marriage | Zikoko!

Tokunbo’s* first marriage began to crash barely a year after the wedding due to infidelity and constant arguments. He married his current wife while processing his divorce in 2017 and thought he’d finally found a shot at happiness.

Seven years later, he’s struggling with regret and hopes to reunite with his first wife.

As told to Boluwatife

Image source: Freepik

I married my first wife, Yetunde* when I was 27 years old, but I’d loved her since I was 10.

We were childhood friends. Actually, she was my childhood bully. We lived in the same estate and we met when my dad bought me a bicycle as a reward for getting the first position in JSS 1. I rode the bike to the farthest part of my street that day, and as expected with children, other boys came up to me and asked me to let them ride for a bit.

I allowed a few boys, and Yetunde came to ask for a turn, too. I refused — not because she was a girl, though. I had a very small stature growing up, and Yetunde, who is two years older than me, was taller and generally bigger than me. I was scared she wouldn’t return my bicycle. She thought I was just being mean and forcefully dragged the bicycle from me. She did return it later, but we became sworn enemies after that day.

Like I said, we lived in the same estate, so we always ran into each other. Whenever Yetunde saw me, she either mocked me by calling me “Stingy koko” or knocked down whatever was in my hands. I’m not even sure how we later became friends. I just know I reported her to my elder sister, and she made her stop bothering me. We became inseparable, and I thought she was the prettiest girl ever.

We started dating in SS 3 and tried continuing in university, but we schooled in different states, and our love didn’t survive the distance. We only communicated occasionally via Facebook and only saw each other thrice over the next nine years. We always had a one-night stand kind of “reunion” each time we saw. One of these reunions led to Yetunde getting pregnant in 2014.

The pregnancy came with serious issues for both our families. Yetunde’s family insisted we had to marry because it was taboo in their village to give birth outside wedlock. My own family said she was older and physically bigger than me, and that meant she’d control me in the house. In the end, Yetunde and I felt we still had feelings for each other, so we married.

It’s safe to say both of us didn’t know what to expect in marriage. We didn’t even really know each other. We’d loved each other as kids and were attracted to each other sexually, but that was about it. Living together opened our eyes to the fact that it took more than childhood love and sex to keep a home.

We fought over the smallest things. I remember how we kept malice with each other for three days because I farted in the sitting room, and it led to a huge fight. Parenting strained our relationship even more. I spent long hours at work, and Yetunde expected me to take over the baby’s needs once I returned because she’d done it all day. But I didn’t think it made sense for me to come home tired at night to start babysitting.

Yetunde resented me for that, and we fought endlessly. We also stopped having sex after our child was born. She just stopped letting me touch her. This was barely a year after marriage.

So, I started cheating. I know I should’ve put in more effort to solve our issues, but I took the easy way out. It was just casual sex, honestly. There was this babe at work who I knew liked me. We got closer when Yetunde and I stopped being intimate, and things just got out of control.

Yetunde found out six months later after going through our chats. She threatened to leave, and I begged for weeks. She only agreed to forgive me if I tested for STDs. I did the test and came back clean, but she said we’d still have to abstain from sex for three months so she could confirm I didn’t have HIV.

I was annoyed at that. It was like she thought I was a child who didn’t know how to protect himself. I still did the test again after three months, but I decided I wouldn’t approach her for sex again. If she really forgave me, she should also make the first move. She didn’t make any move.

I couldn’t cope, so I went back to having affairs. I think Yetunde knew, but she never confronted me again. We grew apart even more, and our conversations reduced to ordinary greetings or if she needed to ask me for something our child needed. I still sent her monthly allowances to care for the home as she wasn’t working. I wasn’t completely irresponsible.

In 2017, I met the woman I’m currently married to — Comfort*. I initially intended to keep her as a girlfriend, but I fell in love with her and stopped seeing other women. Comfort didn’t know I was married.

By now, I was tired of my marriage with Yetunde. I came up with every excuse possible to convince myself we weren’t meant to be together. I thought, if she hadn’t fallen pregnant, I wouldn’t even have had to marry her. Did I have to resign myself to a sexless, loveless marriage just because of one mistake?

