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  • If You Want To Date A 30+ Man, These Are the Pros and Cons

    If You Want To Date A 30+ Man, These Are the Pros and Cons

    Everybody complains about 30+ men, yet so many people are also dating them. Why dis? I’ve decided to take it upon myself to do the research and find out the pros and cons of dating these old young men. 

    Pro: They’re more mature 

    I know that maturity ≠ age (trust me, I learnt that the hard way). But most of the time, 30+ men are more mature and more put together. Many of them kuku don’t even have the time — or energy — to play childish dating games. They’re quite straightforward and mature when it comes to communication and handling certain situations.

    Con: They’ll belittle your struggle and achievements 

    You’ll be upset or sad about something, and your dear 30+ boyfriend will be looking at you somehow, wondering why you’re upset about something so “little”. You can’t complain about work or about the things that annoy you to him because they seem so trivial in his eyes. He’ll either tell you that when you get older, these problems won’t matter or that there are bigger problems at hand. God o!

    Pro: They have more experience 

    Because he’s been on this earth for many, many years, he’s experienced quite a few things, good and bad. That means if you’re having a problem or you need help or advice, he’ll be able to help you or connect you with people that can help you. 

    Con: They’ll use your age to insult you many times 

    “You’re too young, you won’t understand” is something you’ll hear from your 30+ man so often  you’ll want to punch him in the throat. Any small thing, he’ll be using your age to insult you. He’ll tell you that when you’re older, you’ll understand. Understand what, ehn, arugbo ojo? I don’t know why 30+ men like to feel like they’re the oldest and most experienced group of people. Only three decades that they’ve been on this earth o! 

    RELATED: The Pros and Cons of Being in The Streets 

    Pro: They have money

    They’ve been working for much longer than my GenZ happening babes, so it is more likely that they have plenty money and investments. 

    Con: They’re no fun 

    They rarely ever want to go out or do any activity that involves too much movement. Their own idea of fun is watching their favourite TV series while eating in bed. Best in back ache. God help you, you now mention going to an event at  past 8 p.m. and they’ll almost want to cry. You want to keep them out past their bedtime? They’ll fight you. 

    Pro:  They won’t break up with you

    30+ men don’t have the strength to be in the streets. Do you think they want to be asking people their favourite foods and colours in this their old age? That’s why the moment they start dating someone, it takes a lot before they break up. If you like, come with all the wickedness in the world, they’ll date you like that. 

    Con: You come from two different eras so you may not be able to relate to them

    There’s a chance that both of you won’t be able to relate to a lot of things in regards to pop culture. (except you’re both interested in these types of things). I have a 30+ friend who just discovered that Skepta and Stormzy are two different people, and I’m still ashamed on his behalf. The worst part is when your 30+ man can’t understand GenZ slangs. You’ll text him, “I don’t think that’s right imo,” and he’ll be wondering what Imo state has to do with the topic you’re discussing. 

    RELATED:  10 Things Nigerian Women Want Nigerian Men to Know 

    Pro: They’ll get along with your parents

    Simply because he’s closer to their age (I said what I said) , and they may share similar interests. 

    Con: They’re always tired 

    30+ men get tired easily. They never have energy for anything. All they want to do is rest. They can’t even stand or sit up for too long; their backs will start aching. This can also be a pro sha, because it means they also won’t have the strength for fights. If they notice any potential couple fight brewing, they’ll quickly apologise. 

    Pro: They want to marry early

    If you’re someone who’s looking to get married in the next two to three years of your life, you should date a 30+ man, especially the ones that are edging closer to 40 and feel like the next big step for them is to get married.  

    Con: They want to marry early

    Then again, if you’re someone who isn’t ready to get married anytime soon, don’t let your eyes look in the direction of a 30+ man. Because they may not understand why you aren’t ready for marriage when they are ready. 

    ALSO READ:  9 Nigerian Women Talk About Dating Men vs Dating Women

    Dammy Eneli

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  • QUIZ: If You Do at Least 12 of These Things, You’re the Cause of Nigeria’s Problem

    QUIZ: If You Do at Least 12 of These Things, You’re the Cause of Nigeria’s Problem

    Sorry, but if you do any of these things you are the cause of Nigeria’s problems.

    Tick all options you relate to.

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • You’re Not in a Nigerian Bachelor’s Apartment If You Don’t Find All These Things

    You’re Not in a Nigerian Bachelor’s Apartment If You Don’t Find All These Things

    No matter the type of personality they have, and no matter where they live, every Nigerian bachelor has eight out of these nine things in their apartments.

    1.TV

    Nigerian men will use the last money they have in their accounts to buy massive TVs, and they’ll feel fulfilled in life. As long as they have their big ass TV, they are fine. They can sleep, sit and eat on the floor. 

    2.Game console

    And the game console must have FIFA 20 something or a fighting or killing game that has way too much blood; if not, the set up is not complete.

    3.Mattress on the floor 

    What is it with Nigerian men and not getting bed frames? Did they curse you people?

    4. Crusher

    The crusher may not necessarily be theirs, because not all Nigerian bachelors smoke (even though they all behave like they are high all the time), but you must find a crusher in their house. Sometimes they like to use the crushers as decorative pieces. 

    5. Ashewo Shorts

    This is one of the things that make up the Nigerian bachelor starter pack, so of course you’ll find it in their homes and in many colours.

     RELATED: What Is With Nigerian Women and Having These Things In Their Apartments 

    6. Alcohol in the fridge

    You must always see an unhealthy quantity of alcohol and energy drinks. If you find anything more than that, you’re not in a Nigerian bachelor’s house. 

    7.Disposable packs

    Because Nigerian men would rather die than cook. If it’s not take-away packs from Instagram food vendors, it’s foodflasks that formerly contained food cooked by their fuck-buddies or mothers. 

    8.Too many perfumes

    After TVs, the next thing Nigerian men finish their money on is perfumes. Enter their rooms and you’ll find at least 20 bottles of perfume in their closets. They’ll now come online and say they don’t have money.

    9.Condoms

    They have a bed-side drawer filled with different brands and flavours. They are always ready for mekwe. 

    CONTINUE READING: 7 Nigerian Men Confess Their Biggest Big Dick Struggles

    Dammy Eneli

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  • Why Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is Basically a Cat

    Why Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is Basically a Cat

    Have you ever noticed the similarities between your Nigerian girlfriend and a cat? Well, we’ve noticed eight.

    1) They like your own space but you can’t be in theirs

    If a cat likes you, they’d try to spend a lot of time in your personal space. If your Nigerian girlfriend likes you, she’d try to enter your skin, but if she’s sitting alone and you try to sit beside her, problem. What’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is theirs.

    2) They’re expensive

    Love with a Nigerian woman is sweet, but when money enters, it’s so much sweeter. To take care of a cat will set you back a lot of money, and same with your babe.

    3) Constantly watching you make your stupid decisions

    Not only will your cat and Nigerian babe watch you do your nonsense, they both will judge you after you do your rubbish. The eyes of your cat will judge you and your babe will keep saying “shey you see what you’ve done to yourself?”

    4) Best in grooming

    Cats are the bad bitches of pets, and bad bitches can’t be caught lacking. That’s why they’re constantly grooming themselves. Your babes skincare costs the same as someone’s yearly rent because bad bitches have to look great always.

    5) They’re wicked

    How many songs are named after Nigerian men? Exactly! It’s because they don’t do anything. But you see the wickedness women have shown men? It’s enough for them to enter studio.

    6) Living with them means hair everywhere

    If it’s not from their many many wigs, it’s from wash day or retwist day. You know what else leaves hair everywhere? Cats.

    7) You look better by association

    Simply owning a cat is a huge flex and will improve anyone’s desirability. Dating a Nigerian babe will you just make you finer and hotter. The glow they provide is immaculate.

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 8 Things Gen-Z Nigerians Should Be Able to Accomplish in a Day

    8 Things Gen-Z Nigerians Should Be Able to Accomplish in a Day

    Since Gen-Z Nigerians should not be wasting their day doing things that give them joy, here’s a list of eight things they should be able to accomplish in a day. All they have to do is apply themselves.

    1) Build a startup

    What else are they doing that they can’t build and scale a startup before their estate gate is locked at 10 p.m.? They just have to wake up before 6 a.m.

    2) Create web4

    While the whole world is raving about web3, why not take it one step further and introduce web4. Virtual reality is cool but it’s getting boring. That’s why Gen-Z Nigerians should use their energy to create new webs. Why not virtual smelling? They should create an app that can tell us who farted in the room. Instead, they’re worrying about things like school.

    3) Launch their own cryptocurrency

    They can finally put all their phone pressing to good use.

    4) Rule a country

    Why be a leader of tomorrow when you can be the leader of today? Presiding over the affairs of a country seems like a more productive use of their time than sleep. What has sleep ever done for anyone?

    5) Add more hours to the day

    Create a new time system that allows for fifteen hours of personal growth and eight hours of sleep. The new time schedule should also allow for time to relax and bond with friends and family. If anyone can do it, the Gen-Z’s can.

    6) Solve the traffic problem in Lagos state

    They’ll be complaining about prices of cabs but will not do something to solve the traffic problem in Lagos state? That doesn’t really make sense. Maybe if they spent less time doing alte things, they can solve it in their next cab ride.

    7) End global warming

    Gen-Z’s are the ones that’ll need the Earth for longer, so they might as well put in the work. Millennials have gotten their best years out, they’ll be fine.

    8) Get to the bottom of the fuel scarcity

    Nigeria exports oil, but Nigeria doesn’t have fuel. 2+2 is supposed to be four, but that’s not what’s happening right now. What are the Gen-Z’s doing about the fuel scarcity?

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 9 Weird Hangover Remedies That Actually Work

    9 Weird Hangover Remedies That Actually Work

    It’s TGIF and we know a lot of you drunkards out there are going to be downing bottles of alcohol tonight like you have spare livers kept aside somewhere.

    Tomorrow you’ll wake up with the worst headache, and you’ll tell yourself you’ll never drink again. We both know that’s a lie; it’s the hangover talking. We understand that hangovers are from the pit of hell, and that’s why these remedies — However weird they seem — may help you recover.

    Disclaimer: This isn’t medical advice in anyway.

    1. Raw eggs and orange juice

    This is a top-tier combo. The raw egg contains chemicals that will help restore functions to your body, and the orange juice has Vitamin C, which helps revitalise your body. Plus, the orange juice cancels out the taste of the raw egg.

    2. Garri and coke 

    Do you want your hangover to go away or not? So do yourself a favour and pour half a bottle of coke into a bowl of garri and drink it like you’d drink normal garri and water. The coke is to give you energy, while the garri is to soak up all the alcohol. 

    3. Agbo jedi jedi

    If you don’t already know, Nigerians use agbo jedi to cure every single disease on this planet. So if it can cure cancer, liver disease, stroke, heart disease, what’s now ordinary hangover?

    4. Sardines

    Yes, just sardines. The oil, fish and salt work together to settle your stomach. Don’t ask us questions, just do it.

    5. Indomie and ketchup 

    First of all, you’re welcome, because this one is tried and tested, so take our word for it. 

    6. Igbeaux

    Because highness >>>> hangover.

