the dry cleaners. We need to lay edges and slay. Stew must be poured on the parade ground. Pepper must be poured into people’s eyes. And we don’t want to be in any SAED class. Set us free, this woman. Set us free and let us go and march!

    3:00PM

    And march we do. When we appear on the parade ground, platoon by platoon, we are snatched. Bright coloured sashes on our shoulders to identify the right marker, parade commandant, left marker. It’s hot, but people are wearing make-up, not bothering that it will soon melt like ice cream. Edges have been laid, hair styled and shaped. Even our sub-guard commandant has shaved. Them must to take. We put on gloves. We arrange our white handkerchiefs which will make an appearance when we  are leaving the field. I said it, no time to play. We came here to step on throats.

    No jewelry, no waist pouch, no wristwatch or anything. Just us in our khakis. The first and second position gets a gold cup, the last gets a long wooden spoon which is a thing of shame.

    Shame will not be our portion in Jesus name. We say our prayers. We line up. And then, we move. Platoon 2 for the victory, y’all.

    7:00PM

    We came in 8th. 

    If I hear you laugh or anything, I will find you and kill you. And I mean it.

    We didn’t come first or second or third, we came in eighth.

    Those judges don’t know what is good for them. They don’t, because how could they pass us by?

    In our own defence, we were the first to march, and this meant that we were in full view of everyone. So when our platoon member fainted while we were waiting for inspection, everyone saw it. We were not the only one to have a member faint while waiting, though. It’s almost like an inter-platoon competition of fainting. We’d been kept in the sun for too long and so it was inevitable. But we had reserves step in. It all makes sense to keep reserves now.

    I know our legs did not align during the left wheel and slow march. But that was all about it. Asides that, I don’t know what else happened. Even our commander (Oga Soldier) said that we did very well. Even beyond his own expectations.

    But we came in 8th. Anyway, sha we did not carry last. At least that one is there.

    And is it our fault that the judges have bad taste?

    Me I will not tell you which platoon came first. If you want to find out, come down to Katsina state and don’t vex me.

    9:00PM

    There are no social activities tonight. The competition finished late, and so the Camp PRO considered us. E better o, because it’s not me and them that will come and be shaking bumbum after carrying 8th position. Which useless bumbum? Nobody should vex me abeg. Camp is kuku ending. 

  • NYSC Diary Day 14: A Crash Course On How To Make Doughnuts In Camp

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    6:30AM

    The countdown begins; NYSC camp will soon become a thing of the past. But before this happens, the soldiers are bent on showing us who is superior. It’s another day, another round of drills and marching and wondering what exactly all this will amount to. I go through the activities of bathing, brushing, and dressing up a little confused about what I am doing. Let’s be honest, do we understand what we as doing in this Nigeria?

    8:30 AM

    I am on air again. I host the current affairs and today in history segment. Today, I bring a twist to the show — interesting facts about the human body. Did you know, for example, that when you kiss someone you pass on 278 bacteria to them? Relax, you Farm Equipment. 95% of these bacterias are harmless. You’re probably thinking, “Only 5% are harmful, no wahala,” but think of mouth odour. What if it is caused by the remaining 5%? You better stop kissing entirely. Something that is not even sweet.

    Breakfast is pap and beans, as per recycle of meals. I add milo and peak milk to the pap, and mehn, issa cruise.

    1:15PM

    Chopist class. And I am here to enjoy it to the fullest. ENJOYMENT GALORE. We are learning how to make doughnuts. The instructor tells us about the punctured doughnuts, the non-puncture(d) ones (that is, doughnut wey no get hole for centre), jam doughnuts, glazed doughnuts, etc. Then we set about mixing our dough and leaving it to rise, kneading it, rolling it and then cutting it into pretty circles of dough. We place them on a tray and set it out in the sun so it can rise again.

    In the meantime, we learn how to make a pancake and I am given a bit of it to taste, but someone smacks it out of my hand to the floor after I take one bite. Shebi you see that bad belle full everywhere.

    Anyway, we fry the doughnuts and they come out brown and fluffy, with some of them having a slight crisp that makes it even more enjoyable. And it’s hot too. Imagine this kind of delicacy going with a bottle of cold Fanta.

    I swear, after this SAED training, na to go open shop remain. We’re going to do gizdodo tomorrow. I don’t know what that is, but I’m guessing a combination of gizzard and dodo.

    3:10PM

    This is the moment when I discover Teni’s Billionaire. I love it! Especially the thing that sounds like “Crip!” which was mentioned at the beginning. It’s a wonder of a song, and the music video has a story that I really love. So far in this year, Tiwa Savage’s 49-99 and Billionaire are the two music videos I have found love in. Yes. There are other music videos, but I hardly know them because I no dey watch TV. Where I wan get see am? Thank God for YouTube and the gift of brand new music videos. 

    7:00PM

    Dinner is rice and a river of stew. A small meat too. I head to Mammy Market to get something to snack on, but it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for you to find proper snacks at that market.

    K. joins me at Mammy Market to rent dresses for the lady who is representing our platoon for the Miss Camp/Miss NYSC competition. The dresses look like Mary Amaka gowns, some that look like costume for church drama, some look like maternity gowns, some look like the costume for someone playing angel in a Christmas carol. And there’s that tacky red and  black dress with false diamonds and whorls of sliver and black gathers. It looks like something a masquerade should parade in. Who on earth designs these things?

    In the end, we shortlist three dresses: one complicated looking but actually simple dress with a train. It has leaves printed on it, and it makes me think of coffee, but it is beautiful. The second dress is a tornado of gold fabric. It looks like the adult version of those ready-made gowns they buy for girls at Christmas. All that remains is a hat with rubber band to hold it under the chin, plastic sunglasses, and white socks trimmed with organza, and a baby girl is a born.

    The third dress doesn’t even size our prospective queen. It has been slimfitted to death and even though it looks like it has prospects, we do not get to see it. The woman says not to worry, that we can loosen it out.

    After this shopping, we head to another stall to price glitter for our Mr. Macho. I hear that we will rub groundnut oil on his abs and smear him with glitter so that when he flexes his chest and stands before the whole camp in his underwear, ladies can fall in love.  American Wonder part three and four. Orisirisi.

    8:45 PM

    Another OBS meeting. It means no social night, but OBS meetings are long so I don’t even know what to feel. But I do something new. As soon as the Camp PRO finishes addressing us and an OBS exco comes up to start part two of the meeting, I promptly fall asleep. No be me una go kill, abeg.

  • NYSC Diary Day 13: What’s With The Stay-Back-In-Borno Agenda?

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    6:50 AM

    It is only in NYSC camp that Sunday is truly a day of rest. And I mean it o. It is the only day when you get to do nothing until 4 PM when it is time for evening parade.

    It’s such a relief. I take my time doing everything, including waking up. The first day that I don’t have soldiers waking you up with that annoying bugle and I won’t sleep well? God forbid o. God forbid.

    I do my laundry, get bath water and rearrange my clothes. I want to go to church; I didn’t go last week and this week I must go, God punish devil. 

    9:43 AM

    Heading to church now. I have sufficiently missed breakfast, so I stop at the staff canteen to get bread and fried eggs. It ends up being a small punishment because I don’t find water to drink. Someone gives me a sip of tea but that even adds to the wahala. Devil is this your plan? Is this how you want to come? Hahaha, my God has shamed you o.

    The woman at the canteen tells me not to joke with church. She tells me that corps members die every year, and that some people get go camp and forget God. In a way, she makes me miss my mother. That’s the kind of thing Mama Kunle would say. I nod, and I head out as soon as I down what remains of my bread and fried egg.

    12:30PM

    EVERYTHING THEY SAY IN THIS CAMP IS AIMED AT GETTING US TO STAY BACK IN BORNO.

    Seriously. Camp lectures, SAED, and even sermon. The sermon was okay, yeah, but then the pastor veered in the Stay-In-Borno direction, I didn’t even know what to do with myself again. It’s all cloaked in spirituality, of course. Like, discover the will of God for your life. What if God has programmed you to stay in Borno state? Remember Jonah? He redeployed to a state out of God’s will for him and look at what happened. I know a lady who earns 600k per month working with NGOs. I work directly with commissioners. I am from Benin, I have not even met my state commissioner. But look at. See, follow the will of God. There is direct connection to God in the North.

    You people should stop. If I will go to Borno, I will go. Leave me to decide, don’t push any agenda into my decision process. Leave me while I think, abeg.

    12:50 PM

    I stop to see the Camp Director so I can ask him what my chances are if I decide to stay back in Borno. He says I have a good chance: get posted to the capital, receive state allowance, if I want, I can stay in the NCCF lodge and if I don’t, I can stay somewhere else.

    Have I submitted my application for redeployment? Yes.

    Well, I can change it if I want. I just have to write a letter of cancellation and submit it to the people at ICT. If I don’t want to write a letter, I can decide not to go to wherever I decide to relocate to after I have been posted. Just write a letter of cancellation and that’s it. 

    It looks (and sounds) more complicated than I am making it seem. And in a way, I am a bit divided. Don’t ask me why. Even me I don’t know.

    2:49PM

    Lunch is Jollof rice and chicken. I got a chicken drumstick but this one doesn’t look like a drumstick. More like a broomstick. The Jollof rice is concoction, abeg. But e sweet sha. But let’s be honest sef, wetin no dey sweet for hungry man mouth?

    7:00PM

    The rest of the day spirals into a quick end. Evening parade is a drag and only God understands where all our energy has gone. Dinner is yam pottage and fried fish. You people will not believe what happened to me o. I begged them for tail of fish, but when I was served the fish, I was now regretting that I begged for it. The thing looks like it has gonorrhoea. I left that place shedding tears internally.

