Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121
Nigerians | Page 32 of 44 | Zikoko!

Quizzes

Stacks

Shows

Podcasts

Newsletters

Naira Life

Love Life

Hustleprint

Love Currency

Sunken Ships

What She Said

My Bro

So You Don’t Have To

Interview With…

Zikoko Memes

Jollof Road

Cholera Outbreak Update

Follow our socials

  • 9 Times In Life Nigerians See It Fit To Call Their Pastor

    9 Times In Life Nigerians See It Fit To Call Their Pastor

    1) When they spot a cat.

    “It’s not my blood they’ll suck.”

    2) When a bird makes noise outside their window at night.

    “I heard owls only hoot when death is near.”

    3) Immediately after having a bad dream.

    “I HAVE to find out what this means.”

    4) When that creepy, old relative in the village starts asking too many questions.

    “She wants to steal my destiny. I just know it.”

    5) When they mistakenly walk into a random spider web.

    “I walked into a spider web and now I’m afraid I’ve been cursed with bad luck!”

    6) When they see someone they want to marry.

    “Pastor, please help me check if we’re spiritually compatible.”

    7) When they see someone in their dream they’ve always suspected hates them.

    “I FINALLY HAVE PROOF!”

    8) When they reach a new milestone (like buying a car).

    “Hello. I’d like to schedule a thanksgiving service, please.”

    9) When they were sick but finally get better.

    “Thank you so much for your prayers, pastor.”

    ‘Am I a joke to these people?!” – Hospital staff

    What’s up, Zikoko Fam? It would mean the world to us if you spared a few minutes to fill this Reader Survey. It’s so we can bring you the content you really want!

    Astor George

    ,

  • 10 Nigerians Share Their Most Unforgettable Memory Of Their Dad

    10 Nigerians Share Their Most Unforgettable Memory Of Their Dad

    There is a general consensus whenever I talk to fathers that the joy of fatherhood can’t be described and that it’s also a thankless job.

    In celebration of upcoming father’s day, and curious about it being thankless, I asked a couple of people to share the memory of their dad that sticks out. Ngl, I shed a little tear while reading some.

    Here’s what they said:

    Well, I cried.

    “The memory I have isn’t the ‘best.’

    My dad had cancer and was out of a job. The cost of his treatment was quite high, and I remember that one day, after his surgery, he went for his appointment and was told he had to do some tests. The cost of everything was quite high; almost 100k back then. I also remember both of us standing in front of the hospital with tears in his eyes.

    I didn’t see him cry when he got the diagnosis, or when he went for surgery. It was shocking to see him struggling with tears in front of me after beating the disease.

    For some reason, this is my fondest memory of him.

    I think it is because I saw him at his strongest and at his weakest at that point.

    I had the money and although it was meant for something else, I gave it to him. We both stood there and I was reassuring him, telling him we’d get the tests done – It cost about 90k.”

    My chest.

    “Well, my dad has followed me for every external exam ever: Common Entrance, Quizzes, Post Utme. Anyway, I had an exam that was supposed to be by 9 am but both of us somehow thought it was by 10.

    So, we stayed back at home to fry prawn crackers.

    After we were done, we decided to walk to school instead of taking a cab – we were joking and gossiping all the way. By the time we got there, people were wondering why we were so late. I was rushing into the exam hall and the man still tossed my prawn crackers at me and said that he trusts that I’ll finish on time so I can eat.

    I did. I came third and even got a scholarship – he was so proud and confident.”

    Who’s cutting onions behind me?

    “Well, it was a dancing competition and it was clear that I won. Rather than give me my gift, they gave it someone else. My dad was there life and direct when it happened.

    I cried and cried and cried.

    He told me to let them be. That the best person doesn’t need validation. The next day on his way back from work, he bought me the exact same gift.”

    Daddy’s girl.

    “I was sitting on his laps and picking at his beards when I was like say 7. It was ruined by my grandma sha, she came and saw me. She was like I’m too big to be doing that and I should get up. I was extremely sad when it happened.”

    Wow.

    “I once played football with him as a child. Then, as a teenager, we played game one time on my play station; this was just a few months before he died.”

    This is wholesome.

    “My fondest memory involves hiding in the back seat of my dad’s car just to follow him out. And him pretending not to notice until we were far from the house.

    I was really small so I could squeeze myself into that space between the front and back seat. You wouldn’t see me if you didn’t know where to look.

    That’s how I ended in Okene one day wearing just my primary school sportswear (vest and shorts). For context, Okene was like 2 hours away from home.”

    E for what?

    “One time we went to renew my passport, one of the customs guys asked my dad “na your pikin be this? she’s very beautiful”. And he didn’t say thank you – he said “I know”.

    Felt good like…my dad thinks I’m beautiful.”

    Sweet father, I no go forget you.

    “Well, my dad used to travel a lot. A whole lot. The only free time he had was when he’d get back from the trips early in the morning. So, he’d wake me up by 5:00 am to jog, stretch and do jumping jacks. It was not about the exercise but it was more of an opportunity for father and son bonding.

    He’s old now and has lost a lot of that youthful agility. I am scared of time and how much it takes from us. What else is it going to take from him?”

    I don’t even like kids like that but this made me reconsider.

    “My dad is a girl dad – with three daughters, he always made sure he was there every step of the way. I believe it was his way of bonding with us. It was almost as if he didn’t want to miss any part of our growing up – it may have something to do with the fact that his dad died when he was very young and this may have been his way of compensation. I don’t know for sure.

    Up until I was 18, my dad used to take me to the salon to get my hair done. One memory I’ll never forget was during Christmas when I was really young (definitely less than 10 years old). He took me to the salon and someone thought it cool to ask him why he was the one doing this (taking me to the salon, as against my mum doing it of course) and he shut her down immediately.

    I was really young, but that moment is etched in my memory.”

    Mahn.

    “My dad has passed but when I remember him, I tend to hear his voice first before I picture his face.

    I remember the nightly advice he used to give us. What I liked about him was his honesty – he talked about how many times he failed in life, his mistakes. How he treated my mum early on in the marriage. He said he wasn’t a good man then but he learned over time.

    When he started his business, he talked about attaching yourself to the people who call the shots if you’re new to an industry. He talked about them taking you under their wings and how it worked for him.

    Then he spoke about his history, his family – he loved history – he wanted us to know more about where we came from, he wanted us to go back to our hometown. He had plans but they never happened…

    At the end of everything, he’d tell us ‘don’t be scared of anything, you have my blood.’ That was his anthem and we heard it almost every day.

    Whenever I am scared, I still hear my dad’s voice telling me not to be afraid.”

    This story was edited for clarity. Some details have been changed to protect the identity of the subject.

    Image source: Pexels.com

    You should read this next: 13 Nigerian Men Share What They Wish They Knew Before Getting Married

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,

  • QUIZ: Younger Nigerians, This One Will Definitely Stress You

    QUIZ: Younger Nigerians, This One Will Definitely Stress You

    While ‘young’ is definitely subjective — at 27, I’d like to think I’m still young — what I can say is that the older you are, the easier you’ll find this quiz. So, ’80s and ’90s babies, here’s your chance to shine.

    Go ahead:

    NerdEfiko

    , , ,

  • QUIZ: This Citizenship Test Will Tell You If You’re Really Nigerian

    QUIZ: This Citizenship Test Will Tell You If You’re Really Nigerian

    How Nigerian are you really? Answer the simple questions in this ‘citizenship test’ as honestly as possible, and we’ll let you know. Don’t worry, this is as accurate as it gets.

    Go ahead:

    11 Of The Most Popular Zikoko Quizzes Of All Time

    Here are the best performing Zikoko quizzes ever. Take them.

    Damilola

    ,
    , , , ,

  • QUIZ: How Petty Are You?

    QUIZ: How Petty Are You?

    Are you completely vindictive, or do you know how to let things go? Well, if you take this quiz and answer honestly, we should be able to let you know exactly how petty you are. Don’t be mad at the answer you get sha.

    Go ahead:


    11 Of The Most Popular Zikoko Quizzes Of All Time

    Here are the best performing Zikoko quizzes ever. Take them.

    NerdEfiko

    ,
    , ,

  • Nigerians, Please Stop Saying These Things To People Without Children

    Nigerians, Please Stop Saying These Things To People Without Children

    There are many reasons why people don’t have children. I think unless they specifically ask for our opinion, we should respect their privacy. If they do ask, we should do more listening than talking.

    1) “Don’t your parents want Grandchildren?“

    2) “You’ll regret when you are old.”

    3) “Children give purpose to life.”

    4) “Ah, time is going oh.”

    5) “Who will carry your family name?”

    6) “It’s because she did abortion when she was younger.”

    7) “Sorry.”

    8) “As them fine reach, them no get pikin.”

    9) “Stop being selfish.”

    10) “When I was your age, I already had two kids.”

    11) “Maybe God is punishing you.”

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,

  • What Are Some Of Your Unpopular Sex Opinions?

    What Are Some Of Your Unpopular Sex Opinions?

    Riddle me this: What’s one thing Nigerians like a lot but also pretend about?

    A) Good governance

    B) Sex.

    The correct answer is B.

    Inspired by a conversation over the weekend, here are some of the most unpopular opinions about sex some Nigerians have:

    1) “Sexual cheating doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t love you and it’s obviously not enough reason to end a relationship.”

    2) “Lasting long is not always a great thing. Sex should be as short as possible. Release me.”

    3) “Sex in your forties slap better because it is full of love and tenderness. At this age, there is no pressure to show off or be a stud. It’s more about intimacy and connection.”

    4) “The only choking I want is with love and affection. I don’t know who told you people that attempted murder is sexy.”

    5) “Threesome is only lit if they are all bi-sexual.”

    6) “Shower sex is overrated but maybe it’s because I dey use bucket and bailer for house sha.”

    7) “It’s okay not to shave. Come here my bush baby.”

    8) “Don’t call me daddy. It’s cringe.”

    9) “Don’t ask me to stick anything up my butt. I won’t do it. And trying to guilt me into doing something I don’t like is no different from asking a woman to do what she doesn’t want to.”

    10) “Oral sex should be banned because it’s too risky. People are licking Candidiasis, oral thrush, and are shouting energy.”

    11) “Masturbation > actual sex. People have drama and sometimes I just want to get my orgasm without wondering if she got hers. It’s nothing personal.”

