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I recently talked to a friend who said she got scarred after giving her boyfriend oral sex during a random quickie. According to her, “It smelled like stale urine and locust beans down there.” Now, I can’t say I know for sure what a healthy penis should smell like, but I do know what it shouldn’t smell like, and top of that list is stale urine.
After that conversation, I knew I had to cover men’s hygiene for men’s health awareness month. The boys are out here neglecting the hygiene of their reproductive organs. If you’ve got a penis and balls, here’s a guide on how to keep them in tip-top shape.
Wash up
Don’t just splash water on your phallus and jump out of the bathroom. Dedicate some time to gently washing the nooks and crannies. Get all that build-up of sweat and urine out of the way with water and mild soap.
Pat it dry after every bath
Ever pulled off your boxers after a long day and shuddered at the smell that hit your nostrils? It’s probably because you didn’t clean up properly after bathing. It’s super important you pat everywhere dry. Personally, I spread out in front of a standing fan for a few minutes before putting on underwear.
Rinse off after every pee
This is a common practice among Muslim men, but everyone should do it. After every pee, shake your junk to get all the excess urine out and rinse off with water. This is the easiest way to avoid smelling off and having urine stains on your underwear.
Shave
Listen, I’ve never known a time when it was cool to leave a clump of pubic hair hovering over your dick. Grab a tube of hair removal cream and scrape that stuff off. A low trim is preferable since hair also prevents against STIs. If you can, reach for the hair around the anus too. I hear some barbers offer this as a service.
Don’t repeat boxers
Many men are guilty of repeating underwear. That’s bad business for your odogwu and sons, bro. The ideal thing to do is wash your boxers after every use and wear a fresh pair daily.
Stick to cotton boxers
Yes, you prefer spandex boxers and hot pants because they help you hide random erections in public. But do you know they may be doing more harm than good because they trap air? Cotton underwear does a better job at keeping the air circulating down there. Basically, they let the balls breathe.
Avoid hot water
I know you’re tempted to bathe with piping hot water when it’s cold, but that’s bad business for your penis and balls. Hot water can cause irritation. Also, since the testicles need to be cooler than body temperature to function properly, hot water can overheat them and affect sperm production.
Clean the foreskin
Not all men have a foreskin, but if you’ve got one, you’ll need to raise it up and clean it properly whenever you bathe. Smegma—a thick, cheesy-looking secretion—builds up under the foreskin when left unwashed. The smell is unpleasant, and if it’s left unattended, it can also cause redness, itching, and swelling.
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Powder it up
Things get real messy down there during the hot season. Air gets trapped in your cotton underwear, and all that sweat makes it annoyingly sticky. One way out? Apply a generous dab of powder in the corners of your private parts. It keeps the moisture in check and helps you feel dry.
Always look in the mirror
Yup, you should always have routine checks where you grab a mirror and see what’s going on down there. Look out for bumps on your ball sack and groin area. If anything looks off, go to the hospital ASAP.
Nigerian men may claim that they’re not natural skincare geniuses, and they’re not wrong, but there are some products they hate to run out of.
The legendary 8-in-1 body wash
Nigerian men would rather save the money and energy required to own and apply eight different products to have one magic bottle to do it all.
Pink lip balm
We all know pink lips are synonymous with looking good in Nigeria. Apart from the confidence boost from your fellow men when they say, “See as you fresh, guy,” women find it attractive. It’s a win-win situation.
Petroleum jelly
This is basically the 8-in-1 body wash for skincare. Name a better all-rounder. It can replace hair cream, body cream AND lip balm, and that’s why it’s a winner for Nigerian men.
Perfume oil
Nigerian men and their perfume oil? They love their appearances, but when they smell better than their good looks, they reach their final forms.
Beard oil
Grooming is all that differentiates an unkempt man from a member of the beard gang. Buy a man some beard oil today, and he’ll rub it up and want to step out in a second. Why? Fresh beard, new flex.
Shaving stick
If there’s an inanimate object that Nigerian men have an intimate relationship with, it’s shaving sticks. When they need a quick shave for an impromptu outing, or they’re expecting a sneaky link, it delivers faster than their barbers. But it has to be a good one, like BIC Flex 2, for extra smoothness.
BIC, a world leader in stationery, lighters, and shavers, has recently launched its innovative grooming product for men in Nigeria. Flex 2 comes to the market after its tremendous success in various areas globally and in the region. The newly launched product aims to equip men with the necessary tools to embrace their individuality and be confident in their own skin.
Joining a line of optimal products in BIC’s Blade Excellence category, Flex 2 is crafted with precision and sophistication to deliver a smooth, seamless shave for today’s man. The dual, open blade design ensures easy rinsing and hygienic shaving with every use. The shaver’s pivoting head adapts seamlessly to the unique contours of each face, delivering a flawlessly smooth and comfortable shave. Flex 2 is enriched with a refreshing essence of aloe vera and vitamin C, nourishing the skin with each stroke.
Speaking on the product’s launch, Adeyemi Ojo, Head of Business Development at BIC Nigeria said: “We are committed to delivering innovation to our consumers, living up to our vision of bringing simplicity and joy to everyday life. Our newly launched Flex 2 shaver elevates men’s shaving experience, while promoting self-confidence. We thrive to continuously bring the best to our consumers and are confident that Flex 2 will gain popularity in the Nigerian market.”
In Nigeria, Flex 2 shavers will be available at retail outlets across the country, sold at NGN 500 (pouch 1) and NGN 1,500 (pouch 3). BIC’s Blade Excellence category hosts a diverse range of products from one to five blades, serving consumers of all ages and genders. To view BIC’s full Blade Excellence range, click here.
It’s a few weeks to Valentine’s Day and while the relationship people are prepping to steal the show again, it’s important to note that we’ve got fathers and sons, brothers and buddies, and a whole squad of men who deserve to celebrate their bromance on this day too.
I caught up with seven Nigerian men to hear their thoughts on being there for their fellow dudes on the iconic lovers’ day.
From the big bro who paid for his sibling’s cinema date to the dude planning to send an anonymous box to his heartbroken cousin, their stories will have you in varying degrees of “God when?”
Dewunmi *, 31
My elder brother would always buy gifts for my mum on Valentine’s Day. Started right when we were in secondary school. He’d save up his pocket money during the weeks leading up to the 14th. It was really cute. Fast forward to when he got into uni and got more pocket money, he started including me in his plans. He’d buy chocolates, perfumes or food for me and my mum on Valentine’s Day. It went on for some time until it just stopped. I mean, he still buys stuff for both of us, but he doesn’t put as much importance on Valentine’s Day anymore.
Jason*, 25
My cousin just got served breakfast, and I know he’s hurting even though he’s trying not to show it. He’d been with his ex for about three years, and I honestly thought he’d propose soon, but I guess life happens. I’ve watched him celebrate Valentine’s with her in the last three years, so I’ve just been wondering what the day will look like this year. Thankfully, it’s a work day and that might help him get his mind off things, but I also want to do something nice for him. I’m thinking dinner at one of these fancy spots on the Island, or I might just send him an anonymous gift box with a hidden love letter. LMAO.
Hassan*, 24
I have a WhatsApp group just to keep in touch with some of my friends and be there for each other. We’ve had a lot of wholesome conversations about toxic masculinity and how we should be able to do more for each other as bros. Last Valentine’s, we did a simple exercise in the group where we all sent voice notes saying nice things about each other. We plan to hang out this year sha, but if that’s not possible, we’ll send each other gifts.
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Deji*, 29
Our last born started dating in January 2023. Since then, I’ve always thought to myself “Where this boy dey see money to fund relationship?” But I assumed his girlfriend understood his finances before saying yes. A few weeks to Valentine’s in 2023, I noticed little man was constantly in a mood around the house. He was also coming up with the weirdest money requests for things he had to pay for in school. It didn’t take long to figure out that he was trying to fleece us. So, I confronted him and gave him a pep talk before asking what he needed money for. He then said he wanted to do something for his GF for Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t like I didn’t know; I just wanted him to be free enough to ask. Two days to Val’s Day, I sent him ₦15k for a cinema date. I’m guessing he’s saved up enough for this year, but I still plan to send ₦15k. He doesn’t know this sha.
Tunde*, 40
My birthday is February 14, and it has added some colour to how I approach the date. Growing up, I didn’t make a fuss about my birthday. I was the kid who wanted to stay indoors and enjoy all the good treats with my family. This changed when I got into uni. My friends found it a little too exciting that my birthday falls on Valentine’s Day, so they always made me do something. Even when I tell them I don’t have money, they’d readily contribute and make sure we celebrate. So the tradition sort of stayed with me from uni. Now, my friends know that if every other thing fails on February 14, they can always show up for whatever Tunde* is doing for his birthday. And that’s the main reason why I now anticipate the day. Lots of brotherly love to go around.
Dapo*, 30
My dad celebrates me and my brothers every Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those things he does that makes me want to be a great dad too. I remember him taking my mum, my siblings and me out every Valentine’s Day when we were young. When it fell on a weekday, we missed school. It took me a while to stop seeing February 14 as another public holiday. Now that we’re all older, and some of my siblings are married, we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day as a family anymore. But one thing I know we’ll always get every February 14th is a text message from my dad saying how much he loves us.
Jerry*, 25
I moved in with my uncle after he lost his wife last year. His kids are abroad, so it’s only him in the house most of the time. I always get the sense that he feels lonely, especially during festive periods. He’s not the type that goes out a lot; he just stays in his study, reading books and newspapers. I wish I could take him out on Val’s Day, but it’s a work day and I’m not sure I’ll have the time. I’ll probably buy something nice for him. Would be nice for him to know someone cares.
The male fashionistas of today are popular for their originality and unrestricted sense of style. Gone are the days of copying the “American rapper” fashion template once deeply seated in Afro-pop culture.
Looking for inspiration from stylish Nigerian men to step up your own game? These are the guys to check out.
Teezee
As one of the founding fathers of Alté music, it isn’t hard to link Teezee‘s fashion style to the culture. He’s not your regular music and record label executive. You’ll only ever catch him in street or athleisure wear, casual clothes or adire pants for that Nigerian flavour.
IG: @teezee
Alani Gram
Alani Gram is almost always in Yoruba trad, but some days, it’s hats, suits and other comfortable clothes. Still he looks like everyday is summer to him. He recently launched MŌYÀTÒ — a unisex fashion brand making vintage Yorùbá prints and patterns into the coolest designs and wears. You can be stylishly different like Alani. Do it for the culture and carry on tradition.
IG: @alanigram
Feedy
One of the few guys who rock jerseys better than football players is Feedy. Football jerseys have broken into the fashion industry, but many folks haven’t caught on yet. Learn from Feedy AKA TheFeedbackBoy, who rocks football jerseys of all kind, from retro to classic. He’s so cool, he styles the current reigning video director, TG Omori. Feedy’s style community, Old Capsule, is focused on showcasing, selling and promoting vintage soccer jersey products.
IG: @thefeedbackboy
TG Omori
Speaking of, if you follow TG Omori on any of his social accounts, it’s clear to see why he’s one of the most fashionable young men in Nigeria today. Unique sunglasses, cool tops and unusual shoe choices are major components of his style, but he’s also unpredictable. Aside from his spectacular locs and gold grills, TG’s thick moustache makes him look even more stylish. Everything about him screams, “I’m so cool.”
IG: @boy_director
Walter Banks
Walter Banks AKA Wacko is a photographer and creative director who’s worked with many Afrobeats A-listers, and his eye for fashionable AF looks is A1. His style hangs between street fashion and Alté.
IG: @wark_jacko
Faraz
Nothing overboard with Faraz Muhammad’s steeze but lots of iconic European street and rare Asian fashion releases. He knows how to throw all the simple clothes together and make runway swag out of it. He may appear like a Korean mountain climber on some days, but kids and adults can take inspiration from him any day.
IG: @sixhunred
Dwin, the Stoic
Dwin wears silky tunics and suits, large clothes only Japanese warlords would wear, fascinating gold earrings and rings like Shabba Ranks. He’s very much royal and relaxed with his style. Out of ten folks, you’d hardly find two who dress like him.
Ejirhogene
If you want the why-couldn’t-I-think-of-those type of looks in your wardrobe, Ejirhogene is who to follow. His style creatively crosses cultures and puts different clothings together to make unique outfits. This guy can rock agbada, durag and school sandals and still be the best dressed in the room. His finesse peaks with cool and unique colour combinations and accessory collections.
Sitting with crossed legs was a posture connected to wealth. My family members would often make comments like “See the way you’re sitting like a rich man who owns us all”. I’d gleaned the posture from glassy-looking models on the pages of fashion magazines, who exuded an aura of sophistication I loved.
But in senior secondary school, I’d learn — in the harshest way possible — of the connections drawn between a man’s sexuality and sitting posture. Comments like “Why is this one sitting like a girl?” from female classmates, and “Seat properly” from teachers instilling their version of Nigerian etiquette, would eventually force a consciousness on me when I was about to cross my legs in public.
A recent encounter confronted me with old, unpleasant memories and led me on a short quest to learn about the experiences of other men.
Faith*
About two weeks ago, I was at the reception area of a telco experience centre when a security lady approached me. She said something about moving to the next seat, but I also heard her make a snide remark about the way I sat. For context, I wore a pair of shorts way above knee level, and crossed my legs so that a large portion of my thighs were on display. I wasn’t going to let it go, so I responded and told her cross-legging isn’t for women only. She saw that I was visibly irritated and had a quick change of tone. According to her, she didn’t mean it that way and was only worried the content of my pockets would fall off. I let it go, but that’s one of many such experiences.
Dave*
It was during NYSC on a Thursday (CDS). Our meeting was ongoing, but there I was bored and tired, so I crossed my legs. One of my colleagues said she noticed I did that a lot. She went on to say, “It’s very womanly, and the fact that you look like a girl doesn’t help you either.” I laughed and explained to her that I have a weak left knee from an accident I sustained at 13, so I can’t sit too long without wanting to place my left leg on the right to rest a bit.
Ibrahim*
I had my university education in Osun state, and the culture shock was one for the books. Prior to school, I’d lived in Lagos my whole life, and in my house, crossing your legs was in fact a sign of affluence. I remember my mum making statements like “Wo bo se cross-leg bi olowo” (see the way you crossed your legs like a rich man), and that was all there was to it. But I was in for a rude shock when I resumed school in 100 level. These Muslim sisters in my level would make side comments and laugh whenever they saw me sit with crossed legs. I didn’t think of it until one of them approached me and asked why I crossed my legs like a woman. I wasn’t sure I heard well, so I asked what she meant. This girl took her time to explain that crossing my legs makes me look feminine, especially because I also wore skinny jeans. I laughed it off and just walked away. Now that I think of it, that experience made me more conscious of crossing my legs. Sometimes, I scan the room to see if other men are crossing their legs before I do the same. That way, I won’t be singled out.
