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Do you have someone owing you money and they have refused to pay? They may also be dodging your calls and flexing on social media? Well, desperate times call for desperate measures so follow this guide to collect your money from all the onigbeses in your life.
Hint: An onigbese is someone who’s owning your money.
1) Take their matter to the mountain
Have you never heard of praying for your enemies? Sometimes, you need to take their full name to the church and pray.
2) Pretend to be a delivery person
When the onigbese in question starts avoiding your calls and is always “out”, you need to get a new number and pretend to be a delivery person. Tell them that anon has paid for something and they need to collect it. On the day of the delivery, bundle them. Sometimes, you need to show people they call you “Scorpion” on the streets.
3) Print wanted posters.
Take one of their pictures and caption it “Wanted, debtor. If found, please return.” Include your social media handle. Some people only know how to respond to disgrace.
4) If they are Christians, give testimony in their church
If you know the church they attend, this is perfect. The Sunday they are in church, agree to give a testimony. Say that you had a dream where the Lord revealed to you that all your debtors who have refused to pay before a certain period of time will fall down and die. After you give the testimony, leave the church. The Onigbese involved will be the one to contact you.
5) Put them up for sale
Please, you won’t actually sell them, but you will advertise them. By the time they see their face circulating all over Instagram and Twitter as “Debtor for sale”, they will pay. Quickly.
6) Drag them like small generator
No pity, no remorse. Just be casting them every day on social media. You can even create an account called “countdown till x pays me back my money”. The problem is that some of these people do not have an iota of shame.
7) Collect a loan and use them as a guarantor
Collect a loan equals to the amount they owe you from a notorious loan shark, and use them as your guarantor. Then, travel out of the country. The loan shark will find them and collect their money back.
8) Fake your death and haunt them
Pretend to die, and ask your family to try collecting the money on your behalf. If the onigbese in question still does not agree, then it is time to wear white cloth, rub dusting powder and haunt them. Go to their house, call their name three times, and ask them to pay you back or they die. Sometimes, you need to instil fear into their hearts. Just make sure the debtor does not see you coming down from an okada on your way to haunt them.
If any of these work and you eventually collect your money, please donate some to us. Thank you
Are you tired of running this rat race, just to end up earning peanuts? We feel you, and so we’ve created this guide specially for you, so you can ask your boss for a raise.
Don’t forget us when you’re doing giveaway.
1. First of all, know that once you start, you can’t back out
You can’t go halfway through and say you’re not doing again, so if you don’t want to risk eternal unemployment, just know that once you start, you must finish. Ehen.
2. Now, send a formal email stating that you would like your salary to be increased
Send it with your full chest. If your salary is ₦100,000 and you want them to increase it to 2 BTC, write it there. Closed mouths don’t get fed. Don’t you know that you’re bringing value to their company?
3. If that doesn’t work, walk into your oga’s office and try to talk to them
Try to sort it out man to man.
4. If they’re still being stubborn, tell them that they have one more chance
Dear sir, things about to get ugly. You will run me my coins whether you like it or not.
5. Now, try to seduce them
As you’re rubbing their chest, just take the opportunity to remind them about that raise they wanted to give you. Apologise for threatening them.
5. If they don’t budge, threaten to expose them
Even if you don’t know what to threaten them about, tell them that you’ll leak their secret. Ogas always have dirty secrets.
7. Challenge them to a duel. If you win, you get a raise
Haven’t you heard that the violent take it by force?
If there is anything Nigerian babes have learned from politicians, it is how to hide their wealth. You will be dating a Nigerian babe and thinking you are both hustlers until a strong wind blows and you realise that Dangote is taking lessons from her.
Never again, kings. Here are 12 ways to know your girlfriend is a rich woman.
1. She has a PiggyVest app.
She’ll probably lie that she has no money there. Isn’t that all women do? They lie. But ask her to show you her Safe Lock. That’s how you’ll know your babe is competing with Jeff Bezos, Forbes just never sabi her.
2. Ask her how much her nail tech charges.
12-15k It’s once in a while so it’s pretty decent to me.
I can assure you, she spends nothing less than 5k. Here’s further proof.
I did my nail at a new place today and it was 8k cheaper than my regular nail tech,🌚 however the quality isn’t the same, it close but definitely not as perfect as it would have been😕
3. If she has up to 3 wigs, even Elon Musk fears her.
Guy, do you know how much one quality wig costs? Just one oh, let alone three or whatever number she has.
4. She has either of these shoes in her collection.
If she has both of them, please this is how you should be greeting her everyday:
Tuale Mama! Two hands for one person. No more tuale double puate!
That woman can help your destiny oh.
5. She owns at least 1 dress from an online vendor.
Calculate cost of fabric, sewing, delivery and other logistics of one dress. Now multiply it with the number of dresses she has bought from an online vendor. Do the maths, I dare you.
6. She goes out to eat creamy pasta at least two times a week.
Creamy pasta that you usually budget before you eat, that’s what your Nigerian girlfriend is consuming like water. Hmm.
7. She knows the meaning of these two logos.
Or she has them on her phone. You are dating a pocket-size Folorunsho Alakija. You better hold her tight.
8. They know her at Keje Grills.
Abuja babes, fall out!
9. She has never asked you for money.
Do you need further proof that your Nigerian girlfriend is a silent millionaire?
10. She has asked you for money.
That’s the thing with those rich babes. Them no dey ever like to spend their own money. Besides, if she does not ask you for money, how will you know she’s rich?
11. She and her friends have ‘brunch’ days, and it looks like this.
Actions speak louder than words oh.
12. She is planning to wear Deola Sagoe on her wedding day.
I don’t want to wear Deola Sagoe for just my wedding. I want to wear her pieces whenever I want to. An icon.
“A person who does not know where his mates are succeeding will just die for nothing.” African proverb (and if it’s not African, take it like that).
While you are here crying out of poverty, people are cashing out seriously with very little work. How? By tattooing the face of a celebrity on their bodies!
Oh please don’t be scared. Me I know how you can do it that you will cash out.
Let me teach you.
a. Identify the celebrity that will be your cash machine.
Important qualities to look for:
b. Find those ones that are very active on social media. Any small matter, they chook mouth.
If you pick someone like Genevieve Nnaji, I’m sorry, but you have just wasted a portion of your body that you cannot get back.
c. Target Yoruba socialites (Don’t make me mention anybody’s name, plis), Yoruba Nollywood actors and actresses. You know, find your way into that circle.
d. You can also target politicians or Nigeria as a whole. You may not get money oh, but at least you will have donated your body to a worthless cause.
Exhibit 1.
Exhibit 2. Imagine carrying such a problematic coat of arms of your body forever. Hmm. It will take God’s intervention to separate you from jagajaga.
But enough of this shalaye. HOW DO YOU CASH OUT FROM YOUR TATTOOS??
Word on the street is that a celebrity tattoo can fetch you between N100K to N1m. Imagine that. ONE MILLION NAIRA. Just to do this?
Best believe I’ll cover myself completely in like 68 tattoos. N1m x 68 = N68m. That is, N68,000,000.
Me, after I draw the tattoos.
But your village people can manifest at that time sha. And things can go wrong for you, just like it did for my madam here.
Apparently, she got a tattoo of Bobrisky. While she was waiting for cashout so she can go and ball, her father disowned her. As if her condition could not get even poorer, Bobrisky did not acknowledge her.
Alexa, play ‘Problem.’
But her guardian angel did not overdose on Fufu. Bobrisky finally responded.
And just like that, my good sis is a millionaire.
Another good example is my homegirl, MandyKiss, who tattooed Naira Marley on her leg and became an ‘internet sensation’.
How so? Naira Marley followed her back on Instagram! If that is not enough clout, then I don’t know what it is.
So, there you have it. Pick your target and tattoo away.
Omo the country is hard and things are expensive. How can a poor person like me and you survive like this with a salary that vanishes the moment you buy one thing?
