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Nigerians | Page 31 of 44 | Zikoko!
  • 10 Nigerians Who Clearly Have Extra Lives At Home

    10 Nigerians Who Clearly Have Extra Lives At Home

    The fact that you are walking around with one life doesn’t mean that other Nigerians don’t have extra lives. 

    Here are a few examples of Nigerians who clearly have extra lives at home.

    1. Bikemen/Okada drivers.

    God gave everyone one life and gave bikemen nothing less than 10lives. If you’ve ever been on a bike in Nigeria, we’re sure you know what we are talking about. Okada drivers have more lives than Super Mario. 

    2. Lafun eaters. 

    Lafun

    Why are you eating something that lacks taste and personality? Really? Lafun doesn’t know if it’s amala or not and you are letting that into your tummy. 

    3. The babe that called Bubu a bad boy.

    555,028 Warning Sign Stock Photos, Pictures & Royalty-Free Images - iStock

    That babe has more lives than everybody in Nigeria combined. She doesn’t only have extra lives, she also has a new body and more liver than all of us together. We don’t know if we want to be like her or if we should be afraid of her.

    4. Nigerians who wear camouflage outfits out in Nigeria.

    This set of people have extra lives and they actually go out with their extra lives. They obviously do not fear anyone and go home every day to top up their life quota.

    5. People who go hiking in Nigeria.

    The problems in Nigeria are already long enough. Why do you need to walk many miles to see it from different angles?. Putting your life at risk to view a Nigerian city means you have another life you are not yet using at home. 

    6. People who go jogging by 5 am.

    You obviously have no fears. All you have to do is jog back home to refill your life. Keep it up. 

    7. Nigerian bus conductors.

    This job comes with spare life. God gave us the regular 1-10 lives package but gave bus conductors 20. Smells like ojoro to us.  

    8. People who argue with bus conductors.

    You’ve heard that bus conductors have extra lives, yet you’re still arguing with them? It must mean you too have your own extra lives that you kept somewhere. We are afraid of you. 

    9. People who eat yam porridge.

    If you choke on that porridge you’re eating, what will happen to you? Yes, you guessed right. You’ll probably not die since your extra life is in your pocket.

    10. Nigerians who argue with police officers.

    See, we don’t need to talk too much about this one. Do you know who Nigerian police officers are? If you argue with them, there’s a secret you’re not telling us. 

  • 10 Annoying Things Nigerians Need To Stop Doing To Other People

    10 Annoying Things Nigerians Need To Stop Doing To Other People

    Dear Nigerians, we know you have good intentions. But sometimes, you need to check those good intentions before someone decks you. If you know you do these things to other people, whether they are strangers or people you know, please stop. It’s not proper.

    1. Pulling down a stranger’s blouse or t-shirt because their waist bead is peeking out.

    No, but what is your problem? Can’t you see something and turn your eyes away?

    2. Walking up to them to pull their sleeves because their bra strap is showing.

    The question for you is “Why?” Why did you do that?

    3. Seeing people and asking them why they have gained so much weight.

    fave-bros | Zikoko!

    Clearly, boundaries mean nothing to some of you.

    4. Seeing them and asking why they are not pregnant yet.

    Whatever spirit that wants to make you ask this kind of question, please rebuke it.

    5. Grabbing them to get their attention.

    This is really horrible, sha. And it’s wild when you are going on the road and someone grabs you to come buy their wares or come enter their bus. Please stop it. Really.

    6. Seeing them and asking, “Hope you are still a virgin oh?”

    If you ask me this, I’m going to assume you want to sleep with me. Because, clearly, there is no other reason to ask me such a personal question.

    7. Peering into a stranger’s phone because they are next to you on the bus.

    The worst part is when they tell you, “Bros please scroll down a little, I have not finished reading that part.” Excuse me, is everything alright at home?

    8. Dipping hands into someone’s food because you know them.

    8 Nigerians Talk About Food Issues In Their Relationship | Zikoko!

    Even if you are dating, please minimise this act. Or maybe ask them before you chook your spoon or hand inside their food.

    9. Commanding them to give you something because you know they can afford it two times over.

    In this economy where everyone is struggling? LMAO you better check yourself.

    10. Going on a stranger’s picture to comment rubbish.

    This is really unkind, sha. If someone posts and the only comment you have is something horrible, just look and pass. It’s not every post you must respond to.

    [donation]

  • QUIZ: If You Get 10/23 On This Quiz, You Need To Wash Your Head

    QUIZ: If You Get 10/23 On This Quiz, You Need To Wash Your Head

    Are you even Nigerian if you’ve not experienced some of these before? Take the quiz:

    Check all the things you have experienced:

  • 8 Statements That Only Makes Sense To Nigerians

    8 Statements That Only Makes Sense To Nigerians

    There are some statements that only make sense to Nigerians, you’d think that would make someone finally make a Nigerian dictionary but no. Here are 8 of those statements.

    1. Upstanding

    How? How will someone be upstanding? If you are up, you are standing. Choose one. Nigerian pastors love to use this word a lot “Dearest congregation, let us be upstanding as we welcome the guest pastor” you people make me tired.

    2. Come and be going

    Why do you want me to come before I can go? I’d like to know how this even became a thing. Because it should not make sense at all but it does. Who started this? Show yourself, you need beating. 

    3. Not on seat

    If you watch a lot of old Nigerian films or you are constantly going to look for that uncle that promised you a job, you must be familiar with this statement that only makes sense to Nigerians. Why can’t we just say that the person isn’t available or isn’t around?

    4. Ember month

    Since we are close to September I have to add this. We get it, bad things somehow manage to happen a lot at that time of the year but you people decided to give it a name? Doesn’t the bible say something about naming things and giving them life? 

    5. Barbing salon

    You know what? I get it. Some of the atrocities committed in the salon will make you want to insult and degrade it like this too. Maybe when your barber learns how to give you the haircut you asked for, you can call it a barbershop.

    6. Dress back

    Again, how? How do I dress back? Why does dress mean move? How did that happen? Anyways, if you like, don’t dress back when an elderly woman asks you to, you and your generation will receive the insult of your life.  

    7. Next tomorrow 

    Of all the statements that only make sense to Nigerians, this is the most unnecessary. What does “next tomorrow” mean? Why can’t we just mention the day of the week or date? 

    8. Trafficate

    You don’t even need to own a car to know this word in this country. This word is used to describe a situation where a driver indicates to other drivers that they want to take a turn. It has become so normalized that Nigerians don’t know that we are the only ones that use this word.


  • 8 Simple Things That Make You Happy The Older You Get

    8 Simple Things That Make You Happy The Older You Get

    There are very few things that make adults happy. The word ‘adult’ here is used loosely because some of you are 18 and you only barely qualify as adults. Truth is, the older you get, the more simple things make you happy. 

    1. Finding the perfect grocery store

    Not everyone can say that they have achieved this. Do you know how blissful it feels to find a store that meets all your shopping needs and also has good vibes? It’s a 10/10 experience that is simple but also makes you happy.

    2. Paying your bills on time

    Just so you know, it will hurt like hell when the money for said bills leaves your account. But knowing that you can have peace of mind for a short while slaps.

    3. Taking naps

    The older you get, the easier it becomes to fall asleep. You’ll nap when they break your heart for the fifth time, when you don’t get that promotion you wanted, and every time you get debited for breathing.

    4.  Choosing what you want to eat

    Growing up, you had to settle for whatever your parents let you eat. As an adult, you settle for what your bank account will let you eat. But at least you get to choose. 

    5.  Practical gifts

    When you are young, gifts like socks, plants, or weighted blankets might make you think that the giver hates you. But as you get older, you realize that those gifts might be simple but they’ll make you really happy. This does not mean that you should become the kind of person that gives people socks oh. Spa tickets are also practical.

    6.  Weekends with no plans

    See, going out and having the time of your life is fun and all but staying in and just chilling with no plans, not even chores, gives happiness a new meaning.

    7.  Completing your to-do list

    If you are the kind of person that makes lists to give yourself a sense of accomplishment, you already know how great it feels when you tick every box off or even just half of it. Create your happiness.

    8. Having clean sheets

    From the process of laying the bed, to lying on it, it’s a really good feeling. This is also a reminder to wash your sheets today guys. 


  • 6 Nigerians Tell Us Why They Don’t Like Their Parents

    6 Nigerians Tell Us Why They Don’t Like Their Parents

    Parents might have been the ones that birthed us, but that does not mean everyone likes theirs. 6 Nigerians tell us why they don’t like their parents.

    Sarah, 18

    I don’t like my parents because of all the physical and emotional abuse I’ve gone through with them over the years. Some might see it as “discipline” or “training” but all it did was traumatise me and maybe make me develop some concerning kinks. It didn’t help matters that when I tried to talk to them about it so we could bury the hatchet and at least try to live harmoniously, all I got was more abuse.

    Bolanle

    So, I don’t like one of my parents and since I have moved from hate, this is progress. Now, I just wish they never existed in the first place. I don’t like that my father was not present in my life while growing up and when he came back around the time I was 16, he didn’t come back to stay. He came back to be inconsistent and mess with my mental health. Whenever I feel like I have made progress and I’m getting better, my dad shows up again to take me back to ground zero. If he were dead, this wouldn’t be happening.

    Lily, 21

    How utterly alone talking to them makes me feel. Everything turns into a lecture or a disagreement and it would be nice to just get things off my chest with the people who birthed me. I can’t even see a dress and comment on it without my mother making weird faces and talking about decency. I would have liked to be able to talk to my mum to talk about the stupid boys that broke my heart, but I had to figure all that out myself. I love them, but I don’t like them and I’m happiest when I’m not around them.

    Jane, 44

    My mum and I are currently estranged because she made fun of me for being sexually attacked as a child. She then lied to say I never told her. It was such a horrible lie that I went on with life with no contact with her. She could always be found to be on the side of people who did me harm.