David Nkem
I cross my legs so much that I sometimes begin to wonder if I can sit without doing so. A woman once warned me to stop crossing my legs so I wouldn’t become impotent. According to her, crossing my legs brings negative energy to my balls. To date, I don’t know what she meant. My mum also used to bother, but she doesn’t care anymore. A coworker recently reported me to “the cartel” at work. They called me for a meeting to say, “Men don’t cross their legs when they sit.” But I feel comfortable and no longer give a fuck about it to be honest.
Dave*
I’ve found that in Nigeria, your sexuality will be questioned for so many flimsy reasons. From how you talk, walk and dress to how you cross your legs. People raise their eyebrows when you look eccentric or out of place. As someone whose sexuality has been questioned, I tend to be self-conscious. So, I self-check whenever I’m out in public. I don’t cross my legs. If you’re my friend, and you love crossing your legs, I might raise my eyebrows — before the Nigerian “sexuality FBI” extends their questions to me.
Gbenro*
I’m a banker. I wear suits a lot and sitting cross-legged is the best posture if you want to appear like the classic magazine models. At conferences or business meetings, once I settle into that chair, the next line of action is to cross my legs, except there’s no room to do so. At a work conference some weeks ago, I was trying to create extra room to cross my legs, and this female colleague goes, “Na wa o. You no fit sit down normally?” I didn’t even have to respond before another colleague jumped in asking how it’s her business. I knew the lady had been pining to say something about the way I sit for so long because she always made side comments. That day, I’d planned to give her a full dressing down.
James*
Nobody don question my sexuality based on leg crossing sha. I think it’s based on people’s background or environment during their formative period. It has nothing to do with sexuality or anything. Some people are just more comfortable crossing their legs while seated, either male or female. However, I have always felt weird standing akimbo. I always feel it is feminine, and I don’t know why. That’s just me digressing.
While talking to friends at an event about how the increasingly high costs of living in Nigeria mean you’re either rich or poor — no middle-class or in-betweens — Kunle* (28) shared his probably all-too-familiar situation: Pushing through life and a crazy economy as a man who’s tired of the money chase, but feels his value is directly proportional to how much he provides.
As a Nigerian man, I grew up believing my worth was tied to how much I made.
I saw it in how my mother’s smile widened when my dad gave her money before leaving for work. How my parents quickly brushed off my ten-year-old self’s declaration that I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grew up. Their reason was based on: “How much do you think vets make? Don’t you know you’re a man, and you’ll need to make money?”
It’s why, even though I got an allowance from my parents while in university, I was always doing one form of hustle or the other so I could make my own money. I didn’t need it; it just felt good to have money in my account.
I started writing notes and assignments for my coursemates in third year. With my charges averaging around ₦500 to ₦1k per course and my uni’s abundance of unserious students, I made a cool average of ₦30k in a good month. A very decent amount in 2014.
In final year, I graduated to helping my mates write their projects and charged each client ₦15k. By the time I was done with school in 2016, I could afford to be independent. I rented an apartment with a friend during my service year, got a couple of gadgets and even became a recipient of “billing” from my younger sister and parents. I was doing my part as a man, and life was good. Or so I thought.
No one prepared me for the fact that I’d just entered a life-long rat race.
In 2017, I got my first official job after job hunting for three months. The pay was ₦95k/month, and I thought it was a good deal.
It would have been, but transportation costs and saving for house rent became the weapons fashioned against me every month.
Let’s not forget black tax, feeding and data. On paper, I was earning reasonably well for an entry-level 9-5er, but I was living from paycheck to paycheck. I was always broke by salary day.
In 2018, I added love to the mix, and my problems tripled. Suddenly, I had the responsibility of being an “intentional man” by randomly sending my girlfriend money and taking her on dates. No one needed to tell me that I had to start making more money.
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My search yielded success in late 2019 when I found another job, increasing my salary to ₦120k/month. For the first few months, it seemed like I was finally making enough to comfortably splurge on one or two things without worrying too much about it. But then the pandemic came in 2020 and took my job with it.
The six months I spent unemployed were one of the most uncertain periods of my life. Strangely enough, I also felt pockets of peace. There was this kind of relief that came with knowing I didn’t have to spend long days pretending to like work and my coworkers just because I needed money in my account.
I was broke, but it was the closest I’d been to peace in a long while. Maybe it was because I had my roommate to rely on or the fact that everyone became homebodies due to COVID, but I didn’t always feel the crushing need to have money to prove myself.
In late 2020, I got another job, and I’ve been at it since then. My monthly income has grown from ₦200k to ₦350k, but I still live from paycheck to paycheck. And no, I’m not living above my means. I’m a 28-year-old unmarried man living alone in a ₦450k/year Lagos apartment. I have only one girlfriend, and my black tax is not crazy. Yet I still feel poor.
The Nigerian economy has gotten so bad that I can’t even appreciate that I’m a slightly above-average earner. By the time monthly expenses attack my salary, it becomes a struggle to save ₦50k. I’m constantly on the lookout for better job and income opportunities, but when does it end?
There has to be more to life than pursuing money. I’ve chased money all my life, but I’m not happy, fulfilled or at peace. It’s as if money laughs at my efforts and has a thing against staying in my account.
Honestly, I’m tired. Sometimes I envy people in a coma — no struggle to make money. They can just be. I want to just be, too. But I can’t even tell my friends or partner because I’m a man. My worth is tied to how much I make and can provide.
We all know once we hit the mid-20s, it’s time to prepare for the “When will you marry?” question. Besides the regular “I’m not ready,” have you thought about replying with these things?
Your babe isn’t ready
Finding someone to marry you isn’t the problem. It’s just that they might already be in a relationship with someone else — like the person asking you the Jamb question.
You’re working on it
Telling people you’re working on it is a smart way to make them drop the topic. Because why is marriage a race? You’re not in a rush; nobody should rush you.
You’re waiting for God’s time
Say you’re still praying, and when God says yes, you’ll walk down the aisle. People love it when you involve God in everything.
There’s nothing in the streets
This is your honest truth. You’re the one who’s been in the streets for a long minute, so you know what’s out there. But no cause for alarm; news will disburse once you find your soulmate.
You’re busy finding 30 billion
Let your questionnaires know that marriage is sweet, but when there’s money, it’s sweeter. You need to have $30 billion in the bank first.
Tell them to find you a partner
If they’re so concerned about your marriage life, they should stop talking and find a babe for you.
It’s not your thing
People don’t even care to know if you want to be married or not. What if staying unmarried is your life goal? People should start considering that too. Do they need to be told first?
Is it a dealbreaker whether your partner is a throat goat or not? Seven Nigerian men share their deepest, darkest opinions about sex in relationships with Zikoko.
Laser*, 38, Lagos
Does sexual experience matter to you?
I’m very open to teaching my partner from scratch. I’m patient and always excited to teach.
What’s your ideal sexual experience?
One where we have a conversation before we meet up. We’re clear about expectations and what we’re open to. Then when we meet, we build up to it, letting the tension rise. Lots of foreplay and leading each other around our bodies, the erogenous zones, exploring kinky things we’re both into. Aftercare when we’re done, proper cuddling and conversations.
How important is sexual compatibility to you?
Extremely important. No matter how much I love a person, if sexual compatibility is absent, it’s a waste of time.
Is it a dealbreaker?
No. But she must have an adventurous mindset. It’s only if she’s rigid and not open to exploring that I’ll have an issue. That’s when it would be a dealbreaker.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
My first penetrative sex felt like an audition because she was the one with all the experience. She tried to relax me — I was open about my inexperience — but that didn’t stop me from feeling pressured. I did it with the mindset of someone who had something to prove, someone who needed to put on a world class performance.
I actually lasted, but omo, I was thrusting like my life was on the line. I don’t want to imagine what I looked like with all that concentration and determination. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, so we parted ways soon after.
Nicholas, 27, Ibadan
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
It’s something I think about, however briefly.
Ideal sexual experience?
Having some knowledge is a big plus. If she knows her body well enough that it’s not the blind leading the blind, that’s a good lower threshold. I have my basic practices, but everybody is different, so I expect to learn on the job as well.
Is lack of experience a dealbreaker?
Is this a thinly veiled body count question? I don’t consider lack of experience a dealbreaker. Too much might be, depending on how she acquired the XP (experience).
What’s too much?
After a certain age, being “too experienced” is expected. But if you move like Zidane in ’06, but you’re Messi in ’06, question marks on what necessitated such hypersexuality in your life. Aspects of your history will require a conversation.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
Sex is important, and it’s enjoyable for both parties. Therefore, anything that contributes to it is vital… so I’d say 8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
This one time, I was working from home because my girl and I had fought. I was trying to make amends, but the work day was nearly over, and she still wasn’t happy with me. Then in the middle of a meeting, she became frisky. Having to pause mid-stroke to unmute and give an update was funny.
Sambo*, 31, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
Not really. There are other factors to consider, like shared beliefs, values and interests or money habits.
Lack of sexual experience isn’t a deal breaker?
I don’t really have any. I always consider moderation. Someone who’s experienced might have issues getting along with someone who isn’t because they’ve been exposed to a level of kink they may desire at any time. To avoid stories that touch, let inexperienced people stick with fellow inexperienced people, abeg.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
I met this person for the first time, we hung out, and the connection was there. That same day, we found ourselves at my place. We had sex, and it was so good. I didn’t expect that on a first date, but I’ll take it.
Ola, 25, Oyo
Does sexual experience matter to you?
Yes. Bring your A game, abeg.
Your ideal sexual experience?
Sex with someone who hasn’t been everywhere. Too much experience can be a dealbreaker for me because what do I want to show you again?
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
9.
That one memorable sexual experience?
My partner was so good, it felt like she wanted to take my life. The foreplay and sex were intense because we both knew what to do, perhaps, too much.
Deji, 30, Abuja
Does sexual experience matter to you?
It’s a plus, but not a prerequisite. I don’t think anything is too much or less. If it’s on the low end, there’s the opportunity to teach her what I like. If it’s on the other end of the spectrum, there’s the opportunity for me to learn new things.
Your ideal partner?
One who’s willing to try new things and explore my body to discover what I like. She doesn’t have to be a pro.
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
Omo, I’ll give it an 8. However, sex isn’t everything, and I think compatibility can be worked on.
A memorable sexual experience?
I’ve had my fair share, but one that sticks is when the other person made mouth about their game then fell short. I had to shuffle between faking pleasure or hurting their feelings. I don’t know the film the babe watched, but she was biting me “there” and all over my body. She kept making animal sounds while she was doing it. I took the pain in good faith till we were done.
Sexual experience isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it’s nice to have someone who knows their shit. It’s also something that can be learnt, if you guys are on the same page.
Abisola, 33, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
When I was younger, it used to be at the top of my list. But now, I know you can teach your partner how to please you and vice versa.
Can you describe the ideal sexual experience?
I want to be sated at the end of every rump. And I hope to satisfy my partner too. That’s it for me.
Do you consider lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker in your relationship?
Well, not really. Whether she has too much sex or too little, there’s usually a reason for it. You don’t usually find partners with equal levels of sexual experience. The partner with more experience can teach the other who has less knowledge.
One can tell if their proposed partner has been in the streets for a long time. And frankly, that’s their business. As far as we both agree to be committed to each other, I’m good.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
6.
Juwon, 36, Sagamu
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
I don’t.
Do you consider the lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker?
It doesn’t matter to me like that. In fact, some of my relationships weren’t sexual.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
Let’s say 6.5.
Do you have an unforgettable sexual experience?
This supposed baddie I encountered freaked out after seeing my penis and decided to throw in the towel before the main event began.
To surprise a Nigerian man, you have to be meticulous in your planning. Try these tips if you’re sure you want to organise something that’ll blow your Nigerian boyfriend’s mind.
Plan a getaway
Let your man know it’s you and him for the weekend. No homeboys, no football, just hot couple enjoyment.
Surprise him on a weekend
This agbado era requires hard work around the clock, so chances are both of you would only be available on a weekend anyway. It’s also the one time he’s likely to follow along with your surprise.
Involve his friends
Let his friends know at least a week in advance. Carry them along in your plans, so they can clear their schedules and turn up for their guy’s surprise party.
Plan with his barber to give him a clean cut
Go to his barber and beg him to give your man a mad cut. You need him and his fades fine AF for you.
Tease him that all bills on you
Start teasing from home that you’re covering all the bills. He won’t think about a party but he’ll know he’s about to be spoiled.
Watch him be amazed
Make sure his friends get there earlier, and let him find himself in an ambush that turns into a party. Do this and you’ve done a fantastic job, so why won’t he be amazed?
Or just plan the whole thing in your head
It’s still the agbado era, which means you’re probably broke like the rest of us. Dreaming is free, and it’s the thought that counts.
With everything happening in Nigeria right now, from an inflated economy to a possible war with Niger, it’s possible that President Tinubu might move ahead with his popular “50 million youths recruitment into the army” statement in 2021. So, we’ve made a list of prospective military conscripts into the army.
Gym bros
With some of the weights these guys lift, there must be something they’re been preparing for that the rest of us don’t know about. If the military isn’t sure about where they should go first, iFitness is a good start.
Tall men
“African Giant” but we don’t have giants to scare enemies away. We have the next best thing sha; tall men . They’ll be the eyes of the military, and see above all our enemies.
Jobless men
Please, get the jobless men off the streets. Let idle hands become the army’s workshop.
Alpha males
“Men are protectors and providers” FC, it’s your time to shine. Traditional men too should grab their boots.
Hope the draft meets BBN housemate Pere at home, since he wanted to show soldiers how it’s done.
Short men
Short men are stubborn af. They won’t raise a white flag or accept defeat. They’d rather fight till death.
Nigerian politicians
There’s nothing to be afraid of. Let them defend the country they’ve been stealing profiting from.
Prayer warriors
To be honest, a battalion of prayer warriors can fight the battle alone. After all, the lord is their shield and has also trained their hands for war and their fingers for battle.
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of all forms.
A year after Olumide read Jude’s book, their friendship started. On this week’s #ZikokoMyBro, they share how their work brought them together. Now they’ve kept it together for 18 years and even co-wrote a book, despite living on different continents.
Take us to the beginning of this friendship. How long have you been friends?
Jude: I’ve known him since my first novel “Walking With Shadow” came out in 2005. But we connected in 2006.
Olumide: Yeah.
Jude: That makes it about 18 years now.
How did you guys meet?
Jude: Work. Olumide used to work with a human rights organisation that catered to the LGBTQ community. My novel tackled the presence of the LGBTQ community in Nigeria, and how it has been denied over the years.
Olumide: At the time when “Walking With Shadow” was written, anyone who did that would’ve been considered crazy. There was nobody within the writing space that would have written about a queer character and humanised them. So I read the book, and was like, “who is this crazy person that decided to write about a gay character?” It was quite good. Many of us could relate to the story — having to hide and pretend about who you’re.
A year or two later, I found out that Jude worked in the corporate sector. I thought it was interesting he had a day job, too. I was like, “this guy really has guts.”
Then I read his second book “Blackbird” to be sure he wasn’t a one-hit wonder writer. After that, I asked mutual friends to introduce us. From there, if we wanted to do anything creative at TIERs— the NGO I worked at — I reached to Jude to see if he wanted to contribute or be part of it. That’s how we started getting close.
