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  • 10 Hilarious Tweets That’ll Make Salary Earners Say ‘Same’

    10 Hilarious Tweets That’ll Make Salary Earners Say ‘Same’

    1. When salary alert is about to land and MTN wants to spoil things

    https://twitter.com/winnie_wesley/status/822437579199049728

    2. When your salary decides to go the way it comes

    https://twitter.com/TafadzwaNigel/status/822368959286497281

    3. This guy knows that money IS everything

    4. Truly, with salary comes debt and more debt

    5. This is all of us right now

    https://twitter.com/katles25/status/822310338536218624

    6. Seriously, same

    7. When you buy top, trousers and shoes and your salary dissapears

    https://twitter.com/jaevionn/status/822503369013071873

    8. When the real owners of your salary are already waiting for it…

    9. … And that makes you think bad thoughts

    https://twitter.com/Rouvafe/status/824160586355318784

    10. When your salary has too much work to do

    https://twitter.com/Miss_PriDee/status/825651995210039299

    Shola

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  • What To Do If You’re Tired of Being Broke

    1. So you’ve checked your account.

    2. And after all your trying it has happened again!

    3. You’re broke oh!

    4. But now you are tired of crying and shouting, what are you going to do?

    5. First you list out all your expenses and start cancelling out all the unnecessary ones.

    6. Like that your expensive girlfriend…

    7. And buying small chops and cake every day.

    8. All your attempts at cost cutting have not yielded much!

    9. And now everyone thinks you are rude.

    10. Then your father asks you “what did you use your money for?”

    11. You’re like:

    12. Now you are researching mutual funds and investment opportunities, like:

    13. Meanwhile everyone thinks you are now stingy and greedy because you no longer throw money around!

    14. But your ARM Money Market Fund is starting to look better each month

    15. And when your friends are complaining about being broke, you look at them like:

    16. Because thanks to ARM, you are on your way to rich gang, and poverty is behind you.

    Start your journey to wealth here

    https://arminvestmentcenter.com/mmf/

    Jola Ayeye

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  • Have You Ever Collected Wretched Money By Mistake?

    Have You Ever Collected Wretched Money By Mistake?

    1. So, you went to quickly buy something.

    2. And you were in a hurry so you just collected you change and ran off.

    3. Normally you would have left your change, as a tip.

    4. But recession, so no chance of that one!

    5. Anyway, now you’ve gotten home.

    6. Only to check your change and see torn notes everywhere.

    7. So what are you meant to do now?

    8. First you try to use the money to pay for something at the same store that gave you the wretched change.

    9. Only for the cashier to say they don’t accept such money.

    10. Then you try to give it to a bus conductor, who asks you if you’re crazy.

    11. Then, you think of dropping it in the offering basket only to see the usher looking at you, like:

    12. Then, you try to “dash” the money to one of your small cousins but he laughs at you, like:

    13. At the end of the day you end up keeping the money in one drawer, hoping and praying you wake up one day and it’s brand new.

    14. But so far, no such luck!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • All The Reasons January Is the Longest Month

    All The Reasons January Is the Longest Month

    1. You have to go back to work after enjoying your holiday.

    2. Your crush is now too busy for you.

    3. Meanwhile your boyfriend is still there, making noise and being a nuisance.

    4. Your bank account is in shambles….

    5. … but you still have so many bills to pay.

    6. Your aunties resume their “when will you marry” campaign.

    7. And if you have kids, no one has magically paid your their school fees for the term.

    8. So you’re just praying to make it, like:

    9. Everyday you wake up and check the date but somehow it has not passed the 15th of January.

    10. Meanwhile every minute seems 6 hours long.

    11. Anyway you’re a champion, so you survive…. only to face February like…

    Jola Ayeye

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  • 12 Times Nigerians Proved They’d Do Just About Anything For Money

    12 Times Nigerians Proved They’d Do Just About Anything For Money

    We know Nigerians love money, it’s in our DNA, but we didn’t realize just how much until now.

    1. Someone asked this question on Naija Twitter and you cannot imagine the responses he got.

    https://twitter.com/SubDeliveryMan/status/819708029809528833

    2. Just look at this one.

    3. He said it’s a family something.

    4. This one does not even fear at all!

    5. What?

    6. This one thinks snakes and spaghetti are the same.

    https://twitter.com/GreezyWill/status/819717035613712384

    7. When slippers is all the weapon you need.

    https://twitter.com/tomy_aeg/status/819845503206694912

    8. This babe is us honestly. Which snakes?

    9. We all need this guy’s confidence from time to time.

    10. But did the good Lord send you message, though?

    https://twitter.com/Pirisola_/status/819816735767457793

    11. All men must die sha.

    12. Just look at your man crush o!

    Shola

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  • 9 Things You’ll Recognise If 2017 Is Already Trying You (Number 3 Is The Most Hilarious)

    9 Things You’ll Recognise If 2017 Is Already Trying You (Number 3 Is The Most Hilarious)

    1. You foolishly finished all your money in December on Christmas rocks.

    2. And January was just looking at you like:

    3. When you check your bank account on the first week of January:

    4. On top of all that gbese, you now have to pay school fees.

    5. Your onigbeses, when you call them to ask for your money:

    6. When you want to be a better person in 2017 but January is already trying you:

    7. When your boss asks you to resume on January 2:

    8. So you kuku break all your resolutions on the 15th because you cannot come and die.

    9. You, when January finally comes to an end:

    Maryam

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  • If You Love Travelling, This Is For You