    7. Alcohol

    This is most likely the last thing you want to hear, but the only way to get over a hangover is to drink again. But this time, the type of alcohol you need to drink is the one that comes in a sachet: the kind that only roadside sellers have. Ask for Chelsea. This type of alcohol will burn the hangover right out of your system. 

    8. Eba and Okra 

    One way to get over a hangover is by eating heavy food. And what’s heavier than eba? By the time you finish eating the eba, sleep will slap you so hard, you’ll forget about any hangover. We chose okra soup so that the okra would draw out the alcohol in your body. Get it? Draw? If you don’t get it, forget about it. 

    9. Sex 

    If you’re having throbbing hangover headaches, sex is a great remedy for that. Having sex releases a hormone that is thought to help control pain. You’ll feel more relaxed and might eventually get some restful sleep. 

    Dammy Eneli

    , , , ,

  • 7 Lies All Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients

    7 Lies All Fitness Trainers Tell Their Clients

    After the devil and Yoruba men, fitness trainers are the next top set of liars. They’ll lie to you with their full chest just to either make you do that extra exercise or to chop your money. If you’ve ever had a fitness trainer, below are seven lies you must have heard. 

    1. “One more rep.”

    The biggest lie of them all. One more, one more, and that’s how you’ve done 20 extra reps. Do they want to kill somebody?

    2. “The scale doesn’t matter.” 

    So why did you ask me to check my starting weight at the beginning? 

    3. “You can do it!” 

    No, I can’t o. I can’t! Whenever they say this phrase, it’s not because they believe you can actually do it. It’s their way of trying to ginger you to do an exercise that will almost kill you. And that’s what they want. To kill you. 

    4. “No pain, no gain.”

    Says who? Don’t you just want to slap them across the face when they say this? They think that by pushing you beyond your limits and lying to you while at it, you’ll work harder. Omo, once I begin to feel small pain, I run away. I can’t come and kill myself because of gain. Will gain take me to heaven?

    5. “Last exercise.”

    Every single exercise is the last exercise until you actually reach the original last one. It’s extra heartbreaking because these trainers will look you in the eye in your most vulnerable moment and assure you that that is your last workout, knowing fully well that it isn’t. After God, fear them.

    6. “You’re gaining muscle.”

    “You’re gaining muscle and losing fat. Muscle weighs more than fat, that’s why you’re not seeing changes yet.” Please stop lying to me. Which muscle are you seeing? Just say your program isn’t working.

    QUIZ: How Much Of A Fitness Guru Are You?

    7. “You’re losing weight.” 

    Oga, what type of lie is this now? I’ve only been working out with you for three days, which weight did I lose? 

    Dammy Eneli

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  • 6 Corny Things That Always Happens in Every Romantic Telenovela Series

    6 Corny Things That Always Happens in Every Romantic Telenovela Series

    As a kid, you probably spent most evenings watching telenovelas with your family. These days, the adult you sometimes looks for their familiar plots wherever you stream your movies and series. Time changes things, but telenovelas will always have one of these six tropes.

    1. Romantic montages

    Telenovela could almost give Indians a run for their money with how long their romantic montages can be — the actors even sing sometimes. A woman and her man can fight for four seasons only to fall in love, have an episode-long romantic montage, and in the next episode, one of them dies. End of story.

    2. Evil Women and their underlings

    Is it even a telenovela if there is no sinister character trying to make the lives of the protagonist and her love interests life hell? Bonus points if she has an evil child/children ready to do her bidding. 

    3. Rich people falling in love with a poor people

    It’s giving Nollywood because where does this happen in real life? They always have the most ridiculous meet-cutes where the rich boy hits her with his car and has to take her home. Tbh I too would like the universe to help me like that. 90% of the time, the poor person ends up being some rich man’s secret child, which is even more unrealistic. But do we keep watching? Hell yes.

    4. Hospital scenes

    This has to happen because someone has to either: suffer  a ghastly accident, be in a coma, have acid poured on them or die, for the plot to move forward. What else will bring family members closer? 

    5. Big family secrets

    If it’s not a secret family or child, it’s that someone or some people have treasure buried somewhere that only the chosen ones in the family can find, or you will run mad. Makes me wonder if Nigerian copywriters just copy their answer sheets and change some words. 

    6. Cheating

    Men in telenovelas dey cheat shege! They will cheat on their wedding day, when their wife is sick or about to give birth, and will still have the audacity to be surprised when a child appears 10 years later and calls them father. 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Nigerian Adults Still Living With Their Parents Tell Us Their Biggest Struggles

    8 Nigerian Adults Still Living With Their Parents Tell Us Their Biggest Struggles

    As a young Nigerian who still lives with her parents at 25, there are many daily struggles I face for being poor and not being able to afford to live on my own yet: curfews, dress codes, etc.  I know there are many people like me out there who face these ghetto struggles on a daily.  So I asked eight  25+ Nigerians to tell me their biggest struggles living with their parents.  

     

    Adediwura, 27

    My parents will call you if you are not home by 10 p.m., and keep calling you until you get home. They do this for the daughters, but the sons can just decide not to come back. For us girls, unless you tell them beforehand that you won’t be coming home or that you’re travelling, they’ll call you to death.

    Also, one annoying thing that my mother does is call me on the phone to come upstairs to ask me if the doors in the house are locked,  then she asks me to switch off her bedroom light, which we both know is the major reason she wanted me to come all the way upstairs in the first place. She thinks she’s sly.

    Sola, 29

    As the last born and currently the only child in their house, it’s hard to leave because they’re old,  so I have to stay and handle some things that they can’t. But they are now purposely making me stay back because no one else will,  like it’s a rule. But they make it so difficult to live with them.

    Speaking of rules, curfew is by 8 p.m., once it’s 8:02 like this, they’ve called my sisters overseas to tell them that I’ve run away from the house or that I’m drunk somewhere. I’m not allowed to bring girls over; even bringing male friends is wahala sometimes.

     Annabel, 25

    At 25 years old, I still need to tell them where I’m going. It’s not like I won’t let them know, but the expectation that I must take permission is annoying and makes me feel like I’m being monitored like a 12-year-old.  Also, they think my money is their money but it’s not. When I was growing up, their money was my money because they insisted on giving birth to me, training me and taking care of me.  Now, I want to take care of them but my salary is ₦150,000, Wi-Fi is expensive, transportation is expensive, and the little I have left, I want to spend it on myself.  I want them to manage the one I can give them, not for them to be telling me to drop ₦50,000  as feeding allowance for the house. 

    Also, when I first started working virtually, my mum would enter my room and try to gist with me and I’d be like, “This woman, I’m in a meeting,” then she’d get upset, walk out and slam my door. Yeah, she’s that dramatic.  And she’s so petty that later, when she cooks and I want to eat, she’ll mimic me mockingly: “I’m busy, I’m in a meeting. Sorry I can’t talk now.” And because I am my mother’s child, I’m also petty. So me too, I’ll walk away and not eat the food…until hunger catches me in the middle of the night and I sneak into the kitchen to eat it.

    Ayotunde, 25

    I think one of the most annoying things about living with my parents is the curfew. I have to be home by 9 p.m., and due to Lagos traffic, that means all my turn-ups end by 5 p.m., at most; when the party has barely started. There was a time I stayed out beyond my curfew because I was working late at the office that day. The next day, my mum called my boss and queried him. I nearly lost my job. 

    She also likes to hog the TV, although she’s more lenient with it now. Before, she was always in charge of the remote, meaning the channel could change anytime, especially in the evenings. Imagine missing UEFA Champions League nights because of African Magic Yoruba and I couldn’t go out to watch. And yet she’d fall asleep in front of the TV  while claiming she was still watching.

    Wale, 28

    For me, it has to be the little to no freedom;  my mother steady complains if I go out twice or three times in a row. My curfew used to be 9 p.m., then it moved to 10 p.m., and now it’s midnight. I guess, my parents are slowly realising that I’m an adult.

    My parents have this annoying habit of sending me on errands that they could have done themselves. For example, my mum or dad would get home to send me to buy something from a place they literally passed on their way home.

    They also wake me up for the silliest reasons. One time they woke me up and asked me to look for a list they wrote that I didn’t even know about, only for them to later find it on their dressing table.

    Bisi, 24

    My parents wake me up for no reason at all, because how can you still be sleeping at 8 a.m. in a Nigerian parent’s home. “At this time, you’re still sleeping! It’s not possible!” Then there’s the overall lack of privacy and boundaries; one time my mother called me from a meeting to help her change her WhatsApp display picture.

    Lukman, 31

    I don’t exactly have freedom in the house.  I work from home, and even though I let them know that I’ll be busy for a certain period of time, they’ll still call me for one thing or the other and that always disrupts my thinking process. 

    One time, when my dad got back from one of his travels, he told me to take his dead car that he had refused to throw away, for a spin. He was angry we hadn’t warmed the car, so he told me to take it for a spin. This car died on the way. I had to push it for a while. It was so embarrassing.

    J, 25

    The most annoying thing is that my parents have too much access to me; when I go out, they’re looking for me, if I’m at home, they’re calling me every ten minutes to watch something I’m not interested in, or to gist, when I just want to be in my room alone. 

    My dad sees me as his little girl, so we’re always fighting about curfew and staying out late, but thankfully, I stay winning this fight. My dad can call you fifty times a day, half the time, he didn’t have to call you. 

    Dammy Eneli

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  • These 7 Courses Should Be Compulsory for Nigerian Men

    These 7 Courses Should Be Compulsory for Nigerian Men

    Nigerian men need to enrol in one of these seven courses if they want the quality of their lives to be better. We’re rooting for you, kings.  

    [newsletter]

    1. Patience 101

    Nigerian men need to rise above leaving their kids at home in fits of annoyance every Sunday. Be the change king; change begins with you. 

    2. Fundamentals of active listening 

    Dear Nigerian men, if you do not press your phones when you talk to your boss, why would you do that when your partner is talking to you?  

    3. Advanced cooking (that isn’t just noodles) 

    You need to stop being proud of yourself because you made noodles and added vegetables or sardine. If you can’t make at least four or five soups, who will marry you like this? 

    4. Introduction to romance

    It would not kill you guys to do something romantic once in a while, sha let it be something your partner likes. And remember not to mix up your partner’s names. Stay safe kings. 

    5. Moisturising for dummies

    Having a proper skincare routine is not as scary as you think it is and this nano degree will change your life. It’s 2022, there’s no excuse for being ashy.  

    6. Basic texting etiquette  

    We know it’s hard, but when she sends you a text, you’re supposed to reply to every single point she mentions. We know your demons want you to reply with “Okay” or to only reply to the last text she sent in a series of messages, but please, don’t let the devil use you to use her. 

    7. The beginner’s guide to self-care

    Kings, we know it’s hard, but you need to learn how to take care of yourself first. That brother, girlfriend or sister-in-law’s problem will happen again next month. Buy yourself that PS5 or a nice t-shirt. You deserve to be taken care of.

     

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 Trusted Ways to Ensure Your Salary Lasts Till Next Month

    10 Trusted Ways to Ensure Your Salary Lasts Till Next Month

    It’s officially salary week. After waiting for January to hurry its ass up, we can finally see the finish line and we’re sure most of you have gotten the long-awaited credit alert. While you may be tempted to blow all this money on or before February 14, we’d like to remind you that sapa is still real and it’s always on the prowl . To avoid stories that touch, we listed a couple of preventive measures you can take to safeguard your salary until next month. 

