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Running to become the president of a country like Nigeria isn’t a joke — just ask Buhari who tried for 13 years before he won or the man who’s been contesting for 30 years without success.
Four months from today, Nigerians will vote for a new president. But before that decision is made, voters will have to deal with seeing these types of candidates during the campaigns for the 2023 elections.
The motivational speaker
An orator and a master of wordplay who can make even Martin Luther King sweat. This type of candidate claims they grew up with no shoes and sold firewood to spirits in the jungle just so they could feed their family. They’re only in the race to do spoken word poetry and not much else.
The frontrunner
This character is considered a real contestant for the seat. They’re typically a “former something” which is how you know they’ve been around the seat of power before and the presidency is their final infinity stone. If they’re not the candidate of one of the major parties, they have a personal political profile big enough to make them a key player in the contest. Candidates like this hog the news headlines with campaign promises voters know they won’t fulfill.
The placeholder
This one is only in the race so that they can drop out and endorse a frontrunner weeks before the election. Their candidacy is actually a ploy to get a political appointment.
The youngster
This candidate’s only selling point is they’re the youngest in the race and two plus two equals Bitcoin. There’s no campaign structure and no well-outlined plans to deserve being elected; only the audacious arrogance of youth.
The bambiala hustler
You can be forgiven for thinking this candidate is the CEO of an NGO because all they do during the campaign is beg the public for donations, but you never see them do any actual campaigning with it.
The technocrat
This one wants to play politics and win political office without being called a politician. Their entire campaign strategy rests on making voters believe they read one random unknown book that’ll help them fix all of Nigeria’s problems in six months.
The chosen one
This candidate tells anyone who cares to listen that they’re only contesting because God took time out of His busy schedule to appear to them in their dream to inform them they’ll be Nigeria’s next president.
The other chosen one
Even though one candidate already said God personally chose them to be president, this other candidate tells the exact same story. Now, you have to wonder if one or both are lying, or if Nigeria is about to have two serving presidents.
The one who’ll win less than 1,000 votes
This candidate is on the ballot to make up the numbers. Their party really just needed anyone to appear on the ballot to keep up appearances. At least three people in their family won’t even vote for them on election day.
The social media candidate
You only see this candidate’s campaign on social media or in a couple of TV and radio interviews, but you’ll never catch them on the streets or at rallies with actual voters. That’s because running for president is only a side gig and they still have to focus on their daily hustle for urgent ₦2k.
The stat-padder
This candidate is the backbencher of presidential candidates. They’re only in the race so they can put “former presidential candidate” on their CV and brag about it at cocktail parties. They don’t run an actual campaign, rather they remain as invisible as possible. The only reason anyone knows them is they’re on INEC’s list of candidates.
The comedic relief
This candidate provides comedy content for voters to let off steam in the thick of campaigns. They can be anybody from the frontrunner, youngster or the one that’ll end up with votes less than the number of people at a regular Lagos owambe.
It's officially skit season for the 2023 presidential election campaign with Tinubu's proof of life video. pic.twitter.com/ycJu7SfKGp
Listen, no one is humble. We’re just afflicted by a sapandemic, with fake humility being the major side-effect.
Want to know your real self? Just have money and see if you won’t stop tolerating these things.
Nigeria
If the Nigerian government or fellow Nigerian youth start doing anyhow, you can just decide to go on a six-month vacation to the Bahamas.
Generator noise
We’ve not been to Banana Island, but we’re very sure the people there aren’t serenaded by the sound of “I better pass my neighbour” generators.
NEPA/PHCN
No one will ever catch you shouting, “Up NEPA” again. Those days are behind you.
Danfo buses
No more jumping buses and doing advanced calculus with bus conductors.
Rude buka servers
Yes, rudeness is the secret ingredient that makes the amala delicious, but at least you can get it delivered to your home and bypass the rudeness.
Employers
Why work when you can even buy your office? Sure, your money may finish, but that’s not the point.
People who say “Basmatic” rice
Do we even need to explain why you shouldn’t tolerate them? Don’t move with people who’ll draw you back, please.
People, in general
Because it’s your world, and every other person is just living in it.
Internet problems
If your telecoms provider decides to move mad, you can just travel abroad to use their Wi-Fi for a day. Or you can build your own telecoms company.
ATM queues
Gone are the days of “amatyourback” ATM lines where you’d spend hours, only for it to get to your turn and your bank suddenly decides to divorce network.
You may not have Dangote-level money yet, but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate slow and inefficient financial services.
Paga is committed to ensuring your financial transactions are secure and quick. With Paga, you can pay your bills instantly, wherever you are, no stress toleration involved!
This is Zikoko Citizen’s Game of Votes weekly dispatch that helps you dig into all the good, bad, and extremely bizarre stuff happening in Nigeria and why they’re important to you.
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Anyone who envies the job of the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) is a bloody liar. Every four years, the commission coordinates a national election involving tens of millions of voters spread across 774 local government areas in Nigeria.
And considering the dire consequences of messing up an election, we’d say INEC’s job isn’t the easiest in the world. Some of us can’t even organise a house party without a guest peeing in the kitchen sink.
[Image source: Shutterstock]
With the scale of INEC’s task, it’s unsurprising that there are problems. For example, Nigerian elections have suffered from violent acts like ballot snatching and voter intimidation for as long as anyone remembers.
But another problem that has prominently hampered Nigerian elections is vote-buying. Party agents target vulnerable voters at the polls and pay them to vote for their candidates.
This culture cheapens the democratic process and boosts the victory chances of only the unworthy and desperate. But INEC has a solution for that vote-buying problem ahead of the 2023 elections: secret agents.
[Image source: Zikoko Memes]
One of INEC’s core strategies to clamp down on vote-buying is to unleash spies on polling units. These James Bond wannabes are plain-clothed security officers deployed to catch vote-buyers and sellers. But INEC won’t stop there.
The agency is also repositioning voting cubicles to make it easier for voters to cast secret ballots. This creates a trust issue between buyers and sellers as a vote-buyer can’t confirm that the seller is voting in the direction agreed between both parties. And if you’re thinking, “That’s what phone cameras are for, duh,” INEC also plans to forbid voters from taking their mobile phones into the voting cubicles.
[Image source: Zikoko Memes]
Vote-buying is a very serious problem for Nigeria’s democratic process. The nation’s laws already criminalise the buying and selling of votes with a maximum fine of ₦500,000, 12 months imprisonment or both. But this isn’t enough to deter politicians from buying the conscience of voters.
However, INEC’s James Bond plan won’t be enough to limit vote-buying. As a voter on election day, when you see something at a polling booth, say something. Your future depends on it.
What else happened this week?
Ethiopia withdraws red carpet treatment for Nigerian travellers
[Image source: Zikoko Memes]
Nigerians must be crowned the eighth wonder of the world with all the shege that we use our eyes to see as citizens of Nigeria. This week, the Ethiopian government announced that Nigerians have to apply for a visa before they hop on a plane to visit their — let’s not forget — very war-torn country. Before this announcement, Nigerians could jump on that plane first and get a visa on arrival there.
Ethiopia didn’t even dignify Nigeria with an explanation for why it made this decision, but the same restriction applies to 41 other countries mainly in Africa and South America. At least we can say it’s not only us, but this isn’t about just Ethiopia. The country’s action continues a worrying trend of visa restrictions hurting Nigerians.
In September, the United Arab Emirates (UAE) reviewed its visa regime and stopped issuing tourist visas to Nigerians under the age of 40 years, except for those applying for family visas. Earlier in July, Turkey also barred Nigerian applicants from accessing the e-visa provisions and they didn’t even bother to announce it. Nigerians need answers as their movement around the world is made harder by the colour of their passports.
Let my people go! [Image source: Zikoko Memes]
In times like this, you have to wonder what the Minister of Foreign Affairs is doing, and we assure you his name isn’t Abike Dabiri-Erewa.
What’s the single most important thing you think Buhari needs to do before he leaves office next year?
Click here to tweet your answer to @ZikokoCitizen on Twitter.
Ehen, one more thing…
It’s only months until the 2023 general elections and Governor Babajide Sanwo-Olu announced salary increments for civil service workers in Lagos State. You’re not sleek Cousin Jide. We know vote-buying when we see it.
On October 11th, 2022, President Buhari will host a ceremony at the Aso Rock Villa to confer national honours on 437 recipients. These honours are the nation’s most premium, the kind that you win and can legitimately use “Do you know who I am?” unprovoked in an argument with a random stranger.
These national honours are a recognition of meritorious service to Nigeria, mostly for Nigerians but also awarded to some outstanding foreigners.
For example, one of the recipients of this year’s honours is the late Dr Stella Adadevoh who courageously limited the spread of Ebola in Nigeria in 2014. Another recipient is Abdullahi Abubakar, an imam who hid and protected 262 Christians from being killed during a religious crisis in Plateau State in 2018. Josephine Agu, an airport cleaner who returned $12,200 she found in a toilet, will also receive the honour.
Some public officeholders also get these honours by default. But if there’s anything to expect about a national honours list, it’s that everyone can’t agree that every recipient deserves it. And there are some names on Buhari’s list that have raised eyebrows, but first…
What are the Nigerian national honours?
Here’s a list of the national honours Buhari is awarding Nigerians — and seven foreigners — this year.
1. Grand Commander of the Niger (GCON)
2. Commander of the Order of the Federal Republic (CFR)
3. Commander of the Order of the Niger (CON)
4. Officer of the Order of the Federal Republic (OFR)
5. Officer of the Order of the Niger (OON)
6. Member of the Order of the Federal Republic (MFR)
7. Member of the Order of the Niger (MON)
8. Federal Republic Medal I (FRM I)
9. Federal Republic Medal II (FRM II)
These are some of the award recipients raising eyebrows
Ogbonnaya Onu for CON
This man has been the Nigerian Minister of Science and Technology since 2015 and it’s impossible to say he’s covered himself in glory.
In 2016, unprovoked, Onu promised that Nigeria would hack the local production of pencils within two years. Six years later and his promise has entered voicemail alongside the 400,000 new jobs he promised.
We didn’t ask for flying cars or landing a Nigerian on the moon o. Ordinary local pencil production and he didn’t deliver, so why does he deserve a CON?
Adamu Adamu for CON
This man supervised some of the worst ASUU strikes in Nigeria’s history, so who was he really serving to deserve a CON? And to award him at a time when university students have been sitting at home for over eight months is just rubbing salt into the wound.
Mamman Daura for CON
Mamman Daura is also getting a CON for being an “elder statesman”, but you may remember him as Buhari’s nephew. Blood isn’t just thicker than water; it can also get you a national award.
Sabi’u Yusuf for OON
Sabi’u Yusuf is another awardee with blood ties to the president and it’s just easy at this point to call this the Buhari family honours list. Yusuf also serves as Buhari’s personal assistant and was once involved in a confrontation with the first lady, Aisha Buhari, that resulted in a gun discharge inside Aso Rock Villa. Being the president’s favourite young nephew gets you an OON.
Femi Adesina
For all the years of talking down on Nigerians and calling Buhari “the ramrod straight man” one too many times, Femi Adesina, the president’s vuvuzela, is also being rewarded with an OON.
The Federal Government has disowned the list of award recipients reported by the media and promised to release the authentic list when appropriate. But we’ll all see on October 11th, won’t we?
In 2012, Nigeria lost 431 people to flooding incidents that also displaced 1.2 million people across 30 states. The flooding disaster affected over seven million people with losses estimated at ₦2.6 trillion. The 2012 floods were the worst Nigeria had seen in 40 years and no other year has touched the hem of its garment since then, until 2022.
[Image source: Reuters/Afolabi Sotunde]
For months, many communities in Nigeria have received August visitors in the form of destructive floods. These floods have forced thousands of people out of their homes.
No Noah’s ark. Only Governor Yahaya Bello of Kogi State in a canoe with his film crew
Who’s affected?
The National Emergency Management Agency (NEMA) reported that 33 Nigerian states recorded flood incidents between January and August 2022. These incidents affected 508,000 people, including 372 that died. NEMA also reported at least 277 people were injured during these floods. The devastation destroyed 37,633 homes and caused the loss of livestock. But the figures NEMA reported aren’t even close to the devastation state officials have reported.
[Image source: AP Photo]
Since that September report, major flooding incidents occurred in nine local government areas in Kogi State, displacing over 50,000 people in one local government area alone.
Anambra State also reported the displacement of 651,053 people after floods submerged houses, farmlands, schools, health centres, police stations and other critical infrastructure.
The floods also affected over 31,000 people over the course of six months and displaced 6,592 residents across 255 communities in Yobe State. The incidents resulted in the death of 75 people and the destruction of houses and livestock worth millions of naira.
At least seven people were reported dead when flash floods affected many communities in Lagos State in July. In August, more than 50 people lost their lives in floods triggered by heavy rainfalls in dozens of communities in Jigawa State. In the same month, at least 10 people died and thousands were displaced in flood incidents in Adamawa State. More than 3,000 people were displaced in Jabilamba community alone.
[Image source: Twitter/@AlejiOjay]
The Bayelsa State government recently announced what it called “a flood break” for schools to shut down while water levels recede. This break will last for six weeks between October and November. The goal of the break is to safeguard the lives of teachers and students living in the predominantly riverine areas of the state.
Tragic flood incidents have also been recorded in Borno, Ebonyi, Rivers, Niger, Nasarawa, Kebbi, Bauchi, Taraba, Delta, Kano, Gombe, Benue, Cross River and the Federal Capital Territory (FCT). Everywhere floods have shown up across Nigeria, there’s chaos.
What’s causing the flooding?
Nigeria’s struggle with flooding this year isn’t much of a surprise to authorities as it was covered in the 2022 Seasonal Rainfall Prediction report released in February by the Nigerian Meteorological Agency (NIMET).
[Source: Twitter/@aliyusadiq_gky]
Many of the affected states have been hit by flash floods caused by heavy rainfall, especially in communities close to water bodies. But the most recent flooding incidents have worsened with the September 13 release of excess water from Lagdo Dam in Cameroon. The excess water travels through the River Benue and its tributaries to wreak havoc on riverine communities in Nigeria. Nigerian officials expect the effect of the release from the dam to last till the end of October.
The release of excess water from Kiri Dam in Adamawa is having the same effect on the crisis. The Nigeria Hydrological Services Agency (NIHSA) has also warned that the overflowing of the inland reservoirs in Nigeria including Kainji, Jebba, and Shiroro dams will worsen the severity of the floods until the end of October.
