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  • I Cried When I Couldn’t Run Away after an Argument with My Husband

    I Cried When I Couldn’t Run Away after an Argument with My Husband

    If you’ve been on X (FKA Twitter) in the last 48 hours, you’d have seen a range of responses to a user’s question “What’s your first reality check after getting married?”

    I was looking to speak with married people to share their experiences when I found Gbemisola*(30). She talks about her struggle with conflict resolution and how being married now forces her to confront issues head on.

    As Told to Adeyinka

    I’ve been married for two years now, and it’s been a personal learning curve. The things you have to stomach for the sake of love? God, abeg.

    I met my husband in university in 2015. We were in the same department but different years, so we saw ourselves a lot in school. But being around each other didn’t stop at that.

    After we became official, I started spending more time at his hostel — I enjoyed his company and I didn’t even like my hostel. I had nosy roommates and privacy was completely out the window. The few times he visited, I had to talk my roommates into giving us some privacy, and I didn’t like that.

    Because of my roommates’ situation, it made more sense to spend time at his place. I eventually moved to his hostel completely and only went to my hostel when I needed a change of clothes.

    It was sweet in the early stages. We both did most of the cooking, watched movies together, read together and went to school together on days when we had similar schedules. Then, about six months into the relationship, the fights started to happen, showing me a version of myself I wasn’t aware of.

    It’s hard to remember the details now, but our first fight was over something so insignificant. We’d gotten into an argument over school work, and I didn’t like the way he went about proving my argument was wrong. I felt like he wanted a “gotcha” moment at my expense. I kept to myself for the rest of the evening, even though he kept bothering me. The first thing I did the following morning was to pack some of my clothes and return to my hostel. While I was away, he kept asking why I left because of a little argument. But I stayed in my hostel for two weeks.

    [ad]

    As our relationship went by,”running away” became my approach to conflict resolution. If we had any fight, I was out of his space that day or the next, and I made it a point not to return until weeks had passed. He hated this so much. He was always like “You can’t just up and leave because we have issues. Is this how you’ll do when we get married?” And my response to him was always “Well, we aren’t married, are we?”

    I remember a similar incident that happened while I was serving in Lagos. At the time, I switched between his place and my sister’s. One day, we had a fight, and in my usual pattern, I kept to myself. By the next morning I picked out clothes from the wardrobe and prepared to head over to my sister’s. He noticed me packing my stuff  and he just said “If you’re leaving because of our fight, I won’t stop you. But just know that if you walk out of that door, you’re walking out of my life and I won’t stop you.”

    It was the first time he reacted that way, so a part of me shuddered at the thought of “walking out of his life”. Obviously, the stubborn girl that I am, I didn’t concede. Instead, I lied and told him I only wanted to drop off some clothes at my sisters and I’ll be back at night.

    I don’t know why but that experience — his words particularly — stayed in my head for a long time and haunted me whenever I wrestled with the urge to leave his place after a fight.

    Now, what did I do?

    I started spacing the time I left. Instead of leaving the next day after a fight, I’d tell him I’m heading home in a couple of days. We both knew why my visit home was happening at that particular time, but we never talked about it.

    Fast forward to 2022, we tied the knot and officially became husband and wife. People have all sorts of worries going into marriage — Who handles the bills, who cooks, who should take care of the chores, etc. But for someone like me, whose coping mechanism during conflict was taking off, my only fear was the realisation that I couldn’t just take off as I wanted anymore.

    It didn’t help that my parents, relatives, and other older folks made it a point to drum it into my ears. “You can’t run away from your husband’s house o. If you have issues, stay there with him until you resolve it”.

    We barely had issues in the first year of our marriage. Everything worked perfectly, and there were hardly any major fights. Yes, we had minor arguments, but nothing serious enough to warrant my desire to flee.

    Then we had our first big fight in the second year. It was money related. After we got married, we decided to save together without necessarily opening a joint account, and we agreed to save a minimum of ₦50k monthly. It could be more, but never less.

    By the second year, we had saved quite a sum and I wanted some gadgets for the kitchen. My husband felt we should wait until we hit our savings goals, but I told him the items were on sale and it made sense to take the deal. He remained adamant, but I went ahead to make the purchase anyway. He was furious on the day the items were delivered and we had a little shouting match.

    I was livid that night and wanted so badly to be away from him. I think I considered going to an overnight cinema just to be out of the house, but I couldn’t find any. We ignored each other for the rest of the day, and I cried myself to sleep that night. To be honest, it wasn’t the fight that made me cry. I mean, it wasn’t the first time we fought. It was the realisation that I couldn’t up and leave like I did when we were dating.

