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Imagine a world where real life was actually Instagram lite, and people talked the same way they wrote their Instagram captions. What would that be like?
Hits blunt
They would make absolutely no sense
You’d be in a work meeting, trying your best to contribute your quota to capitalism and justify your salary, when your boss asked people to share ideas on a subject.
Of course, you’d immediately try to look like you’re busy thinking, even though all that’s in your head is how you forgot to warm yesterday’s leftover rice. And then the office oversabi would blurt out: “This idea felt cute, but I might delete it later”.
LMAO. You say what?
Communication? We don’t know her
On your way home, while thinking about the madness that transpired at the office, you’d jump on a danfo, ready to put the stress of the work day behind you, when you came across another wonder.
The conductor would angle his neck towards where you’re sitting beside the driver and gesture to his head. It’ll take a couple of minutes before you notice his t-shirt says, “Double-tap conductor’s head to support his brand”.
There would be a slight language barrier — and I don’t mean normal human language
You’d finally get to your bus stop, but first deciding to branch the market close to your house first to buy spaghetti for dinner, you’d meet yet another surprise.
You (to the seller): Please give me one pack of spaghetti.
Seller: This spaghetti is the best one in the market, and with shikini money, you’ll get free delivery within Lagos and Abeokuta.
You: Madam, which one is delivery again? I just want to buy and go, please.
Seller: Click the link in bio to shop the best spag. Hashtag Spaghetti sellers in Lagos, hashtag sellers of Instagram, hashtag sexy cooks in…
You: …
Confusion would reign supreme
You’d finally get home only to find your girlfriend and her besties posing in front of your door, looking sexy AF.
You: Babe, I didn’t know you were coming. What’s happening?
Babe: Happiness is being yourself.
You: I don’t get.
Babe: Looking good, doing better.
You: Is everybody alright today?
Babe (in a new pose): In love with me, myself and I.
You: …
Babe (in another pose): Only God can judge me.
You: When you people finish, you know where your house is.
You’d finally enter the apartment, confused as hell, only to wake up the next day to realise… every day would be the exact same thing.
We all know Bola Ahmed Tinubu (BAT) loves to put on a show — doesn’t matter if he’s riding a gym bike in London or taking fire jpegs to prove he’s not sick.
Now, barely two weeks after he released his manifesto, the All Progressives Congress (APC) presidential candidate arranged a glossy town hall meeting with the moneybags of the private sector to press home his proposed economic policies. We’re talking about billionaires like Aliko Dangote, Jim Ovia, Tony Elumelu, Aigboje Aig-Imoukhuede, and Herbert Wigwe. If the Avengers were a Nigerian billionaire group, they all showed up for the BAT.
And since there’s nothing like a Lagos party, we recapped the most interesting things from Tinubu’s business summit.
[Image source: Channels Television]
Tinubu makes a lot of promises, as usual
As always, Tinubu made the usual promises concerning some of his plans for Nigerians including:
Double-digit GDP growth.
The resurrection of industrial policy.
Promotion of the agbado agricultural industry.
The evergreen promise of 24/7 power supply.
CBN giving affordable rates for credit.
Another evergreen promise of better roads and public facilities.
Enlisting more Nigerians into the armed forces.
Tinubu won’t stop talking about his master plan
Tinubu reminded everyone about his background as a former Lagos State governor and how he made the state what it is today with his masterplan. He said, “My team and I developed a blueprint, a masterplan, for Lagos. I can say that plan has been largely successful. We turned this state into a safer, more prosperous place where people can go about any legitimate vocation or venture regardless of their ethnicity, religion, region, or prior social station.”
Some lighthearted violence also got the spotlight at the business summit when Tinubu’s running mate, Kashim Shettima, took the mic. He targeted two of his party’s biggest opponents.
Remember him?
Atiku Abubakar
Shettima first went after the academic qualification of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) candidate, Atiku Abubakar. He mocked the former vice-president for getting a “wole wole (sanitary inspector)” certificate from the Kano School of Hygiene where he graduated with a diploma in 1967.
For his final shot at Atiku, Shettima said, “The ability to sell bottled water does not make one an expert on the economy. Atiku Abubakar is not Abraham Lincoln, he’s more of a Raila Odinga. Next year, we are going to permanently retire the political tourist back to Dubai.”
Shettima signed the peace accord with other presidential candidates in September, but he didn’t show up to the business summit to preach peace.
Peter Obi
The presidential candidate of the Labour Party (LP), Peter Obi, was also in Shettima’s firing line. Shettima rated his tenure as Anambra State governor a “mediocre performance” and cast doubts on his leadership skills.
“Leadership goes beyond glamourising poverty. We don’t glamourise poverty, we fight poverty. I won’t tell you that I have two pairs of shoes or I have a single watch. Leadership goes beyond dubious statistics or basking in a mediocre performance as the governor of Anambra State,” he said.
Sanwo-Olu won’t stop kissing Tinubu’s feet
The Lagos State governor, Babajide Sanwo-Olu, owes his position to Tinubu, so it’s not a surprise that he’s been all over his presidential campaign. In his tribute to Tinubu at the summit, the governor reminded everyone about his godfather’s achievements from ancient days.
Sanwo-Olu promised everyone that Tinubu will use his business acumen to help the private sector and everyone make more money. But we all know he’s just watching out for his own interests.
[Image source: Nigeria Info]
Everyone is shockedIyin Aboyeji is a BAT man
It was surprising for many Nigerians on Twitter to see the founder of Future Africa, Iyin Aboyeji, making a case for Tinubu’s tech policy at the summit, especially since he criticised the APC in 2021.
Here’s what some Nigerians had to say of his presentation:
I can understand Tinubu consulting leaders of the Nigerian tech ecosystem to get their input in order to inform his policy. But to have one of them present the policy seems out of place.
Iyin has already told you people that your "noise" doesn't matter. He's the productive one. He's the one who is putting your country on the map. He has no time for your "naive idealisms". He's the Nigerian "Tony Stark".
Tech-bro politics 101: He's a builder, you're a moaner.
MKO Abiola died 24 years ago, but he’ll always be remembered as Nigeria’s president that never was. Even though he was the winner of the 1993 presidential election, his village people — General Ibrahim Babangida and General Sani Abacha — denied him his mandate.
Abiola’s presidential campaign is still mostly remembered for the tragedy that it was, but one of the other most memorable things from that period is his campaign ad which promised hope for Nigerians. In the video, the main character — let’s call him Polycarp — complained about the most frustrating things for him as a Nigerian in 1993.
Meet Polycarp: he believed in1993 Nigeria was one election away from becoming a paradise
With the 2023 elections just around the corner, it’s only fitting to check in on Polycarp’s list of complaints to see how much things have changed — or not — in 30 years.
This was MKO Abiola's campaign ad in 1993. How many Nigerians still feel this way in 2022? pic.twitter.com/t8BufIGvAJ
If Polycarp was angry about 1993 Nigeria and jumped inside a time machine to 2022 Nigeria, what would he meet?
No work
Polycarp’s time machine may want to skip 2022 Nigeria if it’s gainful employment he’s seeking because we have some very bad news for him. Nigeria’s 2020 unemployment report pegged the unemployment rate at 33% which is the highest it’s ever been. Polycarp would still be unemployed and broke in 2022, and desperate enough to start selling affiliate marketing courses on Facebook.
No food
Like everything in Nigeria these days, the prices of food items aren’t obeying the laws of gravity. The National Bureau of Statistics reported that food inflation rose to 23.34% in September 2022 which is the highest it’s risen in more than 15 years.
Even worse, nearly 20 million Nigerians are potential victims of famine, according to the United Nations’ Food and Agriculture Organisation (FAO). What this means is that 10% of Nigerians face hunger of Biblical proportions. For context, that’s the combined population of Eritrea, Namibia, Gambia, Botswana, Gabon, Lesotho, and Guinea-Bissau at risk of hunger inside just one country.
No house
If Polycarp was complaining about housing issues in 1993 when you could probably rent or buy a home with money saved under your bed, then he probably wants to skip to 2072 Nigeria or something. Because in 2022, Nigeria has a housing deficit of about 28 million units and even the homeowners are being forced out of their houses by seasonal floods and terrorism.
No light
Nigeria’s national electricity grid is more well-known than the governor of Jigawa State — and the fact you just tried and failed to remember his name proves my point. But the national grid isn’t known because it’s the eighth wonder of the world or sponsors Twitter giveaways. It’s always on everyone’s lips because of how frequently it collapses, leaving Nigerians in darkness. Whatever jungle Polycarp thought Nigeria was in in 1993, the country is still in the Dark Ages.
Expensive transport fares
One of Polycarp’s most prominent complaints was the transport fare eating into his daily ₦2k, and we have news for him from the future. Just over the past year alone, the average bus fare within Nigerian cities rose from ₦435.36 in September 2021 to ₦615.69 in September 2022. The recurring fuel scarcities don’t help matters and the situation is likely to worsen with the proposed removal of fuel subsidies in 2023.
Out-of-school children
When Polycarp complained about school being a headache, the campaign ad showed a dozen shirtless little children roaming the streets. In 2022, that demographic has ballooned into a population of 20 million out-of-school children forced out of the classroom by government neglect, poverty and insecurity. The government keeps paying lip service to the problem and even 2023 presidential candidates are still talking about setting up committees to tackle it.
Hospitals aren’t working
Nigerian doctors are some of the most prominent groups participating in the japa wave and even the president of the country travels to London every three market days to take paracetamol because the health sector isn’t where it needs to be. Not much has changed between 1993 and 2022.
Polycarp was dealing with “so so palava” in 1993, but Nigerians are dealing with real shege in 2022. The unfortunate lesson here is 2023 presidential candidates are still using the same issues to campaign nearly 30 years after they already reached a critical point.
Whatever choice Nigerians make in 2023 will determine whether things improve or we have to walk the wilderness for another 30 years. Polycarp may want to skip even further into the future.
Has sapa held you to the point that a book about defeating urgent ₦2k is the only way to describe your life? Whatever you’re going through, there’s a book title that accurately describes it.
Convince Meffy to include her in his Naira makeover plans. How will you do that, you ask? I don’t know, but love will find a way.
Don’t forget billboard banners
Since WhatsApp texts are ordinary, why not pop the question using billboard banners? She’ll fall in love. I assure you.
Ask her besties
If you don’t already know, her friends will be major stakeholders in your relationship (if she eventually says yes), so know where you’re applying pressure.
Just start living with her
Trust me, this works better than you’d imagine.
Beg her
She might just take pity on you and accept. Don’t knock it till you try it.
Get BTS out of military service
If she’s an ARMY, and you figure out a way to bring the Bangtan Boys back from their hiatus today, she’ll marry you in a heartbeat.
Buy her creamy pasta
According to our sources, this has an almost perfect chance of success if you’re toasting a Lagos babe.
Money will always work
Money has this special way of activating feelings. Just send her money.
If Nyesom Wike wasn’t the governor of Rivers State, we can totally see him as a party hypeman. From performing diss tracks with his live band to taking relentless stabs at the People’s Democratic Party (PDP) presidential candidate, Atiku Abubakar, Wike has done it all.
Wike’s beef with Atiku started after he lost the PDP presidential ticket to him and didn’t get selected as his running mate.
Wike’s fight isn’t with Atiku alone, but also with the PDP’s national chairman, Iyorchia Ayu. The governor has repeatedly demanded Ayu’s resignation as a condition to secure his support for Atiku’s campaign. For Wike, not getting his way is equal to wahala for everybody.
For weeks, Wike was the only one running his mouth over the resignation issue, but Ayu has been firing back his own shots recently. Let’s look at the biggest highlights of the gbas gbos between the two senior men.
“How dare you stop PDP candidates from contesting elections?”
Wike said, “I heard when he said he could have stopped Ortom from running for election. You see how ungrateful human beings can be. This was the same Governor Ortom who pleaded with us to allow Ayu to become the national chairman.
“This is a man who never campaigned anywhere. This is a man who never bought a form or a poster. Even the money they gave him to print posters, he never printed any posters. Now he is saying he can stop the man who brought him, who became his guarantor.”
He said, “Ayu is corrupt. Quote me. I’m a lawyer and I’m the governor of Rivers State. Ayu collected ₦1 billion in Lagos. He told one of the PDP presidential aspirants before the primary that the governors weren’t ready to fund the party.”
