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There’s almost nothing as annoying as having to suffer through an unwanted visitor’s visit, especially when they overstay their welcome. You’re on your own happily minding your business trying to make heaven and someone decides to test you?
These tips will help you pass the message that it’s time to come and be going.
Start cleaning up
Start sweeping the spot where they’re seated so they have to do that awkward dance where they try to move their legs away from the spot you’re sweeping. Do that every five minutes and just tell them you like a clean home.
Tell them you want to fumigate the house
If the first option doesn’t work, just tell them you saw scorpions in your kitchen three times in the past two days and you need to fumigate the house. They’ll run away.
Sleep off
They’ll get bored and leave on their own. Some stubborn ones will join you to sleep sha.
Start turning off the lights
Turn off everything and say your doctor told you to start sleeping by 6 p.m. to improve your kidney health.
Tell them you quickly want to run an errand and ask them to accompany you. Then you can take them to Balogun market and lose them in the crowd.
Fake an emergency call
“The village pet goat just went into labour? On my way there right now!”
Just tell them to leave
Because life is too short to be stressing about what you should or shouldn’t say. Just politely tell them it’s not a good time. Or not. The point is, just do you.
Starting new jobs can be scary. There you are, excited about landing your dream job, and suddenly you remember the important questions: will your boss have sense? Is there an affordable buka close to your job?
And probably the most critical question of all: how do you make a great first impression and prove to your bosses and colleagues that hiring you wasn’t a mistake? These tips will help you.
Don’t smile too much
There’s a big difference between a polite smile and a Kanayo O. Kanayo smile. Don’t come across as a ritualist, please.
Let them know you’re not here to play
When it’s time for handshakes, shake everyone for at least 5 minutes so they can tell you’re here for business.
Own a MacBook
Ever wondered why tech founders carry Macbooks everywhere? It’s because they immediately give you “big player” vibes. Get with the times.
Borrow an accent
Get a British or American accent and stick with it. Don’t go mixing them up sha o, so you don’t spoil your street cred.
So you can wow them with your knowledge of their personal lives when you get introduced to them. Some may say it’s creepy, we say it’s thinking out of the box.
Wear a power suit
If you’re resuming work remotely, make sure to turn on your video during meetings so they can see that you’re dressed how you’d like to be addressed — a boss.
Buy food for everyone
If you disregard everything else on this list, pay attention to this one. Quick secret, food is the only sure way to everyone’s heart. They can’t help but love you.
If there’s one thing you can’t take away from Nigerian men, it’s that their beauty is low maintenance, and they know it. Imagine being proud of your skincare routine consisting of just Irish Spring and vaseline.
Anyway, I asked some ladies about their favourite fashion items to see on men and got interesting answers. Man dem, take notes.
Trim suits
— Ope*, 24
I absolutely love guys in suits. Bring a man wearing a trim, dapper suit my way and I may just give him all my money. I think it makes them look powerful.
Image source: Gents coalition
Ashawo shorts
— Mavor, 20
I absolutely love those short shorts. It makes guys look very sexy. I like how it reveals the whole framework of their legs.
Anklets
— Maina*, 21
My obsession with anklets and shorts started sometime two months ago (June 2022) when I saw this fine specimen of black man walking down the road. He had on a pink “Marshmello” hoodie over the tightest ashawo shorts, white crocs and a golden anklet to compliment his legs.
I think it makes them look classy and shows how neat they are. There’s also the fact that I’ve never seen a guy with ugly fingers wear rings, so there’s that.
Image source: Hollywood life
Traditional wear
— Titi, 20
It definitely has to be traditional wear, especially when tailored properly. Take all my money! I always look forward to seeing my man in traditional wear.
There’s also something about plain coloured T-shirts on slightly buff men, Definitely sexy.
Image source: Ebuka Obi-uchendu
Sunglasses
— Lolo*, 25
There’s something about seeing a guy with cute sunglasses. It just gives them this sexy, mysterious look. I don’t know if it’s weird but I find it attractive.
Image source: Ebuka Obi-uchendu
Tiny necklaces
— Kiishi, 25
It has an appeal and I like how subtle it looks in a really fashionable way.
Image source: Ubuy Nigeria
*Some names have been changed for anonymity, and answers slightly edited for clarity.
With many Nigerians’ behaviours influenced by culture and religion, expressing gratitude even for the barest minimum is seen as a sign of respect. So here are some of the very basic things Nigerians love to be appreciated for.
Refunding money they borrowed
Even if it’s your money, don’t you know that times are hard? They could have easily run off with your money, faked their death, or simply just refused to pay back. But they didn’t, so you should be grateful, kneel down and thank them profusely for doing you the favour of returning your own money.
Telling you the truth
Because Nigerian men are prone to lying, they like to be appreciated for simply telling the truth. Talking about, “You should be happy I told you the truth; what if I had lied?”
Having sex with them
Sex is hard work, so if you find someone that can go three whole rounds without muscle cramps, and also make you cum, maybe you should thank them actually.
Don’t you know that follower count is almost as important as body count? If not, why would they be replying “ifb” under every viral tweet? So if someone does you the honour of following you, maybe you could should a little more gratitude? The same thing applies to people that interact with your content. Be saying thank you for each comment, please.
Nigerians want you to thank them for patronising you, for paying the price y’all agreed on or just even paying you at all tbh.
For rendering a service
What’s better than paying Nigerians in cash? Paying in many thanks and gratitude. If you don’t agree, just go to your local hairdresser and attempt to leave after paying without saying thank you first.
Aso-ebi — or “and co” or “uniform” — isn’t a bad idea on its own. What’s not to love about wearing colourful ‘fits that also serve as your full pass to party jollof and owambe souvenirs?
We’ll tell you what’s not to love: the cost. Sure, society says buying aso-ebi is a show of support but should you really be buying ₦80k aso-ebi with how bad the naira is crashing? Even bread is going on strike, these days.
Avoiding aso-ebi billing is an art, and here’s how you can do it:
Don’t have friends
Hear us out: If you have zero friends, who will disturb you about buying their wedding aso-ebi?
