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Nigerian problems | Zikoko!
  • 7 Superhuman Instincts Nigeria Forced You to Develop

    You can’t be a Nigerian and have only six senses; you’ll see shege. Here are some superhuman instincts we’ve all had to develop by force.

    Detecting an ATM that’ll swallow your card

    Inserting your card in any random ATM is an extreme sport because it may very well be the last time you’ll see it. So knowing when an ATM is about to act funny is an instinct you must develop as a Nigerian.

    Anticipating mad people while driving

    You’re most likely mad, so while driving on Nigerian roads, it’s only natural to expect that you’re with fellow mad people. You’re just one gbas-gbos away from cussing out someone’s mother on a good Friday morning.

    Spotting sweet cherry

    Haters will say there’s no such thing as sweet cherry. But hardcore Nigerians know they lie. There’s a way the cherry will look at you and you’ll know it can’t wait to be enjoyed.

    Safeguarding your phone in public

    You’ll be walking down the streets of Idumota market looking normal, but deep down, you’re holding on to your phone like your life depends on it.

    And your privates

    For men, stolen penises are a big worry, especially in public places. To protect your privates from being stolen in broad daylight, you learn to walk a certain way, so you can always sense its presence in the right place.

    Knowing who you can and cannot change it for

    In Nigeria, having sense is everything. That’s why the question, “Do you know who I am?” is important. It may be all that stands between you and the beating of a lifetime. 

    Calculating electricity

    If you’ve been in Nigeria long enough, you’ll know too much electricity is a bad omen. Imagine having electricity for 16 hours a day on a regular basis. You have to start calculating what to do with it because you know, once it goes off, you won’t see it again for a while.


    NEXT READ: 10 Superpowers Every Nigerian Parent Has


  • QUIZ: What Was Your Biggest Headache This Month?

    It’s the first month of 2023, and everybody’s stressed out already. Take this quiz, and we’ll guess what showed you the most pepper last month.

    Starting tomorrow (January 31st, 2023)
  • What if Nigeria Had New Year’s Resolutions for 2023?

    Nigeria made a resolution to show us pepper last year, and it did. From inflation to Snapchat-filtered naira notes, you’d think it’s done enough. But, what if it has New Year’s resolutions for 2023 too? 

    Be more wicked

    The point is to improve every year. For Nigeria, this means dishing out even more shege.

    Kick Buhari out

    You’d think the eight years of shege Nigeria has seen would make it choose a better leader this time. But Nigeria has really poor taste in leaders, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

    Spend money it doesn’t have

    It’s a new year for Nigeria to live bougie while earning mechanic money. You’re asking Nigeria to live within its means? You must be a clown. Doesn’t matter that its yearly budget can’t survive without borrow-borrow. Nigeria must ball.

    Stop fighting Ghana

    Lowkey, Nigeria knows the rivalry should have ended at Jollof rice. Because why are we arguing with a boring copycat. It doesn’t matter now anyway. They’re both broke, and brokies don’t beef each other. More love, less ego.

    Buy fuel

    This one is a constant. It doesn’t matter that Nigeria has fuel at home. It will still hustle for fuel from other places and pay big money for it.

    Stop taking Burna Boy’s insults

    Maybe Nigeria would finally end this toxic relationship with Nigerian artists and ask them to do better. But we can only hope.

    Win AFCON

    Nigeria already missed the World Cup. Unless it wants to be an olodo by all means, it needs to win AFCON to avoid back-to-back embarrassment.

    Start a reality TV show

    Too much wild stuff happens in Nigeria’s everyday life for it to not be televised. It’s about time. You can tell “Keeping Up With Nigeria” will be an instant hit.


