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Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Chika, 30, and Esther, 28, started off as platonic friends. Nine years into their friendship, Esther realised she had fallen in love, but Chika hadn’t. Today on Love Life, they discuss moving from friends to best friends, and now a married couple who are “joined at the hip”.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Esther: That would be at a send forth for a church member. I’m pretty sure we met before then, but nobody seems to remember. If I’m not mistaken, I was 16 and Chika was probably 18 or 19.
Chika: It was at a send forth organised for a church member who was about to japa. I can’t remember a specific date, but I know it wasn’t the first time I was seeing her. I’d met her before then, but at that send-forth, we danced and it sparked something.
Esther: It did not spark anything jor. You were just one of the fine boys in the neighbouring congregations. Nothing serious, at least for me.
I noticed him in the church, we danced together, and somehow we became friends. I wasn’t interested in anything else. I was too busy crushing on the brother of the lady whose send forth we were there for.
LMAO. How did things progress?
Chika: We became friends. We didn’t live too far apart, so I would visit her. I think she visited once, while I was in my mom’s shop helping her sell. But I did most of the visiting. We were young — I can’t remember how old — so it was all very platonic.
Esther: A lot of our meetings happened at the shop. It was at his mum’s shop that he introduced me to poetry. I remember that day. He said, “Let me show you something I wrote.”
I fell in love with his poetry.
His poetry and not him?
Esther: LMAO no, not him. He was still just my very cute best friend.
Chika: And I still saw her as a friend too. But I guess I must have been crushing on her slightly because while her house was close, it wasn’t that close. To make the journey as frequently as I did in those days, there must have been something more than friendship driving me.
Esther: Oh yes, my house wasn’t close at all.
Chika: I think I also had a love interest in those days, so Esther wasn’t in the picture in terms of romance.
Esther: Oh you definitely had a love interest. And you were always talking about her.
He even said we had to meet.
Well, you also said you had a crush on someone else…
Esther: LMAO actually I had even moved from my crush on the brother of the person being sent forth. In fact, I think I was moving from one crush to another. We were teenagers, so that explains a lot.
So when did you two become aware that you had feelings for each other?
Chika: 9 years later.
Esther: 9 years for me, a bit later for him.
Chika: SMH. Oya 9 years and 6 months for me.
How did that happen?
Esther: Well, I was the first to realise I was in love and I didn’t waste any time letting him know how I felt. I mean, I had always loved him as a friend, and now I had fallen in love with him. It seemed so perfect and so I wanted more. But Oga wasn’t there yet and kept saying he probably wasn’t going to get there because he didn’t want to ruin our friendship.
Chika: I have no comments.
Is this code for “there was someone else in the picture”?
Esther: *coughs*
Chika: LMAO okay, okay. I had just gotten out of a relationship. Also, I didn’t think I was relationship material and I wasn’t ready to lose my best friend in the process of trying.
Did I mention that we were living together at this point?
Sorry?
Chika: Yes. She had just finished NYSC. By then, we had moved from friends to best friends and we dated other people.
But we always kept in touch. Phone calls, messages, and we also tried to see each other when we could. It was rare though, and it required deliberate effort. You know, being in different universities and all of that.
Esther: He was the first person I would see whenever I entered Lagos. Even before seeing anybody else.
Chika: As per bestie. Then after youth service, she came back to Lagos and would visit often. But then she got a job on the island. I lived close to the job location, so we ended up staying together.
Tell me, Esther, how did you feel staying in the same apartment with someone you had feelings for but who didn’t feel the same about you?
Esther: It was tough, especially because he was extra kind to me and I just couldn’t see us not being together. He would call me all day at work and we would chat in between. Though he wouldn’t admit this, he checked up on me more than he ordinarily. And then when I pointed out that his behaviour towards me was different, in a good way, he’d say that it wasn’t as a result of feelings.
That pissed me off a lot. And then there was the phase where he wasn’t exactly over his ex. So she would come around and I’d have to leave. It was so annoying.
Chika: In my defense, I wasn’t sure and I wanted to be sure. We were living together and I knew it was inevitable, but I was also scared of it not being a conscious choice.
So when did you become sure?
Chika: I travelled to Kaduna for a festival, and it struck me how much sleeping on a bed she wasn’t in was not something I wanted to do. So I came back and asked her to be my girlfriend.
I told her what I had come to realise during my trip and that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. She felt it was too much of a roundabout turn and was asking questions like what changed? I tried to answer. She said she would think about it.
Esther: I’d just decided that I’d roll with his lack of feelings until he was ready and if I could move on, I would.
And then all of a sudden, this uncle comes back from Kaduna and starts saying nonsense about how he can’t live without me.
Chika: After I told her, her response was that she would think about it. She thought about it for all of 30 minutes.
