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  • Congratulations! You’re Now Your Nigerian Parent’s Bestie

    Congratulations! You’re Now Your Nigerian Parent’s Bestie

    Many Nigerians don’t have close friends, and even if they do, they don’t have best friends. At least, that’s what you think. If your parents do any of the things on this list with you, you’re their bestie. Better believe.

    1) They’re always gossiping about their relationship problems with you

    When something happens to you romantically, don’t you report yourself to the group chat with all your friends? Your parents do just that. Except there is no group chat and you’re the only bestie. 

    2) Your opinion matters to them 

    Before they buy something or take an important decision, they always involve you in their plans/actions and ask for your thoughts. If you feel they shouldn’t go through with it, they won’t. Your opinions hold a lot of weight to them. That’s because you’re more than a child to them. 

    RELATED: QUIZ: What Kind of Parent Will You Be? 

    3) They always spill secrets ear and dear 

    Unprovoked, your parents can just tell you that your “late” Aunty is still alive but faked her death to hide from Interpol for tax fraud. You’ll be shook, confused, but entertained. You can only spill tea like that with your bestie. 

    4) They report everyone to you 

    It’s not like you’re going to beat those people up, but anytime someone looks for their trouble, they’ll tell you about it. Before you know it, you’re holding grudges with people you’ve never spoken to before. 

    5) They send you rubbish WhatsApp broadcasts 

    They do this because they care about you. It’s their way of reminding you that they’re always thinking about you. 

    RELATED: Every Nigerian Parent’s Search History Probably Looks Like This 

    6) Your name/birthday is their password 

    You can forget your children, but you’ll never forget your bestie. That’s why when it comes to security information like passwords, they use your name or your birthday. 

    7) They’re interested in the things you like

    From your favourite musician to your favourite movie. If your parents are constantly asking you about what you like, it’s because they want to have common ground with their best friend. 

    RELATED: How to Be a Nigerian Parent 

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • 6 Nigerians Tell Us Why They Don’t Like Their Parents

    6 Nigerians Tell Us Why They Don’t Like Their Parents

    Parents might have been the ones that birthed us, but that does not mean everyone likes theirs. 6 Nigerians tell us why they don’t like their parents.

    Sarah, 18

    I don’t like my parents because of all the physical and emotional abuse I’ve gone through with them over the years. Some might see it as “discipline” or “training” but all it did was traumatise me and maybe make me develop some concerning kinks. It didn’t help matters that when I tried to talk to them about it so we could bury the hatchet and at least try to live harmoniously, all I got was more abuse.

    Bolanle

    So, I don’t like one of my parents and since I have moved from hate, this is progress. Now, I just wish they never existed in the first place. I don’t like that my father was not present in my life while growing up and when he came back around the time I was 16, he didn’t come back to stay. He came back to be inconsistent and mess with my mental health. Whenever I feel like I have made progress and I’m getting better, my dad shows up again to take me back to ground zero. If he were dead, this wouldn’t be happening.

    Lily, 21

    How utterly alone talking to them makes me feel. Everything turns into a lecture or a disagreement and it would be nice to just get things off my chest with the people who birthed me. I can’t even see a dress and comment on it without my mother making weird faces and talking about decency. I would have liked to be able to talk to my mum to talk about the stupid boys that broke my heart, but I had to figure all that out myself. I love them, but I don’t like them and I’m happiest when I’m not around them.

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    Jane, 44

    My mum and I are currently estranged because she made fun of me for being sexually attacked as a child. She then lied to say I never told her. It was such a horrible lie that I went on with life with no contact with her. She could always be found to be on the side of people who did me harm.

    It is her consistent and clear choice. My former brother-in-law was abusive to my sister. My mum would entertain him and even let him know where my sister was staying when he was stalking her. I had to protect myself and with space, I had to think. I knew and had to accept that I did not like her.

    Zainab, 20

    I don’t hate my parents. In fact, I like to believe that I love them very much. I just don’t like them. My parents see me as an extension of themselves, constantly forcing their way of life on me. I like to believe I’m an adult and can make certain decisions by myself, or that I know what’s right for me and what isn’t. They don’t think so. It’s irritating and leads to resentment. I really love my parents, but I resent them for not letting me by myself.

    Derin, 22

    I don’t hate them, I just don’t exactly like them. Especially my mum. She’s extremely difficult and ununderstanding. If she wasn’t my mum, I wouldn’t like to be her friend or want to be associated with her, but I don’t hate her. She gives me anxiety and can be very toxic. We don’t have a good relationship and she has never tried to build one but she seems to be forcing it these days which gets me annoyed.

    My father on the other hand turns a blind eye when my mum is being herself. That’s why I don’t him so much. I think I have mixed feelings about him but my mum? I don’t.

    [donation]

    Itohan Esekheigbe

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  • QUIZ: How Much Of A Nigerian Parent Will You Be?