    12) “Missionary is the best sex position. It’s the hero we don’t deserve.”

    13) “I only enjoy sex if my partner is happy. The pressure around it is too much. Men will worry about how long they last, women will worry about if their body is perfect. Kiloshele gan gan.”

    14) “I believe in saving myself for my husband. Yes, even if he’s not a virgin.”

    If you enjoyed reading this, you should totally check this out: Sex life: sleeping with older men changed my life.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,

  • 10 Things Year One Students In Nigerian Universities Will Relate To

    10 Things Year One Students In Nigerian Universities Will Relate To

    The first year in a Nigerian university is always one hell of a ride. It’s like finally getting admitted into this prestigious club but then the club has more downs than ups. Here’s a list of some good and bad stuff year one students in Nigerian universities will relate to:

    1. All the registration stress and queues.

    The one thing you can be certain about in Nigerian universities is queues. There is always a queue, and it’s worse for year one students because they have a registration deadline to meet.

    2. The wait for reg number.

    You spend 2 weeks on campus and you are still stuck with your JAMB reg number.

    3. Matriculation day excitement.

    And of course, your parents come through Nigerian style. One cooler of rice, a cake in the university colors and crates of malt for your friends and fans

    4. Priding in the fact that you now have “lectures” and not “lessons”.

    Levels have changed yo.

    5. Dropping the name of your university with shoulders high when neighbours ask.

    zikoko- Year One Nigerian Students

    Status successfully upgraded.

    6. The struggle for accommodation.

    zikoko- Year One Nigerian Students

    The struggle is indeed real. Lagos state agents have got nothing on campus agents. It be your own students.

    7. Attending classes back to back because you want to make first-class.

    zikoko- Year One Students In Nigerian Universities

    With 5.0 CGPA goals on your mind. In spite of the fact that you and WAEC did not really end on good terms.

    8. First exam period and you are humbled.

    zikoko- Year One Students In Nigerian Universities

    Humbled by the questions that look like HD when the lectures were only taught in 2D. Also humbled by the mean invigilators and how much space they put between desks. And finally humbled by the fact that other people are already asking for an extra sheet and you can’t even bring yourself to understand what question one wants from you.

    9. Checking your first exam results.

    zikoko- Year One Students In Nigerian Universities

    You go with your heart in your hands because. And on your way you probably get flashbacks from all the times you were sleeping like a bear when you should have been cramming definitions.

    10. First embarrassment from a lecturer.

    And you’re like, I thought the point of being a university student is that I will now be treated like an adult? Which one is “get out of my class”?

    That’s 9 things most year one students in Nigerian Universities will relate to. Which struggle was the realest for you?

    Blessing Onyelobi

    , , , , , , , ,

  • 13 Fictional Characters Nigerians Hate With A Passion

    13 Fictional Characters Nigerians Hate With A Passion

    Don’t tell me it’s just a movie when the thing pained me deep down and it’s still paining me many years down the line. Please, don’t.

    Here is a list of some of the most annoying fictional characters to have ever come on screen.

    1) Home Alone.

    These guys gave everyone of us hyptertension.

    2) Game of Thrones.

    Put these two inside dustbin and throw it into the ocean.

    3) Matilda.

    The evil principal Trunchbull did is enough. I can’t get this scene out of my head.

    4) Baby’s Day Out.

    These rogues. Gbomo gbomo with international exposure.

    5) Money Heist.

    Shoot this guy already.

    6) Koto Aiye.

    The witches were just too wicked.

    7) 101 Dalmatians.

    Leave our bingos alone.

    8) Samurai Jack.

    Aku was really the shape shifting master of all stressors.

    9) Prison Break.

    T-bag = cunning-back-stabbing-selfish-man.

    9) Living in Bondage

    Andy Okeke, you no try at all. After all Merit did for you.

    10) Diamond Ring.

    Hate this one for going to university, joining a cult, and then going grave-robbing with that cult (causing ghost Liz Benson to fuck his family up) even though his family was super rich and could afford to get him literally anything he wanted!

    11) October 1.

    Father, why?

    12) Skinny Girl In Transit.

    Kwame, it’s on sight.

    13) Eran Iya Osogbo.

    Hated everything about this movie. Why does it even exist?

    Click here for happy thoughts.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,

  • 7 Things You’ll Find In Every Nigerian Family’s First Aid Box

    7 Things You’ll Find In Every Nigerian Family’s First Aid Box

    I feel like the real title of this article should be, “6 Things You’ll Find In Every Nigerian Family’s First Aid Box Because Nigerian Parents Swear These Things Can Cure-All Ills“. But that would’ve been too much.

    1) Paracetamol:

    Emzor Paracetamol. | Pharmapointe

    What else is going to help with that headache?

    2) Hot Balm

    Robb vs Aboniki Balm - Which is the Peoples' Choice? | Cobra Review -

    For all problems ranging from random surface body pains to fractures.

    3) Glucose

    Evans ALLENBURY'S GLUCOSE D WITH CALCIUM AND VITAMIN D price from ...

    For energy when one has a fever or some shit. You may also know it by it’s other name, COCAINE.

    4) Orheptal blood tonic

    ORHEPTAL TONIC 1 LITRE – MedPlus

    You have no choice. Whether you’re suffering from an iron deficiency or not, you’ll still down like half a bottle of this.

    5) Methylated Spirit and cotton wool

    MOKO METHYLATED SPIRIT 200ML – MedPlus

    For when someone gets injured and they need to treat the wound and punish them for playing rough play at the same time.

    6) Mentholated Powder

    Medicated Mentholated Dusting powder By Cussons,Skin disorders ...

    For heat rash.

    7) Alabukun

    Acetylsalicylic Acid 760mg Caffeine 60mg Alabukun Powder

    For the older people in the house.

    Click here for happy thoughts.

    Astor George

    ,

  • Who Is Irrfan Khan, And Why Are Nigerians Talking About Him?

    Who Is Irrfan Khan, And Why Are Nigerians Talking About Him?

    What do you know about Irrfan Khan?

    Let’s play a game called jog my memory:

    Remember this scene from Slum dog millionaire?

    I mean who can ever forget. We have the inspector who is searching for the truth clashing with a young innocent boy. We see them dance until the end where the inspector concludes that Jamal, the young boy, may actually be innocent.

    A truly inspiring masterpiece.

    Then fast forward to this scene from Life of Pi:

    If you didn’t cry after this scene, then you are braver than I am. After Pi survives being stuck at sea on a boat with a Tiger, saying goodbye when they finally reach land is harder than he ever imagined.

    The delivery and emotions from this scene gets me every time.

    So, when I heard that Irrfan Khan, the legendary actor who gave us these mind-blowing scenes was dead, it came as a shock to me. Because some part of my subconscious still believes that “Actor no dey die.”

    According to reports, he had a rare form of cancer that he was battling:

    irrfan khan

    He was just 53 years old.

    A statement from his team also had this to say:

    irrfan khan

    Our thoughts and prayers are with his family during these tough times.

    Because away from overpriced movie budgets, funny politics, and greedy executives, actors never truly die. We asked 3 Nigerians to tell us what he meant to them.

    Here’s what they had to say:

    Tosin says he made her feel:

    “I rarely watch movies because I forget them easily. But no matter how bad my memory is, I never forget how a scene made me feel. For me, watching him as a police inspector searching for the truth will forever stick with me. I remember thinking, I don’t have anything I am passionate about like this guy is.”

    Kunle says that one scene moved him:

    “Man, that end of Life of Pi. That fucking last scene. I don’t normally cry but that scene moved me. I was like who’s this guy?”

    Tolani says he wears black on black well:

    I remember seeing him wearing an all-black ensemble in The Amazing Spider Man and thinking, this is a villain I want to root for. I thought he was very intense.”

    Click here for happy thoughts.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , , ,

  • 6 Of The Biggest Lies Nigerians Have Told About Money

    6 Of The Biggest Lies Nigerians Have Told About Money

    “Money slow to enter, but money quick to go” – M.I

    These are the lyrics to one of the greatest songs to grace the Nigerian airways. It’s apt because everyone on some level can relate to a money struggle. Whether directly or indirectly.

    According to Marty Byrde – Money at its essence is a measure of a man’s choices. So, what choices have you had to make because of a money issue?

    We asked people to tell us the biggest lies they have had to tell because of money.

    The undercover millionaire.

    I recently got a new job that pays me 1 million Naira a month. However, I told my family members that I took a salary cut to join this company. I am trying to complete a project and I don’t want black tax to finish me. It was easy to sell this lie because the company is low-key and unpopular unlike my old one. The reason I even earn well is because the head quarters is not based in Nigeria. My mum has been sending me “something to manage” every month and I feel bad. But I can’t tell her. At least, not yet.

    The playbook scammer.

    I met this guy that used to shower me with expensive gifts. Then suddenly he started needing little sums because of “bank issues” and he’s expecting some money. I sha made sure I borrowed him the equivalent of the cost of gifts he had bought for me. When I got to the mark, I cut him off. It’s not me he will finish. I have seen plenty of his type in this Abuja.

    Landlord posing as tenant.

    The house I live in is part of my inheritance. But my friends are always complaining about paying rent and how tough it is. So, to not stand out, I pretend to have rent money issues. I don’t want them to think I have arrived or something. I was just lucky to have inherited a house early.

    The hustler.

    I lied to my friends about how much I earn monthly. I inflated it to two times the actual amount. My friends are rich and nice people and I don’t want to look like a charity case to them. They are already wary that people only befriend them because they have money. So, I don’t want to prove them right. They are the kind of people to casually set me up on a monthly salary to supplement my income. If I allow that, it’s only a matter of time before resentment kicks in.

    I will keep pushing until one day I don’t have to lie about how much I earn.

    A finesser.

    I was at a job interview. They asked me how much I was earning at my last place, I told them N170,000 and I was hoping to move to N250,000 gross. That was a big lie. I was earning N70,000 but doing the work of N170,000. So, I only pegged it at the volume of work I was doing. After a series of back and forth, I ended up collecting three times my old salary.

    You know what? I’d gladly do it again.

    The childhood fraudster.

    My grandmother used to save money with me. Money from visitors and her children. Then, she died suddenly. My dad who knew about this money came to ask for it but I told him that she collected it a few weeks before she died. I don’t know if it was because of grief, but I somehow got away with it. The sad part was that we moved houses and I forgot the money in my hiding place. Till today, it still pains me.