Esther: Well there wasn’t much to think about. My feelings were pretty clear from the onset. You were the confused one. Although a part of me felt like torturing him a bit. Just saying no for the fun of it and making him sweat small. But of course, the whole torture lasted just 30 minutes.
In our next lives, I will show him pepper.
Ah, small small plis.
Chika: After that, it was smooth sailing. I think a part of me knew the girlfriend part was just to go through the proper route. That this was the person I wanted to marry. I can’t say “spend the rest of my life with”, because even without marriage, we are joined at the hip forever. So yeah, we dated, and six or seven months later, we decided to get married.
We got a hotel next to the Ikoyi registry. It almost felt like we were over-prepared for the wedding and the marriage. I had never been surer of anything in my life. I just felt lucky to be marrying my best friend.
Esther: We had two weddings: court and traditional, but the court wedding was it for me. Maybe because it was everything we wanted. No family intervention, no religion involved. And then there was the photoshoot after, it was amazing. Chika looked absolutely handsome. I was smitten.
Aww. How has married life been?
Chika: It’s very hard to explain, but e sweet die. For me, I like the fact the ordinary things of life become more enjoyable when I do them with her. Seeing a movie, eating food, lying down, gisting about the day, gossiping about people — everything just takes on a new colour with her.
Oh and we are also forming our own traditions: shawarma night, movie night, anniversaries, birthdays. A collection of small holidays designed specially for us and by us.
Esther:Married life has been beautiful. There’s something about waking up every day next to the love of your life and knowing that you get to do life with them and that you have a long time to experience life together. That’s a special kind of beautiful, and I am so glad to live in it.
What’s the best part about being married to each other?
Chika: Just knowing that I am home with my person. That’s the best part of it for me.
Esther: Honestly? I don’t know what the best part is. There are too many parts that feel like the best. Just when I think I have unlocked one layer, there is another layer waiting to be discovered and enjoyed.
Being with Chika is like being with another version of myself. We’re different, yet so alike in many ways. We have the same ideologies. We’re both somewhat introverted, so on a good day we’ll pick staying indoors and seeing a movie over going out. I’m not a very social person, so just having Chika around to do everything with is great.
What do you love most about each other?
Chika: For me, it’s her kindness, genuineness, and how she cares for me. I am certain of how she feels, and that certainty is like an anchor.
Esther: His heart. Chika is so kind to me. He regularly checks up on me, and on days when I’m extremely busy at work, he makes me breakfast, lunch, and dinner and serves me at my table. During exams, he buys me snacks that I can chew on when reading, chases the cats away so they don’t disturb me, and this support goes a long way to make the studying process easier. He pays attention to my mood too and shows up with ice cream when I’m sad. It’s little, but it goes a long way.
And this kindness is not restricted to me alone. Chika goes out of his way to help people. He’s always willing to help ease whatever is bothering my friends; when he is with his friends, I watch him and I am awed by how he always comes through for them. Daily, I am astonished by how easily kindness comes to him. I’m usually amazed because I’m not sure I can be that kind. Honestly. I am always ready to tear shirt oh, don’t mind him.
Are there things you don’t like about each other?
Chika: She likes saying I told you so.
Esther: LMAO but I am always right, and you don’t listen.
Chika: If my wife tells you something and you don’t do it and it now happens as she said it, she will not leave it oh.
Esther: But it almost always happens as I say it, no?
Chika: Anyway, I think our arguments and fights always lead to a deeper understanding for me.
Esther: See ehn, I think I’d like him to listen more. Chika get coconut head. E no dey hear word. But to tell the truth, even when he’s being a goat, my mind still tells me, “But you love this goat.”
Do you have any approach to de-escalating arguments and fights?
Chika: In the early days, I would get angry and throw words meant to hurt. But she has taught me that we are not fighting each other or we shouldn’t be. So these days, I focus on listening to her when disagreements occur and focus on mending things. I have also learned to listen and change even when I don’t agree immediately. I have had to learn this from her.
Esther: I also used to throw words too and would flare up easily, but I’ve had to learn to take a breather and then come back to discuss the issue when I’m calm. Another thing I’ve learned is to not expect immediate change. Before, I used to expect that he’d just conform to whatever I said, but now I have# learned to give it time and look out for the greys because change isn’t always from black to white. I look out for the little ways that he’s trying to improve and focus on that.
How would you rate the relationship?
Chika: Sweet die.
Esther: Ugh, this man. I don’t think we’re on the scale though LMAO. Over time, we have learned that we can’t rate our relationship. We can only rate moments. And right now I’d say we’re operating at a 10.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
Love Lifeis a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Audio: We Were Made For Each Other
Uwem, 33, and Blessing, 27, have been together since 2010. For today’s Love Life, they talk about transitioning from being close friends to lovers and eventually getting married.