1. Enlightenment of people in at-risk communities.
2. Proper channeling of water bodies.
3. Providing temporary shelters for displaced people.
4. Providing relief items for the victims.
[Image source: NEMA]
How citizens can help to reduce flooding
Outside of what the government should do to prevent future flood disasters, citizens can ease the flooding crisis by
1. Not blocking waterways with garbage.
2. Always clearing drainages.
3. Not constructing buildings on waterways.
4. Vacating to safer, higher grounds, for those living along river banks.
[Source: Tribune]
The floods haven’t only claimed lives and displaced tens of thousands of Nigerians, but also devastated communities and socioeconomic activities. When the invasive floods eventually recede, Nigerians should demand answers from all levels of government on why they didn’t do more to prevent a foretold crisis.
The time of the year when you meet all your “I Just Got Back” (“IJGB”) friends and go to clubs, concerts and just have a nice time. But please don’t get carried away because of their newly acquired accents.
I want to know how and why Nigerian grandmothers always have money. Be grateful for the wealth of these senior babes because it’s probably the reason your family bounced back from all of Nigeria’s recessions.
Twitter
When Bubu decided to ban Twitter, it was a difficult period for all of us. But now it’s back, you can be thankful for the privilege of being dragged for no reason, or you can be thankful for all the unhinged and funny stuff you see daily.
Dino Melaye
This man is a case, but at this point, we cannot think of a world without him and his clownery. Only Dino can jump out of a police vehicle and hawk groundnuts — and he’s not even contesting in elections yet.
Nigerians love BBNaija season because it reminds them of the chaos and suffering of their day-to-day lives. Eating indomie? Fighting for daily bread?
But at least someone gets to go home with ₦100m
Garri
After Jesus, garri saves. No matter how broke you are, garri is always there for you.
Okada
Going everywhere in Uber is a lifestyle only tech people can afford. The rest of us? (except people in Lagos sha) will take Uber the day we’re feeling bougie and okada the rest of the week. The way the okada guy is riding might kill you, but living in
Nigeria is already extreme sports. What’s a little danger to you, child of the soil?
Generator
We need to be thankful generators exist because the day God said, “Let there be light,” NEPA officials responded with, “Aired dfkm.”
This one is for Nigerian parents. Nigerian mothers should be thankful to the founders of Whatsapp and Facebook because how else would they know that ginger and garlic cures coronavirus?
Korean movies
The love Nigerians have for K-drama is beyond anybody and everybody. Even if you don’t watch K-dramas, you’ve probably heard of BOYS OVER FLOWERS, CITY HUNTER, THE HEIRS and if you don’t know them, then you probably live under a rock.
Plantain is one of the baddest bitches of Nigerian food. She’s a versatile queen, and she deserves more credit than she gets. Plantain can be boiled, fried, roasted and some people even eat it raw. Rice could never.
Fuji Music
You cannot say you’re Yoruba and not be thankful for Fuji music. The day Fuji was born was the day Yoruba people were born. If you want to impress your Yoruba in-laws, just play Fuji music for them; they’ll love you!
Nigerian wedding after-parties
If you’ve never been to a Nigerian wedding after-party, please add it to your bucket list. I don’t know if it’s the endless flow of alcohol or the DJs or the hype men, but there’s something about them. Maybe it’s the fact that the aunties who usually annoy you are too busy having fun to be on your case.
Nigerian aunties
Apart from the fact that they don’t mind their business or that they’ll complain to your parents about your ashawo gowns, they’re actually not so bad. They give you money, sometimes-sound advice, and will come through when you really need them — even though half the time, they’re reasons why you needed a come-through anyway.
If there’s one thing that’s infinitely funny about workplaces, it’s how you can be a Gen Z leading a team of baby boomers and millennials. Like an unknown wise woman said, “Skill is seniority at work. Keep your age in your pocket.”
Asking for my age and subtly telling me I’m your last child’s agemate won’t stop me from responsibly delegating tasks as at and when due. You’ll do that work you’re getting paid to do ma🤭🤗
Even if you aren’t currently in this situation, you may experience it one day, so you should prepare your mind for these things.
So, you just got a fantastic new job with a salary that looks like it can last two months
Finally securing the bag. Purrr.
Only for you to resume to see old faces everywhere
Wait first, these people look like they can give birth to me o.
You start getting used to calling them by name
Even though your Nigerian mother’s by-force home training makes you feel like you’re committing a sin.
You may be lucky to work with the cool ones…
The ones who are more interested in ensuring the work is done and couldn’t give a rat’s ass who’s older than who.
Or the ones who’ll carry it on their head
These ones will forever have a hard time understanding why oga is a “small child” and will try multiple ways to undermine you.
They’ll try the “I’ve been working for 20 years” card
Yes, we know you’ve been working here even before I was born, but kindly work on this task I’m delegating to you. You know, a job you’re being paid to do?
They’ll play the age card
Nobody:
Them: Oh, you’re 25? My last child is 27 years old.
How’s that my business?
They may try to teach you your work…
Sure, it’s great to learn from more… experienced colleagues, but there’s a reason you’ve been hired to bring innovative ideas. So, innovate.
Or they make you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing
Nobody:
Them: You want to cut down on hard copy reports? I hope this won’t lead to complicated processes sha.
But you should never doubt yourself
It’s very easy to develop imposter syndrome when you’re the youngest person on a team, or managing a bunch of older people. Don’t. You’re darn good at what you do, and don’t stop believing it.
You’ve heard of online dating sites — you may have even tried one or two. But they didn’t work out because you’re obviously reading this article hoping to find a way to finally secure the bone of your bones.
Fret not. I’ve compiled a list of Christian dating sites where you’ll only meet people who may think twice before running you street.
All sites listed are legitimate, but remember to stay safe.
1. Nigerian Christian Singles
The first thing you’ll see on this website is the statement, “We aren’t just a dating site.” The social dating platform identifies as an online Christian community of people who share the same religious beliefs and values.
How to get started
One thing I like about this site is, it’s pretty straightforward. All you need to do is visit the site and sign up. Only registered users are allowed to view other users’ profiles.
There are also a number of success stories on the site, just so you know they aren’t new in this business.
Don’t you also want to shout with happiness like this?
How it works
Basic membership is free, with access to send and receive a limited number of messages per month on the site. To send unlimited messages, you’ll need to get the VIP membership.
The site also has a detailed FAQ section for vital information you need to know before setting up a profile, including safety tips for prospective users.
NCS be like: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you o”
2. Agape Christian Singles
This site claims to be committed to maintaining Biblical values and offering users a “smut-free dating site”, according to their “About Us” section.
Maybe it’s why this important notice is the first thing you’ll see when you visit the site.
How to get started
You can use the quick search feature to filter users based on your specs, but you’ll need to register as a user on the site before you can view anyone’s profile. It’s also relatively straightforward.
How it works
Membership is free, and anyone can have access to the site. They also included some dating tips for users and terms and conditions which I doubt most people will ever read.
Even though this online community was created by the Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG) Europe Mainland Mission, it’s open to the RCCG global community aka everywhere in the world. According to the site, it’s “exclusively for Christian singles, widows, widowers and unmarried people with serious intent to get married within a year or two upon enlisting as a member.”
How to get started
Much like the other sites, prospective users can sign up to use the site for free, and can only view the profile of others after registration.
How it works
There are two membership levels — silver and gold. Silver membership is free and comes with the feature to start chat dialogues with members. However, you need to drop money to access the site’s full features (which the site doesn’t expressly clarify). Think foreign currency.
The site also features a detailed FAQ section to guide prospective members.
4. ConnectNow
The RCCG also created this online community, but this time around, it’s specifically for Nigerians. Created by a branch of the church, the City of David Parish in Lagos, it’s meant to connect single Christians in the country.
According to the memorandum of understanding, every user must conduct independent background checks before connecting with another user on the platform. There’s also no mention of payment for access, so go forth and secure your spouse, free of charge.
It’s official that Nigeria’s current senate president, Ahmad Lawan, won’t be on the ballot for re-election to the Senate in 2023. Lawan has been a member of the National Assembly since 1999 living the Nigerian dream: getting credit alerts from the Nigerian treasury.
Unfortunately, for him, his early retirement isn’t by choice. In June 2022, Lawan contested for his political party’s ticket for the Nigerian presidency but lost. To console himself, he went back to pick the ticket for his Senate seat but someone else already won it and refused to let it go. The long and short of Lawan’s sad tale is he tried to have his cake and eat it but it was poisoned.
Lawan’s absence from the next roster of the National Assembly is notable because he’s the second successive senate president who’s failed to win re-election. This made us curious enough to check on how senate presidents have performed since 1999, and we found a very interesting trend of village people at work.
Let’s run down the list.
Evan Enwerem, 1999 — 1999
Evan Enwerem served as Nigeria’s first senate president in the Fourth Republic but he didn’t even finish the interior decoration of his office when a committee started investigating him for corruption.
Lawmakers accused him of falsifying his age and academic qualifications and there was a dispute over if his name was “Evans” or “Evan”. They said:
Five months into his reign as senate president, 90 lawmakers voted to impeach Enwerem. Even though he kept his seat as a senator for the remainder of his four-year term, he didn’t return for another one.
Chuba Okadigbo, 1999 — 2000
Okadigbo lost the first senate presidency election to Enwerem but won on his second attempt after Enwerem got booted out of the position.
But like his predecessor, Okadigbo also lasted only a short time in the position. 81 senators voted to impeach him nine months into his tenure, over allegations of gross abuse of public office. They accused him of personal enrichment including having 32 official vehicles and spending more than $120,000 over the budget authorised for furnishing his official residence.
He contested the 2003 presidential election as a running mate to Muhammadu Buhari and lost. He never returned to the Senate.
Anyim Pius Anyim, 2000 — 2003
Anyim Pius Anyim took over as senate president after Okadigbo’s exit. He led an unsuccessful attempt to impeach President Olusegun Obasanjo and survived an attempt by other lawmakers to impeach him too. He didn’t contest for re-election to the Senate in 2003 because his clash with Obasanjo dampened his chances of victory.
Adolphus Wabara, 2003 — 2005
Adolphus Wabara became Nigeria’s senate president at the start of his second term as a senator in 2003. But he resigned from the office two years later, after the Obasanjo administration publicly indicted him over a ₦55 million bribery scandal.
He battled the allegations in court for years and never returned to the Senate when his second term ended in 2007.
Ken Nnamani, 2005 — 2007
Ken Nnamani became the senate president as a first-term senator after Wabara’s resignation in 2005. He remained senate president till 2007 but never returned for another term.
David Mark, 2007 — 2015
David Mark was the first senator in Nigeria’s Fourth Republic to break the senate president’s jinx. After serving two terms in the Senate, he became its president in his third term in 2007 and won re-election in 2011. He couldn’t retain his senate president seat in 2015 because his party lost the majority in the Senate, but he remained a senator till 2019.
Bukola Saraki, 2015 — 2019
After one term as a senator, Bukola Saraki schemed his way to becoming the senate president in 2015. He escaped impeachment moves against him to retain the seat until 2019, but he lost his re-election bid.
Ahmad Lawan, 2019 — 2023
Like most of the other senate presidents on this list, Lawan is facing an unplanned retirement from the Senate just after assuming the top seat. After 24 years in the National Assembly, he’s finally bowing out, reluctantly.
If there’s anything this trend shows, it’s that once you’re a Nigerian senate president, your days in the national assembly are numbered. That’s something for the next senate president to chew on.
On May 29th, 2023, Muhammadu Buhari will hand over his trials and tribulations as Nigeria’s president to a new landlord of Aso Rock Villa.
He’s already delivered his last speech at the United Nations’ General Assembly (UNGA) and his last boring pre-recorded Independence Day speech as he approaches the end of his second term. But before he leaves, it’s important that he ticks certain boxes, from fulfilling promises he made before he became president to random stuff we think needs closure.
These are the seven things we expect Buhari to do over the next seven months before he leaves Aso Rock Villa.
Lift 100 million people out of poverty
Nigeria is home to one of the largest populations of poor people in the world. It’s why many young people are trying to japa to escape sapa. Buhari’s mishandling of the economy is responsible for the mess. In reaction to the worrying population of poor people, he made an ambitious promise in 2019 to lift 100 million Nigerians out of poverty before he leaves office.
With only seven months left, the president needs to show us the 100 million people he lifted out of poverty, their addresses, genotypes and next of kin.
Actually end Boko Haram
When the Nigerian government postponed the 2015 elections due to the activities of Boko Haram terrorists in the northeast region, Buhari wasn’t a big fan of the decision. This was his reaction.
Since he’s been president, he’s declared many false and premature victories over Boko Haram and has been left with eggs on his face. Boko Haram’s terrorism may have significantly decreased over the past seven years of Buhari’s reign, but the group still has fighting power and exists as the Islamic State West African Province (ISWAP). It’d be a shame if the terrorist group outlasts the president after all the mouth he’s made.
Buhari needs to close that terrorism chapter of Nigeria’s history before he returns to Daura.
Repay his gbese
With Buhari at the wheel, Nigeria’s total public debt shot up from ₦12.1 trillion in 2015 to ₦42.9 trillion in June 2022. The more he borrowed, the more he pushed for debt forgiveness or cancellation at every international meeting with world leaders, including at his last UNGA in September 2022.
And since no one’s interested in cancelling the debt Buhari helped Nigeria rack up, he has to figure out a way to repay in the seven months he has left.
Return foreign exchange rate to where he met it
The Buhari campaign made many eye-catching campaign promises in 2015, and one of the spiciest was the promise to make ₦1 the same value as $1.
But that same naira currently trades at over ₦700 to $1, seven years after he promised to do magic.
At this point, we don’t even want him and Meffy to do magic again; just return the naira’s value to where he met it in 2015.
Do a live interview
For the most part of his presidency, Buhari has avoided live interviews like a plague.
He’s settled for pre-recorded speeches read off teleprompters and a rare couple of interviews with journalists that were cut and joined together inside a studio.
Buhari should indulge Nigerians and do just one live interview before he leaves office. We want to check something.
Be treated by a Nigerian doctor
Improving healthcare in Nigeria was another one of the promises that stood out during Buhari’s campaign in 2015. But Nigerians saw his true colours when he assumed office and left even his own State House clinic to rot while he fled to the United Kingdom to treat headaches and whatever kept him there for three months in 2017.