This was when Ayu started to open his mouth and push back against Wike by denying the allegation. He said, “The consistent attack on my person since the end of the convention on May 31. I have refrained from reacting as the father of the party I felt I should encourage reconciliation. But where it touches on my personal integrity, I appeal to such people to desist from trying to malign my character.”
He promised to show to publish the party’s account statement by the end of the year to prove his innocence. But why wait that long?
“…his children will disown him”
As if the ₦1 billion issues weren’t enough, Wike also accused Ayu of collecting an additional ₦100 million illegally from a certain governor. And this is the point where Wike dragged Ayu’s children into the mess.
He said, “Let me tell you Ayu collected N100 million from a governor. If not for the love of this party, if we release what we have, Ayu’s children will go to him and say we are no longer your children.”
Wike is clearly too committed to this feud to quit and there’s no going back for him at this point.
The past week hasn’t been the best time to be an Abuja resident as five first-world countries raised alarm about possible terror attacks. The United States has gone as far as evacuating government staff back home and the United Kingdom, Australia, and Ireland have reduced consular services. It’s indeed a very critical period in Abuja.
To gain a sense of how life currently is in Nigeria’s capital city, Citizen spoke to four Abuja residents — Elizabeth, a 24-year-old who lives in Garki, Noa, a 34-year-old who lives in Karu, *Jane, a 25-year-old who lives in Gwarimpa and *Stephen, a 36-year-old who lives in Kubwa.
“I believe it’s a rumor because foreigners can’t be trusted, and they tend to say things to suit you when they mean something else. Our country could very well be blindsided on this terrorism thing.”
Jane — product manager
“I don’t think there’s going to be a terrorist attack, or at least not in the areas people think. When the terrorists want to attack and notify the government, it’s either one of two things — the terrorists won’t attack where people think or there’s no terrorist attack happening at all. Or maybe it’s not going to happen in Abuja, but somewhere else in Nigeria. This is because they know that when they notify the state, the state will tighten security and that’s literally a death trap.
“There would also be an issue in the sense of weapon sophistication because these guys can’t carry armored tanks like the army. So, even if they attack at all, it may be in remote areas like Buari, Kuali, or any of the remote towns.”
Has the terror alert affected lives personally?
Noa — businessman
“The terrorism alert hasn’t really affected me or my business because we’re going about our day as usual. The bars are open and even new ones are springing up on a daily basis. I know I saw one yesterday that was full to capacity. The joints are still there and people are eating roasted fish. We’re really not bothered about the terror alert.
Stephen — logistics and cab driver
“The security alert has really impacted negatively on the transportation sector. For instance, I was expecting to receive customers that used British Airways to arrive in Nigeria on Saturday and Sunday, but the flights were canceled. It hurt because I was expecting to make a lot of money. Even the Jabi Lake Mall has been closed due to the alert, and that’s an income source for me too.”
Jane
“On Sunday, my family members said we shouldn’t go to church but I bluntly refused and went anyway. We’ve been getting warnings not to go to specific places and police hotlines were sent for every area in Abuja, which has made my family extra cautious.”
Are people on edge with everything going on?
Elizabeth
“There are some people that are more cautious, there are some that haven’t reacted, and there are some that are very indifferent, like me. People have even been going to Halloween parties and posting themselves on social media. In my neighbourhood, there’s not much of a difference.”
Noa
“We all know our neighbors, and we know when new faces come into the area. It’s not just this terror alert. We’ve been vigilant since the whole issue of terrorism began. We once had a bomb blast at Nyaya, close to where I stay. Since then, we’ve been very vigilant about new faces in the area. We’re not really scared.”
Jane
“There’s a lot of fear in the air. There’s news going around that the last time the U.S. told its citizens to leave, there was a bomb attack immediately after they left. For the U.S. to tell its citizens again to leave, something is really about to happen. For me, I could easily pack my bags and leave Abuja because I have a family waiting for me in Lagos. But for most people here, this is their only home. They have no other choice but to stay here. People are trying to stay at home a bit more and be on the lookout.”
Has the government responded well?
Noa
“We see the Nigeria Police and the Army doing patrols on a daily basis, which is a good thing. Gathering intelligence is never easy, so I guess they’re good at what they do. As long as they’re not harassing us, and we’re law-abiding citizens, I guess we’re fine with them doing what they have to do to prevent this.
The street boys that hawk on the street or push wheelbarrows in the markets can be seen at night with axes and cutlasses guarding the neighbourhood. I can also say that it’s a form of preparation for the terrorists when they come.”
Jane
“I have mixed feelings about this. I feel a bit secure because back when I was at the Law School in Bwari, some terrorists sent us a letter. The government placed enough security personnel around the school and I felt safe. So, at least, I know that the government can actually respond well.
Now, as to why I don’t feel safe, how many military officers do we have? Can they really protect the whole of Abuja? But with the presence of Aso Rock, there’s some assurance of safety. Bombing Aso Rock is just like bombing the White House — there’s a very rare chance of that happening.”
Elizabeth
“I can’t say there’s been so much extra security presence that really struck me. But there can never be anything like enough security measures. If there’s a bomb, no matter how many soldiers in the army or policemen, it would still explode; unless they have bomb detectors, and they’re actively checking for bombs.”
What should the government be doing better?
Jane
“I feel they should do more to calm the level of hysteria around here. I think there should be an official document which tells us what to do in case there’s a terrorist attack and the full details of the situation. There should also be the appearance of military tanks and weapons in public places like mosques, schools, and churches if they have the manpower too. But, this will be hard for a government that doesn’t believe there’s anything like a terrorist attack in the first place.”
Stephen
“The fact that these malls are closed and flights are cancelled shows there’s a considerable amount of panic. Lai Mohammed should not tell us to just disregard it completely. He needs to tell us how we can cope with this. US and UK and all those oyibo countries can’t be wrong.”
Can Nigeria contain terrorism?
Nigeria hasn’t had it easy with terrorism in 2022 with a number of attacks recorded all over the country, including an attack on Kuje Prison in Abuja that freed many terrorists in July.
In response to the recent terrorism alerts, the Inspector-General of Police, Usman Baba, initiated a Counter Terrorism Incident Simulation exercise codenamed “Operation Darkin Gaggawa.”
[Image source: Sahara Reporters]
The Minister of Information, Lai Mohammed, dismissed the alerts and assured Nigerians the government is in charge. Only time will tell.
**Subjects’ names have been changed to protect their identities.
The japa wave for Nigerians seems to be getting some pushback recently in the form of visa bans, visa restrictions and even deportations.
While these actions won’t stop Nigerians from making their japa plans, it’s important to flag some countries you should probably cross off your destination lists. These countries are either historically hostile to Nigerians with inhumane treatments or have shown us shege in recent times.
Consider this a travel advisory.
United Arab Emirates (UAE)
The United Arab Emirates (UAE) used to be the go-to spot for premium enjoyment for Nigerians, but they appear to be sick of hosting Nigerians these days. On October 21, 2022, the UAE banned Nigerians from applying for visas and even canceled already submitted applications without refunding applicants.
When a Nigerian raised alarm about the maltreatment of other Nigerians trying to enter the country in August 2022, the UAE jailed her for violating a cybercrime law.
I'm at Dubai international airport and myself and some tiger Nigerians with valid Visas are being held in a room hours after arriving with no explain and no information on what we can do. Please help me. There's more than 20 of us pic.twitter.com/6LpchsoJU2
In 2018, the United Nations (UN) released a report that detailed the horrors Nigerians face in Libya — ranging from unlawful killings to gang rape, arbitrary detention, torture, unpaid wages, slavery, human trafficking, racism, and xenophobia.
In March 2022, Nigeria’s House of Representatives moved to address the violation of the human rights of Nigerians in Indonesia after Arinze Igweike died in the custody of immigration officials. The officials arrested him with two other Nigerians and brutalized them until he died.
In August 2021, Indonesian officials were filmed assaulting Abdulrahman Ibrahim, a Nigerian consular officer based in Jakarta. In the film, they held him down inside a vehicle while he begged for air as he couldn’t breathe. Indonesia apologised for the maltreatment but the incident put the spotlight on how the treatment of Nigerians in Indonesia could be better.
South Africa
In September 2020, thousands of South Africans marched on the streets with plaques and banners, demanding that Nigerians and other foreigners leave their country.
The protesters claimed foreigners are taking away their jobs and committing crimes — the same narratives used to attack foreigners in the past.
[Image source: Ewn]
In August 2022, the Nigerian High Commission to South Africa warned Nigerians of imminent attacks on foreign nationals due to the recent utterances of a group, ‘’Operation Dudula”. As a Nigerian, to live in South Africa is to always dread the next wave of xenophobia.
India
The reality of what’s happening to Nigerians in India isn’t always the song and dance you see in Bollywood movies. In 2021, a Nigerian activist in New Delhi shared how Nigerians were victims of inhuman treatment — ranging from illegal experimentation for COVID-19 vaccines to the death of a 43-year-old Nigerian, Leohand Lyeanyi after a police officer allegedly assaulted him.
The Nigerian government has flagged Northern Cyprus many times as hostile to Nigerians. At least 100 Nigerian students studying there died under questionable circumstances between 2016 and 2020 but nothing has been done to address their cases.
What’s worse about Northern Cyprus is it’s not a country recognized by anyone in the world other than Turkey. This means the Nigerian government can’t have direct diplomatic engagements with them to help Nigerians when they run into trouble there.
The government’s message is clear: whatever happens in Northern Cyprus, you’re on your own.
Do you know of any more countries we missed that should be red flags for Nigerians? Let us know.
In Buhari’s Nigeria, young people are slowly giving up on the soft life dream. Not only is 33% of the working population unemployed, but even the ones who are employed are fighting sapa.
One of the biggest opps Nigerian youths are battling is inflation which rose to 20.77% in September 2022. It’s the highest inflation rate in 17 years and we fear Buhari just wants to break any record whether good or bad. But the biggest victims of the worrying inflation rate are young Nigerians and their dreams.
We had a conversation with two young Nigerians to understand how they’re surviving the inflation crisis.
“Data and fuel are my weekly money suckers” — Irene
Irene Akinyemi is a 23-year student and community builder. And, of course, data is necessary for her work – one thing that is hardly ever available or cheap in Nigeria.
Transportation, data and electricity costs are through the roof. The fuel of ₦5,000 which used to be enough for a week in the generator now lasts three days. ₦6,000 for 25GB used to last for a month — and sometimes spill over into the next one — but now finishes after three weeks, or even two.
What adjustments are you forced to make?
I’ve had to reduce the money spent on my necessities and cut down on unnecessary items that I used to buy. Also, before I make a purchase, I go over the things I need to buy to see if it’s really necessary or not.
What’s the biggest thing inflation has deprived you?
Inflation has reduced my fun money or the money that I spend on things that aren’t necessities. For instance, I don’t splurge on eating out as I used to.
A Stears Business report in 2017 estimated that Nigerians spent an average of 7% of the minimum wage of ₦30k on data monthly. But the Alliance for Affordable Internet (A4AI) reported that affordable data should cost no more than 2% of their monthly income. Inflation has grown worse in Nigeria since those reports five years ago, and our second subject is feeling the burn.
“I’m this close to shutting down my business” — Samuel
Samuel* is a chef who owns a restaurant on Lagos Island. He also doubles as a caterer for special occasions and events. But since he started his business, 2022 is the first time he’s regretting his career path.
How are you coping with inflation?
Things hadn’t been the smoothest since I started the restaurant in 2018, but at least one was trying. I could budget for ₦1.3 million as my rent, and buy foodstuff at Mile 12 around ₦300k and ₦400k every month. But with this inflation, it takes the grace of God to run a business.
In a week, I can spend up to ₦400k or even ₦450k per week on foodstuff, and my landlord increased next year’s rent to ₦2 million. I don’t even want to talk about overhead and payment of salaries. Three of my best employees left in August because of the ₦70k salary, but I can’t steal to pay these guys. My turnover since September has been ₦50k or less.
It’s becoming a huge issue for me to run this business and I’m this close to shutting everything down because of inflation. I might as well focus on getting referrals for special occasions.
What’s the biggest thing inflation has deprived you?
I’ve always wanted to be like Chef Stone and have my very own five-star restaurant, get global recognition, and even start my own catering school. But all of that may be on pause until we get a new era of government. Hopefully, things will pick up soon.
