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New Year's Resolution | Zikoko!

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  • If You Don’t Have Money, Don’t Make These New Year’s Resolutions, Abeg 

    Yeah, it’s great to have New Year’s resolutions. But if you don’t have money, stay away from these particular ones. Simple.

    A skincare routine

    Your salary is ₦200k and your New Year’s resolution is to build a skincare routine? LOL. A good cleanser and moisturiser combo is at least ₦15k, and I’ve not even mentioned serum, sunscreen, face masks, etc. The worst part is these things come in tiny containers that don’t last more than two weeks. Just be ready to remove at least ₦50-100k from your account every month. 

    Move out of your parents’ house 

    Do you think people are moving back to their parents’ house because they miss their parents? Ask your friends who have moved out how they’re doing. 

    Become more fashionable

    Even if you say you’ll enter market and buy clothes, those ones too have started charging the same price as Instagram vendors. My good sis, just manage the clothes you have in your wardrobe for now. 

    Go out more

    If you’ve not figured out that outside is expensive, I don’t know what to tell you. The moment you step outside your house, the mighty spirit of billing will be waiting for you. If you plan to go out more this year, find a sponsor (AKA become a sugar baby). 

    Fall in love 

    If nobody told you, as someone who’s currently going through it, if you don’t have money, don’t enter a relationship. Are you ready to buy random “I love you” gifts, anniversary gifts, food, “Thinking about you” gifts, etc.? Davido knew what he was saying when he said, “When money enter, love is sweeter.”  

    ALSO READ: How to Enter a Relationship This 2023

    Diet 

    Okay, I get it, you want to eat healthier this year. But do you know how expensive fruits and vegetables are? I bought one apple for ₦200 the other day, and I almost cried. If it’s a protein diet you want, sorry to you. Egg is now ₦100. Imagine how much chicken would be? 

    Japa

    Even if you get a scholarship for tution, do you have the money to actually leave the country to attend the school? Flight is nothing less than ₦800k, and visa application fees are about ₦300k. Do I need to go on? But what Nigeria cannot do doesn’t exist, so it’ll probably still frustrate you into finding a way to leave. 

    Go to the gym 

    Gyms these days are coming up with new ways to collect money from people every chance they get. Either they’re increasing subscription fees or making up new ones out of nowhere.  Just work out in your house.

    ALSO READ: 9 Ridiculous Things Nigerian Men Shouldn’t Bring into 2023

    Dammy Eneli

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  • What if Nigeria Had New Year’s Resolutions for 2023?

    Nigeria made a resolution to show us pepper last year, and it did. From inflation to Snapchat-filtered naira notes, you’d think it’s done enough. But, what if it has New Year’s resolutions for 2023 too? 

    Be more wicked

    The point is to improve every year. For Nigeria, this means dishing out even more shege.

    Kick Buhari out

    You’d think the eight years of shege Nigeria has seen would make it choose a better leader this time. But Nigeria has really poor taste in leaders, so we’ll just have to wait and see.

    Spend money it doesn’t have

    It’s a new year for Nigeria to live bougie while earning mechanic money. You’re asking Nigeria to live within its means? You must be a clown. Doesn’t matter that its yearly budget can’t survive without borrow-borrow. Nigeria must ball.

    Stop fighting Ghana

    Lowkey, Nigeria knows the rivalry should have ended at Jollof rice. Because why are we arguing with a boring copycat. It doesn’t matter now anyway. They’re both broke, and brokies don’t beef each other. More love, less ego.

    Buy fuel

    This one is a constant. It doesn’t matter that Nigeria has fuel at home. It will still hustle for fuel from other places and pay big money for it.

    Stop taking Burna Boy’s insults

    Maybe Nigeria would finally end this toxic relationship with Nigerian artists and ask them to do better. But we can only hope.

    Win AFCON

    Nigeria already missed the World Cup. Unless it wants to be an olodo by all means, it needs to win AFCON to avoid back-to-back embarrassment.

    Start a reality TV show

    Too much wild stuff happens in Nigeria’s everyday life for it to not be televised. It’s about time. You can tell “Keeping Up With Nigeria” will be an instant hit.

    NEXT READ: 8 Signs You’ve Already Failed Your New Year’s Resolutions

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • QUIZ: What Happened to Your New Year Resolutions?

    We all make new year resolutions and then spend all year acting like they’re not there. It’s time to reflect on your truancy, people. Take this quiz and see how badly you were lying on January 1st.

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • Hilarious Reasons to Maintain Your Ginger In the Gym Beyond January

    After almost 40 days and 40 nights, January is finally coming to an end. 