Buhari has clung stubbornly to the claim that he can’t be treated by anyone but his UK-based doctors. But just before he retires, we’re going to need him to receive medical care — even if it’s paracetamol — from a Nigerian doctor.
Call Abacha a thief
Everyone and their grandchild know who Abacha is — a thief who stole billions of dollars from Nigeria’s treasury and died before he could spend the loot. And despite the fact his government has recovered millions of dollars stolen by Abacha, Buhari has failed to retract his past comments that his old friend never stole Nigeria’s money. We’re going to need him to eat those humble pies on national TV before he drops the mic and retires to Daura.
Elections are nothing without voters, just like an owambe without an abundant display of overpriced aso-ebi.
More than 90 million Nigerian voters will have the opportunity to elect Nigeria’s next set of leaders in February and March 2023. What are all the types of voters we expect to see and which one are you?
The recruiting voter
This person is always actively trying to recruit more voters for their preferred candidate before the election.
The fear-fear voter
This one won’t leave their house on election day because they’re afraid of electoral violence in their area.
The veteran voter
This person has been voting since 1999 and is proud to let everyone know they never voted for Buhari the entire time.
The audio voter
This person only has a PVC to use as an identification card and won’t leave their bed on election day except for food.
The party loyalist
This person will vote for anyone their party puts on the ballot from top to bottom even if the candidates are suspected drug dealers, known thieves, bigots or even dogs named Bingo.
The glory hunter
This one will only vote for the candidate they think has the best chance of winning so they can brag at owambes that they put the person in office.
The vote-seller
This voter doesn’t care who becomes the president and is only at the polling unit to make money from vote-buyers. They’re likely to end up in prison because it’s a crime to buy and sell votes.
The reluctant voter
This voter thinks all Nigerian politicians are the same and not worth their vote but feels responsible enough to vote for whoever they think is the least toxic of the candidates.
The procrastinating voter
This voter takes all the time in the world to decide who to vote for and isn’t 100% sure until they have the ballot paper in their hand.
The first-time voter
This one either just reached the voting age of 18 or is a 40-year-old cargo who’s only just accepted the civic responsibility to vote in an election for the first time. Everyone will hear about their first experience and about how they made the best choice.
The waiting-to-japa voter
This voter is giving Nigeria one last chance to elect the leader they think is the right one and is ready to leave the country if they don’t have their way. You can trust them to tweet, “Election has consequences,” from abroad every time the national grid collapses in Nigeria.
The investigative voter
This one wants to know who everyone in their neighbourhood voted for just to start arguments.
The coconut head voter
This voter won’t run home after voting. They’ll stick around to see the votes are counted properly, to avoid stories that touch.
The failed-by-INEC voter
This voter registered but didn’t get their PVC from INEC before the election. They now have to watch from the sidelines as others decide their future for them.
For many young Nigerians, especially those with strict parents, moving out and gaining your freedom may be the only legit thing to look forward to in adulting.
But what happens when, for whatever reason, you have to move back in with your parents after getting a taste of freedom? And no, I’m not referring to the fake one where you move out for university but your parents still foot your bills.
I’m talking about moving back in after you’ve lived in the real world on your own. Are there changes to the relationship dynamics? I asked five people who’ve experienced this, and got interesting responses.
“I’m this close to breaking down”
— Fatima*, 29
I got separated from my abusive husband around December 2021 and moved back in with my parents (I’m still with them). My dad has been really supportive — he was the one who encouraged me to choose my life over marriage — but my mum is a whole other issue.
She doesn’t outrightly say anything, but I can tell she wishes I’d stayed with my husband. She’s steady dropping passive-aggressive hints. I work from home, so I’m always with her too. If I stay in the study for more than 30 minutes, she’ll start murmuring about how she’s the only one caring for the house, or how idle hands always cause trouble.
I’m honestly tired. I’m currently trying to save up as much as possible to rent my own place before I lose my mind.
I moved back in with my parents four months ago, after I was forcibly kicked out of my apartment because I owed rent. I had just lost my job, and finance was really tight. I struggled to share it with my parents, but they eventually found out and basically forced me to move back home.
I thought it’d be awkward, but it’s actually been great. My parents relate with me like friends — I guess this is because I’m now an adult — and they respect my space. I’m slowly getting my finances together and should get another place soon, but it’s not been bad.
“They respect me more”
— Olaedo*, 27
I moved back in with my parents in 2020 just before the lockdown, because I wanted to spend that period with them. The short stay eventually became somewhat permanent when I got laid off, and I eventually got another job close to my parent’s house in 2021.
I’ve noticed that they respect me more. They don’t police my decisions, and they seek out my input on important matters. The only side effect is, my mum wants me to get married tomorrow.
“Black tax wants to kill me”
— Gifty*, 26
I decided not to renew my rent in 2021 because my roommate got married, and I couldn’t afford it by myself. So, I had the bright idea to move back in with my parents and cut costs for a while.
Omo, it’s hard. My parents see me as an adult, which is true, but it means they expect me to provide for the house. I know I’m supposed to help out, but not to this extent, biko. Plus, I have younger siblings. Do the math.
“I feel like a part of their marriage”
— Dayo*, 27
I returned to Nigeria in April [2022] after spending six years in the UK, and decided to stay with my parents for a while.
It’s cool and all, but it suddenly made me realise their marriage isn’t as perfect as I thought it was. Now when they have issues, they take turns reporting each other to me, expecting me to take a side. I guess they feel like I’m old enough to take it, but I’d rather not be involved.
Subscribe to the SHIPS newsletter today for more stories that touch on everything about love, romance, sex, and basically every human relationship.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 28-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about writing as a form of therapy, being a Christian in a staunch Muslim home and raising 17 cats.
What’s one thing that makes you happy right now?
Right now? Writing.
It was a huge part of my life until I had a four-year writer’s block. A few weeks ago, I started writing again, and I can feel myself becoming lighter. I still haven’t gotten my groove back, but knowing that writing isn’t completely lost to me makes me happy.
Of course, being around my family makes me happy too, but writing adds a layer of self-fulfillment.
How so?
When I had writer’s block in 2018, I almost prayed for death because I was tired of living. I’ve started writing again, and it gives me something to look forward to when I wake up. Sometimes, I hate getting sleepy because it means I have to stop.
I don’t even write to get my books published or anything. I just have so many stories in my head, and I love bringing them to life. It’s like I get to create my own world, and even if it’s just for a little while, I can live in it.
What do you write about, and how did you get into writing?
I started out of boredom. It was the first week of senior secondary school in 2007, and I was sitting in class doing nothing. I picked up a pen, took one of my school books and started writing a story. It was romance, but there were some elements of my life in it. When I was done, for some reason, my classmates liked reading it. So I wrote more.
After a while, it stopped being about boredom and became my every waking and sleeping thought. I would dream storylines and be inspired by everything and everyone around me. I even wrote a three-book series about my best friend that I hope will become a TV series someday.
You were on a roll. So when did the writer’s block happen?
After I met Christ in 2012, I wanted my writing to include my faith, but it was so difficult. I was used to writing your typical romance so switching to gospel was like learning how to drive an automatic car and suddenly having to go manual.
I refused to write anything else, but what I wanted to write seemed beyond me. Coincidentally, I was really busy with university, and then law school. A lot of things were happening at the same time, so writing sort of fell away from me. By the time I settled into adulthood, I realised I couldn’t write like before. I’m so glad that’s over now.
Me too. How did you shake the block?
I prayed about it a lot. I told God why I wanted to write, that I believe He gave me the talent as a means to tell people about Christ. I apologised for burying my talent because of my law pursuit and just let Him know I was desperate. After some time, the characters started speaking to me again.
Were you always Christian or did you just convert in 2012?
I was born into a Muslim family, so I’ve always been religious. I even used to represent my Arabic school in competitions. But I attended a Catholic primary school so I also had a deep knowledge of the Christian faith. I was okay with both religions.
When I was 16, I started spending time with a girl who lived in my area, and we talked about God a lot. She opened me up to things I thought I knew about Christ, and when I realised the difference between Islam and Christianity, I had to make a choice. I chose Christ then, but it was years before I truly understood what it meant.
What do you mean?
I later had the opportunity to study several religions at OAU. I literally got accepted for a degree in religious studies instead of the law I applied for. So I studied Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism and many others, and it was just one religion that had a God who loved me so much He was willing to die for me.
Others kept asking me to do things to attain “paradise”, but Christ was the only one saying, “You don’t have to do anything. In fact, there’s nothing you CAN do, so I’ve done it all. All you gotta do is believe me.” Only one religion had a God who called me His own child. The choice was between sonship and servanthood, and I chose to be a son.. Or daughter, in my case.
And how did your family take it?
I haven’t officially told my parents I’m a Christian yet, but they know. Everyone knows. My actions, words and very life reflect Christ. My big sister also attended OAU, so some people told her about it.
I’ve told my younger siblings because we have a close relationship, and I can tell them anything. At first, they were confused and wanted to know why I couldn’t just “be a Muslim”, but I explained how I felt, and they cheered me on.
What about your parents?
In the beginning, it wasn’t funny. They were all over me all the time like, “You were born into a Muslim family. It’s only someone who’s greedy and wants what other people have that’ll decide they want to step out of their own religion.” They would sit me down, and pray and fast.
So what’s writing post-block been like?
I finally found a balance. I still write romance, but now, every word is a conscious effort to reach out to someone and say, “You’ll be okay.” I’ve finally gotten to the point where the ideas that swim in my head are the ones that’ll heal people. And I can finally breathe.
Do you write for a living now?
No. I haven’t gone into it because I’m scared. I’ve been writing for a long time, but I just enjoy sharing my books with friends and discussing them. Lately, they’ve been pushing me to “let the world see”. I’m scared the world won’t be as kind as they are.
I’m scared of the day someone will tell me, “Your books aren’t actually that good” or “This is trash”. I’m scared I won’t recover from it, and it’ll take away my love for writing. Right now, I hear a lot of “This is good. This is great. You write well. The storyline is perfect”. And that’s good enough for me.
A while ago, I published the first book I wrote after my writer’s block, but I refused to post the link so people won’t see it. I just like going back to the site to look at it. Maybe as a birthday present to myself at the end of the year, I’ll finally share.
What do you do at times like this when you’re unsure of yourself, or just sad?
I think of a bright future. Lately, I’ve been thinking I want to settle down, get married and have two to five kids. I’d like to move into my own house with my husband and start living my own life. Apart from that, in the presence of God, there’s fullness of joy. So when I start to feel sad, I remember I dwell in His presence. I listen to music and play with my cats.
Cats?
Yes, I have cats. I have a lot of cats. Well, not anymore. I’m down to two now, but once upon a time, I had 17 cats at once. My dad was going to send all of us out of the house like “I can only live with one: human beings or cats.” Lol.
Oh wow. How did you handle 17 cats?
It was overwhelming but also easy because cats are fiercely independent. They love to do everything themselves unlike dogs. They clean themselves and some of them love to stay outside. They also don’t make noise at all. The only problem is when you have kittens and they start to pee on your couch. My parents tried to kidnap and give out one of my cats once, and it actually crawled all the way back home the next day. The older cats started dying, and we started selling off the kittens.
Omg. Do you feel alienated from your family at all?
My whole life revolves around my family. I work for my dad so we spend a lot of time together, and we’ve gotten closer. I’m his lawyer. I handle the administration of his real estate company. He likes to involve me in the construction side, so I visit his sites too. Then I go from work back home.
When I go out, I go with my siblings. We go everywhere together. Last time, we went to this Korean festival, and it was so much fun. We had Korean food, drank boba tea and sang K-pop songs. We all love to hang out together, and our differing religions don’t affect that. We are our own friends and sounding boards. If something happens at work with my dad, I report to my mom and siblings, and he reports me to them too.
Most people don’t like working with their parents. What’s it like for you?
I mean, some people ask if I intend to leave. But I don’t want to. I think of it as a permanent job, you know, a family business. At the end of the day, my dad hopes to retire and wants to have someone who already knows the business. I’m learning a lot really fast. I think it’s giving him the confidence that if he decides to take a break, everything will be okay.
I’ve been working with him for almost two years now, and I’m used to almost everything. The workers and staff, everyone is used to me. We hope the rest of my siblings join too. My youngest sister is studying architecture, but if she doesn’t want to come into the business, that’s fine too.
Why do I feel like your parents made you study law because you wanted to write?
Funny thing is I didn’t always want to be a lawyer. In primary school, I was called “small lawyer” because I was good at debates. I won all of them. I was small, but I spoke well, so they always involved me in anything to do with speaking. In secondary school, I was put in any competition that involved oratory skills even though I was in science class.
So what did you want to be?
I wanted to be a gynaecologist. I loved pregnant women and the whole process of pregnancy. I have three younger ones, not to mention many nephews and nieces. I’ve seen the pregnancy process from start to end a lot of times, and it amazes me.
I watched my sister move around in the womb and then move around the same way after she was born. My baby brother moved slowly and rarely in the womb. And when he was born, he was so quiet and gentle. I figured our characters are formed from the womb, and I found that fascinating.
I agree. So from gynaecology to law? How did that happen?
I didn’t have the skills to achieve that dream. Oh, my God, physics was hard. After graduation, I didn’t get admission for medicine; I got microbiology. I would’ve had to study microbiology for four years before I could switch to medicine.
Then my dad told me to take GCE for art class because, for some reason, he thought I was a genius and my only options were medicine and law. He also never really supported my decision to be in science class in the first place.
How did you manage such a shift after graduating?
I had to start reading and teaching myself government. Thank God, I did literature throughout secondary school because I loved reading, so it was easy for me. I wrote a second WAEC and did GCE for two different classes in the same year.
I got another admission for microbiology at the same time that I passed my entrance examination into art class pre-degree at OAU. I had to choose between “Microbiology then Medicine” and “pre-degree then law”. I chose pre-degree because it was shorter.
Law, finally, right?
Nope. After the one-year period, I got religious studies and English, which is how I learnt about so many religions. I was going to transfer to mass communication, thinking I would combine my love for writing and speaking. But during my second semester in religious studies and English, ASUU went on a strike that lasted months.
When will ASUU change?
At a point, it seemed there was no end in sight. My mom was like, “Look, all my kids are stuck in school.” My elder sister had been in OAU for years because of the strikes. My parents didn’t want the same thing to happen to me. So my dad said we should move to a private university.