    [newsletter]

    1. Withdraw everything and bury it in the ground 

    Out of sight, out of mind. The reason you keep spending your money like your father is Otedola is because you can see it in your account every day. If you want your money to last till next month, withdraw everything from your account, pick a random plot of land and bury it there. Make sure you don’t mark the spot. Every time you feel like going back, remember you have to dig up the whole plot of land before you find it. But don’t call us if someone else finds your money sha; all monies buried at owner’s risk. 

    2. Take it to Shiloh so they can double it

    Remember when we told you to take your account number to Shiloh? Well, the eagle has landed. But we’ll need you to go back with the money so they can run you another miracle. Hold on to the hem of your pastor’s garment and don’t let go until they at least 2x your salary. If you have coconut head, they might quadruple it. Amen? 

    3. Give your mother to keep it for you

    If you think about it, she’s been saving money for you since you were a child. Have you ever seen the money? No. But every time someone gave you money growing up, she collected it and told you she’s “keeping” it for you. Who knows, maybe when she finally gives you all that money, you can buy a house in Banana Island. 

    4. Delete all your social media apps and run 

    If you’re smart, this should be a no-brainer. One of the reasons your salary doesn’t last is because you’re always buying unnecessary shit from Instagram vendors and going to the fancy restaurants you see on people’s stories. To dodge the trap of incoming poverty, delete all the social media apps on your phone. The only social media app you should have is LinkedIn, plus calendar, clock and calculator to keep track of all your expenses. 

    5. Break up with your partner and avoid relationships

    You want to save money but you’re out here doing love and spending money on dates? You must be a joker. In fact, look for a red marker and start painting your face like a clown. One of the easiest ways to save your money is by avoiding relationships like coronavirus 3.0. If anyone tells you, “Hi,” tell them to go and greet their daddy because you’re not doing. Stay focused. 

    6. Buy a bag of garri and drink it every day for 30 days

    Someone in the Bible fasted for 40 days and 40 nights; surely you can survive on soaking garri for only four weeks. Think of the greater good here: suffering builds character. 

    7. Find the person that multiplied his salary 23x 

    We still feel like this story has long legs. But then again, maybe we’re just jealous because we can’t even manage to double our salaries. If you can find him and learn from him, then good for you. If his method works, dear, please don’t be selfish, send us a DM so we can jot one or two fings down.

    8. Avoid broke people 

    Please and please, shey you know that broke people can’t help each other? How do we know you’re broke? My dear, you’re reading this post. If any of your broke friends asks you to come out, reject their offer with vim because you’ll end up spending money you don’t have. To make sure you don’t go broke before next month, we’ll advise that you only roll with the rich. But don’t be doing anyhow o, be a classy parasite. 

    9. Tell your family members you’re dead 

    It’s crazy how certain family members can smell your salary all the way from the village. It’s almost like they’re in the same WhatsApp group with your boss. The money lands like this and the next thing, one uncle that bathed you when you were three years old is calling you to help a cousin you didn’t even know existed. Best solution? Fake your death. Make a Facebook post and WhatsApp broadcast that you’ve passed away. They don’t have Instagram or Twitter, so you’ll be fine. 

    10. Sit at home 

    People who sit at home save more. It’s simple mathematics. If you stay home and eat the garri we asked you to buy, you’ll be fighting with Dangote over who’s richer in like two years. We know what we’re saying. 

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

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  • Ridiculous Things That Shouldn’t Have Happened to Us as Kids

    Ridiculous Things That Shouldn’t Have Happened to Us as Kids

    Some odd things happened to us as kids that seemed normal at that time but now that we are older, our brains just keep going, “wtf?” Why did our parents let these things happen? Here is a list of some of the worst things we endured. 

    1. Getting punished for speaking your native language 

    What was the thought process behind this? We are Nigerians living in Nigeria; why can’t we speak our native language? This is why we don’t believe that certain states are real. Jigawa, we are greeting you. 

    2. Getting punished for late payments of school fees

    Just a thought oh, but why didn’t they beat the parents? Instead of beating kids, why didn’t they send them home? Kids didn’t need to be embarrassed and beaten to pass a message to their parents. Sometimes people don’t recover from things like these. 

    3.  Being beaten for coming late to school

    I don’t think teachers know this, but when you are four or even 15 you are not exactly in control of logistics. Nigerian parents need to start beating these people up since they only understand violence. 

    4. Flogging for things outside our control

    You would get flogged for things you had no control over and for things they should have explained better. Teachers would flog you for having bad eyesight, being left-handed, being hyperactive, for liking the opposite sex — it was all so unnecessary. 

    5. Being denied permission to use the bathroom

    In what insane world would this be normal? Why would you deny anyone the choice to use the bathroom? It’s giving slavery tbh. 

    6.  Getting beaten for bedwetting

    Did anyone ever stop to think that these kids were embarrassed that this was happening to them often? Would it have killed someone to offer a solution like making them pee before bed? Why is violence always the answer? 

    7. Spending your entire day in school

    Kids would wake up by 5-6 am, especially kids in Lagos. They’d be in school till 3 and then have another hour of extra lessons, and when they got home, one wicked lesson teacher would be waiting for them. Nigerian parents have no joy sha.

    8. Cutting your hair/ dreadlocks

    Why didn’t parents riot when these things happened to their kids?  You’d get admitted to a Christian school and they would ask you to cut your hair. Nigerian kids deserve better. 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • Nigeria’s AFCON Exit Was Terrible, but At Least It Gave Us These Tweets

    Nigeria’s AFCON Exit Was Terrible, but At Least It Gave Us These Tweets

    After the Super Eagles decided to go home yesterday because rest is good for the body, Kwame, Nana and Frimpong came out to drag us by our edges. But you know Nigerians na, we were the first to drag ourselves. Here are some of the funniest responses to Nigeria leaving AFCON.

    1. Why this? 😭

    2. Nigerians kill me. 

    3.  Our Eagle still sabi work abeg 😭.

    4. Come out, let’s fight.

    5. It’s almost like they were waiting 💀.

    6. Even though, even though. 

    7. Not this person denying his country 💀

    8. What he said 👍🏾

    9. We do not chase, we attract. 

    10.  God, plis, abeg.

    Malakai Bassey

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  • Every Nigerian Parent’s Search History Probably Looks Like This

    Every Nigerian Parent’s Search History Probably Looks Like This

    Nigerian parents wake up in the morning and choose violence every day. If they’re not sending you weird Whatsapp news, they’re pestering you to get married. We tried imagining what Nigerian parents’ browsing history could look like based on things they constantly complain about and came up with these:

    [newsletter]

    1. “Names of teenagers that died because they went out with friends”

    We get it. They don’t want us to have a life, but can they just chill?

    2. “Are durags a sign of the Antichrist?”

    When is anything not the sign of the Antichrist to them?

    3. “Video of a 10-year-old boy preaching”

    I can still say John 3:16; please leave me alone. 

    4. “7-year-old in Harvard”

    Okay, daddy. Maybe if your family had good brain genes now….

    5. “Why is my child not married?”

    Because I belong to the streets. Get with the program.

    6. “Do people lose their sight by pressing phones?”

    Do people lose their voices by shouting too much?

    7. “How to summon slippers and belts with your mind”

    Omo! They would have learnt how to do this if they could. 

    8. “Tope Alabi music download”

    Having to explain how streaming services work to Nigerian parents is my 13ᵗʰ  reason. 

    9. “Kolanut health benefits”

    I don’t care. This shit is way too bitter. Miss me with it.

    10. “Daily scriptures for wayward children”

    If you can’t raise a bad bitch, don’t give birth to one. 

    11. “How to be right all the time”

    Will you people die if you apologise just once?

    12. “How to see my kids’ WhatsApp status”

    Search from now till tomorrow, you won’t find it. We’re trying to protect you here. 

    13. “How to leave the channel on CNN/NTA forever”

    Why do they always lie that they are watching the news when all they do is fall asleep?

    14.“ When will I become a grandparent?”

    Except we can sell them as NFTs, never. Don’t be angry.

    15. “Names of women that have gotten pregnant from talking to boys”

    Nigerian parents will ruin you by telling you to run away from boys and still have the guts to ask you why you don’t want to get married. 

    16. “How much is an iPhone?”

    Whatever amount we tell you, mind your own business and don’t tell us to buy it for you. 

    17. “How to know your child’s salary”

    You can’t. You shouldn’t. Send all of us weekly allowance, please. We’re going through it. 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Appropriate Responses to Getting Fired

    8 Appropriate Responses to Getting Fired

    Nothing is more painful than receiving a termination email. After an hour of crying, come back and use these 8 self-care responses.

    1. “My pastor said I won’t get fired, please”

     Do they want to call your pastor a liar? Hell straight! Don’t even take rubbish from them. God has plans for you and being fired is not one of them. Back to sender abeg.

    2. “Okay bet”

    That’s it, that’s all an email like that deserves. Let them know you were down to leave yesterday. Time to start a TikTok account where you share company secrets and earn your coins. 

    3. “My mother said they don’t use to fire people from my village”

    Do they want to argue with your mum ni? If they don’t believe you, they should text all your uncles in the village to confirm. If they can’t do that, then they can’t fire you. Simple logic. 

    4. “I respectfully decline”

    What can they do? Beat you? Abeg, if they want to move mad, you move madder. Go to work the next day and every week after that until they forget to remove you from payroll. This works, trust me.

    5. “Add that mail to spam”

    Carry on with your day. No job will stress you this year. If you didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. If they have mind, they should come and tell you in person.

    6. “Omg is it opposite day?”

    It has to be an opposite day, but why did they choose to pretend to fire you instead of mistakenly sending you your CEO’s salary? Tell them to fix up and enjoy your day my gee.

    7. “It’s your daddy that will be fired”

    Don’t they have a conscience? Why do they always send it in the morning when you’ve not even eaten? Nobody will judge you if you respond with this ment for ment. 

    8. “Chill first, let me get back to you”

    It truly can not be you they sent that email to. Do they want you to starve? How will you fund your lifestyle? They should have considered all that before sending that email. Let them chill first. You’ll reply when you are ready. 

    [Newsletter]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • Why Don’t Nigerians Talk About Their Personal Income? — 7 Nigerians Tell Zikoko

    Why Don’t Nigerians Talk About Their Personal Income? — 7 Nigerians Tell Zikoko
    Talk About Income

    Why is personal income such a taboo topic to Nigerians? Is it due to classism or feelings of inadequacy? Or have we been conditioned to think talking about money is boastful or tacky?

    We asked seven Nigerians why they don’t talk about money, and here’s what they said:

    Precious, 27

    Shame, dear. How do you tell your friends and classmates who expect big things from you that you’re earning ₦30k a month? Thankfully sha, Jesus died and took my shame away. Now, I can freely talk about it while searching for a better job.

    Victor*, 28

    People suddenly turn to personal accountants, calculating your salary and how much you should be able to give them. One time I was talking with a classmate about needing to get to sabo that evening and change money. He asked, “You get paid in dollars?” I said yes. He asked, “How much?” and without thinking, I mentioned it. After five minutes of whyning me, we switched topics, and I thought that was the end of it. 