    If you enjoyed reading this, here are happy thoughts to keep you company.

    Click here for happy thoughts.

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,

  • 7 Nigerians Share Their Worst Friendship Breakup Stories

    7 Nigerians Share Their Worst Friendship Breakup Stories

    Some of you might not agree, but I think a friendship breakup is a little more painful than a romantic one. Most people already know what to do when a romantic relationship ends, but the demise of a true friendship is so much tougher to navigate.

    So, I decided to ask a few Nigerians to share their most painful friendship breakup stories. From built-up resentment to the sting of mistrust, these people all lost friendships that lasted years, and they can all agree on one thing: it hurt like hell.

    Ify, 26/Female/7 years of friendship

    I met her during NYSC and we became fast friends. I travelled across states to be her bridesmaid, and when I relocated to Lagos to start my new job, she and her husband housed me for a month until I got my own apartment. We were that close. 

    Since I was new to Lagos, I spent most of my weekends with her and her baby. I tried to help out as much as I could. I was cordial with her husband, but we only ever spoke when I visited. So, it was a surprise when I learnt she was uncomfortable with us talking.

    Things got worse when I went to greet them after church service one Sunday. She was gisting with some friends, and I was making small talk with her husband while carrying the baby. She sent me a strongly-worded text after, warning me to respect boundaries.

    I was really hurt and embarrassed, but I didn’t argue. I simply stopped visiting them. She tried to chat with me a few times after, but it was never the same. She never even apologised. I actually miss her despite everything, but I have and will continue to stay away.

    James, 21/Male/2 years of friendship

    We’d been like brothers for about 2 years, but then we had a terrible argument. Come to think of it, the fight wasn’t even that big a deal, but then he refused to apologise. I knew if I were in his position, I would have said sorry without hesitating. 

    The fact that he didn’t made me feel like I was the only one who valued the friendship. Then I started to hear that he was saying shit about me. We stayed in the same compound off campus, so we basically knew the exact same people.

    I knew it was over when a mutual friend told me I should reach out because he was struggling with addiction. I texted him and he was still acting like a dick. I didn’t even want to be friends again, I just wanted to be sure he was okay. I still wonder how things would have gone if he just said sorry.

    Tolani, 28/Female/14 years of friendship

    We were a trio of friends and one of us was going through a particularly rough patch — struggling with her career and her relationship with God. To be fair, we were all struggling at the time, but I figured we’d be able to get through it together.

    We talked about everything, helping each other accept our imperfections and strive to be better. I still don’t know why, but I guess life just hit her way too hard. She decided to take it out on us, and she slowly became very distant.

    I knew it was over when she sent a message to our group chat saying she wanted to start afresh and she was cutting off everyone, including us. So she unfollowed us on every platform, changed her number and disappeared. It still hurts when I think about it.

    Dapo, 27/Male/4 years of friendship

    We became friends through social media. We both loved eating out, so we’d go to different restaurants every other weekend. We got pretty close after that, bonding over other things like our work struggles and our perpetual singledom.

    Then all of a sudden, he became distant and would take days to respond whenever I hit him up. I asked what was wrong, and he said it was all in my head. I actually thought I was imagining it until two other mutual friends said he was doing the same thing to them. 

    I knew our friendship was officially over when my 27th birthday rolled around and he didn’t acknowledge it at all. For some context, he literally helped me plan my 26th birthday party. I’m definitely still pained and confused, but I’ve finally let it go. 

    Simi, 28/Female/18 years of friendship

    We’d known each other since I was 10, but our friendship started to officially unravel during a period of sexual confusion for her. A babe I’d introduced her to, convinced her she was a lesbian and that I was in love with both of them. I wasn’t.

    I knew it was over when I started falling into another bout of depression and she chose to chase the other babe, instead of being there for me when I really needed a friend. So, I packed up my things and left that friendship, literally and figuratively.

    Timi, 29/Male/16 years of friendship

    We lived right next door to each other, so we’d been best friend since childhood. We were so close, in fact, that the native name I bear today was given to me by his mother. We were basically brothers for the first 16 years of my life.

    To be honest, I always knew he was a bit crafty and would do anything for money and power, but I never held that against him. Well, not until we were in uni — different schools — and he got close to a mutual friend whose parents were quite wealthy.

    He side-lined everyone else and became an asshole. A few of our friends reached out to me to come talk some sense into him. When I came, he refused to acknowledge the mutual friend I came with and it almost escalated into a fistfight. That’s when I knew we were done.

    He apologised a few years later, but the damage was already done. Our parents still live next to each other, and I still visit his mother whenever I go home, but I have no idea what’s going on in his life and, quite frankly, I don’t care.

    Fola, 24/Female/5 years of friendship

    I met her when I was in 100 level. We weren’t very close at first, but our relationship evolved and we became best friends. Even though I was always stood by her, I think our relationship inevitably broke down due to built-up resentment.

    In 500 level, I got pregnant and it was a very difficult time for me. Two weeks after I gave birth, we were together and she gave me her phone. One thing led to another and the phone screen broke. I’m still not even sure how it happened. 

    She got angry and insisted I repair the phone. I was really surprised that someone who knew the emotional trauma and financial constraint I was going through at the time would be so thoughtless, especially since she was well off enough to fix it herself. 

    She said she didn’t send me to get pregnant and continued to insist. I sent her the little money I had left, and she never even repaired the phone. I eventually gave her a piece of my mind and blocked her. That was the end of the friendship.

    NerdEfiko

    , ,

  • 7 Social Etiquettes Nigerians Always Disregard

    7 Social Etiquettes Nigerians Always Disregard

    By default most Nigerians make it a point to disregard all social etiquettes. And so they become social terrorists going through life leaving a trail of people they have annoyed.

    Anyway, here’s a list of 7 different ways you have most likely been socially terorrized by a fellow Nigerian. Don’t worry, we’ll start a support group soon.

    1. Chewing with their mouths open.

    People who do this should be fined. Honestly. After the food enters your mouth it becomes a private matter that should be kept between your teeth and tongue. Plix.

    2. Sitting in public buses with their legs spread apart like they own the bus.

    With their raggedy N50 bus fare.

    3. Staring at other people’s phones.

    zikoko- Social Etiquettes

    Like they subscribed to view your pictures and read your messages. Pray tell, what are you looking for on my phone screen?

    4. Point black starting at people.

    zikoko- Social Etiquettes

    Like you owe them money or you hold the key to something important and you are still wasting precious time.

    5. Video calling without notice first.

    zikoko- Social Etiquettes

    People don’t realize just how creepy, annoying and creepy this is.

    6. Using terms of endearment for strangers.

    You met me approximately 5 minutes ago and we are already on “Dear” status. What do you call people you have known for years then? “The reason for my being”? Tell me plix.

    7. Calling or texting you out of the blues and expecting you to know who they are.

    zikoko- Social Etiquettes

    “It’s me” is nobody’s name. Somebody please let Nigerians know this.

    What other annoying thing did we miss?

    Click here for happy thoughts.

    Blessing Onyelobi

    ,

  • 7 Nigerians Share The Most Adventurous Things They’ve Tried In Bed

    7 Nigerians Share The Most Adventurous Things They’ve Tried In Bed

    Regardless of what your sex life is typically like — satisfyingly vanilla or insanely wild — everyone has an experience they consider to be entirely out-of-left-field, and that’s why we’re gathered here today.

    Curious to know just how adventurous Nigerians get in the bedroom, we asked 7 sexually-active adults to tell us the craziest thing they’ve ever tried in the bedroom (or in some cases, out of it).

    Tayo, 30/Male/Bisexual

    Sex for me is usually a very intimate experience. I love to be pleasured and I love to give pleasure too. So, I typically spend about 30 to 45 minutes just exploring and having intense foreplay. 

    I’ve been pretty adventurous in the bedroom, but I think getting fisted is at the top of my list. It was actually pretty fun, but the next time I try it, I’ll definitely have to pump myself with a lot more numbing drugs. 

    I’ve also incorporated honey and ice-cream during sex. I had honey drizzled on my ass before my partner ate it. Then I had ice cream licked off every single inch of my body. That was really great.

    Pam, 31/Female/Fluid

    Sex is basically my favourite pastime, so I tend to surround myself with lovers who really know my body. A typical session for me is usually a combination of exciting, dangerous and satisfying.

    I’d say letting someone tie me up, whip and lightly torture me was my most adventurous experience. I always knew I love pain with my pleasure, but I’d never actually tried it until then. It was really fun.

    Timileyin, 28/Male/Straight

    Typical sex for me is at home, on a bed. Making out first, lots of foreplay and then we proceed to penetration. Missionary, which is severely underrated, and doggy are the main positions.

    The most adventurous thing I’ve done is have sex with a co-worker in the office, during work hours, with a meeting happening in the next room. It was fun for the first 5 minutes, but then I panicked for the remaining 15.

    Doyin, 27/Female/Straight 

    While it depends on my partner, regular sex for me typically starts with kissing, then we give each other head, I get spanked a little, then we get into penetration with a few position changes.

    The most adventurous thing I’ve done is peg a man (perform anal sex with a strap-on dildo). I felt so damn powerful. Watching him squirm and moan while I fucked him made me feel so good. I loved it.

    Nonso, 25/Male/Gay

    I’m a pretty vanilla guy in the bedroom. I really don’t like doing the most. So, typical sex for me involves kissing for a bit, giving each other head and, depending on who I’m with, fucking, get fucked or both.

    The most adventurous thing I’ve done is be part of an orgy. I got invited to a games night that unexpectedly turned very sexual. I would have ordinarily left, but I was high and horny, so I joined in. It ended up being quite fun.

    Teni, 26/Female/Bisexual

    Sex for me typically involves a ton of making out, fondling, oral sex and penetration. I’m not even a big fan of penetrative sex because I can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation, but yeah, it can feel good too. 

    The most adventurous thing I’ve done is finger and use a vibrator on a man. The initial plan was to peg him, but we needed to start small. So, we started with the fingers, then graduated to a vibrator.

    He moaned a lot whenever we did it and his orgasms were really intense. It was honestly very sexy. We never got to the pegging part because he chickened out, but I still really enjoyed what we got to do. 

