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Jessica* (24) started her relationship with her fiancé as his side chick. She talks about falling for him before finding out he had a girlfriend, becoming close when the main chick relocated and deciding to choose her own happiness.
This is Jessica’s story, as told to Boluwatife
Image source: Pexels
Before you judge me, I didn’t set out to be anyone’s side chick, but as they say, life comes at you fast.
I met Jacob* in November 2019 at the NYSC Orientation Camp in Iyana Ipaja, Lagos. We were both part of the Batch “C” stream, and I noticed him at the Cultural Day Carnival. I can’t remember how we started talking, but I remember thinking, “I really like this guy”. He schooled in the East, and it was his first time in Lagos. Because I was born and bred here, he was fascinated by my stories.
We exchanged phone numbers and kept in touch even after the orientation ended. The initial Place of Primary Assignment (PPA) placement struggle meant we were too busy to talk for the first few weeks after camp. The day we finally met up was the day I realised I’d already fallen for him. It was also the day I discovered he had a girlfriend.
He’d mentioned Michelle* (his girlfriend) a few times in our messages, but I just assumed it was the sister he told me he was staying with in Lagos. Anytime he mentioned her name while we were chatting, it was usually along the lines of, “Michelle just got back from work” or “Michelle is disturbing me about doing chores in the house”. Maybe I just didn’t want to see what he wasn’t expressly saying.
I had invited Jacob to a beach hangout my friends were having, and he came with Michelle. It was there he introduced her to me as his girlfriend. When I was already in a “casual relationship” with this guy in my head! Apparently, he’d told Michelle about me too — the friend he met at NYSC camp — and honestly, she was very friendly. I felt guilty about allowing myself to develop feelings for someone who hadn’t outrightly said anything. So, even though I believe everyone is single and fair game till they get legally hitched, I decided to give Jacob some distance. Besides, he hadn’t shown any serious interest in me.
Spoiler alert, the distance didn’t work. Jacob noticed it and pestered me for a reason. How blind can men be? I finally gave in and told him I had feelings for him on New Year’s Day 2020. He was speechless, so I told him I knew he had a girlfriend and was already putting the feelings behind me.
Michelle relocated to be with family in the US that same January, and the distance started to take a toll on their relationship. Jacob would rant to me about their increasing fights and the different time zones weren’t helping matters. One of their more serious fights was about their future and the possibility of Jacob relocating. But he is pro-Nigeria. He could visit other countries but didn’t see himself living elsewhere permanently. Michelle thought otherwise, and sometimes, I’d come in to advise them to be patient with each other.
At the same time, Jacob and I got closer. Since he was always telling me about his Michelle issues, he spent more time at my place. I lived alone, and my flat was closer to where he worked in Ikeja, so it made sense. Then on my birthday in March, he kissed me. I was elated, of course, but I wanted to make sure he did it because he wanted to and not because Michelle wasn’t around. He told me he was developing feelings for me but needed to figure out what he wanted.
Then lockdown happened, and somehow, we spent the entire time together in my place. We got even more intimate and basically became an item. He was still with Michelle, but only because he wanted to break up with her in person and not over the phone. It was well and truly a side chick situation, but I refuse to be ashamed. I’d suppressed my feelings when I learnt he was with her, and even played the good friend. He came to me on his own when he realised they weren’t compatible.
I reduced my communication with Michelle to avoid getting involved in giving relationship advice or answering questions about Jacob’s changed attitude. She must’ve noticed my coldness but I tried my best not to give it much thought and just focus on being happy with Jacob. I knew he spoke with her and had to be as loving as possible — when they weren’t fighting — so she wouldn’t know he’d mentally checked out, but it was me he was with, so it didn’t matter.
The situation continued for about a year until she visited home in April 2021, and Jacob finally ended the relationship. In the end, it was a mutual break-up. She didn’t see herself returning to Nigeria permanently, so she didn’t think they had a future together anymore. I’m not sure if she knows I’m with Jacob now — I tend to avoid bringing her up with him — but she’ll definitely know soon because we’re now engaged.
Jacob popped the question on Christmas Day 2022, and I said yes. We’re very much in love, and I look forward to spending forever with him. In life, shit happens. You never know when shit will get thrown at you. People say, “Don’t let your partner keep you from finding the love of your life”. What about not letting your happiness slip away just because someone got there first?
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Welcome to my YouTube channel, where I tell people what to do and not do with food and drinks. Today, we shall be talking about our food resolutions for the year. If you don’t want us to fight, do all the things I‘ve listed below.
Kill chicken
At your big age, you don’t know how to hold a chicken to the ground and kill it? Come on now. You’re too big for this. This is a skill people add to their CVs, and you don’t have it? Do better this year.
Eat semo
Growing up means realising semo isn’t that bad, and people are just overdoing it with the slander. Give semo a try. I promise, you’ll see the light.
(This isn’t Dammy o. My account was hacked by Memi. Semo is trash.)
Attend more food events
Stop waiting for the end of the year to attend overcrowded food festivals. Many events happen throughout the year — BBQs, potlucks, yam and plantain festival, cocktails, etc. You just have to shine your eye and ears.
Eat Korean food
Are you not tired of going to that Chinese restaurant every single time you’re looking for where to eat? You want to say you’ve also been to Japanese restaurants. Good for you (even though all you ate was sushi and rice).
Make homemade pasta
Just realised this isn’t as hard as all those fancy chefs make it seem online. Apparently, you can even do this without some big-ass machine. I think everyone shoud make their own pasta at least once, just for the fun of it.
This agenda must agend because okra ice cream slaps. Remember the famous saying, “Don’t judge an ice cream by it’s name and ingredients.”
Have a cocktail competition
Gather your friends together and see who can make the best cocktail from basic ingredients. This is actually so much fun, and the fact that everyone will end up drunk is a bonus.
Go outside your comfort zone
This year, just be adventurous with food. Try meals from other tribes you’ve only ever heard about online, try a difficult recipe, eat that food you stopped liking many years ago, eat at a beer parlour, put pineapples in your burger and cheese in pancakes. Just don’t be basic.
Drink water
Because you people always forget to drink at least two litres a day and that’s not healthy. I need y’all alive and well to read Zikoko articles.
Ban fufu
Yes, semo is trash, but fufu is its oga. If you’re out here eating fufu, it means you can comfortably pick something from a toilet dustbin to eat.
Stop eating rice and tomato stew
We’re no longer in the days of our parents when the only thing they ate with white rice was either standard tomato stew or soup that was meant for swallow. There are way too many sauces out there for you to try with your rice. Don’t limit yourself.
Order something new at a restaurant
You order things like rice, burger, pasta, chicken and chips, and in your mind, you’ve gone to a restaurant to eat. Stop deceiving yourself. Open that menu, and order a meal with a name that’s hard to pronounce. Let’s start from there.
If you happened to stroll into football Twitter this past weekend, you’d know Mykhailo Mudryk went viral for his impressive €100 million (£88 million) Chelsea signing from Shakhtar Donetsk.
Another reason behind the plenty talk is Arsenal initially approached Mudryk’s club, Shakhtar, with £55 million, and then £62 million— the footballer had even accepted salary terms with the Gunners. But Chelsea swept in like a rich Nollywood sugar daddy, his club agreed, and the rest was history.
Sure, all the money isn’t going to him, but Mudryk accepted his club’s decision and chose money. I may not know much about football, but I’m proud that he did. To my fellow 9-5ers, here’s why you should do as Mudryk did and always choose money.
Account balances don’t recognise passion
If it’s not the work of your village people, why would you have passion for a job that pays you ₦30k?
It’s better to cry inside AC
Every job will stress you. It’s better to cry inside an air-conditioned office and clean your tears with dollar bills than to motivate yourself with, “I love my job”.
You think your team is your “family”, but even your work spouse would leave you in an instant if another job promises to 2x their salary. Don’t play yourself.
Neither does your boss
Especially if they always motivate the team to “believe in the collective dream”. Let someone else shove money in their face first.
The economy is economying
Everything is expensive. The noodles you bought for ₦100 yesterday can be ₦500 tomorrow. Do you get where I’m going with this?
Bad bitches are rich bitches
How do you want to reach the full extent of your bad bitchery with only ₦5k in your account two days after payday?
Don’t you want to be a baller?
Because why are you even choosing anything over money?
Men can never catch a break with women. It’s always one thing or the other with them.
“Don’t approach women at the gym.”
“Leave women alone once they say no.”
“Don’t comment on women’s bodies.”
And now, it’s “Men should stop trying to sleep with their female friends.”
Ugh. Should we just stop existing?
I don’t understand why women complain about finding male friends who don’t want to sleep with them. I don’t see the problem here. Because I’m your friend doesn’t mean I can’t find you attractive. Is it my fault you’re gorgeous?
Honestly, what do women want? You have men fawning over you and it’s a problem because they’re your friend? Isn’t this a way to eat your cake and have it? You have friends willing to sleep with you with no strings attached, and you’re complaining? And I know for sure that these women also want to sleep with said male friends but they’re doing shakara.
We guys think about having sex with a lot of women, so the fact that your friend is interested in you sexually, shouldn’t come as a surprise. We are men, and our higher testosterone levels make us think about and crave sex more than women. Sleeping with our female friends is a way for us to have sex with people we know, without any form of attachment.
Also, do you know how hard it is to not try to have sex with a woman we’re attracted to all in the name of “She’s my friend”? So I find you attractive, but because I don’t want to ruin our friendship, I shouldn’t make a move to sleep with you? Fuck that. At least let me attempt, and if you’re not interested, I’ll back off.
Women make sex a bigger deal than it is. If given the chance, I’d sleep with almost all my female friends (except the ones in relationships) because it’s just sex. It’s hard for men to have female friends and not want to sleep with them. We just try our best not to so you won’t get annoyed and end the friendship.
I need women to know it’s not that serious. Having sex with your male friends won’t ruin the relationship as long as you have rules and boundaries. It’s better than having sex with strangers.
Yours Truly,
A Nigerian man
16/1/2023
By the way, in case you didn’t notice and you want to fight me, this is a satirical article. I’m not a Nigerian man, abeg.
I love Nigerian women and I want the best for them. That’s why I’ve come to beg them to not carry some of these behaviours into 2023. It’s a new year; it’s time to do better. Please, don’t do any of these things from today henceforth.
Not knowing what to eat
This year, I need you people to please make life easier for people who care about you. How? By knowing what the hell you want to eat when you’re asked. No more “I don’t know”. Mention a meal, snack, fruit, human being, anything apart from “I don’t know”.
Terrible flirting skills
Staring at someone for five minutes, or liking two of their pictures on social media, won’t be accepted as flirting in 2023. Put. In. The. Work.
Eating pasta
I spent New Year’s Eve in church specifically praying that pasta releases the chokehold it has on Nigerian women. I want more for you and your palate. It’s enough. Time to move forward in life.
Being shy to say you have money
Nigerian women are rich. They’re the real ballers in this life, but they always like to deny it. My good sis, we know the weave you have on your head can pay somebody’s house rent. You can’t hide your wealth, so just own it with your full chest.
Being the planners and organisers
When women were created, they weren’t given the job description of “planner/organiser”. Let other people also plan and organise dates, weddings, parties, vacations, things needed in the house etc., while you relax and drink wine for a change.
Saying you don’t want food
…then eating the offerer’s own. You don’t always know you want what you’re being offered when they offer it, and that’s why you say no. But you should know by now that you’ll always end up wanting it, so just say yes instead of pinching from their food, FGS.
My queens, I beg you to choose comfort this 2023. Instead of carrying slippers up and down while staggering in uncomfortable heels, just wear the slippers from home. Your feet are crying, please.
Frontals with the lace showing
“What lace?” The one that’s showing right there, sis. I can see it all the way from here, and it’s not blending with your skin. Please, don’t bring it into 2023. It’s not by force to do frontal. Closure wigs and braids are also there.
Saying you’re emotionally fine when you’re not
If you’re angry, say you’re angry and stop cooking your anger in your chest. You’re only giving yourself a headache.
Nigeria sometimes is like the Hunger Games, especially if you’re not part of the upper-class, with everything trying very hard to kill you. If you manage to survive the roads crawling with kidnappers, you’ll probably fall victim to police brutality. And now, due to the economy, almost everyone is one medical emergency away from poverty.
We’re two weeks into 2023, and unfortunately, we may need to add electric distribution companies to the list of things trying to kill us.
On January 11, 2023, a lady on Twitter, Yetunde (@Divayetty1), called out the Electricity Distribution Companies (DisCos) in Lagos: Ikeja Electric (IKEDC) and Eko Electricity Distribution Company (EKEDC) for negligence that could have cost her life. A live wire from an electric pole knocked her unconscious, severely burning her in the process.
This isn’t the first time an accident of this nature has occurred; the only difference is that the other victim didn’t live to tell the tale. In September 2015, a 300-level student of the University of Lagos (UNILAG) was electrocuted to death by a live wire which also fell from an electric pole. It’s revolting that it’s eight years after this terrible incident, and DisCos still haven’t found a way to prevent these things from happening.
There are many options available to victims in cases like this, one of them is suing the companies for negligence, so they know to take extra precautions to keep people from avoidable danger.
How to sue for negligence?
This isn’t as complex as it seems. You’ll need to employ the services of a lawyer and filean action in court. You would have to pay some filing fees, and the case will be filed at the court’s registry. After this, a copy of the court documents and processes will be served to the offending party.
Now it is important to remember that you’ll need to prove that negligence occurred, and this is done in three simple steps:
You must prove the existence of duty of care: in simple terms, like in the case of the live wires, you should show beyond a doubt that the electric poles were under the supervision of the DisCos.
You must show a breach of that duty of care: proof that the DisCos failed in their responsibilities regarding the maintenance of the electric poles.