    If You Love Travelling, This Is For You

    1. When you are somewhere new and exciting … then you wake up and realise it was a dream.

    2. When you see travel magazines or travel channels, you’re like:

    3. Whn an airline is doing heavy discounts to a location you’ve never been to before.

    4. When your office needs someone to volunteer for an out of state training programme or workshop, you’re like:

    5. When you overhear people who often travel for work complain about travelling.

    6. When you check your “travel” account and you will soon be able to afford a trip!

    7. When you meet people who love travelling as much as you do.

    8. When you finally get to your destination and it’s better than you expected.

    Jola Ayeye

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  • 7 Ways Your Change Runs Away From You

    1. When you give the conductor 500 naira and he says “I dey come”.

    2. When the supermarket cashier says they don’t have change.

    3. When you buy something in traffic and the traffic lights change before you can collect change.

    4. When you send your small cousin on an errand and they decide your change is their payment.

    5. When you put change in your bag and it disappears somewhere inside… forever.

    6. When policemen decide to harass you, you look at your change like:

    7. When your are in a hurry and you forget your change in the supermarket.

    Jola Ayeye

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  • If Your Bank Stresses You Out This Is For You

    1. When you want to just open an account and they bring one million forms to fill.

    2. When it’s taking a million years for them to sort out your BVN number.

    3. When it takes an additional one million years to get your debit card.

    4. When your debit alerts are quick to appear and credit alerts are slow to enter.

    5. When the bank starts telling you stories about their nonsense bank charges.

    6. When you conduct a foreign transaction and your bank exchange rate wants to kill you.

    7. When your bank starts doing concert and food festival as if that’s their work.

    8. When the bank app is just a waste of space because it doesn’t work.

    9. When ordinary cheque clearance takes over 3 days.

    10. When you want to close your account and they now start disturbing you with offers to do better.

    Jola Ayeye

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  • The Story Of My Runaway Church Change

    The Story Of My Runaway Church Change

    1. So I was in a church service last week and it was fantastic!

    2. The ushers shook me and it was like God himself welcomed me.

    3. Then the choir was on point, singing like heavenly choristers!

    4. And the man of God had preached one wonderful word!

    5. He used all his veins to preach and was sweating viscously by the end of the sermon so I know.

    6. It was all round fantastic!

    7. Then it was offering time, blessing time!

    8. I was so motivated by the sermon and the whole service I decided I must give.

    9. So I put my hand in my wallet, and dropped something for the Lord!

    10. That’s when I realised I had dropped my last 1000 naira!

    11. Hay God!

    12. I was supposed to use that money to go home, buy lunch and small credit.

    13. So after service I went to the church office.

    14. I then asked for my change.

    15. This is how they were looking at me.

    16. So I repeated myself!

    17. Ladies and gentlemen I received another sermon oh!

    18. And the moral of the story was that the Lord will repay me.

    19. So no credit, no lunch and I trekked home!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • If You Are Tired Of This Recession This Is For You

    1. When you put on your TV an hear about “recession” again.

    2. Then you check the newspaper, same thing.

    3. In your office, that’s what everyone is talking about.

    4. Even in church, they’ve been using it do prayer point for the last one million weeks.

    5. When you get to the market and prices have gone up again because of “recession”.

    6. When you even dream of buying things from abroad, the exchange rate laughs at you like:

    7. Then you try and be more than you are and look at airline ticket prices, only to see a lot more zeros than you expected.

    8. Even your boyfriend does not call you again because “recession”.

    9. And your salary is now for decoration since all it can buy you is …. nothing.

    10. Then the government people are just talking jagbajantis instead of fixing the thing.

    11. Your friends don’t even have respect, some are marrying and still want you to pay for aso ebi.

    12. And some are even asking you to join them in one useless pyramid scheme or the other.

    13. But you sha won’t die whether the recession like it or not!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • All The things We Love That Money Cannot Buy

    All The things We Love That Money Cannot Buy

    1. Honest Nigerian tailors!

    The most confused human beings on the planet.

    2. A permanent end to “aunty we don’t have change” in Nigerian supermarkets and shops.

    Really and truly, I want my seven naira change.

    3. An honest boyfriend.

    That one is just luck oh!

    4. A boss that doesn’t bring 3 hours worth of work for you 20 minutes to the close of day.

    So rude?

    5. For Nigerian aunties to stop asking “when will you marry” every time they see you.

    Is it a competition?

    6. For Nigerian mechanics to stop doing “it could may be” with your car when it has a problem!

    “It’s like it’s fan belt oh” “Actually it’s engine. The engine has knocked”

    7. For nonsense bank charges to come to an end.

    Those ones will soon charge for breathing sef!

    8. For Nigerian parents to stop calling their kids from another continent to help them bring the remote right beside them.

    Really. Truly.

    9. For people with obviously crazy dogs to stop saying “he doesn’t bite”.

    Yes, we know he doesn’t bite you. It’s me I care about.

    Jola Ayeye

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  • 12 Thoughts You Definitely Have When Its The Middle Of The Month

    1. When you receive your salary at the month end and you start spending anyhow.

    Flexing unlimited.

