If you think about it, there’s no way Nigeria isn’t a simulation. We’re currently in a blackout because the Nigeria Labour Congress is on strike.
We’re going through it, and our leaders have decided to act like our problems don’t exist, so we’re nominating these Nollywood characters to take their place.
Odds are that they won’t even do a better job, but there’s no way they’ll do worse, right?
Jedidah Judah in “A Tribe Called Judah”
A businesswoman to the core; she was giving out loans, starting businesses, and helping the people around her. Think about what someone like her can do for our economy.
She might not last long in office due to her illness and her children might embezzle some funds, but we’re sure that she’d take care of us to the best of her abilities.
Big Daddy in “The Black Book”
As we all saw, Big Daddy doesn’t play with her people. Also, she doesn’t make promises she can’t keep. If Big Daddy is in office, we might be in a war every day — she’ll probably loan out our army to her friends in distress — but we can be sure that we’ll be well taken care of.
Paul Edima in “The Black Book”
Like the travel blogger president who left office last year, we can trust Paul Edima to be scarce during his tenure. But the difference is we’ll only need to cry and protest, and he’ll come back and take care of business before he pulls another disappearing act like a Yoruba man with commitment issues.
Queen in “GIrls Cot”
She’ll tax the shit out of us to keep her pockets fat. But she’ll also know how useful we are to her bank account and make life easier and affordable for the masses and the baddies.
Famzy in “Chief Daddy”
Will Famzy use all of Nigeria’s money to fund his dead rap career? Yes.
Will he use the country and everyone in it to promote his foolish music? Yes.
But these can be managed — we’ll just find him advisors who can convince him to make a good decision every now and again. You can rest assured that during Famzy’s tenure, we won’t have to endure grid collapses and a nationwide famine.
Arolake in “Anikulapo”
We need Arolake, her bag of money and her connection to the mystical beings who clearly adore her. If she’s our supreme leader, we are set for however long she plans to stay in office.
Timeyin in “Blood Sisters”
She had Uduak as a mother, two murderous brothers and survived it all. If this doesn’t show her tenacity and survival skills. What else could you possibly want in a leader? She’ll make sure that everyone feels loved and all forms of abuse are met with harsh punishments.
Afamefuna in “Afamefuna”
Afamefuna will probably use our money to spoil his Amy nwa and pay off everyone he’s offended. But did you see how he solved his oga’s problem and grew his business? By the end of his second year in office, Nigeria would have paid off all her loans and the naira would have risen.
Mama Ify in “Gangs of Lagos”
Mama Ify will clamp down on over-taxing and ensure every child goes to school. Mama Ify will be sweet to us and host cookouts at Aso Rock every Saturday. But don’t take her niceness for foolishness — if anyone moves anyhow, she’ll swear for them in the middle of the street, and it’ll catch them.