What is your earliest memory of each other?
Blessing: Well, Uwem was annoying when we first met.
Uwem: Geez!
Blessing: Oya, tell me what you remember.
Uwem: The first time I saw her, we were at rehearsals. We were in the same dance group at Covenant University. You know Covenant University has many rules and breaking any of them is trouble. In our dance group, there was this gist of a girl that reported an issue that got another lady punished. I took the person’s side, because obviously, I had not met Blessing.
Blessing: Can you stop telling this story like this? I did not snitch.
Uwem: People were talking about it, and I wanted to know who they were talking about. Someone pointed her out to me as the person. That was my first memory of her, but then her ex introduced her to me because we used to be in the same dance group. I used to be everyone’s daddy — someone people felt comfortable talking to about anything. That’s what I remember.
Blessing: Hewasn’t my school daddy for the record. He was just a daddy to everybody. Let me explain that story to you. I was the floor rep which means I had to monitor the activities of people living on my floor. The lady was on my floor, and she broke one of the rules. Her roommate reported her to the school authorities, but somehow I got accused because I was the floor rep. The whole thing was weird because the girl and I are cool.
When Uwem heard that gist, he didn’t know me, so it was easy for him to believe it but when we finally met, he realised I wasn’t that person.
The guy Uwem was talking about wasn’t my boyfriend yet, but he wanted to date me. He was also from the opposite dance group. He came to tell Uwem, our dance group daddy, that there was this girl he liked and wanted to talk to, which was me. That was how we all started talking — me, him, Uwem. Uwem’s ex-girlfriend was also there. He found out that I was cool, smart, interesting, fun…
Uwem: Hype yourself oh.
Blessing: Yup. After that day, every time we saw each other, we would just hang out and gist. We became each other’s confidant. He would tell me about the problems he was experiencing in his relationship at the time, and I would tell him about mine.
We moved to Yahoo Messenger and began chatting. His girlfriend broke up with him, we kept chatting. My boyfriend broke up with me, we kept chatting. He went back to his girlfriend, we kept chatting. We tried hooking each other up with other people, didn’t work out, but we kept chatting. We chatted for a really long time sha.
And during all this time, you people were not dating?
Blessing: It’s difficult to believe, but we were friends and never had any romantic feelings for each other. We just thought, “This person gets me.”
Uwem: My guy…
Blessing: Yeah. This was something most of my guy friends in school, even outside school called me. It annoyed me because I am a babe, but they were comfortable having “guy” conversations with me.
Uwem: You need to add that you had very few female friends.
Blessing: Thatdoesn’t give you people the right to guy-zone me. I knew it was easy to talk to me. We could talk about football, Naruto and actual rubbish. They would share their problems with me, and I would give them advice. That’s how Uwem and I were. We were so close that our partners were always freaking out about our closeness.
How did you people make the transition from being just guys to being in a romantic relationship?
Uwem: It was awkward at first because when you involve emotions in friendships, little things that used to be overlooked become issues, whether or not it’s a problem.
Blessing: You are such a philosopher. How did you start liking me?
Uwem: I’m getting there. The shift happened at a dinner. It was 2016, and I was leading the Tony Elumelu Entrepreneurship Programme. The CEO then, Parminder Vir, invited me to a dinner and asked me to bring my significant other. Nobody in my office knew Blessing then. It was a top-notch event with important people. Sometime during the dinner, a conversation about Africa’s business development started and Blessing was just sharing her two cents with these people. These were people I revered, but Blessing was engaging them and it was fun.
That night when we got home, I asked myself, “What exactly is your plan with Blessing?” She is a rare combination of many things — she’s beautiful, street-smart and book-smart. That night, I asked her out. I thought she said yes because a big part of me wanted it to be yes but this naughty girl said she was going to think about it — I didn’t hear her. For a whole month, I thought I was dating her, meanwhile, I was dating myself. After one month, I sent her a happy anniversary message and this babe said, “Oh, we are dating?” LOL.
How did you guys move from dating to getting married?
Uwem: We dated about three years. I’m the kind of person that likes to build relationships that have end goals. My goal was to build a family made of me and her, build an empire and all that with her. One day I was like, “Why am I wasting my time when I can just propose to this babe?” During this time, Blessing was saying she didn’t want to get married. She wanted a partnership but not a marriage. She told everyone I was her partner, but I wanted something more deliberate.
So I spent about a month planning to propose to her. It was July 2018, I got us a private cinema and lied to her that we were planning a company retreat at my office and I wanted her opinion of the cinema experience. I made a short video of all the good times we’ve had together — like our trips to a number of countries and good times we’ve had together.