    He later called to ask if I could help him with ₦30k. I explained why I couldn’t give him. I had been robbed and was trying to replace my gadgets and pay outstanding bills. Then the dude went, “If you give me 30k, you will have so and so left. You can buy a laptop for this amount, use this to do this and that and still have so and so left. I just hung up.

    Oluchi*, 24

    Once people realise how much they earn, it affects how we relate. On the one hand, I feel entitled to their wealth if I know they earn a lot. I have tech bro friends who I occasionally try to bill because they make a lot of money — sometimes I have to check myself from going overboard. On the other hand, for people who don’t earn much, I find myself excusing them from responsibility or overcompensating by being overly pitiful. In my experience, no decent person likes to be pitied as it makes them feel small. 

    Arit*, 35

    Many people believe in jazz. I don’t know that I do, but I’m nervous about discussing my salary because you never know who is who. Just to be on the same side, I don’t talk about my salary. Village people are active o and me I don’t want to jinx anything. It’s also a similar reason why people don’t talk about their japa plans until they have settled in the abroad.

    Muyiwa*, 20

    I’m a software engineer employed at an abroad company, and I’m yet to graduate from university. Initially, I didn’t have problems disclosing my salary. However, I noticed that relatives thought it was too much money for a “small boy”. According to them — especially the boomers — I had no responsibilities. Someone even wanted my mother to be keeping money for me as if I’m ten years old. At some point, I stopped spending my own money because I didn’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. Funny enough, I don’t think it’s a lot, and I hope to 3X my salary this year.

    Femi, 23

    While I’m not particularly secretive about my earnings, I don’t go into the details. Instead of disclosing figures, I keep my income vague because people do usually ment. I’d hate to wake up to texts from people precisely breaking down my earnings and trying to show me how my giving them a part of it won’t bother my life. 

    Farida*, 32

    I don’t want people to rate my lifestyle based on how they think I spend. Somebody can start judging you for things you buy or don’t buy because they think you’re living above your means. Also, sometimes it’s to keep families from inviting unnecessary wahala. So I’d rather remain silent.

    But many people get underpaid because they don’t discuss how much they earn. It’s crazy.

    Ama Udofa

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  • Twitter Users Re-imagined Nigeria As A Working Country And It’s Hilarious As Hell

    Twitter Users Re-imagined Nigeria As A Working Country And It’s Hilarious As Hell

    Imagine Nigeria functioning like other countries: no traffic, free education, free medical care, a decent economy, stable electricity. The fact that we had to invent these scenarios should tell you about the nightmare we’re living in, but let’s pretend everything is okay for a second and laugh at this compilation of truly hilarious tweets because humour is the only way we can cope.

    1. The tweet that started it all

    But, aren’t we already a menace as it is? 

    2. Why did we even do this? 

    3. And they must pronounce Nigerian names properly too.

    4. They should also list all the songs from that album.

    5. One hour of legwork is mandatory. 

    6. Because there is only one right answer. 

    7. Omo! Nawa.

    8. Just following in their footsteps innit? 

    9. Screaming!

    10. At least they will receive a small allowance.

    11. Do we not do this?  

    12. Please, abeg. 

    13. If you ask for water, just forget about it. 

    [newsletter]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • When Did You Have Your First Crush? 9 Nigerians Tell Zikoko

    When Did You Have Your First Crush? 9 Nigerians Tell Zikoko

    Crushes, we’ve all had them. But how early did you have your first crush? 12? 5? These 9 Nigerians had some stories to tell.

    1. Evelyn, 22

    I was seven and they were my cousins —  I’m not sure we were actually related though. I met them on one of our family trips to my big mummy’s house. The girl was about my age and the boy was a year older than me. I wasn’t the type to share my stuff as a kid, but I actually went out of my way to let them take my toys and chocolates in the name of crush. I ended up kissing them both and they haven’t spoken to me since they found out. Monogamy is definitely not my thing.

    2. Amaka, 21

    My first crush happened when I was four. He was my neighbour and we lived in the same compound. My first female crush wasn’t till I was six or seven. She was pretty, smart and super friendly, but I didn’t even realise I liked her as more than a friend till I was 19 — around the time I accepted I liked girls.

    3. Irene, 25

    All my crushes were girls, but the first one I remember was my neighbour’s niece. I was six or seven at the time and she was such a sweet babe to be with. I remember her having such a pretty face; her eyes were so beautiful to look at and her lashes were thick and long. Her natural lips always looked like she had on red lipstick and a black liner along the edges. Gosh! She was almost too perfect. Sadly, she was into my brother. But that didn’t stop me from spending as much time as I could with her.

    4. Brenda, 20

    I was seven and had a crush on a boy and a girl. The girl was the fictional character called Shego in Kim Impossible. She looked like she could kill me, but with my weird interest in serial killers, I loved it. I was very into her feisty and cool vibe as a villain; I still like my women, dangerous and sexy. It was super attractive to me as a kid. The guy I was crushing on usually told me I had a big butt — and he wasn’t lying, so maybe that’s why I had a thing for him.

    5. Abel, 22

    We were both nine and in Primary 4. I used to turn around to get a glimpse of her every time she walked into the classroom. I can still picture those cute geeky glasses she always had on and I remember her always sitting behind me at every Yoruba class — we never understood a word of it. All we did was play and help each other during tests. Omo… she was whatever a nine-year-old version of a bad bitch was supposed to be: the leader of a clique, the finest water bottle and all back that always burst my head. Now, I just watch her snaps and she’s still a bad bitch at 23.

    6. Linda, 25

    I was 14 or 15 and I was seriously crushing on this cute cool guy all the babes liked. He was a scholar that played basketball and did taekwondo — why won’t I crush on an efiko with muscles, please. I went to meet him to tutor me in Chemistry and Physics, but he didn’t understand that I wanted to be taught other things. Anyway, he got a scholarship to study abroad the next term and that was the end of my crush.

    7. Femi, 24

    I was five and the top dog in my class before two babes came from nowhere to displace me from my first position title in primary two. They became my rivals, but I was crushing hard on them. One of them lived close to me, so we got closer on the bus rides to school together. That’s how I started falling deep into the crush for this babe and went all the way to fifth position by the second term.

    8. Liz, 24

    As soon as I could spell Jet Li, I knew I was in love. After seeing him in Evil Cult (1993), I was convinced no one else could be my husband — I respectfully reject that now though. I eventually moved on to Bruce Campbell of the ’90s and then Jean Claude and Sylvester Stallone.

    9. Rita, 23

    I had my first crush when I was nine. He was tall, dark and fine, so every girl wanted to have him back then. There was even this one girl that used to buy him food during lunch break and copy his notes. I wrote him a love letter but my father found it and showed up at my school the next day. I was expecting the Jehovah witness in my dad to jump out, but luckily, there were no slaps involved. Eleven years later, my crush and I connected on Facebook and he wanted to go out on a date, but I had moved on from the crush already.

    Ortega

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  • The Best Christmas Gifts These 9 Nigerians Have Ever Received

    The Best Christmas Gifts These 9 Nigerians Have Ever Received

    From thoughtful treasures to life-changing gestures, extraordinary ordinary objects and expensive purchases, our friends and readers look back on the most unforgettable Christmas gifts they’ve ever received.

    Gift red box on christmas background | 🇩🇪Professional Phot… | Flickr

    Ose, 31*

    This Christmas, I got a pair of brown leather shoes from my girlfriend. I’d needed to buy a pair of shoes, so I sent pictures of some shoes for her to help me choose. She persuaded me not to buy it as I already have a lot of shoes. Three days later, someone called me and said he was asked to deliver something to me. No prizes for guessing that the package included the shoes my babe had persuaded me not to. They came in a box labelled “Christmas Gift.” I cried like a baby. I received my first ever proper Christmas gift at 31! For context, I didn’t always count the clothes my parents used to buy for me as a child because those felt like an obligation. I know better now sha, as it wasn’t easy back then. But I’d never experienced getting something wrapped in a box and given to me as a Christmas gift. 

    Ikechukwu, 83*

    My wife died five years ago. Before she died, she gave me a bunch of notes-to-self she had written during the most tumultuous parts of our lives. I’d been a primary school teacher while she had little education. It’s almost as if she knew that she was going to depart from this earth soon; that’s why she wrote them. Her notes are love letters to me which I will cherish till my last breath. I had known her for almost all my life, and reading these letters reached into parts of myself that I never knew existed. I will die a happy man.

    Esther, 23*

    I’m always cold, so when I received a spa voucher and a blanket made of soft yarn with a note wrapped in it, I melted. It’s the most thoughtful gift. First, this person dropped the voucher on WhatsApp very early in the morning. I came online and was like, “Wawu!” The next day, they sent a dispatch rider to deliver the blanket and the note.

    Chiamaka, 28*

    This year, an ex gave me a vibrator dildo. We had a meeting, and he gave it to me. It was cute because he reminded me of how I used to talk about wanting one. It’s the best gift ever because, since gold, frankincense and myrrh didn’t reach my side, I’ll be using this one to hold my body.

    Okon, 26*

    In secondary school, my mum got me a bike. Technically, she bought it because I’d passed maths for the first time since forever. However, she waited until December 24th to hand it to me so it could double as a present for passing maths and for Christmas. I saw it hang in the parlour since the end of November and yearned it so much that I legit cried when she presented it to me on Christmas Day!

    Sira, 36*

    In 2015, I was dating this dude who was broke af. He wrote me a letter — a personal and soulful piece. I’m now married with two kids and nothing tops that till date.

    Kobi, 26*

    Two gifts come to mind; I received a cologne and tailored-fit pants last year and a complete barbing kit this year. The barbing kit came in just when I needed it. As for the cologne, I later found out that it’s very expensive. These Christmas gifts mean a lot to me because the givers — who are my colleagues — put a lot of thought into it and somehow knew exactly what I wanted.

    Mirabel, 22*

    My most cherished gift came to me this year. I hadn’t seen my family for over five years. They came to spend the holidays with me this season and it’s been the best thing ever. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself when they leave.

    Malachy, 43*

    My grandmother gave me a recipe book the Christmas before she died. It means a lot to me because African mothers — talk more of grandmothers — don’t keep cookbooks or write recipes, especially not someone of her age. Apart from being such a Western thing, she could not read nor write. She knew I loved to cook, so while others were feasting in the spirit of the season, she called me aside, and for the next few nights, she described her recipes and narrated how her cooking evolved through the years. She always had remarkable stories to spice things up. She has long passed away, and I no longer cook as much as I used to, but I try her recipes once in a while to relive the memory.

    Ama Udofa

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  • 5 Suffer-head Couples Nollywood Tried to Market as Cute

    5 Suffer-head Couples Nollywood Tried to Market as Cute

    Nollywood has taught us to believe in the power of love. While most of the stories we’ve seen have convinced us that love conquers all, something about the couples on this list isn’t gelling like it should. Although they’ve been marketed as cute couples, we just can’t help but think they’re either annoying or deeply problematic.  

    1. Telema and Soji from Tinsel 

    Back when Tinsel was still the hottest thing on the streets, this couple had Nigerians in a chokehold with all of us fasting and praying for them to end up happy. Looking back at the show, everything was super chaotic and they should’ve broken up from the start. Not only did Telema (Damilola Adegibite) sleep with Soji’s (Gbenro Ajibade) nemesis after they both agreed to wait till their wedding night, she decided to tell him on their wedding day. Then again, Soji was always doing too much as the overprotective boyfriend, so we guess they were both moving mad. 