    11:00PM

    Shebi you know that my hostel people do the most in yarning okoto meow gist? Well, this night is no different. They begin with the talk of “Can you sleep with your best friend’s babe?”

    Answers:

    A: No na, that doesn’t make sense.

    B: That’s rubbish.

    C: What’s there? I can do it na.

    And then:

    A: It means you can kill your guy na.

    B: But what if they do it for you? Like say, make your guy dey gbensh your babe?

    C: Wetin dey there. So far as I no know about am.

    Me: Jesus Christ the son of God, look at the people you died for. Just look at.

  • NYSC Diary Day 12: As Camp Winds Down, We Get Close To Gbas-Gbos Territory

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    6:30 AM

    Today is the day that my luck will shine, but I don’t know it yet. I go through the daily rituals (wahala, actually) of waking up in NYSC camp and head to the parade ground and after everything ends. Shebi you know that we do morning and evening parade? Well, this morning is when we will test what we have learnt. This means that all platoons will march like we are doing the march past on Wednesday, which is the day of the parade proper.

    We get in line. Everyone is tense, because the camp commandant is present and every platoon wants to outshine themselves. Me I am just worried about doing the right thing.

    Anyway, we march. Round and round the parade ground until our jungle boots are coated in dust and we look like something from the Dust Age (is there something like Dust Age sef?) My legs and yansh hurt, all that clenching of butt to stand at attention and locking your knees so your legs can swing as stiff as a log of wood. 

    Breakfast is pap and akara, and I am halfway into it before I realise that they’re repeating food in this camp. I don’t blame them, because to be fair, how many kinds of food do we have in this part of the country? How many, eh?

    11:08 AM

    Shebi you know I said that luck shined on me? Now is the time. On Thursday, the day that SAED people did Digital Skill Acquisition and I got a knapsack, they gave a topic and said that there will be a debate. The topic is The Role of National Youth Policy in the Development of a Nation. Maybe not in that exact order sha, but that’s the general idea. So they said that all platoons will debate on it and winners will be selected. My platoon people nominated me for the debate, but I just didn’t put it in mind. Actually, none of us did. Too much camp stress and you expect us to have debate in mind? Make debate dey debate himself, abeg.

    But these people came today again, and fiam, they said “Oya o, debate people come out, it is time.”

    For a minute, I was this confused crab from Sponge Bob, because where will I start from?

    I Googled stuff, did what I could, and then went up to talk rubbish, very sure that I was even blowing grammar bombs. So imagine my surprise when my platoon was announced as the third position. Like! 

    Funny enough, we tied with Platoon 10 which my friend F. represented. Na so we dey o, two friends, bunk mates and former course mates winning in Katsina. Cash prize for third position was N2,000. Me I did good boy and went to hand it over to platoon leader. In the end, it came back to me, but not until I did Father Christmas of 50% (do the maths) for platoon people.

    Here’s a picture of the envelope, so it won’t look like I didn’t give you something.

    1:15 PM

    I have a rant. Why is it that when they have an emergency, people will tell you to “quickly” borrow them cash, and when it is time to return it, they give you audio money?

    Let me tell you about G., for example. I was doing my own waka jeje in Mammy Market when G. stopped me to ask if I had N50. One spirit was saying I should just tell him sorry and waka pass o, but as per good Samaritan, I searched my waist pouch, told him I had N20. He said he was about buying water and the N50 tore, so he needed N50 or more. Did I have N100 or something? I said yes, as per Our Lord of Tender Mercies that I am. He took the money, and when I asked if it was dash or borrow (so I can know whether to look away or await earnestly), he said, “Anytime you need it, just let me know.”

    My had-I-known face

    Only for me to ask him during evening parade and he said, “Abeg, abeg.” I wasn’t even asking for the whole cash o. I just wanted N50 back so I could also pay the debt I am owing K. I swear that thing pained me. And it’s not the cash or something, but the fact that I asked him if it was dash or borrow. I wanted to rant like that “Angry Woman” in the “Angry Woman and the Cat” thread. But I just cooled myself. Na me fuck up na, abi no be me?

    4:23 PM

    Only God knows what they put in the egusi and eba that they served for lunch today. I ate it and I became weak o. I slept, woke up and then slept again. It felt as if I had lost momentary use of my senses. I was just looking like somebody that they jazzed. I had to buy bread and egg to eat so I could regain myself. Yes, I eat to come alive. Judge me all you want.

    10:50 PM

    Come and hear o, you people. I saw somebody smoking today in the hostel! Our true colours don dey come out o. That was how the guys in my hostel said that the girls are feeling the lack of sexual gbas gbos more than the guys. Another person now added that shebi they are already touching themselves, that they are already becoming lez. Me I just sat down like a mop, absorbing all this messy gist they are spewing.

    The social night was boring, as usual. I’m sorry o, but me I am just like that. Other people find it interesting, I know, but each time I have to dress up for that children’s birthday party they call a social night, my vibe don already die. I just go there to fulfill an obligation. 

    It is on my return from the social night that I saw this guy, right by the toilet side. I smelled weed when I passed, but O. said it was cigarette. 

    The Camp director said this morning that, “As the Camp is winding down, people will begin to steal/show their true colours,” and now it is starting to make sense.

    I just have one question: does this mean that before we leave, they will catch people doing intimate gbas gbos? 

    Ah, drama and I’m ready for it.

  • NYSC Diary Day 8: What Do You Do During A Man O’ War Drill?

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    5:00 AM.

    I wake up full of joy even though I am tired and would like to go back to bed. Today is Platoon two’s day to take the morning meditation. The topic is Patience, and I—yes me!—will be the one taking it. I wrote it too, then submitted it to the Platoon Leader and Assistant Platoon Leader to crosscheck it before I took it to the Camp PRO, a man so efficient he’s almost scary. They all liked it. Actually, scratch that. They all LOVED it. The Camp PRO said to add one more paragraph to wrap it up and then we move. 

    Today is also our Man O’ War drill, which means we have to dress in our khakis full. 7/7, as they say it.

    6:30 AM

    I’m so relieved, excited and energetic; I want to scream, jump, weep, and do anything. The Morning Meditation went well. It went so well, the Camp PRO said, “What a brilliant work by Platoon 2. I believe other platoons can see and take note.”

    My platoon screams. This is the talk that will make me famous, such that when my name is mentioned, someone will respond with, “The one who read the Morning Meditation? Nice one. You killed it, you really did.”

    Take that, other platoons, hahaha.

    6:47 AM

    “Who go tire? Na you go tire!”

    “Corpers wee! Wa!”

    Man O’ War drills begin in earnest. We jog from the parade ground to another side of the camp.

    What is a Man o War drill, you might wonder at this point. Well, have you ever seen pictures of corps members climbing ropes like Tarzan, crawling out of tunnels and posing with wooden guns? Yes, that’s a Man O’ War drill.

    It is more fun than parade, but it is also backbreaking. We jump up a stilt and walk to the end using our hands alone. We crawl through a tunnel. We swing from a thick rope. We climb through another tunnel covered with barbed wire. At the end of each activity, photographers mob us: “Look here!” “Smile!”” Look up” “Yes corper look at me, look this way.” It’s like paparazzi mobbing a celebrity. I feel like a hero, like I have saved Nigeria from one huge disaster.

    We end the drill with a lecture: do not steal money from Nigeria; don’t go abroad, you too can fix your country. Say God bless Nigeria every morning. Low key, I’m like “Alaye jor jor.”

    9:55 AM

    SAED lectures are next on the list, and even though I tell myself I will stay awake and listen, be a good citizen and stop wasting the money Nigeria paid to train me, I fall asleep some minutes into the lecture.

    When I wake up, they are rounding up a presentation on how to write a business proposal, the steps involved in getting a bank to give you a loan. In between, there is a mini drama presentation. And then, we are introduced to the skill tutors.

    There’s leather works (shoe and bag making, abeg), tailoring, food preservation (catering), paint production, farming (poultry, fish), make up, cosmetology (how to make perfumes, etc), solar, ICT, etc.

    Me I jejely carried myself and joined catering. I’m a chop life gang, plis. Remember that I came to this camp to chop the life of my head? This is the goal, and we’re getting it.

    1:13 PM

    I’m going out of the camp. No, I’m not decamping. I have some issues with my BVN that I need to sort out. To exit the camp, you need to write a letter requesting permission to exit and the reason for exit. The letter goes through your platoon leader first, and after he signs it, it goes to the Camp Director who requests your meal ticket and then writes an exeat behind it. I am given one hour. But I spend more than one. No, I am not being disobedient. The motorcycle that carried me developed a fault, and the bank is far. Hot sun, hot asphalt, dry throat. I wonder if Katsina is a place I can reside in. Here a pictures from the trip:

    Katsina after school hours.

    5:50 PM

    I am pleased to announce that I have been reinstated as a parade member. Taken straight out of the reject group and brought back to march. I feel elated. The parade is now even more interesting. Slow march and quick march and a sprite of commands that make me feel like I’m whirling in a sandstorm, trying to catch my balance. 

    The soldiers do a demo march for us, and the sheer alignment and beauty of it is a stunner. When our sergeant returns, we love him the more.

    9:15 PM

    We present our dance at the social night. Look, you’ll probably think I’m biased, but we killed it. We. Killed. It. When we stepped on stage, everyone yelled, especially when our Igbo dancers started to perform magic with their waists. Later, I’ll hear that people complained that our Igbo girls couldn’t dance and that they came to seduce them with their figures.

    People and pepper body, sha. But anyway, let them say. That is the energy I am ending this new year with. Let them say.

  • NYSC Diary Day 7: What Is SAED And Why Is It Pronounced ‘Saheed’?