I invited some of our closest friends and her sister. We were just eight because I knew Blessing would like something small. Blessing was particularly difficult that evening. She wanted to wear shorts and slippers because we were supposed to be going to see a movie. Her friends were telling her to wear makeup and she asked if they were going for the Grammys. LOL. It was as if the devil was pushing her that day. Eventually, she wore something nice but still casual. At the cinema and just before the movie, she was surprised to see me on screen talking about how much I loved her, and when she turned to ask me what was going on, I knelt down and asked her to marry me. I felt like if I didn’t hold her, she would have run out of the cinema, but she said yes.
What’s the best part of the relationship?
Uwem: The fact that we can talk to each other.
Blessing: Yes, it’s the friendship for me. When I moved to Lagos, he was the only person I was comfortable talking to about my plans. I talk a lot, but I’m not great at sharing the important stuff. So when we started dating, I was worried that we would lose the friendship. We didn’t exactly know how to navigate that. We had to have a conversation about whether we were going to continue as friends or as lovers.
Uwem: Because our first fight happened when we started dating.
Blessing: Yup, so we decided that no matter what, we would keep the friendship. So far, I think we’ve done a good job.
Uwem: Even though you are annoying.
Blessing: You are the most annoying person in the world but I choose you. We recently agreed on a pact that no matter what, we would cuddle through the night. This is because when I’m annoyed with someone, I can’t stand being around them. I could be in the same room with them, but I can’t talk to them. I feel like that would be pretending we are fine but I also suck at malice. So when he is calling me baby, I’m like, who is your baby? But now, we’ve decided to cuddle it out even when it’s uncomfortable. I think it has helped our fights because after cuddling, we might as well just talk about it.
What was your biggest fight about?
Uwem: It has to be the couch.
Blessing: After Uwem proposed, we decided to move in together, so we got a house. We were doing marriage counselling at this time. Before counselling, we thought we were great at communicating with each other, but counselling helped us see that we weren’t finishing our conversations, which means we both leave conversations with assumptions.
A good example was the couch. We both wanted a sectional couch as the centrepiece of the living room, but nobody was specific about what kind of sectional they wanted. So when it was time to buy it, I showed him a minimalist couch that you can’t lie on because I really didn’t want people lying down on my couch, but Uwem wanted a thick sectional couch that was comfortable enough for sleeping. We eventually convinced each other that the other person’s couch might be a better choice. By the time, it was time to buy it, we had reversed roles — Uwem wanted the minimalist couch and I wanted the thick one. That started another round of arguments.
We also had these artisans who were working on the house. I don’t know how to pretend something is okay when it isn’t, so when these artisans make something off my specifications, I won’t manage it and I would deduct money for what I’m supposed to pay. Uwem will be like, don’t worry, we can manage it, but after a while, he will start complaining about the same thing.
There was a lot of tension around moving in, and at some point, I said I’m not doing again. Now, it sounds trivial, but then it felt like he wasn’t sensitive to how I was feeling and I wasn’t sensitive to him as well. We thought maybe we would have worked better if we were just friends. We went to tell our counsellor, and he laughed at us. He explained that we’re not finishing our conversations. He advised at the end of any conversation, we should ask each other what decisions we have made based on the conversation and the next steps to be taken.
He also helped us realise that we were reflecting our love languages on each other. I like acts of service and Uwem likes quality time, so he would be spending time with me when that’s not what I want. I don’t want you to sit down with me in the kitchen — I want you to relieve some of the burden by washing plates while I’m cooking so I will finish faster. It was a learning moment for both of us and Uwem is so supportive, gosh! I love it.
What is your favourite thing about each other?
Uwem: I love that Blessing questions the norm. I am a non-confrontational person, so it can be annoying when she gets contrarian, but it’s something I really like about her. I also think she has a good heart. An example is one time, we bought some electric products from a shop. When we got home, Blessing realised that we were undercharged and she made sure we went back to pay for the product. I remember thinking we had spent all our money buying these things and maybe this was God’s gift to us, but Blessing pushed until we went back and paid for it. That made me like her more. Plus, she’s good company.
Blessing: My favourite thing about Uwem is his quest for knowledge. He always wants to know what’s happening. There’s barely anything you ask him about that he doesn’t know at least one thing about it. Even when he doesn’t know, he’s always trying to research and find out.
I also like how he treats people. He respects people before he even knows them. In all, I love how he treats me. It sounds selfish, but he treats me really well. When he tries to be defensive, he always comes back to me to say, “Babe, it’s both of us in this relationship, both of us against the fight or whatever challenge we’re having.” That friendship is priceless.
What are your future plans together?
Blessing: We are trying to build assets. We have my money, his money and our money. We have the same structure for our savings, our investments and asset building. We’re focused on building assets as a couple and improving our relationship with each other.
Uwem: And having more experiences together.
Rate your relationship on a scale of one to 10 and why?