    2. Dejare and Anjola from La Femme Anjola 

    We’ve seen this story before; a young fresh-looking boy (Nonso Bassey) falls for a seductive older woman (Rita Dominic) who just happens to be his boss’ wife. This sounds like a typical day under the Lagos sun if you ask us. While their forbidden relationship looks cute from the start—he wants to save her from her unhappy life, shit gets very real faster than you can spell adultery. Guns and murder join the conversation which just makes us wonder; wouldn’t it have been better if these two just minded their business? 

    3. Nchekube and Mr. Okonkwo from Two Together

    We can’t believe this film was marketed as a romantic drama back in the day. For context, the teacher (Emeka Ike) flogs a secondary school student (Genevieve Nnaji) to the point of blinding her. Instead of facing the law or something, her parents force him to marry her and during their time in this forced union, they fall in love and she regains her sight. Major cringe. The entire plot is problematic as hell and we can’t believe there was a time this film was described as cute. Ewww. 

    4. Didi and Raj from Namaste Wahala

    While we’ve already reviewed this film here, we still can’t get over how uninteresting the love story between its leads is. Honestly, they should’ve just listened to their parents and broken up because why did they have to put us through that discount Kuch Kuch Huta Hai dance montage? Outside of the aesthetic of a Bollywood and Nollywood crossover, Didi (Ini Dinma-Okojie) and Raj (Ruslaan Mumtaz) gave us nothing at all. Although they weren’t toxic, watching this couple was like watching paint dry. Exhausting. 

    5. Nnamdi and Kelly from Living in Bondage: Breaking Free

    You know things won’t go well for a couple when the name of the film is Living in Bondage. It’s just common sense. Tapping into the occultic nature of old Nollywood, this film tells the story of Nnamdi (Swanky JKA) a young hustling Nigerian who’s ready to risk it all for a good time and truckload of hard cash. After eating most of the money the cult gives him, he refuses to bring the head of his hot girlfriend Kelly (Munachi Abi). This doesn’t sit right with his red cape-wearing cult group and everyone just chooses violence. The weird part, despite realising that her man almost used her head for asun, Kelly decides to stay with him. Girl, is everything okay at home? It’s time to break free, sis.

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

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  • 8 Times Our Fave Nollywood Stars Turned into Video Vixens

    8 Times Our Fave Nollywood Stars Turned into Video Vixens

    Crossing over from one part of Nigeria’s entertainment industry can be a major hit or miss. Last time, we successfully listed out musicians whose acting didn’t make us cringe to death. Revisiting this dynamic yet again, we’ve decided to shift focus to the actors who took their drama from film sets to some of our favorite music videos. 

    1. Funke Akindele in Wizkid’s Pakurumo 

    Back when the “kid” part of Wizkid was still valid, he dropped the video to one of the best songs off his debut album, Superstar. Featuring an ensemble cast that included Lynxx, Banky W in disguise, Mo’Cheddah and Skales, the video’s standout ended up being the one and only Funke Akindele aka Jenifa. It felt only right, considering her name is the first on the roll call when Wiz starts singing. 

    2. Adesua Etomi in everything Banky W 

    Nigeria’s celebrity “it” couple has conquered everything from the box office to the charts. When they’re not acting opposite each other, they’re singing and dancing in videos to remind us that they’re in love, and the rest of us single folks are in the ghetteaux. 

    3. Tonto Dikeh in Mama G’s National Moi Moi

    Before she became a big name in Nollywood or the actress responsible for one of the worst actors to musician transitions, Tonto Dikeh was one of the backup dancers in Mama G’s National Moi Moi video. 

    4. Alexx Ekubo in Yemi Alade’s Johnny 

    The type of breakfast Johnny gave Yemi Alade is one for the books. Playing her and getting someone else pregnant? What a wow. Starring Alexx Ekubo in the titular role, this was the song that turned Yemi Alade into a bonafide superstar 

    5. Beverly Osu in Ice Prince’s Oleku 

    When this song dropped in 2010, we all thought we’d never hear anything better. This was it, the apex of good Nigerian music. Now, over ten years later, Oleku still gets the club super hyped. Fun fact, if you watch the video closely, you might spot a familiar face in a short blue dress. Yes, you guessed it, that’s pre-fame Beverly Osu. 

    6. Nkem Owoh in Timaya’s Money 

    If there’s one thing Nollywood has taught us, it is that one day, you’ll be uplifted from poverty and all your haters will scream “had I known”. So it only makes sense that when Timaya decided to adopt this fake theory in his music video for his 2016 video for Money, he called on one of the most iconic Nollywood stars, Nkem Owoh. 

    7. Yvonne Jegede in Djinee’s Ego 

    Once upon a time, this was the heartbreak song that had Nigerians by the neck. Djinee was serving R&B realness down to the white singlet. Starring a young Yvonne Jegede, now that we’ve watched the video again, we can totally understand why Ego walked away. Just take a look at the décor in his apartment. Ewww. Definitely cause for breaking up abeg. 

    8. Bryan Okwara in Waje and Tiwa Savage’s Onye 

    Proving once again that men are detty liars and they cannot be trusted, the video for Waje and Tiwa Savage’s collaboration shows the two women trying to outdo each other in the “pick me” race for Bryan Okwara’s heart. Tiwa goes as far as pounding yam for him. For a man? Wow. The Kemi Adetiba-directed video ends with Bryan leaving both women for sugar mummy Omawunmi and her jeep. Tragic 

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

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  • We Ranked the Ways Nigerians Introduce Themselves (from Bad to Worst)

    We Ranked the Ways Nigerians Introduce Themselves (from Bad to Worst)

    Nigerians do the most when it comes to announcing their presence. If you’re wondering what some of the ways this plays out are, read on.

    We’ve identified and ranked them from the bad to the very worst.

    How do Nigerians introduce themselves?

    5. They don’t

    A lack of proper introduction from a Nigerian is an introduction in itself. Strange number texted you on WhatsApp? It’s either one of these scenarios – they got your number from some friend who they won’t name, tell you not to worry about getting a proper introduction, or just send a lone “Hi.”Then all you’ll hear is crickets after asking how they got your number. Nawa.

    4. “It’s me”

    If a Nigerian knocks on your door and you ask, “Who’s there?” don’t expect a proper introduction. It is them. If you can’t figure out their identity from the way the knock sounds, you have to open the door and hope that it’s not your village people catching up with you.

    3. iPhone ringtone

    Nigerian iPhone users want their devices to do the introduction. Before you speak to them, first know that they’re not your mate.

    2. “You don’t know who is speaking?”

    This type of introduction is common with phone calls where the caller’s identity is supposed to be ministered to you by the Holy Spirit. It can also be, “Ah. So you didn’t save my number?” Take note that if you confess to not saving their number, you’ll be in for it despite them being the ones introducing themselves wrongly. Wahala oh.

    1. “Do you know who I am?”

    When a Nigerian asks you this question, it is not rhetorical. You’re expected to respond in the negative. Then they’ll go on a self-aggrandising spree on how they can make your life a living hell for disrespecting them. Situations where this introduction format can be used include: ATM queues, banking halls, restaurants…basically anywhere flexing fragile egos are allowed.

    [newsletter]

    Susan Nwaobiala

    , ,

  • 7 Reasons Why Your Mother’s Prayers Aren’t Working

    7 Reasons Why Your Mother’s Prayers Aren’t Working

    Nigerians like to joke about having the protection and grace brought about by their mother’s prayers for them,  even though they’re constantly out doing things that could cancel out the prayers. If your mother prays for you but your life is still a colossal shit show, here are 7 probable reasons why her prayers aren’t working 

    1. You eat ass

    How can your mother’s prayers work for you when you’re vacuuming people’s anal cavities with your tongue? She is praying on her knees, and you’re on your knees defeating the prayers by tossing salads. Do better.

    2 . You are bad vibes

    That’s the tweet. It’s like the prayers try to find their way to you but all your bad vibes chase them away. Boya you will try to be better. 

    3 . You don’t eat semo

    Only uncultured people don’t like semo and being uncultured can hinder blessings. We’d know. We are the culture. Eat semo today so your mother’s prayers will start working. 

    4 . You fight bus conductors

    While your mother is busy praying for that promotion you so crave , you’re busy fighting with a conductor that will call her an ashawo just because you forgot to enter with your change.

    5 . You’re in the streets moving mad

    If we could do elections on the streets, you’d probably be the president. You’re serving other women’s children breakfast every two market days. How will your mother’s prayers work when Sade, Tunde and Kemi have all sworn for you in one month? 

    6. You haven’t given her grandchildren yet 

    I mean, you have just one job! Grown and independent, all the poor woman wants from you is grandbabies, but you’re still doing what I don’t know in the streets. Okay na. Y’all be easy. 

    7. You have coconut head

    There is only so much her prayers can do tbh. Your mother’s prayers are not working because while she is busy praying for your safety, you’re there skydiving in Nigeria. All the very best.  

    [newsletter]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 6 Things From Our Nigerian Childhood That Really Fell Off

    6 Things From Our Nigerian Childhood That Really Fell Off

    Don’t you just miss those nostalgic experiences from your Nigerian childhood? Now that we’re journeying through this adulting maze, some things just seem to have fallen off.

    Here are six of them.

    1. Five Naira

    Before you argue, think about this: how often do you see a five Naira note these days? This denomination is so useless now that even two of it can’t buy pure water. What a waste. .

    2. Junior WAEC result

    All the days and nights you spent studying to prove you are worthy of being promoted to Senior Secondary School in the mud. Better go and sell your Junior WAEC result to Akara sellers so that they can make their daily 30k.

    3. One thousand Naira

    Remember those rare visitors who used to dash you money during festive periods as a kid? If you were lucky to get one thousand Naira then, omo, it’d feel like you’d made it in life. Now, those glory days are over. One thousand Naira is the new ten Naira. Life tuff.

    4. Business centres

    The good old days of 20 Naira per minute when you sneak out and pay someone to use their phone to talk to your crush without worrying that your strict Nigerian parents would catch you are over. Now, they mostly sell recharge cards or offer POS services. Team Gen Z cannot relate sha.

    5. Home video rental stores

    Netflix who? These OGs saved lives back in the late 2000s; from Naruto to Avatar, and every “Jackie Chan” movie, there was always something new to rent.

    6. Street Games

    How many kids do you catch outside playing suwe, ten ten, or heavenly king these days? The games that make us nostalgic about our childhoods have almost gone extinct thanks to smart devices. But hey, tech is the future. Who are we to complain?

    [newsletter]

    Spread the nostalgia! Share this with a childhood friend of yours.

    Susan Nwaobiala

    ,

  • 10 Relatable Things That Signal The Arrival Of Christmas

    10 Relatable Things That Signal The Arrival Of Christmas

    Some people monitor their calendars ahead of Christmas, while others just go about it like it’s just another day,  even though they can’t completely ignore it. Here are some signs that signal the arrival of the sparkly lights and excess jollof rice season.

    1. Mariah Carey and Boney M rise up like Lazarus

    These two artists force their way into our lives every Christmas. For millennials and Gen Zs, it’s Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas, but for your parents and grandparents, be sure to hear a lot of Boney M starting next week. 

