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Have you ever been in a situation where you’re out having a good time and some random person just asks if you’re married (even though they most likely already know the answer)? If you’ve ever been in this situation and didn’t know how to fire back, here are some responses you can go with next time that will make the nosy person’s head spin.
And?
Ask them what that has to do with anything. So you’re married, and so bloody what? Is it a union or a prison? Remind them that it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s just a certificate and a ring.
Just a little bit
How can anyone blame you for cheating when you’re just a little bit married? Basically, you have just one leg in the marriage, and are free to wander and philander around Lagos with the other leg.. If they ask what it means to be a little bit married, tell them to take your answer like that and redirect their focus to the love you have for them.
What exactly do you mean by “married”?
Turn the tables around and interrogate the person. What exactly do they mean by “married”? And yes, it’s a compulsory exam question worth 20 marks. There are many ways to go around a marriage. This is the time to be smart and find that loophole.
Marriage? What does that even mean?
It’s time for you to act like your brain is empty. Marriage? What a foreign concept! All you know is that you’re single and ready to mingle. Anyone that claims to be married to you is obviously delusional.
[newsletter]
Are any of us truly married?
Very important question. Who created these laws of marriage in the first place? Were Adam and Eve married? No. It’s high time we all learned to live on vibes and vibes alone.
But I’m here
Remind them that despite your alleged partner, you are here with them,professing your love, and that’s all that matters. Every other thing is noise. What else do they even want from you? If this isn’t true love, we don’t know what else it could be.
Is it your business?
Anybody who asks about your marital status in public clearly doesn’t mean you well. They were probably sent by your village people to embarrass you. It’s only right that you tear your singlet and fight because they clearly want violence.
Abeg X3
Why are they boxing you in? That’s very disrespectful. It’s time for you to shut down naysayers challenging the validity of your single-hood. Saying you’re married is like an attack and you have to dismiss these accusations to avoid further embarrassment.
Married men cheat and swear it is the devil. In this article, seven Nigerian women talk about what it’s like to date married men.
Kay, 26
The first married man I dated lied about his marital status. I found out when we broke up. He was quite controlling, so I had to end the relationship.
The next one I dated also lied about his marital status. He was in Abuja for a job. During the seven months he spent there, I fell in love with him. He was good with me, but not in bed. He didn’t last long. When it was time for him to go back, I told him that I had fallen for him and this guy said he was married. I had asked him before if he was married but he said no. This one even had a child. I was so pissed and that’s how that relationship ended.
I was fully aware that the next one I dated was married. We dated for about three weeks. He was insecure, and he didn’t know how to fuck either. I wasn’t talking to anyone else when I was with him, but he didn’t trust me. He was always asking where I was or who I was with.
One day, he called me nine times and I missed his calls because I was asleep. When I picked up, he called me a liar, a cheat and all sorts of names. I changed it for him and ended it there. He was quite generous though. We didn’t date long enough for me so I didn’t get a large sum of money from him. I am currently seeing another married man but we haven’t had sex yet. He always calls to check on me. Maybe this one might be a long-term relationship.
Jumoke, 26
I have dated a married man. He was in his 40s and rich. He used to buy me lunch every now and then. It felt like someone saw and appreciated me. We had unspoken rules — I could never ask him questions about his family or question him when he didn’t call or text me. I understand that I was just supposed to enjoy my time with him and move on. I think people should save the energy they use to fight side chicks for the men that are actually cheating in the relationship. I would date another married man if he is rich.
Leticia, 22
In 2018, I went to visit my cousin. We went clubbing on the evening I arrived. My cousin is in his 30s and married so I assumed all his friends were. There was this one of his friends, Chris* that was vibing with me. We exchanged numbers and got talking. I asked him if he was married and he said no. He claimed that he was not looking for anything serious but he is open to being in a relationship.
Every time my cousin and I went out for drinks, he came along. We never went out on our own. Once in a while, he would tell me he had to go to another city for work. This happened three times and I became suspicious but I didn’t pay it any mind. Our relationship went on for about four months. One time he invited me over. He said we could go watch a movie then later go to his house but I had a bad feeling about it, so I cancelled.