My salary after I buy one plate of food.
How best can we make our salary last longer? We might have some ideas for you!
1. Make a list of things you need to get and do
Groceries, Wi-Fi, money for girlfriend one, two and three…
2. Disregard that list because Nigeria is a mad place
I mean, those people in their uniforms *cough, cough* have budgeted your own salary for themselves anyways
If your salary has finished or you’re on your last leg, I welcome you. Seeing as I fit into one the categories above, I asked 10 people how they’d manage their last ₦10,000 till the end of the 100 days of January.
When are we collecting the salary we'll spend in January?
1) “Bless the money so it can multiply like Jesus did.”
2) “How can you manage 10,000 for 100 days?”
3) “Fast, and use the money to break your fast at the end of the month.”
4) “Put that ₦10,000 in Cowrywise, not Piggyvest. Cowrywise because they won’t let you break the bank no matter how hard you try.”
5) “Don’t forget to cry every morning. You’ll need it to get through the day.”
6) “Buy Bitcoin and pray it doesn’t cast.”
7) “Just try not to breathe because Lagos air alone is ₦2,500.”
8) “I’m averse to suffer head so I’ll fist buy beer and pepper soup. Then I’ll use the change to rent a gun. I should be sorted after one or two operations.”
9) “I’m sorry, I can’t relate.”
10) “I’ll first buy ₦5,000 suya to calm myself down. Then I’ll think of the next step.”
How would you manage ₦10,000 till the end of January? Let us know in the comments section!
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.
As we anticipate the 100th episode of the Nairalife series, here are 10 must-read episodes from the series:
I like this story for a couple of reasons. First, it’s a story about the dark underbelly of city life. I also like it because the #NairaLife before it was about a designer. Except that the previous designer was earning 10 times more than this designer was earning. When you read these stories side by side, it’s an early #Nairalife lesson for me in how a ton of factors, beyond talent, drive success.
This housewife shook the internet. Why? She tried everything. 9-5’s, entrepreneurship, and you know what she chose? To be a housewife. What exactly is ambition?
The suffering in this one is immense. This guy literally trailed off whatever path he’d dreamed for himself. I can’t stop thinking about that one exam he couldn’t pay for…
Marriage can come at a steep cost for women, and no Nairalife epitomises this more than any. Shortly after the marriage, she got pregnant. And then everything changed.
I really enjoyed this one because it was the first #Nairalife peek into the 70s and 80s. This woman went through it. She remains the oldest subject of Nairalife till date.
Some #NairaLife stories mess up your insides. But some of them fill you with hope. This story of how one skill transformed the life of a student and his family will forever be close to my heart.
It’s common to hear people talk about “Oh, go to therapy.” This Nairalife is about what it’d look like if people went to therapy. Frankly, the subject of this Nairalife even got lucky.
On March 10 2020, I published the first-ever “A Week In The Life” story. It addressed the struggles of a female Keke driver who was punching her weight in a male-dominated field while also doubling as a breadwinner. This theme of understanding people’s work struggles set the tone for the rest of the episodes in the series.
Since then, I’ve spoken to over 40 Nigerians with different jobs, struggles, and wins. These stories have opened minds, sparked conversations, and changed the life of subjects along the way.
As the year comes to a close, I’ve gathered 10 of the biggest hits in this series.
Today’s subject is Joke, a call centre agent at the Nigeria Centre for Disease Control (NCDC). She tells us how her life has changed since Coronavirus was first announced and what she looks forward to the most after the pandemic is over.
The subject for today’s “A Week In The Life” is *Tola. He collects money at the bus park, and he’s what Nigerians refer to as Agbero. He talks about wanting to quit his job, his faith in God and why he shows up every day.
Today’s subject is Amope, a Nigerian woman who sells sex toys. She walks us through business during COVID, her Christian faith, and not being ashamed to promote her business using her face.
The subject for today is Mr A, a mortician. He talks about his first day on the job, people asking him for human parts, and why he lives intentionally.
Today’s subject is Chief Ogunsekan, a coffin maker. He tells us how being the boundary between the living and dead has shaped his outlook of the world.
The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is an online sex worker in her early twenties. She talks about hating her body, the Nigerian factors like NEPA that affect her work, and her biggest fear of one day getting exposed.
The subject for today’s A Week In The Life is Micheal, a Jumia delivery agent. He walks us through combining being a delivery agent with fatherhood. The challenges of business in a pandemic and his plans for the future.
The subject of today’s A Week In The Life is Adeyemi, a tanker driver. She tells us about being a woman in a male-dominated field, dreaming big, and discovering herself through her job.
The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is Mercy. She’s a house help in her early twenties. She talks about leaving home to come to Lagos, the difficulties of her job and how bosses can be mean to house helps.
Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out.Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.
You are on your last 5k, but your bills are definitely more than 5k. Here are some ways you can turn your last 5k to 500k.
1) Buy data
How will you be able to locate the tech bae that can give you half a million if you do not have data? Better buy some data and start tweeting things like “Javascript>>>>> Python” or “The UI/UX of the web interface is entirely impractical”. Work smarter, not harder.
2) Use the money for transportation to your babalawo
You want that kind of miracle to occur and you think some spiritual things will not go down? You lie. Locate your nearest baba and start to manifest
3) Sow seed in church
When you walk into church, grab the neck of your pastor and tell him that you are dropping your last card and you expect a miracle or else. By the time you use your seed to instill the fear of the spirit in him, something will happen.
Your pastor every night, praying for your miracle
4) Thief am
How much is gun or cutlass and black mask? Buy and use the rest as transport. That bank that has been deducting money from you anyhow, time to collect with interest.
How you show up to the bank
5) Start a ponzi scheme
See, I want to introduce you to something. With 5k, you bring 15 people. Those fifteen people will bring another 15. By the time all of them pay their 5k, you have cashed out.
6) Enter streets
Use the 5k to revamp your wardrobe and then stand on the road and pray for a glucose guardian. Do not think it is gender specific, men too can enter street and shake their money makers.
Yes dear
7) Pretend to die
Use out of the 5k to buy cotton wool and let your friend say you have died. By the time your family has raised the money for your burial, revive and claim it.
“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.
The subject of today’s “A Week In The Life” is a pharmacist and a medical sales rep. He talks about some of the challenges he faces in his line of work, feeling overqualified for his role, and his plans for retirement.
MONDAY:
I wake up by 7 a.m. every day to listen to the news on the radio. I have two shows that I listen to by 7 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. These shows keep me abreast of the latest developments in the country, and they also allow me to monitor the direction the country is headed. If I’m on the road early, I listen to the radio in my car. If I’m at home, I listen online. After I’m done with the shows, my day usually begins.
Today is a weird day for me. I can’t go to work because my car is getting fixed at the mechanic. A typical work day involves a virtual meeting with my team in the morning followed by more meetings with doctors later in the day. In the evening, I’ll go to pharmacies to tell them about some of the products my company stocks. Many times, because my market territory is on the island and I live on the mainland, I’ll go to a nice restaurant to wait out the traffic. I’m a fan of seafood, so I usually order calamari or seafood spaghetti with a very cold glass of Heineken to wash it down.
But there will be none of all that today. Today is dedicated to my mechanic.
TUESDAY:
I feel like I’m overqualified for my role as a sales rep. There’s so much more I have to offer, but it’s difficult to show this because my time doesn’t even belong to me. The hardest part of my job is the waiting time before I see a doctor. I might wait for 3 hours just to have a 10 mins conversation with them. When you add Lagos traffic plus the fact that I have a certain number of doctors to see per day, it’s difficult not to work weekends if I really want to get the job done. It’s annoying when I drive down from the mainland to the island and the doctor is not there because it means I’ve wasted a certain number of hours on travel time. The truth is that I spend more time waiting to see a doctor than I spend in traffic.