RELATED: I’m Asexual Or Just Not Attracted To My Husband

I decided to put myself first, so I told Yetunde I wanted a divorce. Surprisingly, she didn’t argue. She just said she wouldn’t move out of the apartment, and I had to keep paying the rent. She also said she’d never give up custody of our child, which was more than fine with me.

So, that same year, I married Comfort. I had to convince her we didn’t need a court wedding because I was still in the middle of divorce proceedings (which she didn’t know), and I heard I could face jail if I tried to remarry legally while still married. We even did the traditional marriage quietly because I didn’t want Yetunde to know and probably tell the court. My family knew about my issues with Yetunde, so it wasn’t difficult telling them of my choice to remarry and keep the whole thing quiet.

I only told Comfort after the court finalised the divorce in 2019. She was angry, but my family joined me to apologise to her, and all went well. I also tried to introduce her to my child, but Yetunde relocated out of the country with her.

I’m still shocked that she didn’t tell me beforehand. If I hadn’t texted her to inform her of my marriage and ask to see my child, she probably wouldn’t have told me they’d left. I mean, I still paid the child’s school fees for the previous term, so it wasn’t like I wasn’t doing my part. I wanted to drag the issue out, but I just told myself it was for my child’s benefit.

In my head, I was finally getting a new shot at happiness. I’d tried marriage, and it didn’t work out, but I had a second chance. I was also on civil terms with my ex and didn’t need to hide anything from Comfort again. I could now be happy without feeling guilty or thinking of another woman outside.

And I was happy. Comfort even encouraged me to attend church more, and I gave my life to Christ in 2021. Since then, I’ve been serious with God and feel like a new person. But I’m now navigating a new kind of guilt: regret over divorcing Yetunde.

I listened to a sermon in 2022 about how God hates divorce, and since then, I’ve been struggling with feeling like I made a grave mistake. The Bible says, “Whoever divorces his wife and remarries has committed adultery — except the wife was unfaithful”. Yetunde wasn’t unfaithful. She didn’t even do anything to me.

No matter how I try to reason it in my head, I feel like I’m constantly living in sin by staying married to Comfort. It’s even affecting my walk with God. I feel like I call myself a Christian, but I’ll still go to hell because of this one mistake. I’ve never discussed this with Comfort.

Some church elders I’ve spoken to about my concerns have suggested reconciling with Yetunde and probably letting Comfort go since we don’t have children together yet. But first, I don’t even know if Yetunde wants to come back. I know she isn’t married, but she might not want to have anything to do with me again. Second, what do I tell Comfort and our families?

I wish I’d made better decisions and generally been a better person, but I can’t turn back the hands of time. I just know I need to make a final decision soon because I can’t continue living like this. Comfort already thinks I’m cheating because I’m constantly acting distant. Maybe I’ll gather the courage to beg Yetunde and hope she forgives me and returns. Or maybe I should just let Comfort go and live alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: My Husband’s Family Has Attacked Me Spiritually for Years

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Tife Oni

July 5, 2024

Ships

divorce, guilt, Inside life, marriage, relationships
A Nollywood actress’ recent comments about wishing she’d married for money instead of love has woken social media debaters from their slumber and inspired another version of the age-old conversation topic: Should you marry for love or money?

I spoke to married Nigerians, and they talked about marrying for either love or money and what they’d do differently if they could have a do-over.

Gbemi, 51

I married for love, but I won’t advise any young woman to do the same. My husband isn’t a bad man, and I’m not suffering, but I have a reason for my answer.

When I married my husband, he was unemployed and only had foam in his bedroom—no bed or mattress—just foam to sleep on. If you mistakenly slept on that foam without a bedsheet, you’d have to spend hours removing foam from your hair. But I loved him, and he was kind to me. I also had a job, and we planned to use my salary to build a school as our family business.

It worked out for us, but only because my husband is a rare breed. For over six years, I brought most of the money, and he never acted out. He never talked even when I did my normal woman wahala and spent money on unnecessary things. He neither asked me for money nor tried to police what I used money for. I dropped it at home by myself because of our school plan.

Men of these days can’t do that. I can’t count the number of family issues I’ve helped solve that’s rooted in the woman earning more. Don’t say your own man can’t do it. Marry someone with money, please. Marriage is already stressful without adding money and the stress of managing someone’s ego to it. If I didn’t get married to my husband, I most likely wouldn’t have married a poor man.