    I suspected he also knew I couldn’t just leave if I wanted, and it slowed his eagerness to apologise. Back when we were dating, I’d have gotten calls and texts from him after I moved out, but in this case, he took his time before apologising.

    To be honest, it’s a trope we’re both navigating and it hasn’t been an easy one.

    Now, we are both intentional about finding ways to solve our issues as quickly as possible without the silent treatment or one person feeling like a prisoner in their home.  The truth is, I love my husband, and I miss him terribly every second I’m away from him during a fight or an argument. I know he feels the same way.

    READ NEXT: We Got Married So We Can Be Gay in Peace

    Adeyinka Odutuyo

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  • 7 Nigerian Men Prove That Women Are Actually Romantic

    7 Nigerian Men Prove That Women Are Actually Romantic

    We’ve all heard how running errands is a huge part of being married to Nigerian women. But we had to look into the matter and make sure you’re getting the full story. 

    We asked the husbands, and for Wife Appreciation Day, they shared the sweetest things their significant others have done for them. 

    “She bought me a phone”

    — Godwin, married for six years 

    My wife does lots of great things for me. I especially remember when she bought me a new phone for my birthday two years ago. My phone at the time was giving me issues, and I’d been planning to buy another, but she beat me to it. 

    “She gives me well-thought-out gifts every birthday” 

    — Chris*, married for nine months

    My wife is easily the most reliable person I know. If she says yes, I can trust her words. It’s hard to choose one thing, but she’s made it a habit to always give me well-thought-out gifts every birthday. And because I’m not used to receiving gifts, this is really special to me. 

    “I had an exam, so she had to plan our wedding”

    — Julius*, married for one year 

    My wife is very understanding. She came to care for me when I had COVID while we were still dating. And she took up the planning of our wedding because I had an exam that week. I practically just attended the wedding. 

    “Despite being swindled, she made sure she got me what I wanted”

    — Adams*, married for 22 months 

    Last year, my wife surprised me with an acoustic guitar on my birthday. Even after the first dealer swindled her and sold her the wrong spec, she paid for another one for me. And it was even better than the one I wanted.

    My love language is also words of affirmation, so the fact that she’s intentional about daily encouraging, reassuring and building me up with her words, means so much to me. 

    “She was ready to sacrifice her career”

    — Daniel*, married for seven years 

    I got a career-defining job offer. But for my wife, it meant abandoning her career to come with me. Even without me trying to persuade her, she said yes. 

    Note that she was a few months from a promotion that would have her earn more than what my job was offering me. 

    I didn’t take the offer, but it said a lot that she would consider such a huge sacrifice.

    “She took over the bills after my accident”

    — Andrew, married for one year 

    Last October, I had an accident and had to do two surgeries. I wanted to go right back to work, but she refused because she was worried I could get hurt in the process. I had to stay home for over six months, from the accident to the post-surgery, and she was the only one taking care of the house.

    “I have high standards because of her”

    — John*, married for four years 

    I was used to downplaying my skills. Even when people saw me as a guru, I didn’t think I was that good. So I allowed myself to undercharge and overdeliver. But she completely changed my mentality and helped me set a higher standard for myself. In my opinion, that’s the most important gift anyone can give you.

    *Some names have been changed for anonymity

    YOU JUST HAVE TO READ: 6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

    Meyimi O.

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  • What A Nigerian Bride Feels Before She Says “I Do”

    What A Nigerian Bride Feels Before She Says “I Do”

    We’ve talked about what really happens at a bachelorette party. But what’s on a soon-to-be bride’s mind before she says “I do?” In this article, eight Nigerian women reveal what and how they felt leading up to their wedding day. 

    1. “Nigerian aunties and uncles were the real brides at my wedding”

    — Yemisi, 36, married at 34

    I got married in 2020. Weeks before my wedding, my face was covered with pimples due to stress from my aunties and uncles. They wanted to control how many people I invited, how much food we ordered, my dress — everything. My parents didn’t make any demands, but they allowed their siblings to stress me. Even my siblings whom I expected to be more supportive were didn’t help. It felt like I was an outsider planning my wedding. My opinions weren’t respected.

    A month before my wedding, we were still battling over the guest list. I was over it. I had to take a step back. Anything that didn’t concern my dress and makeup wasn’t my problem anymore. I left my parents and their siblings to sort the rest out.

    2. “I felt guilty for grieving my late boyfriend”

    — Amaka*, 51, married at 29

    The man I married wasn’t who I thought I’d end up with. My previous relationship only ended because my partner died. We’d been together for our final three years of uni, and I’d hoped the rest of my life would be with him. But life happened.

    When I met the man I eventually married in 2002, I wasn’t actively looking for a relationship. I was 27 and still grieving my late lover. It’s not that I didn’t like my soon-to-be husband; I just wasn’t emotionally ready to commit. But then I fell pregnant and had to revisit my stance on commitment.