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    5:03 AM

    I leave for the parade ground without taking a shower. When I woke up a few minutes earlier, I felt tired. Really tired. I lay in bed and ignore everyone trying or not trying to wake me. It will be a good day, I thought. Just me, sleeping myself away. But then the soldiers barged in and my dreams were shattered. There was no time to take a shower. I simply brushed my teeth, washed my face and dashed out.

    Current state of the hostel.

    On the OBS (Orientation Broadcasting Service) group chat, there is a message asking us to be at the studio by 6:00 am. A delight, because it means I am exempted from parade. At the introductory session, the Camp PRO told us that if we join OBS in order to escape parade, we are wrong. But look at me now. I skip to the studio, happy that I will be skipping parade after all, Camp PRO’s words or not. 

    The studio is empty; I am the only one present and soon, the head of OBS, a fellow corps member comes in to tell me that it is a must I attend morning parade and that I can come back after it is over. “Oh really?” I say. I look happy on the inside as I go to the parade ground, but deep down inside me, I’m die.

    Platoon 1 is in charge of Morning Meditation, but because they failed to submit their write up to the Camp PRO for edits, their presentation is dead on arrival. Tomorrow it will my Platoon’s turn, and suddenly everyone is turning, asking how far with it, and are we good to go?

    7:27 AM

    I’m at the OBS studio, being generally useless but still looking useful, since everything to be done has been taken over by these ladies who, apparently, are either true OAPs or studied Mass Communication. There is an argument about phonetising which basically is a warning to presenters not to use fake accents. Opinions fly about, but me I am hungry. When the bugle sounds for breakfast, I make my way there immediately.

    OBS meeting

    Breakfast is pap and beans. It’s been 756,289 days since I ate beans, and tasting one spoon of it feels the way I imagine an orgasm must feel. 

    10:15 AM

    Lmao beans and pap as breakfast is a scam. I WANT TO SLEEP! I wonder if there’s a sleeping medicine in the food, but I doubt it. Someone says that pap induces sleep, and there’s nothing to worry about. There are plenty WebMDs on this camp, sha.

    Today begins our SAED meetings. SAED (Skill Acquisition and Entrepreneurship Development). This is one thing I dread, because every time ex corps members talk about it, they tell stories of how boring it is. I don’t know why they pronounce it as Saheed.

    10:45 AM

    The lecture is as predicted: boring, the crowd, rowdy. We are given a booklet on entrepreneurship, another booklet on accounts. A man referred to as the accountant tells us the importance of having your bank account before leaving the camp so your allowance can be sent into it. In between this lecture, I drift from sleep to wakefulness. My mind fills up with unnecessary trivia—will I ever find the love of my life? Two plus two will give you four, so in two, three years, some of these people will be married. how do people find love in camp sef?

    Booklet from SAED or is it SAHEED?

    I joke with the people seated next to me to keep awake. I pay no attention to the lecture, even though bits and pieces of it keep floating into my head: “We teach people craft. What business idea do you have? We can provide loans for you. Who is an entrepreneur here? is your business registered with an association?

    We sing the NYSC anthem so much I feel like the anthem itself must be weeping from overuse. Finally, amid many protests, we are dismissed.

    You should have seen me running to my hostel.

    You see these people? I bet they’re just as elated as I was to leave Saheed.

    2:00 PM

    Lunch is tuwo and okro soup and a bit of boiled beef. I devour it. I probably won’t get another chance to eat it again, so.

    A girl accosts me at the staff canteen where I am eating my lunch. She finished from my school too, and my friend F. is bent on playing matchmaker because he says she is spiritual and so we are a match. His definition of spiritual is that she wears no make-up or jewelry and always attends fellowship. He says a lot of nonsense, that boy. And to be frank, why do Nigerians see you as spiritual just because you’re wearing no make-up or jewelry?

    Anyway, she wants to know where I am relocating to. She feels she wants to stay in Borno, but she feels God has been telling her to not be tempted by the money. I tell her my own truth: “I honestly don’t know what to do or how to do it. But my prayer is that God leads me right. Even if it looks like I’m making my own decisions on my own, let it be God leading me. Let it be Him.”

    After lunch, I return to the hostel and fall into a deep sleep. My bed, forever loving, forever caring, welcomes me.

    4:50PM

    The rest of the day spirals away quickly. Again, I am rejected from the parade, and I am pained, but isn’t it time to confront the truth that I am quite useless to their mission? I visit the platoon commandant, I pen tomorrow’s morning meditation which I will be taking, I visit Mammy Market to charge my phone, I watch volleyball, I joke around with O. and B. When it is time for social night, I hide in the OBS studio thinking that they will of course be doing nonsense as always. But it turns out that the party was good. Rather than have girls twerk or whatever, they present drama and dance. The one time I decide to stay back and they do something meaningful. Nawa o.

  • NYSC Diary Day 6: How Soon Is Too Early To Want To Leave Camp?

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    5:03 AM

    It’s Sunday. The first Sunday on camp, and as soon as I wake up, I know that I’m going to drown myself in a river of sleep. Activities such as morning parade, devotion and meditation, are not going to take place today. I cannot be more glad. We are free to dress as we like until 12 when we are to return to our whites

    Fellowship hour is 7:30 till about 11 am. I spend those hours doing laundry, cleaning my side of the bunk and rearranging my things. I do not go for breakfast. 

    1:01 PM

    I visit the staff canteen for breakfast which has of course become lunch. I settle for bread, fried eggs and tea. Lunch comes not long after; Jollof (concotion, really) and chicken, can you believe it? I’m partly full when it arrives, so I eat only half of it before I get tired. I spend the hour arguing about what university is the best while telling myself I should get up and do something better with my life.

    3:45 PM

    We are back on the parade ground. This begins my show of shame. We are asked to march, but I keep messing up the commands, keep forgetting how to halt. I swear, it’s the chicken they gave me. I know that I am not entirely useless. I know it deep down within me. So you can imagine my deep hurt when the soldier drags me out and casts me on the rubbish heap with the rejects who cannot march. Later, he says we should go to the field and clap for the footballers. Just imagine.

    My God will judge you, Mr. Soldier. MY GOD WILL JUDGE YOU.

    6:10 PM

    The bugle has just been blown; Nigeria has been laid to rest, no pun intended. I am supposed to join the other rejects in their clapping and cheering duties, but God forbid. A whole me, clapping and prancing like something inside hot oil? Again, God forbid. I spend the rest of my time filling in my redeployment/relocation form.

    A brief information about the relocation form: it is the form that facilitates your relocation to another state. The form was given to us and is to be submitted today, with a handwritten letter requesting relocation to xxx state on security grounds. In the form, you fill in your name, course of study, call up number, state code, reason for relocation, and the state you’re relocating to. I’m relocating to Canada, just in case you want to know.

    7:03 PM

    Did I tell you I signed up for OBS and got in? If I didn’t, then I did. And tonight is our first meeting. I am assigned to the programs department, for current affairs. We are drilled: be punctual, think of how to generate income, drive people’s attention, make them listen to you. We are reminded that we have only two weeks to shake things up, and we better make the most of it. By the time we are done, dinner is over. It’s yam pottage and fried fish. I like pottage, but sadly, I missed it. I end up scooping powder milk into my mouth for dinner. Didn’t they say eat dinner like a beggar?

    10:15

    There is another social night again. And like you must have guessed, it is another show of shame. It’s like a children’s birthday party, a primary school’s end of the year party, only with people twerking and bored people loitering around and trying to make connections. Sunday has been a slow day anyway, why not have the party? But rather than speed  up things, it only drags the day even further. Drags it terribly. It’s a shame that we are forced to attend it.

    In all honesty, this NYSC is starting to tire me. I hope my time at OBS will bring fun. I really do.

  • NYSC Diary Day 4: Camp, The Place Lectures Come Alive

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    5:40 AM

    It is Friday, and now, all our activities have started to become routine. Wake up, make a dash to the tap for water, go to the bathroom, dress up, head to the parade ground for devotion and morning drills.But now there is more, and it’s because we have been sworn in.

    Now, Nigeria has her own sleeping and waking hours, our dear country whose citizens work tirelessly. We are told that every day, whenever the bugle goes off at 6:00am, we are to stand still. When the same repeats itself at 6:00pm, we are to stop and stand still. I want to ask, “But what if I’m in the middle of dying?”(I will not die in Jesus name *eyeroll*) Orisirisi has started to happen in camp, but I don’t even know it yet.

    8:00 AM

    One of the orisirisi that is happening is the fact that we have now been left to ourselves. Not in a completely independent way though, we have soldiers who act as our platoon leaders. I am in Platoon two, and you won’t believe all the drama my eyes have seen.

    But wait first, let me tell you about one orisirisi: lectures. Yes, being bonafide members means that we will be “killed”with lectures. The first one is something on security and protection of lives and property, how to safeguard yourself from attack, how to help corps members develop adequate sense of security. It is an interesting lecture, if I will be honest, but I really just want to sleep. 

    We head to the parade ground for the drills. Now that we do things according to platoons, it is a little more informal, not the kuku kill me drills that will have you questioning if you’re receiving punishments for sins your ancestors committed.

    Being left alone means that everything is now a competition. Everything. And every eye is on the lookout for the platoon that will emerge as the best. You know Nigerians na, everyone is now attempting to outdo themselves.

    A brief gist about my own platoon: a guy was voted in as the head. A lady wanted it first; she is the one who has been in charge of everything platoon related including creating a WhatsApp group, handing out kits to people, etc. Long and short of it, a lot of us already saw her as platoon head. 

    Only for soldier to say that we’d have to select/vote in our leader. When lady came out, soldier said no, that a lady cannot be the head. Because why? Because she is a lady, and ladies are the ones who faint the most since they cannot handle the pressure and heat of the sun.

    My people, na so kasala burst o. 

