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  • Employers, Here’s How to Actually Support Your Staff in These Trying Times

    It’s not news that our politicians and the federal government have joined hands together to further stress our lives with crazy-high living costs, naira devaluation and the threat of food shortage. As if that weren’t enough, Daddy Tesla tried to put us in Twitter jail.

    Do you want my life?

    The point is, these are trying times, and we all need extra motivation, especially 9-5ers. If you’re an employer thinking of using free lunch or mental health seminars to support your staff during this period, please stop it. Here’s how we really want to be supported.

    Remote and hybrid work options

    The new fuel prices mean transportation costs aren’t smiling. If the employee can do the work at home, please let them. It’ll also save the amount of money spent on electricity and Wi-Fi at the office. A win-win.

    Hardship allowance

    No matter how small the amount, it’ll show that you’re not like Nigerian politicians and you actually relate to your employees’ struggles.

    Employee loans

    There’s no money on ground, and offering loans may be what saves your employees from Nigeria-induced sapa. It doesn’t even have to be a huge amount. Loaning employees a couple of months’ salary won’t crash the business, and you can recover it through salaries.

    Surveys that actually help

    Another option is asking the employees how they’d like to be supported and trying to implement the feedback.

    Salary increase

    Your revenue and profits are probably not that great either, but if possible, increase salaries to help cushion the effects of these times. No one says no to more money.

    Can that meeting be an email?

    Remember what I said about fuel? There’s really no need to call a team-wide meeting if it could just be an email. Help us reduce charging time, biko.

    Talk about it

    Whatever you do to support your staff, carrying them along is important. Knowing they’re not alone in these struggles could do wonders for motivation.

    NEXT READ: How Has the Fuel Price Hike Affected Transportation Costs in Major Cities?

    Click to submit a pitch

    Tife Oni

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  • 8 Totally Appropriate Things to Gift Your Boss for Valentine’s Day

    The reason why you don’t have a Valentine is because you spend all your time at work, and your social life is in the mud. It doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the festivities, though. Ever thought about making your boss your Valentine? These eight gift ideas are totally appropriate — or not.

    Ask them to hold on to your salary

    But specify that it’s just your February salary o. You don’t want them thinking you want to start working for the “passion”.

    Your life

    What says employee loyalty like actually giving your life for your boss? You can even add your blood as bonus, since they’re always asking for it.

    Actually do your work 

    A whole day when you actually do your work without getting lost in TikToks or Twitter? That’s a very valuable gift if you ask me.

    A mug

    Personalise it so they know how you really feel about them. They’d love it, trust me.

    A list of coworkers

    So they can remember everyone they employed and see that it’s okay to give others work too.

    Resign, but make it fancy

    Before you go, “How is this a gift?” hear me out. You already plan to quit via email, so why not do it with a cake on Valentine’s Day? That way, they won’t cry on an empty stomach.

    Praise them on LinkedIn

    Because saying sweet things about your company or boss on LinkedIn is the corporate version of love letters. 

    Propose to them

    Chances are you’ve already fallen in love with them. Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to take it a notch higher. Ask them to marry you. It’s either they say yes or they fire you. At least, you have a 50% chance of success.

    NEXT READ: The 8 Times It’s Okay to Call Your Boss “Daddy”

    Tife Oni

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  • How to Argue Like a Nigerian Boss

    As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, you should be certain of two things. One: If you have light for three consecutive days, look for NEPA’s office and beg them to take the light. There’s a problem somewhere.

    Two: Typical Nigerian bosses are never wrong. Like, never. 

    The key to winning every argument is by using Nigerian boss tactics, and this article will teach you how.

    Make a decision

    For top points, pick the most unreasonable decision or opinion possible. For example, of course, one person should be able to do the work of five people without complaining. Are you asking for too much, or are they just not putting in the effort?

    Stand by it

    Channel your inner mountain and absolutely refuse to change your stance. It doesn’t matter if everyone around you is crying. You’ve made your decision, and changing it means you lose the argument. We don’t want that.

    Never accept defeat

    Even if the points against your argument are as bright as the Kaduna sun, refuse to be defeated. If they do too much, tell them, “I’ve been an expert in this field since before you were born”. That’ll show them.