Uwem: 10!We joke about this when we are cuddling sometimes. I feel like she was made for me. We are not perfect because I have my issues and she has hers, but when we come together, everything works out. Sometimes I wonder why I am with this troublesome person, but at the end of the day, she’s the best person for me. I said this in my vows — she makes me a better person.
Blessing: Same for me. I like that we are not trying to force each other to be something else. We take each other as we are.
Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill this form.
For some women, marriage is a source of joy and I wanted to tell their stories too so I made a call for Nigerian women to share with me the best thing about being married. Here’s what six of them had to say.
Kikelomo, 25, married for four years
My husband and I talked about my career plans before we got married, and he has supported me through it since then. He works 15 hours a day so I can focus on going to school, and taking care of our child. I am almost done with school and should start working to relieve him of the financial burden but I have plans to go to medical school in a few years time. When I told him about it, all he said was, “Okay, we should start working on it”. He’s willing to work more hours so I can go to medical school again!
I love being married to him because he gets me and he’s a huge supporter. If I wasn’t married, I wouldn’t be able to achieve my career goals because I would want to focus on earning to take care of myself. What we have allows me to dream and plan my future. When I asked him why he’s so supportive and he said, “A lot of men are successful because their wife sacrificed something. If I have to sacrifice for you to be successful, I will always do it.”
Deborah, 28, married for three years
For me, it’s a lot of things. One of my favourites is when I get frustrated looking for something and he starts searching all the places I could have left it in. We have children and being married to their dad means that there’s someone who knew me before marriage, who knows me now and understands the difference.
Another thing is when I’m doing something and I see him out of the corner of my eye, shirtless. I’m like wow, I can’t believe I get to fuck that till I die. The icing on the cake is that my ass can never pass his front without him spanking me.
Dimma, 25, married for three months
I have strong anti-patriarchal views and I love that he understands me. Sometimes, I wake up at 3 am to stare at him and think to myself “MAN! I won in this life o.” Having a partner whose life is positively intertwined with mine is God’s gift to me. He really is the one for me — the tick to my tock!
Ibinabo, 49, married for 13 years.
I love that I have my best friend to share the good, bad and ugly parts of my life with. I especially love our silence the most.
Samira, 52, married for 26 years
Being married for as long as I have been, I know that things can come to threaten the balance of a home but the love we have suppresses every other thing. I love that we support each other with parenting. He is the best thing that happened to me.
Jolie, 34, married for two years
Honestly, the best thing for me is being warm at night. Knowing that when I am cold, there’s someone to hold.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old heterosexual woman who was celibate until she got married. She talks about enjoying sex with her husband until she discovered she was pregnant.
What was your first sexual experience?
My first sexual experience was not consensual. An uncle who lived with my family raped me when I was a teenager. I had just returned from school and none of the adults were back from work. I hadn’t even started menstruating yet.
It was a violent experience that I was going to hide from my parents. My grandmother observed that something was wrong with me and asked my parents to prod. That was how I told them what happened. They got really livid and invited the police to arrest him.
My parents were going to press charges, but it never got to court. I can’t remember the details, but it seemed that either some distant family members or the police decided it was best to bury the matter. The uncle never lived with us again though.
I’m so sorry. Did you receive any kind of support after this happened?
Yes. My parents are nurses, so they were kind of aware of the kind of support I needed. Although, It wasn’t full-on support because they were also ashamed of the whole situation and wanted to bury it. So, apart from sexual health support, my parents sent me to a purity camp that their church organised.
What was that like?
It wasn’t that bad. The camp had its issues in the kind of message it preached: girls were to save themselves for marriage only for the benefit of boys. They told us that abuse wasn’t our fault, but that we also needed to be careful about what we wore. They also told us oral sex was a sin.
I would have swallowed all of these if it wasn’t for the friends I met who were opinionated and asked our tutors questions that left them stammering. The good thing is the friends I made are still my best friends today. It was through them I was able to form my own opinions about sex.
What were your opinions?
That I hadn’t sinned because I was raped. That it wasn’t my fault I was raped. That saving yourself for marriage is not for the benefit of a man. And a bunch of other things. It all sounds simple, but it was actually hard to reach these opinions. I was doing a lot of reading and studying of religious texts. I was also trying to remove the stigma and shame I felt anytime I thought about being raped.
How did these affect your sex life?
I decided to abstain from fornication and save myself for marriage. So, while I made out with people I dated, I didn’t have sex with anyone until I got married.
When did you get married?
About a year after university. I got married to my longtime boyfriend. We started dating sometime in university. We always knew we were going to get married. We were both celibate.
How did you deal with being in a longterm relationship and not having any kind of sex?
It was very hard, but we tried. We hardly spent time together alone in private spaces. If we had to, we always had some kind of third wheel with us.
So what was married sex like?