    Knowing that most of you love to live fake lives, we can bet that the end of January will mark your last day in the gym even after all the “New year, new me” gra-gra you were doing. While working out is hard AF, it comes with a lot of perks. We decided to compile a list of benefits that might inspire you to maintain your gym ginger for at least another three months. 

    1. You did this quitting shit last year already, change. 

    In 2021, you joined the gym in January and didn’t even wait for the month to end before you ran away. Now, here you are again in 2022 about to do the same thing. Are you not ashamed of yourself? Are you not embarrassed? If you want to join, join. If not, stay at home and eat your semo like the heathen that you are. 

    2. So you can fight your boss when they delay your salary 

    This one is very necessary. If you work in an office where they keep owing you salary, we advise you to summon up courage and fight your boss. To do this effectively, you have to be fit. If you beat them once, chances are your salary will never come late again. 

    3. Time to frustrate your ex

    You see that ex that showed you pepper? It’s time to give them revenge body. One of you will have to deactivate their socials because the internet will not be able to contain both of you. 

    4. Win back your ex

    We know some of you, they’ve used rope to tie your destiny. So if your goal is to go back to your ex and win their affection, a new gym body might just do the trick. If they break up with you again, you can channel your hot tears into more reps at the gym. Either way, you win . 

    5. So you can last longer in bed

    Research carried out by people who fornicate regularly seem to indicate that people who work out tend to last longer in bed. Yes, that’s the one you like abi? We’re not surprised. If you’re looking for marathon sex in 2022, we’ll suggest you run a marathon on the treadmill first. Simple arithmetic, that is the figure eight. 

    6. Starting an Onlyfans 

    2022 is about income diversification; banker by day, Onlyfans entrepreneur by night. If you need the motivation to stay in the gym, think of all the cold hard foreign currency you’ll be getting from being a lirru bit spicy on the interwebs. 

    7. Summer 2022 is for crop tops 

    If I don’t start wearing crop tops by June this year, call me a — never mind. 

    8. So you can fight conductors for change

    We’re not taking nonsense this year. It’s time to rack conductors that keep trying us because honestly, enough is enough. If you go to the gym and get big muscles, they won’t even have the liver to try you in the first place. 

    Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

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  • 9 Uncommon New Year’s Resolutions for 2022

    “In 2022, I want to…” Ugh. Tired of all the generic new year’s resolutions that never last beyond five business working days?

    Maybe these nine not-so-common resolutions should be on your list instead.

    1. Tweet more memes

    Imagine if memes suddenly go extinct, and people forgot how to find the “funny” in even the most serious of things? Tragic. Keep memes alive, plis and tenks.

    2. Save more urgent 2ks

    It’ll shock you to learn that “insufficient funds” is no respecter of persons. May the rainy day not find you without an umbrella.

    3. Not making any new year’s resolutions…

    …And avoid people who ask you about your new year’s resolutions.Why? Well, January is tomorrow, don’t worry you cannot change.

    4. Survive “Malaria” and it’s siblings

    Every disease manifesting as malaria; Omicron and other COVID variants or whatever they call themselves better stay away from you and yours.

    5. Delete all your dating apps

    It’s not like we’re shading you oh, but since you’ve had those apps, did you find the love of your life? Delete, delete, delete.

    6. Own things with your chest

    You want to wear your clothes inside out? Own that shit with your full chest. Nobody will beat you. Periodddd.

    7. Have one of your tweets go viral

    You’ll know you’ve made it in 2022 if at least one of your tweets goes VIRAL, overnight. Make it happen.

    8. Be someone’s new year’s resolution

    Ehen nau. First off, you are not a potato. So surely, someone somewhere must have you on their wishlist for 2022.

    9. Find a bag of money by the roadside

    Whether Baco bag or Ghana-must-go, bag is bag. The goal is to find money you didn’t work for. It might seem impossible just like other new year’s resolutions, but the Lord is your strength.

    Don’t forget to share this with someone who hates new year’s resolutions.

    Cheers, and have a happy new year!

    [newsletter]

    Susan Nwaobiala

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  • QUIZ: How Long Will Your New Year’s Resolution Last?

    It’s another new year to set unrealistic goals for ourselves. Take this quiz to find out how long your new year’s resolution will last.

    [donation]

    Eris Ekanem

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  • 8 Signs You’ve Already Failed Your New Year’s Resolutions

    We’re only five days into the year and if you wrote new year’s resolutions, we’re here to guilt trip you about the ones you’re already failing at.