Obinna, 43

I didn’t even marry for either love or money. I got married to my partner because my parents knew her family and recommended her. I don’t have any regrets. She’s made my house a home and is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We’ve been married for over 10 years, and that’s love if you ask me. If I had the opportunity again, I’d still allow my parents to pick for me.

Rola, 29

I married for both love and money by making sure to find love where the money was. I understand that money is vital in building a home and removing unnecessary stress, so poverty was a deal-breaker for me when I was single. I don’t have much in common with broke men, so where did they even want to find me? I make good money and expect the same from a romantic partner. That’ll always be my standard.

Justina, 40

I married quite young for love, and while I’m grateful that my husband and I are fairly financially comfortable now, it wasn’t always like that. There were years of struggle that affected the love. Of course, you can’t be thinking about love when landlord is threatening to throw you out over unpaid rent, or when you’re doing 001 and eating once a day so your kids can eat.

Fortunately, we stayed together through those years, but I don’t think we’re as close as before. We lost that connection while struggling to make ends meet. If I had the opportunity to do it all over again, I’d have waited for us to make money first before getting married and raising children.

Femi, 34

Do Nigerian men really have the option to marry for money? I don’t think it’s as common for us. I married my wife because I love her. Whether she brings in money or not isn’t really my business because I’m meant to provide for her and my family. That’s not to say it doesn’t get difficult. I’ve been married for five years, and sometimes, I want to run away from all my financial responsibilities. If it’s not house rent, it’s fuel or the children or even extended family. Maybe if I had another opportunity, I’d find a way to hook Dangote’s daughter so that I, too, can enjoy.

Yemi, 31

I married for love and peace of mind. Money isn’t everything. My husband and I don’t have it all, but at least we’re together. I’ve heard stories of richer couples who eventually divorced or are battling one problem or the other. I’ll advise anyone to consider peace of mind and whether they can stay happy with that person for years over how much is in their account. Money can disappear overnight, but marriage is a lifetime thing. Will you end the marriage because there’s no money again?

NEXT READ: I Blame My Rich Parents for My Lack of Ambition

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Tife Oni

June 11, 2024

Money, Ships

love, marriage, married couples, Nigerians, relationships
If you’ve been on X (FKA Twitter) in the last 48 hours, you’d have seen a range of responses to a user’s question “What’s your first reality check after getting married?”

I was looking to speak with married people to share their experiences when I found Gbemisola*(30). She talks about her struggle with conflict resolution and how being married now forces her to confront issues head on.

As Told to Adeyinka

I’ve been married for two years now, and it’s been a personal learning curve. The things you have to stomach for the sake of love? God, abeg.

I met my husband in university in 2015. We were in the same department but different years, so we saw ourselves a lot in school. But being around each other didn’t stop at that.

After we became official, I started spending more time at his hostel — I enjoyed his company and I didn’t even like my hostel. I had nosy roommates and privacy was completely out the window. The few times he visited, I had to talk my roommates into giving us some privacy, and I didn’t like that.

Because of my roommates’ situation, it made more sense to spend time at his place. I eventually moved to his hostel completely and only went to my hostel when I needed a change of clothes.

It was sweet in the early stages. We both did most of the cooking, watched movies together, read together and went to school together on days when we had similar schedules. Then, about six months into the relationship, the fights started to happen, showing me a version of myself I wasn’t aware of.

It’s hard to remember the details now, but our first fight was over something so insignificant. We’d gotten into an argument over school work, and I didn’t like the way he went about proving my argument was wrong. I felt like he wanted a “gotcha” moment at my expense. I kept to myself for the rest of the evening, even though he kept bothering me. The first thing I did the following morning was to pack some of my clothes and return to my hostel. While I was away, he kept asking why I left because of a little argument. But I stayed in my hostel for two weeks.

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As our relationship went by,”running away” became my approach to conflict resolution. If we had any fight, I was out of his space that day or the next, and I made it a point not to return until weeks had passed. He hated this so much. He was always like “You can’t just up and leave because we have issues. Is this how you’ll do when we get married?” And my response to him was always “Well, we aren’t married, are we?”