    Chike, 25/Male/Straight 

    Typical sex for me depends on the person I’m sleeping with. At any given time, I can go for up to 5 rounds and try different positions if the babe is down. Thankfully, I tend to sleep with people who match my energy. 

    I think the most adventurous thing I’ve tried is making a bunch of sex tapes. I’ve also begun the very early stages of butt play. Granted, only one-third of a pinky finger has entered, but I’d still call that progress.

    If you would like to read more Sex Life stories, you can click right here.

    NerdEfiko

    ,
    , ,

  • 7 Nigerians Reveal The Kind Of Porn They Watch

    7 Nigerians Reveal The Kind Of Porn They Watch

    With masturbation seemingly at an all-time high due to the Coronavirus pandemic, we decided to find out the kind of porn Nigerians are watching to help get themselves off during these stressful times.

    So, we asked 7 Nigerians to summarise their porn history for us — from the first one they ever watched to what they’re into at the moment — and the answers were quite interesting.

    Tayo, 28/Male/Straight

    I was 12 the first time I watched porn. It was at a classmate’s house, with about 6 other boys. It was actually pretty exciting at first, but I had to run out of the room when my boner got too intense. I was also scared that we would get caught.

    My porn tastes haven’t really changed much over the years. I typically watch white porn with thick women, but when I’m bored I try other stuff. I’ve tried gay porn, but I couldn’t get into it. I also had a trans woman phase, where I’d look for the ones with huge dicks.

    In the past 4 years or so, I’ve really been into stepmom and stepson porn. I think I’m either drawn to the forbidden nature of it, the perceived age difference, or both. When I was a teenager, I fantasised about being with a mature woman on the low.

    Maryam, 24/Female/Straight

    I think I was about 16 or 17 the first time I ever watched porn, and I was utterly appalled by it. I was a virgin at the time and I’d been raised to think it was wrong. I even remember storming out of a room when they started playing it.

    All that has changed. I’m now a lot more liberal, and my tastes show that. I love gay porn. The men have a lot of passion and they are much better actors than the people in straight porn. I also have a love-hate relationship with hentai (anime porn) — it’s simultaneously sexy and sexist.

    Bayo 25/Male/Gay

    I was 14 the first time I watched porn, and my tastes have been pretty consistent since then. More than anything, I need my porn to have a good storyline. I hate when it’s only been a few seconds and everyone is already naked. I need context. I need a backstory. 

    Even though the acting is usually very terrible, I can still appreciate the effort of a relatively coherent story. That’s why I really like Twitter porn. Even though it’s never more than 2 minutes, the caption always gives you enough context to work with. 

    Ifeoma, 30/Female/Bisexual

    I don’t actually remember the first time I ever watched porn. The first time I actively sought it out, however, I was about 20. It was so exhausting. I quickly figured out the things I didn’t like and didn’t want to see, but it took about a year to figure out what I did like.

    Over the years, my porn tastes have evolved as my sex tastes have. I’ve recently gotten really into BDSM and pain, so my porn searches have mirrored that. For me porn acts as an amplifier — it turns me on the quickest when I want to masturbate.

    It’s also a great way for me to experience things I know I have no interest in doing in real life, while also mirroring things I actually do like. For example, I have no interest in being part of a gang bang, but gangbang porn mirrors my desire to be “filled” during sex. 

    Ope 24/Male/Straight

    I was 11 when I first found some of my uncle’s porn CDs. One had white people having sex on a boat, and the other one was beastiality porn. I had already seen my other uncle having sex when I was 7, so the first CD didn’t shock me. The other one, however, did. 

    Right now, I’m into a category called ghetto gaggers. It’s a bit racist — it shows white men treating black women like trash — but that’s not what turns me on. It’s the willingness of these women to consent to being treated like that. That just does something to me.

    Sarah, 28/Female/Straight

    I was 13 the first time I ever watched porn. I discovered my mother’s collection and was in complete shock. I ended up watching the entire thing in secret over the course of 3 months. It was a wide range, and it’s the reason I’ve seen basically every genre.

    After that, the internet became more widespread and we got a home computer. At odd hours, I’d just go through different porn sites. Funny enough, I don’t think I ever watched anything that aroused me until I started having sex. It was mostly for fun.

    I was addicted at some point, but it didn’t give me unrealistic expectations or affect my actual sex life; in fact, I learned how to do some things before I got to do them. And as for my preferred categories, I’m currently into monster porn because I like seeing women dominated.

    Teni, 23/Female/Bisexual

    I got introduced to lesbian porn when I was pretty young. I would use the family computer to watch beautiful women make out and pleasure each other. I wasn’t even sure why I liked it, but I eventually began trying what they were doing on myself and others.

    After lesbian porn, I discovered BDSM and cuckolding. Then I somehow got into more weird stuff like incest porn and rape porn. I also discovered gay porn, which I love. There’s just something really beautiful about watching men make love.

    Recently, I have found that I can only watch lesbian porn. I just got out of a two-year relationship that I was very invested in. He cheated on me, and I had to end things. Since then, I’ve found it very hard to watch heterosexual sex or even think about it. 

    If you would like to read more Sex Life stories, you can click right here.

    NerdEfiko

    ,
    , ,

  • All The Reasons Nigerians Are Angry With President Buhari’s Speech

    All The Reasons Nigerians Are Angry With President Buhari’s Speech

    President Buhari’s Speech:

    After a heated game of cat and mouse, President Buhari finally addressed Nigerians. You can read the speech here. Apart from the fact that it took too long to happen, Nigerians were not pleased with the delivery and also short-notice decision to lockdown Lagos, Ogun, and Abuja under 24 hours.

    Nigerians had a few things to say about President Buhari’s Speech and here are some of the responses:

    How does the Government expect people to survive?

    President Buhari's Speech

    This person wasn’t feeling the speech at all.

    President Buhari's Speech

    This is a valid question.

    President Buhari's Speech

    No lies were told.

    President Buhari's Speech

    The Nigerian condition.

    President Buhari's Speech

    All we are saying…

    President Buhari's Speech

    Hassan Yahaya

    , , , ,

  • What Are The Investment Options For Young Nigerians? – We Asked An Expert

    What Are The Investment Options For Young Nigerians? – We Asked An Expert
    investment

    “Sticks and stones may break my bones but investment excites me.”

    Those are the opening lines to a song I completely made up. But it’s also how I want my ideal relationship with money to look like. Each payday, I keep wondering “What are the investment opportunities for me?” “When will my enjoyment return from war?”

    Maybe it’s the new year, maybe it’s my new age, but I decided to talk with someone more financially sound than I am about money and investment opportunities. Here’s what I learned:

    Disclaimer: This is not to serve as a religious text but more to provide a way to look at approaching this issue one God-when at a time.

    Charity begins at home.

    The first takeaway from the conversation is that you should invest in yourself.

    This doesn’t necessarily mean you should take a course or get an additional degree. The investment can be as little as reading a book on a regular basis, networking (Detty December) more to increase your social capital, or simply putting yourself in spaces that encourage growth.

    Start where you are.

    The second takeaway, although unpopular is that you should develop a savings habit. No matter how little.

    Mad oohh Sorry, preposterously bonkers, but there’s inflation. How we go take do am?

    investment

    After the discussion, there are three ways I have decided to think about this:

    1) An investment that isn’t affected by inflation.

    Think of foreign currency: “*One million dollars, elo lo ma je ti ba se si Naira?” whether you buy dollars from mallam and put under your bed or you use Piggyvest or Cowrywise, it is a good place to start.

    For Piggyvest:

    To read more on this, click here.

    Cowrywise Eurobond:

    To learn more about this, this is a good place to start.

    2) Put money in something that gives returns above inflation and Nigerian anyhowness.

    Things like government bonds, treasury bills used to be the preferred tool. Although the return rate is currently below inflation, a six percent return from treasury bills is better than a zero percent return from leaving money in the bank. T-Bills and government bonds are also relatively easy to learn about.

    3) Try to learn about the stock market.

    While this is also uncommon advice, it helps to think about this long term. This is more difficult to understand, riskier, and gives higher returns long term. So, learning and testing the waters with little sums can prepare you for higher stakes. You should only consider this as an extremely long term project and not short term in any way.

    Ahan. Is that all?

    Also, alternative investments should be considered. Depending on where you fall, this includes anything from bet9ja to agriculture and even transportation.

    You should only invest your money in anything you can verify. If it sounds too good to be true, then it isn’t.

    For an extra source of investment in Nigeria, make sure you verify the background of the people, where your money is going to, and how your money will work for you. If you can’t verify these things, take a step back and regroup.

    Wow. This was long, abeg summarize

    • Invest in yourself as this is the fastest way to increase your earning power.
    • Develop a savings habit because learning to pile money increases how much you can invest with and thus increases your returns.
    • Invest in things above inflation, not affected by inflation, and learn how stock works. The last part is important for long term planning.

    Mahn, this was long and I don’t know if anyone got here. If you did, don’t forget to show off some of your newfound knowledge to your friends.

    investment

    Glossary:

    *One million dollars, how much is that in Naira?

    Hassan Yahaya

    , , ,

  • Why Is Kobe Bryant Important To Nigerians? – We Asked 4 People

    Why Is Kobe Bryant Important To Nigerians? – We Asked 4 People
    Kobe Bryant

    Yesterday, we were shocked by news of the passing of basketball legend, Kobe Bryant. Many media outlets broke the story with an air crash indicated as the cause of his demise. While basketball is not as popular as football in Nigeria, there are some ardent supporters of the game here. To celebrate the life of this legend, we asked 4 basketball fans what Kobe signifies to them.

    Here’s what they had to say:

    Victor says Kobe inspired him through his basketball days.

    “Kobe is an inspiration, he’s the greatest sportsman to ever do it. When I was actively playing basketball in the sun and in the rain, I had a picture of him for inspiration. He had broken his hand yet he wore his jersey on top of his pajamas to go and train. For some reason, that photo stuck with me forever. Even though I no longer play, that memory will always stay with me as a reminder to always give my best.”

    Kobe Bryant

    For Tosin, Kobe Bryant was her first introduction to the game.

    “He’s an icon to me. The first time I saw a basketball match, it was a Lakers game and It was fascinating to observe his talent. I think what stuck the most for me apart from his skill was his off-court activities. He would show love to his family, he was versatile, he even had scholarships at one point. It was impressive to me that he was an all-round stand-up guy. As a result of that first experience, I still support the Lakers till today.”