You can decide to believe your partner has sense, and hope they really have sense. Or you can save yourself from possible breakfast by getting inside information about who you’re dating that only their neighbour can give you.
And no, it’s not just for them to tell you if your neighbour is cheating. These are the ten other reasons.
Your partner may be a professional snorer
What if your partner’s snore can wake up an entire street? You may not know if you don’t live with them. You know who will? Their neighbour.
Your boo’s head might usually touch
Your partner may be one of those who shout “Up NEPA!” when they bring the light. Don’t you want to know that about them before catching feelings?
Your partner may be an Ikorodu Celine Dion
If you’ve never stayed over with your boo and seen them have their bath, you wouldn’t know if they sing terribly off-key versions of everything. Befriend their neighbour so they can give you the intel and save your ears.
Your boo might be a talkative
If they’re too close and chummy with their neighbour, it’s a red flag. Who does that?
They beef the neighbours
If they’re always fighting the people they live next to, it’s also a red flag. You want to marry someone who’ll be keeping malice with you?
Your partner may be a petty Betty
If you start hearing stories of how your boo used to pour salt in their neighbour’s generator or move other people’s clothes off the drying line, what’re you still doing in the relationship?
Your partner may be broke
Who knows if they’re borrowing fancy clothes to go on dates with you when in actual sense, they always beg their neighbours for salt and garri?
Your partner may be rich
They may also be forming “broke” with you to avoid billing, but somehow manage to fry chicken every night at home. Believe me, the neighbours know.
Your partner may actually be wicked
Because it’s only wicked people who’ll wake up on a Saturday morning and start blasting music from their speakers at the highest volume. Did anyone ask for a concert?
You may be dating yourself
Of course, we can’t end without mentioning the obvious. A word is enough for the wise.
But now, things are taking a turn for the worse as their medical well-being is also at stake. On October 21, the United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) issued a warning that 2.5 million people in Nigeria are at high risk of waterborne illnesses, drowning, and hunger.
[Image Source: Todayfmlive]
To have a deeper understanding of how serious the situation is, we spoke with a 66-year-old farmer, Ngozi Igwe, who was displaced by the floods in Omoku, Rivers State. She’s suffering from three illnesses — scabies, malaria, and typhoid — but is receiving little to no medical treatment. She told Citizen her story.
What was life like for you before the flood?
I was very happy about the rainy season because my crops — yam and cassava — weren’t doing so well for some time, and I thought the rain would help them grow faster. I didn’t know that floods would be the result of that kind of rain. Even though I didn’t have a lot of money, at least, life was better.
What’s it like living in an Internally Displaced Persons (IDP) camp?
It’s not been a joke at all. I’m not living well here. There’s no mosquito net and no mattress for me to sleep on. There’s no night that mosquitoes don’t bite me — they’ve finished my skin completely. I can’t sleep and my body is always hot. The sickness is too much.
And it’s not only me. I made a friend here, Peace, who’s suffering from severe typhoid, with constant body pains for five days. Even the little treatment she’s receiving here is not working.
How long have you been feeling ill?
I’ve been here since the beginning of September, so maybe six weeks.
Have you received any type of medical treatment?
We have o, but it’s not enough. It’s not even doctors treating us here, it’s pharmacists. Imagine o, one person has scabies, malaria, and typhoid, but no doctors are here to treat me.
The queues to receive the drugs are always long and you can stand for hours. They’re trying o but I wish I could see a proper doctor that can treat me better and give me drugs that can work fast. I have grandchildren that I would like to see grow up a bit before I die.
Who’s helping victims of the flood?
A resident of Rivers State and entrepreneur, Gloria Adie, popularly known as @MrsZanga on Twitter, has been spreading awareness about the flood crisis in parts of Rivers State. She told Citizen there were hardly any doctors in the Omoku region before the floods. Most of the available doctors work in government-run IDP camps and are hardly found in privately-run camps like the one Igwe stays in.
Adie also claimed that most of the hospitals in the area aren’t useful as the floods have submerged them and damaged medical equipment.
Zikoko Citizen tried to reach out to the pharmacist in charge of the camp, Peter Ologu, but he wasn’t available for comments.
Where’s the government?
The Federal Government has distributed relief materials to 21 states across Nigeria, but Rivers State is one of the 15 states still waiting for delivery. The state government has supported victims with a₦1 billion donation to provide relief materials but enough hasn’t gone around for them.
There has been no official mention of hospitals affected by the state government, but the Nigerian Navy has provided medical personnel to victims in Ahoada, Omoku, and Port Harcourt.
Like Igwe, Nigerians displaced by the flood are battling diseases, hunger, and severe displacement. The government needs to be more efficient in providing relief for them.
Growing up, I had this wild idea that bet shops were like social clubs for men — think school JETS club type— because no day would pass without my finding a crowd of sweaty men throwing terms like “over 1.5” as if they were trying to solve a math problem.
Obviously, now I know what sports betting is, and that it isn’t limited to a particular gender. I also know it can be a problem. A documentary on sports betting recently started an online conversation, and I just had to ask: why does it have such a strong pull on Nigerians?
I spoke to eight sports betting lovers, and here’s what they had to say.
“I have nothing to lose”
— Dare, 32. Male
I work in a school and only earn about ₦18k monthly. My salary never lasts a week, especially with a wife and two kids at home. It’s better for me to set out like ₦5k to bet because even if I don’t, the money will still finish. At least with betting, I have hope of multiplying my money. I sometimes lose, but I sometimes win the odd ₦10k.
“I can get lucky at any time”
— Kola, 30. Male
No one knows what’ll happen tomorrow. Even if I lose ₦10,000 today, I know it’s very possible for me to win ₦100,000 tomorrow — which will even cover what I previously lost, so I just keep trying. Who knows when my luck will shine?
“I do it for fun”
— Ope, 27. Male
It’s a way for me to relax after a hard day. My favourite hangout spot is a bar with a betting shop close by, and it’s normal for us guys to talk about games and place bets. Sometimes I get carried away and bet more than wisdom allows, but it’s like a bonding thing with my guys.
“It’s just something you do”
— Wumi, 23. Female
Almost everyone I know plays Baba Ijebu. What else is there to do when you struggle to make ₦1k last a whole week? At least, if you remove ₦150 to play a game, or even the lotto game we call “two sure”, there’s hope you can make more. Even if you lose, it’s just a part of life. I’m not sure I can stop.
“I usually have a good chance at winning”
— Sunday, 29. Male
I spend a minimum of ₦15k every week on sports betting. I’m a good football game analyst, so I started as a way of putting my predictions to good use. I used to win a lot in the beginning, but now the thrill has taken over and made me lose more. I think it’s also because I hardly think it through these days. But when I focus more, I usually have a good chance of winning.
“I’m not sure why I do it, honestly”
— Joe, 31. Male
I typically play virtual games, and if I’m being honest, I’ve lost far more than I’ve ever made. I’ve been betting for six years, and the most I’ve made at once was about ₦80,000. The money finished the same day I won it because of previous debts and the compulsory drinking with friends to celebrate.
I don’t know why I bet, honestly. I just know that any day I don’t visit the betting shop doesn’t feel complete.
I know betting is bad for you, but for me, the search for a “big win” never ends. Imagine booking live matches, and only one game spoils the ticket. You never stop thinking about how close you were to winning something huge. The only big win I’ve ever had was in 2019 when I won ₦120k. I’ve seen people win ₦500k, even ₦1 million. It can be me one day, so I keep playing.
“I love the thrill of it”
— Peter, 22. Male
Every bet I place increases my excitement level because you can never tell the one that’ll change your life forever. And with how things are in Nigeria, one will just die of depression if you don’t do things that get you excited.
Of course, losing money doesn’t excite you, but I try to reduce my loss by not being too greedy. Some people will place bets up to 20 times at a go, hoping to recover the money lost. But if I play and lose like seven times at a shot, I give up and try the next day. I’m not sure how much I bet monthly because it really depends on how the games look.
There’s money, and there’s bastard money. Urgent ₦2k is money, but bastard money is money you’ll make, and you really can’t even believe you made it.
You’d be looking at your account balance like:
That’s the kind of money we want to teach you how to make. Take notes.
Become the British Prime Minister
Don’t think about your qualifications or that you’re still in Nigeria. Just use every means to get there, then you can resign after 45 days. Boom, salary for life.
Kidnap Elon Musk
The guy is worth $212 billion. Imagine what 1% of that money as ransom would do in your life.
Or marry him
Just convince him to fall head over heels in love, and your finances will work themselves out.
Sell your body parts
Don’t limit it to your kidney. The liver is valuable, too — anything for the bag.
The Commissioner for the Environment and Water Resources, Tunji Bello, said the areas may be affected because of the Lagos lagoon. Water in the lagoon has reached its highest level and is now threatening to spill over into these areas. The government expects the floods to cause a mess in the streets and major roads of the affected areas.
What’s the government doing?
According to Bello, the government is currently draining water channels across the state and constructing new ones. There’s also a quick response Emergency Flood Abatement Gang set up to free up manholes that may cause blockage.
What should affected Lagosians do?
[Image source: Punch Newspapers]
The commissioner advised Lagosians in the affected areas to do these three things:
Since he won the presidential ticket of the All Progressives Congress (APC) in June 2022, all we heard from Bola Tinubu was that it was his turn to be president. But on October 21, 2022, he finally released a manifesto titled Renewed Hope 2023 to back up his entitled “emi lokan” campaign.
Tinubu promised that his manifesto would provide the “true and innovative solutions” that Nigeria needs to address its challenges, so we had to read this 80-page document so you don’t have to.
Here are some of the interesting things we found that Tinubu has promised to do for Nigerians if he becomes president in 2023.
No more police guards for VIPs
It’s not a secret that the Nigeria Police Force (NPF) is understaffed. Yet, many of the ones we currently have are acting as bodyguards for the highest bidder. They even help their VIP clients carry handbags sometimes.
But Tinubu’s manifesto promises to free police officers from being guards for VIPs if he becomes president. The VIP guard and bag-carrying job will now go to officers of the Nigeria Security and Civil Defence Corps (NSCDC) while the NPF undergoes critical reform.
What it means for Nigerians
Nigeria is suffering from insecurity on a scale that’s never been seen before. We need police officers to be fighting crime, not acting as glorified guards. But Nigerians shouldn’t hold their breaths for this promise because every Inspector-General of Police (IGP) since 1914 and even Buhari have tried and failed to make this change happen.
The import substitution plan
Remember how Buhari has been hostile towards importation and even has a ban list for the importation of certain items like rice? Well, Tinubu’s manifesto promises to follow in his footsteps and discourage reliance on imports through policy measures like luxury taxes and higher tariffs. Buhari tried border closure at some point, so we wouldn’t be surprised if that’s on the table for Tinubu too.
What it means for Nigerians
Tinubu’s anti-import plan promises to incentivise international brands to set up manufacturing plants in Nigeria. The manifesto also notes that there’ll be support for local manufacturing and production. But if we’ve learnt anything from Buhari’s anti-import policies over the past seven years, there’s a lot to fear about this part of Tinubu’s manifesto.
The agbado master cemented his love for ‘cassava, garri, ewa” and other crops with the promise to establish a commodity board. The major objective of the board is to control the prices of staple crops.
Tinubu believes price control will help Nigerian farmers gain their daily ₦2k for their business.
What it means for Nigerians
Nigeria doesn’t have a good history with price-fixing and there’s little to suggest Tinubu’s plan won’t fail the economy like the others in the past. Let’s see how things turn out.
The content creators’ plan
If you thought Buhari’s attempts to regulate social media were bad, wait until you hear about Tinubu’s plan for content creators if he becomes president. The candidate plans to create a Presidential Creative Industry Advisory Team which would review the legislative framework of the creative industry.
What it means for Nigerians
Tinubu says the goal of this plan is to create a better business environment for Nigerian creatives, but we’ve seen all the memes about him and won’t put social media regulation attempts past him.
The inflation plan that’s not really a plan
In his manifesto, Tinubu has found a revolutionary action plan for inflation that’s certain to change Nigeria’s economy. That solution, ladies and gentlemen, is to study inflation.
One fact is clear — the number of women in Nigeria’s political space is very low.
Tinubu wants to address this and has promised to allocate 35% of all government positions to women. He even plans to strongly encourage private institutions to reserve a minimum number of senior positions for women. Who knew Tinubu is such a feminist?