    Okay, maybe not exactly sha, but we dragged it for long. Asked soldier if there was a rule stating that a lady cannot be head and must be assistant alone. Soldier said no. Then why can’t we vote her in? No cogent reason. When it was time to vote, our lady had four votes. The guy had over twenty five.

    Only ladies faint, only ladies faint, but today during evening drill, about five guys fainted. A number of these guys faked it, but doesn’t that tell you something?

    Breakfast was bread and tea (as usual) and a boiled egg. I keep my egg for lunch, and pay N50 to have an egg fried. I add Milo and Peak powder milk to my tea, and each time I sip it, I remember that it is only one life I have and that I must chop it properly. Na Borno dem post me to, no be kill I kill person.

    12:45 PM

    Another lecture. This is how we don enter am. We gather at the parade ground, under the pavilion. It is hot, cramped. This lecture is one we are delighted to hear. It is about how to redeploy. Just imagine the joy that erupted from us when the man began to speak. In a way, I feel for those officials. I imagine them thinking, “Look at these ingrates. We feed you, accommodate you, and this is how you repay us? Corpses are scum!” But duh. It will take only God to keep some people from not relocating out of this place.

    He informs us that being posted to a state is called DEPLOYMENT, and changing that state to another is REDEOLOYMENT. There are two major reasons for re-deployment: Health and Marriage. For health reasons, he mentions that some ailments are manageable, meaning that you’ll probably not get redeployed based on those ailments: headache (and let’s be honest sef, who’d claim headache as a reason for redeployment? Is that headache a Chinese one?); asthma (can’t remember if he mentions this as manageable, sha). The ailments they consider are those in the category of HIV/AIDS (he says and I quote, “Some of you have HIV, but you don’t know it yet.”), Tuberculosis, etc etc. And don’t think about faking it, because their own doctors will test you too.

    For marriage, you need to provide a marriage certificate, newspaper publication declaring change of name, handwritten statement (I think), and a photocopy of your husband’s driver’s license or the biodata page of his international passport. Also, he says that men do not get to redeploy on basis of marriage (Eskiss me sah, but what if I am a househusband married to a sugar mummy?)

    And then, to the part we have been waiting for the most: redeployment on basis of insecurity. At this, we hoot again, we ungrateful humans. He warns us though: we should not think of working the posting to Lagos or Abuja, because the people at these places say that they already have enough. Even Port Harcourt. We should not think of paying anybody, because we will be redeployed by a person from Abuja who does not know us at all. And we should not think that we can redeploy to our state of origin or the state we schooled in. No way. Also, redeployment means that we automatically get disqualified from carrying out a personal project for whatever state we are redeployed to.

    Sad, but then do a lot of people care about anything else except leaving this camp?

    Other lectures come in: about the culture of the Borno people, things like marriage, etc. But I zone out some minutes after the speaker says that some people will find love in NYSC camp, that some people will fall in love with officials (which I took to mean soldiers). 

    1:43 PM

    I head back to the hostel. Muslims are preparing for Jumat which means extra sleep hours for me. In my hostel, the boys are in a heated discussion: Tacha was an Instagram olosho before Big Brother Naija. Look at the stretch marks on her body. The fact that she, an “Instagram olosho”made it to Big Brother Naija is why many ladies are also olosho today. 

    Jesus be the shield, abeg. Be the fence, be the covering and the umbrella. Me I cannot handle this type of thing. E big pass me.

  • NYSC Diary Day 3: In Camp, You Meet People From Different Worlds

    Everyday by 12pm for the next 21 days, I’ll be telling you what life is like at NYSC Camp. I was posted to Borno State, but the camp holds in Katsina state due to Boko Haram insurgency in Borno. You can read all the stories in the series here.

    2:41 AM

    Strange things are happening, good things are happening.

    A flurry of movement wakes me. Today is the swearing in. I tap O., but he does not stir. I go alone to fetch my bath water. When I return, I go to bed again, but it’s hard to sleep. I drift in and out until I finally stand up some minutes before 5 am.

    And then it begins.

    A voice in the room says he has something to tell us. He says we should hear him out. Everyone is busy with preparation, but ears are cocked. And the voice gives his message: we should pray. Muslims in the room should please not take offence. 

    He is from NCCF, he says, and I think, “Wait, are NCCF people now in our room?”

    NCCF is Nigerian Christian Corpers Fellow by the way.

    He begins with a song of worship. We sing, cold mouths opening up heavily, slowly. He persists. Tells us to shout Halleluyah. Prayer is important, do we know? Giving thanks to God. We have not had any case of theft, shouldn’t we give thanks? 

    In the middle of this, I head to the bathroom so I can get a spot before it becomes crowded. I am wrong. In the end, I take my bath in a doorless bathroom, so much for keeping myself.

    7:57 AM

    Parade begins about this time. This is after morning devotion where brethren from fellowship bodies remind us of our duties to God, after the morning mediation titled Obedience. Parade today is a little humorous, never mind that today is the swearing in, that monumental event that will transition us from prospective corps members to bonafide corps members. Humorous, in that the new intakes keep messing up the commands, being unused to the actions accompanying them.

    “Stand attention!” and some people still have their hands by their sides rather than the back.

    We are warned: this event will have dignitaries in attendance, we better not misbehave. Our conduct will determine the overall tone of the camp experience, either good or bad.

    We are told how to dress: in our khakis, jungle boots, crested vest, everything, sans the jacket. No water bottles, no sunglasses, no waist pouches. Come the way you are.

    We go over the commands again, march of the flag parade, signing of the oath form, salute of the officials. 

    Hours later, we are dismissed for breakfast, and told to go prepare ahead for the swearing in.

    10:55 AM

    We are back on the parade ground for the official swearing in. We are all clad in khakis. My khaki smells like engine oil, but I am afraid to speak out. Finally I do, and B. confirms it. It’s the printing ink.

    Let’s be honest, some people deserve tiri gbosas. The sun is hot enough, but some ladies are in full make-up and faux eyelashes. I’m pretty sure that by the end of the parade, such an affair will end in tears. All that makeup, all that sun. One thing must give way for another.

    The parade is as you might expect: hot sun cooking us all, dignitaries ably represented by someone else. But there is more: people are fainting. It is expected, but it quickly goes beyond the expected and soon, Red Cross officials begin to dart across the camp to pick up people. It is a believable fainting, yet also so highly staged. At least that one I am sure of. A guy in the queue next to mine is tapping his knee and laughing, laughing, laughing. Two minutes later, Bros is on the ground yelling muscle pull.

    One of the members of the flag party faints on her way to sign the oath form with the Chief Judge. Entertainment is suspended because of the extreme weather. We become rowdy, mimic the Chief Judge’s pronunciations as we recite the oath after him. We are carefree, and there is hardly anything the soldiers can do to us but look on in horror.

    11:46 AM

    I return to bed to get some sleep. I am extremely exhausted. Since I got here, I sometimes catch my dozing on the parade grond. I fall into bed with relief and it welcomes me home.

    2:50 PM

    I slowly return to my default settings after sleep loosens me up. For a few minutes, I stare at people like I’m not sure what I am doing amongst these people. F. keeps asking if I’m alright. 

    Lunch is Jollof rice and boiled beef. The Jollof tastes like premature Jollof: concoction. And I think it still needs a tiny pinch of salt, but it tastes nice. And I devour it with gratitude.

    4:15 PM

    This may or may not be the beginning of good things, but I don’t know it yet.

    We return to the parade ground where we are told that we are to abide strictly to the rules, now that we are bonafide corps members. The camp commandant addresses us. “A lady was caught wearing bum shorts to Mammy Market yesterday night, where do you think you are?! If we get hold of you, you will be dealt with severely. Discipline is needed!”

    In other words, we must always be dressed in whites. Rubber slippers will be confiscated. Phones must be silenced or switched off on the parade ground or it will be seized and returned when the camp ends. Do not smoke elsewhere but the smoking corner at Mammy market. Ladies, do not carry hairstyles that will be too much for you to handle. Do not wear shades unless they are recommended, and you must provide a paper to this end.

    Me attempting not to zone out:

    B. is a fellow platoon member, but so far, we have a connection. I know what you are thinking, but I have not found love yet. B. has a positive energy, one I really like. Since we line up according to platoons, I often find myself before or behind her. And we often talk about random things. But this evening, we roll different. I tell her about the

    “Is Ashimolowo a bad bitch?”tweet I found once on Twitter, and that provokes a bout of laughter. Soon, everyone is a bad bitch. The soldier with his new fancy hat. Me when I decide to talk in defiance of orders. A fellow corps member in sunshades. Bad bitches everywhere.

    https://twitter.com/Unkle_K/status/774256517793153024?s=09

    But the most interesting part comes when a fellow platoon member is being bullied and called Bob (meaning Bobrisky) in a condescending manner. I know how this feels, and this manner of toxicity irks us to no end. We decide to fight for him/talk to him at the end of everything. 

    His name is G., and contrary to what we think, he is actually tough and able to defend himself. From him, I learn (again) that not obviously reacting to whatever people do to you will show them that you’re not bothered. It is different from taking offence which will show them that they are definitely hitting home with you.

    And believe me, G. is full of life, full of light. He is the life of the party. And I like this kind of energy instantly. The field empties and we’re all still talking, happy, getting to know eachother. B, the girl I may or may not have a crush on wants me to meet her friend O. who is also my friend and bunk person. O. introduces us to R., and we introduce him to G. The atmosphere is full of all round love and we’re all kumbaya-ing when I realise that someone, we’re all connected and NYSC is the thing that brings that connection to life.

    I remember that B. finished from Babcock. G., from Kwara State University. Me, from University of Ilorin. And I realise how true it is that NYSC is a place to meet different people from different schools and different worlds.