He told me to write entrance exams for law and mass communication. We went to the law department first, I wrote the exam and passed. My mum just said since I’d entered for law, I didn’t need to write the one for mass comm., so we went home. That’s how I ended up studying law.
Talk about fate
In the beginning, I hated it because I had so many friends in OAU. I even had a boyfriend there. I was sad, lonely, and I felt old; I was almost 20 starting over in 100 level where my classmates were 16. But I found the NIFES fellowship, and after a while, I wasn’t sad again.
I learnt a lot while studying law. I saw so much injustice in the cases we had to study, and I told myself, “I would love to do something about this and make sure the people around me don’t suffer this kind of injustice.”
I feel like something changed
In law school, our lecturer made a statement once: practice is not the same thing as theory. I thought he was just being philosophical. But when I graduated, I realised he was right. I thought with my law degree, I could stand up to policemen in the face of police brutality.
But in Nigeria, when a lawyer goes to challenge the police, they can’t go with the confidence and power they taught us in school or you see on TV shows. They have to be subservient. If you want to get anything from the police, if you want your clients to be treated well in custody, if you even want to get police bail, you must be subservient and bribe them.
When I saw this, I was shattered. It wasn’t what I signed up for or imagined when I studied law for how many years of my life? I honestly don’t want to be a lawyer forever. I plan to practice for five years.
What about the family business?
My legal skills will still be applicable there. Right now, I go to court and deal with cases, all of which I’ve won so far. But after some time, we’ll hire a company lawyer for those. I really wish there was more I could do. I feel like a weak lawyer because I don’t have the power and experience to do most of the things I would like to.
I can’t stand up in court to speak against injustice because there are too many rules, from the way you dress and speak to the colour of your hair. While rules are good, people will always mismanage them, and many lawyers and judges do.
Right
Because I don’t have enough backing to get away with whatever, I have to be very careful and tiptoe around the law. I don’t enjoy doing that. I’ve practiced for two years so far. If in three, I can get some footing, I’d continue. If not, I’d just hang up my robe and wig, and do other things.
It kinda feels like the migration gates have been thrown open, and folks are jumping on flights like it’s the last bus to Owerri Main Market on a rainy Friday.
If you’re also planning (or just hoping) to leave the country, you should have these in mind.
The passport office is a scam, and airport staff will tax you
Timilehin, 19
My passport expired while I was in secondary school, so I needed to get a new one for university abroad. I got to know from my mum that the passport office had this system where people were divided into two — priority list, and those they don’t give a fuck about.
Luckily, my parents knew someone at the office, so we were bumped up. I know so many people who had to turn down admissions because they couldn’t get their passports. It’s crazy.
Also, please don’t be seen carrying money up and down at the airport. I left in 2021 but was naive and held dollars openly while trying to check in, and all the customs guys were like, “Drop something for us nau.” Guy, I’m literally your child’s age mate.
Be well informed ahead of your flight
Lara, 25
I left Nigeria in 2021, and this was around the time when COVID-19 was still serious-ish. I had gotten a negative test one week before my departure and assumed I was good to go.
Imagine my shock when I got to the airport and learnt the negative test had to be done 48 hours before my flight. To cut the story short, immigration delayed me for a while, and I had to pay (almost double what I paid for my previous test) to get tested again, plus the tips I had to give the airport guys to help me make sure I didn’t miss my flight. I still had to quarantine when I arrived at my destination.
Always ask questions while planning; don’t let the fear of village people make you keep everything to yourself, only to end up spending extra like I did.
Especially if you’re carrying loads of foodstuff and luggage. I moved to the US in 2019 for my master’s degree. Trust Nigerian mothers, my mum loaded me with foodstuffs sufficient to open a mini Walmart in Texas.
Although we correctly labelled everything and packed everything like our folks abroad had advised us to, these immigration guys delayed us by checking every single thing. Thankfully, my mum made sure I arrived the airport four hours before my flight. If not, I would have cried.
If you’re carrying a lot, make sure to make ample time for any kind of delay.
Corruption is very alive
Chichi, 28
I left the country in 2021, and listen, while I’m all for not pushing certain stereotypes, please still hold cash when dealing with immigration.
I had done the whole passport application process myself online. I remember it was ₦17,500, and all I needed to do afterwards was go to a passport office for my interview and other biometrics. It was supposed to be really straightforward.
Spoiler alert, it wasn’t. I had to pay an officer ₦12,000 extra to “release” the passport. That’s not all. On the day I was leaving, the immigration guys at the airport kept asking me to “bless them”. Be ready to drop something small, so you don’t get delayed unnecessarily.
Start processing your passport six months ahead
Imelda, 30
In a sane world, getting your passport shouldn’t take more than two weeks after completing biometrics and other requirements. But when my mum had to visit me in New Jersey around 2021 to help with my newborn, we saw hell. We had foreseen a delay, so we started the process when I was seven months pregnant. It didn’t change anything.
My mum and siblings kept going back and forth the passport office for about five months before the passport was ready. If it wasn’t an issue with finding her details on the system, it was some information suddenly becoming incorrect. We eventually overcame, and she got here when my baby was three months old.
The passport situation may have improved now, but always start the process early.
You know the Niger River — Nigeria is named after it, and it was “discovered” by a random white explorer, not the locals who lived around it for generations.
What you may not know is Nigeria has dozens of other rivers that have some connection to the Niger River or their own distinctions. Actually, there are 74 rivers in this country — if you’re not counting the one that forms our border with the Benin Republic.
But for World Rivers Day, we focused on the ones with weird names and compiled a list just for you.
Escravos River
The Escravos River is located in southern Nigeria, and the origin of its name is a reminder of a dark time in human history. “Escravos” means “slaves” in Portuguese. The river got that name because it was a hot spot for the slave trade between Nigeria and the United States.
Forcados River
Just like Escravos, Forcados sounds like a Harry Potter spell that strikes the victim with diarrhoea. It’s also the name of a river and a small town in Delta State. It’s hard to tell who’s named after who.
The town once had the longest slave wharf in Africa, built by the Portuguese from whom it got its name.
Nun River
The Nun River is a distant cousin of the Forcados River as they’re both formed at the point where the Niger River splits into two. It’s in Rivers State. Why it’s named Nun is anyone’s guess.
…or maybe it’s Nun of our business
Gulbin Ka River
Gulbin Ka sounds like the name of an evil warlord with a funny laugh, who removes the scalps of his enemies.
Don’t let his appearance fool you
But it’s also the name of a river that originates in Zamfara State and runs into the Niger River.
Rima River
Rima sounds like the name of a woman who left her groom at the altar or the fake identity of someone who’s trying to escape the law or both.
“Rima” actually means “White Antelope” in Arabic and is the name of a river in northern Nigeria.
Komadugu Gana River
Komadugu Gana has to be the name of a conqueror like Alexander the Great. But he didn’t make the history books so naming a river in the Chad Basin after himself was his consolation.
Otamiri River
The Otamiri River in Imo State is named after Ota Miri, a local god. He’s believed to own all the water named after him. We wonder who’d win in a water battle between him and Aquaman.
Every few months, the topic of skin bleaching comes up on Nigerian Twitter. At this point, everyone and their grandmothers should know it has health risks. Yet, it’s still very popular, and while I’d normally chalk it up to people having coconut heads, I came across this tweet.
This may be a sarcastic response, but it points out a desire many have — the desire to glow, to have sunkissed skin, which many attribute to light skin (and may likely also be a reason for the bleaching problem). Is this what good skin means to Nigerians? What do different individuals classify as good skin? I asked seven people, and here’s what they had to say.
“My skin has to give ‘I woke up like this’.”
— Tola, 29
I’m dark-skinned, so I’ll say right away that good skin isn’t determined by the amount of melanin in your body. Good skin, to me, is smooth and looks good without needing make-up or filters.
Good skin means everything to me. I prioritise taking good care of my skin, even over food. I’d rather starve than not have my skincare products. All that matters to me is that my skin colour is perfectly maintained.
“Good skin is high maintenance”
— Oly, 22
I believe good skin should be healthy and without blemishes. I’m prone to dark spots on my face, so I always focus on maintaining an even complexion.
Some may say I’m deliberately using lightening products, but I’m naturally fair, and these products help me stay that way. It’s not cheap, but I guess that’s the price for great skin.
I’ve struggled with my skin since secondary school. I tried everything, even inadvertently lightening my skin, to get rid of acne marks and have an even complexion, but I’m still struggling at best.
I just want to be able to sleep without applying a 10-step skincare regime for the rest of my life just so I don’t have blotchy skin. I just want to be free.
“My skin looks best when there’s this natural glow to it”
— Dany, 23
I’m not a regular make-up person, which means I’m bare-faced most of the time. I’m also light-skinned, and I feel my skin looks best when there’s this natural glow to it.
Of course, the colour of my skin also means I must regularly maintain and protect it from Naija’s sun so I don’t get tanned.
“I feel more confident when my skin is at its clearest”
— Ore, 20
Looking good is good business. I’m not sure how good you’d look with bad skin. I feel more confident when my skin is at its clearest and when I don’t have to rely on Instagram filters when I don’t use make-up.
“Good skin is one colour”
— Favy, 19
Good skin, to me, is simply when you have an even complexion. Not that your face is whiter than a Caucasian’s, and your hand is the colour of Lipton tea. If you’re fair, be fair all over. If you’re dark, be dark all over. That’s all.
Since I discovered skincare, I’ve made sure to totally avoid anything that’ll change the colour of my skin because I figure it can only go downhill from there. I just keep my skin clean and moisturised.
“Good skin is healthy skin”
— Manny, 24
Healthy skin will always look good to me. And that means skin that’s not dry, cracked or peeling.
My skin used to be unhealthy because, as a guy, I didn’t think I had any business with skincare. Let’s just say my skin taught me a lesson. Now, I make sure to stay hydrated and always use sunscreen.
We understand how sad it must feel to live your truth outside of bisexual visibility day. Especially when you feel like your identity isn’t valid and you don’t see enough bisexual representation in mainstream media.
That’s why we’ve come up with seven simple ways to feel less invisible as a bisexual person.
Walk anywhere and take whatever you like
I mean, you’re already invisible so do crime. How will they see you to catch? Walk into that store you’ve been eyeing for months and pick whatever you like. In fact, go to an amala joint and just dish whatever you like, eat and don’t pay. You’re basically untouchable at this point.
Walk up to random people and shout, “It’s just a phase.”
I strongly suggest you make use of a megaphone so it’s more effective. Since everybody thinks it’s okay to tell you how to identify, they should be okay hearing it back too. If you like, set a reminder to send this to random group chats daily. Anything to get the message across. They already think you’re bisexual for attention anyway.
Wear the flag everywhere
It’s a beautiful flag, so buy many yards to sew as many clothes as possible. It’ll call attention to you, and maybe you’ll be more visible. It’ll also make Tunde from bumble stop saying stupid shit like, “Wow, I’ve never met a bisexual in my life”, before proceeding to ask for a threesome.
Since everyone’s favourite pastime is to tell you to pick a side, don’t let them know your next move. Choose yourself instead. As a bisexual person, your dating pool is instantly smaller because queer women think you’d cheat, and the men just want threesomes. Spare yourself all that and date yourself. It can’t get more self-love than that.
Watch music videos that were your bisexual awakening
Like everyone else, there must be one or ten music videos that were your queer awakening. Whether it’s all of Beyonce’s music videos or that one song with Hayley Kiyoko and Kehlani, it’s hard to feel invisible when you’re watching things that make you feel seen.
Take a quiz
You know nothing makes you feel better than a good “How bisexual are you quiz”. Maybe you’ll finally figure it out, or probably not. Because your attraction to both genders might not be equal, and that’s okay.
Watch your favourite shows
I know you watch it for the plot and amazing OST, and not for the two very different characters you have a crush on. When you feel the most invisible, you can always find comfort in romanticising a life where you’re married to both your celebrity crushes.
A very short list of people aren’t allowed to be bad at their jobs — the bartender mixing your drinks, the surgeon giving you a Brazilian Butt Lift (BBL) in Yaba, the tattoo artist trying to spell “gobbledegook” on your forehead and Nigerian police public relations officers (PROs).
The Nigeria Police Force (NPF) already has an image problem with frequent cases of harassment of citizens, extortion, brutalisation and the occasional extra-judicial murder hanging around its neck. The Force is trying to fix that by having its official image launderers PROs sit online to put some make-up on its public profile.
But these tweets prove they’re not currently doing the best job.
Social experiment
I spent thirty seconds at the second. Officer: You be Uber? Me: No. it’s my personal car. Officer: Find me something na. Me: I no get anything. Officer: See as you fine. Find me something na. Me: (silence). Officer: Oya, dey go. 2/6
SP Ben Hundeyin is the spokesperson of the Lagos State Police Command and took time out of his busy schedule to randomly drive through two police checkpoints to prove once and for all that police brutality is widely exaggerated.
At least that’s what his late-night Twitter thread communicated, even though he swears he only did it to… *checks note* prove there are only a few rotten eggs in the Force. And what was his advice to Nigerians who hope to avoid police brutality? Don’t be condescending, don’t be docile, and smile a little bit.
A dash of victim-blaming
Because people give. Why dont kidnappers stop kidnapping? So if you make a crime lucrative, people wil be encouraged to venture into it with impunity. Simple. https://t.co/i57reIXp7B
As the Force spokesperson in Abuja, laundering the image of the NPF is the bread and butter of CSP Olumuyiwa Adejobi, and he tends to take that to the extreme sometimes.
He’s suggested many times that police extortion is rampant only because Nigerians are willingly paying the officers. It certainly has nothing to do with having aggressive officers waving a gun in your face and threatening to stress or end your life if you have nothing for the boys. CSP Adejobi thinks you’re just a rich person throwing money around:
Doctors are rich. My take. Even if the educated can pay to the police on the road, we hav a long way to go… However, d PPROs around d area should take up this case. https://t.co/x8hZMyJ8za
Policemen will not kill u, I know some persons will argue, but they can’t just shoot u, insist to be taken to the Police Station. That way, even without video evidence, they can be traced nd punished if they go against d ethics of the profession. Pls Don’t attack me, just share pic.twitter.com/IGr619G672
Here, Bright Edafe, the image launderer of the Delta State Police Command, tweets like someone that’s never read the news before to understand police officers can indeed just shoot you.