You must prove damage resulting from that breach: lastly, you must show that you were hurt due to the negligence.
However, if you’re sceptical, people have filed negligence suits against companies in Nigeria and come out smiling to their banks.
As the company’s accountant, in 2015, he was given the sum of ₦5 million to pay workers in two work sites. While he was at the site in Otuasege, Bayelsa State, armed robbers attacked, killed the only police escort attached to him, and shot him in the lungs. This incident left him in excruciating pain and a life-threatening condition. However, the company terminated his contract and left him to foot his medical bills in the middle of all that.
What was the judgement?
Although the company claimed to have taken necessary precautions to ensure his safety, the court found them guilty of negligence. They were asked to pay about ₦19 million to cover his medical bills and damages.
So really, maybe it’s time for more Nigerians to take a leap of faith when addressing these kinds of issues. Perhaps companies will begin to take special care when ensuring their products and services are safe.
You’ve decided you want to go out to turn up. Good for you. But if you truly want to have a good time at whatever event you attend, don’t go out with any of these people because they’ll frustrate you one way or another.
Couples
Go out with a couple, and you’ll regret it. All they know how to do is annoying PDAs and to exchange saliva any chance they get. I invited you out for drinks not a dry hump.
Ambiverts
At least with introverts, you know they prefer to stay home. Ambiverts have on and off days, and sometimes, they don’t even know they don’t want to be out until they’re actually out. God help you if you’re out with an ambivert on a day they want to stay in. They’ll annoy you by constantly acting like they’re being punished. They won’t even try to have fun;, they’ll sit in a corner and press their phones. Meanwhile, they’re the ones who asked to go with you. Chisom, we just got here; stop asking if we can leave.
9-5ers
9-5ers are full-blown party animals. It’s like they channel all the stress from their work into energy for turn up. When you go out with them, you’ll be exhausted within one hour. If you’re out with bankers, architects or lawyers to be precise, just be ready to stay out till 5 a.m. They don’t know when to call it a night, even when they have work the following day.
Lightweights
They never know their alcohol limits, so they end up drinking to stupor and misbehaving. Instead of shaking your ass on the dance floor, you’ll be taking care of somebody else’s child in the toilet.
They’ll try to include you in one stressful lie or scheme so that they can be out. When they’re finally out, they’re paranoid about getting caught. Can’t even post them on your insta story in case one grand cousin’s sister’s daughter accidentally finds your page. Omo, Tunde, this isn’t what I signed up for. Then there are the ones with 9 p.m. curfews, who try to make you leave early too. You and who? Do I leave with your parents?
People who live far away
They always have to leave early because their house is far from civilisation. You sef should know better than to invite somebody from FESTAC out at night. If you want them to stay longer, you have to give them a place to sleep.
Gym buffs
Latest 7 p.m., they’re heading back home because they have to go to the gym the next morning. And while they’re out, they won’t eat or drink certain things because it’s not part of their diet. And they’ll judge you while you’re eating your shawarma and fries at 11 p.m. As if you’re on the diet with them.
Influencers
All they want to do is record videos of every single thing that’s happening, all in the name of content. Instead of properly partying, they’re shooting “Come turn up with me on a Friday night” vlogs. If you give them the chance, they’ll carry tripod to the club.
Zikoko staff
We’re not normal people. We’ll ask you to do weird things like mix vodka with jollof rice, then you’ll end up with diarrhoea at the club.
Rolling Stone expanded the 2023 version of the Greatest Singers of All Time to 200 from the original 100 count, and for the first time, eight Africans, including Miriam Makeba, Fela Kuti, Tabu Ley and Burna Boy, have made the list.
by Bird Story Agency
Rolling Stone, one of the world’s leading music publications, kicked off the new year with an update to its “200 Greatest Singers of All Time” list, which they first released in 2008, honouring the best vocalists in pop music.
“These are the vocalists that have shaped history and defined our lives – from smooth operators to raw shouters, from gospel to punk, from Sinatra to Selena to SZA,” Rolling Stone editors wrote. The publication released the list on January 1st, 2023, featuring eight African singers in the compilation.
They looked for “originality, influence, depth of an artist’s catalog and breadth of their musical legacy” when compiling the list.
Sade Adu is the highest-ranked African singer at position 51. Rolling Stone said the Nigerian-British singer has “proved herself the ultimate smooth operator,” adding that “her languid cool has a way of making everyone else sound histrionic.”
Following closely was South African vocal powerhouse, Miriam Makeba, ranked 53rd and described as “a fountain of vocal personality.”
“Indeed, to listen to her now, years after her death is to experience an artist who brilliantly communicates the joy of being alive,” the publication wrote about Makeba.
Egyptian Umm Kulthum was the third highest African on the list at position 61, with Rolling Stone saying she “has no real equivalent among singers in the West.”
“Her potent contralto, which could blur gender in its lower register, conveyed breathtaking emotional range in complex songs that, across theme and wildly-ornamented variations, could easily last an hour, as she worked crowds like a fiery preacher,” they added.
Other African singers who made the list include Senegalese tenor, Youssou N’Dour (69), South Africa’s Simon “Mahlathini” Nkabinde (153), who the publication described as “a peerless figure in the history of South African music, gifted with a cloud-rattling basso profundo groan, and a knowing, playful, at times diabolically incisive sense of what to do with it.”
Africa’s leading rumba singer-songwriter, Tabu Ley Rochereau of the Democratic Republic of the Congo, came in at 178th. “His voice was almost startlingly sweet, but he sang with so much pure transport, he never cloyed,” Rolling Stone wrote.
Nigerian superstars, Fela Kuti and Burna Boy, rounded up the African featured artists at positions 188 and 197, respectively. The publication said Burna’s voice is “sweet like caramel, but it can also soar on slickly produced tracks like his recent megahit, Last Last,or the 2019 gem, Anybody, excited by deep bass accents and insanely sophisticated polyrhythms.”
According to Rolling Stone, the top five greatest singers of all time are Mariah Carey, Billie Holiday, Sam Cooke, Whitney Houston and, at No. 1, African-American soul and Motown superstar, Aretha Franklin.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 31-year-old Nigerian woman who’s had almost a decade of therapy to heal from food and weight anxiety. She talks about being fat-shamed in boarding school, still feeling fat at 61kg and why eating makes her cry.
What’s your earliest memory of food?
I have two conflicting early memories; a happy one and a painful one. Sometimes, it feels like I made the happy one up in my head.
Tell me about that one first
It’s this blurry image of myself in my maternal grandfather’s village house in the east. I must’ve been three or four years. Someone served me eba and okro soup in a big bowl. Sometimes, I remember the smell of the food. I remember life being simple, breeze blowing in from a big window and me happy to see the food, not thinking twice before digging in.
And the bad memory?
I remember my aunties on my father’s side teasing me about my weight. They used to talk about how pretty I was, a future beauty queen. Then it became, “Don’t get fatter than this o” or “Ahn ahn, what are you eating?” One day, when I was about eight, momsi made beans and then another pot of spaghetti because popsi wanted that.
Because those are my two favourite meals, I couldn’t decide which one I wanted for dinner. So I ate my plate of beans, then went back to momsi in the kitchen and told her I still wanted to eat spaghetti. One of my older cousins’ wife was there with her, and she exclaimed about me eating two plates of food the whole time my mum was dishing. I really wanted to taste, and I honestly just had small portions of the beans and spaghetti, but I felt so ashamed.
When I brought the empty plate back to the kitchen, she was like, “Ah! And you finished it. Na wa o. So that’s how you’re just eating everything you see?” Momsi was quiet the whole time. She never ever defended me when she heard people fat-shame me. She always just stayed painfully quiet while I was dying inside.
Did you ever talk to her about it?
That’s the painful part. I asked her about it right after I graduated from uni, and she just said she was never aware of it. That made me feel like I’d been exaggerating the amount of teasing I got in my head. I still don’t know for sure, but it really did feel like I was always singled out and unfairly shamed.
Were you fat as a child?
I thought I was. But I’m amazed when I go through old photos from school because it was more like I was big and tall for my age, with round features and chubby cheeks. I wasn’t slim, but I wasn’t fat either. Since I was a size ten up until 300 level, I honestly don’t understand why people fat-shamed me so much. They were always shocked I could fit into certain things. I just had the type of body that looked fatter than it actually was. Growing up, this made me so confused about how fat I was and caught up on it all the time.
I was always thinking about how much I was eating. I was constantly not eating, and when I ate, I’d take Andrews Liver Salt, which was my best friend throughout boarding school. But then, I’d turn around to order a box of pizza and finish it all in one sitting during the holidays. Then I’d cry for hours and hate myself.
I was constantly checking the scale. I’d wake up in the morning, and the first thing I’d do before getting out of bed was put my hand around my upper arm to check if it was smaller. My classmates would tell me today that I was losing weight, and the next day, “Your face looks puffier.” And I’d spend the rest of the week wondering which one was correct.
Did you ask your friends?
My friends teased me a lot. They’d say I had a mini potbelly or my face looked bloated “like someone pumped it with air”. Someone once told me I talked like I had hot yam in my mouth. One time, a teacher, who’d been transferred to the primary school and then transferred back, saw me on the school street and was so shocked because she thought I’d have gotten much fatter than I was.
I’ll never forget the day I was having a casual conversation with a friend in another class — this was in SS 2. I don’t remember what she said that made me answer, “I’m not that fat.” And someone in the seat behind her just randomly said, “Not that fat?” with the loudest voice ever. I don’t even remember what happened after that because my comment and the other girl’s response are the only words seared into my mind from that scene.
If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why
Did you eat a lot in school?
Don’t know o. I even used to give out all my meat during lunch and dinner, never asked for more food and never ate breakfast because I always bought two galas and one Pepsi or Viju Milk during short break.
But I hated myself so much that after they distributed yearbooks in JSS 3, I cut my face out of people’s copies any chance I got. My classmates started thinking someone else was doing it and used that as a new reason to make fun of me.
Oh wow. What was it like in uni?
By uni, I was very selective of food because I noticed people were highly critical of me when it came to food.
For example, at the start of 100 level, when we were all just getting to know each other and making new friends, I started talking to this girl whose room was next door to mine. She came to my room one day, and was standing beside me as I was going through my provisions closet. I picked up a jar of Nutella, and she just exclaimed, “You have this thing? No wonder. You’ll just blow up.” I was so confused and ashamed because I really thought I was the slimmest I’d ever been at that point in my life.
That was uncalled for
Throughout uni, I only ate once a day and never in front of people. There was an entire semester when I lived on a pack of small chops without puff puff — two spring rolls, two samosas, a piece of gizzard and barbeque chicken — a day. Then I started hearing, “Don’t get slimmer than this o”, “Your chubbiness fits you”, “You won’t be fine if you were slim”, from friends. It was all so confusing.
And I used to lie stupidly about food a lot. Like when I told someone I hated small chops — I was ashamed to be eating them because of how greasy it was. But then, the person caught me either struggling with other students to buy a pack, or eating one, or telling another person that’s all I ate. I can’t really remember. All I know is next thing, he said, “I thought you hate small chops.”
They sha caught you in a lie
Yes o, red-handed. I found a way to deflect. But I cried that night. I felt so foolish.
I’m so sorry. What has your relationship with food been like in adulthood?
Well, for NYSC, I served far away from home. I brought a packet each of Minimie chinchin and Ribena with me to orientation camp. That’s all I ate during the three weeks there, one pack of each a day. I don’t know how I survived. But as soon as I entered town to begin the service year proper, I started stress eating. I was anxious about figuring out my life and career. I stuffed myself with so much food, I got properly fat, about size 14, by the time I returned to Lagos. And knowing my body structure, I was so round. That’s when things took a turn.
What happened?
I developed a kind of phobia for food I’ve still not gotten rid of today. Back in Lagos, fat and without a clue what I wanted for my life, I genuinely felt like nothing during that period. Like I didn’t have any value. So I fasted for days and prayed and cried and begged God for forgiveness for being such a glutton. I just stopped eating. When I was so tired and weak I had to eat something, I’d start crying once I saw or smelt the food.
Crying? Like, shedding real tears?
Yes. I wished I didn’t have to eat at all so I could just lose weight and people would see me as a person. I thought all people saw was a fat girl constantly in the process of getting fatter because she was always eating. At one point, all I could think about was food and how I could eat it to feel better.
That sounds scary. How did you overcome this?
Therapy. I couldn’t get a job and was withdrawing from everyone. I couldn’t even date because, I was terrified of getting married and having to get pregnant. Every pregnant woman I knew at the time doubled or tripled in weight. I even saw celebrities on IG whose faces and legs literally stretched out for their new weight.
When I say I was terrified, I mean I’d start shivering when I saw pregnancy photoshoots or even thought about it. I had to talk to a professional; there was no other solution. My cousin, who’d started seeing one after experiencing post-partum depression, referred me. I started therapy twice a week in 2014. Now, it’s once a month.
How did it go?
Very well. As soon as I started my sessions, I was ready to share every single thing I was going through and offload all the conflicting thoughts in my head. I really wanted it to work, so I put a lot of effort into it. I’d think hard about every question I was asked and consider every answer or suggestion I was given. I took all the prescribed medication too.
I tried not to do like the people in movies who deliberately make it hard for the therapist by hiding things and being cynical. Learning about food anxiety and body dysmorphia helped. For some reason, hearing logical explanations for some of my struggles took some weight off my chest.
But I weigh 61 kg today, and I still feel huge. I’ve made peace with the fact that I probably can never rework my brain to process myself as slim.
How are you now, though, with almost a decade of therapy?
I smoke weed, so I don’t overthink things or care at all about people’s idle words.
However, I still feel uncontrollably sad when I see food that’s supposed to be for me. Tears fall down my eyes when I’m eating sometimes. I even cry when I poop out the food. Although, at this point, it feels more like I’m sweating through my eyes than crying.
Every five minutes, a new restaurant or club opens in Lagos. It’s enough, abeg. How many food man wan chop? We need other options for places to go and things to do. So Lagos, please, give us these things in 2023.
Botanical gardens
Instead of yet another park that’ll be neglected, Lagos should give us a botanical garden. I don’t care where they want to get the money from, but they should do it. See, everyone who’s planning to open a restaurant or club this year should come together and combine their money to give us a big, beautiful botanic garden, like the one in Capetown.
Lagosians are always angry and transferring aggression because we have no way of releasing the anger. Give us one or two rage rooms where we can vent and maybe everyone would be a little bit happier.
Lagos is too populated for there to be just two proper arcades. It’s not every time people want to eat fancy tasteless food. Sometimes, they want to play Pac-Man or Whac-a-Mole, but they can’t, because there’s no arcade nearby.
Instead of making us pay to sit down, it’ll be better for Lagos beach owners to carry guns and rob us directly. We need new beaches in Lagos that don’t charge us for every little thing and have more to offer than expensive alcohol and overpriced food.
The good amusement park we have in Lagos is situated in Ibeju-Lekki, practically Ogun state if we’re being honest. And it doesn’t have a lot of interesting rides that make your heart enter your mouth. We deserve a proper amusement park where people can go and play like children, scream and release adrenaline. And please, let it not have some outrageous fee.
We need more VR places in Lagos. Partying and drinking aren’t the only escapes from reality. People would pay good money to temporarily escape the constraints of the real world to a world where nothing is impossible. Lagos, please, do better.
A selfie museum is a picture lover (and influencer)’s dream. A place with perfect lighting, backdrops, themed sections, props, etc., where people can take perfect pictures and videos. Content creators will finish their money in this place, and others will go just for the fun of taking nice photos. We need one in Lagos ASAP.
The only problem is Nigerians may not go to a bungee jumping spot in Lagos because they’ll use cheap ropes that’ll cut and kill them. But it’s a euphoria-inducing type of fun, and Lagos people love anything that can make them feel “high”.
In this big Lagos, how do we not have a Zoo? I’m not talking about all those mini zoos with starving animals. Imagine a big ass one with a variety of animals, an aquarium, a park for picnics, play areas, gift shops, etc. We deserve better than a conservation centre with five monkeys.
Before you join the million other people hating on January, you should know there are things you can do to help make it suck a little less.
Start doing these things if you want to get through January in one piece.
Fast
To make it better, some churches declare fasts in January. Even if you aren’t religious, you can pretend it’s because you want to lose the Christmas weight, and not because your account balance is dead and buried. You can’t go wrong with fasting.
Become an introvert
It’s not like there’s anywhere you can go. The parties are over, and most people are back to steady grinding.
But still attend owambes
People will still throw wedding parties every weekend like they’re not in this same Nigeria. That’s their own. Your own is to attend and eat free food.
Trek everywhere
Use it as a form of exercise. You can even think about your life and why you thought it was okay to finish your December salary before Christmas while at it.
Because you need to let out your frustrations. Fight with danfo conductors, or just drag people on Twitter, if throwing physical blows isn’t your thing.
Drink more water
A wise woman once said, “The one whose stomach is filled with water doesn’t desire food” or something like that. To make yourself feel better, you can even say you’re doing it for clearer skin.
Become prayerful
Make no mistake, you’ll need an all-powerful force to keep you relatively sane this month. The good thing is it works hand-in-hand with fasting.
Try your hand at motivational quotes
You need to believe you can aspire to maguire because the 774 days in January will try to break your spirit. Be prepared.
Yeah, it’s great to have New Year’s resolutions. But if you don’t have money, stay away from these particular ones. Simple.
A skincare routine
Your salary is ₦200k and your New Year’s resolution is to build a skincare routine? LOL. A good cleanser and moisturiser combo is at least ₦15k, and I’ve not even mentioned serum, sunscreen, face masks, etc. The worst part is these things come in tiny containers that don’t last more than two weeks. Just be ready to remove at least ₦50-100k from your account every month.
Move out of your parents’ house
Do you think people are moving back to their parents’ house because they miss their parents? Ask your friends who have moved out how they’re doing.
Become more fashionable
Even if you say you’ll enter market and buy clothes, those ones too have started charging the same price as Instagram vendors. My good sis, just manage the clothes you have in your wardrobe for now.
Go out more
If you’ve not figured out that outside is expensive, I don’t know what to tell you. The moment you step outside your house, the mighty spirit of billing will be waiting for you. If you plan to go out more this year, find a sponsor (AKA become a sugar baby).
Fall in love
If nobody told you, as someone who’s currently going through it, if you don’t have money, don’t enter a relationship. Are you ready to buy random “I love you” gifts, anniversary gifts, food, “Thinking about you” gifts, etc.? Davido knew what he was saying when he said, “When money enter, love is sweeter.”
Okay, I get it, you want to eat healthier this year. But do you know how expensive fruits and vegetables are? I bought one apple for ₦200 the other day, and I almost cried. If it’s a protein diet you want, sorry to you. Egg is now ₦100. Imagine how much chicken would be?
Japa
Even if you get a scholarship for tution, do you have the money to actually leave the country to attend the school? Flight is nothing less than ₦800k, and visa application fees are about ₦300k. Do I need to go on? But what Nigeria cannot do doesn’t exist, so it’ll probably still frustrate you into finding a way to leave.
Go to the gym
Gyms these days are coming up with new ways to collect money from people every chance they get. Either they’re increasing subscription fees or making up new ones out of nowhere. Just work out in your house.
You said “fuck the gym” because you wanted to do detty December. Now, the holiday is over and you have to face your demons AKA all the calories you gained in just two weeks.
If you’re resuming the fitness lifestyle after being away for a while, you can relate to these struggles.
Locating the gym
There’s a high chance you won’t remember where your gym is. You can’t even text your fitness trainer because you deleted their number from your phone when they were sending you reminders to come to the gym during the holidays.
Soreness
The body pain you’ll feel after your first day back at the gym, ehn? For every part of the body you move, you’ll feel pain. Is this gym even worth it sef?
Remembering how to do the exercises
Your trainer will tell you to do a side jack knife, and your head will start to hurt. Is that a real exercise or not? What the hell are cable chops? Let’s not even go into how your form will be completely shit for the first two days.
Dieting
You’ve gotten used to eating whatever you want at whatever time you like, and now, your trainer tells you to go back to the life of eating vegetables, intermittent fasting and staying away from alcohol. How are you supposed to do that?
You that they used to call “Treadmill Usain Bolt”. Two weeks away from the gym and you can’t even run at speed eight for ten minutes straight without panting like a dog in heat.
Making it to the gym
You broke your daily routine of getting dressed and going to the gym. Now every day for the next two weeks, you’llspend a good 30 minutes convincing yourself why fitness is worth it. Your mates that aren’t going to the gym, did they die?
Tears
After drinking, eating and sleeping the entire holiday, you expect to have added weight (If you’re one of those people who can eat without adding weight, please leave this place, mscheeew). But even with the expectation, you’ll still shed a few tears when you see the number on the scale. Now, you regret eating that plate of jollof rice at 2 a.m. Also, you’ll cry out of frustration because the weight won’t go in one day.
We’re tired of hearing that you’re single to stupor. That’s why we’ve come up with tips to help you avoid commenting, “God, when?” under people’s couple posts in 2023. Here’s how to get into a relationship in 2023.
Ask your parents to set you up
If there’s one thing you should know, it’s that Nigerian parents know people of all ages and genders. And because they want grandchildren, they’ll be very happy to set you up with a potential partner. They’re already doing it behind your back anyway, so just give them the official go-ahead.
Go outside oooo
I beg you in the name of everything you love, go out next year. Throughout 2022, you stayed in your house and remained single because your soulmate didn’t come knocking at your door. In 2023, leave your house. Even if it’s just to walk down your street.
Try speed dating
I think speed dating is one of the best ways to find your soulmate. First of all, you’ll go on multiple dates in one day and setting, which is less stressful. Secondly, If you don’t feel the spark potential soulmates should feel in five minutes then the person isn’t meant for you. On to the next one.
Hang a sign outside your house
Just like how people hang signs for work vacancies. Yours should say, “Serious relationship wanted”, with a list of criteria. Let people know how serious you are.
Enter other people’s relationships
At least you’ll be entering a relationship. Just not yours.
Steal someone’s partner
Maybe your soulmate is currently dating somebody else. Steal people’s partners until you find the one meant for you.
Be wicked
From conversations I’ve read on Twitter TL, it looks like people love wickedness. That’s the only thing that explains why people are still falling in love with Igbo women and Yoruba men. Stop trying to be their peace and start showing them pepper, and they’ll commit to you.
Post your pictures
How do you expect anyone to ask you out when the last time you posted a picture of yourself was in 2015? We’re in 2023 please, people aren’t going to enter your DMs because the memes you post are funny. Do better.
Be interesting to talk to
Stop all that “wyd”, “lol”, and “have you eaten” nonsense. You’re a grown adult, learn how to have proper conversations. If not people will keep blocking you and you’ll keep wondering why God doesn’t like you. Meanwhile, you’re the architect of your own problem.
Unfortunately for you, work has resumed. Since you can’t manufacture a public holiday, it’s time to do the job you’re paid to do.
God, abeg
But how do you work when every cell in your body either wants to rewind time so it’s December again, or fast-forward it to payday? Just use these tips.
Start counting the days
Anytime you get tired of work, remember you’re a few more hours closer to salary day.
Throw in pointless office lingo
Because what says performance-driven employee like throwing words like “bandwidth”, “circle back” or “drill down”? It doesn’t even need to relate to the subject matter. Just say it so it sounds like your mind is on your job.
Look serious
Even though you aren’t currently doing anything, everyone will think you’re brainstorming the next big idea.
Blame MTN and their cohorts
I’m not saying you should use bad internet as an excuse for not doing your work o. But it’s not within your control, abi?
Set up meetings
You don’t even need an agenda. Everyone knows most meetings are just a waste of time. You can even say the purpose is for everyone to share what they learnt during the holidays. That should knock at least two hours off the day.
Just look busy
If you need to @channel on Slack for no reason, or walk up and down your office to look busy, just do it. Others may call it eye service, but you’re just protecting your job.
Remember the state of your account balance
Can you really afford to leave your job? We’ll leave you to answer that yourself.
Beg God to let you blow this year
At the end of the day, who even likes working? Just blow so you can tell your oga to eat their job.
It’s no longer news that Nigeria is entering the New Year 2023 with a host of problems. From tackling insurgency and other forms of insecurity to voting for the next president in the upcoming elections, a lot of decisions need to be made.
For now, let’s focus on the Finance Bill of 2022. This is a legislation document created in order to support the implementation of the national budget.
What is the purpose of the Finance Bill?
The Finance Bill was created to help increase revenue for the country. This is done in order to shoulder the costs of expenses in the National budget. In simple terms, the bill was made to make more money for Nigeria as expenses accumulate in the budget.
What’s wrong with the Finance Bill?
The bill, which was recently passed by the National Assembly (NASS) on December 28, 2022, has caused a lot of anger amongst Nigerians. This is because of two reasons – the time the bill was passed and the content of the bill.
The bill was approved for the president’s assent by both the Senate and the House of Representatives in the National Assembly (NASS) three weeks before the public hearing of the bill by stakeholders in January 2023. This simply means that none of the parties involved were able to see the contents of the bill before it was passed.
However, the major bone of contention is the content of the bill. The amendments seem to be heavily focused on billing Nigerians (especially business owners and investors in the private sector) in the form of taxes. Let’s take a look at some of them:
A 0.5% import tax levy on all goods from outside Africa
At first, an import tax levy sounds great to help boost revenue for local producers. However, this isn’t the case at all. Manufacturers are complaining about the high import duty costs for raw materials needed.
These import duty costs could be as high as 35%. The tax so far has affected their income and even made some producers close down their businesses.
Every service provided in Nigeria will be charged with an excise duty tax
Excise duty tax is now to be charged on every service in Nigeria. Currently, it is only taxed on certain manufactured goods such as alcohol and narcotics. The rate is to be announced by the President himself.
This simply means that tariffs on data subscriptions and calls, medical bills, electricity bills, and even TV subscriptions are about to get even more expensive than usual for the average Nigerian.
An income tax raise for all gas companies from 30% to 50%
Ballers in the oil and gas business may be on their way to becoming mechanics. The Finance Bill has declared a raise in Company Income Tax (CIT) from30% to 50%. This is for all companies that deal with natural gas.
Considering that the Nigeria Liquified Natural Gas Company (NLNG) had to declare a force majeure (a law that absolves companies from the obligation of supplying their clients during emergencies) during the flood crisis in 2022, it seems unfair to call an income tax raise just at the beginning of the year.
Digital assets including cryptocurrency are now to be taxed
Owners of all digital assets may now have to pay a price for their ownership. The Federal Government is now taxing 10% of all digital assets. These include Non-Fungible Tokens (NFTs) and cryptocurrencies.
Chargeable assets such as land are to be taxed based on capital loss
A capital loss is the amount derived when a chargeable asset has decreased from its original value. Examples of these chargeable assets could be cars, jewelry, land, etc.
With this explained, capital losses from chargeable assets are now to be taxed from the gain one makes when the item is sold. For instance, if one sells a piece of land and it has decreased in value, then the owner is going to pay tax on the capital loss to the government if it is eventually sold.
Can anything be done to change this?