    2. Buying everything you want like:

    This is your time to shine.

    3. Even seeing all the newest movies in town:

    Because you deserve this pampering!

    4. All this while, you’ve not been checking your account balance.

    You’re sure you still have money anyway.

    5. You, when you now mistakenly check it mid-month:

    Chisossss!

    6. You, calculating how you can manage the money before brokeness overtakes you:

    Eat breakfast, cancel lunch and dinner.

    7. When you see your colleagues still ordering pizza everyday.

    Is it not the same salary we’re collecting again?

    8. Even going to the movies all through the week!

    These people have witchcraft o!

    9. You, wondering how your life has become like this:

    I’m broke 99.9% of the time!

    10. How you now start eyeing your savings account.

    Because who savings help?

    11. When you ask your dad for money, he’s like:

    “Didn’t you just collect salary, though?”

    12. You, praying in advance against every spirit of reckless spending:

    This cannot happen again next month!

    …Remember to try this out when you get that next salary

    Shola

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  • All The Things That Happen When You’re Broke

    All The Things That Happen When You’re Broke

    1. All your debtors refuse to pick up your phone calls.

    And later they will say you should help people oh!

    2. All your creditors suddenly remember you exist.

    Ah doesn’t the bible say you should forgive debt?

    3. Everyone starts dropping aso ebi for you to buy.

    So in this economy you people can still marry?

    4. Your phone and laptop decide to stop working.

    Ah! See the devil at work.

    5. There is a NEPA surge and all your electrical appliances at home blow.

    Enemies are at work.

    6. All your friends suddenly want to go for lunch or dinner every other day.

    You people don’t have rice at home?

    7. Your siblings suddenly remember you’re their favourite sibling.

    Everybody better recognise they are on their own oh!

    8. Your church starts asking for supernatural giving.

    It’s not me you people will kill!

    9. People start coming to borrow even more money.

    Do I look like someone that can even help myself?

    10. Your next salary is so far way and has even already finished before you get it!

    Life is not easy oh.

    Jola Ayeye

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  • If You’ve Ever Been Broke On Your Birthday, This Is For You

    1. When you remember that your birthday is soon!

    Let the good times roll!

    2. But then you also remember that you are very broke.

    Ah!

    3. You check your account and it’s even worse than you thought!

    But I was supposed to have more than this!

    4. Meanwhile your friends and colleagues are expecting you to “do birthday” for them!

    Look at these people oh!

    5. You find out how much cake is and you’re like:

    For sugar and flour?

    6. Even small chops are expensive.

    Puff puff is now arrogant!

    7. People start texting you that they’re coming to your house after work that day:

    I am finished oh!

    8. And before you know it your own birthday has become a prayer point.

    Father Lord do something miraculous in my account!

    9. The closer you get to your birthday the more stressed you are.

    Why is time moving so fast?

    10. Now you are thinking about your big age and lack of money.

    God why always me?

    11. So you ask for the day off and tell everyone you’re travelling around that period.

    “Something impromptu oh! See you people in 3 days!”

    12. But you stay at home and beg God not to allow this kind of wretchedness follow you into next year.

    This affliction must not arise a second time.

    Jola Ayeye

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  • 13 Things That Happen When You’re Desperately Waiting For Payday

    1. When you get too scared to check your account balance.

    Because what you don’t know won’t kill you.

    2. When you have to start buying food at the buka near you.

    What is restaurant selling that Iya Basira doesn’t have, please?

    3. How you now have to start walking to work, because no money.

    It’s part of exercise anyway!

    4. You and indomie will now be like:

    Your best friend when the going gets tough.

    5. How you unlook when your friends say they want to go and see a movie.

    Movie ko! I have NTA in my house, please.

    6. How you now start sparking for all the people owing you money.

    If you people don’t want to die, release it!

    7. When you don’t even bother yourself with mobile data anymore.

    There’s kuku wifi in the office!

    8. You, when someone offers you free food at the office.

    My helper!

    9. How you sleep knowing tomorrow is payday.

    Finally!

    10. You, checking your phone every second for that credit alert.

    This thing should come o!

    11. How you call HR when the salary still doesn’t land.

    Ermmm oga HR, how market?

    12. You, when HR says there’ll be a delay in payment.

    Kuku carry knife and kill me , please!

    13. When you finally get the pay, you’re like:

    I’m rich, bitch!

    Shola

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  • Here Is Why Nigerians Are The Coolest People Alive

    Here Is Why Nigerians Are The Coolest People Alive

    In this recession, someone was dashing people money to get the correct spelling of Lupita Nyongo’s name.

    Calm down, it’s not in Nigeria. On the ‘Spellbrity’ segment of Jimmy Kimmel’s show, the TV crew members took to the streets and challenged Americans to spell Lupita’s name for a prize which doubled every time someone spelled it wrongly.

    All the Oyinbo people failed it o!

    But because Nigerians are efikos and don’t like wasting school fees, a Nigerian woman finally won $1280 (N403,000) for spelling it right. She even added the correct apostrophe.

    You can watch the video below:

    But we need to ask whose daddy was jumping up and down at the end of the video? We love him sha!