What it means for Nigerians
If this plan works, we may be seeing more women becoming senators, and governors, and maybe even sitting in Aso Rock Villa.
The only issue with the plan is it’s only offering women 35% when they’re half of the population. Why can’t important government positions be split 50-50 between both genders?
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 36-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about learning to save while jumping molue as a teenager, her experiences with sugar daddies and her rocky path to financial independence.
What makes you happy right now?
That at this point in my life, I’m financially independent. I have a steady paycheck and savings, and I don’t rely on anybody for anything. Although, as a baby girl, I won’t tell you no if you say you want to take care of me. But for myself, I’m financially independent as long as the naira doesn’t become extinct.
Asking for a friend. How does one achieve financial independence?
I became financially independent sometime in 2021, and I didn’t have a job then. I was doing a lot of side gigs — writing, planning events. But I’ve worked since the holiday between my secondary school graduation and university, so it’s taken a while, a lot of denying myself, to build a savings account I’m proud of. Then I invest the savings in things that would bring me returns on a monthly and yearly basis. I developed the habit of saving at a young age.
Ah, you’re one of God’s favourites
LOL. Oh God, I was so razz when I was young. My father would’ve killed me if he knew, but in secondary school, my parents would give me transport money, and I’d use it to jump molue. I had this friend I used to come back home from school with, and I would lap her on the bus every day. A seat cost ₦50, so I’d pay today, and she’d pay tomorrow.
I just loved jumping molue like my version of an extreme sport, instead of the smaller buses that moved like snails, which my father believed were safer. Safe was boring, and I couldn’t save my money on those buses. There was this particular conductor. When he saw us coming in our uniform, he would tell us to go straight to the back. And sometimes, he wouldn’t even collect money from us. I started saving all those extra ₦50s.
I have absolutely no idea how I knew to do this instinctively. I guess I’ve always loved money, LOL. I didn’t know it then, but it helped me develop a culture of saving over time. And as my earnings increased, I increased how much I saved.
What do you spend any of the saved money on?
Well, I used those ₦50s to buy things my parents otherwise wouldn’t buy for me. Don’t ask me what. But now, it’s just investments. I don’t like to spend on things, so I mostly save to invest or travel.
Tell us about your career journey
It’s been rocky. But in my current position as executive assistant to the CEO of a media company, I’m hoping to find fulfilment financially, mentally and career-wise. I have a rule to only stay at a workplace for two years, so I’ve worked in a lot of places in the last 11 years. I’ve worked in e-commerce, logistics, tech, media and hospitality. I want to have a rounded experience in different industries.
Sounds like you want to build a conglomerate soon
That sounds amazing, to have a conglomerate of my own!
I’ve always been curious, which is probably why my spirit animal is a cat. No matter the industry I find myself in, I want to know what the different departments are doing and learn about the company as a whole. I plan to take everything I’ve studied from every industry and start a consulting firm.
My dream is for companies to pay me to travel to different countries. I’ll write stuff about things like hotels and places to visit.
Scratch that; my real dream is to voice the lead villain character in a Walt Disney or Pixar animation — doing voice-overs is one of my side gigs. If I do that, I can die happy.
OMG, same. What does being financially independent look like right now?
I can feed myself, pay for my transportation to anywhere I want to go — not molues anymore but private cabs — cover most bills and take care of my mother. I took a trip to Rwanda last year, which I paid for myself; I’m already planning to visit Morocco and South Africa next year. To be able to pay my bills and do my own thing whenever and however I want is so satisfying.
Now, I’m saving to invest in a building I can use for something like an Airbnb. Real estate companies propose investing with them to develop a residential property and rent it out. Then you get a return monthly or biannually. That’s my goal for next year.
What was life like before this?
There’ve been times when I didn’t have a job, and my livelihood depended on other people’s kindness. I had to ask for every little thing I wanted. Those periods were traumatic for me, and I’ve buried them very deep in my subconscious, so I don’t remember. I never want to be in that situation again, which is why some people call me a workaholic today. I have a nine-to-five and still have side gigs. You know the Will Smith movie, In Pursuit of Happyness. I don’t just want happiness, I want wealth too.
Who were you dependent on, your family or significant others?
Actually, both. You should be able to ask family for things, but if I have to ask you for money, then are we really family? I know things are difficult, and the economy isn’t what it used to be when elder brothers and sisters would randomly send you money. But still, if I have to ask, it means you don’t check up on me normally, so you don’t really care about my welfare.
If anyone wants to take care of me, I would gladly allow them as long as we aren’t dependent on each other. It’s nice to be asked what you want to eat: “I’m going to this place. Would you like to follow me?” “Where are you going on vacation? Let me buy your ticket,” or “I’ll send you a blank check. Write a number and do what you want”. Those kinds of things are nice even when I’m earning my own money; it’s nice to be taken care of.
Sounds like you’re describing a sugar daddy
Yes. Even if I get to have some fun with a sugar daddy who has sense and is willing to financially, sexually and mentally support me, I still want to have my own vex money. So there’ll never be a time he’ll say, “I made you”. You didn’t make me in any way. You just spent on me, and in exchange, I gave you company, good sex and other things.
If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why
Have you ever had a sugar daddy?
I have a few times. I wish I had one right now — not even one, like three. But I haven’t had a sugar daddy in about seven or eight years. TBH, they bored me easily, especially when they start talking about their wife and kids. I was with my last one for like two years. I ate him well, but I got tired.
If you’re going to be a sugar daddy, at least, know how to play the game. My business is enjoyment. My job is to eat your money and have great sex with you. Why are you telling me about your family? After two years, I did what we now call “ghosting”. I ghosted him completely.
What’s it like having one?
In my experience, older men like younger women because they believe we’re sexually more creative. When many of them got married, they didn’t have access to information on different sexual positions, aphrodisiacs and toys as readily as we do now.
The advantage of dating a much older man is they tend to pet and dote on you and give you whatever you want. It’s the poor ones who package, and then, give excuses that business is bad or they just paid school fees. Like, what the fuck do I care?
Ah
Sometimes, I’d feel guilty using someone’s husband to do acrobatics in the bedroom. But it’s not my fault their husband decided to look elsewhere. If a rich man comes my way, I won’t say no. Imagine him giving me foreign currency, with our naira that’s depreciated so bad. Of course, I’ll play the game well.
The con is they think they know everything. You tell them something, and they’ll be like, “No, I’m older than you. I know better.” They wouldn’t be going around chasing young girls if they knew anything. There’s also always the distant fear of having acid thrown in your face.
But how did you find them?
I found a particular one at the bus stop on my way to my afternoon shift at work in 2013. He had this really sexy black car — I don’t remember the make, unfortunately. I’ve always loved cars, so I was admiring this one and wasn’t even looking at the driver. Then, he wound down, and I saw him sitting all laid back with only his left hand on the wheel.
He asked where I was going. We were heading in the same direction, pretty far away, so he offered me a ride. He was married with three kids and a businessman. He came to pick me up when I closed from work, and we went out for dinner. He took me to a local place where we had isi ewu in two wooden bowls, and that’s how it started. He would travel and bring me gifts from every trip.
I enjoyed that for like a year and a half until he did the one thing that goes against all the glucose guardian rules.
What did he do?
Somehow, his wife got my number. I was at work one evening when she called and just started raining abuses on me. I cut the call. She used her daughter’s phone to call back. I blocked both numbers and sent him a message: “It’s not that deep. How can you be so careless? Why is your wife calling me? Why is your daughter calling me?”
He called me apologising that he didn’t know how she got it or he left his phone somewhere. In my mind, I was like, what if she found out where I live? He kept calling and sending messages, even money, for about two weeks, but I was done. I had to block him.
Wow
That’s the story of how I met one of my sugar daddies. Nothing fantastic or romantic. I’ve actually noticed it’s when I stop looking that they start coming. If I decide I want to find a sugar daddy and put in the work, I never find. So I can’t really say there’s a technique.
There are places they claim you can find them, but that was before. They now have sense, and they know people are looking for them, coupled with the state of the economy. Before, they’d try to hide the fact that they’re married. Now, they’re bold, choosy and full of themselves. It’s so annoying.
I still want to live a baby girl life, but I’m fiercely independent. I have a low tolerance for unnecessary masculine behaviour like when they ask, “Who are you talking to? Who was that on the phone?” When they start talking about their family — I hate that one — or start giving excuses when I ask for money. I’m like, “Hello. Why are you a glucose guardian if you can’t give glucose?”
What’s your relationship life been like beyond that?
My relationship life has been almost non-existent. I can’t remember the last time I was in one, to be honest. I’ve had more flings in the past seven years than relationships. I don’t know what that says about me, but I’m fine.
You know, I’m not cursed or anything. I just don’t know why it’s like that. I try not to allow it to disturb me because, as I said, I’m all about my pursuit of wealth. I’m just trying to have a career, make money and be happy. If my happiness would involve a man, fine. If it doesn’t, I just want to be happy.
For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here
It’s the end of the year, AKA wedding season, and everyone plus their entire family is getting married. First off, how are you people funding weddings in this economy?
That’s their business, TBH. But if your friends are getting married, it means you have to attend weddings and give them gifts. In other words, money is leaving your account. How do you manage this without showing your poverty or going bankrupt? Your pocket will thank us for these ten gift ideas.
Your mother’s pots
Every Nigerian mother has a bottomless store of ancient kitchen utensils. Just take one and give the couple.
Handkerchief
Ever been to a wedding where the groom starts crying profusely at the sight of his bride? Your gift will definitely be the most thoughtful one.
Rent
Don’t shout yet. We don’t mean pay their rent. You can save them rent by offering to have them live with you instead. Three of you may go hungry, but a gift is a gift.
Prayer
Like our Sunday school teachers drilled into our heads, prayer is the master key. If they’re creative with it, they can take your prayer to mean car keys, house keys, etc. You get the drift.
Relationship advice
Everyone knows the best relationship advice comes from single people, so go ahead and gift them from your wealth of breakfast experience.
Spoons
We all know spoons are the first to get lost in a Nigerian home. You’re looking out for them and making sure they never have to eat rice with their hands.
Mug set
If you can’t afford the customised ones, just get ordinary white mugs and use a marker to write “His” and “Hers” on them. Too much sense.
Aso-ebi is already your ticket to attending the wedding. But in this economy, buying the aso-ebi is also equal to gifting the couple. We don’t make the rules.
Your partner
Hear us out. You’d be helping them keep their marriage spicy right off the bat. Sounds like a great gift to us.
Money
As long as you put the money in an unlabelled envelope and just squeeze it into their hands, they won’t know you’re the one who gifted them ₦2k.
Sometimes, it’s easy to forget Nigeria still has a president running things in Abuja. You’d be forgiven for thinking the country is on autopilot because the number one citizen is often missing in the face of major issues that affect Nigerians.
But you’d never catch the president taking as much interest in critical issues like fuel scarcity or the flooding crisis that has claimed over 600 lives in Nigeria in 2022.
On October 24, 2022, the president finally decided to take a more active interest in the flooding crisis when he ordered a committee to develop a comprehensive plan of action for preventing flood disasters in Nigeria. We’re assuming he tried to ban the floods first but moved on to the next ridiculous solution when that didn’t work.
Predictably, Buhari’s 90-day timeline for a plan has caused a stir online because it’s not addressing the present crisis. Do you know what can happen in 90 days? The United Kingdom can have three prime ministers, Asake can release seven studio albums, and you can find your soulmate in America if you’re a contestant on 90 Day Fiancé.
A match co-produced by sapa and japa
Since we can’t do anything to make Buhari’s timeline shorter, we have some suggestions for what the committee should include in the 90-day plan.
How to be an empathetic leader
You’re more likely to find Buhari at a political event than at the scene of a disaster where the president can show empathy for the affected citizens.
“Can’t I just send a tweet instead?”
Like many other disasters that have happened under his administration, Buhari has kept from visiting displaced flood victims because it’d ruin his manicure or put the hem of his garment in danger of touching the water.
When the committee presents the 90-day plan to him in 2023, there must be an entire section dedicated to “How to be a leader that cares” just for Buhari. They can make it a cartoon if that helps him understand better.
The federal government has caught the most flak for the ongoing flood crisis, but there should be some whipping reserved for state governors too.