Married men have mastered the act of wooing women. The way they talk to you, the way they offer care and genuinely listen. It’s like everything you’ve been looking for. There was this sense of security I had around him. Things were going so well.
One time, my sister called me and she told me that she was at my cousin’s place and my cousin said Chris has a wife. She said he said it in passing — as a part of a different conversation. I was so shocked. I was hurt that my cousin never told me and he knew what was going on. I couldn’t concentrate anymore. I went back home. I deleted his number and blocked him everywhere.
This year, at my cousin’s birthday party, he showed up. This is the first time I’ve seen him since I ghosted him. He said hi and I tried to stay indifferent but gin and red wine are devils. I think I told him that I really liked him but he fucked up. God, I was so mad. He was like let’s go and talk on the balcony. The next thing I realised was that we were making out. He said he was getting a divorce. I felt the flame rekindled. We tried to talk out but I didn’t want to date him anymore. I blocked him and went back to my life. I am over the whole thing now.
Bisola, 23
In 2016, I met this guy who lived around my house. He looked young and cute. I don’t remember how we started talking but he asked me out. I was worried because he was newly married with a newborn. He swore that the marriage is a sham and he doesn’t love his wife, but he loves me. I knew it was a lie. He would stop by my house before going home to his wife. It was the fact that he bad mouthed his wife to me that annoyed me the most. I didn’t like that I knew who his wife was. Plus it’s not like he was even rich. The money he was supposed to be taking home, he was spending it on me who wants nothing to do with him.
After a while of talking, I told him I needed a new phone and he asked me to meet him at a hotel. That’s how I ghosted him. I just cut off everything for my own peace of mind. Dating a married man is a bad idea. Honestly, I don’t want to have anything to do with them again except he’s way older and richer.
Osas, 21
There was this time I was broke and the devil sent me a married man. I thought this man was going to be my saviour because he spoke a lot about how he was going to take care of me — send me to Dubai, buy me stuff, take me out on my birthday, etc. The only tangible money I got from this man was ₦5000 for my birthday cake after he promised me heaven and earth.
Anytime I billed him, he wouldn’t talk to me for days until I called to tell him we could have sex. We had sex multiple times and all I got was transport fare. There was this time I yabbed him and called him a broke ass. He made himself the victim, and I had to apologise. felt bad for his wife because he took me to their house and we had sex on their matrimony bed. I ended it after a while and yes, I will do it again if I’m sure there’s money involved.
Farida, 31
He reached out to me through a mutual friend who warned him not to get involved with me. But he still did. He always wanted to prove that he was new school, and he was. He was also fun. Whenever he got me food, he’d buy enough for everyone at home. When we went out, he’d make sure he got takeaway for the people in my house. Single men rarely think like that.
He spoke about his wife respectfully, but I didn’t like that he sometimes complained about their issues and gave me details about their sex life. I told him this. He wanted marriage. I ended things for other reasons.
Titi, 21
I met this guy last year. He said his wife and two children were not in Nigeria. I was a broke Abuja girl at the time, so dating him was about the money. He wanted sex and I thought I could use him to finance my lifestyle but that was a huge mistake.
The first and only time I had sex with him, he sent me 10k and started giving me excuses every time we were supposed to meet. He’d call me by 9 p.m., asking me to meet with him knowing fully well I can’t go out at night. It was like he was always flaunting his money but he never actually gave me anything. It was a waste of sin, to be very honest.
A few months ago, I was on a group where people were talking about how the culture of kneeling to ask for a woman’s hand in marriage was very new in Nigeria. The first thing that came to my mind was, “I wonder how my dad asked my mum to marry him?”
I picked up my phone and asked him, and after he told me his story, I decided to to ask other older men how they asked their wives to marry them.
1. Fatai
I was in my early 30’s when I met my wife. For some reason, I couldn’t approach her, so I told my friend to tell her older sister about me. One day, her older sister called me and asked me what I wanted with her sister, and I said we were just friends. I couldn’t admit that I liked her, I hadn’t even spoken with her.