    It is her consistent and clear choice. My former brother-in-law was abusive to my sister. My mum would entertain him and even let him know where my sister was staying when he was stalking her. I had to protect myself and with space, I had to think. I knew and had to accept that I did not like her.

    Zainab, 20

    I don’t hate my parents. In fact, I like to believe that I love them very much. I just don’t like them. My parents see me as an extension of themselves, constantly forcing their way of life on me. I like to believe I’m an adult and can make certain decisions by myself, or that I know what’s right for me and what isn’t. They don’t think so. It’s irritating and leads to resentment. I really love my parents, but I resent them for not letting me by myself.

    Derin, 22

    I don’t hate them, I just don’t exactly like them. Especially my mum. She’s extremely difficult and ununderstanding. If she wasn’t my mum, I wouldn’t like to be her friend or want to be associated with her, but I don’t hate her. She gives me anxiety and can be very toxic. We don’t have a good relationship and she has never tried to build one but she seems to be forcing it these days which gets me annoyed.

    My father on the other hand turns a blind eye when my mum is being herself. That’s why I don’t him so much. I think I have mixed feelings about him but my mum? I don’t.


    [donation]

  • 8 Types Of Nigerian Aunties You Know

    With Nigerian Aunties, it is one of two things. Either they make life soft or a living hell for you. There’s the one that is basically your elder sister and the one that is always in your business 24/7. Here are 8 types of Nigerian aunties.

    1.The rich Nigerian aunty

    This type of Nigerian aunty is the oga of them all. She sends money when you are at your most broke, not just on your birthday. It’s almost as if she can read your mind. This is the one aunty that can do no wrong in your books.

    2. The aunty that always sends WhatsApp broadcast messages

    This type of Nigerian aunty believes in every and any conspiracy theory out there. According to her, Obama is the antichrist and you should drink lime every morning when you wake up to prevent cancer. You sometimes wonder how she manages to come out of her house when she is afraid of everything. The worst part is that she won’t enjoy her nonsense alone, she’d send it to you or your mum who actually believes it.

    3. The aunty that stays abroad

    She always buys you nice things on your list when she comes to visit Nigeria but somehow still manages to be strict. You don’t know if you like her or if you like her gifts. 

    4.The one that monitors your life

    I like to call this on CCTV because she’s always monitoring you. You’ve blocked her on most social media but she always finds a way to monitor you. If she was just doing this and keeping the information to herself there won’t be a problem but no, she will call your parents personally to tell them that you are being wayward. The question is why are you, an old person, in another person’s business? 

    5. The spiritual aunty 

    In the battle of worst to best Nigerian aunties, she wins. Spending time in her house is a nightmare, they are always praying against one thing or the other. She also either gives birth to your favourite cousins or your least favourite cousins and no there’s no in-between.

    6. The aunty that doesn’t send anybody

    She’s not on the family group chat, she doesn’t pick calls, doesn’t partake in family drama and people only see her once in five years. Her kids are fun to be around and she is a lot more open-minded for someone her age. She’s not about that stressful life.

    7. The aunty that’s your dad’s sister

    This one doesn’t even qualify to be called an aunty, this type of Nigerian aunty doesn’t do anything for you. She doesn’t call, send money or check up on you but will be offended that you graduated from school and didn’t invite her. A clown.

    8. The aunty that is actually your cousin

    She is that one cousin that has always and will always be several years older than you and because you didn’t know what to call her, you started calling her Aunty. She is the best of them all, she might not be as rich but she will always show up for you and she is always on your side. The best babe for real.


  • 7 Animals You Shouldn’t Turn Into in Nigeria

    7 Animals You Shouldn’t Turn Into in Nigeria

    Living in Nigeria is very interesting. People turn to animals, animals swallow money, and get away with it because no one bats an eye. Everything that happens here is unusual. So if you’re ever looking to get out of trouble by turning into an animal, here are seven animals you should not turn into.

    1. A Cat

    I don’t recommend this animal because people generally don’t like them. Well, except lesbians. If you turn into this animal, Nigerians will kill you because they think cats are witches. (Thanks a lot, Nollywood.) Don’t try it.

    Nobody: You as a cat.

    2. A Dog 

    This one is man’s best friend so people hardly ever kill dogs. Except for those *coughs* people. Just don’t turn into that bingo/local dog breed because you will suffer if you can’t turn back.

    3. A Goat

    Isi Ewu, Asun, and goat meat pepper soup all have one thing in common. Goat. If you turn into this animal, there’s no going back. You won’t even be alive for more than a day. At least you’ll die knowing that you’ll feed people and taste great.

    4. A Rat

    Why would you even set yourself up like this? I don’t need to tell you that you will die that same day. Don’t try it. Rats are disgusting, so if you turn into one, find their bases and poison them. Do this last thing for your real people.

    Kill them all, don’t think twice.

    5. A Snake 

    Don’t think that you will be safe because you’ve turned into something dangerous. People are still looking for the snake that swallowed money a few years ago, and with the way things are, there is definitely someone out there randomly tearing up snakes left and right in search of that money.

    How you’ll end up.

    6. A Cow

    Will you become a first-class citizen? Yes, but that is not the point. Do you know how many things people rely on cows for? If anybody sees a stray cow do you think they will let it live? Better jazz up.

    7. A Bat 

    No story involving bats ends well. Why would yours be an exception? These things are basically rats with wings. Do you know how scary that is? It doesn’t help that our imaginary association of flying people are known to turn into bats. To be forewarned is to escape death.

  • 10 Reasons Nigerians Won’t Survive An Apocalypse

    10 Reasons Nigerians Won’t Survive An Apocalypse

    Nigerians in an apocalypse sounds worse than whatever fuckery we are living in right now. We don’t know how to be quiet or stealthy, except Nigerian fathers when they are coming to slap your head. So, how we go run am?

    1. All our foods can be smelt a mile away

    Sometimes it’s not even the smell; it’s the frying palm oil loudly, the pounding of yam, the pepper boiling. If there’s a monster  nearby, we will get caught.

    2. We don’t know how to be quiet

    Nigerians can shout for no reason. When they are happy, sad or tired, they are always shouting. If you ask them to stop, they’ll say you are being disrespectful.

    3. The government will steal everything before people can loot

    In American movies, you’ll see people looting abandoned shops. I just want Nigerians to know that there will be nothing to loot. Just look at how the government hoarded indomein during the lockdown for instance.

    4. People will stay in religious houses instead of safe zones

    Nigerian mothers would rather die in church than go to a safe zone and I get it tbh. Why are you trying to survive an apocalypse in the first place?

    5. We won’t be able to generate power

    If there’s one thing, we cannot boast of; it’s good electricity. Do you think they don’t bring light now? Just wait for the apocalypse first.

    6. Lack of a scientific team

    Please point me in the direction of any renowned or even upcoming scientist in Nigeria. Not the one that has travelled abroad, and we are desperately claiming. And their invention better not be another water-powered generator.

    7. Nigerians like to hoard

    From nylon bags to plastic plates, it’s a big problem. How exactly will Nigerians survive an apocalypse like this?

    8. No Nigerian is ready for climate change

    Small rain and people start complaining and shouting weather for two up and down. Nigerians also like to boast that even if they are suffering, they at least don’t experience natural disasters. E go shock everybody.

    9. Apocalypse or not, there will be traffic

    Even in an apocalypse, You’ll still find Nigerians, especially Lagosians, in traffic. Please, I’m stressed.

    10. We won’t even notice

    Things are already terrible as it is, it’ll probably take months for people to notice that animals have mutated and everything has gone to shit. This is nobody’s fault sha, no one expects hell to get hotter.

  • 5 Nigerians Talk To Us About Their Side Hustles

    5 Nigerians Talk To Us About Their Side Hustles

    Even if you’re not engaged in one side hustle or the other, you definitely have friends and family members for whom this is a reality.

    5 Nigerians shared their side hustle stories with us. Read on. You might get an idea for yours.

    Amy, 24

    I started my side hustle because of hairs. I like all these material things a lot; the gadgets, clothes, slay mama looks, but unfortunately, I can’t afford it. I came across a page on Instagram selling mad ass hairs but extremely pricey, say, 200k plus. So, I resorted to stalking them. Finally, a friend of mine told me that she could get the hair for me at an affordable rate – 50k thereabout. Awoof dey run belle sha, because when I eventually got the hair, it was pure unadulterated synthetic. Not even the good kind of synthetic hair. I cried, then decided to start a business to afford the lifestyle I wanted. Currently, I sell different things – bags, waist trainers, and others. I initially started with hair, but that didn’t last. I found it too difficult and stressful although it is very lucrative. If you know how much these people are making! My advice for anyone who wants to start a side hustle is: don’t start anything without adequate capital, and be very loving with your clients.

    Fave, 20

    I’m currently serving and working as a face-to-face fundraiser. I started this side hustle thing as a source of extra income in the university, 200 level to be precise. I went to a private school and they didn’t let us cook, so we had to buy food. My dad gave me pocket money, but he didn’t really understand that I needed to buy clothes, handouts, shoes, extra food (because I can’t comman kill myself) and chill with friends. So I decided to work for my own money. I was literally the most reliable and affordable seller of female accessories in my whole school and I didn’t save a dime! That was my biggest mistake and it affected me after graduation. But we learn and relearn so, I’m becoming better in that aspect.I got into fundraising about two months ago while searching for a PPA in Abuja. Nobody tells you that the starting point of all these things is not easy at alll. My friend who introduced me to the NGO made the role seem so interesting, but then I started the job and I’m like, ‘this adulting is not for me now😭.’ Asides working as a fundraiser, I still have my business selling female accessories. I love my job because it gives me a chance to serve humanity and it is satisfying! I would recommend that every lady read Smart Money Woman and Smart Money Tribe. Then most importantly, SAVE. If you come across very reasonable investments too, invest, but make sure you get proper advice before going into it sha.