Nigeria actually has what’s called a “triple response structure” for disasters like flooding. The response starts from the local government to the state before it lands on the federal government when it becomes a national-level emergency. All three levels of government are allocated funds every month for ecology and disaster management.
This means local and state governments should’ve responded better to the disaster before it became as bad as it has in the past couple of months. Instead, governors are carrying their begging bowls to the federal government and private citizens to do their jobs for them. State governors need to be more useful and that should be put on record in Buhari’s plan.
We don’t want them reacting like this:
Thousands of Kogi State residents have been displaced by floods, but you wouldn't know that from looking at Governor Yahaya Bello's social media activity. pic.twitter.com/9D7AVIKx5K
How to manage a disaster without saying nonsense in public
While millions of Nigerians were reeling from the devastation the floods have caused in their lives, the Minister of Water Resources, Suleiman Adamu, was on television trying to explain what caused the crisis. In his losing battle to absolve the government of blame for not preparing well enough, he said the floods were caused by “water that we’re blessed with from the sky”.
Here's what our Minister of Water Resources Engr Suleiman Adamu said when asked what caused the flooding in Nigeria. pic.twitter.com/rXq2ya2lTG
It’s hard to imagine millions of Nigerians currently consider it a blessing, so maybe he should’ve just called it “rain” like every other person not turned on by public embarrassment.
The plan should include a section on government officials learning to speak like human beings in times like this. But we’re not holding our breath here because the same minister is coordinating this plan Buhari wants to use to fix flooding in Nigeria forever.
How to take medicine before death
The mathematics is simple — over 600 Nigerians wouldn’t be dead, and over 2.5 million wouldn’t be displaced if all levels of the Nigerian government did their jobs. Their failure to be more proactive in disaster management is the reason millions of Nigerians are suffering.
It’d be nice if the committee can find a section in their plan to note that the government sucks and should be doing better.
But while they put this plan together, the more pressing issue the government should address is how to help the victims right now and not in 90 days.
The Nigerian Voter is a series that seeks to understand the motivations that drive the voting decisions of Nigerians — why they vote, how they pick their candidates, why some have never voted and their wildest stories around elections.
For our pilot edition of The Nigerian Voter, Citizen discussed with Mama Ibeji*, a Nigerian woman, in her late 40s, who sells fabrics at Tejuosho Market, Lagos State. She told us about her voting experiences, preferred candidate, and the impact elections have had on her livelihood.
For how long have you worked in the market now? What do you sell?
I have worked there for over five years now. I sell crepe, chiffon, organza — clothing materials in general.
Have you voted before?
This country ehn, there’s nothing that used to make me vote before. The only time I voted was in the “Sai Baba” (Muhammadu Buhari) period in 2015. I remember them sharing all these small bags of rice then and I thought Buhari would end all the nonsense that happened regarding Boko Haram and the Chibok girls at that time. I didn’t know his tenure would be worse than Jonathan’s own.
Do you remember what the voting process was like in 2015?
Hmmm, not so much o. I know that I went to Oke-Odo Primary School to vote because the place is located near my house. I stood under the sun for many hours, but I was able to vote before evening time.
Why didn’t you vote again after 2015?
I didn’t because I was no longer interested. When I heard that Buhari was running for president again in 2019, I became disinterested in the whole affair of voting because I knew that Tinubu would help him win. It was best that I focused on my business.
Hmm. How do you then feel about Tinubu running for president in 2023?
He shouldn’t run at all. That one that his hands shake. He has not done anything for Lagos o, that one is not my president.
How’s the election season affecting your business?
With the state of the country right now, money is not in circulation. But I know that when elections come, candidates release money for campaigns. The market may change by then.
Also, a lot of agberos (street touts) are on the streets in Tejuosho. They don’t want us to rest, with their consistent demands of owo da (where is their money?) They’re so eager to collect money that they didn’t work for.
What’s the money used for?
The agberos say the money is for the government, for the local government. But some people also say that Tinubu also owns the money as well.
How much do you pay?
It depends. Sometimes we pay ₦1,000 every market day, and our market days fall on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
Hmm, that’s ₦3,000 every week?
Yes o. Some people pay ₦3,000 per market day, it depends on the portion of space that each trader owns.
Who do you plan to vote for 2023, and why?
If I’ll vote, it’s Peter Obi I’ll vote for. This present government has shown us shege — the dollar rises all the time and the market doesn’t have a steady price. Even buying goods for sale seems pointless because it’s highly unlikely that we would buy those goods for the same price tomorrow. And everything happened under APC. I’m tired.
The United States Agency for International Development (USAID) is donating $1 million to Nigeria due to a flooding crisis that has affected over 2.5 million people.
[Image Source: The Guardian]
The U.S. Ambassador to Nigeria, Mary Beth Leonard, announced on October 20, 2022 the donation would help local partners to provide emergency shelter assistance, relief commodities, and hygiene kits. The goal of the relief effort is to promote safe and healthy practices and cash assistance for people impacted by the devastating floods.
The U.S. is afraid that the crisis is making Nigeria’s already critical humanitarian situation worse. The ambassador expressed worry that stagnant floodwaters will increase the risk of cholera outbreaks in affected areas.
[Image source: Relief Web]
Ambassador Leonard promised Nigerians, “USAID disaster experts will continue monitoring the situation in close coordination with humanitarian partners and the Government of Nigeria to assess needs and determine if additional assistance is required.”
The U.S. has maintained a history of providing humanitarian assistance to Nigeria. The USAID has provided more than $356 million in humanitarian assistance to Nigeria in 2022 alone. This life-saving assistance is in addition to USAID’s annual $539 million development budget for Nigeria.
What does this mean for Nigerians?
The money coming in would be of great help to Nigerian victims of floods who have complained of government neglect. The monetary compensation will help to sustain them while they count their losses. The aid would also help with the clearing of major drainage systems within the affected states as well as the provision of better camps, relief items, and facilities for Internally Displaced People (IDP).
That night continues to be the defining moment of a movement young Nigerians remain proud of. But there are still questions about if it was worth the sacrifice and if it changed anything.
We spoke to Nigerians who’ve been vocal about the movement for their thoughts.
Obianuju Iloanya — social justice campaigner
“Being a survivor of police brutality, I can assure you nothing has changed for most families — and I’m in contact with most of them. It’s still business as usual. We went to the judicial panels, but some states didn’t even release their reports.
They say they disbanded SARS, but what happened to the people working under SARS? Were there psychological evaluations for them or were they just added back to the Force? I don’t think there’ve been any marked changes within the Police Force or the government.
Is it that the Nigerian Police is unchangeable and cannot be reformed? Is it the leadership or the junior officers not getting the memo from the top? We need the police to be overhauled, and maybe we do need community policing. We need the police to be responsive.”
Olubiyi “Oli Ekun” Tobiloba — actor, influencer
“The EndSARS protest was successful, but not all the way. When everybody came out, it was more like, “We really have to come out for this, and they have to hear our voice”. Unfortunately, the protest was disrupted by the massacre in Lekki.
The protest wasn’t fruitless because they know what we can do now. As a result of our actions, police officials are more responsive to complaints from the public. I’ve seen them bring rogue officers to book and show them to the public. That wasn’t happening before.
But more can be done. I’d love to be able to dial an emergency number to report crimes in progress. And officers should be paid well.”
Eromosele “Eromz” Adene — activist
“One can’t ignore that the police force have put a lot of PROs online just to show people, “We’re here, and you can talk to us.” To an extent, police issues are easier to deal with because a lot of people who would naturally message me, or other civilian activists, now message these PROs. From the feedback we get, most of them have their issues resolved. The PROs’ numbers are also out there online, and you can call them at any time of the day.
Has the harassment reduced or stopped? I’d say, for me, it’s reduced because of fear on the side of the police that the youths may organise a bigger EndSARS, not because they really want to. The police still physically abuse many people. I still get complaints about harassment and extortion by the police. It may not be of the same magnitude as before the protest, but it’s still there.
EndSARS didn’t need to happen for the police to stop killing people — it’s basic empathy and respect for human lives. There are so many things the government can do to reform the police. Once you pay well, half of the issues will go. You don’t pay them well, their houses are nothing to write home about, their kids go to subpar schools and they’re not even on scholarships. These guys have to feed. It’s not hard to pay them well and stop stealing their money.
Generally, EndSARS was more than successful, and we’ll continue to benefit from it. If you check the attitude of the youths, it was the first time we came together, putting everything aside, to make demands for better leadership. EndSARS was a catalyst for a lot of things.”
Rinu Oduala — activist and social justice advocate
“After the Nigerian government dissolved SARS in October 2020, the Police Force continued to extort and brutalise innocent citizens. The reports of the judicial panels have not met expectations.
Police reform should be about building trust between the police and citizens. We’re supposed to have the NPF working with technology and social media. I’ve seen a lot of PROs of state commands on social media, but it looks as if their only function is to launder the image of the police force without actually treating the main causes of why they’re there — to make sure citizens regain trust in the Police Force.
The biggest stumbling block to police reform is political will. The Nigerian state isn’t interested in police reform. The police as an institution in Nigeria currently serves the interest of politicians. Why end police brutality if the police are being used to oppress the citizenry? Like Mr Femi Falana (SAN) says, Nigeria has some of the best laws in the whole world, but there’s no implementation. There have been recommendations, reports, committees and panels, but the Nigerian government isn’t interested in them.
What citizens can do is keep using their voices to ask for accountability. As long as the criminals in uniform don’t stop killing us, we need to keep voicing out. There has to be more citizen action.
The EndSARS movement is a success because it’s still alive in our hearts. One of its successes is it unified Nigerians across platforms — we all called for an end to police brutality together. It showed that we could put aside our differences to come together for a common goal.”
Ajibola Grey — influencer
“We had many unspoken goals for EndSARS. We didn’t get to achieve all of them, but the world heard us. We fought, shook the government and passed our message. To an extent, police brutality has reduced. Even in cases where there’s police harassment, the institution swings into action very fast to attend to the situation. We’re now aware of our rights and what’s going on in the country.
But police reform will never be enough until every single policeman in this country respects the rights of citizens. People are more scared of policemen than of thieves.
We need an entire re-orientation of the Police Force. We can’t deny these people need to be taken care of — they’re badly paid and don’t live in good conditions. A hungry man can do almost anything — the government needs to stop making these people suffer because their job is risky.”
It's been 2 years since the #LekkiMassacre & Nigerians are still subjected to various degrees of police brutality.
It seems as though peaceful protesters can never catch a break in Nigeria, as police brutality reared its ugly head again during the EndSARS memorial procession at the Lekki Toll Gate in Lagos State on October 20, 2022.
[Image source: PUNCH Newspapers]
Nigerian celebrities, Folarin Falana, aka Falz, and Adebowale Adedayo, aka, Mr Marcaroni, led the protest in honour of young Nigerians killed by security forces at the toll gate on October 20, 2020.
Police officers interrupted the procession to request that protesters remove a coffin, which was a symbolic reference to the 2020 victims. The protesters refused and the police started to shoot tear gas canisters.
[Image source: PUNCH Newspapers]
[Image source: Punch Newspapers]
A journalist who works for Arise TV, Oba Adeoye, was also allegedly harassed.
As a flooding disaster sweeps through many states in Nigeria, millions of Nigerians are experiencing hardship. Since the start of 2022, over 600 lives have been lost and over a million people have become homeless.
[Image source: Leadership Newspapers]
The recent wave of disasters has hit communities in Kogi, Adamawa, Anambra, Benue, Yobe, and many others. But similar ugly scenes may be about to play out in Lagos State.
A warning for Lagosians
The Lagos State Commissioner for the Environment and Water Resources, Tunji Bello, announced early in October that communities near the banks of the Ogun River are at risk of flooding. Other communities are also at risk due to the release of water from the overflowing Oyan Dam in Ogun State.
Which Lagos communities are at risk?
The Lagos State government said the following areas could be flooded at any moment:
Ketu
Alapere
Agric
Owode Onirin
Ajegunle
Alagbole
Kara
Isheri Olowora
Araromi Otun Orisha community
Agiliti
Maidan
Mile 12
Odo Ogun
Owode Elede
Agboyi 1
Agboyi II
Agboyi III
What does this mean for affected Lagosians?
The most important move for residents of the affected areas is to relocate to safer, higher ground. But it’s unclear whether the government is providing temporary shelters for them.
For those that are unable to move ahead of time, it’s important to stay vigilant for any drastic change in the environment to ensure they’re not stranded. They should also always stay informed to get ahead of any potential disaster.