    Kobe Bryant

    Daniel cares about Kobe Bryant the writer and not the basketballer.

    “I don’t like basketball but I love movies. He made a movie about his career titled “Dear Basketball”. I found it interesting that he said in an interview that “people try to put athletes into a box” and he’s not interested in labels. I was just blown away that he went ahead to win an Oscar for the film and this cemented to me that he was good at anything he put his mind to.”

    Kobe

    Muyiwa says that beyond the game, we can all learn from his work ethic.

    “He got into the big leagues at 18 and it’s super difficult to get in at such a young age. He kept on saying how great he would become and he proved it over and over again throughout his 20-year career. For me, I like people who talk and put in the work. He was notorious for playing through injuries and his training was hardcore. At every point in time, there are larger than life figures that drive a lot of people to watch basketball and he was one of those people for me.”

    Kobe Bryant

    Hassan Yahaya

    ,

  • 9 Very Nigerian Situations That Require You To Shout “Blood Of Jesus”

    9 Very Nigerian Situations That Require You To Shout “Blood Of Jesus”

    1) N.Y.S.C posting:

    After paying to get Lagos, you see that you got posted to Zamfara or Nassarawa. This is the single greatest commander of the super B.O.J.

    Will Davido come to any camp that is not Lagos camp? You kid.

    2) J.A.M.B:

    After putting in to study Medicine and then seeing the admission list for you to study Newspaper science.

    3) After reading last week’s Sex Life article:

    I hear you can’t read this Zikoko article without screaming.

    Spoiler: One person slept with the bride, groom, bride’s brother. Click here to see for yourself.

    4) Turbulence in the air:

    If you have ever been on a plane with Nigerians during turbulence you understand what I am talking about.

    5) When you see all the questions you said wouldn’t come out in the exam hall:

    Number 1-5, I can’t answer any. God.

    6) When you get back from work and your cat says “good evening”:

    Your mates that meow, do they have two heads?

    7)When you talk back to your parents:

    “Blood of Jesus! so you want to beat me?” – African parent, 1960.

    8) When your dog barks instead of greeting you “good evening”:

    9) If you live in Lagos:

    You need to cover yourself with protection because this city is trying to kill you. From traffic congestion on the road to Okada ban to pointing elected officers, you need to be covered. And what better to cover yourself with?

    Hassan Yahaya

    ,
    , ,

  • What Is The Downside Of Getting A Promotion? – We Asked 10 Young Nigerians

    What Is The Downside Of Getting A Promotion? – We Asked 10 Young Nigerians

    Whenever we hear someone got a promotion at their place of work, our first instinct is to question ourselves and ask “what am I doing with my life?” Many times, the truth is that there are usually hidden costs associated with moving up in life. So, curious about the downside of getting ahead in life, we asked a few young Nigerians to share their experience with us. At the end of the day, everyone has their struggles in their own career progression bracket.

    Imposter Syndrome:

    Not Enough Time:

    Anxiety:

    Big Brother Is Always Watching:

    Fatigue:

    Not Interested:

    Envy:

    Black Tax Going Wayyyy Up:

    No Days Off Work:

    Regret:

    Hassan Yahaya

    , ,

  • We Asked 4 Nigerians To Share Their Infidelity Tales

    We Asked 4 Nigerians To Share Their Infidelity Tales

    We asked four two-timing Nigerians to share their stories and all I can say is, three out of them are way past the point of no return:

    Emmanuel, 27 – Always down to bone

    “Well, I’ve never felt responsible for upholding the sanctity of someone else’s relationship. I’ve hooked up with married people and people in long-term relationships. I don’t intentionally pursue them, but if I’m into someone and I find out they are taken, that doesn’t really phase me. If they are still willing to hook up, I’m down.”

    Zainab, 22 – The snog queen

    “In SS2, I went out with this boy. He was nice, but we had some issues – I low-key thought he was cheating on me. We took a break during the summer holiday and then, I met this other guy who was my neighbour. We hit it off immediately and had a hot make-out sesh. This is where the plot thickens – my boyfriend was friends with said neighbour. So, he found out about it.

    To this day, I have no idea if it was the other guy that outed what we did, but the story was that I had sex with him and I was like “hell, no!”. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that we were technically on a break at the time, but he wasn’t having it. And so, we broke up — typical Ross and Rachel stuff. If you watch friends, you’ll get it. We got back together but not for long.”

    Gbenga, 24 – The douche-y cheater

    “My girlfriend was beautiful – I said ‘was’ because without me by her side, she’s not that attractive (LOL). Anyway, she was beautiful but was way too clingy and at first, I liked it but it got annoying after a while.

    I met the girl I cheated on her with at the mall, and bruh, she was fine! like not just a snack but a whole damn meal. I went to talk to her, you know, putting on the sweet moves and of course, it worked. This girl was on me like white on rice. So anyway, I took her out on a couple dates for about a month before she let me get it. I liked her because she challenged me and was nothing like my girl. I know at this point you’re wondering why I didn’t just break up with her and the truth is, I just wanted to eat my cake and have it. Anyway, my girlfriend literally walked in on the new girl giving me head and that’s how i got caught cheating. I’d do it again though.”

    Mercy, 23 – My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

    “Firstly, I don’t think it’s cheating if a relationship isn’t defined, but I juggled four guys last year. Two of them found me out and got mad but I don’t know why they were so upset about it because we technically weren’t dating. I thought loyalty was only for I-want-to-marry-you people. “

    Have you ever cheated? Or have you been cheated on? Let us know!

    Haneefa Mohammad

    , ,

  • 6 Nigerians Share How They Would Raise the Question of Genotype

    6 Nigerians Share How They Would Raise the Question of Genotype

    From all the congratulations we have had to say in recent times, it’s obvious that many of us are getting married soon. In anticipation of all the adulting in front of us, one of the major issues we are going to face is the issue of genotype. These conversations can be awkward, so we decided to take all that awkwardness out of the way for you.

    We asked a couple of people how they would raise the conversation about genotype. Here are some of the responses:

    Dodo says malaria is how he is going to ask…

    “You must have malaria ooo. You will then add that I don’t know why I am having this malaria again but they said AC/AA/AS don’t always come down with malaria. This is like the third time this year and it has not happened before. The person will be forced to say their genotype in defense.”

    “What if you are in an accident?” – Alex the Great

    “Baby, do you have your blood group on your ID card? What if you are in an accident and you need a transfusion? Do you even know your genotype?“

    Ayoola says he has to ask on the first date

    “I have to ask on the first date so I know whether the relationship is going to be as invested as mutual funds or we are doing Detty December.”

    Iyanu says he‘s here for a good time and not a long time

    “I am AA, I don’t ask because let’s be honest, I don’t plan on building a future with you.”

    Kay says that it can come up as a date idea

    “What do you do for fun? Me, I enjoy long romantic walks to the lab to get tested.”

    Chidera is coming out to ask you directly. Guns blazing. No holds barred

    “There is no point sugarcoating it. I am just going to ask you plainly on the first interaction. You come up to me and say you like me, I respond with what’s your genotype?”

    Which method do you prefer the most? Tell us why in the comment section.

    Contributor

    , , , , ,

  • 9 Brand Names That Have Become Generic In Nigeria

    9 Brand Names That Have Become Generic In Nigeria

    Nigerians can make anything popular; if we all get behind a brand, that brand is made for life. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that some brands are used as a generic term for certain products or services because of how popular they’ve become.

    Here’s a list of some of them:

    1) NEPA:

    Long before the power sector was privatized in Nigeria, it was called the National Electric Power Authority (NEPA) in the 70s. However, NEPA has become a huge part of our lingo which is why everyone conveniently forgets that the name ceased to exist when it was changed to the Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN).

    Now, everyone in Nigeria knows that “Up NEPA” means one thing only–the low voltage and epileptic power supply is back on for everyone to use for few hours.

    2) Maggi:

    Due to its popularity as a longstanding brand in the cooking industry, Maggi remains the generic name for every other food seasoning.

    Nowadays, vendors always ask you to specify which brand you’re referring to when you ask for Maggi.

    3) Indomie:

    As far as Nigerians are concerned, every noodle is Indomie.

    So we disregard the fact that Indomie is a brand of noodles because nobody really cares about that distinction; just give us the noodle, let’s eat.

    4) Milo:

    Milo, a Nestle beverage product, has been tagged by many Nigerians as the generic name for every cocoa food drink in the country.

    5) Hypo:

    For a while, Jik was leading the pack but Hypo snatched its hat and has made itself the most recognized brand in the bleaching industry. The sad thing is, every other bleaching agent is now called Hypo.

    6) Bagco:

    Ask a market woman in Nigeria for a sack and she will correct you, saying; “Do you mean Bagco?”

    7) Gala:

    All hail Gala! This sausage roll brand has become the widespread name for every other sausage roll in Nigeria.

    So no matter how hard other companies try to stand out with their brand name, Gala knocks them dead by staying on the lips of every consumer.

    8) Dettol:

    Odds are if you ask any Nigerian what their favorite antiseptic brand is, the answer would be, Dettol. This is not because it actually is, but because everyone refers to all antiseptic liquid as Dettol.

    9) Macleans:

    If you’re one of those people who automatically think of Macleans when someone says toothpaste, then you sure fit into the category of Nigerians who call every toothpaste Macleans.

    Which brand do you think we left out? Let us know in the comments.

    Gabriella Opara

    ,
    ,

  • Let’s Talk About That Petty AF Farewell Poster

    Let’s Talk About That Petty AF Farewell Poster

    Her name is Mrs Eunice Adekemi Olamijuwon. She used to be the nursing leader at Wesley Guild Hospital in Ilesha until she was redeployed. Unknown to Mrs Eunice (or maybe she did know but didn’t care), the rest of the hospital staff hated her guts. Super stoked that she was finally leaving, they made this PETTY AS HELL banner and hung it out for everyone to see.

    Gurrrrrrrrrl! LMAO!

    A thing that kills me about this whole thing is how, at first glance, the banner looks like an obituary. Reading it for the first time, the “With gratitude to God” stirred up feelings of sadness because I expected “celebrate the life of…” to come next.