Accuse your bank
Take a page from Anna Delvey’s book and just say Emefiele has frozen your account because you didn’t get a credit alert for 60 days.
Blame your family
“My mother said her pastor told her that I must not wear the same clothes as anyone else.”
So you can always read and ignore any attempt to make you part with money in this Buhari era.
Say you’re busy that day
“Oh, your wedding is on the 5th? Chai. My dog’s vet’s neighbour is burying his dog on that same day. I’m so pained.” If they tell you to buy the aso-ebi like that, just run.
Start crying
Tell them all about how aso-ebi makes you remember your late family member that died while wearing aso-ebi at a burial. Anyone that forces you to buy after such a sad story is just heartless.
Tell them you’ve not eaten
The trick is, immediately you notice that aso-ebi talk is coming, just start lamenting about how you’ve not eaten for three weeks. They’ll run away on their own to avoid you asking them for money.
But we aren’t spared in the corporate world either. In this article, six Nigerian women tell us what it’s like to be female bosses in male-dominated offices:
“I have to work twice as hard to be taken seriously”
— Bella*, 42, real estate consultant
I own a real estate company, and if I got a dollar for every time I heard someone say, “A man must be bank-rolling her,” I’d be a billionaire now. If people paid more attention to making money for their children, maybe they wouldn’t be so quick to assume that everyone has to sleep with people to get wealth.
I’ve been in this business for close to eight years, and while it’s a lot better now, my earlier years were tough. I felt like people didn’t take me seriously, and I remember having to take a loan to buy a bigger car just so I could command respect when conducting site inspections. I’d be the first to get to work and the last to leave because I needed everyone to see how hard I worked.
But now? My achievements speak for me, and I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks.
“Stereotyping is so annoying”
— Dara*, 26, human resource lead
I lead my team at my workplace, and I’ve noticed that I need to pay special attention to treating people nicely just so I don’t fall into the “female bosses have wahala” stereotype.
I’m quite certain that my male colleagues don’t have to reread their emails five times before sending them to confirm that they don’t sound domineering. It’s a peculiar situation, but I’m happy to put in the work if it means that just one more person can attest to the fact that not all female team leads are out to stress you.
Before I even started leading my team, there were multiple times when I questioned my abilities.
Imagine being the only woman in a department, in an organisation that has more women occupying the non-technical roles. Even though people treated me with respect, I subconsciously felt the need to prove that I deserved a place as “one of the boys”.
Now that I lead my team, I struggle to delegate tasks because I still feel the need to prove myself. It’s an internal struggle, but my team members are nice.
I manage operations at a real estate firm, and it’s a very challenging environment. It’s been an interesting ride, but I’ve not had any issues relating to my gender.
I’m very much respected because I know my onions, and they have no choice but to listen when I speak. I don’t feel any special need to prove myself because I’m confident in the value that I bring. If any organisation moves mad, I can just move on to the next one.
“Funny enough, ladies are my problem”
— Tosin*, 35, creative producer
I work in media, and most of my team members are male. They’re cool for the most part, with the odd case of expecting me to take notes in meetings just because.
It’s the ladies that stress my life. I think most ladies don’t like working with female bosses because of this stereotype that we’re difficult to work with. So when deliverables are delayed, and I crack down on them, it’s almost like I’m reinforcing this stereotype, but they don’t see that it’s because they’re slacking.
“It’s great”
— Neema*, 29, finance professional
I’m just one of two female team leads out of seven in my organisation, but I wouldn’t say it’s due to sexism. It’s a startup, but the culture is great — I don’t feel disrespected or targeted because of my gender.
I once worked at an organisation where sexual harassment was rife, but I left immediately I noticed it. The people in my present company know they’ll lose their jobs if they even think about it.
I think it’s up to us as women to enforce a standard on how we want to be treated, or at least who we decide to work for. Companies also have a role to play in ensuring healthy work cultures for everyone, irrespective of gender.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity, and statements have been lightly edited for clarity.
This isn’t exactly breaking news but, Nigeria is actively trying to stress you. If it’s not crowning a known terrorist, it’s playing tinko-tinko with the future of young Nigerians — does Nigeria even care about your mental health?
Well, we do and so, here’s how to practice self-care in a country that doesn’t care about you.
Daydream about leaving Nigeria
Not all of us will have japa money, but that doesn’t mean we can’t dream about it.
Leave fit-fam out of this. This is self-care and like an unknown wise woman said, “A full stomach is a happy stomach.”
Don’t live in Lagos
How can you be thinking about self-care when you fight daily with bus drivers and fellow mad Lagosians?
Quit your job and sleep
Think about it — jobs are just another part of the scam that is adulting. Free yourself from capitalism and rest. You deserve it.
Have money
See, money fixes a lot of things. It’s better to be stressed in a Bugatti than in a danfo bus, no?
Invest in noise-cancelling headphones
This may just be one of the best investments of your adult life. Think of the possibilities — no singing primary school children, speakers from religious places of worship or even your talkative neighbour filtering into your head.
Give social media a break
Especially Twitter and LinkedIn. You really don’t need to get notifications of everything that’s wrong with Nigeria or get updates of the zillionth person landing their dream job.
Get your PVC
Because if you don’t play your part in making a better Nigeria, all the self-care in the world may not be able to save you.
Abacha — the food, not the Nigerian sugar daddy — is a popular Eastern Nigerian dish also known as “African Salad”.
Typically made with the African oil bean seeds (ugba), abacha is one delicacy that can make an Igbo man willingly surrender his belongings — it’s that good. Not everyone is sold on this dish, though, as some argue that it’s overrated.
Image source:Meal Planner kitch’n
We spoke to seven Nigerians, and here’s what they think:
“It tastes much better than it looks”
— Ayomide, 23
I have to admit that, for the longest time, whenever I saw people eating abacha, I thought it was rubbish. There’s just this way it used to look to me.
In January 2022, I eventually decided to try it when my mum bought some for her friends. I was pleasantly surprised. I absolutely love the unique taste, especially when mixed with the sauce. I now actively look for abacha sellers to buy from every day.