    My family wanted me to keep the baby. His parents were thrilled at the thought of a grandchild. I was 28 and uncertain. He’s a great guy, but I often found myself missing my ex-lover. A month before my wedding, I felt grief, guilt and fear — I was a wreck. I was upset that I couldn’t let myself love a good man. I couldn’t walk away from the wedding, though — my baby needed a father. After a year of being married, I learnt to focus on the present, and learn to love the man I married.

    RELATED: 10 Things To Be Prepared For When Planning A Wedding In Nigeria

    3. “I was planning a wedding after being deported from the UK”

    — Feyi*, 48, Married at 34

    In 2004, I travelled to the UK with my older sister and her family. It was my first time. I was 29 and thrilled by the ease of life abroad. When it was time to return to Nigeria, I asked to stay back. I didn’t have any papers, but I knew I’d figure it out. My sister didn’t object. For the first two years, I focused on surviving. I worked menial jobs and earned enough to rent a flat. I was doing okay.

    When I felt settled in 2006, I met a Jamaican man who was born in the UK. We courted for two years. He knew I didn’t have my papers, so legally getting married was difficult. sadly, in 2008 I was deported. But at least I didn’t get banned from re-entering the UK.

    When I got back to Nigeria, my lover and did long-distance relationship for a year. We still wanted to get married, but we wanted to give it some time. At least for things to settle. After a year, he came to Nigeria for our traditional and court wedding. Once we made it legal in Nigeria, applying for a spousal visa was possible. I was hoping for the best.

    A month before the wedding, I was only focused on how everything would work out. I wanted to get out of Nigeria. My only fears concerning marriage were our differences. He was a relaxed man, and I tend to be quite loud. He’s also the type that wants to apologise all the time, and me, I’m just stubborn. In terms of culture, we both liked spicy foods. But, seeing him connect with my family didn’t allow me to overthink my flaws or our differences.  

    When we finally got married and met all the legal requirements, I applied for a spousal visa. The deportation issue slowed it down, but in a year, I was able to join my husband. 

    4. “Seeing my wedding dress made everything seem so real”

    — Amina*, 25, married at 24

    At 24, I got married to my university sweetheart. My wedding was in late October 2021 and I’d been planning since April. I had a vivid picture of everything I wanted. So a month before my wedding, I was adding finishing touches, finalising plans with my event coordinator and making sure my husband was ready too. For the most part, I was on beast mode. I wanted perfection.

    The emotions about getting married happened to me at my dress fitting. I felt so beautiful. There were no fears or doubts. We’d been together for four years. I’d been excited but scared by the thought of making things official, becoming a wife, but wearing my dress made everything feel…real. 

    RELATED: 5 Things We Need To Normalise At Nigerian Weddings

    5. “I was scared of losing friends and overwhelmed with the thoughts of being an actual wife”

    — Chigozie*, 50, married at 20

    I wanted to get married right after secondary school. I was 18 then, but my parents kicked against it. I was their only girl, and they wanted me to get a university degree. In the 90s, that was a big deal for parents. So I decided to get into uni first. 

    During my second year of university, I got married. A month before the wedding, I was scared of how lonely I’d feel becoming a wife because I’d be the first out of my female friends to get married and things would change. Right after classes, I’d have to go back to my husband’s house. I wouldn’t be able to stay in the hostel and gist with my girlfriends. I’d be a wife.

    My parents were still strongly against getting married before obtaining my degree. It was until one month before my wedding that I understood why. And a few days to D-day, I cried. It was one thing to think about marriage in secondary school, and another thing to actually be getting married.

    6. “I was frustrated with my wedding location”

    — Bunmi*, 31, married at 30

    I got married after the lockdown in 2021. My parents and grandparents were paying for everything, so we had to settle for the location they picked — Kwara state, just because it’s my hometown. I spent the month before my wedding begging them to switch the venue to Lagos. They didn’t agree. I was mad because I knew my friends wouldn’t be able to attend. 

    Besides the location issue, I wasn’t overwhelmed about marriage. I’d known my husband for 10 years. My only concern was making sure we weren’t running into debt after the wedding. That’s where our families came in. Even my wedding dress was sponsored by my aunt. I didn’t have to stress myself financially. 

    My only regret is allowing my grandparents’ photographer to cover the wedding. The photos were blurry.

    7. “I was still processing my divorce a month before my second marriage”

    — Ose*, 51, first marriage at 27; second marriage at 43

    My first marriage was an abusive one. We weren’t officially married for the first five years of our union; we just lived together. When I was 27, we finally had a court wedding in the UK. Before that, I was too scared to leave the marriage. A month before the court wedding, I was living the same life I’d lived — scared and unhappy. 