36 years ago, on October 19, 1986, a messenger delivered a mail package to a residence in Ikeja, Lagos State. The guard at the gate passed the parcel to Billy Giwa who then passed it on to the recipient named on the package, Dele Giwa, a journalist and co-founder of Newswatch.
When Dele Giwa opened the package, it exploded and he died shortly after.
[Image source: Guardian]
Giwa’s unfortunate assassination — still unresolved — has become a rallying point for press freedom in Nigeria, but we first have to understand his impact.
Who was Dele Giwa?
Dele Giwa was born in Ile-Ife, Osun State, on March 16, 1947. He earned an English degree at Brooklyn College in 1977 and a Master’s in Public Communication from Fordham University. In 1980, Giwa joined ‘The Sunday Concord’.
[Image source: Biographical Legacy and Research Foundation]
Giwa was imprisoned for two weeks in 1983 for his work as the editor of ‘The Sunday Concord’ newspaper. In 1984, with other journalists interested in pursuing a high standard of journalism in Nigeria, he founded ‘Newswatch’ and became the magazine’s first editor-in-chief. The magazine redefined investigative journalism in Nigeria and grew to have a circulation of around 50,000 readers.
By 1986, ‘Newswatch’ had begun criticising the military administration of General Ibrahim Babangida. When Dele Giwa was assassinated on October 19, 1986, he had just recently written an article on the second-tier foreign exchange market (SFEM), a Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) policy introduced at the time. In the piece, Giwa said if SFEM failed, the people would stone “their leaders in the streets.” Two days before his assassination, he was questioned by officials of the State Security Services (SSS) on the article, and he replied by saying that nothing about his article was offensive. The rest, they say, is history.
What’s the state of press freedom in Nigeria after 36 years?
It’s sad to note that not much has changed about press freedom in Nigeria since Giwa’s death. In 2021, the Nigerian Union of Journalists (NUJ) reported that at least 120 journalists had been detained in the country and that many others had fled abroad to avoid harassment, threats, and death.
The events that played out during the EndSARS protests of 2020 showed how much behind Nigeria is still suffering from a lack of press freedom.
[Image source: Stephen Tayo]
On October 24, 2020, police officers shot Pelumi Onifade, a 20-year-old journalist, while he was covering a protest. Despite wearing a professional jacket, the officials arrested the injured journalist and he died in custody.
Ope Adetayo, a journalist who covered the 2021 EndSARS memorial for Al Jazeera, told The Republic of the threats he continued to face days after the event. Adetayo’s report claimed that many young Nigerians were still subjected to police brutality despite the 2020 #EndSARS protests and that the protesters’ demands for reforms had not been met.
After publishing the story, the journalist received his first hate mail from an unknown sender who copied several editors of Al Jazeera and warned him against painting Nigeria in a bad light. Although he ignored the email, Adetayo said he was scared and spent time after “constantly looking over his shoulders.”
Nigeria ranked 129 out of 180 countries in the 2022 World Press Freedom Index compiled by Reporters Without Borders (RSF), a decline from 120 and 115 in 2021 and 2020 respectively. RSF also named Nigeria one of “West Africa’s most dangerous and difficult” countries for journalists to work in.
Predictably, the Nigerian government publicly criticised this index, claiming that the Nigerian press is both empowered and free. This is a claim that many journalists in Nigeria have disputed, pointing to several recent examples of the government attempting to clamp down on the media and press.
[Image source: Daily Post Nigeria]
Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
The key to enjoying full press freedom in Nigeria is a government that’s not tyrannical and a press that’ll fight for its rights. Nigeria needs more policies that would protect journalists from harassment in their line of duty.
As the Vice President of the Nigerian Union of Journalists (NUJ), Ronke Samo, rightly said “While we urge our colleagues to be discreet and professional in performing their duties so as to avoid possible pitfalls and banana peels, we equally urge the state to urgently formulate policies and put in place frameworks that would protect the press from this emerging threat from advancement in digital technology. This should be done in a most patriotic manner because of the fact that a truly free press will bring progress, fairness, justice, and true freedom to our society.”
October 10, 2022, was a day of pride for the Nigerian government, as security agents set fire to a vessel used for crude oil theft in the Niger Delta.
[Image source: Sahara Reporters]
However, many Nigerians didn’t believe that this was a victory worth celebrating. The presidential candidate of the African Action Congress (AAC), Yele Sowore, believes the vessel was destroyed in order to cover up the Nigerian government’s involvement in crude oil theft.
Crude oil theft is as old as the day it was it was discovered in the small town of Oloibiri, Bayelsa State, in 1956.
Given that Nigeria makes most of its total national revenue from exporting oil, the country loses billions of naira to the private pockets of thieves. These billions of naira could be better spent on national development — if politicians don’t steal it first.
The trend of petroleum pipeline vandalism in Nigeria has escalated over the years. For example, vandalism incidents surged from 57 incidents in 1998 to over 2,500 incidents in 2008.
Notably, in the 2000s, the Movement for the Emancipation of Niger Delta (MEND) and other militant groups organised attacks on oil industry infrastructure. Many militant leaders gained regional power and influence and made the rebellion a key problem of the Nigerian government and oil companies in the Niger Delta.
The situation eventually evolved into an all-comers affair that we now have today with everyone trying to illegally fill their pockets with the golden goose that’s crude oil.
A connection is made to an existing oil pipeline without interrupting oil flow.
Cold tapping
This involves the use of a drilling machine to branch a pipe offline from the existing network.
Oil bunkering
This involves stealing crude oil directly from oil companies and channeling the product into tanks
Regular stealing
The oil product is transported to oil shipping terminals for export.
Who’s stealing Nigeria’s oil?
Between January 2022 and June 2022, the Nigeria Upstream Petroleum Regulatory Commission (NUPRC) reported that Nigeria’s oil output dropped by 12.5%. In that period, Nigeria lost between 200,000 to 400,000 barrels of oil per day. See how bad it is?
In 2019, the governor of Rivers State, Nyesom Wike, said oil theft is impossible to stop in Nigeria because it’s sponsored by influential people. Critics like Sowore have accused the top military and government officials, highly-placed and retired oil industry personnel, and politicians of benefitting from the theft.
How can Nigeria stop oil thieves?
How can the Nigerian government reduce oil theft? Well, we have a few ideas:
Improve ship registration: Crews on ships can easily change the names of flags, logos, etc. Listings of these crude oil ships must include the ship’s beneficial ownership and be aligned with international maritime safety protocols.
Ship-to-ship transfer must be monitored by the Ministry of Petroleum. But how can one get to do that effectively when the petroleum minister is the president? Hmm.
Vessel clearance practices around oil installations must be strengthened.
The government should refine due diligence practices.
The Chinese government has set up “overseas police stations” all over the world to keep track of its citizens, as reported by THISDAY on October 17, 2022.
President Xi Jinping of China [Image source: Johannes Eisele/AFP/Getty Images]
The Chinese Communist Party calls them, “110 Overseas Police Service Centres” to crack down on all kinds of illegal and criminal activities involving Chinese in the diaspora. These stations are run in various parts of Africa, Europe, and America, according to a report by Safeguard Defenders.
In Nigeria, the Fuzhou-Run overseas police “Service Station” is reported to be located in Benin City, Edo State.
How does the station work?
Well, the Chinese are setting up the centers in a bid to combat fraud committed by citizens abroad. Chinese authorities have claimed that from April 2021 to July 2022, 230,000 nationals were “persuaded” to return to China to face criminal proceedings. The “persuasion” happened through harassment and intimidation methods, such as threatening the family members of overseas citizens, according to the report.
According to Safeguard Defenders, “These operations eschew official bilateral police and judicial cooperation and violate the international rule of law, and may violate the territorial integrity of third countries involved in setting up a parallel policing mechanism using illegal methods.”
What will Nigeria do?
The Nigerian government hasn’t reacted to the report yet, but everyone is curious about the next line of action. Will we shut down illegal Chinese operations or allow them to continue the fight against corruption? Are we strong enough to stand up to a country we’re owing over $3.48 billion?
What problems do you have? Pleasing your partner’s parents? Passing IELTS? Fighting your account manager because your last transfer didn’t go through? Your japa plans aren’t clicking? Like it or not, the invisible “s” in life is for stress, and it’ll follow us wherever we go.
But do you know something that’ll never disappoint or add to your stress, though? These food combos.
Hot akara and today’s agege bread
Put the akara inside the bread and proceed to squeeze it like you’re trying to choke that conductor that ran away with your ₦50 change five years ago. Then slam it with a chilled can of Malta Guinness. Wiun.
Jollof rice and Malta Guinness
Plus chicken and egg that they forgot inside pepper stew. Ever been to the clouds before? Welcome home, dear comrade.
Ewa agoyin and soft bread
Repeat after me — soft bread with ewa agoyin every time. Life is not hard, enjoy it with some chilled goodness. If you buy bread that can pass as the stone used to kill goliath, you’re on your own.
The amala trinity (AKA amala, gbegiri, and ewedu) plus assorted meats
Wash it down with a cold bottle of your favourite Malt drink, and you might just wake up in heaven.
Anything with Malta Guinness, really
Sometimes, there’s no combo. Why? Because a sip of Malta Guinness does a world of good tbh, and who doesn’t like to feel good? Nobody!
Whether paired with tasty party jollof rice, or that shawarma you just bought with your last ₦3k, Malta Guinness is the perfect complement for your favourite meals. Malta Guinness has partnered with your fave restaurants to bring you exciting meal combos to elevate your meal experience.
Follow Malta Guinness on Instagram and Facebook to know more about these amazing meal combos.
On October 14, 2022, a German-based Welthungerhilfe and Dublin-based Concern Worldwide published the Global Hunger Index 2022 report which exposed an open secret about hunger levels in Nigeria.
The index has five levels of hunger — low, moderate, serious, alarming, and extremely alarming. Nigeria ranked 103 out of 121 countries with a score of 27.3 which signifies “serious” hunger levels. Last year, Nigeria held the same position and finished in the 98th position in 2020.
While “serious” may seem manageable because it’s an average score, we don’t need to get to an “extremely alarming” level before we realise there’s fire on the mountain and we should be running. Or doing something about it.
What’s responsible for Nigeria’s hunger crisis?
Why exactly is there a major hunger crisis in Nigeria? There’s a long list:
Floods
With the current flood situation happening in key food-producing states like Benue and Kogi, farmlands have been totally destroyed. A disruption in food production inevitably leads to scarcity and a severe hunger crisis. Experts have pegged the food inflation at 23.34% and they don’t see it slowing down anytime soon with the damage caused by the floods.
Image Source: AP
Insecurity
The activities of armed bandits, terrorists, and militants have affected food production and caused food inflation, and an increased reliance on imports. For safety reasons, many farmers have abandoned their farmlands, fled their communities, relocated to urban areas, or taken shelter in Internally Displaced Persons (IDP) camps. And when the farmers are not around to farm, how would there be food?
COVID-19
Even though the severity of the pandemic has reduced greatly, it’s needless to say that it caused way more damage than expected. Due to the lack of revenue coming into the country as a result of the lockdown, Nigeria had to borrow as usual.
The country also slipped into its second recession in four years and food security took a hit we haven’t recovered from.
The Russian-Ukraine War
Nigeria relies heavily on imports of major staple foods such as rice and wheat, but trade has been disrupted by the Russian-Ukraine war that started in February. With the two countries being major exporters of agricultural produce for Nigeria, food prices have increased to unimaginable highs. It also doesn’t help that enough local food isn’t produced.
How can we escape the crisis?
Now that you know the causes, what can be our solution to the hunger crisis? Ending terrorism, responding well to the flooding crisis, and praying for the end of the Russian-Ukraine war are obvious answers, but those won’t happen immediately. So instead, here are some solutions that seem much simpler:
Cultivate the habit of buying food materials in bulk
When you buy food items in bulk, you’re almost always saving money. Plus, the more food you have, the lesser the need to buy more. It’s that simple.
Please, let’s slow down on imported foods
Food grown in Nigeria will always be cheaper than food imported elsewhere. Let that Basmati rice rest for once.
Avoid food wastage
It only goes without saying that we should exercise discipline in eating the foods we consume. For instance, don’t finish one bag of rice in a day. You never know if it’s going to be the same price as when you bought it.