I remember a similar incident that happened while I was serving in Lagos. At the time, I switched between his place and my sister’s. One day, we had a fight, and in my usual pattern, I kept to myself. By the next morning I picked out clothes from the wardrobe and prepared to head over to my sister’s. He noticed me packing my stuff and he just said “If you’re leaving because of our fight, I won’t stop you. But just know that if you walk out of that door, you’re walking out of my life and I won’t stop you.”

It was the first time he reacted that way, so a part of me shuddered at the thought of “walking out of his life”. Obviously, the stubborn girl that I am, I didn’t concede. Instead, I lied and told him I only wanted to drop off some clothes at my sisters and I’ll be back at night.

I don’t know why but that experience — his words particularly — stayed in my head for a long time and haunted me whenever I wrestled with the urge to leave his place after a fight.

Now, what did I do?

I started spacing the time I left. Instead of leaving the next day after a fight, I’d tell him I’m heading home in a couple of days. We both knew why my visit home was happening at that particular time, but we never talked about it.

Fast forward to 2022, we tied the knot and officially became husband and wife. People have all sorts of worries going into marriage — Who handles the bills, who cooks, who should take care of the chores, etc. But for someone like me, whose coping mechanism during conflict was taking off, my only fear was the realisation that I couldn’t just take off as I wanted anymore.

It didn’t help that my parents, relatives, and other older folks made it a point to drum it into my ears. “You can’t run away from your husband’s house o. If you have issues, stay there with him until you resolve it”.

We barely had issues in the first year of our marriage. Everything worked perfectly, and there were hardly any major fights. Yes, we had minor arguments, but nothing serious enough to warrant my desire to flee.

Then we had our first big fight in the second year. It was money related. After we got married, we decided to save together without necessarily opening a joint account, and we agreed to save a minimum of ₦50k monthly. It could be more, but never less.

By the second year, we had saved quite a sum and I wanted some gadgets for the kitchen. My husband felt we should wait until we hit our savings goals, but I told him the items were on sale and it made sense to take the deal. He remained adamant, but I went ahead to make the purchase anyway. He was furious on the day the items were delivered and we had a little shouting match.

I was livid that night and wanted so badly to be away from him. I think I considered going to an overnight cinema just to be out of the house, but I couldn’t find any. We ignored each other for the rest of the day, and I cried myself to sleep that night. To be honest, it wasn’t the fight that made me cry. I mean, it wasn’t the first time we fought. It was the realisation that I couldn’t up and leave like I did when we were dating.

I suspected he also knew I couldn’t just leave if I wanted, and it slowed his eagerness to apologise. Back when we were dating, I’d have gotten calls and texts from him after I moved out, but in this case, he took his time before apologising.

To be honest, it’s a trope we’re both navigating and it hasn’t been an easy one.

Now, we are both intentional about finding ways to solve our issues as quickly as possible without the silent treatment or one person feeling like a prisoner in their home. The truth is, I love my husband, and I miss him terribly every second I’m away from him during a fight or an argument. I know he feels the same way.

READ NEXT: We Got Married So We Can Be Gay in Peace

Adeyinka Odutuyo

May 21, 2024

Inside Life

marriage, married women, Nigerians, relationships
Society comes up with a new rule for women everyday. Some women follow it, some tweak it a little to fit what they truly want, and others just give society the middle finger.

Nigerians have been debating on X (FKA Twitter) if women should take their partner’s last names, so we asked 10 Nigerian women if they’d take their partner’s last names after marriage and this is what they said.

Jumai*, 59, Widowed

I got married in the 90s. At the time, it didn’t really feel like I had a different choice but to take his name. However, I tweaked it. I didn’t like his last name or the meaning behind it, so I took his middle name instead. It was a win-win.

Blessing*, 24, Single

I’m open to changing my name, but only if my partner’s name sounds nice. If it doesn’t sound better than mine, then I’m keeping my last name.

Favour*, 69, Married

I took my husband’s name because I was expected to take it. Also, it didn’t make sense for me to keep my name. I’m not insanely popular like an actress or a musician, so I didn’t have any reason to keep my name. Besides, the Bible says your husband is your head, so it was the Christian thing to do.