    2. Eko Hotel roundabout starts to look like a Christmas lights battlefield

    For Lagosians, nothing signals the arrival of Christmas like driving past Eko Hotel and seeing that they’ve turned the roundabout into Father Christmas’ guest house. The moment you see this, you know it’s time to start buying and hoarding chickens before they start adding ₦100 to everything. 

    3. Everything becomes expensive AF! 

    Someone needs to explain the logic behind this. Every year, once sellers start to smell December, they go on their WhatsApp group and decide to increase their prices. They just feel like it’s time to show us pepper. If you like, walk away, no one will call you back to give you another “last price”. 

    4. Everyone and their daddy is having a concert

    We know this all too well. Tickets are already on sale. Nothing heralds Christmas more than musical concerts. The tickets usually say 7 p.m., but real ones know that the main artist will probably be turning semo by that time, so it’s best to go at midnight when witches are having their own conference. 

    5. Christmas carols services and fundraising everywhere

    As if they are competing with the “worldly” crowd, you can count on churches to increase the number of harvests and bazaars they have on their roster. Christmas Carols will also happen nonstop from Monday to Saturday. Anytime you blink, you’ll probably see three kings offering gold, frankincense and crypto coins. 

    [newsletter]

    6. Red and green everywhere!

    From those sparkly lights that look like thorns to some of your co-workers’ outfits, be prepared to see a lot of red and green. By mid-December, we doubt you’ll remember any other primary color. 

    7. No more sequins in the market

    Christmas brings with it a strong Nigerian urge to look like a mirror ball. It’s like everyone wants to shine just in case there’s a power outage. Buy your sequins now before it’s too late. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. 

    8. IJGBs are littered around like red sand in Benin

    Get ready for a lot of “innits” and “back in the states”, as Christmas is the only time our brothers and sisters in the diaspora decide to visit and flex on us (it’s not easy living in a country that actually works!). After months of trying their hands at Nigerian dance moves and making “My African parent” videos for TikTok, they finally come back for premium rocks and fornication. Want to blend in? Start practising your British-Amerigbor accent now. 

    9. You start spending money you don’t have

    The Christmas season is when your mouth will convince you that your taste palette has changed, and it’s time to start eating like crazy because it’s detty december.  We’ll advise you to think again. The trumpet won’t blow in December, and don’t forget rent is due at the end of January. A word is enough for the wise.

    10. Flight tickets become more expensive than drugs 

    Similar to market prices, you can bet that the price of your average flight will double. If you still haven’t bought your ticket by now, omo, to Jesus be your glory o!  

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

    , , ,

  • 8 Things People Say When They’ve Lost An Argument

    8 Things People Say When They’ve Lost An Argument

    Not everyone is great at conceding when they’ve lost an argument. If anyone says these eight things to you during an argument, just end it because you’ve won, but at what cost? 

    1. “We’re cool.”

    What they mean to say is that they will never forgive you in ten years. If you just finished arguing with someone, why would you ask them if you guys are still cool? What if they say no and beat you up? If anyone tells you this after they’ve lost an argument, they’re detty liars.  

    2. “Whatever”

    Simply means “e pain me die.” When someone says this, that’s when you know that you won the argument, because who says, “Whatever” like that if they’re not pained? 

    3. “Let’s agree to disagree” 

    This means that they think they are right but they don’t feel like arguing. Except, sometimes, they’re not even right, but it’s okay to help people salvage what’s left of their dignity I guess. 

    4. “Let’s dead the issue”

    This means that they can see that they are wrong but please let’s end it there abeg! If you are pro-peace, you can be a better person, but if not, and usually not, you can keep arguing until they admit that they were wrong. 

    5. “Okay, and?”

    This means they are close to tears and the next thing that comes out of your mouth will set them off. It’s times like this that you should choose peace sha, except you’re an evil spirit.   

    6 “I’m not raising my voice!”

    They usually say this while raising their voice, and it means that they are frustrated and can’t hear themselves. The best thing to do is to let them calm down. Sometimes, if they refuse to stop shouting, you too shout back, life is not that hard. 

    7. “That’s grammatically incorrect”

    The moment someone starts correcting your pronunciation or grammar during an argument, they are either an English student, an editor, or they know they’ve lost the argument. Smh! 

    8. “You’re right”

    This should mean that they are grown and can admit when they are wrong but according to the official Zikoko statistics, 99 per cent of the time, people say, ‘You’re right,” just so you’ll shut up. Nigerian men can relate, they pretty much invented it. 

    [newsletter]

    Malakai Bassey

    , , ,

  • 7 Times Nigerians Move In Silence

    7 Times Nigerians Move In Silence

    For people that are mostly loud, it’s surprising that there are certain situations when Nigerians prefer to move in silence. Nigerians won’t share the good news with others until it’s stale.  If someone is getting a new house, they won’t mention it until they have lived in it for a year. Here are seven times Nigerians move in silence.

    1. When they want to travel abroad

    If there is one thing that will make Nigerians move in silence, it is when they are about to travel abroad. Nigerians don’t tell anyone about their travel plans; they just wake one day and post pictures in winter coats with the caption “Goodbye Nigeria, the evil you have done is enough. “ To be honest, we stan. 

    2. When they get pregnant

    Nigerians announce pregnancies three months into the pregnancy, or after the baby or babies have been born. The argument is that they are trying to make sure that their village people don’t see the baby and kill it. 

    3. When they build a new house

    No Nigerian will tell you when they are building their house except if they want to ask you for help. They won’t even tell you when they’ve bought the land — they just go to their various religious houses and give testimonies about their new house and invite people to eat rice. 

    4. When they are writing exams

    Nigerians only tell family members that they are writing exams, so they can beg them for money. Plus the moment people know you’re writing exams, they’d want to know the outcome, and it usually ends in tears. 

    5. When they are about to graduate

    Nigerian mums will make sure you don’t tell anyone what level you are in school or when you are about to graduate. They can’t let principalities and powers come into play and make you carry over all your courses until you are forced to drop out. 

    6. When they apply for their dream job 

    Nigerians move in silence when they apply for jobs because if you post it on social media, someone could cancel the interview on your behalf or even apply with a stronger CV. Nigerians have a first-class degree in moving mad.

    7. When they go to visit Babalawo 

    It makes sense that they won’t tell anyone about this so that they don’t get judged.  They just tell you that they believe in jazz, it works and that they’ve seen people in their village go to visit a Babalawo. You’d be silent too if you were tying somebody’s destiny inside a  bottle.

    [newsletter]

    Malakai Bassey

    , , ,

  • 9 Affirmations Every Nigerian Should Chant Before Leaving Home Every Day

    9 Affirmations Every Nigerian Should Chant Before Leaving Home Every Day

    As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, there are days you’ll need a little help so you don’t lose your mind. The nine affirmations below do not guarantee that Nigeria and its citizens won’t do their best to break you. It means that while you’re surrounded by chaos, you’ll at least be trying to manifest a better attitude. 

    1. “I will not curse anybody’s mother today.” 

    Everybody in Nigeria is frustrated. As soon as you step out, someone will definitely annoy you. It’s up to you to be the bigger person and leave their mothers out of the insults they deserve. Chanting this affirmation before stepping outside will help you choose peace every day. 

    2. “Glucose guardian, locate me. And when you do, don’t use me for ritual.” 

    This is a very valid affirmation because it’s one thing to find a glucose guardian and another thing to find one that isn’t into trading people’s destiny for wealth. Then again, what are you currently using your destiny for?? It might be time to cash it in for an all-expense-paid trip to Seychelles. Destiny is nice, but memories are forever. 

    3. “I did not kill my mother so Nigeria will not kill me.”

    On any given day, there are so many ways Nigeria can kill you. Nigeria’s algorithm can’t be rigged because it doesn’t even work in the first place. You could have a run-in with an okada driver that has a death wish, the roads could give in, the government could import cheap but harmful foods that make your organs shrivel e.t.c. This affirmation is compulsory, not necessary. 

    4. “Disrespect is reciprocal.” 

    If respect is reciprocal, it’s only fair that disrespect should have the same quality. No one should be burdened with choosing peace every day. If someone moves mad for no reason, move madder. You’ll feel better. Trust us.

    5. “Credit alert locate me. Debit alert avoid me.” 

    It’s now a running joke that if you breathe in Nigeria, N1k will leave your account. This affirmation helps you manifest more credit alerts than debits. As your crying and praying haven’t worked, there’s no harm in trying something different.

    6. “If my boss tries to cost me my heavenly race, we will meet in hell.” 

    Sometimes choose violence. Just because we called them affirmations doesn’t mean they must be nice. If your boss decides to make life difficult for you, while you’re slaving to capitalism and making a salary that barely pays rent, nobody will blame you for choosing violence. Good luck keeping your job, though. 

    7. ‘Naira, rise!..”

    The goal of this affirmation is to manifest a Nigeria that is human friendly. If the naira increases, the cost of living will reduce and people are less likely to randomly slap you on the road for no reason. Imagine a Nigeria with happy people. 

    8. “I am love and I am light. Me and conductors will not fight.” 

    There are principalities and powers, and then there are conductors. These guys bring out the worst in everybody. If you have to enter public transport often, chant this under your breath while they do their best to frustrate you. The worst that can happen is that it works and one less person will insult your mother unprovoked.  

    9. “This country is not my home. Abroad is the goal.” 

    You need to say this as you go about your daily life. Say it as you’re in a Keke napep with no roof. Say it as you buy sardine for N700, say it as you stand in a long queue by 7 a.m. in front of a government office you need something from. It won’t take you out of the situation, but it’ll make the situation suck a little bit less.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

    , , ,

  • 12 Situations That Prove Nigerians Have Mastered The Art Of Resilience

    12 Situations That Prove Nigerians Have Mastered The Art Of Resilience

    Resilience as a lifestyle is an art not meant for the weak. Which is why these twelve situations prove that Nigerians, besides being the most populous black nation, have mastered the art of striving against odds.

    Put some respeck on the name, will you?

    1. Climbing a tree with your device hanging perilously, because that’s the only way to get a network signal.

    Or breaking your limbs in the process.

    2. Rushing out of the house by 5 a.m. to beat morning traffic…

    …and rushing out of the office by 5 p.m. to beat equally dreadful evening traffic. Multiply that by 365 days.

    3. Trekking to and from third mainland bridge daily.

    Have you seen how long that bridge is? Even fitfam no do reach like this. Next thing you know, your shoe has developed a mouth wide enough to swallow a newborn baby.

    4. Catching danfos instead of flights for character development.

    Why spend money on courses when the danfo experience will teach you more about character development? Choose Danfo today.

    5. And then sitting pretty like canned sardines inside the Danfo.

    You think Fela was dreaming when he sang “Shuffering and shmiling“?

    6. Putting clothes under the mattress overnight to straighten out by morning.

    You learn this after NEPA moves mad a hundred times. Then you realise that your iron is purely for aesthetic purposes.

    7. Sleeping soundly even with the deafening noise from your neighbours’ generators.

    In fact, if the gen isn’t on, it becomes impossible to have a good night’s rest. Talk about Stockholm syndrome.

    8. Four people sitting in a one-man driver space inside keke.

    You can say you won’t enter oh, if you feel like trekking is your portion in life.