Even though I had been reading about sex since I was a teenager and was kinda ready to have it, I was still pleasantly surprised. My biggest shock was that it wasn’t painful. I can never forget the pain of being raped as a teen. That pain was in my head when we started having sex.
The first time was actually bad. We weren’t lubricated enough, so we just got frustrated and went to bed.
Then there was the problem of not knowing what worked for the other. There’s a bit of beauty and frustration in discovering someone’s body for the first time, and that was pretty much what it was like for us in the first few months. We got to discover the power of my clitoris only after a month of being married. We were having sex quite regularly, but half the time, it was rubbish.
Once we got the hang of each other’s bodies and understood what worked and didn’t work, it was amazing from there. And we explored too, as long as it was not against our beliefs.
What do you mean?
It’s hard to find useful information or tips to make our sex lives as Christians more interesting, so my husband and I had to come up with our own idea of fun and exciting.
We once went on a vacation outside the country and had sex in a public space — not public, like market or road. Forest public. We did a lot of that since we both find it exhilarating. Sex in the car, sex in water, at the office, etc. We sometimes role-played. We were very big on finding new sexual positions and made a game out of it.
You use the past tense to describe your sex life. What’s it like these days?
When we got married, we never planned to have children. Not until my early 30s at least. But somehow, we got pregnant and didn’t know until I was five months in. If I had known earlier, I probably would have gotten an abortion.
Having a baby was going to ruin my career and other parts of my life. I got married early, so I really wanted to be very independent and build most of my career before I turned 30. Interestingly, I didn’t even consider that having a baby would mess up my sex life. It did.
How?
I started hating sex around the time I was 8 months along. My husband tried everything he could, but I just found the thought of sex quite repulsive. But before this time, we were still really enjoying sex and with my pregnancy, the number of times I could orgasm in one round was anything from one to four. There was no time I had sex that I didn’t orgasm. I was also really energetic and was having sex a lot.
Then all of a sudden, there was nothing. I wasn’t responding to my husband’s touch or even trying to initiate sex. We decided it’ll pass after the baby came. It didn’t. At first my husband was very patient, and I was very worried. Then he became frustrated and I became indifferent. He wanted me to go to the hospital and I really didn’t want to because what exactly would I say? I had been googling it and most of the stuff I read said it was perfectly normal.
So you’ve not spoken to a professional about it?
Well, I did, very reluctantly, recently — that’s practically 9 months after giving birth. The first doctor I saw told me to give it time. He even laughed it off as stress. I saw a couple of different doctors that said something similar. Then my husband said we should see another doctor in a different hospital. A woman.
First thing she told me was that I’m not crazy, that a lot of women experience this low sex drive after or during pregnancy, after menopause, etc. She prescribed drugs that didn’t really work, then referred me to a therapist who suggested I might have something called hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
So it’s basically a disorder where you don’t feel motivated to have or initiate sex. In some cases, you might lose all sexual attraction to your partner. She says it might have been triggered by pregnancy and childbirth, but that she also believes being raped when I was young has a connection.
What are your symptoms?
In my case, I just don’t want to have sex, it’s repulsive. Anytime I have sex, I’ll just be counting down. I actually once told my husband to go and have sex with someone else out of annoyance. I didn’t care.
Wow.
The therapist prescribed some therapy exercises, like us just spending really physical and intimate time together without having sex. We’re currently trying them, but it’s too early to say if it has solved anything.
She said if this doesn’t work, we’ll consider options. I’ve been reading obsessively about the condition online and asking ‘why me’ — after going most of my life without sex, this happens? Anyhow, in all, we thank God.
So how would you rate your sex life?
Maybe 7/10 because when I was having sex, it was lit. I’m just praying that this problem is resolved.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a woman in her 40s who has been divorced three times. She talks about how not using protection and the lack of safe clinics for abortion in Nigeria affected her Sex Life.
When did you have sex for the first time?
Ah. That was a long time ago. Maybe when I was 16. I can’t remember. I had just finished secondary school and I didn’t know what came next. So I went to stay with my aunty in another state for a while. Then I met this guy in the neighborhood. Every day, after me and the other children finished our chores, we would hang around in the neighborhood. That’s how I started hanging out with him and before I knew it, I was pregnant.
Wow. Did you have sex with him more than once?
A LOT. In a day, maybe 3 times. We were having sex every day except maybe weekends. That one I’m sure of. That guy had a sweet mouth oh. He’d promise to buy me this and buy me that. I think the very first time, he promised to buy me biscuit* if I let him touch my breast. Me too, I asked myself, what’s the big deal? But from breast touching, it led to something else and we had sex for the first time inside one uncompleted building.
Wow. Lol. What did you think about sex before this experience?