After some time, I started writing letters. From time to time, I’d pass by her house, just to see her. We’d say hi, and I’d leave. Whenever my friends passed around her house and saw her, they’d find a way to send me the information and I’d in turn find my way there.
After some time, I told my own older sister about her, and she somehow found a way to tell my wife’s older sister, who went, “Aha, I knew you liked my sister!”
Her sister told her father, but he said she couldn’t get married to me because she had to finish her education. Shortly after, she dropped out and said she wanted to do business. Her father was so angry. He blamed me for making her drop out. and then strengthened his stance that I wouldn’t marry her.
After some time, my sister found another person to beg her mother. Her mother was more receptive and begged her father to let her marry me. They did all the ìwádìí (Finding out about my family, and my lineage) and met my family and then agreed that she could marry me.
It was at this point that we started talking.
2. Adesanya
I met my wife in fellowship. We were in the drama unit and in the choir together. We weren’t particularly friends or anything. I had the same relationship with her that I had with everyone in the fellowship. When I was ready to get married, I prayed to God to show me who my wife is, and he told me it was her. I heard him clearly, I was sure it was going to be her. So I walked up to her and told her, “Hi, I love you and I want to marry you.” It took her three months to get back to me, but when she did, her answer was yes.
We didn’t get married until after a while though. Her father didn’t want her to marry me because I wasn’t from their village. It took him five years to finally say I could marry her.
3. Solomon
My father died when I was a baby, so my mother was all I had. When I got older, she told me that she wanted to find a wife for me from her village and because I loved her, I agreed.
The first woman she brought for me to marry secretly begged me to call off the marriage because she was already in love with another man, so I gave some flimsy excuse and called it off. My younger brother insisted that I couldn’t marry the second one because he was already dating her sister. My uncle said I couldn’t date the third one. He didn’t have any reason, he just said no. I didn’t like the fourth one.
At that point, I decided to find a wife for myself. I was praying a lot about the type of woman I wanted to marry but I realised that even I wasn’t perfect, so I decided to spend one year making myself better, instead of looking for a wife.
I’d always seen myself marrying a hardworking woman. I love hardworking women. I was at work one day when a beautiful young woman came looking for a job. She was 19. My God, she was so beautiful. The only opening we had was for a cleaner, and we offered her the job. She took it and did it so, so well. Funny thing, she was a graduate.
Shortly after she started working there, I realised I’d fallen in love with her, so I found out if she was a Christian or not. She was, but she didn’t go to church often so I started taking her to church. When she became very active in church, I knew she was ready, so I walked up to her one day and said, “I don’t want to date you, I want to marry you.”
We’ve built a good life together. She’s the best decision I’ve ever made in my life.
4. James
I got back from Italy in 1984. My plan was to stay in Nigeria for a short time before I moved to England, but I met my wife at a car park as my friend and I drove from Lagos to Ondo. I told my friend to slow down, and I approached her. Luckily, she was also going to Ondo. Her village and mine were very close.
We got talking on the trip and even though I dropped her off at her village, I was there again the next day to meet her parents and tell them that I liked her. The next year we had out traditional wedding and moved to London together.
A few years later, we had our normal wedding in London. Our children were there.
5. Adeyemi
I was sleeping at a Christmas party in the early 1980’s when someone woke me up to tell me that the babes were around. The first person I saw when I opened my eyes was my wife. She was so beautiful. I asked her to dance with me, and when Gary Moore’s “Falling in Love” came on, I started pointing at her as the I sang the song.
In the next few weeks, I would go to her hostel from time to time to see her. Her friends loved me, so they made it easy for her to like me back. After I got back to Zaria for school, I started sending endless letters to her. She sent some too.
When I got back to Lagos, I told her I wanted her to meet my parents and she agreed. I was scared because my parents had rejected the first woman I brought because she was Ijebu. My father pretty much interrogated her, and after some time, he accepted her.
When I was in my third year in university, she got pregnant, and we just decided to get married then.
Traditionally, marriage is designed to be a life-long commitment between two people. Sometimes, people go against the norm and seek emotional and sexual solace with people other than their spouses. I spoke to seven married men about cheating on their wives, why they do it and what the future of their marriages look like.