    “…inglorious REDEPLOYMENT of a MISCHIEVIOUS TYRANT” almost sent me to the great beyond. The sudden shift in tone coupled with the use of the word “Inglorious” – implying that she was redeployed for doing something shameful – made me choke on saliva as I proceeded to laugh for 5 minutes straight.

    Here’s how I think this banner came to be:

    Person 1 (hella excited): You will not believe what I just heard!

    Person 2: What?

    Person 1: Emperor Eunice has been redeployed!

    Person 2 (climbs on the table and announces loudly to the rest of the room): YOU GUYS! EMPEROR EUNICE IS LEAVING!!

    *Entire office does choreographed celebratory dance to Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration.”*

    Person 3: As she’s not our boss anymore, we should do something to embarrass her. Something that lets her know that if she was drowning and needed a floater, we’d throw her an anchor instead.

    Person 4: It also has to be something that lets the world know of our immense joy.

    Person 1 (smiles mischievously): Oh, I have the perfect idea.

    CUT TO PRINTER’S SHOP

    Printer (on a phone call): LFMAO! You said you want WHAT written on the banner?!

    Another thing we need to talk about is the hospital-wide meeting you just know they had to settle on the list of things the banner says Mrs Eunice would be remembered for. Let’s go through them:

    • Lies: LIES!
    • Mischiefs: With the “s”, huh?
    • High Handedness: I bet this was suggested by someone who asked to leave early one day and was told no.
    • Arrogance: That pose in the picture says it all tbh.
    • Divide and Rule: Why though? She was already their boss and in control. Why would she need to do this?
    • Power Drunkenness and Power Intoxication: Both are the same thing.
    • Disregard & Disrespect of Elder: Again, either one could’ve worked but I guess they went with both “disrespect” and “disregard” as a way to stress their point. Also, was there just one elder?
    • Fetishism: Worship of an inanimate object for its supposed magical powers OR heightened sexual interest in specific body parts? Did she use the power she got from magical objects to force them all to give her feet pics? WHICH IS IT?!
    • Sadism: Did she ever come to work dressed in a latex catsuit and stilettos while holding a whip?
    • Witch Hunting: I just imagined her burning hospital employees at the stake and JESUS CHRIST –

    I also like how the last line on the banner says, “Wesley Guild hospital is free at last. Glory be to God” like they just successfully got rid of a demon that’d been haunting the place.

    It’s entirely possible that Mrs Eunice never did any of these things, and the hospital’s staff just hated her because she’s a strict disciplinarian who refused to let them do whatever they wanted. (This is a government hospital and we all know how anyhow civil servants can be when it comes to work ethic.) Judging by this tweet from someone who claims to have done their IT in the same hospital, that’s pretty much what’s happened here.

    https://twitter.com/raphtopaz/status/1184737572523855874?s=20

    I mean, didn’t the same thing happen to Jesus?

    Astor George

    ,

  • Six Types of People You’ll Meet in a Cinema

    Six Types of People You’ll Meet in a Cinema

    Cinema going is a constantly rising culture in Nigeria and we are here for it. Oftentimes, a lot of us can’t wait to watch a newly premiered movie, so rather than wait a long time for the DVD’s we’d prefer to have the cinematic experience.

    But, you are bound to encounter one moviegoer that will annoy the heck outta of you, making you wish you’d stayed home instead. Here’s a list of 6 types of people you’d see in a cinema:

    1) The ones that just came to do PDA:

    Proceeding to make everyone uncomfortable because they couldn’t afford to get a room!

    2) The ones that will talk from the beginning of the film to the end:

    They will either speak loudly during a looooong phone conversation or their phone’s screen-light will never go off because of the nonstop texting.

    3) The narrators:

    Oh, their desire is to be a screenwriter, so they have a different scenario for each scene. Better still, they are the ones that have watched the movie before so they narrate EVERY SINGLE SCENE.

    4) The clappers:

    You’ve not been to a Nigerian cinema if you’ve not met them. They are the one’s who clap and hoot at every movie stunt. God help you if you are with them when Dwayne Johnson drags a helicopter with his bare hands.

    Pretty sure, movie producers and actors will love this enthusiasm though.

    5) The sleepers:

    “Why did you bother to leave your house,” is the thought that comes to mind when see these people. The next thing is sleep, once they get settled in.

    6 ) The foodies:

    These ones will unload the trailer load of food they sneaked in, alongside the popcorn and drinks they brought. And proceed to chew loudly.

    Which one of these people have you encountered? Which annoyed you the most?

    Gabriella Opara

    ,

  • How To Host Nigerians At A Dinner Party

    Maybe you’ve watched one too many episodes of ‘Come Dine With Me’. Or maybe hosting dinner parties is just your thing. If there’s anything you should know, it’s that hosting Nigerians at a dinner party is special. And in order for you to pull off a successful one, there are a couple of things you must know.

    Never bring out all your food out at once. Are you a learner?

    If you bring out all the food you want to serve at 8, the 5 out of 20 guests you invited will finish it before the rest come.

    If you invite 10 people, prepare for twenty.

    Because it’s impossible for Nigerians to go anywhere without a plus 1 or 5.

    Nigerians don’t know what the word RSVP means.

    If you like yourself better don’t cook based on who RSVPd.

    It’s best you make sure takeaway packs are available.

    It’s not as if people won’t still find a way to take food home o, it’s just part of being a good host.

    Your party is allowed to have any theme it wants. It can even be ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s. But there must be small chops and there must be jollof rice

    It’s written in the constitution.

    Always buy more alcohol than you’ll need.

    Especially if you don’t want to be looking for Jesus to help you turn your water into wine midway through your party. People will tell you ‘I don’t drink, I don’t drink’,  before you know it they’ve finished two bottles of wine.

    Hide food everywhere, if you don’t want to run out of food fast.

    It’s not enough to leave it in the kitchen and tell people not to touch it, it’ll carry leg. Put a cooler in your car, another in your wardrobe, another one on the roof. Don’t be surprised if they still carry leg, remember nowhere is safe.

    Depending on the number of people you are expecting, don’t be shy to use plastic plates.

    Nobody will judge you, they are only there for the food. Not only will cleanup be easier nobody will break the plate set your grandma’s grandma passed down to you.

    Keep anything you value and treasure in life under lock and key.

    Yes, you only invited 5 of your closest friends, but they’ll come with friends who will come with their own friends. Anything you don’t want to develop wings, better hide. Don’t let your case be one of had I known.

    If it’s really doing you to set a dress code you are free.

    But just prepare your mind many of your guests will show up in jeans and top, some will show up in outfits so different from the theme you’ll think they did it just to spite you.

    Your playlist must have Nigerian music.

    Black tie event but people are ready to zanku in their bow ties and dinner gowns so please give them some ‘Able God’.

    Keep anything gourmet off the menu, it’s really not for us Nigerians.

    Same Nigerians that can put eba, egusi and jollof on one plate are who you want to serve gourmet? Fear God.

    Now that you have all you need, don’t forget to invite me to your next dinner party.

    And don’t worry I’ll come with my own plastic for takeaway.

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

    , ,

  • 7 Animals That Have Suffered In The Hands Of Superstitious Nigerians

    Have you ever stopped to think about the long list of innocent animals who just want to chill and exist the way they were meant to but keep getting killed by superstitious Nigerians? Of course, you haven’t. Your human privilege has blinded you to the suffering of these poor little (occasionally big) guys.

    Well, I (a human who is aware of his privilege and has decided to use it for good) decided to interview a couple of these animals so you all can know what it’s like to be  slain in your prime due to false accusations of having ties to the “occult kingdom.”

    The following entries are from 7 animals who agreed to speak to me about the struggles they face. The entries are written in their voice.

    1) Cats

    “We get that we’re not the most affectionate pets, our glow-in-the-dark eyes are creepy, and, unlike dogs, we actually have our shit together. But we swear, not all of us are your bitter village relatives in disguise waiting for an opportunity to suck your blood. So please, quit freaking out whenever we show up to eat from your trash.” 

    2) Owls

    “I will never forget where I was when I heard my brother had died. He’d flown into a human family’s house one night to chill for a bit when he was brutally murdered because they thought he was there to harm them. All these accusations because of our large eyes, comically long legs, and our ability to turn our heads 360 degrees. We deserve better. My brother, Cornelius, deserved better.”

    3) Vultures

    “It’s bad enough that we’re discriminated against for eating dead things and being ugly as sin, superstitious Nigerians have thrown in accusations of being harbingers of death too. Na ugly we ugly oh, we no kill person. (We just eat the person when they die.)” 

    4) Galagos (Bush Babies)

    “We are not little people that go about with magic mats looking for greedy humans to kill. We were nicknamed “bush babies” because of the high-pitched sound we make. I’m guessing some idiot in history once mistook our cry for a human baby’s and proceeded to spread made up stories about forest-dwelling murderous magical midgets instead of just admitting he was wrong.”

    5) Bats

    “My unfortunate name aside (my parents were the literal worst), we don’t all suck blood. The ones that do (think of them like those trash family members you distance yourself from) aren’t even native to Africa, so Nigerians are safe. 

    So if we accidentally fly into your house, please don’t kill us and flush our bodies down the toilet. We’ll end up flying into your ceiling fan anyways.” 

    6) Snakes

    “Honestly, I blame Nollywood for perpetuating the stereotype that every snake that shows up is a spirit from the “marine kingdom” who will later shapeshift into a beautiful light-skinned girl and destroy destinies left and right. Yes, we have poisonous venom, but we only bite when we feel attacked. So, mind your business and we’ll mind ours.”

    7) Spiders

    “Spinning webs is not a joke. We make that shit to catch food. It is physically demanding and takes a long ass time. So imagine the frustration we feel when we come back to find our webs (and our food prospects) gone because some of you think walking into one is bad luck. Grow the fuck up!”

    Well, there you have it.

    Remember these stories next time you think of killing a snake JUST because it showed up in your toilet bowl.

    Astor George

    , ,

  • How To Be A Good House Guest In Nigeria

    It’s no news that Nigerians are generally very badly behaved. But no one is more badly behaved than a Nigerian houseguest. If they don’t show up without telling you first, they’ll tell you they want to stay 2 days and camp in your house for 2 months. If this sounds like you here are all the ways you can fix up today.

    Don’t just show up at someone’s house without at the very least 48 hours notice.

    Don’t you have manners? When they now do it to you, you’ll be crying.

