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Nigerian cities | Zikoko!
  • How to Spot an Ex-Lagosian Living in Abuja

    Lagosians leave Lagos and move to Abuja and won’t let anyone hear the last of it. They’re either telling the people they left in Lagos how Abuja is a far better option or trying so hard to convince those in Abuja that they’re one of them. They can try to deceive others but they can’t deceive us. We know how to spot ex-Lagosians living in Abuja from a thousand miles away. 

    1. They’re always in a rush

    You can take them away from the city, but you can’t take the city away from them. Even if you take Lagosians out of the country, that thing that always makes them rush won’t leave them alone. Always rushing from one place to the other. 

    2. They take “wake up and jumpstart” very literally

    Abuja people take time to prepare themselves for the day, unlike Lagosians. Lagosians wake up and start jumping all over the place. Zero time for self-care or meditation — or even to pause and catch their breaths. Even though they no longer have to plan their days or write to-do lists in stand-still traffic, the trauma response lives on with them. 

    3. The sight of cocaine surprises them 

    LOL. There’s sin in Lagos, but there’s a different kind of sin in Abuja. Lagos people will see cocaine and come and shout on Twitter.

    RELATED: Interview With Cocaine: “Why Are Abuja People Ashamed of Me?

    4. They’re always in awe of good roads 

    Lagosians are so used to suffering in traffic that the sight of good roads and a good road network leaves them in absolute awe. They always act like kids in a candy store when cruising through  Abuja. 

    5. They won’t shut up about leaving Lagos 😑

    Ex-Lagosians are always ready to mention how they left Lagos for Abuja. Please, it’s ok, we’ve heard you. The God that did it for you will also do it for us. Abi what do you now want us to say? 

    6. They let Abuja men ‘sleep over’ at their place. 

    How else will you know that they’re Johnny Just Come if they don’t let Abuja “spend the night” at theirs? Let them experience an Abuja man waiting on that life-changing contract and learn themselves. Experience is always the best teacher. 

    RELATED: 6 Jobs Abuja Men Do on the Side While Squatting With Their Babes

    7. “At least we have beaches in Lagos”

    This is for those ones who want to eat their cake and have it. They want to live in Abuja and experience Lagos. Oya go back to Lagos since you like the beach so much. “At least we have beaches in Lagos.” And so what? Go to Crushed Rock like the other people in Abuja are doing and let’s hear word, please. 

    That’s all from us for now. 

    ALSO READ: These Insane Tweets About Lagos Are Making Us Die of Laughter

  • Fuel Scarcity Again? Here’s the Full NNPC Gist

    Nigeria is one of the leading oil producers in Africa, but you’re probably reading this on a fuel station queue that leads to Jericho. 

    Pele dear. While we can’t help you hold the fuel attendant’s shirt when they tell you there’s no more fuel, we can tell you how this fuel scarcity mess started again. Here’s the gist, but first, a little backstory.

    Who runs things and why does the price of fuel change?

    As regulator, and resident big boys of Nigeria’s petroleum sector, the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) manages the country’s refineries and is the only importer of petrol in Nigeria. 

    Before becoming the sole importers of petrol, there were other marketers importing the product. Nigeria used to run on a subsidy scheme that allowed other marketers in the country to buy fuel directly from the international oil market at the landing price (initial cost) and resell at a cheaper price to you. The NNPC made this possible by covering the cost. 

    Let me explain

    If the international market was selling petrol at ₦174 per litre and Nigerians bought at ₦142 per litre, the difference is paid off by NNPC. That’s what oil people call fuel subsidy. There are claims that this wasn’t a real thing, but it was always a part of the national budget.

    After a few years, the government had to shake things up because people were hiding subsidy money inside their agbadas. Marketers also struggled to maintain access to the international oil market as the dollar went up. These issues influenced the periodic cycles of fuel scarcity we’ve experienced over the years. So in 2017, the government made the NNPC Nigeria’s only importer.

    When the NNPC took over, Direct Sale and Direct Purchase (DSDP) was initiated. It’s like trade and barter: NNPC gives refiners an amount of crude oil and they return petrol of the same value to NNPC and selected distributors to sell at subsidised prices.

    Do you feel like an oil guru yet? 

    Now to the juicy part.

    On Monday, Nigerians woke up to knocked engines and soon the internet was host to a number of videos of angry Nigerians demanding an explanation for these issues that followed buying fuel in their cars. As tension continued to rise, the Nigerian Midstream and Downstream Petroleum Regulatory Authority (NMDPRA) confirmed  suspicions. 

    The fuel in circulation had been contaminated with an alarming percentage of methanol, above Nigeria’s approved specification. With this announcement, filling stations who believed they had received thos contaminated fuel started to sell less or not at all while the issue is resolved.  

    So, who’s taking the fall for this oversight?

    After being tagged in multiple videos online, MRS made the first move on Monday, to let us know that this saga had absolutely nothing to do with them.

    MRS put out a statement that basically said, “The NNPC is the sole importer of fuel so please don’t drag us for rubbish.” They claimed that they were not aware of the contamination when they received the petrol supply shipped from Belgium by the NNPC’s trading arm, Duke Oil. 

    Next on the podium of accusers was the Managing Director of NNPC, Mele Kyari. In his statement, Kyari claimed that MRS are dirty liars and are the ones to blame. He also threw in Oando, Duke Oil and a consortium consisting of Emadeb/Hyde/AY Maikifi/Brittania-U into the mix of people to hold accountable. 

    Who’s to blame now?

    We thought the mind games were over until a journalist, David Hundeyin, came out with incriminating details that questioned the credibility of NNPC in a tweet.

    The tweet mentioned Duke Oil again, but this time, in association with a shady law firm called Alemán, Cordero, Galindo & Lee, in Panama. From Belgium to Panama. 

    While we know nothing significant about this entity that has worked with NNPC since 2015, David Hundeyin drops the main bombshell that leaves me questioning why I’m still here typing. Apparently, the law firm is associated with crimes in Panama.

     .

    From what we’ve gathered, they have been implicated in criminal acts associated with money laundering. Allegedly, they have helped at least 160 politicians and public figures with the creation of offshore shell companies meant to hide money in a tax haven. According to the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists (ICIJ), their clients have included world leaders like Czech Prime Minister Andrej Babis, Montenegro President Milo Djukanovic and Jordanian Kind Abdulla II. Sadly, this is just the tip of the iceberg. 

    The end

    So why is Nigeria’s regulatory body for our most lucrative resource associated with a company linked to this firm? 

    There are no answers from NNPC yet.

    What do we know for certain? Crazy things are happening and you need to know them too.