Ben
Well, yeah, I had an affair. It was only natural. I never wanted to marry my wife. I was forced by both my family and hers. She also wanted to be married at all costs. I told her from the start that I didn’t love her and I didn’t want to end up being a divorcee but she believed that it’ll still work out. It still hasn’t.
I’m not going to let my wife stop me from being with the love of my life. My family prevented us from getting married. That’s a whole other story. My wife knows I’m having an affair and honestly, I don’t care.
Ifeanyi
I’ve been married for five years. I started having an affair in 2018. Some time ago, my marriage wasn’t doing well. One night, I went out for drinks with my friends and met her. We chatted for a bit and met up for drinks. Not too plenty sef. Maybe 10 times. She knew I had a wife. We had sex a couple of times but there wasn’t anything serious between us. At the time, I just needed it to get my mind off the trouble at home.
Eventually, na Whatsapp cast me. My wife read our chat but didn’t say anything about it for several months until, one day, we were having a great time and I joked about how lucky she is to have a good guy like me. She went ballistics. She flipped big time. I’d never seen her so angry. She kept trying to video call the girl so we could have a “family conversation.” Luckily, the girl wasn’t with her phone.
I slept in a hotel for three nights. I just kept apologizing and begging. Eventually, she said we were cool and that I was forgiven. But she kept threatening me almost daily, saying she would deal with me physically and spiritually if she ever catches me messing up again. That’s how I ran away from her o. We’re separated now.
Uno
I’ve been married for three years. I started cheating on my wife with my boss last month. There’s no reason why I do it. I guess I’m just an asshole. I didn’t go out looking to cheat. My boss asked me to kiss her one night after drinks and that’s how we started. It’s been on for a month now and the sex is amazing but I’m not sure how to stop it now.
Olujay
I feel terrible about it, but I’m using this as an outlet for the guilt that has been eating me up. I’ve been seeing my side chick for five years. I lied to her that I was in an unhappy marriage and made her believe I was with her for the right reasons. Eventually, she found out I wasn’t being honest and she’s seeing a therapist because of me! I didn’t mean for it to happen but it is what it is, right?
Akpan
I’ve been married for five years. In that time, I’ve had four mistresses. These aren’t flings. They’re more like women who are aware I’m married and I’m partly committed too.
My oldest mistress is a married woman. We’ve been dating since before I met my wife. She’s even friends with my wife, making it a lot harder for my wife to suspect anything. Another mistress is a single mum. We’ve had really strong chemistry from the first day we met and we never had sex until three years after. In a way, she was a sort of conquest for me, being a woman with strong Christian values. The other two are just young babes looking for sugar and daddy in the same person. I’m a sweet man, so I play the role well.
The truth, as cliche as it sounds, is that it’s just the sex for me, nothing else. I like the rush of the conquest; knowing that I can be with any woman gives me an ego boost. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. She literally gets the best of everything, even the sex. But whew, IT IS an expensive habit. I spend millions every year on this vice. I rented an apartment for one of them, set up a business for another, and sent another one to Dubai. The gifts are endless. The bills? Just insane. I make a million naira monthly which, quite honestly, would be more than enough, if not for my mistresses. My wife doesn’t really know how much I earn so it’s easy to get away with.
Do I regret it? Not yet. There are times I’m afraid I’ll regret it all in the future, but right now? I love it. I’ll definitely put an end to it when I go to Mecca and become an Alhaji. Maybe then, I’ll take a second wife. I’ve been having a rethink recently, so I ended things with two of them now. Maybe I’ll end one other one, leaving me with my first mistress. She’s a special woman. We weren’t just destined to get married.
If my wife cheats on me, I honestly have no idea what I’d do. But I’m 100% certain that it won’t be the end of our marriage. She’s more than a pretty face so I’m sure we can come to an arrangement.
Let me not lie, I’ve been married for four years and I’ve had two mistresses. The first was two years ago. She booked us tickets to the 2018 World Cup in Russia and said she wanted to marry me, despite knowing I was married. I sharply ran away. I go watch the World Cup for television abeg. Then she got mad and called my wife when I broke it off. I saw terrible things. Wahala scatter everywhere. She was determined to leave. I wish I could quantify the begging that I did but she eventually forgave me.