    KC, 23

    I started selling shoes, clothes, bags and every other fashion accessory in January. Before then, I never thought I’d venture into anything business until very much later in my life. My life plans revolved around academics, but corona, ASUU strike, and the poor academic system in the country made me rethink. I felt I was wasting away and not being productive. Every skill I wanted to learn cost a lot, so I just started a side hustle. Currently, I no longer see education as ‘the key’ and especially not in this country, Nigeria. I’m on the lookout for other prospects that will help my survival in the country. My business is online (mostly drop shipping). I lose customers sometimes because they have to pay before I supply as I don’t have the goods ready and they can’t come around to pick-up. I’m planning on running ads on multiple social media platforms because it helps with visibility and with visibility comes sales and profits. It’s not a smooth sailing side business, but it pays off eventually with consistency and advertising. My advice to anyone who wants to start a side hustle is to always have a plan B. Our country is wack and unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like there is any hope for now and in the nearest future. Concerning side hustles, consistency is key. It might look like things aren’t going well in the beginning. Don’t focus on that, in the end, your efforts will pay off if you work smart. As for me, I won’t stop my side hustle even if more lucrative opportunities come along. I am very ambitious and hopefully, this mini online store I run would turn into something bigger in the future.

    Toju, 26

    I work two jobs – one as a full time associate with a Big 4 in Lagos, and the second as a freelance “any work” as long as it has to do with computers. Basically, anything from building websites to building financial models and business plans, CVs, LinkedIn profiles, marketing decks, abroad school applications, and every now and then I write essays and have written a couple dissertations for abroad MBA students. I don’t code or anything. I can just figure out how to use a software, be it R studio for data analysis, Excel for modeling or Joomla and Wix for building sites. So far, I have made say 2 million in 2 years which just goes to show you that a lot of people are not willing to pay, or are unable to pay and it’s a shame, because I’m pretty good at all the things I do. That’s why I barely advertise and I keep getting referrals.I started this side hustle because my salary is not enough. Problem is, I do the side hustle to supplement and it’s still not enough. I hate that I have to do so much and still be broke. Oluwa I’m working hard. If I was to quit this hustle, I’ll probably create a model where I help with business plans and the financials for a smaller fee. Then I’ll continue to provide consulting services for a small percentage of profits. Say, around 5 – 10%. I want to get to a point where I can sit back and be collecting alat. What I would say to someone who wants to start a side hustle is: you need to learn a lot and learn very quickly but never at the expense of quality. It’s also good to have friends that are experienced in what you’re going into so they can let you know if what you’re doing is okoto meow.

    Jemilade, 25

    I’m not currently employed under any organisation. I used to work for a fashion house as their pattern drafter but I got sacked 8 months into. I’ve always loved to work with my hands and by myself, so I took it as the universe’s way of affirming that narrative. My only sources of income are the three businesses I run. Luckily for me, they’re sort of intertwined because they all have to do with creativity. The only downside is their time-consuming nature. To deal with that, I’ve got in-house tailors handling the production of clothes when we get orders down. I’ve also got some trusty hairdressers on speed dial that can handle hair jobs as they come. I see myself continuing these in the long run, that’s why I’m taking the time to build up a solid foundation. I don’t want them being “side hustles” alone. I see them as strong bodies capable of booming in the nearest future, such that they will become the main gigs.

    You can successfully live a life of dual hustles e.g Photographer and Forex trader. Find more information here.

  • 5 Nigerian Memes You Can Use To Brag About Your Sexual Prowess

    5 Nigerian Memes You Can Use To Brag About Your Sexual Prowess

    There are a lot of Nigerian memes about sex for people that like to pretend that they don’t know what that word means. Even though they were the most outraged about the banning of porn accounts that year on Twitter. We have decided to share the little we have on Zikoko Memes in this article.

    1 The “Yoruba movies lie too much” meme

    You can post this on your status after that person you’ve been texting airs you for like two days, Nothing drives conversation like memes, especially if it’s a Nigerian meme about sex.

    2. The “I won’t give you STD” meme

    This is beyond bragging, you are basically telling your sexual partner that you care about their health, it doesn’t get sexier than this, to be honest

    You might break up, but at least the chances of having a child together are lower.

    3. The “Roleplay” meme

    Never mind that this was taken from a film where this happened, if you post this people that like these type of things will understand that you are ready to dress up as anything for sex. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

    It’s the arc for me.

    4. The “Over raw best in scisccoring” meme

    A lot of Nigerian meme about sex exist as you know, if you decide to post this then you must be really confident and we hail you. No one will see this on your status or fleets and ignore your texts.

    5. The “High jump” meme

    I think this one is self-explanatory, actually, I’d also like to know how this works so when you are beating about this please explain In details. T for Thanks.

    For more Nigerian memes about sex click here.


    [donation]

  • 7 Nigerians Talk About How The Twitter Ban In Nigeria Affects Their Mental Health

    7 Nigerians Talk About How The Twitter Ban In Nigeria Affects Their Mental Health

    The Twitter ban in Nigeria affects Nigerians in many different ways. From business owners to already marginalised groups. So, these seven Nigerians talk about how the Twitter ban in Nigeria affects their mental health.

    Jane

    It’s just not the Twitter ban in Nigeria per se, it’s the general state of Nigeria. Everything about this country is so bad. The future is so uncertain because I don’t have the money to relocate. I am just anxious and I don’t know what is going to happen to all of us. I am not doing okay.

    Anita

    The ban is affecting me deeply. I usually open this app impulsively to just say whatever is on my mind and to vent, but I can’t do that anymore. The VPN is messing with my other apps, so it is like a tiny inconvenience that’s giving me a serious tension headache.

    Peace

    I’m fully aware of the fact that this country will move mad and I need to get the fuck out of here with immediate alacrity because one small declaration can destabilise my entire life. I have three remote jobs. An internet shutdown means I’d be unable to work, and I might lose my job or lose hours ( I charge per hour) and my employers would be unable to trust that I can do the job, through no fault of mine.

    I’m literally scared. Freedom of speech is so important – I even have an entire business and product I’m building around it and plan to launch in 2022. It would wreck all my sources of income.

    Tolu

    The fact that the possibility of being able to japa for my family is ridiculously low has me stressed. I’m scared and I’ve been upset at my parents because when we had the opportunity to leave, my dad turned it down. Now, we’re here.

    Amaka

    My parents are not urgent about leaving, and I feel like I’m being paranoid or overreacting. We can leave if we want to, but they’re just praying for the best and whatnot. It stresses me out.

    Kunle

    It’s definitely made me more agitated. Now that there’s a Twitter ban in Nigeria, I’m constantly worrying about what they are going to come for next. I’m worried that if we lose Twitter, we’ve lost all our free speech. Twitter is the only place we can disseminate information without any arbitrary regulatory body sanctioning us. I’m very scared of what will come next.

    Daniel

    Before the Twitter ban, I was on a Twitter cleanse because I was spending too much time on the app. I also work a lot on Twitter so I needed to get off the app. Since I was already off for a few weeks, the ban didn’t affect me in the sense that they were taking something I needed away from me. It affected me in the sense that I’m actually in Nigeria where a minister can order that the people’s rights be taken from them and the order will be executed. It’s scary.

    For more on what goes on inside the life, please click here


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  • 5 Things Nigerians Don’t Want To Hear Right Now

    5 Things Nigerians Don’t Want To Hear Right Now

    The Nigerian government has implemented new retrogressive laws, taking the country a few more steps backwards. Now isn’t the time for jokes or insensitive comments. Before you say any of the things on this list, take your time and think well about it. Here’s a list of things you should not say to Nigerians living in Nigeria right now:

    1.‘’Why haven’t you japa’d yet?’’

    Not only is this tone-deaf, but it is also silly. A lot has happened economically and many people can not afford basic things. If everyone could leave, they would have. Please don’t ask any of your friends or family this question because people have different reasons why they have chosen to stay back.

    2.‘’Channel your anger to the right people’’

    The last time Nigerians gathered en masse to channel their anger to the right people, both old and young, were killed and injured. More than six months later, the memory of the Lekki massacre is still fresh in our memories. We still carry the trauma from the event that happened that day.

    3.‘’It’s just Twitter’’

    It wasn’t ‘’just Twitter’’ when it was used to announce the curfew that led to the injuries and deaths of many Nigerians on the 20th of October 2020. Twitter has been a very instrumental tool in passing information. It has helped politicians with campaigns, it has found jobs for young people, helped with crowdfunding, etc. Silencing a major tool of communication for young Nigerians is, in fact, a very big deal.

    4.‘’It’s not even that serious’’

    It is actually that serious. Instilling fear in people and censoring the major tool of communication for millions of Nigerians is serious. A country where 43.69% of its population are youths should not constantly stifle the growth and development of its people.

    5.‘’Use this time off the internet for other things’’

    Things like what?

    Click the link to stay updated on important events happening in Nigeria.

  • 8 Things You Must Experience To Be a True Nigerian

    8 Things You Must Experience To Be a True Nigerian

    The Nigerian experience can be can be fun sometimes. We have beautiful resorts, good food, and that one bridge that they show in every Nollywood movie. However, none of those things shows the true Nigerian experience, and that’s why we made this list. 

    1. Register for anything 

    Whenever you are bored, just walk into any government office and try to get maybe your NIN, PVC, BVN, or any other three-letter means of identification. After waiting the entire day, fighting with someone your grandparent’s age and spending all your money only to go home empty-handed, you can beat your chest and say you’ve experienced Nigeria

    2. Wait in a government hospital 

    ²

    For the best results, get there as early as 6 am. Don’t worry you’ll be there with people from three days ago. That way, you’d make new friends and have lots of company. If you want to test the system, take advantage of your strength and fight to the front but don’t forget to have money too so you can bribe your way into seeing a doctor. 