It’s not a very bright tweet, but does he care about your unsolicited opinion?
Our thing my fellow brothers hate to hear is the bitter truth especially when it's coming from a Policeman. Well, i have always been someone that's never afraid of standing by the truth, backlash and criticism is a part of life. I learn from constructive ones and move. pic.twitter.com/SovXzxLIu0
Even if a policeman on uniform slaps a civilian, the civilian has no right to retaliate more so if hes on uniform, its an act of disrespect to Nigeria, to beat an officer on uniform, the disrespect is not to the policeman but to our nation and its a crime as enshrined in https://t.co/csNA8rZLJU
We’d never advocate for Nigerians to assault police officers because it’s a terrible idea, but “disrespect to the nation”? Like the Nigerian philosopher, Alexander Abolore Adegbola Akande, aka 9ice, said, “Respect is reciprocal. Head does not pass head.”
Glory hunter
It’s funny how you’re quick to tag me when there’s a robbery but refuse to tag me when we respond positively to checkmate robbery. We will continue to do our best. Glad you acknowledge the presence of our men. https://t.co/W7Z9iAp2AL
— SP Benjamin Hundeyin (@BenHundeyin) June 1, 2022
This is like a chef complaining that you didn’t praise them for not oversalting your food.
Blogger blogger
An 18year old boy was arrested at about 3am @ a black spot, i advised he should be released, if nothing was found on him. D boy asked, what happened to his freedom of movement. Please, what is an 18year old boy be doing outside at 3am. Is it norm or poor parenting? Opinion pls pic.twitter.com/w6HNXBwDjD
Here’s Brighto again, asking the public to air their opinions on why an 18-year-old “boy” has freedom of movement.
Also, why does he attach his unrelated personal pictures to the most random tweets?
What’s a little fake news?
CSP Adejobi tweeted this with his own hands (we assume), unprovoked:
I was driving today in abuja, and one road safety officer who wanted to arrest me for using phone, heard me instructing the DPO to put one person in d cell, he just saluted me, and passed me. This is to say "to every rule, there must be an exception to save some situations". Lol
police force public relations officer orders divisional police officer to put someone in jail while breaking traffic rules in the process. brags about the flagrant abuse of power and a lack of due process, while also being let off the traffic infraction by a sycophant. https://t.co/em7Z2RhgKJ
…and then he just confessed (or lied) he deliberately lied to get a reaction from the public.
It did not even happen, bc i dont drive myself while on duty, except off duty, and road safety officers dont operate beyong 6pm, or max 7pm. I only tested the strength of fake news, and we can see how its spreading like harmattan inferno. https://t.co/ZjWuIQ2sOI
Is this the account of a 50-year-old public officer, or a teenager trying to get attention online?
It’s all perspective
When I see all the stones that's constantly being thrown at the Police, I remember that only trees that bears good fruit that will be stoned at. We are still d first respondents in the time of crisis. We may not get the accolades we deserve, but we will continue to do our best pic.twitter.com/dRhYbfjkT2
Let’s just say DSP Bright needs to take an online course on anything with critical thinking in the curriculum.
It’s a good thing that the NPF is planning to launch a PR school that’ll focus on things like behaviour management of officers. Hopefully, Adejobi, Hundeyin and Brighto are front-bench students at the school and not trainers.
On September 21st, 2022, Buhari addressed world leaders at the United Nations General Assembly (UNGA). It’s the final address he’ll ever give at the annual summit as Nigeria’s president as he prepares to pack his bags in May 2023 to return home to Daura:
Home is where the milk is
…or London:
Home is where the flight takes me
We sat through the president’s speech so you don’t have to, and here are the things we learnt.
Buhari is jealous of Twitter’s power
It’s not a secret that Buhari isn’t a big fan of Twitter. After all, he did suspend the social media app in Nigeria for seven months because they deleted his sketchy tweet.
Buhari’s UNGA speech showed that not only does he still hate Twitter, but he’s also jealous of its global influence. The president lamented that social media platforms like Twitter now give influencers the springboard to be louder than leaders on social and environmental issues.
Our only message to Twitter can then only be this:
Buhari doesn’t want to pay his gbese
Nigeria’s total public debt when Buhari became president in 2015 was ₦12.1 trillion. The debt has risen like yeast over the years to ₦42.9 trillion in June 2022. Buhari’s critics have always been concerned about his debt repayment plan, but his speech at this year’s UNGA showed that he’s counting on not paying everything back.
“I’m not a Lannister”
The president appealed to world leaders to consider debt cancellation for Nigeria countries facing the most severe fiscal challenges. Let’s hope he didn’t run into China’s UN delegation after his speech.
Baba Go Slow hates the pace of democracy
Buhari has earned many nicknames since he became president: Johnny Walker, Travel Blogger-in-Chief, Bubu, Jubril Al-Sudani and more. But the only nickname he’s ever publicly adopted himself is Baba Go Slow, which his critics used to mock the pace he deals with issues.
The president was quick to blame the slowness of the democratic process for his own slow pace when he delivered his UNGA address. This is how he described it to world leaders:
The silver lining about this part of the president’s speech is he conceded democracy still provides a government with the legitimacy it needs to deliver positive change. At least, we can be confident he’ll pack his bags and leave when his second term expires in May.
Buhari is a climate change advocate
“With these few points of mine…”
Many Nigerians don’t give him credit for it, but Bubu is one of the biggest champions of climate action. It’s an issue he regularly touches on in his UNGA speeches, and his final address wasn’t an exception.
The president reminded world leaders that Africa produces only a small proportion of greenhouse gas emissions but suffers consequences that are disproportional. His proposed solution to his colleagues is to do everything possible and mitigate the effects of the climate crisis. Let’s just be glad he didn’t propose that they ban climate change like he wants to ban everything.
Buhari will miss his UN trips
All good things must come to an end, and we can all recognise that bitter feeling when the curtain calls. Buhari acknowledged this in his final UNGA speech by providing what he called his “final reflection from this famous podium”.
No one asked him, but he said the one legacy he’d like to leave behind is that the world holds strongly onto values that endure. And what are those values? Justice, honour, integrity, ceaseless endeavour, and partnership within and between nations.
We don’t remember anytime Buhari used any of those things to reduce the price of beans or the unemployment rate in Nigeria, but it’s probably one of those, “Do as I say, not as I do” situations.
Even though Nigeria is carrying all of us to where we don’t know, some people are enjoying their lives and having none of it. If you can relate to the things on this quiz, the soft life is for you.
Questions
This is a question
How many of these can you relate to?
You got #{score}/#{total}
Do not worry the soft life is still for you 😊. Perseverance is key! Head over to Anoela Cards and check out their Soft Life Collection here on their website.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You have started cosplaying the soft life, keep going! Affirmations never hurt anyone sha. So always remind yourself of the soft life with cards from Anoela Cards. Check out their Soft Life Collection here on their website.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You were clearly called to the soft life itself! Now head over to Anoela Cards and check out their Soft Life Collection here for ballers like you.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Your life is just too soft. you have soft life on speed dial at this point. Now head over to Anoela Cards and check out their Soft Life Collection here for ballers like you.
Your partner’s parents really should be the ones trying to impress you, and here’s why.
You may be inheriting bad behaviour
What if your darling boo has questionable beliefs like “washing bum-bum is homo”? Marry them, and their bad behaviour automatically moves from being their parent’s headache to yours. See why they should impress you?
You’re fulfilling their dreams
Do you know if your girlfriend’s mum has done 100 days fasting so her daughter can move to her husband’s house? All the more reason for her to worship the ground you walk on.
You’re giving them bragging rights
Because every Nigerian parent loves to brag about their children, how they’ve gotten married and birthed 50 offspring.
Bigger family equals more black tax
You might want to start buying them small gifts when you visit or for their birthday (because, good in-law), and honestly, that’s a lot to even consider in this economy. Such gestures should only be reserved for in-laws who’ve worked for it.
What if you don’t like their child like that?
Maybe you’re just in the relationship to avoid paying for things yourself. What if them treating you nice is the key to your falling in love with their child?
You’re a spec
If they can’t prove why you should waste your time with their child, just carry your amazing self elsewhere. Periodt.
The Nigeria Police Force (NPF) is really concerned that its officers don’t have a monopoly on violence.
The police have recently recorded three cases of assault against its officers within five days, in Lagos alone. After decades of brutalising Nigerians, some of them are starting to fight back:
Bro Muyiwa are you seeing this sir???? And what step have Nigeria police Hqt taken on this assault on Nigeria police sir….🤔🤔🤔 pic.twitter.com/qWaKO6W9mj
The trend of Nigerians assaulting police officers is frightening enough that even the Inspector-General of Police (IGP), Usman Baba, addressed it in a statement.
While Nigerians fighting back against police officers is a manifestation of the culture of distrust they have with the public, it’s not the best conflict-resolution strategy for civilians. Because this could happen:
More than the risk of dying, assaulting a police officer is likely to get a civilian in trouble regardless of the officer’s provocative conduct. It’s a felony that could land a convicted person in prison for three years.
“I should have just said, ‘Do you know who I am?’ 20 times”
What can you do instead?
Defuse
Remember to never cut the red wire
Distrust for the police force means Nigerians expect officers to move mad at any point during a regular encounter. Interactions between Nigerian police officers and civilians these days can get confrontational and violent in the blink of an eye.
Especially if you don’t have anything for the boys
It’s in your best interest as a civilian to get through this encounter without resorting to blows or anything that lands you in prison. The most important thing you can do is remain calm. The police officer should be committed to this kind of attitude too, but that’s not always the case. When they don’t reciprocate your calmness, what’s the best way to handle it?
Don’t resist arrest
Police officers have a certain level of “reasonable force” they can apply to a situation in which a suspect is resisting arrest. If you react violently to provocation, it can give them justification to keep assaulting you.
It’s important to remain calm and not lash out so they can’t build an unfair case against you. They know the kind of trouble you can get into and are happy to exploit it. Comply with instructions even in the face of provocation. You can raise alarm for the awareness of people in the area, but don’t resist arrest.
When a police officer assaults you, the best immediate course of action is to gather as much evidence of the assault.
Remember crucial details for documentation, do a video recording of the incident with your phone, if possible, or if it happened in public, urge others to record it.
It’s also important to record the officer’s name and identification number if possible.
That’s how this guy lost his job
Visit a doctor
No, not this one
If you sustain injuries in the course of the assault, it’s advisable to visit a doctor for treatment and get a report that’ll serve as medical evidence for your case against the offending police officer.
Find a lawyer
There are cases when you can deal with a violent police encounter without needing legal counsel, but it’s advisable to get one just in case things get complicated.
Complain
When you’ve gathered all the evidence you need to build your case, file a complaint with the police force’s Complaint Response Unit (CRU). The force created the unit in 2015 to process complaints from members of the public and provide feedback on actions taken on such complaints.
You can contact them through one of these options:
You can also forward your complaints to the public relations officers of state commands on social media or their mobile phone numbers.
As long as your life isn’t in immediate danger, beating a police officer is a very bad idea. Take the high road, please.
More than the freedom of speech and protection of your right to have terrible opinions about anything, elections are one of the status symbols of a functioning democracy.
Since no system is perfect, it’s important to always improve them. And if there’s an electoral system in desperate need of improvement, it’s Nigeria’s gbedu.
It’s going to need more than an oil change
What are some of the electoral laws from around the world Nigeria could take some notes from? We found a few useful ones.
Automatic voter registration
Every election season, Nigerians cry about how the registration process is too frustrating and millions are denied their right to vote. In the last continuous voter registration (CVR) exercise, more than seven million people started their registration but couldn’t finish it when the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) shut the door on July 31st, 2022.
This situation can be avoided if Nigeria decides to automate the registration process. In Sweden, the electoral commission extracts information from the country’s population database. The names of all qualified citizens are included in the voter register 30 days before every election, and eligible voters receive their voter cards by post three weeks before the election.
Argentina, Chile, Hungary, Israel and the Netherlands also automatically register their citizens to vote.
If Nigeria decides to step into the 21st century and adopt this, the PVC registration process can stop looking like this:
Flexible polling units
If a voter in Nigeria relocates from the region they registered to vote, they have to apply for a transfer of polling unit to vote in their new location. This process can be quite tedious, and some people prefer to travel to their former location just to vote, even when it’s inconvenient. Most people don’t even bother.
But in Australia, voters are allowed to cast their votes at any polling unit in their state or territory. If they’re out of the territory where they’re registered to vote, they can cast their ballot at designated interstate voting centres. Mobile polling teams also move around residential care facilities and remote areas to ensure more people get to vote.
“Can we have a minute to discuss the gospel of voting?”
More than 20 countries across the world have compulsory voting laws for their citizens. Eligible citizens are required to register and vote in elections or face penalties like monetary fines or jail time.
These laws, practised in countries like Argentina, Australia, Belgium, Brazil and Luxembourg, are intended to stimulate political interest and participation.
For a country like Nigeria where the voter turnout rate has been dropping since 2003 despite an increase in the number of voters, a compulsory voting law wouldn’t be the worst idea. No longer would youths be playing football in the streets on a day they could be deciding the fate of the country.
Diaspora voting
Nigerians in the diaspora have been itching to be a part of the electoral process for years, but the Nigerian electoral system hasn’t warmed up to the idea yet.
Nigeria can look to countries like Sweden and Australia for lessons on how to make elections more inclusive. Swedes outside Sweden are allowed to cast their votes in advance of election day as long as they’re on the electoral roll. All they need to do is send their vote by post or vote at Swedish embassies and consulates.
Countries that don’t allow diaspora voting globally are in the minority, and Nigeria is one of them. That can change if we figure out a system that works.
Electronic voting
Electronic voting is one of Nigeria’s most prominent electoral battles, but countries like Brazil have hacked the process. Brazilian voters have been using electronic ballot boxes since 2000. An obvious advantage is the speed and transparency. Voters in Estonia also have the option of voting via the internet.
There are security concerns around electronic voting processes, but it’s not rocket science when we’re ready to commit to it.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
This interview happened because Curtain kept spamming us with emails begging for a chance to speak. We had other interviews planned, but we just had to agree to this cry for help.
[Zikoko arrives at the interview location and is directed to a poorly-lit, empty room. Is this how they get kidnapped? Zikoko starts to plot their exit. But then they hear a croaky voice.]
Zikoko: Curtain, is that you?
Curtain: It’s me o. Look at the window.
Zikoko: Where is that?