What was your first impression of each other?
Jude: Deep respect. I found the work Olumide’s organisation was doing very important. If I wasn’t already steeped into the corporate world, I’d probably be in an NGO too.
Olumide: Before I met Jude the guy, I met the Jude the writer. At that time, I still looked at him from Blackbird’s point of view. I thought he’d be one of those queer writers who wrote about queer people but also wanted to be distant from the community. Well, I was wrong. He gave support. He gave his voice without turning himself into a frontline activist.
Away from his work as a writer, I found Jude to be very gentle. Any wahala, he doesn’t want. He creates a safe space for everyone; you can do your thing, and he can do his.
Jude: Wow, Olumide, thank you so much. I’m blushing here.
So when was the moment you bonded?
Olumide: I think this was 2014, when he left Nigeria.
What? But you’d been friends for almost a decade
Jude: We talked but hardly saw each other. I was out of Lagos every two weeks. We knew we could trust each other, which was why he was one of the people I discussed my relocation plans with.
But the bond started getting stronger around 2017. Olumide called me and told me about the birthday of one of our close friends in the UK. He wanted to surprise her and asked if I wanted to come. I was like, “sure” and jumped on a plane from Sweden to the UK.
Why did you leave Nigeria though?
Jude: I was just tired about the situation in Nigeria, and the fact that Jonathan was introducing a new law. As a public figure, especially if you don’t conform to societal ideas of what a man should be, it’s more difficult when you’re out queer and out. It was just uncomfortable for me. I went to the US first and lived there for a year before moving to Sweden, where I’m now a citizen.
How did you feel about Jude leaving Nigeria?
Olumide: At that time, we were all on the edge. Goodluck Jonathan was going to sign the SSMPA. I know staying back in a place like Nigeria that can become unsafe.
But going to start all over in another climate is also a very complex decision to make. I had that conversation with Jude about how being in a new terrain coud be difficult. But he knew he’d be okay by himself. He was a very soft guy, there wasn’t much worry.
Did it affect your friendship?
Jude: Our friendship is very difficult to categorise or put into a specific box. I don’t have to see Olumide every day to know he’s my friend.
Sometimes, we just text or call and catch up on what’s going on. To me, that’s real friendship. I’m a very private person, but if I can open up to you and talk about important things, then you know that I trust you. That’s the kind of friendship I have.
I don’t have too many friends, but friendships are special. We’re linked together, regardless of time, space or when we last saw each other and things like that. Olumide and I don’t see and chat all the time, but every time we catch up, we text or call for hours. So, that’s the only way I can describe the bonding.
Olumide: What you just said is very important because my friends know that I’m a very low-touch person. Sometimes, friends require a certain kind of performance. But not Jude and many of the people I’m very close to. I can go days without talking to Jude, but if there’s something important to do or talk about, I’d jump on the phone and have that conversation.
So, we have that understanding that there has to be space in togetherness. We have assurance in our friendship and feel very secure in it, even when we don’t see each other. We’ve even done a book together without having to see each other. It’s coming out on August 29, 2023.
How long have you guys gone without talking to each other?
Jude: My God. I think COVID-19 was the longest. I hardly spoke to people during COVID period. But the book kept us in. We’ve been running this book since 2017 or 2018.
Olumide: I think the book has actually kept us really close.
Jude: Because of that, we’ve been in each other’s lives. So yeah, we’ve been very much in contact the last five, six years.
This book must be a special one
Olumide: That doesn’t mean that we talk everyday. But it’s been one of the key things that makes our conversation very regular now. Before then, we caught up once in a while to talk.
Jude: I agree our best bonding experience was working on this book —we had a lot of ups and downs from figuring out what to put in the book and what to take out. It’s been nice.
Tell me about a time one person came through for the other?
Jude: I remember the amount of work he did to get my book “Walking with Shadows” to the screens in 2019. I thought it was almost impossible, but he came through. He was one of the hardest working producers on the project and raised the most money. He also coordinated people during the shoot of the film when the movie producer wasn’t around.
Also, he buys and recommends my books, and I get my royalties at the end of the day.
Olumide: I mean, I think it depends on how we look at times that people come through, but I remember when we invited him to Aké Festival, and he showed up. He was in Nigeria for almost a week.
Is there anything you would change about your friendship?
Olumide: It’d be great if we see more in person and talk over things that have happened in our private lives. For example, when I had my son, I wished I could talk to you about what that was like and all.
Jude: I think I was one of the first people you even told you have a kid.
Olumide: If we lived in the same city, you’d have been in the house the next day.
What’s one thing you’ve always wanted the other person to know?
Jude: I think I’ve told Olumide this already; leave Nigeria and move to London. Anyway, I love when he posts photos of his home and his outfits. That’s what I miss about Nigeria. I think we are much more adventurous with male fashion. Olumide has a good taste in clothing. So yeah, I’ve never told you that before.
Olumide: I like the way Jude disappears. I feel like he’s in control of how he engages the world. Jude isn’t on Twitter or IG all the time. He’s living and breathing. Jude is doing things. I really like that because I feel like it gives a lot of people some time to reflect and introspect. So you have enough time for yourself and I really appreciate that. One of the things I appreciate about him is his calmness and self-awareness. He carefully picks his words. He’s very grounded in himself. I appreciate somebody who is soft, but still bold.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
Growing up as a boy in Nigeria, there are some experiences you can’t escape simply because of acting your age, trends or peer pressure. Which of these things do you remember?
Super Strikas
This football comic book series was the go-to whenever boredom hits. Who is Messi when Shegs Okoro was the best baller ever? 30+ men know.
Wikipedia
Football scars
Do you remember limping because of football injuries but hiding it from mummy? When she eventually sees it, the injury is much worse than it should be, and you’d still chop cane. Especially if you’re holding or pushing her hand away while treating your wounds.
You (obviously lying): It’s not paining me again.
Mummy:
Barbing skin
As a youngster, Nigerian parents will always block your swag. You’re not an obedient or serious boy in Nigerian parents’ eyes if they can’t see the middle of your head. If only you could cash-out every time they said “fine boy” after being forced to barb gorimaps, you’d have been a millionaire since your teens.
Your sibling’s oversized clothes
From the coat your older sibling wore to a wedding no one remembers and passed down to you for your primary school graduation, to their secondary school uniform, every Nigerian child knows mummy won’t buy any new clothes when it’s not Christmas.
First crush
There’s always that one girl whose mum has a shop on your street or the one in your class that you liked so much, all your friends say you never shut up about her.
Trying to grow a beard with spirit
Once senior secondary school started, all that was on our mind was how to grow the three hair strands on our chin into a shiny black goatee we can pull while commanding juniors anyhow. We wasted all the cotton wool in the house before we realised methylated spirit is a disinfectant, not a fertiliser.
Bootcut
Before everyone argued with their moms and tailors about the trousers with thin bottoms, what was in vogue were those trousers that can easily swallow two Health 5 balls right at its bottom.
Pencil/skinny jeans
Before baggies started becoming trendy again, pencil was the star boy that took its shine. If you’re not careful, your tailor will overdo it and you’ll have to wear nylon like socks before your trousers can fit.
Sagging
Long before Naira Marley and the “100 trousers, zero belt” slogan, it was believed sagging originated from prison culture. Can you remember all the times you were beaten for letting your boxers breathe?
Running to game centers
Bro, we can’t really rate your street credibility if you never played Konami at onile’s shop (owner’s shop) while growing up as a young boy. If you’re onile’s fave, he might even let you play a free game. In fact, it probably got to a point where your mum asked the onile to always send you away whenever he sees you.
Trigger Warning: This story contains descriptions of violence and abuse against women, including murder. If you are sensitive to these themes or have experienced trauma related to these topics, please be aware that this story may be triggering. For more information or support, please visit here.
A quote by the women’s rights activist Zainab Salbi goes, “It seems that violence against women has been tolerated for so long that the world has become numb to it”. Unfortunately, this rings true particularly in Nigeria, as every year we see countless cases of violence and abuse that claim the lives of women, yet mere hours later, society carries on as if nothing has happened.
On July 17, 2023, popular Nigerian punter Benjamin Best, also known as Killaboi, confessed to the murder of his girlfriend, Augusta Osedion. According to him, he “mistakenly” stabbed her to death during an argument and fled the scene out of fear.
But what makes this case even more disturbing is that, in Killaboi’s Instagram confession, possibly seeking public sympathy, he described the relationship as toxic and disclosed his ongoing battle with suicidal thoughts since the incident.
Unfortunately, we are all well aware that if we were in a society that worked, Killaboi should already be facing the full force of the law.
Now, women are again being reminded that the world isn’t safe for them. Let’s take a look at a few women who had partners who brutally murdered them in the previous year.
Ogochukwu Anene, January 2023
On January 11, 2023, news broke of how Ogochukwu Anene, a mother of five, was allegedly beaten to death by her husband over a loaf of bread. According to their first child, an argument broke out when Ogochukwu asked her husband, Ndubisi, why he finished the bread without leaving some for the children.
In a fit of rage, the man responded by beating her with a mirror, which resulted in her bleeding internally, and she died a few days later in the hospital. Unfortunately, there have been no tangible updates on whether or not Ndubisi paid for his crimes.
Nana was a 38-year-old woman allegedly murdered by her 56-year-old husband, Aminu Abubakar. A statement from the Police Headquarters in Yola revealed that Aminu had heard that Nana had plans to get married to another man the next day, and in a jealous fit, he hit her on the head with a pestle, causing her to fall unconscious. She was later proclaimed dead.
Aminu was arrested by the Police of the Shagari Divisional Headquarters, and investigations are ongoing.
Esther Aya, January 2022
On January 8, 2022, Ovye Yakubu allegedly beat his wife, Esther, to death during an argument over fixing a window net. According to a family member, Ovye attempted to stop the carpenter that his wife had hired from fixing the net, but she persisted on the carpenter finishing his job. This enraged the man, who resorted to assaulting his wife, leading to her death.
Evelyn Alifiya, February 2022
Evelyn’s husband, Joseph Wisdom, strangled her before the police discovered her body on the apartment floor on February 23, 2022. Reportedly, the couple had been having issues for a while, and Joseph had constantly threatened to kill his wife.
However, arrangements were being made by Evelyn’s family for her to leave the house, but things came to a head when she found a gun in Joseph’s bag. She had plans to report this to the police, but he found out and killed her before she could.
According to the FCT Police Spokesperson, Josephine Adeh, the husband has been apprehended, and hopefully justice will be served.
Itunu Chigozie, March 2022
Itunu, pregnant with a child, died after a series of assaults from her husband, Bonus Emmanuel Chigozie, who works as a Master of Ceremonies (MC). Reportedly, Itunu was abused repeatedly during the four-year marriage. On March 10, 2022, after being allegedly assaulted again, she was rushed to the hospital, but neither she nor the baby survived. And Emmanuel has neither been arrested nor prosecuted for his crime yet.
Mercy Samuel, April 2022
Mercy was a 23-year-old mother of two who lived with her husband, Matthew, in Jos. However, she died brutally at his hands when he allegedly ripped open her stomach and disembowelled her during an argument. He also took her phone so she couldn’t call for help, and although she was found and rushed to the hospital, she eventually died. Matthew is still on the run and has yet to be found.
Osinachi Nwachukwu, October 2022
Osinachi was the voice behind the hit gospel song “Ekwueme”, which captured the hearts of many churchgoers. However, she tragically passed away at 42, and it was revealed that she had been a victim of domestic violence for many years.
Despite what her husband and manager, Peter, initially led the media to believe that she died from lung cancer, the late Osinachi’s first son disclosed that his mother died from the injuries she had sustained from the abuse. Peter had allegedly kicked her in the chest, which resulted in a blood clot that eventually led to her death. Currently, Peter is being remanded at Kuje Prison and is awaiting judgement.
According to the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Agency (DSVA), 2,543 cases of abuse were reported between January and September 2022; about 2,340 were women. Also, according to a 2020 report from the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC), about 81,000 women and girls died worldwide, with an intimate partner or family member being responsible for 58% (47,000) of these deaths.
Clearly, if there has ever been a time to be angry, it’s now. Nigeria and Nigerians need to change at the core of our being; we must be empathetic towards women and their struggles.
One sad trend that can be noticed when issues like these arise is how the victims are blamed and excuses are given for the man’s actions.
Women don’t deserve to die because you think they’re “rude”, “loud”, “immoral”, or “materialistic”. When cases like this happen, it’s not the time to tell or advise women on how to be “better” daughters, friends, wives, or girlfriends.
From birth, much energy is put into educating girls on how to survive in “a man’s world”. But, it’s high time that society channel some of that energy into teaching boys to be better humans.
Not every time pulling out a ring in the middle of a market square or proposing in NYSC camp. Spice things up with these Zikoko-approved marriage proposal ideas.
Make a Nollywood epic
Act like you’re unconscious or dead, and let your babe cry for 60 seconds before you resurrect like Undertaker and propose. Rough play, but everyone will understand once they see the ring.
Invite your partner over for lunch, treat them to yellow eba with their favourite soup and assorted meat. Then watch their face burst with joy as they dig fingers in and find the ring.
Just tell them
This involves the most minimal conversation. Ask your partner if they know what “fiancée” is, then tell them with the straightest face that it’s their new position.
Someone told me this is how Nigerian men propose and I’ve been creasing ever since! 😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/r8hAIa9Gxg
Take your babe for a drive. When you get to a major highway, just pack in the middle to cause traffic. Get out of the car, and when your partner gets down to see what’s happening, take out the ring. Watch people switch from insulting your life to saying congratulations.
Organise a football match
Gather your guys for a friendly match on your local field, and beg them to allow you to score a goal. After scoring, run to celebrate with your babe. Then pull the ring out like this guy:
This is the best marriage proposal you'll ever see. I hope Nigerian girls see this to know y'all don't necessarily have to be dramatic.😒 pic.twitter.com/bbNZUgMuX9
It’s not strange for a child to admire and want to be like his father. Apples don’t fall too far from the tree, but how many of these traits are learnt or unconsciously adopted? These Nigerian men share their stories.
“I don’t really socialise, and I suck at communicating” — Mayowa, 32, Lagos
I personally didn’t see the parallel traits, beyond the complexion of my skin, until puberty set in. I’m a mirror image of my father now. Our physical resemblance serves as an identifier within influential circles where my father is well-known. But the flip-side is it’s challenging to establish my identity when others perceive you solely as Mr. X’s son.
But it’s not just our physical appearances. We’re both pragmatic and introverted, which has its drawbacks. Asking for help, networking and socialising don’t come naturally to individuals like me. I make a conscious effort to introduce spontaneity into my life. I recently put a permanent reminder on my calendar, labelled “Call Dad” — a gentle nudge to prioritise regular communication.
“We both go on a rampage when we’re angry” — Bright, 21, Lagos
When I was about nine years old, I noticed my dad had anger issues. He has a short temper and gets furious very quickly. Growing up, I’ve noticed I do things to the extreme when I’m angry too. Like one time in 2021, I was in a heated argument with my sister because of something she did, and it got to the point where I smashed her phone on the floor. But I’m working on controlling my emotions now. I try not to react immediately to anything; I’m learning to be more patient with people. And when I have the opportunity, therapy is something that’s prominent in my mind because I’ve seen my dad’s attitude to his anger issues — he’s not phased by it all but we’ve kind of grown to live with it.
