Even after waiting so long for January salary, we all know it won’t last. Take this quiz and we’ll tell you what will finish your money.
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This Is How You Should Treat Your January Salary
January salary is scared for its life right now, and it should be. After making us wait for so long, it should know we have a lot in store for it. Because why did it take the whole year to arrive? Now that it’s here, this is how you should treat it.
First of all, shed tears of joy
Do you know how long this month was? You could’ve completed a Master’s degree program in January alone. Give thanks that your wait is finally over.
Have one last look at the complete money in your account
Nothing is sweeter than seeing a round figure in your account on salary day, even though you know it won’t last 24 hours.
Think of all the things you suffered in January
Think back to the times when you were struggling in the ghetto of sapa, before your salary showed up as salvation.
Prepare to start tearing it into pieces
Enough of the fantasies. It’s time to spend money like a bandit. Your time has finally come after waiting for so long.
Buy food
You can’t do this on an empty stomach. You need to spend some of the salary on food first. Eat well before you fully settle into the cash that just came your way.
Make a budget
If you don’t want to spend like a bandit, make a budget of the things you want. You’ll probably not follow it, but at least, don’t plan to fail from the beginning nau.
Step outside
You’ve been an introvert all month because you don’t have money. It’s time for your true personality to show itself once again.
Start begging your last cash not to leave you
After you’ve enjoyed yourself and realise it’s only the 10th of February, you need to start begging the last ₦10k in your account not to leave you.
Wait for February salary
Ultimately, you know it’ll leave. So just take your mind off it and start preparing for February salary.
NEXT READ: 13 Things Nigerians Who Are Always Broke In January Will Get
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8 Habits You Should Pick Up to Survive January
Before you join the million other people hating on January, you should know there are things you can do to help make it suck a little less.
Start doing these things if you want to get through January in one piece.
Fast
To make it better, some churches declare fasts in January. Even if you aren’t religious, you can pretend it’s because you want to lose the Christmas weight, and not because your account balance is dead and buried. You can’t go wrong with fasting.
Become an introvert
It’s not like there’s anywhere you can go. The parties are over, and most people are back to steady grinding.
But still attend owambes
People will still throw wedding parties every weekend like they’re not in this same Nigeria. That’s their own. Your own is to attend and eat free food.
Trek everywhere
Use it as a form of exercise. You can even think about your life and why you thought it was okay to finish your December salary before Christmas while at it.
RELATED: 7 Ways to Prevent “Insufficient Funds” From Choking You in January
Start fights for no reason
Because you need to let out your frustrations. Fight with danfo conductors, or just drag people on Twitter, if throwing physical blows isn’t your thing.
Drink more water
A wise woman once said, “The one whose stomach is filled with water doesn’t desire food” or something like that. To make yourself feel better, you can even say you’re doing it for clearer skin.
Become prayerful
Make no mistake, you’ll need an all-powerful force to keep you relatively sane this month. The good thing is it works hand-in-hand with fasting.
Try your hand at motivational quotes
You need to believe you can aspire to maguire because the 774 days in January will try to break your spirit. Be prepared.
NEXT READ: How to Work When Work Is the Last Thing on Your Mind
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Here’s How to Plan Your December Money So You Can Survive January
Your December might be detty but have you thought about January yet? We’re giving you this cheat code way ahead of time so you don’t scream “sapa” again early next year, please.
Have a budget
Yes, we know this is the month to prove how much of a baller you are, but don’t get carried away. Plan your money so you don’t cry hot tears next month. If you don’t know how to be a baller on a budget, we’ve got you covered.
Gatecrash all the parties
Five minutes of fun before they kick you out is definitely worth it. Don’t sleep on this tactic for your December. If you’re finding it hard to gatecrash any party, show up like this.
…Or stay in your house
Maybe just stay in your house and watch people ball on the internet. Or watch the World cup instead. Second-hand enjoyment isn’t such a bad thing, you know. At least, you won’t get a bill in the end.
Bill your rich friends
It’s your detty December, but why not have someone else pay for it so you can ball without having chest pain every five minutes? Bill your rich friends and forget your problems this month.
Avoid family gatherings
Your village people will come for their annual dues if you attend any huge family gatherings this December. If you must attend, don’t lose guard, for the sake of your pocket.