    3. Drive, especially in Lagos 

    You after sitting in 24 hours traffic.

    To truly experience Nigeria, you must drive in Lagos at least once. You don’t even have to be the one driving, enter a bus or cab. All that work you’ve been putting off for weeks? You’ll finally get the chance to complete it and what better place than in Lagos traffic? 

    4. Go to the bank 

    Make sure that you go without a pen if you are really committed to experiencing Nigeria. Don’t forget to clear your schedule, you might just be the lucky customer that will help them lock up. 

    5. Order from an online vendor 

    If your kink is heartbreak with a dash of anxiety, you can also try this. Nigerians are famous for being time conscious and reliable after all. 

    6.  Go House hunting

    Any day you are less busy, just call a random real estate agent and tell them that you are looking for an apartment. They will take you to places you’ve never been before, and the things you will see and experience might scare you but you are already in this country, so how much worse can it get?  

    7. Organise a party

    Put a bunch of your friends and family in a group chat and invite them to a party. Tell everyone it will start by 1 pm and watch them flock in by 4 pm. For the best effect, order everything you need the night before since Nigeria is just filled with reliable people.

    8.  Make Braids 

    This is a fun task that should always be done on Saturday. Book an appointment but get there an hour early. Don’t worry, nobody will still attend to you. You’ll end up spending your entire Saturday in that shop. Such a small price for something that will scatter in two weeks. 

    You can read more articles like this here.

  • QUIZ: Only Romantic Nigerians Can Unscramble These Love Songs In 2 Minutes

    QUIZ: Only Romantic Nigerians Can Unscramble These Love Songs In 2 Minutes

    Think you’re romantic? Unscramble these Nigerian love songs before the timer runs out to prove it.

    “My wife” in Yoruba

    “Money” in Igbo

    You don’t need any clue for this

    You don’t need a clue for this either

    Infant

    “Ring” in Yoruba

    Love me tender

    Simi was trying to shoot her shot

    Asa really wanted that guy

    You take it when you’re sick

    Wande Coal sang this

    They said they don’t care if you’re rich or poor

    First daughter

    Waist bead supremacy

  • 4 Nigerians Talk About Their Experiences With Juju

    4 Nigerians Talk About Their Experiences With Juju

    Is the average Nollywood movie complete without someone mentioning or going to a shrine? To find out if it is as prevalent and popular in real life, I asked my Twitter followers and some people I know in real life about their experiences with juju/jazz. The answers? Absolutely fascinating.

    Ben, 32.
    In 2018, I was going through a very rough patch – financially, physically, every way you could imagine – and then a friend suggested I go see this person he knew that does prayers. I was desperate, when I got there I realized it wasn’t a place for ‘prayers’ like my friend told me. However, I won’t lie I went on with it because I was desperate. After consulting with the ‘spirits’ and everything, he gave me a cup that had some very salty water and a stone. I paid ₦15,000. He said it would ward off the evil spirits that was bringing bad luck. Six months, later my life was still the same so I threw the stone away.

    Shola, 20.

    I haven’t used juju on anyone, but it’s been used on me. It was a Sunday and I was going to church from school in Akure and when I got to the bus stop, a guy came to meet me and spun a lie about how his mom was dying and he needed to see a herbalist for the cure. He begged me to lead him there, but I said I didn’t know the place. Another man came to meet me and said I should help the guy with the “sick mother”. We walked together for a long while till we got to a house made of mud. A man came out and performed some rituals. When I left, I realised the money with me had disappeared and so had the Samsung Galaxy tablet with me also disappeared. He spoke some incantations and these things happened before my eyes.

    Chioma, 41.
    My husband married another wife after getting a new and better position. I was very angry and I started going to church to pray against it happening. One day, someone I met in the church came up to me and told me she had heard and told me I had to fight for my family. I told her, I was doing what I could do. She told me, that this wouldn’t cut it and offered to take me to a person she knew and at this point, I was desperate enough to do it. The place we went to was three towns far from us. The man listened as I talk and then told me how much it would cost. When he started explaining what the thing he was giving me would do: abort the girl’s pregnancy, possibly make it so she wouldn’t be able to take it further. I couldn’t do it so I left the place.

    Adam, 26.
    I don’t know if this counts but in university, there was a girl I wanted to get with that wasn’t looking my way. And when I told my friends, they told me they know a person that’ll fix me right up. I went to see this guy with them, it cost ₦10,000 and he gave me a powder that I should put on my face when next I went to see the girl. I did it and the next morning, I was really sick. I had to get hospitalized for a few days. I don’t know if it’s linked but never again.

  • QUIZ: Do You Mind Your Business?

    QUIZ: Do You Mind Your Business?

    Are you the kind of person who doesn’t care of other people’s business or the kind person who has their nose in what every one else is doing? Take this quiz to find out!

  • If Love Languages Were Nigerians

    If Love Languages Were Nigerians

    Have you ever wondered what the love languages would be like if they were Nigerians? Well, I have and now I can’t unsee it.

    1) Gift giving

    Gift giving is your rich sugar daddy that has old money and who probably has as many oil blocks as you have siblings. He is also a chairman of one plc. The sugar daddy will never give you money but will buy gifts for you in every city he travels to. He forgets that money is sometimes a gift. Not every time Birkin. Sometimes, hundreds of thousands of dollars. If how you show love is by buying people gifts, sometimes squeeze dollars into their hand. Tough times are lasting.

    2) Acts of service

    The first daughter of a Nigerian home. She is always doing something for someone and so she has associated doing things with love. Buy her all the gifts in this world, but she will not know you love her until you sweep her compound, wash her car, and help her iron her clothes.

    When you realise the only way to show love is to wash car under hot sun

    3) Quality Time

    Quality Time and Secondary school mathematics teachers are one and the same. With mathematics teachers, they know the period is over and they just want to spend time with you. So what if you don’t understand what they were teaching? They were just happy to be involved. Oya, what is now the difference between them and quality time?

    4) Physical touch

    Bus conductors have hacked physical touch as a love language. All you have to do is give them an opportunity to love you by sitting beside the door. You both will have a chance to explore proper intimacy. The both of you will be so close, you will share sweat and keep inhaling each other’s bad breath. They might even spit on you if you are lucky. Sit beside the door and just await the experience.

    5) Words of affirmation

    He is your guest pastor at your church. They might be good people, but they will not believe it until it comes from someone else. Now, if you are dating someone with words of affirmation as their love language, just spin their head sometimes. Send them texts like “my most gorgeous beautiful holder of my heart.” Put all your english to use.

    Over raw best in English

    QUIZ: WHAT IS YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE

    To find out your love language, click here


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  • QUIZ: Only Superstitious Nigerians Will Score 11/13 On This Quiz

    QUIZ: Only Superstitious Nigerians Will Score 11/13 On This Quiz

    Are you superstitious? or do you think superstitions are silly? This quiz knows exactly where you stand.

    Check your rating here:


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  • QUIZ: Only True Nigerians Can Score 8/11 On This Random Trivia

    QUIZ: Only True Nigerians Can Score 8/11 On This Random Trivia

    Score up to 8 on this random trivia to show you’re a true Nigerian.

  • 8 Young Nigerians Talk About Living With Hypertension

    8 Young Nigerians Talk About Living With Hypertension

    When someone is said to suffer from hypertension, more often than not, you’d assume that the said person was at least middle-aged. On the contrary, hypertension and high blood pressure do not discriminate. It plagues the young and old alike. Of people in the 19-39 age group, 20% of men and 15% of women suffer from hypertension, and this number is only expected to climb.

    Someone reached out to me to tell me their story about hypertension. I put out a call on Twitter, looking to talk to more people dealing with the condition. I didn’t expect more than a few replies. I was wrong. My DMs were flooded by a deluge of young adults who are dealing with the condition. Here are some of their stories.

    Joseph, 24

    I was first diagnosed during a medical clearance for admission into a university when I was 15. The doctor remarked that my BP was high. I wasn’t admitted into that school, and I didn’t pay attention to the diagnosis. Less than a year later, I suffered a bout of malaria and my BP was mentioned again. I started to worry. It was a few months later, at another university clearance where it was brought up again that I started taking it seriously. When the palpitations got worse, my mom had to take me to the hospital. I was given some drugs that always made me feel faint, so I stopped using them.

    After a series of crises, I started taking it very seriously. I got better drugs and made some lifestyle changes – I work out, eat fruits and reduced my soda intake. I’ve used the drugs every day since then, although I’ve taken short breaks from them a couple of times.

    It’s been eight years since I found out. There were lonely trips to the hospital for drugs, insane  headaches, intense palpitations and scary nights I thought were my last. It was quite hard to make the mental shift at first, but I’m used to it now. I also pray and talk to God about it. I’m just waiting for the manifestation of complete healing.

    Afolabi, 28

    There was this strike period. I was just playing around in school, but I noticed I was always tired. I decided to go to the medical center and they found out my BP was 151. I insisted I was fine but the nurse kept saying this isn’t normal for this your age (I was 19). I told my folks and we went to see our personal doctor. He said it was high but didn’t want to place me on hypertensive drugs because I was young. He told me to make diet and lifestyle changes. I did that for a few years. Fast forward to my fourth year in uni. I had been drinking a lot of coffee that period, thinking I had moved past the whole HBP thing. All of a sudden, late one night, I started gasping for breath, despite windows being open. My mum lay me on my back and tried to calm me, before taking me to the hospital. That was when I was finally placed on the medication Amlodipine. I was supposed to go back for checkups, but I never did. I had a couple of crisis moments in-between that forced me to go back on my meds.