But being a sales rep has good parts too. Like coming to an agreement with a doctor who sees the benefits of my drug and starts prescribing it. Another thing that makes me happy is when I hold a wonderful presentation. I know that some people only attend because of free food, but I’m not bothered because they are not my target audience. Most times I’m usually just trying to get one or two key players to sit down in the room, so every other person coming for food is just collateral damage.
At the back of my mind, I know that this is not a job I can do for a long time. I’m working as a rep because I plan to build a career in branding and marketing later in life, and this is part of the process. I’ve given myself a timeline of one year to move on from the role, and I’ve also been taking relevant marketing courses to help me with the switch.
I’m doing all this so I can retire when I’m 45 years old, play golf before my hair turns grey and just listen to my radio.
WEDNESDAY:
Being a good sales rep is about selling yourself — you should be able to sell a product as well as your personal brand. Before anyone decides to use your product, they have to trust the information you’ve given them and that’s by trusting what they see. Nobody looks good and sells an inferior product. Sometimes I see reps from big companies and I wonder why they don’t look the part. Even if you enter a big company without looking the part, the moment you start to interact with colleagues and prescribers there should be a noticeable change in your appearance. People treat you how you treat yourself.
Successful reps should also be able to network because the good jobs come based on referrals. It’s usually just someone seeing you and saying you’ll make a good sales rep. My motto is simple: you have to look the part to act the part. Then there’s also the grace of God and the function of time because there’s only so much you can do.
Speaking of things I can do, I’ve been thinking of getting a driver lately. These last few days without driving have been blissful but now that my car is back, the grind continues. With a driver, I’ll be able to get a few hours of sleep in the car so I wouldn’t have to sleep for long at night. I can still get home and do my course or read a book instead of sleeping for another 6 – 8 hours. I don’t think I should be sleeping this much If I plan to retire at 45.
THURSDAY:
I got pulled over by the police today. Something annoying that policemen do when they stop sales rep is to ask for antimalarials and other drugs. Not every rep carries medicines. Some of us only detail the benefits to the prescribers. Another time, I was coming home around 11 pm after waiting out traffic and a car was chasing me behind with speed. In my mind, I was like who’s this action man and what’s the person driving? The next thing I noticed a torchlight by my side and apparently it was SARS. One of them immediately cocked his gun and I had to tell him “oga, it has not come to this.” After searching my boot, they started asking me questions about my age and trying to match it to the car I was driving [sales reps usually drive the latest car models]. After a while they let me go. I guess I’m one of the lucky ones. I just wonder what would have happened if I had panicked and ran because I thought they were armed robbers. I guess that’s just a typical day in the life of anybody trying to earn an honest living in Lagos.
FRIDAY:
There are so many misconceptions about being a rep in Nigeria. Some people believe that the work is chilling and there’s no stress. Other people believe that we disturb our clients which are usually doctors and pharmacists. I think that if you’re with the right person, they won’t see it as a disturbance. And if they do, you’re doing something wrong because it’s supposed to be a value system where I’m adding or exchanging knowledge with my clients.
It’s also funny when customers always believe that I’m trying to make a sale when many times I’m more invested in the customer journey. The first time I meet someone, I’m not trying to sell because at that point, I’m still trying to figure out their needs.
The job can be rigorous. I’ve heard cases of bribes and cutting corners to meet revenue targets but my company doesn’t allow any of that. We’re mandated to play by the book so it can also be frustrating when people think all reps are the same. You’ll hear that people are dating clients of the opposite sex just to get business advantage. Some even go as far as dating key people in several hospitals, and I keep asking: “to what end?”
My advice to anyone trying to become a rep is to be patient before joining a company, study their culture well and learn about their deductibles before joining. After they’ve removed money for the car, tab, etc, what’s left at the end of the month? Don’t play yourself. Also, when starting relationships with your clients, know the kind of relationship you want out of the interactions and establish clear boundaries. Don’t go about starting things that you can’t finish.
Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.
If you read today’s Naira Life, you’ve probably been triggered. However, there is hope. We’ve put together a guide for you to figure out how to get your money up. And the first step is to find out if you are underpaid by your employer.
Come along on this journey:
1) You’re not earning in dollars
My brothers and sisters, wiun.
2) Reading Naira Life stories from Zikoko triggers you
Birds of a feather [wicked people] flock together.
4) or likes Semo
This one is self explanatory.
5) Your boss has never encouraged you to japa before
It’s because they are making money from underpaying you and they want to kill you before Nigeria kills you.
6) Your colleagues look happy
Q: Why are they happy?
A: Because they all earn more than you do.
7) Your colleagues smell nice
Q: How can they afford perfumes?
A: Because they earn more than you do.
8) You are always doing addition and subtraction
You should be able to afford to buy chicken without trekking to work the next day, omo olope. You should also not be frowning if payday falls on a weekend because your money grows like grass.
Give her ₦200 to make soup. If she fails, she can’t manage money. If she passes, she’s probably stingy. All of these are red flags.
6) When you go out, test her with food
Offer to buy her food and ensure she refuses. If she tries to eat from your plate, she’s a thief and that’s how she’ll be eating your money.
5) Test her with bone straight
Buy her the hair and watch her reaction. If she gets excited, she’s too lavish. If she’s meh about it, she doesn’t have taste and she’s not in your league.
4) Test her with Fintech
If she doesn’t know words like “Cowrywise,” “Safe lock.,” “Piggvest,” “Risevest,” “Withdrawal date,” “buy dollars,” then she’s not financially popping and can’t manage money. If she knows the words, she’s probably cheating on you with a tech bae. Sorry, bro.
3) Test her with gifts
If she buys you singlets and boxers you know she doesn’t mean you well. If she buys you PS5 just know you must give her your kidney – whatever you see, take it like that.
2) Test her with the Nigerian anthem
If she sings it without frowning then she likes Nigeria and that’s bad vibes. However, if she can’t sing it, she’s not in touch with her roots. If she doesn’t know herself, how can she know who you are?
1) Test her with music
Editor’s note: This is no way reflects the musical taste of the writer. Any relationship is purely fictional.
Test her with the song titled CashApp. My brother, if you sing “ice on my neck” and she replies with “ice on my wrist,” wahala aya aya oh. If she doesn’t know the reply, she definitely can’t gbese.
Keep us anon.
Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments section.
Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.
Recession, palliative, ad-hoc committee, ultra-modern, bistro — you can’t claim to be a Nigerian if you’ve never heard these words. They are so popular, we wrote about them.
Speaking of recession, on Saturday, November 22nd, 2020, the Nigerian Bureau of Statistics reported that Nigeria’s GDP (Gross Domestic Product) reduced by 3.62% from September to October 2020 (Q3 2020). The economy had reduced by 6.10% from April to June 2020 (in Q2 2020), all of which led to the report that Nigeria is now in an economic recession.
A recession is a decline in economic activity for a few months. Usually, when many businesses in a country lose money instead of make profits for six months, economists declare that the country is in a recession. In Nigeria’s case, our trade, financial and manufacturing activity have reduced in six months — which means that the country is officially in a recession.
It is usually rare for a country’s economy to decline for two or more consecutive quarters, or over six months, but since 1960, Nigeria has entered into recessions only four times — in 1983, 1987, 2016 and 2020.
The curious thing, though, is that most of these recessions are usually linked to the low oil prices. Because 90% of Nigeria’s foreign revenue is gotten from oil, 80% of our export is crude oil and over 50% of all the money the federal government makes is also gotten from oil, any time the price of oil reduces, it badly affects Nigeria’s economy.
In 2020, COVID-19 has affected economic activity badly. For instance, China, Nigeria’s biggest oil importer, implemented large scale lockdowns in January, 2020. This meant that Chinese factories were not working, neither was any travel or economic activity that seriously required crude oil happening in China. Meaning that China had no need to import Nigeria’s crude oil.