    Maryam

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  • All The Things That Happen When Your Eye Is Bigger Than Your Wallet

    1. How you walk into a shop you like with panache and confidence.

    2. Then you begin to look around.

    3. Picking all sorts of off the racks.

    4. Feeling sexy and important.

    5. Even enter the changing room to try on some of the clothes.

    6. Then you start looking at the price tags.

    7. What is all this?

    8. Why is one outfit half of your salary?

    9. Don’t these designers fear God?

    10. You walk out of the store with nothing but sadness.

    11. But one day your eye and wallet will be mates.

    12. And then you’ll be back to buy everything!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • 10 Things You’ll Get If You’re The CEO Of Rich Gang

    1. When you want a Porsche but your dad says you should manage a BMW.

    What is all this one now?

    2. When credit alert will not let your phone rest.

    Can I just rest please?

    3. When dressing up is an everlasting stuggle because your clothes are just too many.

    So tired.

    4. When your tailors start calling 100k because they know you’re rich.

    Are you joking?

    5. When your compound is too full and there’s no space to park your plenty cars.

    See stress!

    6. When you get a job and they want to pay you 500k salary.

    Such rudeness!

    7. You, when everybody wants to be your friend by force.

    Which kind wahala?

    8. When you’re not sure your boyfriend really loves you or just loves your money.

    True love or nah?

    9. You, when your relatives start saying ‘you’re spoiled’ because you have money.

    Na you sabi!

    10. When first class seats are not even comfortable for you.

    This rich life is just stress!

    Shola

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  • If You Are Always Broke, This Is For You

    If You Are Always Broke, This Is For You

    1. When you wake up and the money you dreamt of is not in front of you.

    So it was a dream? This life sha!

    2. When you’ve made a tight budget and one unexpected expense comes up.

    I mean, might as well.

    3. When your rich gang friends start making plans for lunch and want to include you.

    Awon alakoba.

    4. When your salary has just entered but you know in 30 minutes you will be broke again.

    Is this how life used to do?

    5. When the aso ebi mafia want to turn you into a debtor.

    I already have enough problems please.

    6. When you go and borrow money AGAIN from your sharp mouthed friend they’re like:

    Baba God change my story!

    7. When you see “sales” but you don’t bother entering the store because even if it’s 100% off, it’s still too expensive.

    One day sha, one day!

    8. When you see “free” in front of anything.

    Just bring it, I will find something I can use it for.

    9. When you forget your change.

    Why must the righteous suffer like this?

    10. How people look at you when you go to a party with an empty container to carry food home:

    Please mind your business you don’t know my struggles.

    11. When someone threatens to sue you, you’re like.

    With which money will I pay you? Better just abuse me and go!

    12. When you check your account balance and it’s even worse than you thought.

    HAYYYYYYY!

    13. You, every morning:

    Maybe one 2000 naira will drop from somewhere sha.

    14. When someone refers to anything more than 1500 naira as “chicken change”.

    You people are rich oh!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • How A Bank Cashier Was Trying To Toast Me

    How A Bank Cashier Was Trying To Toast Me

    So one onigbese finally returned my money after all these days and I went to the bank to deposit it.

    Yassss! Pay day!!!

    But we know Nigerian banks are stressful, with their halls that are always looking like this…

    ‘No money’ ‘no money’, but you people will not stay in your house abi?

    I just jejely joined a queue as long as River Niger.

    I’m not liking this wahala at all o!

    After forever, it was finally my turn.

    Praise the Lord!

    That’s how one man just came from no where thinking he can chance me.

    Who is this unku please? Because you carry big money? Abeg join queue jare!

    The male cashier started answering him and just ignored me!

    Diaris God o!

    How the cashier looked at me when I gave him my 3k deposit…

    ‘What’s all this nonsense?’

    But money is money in this economy, so me sef I was like…

    Ehen? Kiloshele?!

    After giving me ela earlier, he now wanted to start forming conversation with me.

    After wasting my whole day? Oga just calculate my money lemme gerrarahia.

    How I smiled at him when I saw that he was a fine guy sha…

    See fresh fish!

    When I realized he wrote his phone number on my receipt…

    Ahn ahn, brother, because of ordinary smile?

    And I even saw a ring on that finger.

    Don’t kobalize me please.

    I just threw his number away and went to my house.

    Lemme go and sleep.

    Shola

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  • If You’ve Ever Owed Someone Money, This Post Is For You

    If You’ve Ever Owed Someone Money, This Post Is For You

    1. Whenever you remember you owe someone money.

    So this is what it is to be an onigbese!

    2. You, trying to figure out what exactly you did with the money you borrowed.

    Because you have nothing to show for all the money you borrowed.

    3. When you realise you have to find money to pay back your creditor…

    HAYYY! Very what? Very Good!

    4. And another money to do what you initially borrowed money for.

    This life is just a pot of beans sha!

    5. When you see the person you owe money at a party or social event.

    “So you have money to sew aso ebi but you don’t have my money abi?”

    6. When you read up on how debt is a normal part of society and even wealthy men have debt.

    Ehen, even Dangote has debt abeg nobody should stress me!

    7. Then you remember all fingers are not equal and you better find your level.

    Because Dangote pays his own debt sha.

    8. When you are now stuck in the cycle of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.

    Which kind of life is this?

    9. When you have to choose between buying something you need and paying your creditor back.

    Actually eating this week is not compulsory sha. Let me just pay back this money.