“We overlook things a lot” — Femi, 29, Lagos
My behaviour and mannerisms are closely linked to how my father handles things. He hardly takes offense. During NYSC in 2018, I met different types of people who’d annoy me a lot, but I had an impressive level of restraint. I kept thinking this is what my dad would do. Ironically, he gets inflamed by what you’d consider petty; like slippers scattered around, little dirt unpacked. No one else in my family is like that. Just him and I.
“We can’t ask for help” — Anonymous, 26, Osogbo
I can’t seem to ask for help from people, no matter how dire the situation. I found this out pretty early and chucked it up to my introversion until I was 15. That’s when I noticed my father is like that too. At a time we went through some rough patch at home, I saw him grind through it alone and quietly. I don’t think it’s a pride thing; I’d attribute it to over-independence.
I was surprised when I noticed our similarities because I always thought we were totally different. I think weighing the costs of this “over-independence” every time I need to ask for help goes a long way towards navigating it. When I think about the people who could be affected, I tend to ease up and speak up.
“We both have retentive memories” — Stephen, 59, Oyo
My father (of blessed memory) liked to sing or recite the Oriki of everyone who passed through the front of our house. My father knew the Oriki of every Yoruba names and towns; l’m also good at that. I noticed these traits in me when l was young. I even released an album in 2023. Just like me now, he also dressed well and abhorred dirt.
“I might die helpless if I don’t start opening my mouth” — Babatunde, 26, Akure
I never thought much about it until I was 22 years old in 2019. The country’s economy was struggling, but things were harder at home. I felt like why were my siblings and I even born if our parents wouldn’t take care of us like they should. I always thought with the number of important people my father had as contacts on his phone, there was no way we’d go through hard times.
Fast forward to 2022, I quit my first job and started looking for fresh opportunities, but nothing came. Everything was choking me. Then, a random check-in on a friend turned into an extensive conversation, and I had to come clean that I was jobless. We came up with a solution that helped for a while, but then, I thought to myself, “This is the same thing I correct daddy about. I might die helpless if I don’t start opening my mouth.”
“I don’t want to make mistakes around people” — Micah, 35, Anambra
I’m always trying to be on people’s good sides, especially within the family. I don’t want to make mistakes around anyone or offend them. Whether I’m the wronged person in a situation or not, it’s like I just want you to love me. I’m still trying to figure out what type of hell I’ve found myself in, but this is a major trait I share with my dad, and I think about it every hour of the day.
No matter how old you are, Nigerian parents never stop seeing you as a child. If you like, let your beard be fuller than Chewbacca’s. They remain strict and if you still live at home, your curfew still stands. So, if they still won’t give you your deserved respect, you have to take it by force, try these things.
Drink with your dad
Start going bar hopping with your dad. Nothing bonds two people faster more than conversations while drinking. or you can try drinking together at home and bantering like agemates while getting shit-faced. They’re bound to start showing you some respect when they see that you can hold your liquor.
Or pick up his mannerisms
The earlier your parents start seeing themselves in you, the quicker they realise you’re grown up too. Real recognise real.
Bring your partner home for a sleepover
Just introducing your partner to them will never be enough. Bring them to your parent’s house to spend the night. You need to start doing things that’ll make your parents wonder where you got your audacity from.
You’re the man of your own house now. They probably already want you out of their house sef.
Become a father
When people start calling you “Baba Kunle” or “Mama Nkechi” the same way they’re your parents since they had you. You can finally have some respect on your name.
Bribe them
Something has to give. If they won’t dance to your tune, give them money. Everyone likes money.
Be a disappointment
Nigerian parents become disappointed in you when you start making your decisions they don’t like. Get that tattoo, be okay with being a disappointment and live a happy life.
“Can you come over?” is an innocent four-word question people have reinterpreted to mean “booty call”.
While it won’t be easy to change the public’s view, Nigerian men don’t always mean it that way. They might actually want these things instead.
Your presence as a present
Out of sight is out of mind. They want to prevent that.
To make you fall in love
When Nigerian men really like you, they’ll dedicate all their free time to getting to know you better. A sleepover gives them all the time in the world to look dreamily into your eyes and ignite that spark in you too.
Loyalty tactic
This is a move they’ve devised to show your chasers that you’re taken and not for the streets.
To be treated like babies
Nigerian men crave the baby boy treatment. They want to be able to lay their head on your chest throughout the night. Their exterior may say “hard guy”, but deep down:
A cautionary survey
They want to know your sleeping habits. Do you snore like a frog, ramble in your sleep or sleepwalk? They don’t write these things on the forehead, you know.
To check if you’re a prayer warrior
Another reason why Nigerian men love sleepovers so much is because they get to do night vigils with you, spend the weekend together and end up in church on Sunday. Is it not our elders that say couples who pray together, stay together? We talk to God in this house, dear.
Nothing at all
They just need someone they like around them, but if you offer them the other thing, they’d still appreciate it and proceed to eat it like grocery.
The odds of hearing about a cis Nigerian man curling his toes from prostate pleasure is minimal. But we all know homophobia is the reason the “male g-spot” doesn’t rank high for many cis men, but it’s a hit if you’re adventurous enough to try it.
I’m not trying to impose, but this might just be the new level of sexual pleasure you want to unlock.
First off, what’s the “male g-spot”?
It’s also called the p-spot (prostate spot), but how are cis men to be convinced this is another way to get mind-blowing orgasms if we don’t borrow the “g-spot” from the female sexual design? As the name implies, it’s a sexually sensitive walnut-sized gland that’s just located below the bladder.
The sweet spot
The prostate can be found approximately two inches inside the rectum. It can be stimulated in two different ways, it all balls down to your comfort. You can stimulate externally by rubbing the perineum (a sensitive, erogenous zone between the testicles and anus). Or internally through the rectum, the most direct way.
You might not believe this, but the prostate has almost the same level of sensitivity that the clitoris does. It’s a full-body orgasm ting, bro.
Are you with me?
Eunuch aren’t left out
Demasculinization is the removal of testicles and suppression of male hormones, which is what eunuchs have to do to be, you know, eunuchs. But even they aren’t left out of prostate enjoyment.
Has nothing to do with your sexuality
The male g-spot doesn’t have jack to do with your sexual orientation. Defeat the toxic masculinity, and talk to your partner about it. What’s a hot sex life without explorations?
Set the mood
You want to be fully relaxed and aroused to enjoy the utmost prostate pleasure. It’s totally up to you, but things like a hot shower, foreplay, sensual massages will keep the balls jiggling.
Always be prepared
Once you’ve made up for it, your safety and comfort are next. Clean fingers, short nails, lube. Don’t do anything without water-based lube (the best) or lube shooter (if that’s preferred) — solo or with a partner.
Baby steps
Start slowly. Gently rub and stroke your perineum, try different speeds for different sensations. Iskelebebetiolebebe.
Try a prostate massager
If you’re comfortable enough, why not? Prostate massagers are more available than you think. Do your research, homeboy.
Fear of bowel movement?
It’s a valid question, especially for a first-time explorer. Shit happens, sometimes. Have wipes nearby, just in case.
Breathe and enjoy
Your body’s natural reaction to a prostate massage will probably be to hold in a bit of tension. Try relaxing the body and muscles. Don’t hold your breath, slowly inhale and exhale. Don’t unalive yourself before your time.
Let’s talk about what men do when their significant others aren’t home, shall we? Seven Nigerian men open up to us about how they spend their time when they’re home alone.
“Everything annoys me when my wife’s gone for too long” — Kabir, 28, Lagos
We’ve been married for 11 months. My wife hasn’t travelled since we got married, but I do , once in a while, because I’m a civil engineer. If she travels for a few days , I’ll probably appreciate the freedom of being alone because we’re always in the same space. Audio and video calls will be constant sha. But anything wey pass one week, I’ll start missing her. I don’t even see a situation where we’re apart for more than a week. If it somehow happens, I’ll spend my time hanging out with my friends, but knowing myself, I’ll just start getting angry because I miss her.
“I’m constantly in touch through calls and messages” — Ayo, 34, Chicago
Just having someone you love around is special. But one can’t have her around all the time because of work. My woman is only around for less than 30% of the time. When she isn’t around, there’s more time with the boys, work and TV. But I’m also constantly in touch through calls and text, to manage the lack of presence.
“I read or write and compose music” — Feyi, 40, Akure
If my wife takes a trip with her work colleagues, I get a bit jealous. If she travels alone, I have anxiety because of safety concerns. I love her so much, if possible, she’d be with me all the time. When she has to travel for a long time, video calls help a lot. Alternatively, I stay at home (I’m an introvert) and read or write and compose music.
“I bury myself in work and use music as therapy” — Ife, 29, Lagos
There’s a whole lot of difference when she’s not around. Omo, I dey miss her die. Her touch, presence, food. My wife is the owner and manager of our house, so it’s not the same without her. But I’m never jealous because I know she’s coming back. So in the meantime, I’m home alone, and it’s mostly fast food while I bury myself in work and use music as therapy.
“I take care of the kids with the nanny” — Ifeanyi, 37, Port Harcourt
Having someone to gossip and share moments with, her cooking, kisses and warm hugs — I miss all that. My kids feel it when she’s not around, but I think it affects me the most. I focus on tending to the kids, with the help of the nanny, and I listen to lots of music.
“I stay home, watch a movie, work or cook.” — Demola, 30, Lagos
When you’ve been with someone for so long, there’s an uneasiness you feel when they’re not around — especially for long periods. Luckily, my wife and I are homebodies, so even when we have to go out, we’re both thinking of the quickest possible way to return home. We hardly sleep out or keep late nights.
When she’s around, there’s this unexplained ease I feel just knowing there’s someone I can occasionally snuggle and strike the most random conversations with, hug when I need her or get her to distract me when the pressure from work is mounting. Think of the sudden emptiness you feel when PHCN takes the light; it’s what I feel when she’s not around. I stay home, watch a movie, work or cook. In fact, just some days ago, she mentioned how reassuring it is to know that she can always return home from an outing and I’ll be there.
“Things are boring when she’s not around” — Adeola, 31, Ogbomoso
We’ve been running a business together for a few years now, so we used to stay in the office together, always in each other’s face. We even got on each other’s nerves sometimes. But we recently had to expand, and she’s started managing our new branch. It’s quite difficult adjusting to her not being with me at our old branch, so I sometimes make her skip work because things are boring when she’s not around.
It creates a vacuum at home too; the house gets bigger, and I get angry because everything seems boring. I try to watch a movie, but I still feel her absence because she’s the type to always ask questions, so the silence feels awkward. I don’t cook or eat in the house when my wife’s not around because we always eat from the same plate, and I don’t feel comfortable eating alone anymore. The only thing that keeps my mind distracted from her absence is comedy skits from my favourite comedians on social media. I prefer when we go out, have fun and see places together.
Nigerian men getting accolades from foreign women isn’t new but it’s getting more popular than before. Video clips of women from other countries, hailing them for their skills in romance and sexual prowess are all over the internet.
Nigerian men are like the biblical prophets that aren’t loved in their own land, but somewhere else.
Agenda or not, we investigated and these are probably the reasons why Nigerian men’s stocks have been skyrocketing abroad and the women there are rushing to buy.
Most persistent
Give it up for Nigerian men’s persistence. Tell them you’re engaged or use your husband’s pic as your DP, Nigerian men still won’t be deterred. They want what they want. Other men sit tight when they hear Nigerian men.
They’re good actors
If these men aren’t acting out scripts for these foreign women that love them, why do Nigerian women drag them even if it’s 3 AM?
Someone said Nigerian men are forming saints because of strict laws abroads.
Because y’all treat abroad women better. There is a system in place to fuck you up when you maltreatment a woman abroad! But in Nigeria, y’all give the bottom barrel behavior to nigerian women. https://t.co/sQoYb9Qux2
— 🧚♀️Oluwadamilolatikiitan🧚♀️ (@princess_shewah) June 18, 2023
Billionaire onye ji cash
Nigerian men strongly believe in the power of money to keep relationships. They’re well-known big spenders that spare nothing when it comes to spoiling women. Isn’t that valid enough reason to become intercontinental darlings?
Intense penising must be Nigerian men’s default feature. If not, foreign women won’t jump at any chance to affirm that the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Another proof all the way from Asia.
What Nigerian men have done to the international community is not good ooo 😭😭 pic.twitter.com/DMCpBlOUG5
When you start buying too much into your own hype, you get less in touch with reality. How can it not be a delusion if Nigerian women don’t agree with their foreign counterparts?
Nigerian men’s PR is soo bad 😭😭because how is my dad sitting me down to tell me nigerian men are bad for me and i should stay clear of them
Because Nigerian men typically treat foreign women with more care than they do Nigerian women. Nigerian women are expected to jump through hoops to be chosen & they are also expected to live with way too many shortcomings that is not expected of foreign women. https://t.co/di5BTz7Gnm
Maybe it’s just some heavy, organisedPR we’re seeing lately.
But two truths can coexist, right?
Let’s go argue it out.
When Nigerian women say “Nigerian men treat foreign women better” the important context that’s always missing is that foreign women “treat Nigerian men better too” Different expectations + experiences = different outcomes.
Nigerian men have audacity. That “I’ve to see it through, my boy” type of audacity. But at the sudden mention of blind dates, they lose sight of the endgame.
They may argue that it’s not a popular concept in Nigeria and say they’re not desperate for love, but we know actual reasons why they avoid it.
They like making their own decisions
If you like, know Nigerian men best, know what satisfies them and what turns them on and off, they’ll twist it and say you don’t think they’re decisive. To them, that’s putting their eggs in someone else’s basket in their book. Best to leave them to their ultimate search for love.
They’re on all the dating apps
Blind dates aren’t Nigerian men’s cup of tea. Everything is easier now, they can just hop on RCCG’s ConnectNow and swipe till they find their spec.
Likely to meet an ex
Men that have slept with the whole Nigeria. Especially Abuja and Lagos men. They won’t go on blind dates because the chances that it’s a babe they’ve ghosted is high.
Everywhere is hard
Where’s the money? In these agbado times? The cost of living is too high to risk it. They’re blind to blind dates.
Nigerian men think of themselves as odogwu and king of boys, but they can’t handle rejection. Ego gets bruised and they start asking if they’re not good-looking enough and start showing banks accounts. These same men on blind dates?
Avoid becoming Twitter gist
Nothing sends cold shivers down a man’s spine more than scenes where his date goes on Twitter to sew threads about the experience. The fear of dragging is the beginning of wisdom.
Forming hard guy
Blind dates are for hopeless romantics. Small heartbreak, Nigerian men can’t take. The way they say “is it love we’ll eat?”, “money over everything,” you’ll realise 24 hours isn’t enough time for them to think about money. But the truth is, they’re just running from heartbreak.