    At various times, I stopped using the medication because I hated the idea that I was going to be using it everyday for the rest of my life. Someone advised me to use hibiscus flower (zobo), which is actually backed by a study.  I used to be able to take some wine, but I stopped when I started seeing scary signs. There’s a lot of stigma around it as well, because people tend to jump to say “Ah, does it run in your family?” Some other people are sympathetic, like my boss who gives me the day off when I have panic attacks.

    Desmond, 21

    Last year, I was at the airport waiting for my flight – I was almost two hours early because Nigerian. One of those diagnostics people gave me a flyer while I was waiting, asking me to check my blood pressure for free so I said, sure, why not. The guy checked it and asked my age several times. I kept insisting that I was 21. It was really bad. I can’t say I don’t know why it was high — I overwork myself, barely sleep and I work all night because my father is not Dangote. I’m also quite inactive because my work requires me just sitting down. 

    I ended up going for a proper checkup at a hospital and it came out the same. The doctor advised me to sleep more and be more physically active. Now, I try to get eight hours of sleep and go to the gym six days a week.

    A.B, 26

    Until I started dialysis for my kidney problems, I had never had a BP issue. To undergo dialysis, the doctors have to set up an access site for my arteries and veins. The process is quite excruciating and that period was tough for me. I suspect that triggered the blood pressure. I started taking medication which helped manage it. 

    Nearly one-third of non-Hispanic Black young adults in the U.S. have  hypertension - News | UAB

    I’m an anxious person, and that didn’t help my blood pressure. Eating edibles helped me relax. So far, it’s been good except for one time where my BP spiked to 212/140 and I was admitted to the hospital. On the whole, I monitor my BP and use my drugs consistently, because that makes a huge difference.

    Anita, 26

    I work in a foreign tech company and when I tell you the work there is fast-paced, multiply it by 1000. Commuting from the island to the mainland, working long hours and getting home at odd hours for more than a year didn’t help matters. I was expecting a promotion in the company and when that didn’t come, I worked harder and longer hours and even took on a certification course, working every day of the week and going to classes on the weekend. All of thatfinally tipped me over the edge. In 2019, I was diagnosed with hypertension.

    Keeping a lid on blood pressure during the coronavirus crisis | American  Heart Association

    To be fair, I was pushing my body rather hard. I was working on multiple projects and assignments while still meeting my work KPI. I was eating a lot of processed food and not getting a lot of exercise. When I started getting horrid headaches, I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with HBP. Man, it was the ghetto. I called my mom and friends and cried and cried. I could not believe I was 25 and hypertensive. I felt like I failed my body.

    The first step was to start making healthy choices. I try to be kinder to my body, take medications religiously, exercise, fast intermittently, reduce processed foods and check my BP everyday, which makes it interesting when you’re sleeping over somewhere [laughs]. Most importantly, I now maintain a healthy work-life balance. We tend to think that if work is not killing you, you’re not working hard enough. My mother said “If anything happens to you, they’ll be fine but we would have lost you.”

    Daniel, 22

    It all started when I was at university. I started having some intense migraines coupled with frequent dizziness and chest pain. Immediately, I went to the school clinic to see a doctor, only to be told I had high blood pressure. It was triggered by stress, lack of rest and unhealthy eating patterns, like the average Nigerian student. I immediately called my mum, who’s also hypertensive and she entered panic mode. Fortunately, I caught it early and with some dietary and lifestyle changes, it dropped.

    I had finished school and moved to Lagos when I started feeling symptoms again. I didn’t need anybody to tell me what it was. I took leave from work and travelled home to Ibadan ASAP when I found out my BP was 150/90. My doctor adviced I avoid certain foods, take exercising more seriously, eat a lot of fruit and vegetables and rest, which is almost impossible in a city like Lagos.

    High blood pressure common among Black young adults | Health |  phillytrib.com

    I recently found out that my older brother is also hypertensive. Seeing as my mom is also hypertensive and my grandfather died from hypertensions, it’s safe to say it’s hereditary in my family.

    The pandemic helped get me back on exercising and I’ve curbed most of my food indulgences. Today, I’m stable but I’m not quite there yet. My BP rises and falls between 125 – 130 over 90 these days. Considering the fact that I’m managing it without medication, this isn’t so bad. Las las, we go survive this thing.

    Abiodun, 31

    I found out I had HBP in the most random way. My mom was undergoing a surgical procedure at the hospital. I was chatting with a doctor and casually complained of dizziness and headaches. He was suspicious and told a nurse to some tests and check my BP. To my schock, it 160 over 91. I’ve been  on medication ever since.

    At first, it was hard to use the drugs religiously but when I realised it was a matter of life and death, I’ve set a daily reminder to use my drugs and to check my BP with a blood pressure monitor.

    Kate, 28

    In 2017, during medicals in school, the doctor told me I had an elevated blood pressure. He asked if I was going through anything. I was – a partner did something really shitty to me. When I visited a hospital, I was given medications, which I used for only a month before I stopped. I ignored it until one day when I went to the clinic for a headache. They found out my BP was stageringly high. I was immediately sedated and my mom was contacted. I began using medications again.

    American Heart Association says High Blood Pressure reasons differ by  gender in teens; young adults - Clarksville, TN Online

    It’s hard taking a pill every blessed day. During the lockdown, I relapsed again until had angina (a type of chest pain caused by reduced blood flow to the heart). It was a very scary experience. I go for checkups sometimes, but frankly, I’m tired. Tired of it all; being unable to eat certain foods, cutting off habits like drinking. Sometimes, I get hot flushes in my feet and my heart races very fast. Other times, it’s headaches and dizziness.

    We bet you’ve not taken this quiz yet: Younger Nigerians, This One Will Definitely Stress You

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  • Nigerians Call Strippers So Many Dirty Names — A Week in the Life of a Stripper

    Nigerians Call Strippers So Many Dirty Names — A Week in the Life of a Stripper

    “A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.


    The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is Debbie, a stripper. She tells us about how stripping changed her life, why she wants the Nigerian police to do better, and how she plans to fund her dreams of living an expensive life. 

    MONDAY:

    My days are unpredictable so I have no fixed time to wake up. On some days I’m up early because I have to leave my house for an appointment. Other days, like today, I lie on my bed pressing my phone until 10, 11 a.m. My work revolves around anything entertainment-related — stripping, acting or video vixen — and Mondays are usually slow. I get up from the bed and set up my camera because I’m tired of being idle. I’m going to record myself dancing, singing and just having fun. When I’m done, I’ll upload the video on my social media pages and reply to any comments. While setting up, I remind myself not to forget to satisfy my craving for beans and plantain after I’m done shooting. 

    Before I return to my camera set up, I have to defeat an enemy called low inspiration. So I seek the help of a trusted friend called Igbeaux. I can feel myself loosening up and my appetite roaring in the background after some puffs. While I’m running through what I want to shoot in my head, and figuring out what part of my room to use, NEPA takes the light. Well, there goes my ability to create content and be useful today.

    TUESDAY:

    Today was better than yesterday mostly because I spent my time reminiscing. Anytime I see how far I’ve come with stripping, I can’t help but thank God. People don’t believe me when I tell them nobody taught me how to strip — I learnt from watching other girls on the pole and practising over and over again. Sometimes, I’d fall and hit my bum bum. Then I’d go home to massage it while telling myself, “We move oh.” I no longer try to learn too many moves because some routines are hard abeg. It’s not every routine a stripper must know. 

     I remember being scared, shy and happy when I started stripping. On my first day, I couldn’t even pull off my clothes. I remember summoning the courage to remove my bra and subsequently turning to face the wall. It was the money I picked up at the end of the night that gave me ginger to continue. 

    https://twitter.com/debbchina1/status/1337745160365543425?s=20

    There’s a big difference between American strip clubs and Nigerian strip clubs. In Nigeria, there’s a belief that people who go to strip clubs are devilish people, and there are people who come to strip clubs and say they don’t want strippers to touch them. Regardless of all this, I still hustle and make my money. Depending on the club you work at, and how people turn up, you can make ₦40 – ₦50k in one night. Other nights, you can make more or less than that. Funny enough, the highest amount I made in a night — ₦100-000 – ₦200,000 — was from one house party and not even a club.  

    There’s money in stripping, and there’s also a lot of wahala, but most people don’t see that.

    WEDNESDAY:

    People assume that strippers aren’t meant to be in a romantic relationship. That’s their business because I’m seeing someone. To be honest, the reason the relationship works is that my boyfriend is a crazy person and I’m a shameless woman. He always says he’ll do worse things than stripping if he were a woman. The fact that he knows my story ensures that my job —  giving lap dances and customers touching my boobs or tapping my ass — doesn’t pain him. Sometimes, he’ll tell me, “Go get your money, girl.” I love him so much, and I pray God keeps us together. 

    My mum is also aware of what I do for a living, but I’m not sure if my dad knows. Funny story: my junior sister is also a stripper. One weekend she came visiting and begged to follow me to work. Even though she was just a spectator, she picked almost ₦40k from the floor that night. And that was how she started her stripper career. 

    Sometimes I think about how every fucking thing in my life has changed. In the past, I’d cook jollof rice to eat for four to five days because I couldn’t afford what I wanted to eat. Now, I barely cook. I also couldn’t afford to help my siblings financially, but now I’m chief of the house. And for me to be the chief, you know I got it. Hahaha.

    THURSDAY:

    At work today, we’re discussing the many dirty names Nigerians call strippers. It’s funny when people say we’re opening our body to make money. In reality, everyone uses what they have [brain, connections, body] to get what they need. I don’t care about what people have to say. Well, except for the Nigerian police.

    I demand better treatment from the police because they’re always harassing strippers. If I dress sexy or the way I like, policemen talk to me anyhow. When policemen stop me on the road, I don’t smile and I guess that increases their anger towards me. How can I be smiling with people who raided our club during the Covid curfew and took me to the station wearing only a pant and a bra? I ended up paying ₦70,000 to conduct a Covid test that turned out to be negative. 