Because of the low demand of crude oil from China and many other countries, oil prices fell to $28, and even less — some of the lowest oil prices in history. All of which meant that Nigeria’s federal government had less revenue to balance the budget and pay for critical development activities.
Worse, because oil sales are conducted in dollars, low oil prices also meant that Nigeria could not generate enough foreign currency, which ended up affecting Nigerian business people who wanted to import goods from other countries. This meant a higher cost of importing goods into Nigeria, which led to a higher price of goods or “inflation“.
Again, it is important to note that this is Nigeria’s economic fourth recession since 1960, most of which is usually inextricably tied, one way or the other, to globally low oil prices.
In 1980, global oil prices collapsed as it has in 2020, and because the Nigerian government was spending lavishly in the 1970s, the oil price fall of the 1980s affected the government’s revenues.
With the fall in oil price, Nigeria quickly entered into a recession. The government was making little money and there was no foreign exchange to pay for Nigeria’s imports. All of this led to an economic crisis, which included high unemployment, the government’s inability to pay its debts, a foreign exchange shortage, and so on.
In 1986, General Ibrahim Babangida’s government decided to reject an IMF (International Monetary Fund) loan proposal. Instead, he adopted a modified variant of the transitional Structural Adjustment Programme (SAP), which was designed and implemented by Nigerians. The World Bank also supported the policy with a $450 million trade and export diversification loan.
The objectives of this modified Structural Adjustment Programme (SAP) was to:
Restructure and diversify the productive base of Nigeria’s economy so as to reduce dependency on the oil sector;
Reduce the amount Nigeria paid for imports while increasing how much we exported;
Reduce inflation in the country i.e the high cost of prices of goods.
The GDP growth objectives for 1987 was set at 3-4%, while inflation was supposed to reduce to 9%.
The government decided to go about this modified Structural Adjustment Programme by:
Adopting measures to boost domestic production of goods;
Setting up of a “Second-Tier Foreign Exchange Market” where foreign exchange would be traded without government control;
Eliminating price control and commodity boards;
Reducing control of interest rates;
Reducing public sector enterprises and reducing public sector workers.
The government also introduced “relief packages” like the Urban Mass Transit Programme of 1988, the People’s and Community Banks of 1989, the Directorate of Food, Road and Rural Infrastructure (DFRRI), the Better Life for Rural Dwellers Programme of 1989, amongst others.
However, as of 1995, the modified Structural Adjustment Programme showed mixed results. The programme was shown to have brought few tangible results to the people, and the poor implementation and execution of the programme meant that it did not achieve what it set out to achieve.
Nigeria’s 2020 recession
Nigeria’s 2020 recession is not unconnected from the impact of the COVID-19 lockdowns that have reduced economic activity for a considerable part of the year.
Several countries are currently facing economic recessions because of COVID-19 and the consequent lockdowns.
However, one way to reduce Nigeria’s exposure to recession is to reduce the overdependence on crude oil sales, which currently accounts for over 65% of our revenue and over 90% of our foreign exchange earnings. The Structural Adjustment Programme of the 1980s set out to achieve this independence from oil sales and “structurally adjust” the economy of the country, but it achieved mixed results, at best.
Going forward, Nigeria must diversify its economy from crude oil sales. By growing other sectors, especially agriculture, information technology, maritime, transportation, aviation, solid minerals and entertainment, Nigeria can withstand economic shocks better.
We hope you’ve learned a thing or two about how to unfuck yourself when the Nigerian government moves mad. Check back every weekday for more Zikoko Citizen explainers.
What does it mean to be a man? Surely, it’s not one thing. It’s a series of little moments that add up.
“Man Like” is a weekly Zikoko series documenting these moments to see how it adds up. It’s a series for men by men, talking about men’s issues. We try to understand what it means to “be a man” from the perspective of the subject of the week.
The subject of today’s “Man Like” is Edwin, popularly known as Dwin The Stoic. He talks about quitting his 9-5 to pursue music, his anxieties about money, and how he navigates the expectations of masculinity.
Tell me a story from your childhood about struggling with “being a man.”
I remember in secondary school I didn’t give a fuck about football. I still don’t. However, it was something other boys used to mock me. I didn’t want to be called “gay,” so I went to study football. I learnt the rules, players’ name, teams. I had to learn enough about football to carry a conversation. Things are different these days because the only time I watch football is if Nigeria is playing or I’m bored and the person I’m with is watching. Then, I might watch.
Interesting.
It’s funny how we have all these rules for what men are supposed to do and enjoy. I’m glad I started questioning it along the way. It’s good when you understand that there’s nothing inherently manly about enjoying a certain activity — who even said you must enjoy it?
At one point in school, I started telling people pink was my favourite colour because there was the assumption that I couldn’t like it.
Lmao. How did that go?
It went okay.
Love it. When did you now get that you’re a “man” now?
Everyone’s “man now” moment sounds monumental to me because mine seems tiny. I’d say my own moment was deciding to tell my parents that I wanted to pursue music. Before then, I had worked as a copywriter at an advertising agency, and my father kept telling me to get a “real job.” After NYSC, I got a “real job” as a tech consultant, and I also paid for studio time. The idea was to record an album that year. After getting studio time, I sat my parents down and told them I had gotten a job and was also working on my album. I was like, I’m not asking for your permission, I’m just informing you about what I’ll be doing with my time.
Ahan. Biggest Boy.
Lool.
Please, continue.
They sat down there like, “Cool, dope.” The music thing is not new to them. They were the ones who told me to finish my first degree before considering anything music.
That was the moment for me. I was like, whatever happens on this album is on me because I made the decision.
Were you not scared?
I was. I left school in 2015, and that was the last time I collected money from my parents. I was making my own money and living under their roof, but I didn’t feel like I was properly handling shit on my own. That’s why in 2018, after NYSC, when I decided to pursue music, I was finally alone. On some level, I’m lucky that they understood because I can’t imagine what life would have been like if they didn’t support me. Everything now added up to me having to prove that the music could work out. The love of music kept me going through all the fear.
Interesting. What was the scariest time for you during this period?
Quitting my 9 -5 to focus fully on music.
Sorry, you did what?
Lmao.
I’m a believer that everything that happened had to happen for me to be where I am today. Leaving my very secure job was a huge risk. To add to it, I was also going through a break up at the time. I told myself: “You are without gainful employment or love. You’re a young man who can do many things, but you chose to pursue the thing that brings you the least amount of money.” For me, this was both a harsh and scary realisation.
I honestly didn’t think I’d leave the job. Part of the reasons I got a job was so I’d never be in the position I suddenly found myself in.
Mahn.
It didn’t end there. All this happened in 2019. As I was about making plans for 2020, Corona came. This year showed me pepper because I was just coming out from a terrible period in my life. I’d just paid for a co-space in Yaba where I could be doing freelance work from. In this Corona period, I’ve asked myself, “What’s this life, am I cursed?”
I’m sorry. How are your finances?
See, I have a lot of anxiety and it stems from little things like not having money. I started therapy and that’s helping me to not worry too much about money. I tend to tie my worth to it. When my therapist examined all aspects of my life, he found out that anxiety was a common thread in all my dealings. So, that’s what we worked on.
Noticed any improvement?
All my life, I’ve tried to shake off a lot of heteronormativity. I’ve tried to remove “No be man you be?” from my dictionary because I heard it so much growing up. However, I’m still struggling to shake off the part of not having a lot of money. It’s funny because I’m not interested in kids or marriages, which are usually the major financial constraints for men. Regardless, not having money made me think less of myself. Therapy and this year have taught me to be pragmatic. When I start to have anxiety about money, I remind myself of the skills I have that can make me money, and I pursue them.
I know in my head that tying my worth to money is wrong, but my mind won’t budge. E no gree.
We still live in a patriarchal world and I’m under no delusion that I’ll get through life with struggling artist aesthetics. That shit is played out. I know it’s easy to say that you don’t need money and that you just need to be a nice guy.