    NEXT READ: 8 Signs You’ve Already Failed Your New Year’s Resolutions


  • 20 Reasons Superheroes Cannot Survive In Nigeria

    Have you ever wondered why there are no superheroes in Nigeria? With no fuel, no light, and the pressure to marry,  how will they succeed? Here are 20 reasons superheroes cannot survive in Nigeria:

    1. Batman may get stranded.

    https://twitter.com/chuuzzy/status/717283318375559170

    2. No light to charge Iron man’s suit too.

    https://twitter.com/Punthief/status/717294668313182208

    3. Nigerian’s will have many problems with Wonder Woman.

    4. And will probably shame her for being a female superhero.

    5. And call her Ashawo.

    6. Thor’s hammer would’ve gone missing.

    7. Because the only Nigerians that can fly are witches and wizards…

    https://twitter.com/H_L_MA/status/717294610234667008

    8. Keep me anon Twitter would’ve have sent SubDeliveryMan a few DMs.

    https://twitter.com/chuuzzy/status/717304949114331136

    9. They wouldn’t have capes because Nigerian tailors are just disappointing.

    10. Lagos traffic won’t let Batman be great.

    11. Who wants to wear cape in this heat?

    https://twitter.com/Tumiwiththewave/status/717289393107693568

    12. Nigerians can even call them oversabi people.

    13. Batman will probably be too busy fighting his uncles over his father’s property.

    14. The Incredible Hulk would’ve faced wahala with this mum.

    https://twitter.com/chuuzzy/status/717295074384678912

    15. Because someone can’t even take a little nap during morning devotion.

    https://twitter.com/chuuzzy/status/717297553969164288

    16. The flash would be that really fast Gala and La casera guy in traffic.

    17. Spider man won’t be able to fight crime on the mainland.

    https://twitter.com/iamHighDee/status/717292368412676096

    18. Antman may die prematurely….

    19. Will Aquaman takeover dominion of the seas from the mammywater just like that?

    https://twitter.com/pee_jayisang/status/717290038292299776

    20. What is an Iron man without light please?

  • 12 Times This Mr Krab Meme Perfectly Summed Up African Problems

    We love this meme and how it makes our hearts race by merely looking at it.

    This thread, As Told By Ijeoma perfectly describes how it can really be when kasala starts to burst in an African house.

    Let’s begin…

    1. When you see Egungun coming for you with long cane.

    When you’re walking in your village and see a masquerade approaching. pic.twitter.com/mDHKq3Fx82

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    2. When you’re about to get caught stealing meat from the pot.

    When you’re stealing meat from the pot and hear footsteps pic.twitter.com/pvZuC4OxNR

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    3. When busy body aunties don’t want you to enjoy yourself at an Owambe.

    When you’re relaxing at an African party and auntie is picking out girls to help serve food pic.twitter.com/5tOgs71S8R

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    4. When you’re an IJGB in your village.

    When you’re visiting your village from abroad and you hear “Pssss. Fine gehl, come.” pic.twitter.com/a0w2orqzMN

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    5. When your long throat puts you in trouble.

    When you already ate the biscuit your auntie gave you and your cousin tells you she’s a witch pic.twitter.com/gVmekPzc8C

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    6. When your mother hears the pim she already warned you about.

    When your mom hears pim pic.twitter.com/XTqj1zOq3z

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    7. When you desperately need a “Kini” translator.

    When your mom says “Bring me my dis ting” but there’s so many dis tings pic.twitter.com/iTd63e8Pdk

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    8. How you search for home-training whenever your parents come around.

    When you’re an African kid this is your reaction in general when your parents come home no matter the circumstances. pic.twitter.com/uSlLCaV8zE

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    9. When your behind is about to get really hot from flogging.

    When your mom is getting something to beat you with and you’re looking for a place to hide pic.twitter.com/pwwPjd9gax

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    10. When your parents run into their friends at the end of the party.

    When you’re about to leave the party and your parents see their friends pic.twitter.com/eK9AJTGXpu

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    11. When you didn’t wash all the dirty plates in the sink.

    When your parents come home and there’s still a fork in the sink pic.twitter.com/cjr7R1C7S6

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016

    12. When someone catches you lying about your native language.

    When you lie and say you’re fluent in your native tongue and someone tells you to speak it pic.twitter.com/iYa5VE3ard

    — Coco No Chanel (@AsToldByIjeoma) March 14, 2016