    I can’t even afford to be spending money anyhow seeing as strip clubs haven’t fully re-opened. It’s house parties we’re managing for now. If this Covid thing hadn’t disrupted all of 2020, by now I should be counting millions. Instead, everywhere red and the brokeness choke. 

    FRIDAY:

    It’s up to the stripper to determine if they want to move things forward with the client or leave it alone at just dancing. When clients request a happy ending, I tell them I don’t do that. I’m happy that even without the happy ending, I still make money. I’ll forever be grateful for my decision to move from the mainland to the Island because it increased my earning potential. Mostly because there are no big strip clubs on the mainland.

    I love expensive life, and I spend today thinking about the fact that I’m on my way to living the kind of life I wish for. Although my life is currently not expensive, I still love it. In addition to stripping, I also make and sell my own perfumes and perfume oil.  I also sing at events somewhere in that mix. Before I sign out from being a stripper, I must have my own strip club and ensure that all my queens learn how to make their own money.

    I know God is going to do many things in my life, but I just don’t know where he’s going to start. Until that time comes, I’m married to capitalism.


    Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.

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  • QUIZ: Only Wealthy Nigerians Will Get 9/11 On This Random Money Quiz

    QUIZ: Only Wealthy Nigerians Will Get 9/11 On This Random Money Quiz

    Score 9 and above to prove that you’re a wealthy Nigerian.

    Try below:

  • QUIZ: Only Nigerians With Range Will Get 10/11 On This Random Food Quiz

    QUIZ: Only Nigerians With Range Will Get 10/11 On This Random Food Quiz

    This quiz will separate Nigerians with food range from the ones who don’t have range.

    See how you measure below:

    Image credits: Uber Eats.

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  • QUIZ: Can You Identify 11/13 Famous Nigerians With The Vowels Of Their Name Removed?

    QUIZ: Can You Identify 11/13 Famous Nigerians With The Vowels Of Their Name Removed?

    We’ve gathered 13 famous Nigerians and removed the vowels from their names. Can you identify all of them before you run out of time?

    Give it a try below:

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  • Can The ICC Prosecute The Nigerian Military?

    Can The ICC Prosecute The Nigerian Military?

    Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

    Can the ICC prosecute the Nigerian military?

    Many Nigerians are still in grief over the Lekki Massacre which took place on October 20, 2020, when protesters were shot at for exercising their constitutional right to peacefully protest. In the wake of this, several stories — and fake news — have infiltrated the media over what happened, even though video evidence showed officers of the Nigerian military opening fire on Nigerians on scene. The question that has occupied the minds of a lot of people is how Nigerians can get justice, and including if the International Criminal Court can prosecute officers and commander of the Nigerian military.

    https://twitter.com/SamuelOtigba/status/1318695796242587648?s=19

    Read: Who Is Shooting At Peaceful Protesters In Lekki?

    Read: The Nigerian Military Has A History of Killing Unarmed Civilians

    But what sort of crime did the Nigerian military commit, if it actually did? And, can the International Criminal Court (ICC) prosecute key officers of the Nigerian military, including their commanders? 

    1. What Is The International Criminal Court?

    In June 1998, representatives from 148 countries gathered in Rome, Italy to agree on how to establish an “International Criminal Court”.

    After five weeks of discussions, 120 countries voted for the creation of an International Criminal Court under the “Rome Statute”.

    In 2002, after the agreement was signed by 60 countries into their national laws, the ICC became the first and only international court with the capacity to prosecute a person with the international crimes of genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes and the crime of aggression.

    2. How Does The International Criminal Court Work?

    *Green – Party to the ICC

    *Orange – Didn’t sign

    *Yellow – Signed (but never passed the ICC statute into law)

    The ICC works complementary to national courts. That is, it cannot prosecute a crime except a country’s courts are unwilling or cannot prosecute the crime.

    Also, the International Criminal Court cannot prosecute every criminal case in every part of the world.

    The three important things the ICC considers before prosecuting a case include: 

    1. Subject-matter jurisdiction: Is the crime a genocide, a crime against humanity, a war crime or a crime of aggression?
    1. Territorial or personal jurisdiction: Was the crime committed in a country that has agreed to the ICC’s rules or by a person who is a citizen of a country that has agreed to the ICC’s rules.
    1. Temporal jurisdiction: The ICC officially began operation in June 2002. So it does not have the capacity to prosecute international crimes before July 2002.

    3. Can the International Criminal Court Prosecute The Officers of The Nigerian Military?

    Nigeria is a party to the ICC’s rules. Nigeria signed the Rome Statute into our national law on the 27th of September 2001, and it became binding on Nigeria from 1st July, 2002.

    So, Nigeria is bound by the Rome Statute, and the ICC has “territorial jurisdiction” to prosecute international crimes committed in Nigeria or by Nigerians.

    4. What Is The Process?

    The ICC prosecutes individuals and not groups or countries, and no one has immunity or is exempted from the ICC’s prosecution, even if they are currently holding a high executive position.

    To begin an investigation, anyone who is from a country that is a member of the ICC can request the office of the prosecutor to carry out an investigation on a particular issue. The prosecutor can also begin investigations on their own, if they believe that a crime should be investigated.

    Already, Nigerian groups like the Socio-economic Rights and Accountability Project (SERAP) have sent petitions to the ICC about killings of several people during the #EndSARS protests in Abuja, Kano, Lagos, Osun, Plateau and other states in Nigeria.

    Over the years, the ICC has publicly prosecuted 44 people. It has issued arrest warrants for 36 people and summoned 8 others. 6 people are in the court’s detention. Former Sudanese President, Omar Al-Bashir, was also prosecuted by the International Criminal Court for war crimes.

    We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.


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  • Can Nigerians Vote For A New Constitution?

    Can Nigerians Vote For A New Constitution?

    Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.

    Nigerians are wondering if we can vote for a new constitution.

    The curiosity began, again, when Chileans voted on October 25, 2020, for a new constitution. 78% of Chileans voted in the referendum that the constitution should be re-written, and 79% voted that the constitution should be written by new writers elected by the people. Curiously, the “Chilean revolt” has gotten Nigerians wondering if we can also vote for a new constitution.

    Read: Hello Nigerian Constitution, We Have Some Amendments To Suggest

    What Is A Referendum?

    A referendum is a general vote by the people on a single political decision which has been referred to them for a direct decision.

    A referendum can be a nationwide vote on whether a country should change its old constitution to a new constitution, or whether it should make a policy decision or not.

    An example of a popular referendum in action is the “United Kingdom European Union Membership Referendum” of 2016, which is popularly known as the “Brexit referendum”. In that referendum, 52% of UK citizens voted to leave the European Union, and 48% voted that the UK should remain in the European Union.

    The vote is binding, and the UK left the European Union on January 31st, 2020.

    Can Nigerians Partake In A Referendum?

    There is no provision in the Nigerian constitution that provides for a direct referendum in the constitution.

    However, Section 14(a) of the Nigerian constitution states that “sovereignty belongs to the people of Nigeria from whom government through this constitution derives all its powers and authorities”.

    Section 14 (b) states that “the security and welfare of the people shall be the primary purpose of government”.

    Still, the constitution does not state exactly how the Nigerian people can vote to change or amend the constitution, or even for or against any political issue, even though it declares that “sovereignty belongs to the people”.

    Read: How To Impeach An Incompetent President

    Who Can Change The Constitution?

    Under Nigerian laws, lawmakers have almost all the powers to amend the constitution. Section 8 and 9 of the constitution dictates the processes by which the constitution can be amended, most of which leaves the powers in the hands of the national assembly and state houses of assembly.

    Some people have recommended that Nigeria should set up a “National Referendum Commission”, going by the provisions of Section 14 of the constitution that “sovereignty belongs to the Nigerian people”, and even the government and the constitution derive their powers from the people.

    Also, many democracies in the world have a provision for referendum in their constitution. Article 2(1) of the Romanian Constitution, for instance, provides that:


    “National Sovereignty belongs to the Romanian people who shall exercise it through their representative bodies, established as a result of free periodic and fair elections, as well as by means of a Referendum.”

    So, if Nigeria has referendums often, so many national issues can be easily solved like whether different Nigerian tribes still want to stay together as one or whether Nigerians want a particular government policy or not.

    As it stands, lawmakers and political leaders make almost all the political decisions on behalf of the Nigerian people.

    We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.


    Hello, if you have been impacted by our work, please donate to Zikoko. Cheers!

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  • How To Recall A Silent Senator

    How To Recall A Silent Senator

    Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.


    You can recall your Senator. Many of them have refused to make laws that are focused on making the life of the average Nigerian youth better. And as we focus on the #EndSARS movement, I think it is important that we remember our many rights as Nigerian citizens.


    Read: We Stand With The #EndSARS Movement


    This is the definitive process of how you can recall your Senator from office.

    A Recall

    A recall is a process through which voters and electorates can remove a validly elected representative from office.

    The recall process for Nigerian Senators and members of the House of Representatives is contained in Section 69 of the 1999 constitution (as amended).

    Section 110 of the Constitution also states the recall process for House of Assembly members, while Section 116 of the Electoral Act, 2010 talks about the recall process for a member of an Area Council.

    How To Recall A Senator or Representative:

    1) Petition:

    A member of the Senate or the House of Representatives can be recalled if there is a petition signed by more than half of the people registered to vote in that person’s constituency stating their loss of confidence in the public official.

    This petition must be presented to the Chairman of the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC).


    Read: INEC Declares Obaseki Winner of Edo Election


    2) Verification

    Once INEC receives this petition, it crosschecks the petition to verify that it has truly been signed by more than half of the total registered voters in that constituency and if the petition process has been in line with the law.

