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Imagine him chasing a criminal and running into traffic on Third Mainland Bridge.
Police will arrest him too many times
A young man driving a sports car that no one has ever seen? Wearing all black? WITH A MASK? The police will be over the moon.
Too many copycats
Nigerians love copying things that work or look cool. Just look at how many cook-a-thons have happened in the past few months because of Hilda Baci. There’d probably be a Batman in every local government.
He might switch careers to become a sugar daddy
If he can’t help people by delivering criminals to the police who might free them later, he might as well just spend his money on Lagos baddies. The ultimate glucose guardian.
Agberos will probably beat him up
What’s going to happen when Batman is forced to face agberos in Mushin? Even the Batmobile and Alfred wouldn’t be able to save him.
He’ll have japa plans too
Nigerians will frustrate him so much, he’ll start making plans to continue his vigilante career in another country.
But the Nigerian Customs will stress him
We all know what’s going to happen when he shows up at the passport office in his costume. Billing HQ.
You can’t be a Nigerian and have only six senses; you’ll see shege. Here are some superhuman instincts we’ve all had to develop by force.
Detecting an ATM that’ll swallow your card
Inserting your card in any random ATM is an extreme sport because it may very well be the last time you’ll see it. So knowing when an ATM is about to act funny is an instinct you must develop as a Nigerian.
Anticipating mad people while driving
You’re most likely mad, so while driving on Nigerian roads, it’s only natural to expect that you’re with fellow mad people. You’re just one gbas-gbos away from cussing out someone’s mother on a good Friday morning.
Spotting sweet cherry
Haters will say there’s no such thing as sweet cherry. But hardcore Nigerians know they lie. There’s a way the cherry will look at you and you’ll know it can’t wait to be enjoyed.
Safeguarding your phone in public
You’ll be walking down the streets of Idumota market looking normal, but deep down, you’re holding on to your phone like your life depends on it.
And your privates
For men, stolen penises are a big worry, especially in public places. To protect your privates from being stolen in broad daylight, you learn to walk a certain way, so you can always sense its presence in the right place.
Knowing who you can and cannot change it for
In Nigeria, having sense is everything. That’s why the question, “Do you know who I am?” is important. It may be all that stands between you and the beating of a lifetime.
Calculating electricity
If you’ve been in Nigeria long enough, you’ll know too much electricity is a bad omen. Imagine having electricity for 16 hours a day on a regular basis. You have to start calculating what to do with it because you know, once it goes off, you won’t see it again for a while.
It’s crazy the amount of rich history we have as Nigerians, and just doing a little bit of research recently about Nigerian gods and legends, these kickass deities could eat up any of your Marvel or DC faves in a full-on fight scene.
Let me introduce you to the real superheroes:
Sango
Image: Komotion Studios
We all know how the last Thor movie was divisive AF! Some people hated that Thor had moved from powerful god to a comedian at Night of a Thousand Laughs, while others welcomed the less serious direction the franchise took. My solution? Marvel needs to kill the Thor idea completely and make a film about Sango.
Just like Thor, Sango is also a god of thunder and lightning. He was a Yoruba king who ascended to god status after seeking powers to destroy his enemies. While there’s already a 1997 Sango film, I’m down to see a new take on this iconic figure.
Ogun
Image: J.P Targete
Ogun is the very popular god of iron and war. He is known for his creativity, destructive nature and quick temper, which often gets him misunderstood. Am I the only one who sees a lot of similarities between Ogun and a famous fictional billionaire tech guru who also had a thing for iron?
An action thriller that details Ogun’s role as the reclusive and brooding god who invents a lot of cool stuff would slap harder than firewood Jollof.
Agwu Nsi
Image: Sirius Ugo
Agwu Nsi is the god of divination, poets, healing and — wait for it — divine madness. Considering we’re currently exploring the Multiverse of Madness, Agwu Nsi fits into phase four of Marvel. Imagine a superhero based on this god that can make people mad at will or, better still, turn his enemies into romantic poets. Sign me up!
Oya is the goddess who controls the weather. She can control lightning, tornadoes, storms, and even earthquakes with her powers. Another power she has outside of her weather abilities is the ability to talk to the dead, or make them come alive if she feels they have unfinished business on earth.
Who is Storm from X-Men again? I don’t know her because Oya is definitely eating up the other girlies up in the weather department.
Amadioha
Image: PenInsane
You can’t be Nigerian and claim not to have heard Amadioha’s name; honestly, it’s Nollywood‘s fault. Just like Sango, Amadioha is the Igbo god of thunder and lightning. He is also the god of justice, and that’s why people tend to say, “May Amadioha strike whoever did this shit dead.”
Fun fact, while most gods have powerful symbols and weapons like Sango, who uses an axe, Amadioha’s symbol is a white ram. Yes, a white ram. So the next time you see a white ram, think twice before doing something bad.
Aja
Image: Faomà Fatunmbi
Aja is first and foremost the goddess of healing who resides deep in the forest — not sure which forest, to be honest. Outside of being able to heal people at the snap of her fingers, Aja has this cool power of being able to shapeshift into any animal she chooses. Imagine fighting a superhero like that? One minute you’re fighting what looks like a woman, and the next thing, you’re wrestling an elephant. Omo!
Nigerian witches
Not sure how effective this bunch are, considering that Nigeria is sinking and they haven’t made a move to save it. But from those who Nigerian covens have afflicted at some point, the pain they inflict do usually result in hot tears.
If we can watch Harry Potterand his gang go back to Hogwarts year after year, despite the fact that Voldemort always manages to attack them, then why can’t we have a badass film about Nigerian witches kicking ass and causing chaos?
Have you ever wondered why there are no superheroes in Nigeria? With no fuel, no light, and the pressure to marry, how will they succeed? Here are 20 reasons superheroes cannot survive in Nigeria:
