Notice: Function _load_textdomain_just_in_time was called incorrectly. Translation loading for the wordpress-seo domain was triggered too early. This is usually an indicator for some code in the plugin or theme running too early. Translations should be loaded at the init action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/bcm/src/dev/www/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121 Nigerian mums | Zikoko!
My mother and I had not seen each other for three years. Apart from COVID happening, I had school and work. But in June [2022], she had a program in my city and used the opportunity to visit my new apartment. As a Nigerian mum, she had a lot of things to say. Here’s a list of the ones I wish I had better responses for.
“Wear a bra”
No! Just no. Why? Because it hurts my chest and makes me feel extra bloated. Contrary to your opinion, a woman’s dignity is not in her ability to “package” her breasts well. I’m simply not interested in anyone who is too fixated on whether or not I’m wearing a bra. In my world, that’s a red flag.
LMAO. This one is hilarious because all those years of close-marking me to make sure I avoided boy are finally proving themselves useful and you are shocked? Come off it, ma.
“Don’t pierce or tattoo your body again”
No be you go tell me wetin I go do. I know you gave birth to me but the body still belongs to me and I can do with it as I see fit. I know you’ll ask what if I regret it, but the answer remains that the body is still mine. If I regret my decisions, I have myself to blame. Don’t stress.
But they are and I’m not interested in dating them or any man but the real reason for that is a story for another day.
“What do you mean you won’t get married?”
I said what I said and I meant what I said. I’m not interested in following society’s script of a virtuous woman. That includes getting married and having kids. These are tedious roles for someone that doesn’t even want to be alive in the first place.
“Don’t say you won’t have kids”
Please see the point above for one reason I’m not having kids. For the second reason, kids are too volatile for me. They require patience, love and attention. These are resources I’m not equipped to provide at any given chance. I’d rather not have kids than to raise a scarred individual deprived of foundational care, who then goes on to be an emotional menace to all that encounter them. No, thank you. I’m good.
I wish we were more aligned on our choices but there’s plenty of stuff we agree on. For example, how good my cooking is or how we both love small pieces of meat. I love you and we don’t have to always be in agreement for my love to be valid.
If you think babies are a handful, wait till you meet toddlers. Here’s a list of things toddler mums can relate to, according to Thelma:
Eating alone is a no-no
Toddlers will beg for everything you put in your mouth, and sometimes, they’d just try to take it without asking. If you want to enjoy your meal alone, hide in your room. Good luck with that though because hiding from a toddler is close to impossible.
They are like a shadow, they follow you everywhere, even to the toilet. The smell doesn’t faze them so you better get used to it.
Always going out with extra clothes
If there’s one thing about toddlers, it’s that they are going to stain their clothes…and yours too. Sometimes, they just want to roll in the dirt and you have to be ready for such.
Now that they can walk, they know how to find their way to your bed without your invitation. So remember to leave space for them.
When there’s silence, you know it’s bad news
Toddlers are always up to no good. When you can’t hear your toddler anymore, check on them as soon as you can…if you like your house.
Playing the same game 500 times
And it won’t be enough because they’ll still cry once you stop. To be with a toddler is to have strength 24/7.
Knowing all the lines to cocomelon and not by choice
You’ll know the lines to every other cartoon. You’ll be well-versed on the call and responses, the dances as well. If you don’t know how to dance, practice before your baby becomes a toddler.
Constantly saving them from killing themselves
The worst part is that they will wail, kick and sulk because you didn’t allow them to swallow a pebble they saw on the floor. God abeg.
Your home will always be littered with toys
No matter how many times you tidy up, your house is always going to be messy, thanks to your toddler. As they grow older though, you can teach them to clean up after themselves, but until then, pele.
Nigerian mums might shout your ears off, but when you really think about it, they are carrying the world on their back. Here’s a list of the things Nigerian mums do that the entire country needs to thank them for.
1. Recycling everything
Nigerian mothers recycle everything from bottles and plastic cans to clothes and shoes. Nothing goes to waste with a Nigerian mum around. It might be annoying to open a tub of ice cream to discover egusi in its place but in the long run, your mama is saving the earth. Be grateful.
2. Cooking for everybody
Nigerian mums rarely cook small meals. They are cooking with the security guard, the help and maybe a few neighbours in mind. Those huge coolers of food be saving lives since 1878.
3. Carrying literally everything you could possibly need wherever they go
Every Nigerian mum has a purse that’s been magically enhanced to contain more than meets the eye because what other explanation is there for how they have EVERYTHING on them at all times? You could need a pot, tuber of yam, a bit of hellfire, and a vial of Jesus’ blood and a Nigerian mum would whip these things out of her purse in seconds.
4. Praying
Nigerian mums are always ready to say a word of prayer for somebody. Whether it’s for healing or to lay a curse, prayers are being said and somebody is being saved (or killed).
5. Prophecies
Israelite prophets in the bible no do pass Nigerian mums. The day you tell them you want to travel is the day they’ll see a vision that will save your life but ultimately keep you from making the trip. Don’t complain, sha. Mama knows what’s best.
6. Saving money
Nigerian mums are best in saving money. They will even help you save your own money. You might never see that money again but the point is that the money was saved and so were lives.
Hug a Nigerian mum today. Or send this article to them. Either one works.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
Today’s subject for #ZikokoWhatSheSaid is a 50-year-old mum of three living her life backwards. She talks about the ups and downs of having a police dad, navigating adulthood without a solid plan and the moment of epiphany that reset her life.
What was it like growing up in the 80s?
We moved around a lot when I was a child. My dad was an Assistant Commissioner of Police in Lagos, and his job made sure we moved to a new place every other year. Those trips were the most exciting thing about having a police dad. I knew we were always going to try someplace new — and loved it.
I was born in Lagos and lived in the officer’s quarters at the Police College in Ikeja. The first time we moved, I was nine. We went from Lagos to Makurdi in Benue State and moved between three towns in Benue: Makurdi, Ida and Otukpo. Eight years later, my father was redeployed and we settled down in Oji river in Enugu State, where we lived until my father retired from the police force and moved to Delta State.
What were the best parts of your road trips?
I miss the drive between towns. The fruity scent of my mum’s perfume in my dad’s Peugeot 504. The cool breeze as my dad drove through highways…
Didn’t you lose friends with all of this moving about?
My parents were pretty strict. My dad in particular. He was very strict about minding his business, which meant ensuring his kids didn’t mingle with the neighbours or make friends. He made sure we didn’t wander outside the compound. Our lives looped around home, school and church. It didn’t help that our flat at the barracks had its own compound. That seclusion made it so boring — the kids at the communal side of the barracks seemed to have all the fun. We didn’t even have a TV to watch. It was so annoying. The only form of entertainment we had was standing by the window in the living room and watching the other kids run around, roll tyres and get dirty.
I made my first set of friends in secondary school, but I didn’t feel attached to those relationships. Leaving right in the middle of a school term was second nature to me — it never felt like I was losing anything.
You never snuck out of the house?
Hm. Once bitten, twice shy.
Ghen ghen… Tell me about the once.
My older brother snuck out one day after school while my sister and I looked on. He was having the time of his life that afternoon, rolling tyres, throwing sand around with the other kids and laughing. All that laughter disappeared when my dad rode his bicycle into the compound. We didn’t even have enough time to call him back into the house. It was my dad’s belt that brought him inside. When my mum returned from the market, he received another round of beating. Nobody had to tell us to never try it again after that.
That’s harsh.
Yeah. Anyway, being stuck in the house got me obsessed with reading novels. I started saving any money I got to buy books. I also climbed a lot of trees. When we lived in Otukpo, our compound had been surrounded by tall mango trees, and we were allowed to play with them. It was fun racing my brother and sister to the top, and up there we were rewarded with cool breeze and juicy mangos.
Climbing trees made me feel daring, brave.
Wild. Deciding on a Netflix show is where my bravery ends.
LOL. I also remember things like hiding in the farm behind our house in Maiduguri to avoid going for a secondary school entrance exam that was miles away from home. My father threatened to not send me to school for the whole year, but I didn’t care. He eventually enrolled me at a school close to the house. My mother used to beat me for soaking my clothes in the bathroom for days and locking myself in the bathroom to avoid my chores. I was quite the coconut head.
When was the first time you got to do what you wanted?
Way way later. My adult life was pretty uneventful. When I got into uni, I wanted to experience new things in a new town. Sadly, as a broke Nigerian student, that dream had to take a back seat. I was also too shy and reserved. My mates were chilling with their razzlers.
Razz what?
LOL. That’s what we called the men chasing us back then — what you guys call toasters. I had my razzlers, but I was too reserved to go for any of their advances. I only hung out with one person — let’s call her Amanda — who would drag me to Aba to chill. After uni, the “fun” ended.
And what started?
Job-hunting. I moved to Lagos to find a job. My friends were going into the banking sector, but I couldn’t see myself working as a banker. I wasn’t sure what I wanted anyway. I got a job as a supervisor in a barbing saloon, but it still didn’t feel like the right place. I complained to my father and he advised me to work as a teacher since I had a degree in English — that wasn’t something I wanted either. Eventually, I asked my sister, who’d moved to the UK, to start sending clothes I could sell to my friends in Lagos. I did that for a few years but got fed up with the hustle in Lagos and moved back to Port Harcourt. I started the search for a new job again and met the man I married in the process. The years went by, and I still couldn’t find a job. When we started having kids, I started the clothing business again to support my family. My life pretty much shut down, until I turned 47.
Tell me what went down.
I had a moment of epiphany. I got married with three lovely kids, but I was always angry. I didn’t even realise how bad it was until the evening I was watching a series on Zee world and my eight year old daughter walked in to ask a question, and I snapped at her. She wasn’t being difficult; I was just transfering aggression.
I was angry at my status. It felt like one minute I was a 17-year-old getting admission into uniport, to study English, taking trips to Aba to visit my friend and enjoying life. Then suddenly, all that time — 33 years — had gone by and nothing exciting happened in between. I didn’t own anything for myself and my friends who’d chosen banking had solid careers. That reality built some kind of resentment in me. I wanted more, but it felt late at first.
At first?
Yes. Things changed once I renewed my mind. It meant allowing myself to become the coconut-headed child I once was. It meant trusting God again on the plans he had for me, believing I wasn’t a failure just because time had gone by. The first step was to build something my fears wouldn’t let me believe I was good enough to do. I decided to open up a creche the next year.
A creche?
Yeah. Six years after graduating from uniport, my close friend Amanda opened a primary school in Abuja. The parents at her school kept requesting a creche section for their younger kids, but she wasn’t interested in expanding. She called me up a few times to take up the opportunity and set up my own place. I wasn’t ready.
I shoved the conversation away until after the incident with my daughter. I went to see her to talk through the emotions. Her advice was to get past the anger and try something new. She mentioned setting up the creche again, and it just felt right.
I set up the school in 2020, and it’s gradually grown. I started off with only two staff, and now I have five. New kids come in each year.
What does it take to run a creche?
Continuously learning. You have to be open-minded and keep up with new trends to teach kids. The years they spend in creche are usually the most formative ones, so I’m very particular about exploring teaching strategies.
I started this school when I was 48 — a year after that moment of epiphany at 47. This year, I turned 50, and with each moment that passes, there’s something new to learn about teaching. Google had to be my best friend, and it was hard at first. I had to ask my own kids for help — you know that’s not an African mother’s forte. So learning to keep my school up to date has been the hardest thing. I have to be, how do you guys say it…
Woke?
Yes. “Woke.”
LOL. Looking at how your parents trained you, I’m curious about how you’ve trained your kids.
Haha. I used to be as strict as my parents, but it didn’t work with my kids. As they got older, they only became more rebellious and distant. At one point, I was called in by the principal because my son was suspended for stealing from the cafeteria. That was the moment I knew my father’s austere approach wasn’t going to work. I needed to find a balance.
At first, they didn’t trust me, but I kept trying. I let go of the stern boundaries and gave them room to socialise — our communication became more open. They could politely challenge me with ideas, and I was fine stepping back. As time went by, they started talking to me about things I could only dream about before — crushes at school, places they wanted to see — and I loved every bit of it.
That’s so sweet. What does a 50-year-old woman who manages a school look forward to in 2022?
Travelling! Last December, I decided to go on a trip with my kids, sister and her kids to see my dad. He retired and moved to Delta State after serving in the police force for almost 32 years. We couldn’t afford a train ticket, so we decided to take a train from Abuja. My elder brother felt it was a careless decision. But I didn’t want to overthink it.
I drove to Lokoja and bought the train tickets at a station there. It was a slow ride, but I enjoyed the scenery. It took me back to those moments in the Peugeot 504 with my family again. There was no breeze from zooming down the highways, but I had the trees and the sun.
The next thing on my list is to go on a safari in Kenya. I want to know what the sun feels like around the world. It’s small small sha. I’m starting life backwards — it’s scary, but I love it.
For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here
Anyone who has a Yoruba mother or Yoruba mother-in-law will know we are capping with this list.
1. A box filled with geles she has forgotten about.
This box is usually filled with geles from 200 years ago. You’ll probably find the gele they tied at your naming ceremony in that box. No one really knows why they can’t give out those geles or throw them away.
2. Souvenirs from parties she attended 200 years ago.
Since Yoruba mums attend parties every weekend and sometimes 2 parties per day, they tend to forget about all the souvenirs they received and just dump them in random places. If you look through your Yoruba mums stuff, you’ll find a souvenir from 1985.
3. Souvenirs from parties she threw 200 years ago.
The same way Yoruba mums like attending parties is the same way they like throwing them. A lot of souvenirs from the party are forgotten about and left in the house. The lucky leftover souvenirs are sometimes repacked and shared at the next party. There will surely be the next party.
4. Pots from before you were born.
No one really knows what the sentiment is, but Yoruba mums can pass out if they let go of those pots. They’ll keep buying new pots, but still, refuse to let go of the 50year old pot they’ve had forever.
5. A box filled with Iro and Buba she no longer wears.
This is very similar to the box of geles, atleast Iro and Buba can be restyled, but Yoruba mums usually don’t restyle their Iro and Bubas. They probably want to give the Aso-Oke in the box to their great-grandchildren.
6. Jewellry hidden in the most confusing places known to man.
You’ll randomly go through Yoruba mums stuff and see jewellery in it. No one knows if it’s the paranoia that makes them hide stuff in the most confusing places ever, or they just like to do it.
7. Abo Ajase or ceramics plates and teacups that she inherited from her own grandmother.
There are high chances you’ll also inherit that same set of plates, depending on how much your mother loves you. The abo ajase has probably been part of your family since Shehu Shagiri was president.
8. Coal iron.
The fact that you haven’t seen it doesn’t mean she doesn’t own one. Except you don’t live in Nigeria.
9. A set of fancy plates that she never brings out unless there’s a special occasion.
No matter how rich your Yoruba mum is, she’ll always have those fancy plates that only come out of hiding when there’s a special occasion. You have probably tried to convince her to stop behaving like that, don’t worry, she’s never going to listen.
10. Eyepencil.
Black eye pencil producers are still in business because of Yoruba mothers. That’s all we are going to say.
11. This tray
If you look hard enough, you’ll find it somewhere.
In March, Kachi* messaged me to say she had a story for me about her relationship with her mum. We had a conversation and here’s what she told me:
The relationship I have with my mum is the kind of relationship people have with their sisters. Maybe it is because I am all she has and she is all I have. But I think even if I had siblings, we would still be close because she is not like the typical Nigerian parent. First of all, she is only 43 and has a small stature like me. When we walk together, people often assume we are siblings. There are some things she does though that may mimic the typical Nigerian parent, especially when it concerns religion. She is the kind of Christian that replies “You’re not dead in Jesus name” to jokes. She takes church seriously but has never pressured me to do the same. These days, we talk about the holes in the Bible’s plot and misogynist pastors.
Some people accuse her of indulging me too much. This makes no sense to me because I was also spanked as a child. She pays them no mind though because she prefers civil conversation. She grew up in the typical Nigerian home where there were unspoken rules you could not break and she did not want that for us. When I was about 7, she stopped trying to correct me with her hands but we still have our fair share of fights. One time, we used to fight a lot about me going out. We would argue for hours but we eventually found a way around it. She explained her concerns about my safety and how she misses me when I’m gone so I try to be home early. I also gist her about what happened where I went so she doesn’t feel left out.
In the typical arrangement in a Nigerian home, children are not allowed to talk back to their parents but my mum and I fight like agemates. We would sit down and talk deeply about our issues — who went wrong, why and how we can be better for each other. If I say something hurtful to her, she can tell me about it and vice versa. She does not believe in avoiding apologies so when she is wrong, she won’t do things like cooking my favourite food or giving me money as other parents do. She would apologize and make sure I am okay. After resolving a fight, we hug and call each other best friends.
My friends always tell me how much they like her. I understand it because when I go to their houses, their parents are always so stiff. They just greet and that’s all the interaction they have apart from scolding. In my house, they are free to talk to my mum as they like. Sometimes, when they are unable to reach me, they call her. One time, she picked up the phone pretending to be me and my friend didn’t even notice. When my friends tell me that they can’t talk about guys around their mother, I can’t relate because my male friends can even call my mum’s phone to talk to me. Sometimes, she already knows who I like before I say it. This is because of how often we gist. When I like someone, I talk about them a lot. She would pick up on that and ask me without being weird.
However, there are some things I can’t tell her. I have always known that I am queer and I prefer being with women. I am still trying to make sense of a lot of things about myself so I try not to pressure myself with labels. It’s a secret I am hyper-aware of because my mum wants me to be more womanly and act my age. She says this because I hate hair extensions and only wear T-shirts and jeans. She thinks it makes me look like a teenager. But I am not ready for the heavy conversation we will have when I tell her. She will have a lot of questions I do not have the answers to yet. I will eventually tell her but only under different financial circumstances.
She works so hard and money is getting harder to earn. I do not want to tell her something that might destabilize her even more. I am very protective of her just as she is of me. She understands my emotions and respects them. When she notices that I am sad, she gives me space and offers comfort from afar until I am ready to talk about it. She doesn’t just jump to my defence when I tell her someone offended me. She asks for explicit details and uses the information to evaluate whether I am wrong or right as a friend would. When I am wrong, she points it out and asks me to apologise or do the right thing. When I am right, she asks me what I need from her.
In the same way, I look out for her. On one occasion, she was having issues at work and because she is a soft person, she broke down mentally. I asked her what was wrong and she told me everything. I was trying to be tough for her but it hurt me to see her hurting like that. I wish I could give her all the money she needs so she won’t have to face difficult situations. It is why I work so hard to make her proud.
Every week, Zikoko asks anonymous people to give us a window into their relationship with the Naira. Some will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie–but all the time, it’ll be revealing.
This episode was pulled off in partnership with ARM Life. They’re making it easy to get started with insurance. So make the first move and start here.
Today’s story is about a Septuagenarian. She’s done everything from secretarial work to hospitality, and trade. All of this with one goal; to give the best life possible for her kids. This conversation happened in Yoruba, and this is an attempt at translating it to English, all without losing the yorubaness.
Tell me about your first job.
I worked at the Health Department of the Lagos City Council. I started working there in 1969, and I was 20 at the time – that’s when I got married. My salary was £16 and we used to get a Danger Allowance, because of the department we worked in – another £2.
Ah, Pounds.
Yes, Nigeria still used the pounds back then, and it was the same value as the British pound. I worked there till 1971, and then I travelled to go and join my husband, who was in the UK at the time. In Britain, I got a secretarial job that I didn’t like very much. It kept me seated too much. So I took the City and Guilds Certificate, 1 and 2, in catering. A few years later, we returned to Nigeria in 1975, and it was a different country.
The Naira?
Yes. At this time, I already had three kids. Even the hand drive changed. I got a job as a Restaurant Supervisor at Eko Holiday Inn in 1975 – I was 26. You people now know it as Eko Hotel. I was expecting my 4th child at the time.
Interesting.
Yes. It was a joint venture by the government and some Americans. But we mostly worked with the Americans. My first salary was ₦375. To be honest, Jakande didn’t really care about the hotel business. A lot of his attention was on education and housing.
I had to be at Eko Hotel before 6 am. We were living on the Mainland but good thing was, in those days we had staff buses to pick us up and drop us off at our stops.
One funny thing that happened a lot in those days is this. My husband worked somewhere not too far from me. And he always wanted to come to pick me up, but then, sometimes, he’d have come and I’d have left with the staff bus. Can you imagine all that frustration was because we didn’t have phones that everyone has now?
By the time I resigned in 1981, my last salary was a little over ₦700.
Why did you resign?
My child was born prematurely. And there was the fear that if there wasn’t enough care, the child won’t survive. My husband used to say “If this child dies, it’s on you.”
You know, when I was leaving, the personnel manager did everything to keep me. In fact, they came to the house officially asking that I return. I didn’t.
But at the time, I’d already started doing some business on the side. I had a friend who travelled a lot, so she helped me buy things I could sell while I still worked at the Hotel restaurant. She had a shop at Tejuoso Market then, and she encouraged me to open one too.
So I opened my shop in Tejuoso Market in 1981.
How much did a shop cost at the time?
It cost less than ₦5,000 to set up. About ₦120 per month. Restocking used to cost me about ₦2,000, and how did I restock? Only from buying from abroad.
Setting up wasn’t difficult at the time. I remember I even got a car loan while I was still at that job – ₦1700. Ah, Nigeria ti bàjẹ́.
Back then, when you get the car loan, you could buy a Volks. A Volks didn’t even cost up to ₦1,000. A Toyota Corolla cost under ₦2,000 – my husband bought this one. It was pretty and had so much room.
Toyota Corolla: Helping Baby Boys since (before) 1979
I used my car loan to buy a pick-up truck. I was using it to carry canned drinks for supply. I’d go pick them up at Ota, and then deliver at Apongbon.
So you could even buy a car on your salary of two months?
Daada! Even all the gold we used to buy in those days, how much did they cost? Fashion wasn’t hard at the time. Gold bangles were going for ₦120.
What did you sell in your shop?
Baby wares. Children’s clothes. Those days, if you haven’t bought Mothercare products for your child, it’s like you haven’t given birth. There weren’t any diapers, only napkins.
But around the time I started, there was one Igbo man in my neighbourhood. He used to go to Brazil to get car spare parts. He was the first person that made me start selling Johnson and Johnson diapers. He’d stock up his own container with my goods, and bring them to my shop.
The blessing was that my children also wore good clothes – the boys wore suits, the girls wore the best dresses. My last child at the time would come to the shop, and once he saw a toy, he’d cry till he got it hahaha.
Business was really booming in those days.
What changed?
It started with a house fire in 1983. The things we lost, I can’t even begin to value. The shop was something I started to fill up the time while I was planning to start my catering business. Part of my profits from running the shop went into buying things I needed when I was ready. I didn’t have a warehouse, so things I couldn’t keep in my shop, I stored at the house. Cartons on cartons on cartons.
They all got burnt.
Wow.
We moved into a new place, and that cost ₦250/month in rent. It was a three-bedroom flat. Towards the end of the year, someone wanted to help me get a ₦25,000 loan that same year. That money was going to cover the capital to set up my catering business and pay two years rent. I was going to use my father’s properties as collateral, but my mother didn’t think it was a good idea. So I didn’t take the loan.
The drought hit us proper in 1985. My husband also didn’t pick a better time to marry a second wife. Before then, our kids’ school fees were paid by whoever had money first. I paid, he paid.
When the second wife came, everything thinned out. We barely saw him. Sometimes, we didn’t even see him for weeks. Before this period, work made him go away for months at a time, so I was already used to not having him around in a sense.
How did you cope?
Business never really went back to how it was before that fire, but we managed. That shop was literally how our family survived. My baby sister lived with me too at the time. We’d sell what we could sell, and buy food for the house for that day. The bulk shopping I used to do before became buy-as-you-have.
What was bulk shopping like in the good days?