Lmaooooit’salieooooo
[Laughs]
Oh. I know what obtains in reality. Man, you better get your money up.
I’m slowly getting to a place where I just want to make money to enjoy my life. I used to restaurant hop before Corona started, and it’s something I’d like to continue after it lets up. Even if my worth isn’t tied to money, my enjoyment is.
I’m doing things and working for a better life.
Oh. Like what?
With music, there have been a couple of high points this year – releasing my band, Ignis Brothers’ debut album and co-writing on Adekunle Gold’s album. I did a theme song for OneRead and my startup TheContractAid is going into beta so yeah, those have been cool.
Ahan. Do giveaway
Lmaooo. Getaway this guy.
Lmao.
I’m curious: when was the last time you cried?
It was last month. The morning after the Lekki massacre, my mum called and asked how I was. I was unable to answer, so I just started crying.
The thing with tears is that sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. There are times you’ll cry and still go back to the nonsense that made you cry. I feel that men trying to do away with toxic masculinity still have to fight years of conditioning to even cry. It’s impossible to unlearn in one day, but it’s the work we should all do.
I feel you.
Moving away from stereotypes of masculinity will make men stop stifling themselves. I hope we come to realise that it’s to our advantage. I hear on Twitter that a lot of men are not moaning. My friend, open your mouth, scream and enjoy yourself. Being silent doesn’t help us at all. You’ll just miss out on the fun. Don’t tighten your chest.
Dead. Has anything ever threatened your idea of masculinity?
There have been cases where I had my conviction about certain things, but I couldn’t do anything. One of them was the burial of an extended family member. I already have issues with how my people [Igbo people] handle burials and the way money plays centre stage, then I was asked to drop a certain amount of money as “ a man.” I was broke at the time, but I had to look for the money. Resisting would have meant standing up to a large institution [culture] with years of history. It didn’t seem worth it, so I gave them the money.
Another area is marriage. I told my mother I’m not crazy about marriage, and she’s still in denial. But I know I’ll still probably do it because society and culture expect it from me as a man.
After I got my first job, I kept on getting marriage questions from my aunties. It became a thing. For someone with anxiety, it became a bigger deal. I’m at a place where I hope to meet someone good who also shares my ideals and is cool with the kind of person I am.
Love it. I’m curious: what was it like going from a committed relationship to the streets?
I didn’t recognise the streets anymore. It had been two years since I was on the streets and everything was so different. I was just like wow — I have to start finding out about people’s lives again? Their interests? Guys, let’s just…
Check back every Sunday by 12 pm for new stories in the “Man Like” series. If you’d like to be featured or you know anyone that would be perfect for this, kindly send an email.
“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.
The subject for today’s “A Week In The Life” is *Tola. He collects money at the bus park, and he’s what Nigerians refer to as Agbero. He talks about wanting to quit his job, his faith in God and why he shows up every day.
MONDAY:
I’m on the road as early as 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. on most days. I have to beat traffic and get to work early because the earlier I do, the faster I can begin to make money for the day. Most people don’t know that agbero work is just like being a marketer — we have daily deliverable targets per day. I don’t earn a salary, so I depend on whatever extra money I make per day. Depending on your location and performance, your daily target can be somewhere between ₦30,000 – ₦45,000, and a failure to meet this target means you pay out of pocket. On the bright side, if you surpass your target, you get to keep the extra amount. Therefore, every single minute counts in this job.
This pressure is why some people do anything to collect money from buses; they’ll threaten to break their windscreen, remove the fuel tank cover or wipers. The union [NURTW] believes that there’s no way you’ll go out and not meet your target, so they don’t listen to excuses. Everyone has a daily target, and that’s why you’ll see agberos collecting booking fee from one bus stop to the next. We give numbers and sell tickets to show who has paid and who hasn’t. The funniest part is that the tickets are provided and printed by the state government, so a portion of our daily target also goes to them. We hand over whatever money we make to the park chairman [each park has a chairman] who then hands it over to the union’s executives. At this point, the money is shared amongst them and the state government who provides the tickets.
It is what it is.
It rained today so there were not a lot of buses on the road. I made my daily target with barely enough money for food and transportation for tomorrow. I’m praying for God’s favour because I’m tired of this job.
TUESDAY:
Things weren’t always like this for me. I wasn’t always an agbero working for a union. I learnt printing press work, but there was no money to buy a machine neither was there anyone to help me. So I set up a baba Ijebu kiosk to raise money to buy machines. Things were going well until I fell in love with one lady like this. After we started dating, nothing was coming in again. Getting money to eat even became difficult for me.
Then she fell pregnant.
Things became three times more difficult for me after that. I kept on struggling until my son was born. One year plus after his birth, she left me. Her reason was that she re-assessed her fortunes and saw that there was no future with me. After all, when she met me, I had a lotto kiosk and I was making money. Now that things were no longer the same, she went to consult her stars and they told her to remarry.
Today, I’m thinking about the fact that it’s been almost six years now, and I still don’t have money. I left the printing press to Baba Ijebu to agbero work and still, nothing tangible till now. I’m still using agidi to get money to eat. If I get a better job today, I’m gone. It’s not like I signed a life contract with these people. Even if I did, this is not the kind of job that someone should do forever.
WEDNESDAY:
Under the sun and in the rain, we’re always hustling, we’re always collecting money. It’s only God that will pity us. There’s no protection, no place to rest, nothing. If you want to urinate, you’ll find somewhere by the side to do it. When you want to toilet, you’ll look for a public toilet and pay ₦50 to use it. If you’re sick, you’ll beg someone to stand in for you so you can make your deliverables and if you’re lucky, they will make some money to give you so you can hold body.
Coronavirus time was so bad because no movement meant no work. During that time, I’d just go and do twale on the street for someone that will dash me money. Other times, we’ll group ourselves like four or five and go to a construction site and do labour assistant. Sometimes, when we see people digging borehole, we go and meet them for at all at all money. I wasn’t happy doing that, but I had to eat. To worsen matters, people will just talk to you anyhow and you’ll be tired of life. You’ll be asking yourself: what kind of person is this? Why am I here? Why is this person talking to me like this?
I had an incident like that today. I was calling passengers for a bus driver and a passenger insulted me. After calling price for this woman, she refused to pay when I asked her for money. Instead, she started blasting and rubbishing me. I wanted to reply but people around said I shouldn’t talk. So I kept on looking.
It has been almost three hours since this happened but I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m looking forward to going home at 8 p.m. With the way my day is going, I’ll make enough money to meet my daily target and still have some change. My plan is to go home and drink a chilled bottle of malt because I can’t kill myself.
THURSDAY:
Today, I’m thinking about my son. He’s just six years old and unaware. He lives with grandma, but sometimes, he comes to stay with me. We’re doing one week on and off at work, so he comes during my week off. When he’s not around, I help someone manage their lotto kiosk, and they give me money to hold body.
My son doesn’t know what I do for now because union work is not something I’m proud of. I don’t even wear the uniform. I wear the cap once in a while. When he’s around, we watch cartoon and sports as father and son because these are the memories I want him to have of me. It’s tough raising a male child and being a good role model that the child can follow. It’s lonely because I have no woman and I’m not remarried — the only thing that gives me joy is my boy.
I’ve spoken to my friends that if they have a better job they should let me know. I have my SSCE degree, so I can do factory work or office assistant. Anything that will benefit me, I’ll do it. If God is kind to me, I know the type of education I want to give my son. Part of my prayer every night is that God should spare his life because I don’t know what I’ll do if I suddenly no longer can’t hear his infectious laughter. The one he makes especially when we’re watching sports and I’m gesticulating to him.
My prayer is simple: “God, another year is about to end and I’m getting older. When it’s my time, answer my prayers. It hasn’t been easy because I haven’t gotten a better job. I need something better because I just want to start living.”
Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life ” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, fill this form.
