Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Nnanna: She was bosom friends with my youngest sisters. I remember them playing together a lot. Sometimes, after the holidays, my mum would put them in the same car, with all their boxes, to go to boarding school in the South-West. We grew up together because our fathers were friends and business partners, almost kin. We’re from neighbouring villages in Abi, Enugu State.

Stella: I remember him as a much older brother I couldn’t dare talk to. My own older brother was much younger than him.

I only ever saw him when I went to their house to visit his sisters. But they came to mine more often, so I only saw him a couple of times before I went off to university in 1984.

Did you become friends afterward?

Nnanna: No. I never really thought about her until my father started pressuring me to find a responsible girl to build my home for me. As soon as I turned 30, he decided it was time for me to settle and told me he knew the perfect woman to make me happy. He didn’t force the decision on me but asked me to trust that he could make the right choice for me based on his wide experience.

Stella: After graduating in 1988, I returned home and my own father called to speak with me. He told me one of his friend’s sons had asked to marry me. I laughed because me and my dad had such a cordial relationship. I didn’t think he was serious.

Later, my mother came to talk to me too. She convinced me that having someone older, more responsible and financially free, who was already ready to commit, was a lucky thing. I’d be safe from wasting away my youth testing the waters with boys who hadn’t even figured out their lives yet.

How did you feel about that, Stella?

Stella: I was stubborn for a short while because I didn’t like that the decision was made for me. But once I met him again after close to five years, and we talked, I saw my mother’s point. I was infatuated almost immediately.

How did things proceed from there?

Nnanna: From the very beginning, it was clear our fathers’ goal was to consolidate their businesses. My father had made similar “love matches” between my brothers and children of other business or political figures in his network. I didn’t mind it, but we also didn’t marry immediately because my heart wasn’t in it for the longest time. 

We courted for another three years before I told my father I was ready and we started the traditional proceedings.

Stella: I was happy to wait. I wanted to start my career without distraction from marriage or children. I was still in my early 20s and wanted to enjoy my singleness for a bit. I never really thought about love during this period because he always sent gifts and made other kind gestures. His constant effort made me believe I was always on his mind. 

I had fairytale wishes of passionate love thanks to our romance books those days, but my mum always made it clear to me and my sisters that those were unrealistic. She’d give us lectures about the “real world”, and those helped me endure a lot later on.

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What was it like during the traditional rites?

Stella: I remember being tired throughout. When we started with the introduction and house calls, I was excited. But he told me I was childish to be so excited. That deflated my initial energy. He grumbled about how unnecessary the whole thing was since we all knew each other.

Nnanna: What was the point of the introductions when our families were already so close? I knew all the ceremony we would have to engage in, so I just wanted to be done with it all.

Stella: Our families were all overjoyed. It was a perfect, long-awaited union in their books. But for me, it was the moment when I realised I didn’t know this man I was marrying at all. We’d barely said two sentences to each other in four years. 

I suddenly had a bad feeling about everything. I had no idea how I’d gotten there. 

I shared my misgivings with one of my sisters, and she convinced me it was just nerves. I didn’t have the nerve to tell my parents anything.

Did you try to talk to him, and how did you both get through this stage?

Stella: There was no opportunity to. The wedding period was this big dramatic affair that didn’t really leave much room for clear thought and conversation. Everyone was organising one thing or the other. My friends were with me. One of them said I should speak out if I wasn’t happy with everything. I don’t know if I’d have even known how to approach him to say, “I’m not doing again.” Why? I didn’t even know why.

Nnanna: In the midst of it all, I was constantly working. I helped my father with the family business — some miscellaneous retail stores around Enugu and Anambra — so I was figuring out logistics and meeting business partners. My head wasn’t even in the wedding at all. So I don’t know how I’d have reacted if she even came to tell me any of that. It was a much different time then than it is now.

Stella: After almost a month of all the customary rites, we had our traditional wedding and a church wedding a week later. I think the week between the traditional and church was when we got to talk and get to know each other. I know that sounds amazing after we had almost four years to court, right? 

It does

Stella: That’s because I wouldn’t even call that period “courtship”. We didn’t go on dates or communicate beyond the regular gifts, odd phone call or greetings through my father. I can’t explain it myself what we spent those four years doing. We somehow survived together on the strength of a promise our fathers made us make.

What was life like after the wedding?

Stella: Things moved rather quickly until I found myself with my first two sons and unhappy. He was married to work and business while I was extremely lonely.

Nnanna: As soon as we got married, I convinced her to stop working, and I think that was the worst mistake I could’ve ever made. That singular act turned both of us into the worst versions of ourselves. 

Why do you think you asked her to?

Nnanna: I thought it was my way of spoiling her. I didn’t want her to have to stress over anything.

Stella: But then, he looked down on me the longer I relied on him for everything. When he was stressed about cash flow, he’d take it out on me, throwing insults and being aggressive.
I had to ask for every little thing, and I didn’t like that. But when I realised I should get back to work, I was almost five years out of the job market with two kids and no idea how to get back in. 