Joy*,23, Single

My daddy is dead, so keeping his name feels like a good way to remember him. That said, I also feel like I might have an identity crisis if I change my name at this point in my life. So, no, I won’t be taking my husband’s last name, but our children can take his name. Let everyone answer their father’s names.

Lolu*, 26, Single

I won’t be taking my husband’s last name. I like mine too much, but if we have children, I won’t mind mind if they take his name or maybe the boys can take his and the girls can take mine. I’m still thinking about this part.

Beauty*, 27, Married

I changed my last name after I got married. My previous surname had a traditional meaning we didn’t like, and my dad wanted to change our name before he passed, so marriage was an opportunity to do so.

Chisom*, 32, Engaged

I’ve thought about it a lot because my surname sounds so fucking cool. I like my partner’s surname, so I’m willing to hyphenate both names. When we have children, they can take his name.

Doyin*, 27, Engaged

I don’t mind people calling me by my partner’s last name, but I don’t think I’ll ever change my name on paper. It takes forever to change your last name in this country, so it just doesn’t feel worth it. Also, I really like my last name and it’s a big part of my identity and work. My name has become a brand, and I just don’t see myself letting that go.

Ivy*, 23, Single

First of all, I’m a lesbian. I don’t have any societal obligation to take anyone’s name. But I also don’t like the stress that comes with legally changing a name. So yeah, I won’t change mine. If we have kids, we can hyphenate or merge both our names and come up with a new surname

Somto*, 30, Single

I’ve never really planned on taking my partner’s name when I get married. The plan is to make a name for myself before I get married, so it’ll just be easier to either hyphenate or leave my name as is.

Chioma Munachi

May 14, 2024

Her

marriage
Nigeria’s annual inflation rate has climbed to 29.9%, its highest in almost 28 years. The cost of living is choking the living, and it’s touching every aspect of our lives, including relationships.

I spoke to some Nigerians about how inflation has changed their relationship dynamic, and here’s what they said.

Rotimi, 27

My friends and I have this weekly tradition. We hang out at bars every Friday to drink and just talk about our week. We also rotate payment, so if I pay for the whole group’s drinks this week, someone else will do it next week.

When I paid for the group in December 2023, it cost me about ₦80k. That was even with Detty December price hikes. But when it was my turn in February 2024, it was over ₦100k for the same drinks and chops for five people. I’ve avoided the last two hangouts because spending that kind of money isn’t sustainable on a ₦350k salary. I still have bills.

My friends are considerably richer, so they probably haven’t noticed how sick the increase is. But I intend to tell them soon that I can’t keep up. We’ll have to consider other ways to hang out.

Chioma, 31

Since the first time my best friend and I went on a girl’s trip in January 2022, it’s been like an unofficial rule to do it every year. We went again in January 2023. Things are typically cheaper in January.

But we didn’t even talk about a girl’s trip this year. We sent a couple Instagram links of resort locations to each other, but we didn’t discuss logistics because we knew we couldn’t afford it. Between local flight costs — because the roads are too dangerous to even consider — accommodation and feeding, you’re already budgeting ₦500k. We’ll just make do with our imagination for now.

Tobi, 26

I used to fill my boyfriend’s car tank once a month to show love. But what used to cost me ₦40k increased to over ₦100k when the fuel subsidy was removed in 2023. I still sent the ₦40k monthly for a while because at all at all na im bad pass.

But now, I only send ₦20k occasionally because I have other bills, and things double in price every day. He understands and even sends me money occasionally. It’s just sad that I can’t be as intentional as I want to.

ALSO READ: “It’s Shameful to Just Be Collecting” – 7 Nigerians Talk About the Struggle to Gift Their Abroad Friends

Ayomide, 23

My siblings and I always go all out for my mum’s birthday. Our father is dead, so we do everything to make sure she doesn’t feel lonely on that day. In 2023, we contributed ₦150k to pay her shop rent and do a small celebration.

Her 2024 birthday is a few weeks away, but my siblings haven’t mentioned anything about contribution. We’ve talked about birthday plans but haven’t billed ourselves yet. I understand because everywhere is dry.

We want to get her a phone, but it costs over ₦200k. Something that was just about ₦100k in 2023. It’s just somehow.