    9. Walking under blistering sun without covering your head or eyes

    After all, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. So, why use shades, sunscreen or a sun hat? Waste of money.

    10. Entering public transport and finding out your fellow passenger is a goat.

    A typical, resilient Nigerian would not freak out. Didn’t animals and humans coexist peacefully in the times of old? Add birds and cows to the passenger list jare!

    11. Chasing after a moving vehicle only for the driver to zoom off as you’re about to secure a seat

    Even Dwayne Johnson would scratch his head!

    12. “Scrimmming” and “LOLing” on Twitter even when the government is after your life.

    You cannot come and kill yourself by yourself nau.

    QUIZ: How Much Resilience Do You Have In You?

    Susan Nwaobiala

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  • 10 Things That Prove That Nigeria Is Not a Real Place

    10 Things That Prove That Nigeria Is Not a Real Place

    There are two types of places: the good place and the bad place. Then there’s Nigeria. Every Nigerian living in Nigeria knows we are living in an extremely glitched simulation. Nigeria is an error in design, and the people living here know. 

    Here’s proof that Nigeria is indeed not a real place. 

    1. The president is a bad boy. 

    Yes, you read us right. The Nigerian president is a bad boy and he is very proud of it. Anytime you think you’ve seen his worst, he goes on to outdo himself. From banning social media to making his citizens afraid. Bubu, best in bad boy. 

    2. They can steal your private part in public.

    Your private part can either get stolen or switched in private. All it takes is one touch and your private part has been stolen by an unexplainable entity. Penises are the most common stolen private parts in public. 

    3. Politicians travel abroad to use Twitter.

    Again, you read that right. Nigeria is so fake that Twitter doesn’t even work here. Nigerian politicians have to cross the seven7 seas to use Twitter. We are hoping one day Nigeria gets real enough to finally have access to Twitter. 

    4. Police officers or a civilian can jump on the bonnet of your moving vehicle.  

    Tems sang “crazy things are happening” and every new day, there is something new to prove her right. Civilians and policemen are courageous enough to jump on the bonnet of moving vehicles as a way to make a point. 

    5. They sell Zobo and roasted corn inside some government offices.

    We aren’t saying civil servants shouldn’t eat, but the civil servants have switched from their official employment to selling roasted corn and zobo. Anyway, we get it; only a fully fed person can work. 

    6. Overhead bridges are for decoration.

    We get that the country is not real, but are the people also fake and hungry to die like they are in some sort of game? A lot of Nigerians living in Nigeria see pedestrian bridges as mere decoration and choose not to use them. 

    7. Homophobia is normal in Nigeria. 

    Real countries are fighting against homophobia and Nigeria on the other hand is basking in it. 

    8. Owning an iPhone can get you in trouble.

    Owning an iPhone in Nigeria can into trouble. Maybe the country is anti-technology, we don’t know, but simply walking around with an iPhone can make certain people (read as SARS) get upset and land you in trouble with the police. 

    9. Tattoos and dreadlocks can get you in jail.

    Being a beautiful person with tattoos, piercings and dreadlocks can get you thrown in jail. Certain people (again, read as SARS) are anti-beauty and they’ll profile you and harm you for simply being beautiful and expressive. 

    10. Offering a stranger stuff with your left hand can get you slapped.

    Respect culture is so deeply ingrained in Nigeria for a group of people who are in fact, very rude and it all points back to the whole country being fake.

    Ibukun

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  • QUIZ: Only OG Nigerians Can Identify These Products From Their Brand Names

    QUIZ: Only OG Nigerians Can Identify These Products From Their Brand Names

    Do you think you could recognize these products from just their brand names? Take the quiz:

    Miriam Onyemenam

    ,
    , , , ,

  • QUIZ: Do You Know What 9/11 Of These Nigerians Do For A Living?

    QUIZ: Do You Know What 9/11 Of These Nigerians Do For A Living?

    Do you know what these Nigerians do for a living?

    Let’s find out:

    Tuntamilore

    , ,
    ,

  • 7 Situations That Make Nigerians Extra Religious

    7 Situations That Make Nigerians Extra Religious

    There’s no one as religious as Nigerians. But throw them into these 8 situations and watch them turn extra-religious in a fit of panic.

    1. Pregnancy scares

    You might have never seen your friend pray but the day they realise that their period might’ve gone to war and won’t return for 9 months, you will hear all the different names of God in the bible and their local dialect. Why? Because a Nigerian’s first course of action when a problem comes along is to panic in fits of prayers then find a solution after.

    2. Having to trust another Nigerian

    If you’ve ever gone jet skiing or canopy walking the Lekki Conservation Centre, one thing you’ll hear from most people is that they’re not scared of a bridge that’s several feet close to heaven but terrified of having to put their lives in the hands of another Nigerian. Cue the hot prayer sessions.

    3. Exams

    When a Nigerian is not prepared for an exam, you’ll know. They’ll be trying to get some last-minute cramming and in the same breath, begging God to give them a retentive memory. Because God is obviously a magician that will transport information they never read into their brains.

    4. When you’re in another state and your mum calls

    Whether you are 16 or 45, if your mum calls while you’re out having fun, just know that your day is most likely about to be ruined. Especially when you told her that you were going to the mall close by but caught a flight to Abuja instead. A lowkey valid reason to become extra-religious.

    5. When they try edibles

    It doesn’t matter if it’s their first or twentieth time, they will still react the same way. If you’re going to ask God to come and save you every time you do recreational drugs, maybe stop doing recreational drugs? Just a thought sha.

    6. When they get on planes

    There will always be people who spend entire plane rides praying for their lives. And rightfully so, because the last time people got close to God, he created languages and caused mass confusion.

    7. When they forget to do house chores

    If you’ve never been in that situation where your mum tells you to cook before she gets back and you forget until she walks in the door, how does it feel to be God’s favourite? In a time like this, praying to whatever deity you believe in is appropriate because you just might be going to meet them soon.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 7 Sexual Practices Nigerians Should Never Indulge In

    7 Sexual Practices Nigerians Should Never Indulge In

    If you are Nigerian, then you will understand what we mean when we say some things are just not for us. Some of these things are sexual practices that are just not aligned with our Nigerian-ness. Here is a list of some of them:

    1. Toe sucking

    You are a Nigerian and you want to suck your partner’s toes? Are you not afraid of the miles they have travelled? Are you not scared of how tough the soles of their feet will be? Imagine sucking the toes of someone from Igando or Ikorodu. God abeg.

    2. Eating a man’s ass.

    So you became so horny that you decided, out of plain fornication and the romantic gesture of bumping genitals, that you want to eat bumbum. And I’m not mad at it. I admire the courage. But then it’s not just any ass, it is the one owned by a Nigerian man you want to chook your mouth in and eat? Do you have a death wish? Is that how you have chosen to go?

    9 Reasons Why Nigerian Men Must Never Wash Their Bum-Bum

    3. Bondage.

    7 Nigerians Talk About Times They Experienced Miracles | Zikoko!

    The Nigerian in me would never do this. The moment I hear, “Let me put you in bondage,” my Christianity will resurrect and I’ll start speaking in tongues and shouting, “I shall not be put in bondage. My destiny shall never experience bondage. Everything that belongs to me shall never be bound. Rikabasunbatatatata.”

    4. Fisting.

    If you don’t know what this is, Google it. But here’s a simpler way to put it: imagine someone putting their entire hand inside your honeypot, their entire hand oh, and not their weapon of love. Imagine them bending you over and putting that complete hand, from palm to wrist to elbow, inside you. Just imagine. JUST. IMAGINE.

    5. Public sex.

    Many people are doing this, sha. But one day will be one day when you will be caught and we will do GoFundMe to bail you out. Imagine your pastor coming to bail you out and they ask you what you were arrested for: “Collecting hot fok in public.”

    6. Pissing.

    69 Drawing Of Pissing Man Illustrations & Clip Art - iStock

    Somebody’s child that you are, you will kneel down and open your mouth or spread yourself like moi-moi leaf, only for someone to remove their weapon of love and expel hot urine all over you. Hot yellow urine, in this Nigeria where everything is hot.

    7. Scat.

    7 Things You Should Be Warned About Before You Travel Abroad | Zikoko!

    Here’s how Google defines it:

    “In sexual fetishism, scatology (usually abbreviated scat) refers to coprophilia, when a person is sexually aroused by fecal matter, whether in the use of feces in various sexual acts, watching someone defecating, or simply seeing the feces. Entire subcultures in sexuality are devoted to this fetish.”

    Is this what you want to indulge in? Be honest and answer yourself.

    But we are not judging sha. Do what you want and have fun. Just stay safe.

    [donation]

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 11 Things That Can Kill You Before Your Time

    11 Things That Can Kill You Before Your Time

    Nobody knows for sure when anyone will cease to breathe in this world, but then, certain factors can hasten the process if care is not taken.

    So, if you don’t want to die before your time, avoid these 11 things, especially number 10.

    1. Googling your symptoms

    If you Google your symptoms EVERY TIME you feel sick, then there’s nothing more to say to you except this: a doctor is your friend, not Google.

    2. Living in Lagos

    Living in Lagos is such an extreme sport that even the strong are slowly dying. It is a breeding ground for self annihilation, and if you decide to live there, it’s at your own risk.

    3. Sapa

    There’s a certain level of “broke” you’ll be that even checking your account balance can give you an instant cardiac arrest. Nice one, sapa.

    4. Eating like a thief

    Especially if you eat between 12 a.m and 4 a.m. then I’m sorry, but your last days might be near.

    5. Drinking panadol for other people’s headache

    To avoid this, apply the almighty formula: drink water and mind the business that’s yours.

    6. Bad belle

    When you don’t have joy in your life for yourself, talk more of other people, how do you want to live long, ehn? Repent.

    7. Your internet connection

    You know that urge you get to hit your head on the wall each time the network moves mad just as you’re about to do something productive with your life? That is frustration at work. A very deadly by-product of being Nigerian.

    8. Being a Nigerian

    The Nigerian government has shown time and time again that it’s on a mission to snuff the life out of its citizens. And until you fall down and die, they’ll never rest. Japa what? Loading…

    9. Tightening things to your chest

    Small thing, smoke starts erupting from your ears. Hian! Be calming down for your life’s sake.

    10. Your neighbor’s gen

    If you don’t die from the fumes, then beware, you might lose your sense of hearing before you turn sixty. Better do something about your neighbor’s gen, quick.

    See

    11. Nigerian federal universities

    It’s either you kill the federal university or it kills you, because either way you’re not getting out with your spirit, soul or body intact.

    Susan Nwaobiala

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  • 13 Things You Should Not Drag With Nigerians If You Like Yourself

    Ask around, Nigerians are best in coming first. So, before you drag something with us, make sure it’s not one of the things on this list. That is, if you like yourself.

    1. Food

    Bring any food combination, Nigerians are up to the task. They can perceive what you’re cooking from ten miles away and instinctively show up at your house to “greet you”. And the Jollof rice? Exquisite.

    2. Staring

    Nigerians don’t just stare, they stare till you lock eyes with them, and wait for you to do your worst.

    3. Trekking

    Many Nigerians know every nook and cranny of places you don’t expect them to. Call them Trekkers, the brand, a.k.a waka-waka.

    4. Hypocrisy

    Never underestimate the power of a Nigerian to point a finger at you while five point back at them. Las las, everybody is a hypocrite.