Nothing much. I grew up with my father and his own was if you’re having sex, just don’t let him finish inside you. He told me and my brothers this — they weren’t to ‘finish’ inside anybody. That it’s not easy to raise a child. That he won’t have had us if he had sense.. Then I had an aunty that used to call it the forbidden fruit when gisting with her friends. But other than these, nobody was talking to me about sex.
So how did sex become regular between you and this guy?
Once I had sex that first time, walahi, I didn’t know how to stop. It was so sweet, I went to look for him at his house the next day. The only thing was that we had to be careful, so other people didn’t find out. It wasn’t good for a young woman to be seen with men anyhow back then. Everyone would just conclude that they’re having sex.
Did you continue to have sex in uncompleted buildings?
Hahaha. We found other places. One time in the night, it was inside an old car parked on the street. Then another time, we went for one programme and before we knew it, we were having sex at the back of the building, near the toilet. In fact there’s no place we didn’t have sex. Although we had sex in his house and my Aunty’s house a few times, those were once in a while. We didn’t want to get caught by our family.
When did you discover you were pregnant?
After about three weeks, I went back to Lagos and then I did not see my period. I started praying. That this period should better show its face. I had just started a job — I was so tired all the time. Somehow, my father found out and, well, he asked who the father was. I told him I didn’t know.
My brothers were ready to find him and beat him, so I had to protect him. My father asked if I wanted to keep it. I said yes. I didn’t think I had a choice. All the while, me and this guy had already started love. We would write letters to each other. He was going to move to Lagos. And when I told him I was pregnant, he was happy. He wanted to get married.
Did you get married?
Married? At a very young age. No oh. We were both young. He didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a good job. I said no, please. But I asked if he could support me and the baby.
Did he?
For a few months after I had my child. Then he stopped when he heard I was with another man. And truth be told, I was just sleeping with this other man for money.
What was sex like with this other man?
It was okay. But you see, I didn’t like him like that, so I think it affected the sex with him. The only reason I kept doing it was the money. He would give me money to buy something for myself, but I would use it to buy something for my baby. My father and brothers were supportive, but there’s nothing like having your own money as a woman.
Did the guy know you were just sleeping with him for the money?
He knew.
Ah. Seriously?
Yes. It’s not as if I told him but he knew that if money didn’t drop, there was no way I’d come to his house. And I didn’t feel bad. Why should I feel bad for something I will still do for free? Money is the principal thing in this life.
Can’t fault that. So how long did that go on for?
For about two years, off and on. In fact, he even got married at some point, but he would still come to me for sex. Then he even promised he would marry me so that I would be his second wife. I was about 20 or so then, but I still didn’t want to be married. Talkless of being a second wife. So I ended it. The mistake I made was that I still wasn’t using contraception or condoms.
Why weren’t you using contraception?
I didn’t know anything about them to be honest.
What happened next?
I got pregnant again. I found out after we ended it. I was going to abort, but an old classmate had just died from abortion. So I was very scared. And this time, my father said I should go and get married oh. That he doesn’t care if I’m the second or tenth wife.
I’m sure it wasn’t funny then.
It wasn’t. I didn’t want to get married, so my “forbidden fruit” aunty intervened. I started to live with her with my daughter. Because I was living with her, I started to learn more about sex and knew that I could use condoms. She would buy me a lot of condoms sometimes.
Did she tell you about birth control?
No. But I knew about them when I went to a clinic for a checkup. A nurse was talking about it and that’s how I knew. But when I came to get one, they didn’t give me. They said I had to come with my husband. Another clinic said the same thing — they didn’t even allow me to see the doctor. I told them I was not married and the woman, an old woman — I think she was a nurse — said that I should just stop sleeping around.
Wow.
Yes and because I had two children without being married, people said all sorts of things about me. That I was a prostitute, and if they said it when I was passing, I would ask, “and so what?” They said I would never find a man to marry because no man wanted to marry someone with children from different men, and I carried face because who needs men? All they know how to do is sleep, eat and have sex — and they never want to use condom.
People don’t know how to mind their business.
People ehn. Eventually, I met a guy that I really liked, we dated for a long time because I didn’t want to rush to have sex and then get pregnant. But one day, I went to see him in his house and I couldn’t hold it anymore, so we had sex.
How was it?
It was sweet. He knew how to do things that the other men I had been with didn’t. I really enjoyed it. I was really blinded by this, so we ended up getting married. He was my first husband.
First husband?
Hahahaha. Yes. First husband. We didn’t last. I’ve had the misfortune of being with men that are somehow. This one was a drunk. At least that’s better than husband number 2 that was a beater.
Wait. Two husbands.
Actually, three.
I have a lot of questions.
Oya.
Were you legally married to all of them?
Yes. Traditional wedding.
And divorced legally from all of them?
I carried my things and walked away
Haha. Energy. Did you have any children for them?