For now, the bill has not yet been passed into law, as the nation still awaits President Muhammadu Buhari’s assent. We can only hope that he gives a listening ear to all stakeholders and grants a public hearing on the bill.
The time every capitalist slave dreads is finally here. The holidays are ending, and your owner, capitalism, is about to take over.
Let’s take you through all the stages and emotions you’ll experience in the coming days.
At first, you’ll be indifferent
You’ve just been sleeping and eating for a while now, and work is the last thing on your mind… if it’s even on your mind at all.
Then, reality starts to kick in
Your office is already sending you season’s greetings and “can’t wait to see you at the office” messages. How many days was the holiday sef?
You start considering your options
You start thinking of excuses to stretch your holiday as much as possible. What if you tell oga that the only filling station in your village burned down and there’s no fuel for buses to travel back to your city? They should understand.
Before realising you have no choice
Because no matter what excuses you give, capitalism always wins. Unless you don’t have issues with poverty or sleeping under the bridge.
Cue in anger
Then you start blaming everyone and anyone for your predicament. Who even decided people have to work to survive? Whose ancestor invented work, and why do we have to suffer because of that?
You finally resume
And paste on fake smiles when the office oversabi starts talking about how much they missed everyone at the office. Stop it, Sandra. We know you’re lying.
And embrace fake humility
Have you forgotten it’s January? No buying of unnecessary amala at lunch. Better hide somewhere and drink your garri in peace if you want to survive the coming days.
Start counting down to the next holiday
How can the next holiday be all the way in April? Why isn’t Valentine’s Day a public holiday? Don’t we all need time off to celebrate the power of love?
The Nigerian Voter is a series that seeks to understand the motivations that drive the voting decisions of Nigerians — why they vote, how they choose their candidates, why some have never voted, and their wildest stories around elections.
This week’s subject of The Nigerian Voter is Stephanie*, a fashion designer in her late twenties who has served as an INEC official in the 2015 and 2019 elections. She shared her experiences on the job and what next year’s elections for her would be like.
Why did you decide to become an election official?
The money — I didn’t do it for patriotism or anything of the sort. For both elections, I remember I was paid around ₦40,000 for the job, which is some nice spare change to have.
How does one become an election official?
There are people who work for INEC full-time, but for elections you can be trained to become an adhoc staff, which is temporary.
What’s the process like?
You have to register online and follow the procedures like providing your details including your name and phone number. They’d then send a text to let you know the dates for training which normally happens for a couple of days.
Wow, sounds cool. So what were your responsibilities?
I was in charge of voter accreditation for both elections. In the morning, people would come with their Permanent Voter’s Card (PVC) to authenticate their identity as valid voters. There’s a register of voters in each polling unit, and the smart card reader would detect if your name is in the register of that polling unit. The accreditation process usually stops around noon, just before voting starts.
Are there other adhoc positions?
I know we’re four workers per polling unit — there are people in charge of ballot boxes and thumbprinting. NYSC corps members are also used because they can easily retrieve their details. It’s been a while so I’ve forgotten some of the other roles.
Any memorable experiences from working as an election official?
I can’t say I’ve had experiences that stood out for me, but I remember the smart card reader was always faulty and there was hardly ever any power supply or good data connection for it. I also know there were always representatives from APC, PDP and other parties who make election workers feel comfortable with food and drinks.
Can you elaborate on that?
Not really. Their job was to make sure elections and ballot counting are fair. As a rule of the thumb, election officials count their ballots in everyone’s presence for transparency. I believe the party agents might have had ulterior motives like currying our favour towards their side, but I’m not a mind reader.
Did you have any bad experiences?
I can’t say I have, because all I needed to do was voter accreditation, and that’s usually in the mornings. I’d mention, though, that the places election officials sleep in are usually unguarded schools. You’d usually also have to sleep with one eye open, as you are sleeping with strangers and you need to safeguard your property. Fortunately for me, I’ve not suffered any bodily harm or loss of property. It’s mostly just discomfort from mosquitoes and sleeping on a chair or table.
You certainly have a choice to come from home, but it’s usually not advisable because of the restricted movement during elections.
Are you going to be an INEC official again in 2023?
I definitely won’t be, and that’s because I’m scared there’s going to be a lot of blood on the streets with the 2023 elections. Plus, I really just want to vote and do my part as a citizen this year.
Why are you scared?
I’ve seen a candidate who feels entitled to the presidential seat and would do everything possible to get there.
Do you have anyone you’d like to vote for in 2023?
For governorship and local government, I must confess I don’t know who to vote for yet. For the presidential election, it’s most likely Peter Obi of the Labour Party (LP).
Why Obi for president?
I’m just tired of power belonging only to the APC and PDP in this country. They’ve both not taken the country to the greener pastures they’ve frequently promised and the presence of a third force is quite unique. I’m willing to try them and see how it goes. I also believe we can vote Obi out if he doesn’t perform anyway because he doesn’t seem to be power drunk. Let’s make the APC and PDP know we can put anyone in charge, not them. That’s the purpose of a democracy.
What problems do you want Nigeria’s next president to solve?
I would say insecurity. People have been dying from the attacks by Boko Haram and the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB). I’d like to travel to my nativeland and feel safe.
Poverty is another thing. The inflation has gone so crazy with the prices of food going up daily. I’m so lucky I don’t have kids because the bills I currently shoulder would have tripled. Everything is not okay in general.
Would you recommend that people should be election officials?
No, because I feel it may be risky. With agberos roaming around and causing mischief, it’s not the safest of jobs at all.
Are you encouraging people to vote this year?
Whenever I see anyone complain of the price hikes in transportation and food, I always remind them it was the incompetence of our present leaders that caused the negative change in things. Therefore, they should take their PVC and make a conscious decision to elect the right people into power in 2023.
Most jobs usually have a condition that binds an employee to be on their best behaviour or risk termination of employment. No one wants to hire a chef who stinks up the kitchen or a driver who drinks on the job.
Unless you have a car you can afford to lose to gravity
This social contract about red flags isn’t any different for politicians who want to occupy influential positions that determine the state of their societies. But Nigerian politicians are clearly not subjected to any known laws of nature because they’ve got away with things that would make other regular people lose their jobs.
The people on this list are top of the class.
Elisha Abbo
He thinks he’s him. He thinks he’s James Bond
You’d think one of the most enduring qualities of a public official would be their temperament and strong willpower not to commit crimes. But Senator Elisha Abbo didn’t consult that handbook when he savagely attacked a woman inside a sex toy shop in Abuja.
Just a few weeks after he was sworn in as the youngest senator of Nigeria’s 9th Assembly in 2019, a leaked video of the attack turned the lawmaker into online sensation. Abbo repeatedly slapped the woman because she supported the shop owner whom the lawmaker had accused of insulting him. Even worse, he instructed police officers to arrest her while vowing to deal with her.
The incident sparked a tsunami of outrage that resulted in a Senate investigation, a criminal case and a civil lawsuit. The Federal Capital Territory (FCT) High Court ordered the senator to pay his victim, Osimibibra Warmate, ₦50 million as compensation, but he beat the criminal case and the Senate investigation died a shameful, quiet death.
The senator even comically won a “Beacon of Hope” award and an “ICON at Democracy” award months after the assault. He’s contesting for a second term as senator in 2023.
Ovie Omo-Agege
If you don’t know what a mace is, just think of it as the Bible of a legislative chamber in Nigeria. It’s the most sacred object of authority that gives legitimacy to the business of the people that make laws ruining running our lives as Nigerians. But on April 18, 2018, some thugs invaded the upper legislative chamber where senators meet and stole their mace. If you’re wondering how thugs invaded a well-fortified building crawling with security agents, it’s because they entered the chamber with Senator Ovie Omo-Agege who had been suspended by the chamber for misconduct.
The police arrested and questioned Omo-Agege but he maintained his innocence. The mace was later found abandoned by the roadside but no one else was ever arrested. The case ended up as another mysterious one for our police officers to never bother about solving.
Now, no one is allowed to call Omo-Agege a mace thief, so we’re definitely not calling him a mace thief.
We’re just pointing out that the thieves followed him into the chamber to grab the mace and take it out for lunch. This would be a career-ending scandal for a politician in saner climes — if they don’t end up in jail first. But, like a phoenix, Omo-Agege rose from the ashes of the controversy and won his re-election as a senator. His colleagues were so impressed by his panache that they even elected him the deputy senate president in 2019.
Omo-Agege is now a strong contender to win the 2023 election to become Delta State’s next governor. Who said stealing the mace doesn’t pay?
Abdullahi Ganduje
He’s got hands that love to receive
What do you get a man who has everything and is sitting in a prime position to corner public funds? The answer to that question can change from person to person, but we know how the governor of Kano State, Abdullahi Ganduje, likes it.
The answer is dollars
In October 2018, the Daily Nigerian published a series of scandalous videos that caught Gandollar Ganduje taking wads of American dollars from someone and sticking them into his clothes. The collection was payment he took from a contractor — allegedly o — to approve contracts for a project. Basically, he was getting paid dollars on the side to motivate him to do his day job. Some people would call it bribery, and many people called it that.
“It’s only a crime if you get caught, right?”
The videos raised a stink and Nigerians called for the governor’s impeachment and prosecution, but Ganduje used his good friends in the Kano State House of Assembly to block all that nonsense blowback and kept his job.
The governor went even further to win re-election one year later and was cheeky enough to make anti-corruption policies to stop public officials from becoming like him abusing their power.
Abba Moro
In 2014, the Nigeria Immigration Service (NIS) needed to fill 4,556 vacant positions and made a public call for recruitment. 675,675 young Nigerians applied across the country and even paid a controversial ₦1,000 access fee. Things started to go sideways when over 500,000 shortlisted applicants were instructed to go to designated centres for further assessment.
The volume of applicants that showed up caused overcrowding issues which escalated and left at least 15 people dead in the ensuing chaos in Abuja, Edo, Niger and Rivers.
The chief architect of the recruitment exercise was Abba Moro who was the Minister of Interior at the time. Moro’s initial reaction to the tragedy was to blame the victims for their impatience — he’s a Nigerian politician after all. It took the minister more than a week to even acknowledge some responsibility. He also blamed Drexel Tech Nigeria Limited, the firm hired to run the exercise, for the disorganisation and illegal fees paid by the applicants, but a Senate investigation discovered he made the unilateral decision to hire the consultant.
Abba Moro never lost his job over the scandal, and even beat a criminal case that convicted another official, Anastasia Daniel-Nwobia, who was the Permanent Secretary of the ministry, for awarding the contract to the firm.
While the case dragged in court for years, Abba Moro contested and won a senate seat in 2019, and is contesting for a second term in 2023.
One game the Nigerian government loves playing is the blame game. And we’ve seen that play out many times with the current Buhari administration, from blaming the state of our country on so-called lazy youths to blaming the weather for fuel scarcity. It’s 2022, and fingers are still being pointed.
Early in December 2022, the Minister of State for Budget and National Planning, Clement Agba, blamed the state governments for the level of poverty in the country. Barely 24 hours later, President Muhammadu Buhari voiced the same accusation, saying the state governors were looting local government funds.
The Minister of Finance, Zainab Ahmed, disclosed that the Buhari administration has supported states with over ₦5 trillion since 2015, but millions of Nigerians are still extremely poor.
We’re approaching the final six months of the Buhari administration with another administration on the way, but the problems plaguing us as a nation have barely changed.
If the government’s allegations are true, how and on what projects were these funds spent? Well, we have a few guesses.
Exotic rides
Nigerian politicians know how to live soft lives on our national cake. Nobody does it better than them. We’ve also seen that they can be very cheerful givers. In April, the governor of Zamfara State, Bello Matawalle, distributed 260 brand new Cadillac 2019 model cars to traditional rulers to thank them for sustaining peace. This was a week after he distributed 15 brand new Hilux cars to leaders of “repentant” bandit groups.
You’d think a governor whose state has one of the highest population of out-of-school children would focus scarce resources on addressing that rather than rewarding criminals. But no, this is Nigeria, and logic doesn’t live here.
Exploring overseas
Our politicians were probably explorers and adventurers in their previous lives because they enjoy being anywhere but home. And if we look more closely, they started the japa trend because they mostly have their families abroad, and their children hardly ever have to pass through the ASUU strike rite of passage. Even our First Lady, Aisha Buhari, decided the country was too stressful and spent six months in Dubai and can you blame her?
Medical tourism
In July 2022, the vice-president, Yemi Osinbajo, received praise for undergoing surgery in Nigeria, and that showed how low the bar is for our politicians. Millions are spent by government officials seeking foreign healthcare. And unfortunately, the ambassador of this sad trend is our president himself, who, despite his promise to end medical tourism, has spent a total of 237 days abroad for health reasons.
As we already know, elections in Nigeria are expensive. The 2023 presidential nomination form for one of the political parties cost ₦100 million. This is one of the reasons why politics today is ruled by godfatherism. This system ensures successful candidates use state resources to repay favours owed once they get into office.
Getting into office as a Nigerian politician is an opportunity to ball with your guys
While Nigerian politicians keep pointing at non-existent excuses for their failures, Nigerians are suffering from neglect. Hopefully, the next administration we elect in 2023 will spend Nigeria’s money on Nigerians..
What’s it like to grow up with deeply religious parents who believe the world’s most celebrated holiday is a “pagan ritual”? Sophia* shares why she still feels guilty about Christmas, as a 25-year-old adult who no longer attends her parents’ church, but still lives with them.
As told to Boluwatife
The first time I remember hearing the word “Christmas” was in December 2006. I was nine years old, and my new primary school was organising a Christmas party. I’d just transferred to the school some months before when my military dad was posted to the state. My teacher had mentioned the party in class as she handed us letters to give our parents.