I had my first taste of abacha in 2010. I was a first-year student at the college of health technology in Yaba, and I noticed that many of my female colleagues loved buying it with stew, ponmo and all the orisirisi added.
I decided to try it one day, and while it wasn’t exactly bad, it tasted more like a regular salad — nothing special. I’ve had it once since then, and I honestly think it’s kinda overrated.
“It tasted like soap”
— Esther, 21
I don’t like it at all. I first had abacha in Lagos in 2020. Before then, I always saw it around, and I’d wonder what it tasted like.
On the day I finally had the opportunity to eat it, I was with a friend, and she had called on a hawker to purchase some. She asked if I wanted a plate, but I decided to try some from her portion first, before buying what I wouldn’t be able to eat.
When we got home, she dished it out, and I was eager to try it. The very first spoon that went into my mouth came back out with the same speed with which it entered. It tasted like it had soap in it. It might have been the oil, but I’ve never tried to eat it again. It’s overrated, abeg.
“Abacha is definitely not overrated”
— Eniola, 26
The first time I had it was around 2007 when it was prepared by my Yoruba father. Before then, I never knew something like that existed.
I prepare it now myself, and even though it isn’t exactly the same as what my dad used to make (he’s late now), I still find the taste to be really sumptuous and unique. The taste also varies, depending on how you make it, but it’s a hit every single time.
“I hated it until I got to Enugu”
— Amaka*, 25
As an Igbo girl, I always used to get teased when I said I didn’t like abacha. It’s like people expected me to love it just because I’m Igbo.
We live in Lagos and have never made it at home because my dad doesn’t like it so my first taste was from a roadside seller. It was so bad and I swore never to let it pass through my lips again.
But in 2019, I went for NYSC in Enugu and I was bullied into having abacha again, and I realised that I’d been deceived in Lagos. Enugu abacha is fire and I honestly feel sorry for people eating the rubbish they sell in Lagos.
I’d lived in the North my whole life and only moved to Lagos in 2018. Lagos is a whole new experience, and as a foodie, I was eager to try new dishes.
A friend introduced me to abacha and from how hype she was about it, I was expecting something spectacular. The first time I saw it, I was a bit taken aback — it doesn’t look that great and the smell is somehow. Yet, I found the courage to try it; while I loved the several protein obstacles, I’m not a huge fan of abacha itself.
It’s not bad but I don’t love it.
“It takes some getting used to”
— Hannah*, 28
I like abacha on some days. Other days, I don’t even want to see it. Eating it for the first time, it attacks you with an entirely new texture, and it’s like your brain has to override the “what the hell is this?” alert.
Abacha isn’t bad, but I don’t think it’s that great, really. I guess it depends a lot on who makes it.
*Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
I believe we can all agree that Nigerian women are amazing. Feel free to fight your keyboard if you don’t agree. When they aren’t doing awesome things like protesting for change or calling guys “big head”, they also know how to have fun.
Here’s a list of things Nigerian women do to chop the lives of their heads:
Brunch dates with the girls
Of course, it wouldn’t be complete without featuring creamy pasta, bottomless mimosas and overpriced desserts.
Indulging in self-care
After a long week of battling capitalism and our patriarchal society, enjoying alone time while doing self-care stuff like wash day, exfoliation and generally kick back and relax.
Increasing wickedness
Since y’all won’t let the “Nigerian women are wicked” trope rest, it’s only fitting that they become even wickeder. To whom much is given, you know the rest.
Drinking male tears
The male gender will always find one thing to cry out about — whether it’s for eating four eggs or expecting you to order meat pie and water. And what do the gals do? They drink and enjoy the tears.
Going shopping
Not because they really need it, but because they absolutely can.
Since the tweet arguments about who should wake up by the ungodly hour that is 8 a.m. to do chores have refused to end, we made this quiz to save you the stress. Take this quiz to find out what chore awaits you this weekend.
Pick all the chores you absolutely hate:
You got #{score}/#{total}
You don’t even do chores at home, why would you do them for your partner?
You got #{score}/#{total}
Chores aren’t your thing but this weekend you will sweep for love.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Just add caterer to your CV. you’re about to cook like your life depends on it
You got #{score}/#{total}
You will work ehn… LMAO! There’s no work you won’t do.
It’s possible that when you think about breadwinners in the home, your mind automatically goes to the man. Regardless of what society expects, this isn’t always the case in every family.
We spoke to six Nigerian women about being major financial providers in their families, and here’s what they had to say:
“We don’t talk about it”
— Joke*, 36
I’ve been married for four years, and my husband has only officially worked for one year since we got together. He lost his job due to some kind of office politics, and now, he just does some online freelancing to make money.
I cover all the bills — including rent and our children’s school fees — from my ₦100k salary. It’s challenging, and I must have taken loans from every co-operative at my job. At this point, we don’t even talk about me having to take care of everything anymore; it’s just expected. I can’t say anything so as not to seem disrespectful.
“My mum expects me to send money home”
— Gina*, 20
I’m a student at one of the federal polytechnics, and I also make hair for my fellow students to get some money. My mum is a single mother of two, and she sells sweets to fend for us.
I understand how tough things are at home, and I send what I can, especially to support my little sister who’s still in secondary school, but it gets frustrating that my mum expects so much from me. I once asked her where she thought I got money from and she didn’t say anything.
I hustle daily to support my family and pay for school, but I hope I don’t get pushed into doing what I’m not supposed to do.
I earn 70% more than my husband does. So naturally, I take on more responsibilities at home. That isn’t an issue in itself, but the pressure from our extended family is out of this world.
My husband is generous, and our extended family takes advantage of this. It has gotten so bad that they now feel entitled, and if he doesn’t send money, they say his wife doesn’t want him to help them. Now I find myself spending most of my salary just to satisfy family demands — while they think it’s coming from my husband. People think we’re rich, in reality, we have to stretch out my husband’s small salary to afford rent and other utilities.
“It’s tiring”
— Lizzy*, 33
My husband is out of the country, and I’ve been the only one catering to the children — well, except for the yearly rent that he sends.