    5. Amebo

    They always hear something from a friend of a friend, but don’t say you heard it from them oh.

    6. Parties

    Is your party even turnt if Nigerians are not there to shake the place up? Capital NO.

    7. Their country

    As much as Nigerians talk about “japa-ing” the minute you try to drag their country in the mud, they’ll come for you full force. So, watch your mouth.

    8. Resilience

    The word itself has Nigeria spelt all over it. Nobody has time for giving up here.

    9. Wickedness

    Just pray you don’t date a wicked Nigerian woman or man. You’ll never remain the same.

    10. Talent

    What a Nigerian cannot do does not exist. Name it, we’ll wait. If you think it’s easy, do it.

    11. Road

    Nigerians and roads are five and six. If you still decide to drag road with one, atleast, arm yourself with these things.

    12. Lagos men

    If you want to find a man, go to other states, honey. Nigerian women are not ready to leave Lagos men for you without a fight.

    13. This slippers

    If not for Nigerians, the manufacturers would have run out of business. Put some respeck on the name.

    Susan Nwaobiala

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  • 6 Nigerians Talk About Being Chased By Animals And Why They Hate Them

    6 Nigerians Talk About Being Chased By Animals And Why They Hate Them

    It’s normal to hear Nigerians talk about how they hate certain animals because of bad experiences they had with them. We asked six Nigerians what it’s like being chased by an animal and what their relationship with that animal is like now.

    Chineye, 20

    Mine happened in JSS2 on my way home with some friends. While walking, the conversation was so fun, we decided to take a longer route home. Everything was fine until we saw a boy running towards us. We turned around and saw this big hen pursuing him and started running ourselves. My friends ran in different directions, but I somehow wound up running in the same direction as the boy. We ended up on top of someone’s car, and that’s when I noticed that the stupid boy had stolen two chicks. The hen started flying and pecking at us, lord knows I saw my life flash before my eyes. I didn’t touch or eat chicken till 2019 because my mum started selling them, and we had to kill them ourselves.

    Obioha, 24

    One of my worst experiences with dogs had to be on my first day of school in JSS1. My parents decided that I could get to a new school on my own and I got lost. I eventually found my way to school, but I was late and got flogged. When school ended, I decided to follow some of my classmates that had mentioned that they lived close to my house. They made me trek but I didn’t mind because I figured that this time I wouldn’t get lost, and I could save my money. I wish I had just entered a bus that day. Sha, we got close to a football field and saw people running towards us and into people’s houses. My mum had told me not to follow the crowd when things like that happened, so I kept walking. It’s still the stupidest decision I have ever made in my life. The dogs I saw that day were tall and big rottweilers. These dogs chased me around, and they were fast. I ran in the wrong direction and ended up hitting my head on a tree and fainting. When I woke up people had gathered around me. All I remember was that my friends took me home, and I was quiet the whole day. Till today, I hate dogs and I don’t visit people that have dogs.

    Simi, 25

    My neighbour’s son had 6 dogs of different breeds. He’d take them on walks, and the whole estate preferred to stay in while he did that. That unfaithful day, I was outside when he took them for their walk. This boy was my older brother’s friend, he was in his twenties, and I was 16. He’d been disturbing me, asking me to go out with him, but I refused. It made the incident feel malicious. I saw him and the dogs while I was running errands, and I’m still not sure if he released those dogs on purpose, but one minute I was walking and the next minute, dogs were chasing me. They chased me out of the estate and into First bank, where the security guy quickly shut the gates. I was so shocked, I started crying. Nigerians can be very unsympathetic, some customers at the ATM queue were laughing and it was humiliating.

    When I eventually got myself together and went home, I met him In front of my gate laughing while recounting the story to my brother. I haven’t spoken to him to this day and I still don’t like dogs. Not even those parlour dogs that people claim are nice, na them they mad pass.

    Eli, 22

    I went to a boarding school, and we used to have so many cats on the fence, especially at night and early in the morning. There were many rumours about the cats, especially because it was a Christian school and Nigerians think cats are evil. One evening after night prep, while running to go for night devotion, I left my water bottle in class. I went back after devotion to look for it but it was already stolen. As I was walking back to my hostel I saw something with bright eyes beside me. I thought it was a snake, so naturally, I ran. When I turned around I realized that it was a cat. I don’t know if the cat thought it was a game, but that cat chased me. The girls at the tap area in front of my hostel saw me running towards them, they didn’t even wait to see what I was running from. Those girls ran inside the hostel and locked me out. I ended up running towards the gate man’s house, and he helped me pursue the cat with a stick. The chaplain was called the next day to pray for me just in case it was a bad spirit pursuing me which was a bit extra.

    All my friends and the housemistress were so nice to me for a while until everyone forgot about it. I am queer, so it’s always a red flag when I tell women I like, that I hate cats. Why does having a cat have to be a queer thing? They are so mean.

    Teidou, 22

    It was a Sunday and I decided not to go to church. I attended a military school, missing activities like that meant hiding out of sight from teachers, seniors, house mistresses and soldiers. My friends and I decided that we would hide in the biology lab. As we were walking towards the lab, we saw people running from afar, shouting that a cow was pursuing them. I ended up falling on my face, got injured and was taken to the sickbay. There was punishment waiting for me when I got better so that sucked. I am still afraid of cows but it doesn’t stop me from eating cow meat, it’s just payback for the scar I got.

    Azeezat, 21

    When I remember what happened to me that day, it gives me so much joy to eat chicken. I grew up in the UK, so we didn’t get to see farm animals or anything that wasn’t a dog unless you went to a petting zoo. We used to travel to Nigeria often until we decided to settle here permanently. I was 4 the first time I remembered coming to Nigeria. We went to visit an uncle that had a farm and I asked him if I could feed the chicks. All I did was stretch out my hand, and the mother hen decided that I wanted to kill them. She chased me around, and all the adults were laughing, no one did anything to stop her. I was so certain that she wanted to kill me. Forgetting that incident has been hard, they still scare me.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 7 Reasons Why Nigerians Will Survive In A Horror Movie

    7 Reasons Why Nigerians Will Survive In A Horror Movie

    If a Nigerian was put in all those horror movie situations where people make stupid decisions and die, there is a hundred per cent chance that the Nigerian might end up killing the scary guy. Here are 7 reasons why.

    1. They won’t move into a cursed house

    No force dead or alive can convince a Nigerian to move into a house everyone thinks is cursed. They are far too superstitious for that. That horror movie will end in the beginning.

    2. They won’t follow anyone to the cemetery

    Except it’s for a burial, you’d never find a Nigerian casually walking around a cemetery. Especially, not at night.

    3. They wouldn’t participate in an exorcism

    No Nigerian teenager in their right mind would consider delivering someone “possessed” without the help of a professional.

    4. They wouldn’t keep picking calls from unknown numbers

    If you’ve seen Nigerians insult services providers that call to advertise, or people that call their numbers by mistake, you’d know that this is a bad Idea. If you call to scare them, they will just insult your generation.

    5. If ghosts are playing with the lights, they’d think it’s Nepa moving mad

    Their minds won’t even think it’s a ghost playing with the light when we already have Nepa doing that for us everyday.

    6. Nobody can pursue you with a knife because there would be traffic

    Imagine trying to pursue someone to kill them in Nigeria? By the time you sit down in two hours of traffic, all the ginger to kill would have died. Plus, Nigerians will catch you and burn you with tire and that would be the end of the horror movie.

    7.  Nigerians don’t do forest hikes

    Why would anyone walk into a forest to hike for fun? Inside that forest, kidnappers would have even kidnapped the horror movie killer anyways.

    10 Reasons Why Nigerians Won’t Survive An Apocalypse

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Clear Signs That You Were Dropped On Your Head As A Child

    8 Clear Signs That You Were Dropped On Your Head As A Child

    The fact that you can no longer remember the pain of being dropped on your head doesn’t mean you might not be living with long term side effects. You’ll know by some of your actions whether or not you were dropped on your head as a child. 

    Here are a few clear signs.

    1. You like drama.

    You either start the drama or get drawn to it. Everyone knows you live for some sort of commotion. It’s part of the follow come with being dropped on your head.

    2. You like to date questionable people.

    Your friends and family have all given up on fixing you and advising you. You enjoy dating people who give you headaches. What others see as red flags, you see as roses. 

    3. You enjoy making morbid jokes.

    Everyone knows you for being notorious for making morbid jokes and not knowing when to read the room. You can read every other thing asides from a room that’s uncomfortable with the jokes you are making. 

    4. You never practise what you preach.

    It’s a little shocking that you even preach. You often go as far as giving good advice, but it’s impossible for you to take your own advice. Everyone comes to go for advice even though they know you have small skoin-skoin.

    5. You live your life like you have a spare one at home.

    Maybe you have a spare one at home. Who knows? If you could survive something as severe as being dropped on your head as a child, it’s obvious you have many extra lives to play with. 

    6. You are not as rich as Dangote, but you spend more money than he does. 

    Oh, in this case, you fell on your head as a child and also as an adult. You are irredeemable. 

    7. You deliberately voted for Bubu.

    Look around you, are you proud of that decision? If your answer is yes, it’s obvious you fell on your head again as an adult. 

    8. You litter and throw things out of moving vehicles.

    You are one inch away from being in the same category with people who fell again as adults. Why are you littering the place? Do you not have home training or manner? Let’s blame your behaviour on that bad fall. 

    Ibukun

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  • 6 Types Of Phobias Only Nigerians Can Totally Understand

    6 Types Of Phobias Only Nigerians Can Totally Understand

    What is fear, if not the beginning of wisdom? The following phobias are not necessarily things that can be aptly explained away in an Oxford dictionary.

    They are fears that sleep and wake with many Nigerians and Africans at large. Life should not be this hard, but it is what it is.

    1. Castophobia

    What does it mean to “cast?” You can see it as losing face before others, especially those you want to have a favourable opinion of you. e.g that fine guy or girl you’ve had the longest crush on. The fear of casting or being casted makes many people cautious of who they tell stuff to or their actions.

    2. In-law phobia

    Bruh, don’t blame some people who have made up their mind not to get married. The fear of in-laws from the out of hell alone can stop you in your tracks mid-proposal. If you have in-laws who do not cause you chest pain, then you don’t know what the lord has done for you.

    3. Sapaphobia

    Sapa doesn’t just choke, it hooks till you begin to wonder if you are not God’s could anymore. It is this fear of being broke that keeps many people showing up at jobs they absolutely hate. Nice one, sapa.

    4. Airophobia

    This is the fear of being ignored a.k.a “aired dfkm”. It is why many people do not shoot shots or send messages in certain group chats. How will they ignore you if you kuku face front? Toh. The principle of speak only when spoken to can help reduce this fear.

    5. Enemyphobia

    My dear brothers and sisters, this is the fear of village people who do not want you to shine – principalities and powers. The average African has a deep seated fear of enemies somewhere – mother or father’s side. Call it superstition if you will, but watch your back.

    6. Parentophobia

    This is the age-old fear of being seen as a family disgrace. When you want to do things like dying your hair purple or wear crazy jeans, it is this fear that might keep you in check. After all the investment they’ve invested, this is how you want to repay your parents? Shivers.

    Susan Nwaobiala

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