She talked about picking pupils to star in a Christmas play during the party, and I remember my best friend, Chidera, being all excited about it. Even at nine, I knew Chidera was dramatic, so it only made sense she’d want to act in the play. I had no interest in acting, but seeing her excitement made me look forward to attending the Christmas party. I never did.
I took the letter home and handed it to my mum — it was an invitation to the party, including details of how much each pupil was to pay. My mum went berserk, and the next day, she was at my school shouting at my teacher and headmistress. I didn’t really understand the problem at the time, but now, I know too well.
You see, my parents are staunch members of a conservative church whose doctrines deeply frown against things like make-up, female trousers, drumming in church, hair extensions, and most importantly, celebrating Christmas. They believe the Bible never mentions celebrating the birth of Christ or even the date he was born. According to them, the star that led the wise men to Christ could’ve been engineered by the devil to help King Herod find and kill the baby.
In conclusion, Christmas was a no-no in our house, and it became even more apparent after this Christmas party incident. I’m an only child, and since my dad is the stereotypical hardly-around, leaves-child-training-to-the-mother kinda father, my mum made it her duty to drill into my head the dangers of taking part in a “pagan ritual” and going against the will of God. It didn’t help that I suddenly became aware of all the lovely things other children in the barracks enjoyed during the festive season.
On Christmas day, you’d see them match around the barracks in new clothes, with money in their hands to buy sweets and biscuits. The stubborn ones would even buy banga when it was considered contraband in the barracks.
I desperately wanted to wear nice clothes and buy sweets too. But on Christmas Day 2008, I made the mistake of suggesting it to my mother. She beat me so much I still have a scar on my right elbow to remind me of my foolishness.
I never mentioned Christmas at home again. I moved out in 2014, when I got admission to the university, and stayed on campus throughout my five-year degree period, only visiting home during the holidays. My school was in a different state, and it was expensive to travel, so it only made sense to limit my visits.
Living away from home, especially when you have strict parents, opens you to a level of freedom you never had before. It was in school I started using makeup and wearing trousers. I also experimented with relaxers and hair extensions before I decided I hated it and went fully natural in my final year. I had freedom, but I was still religious. I don’t think it’s possible to just throw away everything you’ve known all your life.
I still regularly attended church, but not my parents’ church. I attended the campus branch of their church once, then my roommates invited me to their church. I went with them one Sunday and never looked back.
It was one of these new-generation churches I’m sure my parents would rather die than attend, but fellowshipping with young believers helped me experience religion in a different light. I learnt that God isn’t just the “all-consuming lion” my parents project him as, but he’s also a loving father. I loved that church, but never got used to the ladies praying with uncovered hair. What’s that they say about leopards never changing their spots?
Maybe it’s the reason why I never got comfortable during December activities at the church. They didn’t share my home church’s Christmas-is-a-sin beliefs, and from the very first day of December, you could tell Christmas was in the air. They’d decorate the church hall and stuff every service with Christmas messages and carols. We even did secret Santa and exchanged gifts during the Christmas Day service. I loved it, but I never got rid of my mum’s voice in my head, shouting, “Don’t participate in pagan rituals!”
For the December holidays I spent at home, it was just easier to follow the status quo and attend my parents’ church. They didn’t do any special December activities, of course, so it was just like old times. My mother did notice my relaxed hair once — I never wore makeup or trousers at home — and might have killed me if our neighbours didn’t interfere. She didn’t talk about it again, which is surprising, but I think she feared I might do worse in school.
After finishing university around 2020, I returned home for what was supposed to be a brief stay before National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) posting, but COVID happened, so I basically served from home, and I’ve been here ever since. I got a job close to home in 2021.
Even though I no longer attend my parents’ church since I started working in 2021 — I refused to give in to their demands to go with them — I still have to respect them by toning down my fashion, and of course, never mentioning Christmas. It doesn’t mean I don’t miss the carols, decorations and gifts, but to be honest, I’m not entirely sure my current anti-Christmas stance is out of respect for my parents or a nagging feeling that I’m sinning against God.
Maybe I’ll grow out of it one day, but I don’t see it happening while I still live under my parents’ roof.
*Subject’s name has been changed to protect her identity.
Hi, I’m Sylvester Effiong Ekanem, a.k.a. Effyze. I’m a 21-year-old digital artist, recording artist and content creator. I’ve been drawing all my life. I’m extremely unique; I’ve just come to embrace that about myself. Life is too short to want to be like someone else. I hate learning something new because at that stage, it’s so frustrating. My number-one supporter would be my mum because she let me study fine and applied arts — majoring in graphics/animation — and that’s really cool. I’m working on my first Webtoon show called Unfamous.
Unfamous sounds fun. What’s it about?
It’s a web series.
It’s about four friends who go to an influencer high school in Nigeria — a satire on the lives of influencers. It focuses on the friends — Folake, Styles, Zoey and Femi — their wild imaginations and experiences. There are a lot of side characters who are influencers of different niches and genres. I really want people to resonate with these characters, especially now when everyone is on TikTok with a notion of what a content creator’s life is like. Unfamous shows the funny side of what everybody thinks about influencers.
How did you convince your Nigerian mum to support your art?
My mum is one of my best friends. She’s not wild like most Nigerian or African mums. She has her moments, I’m not going to lie, but most of the time, she’s really cool. There are so many things most African youths can’t approach their moms to ask for that I can. And it made it really easy to just let her know I didn’t want to study medicine or engineering. I wanted to go to school to draw. She already knew I had it in me. The walls of our first house really suffered. In secondary school, everyone was drawing Ben 10, Naruto and Goku, but I wasn’t just drawing stuff I saw in movies, I imagined my own characters. It wasn’t really much of a big deal to convince my mum. And I love her for it.
Did you have that childhood experience where your parents discover you can draw so they refer you to one uncle to put you through?
I was the kind of kid who’d cling to any older person who could draw. When I was little, I was so intrigued by anyone who could draw, so I didn’t need anyone to do that for me.
What was the first character you created?
Dennis the Vampire. I wasn’t as creative with the names of the characters I came up with, or their stories. The name was inspired by Dennis, the Menace — my mum used to buy me a lot of comic books. It was about this vampire who was really bad at being a vampire. He had glasses on because he couldn’t see. Every single issue of that comic book ended with him getting sunburnt to a crisp.
How old were you when you created him?
I was in my JSS 3, so I was 12 going on 13. I don’t have any of the illustrations anymore, but I remember what he looked like. It was my first original character, after all. If I were asked to redraw him, I definitely know how I’d do it.
Would you recreate it anytime soon?
I don’t know. The thing is back then it must’ve felt super original to me, but now that I’m grown, I realise it wasn’t as original as I thought. If I revisit Dennis, I might change the story a bit. For starters, he was white and had a black best friend. I was wired to understand that was the perfect dynamic. I can change that now.
You seem heavily into pop culture.
I’m the last kid in my house. My immediate elder sibling is five years older. So I grew up with people who already knew what was trending at the time. My brothers were all into gangster rap, and my sister listened to R&B. Watching them inspired me to know what I want early on. And lucky for me, the things I like tend to go mainstream.
I’m watching Wednesday right now. I see stuff that’s mainstream, and it’s really intriguing to me. Some people are like, “Oh, mainstream is boring. Go underground.” I feel like it’s popular for a reason.
What were those shows for you growing up? Were they all animated?
It was a mix of animated movies/shows and live action. For starters, I’m a Disney boy (for life). Growing up, I’d watch Kim Possible almost religiously. I’m also a big Cartoon Network boy. Stephen Universe’s art style has inspired me a lot. That and Total Drama.
Your web series art style is giving The Proud Family with some Jimmy Neutron — because of the large heads. And I sense some gaming influence.
I don’t play games, but I do admire game characters a lot. You’ve mentioned some really nice toons too, TBH. Jimmy Neutron and TheProud Family are very dear to my heart. But for Unfamous, I think the art style I really incorporatedwould be Gravity Falls, one of my best cartoons off the Disney channel. When I was figuring out the art style, I really did get a lot of inspiration from Gravity Falls, but not so much that when you see it, you’d think, is this Gravity Falls fanfiction or something? When I imitate an art style, I just take elements from the style.
Are you studying animation in Nigeria?
I wish. But my final thesis sheds light on how universities need to start offering animation courses of study here in Nigeria. The closest thing to a computer-animation-related programme I could get was graphics design in UNN. And that’s where I am.
I don’t trust Nigerian schools enough to think it’s being taught well
It’s not. In the first semester of my final year, we learnt surface-level UI. To be honest, our lecturers don’t know much about what they’re showing us because when they were learning, they used cutters and rulers and cartons to construct stuff. They’re trying their best, teaching us the theory. The practicals, which is the real work, I learn from YouTube and Skill Share.
Something I find really cool about you is you make couples’ art. Tell me about that
The first-ever couple I illustrated was my friends, Ubong and Joey. They were dating at the time. I just used them to practice. Then I started getting commissions from couples for their weddings. Every couple I’ve ever drawn ends up genuinely resonating with my goofy version of themselves, and it’s just really great to see.
How much did you charge when you started drawing for couples, and how much do you charge now?
When I started digital art, I didn’t understand how to put a price on my work. I felt I was just starting, and therefore, should be cheap. That’s not a good notion to carry in your head. What matters is how good you are and how well you can deliver.
The first-ever commission I got was from a couple who wanted their wedding souvenir to be different from what everyone else was doing in 2017. I charged them ₦10k. These people lived abroad. I was just starting, but it was still quality art. I remember the money finished just as fast as it came.
Now, it’s a lot different. I follow a lot of artists who give tutorials about putting a price on your art. I got to know about pricing and list making, and I came up with price levels in 2021. A pack of six illustrations of you and your partner is ₦30k, for eight, it’s ₦35k, and the 16 is ₦45k. There have been times when I compromised because I just loved the project. It depends on how much I believe in the project. It doesn’t even have to be a couples thing. It could be a children’s book or stickers.
Do you mean WhatsApp stickers?
When I illustrate couples, I just make the Whatsapp stickers and send if they want them. That’s a promo thing I do. I remember when I started doing that in 2020, it was for a couple who lived in Brooklyn. They wanted stickers they could use on social media platforms, and I was like, WhatsApp would be a good one. So I thought that’s what I could do on the side to say thank you to my clients for their patronage, because it really doesn’t take much to make them.
How many have you done so far?
I’ve illustrated well over 50 couples since I started in 2019.
How do you bring life to the people in your couples art?
Some people don’t exactly know how to describe what they want, so I ask questions about character traits. Someone who loves to read or is mischievous would be represented just like that. For people I already know, or relationships I’ve witnessed, I don’t think I’d need to ask them to tell me about themselves. But if it’s a stranger, I ask them.
Who influenced you to take on animation?
I owe my love for drawing to Chris Brown. It’s his talent that motivated me to start everything I do now — singing, acting, choreography, drawing. I remember listening to With You for the first time and being like, “Who’s this guy?” When I started researching about him and found out he could draw, I said, “Oh, I’m going to draw too” because I wanted to be like Chris Brown. Other people have inspired me too, like Butch Hartman.
That’s bold in 2022. Who inspires you right now?
Yes, I have other artist inspirations too. When I started doing digital art, I was afraid I’d be the only Nigerian doing it. I was amazed to discover artists like Mohammed Agbadi, Mumu Illustrator and many more. I know a lot of really amazing Nigerians that, when you see their work, you’ll wish you could do something like that. People like Nari Animation. He inspired me to start learning how to draw backgrounds. Most of my recent inspirations are Nigerian artists. Seeing people, who understand what it’s like to be Nigerian, create these things is amazing. Also, Ridwan Moshood, the creator of Garbage Boy and Trash Can, is a huge inspiration. I follow him everywhere.
Are you working on a big project we should be expecting?
In years to come, I really hope I can do an animated show. But before that, Unfamous is coming for you guys, and it’ll be great. I’m writing it with one of my best friends, Arnold. We’ve known each other since we were five.
What are your favorite works so far?
I’m really feeling this piece called Otilo (She’s far gone). It’s currently on my Instagram, a photo I drew of a girl smoking out her window. You can see what she’s thinking, just like random stuff in nice doodles on the side. I really resonate with it. I’m also proud of this album cover I did for an artist. He wanted something a little spooky. An artwork I think I’ll always be proud of was this angelic lady adorned in gold. She was crying; over her crying face was a smiley face. It’s the first time I drew what I was feeling. I’m proud of all of them, my little scribbles and warm-up sketches. I’m just trying to make sure I’m proud of myself before anyone else is proud of me. If you don’t approve of yourself, you’ll always be looking for approval elsewhere.
What are the highs and lows of being a digital artist and animator?
The best way to create digital art is to have good materials, and I’ve never had any of those. The ones I have are OK, but not cutting-edge. The real struggle is me trying to use regular materials to make A-grade art.
What do you enjoy doing when you’re not in school?
I sing. To draw, you’d have to get your tools, press buttons and all that. But with singing, I just open my mouth and never shut up. When I’m not drawing, I’m definitely singing, and I’m an R&B boy. I think I sing more than I draw these days.
Do you have anything out?
Right now, it’s just covers for people who want to listen to what I have to say and get an idea of the kind of sound to expect once I start putting out actual music. The biggest question an artist must ask themselves is how they’ll tell their story. That’s why I’m taking my time. I’m still trying to figure out how to tell my story. I have a few demos on AudioMack, but there are bigger projects coming.
What do you want for your life and career?
First of all, I’m manifesting happiness and fulfillment. What I want is for people to see my art and resonate with it. I want people to feel things they didn’t even think they could until they saw or heard my art. Everybody wants to go mainstream. But I don’t just want to blow, I want people to have a purpose once they experience my work. It may sound like a lot of pressure to put on oneself, but it’s what’s keeping me going. A lot of artists starting out have messaged me on Instagram asking for advice, and I give them everything I know. I want to impact people’s lives with my art. In 50 years, I want to look back and see I actually achieved what I wanted to achieve.