Buy yourself December clothes
You still want to look like your December is detty even though you’re taking things easy. Perception is everything, so use your drip to hide the fact that January winter is on its way. Impress people with your fresh new drip to limit the pressure to spend just to prove a point.
Or find someone to buy them for you
You can even rope someone into buying you clothes so you don’t have to spend anything to look suave this December. What’s sweeter than using someone else’s money to enjoy life? Absolutely nothing. Nigerian politicians would know.
NEXT READ: It’s Not Detty December if You Don’t Do These Things
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If You Want to Survive the 100 days of January, Just Follow These 10 Steps
How is 2020 looking for you, my fellow outside people? It’s day seven of January, and we still have about 100 more days to go. So while you hold on to the memories of Detty December in your current state of SAPA, I advise you to cut out these expenses this year.
1. Stop buying food
You can just disguise and join the fitfam people this month to blend grass into smoothies. Or you can join that 90 days dry fasting happening at your church. Who knows, you may even win the fight against your village people.
2. Cancel every Netflix ‘n’ Chill
You want to bam ba? You want to chill with the big boys? Lol. I honestly can’t help you. See you on day 100 of January.
3. Delete any title of boss/iyawo oga
Before they say chairman or boss, just start rolling on the floor. You are not anybody’s boss in Jesus name. You can even hang a SAPA placard on your back.
4. Block all your friends and stay at home
This is the time to avoid any catch me outside talk. Omarion is kuku there now, so just stay in your house. Anybody that didn’t see you in December should rest.
5. Go back to your parents’ house
What’s that saying again? There’s no place like home abi? Forget about being a bad bitch or tech bro, better bend down and wash the plates in the sink so you can see free food.
6. Travel with your sugar mummy/daddy
Two heads are better than one. Better answer that DM and head to Dubai to shake what your momma gave you on a yacht. At your own risk sha, because anything you see, just take it like that.
7. Dump your partner
Just tell them it’s you,not them. They won’t even question whether it was about SAPA since Valentine’s Day is still far away. You’re welcome.
8. Sell everything you own
Vanity upon vanity is vanity. That human hair and PS5 you’re looking at right now is three months of food. You better post it for the highest bidder and focus on surviving.
9. Host your own heist
What’s a little La Casa de Papel? all the money the government has been borrowing technically belongs to you.
10. Sleep
If all else fails, sleep. Is it in your dream somebody will be asking you, “Savings or current?”.
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7 Memes You’ll Relate To If You’re Already Broke For The Month
We’re on the fifth day of January’s 1000 days and after and you’re probably already out of money and looking for giveaway on Twitter. Me too, so I made a compilation of memes we’ll both be able to relate to.
1. When you suddenly realise that you have to wait till the end of the month to collect your salary
“Can I survive this month like this?”
2. And then you remember that January has 1000 days
Day 5 of 1000
3. And you start thinking about what you spent your money on
“Who asked me to do detty December?”
4. You’ll even start second guessing yourself
“Abi I have money somewhere that I don’t know about.”
5. Then you look through your contacts to see who is owing you money
Thompson is owing me 5k since 2012, let me call him.
6. When someone adds “money” to the end of your name
“Femi Money, do giveaway!”
7. How you laugh whenever your boss tells a joke
In case there’s a surprise mid-January bonus.
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How To Survive Never-Ending January On What’s Left Of Your December Salary
Remember how you were paid your salary super early in December and you proceeded to use that salary to paint the town red all month long, forgetting that the world wasn’t ending on the 31st?
Of course, you do. Thanks to your commitment to the “treat yo self” philosophy last month, we’re not even yet halfway into January and your bank account is almost empty. You are so broke, your December bank statement email from your bank ended with a laughing emoji. Yes, your pitiful account balance gave the bank people a good laugh.
Don’t worry though. I’m here to show you how you can successfully survive on what’s left of your December salary so you’re not left holding a sign like this by the end of January.
You know why “stuff” is in quotes on that sign. Don’t pretend.
Quit eating out.
Don’t go with your coworkers to that fancy restaurant for lunch. Avoid that fast food joint you keep thinking about because you’re craving meat pies and ice cream. Your mantra needs to become “there’s rice at home”. The only exceptions are when you’re invited out and the invitee offers to pay for you. Either that or you invite someone out with the promise of paying for them but then when you’re done eating, you escape through the toilet window, leaving the gbese of the bill on their head.