Artistes are stepping up and sharing personal experiences about mental health, which is bringing the topic into the spotlight and inspiring others to open up too.
June is men’s mental health month and though it may come as news to some men, we hope it becomes a normalised culture that won’t need reminder at its time. Here are a few deep-cut songs,with themes around mental health that men should listen to.
Trigger Warning: there are mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts.
Duade — Show Dem Camp ft. Cina Soul
In 2019, SDC released its classic album, Clone Wars IV: These Buhari Times; an audio-documentary of the Nigerian political, cultural and mental ecosystem. The fourth track, Duade, (featuring Ghanaian singer-songwriter Cina Soul,) explores the topic of masculinity and depression. Tec opens the song with a message about how men in this part of the world don’t have an outlet to talk and often grow up thinking it’s wrong to express themselves emotionally or be vulnerable.
A Self Evaluation of Yxng Dxnzl — M.I Abaga ft. Niyola
This song starts with a voice note of M.I’s mum telling him to always do the right things and not forget where he comes from and. But all M.I wants to do is “drink, fuck, smoke, chill, party all day still,” with an admission that he’s been battling a deep depression and can be the worst guy sometimes.
This song comes from his most vulnerable piece of art, Yxng Dxnzl (A Study on Self Evaluation). Across the ten-track album, listeners experience the rapper at his most human and honest form, tying mental health awareness with his personal journey, insecurities and short samples of his therapy sessions at the end of each song.
Wetin We Gain — Victor AD
Wetin We Gain was of the biggest hits of 2018. Apart from its catchy chorus and relatability, different meanings (like quick wealth and internet scams) have been attached to the song, in opposition to its actual message; a cry to the heavens for a breakthrough. But it’s even deeper. The most memorable lines of the song expresses the daily fear of average Nigerian men, who feel pressure to be the breadwinners of their families.
I’m A Mess — Omah Lay
After his latest release, Boy Alone Deluxe, we can all agree Omah Lay is the current Nigerian poster boy for vulnerability and emotional travails. On I’m A Mess, he deeply expresses his broken heart, sadness, and finding escape in liquor. Baring age and gender, everyone can relate to this song due simplicity, both in production and lyricism.
It’s Okay To Cry — Yinka Bernie ft. Joyce Olong
Nigerian multidisciplinary artist Yinka Bernie accurately describes the feeling of being stuck; an experience that a lot people today can relate to, on Joyce Olong-assisted It’s Okay To Cry. Inspired by personal experiences which made Bernie doubt his music career; he soothes listeners with an encouraging message of hope and the acceptance of vulnerability “it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel lost inside.” This song feels like reassurance in audio form.
Alpha Ojini’s Tears Are Salty For A Reason EP is filled with deep cuts tracks of vulnerability, but Odeshi explores masculinity and mental health profoundly. Ogranya lays a chorus that expresses bottling up tears and other emotions, and Alpha details struggling with mom’s demise and the ‘manly’ approach his tough dad gave him to deal with the long-time grief. All of this is coupled with the mental stress of surviving Nigeria and an ex serving him breakfast. Ogranya ends the song with “I go still commit” which translates to taking one’s own life; an expression of the last resort if the darkness doesn’t stop hovering over him. It’s a powerful record that reminds one why mental health is important and issues shouldn’t be bottled.
A Song About Suicide (Mr. Babalawo Reprise) — PayBac iBoro
Nigerian rapper PayBac iBoro has been a big advocate of mental health since he made an official entry into the Nigeria music industry in 2015. On his 2018 album, The Biggest Tree (his present to all depressed West African kids), is A Song About Suicide. PayBac expresses strong suicidal thoughts and his final wishes after he’s gone, over a dark fusion of Afrobeats, African percussion, trumpets sounds — all instruments you’d find at interments. Overall, the song is based on his fight to hold tightly to life and his beloved family and friends.
Dance In The Rain — 2face Idibia
This is one of 2Baba’s greatest recordings. A record that pushes a message of deep appreciation for life and enjoying it, taking every breath of air, being present in the moment and staying open to possibilities. In a period like this, this song is a good refresher and great reminder to chin up and stay positive.
How Bad Could It Be — Burna Boy
Off of Burna Boy’s 2022 album Love, Damini, this song opens with the voices of U.K singer Jorja Smith, Nigerian boxer Kamaru Usman, dropping statements about self-control; and making rational decisions during intense situations. Burna Boy glides on the guitar and laid-back beat that accompanies it, singing about the punctures of anxiety and dreadful feeling of searching for answers in the wrong places.
take a break — Odunsi (The Engine)
Odunsi talks about his mom’s constant complaints about his absence from home. But she needs to understand he’s been busy working hard to achieve success and make her proud. If he’s not making things happen for himself, who else will? These are some of the mentally-challenging situations inspired by his personal experience, the song encourages resting and recharging to avoid burnout.
Don’t let your 9-5 or business make you miss out on the softest parenting experience. If you’re considering being a stay-at-home dad, and you need convincing, this is the right place.
PS: Points work best when your wife is a millionaire.
Overcome patriarchy
When you become a stay-at-home dad, you can stop crying about being the breadwinner. Slowly, you’ll break-free from the shackles of societal expectations of men.
Let your woman breathe
Take the role, and let her finally have time to focus on her dream job or having several girls night outs.
No more paying bills
No more school fees, housing or feeding bills resting on your shoulders. Let your breadwinner wife worry about those things.
If you’re so damn good at your stay-at-home dad role, you might never worry about working for capitalism again. You get to work for your family instead, and what’s more fulfilling than that?
You won’t miss milestone moments
Work trip on kids’ birthdays? No more. Meetings during family events? Bye-bye.
You’ll be present now and can finally stop complaining about how you miss important events because you’re grinding for what they’ll eat.
Learn basic life skills
You never know when actually knowing how to cook can make you a world record holder. You also have all the time in the world to learn how to clean up after yourself and other people, nurture a child and sing/produce nursery rhymes.
Become a full-time video-gamer
You get to play your video games during school time. And you could even make some money and recognition on the side. Win-win.
Fill a special content creation gap
Use your rich wife’s money to buy a mic, camera, ring-light and everything else vloggers use these days to create TikTok and YouTube shows. Then wake other men up to this new life with your stay-at-home chronicles.
…eight Nigerian men share how they marked the special day.
“I spent time gisting with him (my father)” — Ayodeji, 27, Lagos
I visited my dad with fruits and spent time gisting with him — he always gives me the tea around stuff going on in the family, life advice and just general gist. I also spent a good part of the day on Twitter and Instagram, where I saw some people’s negative and positive experiences with their fathers. Reading the stories made me appreciate mine more and cherish the moments spent with him.
“I celebrated at home” — Feyisayo, 40, Akure
I’m an introvert, so I was indoors with my family after Sunday service. In the morning, my wife and children presented a gift to me and told me how much they appreciate me. That’s perfect for me.
“My wife spoilt me with food” — Opeyemi, 32, Lagos
I went to church. Then, my wife took me to get a burger. At home, she made white rice and turkey stew for me. Even though I thought I was just doing my thing, my family and friends said I’ve been killing it, and the kind words got me emotional.
“I spent the day at work” — Ifeanyi, 37, Port Harcourt
I was at work, where I posted my kids’ pictures on socials, like I do every Father’s Day. I got some lovely messages from friends and family too, and it felt awesome.
“I spoke to my kid and had some wine” — Imoh Umoren, 40, Lagos
I video-called my kid; I work in Nigeria, and he’s in the U.S. He wished me Happy Father’s Day. Then, I opened a bottle of wine because it’s not easy. My father died when I was a teenager, so I had no chance to buy him anything. The day made me a bit sober as I contemplated the efforts I’ve put into fatherhood.
“It was a reassuring day of love for me” — Vikky, late 30s, Lagos
Unfortunately, my wife and daughter travelled on the day, but we spent the whole time before the flight taking memorable pictures. My wife’s passion and vibe mean so much to me. She made sure to tell me she appreciates my effort, reassuring me of how much she loves and cares for me. It was awesome, special, and I felt like a baby.
“I was in class for most of the day” — Femi, 29, Lagos
I had to attend my postgraduate lectures that day. But there was a huge outpouring of love for my dad in the family group chat. It felt warm, and I’m glad. I think I might’ve underrated how much I love my dad.
“I enjoy fatherhood now” — Nath, 26, Ogbomoso
I tried to run away from fatherhood — I had my kid when I was still a child myself, and it was strange for me — but it’s a thing of joy now. There was little or no time for us because I just started uni. Now, we spend more time together, and I’m happy about it. We didn’t do anything special this Father’s Day, but seeing fathers get their annual flowers was great.
My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Dubem and Felix have been friends for over 20 years, even though they didn’t speak to each other for almost a decade. In this episode of #ZikokoMyBro, they talk about starting a rap group as teenagers, falling for the same girl in university and the tragic loss that reunited them again in 2020.
Let’s start from the very beginning. How did you guys meet?
Dubem: We attended the same secondary school back in 1997. Felix was my older brother’s school son. It was a boarding school, my first time away from home, and my brother introduced us because he wanted someone to look out for me.
Felix: You were supposed to be my school son even though I was in JSS 2. But I knew you’d give me plenty wahala from the moment we met.
What were your first impressions of each other?
Dubem: Felix was a busybody. I come from a strict home, so being in boarding school was my first taste of freedom. I was among the most popular boys in JSS 1, skipping class and attending every social night. However, Felix was always there to tattletale on visiting days. He’d come over to my family and play the tape of all I’d been doing. I couldn’t stand him.
Felix: I thought he was a spoiled brat. I come from a family where we didn’t have much, so I understood responsibility early on. He was wasting his time gallivanting around instead of focusing on school. In hindsight, that freedom to be himself away from home must’ve been an enormous relief. I admit that I took my school father thing a little too seriously.
It wasn’t until I got into SS 1 that we finally connected and became friends.
How did you guys connect?
Felix: Rap music.
Come again?
Felix: Yes, rap music o. This was the 1990s, and rap music was the biggest thing. Everyone thought they could be MCs, and I used to write bars and freestyle in private.
Dubem: I didn’t think he was cool until I heard him rapping DMX’s Get at Me Dog one day. I’ll never forget because DMX had just dropped Its Dark and Hell is Hot, and I was still learning his flow. This guy already knew everything word for word. I told him I was a DMX fan, and we started talking about rap.
Felix: I was shocked. I thought he’d be into the white pop music stuff, but this boy knew his shit when it came to rap, talking about Big Pun, Busta, Ice Cube and Dr Dre. We got so deep into the conversation that I did something I’d never done with anyone before, I shared some of my rap songs with him.
Dubem: I was blown away by how personal and tight they were. I gave him some of my mediocre bars, and we decided to start a rap group that day. We called ourselves Redemption Crew.
Like Rihanna fans say every day, “Where is the album?”
Felix: We didn’t put one out. Now that I think about it, our name sounds like that of a hip Pentecostal church choir. But it was hot back then, sha. We really thought we’d become big-time rappers.
Dubem: It’s not too late. We can resign and chase our dreams. Abi, what do you think?
Felix: That’s a hard pass for me, please. LOL.
So what happened to the Redemption Crew?
Dubem: We both went to UNILAG, fell in love with the same girl and everything scattered.
Back up. It’s a lie.
Felix: Unfortunately for all our potential fans, he’s telling the truth. We had a few popular songs in secondary school because we kept performing at social nights and parties. I eventually left for UNILAG in 2002, and Dubem came in a year later. University was different. The stakes were higher, and school was intense. Despite this, we still worked on the low and had plans to chase the rap thing once we were done.
Dubem: That was until I met Ebele. My first girlfriend in university and the first girl I ever loved. She was in her first year, just like me, and we had an elective course together. It was love at first sight for me, but it took a lot of convincing to get her to go out with me. We started dating, and my life was perfect.
Felix: I met Ebele through Dubem and didn’t think too much of her. They shared an elective, but she was in my department, so I saw her more often. We only started talking because of Dubem, and it was surface-level. However, when they started having problems, she came to me, and the conversations changed.
Dubem: Our problems started about a year into our relationship. I got involved with some weird guys and started struggling with school work. Instead of finding a solution, I took it out on her by being distant. I’d stay with these guys and disappear for weeks. It was my fault. I was also distant from Felix. I pushed you guys towards each other.
Felix: My friendship with Ebele started from our mutual complaints about Dubem. It helped that we both had someone to share the stress this man was putting us through. He eventually got his shit together, but it was too late because she was over it. I’m his friend, so I was still there.
Felix, how did your relationship with Ebele become romantic?
Felix: It started in 2005 when I was in my final year, and almost two years after they were together. Ebele and I had gotten closer, but I didn’t even know how much I liked her until she kissed me while I was tutoring her. We both felt guilty about that kiss, but our feelings had become undeniable. I couldn’t lie to myself or my friend. Dubem had to know.
Dubem: I knew about their friendship and thought it was cool, but kissing? I lost my shit when he told me. He didn’t date anyone all the time he was in school, and now that he finally decided to see someone, he chose my ex? I was livid. I started replaying scenarios in my head. Had he been playing me from the start? Did he always want my babe?
Felix: I explained how our feelings grew as best as I could, and just sat there and let him have a go at me. I deserved it. What I’d done was horrible, but I was tired of running away from how I felt.
How did you guys figure it out?
Dubem: I stopped talking to both of them. I couldn’t handle it, and I didn’t owe it to them to pretend that I was okay with it. I’d lost my best friend and a girl that was special to me, all at the same time. It was hard. And then I heard Felix moved abroad, which sealed it for me. We were done. RIP Redemption Crew.
Felix: Lagos, scratch that; Nigeria, wasn’t big enough for us after what I did. I felt so embarrassed. I’d become that guy who breaks bro code and gets with his friend’s ex. I had to move far away from those who knew us, so I pursued my master’s in America. Ebele came to join me, and we got married in 2008.
Dubem: I heard about their wedding from his cousin, which reopened the wound. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to be in the same room with him again. We didn’t see or talk again for 13 years until I got a call from Ebele after the lockdown in 2020.
What was the call about?
Dubem: She called to tell me that they’d lost their son in the height of the pandemic, my friend was a wreck, and they were moving back to Nigeria. I was shocked when I realised who I was speaking to. The Ebele I knew was soft-spoken, but this Ebele was direct and uncompromising. She didn’t beg me to show up for my friend; she told me to.
Felix: That’s Ebele for you. She’s always in control. But yes, that loss took me to a dark place. I had built a life in Texas, but I knew it was time to come back to the life I knew here. Losing my son in a place where my support system was shallow changed my perspective on coming home. I knew it was time, but I immediately started feeling anxious about Dubem, and I think my wife sensed that.
She eventually told me she’d spoken to him and set up a meeting for when we returned to Lagos.
How did this meeting go?
Dubem: I’m not ashamed to say there was a lot of crying. I’m a dad too, so I could connect to what they were both going through. These two people still matter to me regardless of what happened in university. Seeing Felix like that, I wanted to be there for him.
Felix: I was sweating a lot the day he came over to our place. Seeing him again brought back all the memories of writing lyrics in our notebooks and planning our lives together. It felt like I was in boarding school again. I didn’t know how much I’d missed him until I saw him.