And then the next one came. We met at a house party. It was nothing sexual at first; we just had good chemistry and talked like normal friends. Later, I found out that she lived only a few streets away from me. Next thing, I was going there to chill. Then sex entered the equation.
She eventually moved away from Surulere. A few months later, I also moved away and boom, I found out she was only a few streets away too. We continued again. The last time we had sex, she has said she wanted wine. I said, let me just drop wine for her, as per good friend. When I got there, she opened the wine and we began to drink and watch Netflix. Next thing, we were tipsy and she was begging me to stay some more. That’s how we started and I found out she already shaved, meaning she had planned it all. On my way home, I blocked her. It’s like these women reserve their best sex for married men because what the hell? She wanted to ruin my life.
In this Lagos, even if you don’t chase them, they will chase you, as long as you’re married. One day, I woke up and met a Whatsapp message that read “When are you giving me this penis?” And this is someone I’ve never seen before. We married men sef ya weyrey. Only God can save us.
Soji
There’s this girl in my office. I met her while I was dating my wife. I was flirting with her but she always posted me, so I gave her space. The moment I got married, she started giving green light. She says this way, there won’t be any attachment. Wetin man go do? We’ve only had sex twice but I feel guilty most time.
I’ve also found out that she’s quite jealous and doesn’t want me getting too close to any other woman in the office. Her sister also wants to sleep with me but that’s a story for another day. I’m not sure I want to; that’s a line I’m not willing to cross.
I think by now we all know Nigerian men are mostly quite crafty, especially when it comes to relationships and women.
You’d think it would be just the single men, but the married men are outchea wilding as well.
It’s like they truly believe these are the last days of seven women to one man, even though there are more men in the world now.
The greedy men don’t care about their single brothers. No o. They just want to chop dey go and kobalize somebody’s daughter.
Shey, it would even be easier to spot who is who, but these married men have now decided to be removing their rings.
After many shattered hearts and dreams, Nigerian women have had to master their ways. Sholo stupid ni.
We’ve figured out a way to help you single ladies recognize when a married man is moving to you, even when he’s not wearing his wedding ring.
The jig is up.
When you go his house and you notice that it’s suspiciously bare, my dear flee, that man is married.
No personal effects, no pictures lying around. House looking like someone took their time to make sure that nothing could be traced. Hmm…
If he has been married long enough whether he puts on his ring or not, you’ll notice a patch of lighter skin around his ring finger.
Make sure you look out for it, he can hide his ring but he can’t hide his marriage.
Sometimes he might even just move the wedding ring to another finger and claim it’s just a random ring.
Don’t be deceived, that’s his wedding ring.
You’ll notice that he’s slightly balding, slightly pot-bellied and looks suspiciously close to your father’s age but he’ll still try to convince you that he’s not married.
My dear don’t listen to him, pick up your bag and run away. That daddy is a married man with four children and one of them might even be your age.
You’ll also notice that he really doesn’t like coming out in the daytime.
Na so so night waka in hidden places. He doesn’t want his wife’s family and friends to catch you people together.
When you ask him if he’s married and he’s too quick to say no, my dear that man has already taken someone else to the altar.
Before you even say ‘mar…’, he’ll have said: “Me ke, never o, I’m still searching for the right woman, maybe it’s you”.
You’ll notice signs of a female presence in his house that’s always conveniently a sister or a cousin but you’ll never meet said sister or cousin.
His wife is in the overseas for summer and he’s only using you as summer bae.
For some reason he has refused to invite you over to his house.
You’ve also noticed that he can only leave his house at certain times. Anything past 9 and he starts panicking about how he has to go home as if he has a curfew.
Finally, the easiest thing to do is look him up on the internet.
Even if he has covered his tracks, his wife and children haven’t. You are bound to find someone’s facebook page.
My sisters, if you have any other tips for us, please share o! Before we go and enter one chance. Tweet us @zikokomag!