Will a stunt like that kill that relationship forever? Yes. But would you rather have friends or starve?
Go ask your parents for money.
Swallow your pride and act like you’re just there to visit because it’s been a while and you miss them. Gain points by doing chores and even spend the night so you can keep them company. During this time, remind them how good they have it that they have you as a child and not some chronic alcoholic with a growing meth addiction. Then when it’s time to leave, casually mention that you need a “loan”.
Feel free to throw in a few tears if it looks likes proceedings aren’t going your way.
In the event that things don’t go your way in the scenario described in the last entry, steal from them.
The game is the game. Take any useful thing you can find. Stray cash, foodstuff, cooked food etc. They’re your parents and they’ll forgive you eventually.
Find a way to reduce transport costs.
Now is the time to break out your hitchhiker’s thumb so you can solicit for free rides from other commuters with cars going your way and hope to God they’re not crazy. Because if you get murdered while hitchhiking, all the blog posts about your death will read like the first 4 minutes of every horror movie ever.
A sad cliché.
If you fall sick, just wait out the illness.
Have you been to a hospital lately? Consultation fees alone are insane. Tack on the fees for treatment and you’ll see that it’ll be cheaper to just keel over and die. No matter what illness befalls you, just get plenty of rest and lots of fluids. There’s an 18% chance you’ll be fine.
Ladies and gentlemen, the trick is to find ways to get the things you need without having to pay for them. Like a wise queen once said:
The wise queen was Lil Kim.
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10 Cheap Meals To Keep You Satisfied When You Inevitably Go Broke This January
At the end of last year, you were most likely paid your December salary really early in the month. You were super stoked because that meant you could flex as hard as you wanted during the festive period.
And flex you did.
Forgetting that that salary was also supposed to last you throughout the next month.
Now you’re broke, even though it’s the only the second week of January. You’re losing weight because you’ve been forced to go on a diet by your near-empty bank account. If this describes your current situation, I’m here to help.
Here is a a list of 10 cheap meals that’ll keep you satisfied until January salary enters.
1. Bread and butter
Throw in a 50cl bottle of Pepsi and you get the bricklayer special!
2. Cabin biscuits and Milk
Pour the milk in the biscuits (like a human) or crush the biscuits and throw them in the milk (like a f***ing psychopath) to get a delicious bowl of what hungry boarding school students decades ago affectionately called biscuit flakes (even though the end result couldn’t be further from being flaky).
3. Cabin biscuits and sardines
Squeeze your face all you want, but I can personally vouch for this outrageous but totally delicious combo.
4. Raw instant noodles soaked in cold water for like 40 minutes.
Is it kinda disgusting? Yes. Will you gag the first few times you try it? Also yes. But it does get better after a while, and you really don’t have a choice because you’re broke. So shut up and learn to love the taste of vomit.
5. Eba mixed with palm oil and pepper
Pouring the oil and pepper in during the eba-making process. I’ve never tried it myself but I imagine it’ll taste a lot like stale palm oil flavoured cotton candy.
6. Raw instant noodles.
Because who has all that time (and technical know-how) to actually cook it, right? Just take it out of the pack and eat it like a snack. No one will judge you (too much).
7. Mayonnaise
Just Mayonnaise. Eat it straight out of the jar or put it in a bowl so you can lie that it’s ice cream if you get caught. And even if you do get caught, you’re a (broke) grown-ass adult and you can do whatever you want.
8. Butter
Just butter. If you like some crunch in your munch (and don’t mind a little diabetes when you hit 50), throw some ground sugar in the mix. Eat it straight out of the container or put it in a bowl so you can lie that it’s custard if you get caught. And even if you do get caught, you’re a (broke) grown-ass adult…
9. Bread and Gala
Works with any sausage roll, really. For when the bread and butter/mayo combo becomes too mainstream.
10. Salad
Did you really think I was going to end this without including some healthy greens? The best thing about salads (apart from their high nutritional value) is that you don’t have to cook them. Just cut up and enjoy. Too lazy to cut? Eat the ingredients individually and wash it down with a cold bottle of salad cream.
No need to thank me, you guys. I’m just…