    Seven years later, I found the courage to leave the marriage. I filed for a divorce and moved back to Nigeria. I met the man I’d marry seven years later who made me feel safe. I could have an opinion without being scared of getting hit. So a  month before our wedding, I felt free.  All that mattered was my future. 

    I’m still processing my previous divorce in the UK, but at least my life isn’t as scary.

    8. “I was overworked and stressed out”

    — Eniola, 24, married at 24

    I got married this year, in 2022 at 24. The whole thing was super was stressful, as we planned the entire thing in less than two months. Our parents had known each other for years, so everyone didn’t see the point of wasting time. I didn’t know where to begin but thank goodness for friends.

    My best friend is the reason I got through it. She’d pray with me, follow me to the market to shop for materials, and comfort me when I got overwhelmed. Without her, I’d probably have delayed the whole thing.

    Work also stressed me out. I was in between wedding plans and submitting briefs. The worst part was the search for an apartment in Lagos and the unnecessary questions people asked? I wanted to stick a fork in their eyes.

    ALSO READ: A First-Timers Guide To Attending Nigerian Weddings

    Ortega

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  • I Still Love Her But We Are Both Married Now

    I Still Love Her But We Are Both Married Now

    TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse. 

    Editor’s note: In 2014, Ezinne* met Esther* and they dated for about three years before Esther got married. In this As Told To, Ezinne talks about the relationship they had and how they are both married to other people now. 

    hands holding wedding ring

    When people can explain their childhood with one word, it’s always strange to me. My childhood was a potpourri. It was fun sometimes and boring at other times. But it was also painful. 

    I started growing breasts at 7. It was during this time one of my uncles started fingering me. I eventually told my mum about it and she confronted him, but I think that incident put a beacon on me that attracted abusers. As a child, I was pretty, and so everyone wanted me on their bridal train. I remember the grooms or the groomsmen at those weddings touching me inappropriately. I remember one groom asking me if I have ever seen a penis before. I was 8. I thought all of this was normal. It was as if older men couldn’t see me and leave me alone. 

    I knew I liked girls before all the abuse started. We had a neighbour who had a daughter I liked. Amaka* and I would go to our backyard to kiss and touch each other. It was the most pleasurable thing ever, but she and her family moved when I was 8. 

    I was admitted to an all-girls secondary school shortly after. I met other girls who liked girls there. I had a school mother who also doubled as my girlfriend. She would come to my house after school and during weekends to spend time with me. One Saturday, my mum caught us kissing. She didn’t say anything to me even after my girlfriend left. By the next Monday, I was enrolled at a mixed school. 

    It was at this school that I realised something was wrong with me. For one, a lot of my classmates didn’t know anything about sex. I was about 12 during this time. Whenever we were gisting and I shared my experiences about kissing, they looked shocked at how far I had gone. Most of my female friends had not seen a penis before. They always had questions for me. I was open to answering their questions, but I knew something wasn’t right. 

    Throughout secondary school, I stayed away from being with girls because of the incident at my former school, but in my first year at university, I met Tobi*. I met her through a friend. One day, Tobi invited me to her party, and we hung out. Towards the end of the party, we ended up in the bathroom and made out. I asked her in between kisses how she knew I liked girls, and she said I looked like I did. We dated for a few months, but we grew apart almost as fast as we started dating. 

    I met another girl shortly after. She was in my faculty, but in a different department. She loved to draw. I found her fascinating, but our romance was short-lived. In my second semester, I realised I had a crush on my roommate, Esther*. We had always been cordial and I didn’t want to ruin that, so I didn’t do anything about it till the second semester. 

    It started like play. We would call each other “my wife”. We started taking evening walks together and spending more time together after classes. One day, I told her I wanted to kiss her and she asked, “What is stopping you?” When I told her I liked her, she said she knew and was waiting for me to open my eyes. We dated for the rest of the time I was in university. 

    It was the best relationship I have ever been in. She was so sweet to me. We were very much in each other’s lives. We knew each other’s parents, siblings and extended family. We did everything together — bathing, eating, going to the movies, etc. The only thing we didn’t do together was school because we were in different departments. Our friends became mutuals, and they all knew we were dating. However, she had a boyfriend. 

    It wasn’t a big deal because I had a boyfriend when I started dating her too, but I wasn’t serious with him so we broke up early in my relationship with Esther. I didn’t mind her boyfriend either because he made our relationship less real. I loved her with every fibre of my being, but sometimes I would remember that the bible calls us sinners and I would panic. In those moments, I wouldn’t want to be with her anymore. 

    Before her, being with women was passive — I didn’t have to keep with the women I was intimate with and our relationships were short-lived, but with her, I was fully committed. In fact, I wanted to marry her.  At the time, to me, it meant coming out and living openly as a gay woman even though I am bisexual. I thought about my family, my faith, and felt overwhelmed.. 