He’s been away for three years now, and I still wonder if it’s that difficult to send something to assist in feeding and school fees at least once in a while. His family also doesn’t care to know how we live. But if I dare ask him for money, his mother will know and send one of his siblings to harass me.
I like to console myself by assuming I’m a single mother so I don’t feel too disappointed.
I know how hard my parents worked to ensure my siblings and I didn’t lack anything while we were growing up.
Now that I have a job and they’re both retired, I’m only too happy to take on our financial needs, especially with three of my siblings still in school. It’s tough because I don’t earn so much, and I don’t have a glucose guardian, but I try my best.
It means I can’t just spend on enjoyment sturvs for myself or randomly go out with friends, but it’s a sacrifice I’m happy to make. My parents did more for us.
“We’re a unit”
— Hadiza*, 31
My husband resigned from work in 2021 to further his studies in another state. I’ve had to shoulder all the home expenses and even assist with his school expenses.
I don’t have a problem with it because this is something that we already talked about and agreed on together. But it’s difficult because we have three children. Anyway, the fact that this should be temporary helps make it easier.
*All names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
You’ve probably experienced some sort of pain or soreness on your nipples before, but contrary to whatever your Google search results say — no, you’re not dying.
Nipple pain can involve any form of tenderness or aching, throbbing, tingling, or burning sensations. It’s actually quite common and often not due to anything serious.
Here’s a list of the possible reasons your nipples hurt, according to Dr Marion Ogunmola, a medical doctor specialising in internal medicine.
1. Friction
If you keep an active lifestyle, you may experience friction with your choice of clothing. If you exercise with thick cotton clothing or without a good sports bra, your nipples may hurt. Even if you aren’t a fitness buff, friction resulting from poorly fitted bras is a genuine possibility.
This can be managed by sticking to adequately fitted bras. If you’re not a fan of bras, make sure to use light, well-fitted clothing or athletic tape to reduce the friction.
You may like it rough in the other room, but if foreplay gets too harsh and leads to too much friction, you may notice soreness in your nipples.
You can manage this by communicating with your partner. After all, no be fight. Or use a warm compress to relieve the pain on the affected nipple. However, keep in mind that nipple pain will most likely go away on its own when the cause has been eliminated.
3. Breastfeeding
This is the commonest reason for hurting nipples, and to be honest — nothing prepares you for the initial pain of breastfeeding. The nipples aren’t used to that much pressure, so there’ll be some pain at the beginning, especially for new mothers.
The nipples can also become painful due to poor latch — where the nipple is stuck between the hard palate of the baby’s mouth. So that every time the baby sucks, it becomes clamped between the palate and the tongue.
Affected women can use baby-friendly lubricants on their nipples to soothe the pain. They still have to breastfeed — even when it hurts to prevent engorged breasts and even more pain — but must ensure the baby latches on properly. When latching is done right, breastfeeding eventually becomes less painful.
4. Infection
This is a less-common cause, but infections like candidiasis can cause itchy and painful nipples. While it’s rare, the pain can be due to suppressed immune functions caused by prolonged antibiotic use or other underlying diseases, consistent wet clothing — yeast thrives in dark and moist places — and even breastfeeding.
Treatment typically involves using anti-fungal medication. In the case of infection due to breastfeeding, check your baby for oral thrush so you can treat both simultaneously.
5. Hormonal changes
Hormonal changes during your period can also cause nipple pain — as if we needed another reason to hate on periods. This type of pain is cyclical and only occurs when the red lady shows up.
Yay… so fun
Such pain can be managed using over-the-counter pain medication and adequately supporting bras during your period.
It’s important to note that your nipples can either hurt on their own or be associated with breast pain. If you also experience breast pain, please consult your doctor.
There’s no way to fake good swagger. As the saying goes, “if it didn’t dey, then it didn’t dey”. Nigeria has always had it in abundance, and these pictures from the old times prove it:
I don’t know if you’ve heard — probably because you’re still in the euphoria of the holiday weekend that just passed — but the next public holiday is in October, which means we’re back to the regular made-in-China weekends.
Here’s how you can make these short weekends longer:
Start your Saturday at 4 a.m.
This is what we call “beating the system”. Your day technically becomes longer, and you end up having a long weekend.
Announce a public holiday
Public holidays are all man-made, so what’s stopping you from announcing yours? Call it something like World Weekend Day, and get as many people as you can to jump on it. Simple.
Stay in denial
Again, no one laid it in stone that the weekend rest ends on Sunday. Just stay in denial and extend your weekend till the next Thursday. What’ll happen?
Call in sick on Monday
Don’t let your job stop you from enjoying a long weekend. Just call in sick on Monday and tell your boss you aren’t up to it. Problem solved.
In the immortal words of Beyoncé, quit your 9-5 and enjoy a lifetime of weekends. Don’t stay shackled to the chains of capitalism.
Become an entrepreneur
Think about it. You can decide to take the whole Monday off, and no one will query you. Possible side effects include forfeiting your weekends entirely and never having time for yourself.
Encourage your co-workers to go on strike
In the event that you still need your job, another fool-proof method is to go on strike. People are just waiting for reasons to be angry, so fan the flames by mentioning that only your CEO has a Macbook or the tissue paper is just 1ply, then watch your co-workers do the Lord’s work.
Throw away your calendars and clocks
Delete the apps from your phone as well. So, technically, you didn’t miss work because you wanted to, but because you didn’t know.
Ever heard of sapa? Well, it’s that evil spirit that has made so many people resort to desperate — and sometimes, downright hilarious — attempts to get their daily urgent ₦2k to put food on the table.
I spoke to some people and they shared the most desperate things they’ve done for money.
“I spent the night in a dark classroom”
— Tola*, 29
This was during the 2011 Nigerian elections and I desperately wanted to be a part of the INEC ad-hoc staff. I’d applied but didn’t get selected. I got the bright idea to go spend the night in the school where INEC personnel would be taking off from, just in case somebody didn’t show up so I could replace them.