Most people (read as: me, myself and I) are quick to refer to themselves as “foodies” when it’s time to eat food. But you see having to actually make the food, that’s another kettle of fish.
Why are some of the foods we love so difficult to make? Tbh, it’s not like they’re that hard, they just require specific skills — skills which you don’t have. Here’s a list of some of them:
Pounded yam
See, the whole process of pounding yam is too stressful, and it’s too easy to get it wrong when it’s time to mash the boiled yams. It’s not easier with yam powder either because then you have to beg the heavens to escape without lumps.
Image credit: Canadian cooking adventures
Amala
There’s a very thin line between making eatable amala or ending up with a limp, dirty-brown mess, and it has to do with your ability to “draw the amala close” (AKA fa mọ ra) while preparing it. Ask your Yoruba neighbour for the meaning.
Jollof rice
At a point, you have to wonder if you’re making smoky jollof, or just outright burnt offering.
Image credit: Ev’s eats
Fried rice
Fried rice just likes shakara, because why should I spend 17 hours chopping carrots and veggies to prepare you, and you decide to get spoiled two hours later?
Image credit: Chef Lola’s kitchen
Pap
Pap is literally just hot water and paste. Why does it have a covenant with the gods of watery messes? Even if the universe smiles on you and it thickens, it’ll still manage to taste raw. SMH.
Image credit: Cookpad
Beans
At what point does it change from tooth-crushing stones to food? Do you just put it on the fire then go and sleep? Why spend hours making something you’ll finish eating in 10 minutes?
Yes, egusi may be one of the easiest Nigerian soups to make, but it’s still super stressful to make at home. Or have you forgotten that egusi can go bad literally three hours after you make it?
Image credit: Soup embassy
Pancakes
Hear me out. If you wait too long before flipping it over, it gets burnt. If you don’t wait long enough, you get what can only be described as amoeba pancakes.
Image credit: Catherine Matthews
Noodles
Before you insult us, just think about that time you mistakenly added too much water to your noodles. Now you have to risk draining out some of the sweetness, or enduring soggy noodle peppersoup.
Image credit: My German table
Ewedu
We love ewedu with amala, but how do you ensure it “draws”? What’s the use of ewedu that doesn’t trail a line down your elbows and clothes when you try to eat it? These are the questions.
People who have never had to cook with a boiling ring
If this is you, it means you went to a posh boarding school and you’re not like the rest of us in the trenches. You’re so rich, you probably use money to wipe your tears.
People who have touched the furniture in Dangote’s house
Imagine the people that have sat on the chairs in Dangote’s house or those that have wined and dined with him on his dining table. We’d love to meet them and ask them how they felt.
People who go on trips with their friends
You know you’ve made it when that trip makes it out of the group chat. When we say trips, we mean every kind of trips: Mexico o, Cabo o, Paris o, even trips to Yankari Game Reserve and Olumo Rock follow. Where are you people seeing money in this economy?
Lagos Big Boys
They drive Benz, buy Azul like they’re buying water, have Rolexes, go on trips, they’re Lagos Big Boys.
The queens of spending money. They travel to Dubai when they’re having a headache and Mauritius when they’re tired of how Lagos smells. If you’ve only been to Ijebu-Ode, respectfully, this isn’t you.
People who earn salary in dollars.
You’re in a country where the currency people spend is naira but you’re earning in dollars. You’re a baller and everyone around you is a mechanic.
If you think Lagos boys are big, wait till you see Abuja big boys. We don’t know if it’s their sports cars, jalabiya, Audemars Piguet watch and the Rolexes that have earned them the right to talk down on money.
Abuja big girls
Shoutout to Abuja big girls! They’re the real queens of enjoyment. We’re trying to be like them but funds no dey.
People who live on the Island
If this is you and you’re reading this, welcome! We’re honored to have you here. How does it feel to be able to talk down on money? It probably feels great.
People who have more than one ATM card
Owing an ATM card means you’re a respected person in society. But owning two and above? You’re an Igwe, a chief, an ambassador, a royal highness, a baller and a bad bitch.
People who don’t drink garri
If you don’t drink garri all the time like the rest of us, it’s probably because you’re busy eating sushi, pasta, seafood etc. How can you claim “trenches”?
People who can relate to what retail therapy is
If the first that comes to your mind when you’re sad is shopping, then yeah you’re an OBO and we want to be like you when we grow up.
People who can’t remember the last time they entered public transport
If you have a car or you’re always ordering Uber anytime you want to go out, you’re simply built different. We would love for you to tell us where you found your money. Are you a tech bro or a tech sis? What exactly did you do to get money?
Only a rich person can afford to buy and maintain a generator that uses diesel because have you seen the price of diesel these days?
People that don’t check their account balance
Some people just swipe and swipe their cards all day long, without even thinking about how much is in their account. These are the people we’re trying to be like when we grow up.
People who have bought Airpods more than once
If you’ve bought Airpods more than once, then you probably have a money tree in your backyard. Please, tell us what seed you planted to grow that tree.
To his support base, Nnamdi Kanu is the saviour of the Igbo people from the clutches of the Nigerian government. To the Nigerian Government, he’s a terrorist and a threat to democracy. But for the rest of Nigeria, Nnamdi Kanu is simply the leader of the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB), a sect prominent in championing the secession of the southeast region from Nigeria to create its own independent state called Biafra.
Image Source: Afolabi Sotunde/Reuters
Kanu’s first arrest
In October 2015, the Department of State Services (DSS) arrested Kanu in Lagos after arriving from the United Kingdom. The government later charged him to court on charges of terrorism and felony. In April 2017, the Federal High Court in Abuja granted him bail on “medical grounds”, but jumped bail months later after a Nigerian Army raid on his home, and he wasn’t seen in public for over a year.
In June 2021, the Nigerian government announced that Nnamdi Kanu was miraculously back in custody in Nigeria.
The government refused to disclose how Kanu was arrested and back in the detention of his buddies at the DSS. But he claimed he was illegally arrested in Kenya and extradited to Nigeria without due process.
From that point onwards, it’s been nothing but a seemingly unending court case, accusations of inhuman treatment and counter-accusations between Kanu and the Federal Government. Imagine being forced to wear the same outfit, without any washing, for five months.
Kanu’s imprisonment heightened unrest in the southeast, especially with a controversial sit-at-home order implemented on Mondays across the region. The curfew has been blamed for the increase in criminal activities and violence in the region.
Image Source: Daily Post Nigeria
A bittersweet release
On October 13, 2022, the Court of Appeal sitting in Abuja, the Federal Capital Territory (FCT), ruled Kanu’s arrest and extradition illegal and dropped all terrorism charges against him.
You can only imagine how Kanu must have felt as he heard the verdict.
Well, it’s due to the Federal Government, again. This time, the Attorney-General of the Federation, Abubakar Malami, declared that Kanu was only discharged but not acquitted. He added that there were other issues predating Kanu’s rendition “on the basis of which Kanu jumped bail” which remained “valid issues for judicial determination.”
In other words, the FG is pissed at Kanu’s jumping bail five years ago and wants to show him shege.
What are the people saying?
Well, we have seen a number of mixed reactions to Kanu’s release. His supporters in the southeast region are happy, as this means no more sit-at-home orders from IPOB and getting back to their normal lives.
But there are still fears of IPOB lashing out if the Federal Government detains him further. After all, the current Buhari-led government is known for disobeying court orders.
There are also fears about Kanu’s potential influence on the 2023 elections and the fate of Peter Obi, the most prominent 2023 presidential candidate from the southeast region. Nigerians are curious to see whether he’ll be Obi’s ally or foe.
According to the Federal Government, the disaster has directly affected more than 2.5 million Nigerians with over 600 dead. The floods have caused untold hardship in 31 states, damaged more than 80,000 houses, and destroyed farmlands.
Zikoko Citizen interviewed three people affected by the floods in Rivers, Kogi, and Delta.
Gloria, 28 (Rivers State)
For Gloria, living with floods isn’t a strange thing. Nigeria hosts seasonal floods annually and she’s witnessed enough of those in her hometown of Omoku, Rivers State, for as long as she can remember. But, she’s never seen floods like the one that has now left her homeless.
She told Citizen, “I’ve moved from my house to three different locations just this month alone because of the floods. My business has been completely submerged by the floods and I’m living on the little money I managed to save before all of this.”
Gloria was very passionate about helping her fellow Omoku residents who have been left in worse conditions. And the situation makes her furious.
She said, “Do you know people are stuck in remote villages, and can’t come out to Omoku because of this flood? Some schools, despite the floods, are still on. Children go to school with the water at waist level in their uniforms and come back the same way. What if they lose their lives? Many people, responsible people, used to have homes but now they’re sleeping on the streets. We’re suffering bitterly!”
Gloria also has mixed feelings about the government’s response to the crisis. She told Citizen, “Well, I know that our governor (Nyesom Wike) has released ₦1 billion to help certain local government areas (including mine) with the crisis. But I can’t say for certain that the help is useful. At the Internally Displaced Persons (IDP) camp, there’s no light and no mosquito net. I’ve seen the state of those camps and people are falling sick every day. They claimed to have given each camp 30 mattresses but in reality, it’s only three pieces they delivered. Many people at the camp sleep on the bare floors.”
Image Source: Madu Dab Madueke
Theophilus, 32 (Kogi State)
If anyone had told Theophilus that he would lose his family house to floods four years after it was built, he wouldn’t believe it. But that’s exactly what happened.
Theophilus received the shock of his life on September 21, when he arrived home from work to find his house completely submerged.
“I have tried so hard to comprehend with God what I’ve done wrong. I had been saving money for several years, with loans, to build this house. I completed it in 2018, and now all that is gone. My wife and kids have gone from living in a beautiful bungalow in Lokoja to being refugees in an IDP camp. The relief materials can hardly go round . My youngest child has even started developing skin rashes in reaction to the flood water. I can only say that God knows best.”
Image Source: Ibrahim Obansa/Guardian
Demola, 23 (Delta State)
Choosing to serve in Delta State for his National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) program was the worst mistake in young Demola’s life. Since September, the floods have messed up his commute to and from his primary place of assignment (PPA) in Ughelli South.
“I thought coming all the way from Lagos to Delta was going to give me the freedom I wanted from my parents but, omo, I was so wrong. Wearing semi-wet clothes is now the default. I have to trek parts of the journey in water and use a public canoe to reach the school where I serve. I can’t even complain because all the other corpers, teachers, and students are coming in and out in that fashion, so who am I?”
When asked if NYSC would allow him to go back home for safety reasons, he was unsure. “Knowing our government, they hardly ever do anything, but I’m hoping they tell corpers to go home. We don’t deserve to be put under this inhuman treatment in the name of serving this country.”
Exactly eight months after going on strike, the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) called it off on October 14th, 2022. As usual, the strike revolved around age-old issues of salary structure and payment, earned academic allowances, university funding, autonomy and academic freedom.
Now that the strike is over, what did it cost everyone involved?
Winners
Federal Government
On previous occasions, ASUU usually holds all the cards until it beats the government into an agreement. And this time, the government’s questionable handling of the strike in the initial days contributed to escalating for eight months. But the government managed to come out on top by dragging the union to court to force the suspension of the strike.
CONUA and NAMDA
CONUA and the government made an “enemy of my enemy is my friend” agreement
Before ASUU started strike action in February 2022, it was the only recognised university union in Nigeria. But as the strike dragged on, the government certified two new bodies, the Congress of Nigerian University Academics (CONUA) and the National Association of Medical and Dental Academics (NAMDA) as additional university unions. Critics believe that the certification of these unions is an attempt by the government to weaken the influence of ASUU in Nigerian universities — CONUA, especially, as it’s led by former ASUU members who broke away from the union in 2018 and had been battling for legal status since then. The 2022 strike provided the perfect opportunity for the union to finally get its day in the sun.
Landlords
The ASUU strike disrupted the economic activities of universities and put businesses around them in a financial bind. But landlords don’t have such a headache and can lick their lips in anticipation of students returning to pay more rent despite not being around for the past eight months.
Losers
ASUU
ASUU went on strike to force the government to fulfil promises that have been hanging since 2009. But the union failed to get its way eight months later. Suspending the strike wasn’t exactly ASUU’s decision. Rather, it’s in unavoidable obedience to a court judgement. They can’t be considered winners when the key issues they’ve been fighting for remain unresolved.