    We were in our third year and still roommates when I broke up with her. I tried not to talk to her as often as I used to. I stopped spending time with her. Within a week, she started flirting with this stud. Omo, my chest started doing gbim gbim. I didn’t even know I was capable of jealousy. I would see them together, and it would be as if I had forgotten how to breathe. I didn’t know when I texted her. “Ejo, baby mi, please come back.” She teases me about it often. The other babe was heartbroken sha. She told Esther that she had been waiting for our break up so it was extra funny the day she walked in on me and Esther kissing. She said, “I knew it” and walked out of the room. 

    In our final year, her boyfriend proposed to her. I was excited for her. He made her happy and I loved seeing her happy. I think we spent more time together during this time than we ever had. We also had the most sex — in the kitchen, in hotels, in bathrooms. 

    On her wedding day, in her wedding dress, she looked so beautiful. For a few seconds, I wished she was getting married to me. I think I cried, but is it wild that I was also really happy for her? 

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    The first time we had sex after the wedding wasn’t planned. We hadn’t talked about whether or not we were indeed broken up as she was now married. We still hung out, and we were at the movies that day. I was holding her hand when she kissed my cheek. Next thing, we were kissing, and I was touching her breasts. The cinema was empty, so we had sex. I could see that she felt bad when we were going home, and I felt bad because her husband is also my friend. 

    Three months later, we had sex again. This time, we planned it. We were texting, and she said she missed me. I knew what she meant, so we picked a date and a venue. The sex that day was explosive, but we both felt guilty. We talked about it and decided it was best to end our relationship as sexual partners. She didn’t want to be that wife that cheated; I didn’t want anything that would make her feel bad about being with me. I cried so much that day.

    I met my husband shortly after. He is a sweet guy and he cares so much about me. The best thing is that he accepted me as I am. I told him everything about me — my sexuality, the abuse, my sexcapades. He was the first guy I told about my sexuality who wasn’t thinking about a threesome. He was exactly what I needed at the time. 

    He proposed to me six months after we started dating. I didn’t give him an answer because I wanted to be sure I wasn’t just saying yes. I have lived a wild life. Him? Not so much. He loves listening to my stories. He would laugh with me at the funny incidents and cry with me for the sad ones. 

    We got married shortly after. Esther was happy for me. She thinks he is a great guy and he likes her too, but I haven’t told him about her. Maybe because telling him puts a definite end to me and her. But at the same time, I know we are over as lovers. We still do video calls every other day. 

    What we felt for each other hasn’t evaporated. It’s there and we both know it, but we are living with our choices. 

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    Mariam Sule

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  • Why I’m Emotionally Cheating On My Husband

    Why I’m Emotionally Cheating On My Husband

    As told to Mariam

    In my first month at Zikoko, I put a call out for Nigerian women to tell me about their proposals. Cynthia* was one of the women that reached out to me. I thought it was interesting that she was a bisexual married woman, and I wanted to know how that worked so I asked a few more questions. Here’s what she told me: 

    I was ten when I first kissed a girl. She was a light-skinned girl like me and we lived in the same compound. She already had boobs, and it was fun to touch. When I was 13, I kissed a boy too, and I liked it. I didn’t put a name on my sexuality until I was 16. 

    I was doing my diploma in primary health care at the time. I met a lot of people and they taught me different things. There, I learned that I am bisexual. I learned about sex. I dated boys and girls throughout my university. Although I had to hide my relationships with women so no one reported us to the school authorities, I loved that I was able to express myself. 

    In 2015, I went to a friend’s wedding and I met Osi*. He was the groom’s best man. He was older than every other man I had dated and I found that sexy. He was easy to talk to, and he didn’t judge me. When I told him about my sexuality, he joked about the possibility of a threesome. We never got to it because we lived in different states. 

    After dating for about two years, he came with his dad to tell my dad that he was interested in getting married to me. I was 25. I told him he didn’t need to propose — he could just give me the darn ring and get it over with. He wanted it to be special. 

    In June 2016, we went for a weekend getaway. It was a lovely experience away from the Lagos noise. On the night before we returned, we were arguing when he tossed the ring box at me. I cried so much I didn’t hear the actual proposal. He was on one knee and all of that. I was just giddy. After I said yes, he asked if we could watch a movie. The television came on and it was videos of my family, friends and my colleagues saying congratulations to us. I emptied out my tear ducts that night.

    We got married in mid-2017. A few months into the marriage, I realised that my husband and I communicate differently. He could say A, I would say B and neither of us would comprehend what the other meant before making decisions. There was always an expectation that I would change my choices or plans to accommodate his own. We spent a lot of our time trying to prove we were right. By the time, I realised how far we’ve gone into our fights and tried to makeup, he would stop talking to me. 