And in terms of measurable success?
In the next five years, I want to see Unfamous go from a comic to an animated show, maybe on YouTube. We could start from there and build up. In music, I feel like every musician’s dream is to pour their heart out in a song, have everybody singing that song, and then a few awards here and there. For me, it all boils down to resonation. Even if I don’t win awards, if I walk down a street and see people just listening to my music on their phones, I’d feel like I’ve won.
What would you like to share with people who are scared to start creating?
Don’t compare yourself with any other person. Most artists are in love with everybody’s art except their own. It’s one thing to be driven by someone else’s art, but it’s another thing to continuously compare yourself with them. You shouldn’t do that as a beginner artist. Let your last work be your competition. Think this way, “I’ve created this. The next one will surpass it. I’m in competition with myself. I’m only getting better.” You might not know how long the people you compare yourself with have been practising. Art is subjective; whatever you’re creating is still art.
I’m writing this letter on behalf of all Nigerians. I’m not here to ask for an iPad or a car — although if you could give me those, that’d be great (especially the car because I’m tired of entering danfo bus). No, this is to ask you for a better Nigeria.
Honestly, Santa, I have beef with you. How do you have the power to give people whatever they want (as long as they’ve been good), and you haven’t given me the better Nigeria I’ve been asking for? I’ve been a good girl for so long: I’ve stopped stealing meat from the pot in the middle of the night, I now do chores without complaining, I share with the less privileges (AKA my siblings)…yet you keep giving me coal. Meanwhile, our wicked Nigerian leaders keep getting new cars, houses, vacations, etc. Is it fair? Whose side are you on?
I’ve come to ask again. And I need you to come through for me and other Nigerians now more than ever. 2022 has been one hell of a tough one for us. ASUU had an eight-month strike, holding the students’ lives hostage. Some even forgot about school and started businesses. This is the year the national grid collapsed more times than people at a Michael Jackson concert. Electricity supply was scarce, and it affected business and other aspects of people’s daily lives. And on top of that, fuel scarcity had us in a chokehold every other week.
Then there was the crazy inflation. Food prices seemed to double every week. Santa, Double Chickwizz is now ₦1,500 (it was ₦1k at the start of 2022), can you believe that? One pack of Indomie is ₦140 (was ₦70), evaporated milk is ₦600 (was ₦300), yam is ₦2000 (was ₦800), and the worst of it all, one egg is ₦100 (was ₦50). Do you see how we’re suffering?
Also, insecurity is at its peak, people are either getting laid off or owed salaries for months, the naira keeps devaluing, SARS still exists, and nobody has answered for the Lekki tollgate massacre of 2020.
If you’re wondering what our leaders are doing about these things, they’re out there being actors, influencers, travel bloggers, content creators, dancers and jokers, coming up with policies that’ll make the lives of Nigerians even more difficult. And that’s why I’ve come to you for help, Santa. Can a new Nigeria be your collective gift to all Nigerians this Christmas? We’ve seen enough shege abeg.
But over the past few weeks, especially since the candidate of the Labour Party (LP), Peter Obi, released his manifesto, the Obidient movement has accused Atiku of stealing inspiration from their own candidate. The argument of Obi’s supporters is that most of Atiku’s speeches on the campaign trail don’t reflect what’s contained in his own document.
So, what exactly is contained in the candidate’s 115-page manifesto?
Insecurity
The Plan
Massive recruitment into all of Nigeria’s security outfits especially the Nigeria Police so that additional 1,000,000 policemen and women will be added to the existing total of less than 400,000 — in 4 years
Insecurity is one of Nigeria’s most pressing problems. Atiku’s plan to address that is to recruit one million police officers in line with the United Nations’ recommendation. The recommendation states that the ideal ratio should be one police officer to 450 citizens. Statistics agree that Nigeria is severely under policed. However, does the country really need a million new police officers? Let’s do the math:
Nigeria currently has 340,000 police officers in service and an estimated population of 211.4 million citizens. To meet UN standards, we need 470,000 new officers, not a million.
It’s also unclear if Atiku has thought of how he would pay these officers. The cost of weapons, training and welfare also come to mind. For example, if one estimates ₦150,000 a month as the average salary for 500,000 additional police officers, that’s an additional ₦900 billion yearly to a budget heavily financed by debt.
Agriculture
The Plan
Continue to improve the agriculture sector’s access to financial services, through NIRSAL by de-risking lending to the sector by commercial and development banks. The overall goal is to improve the financial capacity of the farmers and other agricultural producers to adopt new technologies and increase their resilience to economic shocks.
Even though Atiku’s plan for agriculture isn’t comprehensive enough on problem-solving, it’s impossible to disagree with him on the need to improve access to finance for farmers.
The Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) has spent over ₦1 trillion in the past seven years. These seven years were used to fill the gaps in food supply with interventions like the Anchors Borrowers Programme. But those gaps have not been filled. Many factors such as the Russian-Ukraine war, the after effects of COVID-19, and even basic things like motorable roads are still against us.
Finance
The Plan
Our primary concern shall be the maintenance of macroeconomic and financial system stability. We shall pursue policies that minimise systemic risk and boost investor confidence. We shall endeavour to bring inflation to the single digits, maintain exchange rate stability and institutionalise fiscal discipline.
Atiku’s answer to inflation is developing the financial sector — banks, pension, insurance and capital markets. But he wasn’t clear enough on how he’ll address the root causes of inflation like soaring food prices, naira depreciation, and overdependence on imports.
Power
The Plan
Government shall create an environment that will enable distribution companies to recover full costs for power supplied to their consumers with a firm commitment to a metering program for all customers. The scourge of electricity theft will be dealt with through a viable partnership between investors in the distribution companies and the government with legislative support for prompt action against electricity theft.
No power system is free of losses. For distribution companies, these losses include metre tampering, false metre readings and unmetred supply. One thing Atiku could have clarified was his plan to remove the commitments of these power losses from firms.
It’s not entirely a new idea, as distribution companies suggested performance improvement plans and loss-reduction targets in 2021. A project like this clearly needs money. But with ₦1.3 trillion electricity intervention fund already down the drain, who will help these firms?
Education
The Plan
Responsibility for funding and control of public primary education shall be transferred to the local governments. Senior secondary and tertiary education, provided through universities, polytechnics, monotechnics, and Colleges of Education (CoEs) will be under the jurisdiction of State governments in the manner that best suits their individual or collective purposes.
On the issue of senior secondary and tertiary education to be given control under the state government, Atiku first mentioned in August 2022 that this was due to the fact the first set of schools were originally under regional government, and the successors are the states.
But one of his aides, Paul Ibe, later covered for him, saying that he instead plans to have a “phased devolution of power.” Something looks fishy.
On December 15, 2022, the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) officially released the new naira banknotes to the Nigerian public. And like the superstars these new notes are, Nigerians feverishly looked forward to receiving them from the ATMs and bank counters. But just like waiting for a superstar Nigerian artiste at a Detty December concert to perform on time, Nigerians ended up disappointed.
Some of the people lucky enough to get these new notes couldn’t get more than ₦2000 at a time. So why exactly are these notes playing hide and seek with us?
Banks don’t have enough of them
CBN governor, Godwin Emefiele, wants to create a cashless economy by encouraging electronic payments, so the bank didn’t print these new notes in large quantities.
As a result, the new notes were rationed between banks, and some are even still waiting to get their quota.
Some ATMs can’t recognise the new notes
You might still get old notes from ATMs because many of them haven’t been reconfigured to recognise the new naira notes. Until this is done, the circulation will remain slow.
Some people want nothing to do with the new banknotes
Some people are scared of change, and we can’t blame them because Buhari promised us change yet look where we are. One of the easiest ways for money to circulate is through everyday transactions. But Nigeria’s informal sector is yet to fully embrace the new notes and some even rejected them on the day they launched.
Meffy has already threatened warned us that the old notes will become outdated from January 31, 2023, but the government needs to solve the problem of circulation first.
You’re thinking of going home to your family for the Christmas holiday. Wait first, there are pros and cons to this. Read on to find out.
Pro: You won’t pay any bills
For a few weeks, you won’t pay light bills or buy fuel or groceries. You’ll have all the freedom to put on all the lights and ACs, and finish all the food. Because it’s not your money that’ll be wasted.
Con: You’ll spend money to get there
Are you seeing the cost of flights now? If you plan to go home, be ready to spend your entire December budget on ticket money.
Pro: Plenty of food
Families like to cook up a feast during Christmas. You’ll get to eat everything you’ll never cook in your house — exotic fried rice, turkey, party jollof, pepper soup, etc.
Con: You may be the one to cook it
You think just because you don’t live with your family anymore, they’ll treat you as a guest when you come? You think they’ll enter the kitchen, and you’ll be in the living room watching TV and pressing phone? Just get ready to cut onions.
Pro: Family drama
It simply isn’t possible for family to be gathered in one place, and there won’t be drama. Even if nothing happens, you’ll hear stories of all the chaotic things different family members have been involved in. That’s how you’ll find out that Uncle Jude recently got a BBL for himself and his side chick.
Con: You’ll be asked a lot of questions
You should already know to expect certain questions. Especially if you’re single. Get ready to be asked about work, your love life, tattoos and piercings, religion, etc.
Pro: You’ll bond with your family
You’ll get to spend quality time with the people you love but haven’t seen in a long time. You’ll get to catch up, laugh, play games, watch movies, and do other fun things together.
Con: They’ll control your outings
You’ll get dressed for a concert at 11 p.m., and your family members will begin to preach to you about going out at such an “ungodly” hour. They’ll talk and nag until they wear you down, and you decide to stay home.
Pro: You can ask for money
All your rich uncles and aunties will be around during the holidays. Bill them. Ask them to pay for your next rent, and maybe, your detty December outings.
Con: You’ll be billed
You’re also someone’s rich relative, and so, you shall be billed accordingly. Your “baby” cousin will remember their phone has spoilt or they want money for Uber to their friend’s house.
I don’t know if I can blame this on adulting, but every year, the festive seasons tend to feel less… well, festive.
Maybe it’s just unachieved goals or sapa-linked frustration, but many people — myself included — have to navigate the not-so-jolly feelings that come with this time of year. I spoke with seven young Nigerians about it.
“My mates earn serious money, but I’m still here” — Tope, 23, Male
I was something of a child genius, so when I graduated university at 19, the general assumption was I’d go on to do great things. It didn’t happen like that. In the middle of a Master’s degree, four years later, I still feel lost career-wise. So approaching the end of the year always reminds me just how much I haven’t achieved. My mates have started earning serious money, but I’m still here. These days, I just focus on thanking God for life. Being alive is also an achievement.
“December reminds me of my late father” — Deborah, 21, Female
I lost my dad in December 2019. Every festive season since then has been emotionally draining, no matter how much I try to snap out of it. I watch people go out and share fun snaps, and I wish I could join in the fun without feeling like I’m betraying my late dad by being happy when I should be thinking of him.
I know this isn’t what my dad would want for me, so this year, I’ve intentionally made plans with some friends to go on a three-day visit to Abuja. Hopefully, this year will be better.
“I’m not even sure why I’m sad” — Chinny, 24, Female
I’ll admit, things are going pretty well in my life, so it’s surprising that the last two Decembers met me extremely sad.
2020 may have been because of the pandemic, and 2021 was likely because it was my first time celebrating Christmas alone. But I don’t understand why I’m currently struggling with mixed feelings and anxiety.
I’ll just focus on one day at a time. If I had money, shebi I’d have used concerts to forget my sorrows.
“It’s cold and lonely here” — Stella, 25, Female
I moved to Canada for my postgraduate degree in 2021 , and man, it gets lonely here when you don’t have any family.
There’s a Nigerian community, but most people are with their families and friends for the holidays. I spent Christmas alone in my cold apartment last year, and it’s looking like I’ll do the same this year. That’s enough to put a damper on whatever holiday spirit they’re sharing outside.
“It’s like I’ve wasted another year” — Bamidele, 25, Male
I’m a 25-year-old guy who still lives with his strict parents because he can’t afford his own place. That’s already enough explanation. I can’t stay too long when I hang out with friends because, according to my dad, I’m still under his roof. So, my social life is basically shot to hell. December reminds me how I’ve wasted yet another year, and how far I still am from achieving financial freedom. I’m trying to think happy thoughts this season, but it’s hard.
“I feel like a failure” — Ogochukwu, 22, Female
I’ve had my fair share of breakfast this year, and it’s depressing to close the year alone. It feels like I’m failing at this love thing. Feeling like a failure when you’re supposed to be looking back at the highlights of your year is crazy. I’m just consoling myself by posting “God, when?” on every couple picture I find online.
“I remember how broke I am” — John, 26, Male
December just reminds me how broke I am. Where’s the money everyone else is using to detty December? I’m so close to 30 and still very far from what I thought my 30s would be. But I have to keep going. It is what it is.
The wheels of justice in Nigeria grinds exceedingly slowly and moves in an uncertain manner that it’s easy to forget important cases. After a period of social media outrage, a case tends to fade away into the shadows where it’s forgotten forever.
But we believe these victims deserve to have their names repeated loudly enough until the system delivers them justice.
Deborah Samuel
On May 12, 2022, Deborah Samuel, a Christian student at Shehu Shagari College of Education, Sokoto, was flogged and burnt to death. Her offense? A mob of Muslim extremists accused her of blasphemy for attributing her academic success to Jesus.
Two years after Uwa Omozuwa, a 22-year-old student of the University of Benin (UNIBEN), was brutally raped and murdered inside a church, her killers haven’t been sentenced.