    You can’t be eating someone’s food for two weeks and not contribute anything.

    Even if it’s just bread you buy one or two times buy something.

    Remember to give your hosts their space don’t wake them up at 7 am with supposed gist or for bible study.

    Please keep it to yourself until a respectable hour.

    You will think this one goes without saying but don’t invite your own guests to come and stay in someone else’s house.

    They told you, you could stay a couple of days and you decided to invite your church members to come and stay with you.

    Clean. Up. After. Yourself.

    The person hosting you is not your house help. Please, brethren be guided.

    If you say you are staying for 2 days please respect yourself and stay for two days.

    Don’t let two days turn into two weeks have the fear of God in you.

    Please always remember that the house you are staying in is not your house.

    If they don’t do 5 am morning devotion in the house you are staying please don’t wake them up with morning devotion at 5.

    You are not staying at a hotel you can’t be coming back to someone’s house at 2 am/ 3 am.

    You’ll not start waking them up at 2 am to open gate for you. Are you not a wicked person.

    If you visit every single month you’ve turned from guest to family member. Please always remember you are not a family member.

    Neither are you helping your hosts pay for rent or pay NEPA bills.

    Let me repeat myself your host’s house is not a hotel you can’t be making unnecessary demands.

    You noticed that the whole house is eating Jollof rice for lunch and you are asking if you can have pounded yam. Who do you think you are?

    Finally, please don’t forget your home training after you’ve left remember to thank your host.

    Showing up at their door again in another month is not a way to say thank you.

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

    ,

  • If You Live In Nigeria, We Can Bet These Are Your Neighbours

    Whether you’ve just moved into a new place or you’ve lived in your house for decades; we can guarantee that you’ve come across these typical Nigerian neighbours.

    The one who’s generator is always on. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week.

    Even if there’s light they won’t put it off because ‘NEPA will soon take the light’.

    The nosy ones who don’t even try to hide the fact that they are being nosy.

    Abeg sister that man that came to visit you last night, is that your brother?

    The ones that have the NEPA siren that goes off when there is light.

    If not for them you’ll just be wasting petrol.

    The ones who are always coming to beg you to charge their phones once you put on your gen.

    Oga you too on your gen now.

    The ones who block the street with canopies every weekend for party.

    Last week it was somebody’s naming ceremony. The week before that was birthday. This week it’s burial. And it’s not like they’ll even invite you for the party.

    The one who is forever knocking on your door to borrow something.

    If it’s not salt it’s broom. And before they return it, wahala.

    The ones who use their house for weekly fellowship and always asks when you’ll join them.

    Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

    The one who always corners you to give you gist that you didn’t ask for.

    “Did you know that Mummy Jamiu’s son impregnated someone? “

    The ones who will wake you up in the morning with prayers and keep you up at 1am with prayers.

    Because if their neighbours can’t hear them praying, God won’t answer their prayers.

    As if your prayer warrior neighbour is not enough, there must be a church on your street too.

    Sometimes even two or three. As one id finishing their service, the other one is starting.

    The ones who will appoint themselves as street or estate chairman.

    They’ll also take it upon themselves to start collecting monthly dues.

    The one you’ve never seen in your life.

    You can be living there for ten years and never meet them. You’ll only be seeing the light in their house going on and off.

    The one who has a bigger family than Abraham.

    Every day you will see a new face coming out of the house.

    The resident baby boy or baby girl.

    They don’t have any stress at all.

    So answer with your chest now; which neighbour are you?

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

    , , , , , ,

  • All The Ridiculous Things Nigerians Will Tell You When You’re Struggling With Mental Health

    As far as the average Nigerian is concerned mental health issues don’t exist for us. If you are depressed or suffering from some sort of mental illness, it’s either your village people who are doing you or you need deliverance. In fact, if you’ve ever heard a Nigerian talk about mental health we are pretty sure you heard something along the lines of these statements.

    “Have you prayed about it? Let me give you my pastor’s number”

    “It’s that the only thing that’s doing you, your own is even small, my landlord gave me quit notice yesterday”

    “I don’t blame you, it’s because you don’t have real problems to think about”

    “Depressed ke? God forbid, have you eaten today, maybe you are hungry”

    “You want to talk to a therapist? For what? It’s like you think you are oyinbo”

    “Ahan you too you are depressed, it’s like this thing is trending now”

    “Better go and pray about it, such shall never be your portion in Jesus name”

    “It’s just a phase jo it’ll pass, don’t worry”

    “Ahan you are wearing cloth, you can eat everyday, there are clothes on your back, what more do you want?”

    “You just like to dey overthink, it’s not that serious”

    “You want to get help? You don’t know that you have to help yourself first abi?”

    “Are you the only one? We are all sad please, stop making a big deal about it”

    “You just like attention sha”

    “At your small age, what do you have to be anxious about?”

    “You are just too sensitive abeg”

    “You have to pray more o, don’t let the devil manifest himself in your life”

    “Wait I don’t understand, so…you are mad?”

    “Wo you are not alone, the way it’s doing you is the way it’s doing all of us.”

    “Shh don’t talk about it, you want your enemies to use it against you?”

    If you’ve ever been guilty of saying any of the above, we are here to tell you that you need to do better. If you know someone who is struggling with mental health issues, it’s not enough to just help them pray about it.

     

    If you need someone to talk to, the guys at MANI are doing incredible work, and we stan.

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

    , , , , , , , ,

  • Here’s Why Nigerians Love Goya Olive Oil

    Since time immemorial Nigerians have had a special relationship with Goya Olive Oil. We don’t know how it started or when it started but we can’t get over these creative ways Nigerians have chosen to use Goya.

    As anointing oil.

    Go to any church in Nigeria where anointing oil is used and we can guarantee you it’ll be Goya.

    To cook.

    Of course, this is after it has been turned into anointing oil by your church.

    To protect yourself from your enemies.

    Rub it on your head morning afternoon and night and the people from your village will not find you.

    As medicine.

    Whether it’s malaria or cough just drinking one spoonful every day until you are healed.

    To protect ourselves after coming in contact with one of our enemies.

    If that woman they said is a witch from your father’s village should touch you, just use Goya to rub where she touched you and nothing can happen.

    As body lotion when you run out of cream.

    You’ll just be shining and glowing in the Lord when you use it.

    To deliver you from evil spirits.

    Is any deliverance complete without anointing oil?

    Please what else do Nigerians use Goya Olive Oil for?

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

    , , ,

  • Here’s The Most Appropriate Time To Have Sex According To Nigerian Parents

    Nigerian parents have a very funny relationship with sex. Even though they’ll rather eat a stone than talk about sex, we’ve figured out when Nigerian parents would like you to start having sex.

    When you are married and living in your matrimonial home.

    Team virgin till marriage. Nothing else is acceptable.

    When you are ready to go and meet your maker

    Because that’s where they’ll send you if they catch you fornicating.

    After you’ve started having children.

    What you did to have the children in the first place is none of their business.

    When your pastor says it’s the right time.

    And we all know when our pastors say it’s ok to start having sex.

    If you are a woman, once you hit the age of 30.

    Because as long as their God is alive you should be in your matrimonial home by then.

    When you’ve refused to marry and give them grandchildren.

    Just go out into the world and get us a grandchild we don’t want to know how you did it.

    There’s never an appropiate time, close your legs and face your front.

    Virgin for life.

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

    , , , , ,

  • Savings Struggles You Can Definitely Relate To

    You know the feeling of setting a savings goal and with ginger you actually start to save, only for you to somehow sha break into it before you even reach halfway through your goal timeline? We can totally relate, so we’ve decided to create a list of some of our saving struggles.

    Money? What’s that?

    How do you take something out of nothing? Don’t angry me, please! *crying in unemployment*

    How much am I even earning?

    Man never chop finish, you’re talking about saving. I can see you don’t have my best interests at heart.

    Automated payments

    “Baba God, tell me I’m dreaming. These people have removed my last change. Who sent you? Who sent you?!”

    Have you seen the price of garri in the market?

    It’s like you don’t know what is happening in the country. You can’t even price anyhow anymore. Just leave me to be managing my life.

    Food

    How will I buy food if I keep saving? Please let me enjoy; life is one.

    Internet

    Ordinary small breeze will blow and all your data will finish. Oh, well. *buys more data*

    I got 99 problems but saving ain’t one

    And on the other end of the spectrum, we have the non-savers. “What is saving, please? Don’t insult my personality. I just keep making this schmoney! Call me OBO.”

    What do y’all spend money on that you wish you didn’t have to? Tweet us @zikokomag!

    Sade

    , , , , , , , , ,

  • 10 Hangout Spots Your Parents Would Approve Of

    When I was younger, I used to go the movies with friends at 10pm, go for house parties, and even have sleepovers that involved pillow fights.

    But they were in my imaginations and don’t let me lie, it was wonderful.

    These things only took place in my imaginations because I grew up in a Nigerian home.

    And my parents had other plans for me.

    Even though in reality, I wasn’t able to participate in any of the things I mentioned above, I must say my parents still allowed me have fun in some really cool places.

    At least according to their standards.

    If you’re feeling anything I’ve been saying, then this is for you. Let’s analyse the theory behind some places our parents allowed us hangout freely.

    Don’t worry, we’d pass through this together.

    One of our parent’s favourite places to take us to was the church or mosque. Because what could be more fun that being in the temple of God 24/7?

    Nothing mum, absolutely nothing beats that. You’re the best!

    After church, if you decide to have a little more fun, Bible study is the place for you. You’d wonder how something that has the word ‘study’ in it can be fun, right?

    See, once you start biting your fingers and cutting paper, imagining roller coasters and winking at strangers, It turns to Disneyland at Bible study.

    It get’s a bit bearable when you’re on holidays, because you have the option of going to your cousins house. Not just any cousin though.

    You know that cousin that clearly has two heads? Aways carrying book, watches the news, and even loves doing house chores. Yes that cousin. That’s where you can go.

    If you refuse to go to your cousins house, there’s always the option of hanging out with your mum, which is a lot of fun, especially when it’s at the market.

    “We won’t even be long, I just want to buy garri” *3 hours later* you’re carrying rice, beans, pepper, meat, fish, chicken, salt, yam, etc. Then.. “ha I forgot to buy garri o”

    Or you can at least follow your mum or dad to the office. Learn a few things about their work.