    Marriage married woman

    He would ignore my questions and refuse to engage me on little things like how his day went. Eventually, I gave him space. The most frustrating thing for me was the lack of intimacy. He held back from sex and wouldn’t even touch me as punishment for whatever it is I did he wasn’t happy with. I was shocked when I found out I was pregnant but even that didn’t change his behaviour towards me. He continued treating me like I wasn’t living in the same house with him, carrying his child. 

    The pregnancy was a sensitive one so I spent most of the nine months either at my parents’ house or at the hospital. This only made us grow more distant. Things became worse after I gave birth to our daughter. We fought over everything. In a day, we would argue about three times and lose whatever progress we’d made.

    One time his mum came over. After spending a few days with us, she reported to him that I wasn’t sending her on errands. Osi was angry with me for not asking his mother for help, after all that’s why she was around. It didn’t make any sense to me to send a 70+ woman to boil my bathing water or make my food when I wasn’t paying her to work. He didn’t understand that I was respectful of her. We fought about it for months.

    I opened up to a friend and he encouraged me to open an anon account to express myself. So I created an Instagram account. I met another married woman with an anon account. We became friends — she encouraged me to open a Twitter account and I did. That’s how I met Isi*. I was immediately attracted to her. We would exchange messages for hours. Talking to her helped me see how bad my communication problem was. We met in person like a month after but we never had sex because the opportunity never came. What we had was more of an emotional connection than a sexual connection. 

    My husband became suspicious. Whenever I leave the room to talk to her, he would ask who I went to talk to. He always wanted to know who I was talking to and how I was talking to them. I would tell him I am talking to my friend and she wanted to talk privately. I could tell he knew there was more I wasn’t saying so I ended things with her. I went back to trying to make things work with him.  

    He was still distant, and I was tired of feeling alone in my marriage so I reported him to his sister. She and her husband decided to talk to him. I don’t know what they told him but he started to warm up to me again.  

    Before we got married, he was open to trying out new things with me. We were always playing with sex toys or trying to tick something off our sex bucket list but he changed after we got married. Sex became pretty much basic so I went back to my anon accounts. 

    This time, I resolved to keep it online. No physical contact — just sexts and nudes. Our daughter is going to be two in a few weeks, and I wonder if things between me and her father are ever going to change or if I made a big mistake marrying him. There is a lot of work to be done to make this marriage work but I don’t know how long I’m willing to commit to it. 

    QUIZ: What Kind Of Spouse Will You Be?

    Will you be romantic, unfaithful, reliable, detached or supportive? Take this quiz to find out.

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    Mariam Sule

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  • 6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

    6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

    For some women, marriage is a source of joy and I wanted to tell their stories too so I made a call for Nigerian women to share with me the best thing about being married. Here’s what six of them had to say. 

    Kikelomo, 25, married for four years 

    My husband and I talked about my career plans before we got married, and he has supported me through it since then. He works 15 hours a day so I can focus on going to school, and taking care of our child. I am almost done with school and should start working to relieve him of the financial burden but I have plans to go to medical school in a few years time. When I told him about it, all he said was, “Okay, we should start working on it”. He’s willing to work more hours so I can go to medical school again! 

    I love being married to him because he gets me and he’s a huge supporter. If I wasn’t married, I wouldn’t be able to achieve my career goals because I would want to focus on earning to take care of myself. What we have allows me to dream and plan my future. When I asked him why he’s so supportive and he said, “A lot of men are successful because their wife sacrificed something. If I have to sacrifice for you to be successful, I will always do it.”

    Deborah, 28, married for three years

    For me, it’s a lot of things. One of my favourites is when I get frustrated looking for something and he starts searching all the places I could have left it in. We have children and being married to their dad means that there’s someone who knew me before marriage, who knows me now and understands the difference. 

    Another thing is when I’m doing something and I see him out of the corner of my eye, shirtless. I’m like wow, I can’t believe I get to fuck that till I die. The icing on the cake is that my ass can never pass his front without him spanking me. 

    Dimma, 25, married for three months

    I have strong anti-patriarchal views and I love that he understands me. Sometimes, I wake up at 3 am to stare at him and think to myself “MAN! I won in this life o.” Having a partner whose life is positively intertwined with mine is God’s gift to me. He really is the one for me —  the tick to my tock!

    Ibinabo, 49, married for 13 years.

    I love that I have my best friend to share the good, bad and ugly parts of my life with. I especially love our silence the most.

    Samira, 52, married for 26 years 

    Being married for as long as I have been, I know that things can come to threaten the balance of a home but the love we have suppresses every other thing. I love that we support each other with parenting. He is the best thing that happened to me. 