    Intimidate others into silence

    Directly or indirectly threaten to show them shege if they dare question your authority. They’ll accept your every word as law.

    Play the boss card 

    If it looks like you’re losing, just say, “Do you know more than me?” but don’t even give them the space to answer. Just keep repeating that question.

    It’s like you know more than me, abi?

    RELATED: 9 Appropriate Responses to the Frustrating “Do You Know Who I Am”?

    Tell them you’ll consider it

    If the person has coconut head and still insists on making their opinions heard, tell them you’ll consider it. Then proceed to never think about it again.

    Say, “It’s against policy”

    And don’t bother to explain what policy you’re talking about. The point is, you know more than them, and they need to shut their face.

    Or just sack them

    How dare they question your irrational ways? If you can’t sack them because you’re not a Nigerian boss in real life, sack them from your life and keep it moving.

    ALSO READ: 9 Unmissable Signs That Your Nigerian Boss Is Clueless

    Tife Oni

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  • 9 Unmissable Signs That Your Nigerian Boss Is Clueless

    Rumour has it that Nigerian bosses are a special breed. When they’re not stressing your life expecting you to join team TikTok videos, they’re actually expecting you to work. Imagine a whole bad bitch/hard guy like you having to work for another person to make a living. Ew. 

    Sometimes though, your Nigerian boss is completely clueless and that’s just a different headache. If your boss does at least three things in this list, they’re obviously just winging it. Call them out today. 

    They’re never wrong

    Pure water will go back to ₦5 before your boss agrees to take the blame for their obvious mistakes.

    They have an accent

    Do we really need to tell you that they’re just using fine English to cover up for the fact that they don’t know anything?

    They take credit for your work

    They know you’re the reason the CEO is clapping for your team but will they talk? You guessed it —No!

    You start to do their work

    When your boss starts asking you to teach them how to save a file as a PDF, just know they’re absolutely clueless. 

    They use a MacBook

    See, the only reason your boss uses a MacBook is so that they can look serious. If you look at their laptop screen, it’s Netflix they’re watching 100% of the time. Don’t believe us? Next time you see your MacBook-using boss, run up to them and snatch their laptop before they can switch tabs. You’ll be shocked by what you see. 

    Their head do usually touch

    They’re the overall best in setting rules that do more harm than good and will eventually blame you when things go wrong.

    Your office has a relaxation lounge

    Relaxation lounge? Sorry, did you come here to play? Only someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing will create a place for work and then add a place for playing. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but is your name Jack?

    They know everything (and nothing)

    You might as well try talking to your fan. It’s more likely to listen than your boss.

    They actually ask for your opinion

    You mean to tell me your boss listens to you and asks for your opinion? Clueless!

    Honourable mention – You call them by their name

    A whole boss? Asking you to call them by their first name? Please, please, let’s be serious. Someone who has worked hard to get to where they are is asking you to call them by their name and you think that’s normal? Never. If you’re not calling your boss “Oga sir/madam”, “My leader” “My sponsor” or “My daily bread provider”, then that boss obviously doesn’t know what they’re doing. 

    Our advice for you? Drop them like hot potato!

    Well unless they’re paying you in dollars, in which case, link us up.

    ALSO READ: What’s the pettiest thing your boss has done to you?

    Tife Oni

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  • 7 Sure Ways to Force Your Company to Close for the Holiday

    Who does your boss think they are? Keeping you at the office when Christmas is only a week away? Don’t worry, as always, Zikoko has a solution. These are the steps to claim your title as the boss and CEO of your life, and get the hell out of that office for the holidays.

    1. Don’t show up at all

    My dear, do CEOs rush for anybody? No. You arrive when you arrive because na you dey steer this ship.

    2. Remove your shoes at the door

    If not showing up is too much of a risk for you, it’s okay. You can do this one. Just remove your shoes at the door and walk around the office barefoot. That’s the next step to letting them know you’ve arrived this season.

    3. Move your chair to the middle of the office

    You can jam some music too so the office can have holiday spirit.

    4. Call out his/her bullshit

    Are you fucking want wo se yeye mi! Since HR is sleeping, it’s better to take matters into your own hands. 