I met some other people there as well, and it was a long, cold night. Eventually, some of the selected staff didn’t show up in the morning and I took someone’s place. They paid me only ₦13k after everything — they even delayed payments by over two weeks.
I’ve also done ushering service jobs where I’d get paid ₦1k for a whole day, after leaving home at 5 a.m. and returning at 10 p.m. I did this between 2008 and 2011. Sure, I got to eat at the events, but it was horrible — all the insults and stress were just ridiculous. I can never do either of these two “jobs” ever again.
“I commuted from Ikorodu to Owode-Onirin every day for ₦500 daily”
— Wendy, 25
In 2013, I was trying to save up for JAMB, so my neighbour introduced me to a food canteen in Owode-Onirin where they paid ₦500 per day. I’d go there as early as 5 a.m. and try to convince the iron rod sellers near the canteen to buy a plate of food from me. Each plate was about ₦300, and I needed to sell at least 20 plates, retrieve them, wash them and sweep the store by 6 p.m. to get my ₦500 for that day.
I didn’t get paid in full somedays because madam could just complain that I wasn’t smiling or that I didn’t attend to a customer “well”. My transport fare to and from the canteen was about ₦200, and sometimes I only made a profit of ₦200 after everything.
I didn’t last up to two weeks there because one of the male sellers slapped my bum one day, and I hit him back in the face. Nonsense.
“I de-feathered chickens on the road for about ₦200”
— Charles*, 24
This was during the Christmas holidays in 2016, and of course, there were chicken sellers everywhere. All you had to do was walk up to a seller, select a chicken, and you could decide to have it killed, de-feathered and cut up for you for a price by the seller’s assistant.
My friends and I were broke so we decided to try this assistant business out. We suffered. We burnt our hands from the hot water we had to use to de-feather the chickens, and the hot sun beat down on us for hours. The angry and impatient customers yelling at us didn’t help matters. And for what? Payment of less than ₦200 per processed chicken? God abeg.
Less than a week later, my mum eventually had to ban me from going back when I started looking pale. Fun times.
“I worked at a construction site”
— Onyeka*, 45
This was when I was a broke student at LASU. I think we were on strike, but my roommates and I couldn’t travel home because we didn’t have any money. For days, we depended on soaking garri until one day, I noticed another roommate eating rice.
Of course, we were all shocked and asked where he got the money. He was reluctant but later told us that he’d show us only if we promised we’d be able to do it. Broke men like us? We had no choice.
The next day, he took us to a construction site he found, and the site manager graciously hired us. We had to carry cement and sand all day for ₦500. When we got back to the hostel, I seriously thought I was going to die. My body ached like I had been passed through a grinder.
Ibuprofen came to the rescue sha and we kept going back until ASUU called off the strike.
I’m not proud of this, but I once had to sell my mum’s gold necklace without her knowledge to settle a debt.
I was in my third year of university, and things were hard at home. I was on the verge of missing out on my exams due to unpaid fees — about ₦30k. I had to borrow money. Not long after, the person I borrowed from started pressuring me to pay back. I kept posting him till he sent cultists to threaten me — apparently, his cousin was a cultist.
I knew my mum would never sell the necklace because it was a gift from my late dad, but my life was at stake. I think she knows I took it, but she never questioned me.
For about three years, I made a lot of money writing exams for people, including WAEC and polytechnic exams. It was very risky, and also involved heavily “sorting” invigilators, but it paid well.
I wouldn’t do it again, though — I have a proper job now, and I don’t think it’s as easy to impersonate students now, compared to 2009-2011. I also can no longer afford to risk getting jailed.
* Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Escaping sapa is the Nigerian dream, and while we keep moving on our journeys to freedom, you have to keep fighting back.
Food is the most important weapon you need in your arsenal, and Zikoko is here with the right cookbook for you.
Diced Mangoes
How would you dice a mango? Well, that’s left for you to figure out. But this food is a smash hit for the times when Sapa shows its true colors.
Fufu and Egg
How do you get more than enough carbs and protein while on a budget? Here’s your answer: you don’t even need three square meals after eating this. Think of it as an abridged version of a balanced diet.
Beans and Amala
This is based on consensus, and it works as a less simplistic version of fufu and egg. It’s basically fufu and egg with more happiness added.
Garri and Crayfish
Crayfish is that unsung universal food hero that tastes good with everything. You can use crayfish for Jollof rice, stew, yam, and many more foods. So why not with garri too?
Sometimes, all you need is to go to church and listen to the word of God, because he who is filled with the spirit will not want things of the flesh.
Tomato paste Jollof rice
As the name implies, this is basically jollof rice made mainly from tomato paste and a few spices. You may argue that it’s not jollof rice but that’s really your business. Try it out and see if it doesn’t come out looking like Jollof.
Bread and Noodles
We would have suggested spaghetti and bread, but we’re trying to fight sapa here, so let’s stay focused. Bread and noodles are basically two of the cheapest foods that Nigerians absolutely love. Also, what does bread not go well with in this life?
The unending floods, traffic and hiked transport fares are here, and so, if you’re still living in Lagos, two things are certain: you’re either in love with suffering or you’ve hacked surviving the city.
No one person has the answer, so we compiled a list of very important tips for surviving Lagos, sourced from Twitter.
Eating the same rice, bread and yam every week can get boring. This is why we compiled a list of other things you can eat.
Water
Getting tired of everyday Nigerian food means you’ve had enough and need a break. Imagine drinking water for lunch and dinner, your skin would be glowing by the time you’re done.
They don’t call it food for the soul for nothing. After jamming to all the latest afrobeats releases, you’d be too full to even think about any other food.
Your partner’s work
Enjoyment for you, enjoyment for your partner. Is this how we end world starvation?
Beating
Chop one slap here, one knock there. A good beating is all the food you need when you think about it. If physical beating is too much, just get someone to beat you at a game and watch yourself lose appetite for all these regular foods. You’re welcome.
Your annoying sibling
Let’s face it, siblings are great, but they could also be a handful—stealing your clothes, borrowing your money, dragging your parent’s affection with you, and since they also seem to like eating your food all the time, how about you just eat them?