Curtain: Can’t you see the light?
Zikoko: I can see the darkness.
[Curtain wheezes]
Zikoko: You look like a low-budget Nollywood ghost. Why so ashy?
Curtain: Don’t even worry. My mouth is full of talk, and I’ve just been looking for an opportunity since. Now I have it. Please, write this down and tell everyone I sent you. [coughs]
How have I ever offended the people of this world? What makes everyone think it’s okay to buy me, make me serve the purpose of beautifying their space and hiding their secrets from their nosy neighbours, only to reward me by sentencing me to a life in prison?
Zikoko: You mean I’m in a prison?
Curtain: Is this not a prison? Can you imagine never seeing the sun again all because someone thinks you’re fine? To never touch water again? See me; I’m a shadow of myself already. I’m not allergic to water, biko. I eat dust like garri every day of my life. To make matters worse, some of you even have the audacity to use me to wipe your hands when you think no one is looking. Is this fair? I was once a spec, for God’s sake!
Curtain: What do you know about feelings? Please don’t annoy me.
Zikoko: Ngl, not much. People shouldn’t be having them. What can we do to help?
Curtain: Do you have curtains in your office?
Zikoko: No, but we have window blinds.
Curtain: When last did you clean them?
Zikoko: Umm… Who is interviewing who here?
Curtain: Just answer the…
Zikoko: Did you call us to this discount Living in Bondage set to ask us questions? Maybe we should be going?
Curtain: Oya, sorry. Please, it’s beg I’m begging. Forget all that gra gra.
Zikoko: But you caused this thing.
Curtain: As how?
Zikoko: Why are you so damn expensive? Don’t you know people use all their life savings to buy you? Maybe they’re scared of washing you too much and then washing away your beauty, or spreading you outside only to get stolen by their neighbours.
Curtain: I get your point, but even though upon still, this is getting too much. I’m living in pains. [starts coughing]
Zikoko: Sorry. But will you at least promise to reduce your price? Everything don cost. Maybe that’ll encourage people to repent?
Curtain [still coughing]: Never. The see finish will only increase. Just tell them to take care of me. That’s all I want.
[Curtain starts coughing seriously and looks like it’ll pass out.]
This is Zikoko Citizen’s Game of Votes weekly dispatch that helps you dig into all the good, bad, and extremely bizarre stuff happening in Nigeria and why they’re important to you.
Subscribe now to get the newsletter in your email inbox at 8 am every Friday instead of three days later. Don’t be LASTMA.
There was a time when political assassination, and the dread of it, was a feature of Nigerian politics and everyone was happy to be rid of those bad old days over the past decade. But the ugliness of it crept back in the past week in two significant ways: one real and one theatrically absurd.
On September 11, 2022, gunmen ambushed the convoy of Senator Ifeanyi Ubah (Anambra South – YPP) in Anambra State and killed two police officers and three civilians. His bulletproof vehicle was the only reason the first-time senator escaped death.
Naturally, many prominent Nigerians condemned the attack for being barbaric. One of them was the presidential candidate of the Labour Party (LP), Peter Obi, who’s a former Anambra State governor. What Obi didn’t know at the time was that he was about to have his own brush with assassination but in the most absurd manner.
You may remember Festus Keyamo as a social crusader, but he’s also the campaign spokesperson for the candidate of the All Progressives Congress (APC), Bola Tinubu.
On September 12, 2022, Keyamo accused Obi of planning to fake an assassination attempt on himself to frame the APC and win some sympathy points. He didn’t provide a source for his allegation other than, “Trust me bro”, but he called the plot a part of the “US Strategy”, like that gives it any sort of authenticity.
Obi’s camp quickly dismissed the allegation and turned it around, tagging it as Tinubu’s camp floating the idea of assassinating the former governor. It wasn’t a surprise that fake reports circulated online later on September 12 that gunmen attacked Obi’s convoy in Abuja.
Even for someone of Keyamo’s infamous temperament, weaponising assassination ahead of the 2023 general elections is nothing short of reckless, especially in light of the Ubah attack.
This isn’t the best time in Nigerian history to bring back the grim days of Bola Ige and Funsho Williams.
Dear Nigerian politicians, please apply some decorum.
What Else Happened This Week?
The Rise (and Fall) of Ransom Negotiators
Nigeria’s kidnap-for-ransom industry has grown in leaps and bounds over the past seven years. The industry generates hundreds of millions of naira provided by families of victims. With that much money on the table, it’s only natural that we have seen the rise of a new career option for Nigerians: ransom negotiators. One of them is Tukur Mamu.
Mamu’s main bread and butter is journalism, but he negotiated the release of some of the train passengers that terrorists kidnapped in March 2022. He has also been very loud about the government ensuring the safe and speedy return of the passengers with two dozen still in captivity six months later.
The government heard his voice and decided to slam him with charges, accusing him of collaborating with the terrorists. The main charge is that he’s been pretending to be a referee in a game where he’s actually the 12th man for the terrorists.
The Nigerian government doesn’t have very high regard for ransom negotiators, and Mamu’s developing court trial could set the tone for their future in the Nigerian kidnapping ecosystem.
Have You Seen This Video?
We compiled the funniest reactions to the appearance of the Fresh Prince of Daura in Imo. pic.twitter.com/ruli2wHBye
Click here to tweet your answer to @ZikokoCitizen on Twitter.
Ehen, one more thing…
Governor Ben Ayade of Cross River State became a punctuality prefect this week when he locked out civil service workers who didn’t resume on time for work at the Government House.
It’d be nice to see him transfer that energy into pretending to be a state governor and pay the workers he owes.
The history of Nigeria is an epic story fit to give Game of Thrones a run for its money. Nigeria’s story is missing dragons, but there’s enough drama to fill the books, from cover to cover, for a best seller.
Even though Nigeria, as we know it, wasn’t fully formed until 1914, it was in 1960 actual Nigerians took charge of its destiny. And when that independence came, our leaders had the chance to drive the country to the Promised Land or off the nearest cliff. They chose the nearest cliff.
The original idea was to be a democratic nation, but that master plan would be interrupted many times by military men with their own hard-ons for power.
To celebrate the International Day of Democracy, we compiled a brief history of how each period of democracy in Nigeria died brutal deaths since 1960.
First Nigerian Republic (1963 – 1966)
Nigeria became an independent country in 1960 but retained Queen Elizabeth II as head of state until it became a republic in 1963. The country adopted the parliamentary system of government practised by its recently-departed British colonialists.
Ethno-religious tension coloured much of Nigerian politics at the time, as it still does today. The administration of the Nigerian government was split along Western, Eastern and Northern regional lines, each with its own separate premiers. Abubakar Tafawa Balewa retained his post as Prime Minister, and Nnamdi Azikiwe became Nigeria’s first president in 1963.
The regional infighting and tension escalated when Nigeria’s first coup d’etat took place in January 1966. Soldiers overthrew the government and assassinated Balewa, as well as Ahmadu Bello and Samuel Akintola, the premiers of the Northern and Western regions respectively.
It was the first fall of the Nigerian republic, but it wasn’t the last.
Second Nigerian Republic (1979 – 1983)
One bloody counter-coup, a bloody civil war, a bloodless coup and a failed coup attempt later, the military government of Olusegun Obasanjo transitioned Nigeria back to democracy in 1979.
This time, the parliamentary system of government from the first republic was dumped in the trash, and Nigeria opened its doors to the presidential system we still practice today.
Five parties contested the elections and won seats in the National Assembly. Shehu Shagari of the National Party of Nigeria (NPN) won the presidential election that defined the second republic.
He served his first term, as Nigeria’s first democratic president, without much hassle. But it was when he made the inevitable push for a second term that wahala started.
Shagari was re-elected for a second term in 1983, but his opponents accused him of ojoro. They insisted the election was marred by violence and contested the result in court. Military actors used the instability caused by this conflict to stage a coup that ended the second republic in December 1983.
The man who took over from Shagari as a military dictator was Muhammadu Buhari.
Third Nigerian Republic (1992 – 1993)
Nigeria’s third republic is the shortest of them all. Buhari’s post-second republic reign lasted for 20 months before he was overthrown by General Ibrahim Babangida in 1985. Babangida promised to hand over to a civilian government as soon as possible, but he conveniently lasted in office for eight years.
Babangida’s military government conducted gubernatorial and legislative elections in December 1991. The winners took office in January 1992, technically setting off the third republic. But the presidential election was where the key spoilt the dog’s mouth.
After much drama, the government scheduled the presidential election for June 12th, 1993. MKO Abiola of the Social Democratic Party (SDP) and Bashir Tofa of the National Republican Convention (NRC) were the main candidates for the election.
Even though Abiola was widely considered the winner of the election, Babangida cut his victory dance short by pausing the counting of votes and annulling the election over allegations of electoral fraud.
Nigeria was scheduled to return fully to democratic rule on August 27th, 1993, but Babangida stepped down a day earlier with the mess of annulment still hanging about. He handed over the government to an interim team headed by Ernest Shonekan who was tasked with completing Nigeria’s transition to democracy.
Babangida created a mess, failed to clean it up and said:
Shonekan’s government lasted only three months before General Sani Abacha overthrew it and became Nigeria’s new military dictator in November 1993.
That was how Nigeria’s third republic ended before it even began. But Abacha died suddenly in 1998, paving the way for an Abdulsalami Abubakar-led team to transition Nigeria to the fourth republic in 1999. And Nigerians lived happily ever after.
It’s not every day Buhari leaves Abuja for another part of Nigeria that’s not his home in Daura. His top three destinations are usually London, London and anywhere that’s not Nigeria.
Catching international flights, not local feelings
But Buhari made the rare local trip to Imo State on Tuesday, September 13th, 2022, and there are a few things that didn’t escape our watchful eyes.
These are the things we noticed about Buhari’s trip to Imo.
Buhari is healthier than ever
We just need to get it out of the way that Buhari is looking way more dashing as he approaches the end of his second term in office. He’s gone from looking like in 2017:
…to looking like the Fresh Prince of Daura in 2022:
All those London trips are finally paying off
We know feeding fat on the Nigerian treasury is a healthcare routine that’s impossible to match, but we’re still going to need him to write a blog post to give us all the tea. Because why’s this guy looking like he’s ready to compete in the Olympics?
When Buhari promised change seven years ago, he really meant for his own health status. Or maybe this is just how you look when you’ve been on leave from work for seven years.
Buhari needs a hug
Buhari used his Imo trip to take yet another familiar dig at the “Nigerian elite” whom he blamed for not protecting Nigeria’s interests for decades. He blamed them for infrastructural decay, especially the lack of development of the railway system and power.
The president’s major complaint was even though he’s apparently racking up achievements in the areas previous governments failed, the Nigerian elite isn’t washing his feet, touching the hem of his garment and patting him on the back for a job well done.
We’d ask the First Lady to give him a hug for us, but she’s probably back to her Dubai base. Since the Nigerian elite has refused to, who’s going to hug Buhari for us? Xoxo, Mr President.
Buhari’s in love with Uzodinma
A bromance made in the Supreme Court
Remember how we said it’s super rare for Buhari to make local trips? Well, it’s even super rarer that he visits the same state more than once, especially in a region where he’s not very popular.
Yet, this was Buhari’s second visit to Imo State in one year, after a previous visit in September 2021. And that can only mean Governor Hope Uzodinma has his nudes and blackmails him into making these rare trips, or he really loves the governor and would do anything to help him boost his political profile.
Nothing says “besties” like matching outfits
Uzodinma is a man of his name
Buhari was in Imo to commission three key projects in the state: a renovated State House of Assembly building and two roads that may or may not be completely ready for people to use.
Buhari, like us, only just found out that “Uzodinma” actually means “good road”, and we suddenly feel like that’s why the governor has a hard-on for road projects. Now, we wonder if “Okorocha” means “good statue”.
Buhari 1 – 1 IPOB
Before Buhari landed in Imo Tuesday, his people must have been wary that the sit-at-home order declared by the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB) would taint his appearance. The order was in honour of the Tuesday court appearance of the group’s leader, Nnamdi Kanu, who’s facing treason charges in Abuja.
Many expected that the sit-at-home would mess with Buhari’s visit and undermine his status as the country’s commander-in-chief. Even though there was a sizable crowd that defied the order and welcomed him, the state capital was still largely deserted. So maybe we’ll call a tie here.
The compliance with the order illustrates just how much the president has lost authority in the southeast region over the years, and how much more the government needs to do to end IPOB’s sit-at-home mandate that’s crippling socio-economic activities in the region.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
Even though Yakubu Gowon was only 31 when he became Head of State, few younger millennials (30 and under) are in political offices today. But since 2015, I’ve noticed this subject’s consistency in public service, so I reached out to her to share her journey and inspire other young people to action.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is Nafisa Atiku-Adejuwon, a 29-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about experiencing politics in secondary school, choosing public service over a legal career and finding purpose in helping young women enter politics through “Girls Just Want to Run”.
What inspired you to get into politics?
Exclusion. It’s widespread in Nigeria. I have this memory from when I was very young: I was in a car driving by some young kids begging on the road, and I felt terrible because I had access to education, a good home, food, electricity, water, and these people didn’t. Exclusion has always been a thing for me. I’ve always hated it.
Tell me about your personal experience with exclusion
In SS 2, my Economics teacher encouraged me to run for Assistant Dormitory Prefect. I didn’t want to because one of my good friends was running for the same post. I’d even written her speech for her.
What did you do?
The teacher submitted my name anyway, so I had to enter the race. I was really bullied for it because other people in our class saw me as a betrayer. I would go to eat in the dining hall and that clique of girls would just hiss at me, so I would leave without eating.
I still won the election and became one of only six SS 2 prefects that year. Other teachers saw how responsible I was in that welfare role and nominated me for Head Girl the next year.
How did university go? More leadership roles?
The incredible irony is I didn’t really do anything in university. I’m sure if my uni classmates see me now, they’d be shocked and be like, “We didn’t know she had it in her.”
I almost can’t believe that
You know the kind of culture we have. Women aren’t exactly encouraged to be leaders. I went to university, and I was just like the average student. I went to class, had friends, went to church, and went back to my room.
When I went home during school breaks, I always had an internship or job or volunteering experience. But in school, you couldn’t distinguish me from the pack.
Why though?
I think it’s because I went from a private secondary school to a federal institution — the University of Nigeria, Nsukka. It’s a big school with plenty of people to compete with, and as I said, the dynamics weren’t exactly friendly for female leadership.