Femi, 27

My girlfriend likes receiving flowers, but she specifically told me not to buy her flowers on Valentine’s Day 2024. She said I should send her the money or buy something else. I fully understand her point. Flowers used to cost ₦15k – ₦18k, but now, you hear ₦30k – ₦50k for the smallest bouquet. When it’s not like the flower will live forever.

Glory, 32

My husband and I go on fancy dates every weekend to spend time together away from the children. This typically costs ₦20k maximum, but inflation has made restaurants charge higher. When we considered the increased cost of fuel and foodstuff, we had to think twice about spending up to ₦35k on dates.

We’ve reduced the frequency to once per month since late 2023. Sometimes sef, we do indoor dates to save money. It does the same work.

Iyanu, 28

I’ve made it a habit to bring bags of foodstuff with me when I visit my mum because she always has family members staying with her. But I haven’t been able to meet up with that since 2023. When I visited her last month with only five tubers of yam and a paint bucket of garri, she called me aside to ask if all was well. It won’t be well with this government.

NEXT READ: 7 Nigerian Millennials Share Hacks for Living Through Inflation

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Tife Oni

March 8, 2024

Money, Ships

friendships, hustle, inflation, marriage, Nigerians, relationships
Every week, Zikoko seeks to understand how people move the Naira in and out of their lives. Some stories will be struggle-ish, others will be bougie. All the time, it’ll be revealing.

What’s your earliest memory of money?

One morning, when I was five years old, my family and I returned home from church, and there was no money or food to eat. I asked my mum what we’d eat, and she said, “Jesus will provide”.

Then, she told my siblings and I to dance and praise God. We did that, and she went out and came back with food. I really thought an angel dropped the money for the food on our doorstep, and I was so excited that my prayers worked. Money was a frequent topic in our house, and situations like this food incident were regular.

Why was money a frequent topic?

We didn’t always have the money we needed, so we used a scale of preference approach to spending. Whatever wasn’t important had to wait until there was money to spare. My late dad was a lecturer, my mum was an accountant — she built a school later on — and with five children, money was never enough.

Inevitably, I grew up believing that money could never be enough, which manifested as a constant urge to make money.

When was the first time you acted on this urge?

2009. I was in my second year in uni when I started taking ushering gigs. The first one I ever did paid ₦5k instead of the ₦10k I was promised. I didn’t even mind. The organisers had covered our transportation, so I had nothing to lose.

I also did some market promotion gigs for a beer brand trying to re-enter the market. I’d never been in a bar before because of my background, but the ₦30k/month was pay I couldn’t pass up.

I should mention that I had a monthly allowance of ₦10k, and I augmented this with the ushering and market promotion gigs. In my third year in uni, I decided I could take a break from pursuing money.

What happened?

Three of my siblings graduated from uni, easing the financial pressure at home. It was just my younger brother and I in school. Plus, my eldest sister got a job at a bank immediately. She also started helping out with the occasional pocket money.

The improved financial situation gave me time to pursue other interests. I’d realised I didn’t want to practise my engineering course. I only studied it because my family decided I’d be an engineer since I was good at maths. But I didn’t like it and couldn’t drop out.

Thankfully, I found a lifeline when I discovered AIESEC on campus. I finally found something I was interested in, and I focused on the activities: conference planning, talent management and marketing. It wasn’t bringing me money, though, at least not while I was still in school.

What about after school?

I landed a three-month AIESEC internship with an entertainment company in Nairobi in 2014 — a year after I left uni. The salary was 140,000 Kenyan shillings, which was about ₦70k then.

I returned to Nigeria after the internship and got another six-month internship through AIESEC at a logistics company. This time, it was a ₦90k/month role. At that point, I wasn’t sure what I wanted with my career. I was just working to earn money. Then, I got married four months into the internship. I was 24 years old.

How did that happen?

I still ask myself the same question. My mum regularly sent my sisters and me broadcast messages about the qualities of a good wife, and I subconsciously felt I had to get married. It felt like the next logical step.

So, when I started hanging out with a long-time friend who returned to Nigeria from the UK and he brought up marriage, I went with it too. We got married in 2014.

What did that mean for your career?