The Edo State Police Command arrested Nelson Ogbebor, Akato Valentine, Tina Samuel, Mary Ade, Nosa Osabohien and Collins Ulegbe in connection to her death. However, it’s been nothing but a flurry of court cases and adjournments that seem to lead to nowhere.
Oluwabamise Ayanwola
Ayanwola went missing while returning to Ota from Ajah on February 26, 2022. She had boarded a BRT bus heading to Oshodi. This was before she realised something was off about the driver keeping the bus dark and only admitting four other passengers. She sent WhatsApp voice notes revealing her concerns to her friend. That was the last anyone heard from her until her corpse was discovered a week later.
Months after Ayanwola’s death, the case is still dragging in court. Her suspected killer is the driver of the bus, Andrew Ominikoron, who has pled not guilty to the charges. His court trial continues on January 23, 2023.
Andrew Ominikoron
Their cases may have stopped being the hottest topics in the news, but the least these young women deserve is justice. What’s the Nigerian judicial system waiting for?
It’s the time of year when offices everywhere are planning end-of-year parties. Sure, it’s great to eat owambe rice at your employer’s expense, but is one plate of rice and two meat enough to cover all the stress they’ve put you through all year?
No, it’s not. And that’s why we need these things to start happening at these parties.
Games with actual rewards
And not every time power banks as competition gifts. What about letting the winner get more leave days or be CEO for a day?
Games that’ll help you let out your frustration
If you’ve been itching to slap the coworker who stresses you out the most, just play after-round-one with them.
Roast sessions
So you can ✨respectfully ✨ shade the coworkers you’ve been passive-aggressive with all year.
Slideshow of everyone’s browser history
I can bet there’d be so many “How to make money without working” search results.
Or Slack messages
Let HR read everyone’s Slack DMs out loud. A fight may break out, but at least, it’d be entertaining.
Salary exchange
Instead of secret Santa gift exchanges, allow people to exchange salaries for a month. Preferably with the CEO.
Talent shows
Maybe we can discover our real talents and escape modern-day slavery capitalism.
Just share money
Or — hear me out — just cancel the work party and give everyone bonuses instead. I promise you, everyone will agree.
Who doesn’t love that tension between the characters who are always fighting yet on the verge of realising they love each other? Nothing screams romance like a good enemies-to-lovers story, especially in K-dramas. We asked Nigerians what their favourite ones are, and here’s what they had to say.
Praise Edrah
I love Wang So and Hae Soo from Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo. They had such a wonderful love story, and I loved witnessing their growth. I particularly enjoyed how they helped each other become the best version of themselves.
I don’t think I’ve watched a lot of K-dramas with the enemies-to-lovers trope. Maybe I’m just too focused on the part where they fall in love to remember. But, my favourite would be Hometown Cha Cha Cha, which also happens to be my favourite K-drama of all time. Hye-jin and Du-sik weren’t exactly enemies at the beginning, but they didn’t really get along because they had very different outlooks on life. But as they spent more time with each other, they became genuine friends. There was so much depth in their conversations, all the tiny gestures of love were present. both Kim Seon Ho and Shin Min Ah did a stellar job with their roles. And it wasn’t just focused on them as the main leads, it was a story about everyone in the town, the side characters gave the series so much depth. Really, I could talk about why Hometown Cha Cha Cha is the best k-drama ever made, all day.
Also Gaus Electronics, which I just finished watching. It’s a workplace drama and these characters were actually proper enemies oh. I started watching it because I saw a tweet that said it was really funny, and truly it is. I’m yet to watch the last two episodes, but it’s already one of my favourite k-dramas. I love Kwak Dong Yeon. If you saw him in Vincenzo, you do too. It’s very typical enemies-to-lovers stuff — fake girlfriend, fake relationship, and before you know, it all becomes real. The part where Baek Ma Tan got up from his father’s house just to go and experience poverty is something else.
Rane
My favourites are Hometown Cha Cha Cha, Her Private Life, Scarlet Heart Ryeo and Touch Your Heart. Hometown leads went from always fighting to “I’ve lived 34 years without you, but each day seems to last forever since I’ve met you”. Every single character had depth, and they all loved each other, weirdly. I liked Her Private Life because it was giving office romance. She fell in love with the boss she hated, and everything else was just funny and lightweight. Scarlet Heart was great. Historical dramas always have umph.
Kokai
In no particular order: Alchemy of Souls — Mu Deok-i and Jang Uk were using each other when they fell in love; Shooting Stars — the superstar male lead picked on the female lead who accidentally sent a PR letter about his dick size. I love a great “funny with a nice ending” enemies-to-lovers story.
Zaynab
My favourite enemies-to-lovers K-drama is Our Beloved Summer. In most K-dramas the male lead always bullies the female lead until they end up liking each other, but that’s not the case here. Choi Ung was kind and gentle to Yeon Su even after she broke up with him in a horrible manner. The cinematography was beautiful, and the female lead was a strong character.
Athena
I’m a sucker for comedy and rom-coms, but good ones only occur when the actors have chemistry. I want to see the hate, jealousy, sadness or misunderstanding in your eyes, and I want to see it slowly change to love. My favourite of them all is Semantic Error. Chu Sangwoo and Jang Jaeyoung’s height difference? It was too cute. They made me wish I was one of the characters.
They were so sweet and fluffy that I almost had diabetes.
Christmas is ten days away, but it doesn’t feel that way to you because you haven’t started preparing yet. Lucky for you, we have a checklist of what to do to bring Christmas cheer into your life.
Delete your work messaging apps
Get work off your mind by deleting your email and every other work messaging app your office uses — Slack, Microsoft Teams, Google Chat, etc. Block your colleagues, too, in case they try to text you anything work-related. This is the first step to getting into the holiday mood.
Visit that Zenith Bank roundabout
Image credit: Punch Ng
Visit the beautifully decorated Zenith Bank roundabout or any public place with over-the-top Christmas decorations. Come down from the car and enter if you can. If anybody tries to stop you, fight them.
Listen to Christmas carols
Play different Christmas carols out loud every chance you get. And sing along as loud as possible, to annoy everyone around you. You’ll soon begin to feel Christmasy.
Go and buy your Christmas cloth
Maybe if you buy the outfit(s) you want to wear this holiday, you’ll start to anticipate wearing them, and that will get you excited for the holidays.
Decorate your house
A tiny Christmas tree, Christmas lights and small ornaments around the house may be just what you need to get into the spirit of the holiday. If you don’t have money to buy even those, steal from your neighbour.
Visit family
Laughing, gisting, eating and generally spending time with family or friends during Christmas has a way of making you forget everything else but the holidays. If you’re alone, it would be much harder to get into the festive mood.
Attend a children’s Christmas play
Image credit: Greensprings school
Something about seeing little kids act out the nativity story just puts everyone in the Chritsmas mood. Maybe it’s the childish costumes, their babyish voices singing carols or amateur acting on stage. It’s so cute.
Watch cheesy Christmas movies
If nothing else gets you in the mood, I promise you, a cliché Christmas movie would do the trick. Especially the ones where a rich girl has to go back to her small hometown and falls in love with some poor guy right before Christmas.
Go out and detty December
Go for concerts, parties, brunches, game nights, etc. All you need is one lit event, and you’ll begin enjoying the holiday. Remember that outside is expensive sha.
Lynda* 22, struggles with perfectionist tendencies. She talks about recognising how her high expectations negatively affect her life and relationships, and how her fear of admitting her imperfection prevents her from seeking professional help.
This is Lynda’s story, as told to Boluwatife
Image Source: Pexels
On paper, I’m the perfect employee. I easily tick off most job requirement boxes. “Keen attention to details”? Check. “Able to take ownership at all times”? Double check. Everyone wants the diligent “perfectionist” on their team, but perfectionism is ruining my life.
No, I don’t have a professional diagnosis yet, but every psychological book and resource I’ve read points to me as the poster child of this “condition”. Is it too perfectionist of me to say I don’t need a therapist to tell me something I already know I have?
I should start by saying I’ve also been an introvert for as long as I can remember, and I think this is related to my desire for perfection. For someone born to two extroverts, I wonder if my tendency to stay on my lane results from a lifetime of trying to keep up with parents who always needed to be out there. I’m an only child, and it always felt like the burden rested on me to strike a balance between my usually loud parents.
I don’t know which came first — introversion or perfectionism, but from my primary school days, I remember staying back in my classroom, while my mates went crazy on the swings, to arrange notes or just sit quietly to avoid staining my white socks. Teachers loved me and even encouraged others to be as put together as I was.
But now that I’m older, I struggle to even like myself. I just have to be in control of everything. Trusting others to do something as well as I’d do it is extremely difficult. I overthink and hardly ask for help, even when it’s completely legitimate. I work in HR, but my workplace is a startup, which means duties overlap a lot and there’s no clear role distinction, especially for me. TBH, I’m the main cause of this situation. Let me explain.
Recently, our content marketing executive resigned, and I was tasked with recruiting to fill up the role. I was meant to interview candidates with the soon-to-be-ex executive and just submit the names to our boss. I ended up also making the exiting employee hand over and explain all his duties and processes to me so I could provide answers to the new employee if he had questions. I even recorded the hand-over sessions and created spreadsheets to document the entire content process. This took three weeks.
My health suffered because I hardly slept during that period. I’d rather throw sleep away than let my work suffer, so my work rate was still impeccable. I was a star employee to my bosses, but my teammates just think I’m an oversabi — which I totally am. I’m almost always burned out at work. It’s not that I like work. I’m just allergic to mistakes.
I can confidently say I remember almost every mistake I’ve ever made. For perfectionists, making mistakes isn’t a “normal human experience”. It’s a sin worse than eating eba with a fork. My brain never lets me forget exactly how I messed up. It doesn’t matter that it’s something that may have been beyond my control. My perfect self should just have known better.
My relationships? If there were a level lower than being in the streets, I’d be there. When I want to make myself feel better about the sorry state of my relationships, I blame introversion. But even I know when I’m simply lying to myself.
I have just a handful of slightly close friends — exactly four of them. And the fact that they’ve stayed around for more than two years is nothing short of a miracle and sheer will on their part. I’m a pain to be around. Remember when I said my brain constantly judges me when I make a mistake? Well, that’s how I judge the people around me too.
I’m the worst person to discuss boy-girl relationship problems with because I’ll call out what I perceive to be weaknesses or mistakes. I remember a friend I almost made in 2019, my final year in university. We were classmates but never had any reason to be close. Not surprising because I hardly talked to people, but I knew she wanted to be my friend. People tend to want to befriend the class efiko.
We got paired, along with other students, for a group assignment, and we somehow hit it off. Well, until she complained to me about her boyfriend withdrawing her money with her ATM card. I didn’t hold back and told her in clear terms she’d made a silly mistake letting him know her pin in the first place. How could she trust a boyfriend with that? I forced her to call him, and I gave him a good talking to, even threatened to call the police. They eventually settled, and I stopped talking to her. Obviously, she had bad judgment, and I couldn’t handle that.
I have certain expectations of my relationships with friends and family. How they should understand my thoughts, the right words I want to hear at certain times and other annoying rubbish like that. When they do things contrary to what I expect, my mind goes, “How do you not know this is the right thing to do?” at the same time that a little voice tells me, “They’re not wizards for Chrissakes!”
I try to be reasonable — even when my head tells me my way of doing things is the most reasonable way — and other times, I judge and react. I don’t want to be a horrible person, but most times, I just can’t help it.
I’ve been in three relationships since I turned 20, and though two ended due to cheating, and the last, when he japa without telling me, 90% of the fights within the relationships were linked to them not meeting my expectations, spoken or not. After every fight, I’d lock up until they gave in and apologised or agreed with my points. I just had to be right.
I recently confided in one of my four friends about my struggles with perfection. She believes that since I recognise just how much perfectionism harms me, I’m already on the path to becoming better, but I struggle to believe her.
Is your personality something you can just turn on and off at will? I may gather the courage to visit a therapist soon. I’ve not done so yet because having a professional confirm I’m flawed and not the perfect person I think I am is a scary prospect. I may damn the consequences one day. But before then, I have to figure out how to take every day one at a time and try not to push people out of my life each day.
*Subject’s name has been changed to protect her identity.
Between the fuel scarcity and Bolt charging us the price of an organ for a ride, transportation costs have increased. What do you mean by VI to Lekki Phase 1 is ₦3k? If you’re not careful, you’ll spend your entire Detty December budget on transportation alone.
Here are eight other ways to move around.
Collect broom from the association of witches
For years and years, witches have had their own mode of transportation, and it has been working for them. They jejely use their brooms to fly and get to places. This December, find a witch and ask if they have an extra broom you can borrow. Not sure how much it costs to maintain a witch’s broom sha.
Choose ferries
There are quite a few ferry terminals in Lagos. Ferries are cheaper and faster because they avoid all the nonsense Lagos traffic. The only thing is they only operate at specific hours and locations with water access.
Beg Otedola for his private jet
Or any celebrity with a private jet. Ask to follow them when they’re going out, and maybe they’ll drop you off somewhere close to your destination. You’ll just have to use a parachute to get down.
Order a dispatch bike and be the package
Imagine paying ₦2k from Ajah to Ikoyi. You can only get that price when you use a dispatch service. This December, find a dispatch service and order a ride to your destination. When the rider arrives, tell them you’re the package, and they need to find somewhere to squeeze you.
Carpool
If your friend owns a car, find a way to carpool as much as possible. Even if they can’t drop you at your exact location, they’ll sha drop you somewhere close.
Ask an IJGB to pay
These people earn in foreign currency. ₦10k on Uber won’t affect their bank accounts. Spend their money!