As the cost of living goes up and the Naira weakens, we present a list of ways to preserve the value of your Naira savings.
8) Dollars
Hello, Nigeria my people.
7) Bitcoin
The best way to unfuck yourself from the Nigerian government.
6) Trader Moni
This is obviously the only “currency” the Nigerian government respects. We could literally be dying and the only thing the government will talk about is Trader Moni. Wait, they already did just that.
5) Bone straight wig
Wahala for who no get bone straight in Nigeria oh. Dual function – slay and save.
4) Rice
This is the new cocaine for Nigerians. That’s the only reason why a bag of rice now costs ₦35,000.
3) A kilo of turkey
At ₦2,700 per kilo, this is obviously our new exchange rate benchmark. Naira – Kilo – Dollars.
2) Social media bill
This is the latest thing in town. Politicians will pay you anything for it.
1) Onions
Kuku kill us.
Wahala for who never start to convert Im naira to Onions…
If you love money as much as we suspect you do, then you’ve clicked on the right post. We’ve compiled 11 quizzes that test your knowledge, guess your account balance and predict your future financial situation.
Yeah we know, the economy is bad. Things are rough. Buhari and Emefiele are tag-teaming to show us pepper. Liquid cash no too dey again and you’re just managing your ride. But it gets to a point where you just have to let go of your car. It has seen many seasons and been through thick and thin and it is time to retire it. At this point, it has just refused to continue life with you again. Here are 7 signs to let you know it’s time to say goodbye to your jalopy.
1. The engine is louder than your radio
At this point, you need to let go and let God.
2. The AC is blowing hot summer vibes
And there seems to be no way to repair
3. It breaks down weekly
You have to applaud the consistency.
4. People hear gunshot when you drive by
Your backfire can give heart attack
5. Puffing out more smoke than a shisha lounge
When you pass, people are not sure if its smoke or harmattan is back.
One year ago, we left Nigeria for an 80-day adventure across West Africa. Something is coming. Unshared stories. New perspectives. Limited series. 10 episodes. Jollofroad.com
Recently, I had an interesting money situation where a friend defaulted on a loan. From the lies to the silence, I felt somehow. Especially because of the lies and fake anger. I assumed that a friend wouldn’t treat me like that.
Motivated by my experience, I went asking people for their own money experience. Here’s what they said:
I/20s/Female.
There was this guy I used to borrow money. It was annoying because he was living above his means.
To impress his rich friends, he’d collect money from poor people like me – Money for movies, clubbing, Netflix. From this money, he’d also eat out, buy weed, give his clothes to the dry cleaner. God, it was annoying. The worst part was that he’d only text when he needed money.
So, I devised a plan to scam him in return. For a week, I ignored his texts and calls. He was so desperate to come back that he started paying for my food, drinks, and loud. I made sure we went out well, and when I was satisfied [that I had collected what I’d given him], I disappeared. [Laughs]
M/20s/Female.
There was this guy who had been my online friend for 4 years. We met offline a few times but the relationship didn’t progress into much, however, we were cool so I trusted him.
He called me one day saying he needed ₦50,000 because Lastma stopped his car. I was like I don’t have ₦50,000 but I can do ₦30,000. The agreement was that he’d pay back once he got home since it was an unplanned expense.
That day, the guy stopped picking my calls. Messages were delivering and he wasn’t responding. This is someone that if I send “Hi,” he’d respond quickly.
By the next day, he had still not sent the money. I had to threaten him because of how uncomfortable I felt. I told him how disappointing he was. I don’t know how he did it, but he repaid the money that day. I suspect that he went to borrow from another person.
Up till today, I don’t fuck with him anymore.
E/20s/Male.
I once loaned this guy ₦30,000 and he never paid back. The annoying thing was that I once loaned this same person some money that he paid back in a week. I didn’t know that he was testing the waters.
For the 30k loan, the agreement was a month to pay back. One month turned to two, to three. Initially, I wasn’t bothered about the money because it was my rainy day funds. Then, I went for Nysc camp, and the whole process made me dead broke – So, I needed my money.
I reached out to the guy and he was like “Ahan, hasn’t he given me?” He was now like “Why didn’t I say anything since?” In my mind, I was like “I have to remind you that you owe me money?”
That’s how he said he’d settle me and I shouldn’t worry.
It’s been almost 2 years and nothing. I have cancelled both him and the money. It’s cool sha because we learn every day.
N/20s/Male
One of my faves that year scattered my head. I was asking for my money and she was like “Is it because of this small money?” I was shook. When she eventually paid the money, I did giveaway.
T/20s/Male.
In the past, my mum and I used to be guys, but not anymore. I’d loan her money and she’ll not payback and that was cool.
The incident that shocked me was when she used my name to collect money from my siblings. Apparently, she told them I’ll payback and those ones didn’t confirm from me.
It was annoying because it was a rough time for me. I paid the money, but since then, our relationship hasn’t been the same. I still love her oh, but it’s not like before where I could move the world for her.
S/20S/Female.
I don’t like talking about it. The summary is that I was engaged to a bastard who duped me. I took a loan to support the ‘wedding’ and paid into his account. To cut a long story short, I didn’t get married and I’m still repaying the loan. Oloshi.
Breathing in Nigeria, alone, can be a very complex task. But how long can people really survive on 5k? We ask a few people.
1. Victor
I stay in Osogbo and transport fare is N100, at most. I am also single and my life is not hard. So I can survive on 5k for 3 weeks.
2. Lateef
On some occasion, I could spend more than twice of 5k on necessaries at once. It could also take me a day, depending on whenever I want to satisfy myself as regards food. I like to eat good, you know. In some instances when I am fully occupied, extremely busy, and fully indoors, I may not spend a thousand naira in one week, and this is in a case where all I can sustain myself with is at home.
Survival on 5k is ordinarily determined by several factors.
3. Kunle
I am a student at the Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife, so surviving on 5k depends. In Ife, it is generally two days but in Lagos it is one.
In Lagos, the transport fare from my house to the Island alone costs 2k.
4. Chukwuka
In my current situation, I am at home. There’s food and I don’t go anywhere. I only spend money on data. So I can survive on 5k for more than one week.
But if I leave home everyday, then maybe like three days. I know how to manage money.
5. Helen
Honestly, I can survive on 5k for a week. I’ll buy pap and akara for 200 naira and ‘mama put’ for 300 naira. That’s 500 naira. Plus 200 naira and that’s 700 naira everyday. I also don’t eat a lot. I can go a day without food and I’ll be fine.
But if we want to out everything I spend on, then it’s not enough. I spend like 20k on data every three weeks.
The woman in today’s What She Said thinks of herself as a hustler. At 29 years old, she has a decade-old career spanning industries without a university education. Now she’s committed to expanding her business. She loves what she does and runs from men who try to offer her money to stop her business.
Tell me how it began.
Back when I was about 10, I used to tell everyone I was going to be a doctor. This was after reading Ben Carson’s Gifted Hands. I wasn’t the brightest student and my parents were not the most educated or the wealthiest, but they supported me. My mum used to call me her baby doctor. My dad, who bought me Gifted Hands, bought me more medical books to read. I was determined to become a doctor.
How did that change?
Nigeria is a dream killer. First of all, it was hard to get into university to study medicine after two attempts at JAMB. I really didn’t want to take another course. My final option was to go abroad to study. As we were preparing, my dad got scammed by yahoo boys and lost a ton of money. The dream ended there.
I’m sorry. How old were you at that point?
I was 18. He eventually lost his job. It was a difficult time in our life.
My mum was a pensioner at that point, and it wasn’t even as if the pension came regularly or was worth anything. I became their primary caretaker at barely 18.
I was so frustrated and tired. One day, I was home and there was nothing to eat. For some odd reason, I just took flour and made chin chin. And it just hit me that I could start selling chin chin.