    This is how the verification process works:

    • INEC will notify the Senator, Representative or Area Council member about to be recalled, telling the person that it has received a petition for their recall;
    • INEC will issue a public notice stating the date, time and location for the verification process;
    • The verification process will be conducted at the polling units of the elected official, and INEC will try to match the signatures on the petition to the people who actually signed them. These signatories must also appear in the Voters’ Register.
    • If the numbers verified is validly found to be less than half of the registered voters in that constituency, then the recall process will be dismissed, and INEC will write to the petitioners stating that the minimum requirements for a referendum were not met.

    3) Referendum

    A referendum is a direct vote where voters answer either “YES” or “NO” to a proposal.

    Section 69 (b) of the Constitution states that a referendum must be conducted by INEC within ninety days (90) of the receipt of the petition.

    The referendum will be a “Yes” or “No” vote on whether the Senator, Representative or Area Council Member should be recalled. And if a simple majority of the voters registered to vote in that official’s constituency vote “Yes”, the elected official stands recalled.

    The Chairman of INEC must send a Certificate of Recall to the Senate President, Speaker of the House of Representatives or the Chairman of an Area Council to effect the recall.

    We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.

  • 6 Nigerians Disclose How Money Ruined Their Friendships

    6 Nigerians Disclose How Money Ruined Their Friendships

    Recently, I had an interesting money situation where a friend defaulted on a loan. From the lies to the silence, I felt somehow. Especially because of the lies and fake anger. I assumed that a friend wouldn’t treat me like that.

    Motivated by my experience, I went asking people for their own money experience. Here’s what they said:

    I/20s/Female.

    There was this guy I used to borrow money. It was annoying because he was living above his means.

    To impress his rich friends, he’d collect money from poor people like me – Money for movies, clubbing, Netflix. From this money, he’d also eat out, buy weed, give his clothes to the dry cleaner. God, it was annoying. The worst part was that he’d only text when he needed money.

    So, I devised a plan to scam him in return. For a week, I ignored his texts and calls. He was so desperate to come back that he started paying for my food, drinks, and loud. I made sure we went out well, and when I was satisfied [that I had collected what I’d given him], I disappeared. [Laughs]

    M/20s/Female.

    There was this guy who had been my online friend for 4 years. We met offline a few times but the relationship didn’t progress into much, however, we were cool so I trusted him.

    He called me one day saying he needed ₦50,000 because Lastma stopped his car. I was like I don’t have ₦50,000 but I can do ₦30,000. The agreement was that he’d pay back once he got home since it was an unplanned expense.

    That day, the guy stopped picking my calls. Messages were delivering and he wasn’t responding. This is someone that if I send “Hi,” he’d respond quickly.

    By the next day, he had still not sent the money. I had to threaten him because of how uncomfortable I felt. I told him how disappointing he was. I don’t know how he did it, but he repaid the money that day. I suspect that he went to borrow from another person.

    Up till today, I don’t fuck with him anymore.

    E/20s/Male.

    I once loaned this guy ₦30,000 and he never paid back. The annoying thing was that I once loaned this same person some money that he paid back in a week. I didn’t know that he was testing the waters.

    For the 30k loan, the agreement was a month to pay back. One month turned to two, to three. Initially, I wasn’t bothered about the money because it was my rainy day funds. Then, I went for Nysc camp, and the whole process made me dead broke – So, I needed my money.

    I reached out to the guy and he was like “Ahan, hasn’t he given me?” He was now like “Why didn’t I say anything since?” In my mind, I was like “I have to remind you that you owe me money?”

    That’s how he said he’d settle me and I shouldn’t worry.

    It’s been almost 2 years and nothing. I have cancelled both him and the money. It’s cool sha because we learn every day.

    N/20s/Male

    One of my faves that year scattered my head. I was asking for my money and she was like “Is it because of this small money?” I was shook. When she eventually paid the money, I did giveaway.

    T/20s/Male.

    In the past, my mum and I used to be guys, but not anymore. I’d loan her money and she’ll not payback and that was cool.

    The incident that shocked me was when she used my name to collect money from my siblings. Apparently, she told them I’ll payback and those ones didn’t confirm from me.

    It was annoying because it was a rough time for me. I paid the money, but since then, our relationship hasn’t been the same. I still love her oh, but it’s not like before where I could move the world for her.

    S/20S/Female.

    I don’t like talking about it. The summary is that I was engaged to a bastard who duped me. I took a loan to support the ‘wedding’ and paid into his account. To cut a long story short, I didn’t get married and I’m still repaying the loan. Oloshi.

  • 6 Ways To Know Nigerians Who Hate Spending Money

    6 Ways To Know Nigerians Who Hate Spending Money

    We all know Nigerians like to manage money, but there are people who absolutely HATE spending money. They’ll do anything to avoid opening their purses. ANYTHING. Spending other people’s money is their calling. If there’s a promo somewhere, they are there.

    Always asking for giveaway

    They’ve turned on notifications to Don Jazzy’s tweets. You can surely find their account number under any giveaway post. I’m not mentioning any names o.

    Always looking for promo code

    You’ll find them easily on your Whatsapp with “Does anyone have uber/bolt promo code? Urgent pls.” Because they are always in a hurry not to spend their money.

    Always pricing things in the supermarket

    Don’t be taken aback when you get to the checkout and you see them asking if 750 for Dano milk is the last price because they bought it in Balogun market for 730 yesterday.

    freeform GIF by grown-ish

    Knows where all the cheap things are sold

    You have to give it to them; they make the best plugs if you need to find the cheapest things. Cars, phone, clothes, they have a plug. 

    jeans in Yaba market, Zikoko halfnaked

    Been using the same phone forever

    I mean, they hate spending. Of course they are not going to change a perfectly working phone.

    Their USB cord is on its last life

    They know themselves.

    Is there anyway to fix a broken iPhone charger cord? - Quora

    Now, come and read this one: 6 Excuses To Break Up With Your Nigerian Girlfriend

  • The Complete Guide To Responding To Compliments Like A Nigerian

    The Complete Guide To Responding To Compliments Like A Nigerian

    Chime: “Hey, your shoes are nice”
    Dorothy: “Oh thanks! Yours are nice as well”
    Chime: “Thank you”.

    The above conversation, (or any variations of it) has never happened in Nigerian history. Nigerians are not people to accept compliments. If you compliment a Nigerian, you’ll probably hear them say something like:

    1. “It’s not me, it’s God”

    Yes. This is a classic. Give all the glory to God because all good things are from him. You can’t have anyone thinking you’re proud or trying to take God’s glory.

    2. “Stop whining me”

    No sir. I don’t have the time nor the energy to sit here and whine you. I really think your skin is glowing. Please accept my compliment and let me move on with my day.

    3. “You that…”

    It can be anything, but this response to comments by Nigerians is like a reverasl. They’ll find something about you that they like and praise you for it to their own detriment.

    Chime: “Hey, your shoes are nice”
    Dorothy: “You that you have ten shoes, and me that I’m just managing this one. God will do my own sha”
    Chime: ???

    4. “Me that…”

    This one is also a Nigerian classic. When someone tells you that they like your handwriting and you reply with “Me that I’ve not eaten today”, you just know that you’re 100% Nigerian. No need for a genetics test.

    5. “Are you serious?”

    This one is for the Nigerians who like fishing for compliments. They’ll either act like they didn’t hear you, or ask if you’re serious so you can say more and boost their ego. Be wary of these people.

    If someone hits you with any of these, just reply them with

  • 6 Ways To Identify Fake Nigerians

    6 Ways To Identify Fake Nigerians

    Okay, here’s the thing: Nobody is asking you not to be sophisticated. But when you grow up in Mushin and you decide to act like you don’t know what it means to be a Nigerian, that’s where the problem is.

    Here’s how you can spot a fake Nigerian:

    1. They say “cops” instead of police

    There’s no way you heard anyone call Nigerian police cops growing up. It’s just not possible. The first time you heard anyone say cops was on cartoon channel and then in movies. So why are you on Twitter saying “All Nigerian cops are corrupt”? Please shift

    2. They dress like this every time

    Did anyone tell these people that there’s a heat wave all around the world and that Nigeria is really hot? You’ll see them wearing a turtle neck and walking under the sun. Better don’t kill yourself.

    3. They don’t listen to Nigerian music

    You’ll hear them say something like “oh no I just don’t like listening to Nigerian music. I like Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran”. They’ll also suggest that Nigerian music is trash and occasionally post a screenshot of some unknown foreign artist’s music.

    4. They have fake accents

    You’ll hear the occasional misplacement of where the ‘r’ sound is meant to be, and some grammatical errors and wonder where they got their british accent from. But that’s none of your business, is it?

    5. They say “pants” instead of trousers

    This one might be a bit flexible but you should be wary of Nigerians who say pants instead of trousers. They’re borderline posers. And that’s on that.

    6. They eat swallow with a fork and knife

    They’ll refuse to eat swallow until you give them fork and knife. If you don’t go and wash your hands…

  • 5 Things Every Nigerian Swore They Wouldn’t Do As A Child

    5 Things Every Nigerian Swore They Wouldn’t Do As A Child

    Remember watching Nollywood movies, seeing a smoker and going “God please I never want to be that person”. How’s that working out for you now? Let’s remind you of some of the other things you promised you would never do.

    1. Drinking

    If they ever mentioned you and alcohol in the same sentence you would probably start begin to shake and snap your fingers over your head, saying “I reject it”. Now look at you. Drunkard.

    2. Doing drugs

    After watching Nollywood movies, everyone who smoked or did drugs was definitely a murderer or a cultist. If someone started smoking around you as a kid you would just assume they were armed robbers getting high, and ready to attack someone at night. Now look at you. Chimney.