Regardless of how I felt, I knew it was important to talk about what happened if we were going to move on from it.
Dubem: I think he wanted to be sure I wouldn’t randomly stab him one day . LOL. The talk was necessary sha. He apologised again and spoke for hours. But honestly, I’d moved on. I loved Ebele, but we were never meant to be, and that’s fine. I’m married to the love of my life. I’ve never been happier.
So how’s your relationship now?
Felix: We’re in a great place. We were intentional about not rushing into anything or overwhelming each other. We had the occasional family Sunday dinners and slowly graduated to hanging out alone and doing things together. I was scared we wouldn’t have anything to say to each other when we were alone, but we still had much in common. And most importantly, we still love each other.
Dubem: We always have something to talk about, Felix. We’re still the same guys who loved DMX in school, it’s just that you have some grey hairs, which makes you old, and you also think Pusha T is a better rapper than Kendrick Lamar.
Felix: But he is.
Dubem: I think that’s what our kids call a red flag.
With so much history between you two, would you change anything about your friendship?
Dubem: The time we spent apart. I wish we’d spent it getting to know each other better as we got older. We were apart for most of our 30s, and that’s time we’ll never get back again.
Felix: True. I would’ve loved to meet Dubem, the first-time dad.
Dubem: No, please. That was a crazy time. That girl wouldn’t stop crying and shouting everywhere we went. I always looked like a madman.
What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?
Dubem: I know a part of you still carries some guilt because of what happened in school, but I want you to know that I forgive you. I meant it when I said it in 2020, and I mean it now. I’m so happy to have you back in my life. I can see us in our 80s arguing about rap music over glasses of scotch. You’re my man, and I’ll always have your back.
Felix: Thank you, Dubby. You’ve made moving back home such a seamless process; there’s no way it would’ve worked without you. I love you, and I’m so proud of the man you’ve become. Your authenticity has been consistent since the day we met, and it’s one of the few things I can always count on, no matter what.
No, I’m not crying.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
Father’s Day comes once a year. To celebrate 2023’s edition, seven Nigerian men talk to Zikoko about their ideal Father’s Day celebration.
“All I do is put up pictures of my kids on socials” — Ifeanyi, 37, Benin
Celebrating Father’s Day has always been something my wife and kids do for me rather than me doing anything for myself. They wish me Happy Father’s Day, and sometimes, get me gifts. All I really do is celebrate fatherhood by putting up pictures of my kids on some socials. That’s the ideal Father’s Day for me. It’s worth noting and celebrating the life of a father or man with responsibilities, and I appreciate it.
“I’d likely be a father myself before I celebrate one” — Yinka, 30, Lagos
I’ve never really cared about Father’s Day or how it’s celebrated. I was raised by a single mum; my dad wasn’t present at all. So it’s a normal day for me, especially since it doesn’t get a lot of buzz like Mother’s Day and special celebrations for women. If I ever consider celebrating, maybe I’d be a father myself first. But right now, it’s just another day for me.
“Sometimes, I don’t want to be a father at all” — Vick, 23, Ilorin
Let me begin by saying fathers are not celebrated well enough. Everybody knows, but we never complain. Just check how many songs we have for mothers and match it to the ones for fathers.
I don’t have anything planned for my father on this less anticipated day. But God knows I’m trying my best to make it big and give this man the best life. He has dream cars, houses etc., but he prioritises my demands and works hard to meet my needs. I pray to God to spare his life so he can reap the fruit of his good labour. I think of him and cry sometimes. Being the head of a family isn’t always joyful. Sometimes, I don’t even want to be a father at all. It’s a lot.
“It’s a mellow day for me” — Juwon, 34, Sagamu
Oh, I miss my dad. It’ll be a mellow day as usual. I’ll write a song as I’ve done in the last three years, call his wife and relive great moments. God bless his soul.
“Fathers shouldn’t be neglected in their old age” — Folasayo, 59, Ogbomoso
A father should celebrate having kids and his ability to train them to be better people. It’s an important day, and it should be spent with family, love and gifts. Especially older fathers, they shouldn’t feel neglected in their old age.
“I’d love to surprise my dad with a visit to the spa” — Maleek, 27, Ilorin
I don’t really have anything planned, but here’s how my ideal father’s Day would look.
My dad works really hard. Even when you tell him to take a day off, he’d start fixing broken stuff around the house. On Father’s Day, I’d love to surprise him with a visit to the spa. We’d both get a full body massage, relax in one of those hot rooms with thick, white towels around our waist, get haircuts and some facial treatments and get our feet and nails cleaned too.
Next up, we’d go for a medical consultation. He’ll get the best recommendations on natural supplements to boost his immunity and overall health. Then, we’ll go and buy some expensive native clothes. I know he likes lace materials a lot. We’ll get those and go over to the tailor’s shop. Finally, we’ll buy all sorts of chops and drinks to be enjoyed at home with everyone.
I’m one of four boys, so I know I might not have him for a full day. But that’s how I would love to spend Father’s Day with my dad.
“If possible, I’d get him a gift” — Abisola, 32, Lagos
We no really send Father’s Day, but I like the fact that we have a day that celebrates men who’re fathers. I think it makes a lot of sense. Regardless of the hard guy thing, I think we all want to be celebrated. Well, I’ll call my dad to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, post him on all socials and make him feel good about himself. If possible, I’d get him a gift.
You’re the groom’s right hand man on his wedding day and everything that leads up to it. But do you know you fit the role only for these reasons?
To be the bodyguard
The groom knows that in the event of a disruption, you can throw hands. Before they get to him and stain him and his bride’s white, you’d be there to defend them.
Zikoko Meme
You’re the perfect hypeman
You’re not the MC, but your energy is unmatched. How will the wedding party be the talk of the town without you, the life of the party? The bride and groom can’t be too tired to turn up for their wedding day; your duty is to ginger them.
Zikoko Meme
Your managerial skills
Yes, there’s a wedding planner, but this is still a Nigerian wedding. While making sure the planner makes sure the DJ arrives early, you’re helping the groom vibe check the venue’s setup and ensuring all your friends are comfortably fed. Nobody will make sure of these things better than you.
Zikoko Meme
The groom needs a getaway driver
Like those Hollywood movies from the 1980s, your best friend and his bride will be in the backseat while you race them away from those who want to delay their wedding night.
Zikoko Meme
ATTENTION
Zikoko
You’re the responsible one
The groom is excited about his big day, but he can’t have too much to drink or act irresponsibly. So he knew he had to do the right thing and have you behind him every step of the way.
Zikoko Meme
Single pringle
They called on you to be the best man because everyone else is already married. Take it as practice for your own wedding.
Atunbi
You have the most experience
You’ve been the best man for five friends and more than three relatives. At this point, one would think you do it for a living. Your experience is well sought out for.
Let’s find out why +40 Nigerian men receive gbas gbos every now and then.
No patience
It’s like they’ve exhausted the last strand of their patience in their 30s. They tell a woman they like her now, then expect her to process and be their babe five minutes after.
Too unbothered
Their unofficial name is “silent treatment”. If you think you have a masterclass in ignoring people, please, come and try a 40+ Nigerian man first.
Agbaya behaviour
They kiss a babe in her 20s/30s then suddenly remember she’s not their mate when they’re not on the same page. Did you forget you said she should call you by your given name and pull your beard?
Pot belly
This is the official age-group when men fully develop their potbellies. Immediately they start seeing money, the next thing is big stomach. Maybe we need to ban poundo and beer.
Hey there, catch the crazy dating stories of our 40+ anonymous writer. First story drops today.
Forming busy
40+ men after 15 seconds of hugging are already shouting, “Please, get up. I have a lot of work to do.” Workaholic, chill o.
Flirting is stressful
Aside from telling women to drop “mister” and just call you your name, do you have anything exciting to offer?
Sleeping early
After dinner, they’re always tired. Can’t watch a movie without dozing off. It’s just 9 p.m., and they’re already snoring in bed. You’re a man, FFS. Can’t you fight nature?
Unaware of trends
Can’t even blame them for this one. They don’t have Twitter accounts; you can only catch them on Facebook and WhatsApp.
Bloody liar
One of their favourite quotes is “Young woman, I’ll take care of you.” Telling these big lies all over town while your wife and three kids are at home praying for your safe return? Hmm..
Double wahala
Women suddenly realize 40+ men are worse than those in their youth.
Men realising they’ll always be dragged like Tiger gen.
It’s time to look into some things Nigerian men need to put less vim into. Zero deniability for them on these ones; Nigerian men need to chill.
Over staring
Understandable that your eyes have never seen a type of beauty, but also understand you make people uncomfortable when you pin your eyeballs on them. You need to learn to look and waka pass.
Zikoko Memes
Wack pick-up lines
Nigerian men are so funny, they’ll tickle you without touching you. But do they know you’re actually laughing at them because of their funny pick-up lines? Just say “hi”, bro.
Zikoko Memes
Calling people “boss”
Ask for their names. Their parents didn’t name them “boss” or “my g”, FFS.
Zikoko Memes
Receiving cheap gifts
Singlets and boxers were bad enough. But slippers? How did the bar go to the bottom? Can you slow down on accepting the barest minimum, please?
Have Nigerian men checked Twitter today? They’re dragging them for chasing women above their earning bracket. Not broke-shaming o, but omo, better face your front.
Zikoko Memes
Blaming the pads for your game loss
The gamepad is to help you to control your players however you like, but you can’t help but slap it on your thigh when you lose a game. The pad is not the problem here. Why are you blaming it for your incompetence?
Quickmemes
Niceness ≠ romantic feelings
Hopeless romantic, why are you always catching feelings off basic compliments? Slow down and stop playing yourself, chief.
Zikoko Memes
Overchasing
You should know when you’re doing too much just to be with people who don’t want you. If it’s not money, why do you want to die there?
When it comes to birthdays, the fancy and loud way isn’t the Nigerian man’s way.
If a Nigerian man isn’t avoiding attention on his birthday or completely quiet about it, he’s spending doing any one of these things:
Making a subtle post
The only clue you’ll get is a simple “+1” or “another trip around the sun” or “happy birthday to me” without pictures. Sometimes, he just changes his profile pic on WhatsApp to “1+” and move on.
Talking to friends
Early in the morning, his friends’ calls and messages congratulate him on his new age while hailing him and asking what the birthday 411 is.
Reluctantly posting and sending pics
Someone might ask, “guy, you no even post one picture. Send, make I post you now,” before he’d send a 3-year old photo. Don’t you just love Naija men?
Being moody
It’s almost like birthdays are success review days for some men. He stays brooding about how he’s not getting any younger, and when he’ll make like 30 billion. A new age is important, but being a big boy is importanter.
Trying to spark joy
The realization of “it’s hard everywhere and there’s only one life to live” hits him and he finds something better to do; he eats his favourite meal or plays video games to spark joy.
He then calls up friends to link up at a cool spot in the evening. No dress code or anything special. They just drink, gist, banter and laugh. Everyone’s happy.
Having alone time
Some like to keep themselves. No disturbances or jumping up and down. He just sits or sleeps. Outside chops too much money anyways.
Forgetting and having a regular day
Some Nigerian men don’t even remember it’s their birthday. He’ll put an excuse on his work or other responsibilities. Thankfully, his loved ones are there to remind him.
Men and football are like five and six. As the season draws to a close and the major football leagues go on break, we look forward to the rest of the games on the calendar.
On the 10th of June, the 2022/2023 UEFA Champions League Final goes down in Istanbul. In anticipation of the faceoff between Manchester City and Inter Milan, here are the best ways to enjoy the showdown.
Take a loan to watch the game live in Istanbul
Are you a true fan of the game if you’ve not watched a major team play live? We know Nigeria’s economy isn’t smiling right now, but you might have a reason when you book a ticket to Istanbul. Approach your LAPO Microfinance Bank or Palmpay for loans to fund your passion for football today. You’ll also get to watch Burna Boy perform live at the UEFA final opening ceremony, and a chance to sight-see the city.
Enter your local viewing centre
Why stay in the comfort of your home and miss the football shenanigans, premium banter and insults that’ll fly in a viewing centre? Yes, everywhere will be full and tight. Heat will choke. Someone’s head won’t let you see half of the TV screen, but that’s part of what makes it fun.
Get to the viewing centre before everyone else
Make sure you sit directly in front of the TV. If it doesn’t feel like you can almost touch the players, why are you in the viewing centre?
Sit close to rival team fans
If not, who’ll you troll and ask why his team is playing so woefully?
Stay happy and be merry
Find others with common agenda at your local viewing centre and turn the UEFA final into a ceremony. Eat some food and drink the tears of your rivals to step down.
If you’re watching at home, get a cheerleader
You might not enjoy the game, but the loss might be bearable if the LOYL will rub your head and tell you sorry. Single-pringles, stay in the viewing centre with your guys. Sorry to you.
Better pray
This is football and anything can’t happen. If you’ve made mouth or bets or you’ve expectations, better pray to God the team wins, else they might shame you. An easier way is to command the rival team to lose.
Macho rules are nothing but lies insecure men cooked up. Let them call you weak if they like. Does that make you less manly? Only you can decide.
Be the “man” of the house
What does this term mean exactly? You’re already the man of the house because of your gender. It doesn’t need to come with specific roles or perks for it to count. Embrace equality today, please.
Unhealthy boundaries
Don’t allow unnecessary bromance breed contempt. Your space is precious. Unserious bros should let you breathe small.
However, there’s more to them than booze and women, so we made a list of other things Nigerian men hold dear.
Football
Okay, this one’s a little obvious, but did you know this game has saved lives and relationships? Thanks to football, girlfriends now have nothing to worry about because they’re sure only UEFA games keep us late outside.
Zikoko Memes
Visiting friends
Haven’t you heard that a man’s friend’s home is a home away from home?
Zikoko Memes
Board games
Nothing beats the banter Nigerian men throw while playing chess or ludo. And in case you don’t know, we learn to strategise by playing ayo.
Vigorous fitness
It’s more than just lifting iron and staying fit; it’s a lifestyle. Going to the gym is actually very addictive.
Last week came with so many controversial happenings that we can’t be more sure it’ll be impossible to get men to keep quiet about the following:
Arsenal and their big EPL dreams
Being a Gunner is painful; steady hoping but never actually winning. They actually thought they’d grab the English Premier League (EPL) title and end the season as champions. Hey Siri, play ”Vivid Imagination” by KWAM1.
Imagine being an Arsenal and LA Lakers fan. Lakers supporters hoped Lebron would save them, but they lost to the Nuggets. Now 0-3 down, they’re still saying, “Lakers in 7”. Let it go, bro.
Twitter
SportyBet Woes
“My ticket don cut again” bros won’t stop talking about how last weekend games and SportyBet stopped them from becoming overnight millionaires. Worse still, they wanted to bet one thousand naira to cashout two million naira. What are the odds?
Zikoko Memes
The Agbado Boys
Twitter for politics is filled with men who constantly analyse the president-elect’s forthcoming swear-in and hand-over ceremonies. Then there are ones threatening Nigerians not to go near Eagle Square. God, ABEG.