Have you ever wondered why people get a news and instantly have running stomach? If you’re in Nigeria, this one shouldn’t be hard because by the time you finish consuming all the latest news in the country, you’d be full.
We’re not saying it’s good food but at least it’s not rice.
Nigerian wedding parties are great — especially for the friends and neighbours that just came for the party jollof.
But have you ever wondered if some couples regret certain things from their big day, though? We asked these eight Nigerians, and here’s what they shared with us:
“Having a big wedding”
— Ola*, 25
I’ve wanted a small destination wedding for as long as I can remember, but I had no choice but to settle for a full-on Yoruba owambe-style wedding because of my husband and our families.
The whole wedding felt like a chore, and it’s still painful that no one listened to me, and I never got the excitement most people get before/during their wedding. It felt more like I was just there because I had to be the bride.
It wasn’t like I didn’t want to sleep — I just couldn’t because I was too excited. By the time Saturday rolled around, I was extremely tired. I couldn’t enjoy the reception because I just wanted to find somewhere to sleep. And it didn’t help that everyone expected us to spend more time on the dance floor.
I still berate myself for printing invitation cards since most people just got the information from our wedding website. We printed about 200 cards and still had about 100 cards after the wedding. Such waste in this Buhari government.
“I worried about everything”
— Chioma*, 24
I must have been a bridezilla because I was everywhere in the days leading up to the wedding, trying to make sure that everything was perfect. On my wedding day, I kept fussing about different things: the bridesmaid’s dress that needed to be fixed, the makeup artist that came in late, the traffic on the way to the church, etc.
Looking back, I wish I’d just let things sort themselves out and just enjoyed my day. Worse, the pictures bear witness to how stressed I let myself be. Brides-to-be, take note, abeg.
“Not booking backup photographers”
— Demi*, 30
The painful part is that my wife and I promised each other that we wouldn’t be the couple complaining about wedding picture disappointments because we’d get like two backups. LMAO.
Expenses really took a toll on our budget during wedding preparations, and we constantly postponed reaching out to backup photographers until we eventually forgot. We had just one photographer at our wedding, and the pictures weren’t great. The photographer even took forever to share them.
“The decorations”
— Edna*, 29
I let a family friend handle the hall decorations because I was trying to “encourage” growing businesses — big mistake. My heart dropped into my stomach when I stepped into the hall the evening before my wedding to check out what was happening.
The designs were tacky, and they definitely weren’t what I asked for. I had to let my maid of honour tactfully remove some items and arrange for another decorator to assist because if I had said anything, I would’ve beaten somebody up.
“Having a traditional wedding”
— Chi*, 27
Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for honouring traditions. But my traditional wedding (which took place in my hometown in the East) felt like a waste of money. I wish I had been more vocal in pleading with my family to reduce the items on the bridal list.
My husband had to spend so much money pleasing relatives I didn’t even know and buying stuff I didn’t even see — all for a one-day event. He didn’t complain to me, but I think he just didn’t want to come across as weak. I still wish I’d done something.
My mum attends MFM while I attend one of these modern pentecostal churches. As much as I tried, my parents kicked hard against getting married at my church. In their words, “What would our church people think?” They even threatened to be absent from the wedding if I didn’t concede to them.
Of course, I wanted my parents there, so I had to give in. I couldn’t wear the dress I wanted, and make-up was out of it. This thing about weddings being the “bride’s day” might be true everywhere else, but definitely not in Nigeria.
*Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Most of us (read: certain Gen Zers) agree that capitalism is the worst and we wish adulting didn’t come with having to work.
Still, we still get stories about people staying at jobs they hate due to various reasons and we wonder, how long is long enough to stay at one job? Is there an acceptable minimum?
Here’s what these seven Nigerians think:
“I go where the money is, abeg”
— Lara*, 28
I’m too old to be forming loyalty at another man’s business. I stay loyal to you for as long as you’re paying me. However, I don’t actively start searching for other jobs within six months of a new one, but if something interesting happens to pop up, best believe I’ll take it.
I think one year is a reasonable minimum — I can stay more than a year, but I don’t do less than that. I figure that I need that time to learn new things, make a difference and work at advancing my career. It also helps to avoid potential recruiters thinking you’re fickle and might be a waste of resources if they hire you.
I have a five-year rule, mainly because I’ve spent most of my career in multinationals, and I believe this gives me enough time to establish myself as an expert in a particular market and rise through the ranks. It also shows loyalty, and when recruiters try to poach me, they’re more likely to come with very attractive offers in a bid to get me onboard.
“I never spend more or less than two years”
— Max*, 27
Two years is my minimum and maximum duration. I’m at an age where I need to pay attention to intentionally growing my career and finances, and I believe there’s a limit to how much you can earn in one place.
For instance, a raise on a ₦120k job will probably take years before getting to ₦300k, but you can get to ₦300k immediately if you can find a higher-paying job.
“Six months should do it”
— Crystal*, 22
I don’t think anyone should want to quit a job before spending at least six months there. Sure, there might be peculiar cases where the workplace is toxic, but think about your CV. Unless you plan to remove the whole experience from your CV, it might not be a good look.
“I move whenever I like”
— Joy*, 26
I used to believe that I needed to spend at least one or two years at one job in order to build myself as a professional, but one company made me change my stance. I worked there for three months, and they never paid me one full month’s salary — they kept paying in instalments, and no one had to teach me before I left.
I think this idea of needing to stay for a particular period at one job does more harm to the employee — do I really have to endure an employer’s excesses so that I don’t “spoil my career”?
If there’s one thing I dislike, it’s job stagnation. My mentor thinks three years is ample time to demonstrate growth and contribute significantly to team goals, and I agree with him. However, if you’re no longer aligned with the company’s goals, it might be time to consider quitting, even before the three-year mark.
Another thing is — if you’re sure you’re doing fantastic work and your team or company just doesn’t recognise it or makes you feel like you’re not doing well, throw the three-year mark away and move to where you’ll be respected. Life’s too short to be managing jobs.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Love it or hate it, braids are an intricate part of the Nigerian female beauty experience. Protective hairstyles are all the rave now. There’s something about not having to bother about styling your hair for weeks that makes up for all the stress of getting braided hairstyles.