Take danfo buses
People don’t like danfos for many reasons. But the truth is, they’re cheap. Is there a chance your outfit will be ruined on the bus? Yes. Will heat almost kill you from all the people squeezed into the bus? Yes. But you’ll only spend a fraction of the average December cab fares.
Stay at home
At the end of the day, your best bet is to do your detty December at home. Choose peace and a full bank account this holiday.
It’s December, and there’s money to be made. Become a sinzu money yourself by starting a business around one of these ideas.
Sell bangers
How will people in the neighbourhood know December has arrived if they don’t hear the sound of bangers? It’s banger month once again. If you can supply neighbourhoods with bangers, you’d make some of the December funds you need.
Sell Christmas caps
If the violence of bangers is too much for you to handle, you can start selling Christmas caps and balloons on the side to complement it.
Become a Father Christmas
Offer yourself as a Father Christmas at a bunch of schools, and you’ll find yourself with a booming business. All you need to do is dance leg work in your costume to impress the kids.
Become a Bolt driver
Lagos traffic will deal with people this December, but you’ll eat good if you start your career as a Bolt driver for the month. Drive people to their December hangout locations and fake sympathy for them when you run into traffic, even though you know what it means for your pocket.
Resell concert tickets
Even though people are screaming that concert tickets are expensive, we all know they’ll still pay. Buy all the tickets now and start selling them to people at higher prices. If you don’t know how to start, here’s a guide.
Sell chicken
Christmas chicken is still all the rave for some people, so you can start your own cashout by raising and selling the. Carpe diem.
Boyfriend/girlfriend-for-hire
Nobody wants to be alone during the Christmas holiday, especially not for crossover night, and that’s your business opportunity. The only problem is you can’t be in many places at once.
It’s okay to brag about achievements, money, outfits, skills, etc. But there are some things you shouldn’t brag about because it’s not the flex you think it is.
Here are 11 things people brag about that they shouldn’t.
They’re blunt
People will insult you and say, “I’m just blunt”. Uh no. You’re rude and disrespectful; there’s a difference. Another way they put it is, “I have no filter.” Girl, please.
How toxic they are
“I can be very toxic. I meet people and ghost them…” Why are you bragging about your bad personality trait, please? You need to get therapy.
Students failing your class
Everyone had at least one of these teachers in their university. They’d brag about how hard their class is and how people hardly ever pass, and they’d be so proud. Sir, if people are always failing your class, doesn’t that mean you’re a bad teacher? You should be fired.
How crazy they can be
Nigerians always like to brag about how crazy they are or can be. “Don’t try me. I’m a mad person”. I understand Nigeria is a mad place, and you need to have small madness to survive here. But must you brag about it?
How much they’ve suffered
You complain that you’re going through something, and this person feels the need to tell you they’ve been through worse. They always have stories of how much they’ve suffered. Nobody has suffered more than them in this life.
I’m a flirt
Okay, thanks for telling me not to date you.
Not caring what others think
It’s good to not live your life based on the opinions of others. But if you constantly have to tell people you don’t care what other people think, you lowkey do care.
How much they can drink
The fact that you can drink a lot of alcohol and not get drunk isn’t a flex. You’re destroying your liver. Fix up.
How hard they work
“I work for 22 hours straight and only get one hour of sleep.” This isn’t healthy in any way. It can lead to illness or even death. And when you die from exhaustion, everyone and everything will move on. Please, rest, dear.
How nice they are
If you have to mention it, it’s not true.
How they turned out just fine despite their toxic experiences
“My father used to beat me and lock me in the closet without food and water for days. But I turned out fine.” First of all, abuse is definitely not something to brag about. Secondly, no, you didn’t turn out just fine. You have lot of psychological issues, you just don’t know it yet.
On December 7, 2022, Reuters opened a new can of worms about the Nigerian Army — the mass abortion programme for victims of Boko Haram.
With the testimony of 33 victims, five health workers and nine security personnel alongside military documents as evidence, there’s a record that the military has managed to abort 10,000 pregnancies among women and girls since 2013.
Investigators found that most of the abortions were conducted without the women’s consent or even their prior knowledge. Some of them got abortion-inducing pills or injections that were supposedly medications to boost their health or combat diseases.
How did the Nigerian Army react?
As usual, the Nigerian Army didn’t own up to the act and blatantly denied the accusation. The military defense chief, General Lucky Irabor, even mentioned that he’ll “not waste his energy on such things.”
Sadly, this isn’t the first time the military would be accused of heinous crimes. We’ve made a sad list of the various sins of the Nigerian Army since the end of the last military government in 1999.
The unlawful detention and torture of 10,000 people
Amnesty Internationalreported that at least 10,000 victims — many of them children — died in military detention and thousands more were arrested from 2009 to 2020 in the Nigerian Army’s fight against terrorists. This mostly happened due to the massive displacement of people who escaped from jihadist groups like Boko Haram and the Islamic State West African Province (ISWAP).
Another Amnesty Internationalreport indicted the Nigerian Army of the maltreatment of female victims of the jihadists from 2016 to 2018. Soldiers subjected the women to a horrible trade by barter system — sex or rape for food and other basic amenities.
Destruction of villages during raids
In January 2020, the Nigerian Army displaced over 400 people by burning their villages in their search for Boko Haram insurgents in Borno State. This forced many villagers into Internally Displaced Camps (IDP).
This destructive behaviour isn’t limited to the North. When rioters killed a military commander during a peacekeeping mission in Cross River State in 2022, soldiers retaliated by burning down houses in the community. Their attack caused the death of 10 villagers.
A history of massacres
The Nigerian Army is regularly involved in the killings and massacres of Nigerians that it’s become a trademark. Here are some of the most gruesome we’ve seen so far:
Odi massacre, 1999
On November 20, 1999, the Nigerian military invaded and killed hundreds of civilians in Odi town in Bayelsa State. President Olusegun Obasanjo reportedly ordered the attack in response to the killing of 12 policemen and an ambush of soldiers by a militia that used Odi as its cover.
Baga massacre, 2013
On April 16, 2013, 200 civilians were killed and over 2,000 houses were destroyed in Baga, Borno State. The military blamed Boko Haram insurgents for the massacre. However, Baga residents said angry soldiers raided the town in retaliation for the killing of their colleague.
Zaria massacre, 2015
On December 12, 2015, the Nigerian Army killed hundreds of Shia Muslims who were members of the Islamic Movement in Nigeria (IMN). The military accused the sect of blocking the path of the then chief of army staff, Lieutenant General Tukur Buratai.
More than 300 IMN members died during the military’s crackdown. Soldiers tried to cover up the massacre by burying the bodies in shallow graves. The commanding officer in charge of the operation, Adeniyi Oyebade, and other senior army officers faced a judicial panel’s indictment in 2016.
Rann bombing, 2017
On January 17, 2017, a Nigerian Air Force (NAF) jet bombed an IDP camp near the Cameroonian border in Rann, Borno State. 115 people, including six Red Cross aid workers, died and more than 100 people were injured.
Irabor, who ordered the airstrike, called the bombing a “disturbing mistake.” He said he’d ordered the strike on the location due to intel that Boko Haram militants were gathering there. President Buhari’s spokesperson also called it a “regrettable operational mistake.”
According to the Igbo Civil Society Coalition (ICSO), the Nigerian Army killed more than 180 people and injured more than 200 others in the Army’s “Operation Python Dance 2” in 2017.
The Lekki Toll Gate massacre, 2020
On the night of October 20, 2020, members of the Nigerian Army attacked unarmed EndSARS protesters at the Lekki Toll Gate in Lagos.
As usual, the Nigerian Army first denied the shooting, and even called viral video evidence “photoshopped”. But officials later admitted to a judicial panel that soldiers deployed to the toll gate had live and blank bullets. Despite the panel’s conclusion that soldiers killed at least 11 protesters, the Nigerian Army refused to take responsibility.
Nigerian singing sensation and producer, CKay, has made musical history as the first-ever African artist to feature in the top 100 Billboard Artist year-end chart, a milestone that underpins Afrobeat’s meteoric rise and shakeup of the global music scene.
By Seth Onyango, Bird story agency
The popular musician came in at number 98 on Billboard’s best-selling artist in USA 2022 with his addictive hit single, Love Nwantiti (Ah Ah Ah), clocking in at number 17 on Billboard Global 200 songs and the Hot 100 chart at number 55.
2022 has been another stellar year for African music and the success is likely to continue through 2023, with Nigerian artist, Burna Boy, set for a history-making concert at London Stadium on June 3, the first African artist to headline a UK stadium, according to Rolling Stone.
On April 2, CKay’s Love Nwantiti, which first debuted in 2019 and went viral with a string of international remixes on TikTok, topped the inaugural Billboard U.S. Afrobeats Songs Chart. It has surpassed 1 billion streams on Spotify and is also one of the year’s most Shazammed songs.
Tems, Wizkid and Fireboy DML also made appearances on the Billboard 100 with their hits Wait For U, Essence remix and Peru. Tems co-wrote Lift Me Up with superstar, Rihanna, a track featured in the recently premiered Black Panther 2: Wakanda Forever. Rema’s remix, Calm Down featuring Selena Gomez, also appeared on the global 200 at number 124, with Burna Boy’s Last Last featuring on the global 200 at number 156.
Trends show that African music, not just from Nigeria, the biggest export market, but also from South Africa, the Democratic Republic of Congo and Tanzania, is making waves globally. It is no longer surprising to hear the track Jerusalema, from South Africa’s Master KG, on European or American radio, or for Afro tunes to feature on celebrity social media posts, or for African artists to appear on highly-rated American talk shows.
African musicians are also coming into money. Burna Boy (AKA the African giant) filled New York City’s Madison Square Garden to capacity, becoming the first African artist to sell out the famed Garden of Eden, performing in front of over 20k people.
International music stars are also collaborating more with African musicians. Although this is not new, it is only in recent years that these collaborations have gone mainstream. This year alone, Rema featured Selena Gomez (Calm Down), Burna Boy teamed up with Ed Sheeran (For My Hand), and Future featured Tems and Drake on Wait For U.
Over the past decade, the continent’s music landscape has changed dramatically, with new fusions blended into existing genres to create a magical cocktail, birthing superstars like Fally Pupa, DJ Maphorisa and more. These artists and others have also become some of Africa’s most-cherished brand ambassadors. With more African musicians collaborating on songs across the continent, music is fast becoming more than entertainment.
According to United Nations Education, Science and Cultural Organisation (UNESCO), music fosters what African politics has struggled to achieve – unity. African music is also increasingly seen in totality rather than in isolated artists or styles. Billboard, the US publication that monitors reviews, events and styles related to the music industry, perhaps acknowledged it best:
“Over the past couple of years, Africa has exploded as a major player on the global music scene. From U.S. labels scooping up breakout African artists such as Burna Boy, Tiwa Savage, and Davido to the ascendancy of African streaming platform Boomplay and the inroads of majors Universal, Sony, and Warner Bros. on the continent, the stage is set for a lucrative new future for African music,” reads its latest review of Africa’s music scene.
As the continent’s music scene explodes (along with its population and economy), African musicians are grossing millions from world charts and securing major deals with international recording labels. Big royalties from various entertainment media like Skiza, YouTube, Boomplay and Spotify are at the heart of this movement.
Artists are now more aware of the gaps in the industry and the needs of their fans, with coveted honours like the All Africa Music Awards, BET and Grammys putting African artists in the spotlight. Legendary musical names are also not fading; Salif Keita, Yousour N’dor, Fatoumata Diawara and Anjelique Kidjo are still drawing large numbers, partly due to the exposure but also the timelessness of their music. Even “fallen” maestros like Manu Dibango, Lucky Dube, Franco Rocherau and Kanda Bongo Man are still in the groove posthumously.
It’s the end of the year, and while some of us are trying to figure out how to detty December on a mechanic’s budget, 9-5ers are experiencing a different kind of hell.
Don’t get me wrong. The average 9-5er looks forward to the holidays — just imagining meeting-free days and festive hampers can make one go weak in the knees — but most also agree December is the most scattered month of the year.
I spoke with Yetunde Dada, a business consultant at a human resources consulting and recruitment firm in Lagos, and she gave me the lowdown on why the season isn’t so jolly for 9-5ers.
The work never really stops
You’d think the year ending means work will reduce and everyone can coast into the new year. Heck no. If anything, work seems to have doubled because bosses want to end the year with a “big bang”. Whatever that means.
But many people start closing mentally
If you think about it, maybe it’s just the Detty December state of mind that makes it seem like the work has increased. Imagine putting Christmas funds calculations and work in the same head.
“We’ll revisit this next year”
This suddenly becomes everyone’s motto. Faulty water dispenser at the office? “We’ll revisit it next year.” We need to settle the contracts for the new hires? “Oh, next year!”
You begin to wonder who’ll do all the work we pushed to next year.
Gift planning is the ghetto
Of course, you have to send gifts to the clients who worked with you throughout the year, and deciding on what gift to give will take approximately 50 wasted meeting hours. Add that to the regular work you’re still expected to do.
End-of-year parties nko?
Don’t get me started on the parties and “team bonding” sessions. Sure, it’s great to eat and enjoy your life at your employer’s expense, but God help you if you’re part of the planning committee. By the time you use three meetings to decide on the party’s theme, you’ll be tempted to punch something. Or someone.
Closing out for the year… or not
Most offices do this thing where they close for the year but only close the office. You can be cooking Christmas rice when you’re suddenly called into a meeting. Anything for the client, right?
It’s too damn brief
After all the wahala, you only get like one week of sanity before the madness starts again. Is it really worth it?
January poverty
Most importantly, everyone tries to ignore the fact that their salary might not smell January, and January has two million days. Because if you think about it, you’d just cry.