    QUIZ: How Much Of A Nigerian Parent Will You Be?

    On a scale of 0 to “Do they have two heads?”, how much of a Nigerian parent will you be to your kids? Answer this quiz as honestly as possible — yes, we’re looking at you — and we’ll let you know. P.S: We can tell when you’re lying, and that will be reflected in your answer.

    Go ahead:

    NerdEfiko

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  • How To Be A Nigerian Parent  

    How To Be A Nigerian Parent  

    All Nigerians are the same. There might be several ethnic groups and religions between us, but there are certain attributes we all share that make us similar. It’s even worse when you’re a Nigerian parent.

    We’ve concluded that there must be a school everyone goes to learn how to “parent” before they have children and we’re here to tell you everything they teach in that school. 

    Here’s a list of Topics in the syllabus of Nigerian Parents’ Schools.

    How to blame your child for the mistakes you made.

    As a parent, when you make a mistake, you must realise that parents cannot make mistakes. It’s simply impossible.

    What’s the next best thing? Finding a way to blame your child. I mean that’s what our parents do, right? Say you’re looking for your glasses and you become frustrated. All you need to do is shout at the top of your voice and ask your child why they can’t help you look for your glasses, even though they didn’t know you were looking for your glasses.

    When they protest with, “But I didn’t know…” Say something like, “So you could not think that I might misplace my glasses and help me keep it somewhere abi?” And when they point out you’ve been wearing your glasses all along, blame them for putting it on your face without your knowledge.

    How to shout at the top of your voice.

    It doesn’t matter if you look like this, just keep shout.

    If you don’t shout, you’re weak. You must shout even if they’re right next to you. Show dominance. 

    It’s always your child’s duty to get the remote next to you.

    After having a child and breastfeeding them, you should never work again. When there’s a remote beside you, and you need to change it from African Magic Family to African Magic Yoruba, please don’t pick it. If you’ve shouted for your child to come and get it and they don’t hear, pick up your phone from right beside the remote, and call them. When they get there tell them to help you pass the remote. Parenting 101

    Up your sarcasm game.

    Sarcasm shows intelligence, and you’re intelligent. There’s also no better way for a child to learn than fear. Say things like, “Come and put it on my head na,” when your child asks an innocent question on where to put something you’ve asked him to get. And when they tell you they’re hungry as you cook, say something like, “As you can see, I’m playing here.” Then there’s the classical, “Oh, so I’m stupid? ehn? Answer me, am I stupid?”

    Idle Hands are the Devil’s Workshop

    There must be a chore in the house for your child even when they’ve done all possible chores. So find something for your child to do. Work builds character. 

    How to beat children to the rhythm of their voice.

    When you’re beating your child for staring too long at a visitor’s food, make sure the beating rhymes with their voice as they cry. It’s nice to have some fun in this world of stress. 

    How to keep money for your children

    When your children get money from their uncle, tell them you want to help them keep it so that nobody steals it. Then proceed to steal it. When they ask for it in the future, say these words “All the food you’ve been eating in this house, did you pay for it”?

    ODavid

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  • QUIZ: When You Become A Nigerian Parent, What Would Your Superpower Be?

    QUIZ: When You Become A Nigerian Parent, What Would Your Superpower Be?
    We are all aware that Nigerian parents are not of this realm. They’re supernatural. Zikoko already established that they have superpowers, now if you were one of them, what would your superpower be?

    Odunayo

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  • 5 Ways to Prank a Nigerian Parent… and Live to Tell the Tale

    5 Ways to Prank a Nigerian Parent… and Live to Tell the Tale
    Pranking a Nigerian parent is a risky move which may end in this being thrown at your head…
    or this…
    or a beating with one of these…
    But there is one Nigerian boy who has managed to survive all of these. Meet ComedyShortsGamer a.k.a Deji. He loves to prank his mum and dad for the pleasure of his millions of followers who can’t get enough of their hilarious Nigerian parent-style reactions. Watch these videos to learn how, just like Deji, you too can prank your Nigerian mother and father and live to tell the tale.

    1. Tell your Nigerian mother you got a tattoo… of a ‘demonic creature’.

    2. Tell your Nigerian mother you want to ‘snap a picture’ but make a video of her just posing instead.

    3. Tell your Nigerian father that everything he’s worked hard to build has been burnt in a fire.

    His father’s acting is oscar-worthy sha!

    4. Slap your Nigerian mother! Yes you read that correctly. SLAP her with whipped cream.

    Disclaimer: we accept no liability for the ifoti you might receive.

    5. Tell your Nigerian mother you ‘impregnated’ a girl.. in her house.

    Ok so maybe we all can’t get away with this level of pranking with our Nigeria parents like Deji can.
    So tell us.. [zkk_poll post=8748 poll=content_block_standard_format_16]

    Damilola

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