I got pregnant almost immediately, and I quit my job because it seemed too stressful to juggle with a pregnancy. Also, I married into a rich family that didn’t shy away from spending money, and I thought I didn’t have to bother about making money anymore.

Before we go on, is being married to a man from a rich family anything like Nollywood depicts?

We lived in my husband’s family home with his mother and siblings. Let me explain how the house worked: my husband and his siblings all dropped an amount with their mother for our monthly needs: from food to toiletries and my child’s diapers. I didn’t even know how much a cup of rice cost. It meant I never had cash for anything.

Some months into my marriage, I became uncomfortable with depending on someone else for money. I felt strange having to ask for small things like money to do my hair or get toiletries. So, immediately after I had my child in 2015, I started job-hunting and got a ₦30k/month teaching job the following year. My child was barely a year old.

What was that like? Juggling childcare with a job?

My mother-in-law helped look after my child. My husband and in-laws didn’t understand why I had to work, though. They thought I just wanted to stress myself. But I wanted to have control of my finances.

My ₦30k salary was only enough for transporting myself to work. I even trekked sometimes so the salary would last a month. I didn’t get any financial support, but I didn’t care.

How long did this go on for?

I taught at the school for two years before I left to help my mother-in-law manage her new school. That was a mistake; I never should’ve done that.

Hmm. Why?

I served as the school’s administrator for four years and didn’t get paid once. The funny thing is, people thought I was living my best life. Like, “Wow, she married a rich man. They set up a school for her, and she even has a driver.”

But I was truly broke. I couldn’t buy anything for myself or my mum during those four years. I gave my mum excuses about how we were still trying to get the school functional. In reality, I was being used, and I couldn’t leave without causing family issues, so I took it as an opportunity to gain work experience and build myself.

Did you try to do other things to earn money?

I tried my hands at tailoring when I noticed I wasn’t going to get paid. I’d learnt the craft during my first school job. I took some savings I’d gathered when I had a salary and used it to buy tailoring materials. I had two sewing machines — my wedding gifts — and I set them up in an abandoned store belonging to my in-law’s family.

Since I didn’t pay rent, they made it look as if it was their way of paying me for my work at the school. But I was barely making anything from the shop because I didn’t have a steady clientele due to my spending long hours at the school.

In 2019, I finally found an opportunity to leave the school. I was pregnant, and we’d moved out of the family house because we wanted space — my mother-in-law had issues with my husband spending late nights, and it led to a few arguments. The school was far from our new place, so I took the opportunity to leave.

What did you do next?

After I had my second child, I began paying more attention to my business. Leaving the family house opened my eyes to the fact that we didn’t really have money, and I couldn’t afford to be financially dependent.

I also registered for NYSC that year because I thought no one would employ me without a certificate. The government started paying corps members ₦33k in my second month of service. It was like heaven to me. I’d worked for so long and didn’t even know what it was like to have ₦33k.

Damn. What was running a business while serving like?

I served in the state I lived in, so it worked. I got two commission-based assistants and included fabric sales and home-based tailoring classes in my list of services. The latter was a hit. Most people interested in my classes were middle-aged housewives who didn’t want to attend fashion schools. I made ₦50k monthly from the business on average, but most of it went back to the business.

I should mention I still didn’t have my husband’s support. He wanted to keep the illusion of us being wealthy, and my working meant he didn’t have money to take care of his home. He actually didn’t have money but didn’t want people to know. I was supposed to get glammed and look the role of an “odogwu’s wife” when, in reality, I was taking care of most of the home’s expenses.

That must have been tough

It was. I kept hustling because my kids had to eat. While I was still serving, I applied for a social media manager role at an NGO. I was a 30-year-old dragging social media work with 22-year-olds. But I got the job.

The salary was ₦90k/month. My job also included scheduling therapy appointments, and I enjoyed what I did. It didn’t mean I wasn’t applying for other jobs and looking for money, sha.

LOL. Did the job search yield results?

It did. I got another school administrator role for ₦45k/month towards the end of 2020. I juggled this with the social media job and my business.

My marriage began to nosedive during this period. My husband started leaving home for days. I told him plainly that I couldn’t leave my work to be chasing him around because I had children to feed.