The worst part was he was rarely home, so I had nothing to do with all the free time. Over time, I learnt to find communities in church and my old friends, have personal projects like writing or volunteering and participate in my children’s school activities. But those first five to ten years were difficult. 

Nnanna: I’ll admit I didn’t realise how hard it was for her until much later. I thought she was lucky to not have to struggle to get out of the house early and work late just to make enough money to afford our lifestyle.

Did you talk to him about these things?

Stella: I couldn’t talk to him. He had this cold, unapproachable exterior that’s warmed up a bit now that he’s older. I came into the marriage with way more respect for him than love, and that was extremely hard to outgrow. 

There were times when we slept in separate rooms for up to a year because he wanted his space.

Nnanna: I was under a lot of pressure business-wise, and I didn’t want the stress to affect her.

Stella: I thought he hated me. And when I went crying to my mother or elder sister, they’d tell me to grow a thicker skin. “This is adulthood. You’re an adult now.” Then I‘d feel ashamed for going to them.

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Did you figure things out on your own?

Stella: More or less. It took time. 

This was our reality for years, and we learnt to live with it. It took us growing older and asking ourselves, “Do we have anything between us to keep this marriage together?” This was in 2012, on our 20th wedding anniversary. The kids were all in boarding school, with our eldest in university, and we found that we had nothing to celebrate. 

Nnanna: I didn’t remember it was our 20th until my assistant mentioned it while making arrangements for gifts to send to Stella. She said, “Don’t you think you should take her out instead since this is the 20th?” I agreed and told her to make the arrangements. But some hours later, Stella called me upset.

Stella: First, why couldn’t he call me himself? Why send his assistant? I told him we had nothing to celebrate. I’m glad I acted on impulse because, for the first time in 20 years of marriage, we had a proper conversation about our relationship.

How did that go?

Nnanna: That night, we sat down in our room and talked. It wasn’t a long talk, but we committed to doing more things together. We talked about a small jewellery business she’d started on her own, and right away, I put money into it. We also started attending my club meetings together. 

Things didn’t change overnight, but with these small things we started doing, I’ve seen how it has improved the situation of things in our marriage.

In what ways? 

Stella: We’d grown apart over the first two decades. We led separate lives and only came together to perform our marital duties and talk about our children’s welfare. We ended up having six boys so that elongated the period of emotional separation. Imagine that he didn’t know I had a one-year-old jewellery business, and we lived under the same roof. 

We now talk to each other more often.

Nnanna: I think it also improved my tendency to “protect” her from things by keeping them away from her. I’m actually relieved when I can share my burdens with her now. Old age helps because as a young man, I had more ego. I didn’t want her to see me as weak or incapable of taking care of her or providing in any way. I wasn’t willing to realise that the pressure also made me treat her badly.

Stella: That’s true. There’s way less pressure on him now that he’s more or less retired.

Nnanna: And just like she said earlier, having six children put a strain on us physically, mentally and financially. We had to focus on raising them at the expense of our marriage like most good parents end up doing. I don’t regret making that sacrifice. But I regret having so many children that made us make that sacrifice for longer than we had to. 

This is not to say I don’t love each of my six young men equally.

Of course. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Stella: 7. We’re still building the love part, but we’ve come a long way after our shaky foundation.

Nnanna: Well said. I’m in agreement.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

RELATED: Love Life: Finances Were Tight But Love Makes You Creative

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Izzy: Saint Saviour’s High School in 2011. We were in SS 3, and I was our biology teacher’s favourite, so she’d send me to all the SS 3 classes to write her assignments on the board. In Jemima’s class, her friend would tease her saying her husband was here. I would just smile, do my work and leave. 

Jemima: I saw him a year before that. We went on an excursion to Silverbird Galleria in SS 2. He was jovial and talked to a lot of people. When we returned to school, and I needed to reach my mum, he offered me his phone to call her. I just thought, “This is a really nice person”.

Izzy: Oh, I remember that too. 

I transferred to the school in SS2. The first time I saw her and walked up to her, she just felt like home. She had this warm energy about her, and I wanted to do everything I could to help. But after that, we didn’t interact directly again. I’m not sure why.

When did you realise you liked each other?

Izzy: I attended a computer training school with my twin while applying to universities. Jemima joined the school at some point. She was still just a friend then, but I remember she used to dress very nice. She’s dark-skinned, and she’d wear all kinds of silver jewellery — necklaces, bracelets, whatever — that popped so well on her skin. It made her look very beautiful. Every day I saw her, I developed feelings, although we remained friends for many more years.

Jemima: At the computer school, there was a particular day I had to go to his house — we lived in the same area — to wait for my mum to get back from work. I was so tired I just sat with him and his twin in their sitting room as they were gisting. I don’t even remember what the conversation was about, but I loved how he spoke and reasoned. 

Izzy, why didn’t you just ask her out right away?

Izzy: Because we were friends already na, and that’s something too. It took about nine years before I even tried to go beyond that.

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Ah. So when did you both know you’d fallen in love?