What does it cost to get your favourite braid styles, though? We asked six ladies in six Nigerian cities.
Abuja
— Ortega, 23
People in this city spend crazy amounts of money on braids, but I never reach. I usually get regular box braids, which cost an average of ₦8k to ₦10k (including hair extensions and service charges) in a local saloon. But if you’re feeling bougie and you go to those fancy places, it can cost up to ₦20k — maybe ₦15k if they’re kind. Braiding natural hair is even more expensive.
I’m a knotless braids girl, and it costs me an average of ₦50k to braid my hair. My salon has fixed prices for everything, and here’s the breakdown: I usually get a hair treatment before braiding which costs about ₦20k, and the braids and hair extensions cost about ₦30k. I think it’s a reasonable price because they also take out my old braids, and the salon has a superb ambience.
I recently moved here, and while I don’t exactly love the city, I definitely can’t hate the budget-friendly hairstyling prices. I do all kinds of braids — kinky, cornrows, even ghana weaving and I typically spend between ₦7k to ₦8k, including hair extensions. Honestly, extensions take the bulk of the price because they’re more expensive here than in Lagos, but I can’t complain.
kinky braids
cornrows
ghana weaving
Ilorin
— Tope, 24
My go-to braid style is definitely knotless braids, and it costs me around ₦10k to get them done. I use two hair extensions that cost ₦2,200 each, and the service charge is usually within the range of ₦4k to ₦5k. This doesn’t include relaxer application or washing, though, as that can involve an additional ₦2k.
Osogbo
— Maria*, 31
I can’t be caught dead braiding my hair at a salon where I have to be “giving” the stylist hair extensions. So, I’m happy to shell out around ₦18k for simple cornrow braids (including hair extensions). It’s pretty expensive, but I’m paying for my comfort, so it’s worth it.
Ibadan
— Favour*, 22
I’m not much of a braids person. The most I’ve done is crochet braids, and that’s because I hate sitting in one place for too long. The price for every braid session varies depending on the type or number of hair extensions I use, but the service charge is always around ₦3k to ₦4k. If I factor in hair extensions of maybe ₦5k, my total budget would be around ₦8k to ₦9k.
kinky braids
*Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.This is Zikoko’s What She Said.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 29-year-old Nigerian woman who got married, had her first child and relocated to the UK in quick succession. She tells us about juggling school, work and motherhood, and just how hellish it could be to stop breastfeeding your baby.
Tell me about leaving Naija
All my life, I’ve wanted to do my master’s right after BSc. and launch my professional career on a high. But a lot of things happened — like, my dad passed right before my final year — so once I graduated in 2015, I kinda just said, “This will be the final bus stop, joh. I’m tired.”
What changed?
Well, they say marriage comes with its blessings, and I can attest to that. Because right after I got married, the resources to pursue a master’s came through from both families. It felt like a dream come true, everything working together at once.
And I married someone I’ve known for 15 years. We went to the same secondary school, so we’ve known each other and kept in touch for that long. We dated for three years after my NYSC in 2016 and married during COVID in 2020. It’s been an amazing experience so far. I don’t want to sound cliché, but marrying your friend, it’s like we’re not even married, we’re just living together. There’s no routine, no rules.
Must be nice
Very nice. But for every next level, there’s a new devil; there are challenges that come with it.
Hmm… Let’s hear it
Hands down, the craziest time of my life was giving birth to my first child in 2021, but more precisely, getting her off breast milk after moving to the UK. I’ve never come across people, even parents, who talk about how hard it is to stop breastfeeding. And I don’t get it because… it’s crazy. Like, it’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to me in my entire life.
Oh wow. Let’s get into it a little bit. What made it crazy?
No one warned me about it. No one even tells you it’s something to prepare your mind for, at least, not in Nigeria. I’ve seen other people go through it, but I guess you don’t know what it’s like until you experience it yourself.
Please, tell me about your breastfeeding experience
So first off, I relocated with my husband and new baby to study in the UK this February [2022]. She was about ten months old at the time. I was juggling her with school until I got a job as a caretaker at a nursing home and started juggling all three.
Most weekdays, I attend classes from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m., go for my evening work shifts then back home to take over babysitting duties from my husband, who works nights. Some nights, we have virtual group meetings for school, and I’m that student who has her baby in her arms, petting and begging her not to cry while trying her hardest to participate. I’m even a group leader. I also work on weekends from 10 to 5 p.m.
When she turned 14 months in June, it made sense to get her off my milk completely.
Breastfeeding her was painful from the beginning. I didn’t start producing milk until six days after her birth. And two weeks later, I woke up to find my left nipple bleeding. My mum told me to let her continue sucking with the blood, or she won’t accept breast milk from that breast again. My doctor also said the milk ducts could clog up if I didn’t let her despite the pain. You can’t imagine how painful it was. Thank God it healed after a few days.
Thank God. I’m so sorry
It was a lot.
I started weaning her at six months. But by 14 months, she would still avoid solid food because she knew she had something to fall back on. Then there was the midnight thing. Once she woke up to breastfeed, I found it difficult to go back to sleep. I needed it to stop.
So what did you do?
The entire experience took about six days. But you see those six days? It was like hell on earth. My breasts were full and swollen. I couldn’t pump the milk out, she couldn’t suck, and it was painful. Besides the pain, there was the fever. Having to combine that with a master’s programme and work? Well, it was a lot.
And you had no idea any of this would happen?
Honestly, no.
I feel parents, mothers especially, should tell their children the breastfeeding phase is hard. But it’s not talked about at all. It was painful. I could barely touch my body during that period because even the smallest part of my skin, in fact, to pee and poop, hurt. They tell you it only lasts three days, but my breasts were still producing milk by the fifth day.
What about your antenatal checkups? Shouldn’t those have prepared you for the whole breastfeeding process?