    Or just read newspaper.

    You actually miss being in school during the holidays. No, like you start to miss your friends and even your worst teacher. And trust me, according to our parents, this is still the best place to hangout.

    Especially in class, oh how sweet it is to hear the sound of your teacher’s voice.

    After class, do not, I repeat, do not go and play. Go to the library, hang out in the library, learn new things.

    Like how to whisper, how to spin books on one finger, how to throw paper on your friends head, it’s a whole world of endless fun.

    You know those youth camps your church or mosque organises. Now this is one place you actually genuinely have fun..sometimes.

    And your parent’s are actually confident in letting you learn about your religion for a few days.

    Let’s talk about your house, the best place to hang out. For example; “Mummy, I want to go and play in my friend’s house tomorrow.”

    So you can’t play with your brother and sister abi? You better sit down in this house!

    Years later, “Mummy I’m going out”. Okay I hope you’re going to hang out in your husband’s house oh.

    Please as you’re going don’t come back to this house oh. “Ha mummyy”

    After a few more years, you have your own child. “Mummy I want to go for my friends house party please”. Ehn? You better dress up and let’s go for Bible study.

    Wawu what is life?

    Eniola

    , ,

  • Senegalese Dishes Your Nigerian Tastebuds Will Love

    With influences from North African, French, and Portuguese cuisine as well as from the nation’s many ethnic groups, Senegalese cuisine is delightfully unique to experience! Here are a few dishes your Nigerian palette will absolutely fall in love with.

    1. Chicken Yassa

    Yassa is made of chicken pieces that are marinated in onions, lime juice, vinegar and peanut oil then grilled before being cooked over low heat in its marinade. When served with white rice, this makes for an unforgettable flavorful dish.

    2. Mafe

    Mafe is a very delicious traditional Senegalese food. It’s made of meats or fish cooked in groundnut paste, then served with white rice. Totally yummy.

    3. Caldou

    I’m a huge fish lover, so for me, Caldou is an A+ dish. It’s made of fish cooked in palm oil, then is served with white rice and a lime sauce. Just thinking about this is making me hungry.

    4. Thierre bassi salte

    Basse Salte is a delicacy made from seasoned meats or fish cooked in tomato paste and vegetables. Served with the local couscous, you’re going to be begging for more.

    5. Lakhou Bissap

    Lakhou Bissap is a very interesting Senegalese dish that you should definitely try. It is made of semolina and meat or fish and has the consistency of a soup.

    6. Salatu Niebe

    This! Salatu niebe is a wonderful and colourful black-eyed pea salad. Made with tomatoes, cucumbers, parsley and a host of other vegetables, this is very delicious, take it from me.

    7. Firire

    Firire is fried fish and onion sauce that can be served with bread, fries, salads and so much more. It is truly delicious.

    8. Soupou Kandja

    Soupou Kandja is an okra sauce made with loads of meats and palm oil. When accompanied with rice, this is a match made in heaven.

    9. Check out this recipe for Chicken Yassa

    https://youtu.be/uIVyIpTgV_U
    What other Senegalese dishes would y’all recommend?

    Sade

    , , , , ,

  • These Dishes Would Make You Apply For Kenyan Citizenship

    East African food might be entirely new to the Nigerian palette, but I can assure you that you’re going to love these Kenyan dishes!

    1. Ugali na Sukuma Wiki

    The most popular Kenyan food, Ugali is a staple. It is made from cornmeal that is added to boiling water and stirred until it forms into a cake. When accompanied with beef, mushroom, fish sauce or sukuma wiki (green vegetable soup), this is one meal you’d like to try again.

    2. Irio

    Irio is a delicious local dish made of potatoes, peas, green vegetables and sometimes corn, that is boiled and then mashed. It is sometimes served with grilled steak called nyama choma. The combination is called Nyama na Irio. Irio can also be served with other Kenyan-style stews.

    3. Githeri

    Githeri is a delicious combination of beans, corn, beef, beef stock, potatoes and vegetables that are cooked in tomato sauce. It is usually served with either white bread or Swahili chapati. Chapati is Kenyans’ favourite bread, made with white flour, salt and oil.

    4. Pilau

    Pilau is rice flavoured with spices cooked in stock meat, chicken, fish or most especially, goat meat. Kinda like jollof rice. Totally delicious.

    5. Matoke

    Another Kenyan staple, Matoke is a delicious dish of plantain bananas that are cooked with some oil, tomatoes, onions, garlic, chilies, meat and lemon juice. The plantain bananas are cooked until very soft and it begins to form a thick, delicious sauce.

    6. Maharagwe

    Maharagwe is a sweet stew made up of red kidney beans cooked in coconut milk and spices. The coconut milk gives it a thick, buttery consistency and it is just perfect with some Chapati.

    7. Nyama Choma

    Nyama Choma is a delicacy of beef or goat roasted until very tender. Fish and chicken are also used. The meat is usually seasoned with salt and left to cook in its own juices, and it can be served with plain rice.

    Sade

    , , , , , ,

  • Here’s Every Time Nigerian Politicians Were Seen Doing Everything But Their Jobs

    To say that we are tired of Nigerian politicians, might be the understatement of the year. But our biggest problem with Nigerian politicians might be the fact that they don’t seem to know what their jobs entail. Here’s every time we’ve caught them doing everything but their jobs.

    Rauf Aregbesola playing dress up in school uniform

    We asked around and nobody could figure out why this picture came to be. Was he trying to show the primary school students that he was one of them? Or helping them model their school uniform?

    And here’s Rochas Okorocha roasting corn because what else is left to govern in Imo state.

    You know all the roads are fixed, there are enough schools and hospitals the next thing the governor needs to be doing with his time is roasting corn.

    Here’s Okorocha again in a school uniform supposedly teaching children.

    What’s the need to employ qualified teachers to teach the children of Imo when he can do it himself.

    Iyiola Omisore taking a joy ride on an okada

    How else can Iyiola Omisore show that he’s truly a man of the people other than riding around on an okada?

    When Rotimi Amaechi decided that being a governor wasn’t challenging enough for him, he decided to add hairdressing to his C.V.

    Then there’s the time Dino Melaye decided that being a video vixen was his true calling.

    You people are the ones forcing him to continue being a senator.

    When Buhari decided that being president is merely a side gig and being a travel blogger is what he really wants to be in life.

    Lagos today, London tomorrow. Baby boy goals.

    When Fayose decided to become a tailor.

    What a humble and hardworking politician, sewing his own clothes.

    Here’s Fayose again selling ewa-agayin

    At this point, we need to recognize that Fayose’s antics are a cry for help. Someone is clearly forcing him to continue being a politician.

    When they decided to turn the senate building into a wrestling ground.

    Can you see that their role models are Mohammed Ali and Bash Ali.

    We know you as tired as we are of all theses Nigerian politicians as we are.

    So if you still haven’t collected your PVC you had better go now, the deadline is August 17, 2018, so you know you don’t have a lot of time left.

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

    , , , , ,

  • You Won’t Believe What Other Africans Think About Nigerians

    Any Nigerian who lives in Nigeria knows that we are very special people with very peculiar characteristics. But even we were shocked by these things other Africans seem to believe about Nigerians.

    Ghanians really believe that we don’t have the best Jollof on the continent.

    Imagine the insult. Just look at this plate of Nigerian Jollof, how can you say it’s not the best.

    That we are all fraudsters and scammers.

    Just because of one or two yahoo boys we have scattered here and there. We are upstanding people, please.

    That all our leaders are corrupt and all they do is embezzle money.

    It’s not us that’ll dispute this one sha.

    There is oil coming out of everyone’s backyard.

    Even the one they said we have, we are yet to see the benefits.

    That most of Nigeria looks just like Lagos.

    We know you keep seeing pictures of this bridge in Lagos when you google Nigeria. Don’t let it mislead you this is not how the rest of the country looks.

    That there are only three ethnic groups in the whole country – Igbo, Hausa, Yoruba.

    There are a whole 250 ethnic groups, they don’t call us giant of Africa for nothing.

    We are always happy.

    No, we are not, epp us please, we are suffering.

    That our men are very romantic.

    Please don’t let Nollywood deceive you.

    We have the best music in Africa, even though they don’t understand our lyrics.

    We really can’t argue with this one, I mean we have Davido, Wizkid and Yemi Alade.

    We are very arrogant

    We might not have 24/7 electricity but I repeat, we have Wizkid, Davido and Yemi Alade why won’t our shoulders be up. Please don’t vex us.

    We are louder and flashier than the average African.

    We are very humble, again don’t let all these Nollywood movies deceive you.

    We know we have a couple of non-Nigerians on here. What other crazy things do you believe about us?

    Toketemu Ohwovoriole

    , , , , , , , ,

  • What It Feels Like Waiting For The Premier League To Start

    The most-beloved Premier League is back!

    I would have said the UEFA Champions League, but a lot of you don’t make it that far hehe.

    This is you as soon as the Premier League season ends

    Even though there are like ten other competitions in the year. It is never enough.

    For the one month between the end of the World Cup and the start of the Premier League, this is how you look

    “What shall I do with my life now?”

    You’ll just be playing FIFA anyhow and telling yourself that “at least it’s football.”

    Even though you’re actually wack and will probably just get frustrated as your friend whoops you over and over.

    When you check the calendar

    This is what the days look like to you. “Na wah o, this month is slow o.” Even though it’s already the second day of the month.

    When you have to pay your family and friends attention because, nothing else to do.

    Only to realise that they haven’t forgiven you yet for choosing football over them.

    That’s when you will discover your hidden talents.

    I bet you didn’t know you could bake, huh?

    This is you ordering your team’s new jersey even though you’ve been claiming broke to your family and girlfriend for weeks.

    LOL let’s be honest, this isn’t you. You’re going to wash that your old jersey from two seasons ago, and you don’t have a girlfriend.

    When one whole week of no football passes, then God blesses you with a few games.

    International Champions Cup… well, close enough to Premier League.

    But then you remember that you now have to pay for Cable regularly.

    “Chimoooo! Almost twenty thaaasand!”

    But no matter what it costs, no matter what it takes, you’ll be here to cheer your favourite team

    Because what is true love without sacrifice?

    So Premier League lovers, what other emotions have you experienced since the World Cup ended? How excited are you for the next season? Rep your club!

    Sade

    , , , , , , , , , ,