    10. How you see your creditors coming after you in your dreams:

    Is it that deep? Ahn ahn!

    11. When you see missed calls from your creditor.

    Ah! I don’t have your money oh better save your credit and be calling people that have.

    12. When your creditor calls you and you pick up by mistake.

    “I can’t hear you please the network here is just too bad!”

    13. When you want to post yourself having fun on social media then you remember your creditor.

    Before they will say you are enjoying life with their money oh!

    14. You catching your subs on social media from your creditor.

    “Na wa oh, is it me that this one is calling useless onigbese with no shame?”

    15. When the pastor asks those in church with financial needs to come out you’re like:

    “My money miracle will not pass me by!”

    16. When people are talking about terrible debtors and you have to hold yourself back from defending yourself.

    “But we are actually good people!”

    17. When you finally pay back the money you owe.

    Free at last!

    Jola Ayeye

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  • 18 Common Bridesmaid Problems

    18 Common Bridesmaid Problems

    1. When your friend gets engaged.

    So exciting!

    2. Then you remember that probably means you have to do bridesmaid wahala!

    Ohhhhhhhh gosh!

    3. When the maid of honour starts doing like class captain.

    Madam better rest!

    4. When they start calling funky colours you’ve never heard before.

    You say glossy meringue abi? Very what? Very good!

    5. When they call one funny hairstyle that will make your head look like egg.

    “It’s a no from me!”

    6. When you need to drop money for bridal shower, hen night and pre-wedding brunch.

    How many wedding will you wed ma?

    7. When you get more useless notifications from the wedding group chat.

    If I leave the group chat now it will be like I’m rude.

    8. When you’re in more than one bridesmaid group chat at the same time.

    All of you should shut up!

    9. When you see the aso ebi prices.

    Is the aso ebi made of heavenly material?

    10. When the bride thinks that bridesmaid means temporary housegirl.

    My sister you’ve missed road oh! I’m not on seat.

    11. When the group oversabi starts talking another thing again.

    When will this one shut up for goodness sakes?

    12. When the photographer starts calling useless poses for the wedding party.

    Dab ko, dab ni.

    13. When people start trying to hook you up with one of the groomsmen by force.

    If you don’t gerraria for real!

    14. When people start shouting your name to catch the bouquet.

    Did I beg you people?

    15. You and your fellow bridesmaids packing money being sprayed on the couple.

    Exercise!

    16. When it’s all over.

    Peace at last!

    17. When you calculate how much you’ve spent on the wedding.

    HAY GOD!

    18. When another friend gets engaged.

    Again?

    Jola Ayeye

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  • Everything That Happens To Nigerians That Bet On Football

    Everything That Happens To Nigerians That Bet On Football

    When all your guys suddenly started betting and you were just looking at them like:

    See your lives.

    Then your account balance finally made you swallow your pride.

    Hay God!

    You, doing permutation and combination before placing your very first bet.

    No time.

    You, after your first straight bet clicked.

    It has started.

    You, adding “Data analytics and Forecast Expert” to your CV after your second bet clicked.

    I sabi the work.

    You and Live Score:

    Your new bestfriend.

    Whenever your first game spoils your slip.

    CHAI!

    Whenever you hear gist of people that used N100 to win 3 million.

    Let’s hear word.

    When you go and place 10 slips praying that at least one will enter.

    Baba God, do it for your child.

    You, watching all of them cast one by one.

    Why me?

    How you look at the team that still managed to mess up your double chance bet:

    So useless.

    When you finally place one high risk bet but you swear you’ve picked a winner.

    This is my time.

    You, wondering whether you should tell your guys or chill and chop alone.

    Nah! Them no born me with anybody.

    You, looking at your expected winnings when none of your games have casted.

    My testimony is loading.

    When your slip is remaining just one game.

    God, hear me oh!

    You, calculating what you will use all that money to buy.

    I will ball sha.

    When by half-time it’s still 1-1 and you put straight win.

    What is this?

    When you refresh Live Score and 86th minute nothing has changed.

    My enemies want to shame me.

    Then 93rd minute, your village witches allow the other team score.

    I’m dead.

    You swear you’ll never bet again, but Bet9ja and Nairabet are there looking at you like:

    You’ll be back.

    Daniel Orubo

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  • 7 Times This Nigerian Was Humble-Brag Goals

    7 Times This Nigerian Was Humble-Brag Goals
    This Nigerian car dealer knows he has plenty money but he kuku doesn’t want to rub it in our faces too much so we won’t feel bad. He’s religious and even covers his really expensive car with the blood of Jesus when he gets scared. Here are 7 times he was too humble in his bragging:

    1. When he didn’t know what to wear.

    2. His wonderful act of charity.

    3. When he was going to church on a rainy day.

    4. When he was stuck in traffic with little fuel in his car.

    5. When he wanted us to know his “started from the bottom” story.

    6. When he was pleading the blood of Jesus.

    7. When he shared how he made the greatest mistake of his life.

    Uncle Wizkid, take note.

    Maryam

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  • Nigerians Were Asked If They Could Slap Their Mothers For $20 Million And The Responses Were Hilarious

    Nigerians Were Asked If They Could Slap Their Mothers For $20 Million And The Responses Were Hilarious
    BattaBox took to the streets to ask Nigerians if they could slap their mothers for 20 million dollars. Nigerians were ever-dramatic with their responses.