    5. Stop bathing and brushing for work 

    You can also move into the office. You have to be committed to this thing. By the time you say good morning twice, your oga can just evacuate the place on your behalf. 

    6. Bring your partner to the office

    There’s no reason to keep your love at bay anymore. If you need privacy, just tell the office to ask their boss to step out so you can have a bit of enjoyment while you work.

    7. Host your family for the day

    Remember when your boss said you were all one big family at the office? This is the time to prove that. Carry your village people with you to help out at the office. A few words of prayer and anointing oil will sanctify the office for a new year. They gonna see werey.

    Try any of these steps and HR will send holiday notice before the week runs out. Then you can chill and take some Zikoko quizzes during the break!

    [donation]

    Ortega

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  • 5 Ways To Deal With Your Boss Spiritually

    Is your Nigerian boss stressing you out? Are they refusing to pay you on time? Do they call you during weekends when you should be resting? Here’s how to “take good care of them.”

    1. Find out their middle name and their maiden name.

    That’s an important thing. It is the only way to ensure that whatever spiritual flogging you are sending to them won’t miss its road. Someone out there might be answering the same name as your boss.

    2. Do a dry fast and three day-vigil.

    Be you a Muslim or a Christian, e no matter. You have just one mission: to deal with your boss. The prayer point is yours and yours alone.

    3. Go to babalawo.

    This is my own specialty. Emi professional evildoer. Let me tell you how to present your boss’ case: Tell the baba or mamalawo that somebody s frustrating you and you want the gods to frustrate them too. I trust the gods. They no dey waste time.

    But if you don’t have the mind for that kind of thing, here’s to scare your boss and make it look spiritual:

    4. Wait until midnight and put a calabash full of sacrifice in front of their door. Here’s what to put in it:

    a. Six boiled eggs

    b. Two pieces of agidi (eko)

    c. Chicken feathers (Kidnap your neighbour’s fowl and pluck the yansh feathers)

    d. Palm oil

    Write your boss’ full name on a large sheet of paper and place the calabash on it. Let your boss wake up and be afraid. Oga wey say him employees no go rest, him sef no go see bed sleep.

    5. Invest your salary in red candles and a yard of red chiffon.

    291 Five Burning Candles Black Background Photos - Free & Royalty-Free Stock Photos from Dreamstime

    Drop it in their lunch pack, tie a piece around their side mirrors, put another one on their chair. Sha don’t let them catch you.

    Do this consistently for 7 days. If that your oga does not change his/ her ways, come and meet us in our office.

    6 Things That Are Now Sold In Sachet In Nigeria

    Kunle Ologunro

  • How To Lie To Your Nigerian Boss After Missing Work For Protests

    If you’re looking to use your youthful energy join in the current peaceful EndSARS protests against police brutality but your boss won’t let you go because “Client is calling and asking for deadlines”, this article is for you.

    We’ll walk you through all the lies you can tell to your boss after you miss work to join the protests.

    1. Call in sick

    Send a mail saying that you’re sick and you can’t move from your bed. You should also probably add that you’ve lost your voice and there’s no point trying to video call you as well because you’ll be asleep all day.

    2. Say Anonymous threatened you

    Tell your boss that the cyber organisation, Anonymous, reached out to you and said that if you didn’t join in the protest, they would leak your nudes. Your boss would understand. They have nudes as well.

    3. Say you got robbed

    You have to be able to act to pull this one off: Tell them that you got robbed overnight and they took your phone, laptop and everything, even the money you would have used to come to work. If they ask why you still have your phone and laptop now that you’re back at work, say that someone caught the thief trying to sell the stuff in Computer Village and brought them back you last night.

    If they still don’t show sympathy, quit.

    4. Say the protesters forced you

    This one is for when you’re presented with pictures of yourself at the protest when you finally get to work. It’s simple and foolproof. You were on your way to work. The protesters saw you. They dragged you out of your car and made you join them. You had no choice.

    5. You heard gunshots

    This one is very believable because the police have been shooting at protesters all over the place. Just say you heard gunshots all over the place and you decided to stay indoors, but you were also too scared to work from home.

    David Odunlami

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