Even worse, it’s still unclear if the government will pay their salaries for the eight-month period of the strike.
Dr Taiwo Ojapinwa, a lecturer in the Department of Economics of the University of Lagos (UNILAG), told Zikoko, “On resumption, lecturers will have to go the extra mile to cover a lot of lost ground. Some lecturers that are supposed to have been promoted will be delayed by almost a year and some retired in the course of the strike.”
University students
By default, students are always the biggest casualties every time ASUU strikes. They lose time in the classrooms, lose academic momentum, stay home and worry about how long the strike will last, lose the money paid on rent and ultimately have their future stalled. These are the kinds of issues impacting the quality of education in Nigeria.
Prospective students also can’t get into universities because admission processes are stalled and academic calendars turn into a mess.
Is this the end of ASUU strikes?
The only meaningful victory of an ASUU strike is if the result is that another one will never happen. But there are so many unresolved issues from the 2022 strike that the next one is an issue of when not if.
Both ASUU and the Federal Government need to get their acts together and stop sacrificing the future of young Nigerians.
We’re in the days of 5G and cardless ATM withdrawals, yet somehow banks will still ask you to take out a newspaper ad just to correct the arrangement of your name on your own bank account.
We listed some of the requirements we consider quite unnecessary, and got a bank official to explain why banks need them.
Why do prospective current account holders need references who already have current accounts?
To start, we’ll need to clarify what a savings and current account is meant to achieve. The savings account was designed initially to deposit funds, with limited withdrawals. This is very obviously not the case on our side of the continent. LOL.
A current account accommodates more transactions, which is essential for the business person. The bank doesn’t accept references from a savings account holder because it’s believed that, unlike a current account, the savings account holder doesn’t make use of their account regularly, may not be easily reachable, and can’t be a reliable guarantor if yawa gas.
Why do banks require proof of address? Can’t a homeless person have a functioning bank account?
They can have a tier 1 account. In this case, the bank marketers may just write down the address of the place they met the customer since it isn’t really necessary.
The challenge with this is, such type of account will have restrictions on the amount of money they can receive, and if an amount above the limit is received, the account is immediately restricted. Think of it as a fraud measure — the bank should be able to account for the legality of its customers.
The proof of address is required when the customer wants to upgrade their account to higher tiers and fewer restrictions. So why not just fulfil the requirements from the beginning?
Utility bills too. What if I owe NEPA; does this affect my ability to open an account?
The accounts that require a utility bill are the tier 3 accounts — the highest level of savings account in Nigeria. In simple terms, you can have as much money there as you like.
And honestly, the bank doesn’t care if you owe NEPA or not; that’s your wahala. They just want to make sure the address you gave them exists, and you actually live there.
Why’s it necessary to take out a newspaper ad just to make a small name adjustment? Isn’t the affidavit enough?
You know how the country only recognises your marriage under the law when you have a court wedding? The newspaper ad shows you’ve officially changed your name under law, and the country now has your new name on record. The affidavit is legal too, but the newspaper ad is an additional public notification.
Is my mother’s maiden name really necessary to make changes to my account?
It’s not entirely necessary. It’s just more of a security question to prevent unauthorised persons from accessing your account. It’s not foolproof, which is why other documents and your signature are also required.
I am truly heartbroken to see our school like this today. Our kids lost so much time with covid, we were just starting to catch them up, now this. Good give our community the strength to rebuild. pic.twitter.com/8M0DG13ajn
Heavy rainfalls and the release of excess water from Cameroon’s Lagdo Dam and other dams in Nigeria are largely responsible for the floods. The Nigerian government’s failure to build infrastructure to control floods allowed them to easily submerge hundreds of communities.
What’s the damage of the floods?
According to the Federal Government, the floods have affected 31 states and resulted in:
500 people dead
790,254 people displaced
1.4 million people directly affected
1,546 people injured
44,099 houses partially damaged
45,249 houses totally damaged
76,168 hectares of farmland partially damaged
70,566 hectares of farmland are completely destroyed
How’s the government responding?
Following the devastating impacts of flood on many communities, #DGNEMA Mustapha Habib Ahmed has approved deployment of NEMA’s mobile water treatment plants to provide emergency clean water for families at some of the worst affected communities. #Jigawa#Benue#Kogi States. pic.twitter.com/o5Xd5wzprb
Even though many Nigerians are calling the flooding disaster a national crisis, the government doesn’t have a centrally-coordinated response. The structure of disaster response currently starts at the local government and state government levels.
As first responders, these levels of government are responsible for providing relief for victims of floods. This means responding to floods can be different from state to state.
Many state governments have provided temporary shelters for flood victims displaced from their homes. But the Kogi State governor, Yahaya Bello, has complained about inadequate palliatives for the victims and called on the Federal Government to step in.
My Twitter family, this is my community Biseni kingdom in Bayelsa state.we are suffering, Biseni is the worst affected, pls we need help, palliative support from the govt. My family is displaced.😭🙏 In Akenfa, The east west road will soon be blocked as well. Please help🙏 pic.twitter.com/1aAzoDfACk
Since the flooding crisis worsened over the past two months, the National Emergency Management Agency (NEMA) and Ministry of Humanitarian Affairs, Disaster Management and Social Development have coordinated the Federal Government’s response.
The ministry announced the approval of the National Emergency Flood Preparedness and Response Plan on October 11th, 2022. The plan contains immediate, short term and long-term measures to control the impact of flooding in Nigeria. However, the details of this plan are currently unknown.
NEMA claims to have distributed relief materials to over 315,000 displaced people nationwide. The agency has also collaborated with the Disaster Response Unit (DRU) of the Nigerian military to conduct search and rescue operations for trapped victims.
#flood In continuation of rescue at flooded communities and provision of support to affected persons, @nemanigeria today distributed relief items to the displaced persons in Kogi State. The distribution at St Luke Primary School Adankolo, Lokoja was with officials of Kogi SEMA pic.twitter.com/LpNq6WV5Bf
Despite this, the government needs to be doing better as NEMA expects more heavy rainfalls in the coming weeks.
What are citizens doing?
Non-profit organisations and individuals are raising funds to support victims. Nigerians who want to help can reach out to them to donate money and materials for the victims.
The government’s disorganised response to the ongoing flooding crisis makes it difficult for victims to get all the help they need at such a delicate time.
Flooding is one of the most frequent natural disasters in Nigeria and we’ve had enough years to learn valuable lessons to coordinate a better response.
If you haven’t heard of Zikoko Daily — our daily newsletter that rounds up your favourite Zikoko stories with a lirru touch of in-house madness from our writers — then you’re either using Glo or living under a rock.
Now that you’re here, let’s fill you in on the eight types of Zikoko Daily Newsletter readers that exist.
The ones who just love swearing for us
We know we’re funny, but which one is replying us with, “You guys are just mad”? Why this?
The early reader
They’re the first to open our emails as soon as they get them at 4 p.m every day. They deserve a special place in Tems’ heaven.
The motivators
They love sharing feedback and sweet words of encouragement. Plus, they’re never shy to tell us how much they love reading from us. Don’t tell anyone, but these ones are easily becoming our favourites.
The ones who forward every issue
They love their friends and enemies so much that they never miss sending them our newsletters. But honestly, don’t your enemies deserve to laugh too?
The ones who just read without subscribing
Their friend already did the Lord’s work by forwarding every issue of Z! Daily to them — which they love and never miss reading — but do they subscribe? No, they just jump and pass. Remember, the Lord is watching you.
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On January 15th, 2022, a former governor of Anambra State, Peter Obi, praised the Super Eagles of Nigeria on his Twitter account. He got hundreds of responses but most of them weren’t talking about his original message about the national football team.
Many of the Nigerians in his comment section were begging him to run for president. One of the replies under that tweet was so threatening that Obi had to respond directly. The Twitter user threatened legal action against the former Anambra State governor if he failed to throw his hat into the ring for the 2023 presidential election. In response, Obi said, “Give me some time.”
In 2003, four years after Nigeria returned to the loving arms of democracy, billionaire businessman, Peter Obi, contested for the seat of Anambra State governor. The Independent Electoral National Commission (INEC) declared Chris Ngige the winner of that election but Obi disagreed with the result and started a legal battle that lasted three years.
In 2006, the court ruled that Obi was the winner of the election. It was the first time a court decided the winner of a governorship election in Nigeria. Obi assumed office in March 2006 but in less than a year, Anambra State lawmakers impeached him (in November 2006) over alleged corruption. Obi claimed it was a witch-hunt because he refused to inflate the state’s annual budget. He went back to court again and won; the impeachment was overturned and he made a triumphant return in February 2007.
When it was time for another governorship election in 2007, Obi wasn’t on the ballot because he believed he was entitled to four full years in office as governor. Andy Uba won the 2007 election, and Obi had to vacate the Government House in May 2007. But he ran straight to his babalawo, the Supreme Court.
The court agreed that Obi deserved his four-year term and nullified Anambra’s 2007 governorship election to return him to office to complete his first term. This victory became the precedent for other governors who would go on to win their mandates in court and is the reason why a total of eight states now have off-cycle elections. Obi won a second term in office in 2010 and remained the governor of Anambra State till 2014.
Transmission
In 2014, Obi did what all Nigerian politicians do in their lifetime: he switched parties. He had spent his eight years as Anambra State governor as a member of the All Progressives Grand Alliance (APGA). But just months after he left the Government House, he dumped the party for the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) which was in control of the Federal Government at the time.
Five years later, Obi found himself on the PDP’s presidential ticket as the running mate to former vice president, Atiku Abubakar, for the 2019 general elections.
Even though they lost the election, Obi was one of the stand-out characters from the campaign trail. His vibrant spirit, track record as governor and obsession with statistics imported from China were some of the 2019 election campaign highlights. It was his first true introduction to the national spotlight — the moment he unwittingly sowed the seeds of the Obidient movement.
The rise of Obidience
By the beginning of 2022, the 2023 presidential election was already shaping up as the usual two-horse race between the PDP and the All Progressives Congress (APC). And in those two parties, Bola Tinubu and Atiku Abubakar were already being primed to lead their tickets. But both men, veteran politicians from all the way back in the 90s, had an image problem that made them hard to swallow, especially for young voters.
As an alternative, the Nigerian youth looked across the landscape for who had more palatable appeal. Their eyes fell on Obi. That’s why hundreds of young Nigerians hounded him to run for president in response to that January tweet where he was talking about football.
Two weeks later, Obi tweeted that he would “step into the field” if the PDP zoned the presidential ticket to the south. But when it was clear the party would renege on the gentleman zoning agreement, and Atiku remained the favourite to win the party’s ticket, Obi’s growing supporter base started prompting him to leave the party and join another one that would put him on the ballot.
This move would be tricky because only the APC and the PDP command political “structures” strong enough to win national elections. But as his chances of clinching the PDP ticket dwindled, Obi took the plunge and joined the Labour Party (LP).
Obi’s move enjoyed widespread support among the demographic of young Nigerians disillusioned with the establishment, and they vowed to carry his campaign on their heads. And as the support base swelled, they needed a name. They became Obidients.
What’s the appeal of Peter Obi?
Every Nigerian election has a candidate billed as the “messiah” to lead Nigerians out of the wilderness to the Promised Land. Even though Obidients have stopped short of using that tag, Peter Obi represents the wealth of option Nigerians don’t usually get in presidential elections. He’s distinguished himself, with his much-talked-about humility, financial prudence, and a certain kind of sophistication that’s become a rarity in Nigerian elections.
Since winning LP’s presidential ticket, Obi’s campaign has been fueled chiefly by supporters with a deep sense of commitment to his ministry and the hope that he represents. In response to criticism that he has no political structure to win a national election, Obidients have rolled up their sleeves and got down to work. They’ve moved what was once derided as a social media campaign to the grassroots to win more voters to the Obidient movement.
The result of the work is starting to show in opinion polls that have boosted confidence about Peter Obi’s chances. According to three prominent polls, including one by Bloomberg, Obi is ahead of his two main rivals and is primed to win the election next year.
One of Peter Obi’s most prominent narratives is that he’s a political “outsider” even though he’s an establishment politician who’s broken bread with the same political class Nigerian youths are desperate to retire. But the candidate has had to fight for a political career that his supporters feel makes him different.
To end up inside Aso Rock Villa, he’ll need his Obidient force to pull off the impossible and spit in the face of an unyielding status quo.