    A woman said she’ll rather slap her mother for money than do money ritual.

    Na wa o! When did slapping someone have anything to do with money ritual?

    Many said they could never slap their mothers because a mother is worth much more than money.

    But 20 million dollars can pay for a year’s worth of cheek massages for mummy sha, just saying.

    Some said they wouldn’t because they don’t want their mothers to curse them.

    The fear of a Nigerian mother’s curses is the beginning of wisdom.

    One said his mother would offer to be slapped willingly and he would celebrate Mother Slapping Day after collecting the money.

    Na wa!

    Others said they needed their mother’s permission before slapping them.

    Who permission don epp?

    What would you do?

    [zkk_poll post=30650 poll=content_block_standard_format_6]

    Watch the full video here.

    Maryam

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  • 15 Pictures You’ll Understand If You’ve Ever Used An ATM In Nigeria

    15 Pictures You’ll Understand If You’ve Ever Used An ATM In Nigeria

    1. When the ATM in front of a bank doesn’t have money in it.

    Are you people serious at all?

    2. When the ATM swallows your card on a weekend.

    I’m dead.

    3. Nigerians and “Are you the last pulzon on the queue? Amatyourback.”

    Leave me, biko.

    4. When someone tries to jump the queue.

    Better respect yourself.

    5. You, when you want to check your account balance.

    Mind your business, please.

    6. When you don’t withdraw because you’re broke and someone asks “is it dispensing?”

    Uhm! Actually…The thing is…

    7. When it doesn’t bring out your money but you get a debit alert.

    Jehovah!

    8. When someone asks you to help them use the ATM.

    See this one.

    9. When the person using the ATM is reading it as if it’s a novel.

    Do and get out, abeg.

    10. Whenever you see “Issuer or Switch Inoperative”

    What does this even mean?

    11. When someone goes to the ATM that doesn’t have a line in front of it instead of going to the one with a queue.

    All of us that are not using it are mad, abi?

    12. When the ATM asks if you want a receipt then says it doesn’t have paper.

    Nonsense.

    13. When the ATM just swallowed someone’s card and they tell you to try your own.

    No, thanks.

    14. You, when the ATM makes that ‘Krrrrrrrr’ sound.

    YES LORD!

    15. How you feel every time your bank takes that N65:

    It’s God that will judge you.

    Daniel Orubo

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  • 17 Pictures Every Nigerian Who Is Tired Of Being An Adult Will Understand

    17 Pictures Every Nigerian Who Is Tired Of Being An Adult Will Understand

    1. When they swore living alone was going to be fun, but this now your life:

    Epp me please, I’m always hungry.

    2. You, everytime the house bills start pouring in.

    Jah Jehovah.

    3. Whenever you hear “when will you marry?”

    When will you mind your business?

    4. When you were looking for work and employers wanted you to have 10 years experience and still be 22.

    Edakun sir, I need work.

    5. When you realized that 9 to 5 actually means 8 to whenever your oga says.

    Is this life?

    6. You, everyday in the office:

    I’m done. I’m just done.

    7. When you salary constantly finds a way to finish before the month is over.

    The devil is at work.

    8. When you remember you’re meant to be saving for your future, but your account balance is just looking at you like:

    The future? I haven’t even figured out the present.

    9. You, trying to hold your life together.

    The endless struggle.

    10. When extended family finally stops dashing you money whenever you see them.

    Ah! Uncle, did I offend you?

    11. You, when plans with your friends get cancelled.

    Thank God! I can sleep.

    12. When you realize that you really can’t win with money.

    The worst.

    13. You, trying to run away from your responsibilities.

    Hay God!

    14. When your friends think you have it all figured out.

    Too inaccurate.

    15. When something in your house spoils and you hear the cost of fixing it.

    Chieneke!

    16. When everyone around you is starting a family and you realize it will soon be your own turn.

    Nigerian wedding? House? Car? School Fees? Jehovah!

    17. You and adult life on a daily basis:

    Can I just take a holiday from being adult?

    Daniel Orubo

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  • BREAKING: Basketmouth About To Lose His Endorsement Deal!

    BREAKING: Basketmouth About To Lose His Endorsement Deal!

    Basketmouth has been busy making endorsement deals in Nigeria and the abroad.

    Ahn ahn! Basketmouth fine small sha.

    But just like anyone else pitching ideas, you’ve got to make sure your oga at the top is happy with it.

    He holds the key to your success na… Financial success.

    But what happens if he doesn’t like your idea at all?!

    Open your mouth and start praying!

    Do you try and explain yourself?

    “Em Sah! You see the way this thing will look in the end ehn…”

    Do you run?

    Hay God and they gave him visa ohh!

    Do you start thinking of all that money you won’t get?

    *Cries in pounds, dollars and euros*

    Watch how Basketmouth tries to salvage his business deal here:

    Damilola

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  • The Story Of WAEC And The Processing Fee

    The Story Of WAEC And The Processing Fee
    The West African Examinations Commissions (WAEC), the major examination body for West African secondary school finalists is currently under fire.

    As a result of an anti-corruption crack down on the examination bodies in Nigeria, a financial discrepancy was discovered by the minister of finance, Mrs Kemi Adeosun

    And while Nigerians were stilll processing that information, these tweets dropped on Twitter.