I studied law, and we set up mock chambers every year to put everything we learnt to practice. I wanted to volunteer to be a counsel or witness or something. But the guys were monopolising all the spots. They would edge out the girls and were very assertive about what they wanted. I didn’t feel like I had the energy to fight back, so I just said, “Fine. I’ll just pack my things and go and read my books”.
And nothing changed through the years?
Actually, in my fourth and final year, I got involved in more service-to-humanity-type activities. I joined the Rotary Club and became the secretary. I was a member of the legislative arm of my class that year. But in general, it was too late to make any real impact.
It comes down to the environment. Some are engineered to allow you to thrive; some actually choke your potential.
All that exclusion, what would you say it changed for you?
My whole uni experience taught me to have thicker skin and appreciate the struggle. It gave me a teaser of the real world. I spent the first few years trying to discover myself and my own place.
While I knew I could be a leader because I’d done it in secondary school, moving to university, I felt like a small fish in a very, very big pond. I couldn’t find my place in it. So a lot of existential questions flew through my mind. Like, what exactly do I want to do with my life?
I considered entrepreneurship because everyone was doing that at the time. I started curating hamper baskets, but it didn’t work out. I tried NGOs and got into some leadership roles in community service organisations. It was kind of my thing, but it was already too late to capitalise on it since I was basically graduating.
What happened after graduation?
Law school. I was at the Lagos campus, and it was a hustle. You’re in classes from morning to night just struggling to pass, to be honest. I made some friends and met a guy called Temi Vaughn. His dad was doing some youth development town hall meetings and told him to get some of his friends who were passionate about Nigeria.
I come from a very political background. Politics is a huge topic in my household, and we’re always dissecting government policies, so it wasn’t a new conversation for me. I saw the way Nigeria was going in 2015 when there was a major election. I’d started interrogating the system and consistently posting write-ups on Facebook about politics and youth empowerment.
So Temi’s dad got some of us to host his town hall meeting in collaboration with the Lagos State government. I capitalised on that until I got chosen for the Young Professionals Bootcamp, by Pastor Poju of the Covenant Christian Centre, the same year. It was the turning point of my entire life.
How?
At the boot camp, Mark Okoye, a commissioner or special adviser serving under Peter Obi’s Anambra state government, told us about his journey into public service, and how he troubled Peter over and over to give him a place in his government.
I was like, if this dude can leave the US where he schooled and had excellent grades, to do that, I could too. It was like a view into what my life could be. I went to the boot camp still wondering about my career options. Should I go the normal route of becoming a lawyer or the unpredictable path of public service?
After hearing Mark speak, I said, I have my choice, and that was it.
What did you do next?
I had a couple of job interviews already lined up, one in particular at a law firm offering some good money. I told them I didn’t want it and found my first job on Facebook at a youth organisation called Leads Nigeria. From there, I moved to She Leads Africa as a program associate.
I’m currently the program officer at the Shehu Musa Yar’Adua Foundation. We work on creating safe spaces on university campuses to protect young women from sexual violence. We also have an anonymous whistleblowing platform for survivors of sexual harassment within Nigerian tertiary institutions.
How did you get into the foundation?
In 2020, I wanted to pivot fully to the non-profit space and work on women’s issues. It made sense for my political future. I was also tired of Lagos stress and traffic and needed to move to a less stressful place for health reasons. I talked to my dad, who referred me to someone at the foundation. They called me to interview for a position in their new gender justice program. I got the job and moved to Abuja.
It’s been an interesting six to seven years in public service so far, but there’s been a lot of sacrifices.
Sacrifices?
During NYSC in Ibadan, I decided I would do a project teaching civic and political education to senior secondary students who, by the next election in 2019, would’ve been old enough to vote.
I was earning ₦18k from the federal government, and ₦3k from the ministry of justice. And I was living in a flat with roommates. I had to buy food, etc. I went to those schools, raised money to donate schoolbooks, and pay school fees, all without a proper job.
After NYSC, while I was waiting for a job, I continued the work with schools in my neighbourhood in Lagos State.
Young people have always been the focus of my political work; young women are my primary focus. My book, Girls Just Want to Run, was born out of my own experience trying to be actively involved in politics.
Going into politics, I discovered that there were no other women in my age range. How do we get women in their 50s to run for office when they’ve not built up their social and political capital from when they were in their early 20s like men do?
We would only continue to pay lip service to women being involved in politics if we don’t concentrate on getting them into the political party system young. That was what made me say, “Okay, somebody has to write this message. And I don’t mind being the bearer of good news”.
How did that go?
Getting the money to launch the book was by God’s grace. I saved up, people donated, and I managed to do it well. It’s now grown into a community young women are inspired by.
Before then, through my NYSC projects, I set up an organisation for civic and political education called “NYouth Speaks” because young people aren’t very aware of their civil and political rights.
My political articles, school tours and initiatives became subsumed under NYouth Speaks. Then when I evolved into pushing for youth and women’s political participation and published my book, everything fell under “Girls Just Want to Run” but focused on young women.
What are some of the things you’re doing under this initiative?
This month [September], we’re doing a book drive, to give young women civic education books. Through that, we would form leadership clubs for girls in secondary schools. We want them to be acquainted with social change, justice, political participation from now so that even in their own way, they can bring change to their communities.
It starts with influencing the younger generation. We talk to them about the qualities to look for in a leader. We educate them about their rights, what the constitution provides for, and how to enforce or challenge the constitution. What are the gaps in our society that need to change within the next few years? We want them to start taking ownership of these things.
And what’s your personal journey into the political system been like?
It’s been a constant process of upskilling and making meaningful change by educating young women. This country needs leaders. Not everyone can leave. If I set my mind to japa, I could probably be gone by next year. But I won’t do that.
It also helps that I married somebody who’s just like me. He was at my book launch and, crazy story: I was scheduled to give a TEDx talk in Abakaliki, Ebonyi state, the day before my launch. We missed our flight coming back to Lagos because of bad roads.
So we had to take a night bus to get back in time. We met armed robbers on the road, and they shot at our bus. It was so scary, but did I look like I’d gone through that by my launch the same evening?
So sorry you had to experience that. Did your political growth happen naturally or was it something you worked towards?
A lot of intention and hard work has gone into it. While I was waiting for my NYSC placement, the boot camp came up and I thought that if I could get into the program, I would get some clarity about what steps to take next. I applied for it while I was still posting political pieces on Facebook, BellaNaija, etc.
Right
Then I was posted to Kebbi State for NYSC. I have delicate health, so at the beginning, my family said, “We have to get you reposted. We can’t risk certain things. You need to be closer to home so if anything happens, we can rush you out quickly”.
So I went to Kebbi knowing I wouldn’t stay past orientation. But I got there and changed my mind because I felt like I could do some good regarding girls’ education there. I called home to tell them, and they said, “Okay, no problem. We won’t change it”. But they didn’t listen. I was still transferred down to Ibadan.
Where your civic education journey started
Yes, I was able to do what I wanted to do in Kebbi in Ibadan, and I got chosen for another boot camp by RED Media, called the Future Project. It was a three-day boot camp on understanding how the local government works. People like Demola Olanrewaju and Lam Adesina, a member of the Oyo State House of Representatives, spoke to us.
My circle widened, and I applied for more opportunities, looking for what I could do next. I started thinking about how to join the process officially to see how it works. I joined the KOWA Party, and it proved to be instrumental because it was my firsthand experience there that birthed Girls Just Want to Run in 2018, which opened platforms for me to talk about young women’s issues, political justice and participation.
Why KOWA?
Because I felt KOWA was a youth-friendly party. Ironically, that’s where I met my husband; he was the national youth leader of KOWA Party. I needed somewhere I could volunteer my skills and add some value to the system as a young person. Also, it was easy to join. If you want people to be part of a process, you need to make it easy for them to join it.
Is it really? I’m not sure access to political parties is readily available to the average citizen
A lot of work could be done to bring more awareness to these kinds of fellowships, boot camps, training, and so on. I wouldn’t have found the information if I wasn’t intentionally looking for it.
The political system and process in our country are not straightforward; it’s not user-friendly at all. The established parties don’t make it easy for you to find or join them. Only the newer parties do a level of mobilisation.
But APC did a membership drive around last year [2021], and PDP had an online registration portal going on around the same time.
But where? Do people know about these things?
The APC one was physical in local government councils of different states. I do agree there’s not enough awareness of these systems and initiatives, but people also need to be active about their interest in finding them. Let them not shave your head in your absence.
Some parties use digital membership channels. PDP has tried to do a whole campaign by revealing their online registration portal in 2021. The link was flying across my WhatsApp like no man’s business. You could just upload your passport and details, and it would go into the members’ register.
But at the end of the day, to improve the system, we need to be part of it. And that can only happen by being intentional about it.
Fair. So how did it go at KOWA?
I was a party member for about a year. Apart from the fact that INEC deregistered the party, I left in 2019 because I wanted a more in-depth political experience. So I joined PDP in 2021, through the e-registration portal.
Beyond community development, do you see yourself actually running for political office?
I do. But not right now. I’m a new mom, I run a business and work in an office, so there’s only so much I can juggle. The next four years will be critical in gaining some much-needed experience within the political space as part of the system now, as opposed to being a community service advocate.
I need to see and understand the intricate workings of politics in Nigeria. After four years, I can then officially say I’ll take a step and run as a candidate to serve people on whatever level I think will be practical at that point in time.
And what’s one thing about your life right now that makes you happy?
One thing that really makes me happy and fulfilled is being on a journey to becoming the person I dreamed I could be. Someone who creates change. I’m happy I can sit down, look back on my life so far and see that I’ve improved a lot of people’s lives.
There’s no way you’ll convince me that this life isn’t just one big pot of three-day-old beans. If not, why would I be scrolling through Twitter (which I thought was my safe space) and suddenly be reminded I can’t afford to buy original Samsung charger?
Anyways, if you’re a Gen Z like me who can’t even dream of creating a will because you don’t have money yet, all’s not lost because you still have the will for these things, at least.
The will to live
But some of us are already tired of life, TBH.
Never take shit
Talk anyhow, and you WILL be checked. Don’t play.
Free food
As long as we’re eating food we don’t have to pay for, you can sign us up.
An interesting pro of being a Nigerian is also its major con: you deal with some of the most equal parts annoying and entertaining politics anywhere in the world.
If only there was a newsletter that helps you navigate that messy pool…
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Let’s pretend to write the script of an award-winning film.
EXT. DANBABA SUNTAI AIRPORT, TARABA STATE
Imagine you’re returning to your home state after four years of being away. As you emerge from a private jet, there’s a crowd of mekunus who erupt in cheers and scream your name.
It’s a Saturday, so it’s hard to know for sure if they’re there because they’re unemployed or they really just love you. But you’ll take anything.
You touch down in your white agbada, happy to be back home, and your rich friends are there to shake your hand. The mekunus all want to touch the hem of your garment. You’re happy to allow them, but there are too many, so you ask them to, “Dress back a bit.”
“Give me some air, please.”
You’re not ready to go home yet because you’ve spent most of the last four years indoors. You’re an extrovert that needs some outside noise, so you head to a stadium that’s named after you.
Your rich friends are there, and so are the mekunus who are still fanning about because it’s a Saturday and there’s no Premier League football to watch because of the Queen’s death. They call this a grand reception, and everyone is in a jolly mood.
To the victor, the spoils
It’s time for speeches and the Speaker of the House of Assembly mounts the podium to say really nice things about you on behalf of the absent state governor. He addresses you as, “Your Excellency” and “an iconic figure” so everyone knows you’re a man of timbre and calibre. Then he calls your return home “an epoch-making occasion” so you know he went to school and isn’t a nepotism baby. He concludes his speech with something about forgiveness.
“Forgive and forget, baby. You’re not vengeance.”
It’s now your turn to mount the podium and address your adoring fans — your rich friends and the mekunus who are still there for some reason. A vote of thanks is important, so you appreciate the retired military general in Abuja who made your return home possible.
These are tears of joy
And for your coup de grace, it’s time to talk about the people who were the reason you’ve not been home for four years. You should diss them for keeping you from the comfort of your lovely bed, but you’re not Nyesom Wike and you don’t have his merry band of jesters or the charisma to pull it off.
You’re not him
As the Christian you are, you forgive your haters with your church mind that doesn’t allow you to wish them evil for sending you away from home. You say, “I hold no grudges against anybody, and I’ve forgiven all who God used to send me to prison.”
Prison ke? Who are you?!
You’re Jolly Nyame, and you’re a convicted thief. And the haters you’re forgiving are the people who made sure you faced justice for your crimes.
Unfortunately, this is all real life.
Who’s Jolly Nyame?
In 1992, the people of Taraba State elected Jolly Nyame as their governor, but his tenure was cut short by the 1993 military coup of General Sani Abacha. Six years later, in 1999, he won another election as governor and a re-election in 2003. This leaves him with the rare flex of having won three governorship elections in Nigeria — a very exclusive club.
But when Nyame left office in 2007, the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) knocked on his door to bring him the gospel of anti-corruption. “You’ve been a bad boy,” the EFCC said. Naturally, Nyame didn’t agree.
“Whatever this is about, it wasn’t me that stole the ₦1.64 billion, but I may have taken ₦180 million out of a ₦250 million contract I approved to buy stationery for government offices. I’ll return that small change but leave me alone after,” he said, but not in those exact words.
The EFCC didn’t leave him alone, and the two parties dragged the case in court for years while Nyame tried unsuccessfully to become a senator in 2011 and 2015. Finally, in May 2018, Justice Adebukola Banjoko of the FCT High Court considered the evidence again Nyame and gave her ruling:
Justice Banjoko sentenced Nyame to 14 years in prison, but he fought this judgement at the Court of Appeal which shaved his prison time down to 12 years. Still unsatisfied with his mini-victory, the former governor pressed ahead to the Supreme Court to overturn his sentence, but he lost.
These aren’t tears of joy
Many reasonable people would say this was his final bus stop, but Jolly Nyame’s God doesn’t wear flip-flops — he’s an ordained reverend after all.
Manna from heaven Buhari
The government of Buhari (of anti-corruption fame) announced on April 14th, 2022, that the president had granted a pardon to 159 prison inmates and ex-convicts who begged for it. Jolly Nyame was one of the lucky ones. Nigerians were pressed about the pardon, but Nyame couldn’t care less. He was a free man eight years ahead of schedule.