Every other day, there’s someone subbing women on public forums. We don’t have much to say about this, but aren’t you the ones that don‘t talk to your babes for two days?
Zikoko Memes
“Na man dey do man”
These are the ones who are always crying about how rich tech-bros and sugar daddies have taken all the babes from them.
Zikoko Memes
Nigerian men don’t cheat
Nigerian men who are trying to beat the “all men cheat” allegations suffered a huge setback since 2Baba’s appearance on Young, Famous and African season two. Doesn’t look like we’ll ever beat the allegations.
Zikoko Memes
Intermission: Start picking out the sluttiest outfits for HERtitude 2023, the biggest all-hot-women party. It’s on Saturday, and it’s going to be HOT. In case you haven’t bought your ticket yet, here you go.
My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Michael and Faith’s friendship started with a not-so-random DM on Facebook in 2016. With over five years in this friendship thing, they talk to #ZikokoMyBro about surviving health challenges together, maintaining transparency when helping each other financially, and how they deal with Michael’s tendency to disappear without telling his friend.
Let’s start from the very beginning. How did you guys meet?
Michael: I met Faith on Facebook in 2016 when the app was still popping. We both wrote poems and were part of the same writing community. Our interactions were limited to the comment section until Faith DM’ed me one day.
Faith: Ah, I remember. I’d been reading your work and sent a DM saying, “Baba, you dey write gan.”
Michael: I’m reading that message now and cringing because I replied, “Good evening, sir.” You asked me how to publish your poem somewhere, and I kept adding “sir” to all my messages. I don’t even know why I was being so extra.
What was your first impression of the other person?
Faith: I thought he was very intelligent. I’d read this thought-provoking essay he wrote about LAUTECH being on strike and how no one was doing anything about it. He had his way with words that allowed him to express even the most complex thoughts with a sense of clarity. I also liked that one minute, he could be writing something like that, and the next, he’s writing something about all power belongs to your bumbum with the same passion.
Michael: What do you mean by that? I thought you were noisy. You were everywhere, and your comments were on everybody’s posts. Let’s not even get into your Facebook name; “Emmanuel GodHonoursMe Faith”. Bro, are you the only one God is honouring? LOL.
Another thing that stuck out to me was the way you used words. You used to blow big grammar like Wole Soyinka in the most random conversations. I thought that was really cool.
When did your relationship move from admiring each other’s writing to an actual friendship?
Michael: We met for the first time and started getting close when I got admission to his university. Faith was in his second year, and I was in my first. We attended the same campus fellowship, and over time I started hanging out in his room since I had 20 roommates. Plus, he used to cook a lot. We became close during the period I was eating free food and hanging out in his room.
So basically, you were like an Abuja man hanging out for food and shelter?
Michael: You know what? That’s understandable. I started hanging out with him for basic human needs. LOL
Faith: No, let me defend you small. I made food for almost everyone because I was a fellowship big bro. Remember you used to call me “Sir”?
My turning point in our relationship was when I fell sick that day in school. I never fall sick, but my village people caught me this time, and I broke down. Michael was the first person on my mind to call. He came over, took me to the health centre and stayed with me through everything. He also checked up on me and cooked during that whole period. He took care of me. That ordeal unlocked something for me, and I knew this guy had become my friend.
Michael: So I’ve saved you from untimely death? I’ve tried for you, sha.
Michael, outside of food, can you remember when Faith really came through for you?
Michael: When I first moved to Lagos after university, me and being broke were like five and six. Faith was more shocked when I didn’t come to borrow money than when I showed up to beg. But the money wasn’t really the moment for me. My favourite come-through moment was when I fell sick.
You too?
Michael: Yes, o! In 2021 I was really sick and needed to undergo a severe procedure. It was a terrifying moment in my life when I was like, “Maybe I’ll see God in a few seconds”, and Faith was right there by my side. I fall sick often, so I’m used to hospitals. On the other hand, Faith rarely falls sick, so hospitals make him very uncomfortable. He didn’t want to be in a hospital but was there for me. I was sick, but I was pitying him. Lol
Faith: I followed you to the hospital because I know you, and you have a habit of just putting your phone on do not disturb while everyone else is worried about you. I’m always concerned about you, so I felt it’d be better to go with you and be updated in real-time. Nothing prepared me for all the medical equipment and terms I heard during that period sha. Plus, I was the only one your mum could reach. It was worth it when you got better.
Regarding coming through for me, I’m grateful to Michael for always telling me the truth. I’ve gotten to a point where I feel like I’m doing well and I’m one of the baddest when it comes to what I do, so it’s important to have someone who can pull me aside and keep me in check. Michael will explain a situation to me, and I’ll realise I was the one that messed up. He’ll still call me out today even if I sent him money yesterday.
I also feel comfortable talking to Michael about everything. Most people don’t have that in their friendship.
Money has come up a couple of times now, and how as to how it might affect your friendship?
Michael: First of all, Faith has a lot more money than me, so money can’t even be a problem for us. LOL. But seriously, it all boils down to transparency and being honest with one another. Faith knows how much I make, and I know how much he makes. I can’t ask him for anything that’ll inconvenience him, and he also knows when I’ll be able to pay back based on how much I make. We’ve refused to allow money to become a big deal in our friendship.
Faith: The transparency part is important. If Michael asks me for money twice a month, I’ll know there’s a serious problem and follow up before he tells me, “Oh, he had to send money home” or something like that. But another thing is knowing our financial capacities because we only make big financial decisions with the other person knowing. Michael keeps me in check when it comes to spending. This guy once spent N5k from Monday to Friday. I don’t know how he did it.
Michael: I’m not even trying to be frugal. I don’t know what I’m spending money on if I have food and water at home. You’re always going out, while I’m usually in my house, so it makes sense that you spend more money than me.
Outside of knowing each other’s finances down to the last penny, what’s another unconventional part of your friendship?
Faith: We’re very open about how much we love each other and unafraid to say it anywhere from the middle of Ikeja City Mall (ICM) to bus parks and emails.
Michael: Not you listing some of the places I’ve told you “I love you.”
Faith: The one at ICM is funny because you said it loudly in a restaurant after I bought you rice. Everyone was staring at us. It was embarrassing but beautiful.
Another unconventional thing about our friendship is that we write to each other a lot. Not texting, but writing via email to catch up and share how much we mean to each other. This guy can ghost everyone for a long time, but every time I write, he responds.
Ghosting in friendship again? Michael, please explain
Michael: I’ve ruined a lot of potential friendships because I suck at responding to messages and social media. Instant messaging doesn’t make sense because I can’t keep up with talking to multiple people at once about different things. Many people don’t get it and assume I just don’t rate them. That whole thing on Twitter about “People make time for people they care about”. It’s not about time; messaging is just not my thing.
What I love about my relationship with Faith is that he gets it. We don’t always text, but we talk via long emails. I can send a mail on Monday and not get a response until the following Monday, but that’s totally fine. I know he’s still there for me. Constantly talking doesn’t validate our friendship.
Faith, how did you get comfortable with this communication style since it’s not the most conventional in friendships?
Faith: It was a bit challenging initially, but I had to learn that not everyone will be like me. Not everyone has the energy to fill up a room or talk on the phone for 30 minutes straight. It doesn’t make them any less amazing.
I know Michael trusts and feels safe with me, so he’ll come around on his own terms. Just because he’s nowhere to be found doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of me. He’s disappeared so many times only to send a bottle of wine or the hardcover of a book he thinks I’d like. People are different.
Michael: I’m a great friend if you manage your communication expectations. Faith gets it, and that’s why we work well.
Faith: We’re on the same wavelength. He can disappear today, but when he returns, he can take up six hours of my time.
Six hours, doing what?
Faith: We’ve watched a TV show virtually before, episode by episode. We also read together virtually at the same time. I’ll ask what page he’s on, and we’ll read together. If we poured this energy into dating, we wouldn’t be single. LOL.
Would you consider changing something about your friendship or the other person?
Michael: I wish we saw each other more, but that’s on me. Faith is always available while I’m usually in my house, hiding or working. Then, for Faith, I’d like you to please calm down more often because it’s not everything or everyone that deserves the amount of emotional strength you put into them. Don’t you like peace, joy and happiness? These are things you could imbibe. Your gragra is too much.
Faith: I totally agree with the second one. My emotions are always all over the place. For our friendship, I’d like us to have more money so Michael can spoil me with trips to Abuja—
Michael: Abuja? That’s your holiday destination? I need to unfriend you after this.
Faith: Oya, let’s do Venice or Bali. Regarding what I’d like to change about you, I’ll say it’s the ghosting thing, but not for me, for our other friends. I’m already used to you disappearing, but most of our mutual friends don’t get it, so they become worried, and I have to reassure them that you’re good. Drop a message for them that says, “Hi guys. I’ll be disappearing for three days. Cheers.”
Michael: I don’t plan it. But I’m trying to be better.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?
Michael: I want us to write more. Our emails are some of my most treasured possessions in the world. I love how we write each other those long emails, and I want more of that.
Faith: I’m so proud of how you’ve hacked capitalism. You used to hate it, but now you’re killing it. I love seeing that growth. I’m so so proud of you.
Michael: That’s so sweet. Look at you being a sweet person.
They can act like they don’t care, but trust us when we say these gift ideas for men will answer their many “God when?” questions.
As you search for the best gift ideas for the different men in your life—siblings, father, co-worker, husband, boyfriend, sons— we want you to pay attention to this list curated with all our love.
So what will get that man grinning? Let’s go.
Birthday gift ideas for men
Sponsor a weekend getaway
That man deserves to see the world. We’ll let you decide if you’re sending him to Benin Republic or Togo. Also, if you have the money and can afford it, a trip to Santorini or Paris.
Average spend: ₦500k- ₦2 million.
A shopping spree
You’ve seen his drip on occasions so you know his style. Take his ATM card and buy all his essentials.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦500k
Cook-a-storm
Show that man you can do better than Hilda Baci. If she cooked 80 recipes, raise him 100 pots of local delicacies. Afterall, the way to a man’s heart is his stomach or something like that.
Average spend: ₦20-₦100k.
Book a spa appointment
Source: TripAdvisor
He’ll be in that massage bed thanking God for the day he met a thoughtful queen like you. Doesn’t matter if you’re his wife, mum, sister or friend.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦200k.
Organise a hang-out with his guys
Men hardly have time to throw parties but will they attend one with their gees? Just make sure to cater for all their food needs. Buy them liquor too, they like that.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦200k.
An underwear set
Source: Konga
Forget the trash-talking on Twitter , men actually appreciate boxers and singlet. You can go the extra mile with designer brands.
Average spend: ₦20-₦50k.
Footwear
Source: The Modest Man
A lot of men obsess over sneakers, shoes and palm slippers. Pay attention to his favourite and get him a or two. Bonus point: Go for designer brands.
Average spend: ₦10-₦200k.
Mobile phone
Source: Stuff
Chances are, he already has an expensive phone. But men like to stay updated and you can go the extra mile by gifting him the latest version of his device. Be sure to know if he’s an Apple bro or Samsung brethren.
Average spend: ₦200k-₦1m.
Cologne
Source: Pinterest
Men love to smell good but they don’t want to go in a room smelling like a thousand other bros. Make it your mission to find his signature scent and ensure that he hardly runs out.
Average spend: ₦10k-₦300k.
Game console
Source: Konga
It has to be the latest PlayStation console. But hey, half is better than none, if you can’t afford the latest just make sure you buy one.
Average spend: ₦200k-₦500k.
Graduation gift ideas for men
Whether he just bagged a new degree or completed an online course, you want to motivate your man and let me know that you recognized his efforts.
A new whip
More Nigerian parents need to embrace the idea of gifting cars during milestone achievement. Your son just bagged a degree? Spend that money!
Average spend: ₦2m – ₦50 Million.
Graduation party
Let’s be honest, school isn’t easy. If anyone makes it to graduation, they deserve to be thrown a party with their loved ones. Although, we can’t say parties come cheap.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦500k.
Book a photoshoot session
Pictures preserve memories and you can be thoughtful by helping the celebrant immortalize one of their most prized moments. Please dear, book a professional photographer and not ‘photooo’.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦150k.
Graduation Cake
Source: Pinterest
Personally, we believe there should be a cake for every celebration because why not? The key here is to make sure a special message comes with the cake.
Average spend: ₦10k-₦50k.
Gift hamper
Source: Konga
No, you don’t give out hampers during the Christmas season alone. Curate a personalized hamper and include items like: Notepads, pen, playing cards, wallet, multi-tool pen, etc.
Average spend: ₦20k-₦100k.
Personalized photobook
Source: PhotoNaija
Chances are, he shared memories with you throughout his stay in uni. Go the extra mile and document these memories in a photobook. He might cringe at first, but never you mind, he loves that shit!
Average spend: N25k-N100K.
Wedding anniversary gift for men
You should be celebrating every year spent with the love of your life. It’s nice to say you love him but this list of gift ideas for men will help you prove your words with actions.
Couple’s massage
It’s a gift for him but God forbid you leave your LOML in the hands of a masseuse. Go with him, and if things get extra heated, you might even have the room to yourself.
Average spend: ₦70k-₦200k.
Weekend getaway
Source: Visit Greece
If you have kids, send them to their grannies. A private trip to some of the most romantic destinations in the world. You can do Olumo rock too if that’s what you can afford. It’s the thought that counts.
Average spend: ₦200k-₦2m.
Vow renewal
An opportunity to tell each other “for richer, for richer” Very yes please! You can keep it private or have family and friends witness the true love story.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦500k.
Certification
More skills mean more earning potential and that’s good for everybody. Do your research and pay for a course that will shoot him up his career ladder. Don’t sleep on this gift idea for men.
Average spend: ₦100k-₦500k.
Personalized accessories
You want him to think of you everywhere. Whether he’s at work or stuck in traffic on the 3rd mainland bridge, he’ll always smile when he sees your words or initials on his belt, bracelet or wallet.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦100k.
Customized Bible or Quran
Source: iStock
Remember how you picked the Holy book on your engagement day? You want to remind him that the word of God is still important in your union.
Average spend: ₦5k-₦50k.
Set up a man cave
Source: Essential Home
Nigerian landlords are wicked and it’s expensive to have the luxury of space. However, if you do, it’s time to put on your interior designing cap; create a safe space just for him. Hear hear, this will cost money.
Average spend: ₦500k-₦5m.
Cinema date
Source: iStock
If you can rent out the entire cinema, please do. Otherwise, just you and your man are see a romantic movie that will reignite the flames of your love.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦200k.
Upgrade his wedding ring
Consider this as an investment for the future. If it’s a silver ring, upgrade it to a diamond.
Average spend: ₦1m-₦20m.
Hot intercourse
It doesn’t matter if they get it every other day, men love sex. The key here is to try something extra different and special. Maybe grant his BDSM fantasies—just kidding.
Average spend: ₦0.
Father’s Day gift ideas
Mothers get most of the love but we know fathers also want it. This is your opportunity to show daddy how much you appreciate him picking up the bills and leaving his wallet open at all times.