Izzy: As friends, we saw each other a lot. I was always moving around the country for work, but she’d try to see me whenever I was in Lagos or Ibadan. If I were anywhere else, she’d always reach out. She was consistent with her approach. One day, I was at my best friend’s house in Ajah, and after work, she took an Uber to visit me. She came with catfish, so she made us pepper soup and then did some cleaning. She took responsibility even though we were at my friend’s house and he was supposed to be our host. I think my love language is when people do something tangible for me. She slept over, and I asked her out that night in 2019.

Jemima: Well, for me, it was the fact that I like when people understand me. You know when something is happening, and you think you’re overreacting or going crazy. But you explain it to someone and they just get it. We were having a conversation once, and that happened. I think that’s when I fell in love with him. I knew with him I’d have someone I could always talk to who’d understand things from my point of view. That night at his friend’s, we had a conversation about sex and how I wanted to wait till I was married. His response made me happy.

What was his response?

Jemima: He said he understood and respected my decision. He never disturbed me about sex after that till we got married.

Do you remember what your first major fight was about?

Izzy: We never fought as friends. But fast forward to after she became my fiancée in 2020. She visited me in Ibadan when the lockdown became lenient, and my best friend was around. They went to a restaurant before I got back from work. I’d already told Jemima I wanted my food as takeaway, but somehow, my friend influenced her to order it to be eaten in and that I’d come soon. When I got there, I saw my food was already served, and it was getting cold. They’d already eaten, so I also had to rush the food. Plus, I wasn’t even ready to eat yet. I wasn’t happy with Jemima, and I told her when we got home. It wouldn’t have been an issue because I was just communicating my feelings to her. Normally, she would’ve apologised, but he instigated her, and the whole thing blew up into our first major fight. 

Jemima: More like a misunderstanding. It wasn’t from either of us. It was a third-party influence. We hardly ever fight.

Goals. Meanwhile, fiancée? What was the proposal like?

Izzy: It wasn’t dramatic. Just the two of us spontaneously agreeing to forever, one day at my house.

How has this relationship been different from past ones?

Izzy: She’s been a friend for a long time, and we’ve been there for each other through the relationships we’ve had with other people, which is rare. Also, Jemima is a very peaceful person. Life gets stormy, but for me, she calms the storm. She’s always been there for me and is someone I can rely on to do what she says she will. Unlike other people who are mostly concerned with being young, silly and just fooling around, she’s a reliable partner. I can trust her with my life.

Jemima: When I lost my dad in 2015, we hadn’t spoken in a while because I attended Covenant University and phones weren’t allowed. But he was the first person to reach out to me, and he didn’t even know I’d lost my dad. He just called randomly and knew something was wrong from how I sounded. He keeps talking about my consistency, but he was consistent too. Even on my graduation day in 2017, he came with his friend all the way to Ogun State from Kano. Izzy is always there for me, and that support is key, even more than love.

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What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?

Izzy: I’m a Muslim and Jemima is a Christian. Getting our parents to even agree to the marriage was a huge struggle. But for us to be able to build a relationship, marry and even have a child just proves we don’t care about labels. We’ve built on what’s most important to us: the friendship we had from day one, the trust we’ve built and our compatibility.

Jemima: Another thing is we don’t follow society’s rules about what a marriage should be like. We’re more like friends committed to a lifetime together. There’s nothing like gender roles; we share everything equally. We both work, take turns caring for our young daughter, cook, clean, run errands, etc. We’re just laid back about our marriage.

How has the relationship changed you?

Izzy: It’s my social life that’s changed sha. The rest has remained the same. The “bachelor” me can stay home seven days a week, 12 months a year. Meeting Jemima’s family, I adjusted slightly to their lifestyle. My mother-in-law is the life of the party, and I really don’t like partying. 

Jemima: Me, I’m now a mother! I’m constantly thinking about my husband and child. But the most significant change is how I’ve become more active in pursuing my dreams and goals. Izzy always says, “You know you can do this. Go for it. Try it. But just even try first”. Then I come out successful. He’s like, “You see. I told you you can do it”. It’s so encouraging. Sometimes, all we need is a little push. Since we got married, we’ve successfully japa, and I’ve started my Master’s — things I’ve always wanted to do. 

What’s the best thing about being married to each other?

Jemima: The fact that I’m naked. We know everything about each other. I tell him everything. We don’t find it difficult to make decisions because we understand each other so well. Many people tell me, “Wow, you and your husband are so in sync”. Of course, I mean, we don see each other finish. Also, we don’t conform to rules and roles. While I was pregnant, different members of both our families had everything to say about what I should or shouldn’t be doing, and we would stand up for each other. Izzy would tell me, “Don’t just disturb yourself o. Don’t listen to anybody”.

Izzy: Our understanding and sync make it so good. One time, I was at home, and she wasn’t. Her aunt asked her something outside, then got home before her to ask me the same thing. We gave the same answer. We always consult each other before making decisions, and that’s what marriage is about.

How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Jemima: For me, it’s 10/10 because what more can I ask for? He’s a great husband, and we have a wonderful child together. He’s sweet, supports me 100%, good sex. Please, I’m living my best life.

Izzy: You’ve heard it from the horse’s mouth. I dey do my work well. So I’ll rate it 10 too, minus nothing.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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