    Jolie, 34, married for two years

    Honestly, the best thing for me is being warm at night. Knowing that when I am cold, there’s someone to hold. 

    For more women-centred content, click here

    Mariam Sule

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  • 6 Nigerian Wives Tell Their Cheating Stories

    6 Nigerian Wives Tell Their Cheating Stories

    Women are often overlooked in conversations about marital infidelity due to the misconception that they are less inclined to cheat on their spouses. I spoke to six married women who had engaged in relationships without their husbands’ knowledge, and they shared some intriguing stories of infidelity.

    Editorial note: This article was updated to include Chidinma’s entry which was omitted in error.

    Betty

    Before I got married, I discovered that my fiance was a liar and a cheat. The feeling I felt, omo, I swore never to let myself feel that way ever again. I went on to marry him less than a year ago. Sounds strange, but the discovery killed any true love I had for him, but I didn’t want to start over with someone who would end up breaking my trust again. With this clarity, I began to flirt with some guys. So far, all I’ve had is phone sex with one of them. I actually plan to have sex with this new guy next year lol. By then, I’ll have lost some weight so the unveiling will be bomb as fuck. As for my marriage, we go dey alright last last. My previous definition of love ended up being a major scam. I ain’t a sucker for love anymore. 

    P.S: my new guy is also married. I find they are the best ones to have an affair with because everybody has something to lose, so no long thing.

    Omotola

    I had been dating for seven years when I met Mr C, who made me feel like I meant the world to him. During this period, I had a feeling my husband (boyfriend at the time) was cheating, so I went through his BBM and sure enough, saw incriminating things. I capitalised and asked for a break to think about things, even though he denied cheating. At this juncture, I started sleeping with Mr C and I felt like I had met my soulmate. I was kinda juggling two men.

    I wanted to marry Mr C but I was forced into this marriage eight years ago. I was in such a bad place that, before the wedding, I decided that I would continue sleeping with Mr C. This continued for a year until my husband caught me. He was livid and felt like shit. I didn’t even know he had found out. It took him a while after he found out to bring it up with me. He had suspected I was up to something when I told him I was going to visit a friend for the weekend and followed me and found where I went to. Weirdly, he didn’t say anything the entire weekend even though we were chatting. He confronted me a few weeks later. Oh my, I was sure he was going to ask for a divorce but he didn’t.

    That episode really broke him. I know I broke him. He never saw me the same way again, and we had known each other for seven years before we married. After that, I stopped seeing Mr C for about a year but picked up again because, tbh the sex was amazeballs. I eventually called it quits about a year ago when I relocated.

    Oyin

    I’ve been married for five years. The affair started in a stupid way, really. My ex kept texting me, telling me he missed me. Me I won’t lie, I missed him too, even before he texted me, but I didn’t miss him enough to cheat. He had shown some interest in some properties I was looking to sell so I decided to meet up with him without telling my husband. We met a couple of times but we remained civil. He didn’t know I was married and I opted not to mention it at first, but I told him when we met up. People weren’t aware that I was married; we chose not to announce our legal wedding because it was for relocation purposes. It was a quick wedding, to be honest.

    After seeing a couple of times, the emotions became overwhelming. One day, we had sex. I felt really guilty about it but I couldn’t tell my husband the truth. We still needed to work together so it happened again. We used to meet up in the same house he lived when we were dating, which wasn’t a great idea at all. My husband eventually found out through my emails. I was quite absent from our home, so he felt a nudge to look through my emails and he found something incriminating. He was distraught, but he forgave me.

    I made up my mind to discipline myself when I saw the hurt I put my husband through. I never went close to my ex again because I set up an accountability structure with my husband and it hasn’t happened since. We even had to change churches because my ex was a member of our church. My husband suggested it to completely eliminate the possibility of running into him, although it’s a big church. Seeing as I had already put him through enough, I couldn’t object. I love him too much to put him through that kind of pain again. I can’t go close to my ex anymore. I have a soft spot for him so I can’t put myself in that position again. 

    Above all, I’m grateful for my husband. He’s always trying to protect my reputation and has never mentioned it to anyone. I love him to the moon because of this. Overcommunication was key to the healing process. Four years and one child later, we are happy.

    Laila

    I’ve been married since 2009 and I’ve never been faithful, even when I was on the dating scene. As a married woman, I feel unfulfilled. My husband is wonderful and sweet but he’s not an intellectual and I’m really attracted to intelligence in a man.

    I cheat and I’ve always cheated. I can’t admit this publicly but I’ve always found the idea of monogamy unattractive. If I married an adventurous person, maybe I wouldn’t cheat. My husband is stable and all but he’s boring and mundane.