  • The Health Worker Chasing Enjoyment And The Abroad

    Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

    The subject in this story had his started out in lab coats as a Health Sciences student, but now he seems to have a keen interest in Data Sciences. One thing stays consistent though, his love for enjoyment.


    Tell me about the first work you did for money. 

    JSS 2. Technical drawing class. I used to charge people because they didn’t know how to use compasses. My classmates would go out on break, and I’d make ₦1200 for 6 technical drawings. Then I’d buy ₦100 rice and uncountable meat. Add Tampico. 

    Hahaha.

    Ah, I still sabi book that year o. This was 2006 – I was 11. But the very first hard work I did for money was about a year later. I was on holiday at my uncle’s house, and he wanted to fix his gutters. So he asked my sibling and I if we wanted to make money and we were like yeaah yeah!

    Ginger!

    That’s how we started carrying cement and mixing. And after all the work, he gave us money, I looked at it and asked, “What is this?”

    How much?

    ₦500. My uncle gave me ₦500 to carry cement for 6 hours in the sun. Inside life. Maybe that’s when I knew I had to stay in school and not become a bricklayer. I didn’t do any work till I entered 200-level. Someone reached out for a job in a startup.

    Tell me about that. 

    They wanted me to write product descriptions for listings on their website. The goal was to write 10 per day, at ₦100 per description. I did 10 on weekdays, which summed up to ₦20k a month. 

    But I also had school to worry about – tight deadlines, long reading nights, making class attendance so I could write exams. 

    I started chasing money, and school work suffered. The problem was that I was not even making my ₦20k per month, more like ₦18k, ₦15k,₦10k. It got tiring. Really nice people, but the job was monotonous. I think I was just excited that someone was paying me to write. 

    I get you.

    Then the “500 words for ₦10k” jobs started coming. The company managing the product website upgraded my deal. They starting paying ₦40k per month. 

    See, my friends thought of me as the rich kid o. 

    Why?

    Because whenever my ₦40k landed, ground dey full. You would see me shopping for provisions. See, I had this idea: 

    “When you have money, chop it before you die, make next of kin no chop am.” The money also made me confident to borrow. One time, my phone broke, and I needed money, because that was what I was writing with. I asked my sibling for money – and got a ₦60k loan. 

    “Are you sure you’ll return it?” I was like relaxxxx, I’ll pay back. I did. 

    How did your sibling have money? Work?

    Scholarships. That one faced books squarely. Anyway, I was living fast! I didn’t go home frequently, and my dad was like, if you don’t come back home, I’m not going to give you allowance!

    In my head, I was like, who do you think you’re talking to?

    Hahaha, what?

    At this time sef, he had already cut our allowance to ₦20k per month from ₦42k. At some point, he read me a proper Riot Act, then sent me money. I think he was suspecting that I’d started earning. 

    When my dad slashed my allowance, I had to double up on looking for money. You know when they say people go to school and lose their way. 

    Yeah?

    Na me them dey talk about bro. To make it harder for me, my sibling was best in class. My dad wasn’t checking our G.P.A and all that. His own was, “Once your 5 years is over, I’ll stop giving you money.” 

    Anyway, in 400-level, I had to be serious so I could graduate – all books, no work. I had to survive on my allowance. I cut out all my excesses. I used to dry clean my shirts, but I had to start handwashing. 

    My dry cleaner would be like, “I haven’t seen you in a while.” 

    Don’t see me please. 

    When people saw my results, they were like woooow, so you sabi book?  Soft. 

    I knew that my dad would make my life miserable if I had an extra year. I had already collected ₦100k from him for project, and he had told me that was the last money he was giving me. Recession had started to affect his businesses so the guy was austere. 

    2016? 

    Yeah. I wanted to buy something on ASOS at $1/150, then I decided to chill small. Had I known.

    All of us man. So, what happened after school?

    In January 2016, I moved from school back home. My dad came to pick me. I remember that my dad was just smiling as he and my sibling packed everything into the car. Welcome to reality. 

    In a hostel, we had 24/7 light, water, accessible ATMs etc. On my first night back home, there was no power —  no generator? I went to meet my dad. He said, “If you have money for petrol, put it on.” 

    That’s when I knew.

    My money kept reducing. When I hit my last 2k, I knew I had to get a job.  I got a job in a lab – Mondays to Saturdays. Guess how much they were paying 

    How much? 

    ₦40,000. It was a small and new lab, so I had to do everything, from turning on the generator to settling fights between couples arguing over who gave who an STD.  

    I was counselor, gateman and therapist. I used to get home 10-11pm, because of work. 

    My running costs – transport and food – was ₦23k. So I had ₦17k left. And because “fresh outta school now” you and your friends want to link up and everything, that’s 5 or 6k. Internet also took money. So I had next to nothing left. It was like I was chasing a cycle, and my spare was in case of emergency. And there was always an emergency.

    Standard 

    I did that job for three months and I realised I couldn’t continue. I didn’t have money and I was working my life out. But my boss was like the most amazing person. We still keep in touch. He too knew that the money was shit. But na condition make crayfish bend.

    I get that. 

    Remember that company website I was working for? My line manager moved to another startup and they were hiring. I went for the interview and got hired. It was an internship role, but I was so excited – so excited I didn’t ask how much.

    It will end in –

    – Tears. It was ₦55k, but I didn’t even mind. I did get a raise to ₦80k though.

    In all this time, I was applying for my professional internship to properly get certified and all that. 
    I really loved working at the startup, but I had to resign towards the end of 2017. Then I became super broke

    Did you have any savings?

    While I was working at the startup, I took a loan to buy a laptop. I had to repay that over the next few months, so I couldn’t save. Also, I couldn’t ask my dad for money. 

    Are you still like that? 

    Yes. I’ll rather die than ask him. He’s the kind of person that if he does something for you, he requires you to do certain favours. 

    He’ll always bring up how he did this and that for you. So I already promised not to ask him. That month was brutal I used to take ₦150 bike to go see my babe before. Omo, I started walking. 

    My babe was very supportive. She used to sense that I was cranky. So sometimes she’d randomly send me some change and buy me stuff, like airtime or pizza.

    She could smell the brokeness my guy. 

    Guy, the odour was potent. I knew all the cheap data plans. All the ₦500 for 1GB plans. All I was doing was sleeping or trekking if I had to go somewhere. 

    Anyway, it all lasted for one month. And then I resumed at my internship. Then there was another problem. I didn’t have clothes – I hadn’t bought those for over a year. So I went back to my one true saviour, my sibling. And I promised him that I was going to be more sensible with money. My clothes got paid for, and we created a repayment plan. 

    That Red October was good for me, because I entered my Internship with red-eyed discipline. My net salary was ₦127k. I told myself I was going to have ₦1 million in savings by the end of the Internship. I’m saving up for when it’s time to start chasing Permanent Residence in the Abroad. 

    That’s steep. 

    My target was to save ₦90k every month for a year. I remember they didn’t pay me for like the first 3 months, because of government. But man was already used to suffering. So when they paid everything all my guys were going to buy phones. I first transferred ₦180k to one account that had no debit card or Internet banking. I bought stuff for my folks. 

    In the end, I had ₦20k left. I started trying to make money on the side – like the old days. And I could earn enough to help me save my entire salary on some months. 

    That’s impressive.

    But you see the thing with money. When you start to enjoy, you go forget say you don suffer. So after the first four months, I told my self guy you can’t kill yourself. Have you not tried?! So I started to buy expensive wristwatches, expensive perfumes, my babe did birthday too, I spent money!

    Hahaha, noooo!

    I kept on buying randomly and I ended up spending ₦60k. I look everything wey the babe don do. This babe follow me when I dey trek. 

    Like she’ll be like is it not enough. I’ll be like you no say money no be problem hahaha. 

    I didn’t save in that month. 

    After two more months, I was like guy no spend this thing finish – NYSC was coming and I didn’t want to carry last. In the end, I missed my millon naira target by ₦122k.

    But you see, I had money in my account, but I wasn’t happy with my life. Imagine having all that money and your phone is bad. 

    So, NYSC?

    Yeah, I shopped for camp and everything. That was like 40k. Because deep down I don’t like suffering, I took ₦63k for camp I used to eat pancakes with syrup and eggs, sausages, and chicken. 

    In fact, I had only ₦3k by the time I received my first NYSC allowance. This was 2018.

    I left camp in November. I had to change my PPA because I was trying to get an NGO, instead, I landed in a Government Hospital – ₦43k.

    One woman there was saying, “Don’t be chasing money. It’s a learning experience.” In my mind I was like, people that learn with money do they have two heads?

    Hahaha. 

    My first month there shocked them. I was always the first person to get to work. The next person always came 1 hour 30 minutes later. So I’m always manning the lab from 8-10:30 am. And it’s a fucking general hospital. I’m always overworked.

    It’s interesting, going from a startup to civil service.

    It’s like a crash landing. Startups require a level of commitment to work ethic. Startups tend to be understaffed, so when you’re not pulling your own weight, it’ll show. But Civil Service, I’m doing the barest minimum and they think I have a work ethic. 

    I’ll get to work at 7:50am. I’ll not leave till like 5. I’ll attend to every patient. I’ll go out of my way for patients to go and meet doctors. 

    At the startup, the fact that I knew there were performance reviews made me step up. Things that would have been difficult for me to know, I learned. And the six months I spent there had actually transformed my life. The kind of people that I’ve met. The way I handle a lot of things. If I had not passed through then I would be thinking of opening a community lab or pharmacy or hospital. I wouldn’t be able to dream big. I learned there that if you’re too comfortable where you are, you won’t gbe body.

    I’ve not expended half of the energy from where I’m coming. My bosses at work are always like oh my God. He’s so hard working, he’s so principled. Oops! 

    My head o.