The presidency explained in April that Nyame got his pardon due to life-threatening ill-health. But that hardly looked the case when the former governor finally made his grand re-entry to Taraba State on Saturday, September 10th, 2022, welcomed and feted by the same people he stole from.
What’s the lesson here?
Nyame’s victory lap in Taraba has naturally received some backlash online:
Elites protecting Elites, the masses jubilation while their suffering induced by the same Elites continue. https://t.co/uzWyDwXXJU
Not only has Jolly Nyame got a slap on the wrist for a crime with far-reaching implications on the lives of people he swore to serve, he’s walking around acting like his release vindicates him. Even worse, the people in government are licking the underside of his boots.
With the 2023 elections around the corner, a man who robbed his state blind is now promising to help reshape its future. It’s a situation that calls for the head of those who released him to get checked by a doctor or a friendly taser.
Nyame’s Taraba homecoming was ugly, chaotic and an insult to the Nigerian justice system, and the only lesson to learn from it is if you want to steal and get away with it in Nigeria, steal big.
This is Zikoko Citizen’s Game of Votes weekly dispatch that helps you dig into all the good, bad, and extremely bizarre stuff happening in Nigeria and why they’re important to you.
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Finally, some good news for Nigerians: Buhari’s special Christmas gift is to end terrorism completely by the end of the year.
President Buhari’s ascent to the number one seat in the country rested on his promise to end insecurity in Nigeria. Voters believed him easily because he’s a retired military general and that should mean he can crush terrorism with just his side eye if he stares really hard.
But the president must have only been squinting at terrorists as insecurity escalated over the past seven years. He definitely tightened the noose on Boko Haram, but a different kind of terrorism with no religious buzz rose in other regions of the country. Those terrorists have attacked Nigerians in their homes, on the road, on train tracks and even at the airport.
The president is sick of that now and has ordered the country’s security agencies to do their jobs and secure the country. The Minister of Interior, Rauf Aregbesola, who’s known more for announcing public holidays than his spectacular failure to manage internal security, announced the government’s new resolve at a joint security press conference this week.
The minister said the day is coming when Nigerians can sleep with their two eyes closed again because their security is guaranteed. And by December 2022, peace is scheduled to be restored to every inch of Nigeria. Buhari has ordered it and so shall it be.
The government’s latest promise would be the kind of news to toast cheap bottles of wine to, except we’ve been here before many times under Buhari. We’ll believe it when we see it.
What Else Happened This Week?
Unpaid Police Officers Are Losing Their Wives to Okada Riders
Even by Nigerian standards, police officers taking to the streets to protest against unpaid wages is a terrifying nightmare. Yet, that’s what police special constabularies in Osogbo, Osun State did on September 7th, 2022.
For context, these officers are part of the Community Policing Constabulary Scheme. They assist the main police force with grassroots tasks like intelligence gathering and reporting cases. So, they’re like the errand boys of the Nigeria Police Force (NPF).
The constables complained that the government failed to pay their salaries for 18 months, and you can imagine what that means with the state of this economy. Inflation is skyrocketing and the cost of living isn’t anybody’s mate right now. But even worse than that, the protesters were unhappy that the sapa choking them was making them lose their wives to okada riders. It was enough of a significant problem that one of them wrote, “Okada riders are sleeping with our wives” on a placard at the protest.
The NPF didn’t roll out tanks, water canons and tear gas against the protesters like they do to civilians. But the Osun State Commissioner of Police, Adewale Olokode, did have strong words for them. He called them an embarrassment and expected them to communicate their grievances more privately according to protocol.
Every worker deserves his fair wages, and it’s abundantly clear why the government should never neglect to pay the allowances of police officers. A failure to do so is the kind of thing that leads them to extort innocent Nigerians, and extortion is just the gateway drug for crooked cops to get worse. The government should pay them so they can get their wives back.
What are the names of the two top politicians who recently turned skit makers? (Hint: One is a former minister and the other is a former senator.)
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Ehen, one more thing…
We may not be in the days of Noah, but deadly floods have wrecked thousands of lives in 33 states and the Federal Capital Territory (FCT) since the beginning of the year. Buhari says he’s on top of things, but who believes anything that guy says these days?
“About a month ago, I liked your pictures” are the lyrics to a song that’s always on the lips of Nigerians every February. But in 2023, that song won’t enjoy its usual annual fame, as Nigerians will be too busy getting ready to vote for their next president on February 25th 2023.
It’s almost eight years since the tenure of the current administration began and the stakes have never been higher. The battle is on for who’ll become the next Nigerian president.
…and there’s a long queue of candidates
Every political party is trying to win the hearts of Nigerians and the action is happening everywhere, including on Twitter where political seduction is in full swing.
As politicians seek to dominate Twitter for the purpose of election, there’s a question that’s become prominent: Is Twitter sentiment influential enough to determine the outcome of the 2023 election?
But before I attempt to answer the question, an important announcement: this is a non-partisan piece. This piece doesn’t endorse or discredit any candidate. You have your choice to make. Vote wisely.
What are the numbers saying?
Let’s start with a statistical dive into the previous elections. After our dive, we’ll analyse and draw some sensible conclusions. I’m not your STS101 lecturer so I won’t be boring, I promise.
I tried to get INEC’s data from the past elections and it wasn’t a very friendly process. I couldn’t find all I needed concerning the previous elections, but let’s work with the little I found.
First, what do we know?
Let’s start with the number of voters.
At the end of the 2019 elections, INEC declared a total number of 84 million voters. You can verify this on INEC’s home page.
INEC’s homepage
Interestingly, INEC’s post-election report in 2019 indicated that only 36% of those 84 million registered voters turned up to vote on election day. You can access INEC’s summary of 2019’s election here.
INEC’s 2019 election result summary
In the above image, there is a “percentage turnout” at the bottom. This turnout represents the number of people among the registered voters who voted on election day. For example, if Country A has 100 registered voters and 50 people go out to vote on election day, it means the percentage turnout of voters is 50%.
The percentage turnout for the 2019 general election reflected a prevailing culture of “chilling at home” on election day among Nigerians who are registered to vote.
I know what you’re thinking: “But there’ll be more voters for this election.” Of course, there’ll be more voters. The question is how many new voters?
First, we’ll try to compare the average increase in registered voters every four years, then see what increase we’re working with for 2023.
Unfortunately, I could only obtain useful data for the 2015 and 2019 elections. Every other data source for the previous election wasn’t directly attributed to INEC, so I decided to leave them out. Let’s look at the 2015 election data obtained from INEC’s report. This data is available for public viewing here.
INEC’s 2015 election result summary
In 2015, 47% of the registered voters showed up for the election but the percentage turnout in 2019 was just 36%. This means that the percentage turnout rate fell by 11% between 2015 and 2019. In four years, more people decided to abstain from voting on election day.
What are we expecting on 2023?
According to INEC reports, the total number of registered voters increased from 67 million in 2015 to 84 million in 2019. This means the number of registered voters grew by 17 million between 2015 and 2019, a whopping 25% growth rate.
The voters’ registration exercise for the 2023 election ended on July 31st, 2022 and the following day, INEC reported approximately 12.2 million newly-registered voters.
INEC will still verify the new accounts, which means the tally will still likely drop by one or two million, but as it stands Nigeria has 96.2 million voters registered for the 2023 elections.
Working with that figure, the question is will they all vote on election day?
From the last two elections, the voter percentage turnout didn’t reach the 50% margin. If that trend is anything to go by, it probably won’t reach 50% in 2023 too.
But let’s get optimistic and assume all the clamour for greater political participation pays off and more people are ready to exercise their franchise in 2023. If we assume a 50% voter turnout, it means we’re expecting 48.1 million voters on election day. That’s significantly more than the number of voters we’ve seen in the past two elections.
Twitter and the power within
The EndSARS protest in 2020 proved beyond doubt that Twitter has a significant influence in Nigeria. The movement started a Twitter trend and permeated global conscience and Nigerians took to the streets to demand change.
But we still have to determine if Twitter is influential enough to swing the outcome of the 2023 election.
Nigeria’s 2023 elections mean a lot to over 200 million citizens, but only an estimated 96.2 million of them have the power to vote. The data raises a question — how many of these registered voters are on the bird app?
How many registered voters are on Twitter?
We need to first figure out the question of how many of our expected 48.1 million voters are on Twitter. This isn’t an easy question to answer, but we can do some guesswork.
Is there a probability that a Twitter user who’ll vote on election day won’t engage with a tweet on a political subject?
How many retweets and likes can we find on these political tweets? How many tweets do we find under the hottest trends? 10k, 70k, 150k, 300k?
500k?
I checked the tweets of all the major presidential candidates and I found that, compared to the others, one of them had an overwhelming edge in popularity on the app. He had more likes and positive comments. So, I just decided to stick with that candidate. I checked through his tweets — all of his tweets, actually, because they were less than 500 in total. His most engaging tweet posted on June 7th, 2022 has 102k likes.
Let’s cook further
I checked the number of Twitter followers of the three major presidential candidates. I have a “no-name” policy so I’ll refer to them as Candidates A, B and C. At the time of putting this together, the total number of followers these candidates have are 1.3 million, 1.9 million and 4.4 million respectively.
The reality is that all their followers are not Nigerians. Also, not all their followers own a Permanent Voter’s Card (PVC). It’s also very common for one person to own up to four Twitter accounts and follow the same person on these four accounts. And of course, we also know that buying followers is a possibility.
Let’s make an “unrealistic” assumption and use the candidate with the highest number of Twitter followers to drive home the point.
If we place the candidate’s 4.4 million side-by-side with our expected 48.1 million voters, it’s not up to 10%. But are there even 4.4 million Nigerians on Twitter?
In July 2021, The Cable concluded that the number of Nigeria’s Twitter users is around three million. That publication, heavily referencing a report from Africa Check, estimated the number of Twitter users in Nigeria to be less than 3.4 million.
Recent data from Statista highlighted 20 countries with the highest number of Twitter users and Nigeria didn’t make the list. Cuba is currently at the bottom of Statista’s top 20 list with 4.3 million active Twitter users. This means that countries not on that list don’t have up to 4.3 million Twitter users.
If Nigeria’s active Twitter users are not up to 4.3 million, then, how many of these “less than 4.3 million” users are registered voters for the 2023 presidential election?
The plot thickens…
Twitter can try, but if statistics and numbers mean anything, Twitter alone can’t do too much. If the previous statement is true, then Twitter can’t be described as a major influence on the 2023 elections.
Of course, Twitter has a soft influence that can snowball into an outsized movement as we saw with EndSARS, but its population alone can’t swing a national election going by just the numbers. The perspective this offers is that the influence battle can start from Twitter but it needs to move offline where the larger populations of voters exist.
I don’t know who will sit in Aso Rock in 2023 and I choose not to make predictions. But I’m sure of one thing: the presidential election will be filled with unexpected twists, turns and roundabouts. May Nigeria win.
‘Leke Olushuyi is an audience-oriented writer. He’s an accountant by day and a writer by night. Leke prides himself in providing content and finance-related services for businesses. He can be found on Twitter @LekeOlushuyi.
Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom has died after 96 long years on this rock planet. She ascended the throne in 1952, just eight years before Nigeria finally became independent from the colonial grips of her British empire.
We look at her relationship with Nigeria through the lenses of many cameras over the decades.
1956: Queen Elizabeth II’s first time in Nigeria
Queen Elizabeth’s first excursion visit to Nigeria happened in 1956. She spent 20 days after landing on January 28th, making a lit entrance in this borrow-pose Rolls Royce:
Here are a lot of black and white pictures from the visit:
[Image Source: Nigerian Finder]
[Image Source: Arewa Cycle]
[Image Source: Guardian Nigeria]
[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]
[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]
[Image Source: Facebook/TalkRealSolutions]
[Image Source: Only Africa Facts]
The Queen got some colourful pictures too:
[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]
[Image Source: Study HQ]
[Image Source: Nigerian Info]
[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]
And she had adoring fans at the time too, or people who just needed to make their urgent ₦2k:
[Image Source: Nigerian Nostalgia Project]
2003: Queen Elizabeth II’s reunion with Nigeria
Queen Elizabeth visited Nigeria a second time for the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) summit in 2003. She spent only two days, so you only get two pictures from her visit.
Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom lived a long eventful life, but she finally died at the age of 96 on September 8th, 2022.
The queen’s exit is the end of an era and its impact isn’t limited to just her home from where colonialism did a global tour. Her death will directly impact many things in Britain from the nation’s anthem to its banknotes.
But what impact can the queen’s death possibly have in Nigeria?
We’ll probably name something after her
As Nigeria’s former monarch, it should come as no shock to anyone when the Nigerian government decides to (re)name something important after Queen Elizabeth.
Serial presidential aspirant, Adamu Garba, is already ahead of everyone and suggesting the University of Nigeria, Nsukka (UNN) be renamed in the queen’s honour.
In order to immortalized Queen Elizabeth, we should rename the University of Nigeria, Nsukka to Queen Elizabeth University of Nigeria since it is the first University in Nigeria.
We can expect the Nigerian government to do oversabi and name the Fourth Mainland Bridge or soon-to-be-completed Second Niger Bridge in her honour.
There may be a public holiday
The United Kingdom will likely set aside a day as a public holiday in honour of the queen. As part of the Commonwealth of Nations, Nigeria may decide to adopt this holiday, but this isn’t set in stone. We can always do with an extra holiday sha, and treat it as a final gift from the queen. Buhari, make it happen!
Speaking of the Commonwealth of Nations, the queen’s death is expected to affect the political association that’s been criticised as a post-colonial legacy of the British empire. It’s a PR club to launder the history of an empire that colonised and exploited the world. And the queen’s death may be the catalyst to finally burn it to the ground.
Those Benin Bronzes
Over 100 years after British soldiers destroyed the Benin Kingdom and stole thousands of artefacts, many of them remain scattered all over the world. While many institutions are starting to return these artefacts, the British Museum which houses the biggest collection has insisted on hanging on to them. They keep telling Nigeria:
Maybe King Charles will press the museum’s neck to return them in an attempt to earn some low-hanging goodwill?
Buhari has a trip to plan
Buhari can’t allow a good excuse to travel to the UK go to waste, and the queen’s death is a reason as good as any. Expect our travel blogger-in-chief to hop on a plane anytime soon to go console King Charles.