I had a serious health condition during my pregnancy I don’t want to get into, but I couldn’t attend most of those sessions. I was practically bedridden. But even if they mentioned it during antenatal, I bet they don’t stress the pain enough.
How do babies react to being taken off breastmilk? How did your daughter take it?
That’s part of it… part of the pain. I couldn’t handle her tears. It was traumatic. Her dad had to hold her while I hid from her. She still hasn’t forgotten about the milk, tbh.
But now, I give her water whenever she reaches for my breasts. From what I’ve observed, she only asks when she’s thirsty.
Knowing what you know now, would you have opted not to breastfeed at all?
No, I would’ve still breastfed my baby. I see how it’s helped her, especially those first six months. She was extremely healthy; people would ask if I was sure I was only feeding her breast milk.
Besides that, it helped us bond. I can’t explain it, but there’s just this connection that’s lasted even beyond the weaning period. That first phase was like getting to know her properly. It was the only way we could communicate. I would definitely breastfeed my next child.
Fair enough. What are some things that made the experience better?
Like I said, her growth gave me so much satisfaction. Watching her gave me the validation that I’m doing something right. Secondly, my husband. He made things way easier for me than it would’ve been if I had to go through it alone. The support is unmatched, from the day he found out I was pregnant up until now. He’s a real blessing.
Love to see it! So how do you feel in the aftermath?
I feel like the old me again, thank God.
What’s something that keeps you going through this hectic period?
I still get As in my courses!
It gives me great joy that I’ve always wanted to do this — to be an academic with a bright career in the corporate world ahead of her — and it’s happening. Every time I remember this, it’s all just worth it.
If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why
This article was necessary because I’m tired of people jumping on the creamy pasta train and just ignoring good ol’ spaghetti jollof — she was there for you when you were down to your last ₦2k, and this is how you repay her?
Before you argue that cooking spaghetti jollof is only for broke Nigerian students, try this low-budget recipe and tell me that you don’t feel bougie af.
A small handful of chopped basil leaves (totally optional)
Preparation:
Unless you just happen to have all these ingredients in your house, go to the market and put on your best Nigerian mother impression because did you see the prawns in that list? They don’t exactly come cheap and you need to stay woke.
Clean your prawns and set them aside. Next, fill a pot with about two cups of water. Then sprinkle in a small amount of vegetable oil and a pinch of salt — this is so that when you add the spaghetti later, it doesn’t stick together and become smushy.
While you wait for the water to boil, start preparing the sauce for your spaghetti jollof. Add the sliced onions into a pan containing two tablespoons of vegetable oil and fry on medium heat for about three minutes until the onions become translucent.
Next, add the chopped peppers and the tomato paste and stir. Add the curry, thyme, seasoning cubes and salt according to your preference.
Add the cleaned prawns and continue stirring. If the sauce is too thick, add a little water and fry for an additional four minutes.
Remember your pot of hot water? It should be boiling now. Add the spaghetti and stay on high alert because if it stays on too long, you’ll have a smushy, gooey mess.
It should be tender enough in about eight minutes, so take it off the heat and strain out any excess water.
Re-introduce the strained spaghetti into the pot, mix in the sauce and let it simmer on low heat for two minutes. If you choose to add basil, now’s the time to include it.
Pro tip: If you’re really going for that bougie feeling, add the basil. It might not do anything for you but at least it looks like you just ordered this meal from a fancy restaurant. Wasn’t that the goal?
Lending people money can be very risky. You have to be ready to fight or say bye-bye to your money for the sake of peace.
If you’ve already made the terrible mistake of giving out your hard-earned money, then you can never be too prepared for the process of getting it back. We put together this guide on how different people behave when it’s time to repay a debt, just for you.
The ones who pay back on time
These ones don’t like trouble. With them, you’re sure to get your money back five business days in advance. Yes, they exist.
The ones who come back to borrow a few days after repaying
Can you actually say they didn’t pay back? No. But you see, you’re like their rolling fund. They pay you just so they can collect it back.
The ones who ghost you
Once you lend these people money, don’t expect to hear from them again. They’ll ghost you harder than your ex.
The excuse-givers
Just days before it’s time to pay back, they’ll have issues with their bank that can only be sorted out when God interferes.
They genuinely can’t believe you have the audacity to ask them for your money. It’s such a cardinal sin to these folks. Just don’t let them catch you in the streets. You’ll explain you got the nerve to ask them for your money.
The ones you run into at the club after they say they have no money
They’ll swear they just came to drop somebody off even though you can clearly see the bottle of Azul on the table.
The ones who start acting very nice, hoping you’ll forget
These are the ones who’ll check up on you three times a day as if they’re your parent. They just want you to feel bad about asking for your money. Don’t fall for it!
The ones who act like they don’t know what’s going on
They smile at you and tell you the new hot gist about the fancy new bag they just bought. But you’re dying inside, trying to hold back tears.
You’ve heard the term “work bestie”, and you want to take it a step further because nothing can stand in the way of your crushing — not even HR.
There are some things to consider before potentially wasting your feelings though:
Do they have sense?
How can you start mentally planning your wedding colours only to find out that they think semo is elite? Or that they think agege bread is overrated? The horror.
Are they actually attractive or are you just bored at work?
Let’s face it — anyone that says “I think we should wrap up” during a three-hour-long Zoom meeting is bound to look like a genius. Do your due diligence.
What could possibly attract you to someone that uses jargon like “circle back” or “run up the flagpole”. What happened to normal English?
Can you fight?
You’ll likely not be the only person crushing on your crush. They might even have crushers outside work. We ask again, “can you fight?”
Do they hit “reply all” to every email?
Will you honestly be proud to associate yourself with the person that keeps every other recipient of one email in an endless loop of notifications? We think tf not.
Do they like Mondays?
We don’t need to tell you that they aren’t normal. It’s obvious. But if they like Wednesdays? Run o!
Do you really want to date someone where you work?
Let’s not even get into how messy it can get. Imagine getting into a fight and then having to sit with them at work for eight hours.
Will they get you in trouble?
Scenes where you’re trying to share your screen in a meeting and accidentally share your folder full of your crush’s pictures. LMAO