    If I don’t do that barest minimum, I’ll die from boredom. Patients will be saying they’ve not seen anybody like you.

    Because it takes nothing. At my other place I used to work like 8 till 5. But it felt like 8 till next year. 

    Now I’m working 8 till 4. And the work is mostly muscle memory. If I don’t take time to exercise my brain, trouble. 

    What’s your current running cost? 

    I get paid about ₦43k. NYSC pays me ₦19,800 so I save ₦35k to my Japa funds. I live on ₦29k. I’m living in my dad’s house. So I’m not paying rent, and I don’t eat out very much. Data is my big expense.. And my girlfriend is considerably understanding. We go for outings like once in 3months. 

    Same babe? 

    Same babe my man. We’ll marry.

    What’s something you really want right now but you can’t afford? 

    Permanent residency in the Abroad – okay that’s taking it far. I want to pivot into the data sciences after Nysc. And I can’t keep doing free courses – one course I want to take, for example, costs $200. My funds are limited. Let me tell you why I bought phone too. 

    Oya

    I went to donate blood in January 2019. I had donated blood six times before but on that seventh time, I almost fainted. I’ve never fainted in my life. 

    Why? 

    I don’t know. That’s the first time it happened to me. So they had to rush me back, and I had to do something where I’ll put my head down and put my legs up. In that moment, I had an epiphany. I had a fucking epiphany. 

    Hahaha.

    Na so person go just die, next thing, next of kin will collect all my savings. As they released me from that place, I just went to buy an internet modem. The next day I called a phone seller. He told me the price of the phone I wanted and I told him, “Guy, I’m coming. Don’t close your shop.”

    How much?

    ₦250k. I felt light after but, I kept on repeating eyan le ku any fucking time. At this point, I had only ₦500k left in savings. 

    Also, random, in as much as my babe is understanding, I try to do nice things for her. 

    Yeah 

    Also, from time to time, I do stuff for the people around me. 

    It’s kind of nerve-wracking, the longer I stay in Nigeria, the more I’ll deplete my savings. The more life will happen. Maybe I’ll want to move out, pay for rent. 

    Then I’ll now be telling my children ah! You guys would have been Canadian citizens. 

    I see the guys in Civil Service, 15-20 years of service. I see their pay slip. I know it’s emotionally draining for me because of my work ethic. 

    I’m always the one that goes the extra mile for mothers and their children. I help them chase doctors. Every other person is always like oh he’ll do it. So at the end of the work day, I feel very emotionally drained and still broke. 

    You know how they say empathy kills. It drains me.

    Empathy is draining.

    You’re seeing poor people. At the General Hospital, you’ll see things that’ll baffle you. I once saw a woman who was diabetic, and she had neuropathic pain. Pain from her waist down, and it was stinging. 

    They were supposed to give her an injection that cost ₦50. And this woman could not afford ₦50. She was crying The problem with having a lean budget is that you’re always with your last card till payday. But that day I thought, this woman doesn’t have any money anywhere, I have ₦500k somewhere.

    I had like ₦150 because that money takes me home, while she still had to buy other drugs. So we just crowdfunded. I first bought her the injection, and we bought her other stuff. 

    Man. 

    The thing is, it’s not a one-off. It’s recurring. I’ve lost count of the times it’s happened. You’ll see people that can’t afford the most basic things. It’s tough, trying to save people when I am not centred enough. 

    Like trying to save drowning people from a sinking boat. 

    Argh. I sent someone my last ₦2k. ₦2k will solve the immediate problems of someone who has no money. On the other hand, I’m looking for ₦1 million.

    2019 is showing me pepper, but it doesn’t feel as tough as 2017, because I have money, even though I try not to look at it as my money. But knowing it’s there makes me feel better, a safety net. 

    Let’s talk about Financial Happiness. 

    I think I’m unhappy because Nigeria is making me unhappy and I’m trying to leave. If I had no plans to leave, I think I’d be happier, even if I earned ₦60-something-k. But all my money and energy is pivoted towards leaving. 

    I’m not poor, I’m just broke a lot. Because I want to go to Canada. 

    So, I don’t think I’m sad because of my finances. If all else fails, I know I can go and beg my father. If I ask him for money now, he’ll give me. But you know what? I’d rather die. Maybe, in the end, all my strong head is just because I want to outdo him.


  • Still Fighting For Her Future at ₦60k/month

    Every week, we ask anonymous people to give us a window into their relationship with the Naira – their secret Naira Life.

    When was the first time you earned money?

    A scholarship when I was in 100-level. The money wasn’t coming to me – it was going to my dad’s account – but it was in my name. That’s the first money that’s ever come in my name. 220k a year.

    But besides that, I didn’t make any money in Uni or anything like that. No businesses and all that.

    But my first salary was in NYSC – ₦9,775 – in 2009. Then the state I served was paying us ₦40k quarterly.

    After NYSC, I travelled for Masters and so I was also working. This was 2012. My first job was paying £7/hour and I worked and I worked 8 hours a day – 40 hours per week. I was a cold-caller at a Utility company. Also, students were restricted to 40 hours a week. I changed jobs twice after, but by the time I was coming to Nigeria, I had about £3,000 in cash. I already invested £1,200 of the money in Nigerian stocks, mostly oil company stocks.

    Why did you come back?

    Marriage noni. I actually proposed not coming back, but my fiancee didn’t want to relocate. My family was like “Oh come back, don’t worry you’ll get this and that.” So I came back.

    Marriage plans kicked off immediately. I think only the bridesmaids’ dresses and my wedding gowns. But I really didn’t have to spend much. My family paid for the whole thing.

    After marriage, I was just chilling and getting into the job hunt vibe, then one morning, two things happened.

    What?

    I got an email from an auditing firm – one of the biggest in the world – emailed But then, something else popped.

    Whatttt?

    Bẹlẹ́. I found out I was pregnant. I really wanted to continue with the application, but when these guys interview you, there’s always the screening exercise where you run all kinds of tests. The tests were definitely going to come back with a positive for pregnancy. So I just let it go.

    Also, there was some comfort in the fact that I hadn’t exactly run out of my small stash of money, so I focused on carrying my baby full term. The baby came in 2015. When my baby came, I wanted to give the baby some time before going back to job hunting.

    I committed the next year and a half, and so I started job hunting in mid-2016 again. Then the recession hit.

    What was your biggest struggle at this point?

    First, I was doing the usual blind applications online, sending in CVs and all. My partner hustled for jobs and opportunities too. The ones that invited me for interview were like, “you’re married. How are you going to manage both? Will your husband be comfortable with late nights?”

    Tragic. How were you getting money to get by all this time?

    I was throwing the little money I had into a bunch of things. I invested in a family member’s poultry farm that brought in some stipends. For every ₦200k I invested, I got a profit of ₦80k in 4 months. Then allowances from my partner.

    I tried experimenting in stuff. For example. I started helping small businesses with their bookkeeping and projections. Only 3 gigs came that year, 2016, and they were at ₦30k each. I tried starting a business to keep busy, but the margins weren’t good enough to earn anything from it. It really was just to keep me busy.

    2017 was a drought for me. There was this company – a small financial services company – they hired me on a contract basis. So I only got paid when there was work, but I really just wanted the experience. There was a lot of free time, and I was like, “might as well drop another baby since I’m at home.”

    Another one.

    I kind of knew how many children I wanted to have, so might as well. I went on to have my second baby in 2018. Some months after my second baby, I got a fulltime job now paying ₦60k.

    What’s happened to your perspective between 2014 and now?

    Not like marriage is bad, but growth might be harder when you have to carry people along, somehow. If I wasn’t married I wouldn’t have had a child. If I didn’t have a child, I’ll most likely be earning more.

    The job market, especially at entry level, has a prejudice against married women and mothers because they assume you’ll be making excuses for family and all that.

    That period also showed me that I’m not a “buying and selling” person. I’d rather spend my time providing services. There’s also the part that I grew up really comfortable – there was always money. But you see this period? I learned frugality.

    Let’s break down that monthly ₦60k.

    First, because I’ve started working, I’m having to restock on work clothes. My partner provides for most of the big bill needs, but he still gives me money for the kids’ care. He pulls in all his weight, but to be honest, baby care money is never enough.

    Then there are small debts from when I didn’t have a job. Transport is cheap because my workplace is not too far from where I live, so it’s almost negligible.

    How much money do you feel like you should be earning right now?

    Hahaha. ₦400k, at the very least. And that’s because of the experience I would have gained between then and now. Plus the qualifications I now have – ICAN.

    Okay, realistically how much money is good money right now?

    As per Frugal Master now, I’ll have enough to meet my needs and have enough to save at ₦200k.

    What’s something you want but can’t afford?

    A good phone, a powerful computer, and a good watch.

    Do you have a pension?

    Hahaha. Pension ko, pension ni. The company I work at is really small. To be honest, they can’t even afford it.

    What’s the last thing you paid for that require serious planning?

    My ICAN induction. I had to plan for that ₦100k because it’s not like I had any money at the time. Also, I’m currently paying for graphic design classes – ₦70k.

    Design?

    Yeah. I love design, video games, animation and all of that. I’ve been enthusiastic about them for as long as I can remember. When I was Abroad, I spent a lot of my money on buying game CDs – GTA V, Far Cry, God of War, Assassins Creed, Driver, etc.

    Anyway, paying for it took a big hit on my finances.

    Sounds like an important investment. Tell me about your other investments.

    I invested in stocks, and although it made some decent dividends, it took a hit in 2016 during the recession. At some point, I had to liquidate the stocks for an emergency.

    Also, there’s that farm that the family member has. But Oga farmer is no longer receiving outside investment. So I have no active monetary investments.

    What’s the most annoying miscellaneous you paid for recently?