Two for the first and the second man respectively.
What about the third husband?
Having a baby just never worked out. I was so happy! He was the one that left me — said that my eggs have finished.
Still no birth control or condoms?
All the time I was married, I was begging them to use condoms, but they never agreed to it — that it was necessary for me to have children for them.
Nawa oh.
And that sex was better without condoms. I did not want children at all. I was tired.
In all this time, had your thoughts about sex changed?
Sex? I had even forgotten what sex was. Marrying was just so that I look respectable in society. So that nobody goes around insulting me or my children.
Did it work?
Somehow. But being divorced meant I still received the same insults. They don’t want to know why you left. As long as you don’t have a man around, you’re not a serious woman.
I wasn’t thinking about sex at all. The men I married, like most men, really liked sex. They wanted sex all the time and I would lie down there and let them do their thing. While thinking about other things like where is tomorrow’s food going to come from? When you don’t have plenty money like that, you won’t be thinking about sex as something to enjoy. The men too, they will just do their thing, four or five minutes and they’re done. No kissing, nothing.
How is your sex life nowadays?
It’s hard for a woman my age to meet good men. But I met one man recently and it has been nice. I forgot what sex could feel like. But now I remember. There are things we do that I’ve never tried before, even when I was younger. He really takes his time with me. I feel like a young girl again. Importantly, he knows that he’s supposed to use condoms.
I also have another man that is looking at me. This one has money and he buys me things. If he asks me to marry him, I probably will because I know he will take care of me. And I can take care of my children.
What about the first guy?
He’s nice for the sex but not as a husband or father.
If you had to score your sex life, what sccore will you give it over ten?
Wo, maybe 5. I don’t really know. Sex is nice oh. But it’s not the thing on my mind at all.
What’s on your mind?
Money. Going back to school to make something of myself.
If you could go back in time, what would you have done differently?
I would have been more careful with sex and made the men I slept with use condoms. I love my children but maybe I would have had abortions if there were safe clinics.
This interview took place in Yoruba and was edited and condensed for clarity.
2020 has been a rough year so far, but that doesn’t the world is over. People are still finding love (and getting married) in the middle of this pandemic, so don’t give up hope just yet. Let’s predict what your relationship status will be at the end of this year.
1. You can be fully in the moment and not get distracted by anything.
With random sex, you will occasionally worry about stuff like “Does this person really like me? Do they think I’m terrible at sex? Will I ever hear from them again?” But then with your spouse, you will never have to worry about any of that.
2. You perfectly understand each other’s bodies.
You don’t have to wonder if the other person likes that thing you’re doing with your tongue and you don’t have to muffle your scream when the other person bites your nipple thinking its sexy. As a married couple, you know what your spouse likes and vice versa which means you can give each other mind blowing orgasms with very little instruction. Which is why…..
3. You can have sex really fast when you need to
Perfectly understanding each other’s bodies means that sex doesn’t always need to take one hour. So when you have a limited time to “get busy” (e.g when your baby is taking a nap or you have to get up really early the next morning) and there isn’t time to waste, you can just get right to it and be done in 5 minutes.
4. Sex can be awkward and still be hilarious
Imagine how awkward it’ll be if you’re having sex with someone you haven’t known long and you mistakenly fart. You’ll pray for the ground to open up and swallow you. You don’t have to worry about this with your spouse. You can fart, try a new position (and fail) or even have a quick snack and it’s all okay. Why? Because you love each other, that’s why.
5. You don’t have to worry about STDs (If you’re a monogamous married couple)
One of the worst parts of having sex outside of marriage is wondering if the other person is really just a walking talking bag of STDs. When you’re in a committed monogamous marriage, you don’t have to have to worry about this. Unless of course one of you is secretly cheating……
6. If you decide to try kink, it’ll work better.
Really naughty kinky sex requires communication, negotiation and trust which most marriages already have tons of. So y’all are less likely to end up in the emergency room than say…… 2 people who just got together for a one night stand and decided to act out the plot of 50 Shades Of Grey.
7. You don’t have to look perfect.
Listen now, this is not something you should do all the time. We’re not saying you should let yourself go just because you’re married. What we mean is that there are times when you both want to engage in coitus (lol) but don’t want to go through the stress of preparation (e.g leg shaving etc) and you can just “get on down” because you both love each other to pieces.
8. Initiating sex is no longer a problem
Because you’re both married. Instead of dropping hints and innuendos, initiating sex will become as easy as this,
Wife: “Hey. This show is ending in 10 minutes. Wanna have sex then?”
When will you marry? This year or next year? Never?
If you live in Africa, then chances are if you’re over 21, you regularly get asked this question, — especially at weddings, if you’re a serial aso-ebi buyer.
Sometimes, it’s way cooler to exchange your vows abroad…