    It was alleged that an NGO had requested for the shortlist of the best students in the 2014/2015 WAEC examination.

    The purpose of the request was to reward the students for doing well and also inspire other students towards excellence in their studies.

    However, the second photo in the tweet was the screenshot of the alleged response the NGO received from WAEC.

    They were asked to pay a processing fee of 1.85 million Naira before getting access to the short list.

    And after speaking with the NGO for confirmation…

    To confirm the veracity of this story, I spoke to the CEO of EDUBOX and he confirmed WAEC requested N1.8million from them for processing.

    — Abd’Aziz Bakare (@Backarray) February 22, 2016

    The CEO also told me he immediately called WAEC to protest the fees and offered a lesser amount but they said it is non-negotiable.

    — Abd’Aziz Bakare (@Backarray) February 22, 2016

    As expected, the tweet generated massive reactions from Nigerians. They mentioned how convenient it was for WAEC to announce the failure of the candidates at no cost.

    https://twitter.com/Seyi__/status/701793945605578752

    How they are enemies of progress.

    Some felt the response from WAEC was legit.

    https://twitter.com/yew1e/status/701727439253336064
    [zkk_poll post=20010 poll=content_block_standard_format_10]

    Maryam

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  • QUIZ: Can We Guess How Much Money You’ll Make This Month Based On Your Zodiac Sign?

    QUIZ: Can We Guess How Much Money You’ll Make This Month Based On Your Zodiac Sign?

    Let us guess how much you will make this month based on your star sign.

    Don’t believe us?  Take the quiz and find out!

    Maryam

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  • 10 Things You Can Buy With 500 Naira

    10 Things You Can Buy With 500 Naira

    We’re not here to remind you that this note is worth less than 5 dollars.

    Well, we just did.

    Don’t be angry. You can still get to buy a lot of things with 500 Naira. Here are 7 of them:

    1. A pair of slippers like this

    Check Balogun market or Mandillas if you think we’re lying.

    2. 1GB of data on a Spectranet router

    We’re not kidding. Check here to find out.

    3. A plate of food at a local buka

    You’ll even get a steaming bowl of Amala at White House for 500 naira.

    4. Recharge cards

    5. Netflix and chill

    https://twitter.com/etisalat_9ja/status/685029511302393856/photo/1?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

    6. Suya

    7. A movie ticket in Ibadan

    8. Nivea body spray

    9. This pair of faux eyelashes

    10. At least 5 litres of fuel.

    Did we miss anything? Let us know.

    Maryam

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  • This Is What Happens When You Stumble On An Unexpected Business Venture

    This Is What Happens When You Stumble On An Unexpected Business Venture
    Has it ever happened that you were going about your business, when an opportunity to make some dough practically fell into your lap? Then you wondered whether or not you should actually take it, but it looked like trouble waiting to happen? @Sedaaat had this exact experience and shared what he did on Twitter.
    https://twitter.com/sedaaat/status/642131759459602432

    I was walking down welling and when I was on the phone, 3 white guys came up to me and asked me if I was a dealer. I was so confused

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    I decided to play along and asked them what made them think that, they said because I had my hood on and I was talking “south london”..

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    these guys looked like they were 25-26 and I thought rah, I need money uno. So I asked them ‘what you looking for?’

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    they were like ‘yeah yeah can I get that thing that makes a lad go loud’ I was dying. I was gasping for air bruv. They started to laugh too

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    once they started to laugh. I started to move anti and said ‘don’t laugh bruv, I got that 10/10 bags, I’m not playing about’ ?

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    I was still on the phone and turned around just looking like this into the distance pic.twitter.com/0FvMFVmd6z

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    I told them to give me a couple mins and that Im going to nice them. I ran around the corner and took the weed out and put it in the grinder

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    now I have an empty bag, I found broken leaves, I crunched it up and put it in the bag. I started to walk back like pic.twitter.com/xatTAVS7ww

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    The first fucking thing they say to me is “back from the bando are we” I was finished. I told them that this would get them fuckeddddddd ???

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    I showed them the bag and I knew they never seen weed in their life before. I told them to smell it. They were each taking deep breaths ?

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    They were like woah bro to each other and I said this is the new strong stuff, sweet ammi from morroco ygm fam. they were so amazed ??

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    ‘I’ve heard about this a couple days ago, I’ve been looking for this for so many weeks now’ ?????????????????????

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    ‘we are going to get so fucked’ they were so happy, bless them. I asked them it’s sensational init? pic.twitter.com/4kStY9PUTi

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    they asked me for a price and I told them that I niced them. it’s usually £25 but I’ll sell it for £20. Then they started to think.

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    am I dickhead bruv. I grabbed back my broken leaves and said ‘I’m not fucking playing bruv. I’ve got places to be. do you want it or not?’

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    I was so in character that I was actually fuming. I walked off and one of them ran after me and said ‘I’m so sorry mr dealer’ ???????

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    I was angry at this point ‘dont fucking call me mr dealer are you stupid? Do you season your chicken you prick. what if we’re being watched’

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    the guy started to panic, I threw the bag of broken leaves to him and he gave me £20 🙂

    — s (@sedaaat) September 11, 2015

    And that was how he made a cool £20. Those guys basically asked for it.