    A bridal shower. Ugh. It was ₦10k, but that money was unexpected at the time.

    Do you have an emergency plan for health and all that stuff?

    My father. My father is my 9-1-1. I mean, my partner always comes through, but I can also be sure of my father.

    What’s the scale of your happiness looking like right now?

    7/10, and it’s mostly because of my kids. They’re the reason I still keep fighting and pushing to be better. They are the reason all those years don’t feel wasted.

    What do you think you’d have done differently about the last few years?

    I’ll use protection, first of all. I don’t regret my first child, but I’d have conceived that baby much later when I’m already working. In fact, this is the order I would have done it; get a job, then marry, then have kids.

    Still grateful.


  • The Hopeful Corps Member Earning ₦55k/Month

    If you’ve been reading this every Monday, you know the drill at this point. If you haven’t, now you know that Zikoko talks to anonymous people every week about their relationship with the Naira.

    Sometimes, it will be boujee, other times, it will be struggle-ish. But all the time–it’ll be revealing.

    What you should know about the guy in this story: He’s a 23-year-old Youth Corps member working at a decent place of primary assignment in Lagos.


    When was the first time you made money?

    I was in SS1, and a day student too, so I used to sell noodles. This is how it worked; boarding students were getting served horrible food, so selling a better alternative to them meant an instant hit.

    I’d wake up early – like 5am – prepare the noodles based on orders I’d received. Then take everything to school. I was fulfilling a real need, so it wasn’t hard to charge them ₦500 per plate.

    In SS2, PTDF – that Petroleum Technology Development Fund thing – they donated computers to my school, about 100 of them. Bu you know what was crazy? The school wasn’t allowing us use them, something about us not being tech-savvy or so we don’t spoil them. They literally just locked them up like they were furniture.

    So imagine that one day, we’re all just chilling in the hostel, me and my friends, and someone just said, “what if we took these parts of the computers from the lab, you know, the ones easy to replace. And then we sold them?”

    And that’s how we started, we managed to get the key from the prefect in charge of where the computers were kept, then we’d sneak in, take a couple of things, a hard drive here, a mouse there, etc. Then we’d sell them at the side of town where everyone went for the computer parts and Tokunbo phones. There were about four of us, but any time we sold anything we used to get over ₦30k, then we’d split it.

    In typical fashion, the others boys found out in the hostel, and it became an absolute mess. They were moving entire computer monitors and stuff.

    That is absolutely crazy.

    You know what was even crazier? The school had external visitors, and in typical fashion, they wanted to “show off the computers to being used to prepare for our digital future.” A madness. Then they just opened the lab, and bam, missing computers here and there.

    We never got found out.

    What would have happened if they caught you guys?

    Expulsion, most likely. There was always the fear of getting caught, but the money kinda balanced out that fear. That time, I’d just jump the school fence and go deposit it in my Kiddies Bank Account – I already had a bank account then.

    How old were you?

    16 – a proper Juvenile Delinquent.

    Anyway, it was a mostly dry patch after that. I tried out buying and selling stuff, like clothes. That’s when I realised that this version of buying and selling, where I didn’t create the product, sucked.

    I started writing, and learning graphics, and getting paid to do them, but the gigs were far too few and far in between for it to be called a real gig.

    Then my allowance from home got sparser and sparser – my folks were having money struggles – and I had to do something about it. So I had this friend who was cashing out like mad selling weed – Loud specifically.

    I invested ₦35k that should get you a quarter ounce, and you know how much I got back in 2 weeks? ₦50k – that’s a 43% return on investment. I threw more money in, and that’s how I survived my final year in school, mostly feeding off dividends.

    You were trafficking drugs?

    Basically. I mean, I dunno what the constitution says about that, but I know if you get caught, you’re going to pay.

    I wasn’t directly in contact with any clientele, because I really was just an investor, but the market was mostly working class people and anyone who could pay. Students couldn’t afford to pay ₦5k for a bag.

    When I was leaving school, I exited at ₦200k. But in total, I think I made up to half a million in like 11 months. The money never came in chunks, except for when I exited.

    Then post-school, I reconnected with a previously distant relative, who kind of stepped up, and the random cash boosts were helpful. But it wasn’t consistent, and you don’t want to depend on that kind of money.

    What was your solution?

    Finding multiple streams of income. I even tried to secure posting to some company that was willing to pay ₦80k, but it didn’t work out.

    Currently, money just comes from NYSC and my place of primary assignment. I’m trying to figure shit out while trying not to get screwed over with the law or something.

    How much do you get in a month currently?

    I get up to 55k now every month – enough for a few Uber trips, transport and food.

    What’s the most interesting NYSC season has taught you about money?

    Everybody lies about money. Parents lie about money. Friends lie about money. NYSC people lie about money – a corper told me he was getting ₦100k. It’s not impossible to earn that, but I found out that it was a lie. Like, he had no reason to lie, yet he did. Guys at work will never tell you how much they earn. Also, everyone seems to be living beyond their means.

    Looking at your skillset, how much do you feel like you should be earning right now?

    I feel like I should be earning between 100 and ₦150k. But getting good money right now, that would be about ₦3 million a year. Still, this number will not help me pay rent where I’d like to live. I won’t be able to consistently handle family emergencies when they come up, because they will come up.

    What’s your unpopular opinion about money?

    Money is amoral. I understand the importance of money – don’t get me wrong – but people try to moralise money. Like, this is how you should earn etc, and I don’t get it. As long as I’m not hurting anybody, I don’t see a problem with the method.

    It’s why I never dabbled into Internet fraud – I was surrounded by it in school – but you literally had to take money from someone who wasn’t willing to give you by manipulation. That’s fraud.

    Also, I now realise that money really is the biggest motivator. If you pay people, they just tend to act right.

    How much do you imagine you’ll be earning in like 5 years?

    I was on Complex.com the other day and they pay about $2,500 monthly to their writers. So if I’m earning that, using today’s estimates, I’ll say I’ve done pretty well with the piece-of-shit degree that means nothing to me.

    Forget the 5-year question, where do you imagine you’ll be financially in 30 years.

    30 years might be too much for me, my imagination tends to run wild. But 10 years, I feel like I would have figured out a lot of it, not all of it. Wherever I’m at, I’m just going to try to be content. Because it’s not about how much you earn, but how happy you are with it – or some shit like that.

    If you can’t think about 30 years now, then you clearly haven’t thought about a pension.

    Nope. I’ve never really seen myself as someone that would need a pension. I just feel like if in 30 years, I can’t afford the life I need, maybe I didn’t do life right.

    What’s something you really want right now but can’t afford?

    A very long list of tech that keeps getting longer. Mainly a good Mac, a Sony mirrorless camera, GoPros, etc.

    What’s the last you paid for that required serious planning?

    A website. Setting it up cost me roughly ₦50k.

    What about the most annoying miscellaneous you’ve had to pay for?

    Apple Music. Paying for music. Like, I miss 2006. You download music now and everybody thinks you’re archaic. But that’s just the way things are now.

    Do you have an emergency plan for when you fall sick and –

    – I’m fucked. That’s probably why I never fall sick. Life is very much in limbo right now. But I’m working on plans to prepare an emergency fund. Maybe in a small buying and selling-ish business.

    Do you feel like NYSC is a financial hindrance for you or…?

    Not really. I needed time off. I was burned out after University. Even if there was no NYSC, I might have had a gap year or something. I just needed a break from chasing and all of that.

    Sometimes, I wish I didn’t even get a job, but then I can’t complain. I have job experience – valuable business development experience.

    NYSC is ending in less than a year, what’s the money thing looking like?

    I’ve not even really planned everything to the letter, to be honest. But the best case scenario is that I get retained at my current place of primary assignment. That might give me up to 150k for a starting salary. Do that for a year or two, then I go back to school to get another degree.

    The goal is to attempt to grow my income enough to cater for two people at the minimum. Not because I intend to become the sole provider or anything, but as a personal target. I just want to be able to help out. I’ll consider it a successful three years if I can go to school and juggle work.

    Worst case scenario, none of this happens, and I end up looking for a job. Or find a small gig, while doing stuff I truly give a shit about on my own time.

    Despite all of this, how would you rate your happiness levels?

    I’ve never really been the happiest person. But I’m alive sha, I don’t worry a lot.

    I’m trying to enjoy the impermanence of my situation, and not think too much about it.


    Check back every Monday at 9 am (WAT) for a peek into the Naira Life of everyday people.

    But, if you want to get the next story before everyone else, with extra sauce and ‘deleted scenes’ hit the subscribe button. It only takes a minute.

    Also, you can find every story in this series here.

  • All The Things That Happen Between The End Of NYSC And Your First Job

    So, you just got done with your service year in the NYSC. You’re at your Passing Out Parade, taking pictures with all the friends you’ve made in the last year. Friends that you might never see again because you all live at opposite sides of the country, and visiting them would seem like the journey from the Shire to Mordor.

     

    But that’s not even the focus here.

     

    Now the time has come to dive headfirst into the “real world” to look for a job that pays well enough for you to not have to moonlight as a stripper. But this is Nigeria. The job market is a mess, which means that there most likely will be some time (give or take, a few months) between the end of NYSC and when you get your first job that’s going to feel a lot like limbo.

     

    That’s the period we’re here to talk about.

    There will come a time when you’ll need money to survive.

    You managed to save a substantial amount of money from the N19,800  allowee. (A paltry amount). Post-NYSC, it’ll last for some time while you run around looking for a job, but eventually, it’ll run out. You’ll have mini-panic attacks whenever your bank sends your end-of-month account statement because it serves as a reminder that it’s only a matter of time before you have to ask your parents for money.

    You’ll eventually start getting invited for job interviews.