    3. Fornicating

    How could people even think about sex, talk less of having it. SEX!! S*X!! Eww. Now look at you. Of lay lay lay (of Lagos)

    4. Clubbing

    Everyone that went to the club was the devil, whether they knew it or not. How can you gather and begin to smoke, drink and dance to the devil’s music? Now, look at you. LMFAO

    5. Scamming your parents

    Did you ever think you would tell your dad that you needed 12k for a textbook? Neither did I. But look at you. Hushpuppi.

  • 7 Types of Reactions To Burna Boy’s New Album

    7 Types of Reactions To Burna Boy’s New Album

    If you don’t know Burna Boy dropped an album this week, or you’ve not even listened to it, just come out of the rock you’ve been hiding under – we promise not to touch you, an ancient Rock of Ages. Meanwhile, there were literally a million reactions to the album on social media the midnight it dropped. We curated 7 types of reactions:

    1. This Album Slaps

    https://twitter.com/kwabenabarnie/status/1294120075067297793?s=19

    These ones are aspiring Nigerian soldiers. Everything must be dirty slap. Hian.

    2. This Project is Mid

    These ones hate plaintain. Nothing impresses them, even if Jesus sends bulk SMS that he is coming tomorrow, they’ll still say his coming is mid. Mid ko.

    3. Burna Lo Help Diddy

    These ones believe Abacha’s wife can never be poor as Dangote, and that Nigeria once beat Brazil 99-0 in a World Cup match. Like, bros, can you just stop with the conspiracy theory. Let’s enjoy the music, biko.

    4. We Want An Album Like Outside

    https://twitter.com/WinnusJohn/status/1294202200105918464?s=19

    Ehn, bros go outside if you want outside na. Just make sure you’re wearing a face mask, or else Lagos State Task Force will use you and do Happy Weekend.

    5. Burna Boy Is homophobic

    https://twitter.com/Kayode_ani/status/1294200776869457926?s=19

    These are the thoughtful people that will rewrite Nigeria’s obtuse same sex marriage prohibition laws. We stan emotionally intelligent Kings and Queens.

    6. I Used To Support Burna Boy From Day 1

    Oya we have heard o, Lord of Casterly Rock. We know you were around when the word was with God. Thanks and God bless.

    7. 23 Is The Hit

    These ones will pick beans and there will be no stone left. Don’t cheat on them o, because they will find out. These ones will pick out a hit in an album of hits. Just call them hitmen.

    Zikoko has more relatable articles. Check out: 10 Food Pictures That Will Make You Scared of Nigerians.

  • 7 Very Nigerian Excuses People Use To Not Pay Back Money

    7 Very Nigerian Excuses People Use To Not Pay Back Money

    Nigerians are pros when it comes to dodging paying people back their money. They’ll give you any excuse on God’s green earth to avoid repaying you your money.

    Remember when we talked about catching the people owing you money?

    Here are some of the most ridicuously Nigerian excuses you’ll hear from Nigerians when its time to pay back your mone

    1. Their grandmother’s uncle’s teacher’s dog died

    And dog funerals are very expensive in their village

    2. They’re under spiritual attack

    You will soon be under financial attack.

    3. Their pastor said they should not touch money this period

    I will beat you and your pastor together.

    4. They deny remembering you borrowing them money

    “Me, borrow money? Are you sure it was me?”

    5. It is forbidden in their village to repay debt

    “If I try it, Amadioha will strike me.”

    If Amadioha doesn’t strike you, I will. Better pay up my money.

    “6. So you cannot even dash me?”

    This one is the most popular one. Dashboard ni.

    7. Is it because of this small money you’re disturbing me?

    You didn’t know it was small when you were begging for it?

    Now, it’s time to catch these dodgy debtors. Find out 6 Ways To Catch The People Owing You Money.

  • 5 Types Of Nigerians You’ll Meet On LinkedIn

    5 Types Of Nigerians You’ll Meet On LinkedIn

    If you use LinkedIn, you’ll understand that Nigerians on that space are another a different breed entirely. And trust us to tell things as they are. Here’s a list of Nigerians you’re likely to encounter on LinkedIn. Which one have you come across? More importantly, which one are you?

    1. The professional ones.

    grayscale photo of person using MacBook

    Yes, everyone on LinkedIn is professional in their own little way, it’s just that the aspect they are ‘professing’ in differs a lot. But you see these professional ones eh, they are the Nigerians who use LinkedIn the way the creators of LinkedIn designed for it to be used. They post job offers, tips to help you get a job, ways to get ahead in your career, etc.

    2. The fashionistas with a lirru bit of motivational quotes.

    I honestly want these people to pick one struggle and stand by it. If you want to slay, slay with your chest and leave motivational quotes alone. Don’t post a studio picture where you look like Naomi Campbell from Obalende and start telling us that success is a combination of hard work and dedication and whatnot. Slay your slay, nobody will beat you.

    3. The motivational speakers.

    If you throw a stone into LinkedIn, you’re likely to hit a motivational speaker. Omo, those people are everywhere. Stories of how somebody wanted to give up after 800 applications and they finally got a callback. Stories of how Jeff Bezos kinikan. Please dear, leave matter for Matthias. How your tory fit gimme job, na im I dey find.

    4. The magnifiers.

    Honestly, LinkedIn is full of people who magnify their accomplishments. And I really don’t have a problem with that. After all, we are all hustlers trying to sell market. What me I don’t like is when you buy N20 biscuit for your neighbour’s child and you add to your bio that you “Sated the congenital hunger of a toddler and helped to strengthen the potential of a future generation.” Abeg. LinkedIn is professional make-up, yes, but sometimes the lipstick is too much. Clean it small.

    5. And finally, those who came to date.

    “Date” is to put it mildly, sef. Because while you are on LinkedIn trying to find a job for your idle hands, some people are seeking active employment for their genitalia. They DM you, not with job offers, but with the prospect of your private parts colluding in even more private places. Like I said, I don’t blame them. I only just wish Jeff Bezos would DM me with that offer everyone would mind the business that pays them.


    Here’s something else you might like: 7 Types Of People You’ll Meet At NYSC CDS

    How brilliant are you? QUIZ: Only A Genius Can Unscramble 11/15 Nigerian State Capitals In 2 Minutes

  • QUIZ: Which Bad Nigerian Government Decision Are You?

    QUIZ: Which Bad Nigerian Government Decision Are You?

    Just when you think Nigeria can’t surprise you anymore, it does. With that in mind, we made a quiz to guess which bad decision by the Nigerian government you are.

    Try below:

  • A Crash Course On When To Faint Like A Nigerian Politician

    A Crash Course On When To Faint Like A Nigerian Politician

    Let’s start from here:

    Nigerian politicians have a history of fainting at court hearings and getting away with their bad behavior. So, we the good people of Zikoko came up with scenarios where you can also get away with this tactic in your daily life.

    https://twitter.com/thestatewriter/status/1285187769430609920?s=20

    Here are a few:

    1) When your girlfriend catches you cheating.

    Action!

    Fainting man. Zikoko Half-naked

    2) When your oga asks you why you’re late to work.

    You know the drill.

    3) If your tailor doesn’t want to release your cloth on time.

    Faint on their neck my dear.

    4) When you attend a party and jollof passes you.

    Repeat the above.

    5) Quick, go to your bank branch today and faint.

    Maybe they’ll finally stop charging card maintenance fee.

    6) If Canada doesn’t give you a visa, you know what to do.

    If you know, you know.

    7) When people at home call for black tax.

    Off the light and faint my dear.

    8) When next your landlord increases your rent, show yourself.

    Add a little bit of display and saliva to sell it.

    9) Anytime your parents ask when you’ll get married.

    FAINT ON THEIR HEAD.

    10) If anyone asks about your plans for the future, repeat the action plan above.

    You are welcome.

  • Some Of The Biggest Scams Young Nigerians Have Fallen For

    Some Of The Biggest Scams Young Nigerians Have Fallen For

    This is a post about all the soft lies we were sold as kids and have come to realize as adults. Ranging from career advice to relationships, to even what it means to be an adult.

    Let’s get into it:

    1) Karma is real.

    Nollywood really played a fast one on us because we grew up believing that bad things happen to bad people. So why are our politicians laughing at us?

    2) We are the leaders of tomorrow.

    Lol. A large majority of young people can’t even get decent jobs. And the ones that do get jobs realize that they have to jaapa.

    3) Get married at 25, have a family, a job…

    C-L-O-W-N.

    4) After passing Jamb, you can rest.

    I haven’t rested for a day since I entered Uni.

    5) And they lived happily ever after.

    Why didn’t anyone even give us the slightest hint about the hard work of both romantic relationships and friendships? Eez too hard. Cinderella come outside, I want to fight.

    6) Salary is the bribe you get to forget your dreams.

    They really tried it. They sold us aspire to perspire tea.

    7) As an adult, no one can tell you what to do.

    Okay oh.

  • 5 Nigerians Who Love The Rainy Season, And 5 Nigerians Who Don’t

    5 Nigerians Who Love The Rainy Season, And 5 Nigerians Who Don’t

    The rainy season is here and it’s a mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Here are some people who are enjoying this weather, and some people who are definitely not having fun.

    People who love it:

    1) Couples.

    This is the real weather for two. Sorry to all the single people out there.

    2) NEPA.

    They can finally be useless in peace because we have been conditioned to accept that rain = no light.

    3) People who don’t wash their cars.

    Finally, free car wash service from mother nature.

    4) Umbrella sellers.

    For obvious reasons.

    5) Beverage sellers.

    Because Nigerians and tea are like 5 and 6.

    People who definitely aren’t having fun:

    6) Lagosians.

    Eko atlantis because our city is under water dears.

    7) Single people.

    I’m sorry guys. God will fight your battles in this cold weather.

    8) People who want to get married.

    Rain, rain, go away, come again another day.

    9) Dry cleaners.

    Me: Where are my clothes?

    Dry cleaner:

    10) People who don’t have cars.

    I’m sorry guys. I really am. We are in this together.