Money
It’s the one day where he gets to receive after months of giving and giving. Suffocate his bank account with something hooge.
Average spend: ₦100k-₦10m.
Father’s Day cake
Source: Wilton
He’ll most likely not eat because he doesn’t like eating sugar. But make sure there’s a cake with a thoughtful message stating how special he is.
Average spend: ₦10k-₦50k.
Bottle of wine or whisky
You want to find an expensive bottle that has aged well. You can accompany this with a cute card telling daddy how much of a good parent he is.
Average spend: ₦10k-₦100k.
Customized keyholder
Source: The Laser Boutique
Daddy probably has keys for everything. The car, his office, the house and special safes. give him a customized keychain that keeps everything organized.
Average spend: ₦5k-₦20k.
Father’s Day hamper
Source: My Basket
Curate a special hamper for daddy. You can include items like: Customized journal, cufflinks, provisions, etc.
Average spend: ₦50-₦150k.
Fabric
As they grow older, Nigerian men fall in love with native wears and you’ll be sure to find a dozen or more in their wardrobes. Hit up with your fabric plug at Balogun market and spoil him silly.
Average spend: ₦20-₦150k.
Health supplements
We want to make sure daddy’s health is in good shape at all times. Make sure you check with the family doctor to know what works best for him.
Average spend: ₦50k-₦200k.
Retirement gift ideas for men
A lot of thoughts should go into selecting the best retirement gift idea for men as you’re celebrating an important milestone in his life. Whether as a wife, a child, colleague or friend, you want to give him that big pat on the back for getting to the finish line. Your gift should do the talking.
Retirement party
The company will most likely have a moderate send forth event but you want to make sure you go the extra mile. Gather friends, family and loved ones to celebrate years of service.
Average spend: ₦100k-₦500k.
Vacation
Source: Conde Nast Traveler
Probably the most important on the list, daddy should be getting some well-deserved rest after years of doing the work. We recommend an out-of-country experience, but hey, the International Institute of Tropical Agriculture (IITA) is budget friendly.
Average spend: ₦250k-₦2m.
Retirement birthday cake
Source: CakeNBake
A big 18 inches, multi-flavored, cake that comes with a message that says: “you’ve worked, it’s time to chill/play” or something sweet like that.
Average spend: ₦20k-₦50k.
Open a business
Except daddy is Dangote or Otedola, retirement in this part of the world isn’t really the end. You want to set daddy up with something that pays the bills apart from his monthly pension.
Average spend: ₦500k-₦10m.
Gift him a mansion
Source: Reuters
African parents mean their last word when they pray for their kids to buy cars and build houses for them. What better time to show daddy that prayers can be answered?
Nigerian men have bad PR. But on a good day, they’re mad actually romantics who are three steps ahead of Shakespeare.
And if you beat the father of romance at his game, you’re the smoothest operator.
Zikoko Memes
And here’s exactly why we think Shakespeare isn’t worth his overhyped salt next to Nigerian men.
Love letters in 1574 English is romantic until thou overdoest
Twitter
You’re not a ghost from the Renaissance period, so why can’t you talk like a regular guy?
Zikoko Memes
Uncomplicated love confessions for the win
You don’t have to be dramatic. Just play a few Ajebutter22 songs for inspiration, and learn something from the King of Parole.
It’s not only by words
Please, pocket your sonnet 116 and send money. It’s more impressive.
Zikoko Memes
Buy your babe her favourite meals
It’s not just the way to a man’s heart.
Nigerian babes love food too.
Zikoko Meme
Sponsor her enjoyment too
Zikoko Memes
We know for a fact your hot babe will be at the hottest babes party of the year. So pay for her HERtitude 2023 tickets here.
Never duel for love
Combating other men for a woman’s heart isn’t what our own ancestors taught us. How is it romance if you leave her in eternal grief? A Nigerian guy knows better.
Zikoko Memes
No art is free
If Shakespeare was a Nigerian man, he’d be a freelancer writing Valentine poems for couples and collecting money. He already writes; why not cash out from it? And what’s more romantic than a Nigerian man with money?
My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Josh and Kelechi became friends after they both participated in a threesome. Now five years into their friendship, the two talk about the interesting sexual encounter that brought them together, bonding over therapy and why boundaries are important even in an unconventional friendship like theirs.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane. How did you guys meet?
Kelechi: I met Josh in 2018. I was in my second year of university while he was in his third and dating a girl in my class. I didn’t really know him, but their relationship was popular because both of them were the king and queen of PDA on campus. You wouldn’t see one without the other; they were always holding hands or kissing.
Josh: What can I say? We were in love. I’d seen you around too, but I only started paying attention when my girlfriend started talking about this cute guy in class she wanted us to hook up with. She had a crush on you, but I needed to know more if we were both going to pursue something with you.
Pursue something?
Kelechi: Josh and his girlfriend are in an open relationship, although they’re only allowed to be with the same person. Guy, please explain it yourself.
Josh: LOL. You’ve dropped the basic synopsis of our situation. The full gist is that my girl and I are open, but we only hook up with thirds. We’re not allowed to see other people separately. If I like someone, then two of us must like the person and vice-versa. It’s also purely sexual, no feelings attached.
My girl liked Kelechi back then, so I had to scope the guy on my own too. You’re a fine guy, so it didn’t take too much convincing. Getting you on board was surprisingly easy too. But I can still remember the shock on your face when we told you we wanted to sleep with you.
Kelechi: Bruh. Let me not lie and say I was a saint or anything. But I’d never been in a threesome, much more being approached by a couple to have one. I liked your girlfriend too, but I didn’t overthink it since she wasn’t available. She asked me to hang out after class, and that’s when you made the proposition. I thought it was a prank.
Josh: Prank as per you’re on Punk’d? You really think you’re a celebrity for real.
Kelechi: My friend, shut up. I had to pick my jaw up from the floor that day. My brain told me to say “No”, but I watched myself say, “Yes”.
Josh: Omo, I was shocked, too o. That was the fastest “Yes” we’d ever gotten. Most people would ask to think about it and either come back for some *cough cough* or start avoiding us. But you said “Yes” on the first ask. Why?
Kelechi: I don’t know. But there was something about the both of you — being the hottest couple in school and all, wanting me that immediately turned me on. I also felt really special, like I was chosen.
Josh: DFKM
How did this friendship form from your threesome?
Josh: Like Omawunmi once sang, “If you ask me, na who I go ask?”
Kelechi: Behave, jare. I was too irresistible for just a one-night stand. You needed me to be a part of your life.
Josh: Honestly, yes. The sex was great, and all three of us enjoyed it, but the conversation after really struck me, and I was like, “This boy is cool AF”.
What did you guys talk about?
Kelechi: Therapy.
Josh: That’s not a topic anyone would expect to hear, especially when the people involved just had a spicy threesome. But I’d just started therapy, and when Kelechi joked about telling his therapist about us, I just started pouring my whole life’s story to him.
This was the first time I was meeting another guy who was in therapy. I’m sure there are other guys, but I’d never seen someone who was that open to talking about it. It started from jokes about how therapy is expensive AF and making us poor, and then we just segued into how helpful it’s been for us.
Kelechi: Do you get? I’d be more of a mess if it wasn’t for therapy. I have a serious anxiety issue and most Nigerians don’t even take it seriously. People think I’m lazy or avoidant. Therapy helped me figure out the problem and learn how to confront it.
Talking to another guy who knew something was wrong and was taking the necessary steps to fix it reaffirmed my decision.
Josh: Me too. My girl and I usually keep a distance from our thirds unless we’re planning a hook-up, but I started hanging out with you more, and it was just what I needed. She supported me but didn’t get the therapy thing. And that’s fine. I also needed to be around someone who could relate on a personal level.
Was your girlfriend okay with that?
Josh: Not at first, but I think she also understood that the sex thing with Kelechi was more her than me. My girl is my best friend, so I didn’t have a lot of friends in school I could talk to. I made her understand that I needed Kelechi on a friendship level and it didn’t have anything to do with her not being enough.
Kelechi: This guy and sweet mouth. “Anything to do with her not being enough”? Bars, my guy.
Josh: I dey try. But it really wasn’t. My entire existence was wrapped around one relationship in my life, and it wasn’t fair on her. It’s also part of why I started seeing a therapist. I needed people to talk to.
It’s been five years, and I’m curious how your friendship has evolved.
Josh: I realised a couple of months into our friendship that I was doing to Kelechi what I did to my girlfriend, making them the centre of my world. Like, I was talking to just two of them, and I know it’s good to keep my circle small, but it doesn’t mean I should suffocate the people in it. Kelechi was also too polite to ask for space. Now we have these difficult conversations and draw boundaries where necessary.
Kelechi: I’m a people pleaser, and I wanted to be a good friend, so it was hard for me to say, “Oh, I feel you dude. But I can’t process your stuff now because my life’s a mess.”
We enjoy talking to each other, and it’s helped to have someone to listen to and bounce ideas off of, but that boundary thing was necessary. Then again, how do you set boundaries in such a complicated friendship?
Josh: Talking about it. Shoutout to my therapist because she was the one who pointed out how in trying to be each other’s person, there was a high chance we might lose ourselves. I brought it up with Kelechi, and we had that conversation. We have an “I’m at my mental capacity” safeword. I know he wants to be there for me, and me, him, but we also had to learn how to be there for ourselves once in a while.
You guys seem so zen. Do you even fight?
Kelechi: It’s hard to fight with someone who doesn’t like confrontation. Whenever we almost have an issue, Josh will apologise whether he was right or wrong. I admire it, but it can be annoying.
Josh: Wow. But it’s because I love you, bro. I genuinely don’t like people being upset at me. Plus, we’ve never had an issue worth fighting over. Our only problems are you always being late and me taking five years to text back sometimes.
Kelechi: Fair enough.
Is there anything you’d change about your friendship?
Josh: I wish we met earlier. I don’t regret how we met, and I wouldn’t change it, but I wish we got into each other’s lives earlier. You’ve made me more open to receiving non-romantic love. I can’t help but wonder sometimes how many friends and relationships I missed early on in life because I was closed off.
Kelechi: I wouldn’t change a thing. Not even timing. We met when we needed to meet, and it worked out well. I’d change your detty love for amala though. That right there is a character flaw. LOL.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?
Kelechi: I’m open with how I feel about you and your importance to me. I love you, and If I had to choose a best friend in another life, even if I were a dog, I’d choose you.
Josh: A dog? Be calming down. But I love you too, and I’m grateful you’re in my corner. I don’t know how I’d do this life thing without you. You and my babe are the only ones I’d actually get in a fight for. Everyone else O.Y.O is their case.
Let’s not even cap; making friends as a grown man is hard. Between Nigeria’s wahala, capitalism struggles, and societal rules about how we should interact, Nigerian men of a certain age struggle to make meaningful friendships.
Source: Zikoko Memes
If you’re at the stage where you are looking to try anything to make new friends, then, sir, this article is for you.
Open a barbing salon
Source: Zikoko Memes
If you want something, you need to invest in it — even if that investment is a barbing salon at your junction. Barbing salons are safe havens for men to vent, let loose, and have some time away from the world. While it might seem like an over-the-top move to land friends, opening a barbing salon will introduce you to a wide range of men from all walks of life. You could literally hold a friend audition, and they wouldn’t even know.
Go back to school
Source: Netflix Naija
Most men who talk about their oldest friendships often refer to the friends they made in secondary school or university. If the cast of Far From Home could “convince” us they were secondary school students, then look, you can do it too. But if going back to secondary school sounds crazy, there’s nothing wrong with going back to university to get a new degree and make new friends. Nothing builds friendships faster than a mutual fear of carryovers.
Stop calling every guy “Oga” or “Boss” and take time to know their names
Source: Zikoko Memes
Bruh. The number of “Oga”, “Chief”, and “Boss” you hear when men hang out around each other is wild. It’s like, “Do any of you have real names?” If you want to build a real connection with another man, you need to know the basics, like their actual name. If you left Nigerian men, they’d “Oga” each other to the grave.
Shoot friendship shots on social media
Source: Zikoko Memes
Desmond thought Collins was cool and shot a friendship shot on Instagram. Please, what’s stopping you from doing the same thing? Shame? Pride? Chelsea, come on now. If you’re willing to work to get someone’s attention on social media for knacks or a romantic relationship, what’s stopping you from putting the same level of effort into making male friends? Granted, a few guys might find it weird at first, but real guys will appreciate it. Just make sure you’re not being extra by liking their pictures from 2014.
FYI, LinkedIn is a social media platform too *wink wink*
Become more active in the church or mosque
Source: Zikoko Memes
A God-fearing partner is not the only person you can find in your place of worship. What happened to a God-fearing friend? What does it profit a man to have a godly relationship, but a friendship built on sin? Okay, maybe don’t answer that. You sha get the gist.
The gym can be very intimidating, but when you really think about it, that space is also one of the best places to make a new friend. Even though everyone seems to be on a mission to outdo the next person in the gym, a certain level of vulnerability comes with the effort to be better at something regardless of how many kgs you’re lifting. Tap into that vulnerability. No one is asking you to become the annoying guy who won’t shut up in the gym, but try smiling or saying “hi” to other guys there once in a while. Who knows, you might move from gym bros to actual bros.
Date women who have cool brothers who don’t want to beat you up
Source: Zikoko Memes
Why kill one bird or relationship with one stone when you could easily kill two with one stone? Meeting a cute girl who rocks your world is great, but things get ten times better when this girl has a brother who could become your soulmate. Even if the romantic relationship fails, no rule says you can’t be best friends with your ex’s brother. If she really loved you, then she’d be happy for you.
Argue about Messi or Wizkid in social gatherings
Source: Zikoko Memes
The moment you hear Nigerian men arguing, and they start throwing the word “goat” around while mentioning “Wizkid” or “Messi”, then, sir, it’s time to pull up a chair and join that argument. There’s a high chance you’ll get insulted during the argument, but there’s also a high chance you’ll make a new friend regardless of which side of the argument you stack your chips on.
Join dating apps
Source: Zikoko Memes
If there’s anything we learnt from Edem and Chide’s My Bro story, it’s that men can become best friends with men they’ve hooked up with. It doesn’t always work, especially if you’re as straight as a ruler, but taking the lover-to-best-friend route isn’t that bad when it comes to friendship. To make this work, you must open your mind beyond sexual attraction and get to know the people you’re chatting with. It’s giving from guts to guys.
Read Zikoko My Bro and steal our subjects’ best friends
If you can’t find a best friend of your own, who says you can’t go around stealing other people’s best friends? Thankfully, Zikoko My Bro has many options you can select from. All you have to do is read their story, choose the best friend you want to steal and then get ready to throw hands with their current best friend. Nothing good comes for free.
Become your own best friend
Source: Zikoko Memes
I know everyone says this all the time, but who knows you better than you? To be the best friend you could possibly be to anyone else, you need to become your own best friend and show up for yourself. This is the friendship version of the corny, “No one’s going to love you if you don’t love yourself”, shit they say in romcoms. Love yourself, bro.