    Which of course means that you’ll have to invest in some professional interview attire (suits, blazers, shoes etc). Basically, you have to look like this when arriving for any job interview:

    Even if the company isn’t about the corporate life, dress like this still. Because “dress how you want to be addressed” or whatever. These things cost (a lot of) money, though. Then there are transport costs for all the running around you’ll be doing. You start soliciting for funds left and right.

    After multiple interviews spread out over the course of a few months, you finally get a job offer.

    And you accept! Which of course means you’ll need even more money. For what you ask? Well, now that you’ve gotten the job, you’re going to need more clothes, transport money, a computer (for if the office doesn’t offer one), food etc. And seeing as most companies don’t give salary advances, you’re on your own for that first month.

     

    Then you’re informed that there’s a professional certificate you have to have before you can legally work in the field you’ve gotten a job in. Your new employers are sympathetic and give you one month to get it or they’ll have no choice but to let you go. The course takes 2 weeks of night classes so you have the time, but it also costs 80,000 naira. More costs.

     

    That’s a thing no one tells you. Getting a job automatically means you’ll have to spend money. Think of it like your back-to-school preparations in secondary school, but for the workplace.

    However, what if we told you that there’s a way to make sure your limbo period isn’t as hard as the scenario we just described?

     

    Say hello to Branch App.

    The Branch App is one of the leading loan apps in Nigeria and has given out over 1 billion naira in loans in just over a year of operations. Branch App makes it easy for anyone with a smartphone to access affordable loans, anytime anywhere. Branch doesn’t require filling long forms, bringing a guarantor, or signing a signature. They don’t even need to see your face.

     

    All you have to is download the app from your app store and you immediately have access to loans of up to N200,000. If you want to know more about the app, click here.

    In the immortal words of Wizkid, don’t dull.

  • Welcome to this Episode of “This is Nigeria”. Today, we would be placing our focus on our Minister of Finance.

    Mrs. Kemi Adeosun

    For those who aren’t Nigerians. Let me quickly explain something to you. There is a program called NYSC.

    National Youth Service Corps (NYSC)

    In Nigeria, after your university education, it is mandatory that you serve your country through this said program.

    Without doing this program, you won’t be qualified to get a job or run for political posts.

    Now, let me give you a brief history on our Minister of Finance just before we connect the dots to this story.

    She went to school in the Polytechnic of East London where she graduated at the age of 22.

    She didn’t move back to Nigeria immediately, so obviously she couldn’t serve her country immediately.

    Oh, I forgot to mention that as long as you graduate before 30 you are mandated to serve at any time.

    She got a job after graduating and changed jobs over 5 times from 1989 when she graduated up until 2000.

    Wow, she must be really hardworking.

    She moved back to Nigeria in 2002 when she got offered a job in a private company. Finally, she gets a chance to serve her fatherland.

    But no, she came back and didn’t partake in the program.

    Her career skyrocketed to the point where she became Nigeria’s Minister of Finance.

    Such goals!

    Nigerians have ears everywhere and know everything. I promise you. Because they were able to dig out the fact that Mrs. Adeosun never served Nigeria.

    But she is serving as the Minister of Finance? How?

    For some reason, she has a certificate. And a lot of people have come to the conclusion that its a fake one.

    At least until Mrs. Kemi can prove otherwise.

    Its very important to talk about it because the average Nigerian can’t get a job without having done NYSC.

    And you can even face jail time for not participating in this program. It’s that important.

    With all of this in mind, I just want you to know that there is a high possibility our Minister of Finance did not serve her fatherland.

    But no worries, once she speaks up about it. I’d let you know.
  • You’ll never be exposed to a crowd of people as diverse as those you’ll meet in NYSC camp. Although the living conditions are appalling these people almost make the whole experience worth it.

    There are the ones who just came back from the overseas and will start stressing everybody with ‘that’s not how we did thing in the States’ and accent.

    Even the ones who went to Cotonou will have British accent.

    There are the ones who were only interested in getting exeat so that they could go home.

    They didn’t come to suffer with you commoners.

    The ones who just came to drink their destinies away at mammy market.

    But on a serious note, they might have actually needed professional help.

    Then there were the ones who belonged to the school of hard knacks and only came to have as much sex as they could.

    It’s just three weeks, it’s that how the konji is doing you?

    The ITKs that were always volunteering for everything.

    They didn’t rest until they became platoon leader.

    The ‘do you know who my father is’ people?

    If you don’t geddifok out of here.

    The ones who were somehow so excited to be in camp.

    Have you seen the toilets? What’s making you happy?

    We can’t leave out all those promise and fail soldiers.

    The ones that’ll tell you don’t worry if you march well you’ll get posted to the capital and you ended up getting posted to a village without light.

    The ones who were only there for the food.

    All the food sellers at mammy market knew them.

    The ones you are pretty sure were old enough to have been in the first ever batch of NYSC.

    They might have even been your father’s age mate.

    The ones whose life mission was to never step foot on the parade ground.

    They did whatever it took and were always in the clinic.

    There was the friendly soldier everyone liked.

    They didn’t have any wahala.

    And the one who was only interested in making people miserable.

    But who offended you?

    The ones who came to camp to find love.

    And they found it o.

    The ones who secured their exeat with doctor’s report as soon as they stepped foot into the camp.

    Only you asthma, cancer, bronchitis and HIV. Take your wahala and go.

    So who did we leave out and which one were you?

  • If you are about to start NYSC or you’ve even started already we know you’ve probably heard a ton about how the whole program works. But there are some things nobody will tell you, and we are here to help you out.

    All the Uncles and Aunties that told you to wait for NYSC to finish before you bring your C.V. will suddenly disappear.

    It’s only God that can judge them.

    Don’t die on the line trying to get Lagos, have you seen Ibadan or Abeokuta?

    At least there is no traffic there.

    If they tell you to come at 8 a.m for anything that means you should come at 12 p.m

    Don’t waste your precious time.

    It’ll frustrate you like everything else in Nigeria is designed to do but it’s really not a bad experience.

    If you are lucky you’ll get retained at your PPA.

    If you get posted to an unfamiliar state just stay there and explore a different culture.

    Are you not tired of seeing yellow buses and Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge? You want to spend your whole life in Lagos that’s why you think there are only three tribes in Nigeria.

    Don’t let anyone you don’t know collect money from you to ‘work’ anything.

    All those ones that’ll tell you not to go for monthly clearance that they’ll help you work it, you’ll be there looking when your mates are passing out.

    Camp is a pretty great place for you to meet people that can epp your life.

    Better don’t dull it.

    The khaki they’ll give you is not loyal any small rough play and the thing will tear and disgrace you.

    So you better sew a backup at mammy market before you leave camp.

    And finally when it’s all done you’ll actually miss it a little bit.

    At least you were collecting 19,800 every month instead of sitting at home.
  • 13 Things About CDS People who Have Done NYSC Know To Be True

    1. So it’s another CDS day.

    Sigh.

    2. And that’s means only one thing, NO WORK!!!

    YASSS!

    3. But then you remember you have to attend CDS meeting by 8am.

    Why??

    4. And it also means you have to put on that wretched khaki and white tennis shoes.

    Wahala.

    5. How people shout ‘KOPA WEE’, when they see you on the way to CDS.

    “AJUWAYA”

    6. You, when they expect you to shout “WAA” back.

    Who is this one?

    7. How everyone looks at you when you get to the meeting late:

    SMH!

    8. You, when trying not to chop mouth when everyone else is reciting the NYSC anthem!

    Nobody gat time for that.

    9. When you have to recite the CDS anthem after the NYSC anthem.

    Stress.

    10. You, when they start asking for CDS dues.

    Bye!

    11. You, when the meeting commences and they start yarning opata.

    I’m sleep.

    12. You, when you hear, “Motion to adjourn the meeting”.

    Who wants to sleep here?

    13. When CDS closes early and you have the whole day to yourself.

    Lit!
  • 8 Real Things About NYSC Everyone Knows Too Well

    1. When you’re putting on Khaki and everybody starts shouting “KOPA”.

    2. One of the best things about NYSC.

    3. When you meet someone that doesn’t understand your language.

    https://twitter.com/TillyTillie/status/800820378377605120

    4. Even Ryan Reynolds is tired of the khaki life.

    5. When you hear about job recruitments in camp.

    https://twitter.com/UrbanCulture06/status/746778392679284736

    6. This one about the annoying CDS struggle.

    https://twitter.com/Keleccini/status/631377409447698432

    7. When it’s the end of the month and allowee has not entered your bank account.

    8. When your salary is 19k and you’re toasting people up and down.

    https://twitter.com/Kh0lz/status/662370690239176704
  • If You’ve Ever Fallen For That ‘Bring Your CV After NYSC’ Scam, This Is For You

    1. So you’ve just finished NYSC and your adulting has fully begun

    Yes o!

    2. And all your mates are running up and down trying to get a job

    Applying up and down!

    3. But you’re not really bothered because your uncle at NNPC told you to bring your CV after NYSC

    I’m not even bothered.

    4. And even your aunty at CBN has told you to put your mind at rest

    I’ve got zero worries!

    5. When you see your mates busy applying to banks up and down, you’re like

    2 or 3 jobs are already waiting for me sha!

    6. How you get yourself ready to see your uncles and aunts that have promised you the world

    Let me slay for them!

    7. How you give them plenty missed calls when they don’t want to pick up

    What’s happening here?

    8. You, when you go to their office and their secretary says they’re not around

    So whose car did I see outside?

    9. When you now try applying for other jobs but they’re all closed

    I have finished myself!

    10. You, when you see your mates going to work and you’re still jobless

    Take me with you now!

    11. When you see your aunties and uncles at family weddings, you’re like

    You people don’t kuku have shame.

    12. The next time a family member says you should bring your CV, you’re like

    I don’t want!