    [zkk_poll post=13799 poll=content_block_standard_format_21]

    chioma

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  • 10 Things About Being A Man In Nigeria

    10 Things About Being A Man In Nigeria
    Often times we discuss the effects of patriarchy on women in a society, but truth be told the effects are also detrimental to men. As a result of these perceptions and pressures, here are 10 things about being a man in Nigeria:

    1. If you don’t have a job get ready for your man license to be revoked.

    2. You must be responsible for your wife, children, her parents and siblings, your parents and siblings without complaining all on your 100k salary.

    Even if you end up with a stroke from all the pressure what is the big deal. Are you not a man? Oh and prepare for the waiter to always hand you the bill.

    3. You should not cry ever. You are not a human being, you are a man. Emotions are not built for people like you.

    4. Don’t attend a school reunion without your property and car on fleek because being broke is never an option.

    5. You are not allowed to earn less than your wife.

    6. You must be a good leader and be financially astute just by virtue of being a man even though you haven’t got the faintest clue about any of those things.

    7. You should never ask for help. A real man is always in control even though your life might be falling to pieces.

    8. You should never admit that you do not know how to do something. Are you not a man?

    9. You are not expected to know how to cook or wash your own underwear. Prepare to be constantly infantalised.

    Men shouldn’t be taught some basic survival skills like learning to nourish themselves or how to keep themselves clean.

    10. When there is a loss, you are not permitted to grieve. You must be strong for everyone else.

    If you breakdown what are the rest of us meant to do. Men are not weak. Though it seems like all laughs, the realities can be quite grim when you take out time to ruminate through the issues. Voices For Change have recently produced their landmark research conducted across various states and regions in the country into a report aptly titled ‘Being A Man In Nigeria Perception And Realities’. Some statistics from the report are heartbreaking and further remind us about the dangers of patriarchal systems to both men and boys and why the need for empowerment and gender parity is still a pertinent issue. You can download the report here.
    Written by Zikoko contributor Wana Udobang. Wana Udobang is a broadcaster, writer, poet, performer, filmmaker and curator working out of Lagos, Nigeria.

    Damilola

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  • QUIZ: Which Nigerian Hit Song Accurately Describes Your Account Balance?

    QUIZ: Which Nigerian Hit Song Accurately Describes Your Account Balance?

    Is your account balance singing “Buga” or is it wailing “God abeg”? This quiz knows the truth.

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • Explaining Crypto to Your 50+ Nigerian Parents

    Explaining Crypto to Your 50+ Nigerian Parents

    Telling them about it for the first time

    They’ve probably heard about it on a WhatsApp group and got curious, so they decided to put the school fees they paid to use by asking you about it.

    Then you innocently start mentioning blockchains and wallets

    They’ll follow you till the end of your speech like they perfectly understand, but just know it’s a scam.

    Then you mistakenly mention “invest”

    This sparks all kinds of red flags for them. “Is it like MMM?” “Will they run with my money?”. They somehow start to ask all the critical questions.

    They give up and say they’re not doing it again

    If anything sounds like too much risk, you can expect them to move in the opposite direction.

    But they see you making money from it

    As a wise man once said, “If you no make am, no evidence say you try your best”. They’ll eventually see you balling with the money you’re making from crypto and they’ll get interested too.

    Then they’ll invest

    Eventually, you’ll explain the whole thing one last time and they’ll pretend to understand, but they just want the money. You’ll help them sign up for a crypto exchange like Luno where they can buy some Bitcoin and Ethereum. Their money will go up and they’ll start looking at you like they’re reaping the fruits of their labour.

    Then it dips for a moment and they’re holding your shirt

    They’ll hold you like you’re the one who turned down the price. Even though you explained everything to them from the start.

    Investing in crypto can be a stressful thing. So, why not use an exchange that simplifies it for you and makes it easy to use? A perfect example is Luno, which allows you to buy and sell cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Litecoin very easily. All you have to do is download the app and sign up to get started.

    Sheriff Alimi

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  • The Life of a Crypto Bro Who Loves Living Dangerously

    The Life of a Crypto Bro Who Loves Living Dangerously

    They don’t own Bitcoin or Ethereum

    They’re the kind to think Bitcoin is for old and boring people who don’t want to take any risks with their money.

    They’re always looking for crazy returns

    Not even MMM can give these people the kinds of returns they want. They want to see a 100x return on their money and they want it before the weekend.

    Their life savings are in crypto

    This wouldn’t be so bad if they put all of their money in Bitcoin or USDT and not a coin they expect to do 1000x in two market days. 

    They’re at constant risk of being homeless

    They’ve risked so much that they’re always anxious about losing everything. Why would you even do that to yourself? Don’t you like peace?

    They don’t do their own research

    That’s how you know they don’t really care about their money like that. They just want to make the quick bucks, so they’ll follow other people’s lead instead. Always do your own research.

    They don’t use Luno

    How can you take someone who says they do crypto seriously when they don’t use a safe and secure crypto exchange like Luno? It’s just wrong.

    Don’t be like these people. You don’t have to live dangerously to make money with crypto. Use Luno and have your crypto transactions happen quickly and safely. The app lets you buy, sell, and store cryptocurrencies like Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Litecoin. All you have to do is download the app and sign up.

    Sheriff Alimi

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