    1. You had fufu for dinner last night

    “I cannot come and kill myself”

    2. You didn’t work out this morning

    We’re just five days into the year and you’ve already missed three days of working out? Maybe the summer body will come in 2022 because this year’s own has already passed.

    3. You’ve been on Twitter all day

    Remember the goal you set about spending more time off Twitter because you needed to get more shit done? How’s that going?

    4. You’ve not read your Bible/Quran today

    Is it by force for you to start every year by lying to yourself that you’ll read the holy book every day?

    5. You drank soda yesterday

    We’re judging you.

    6. You’ve not drank one liter of water today

    But you promised to drink one full keg of water every 5 minutes because you want clear skin.

    7. You called your ex last night

    Move on.

    8. You’ve broken your kolo

    Well…

    [donation]

    David Odunlami

  • 7 Nigerian Women Share How They Spent New Year’s Eve

    New year’s eve is the one day in the year that carries the hopes of millions of people around the globe. It is the day we round up and settle all affairs of the previous year while looking forward to a new year. Today, I asked Nigerian women about how they spent their new year’s eve.

    1. Sarah, Day dreaming of penis

    I spent new year’s eve at my mother’s house thinking of all the penis I wasn’t getting and how annoying it is that I wasn’t going to be kissed into the new year. Also, I’m not at my spiritual best right now so, I wasn’t too pumped about joining the crossover service but I did anyway. It’s so annoying that I was sober hence giving my mind room to panic and worry about the new year.

    2. Grace, Playing video games with my man

    My boyfriend and I spent the first part of the day opening the rest of our Christmas presents over wine and cookies. Then, watched “Death to 2020” on Netflix and planned a stroll around 11:55 pm to watch the fireworks. We ended up playing some new video game by 11:00 pm, this went on for over an hour. We took a break 12:00 am to shout “HAPPY NEW YEAR” and went back to gaming till 2:00 am.

    3. Lara, A blunt, phone sex and Jesus

    My crossover into 2021 has been one of the most unusual ones I’ve had yet. At around 10ish, I snuck to the back of our house to smoke the fattest joint with my brother. High as a kite I called my favourite lover and had him talk me through the most delicious orgasm. I wanted him to be my last nut of the year and he was. Post orgasmic and high asf, I gather with my mum and siblings to pray into the new year. I loved it. I was so happy and grateful for my lover and my family.

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    4. Zainab, Lagos traffic gave me the best gift

    This new year’s eve has to be one of my best ones ever. Since my lover had to travel, I set out to get alcohol and food so I can Netflix and chill into the new year. I had some weed at home so I was set. However, he got stuck in some gangster level traffic. He left home at 1:30 pm and at 8:00 pm, he still hadn’t gotten to the interchange and there was still heavy traffic ahead. Oga just turned back and came home (yay me!).

    I was already buzzed from the drinking and weed. At 11:45, we were both tipsy, so I just randomly started yapping about how he made my 2020 better and my hopes for the new year and how much I loved him. He did the same and we just had that intimate moment into the new year and kissed. It was perfect. In those few hours, we had no care in the world. We were happy as can be and I’ll like to maintain that happiness throughout the year.

    5. Nneka, Twitter drama and music

    I knew I didn’t want to spend new year’s eve in church, not really into the prophetic declaration and shouting into the year. I’m Catholic and it’s subtle, but I still wasn’t interested. I thought I would sleep through it but that didn’t work. I stayed on Twitter till when I saw Dangobabe’s gist (Loved it). At a few minutes to 12:00 am, I listened to cultural praise by Kcee while doing my night routine and rounded up with the sign of the cross at 12:00 am because I still need Jesus.

    6. Temi, Intense penising to fireworks

    My partner and I had a silly argument on new year’s eve. We even broke up just a few hours to new year’s day. Somehow, we managed to reconcile our differences. We went to the balcony to watch the fireworks as we did a countdown into the new year. That’s how oga’s penis entered me as we entered the new year. Have you ever had sex to the sound of fireworks? It’s like making love in a warzone. I started the new year with an orgasm and it’s safe to say that makeup sex >>>>>.

    7. Oluchi, I slept into the new year

    All my life, I have had to spend new year’s eve in church with my family, praying for a better year. I recently got my own apartment so I’m made my own rules. New year’s eve, I drank, smoked, listened to music and slept off watching Family Guy. I woke up to missed calls and messages from family members wishing me a happy new year.

    donation]

    Eris Ekanem

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  • QUIZ: When Will You Break Your New Year’s Resolution?
    Because let’s be honest, you will break it.

    Odunayo

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