I had planned that the year I turned 19, I’d take JAMB again and go for my medicine, but the idea of hustling and making my own money took root in my head. I still took the JAMB, but do you know that I never checked my result? I was so sure that I had failed and was purely interested in the little money I was making.
Haha. Wow.
I was selling the chin chin to schools around my area. I would wake up as early as 4 a.m. to start making them and then supply to supermarkets and small kiosks in the area before I even did any retail selling myself. My mum used to help distribute too. Before this point, I knew exactly nothing about business. But I pushed myself anyway.
What was the money like?
It was just enough to ensure that there was food on the table every day. I’m the only child, so that responsibility was mine. I couldn’t afford to buy myself nice things or go to nice places, so I avoided my old friends like a plague. A few months after my 19th birthday, I had a talk with an old friend who was worried about me. It felt like a condescending conversation because chile, this girl and her parents were rich and her advice and concern seemed to come from a place of privilege. She told me that I can’t live for my parents alone, that I had to live for myself. She kept asking where the baby girl that wanted to become a doctor was.
And I was like, it’s true oh. I just let my years of dreaming come to an end because of JAMB.
Did you decide to go back to school?
Nah. I decided to learn how to sew and juggle that with making chin chin. My mum became solely in charge of distributing it.
How did that work out?
Nonsense. I didn’t finish tailoring school. Barely spent two months there.
Why?
The male instructor used to sexually harass me. It started on the first day. By month two, I had had it. I never showed up again.
Eesh. I’m sorry about that.
That was when the next opportunity opened up to work at an organisation. I got a job as an office assistant in a small microfinance bank while still making my chin chin in the morning and allowing my mum to handle distribution. I think because the chin chin was so good, it actually gained some popularity in my area. I didn’t even realise it was picking up steam until one day, my dad was doing the accounts for the month, and we made ton of money in profit. I was like, wow!
So I added some of my salary in that first month, paid for a shop for my dad to run a small cyber cafe and sell drinks and chin chin. The shop didn’t pick up at first, but my mum’s distribution to schools really did well.
Then I got tired, existential crisis and depression followed. It was a struggle to manage everything and still work full time. And I was just 20/21. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know how to stop.
What did you do?
Impulsively quit my job at the bank — which I really enjoyed — and tried to rest for one month. At the same time, I decided to explore selling egg rolls. That one failed badly, so I stuck to chin chin and continued for about a year — no additional jobs. Then my mum got sick and we couldn’t afford the bills. I was literally using everything I had saved up to pay for treatment. The day she died, it was because we didn’t have enough money to pay for some drugs.
I promised myself from then on that poverty and I were enemies.
I’m so sorry.
Thanks. Since then, I’ve worked as an escort, an usher, a personal assistant, a nail technician, a hairstylist. I even went back to sewing at some point. Then I worked as an office manager at a couple of places. But in all this time, it’s chin chin that has stayed with me, and now I’m doing it full time.
I and my dad have carried the business on our head, especially in memory of my mum.
I was dating someone who promised to take care of me and wanted me to stop the chin chin business, and I was like huh? There’s a kind of shame some people I’ve dated associate with what I do. But that one was the height. He was like, a beautiful woman shouldn’t have to work. He had several promises to fix my life if I stopped the chin chin business, and I said no. Making my own money actually makes me so happy.
Haha. You do sound very excited.
In fact, I’m addicted to it. Before, I couldn’t do accounts by myself, but now I can. I’ve taken a ton of business classes to help me learn how to run my business.
I am by no means shaming women who have sugar daddies or people to help, but doing this makes me happy. When I think about the money in my account and the sales of the day, things like that make me want to orgasm.
Mad oh.
It’s true. That’s my own turn-on. One day, a client called and said they wanted a certain amount of chin chin supplied for an engagement party. This was a few years ago. It was a lot of money — rent money. I just went to my room to go and lie down. I didn’t realise when I brought out my dildo and came.
Lol. Do you spend money on yourself now?
I’m just learning how to do that. Before, I was saving and saving for a rainy day. Now I’ve realised that if I die, someone else will spend that money. So I take care of myself and my dad. If there’s something I need, I don’t have to do math a lot before I get it.
Do you ever feel like you want to go back to university?
I won’t lie that I do. I’ll be in some gatherings and start feeling inferior because I don’t have a BSc. So I really do. But, not now. I have some new ideas I’d like to work on over the next couple of years. I have a target sum. I want to expand to all of Nigeria and then outside.
This has to be one of the top 10 worst things that could ever happen to a person. Imagine you’re on a bus and you touch your pockets/check your bag and realise that you left your wallet/purse sitting on the dining table. Now the conductor is collecting money line by line and he’s almost at your row. You have to think fast. What do you do?
1. Faint
This method is tried and trusted by many, particularly the Nigerian government. Think Dino Melaye and Pondei. Easy cop-out. The conductor can’t ask you for money if you faint. 10/10 will recommend.
2. Start crying
Also a favourite of Nigerians. It is helpful if you start screaming before crying. When people ask you what’s wrong, just cry harder. The conductor will then let you go. Works every time. 9/10.
3. Pretend like you’re praying
Close your eyes. Mumble random words under your breath. Nigerians are very religious so they won’t disturb you. Keep praying and hope the conductor forgets. I rate this one 7/10.
4. Start preaching
This is a Nigerian favourite. Once you discover that you don’t have money on you, clear your throat and say “My brothers and sisters, let’s bow our heads in prayer.” Even the conductor might close his eyes. Let’s hope the driver doesn’t. Rated 8/10.
5. Pretend you have amnesia
First of all, shout “Where am I?” This should be enough to draw attention. Pretend like you don’t know how you got there. The conductor will drop you and you’re home free. Pray that they don’t take you to a mental hospital. Rated 4/10.
Money makes the world go round and if you’re Nigerian, the Naira makes you sad. Very sad. We tried to imagine the kind of energy the different currencies would have if they were students.
1) U.S dollars is that talented and popular kid that everyone likes.
Dollars secretly hates everyone but doesn’t show it.
2) Pound Sterling is the smart kid that can’t understand why other people aren’t smart.
Pound Sterling is definitely a snob and keeps to himself.
3) The Euro is that transfer student no one paid attention to until she came first in class. Now, everyone is wary.
Euro likes group work and collaborations.
4) The Canadian dollar is the kid who was assistant class captain and has now made it his life mission to be class captain.
His tactics is to rally the marginalized towards his cause.
5) The Japanese Yen is that kid with integrity. They’ll write their own sibling name in the noisemaker list and submit to the teacher.
This is the kind of person that cheats in an exam and reports his/her self.
6) The Naira is that kid who always raises their hands and gives the wrong answers.
They brag about knowing all the answers but still fail exams. In addition, they always blame everyone but themselves for failure. Olodo rabata.
Here’s a common Twitter scenario: A woman posts a tweet saying “This man’s birthday is coming and I don’t know what to get him.” Some clowns will quote the tweet, saying she should give him 1,500 and boxers.
Since women are always so confused about things Nigerian men actually want, we the nice people at Zikoko made a handy list of things Nigerian men really want.
1. Actual gifts
Let’s start from here. Singlet and boxers are NOT gifts, no matter how you package it. Examples of actual gifts men actually want are a brand new set of car tyres, a Macbook Pro, whatever iPhone is the latest, or a Fossil watch. Handkerchief and singlet will not cut it anymore.
2. Peace of Mind
If actual gifts are too much for you to buy (of course), Nigerian men can really settle for peace of mind. Allow them to rest. It’s not every time you’ll be pressing our necks. Let us breathe.
3. Allow him to date other people
I mean, of course, Nigerian women will never dream of giving anybody piece of mind, so how about you let him date other women once in a while? Just a little cheating? No? Okay.
4. Order him a week’s worth of lunch
This one is one of the best things you can do for the man you love so much.
5. Sponsor a weekend getaway
If none of the above appeals to you, you can consider sponsoring weekend holiday, within and outside Nigeria. As long as I don’t see another tweet saying “I don’t know what to get for this man.”