    I currently have three boyfriends. I have sex constantly with the first one and almost no sex at home. The second is a friend-with-benefits but he lives in a different part of Nigeria. As for the third, I love him. He’s married too but I think he’s my soulmate. He’s intellectual and sexually adventurous. Of course, I still cheat on him from time to time, especially when he’s busy with work or family but I feel he’s the only one who gets me. I wish I could be with him in a socially-acceptable way.

    Moremi

    I’m married with kids and my husband and I love each other but I don’t feel like he listens or hears me. He doesn’t spend time with me and I’ve spent years complaining about this. He changes for a few weeks and then reverts to normal. So I needed someone to talk to.

    Roi and I started out just talking a few hours every day on life issues, on everything and anything. Now we’ve caught feelings, even though he’s married too. We reconnected a year ago and we’ve seen each other a few times since then. We have very magnetic chemistry. It has taken the grace of God not to have sex for this long, but that grace is no longer sufficient.

    He is mindful of me, pays attention and listens to me. He knows me well; he hears what I’m thinking and feeling. We spend endless hours on the phone each week. Because we grew up in the same neighbourhood and he’s a childhood friend, he’s known me all my life. We never dated. He had a crush on me when we were teenagers but he never asked me out. 

     I feel alive and loved. I feel beautiful. If you ask me, this affair has been great for my marriage. I’ve had more sex with my husband since I reconnected with Roi. Since the desirable is not available, I’ve been initiating sex  more. Once I’ve spoken to him for hours, he leaves me with such a warm feeling that everyone who annoys me gets a pass, including my husband, so less fights. We talk about everything, even things we can never tell our spouses. He’s very mature, helpful with my work, kids and even helps settle issues I have with my husband. 

    If someone told me that I’d ever be in this situation, I’d say never. Neither of us intends to leave our marriages but we intend to be in each other’s lives for the rest of our lives. The affair is currently purely emotional because we are in different countries.  It helps that we are in different countries, else we would have been caught. It’s sweet but heartbreaking at the same time, not being with someone you love. Also confusing because we both love our spouses, just not the same way we love each other. I’ve been married for 11 years and him, for 15.

    We’ve been fighting the sexual attraction for over a year. We’ve both admitted that we’ve failed. It’s only COVID that’s keeping us apart. I’ll be shocked if we survive another physical date without sex. I am unashamedly looking forward to it and I won’t feel guilty. I’ve decided that I deserve to be happy. We worry about getting caught though. It’s easier to forgive a cheating spouse when it’s just sex. It’ll be difficult for our spouses to find out we share such a bond and connection outside of them.

    Chidinma

    I got married six years ago and I’ve had two affairs. I met my lover at the bank where I worked back then. I really liked him and I think he liked me too but I never told him I was married. We just connected so well and he was so much fun. I didn’t really have any reason to cheat, I was just bored and I regretted marrying early at 23. 

    He later found out I was married. I felt bad because he didn’t find out from me. There were many times I wanted to tell him I was married, but I was afraid of what he’d think of me. When he asked why I didn’t tell him about my marriage, I had no real reason.  I actually didn’t want him to think of me as a bad girl. We met a few times and we had sex for the last time and never met again. I actually love him and I’m trying really hard to forget him. The last time we spoke, he said “I trusted you.” That broke me. I don’t regret cheating with him. As a matter of fact, if I had met him earlier, I would have married him. He even asked if I was willling but I laughed it off.

    The second affair was an ex from the university. This guy made me feel I was unfair to him because while we dated in the university, we never had sex. So I thought “Why not give ourselves closure?” So we had sex once and that was it. This guy really guilt-tripped me into feeling terrible about the past. I did it for closure. I’ve realised it’s not my business what he thinks about me. Whatever it is, let him take it up with Jesus. I’m not the cause of the problems in his life.

    He wanted to make it a constant thing but I shut him out. You know what they say about men; give them a rope and they would skip. Sleeping with him was just a really stupid thing to do. To me, it never happened. If I ever see him in public, I am so going to deny knowing him. I hope he responds with the same energy too, so that he can save himself from embarrassment..

    I currently have no extramarital affair now and I do not plan to have any in the future. It’s stressful; I can only keep up with so many lies and hiding. Also, I have two kids and can’t continue cheating. I regret cheating on my husband. If he finds out, I don’t know what he’s capable of. He says he loves me, but I don’t think so. I think he just married me because he had to get married as he is nine years older than me. I realised this much later. But then, nothing justifies cheating.

    Read: 8 Nigerian Married Men Discuss Cheating On Their Wives

    QUIZ: How Often Do You Cheat In Relationships?

    Don’t ask how we know. Just take the quiz.

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    Olufemi Fadahunsi

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