I had another sister who was the Oga of bulk shopping, bless her soul. Once I gave her ₦200 in the early 80s, we were sorted. Do you know how many people were living with me? Three of my siblings and my own six children. My daily sales in those bulk shopping days used to be over ₦1000 on good days. In fact, I used to be part of a club. You people only talk about Aṣo Ẹbí, but we used to buy a lot of Aso Egbe.
Squad goals.
Illustration by Oshomah.
Kini yen?
Nothing ma. So, back to Aso Egbe.
We called ourselves Club 8. We partied together and bought our clothes together. But by the mid to late 80s, I couldn’t keep up. I had kids to feed, and their suffering was too difficult for me to bear. My baby sister and first daughter got into tertiary school. You had to pay for their hostel rent, school fees, and you had to buy their hand-outs.
Whenever my daughter and baby sister came home and there wasn’t money, they’d take a few things from the shop and go sell in school to lecturers. That was how they survived. It got to a point, by the late 80s, where I could no longer continue selling baby wares. I had friends travelling, who’d help me buy shoes for adults, male and female, and I started going from office to office, selling them.
How did you pull off the school fees struggle?
At the biggest school fees stretch, I was paying the school fees of 7 people, my kids and my baby sister’s. When my last born came, I couldn’t afford private school for her, so she went to one of these under-the-tree schools in the neighbourhood.
At some point, I could no longer afford private school for two of my older boys too, so I moved two of the kids out of private school, and took them to public school – Jakande made those free and that saved our lives.
All you had to do was buy books, uniform, and give them attention.
Where was he – your husband – all this while?
Oh, he said he was raised by his mother too. And so, I should raise my kids too. And it wasn’t just me. He did it to his second wife. If she wasn’t fortunate enough to be able to send her children abroad, she wouldn’t have survived. She faced the same struggles too. She was hustling to pay ₦150 school fees too.
So, all he was doing was having children. What was he using his money for?
I dunno for him o. To be honest, there was a time he quit the safety of a job and tried to start a company, and that was a tough period for him. In fact, it’s in between all of this he married his second wife, and everything just crumbled for him. He sold his two vehicles, a bus and a car.
Was this how they used to do, these men?
Most of them were like that. But there were some who were good homebuilders, despite being polygamous in some cases. They were present for their families. All the while, he blamed me for having all the kids.
Why didn’t your husband use birth control?
I even used at some point, but I’m just unfortunate with birth control. I used the coil but somehow got pregnant. When my child was born, he was holding the coil in his hand. The doctors at that time said I was 1 out of 100, and I was like, why me?
The IUD (coil) is a small, T-shaped contraceptive device inserted into the womb to prevent pregnancy.
Why…why didn’t you leave?
The kids. I kept wanting them to be present in his life. And him in theirs.
The times are changing though.
Do women these days have time for nonsense? They would have flung the man away since. Nobody is waiting around for someone who won’t give them love and give the kids attention.
Okay, back to work.
I kept trying out things to sell and make a living, and by 1988, I started travelling to Aba.
Ariara Market?
Haha. Ariyariya. I used to go and buy cut-and-sew. We walked the length and breadth of the market in those days. The roads were good, and. How much did it cost from Lagos to Aba by bus? ₦120.
Hayyy
Bẹ̀ẹni! We didn’t have to worry about anything on the road. I used to travel with Emerald Motors at Jibowu. Then there was Young Shall Grow. Okechukwu.
The Young Really Grew.
Yes o. They didn’t have enough vehicles then. Emerald was the reigning one, but when the owner died, the business died too. Even Ojukwu had his own bus line then.
Aba was really pleasant. When I wanted to start that business, I didn’t even have up to ₦10,000.
Again, my husband was saying “Why are you risking your life and leaving these children at home.” As if we were even seeing him at home. Hahaha.
He was giving you trouble at the time?
You see, the way he switched when he married a second wife ehn? He just became bitter. So, I just focused on making sure that I could give the kids the best things possible.
What was the most popular order in Eko Hotel?
Jollof Rice and Chicken Peri-Peri. A plate went for ₦180. There were different restaurants – Kuramo, Summit Restaurant at the rooftop. We moved from restaurant to restaurant, but I worked at Kuramo as a Supervisor.
How stressful must it have been?