COVID-19 threw a well-aimed spanner in everyone’s plans this year. Nobody escaped unscathed. Some of Miss Rona’s victims were people who wanted to tie the nuptial knot and spend the rest of their lives together. Instead, they found themselves donning Sanwoolu face masks.
However, some brave couples decided to go ahead with their weddings. I wanted to know what it took to get married during the pandemic, so I reached out to a few people who said their vows despite the coronavirus.
Mojola, 26
We initially planned to get married on April 18 and it was supposed to be massive. We had paid everyone; the vendors, the venue, everything. When we tried to get refunds, all the vendors refused, saying we should let them know when we’re ready to do the wedding.
Our parents were meant to sponsor most of the wedding. Nevertheless, my husband and I had spent more than 3 million already before the government announced the lockdown.
We later decided to get married in a private registry ceremony. We still plan on having the ceremony later in the year, when everything has cleared up. Our families and friends are still on our necks to have a proper wedding ceremony, so that’s what we’re going to do. Besides, all our money cannot just go down the drain like that. So we’ll wait.
Zipporah, 25
“My husband didn’t even get time off work. We got married during his break. Even during the wedding, he was replying to work emails.”
We originally planned to get married in April and we had planned a huge ceremony. We already paid for everything; the hall, the caterer, the band. Everybody was ready for the wedding, flights had been booked from all over Nigeria, clothes had been sewn, everything was set.
We tried to get refunds from the vendors but you know you can’t get all your money back from Nigerian vendors. The venue and decoration guys still haven’t refunded any of the money till date.
After waiting for a while, we decided to go ahead with the wedding in a much smaller way.We finally married on the 4th of June in a small ceremony. Because the state government hadn’t allowed places of worship to open fully yet, the pastor placed a 20-person limit on the ceremony. We didn’t even use microphones, just to avoid attention; police had been arresting whole weddings at the time.
My husband didn’t even get time off work. We got married during his break. Even during the wedding, he was replying to work emails.
Right after, we had a small reception for guests. The number of guests suddenly ballooned because tons of people in the area got wind of the wedding. Many of them were without work due to the pandemic so they came for the food.
This really increased the cost of the wedding. Added to the fact that the pandemic drove up the price of everything, it ended up being more expensive than a regular wedding.
Muyiwa, 32
I proposed sometime in November 2019 and planned our wedding for April 4. Two days to our wedding, the Lagos State Government imposed the lockdown.
Of course, everything had been paid for, people had come into town and everyone was set. We waited to see how long the lockdown would last for. When there was no end in sight, we opted for a very lowkey wedding on May 27, which we had at my wife’s father’s house.
There were only 20 people in attendance. Everyone was wearing a facemask, even in the wedding photos. Interestingly, we never planned to hold a reception for our original wedding. We were just going to go to church. So we didn’t pay any money to vendors or anything, lucky for us.
My wife is from Delta and you know how expensive Delta weddings are. We spent about 2.5m for the traditional wedding, and most of that was on feeding. The traditional wedding list from the bride’s family also took a bulk of the money. For the revised wedding, we spent less than 300k. We didn’t even have to spend on food. The smaller wedding was ideal for me because I personally don’t like being around crowds. God just worked it out for us and it was perfect.
Imade, 27
We set a date in April to allow ample time for his family, who lived in the US, to come down and prepare. Then COVID happened. We had no idea what to do. We didn’t know if or when we were going to do the wedding.
Eventually, we decided to just get married anyway in July, when the lockdown was finally eased. His parents still couldn’t make it down because of the international travel ban. They were represented by his sister and uncle.
We had our traditional wedding on the 1st of August. Every single person was wearing a mask. Even when we were dancing, people were coming to spray us one by one, not like you usually find at weddings, just so they could maintain social distancing.
We couldn’t get much of the money back. Most of the vendors all insisted on taking a service charge out of the refund, mostly about 30%. And even at that, they are all saying they don’t have the money.
There was no reception at our white wedding on the 8th of August. We just received church blessing and a small reception for friends who travelled and that was it. We had about 150 people in attendance in all.
For our original wedding, we had spent about 10 million. For our scaled wedding, we ended up spending about 2.7 million, in all.
Dami, 24
“I’m the firstborn and he’s also his parent’s firstborn, so that wedding has to happen. Besides, we’ve already spent about 25 million. And I just want to dance on my wedding day, abeg.”
We set our wedding for April 12 in Lagos and it was going to be huge. Unfortunately, our flight to Nigeria was canceled in March.
We were supposed to have over 1300 guests in attendance. People had booked their flights to Nigeria from London. We haven’t even attempted to get refunds because we decided to wait till December or next year to have the wedding ceremony.
We already had a court wedding here in London. We had a few people as witnesses and that was it.
I’m the firstborn and he’s also his parent’s firstborn, so that wedding has to happen. Besides, we’ve already spent about N25 million. And I just want to dance on my wedding day, abeg.
Every now and then, fortune and your employer smile on you and grace you with a salary increase, either in your current role or as part of a promotion. When you receive an increase, it is easy for you to want to become a golden boy/girl. You might feel the urge to become Sinzu. Perish the thought.
While a salary increase should improve your life in many ways, your first instinct shouldn’t be to open Asos for shopping spree. Have you seen the exchange rate recently? Here are a couple of things you should do with your increase.
Count your blessings, name them one by one
Okay, seriously though. Calculate your new pay and see what this increase means for your life. Figure out the new tax and deductions and plan for additional financial security.
Clear your debts
Remember that person you’ve been promising to payback since September 2019? Now is the time to clear that debt. Your new salary should afford you some flexibility to clear out any obligations you may have. Don’t be an onigbese.
Build an emergency fund
You don’t need me to tell you how important it is to have an emergency fund. A salary increase is a great way to build up that fund so that you’re not caught slacking when emergencies do show face. To be forewarned….
Don’t eat tomorrow’s yam today
Don’t forget your pension fund. You might be thinking “How do I know I’ll be alive in 30 years time to enjoy my pension?” Okay, on the off-chance you’re alive, do you want to be begging for money when you’re too old to work? Put some money in your pension fund so you can live well in your old age.
Try dey enjoy, problem no dey finish
After doing the above, give yourself a treat. You’ve worked really hard for the raise/promotion and you’ve earned it. Order yourself the things you’ve been wanting, maybe a food platter too. Problem no dey finish. Try dey enjoy.
Now that the world is opening up, some expenses that you were able to hide from thanks to the lockdown will finally come and drag you by the trousers. Holiday is over; time to pay the price.
Here, we listed some of the expenses that you managed to dodge during the lockdown but they will soon come for your neck. God be with you.
1. School fees
30+ people are already breathing heavily because of the upcoming threats of new school term fees and other related expenses. At this point, you’re just checking the news everyday to know when the government plans on reopening schools. It’s not easy.
2. Parties
Remember all those parties that were cancelled because of the lockdown? They’re coming back with a vengeance. Especially weddings. Nigerians being Nigerians, they have been itching for a party forever. Once the lockdown is completely over, this country won’t contain us.
3. Car maintenance
You’ve parked your car since March because you’ve been working from home. Now HR has said everybody should come inside o and you’re wondering what new faults your car ha developed since then. Go on, call your mechanic. He won’t bite (I hope).
4. Lunch dates
Restaurants have now happened and you know what that means: your friends are about to suggest that you all “try out this nice place.” In Nigeria, Nice = Expensive, so you do the math.
P.S You can always tell them that you are not feeling hungry.
5. Clubbing
Clubs aren’t open yet but we know that’s coming soon. You know you can’t sit down in one place, so you’ll be the first person to open the gate when they open. I don’t blame you; I too want to receive grinds to Burna’s new album in Quilox. But you also know what that means for your account balance:
2. Disregard that list because Nigeria is a mad place
6. When all these fail, enjoy your life