It was stressful, but it was good work. My health started to deteriorate shortly after I left. I started treating hypertension in 1983 at the age of 34. When I eventually got rushed to the hospital a few years later, the doctors said I was “very lucky”, because if I had delayed treatment, it would have killed me.
Something else came in 1996. One of the kids fell ill, so we went to the hospital. I was just lying down on a bench, exhausted, when this doctor came in and asked if I was okay. He randomly observed me for a few minutes. Then he asked me if I was hypertensive. I told him I was.
I think it was his instinct, but he asked to run some tests on me, and when it was done, he screamed.
What was it?
Diabetes. The doctor said ‘ah! 400!’ I didn’t even know what diabetes meant: there wasn’t that much awareness about diabetes at the time.
I told the doctor that the child I brought, I hadn’t even paid money. Where was I going to get money to pay for mine? Hahaha.
Wow.
I was still travelling to Aba in all this time, while at the same time trying to arrange flight tickets for my son, who was going to the UK. I paid for all of it without his father. I think it was about ₦25,000 in the mid-90s. It could have been easier for us to arrange that travel because he was a British citizen.
What made it hard?
Abacha. There was some embargo on the Nigerian government, and British citizens could only fly from Ghana. That would have cost more money.
All that travelling and stress must have taken its toll on your health. When did you eventually stop working?
I stopped going to Aba in 1998. Do you know what I loved about Aba? Many of them were kind. When you become a regular customer, you can show up with the money for 5k worth of goods, and they’d tell you to take 10k’s worth. Because they knew you’d come back, and pay up. That helped a lot. I dunno if it’s still possible today, but I hope your generation eventually gets it easy.
I travelled in 2002. At this time, two of my children were now in the UK. I really just wanted to go take a break, and see my daughter – I hadn’t seen her in four years. I needed to see how comfortable she was. She was still a teenager when she left. That was also tough for her.
I spent almost a year there, and when I came back, I was still trying to buy and sell things and chasing debtors.
Looks like debtors were stressful.
Yes, they were. People in offices, for example, would take things on credit and pay at the end of the month. And I don’t blame them because they also couldn’t afford to pay till the end of the month, but my children had to eat.
The food sellers in our neighbourhood were really understanding. They let the kids come and buy food and kept a tab open for me. So I paid when I had money.
That year, we moved into our own house. My husband had been building one. By the time we were moving out of the house we lived in, it cost ₦5,500 per month. A lot of it was still incomplete.
Do you want to know how much we bought the land? ₦25,000 in 1992. I contributed ₦8000.
With all of what you know and have experienced now, what would you do if you could travel back in time?
Hahaha. Let’s just be glad I survived. You know, when things happen, it’s impossible to tell outcomes. If I died, my children’s lives would have still continued somehow. They were courageous.
I’m really grateful.
How is old age?
Boring. I’m grateful that I have children who send me money for my welfare. I never have to worry about medicine. But the hardest part about being old for me is that all the places I could go, You can’t move around as much because your body is weak. Some of the things you did with ease when you were younger, now need an extra hand.
I’m treating Diabetes, hypertension, and osteoporosis. My meds are taken care of by my kids. I have no pension. No insurance.
Investments?
My kids hahaha. They’re my pension and my insurance.
They send money, but, even that no longer feels enough. I’d love to talk to them. And my grandchildren. I can’t always do that now, and those times when I can’t hear from anyone, I feel lonely. It used to make me very bitter – the loneliness – but not anymore.
Their father talks about it now, about how much of a lucky man he is. And despite the fact that they remember everything, the children don’t hate him.
Are you happy now?
I used to be bitter a lot. All that suffering alone. Now I’m just thankful, the kids are doing fine.
Thank you for making me remember all of this. It’s so easy to forget.
When life throws things at us, the greatest help we need in those times is a strong safety net, like insurance. Whether it’s a fire or a school fees, the right insurance policy will make life easy to face. Find out how to get started here.
Check back every Monday at 9 am (WAT) for a peek into the Naira Life of everyday people. But, if you want to get the next story before everyone else, with extra sauce and ‘deleted scenes’, subscribe below. It only takes a minute.