I knew the whole thing would crash soon, and I focused on becoming financially independent.

How were you managing three jobs?

I had been without money for too long, and I couldn’t return to that. It was a swim-or-sink situation. I’d return from school and stay up at night to do my social media job. My assistants mostly handled my tailoring business.

It was a stressful period, but I was looking ahead. If I left my husband, I’d have to sort out rent and school fees myself, and I needed something sustainable. I mean, I was already suffering, but this time, I had a goal.

Did you leave?

I left in 2021 when he became violent. I moved back with my children to my family house, and we stayed there for six months.

In 2022, I left the school and got an office admin job, which also paid ₦45k. The plan was to gather admin experience to work in a standard organisation.

To sort out accommodation, I took a housing loan from work to rent a ₦300k/year one-bedroom apartment and moved in with my kids. Then, I quit my social media role to focus on the admin job. It paid more, but it wasn’t my desired career path. I also closed down my business because my ex kept going there to cause a scene. It was too much.

Sorry about that. You went from three income sources to one. What did that mean for you?

I think I walked everywhere I went in 2022. I lost so much weight that my mum had to intervene. She took my kids for three months to give me time and space to get a grip on myself. I struggled with that because I used my children as a shield to grieve the end of my marriage. You can’t cry with kids around. They don’t give you room to be depressed.

Being alone meant I had to confront my emotions and go through all the phases of grief. After I was done with that, I took pen to paper to map out my career. I’d gotten admin experience already. The next thing to do was get a better-paying job.

How did that go?

I enrolled in a bunch of free online admin and Excel courses to upskill, and I applied to jobs like someone was pursuing me. I must have applied to 500 jobs in two months. I’d also been “promoted” to admin team lead at my workplace by this time. There was no salary increase — just the fancy name change.

In September 2022, I eventually landed my current job as an admin officer in an oil company. The funny thing is, I didn’t exactly apply for it. A recruitment agency contacted me on LinkedIn to ask if I was interested in the role. I shared my CV and did the interviews. In my head, if they asked about salary expectations, I’d say ₦150k, so I could afford to save ₦50k monthly.

I got the offer via a phone call, and the recruiter said my salary would be about ₦700k — ₦500k basic salary plus allowances.

Wow. Paint me a picture of how you reacted to this

I was speechless for a full minute. The recruiter kept asking if I was there. I thought, “How is this possible? Will I have to kill people at this company to earn that much?”

A colleague was with me at the office when the call came in, and I put the phone on speaker so they could confirm I wasn’t hearing things. Who goes from ₦45k to ₦700k just like that?

My mum thought I was being scammed and couldn’t be convinced otherwise till I received my first salary. I cried the day I got that alert. I was so overwhelmed. It was just God.

That kind of income jump probably came with some lifestyle changes as well

Not immediately. I stayed in my one-bedroom apartment for another full year, but I renovated my family house and gave my mum ₦1m to expand her school. She was there for me through my marriage wahala, and it felt so good to finally be able to give back to her.

I wasn’t in a hurry to make major lifestyle changes. I didn’t change my children’s school until I noticed I could pay two terms’ fees at once. I moved to a ₦500k/year two-bedroom apartment in September 2023 and got a car for ₦2.7m in December because the new apartment is quite a distance from my workplace.

How’s your savings goal going?

I can definitely save more than ₦50k monthly now. Specifically, I save ₦200k/month now. I’ve also built a ₦3m emergency fund. Owning land is another future investment option I’m considering.

Let’s do a breakdown of your typical monthly expenses

I get sizable allowances from work every two months, which I use for major expenses. For instance, I get a ₦2.4m housing allowance every January, and it sorts my children’s school fees and rent for the year.

How would you describe your relationship with money now?

I’m learning how to relax. I’ve had an “I need to get money” mindset for so long, and it’s a conscious effort to remind myself I’m not broke anymore. I can afford to buy ₦200k hair, but it still feels like an outrageous expense. Like, ₦200k hair when that kind of money can help ten other people?

I think I also internalised some of the things my ex said. He often accused me of being extravagant because I wanted to have my own money and not depend on him. So, maybe I’ve been subconsciously trying to prove him wrong. I thought if I bought a new bag, people would say, “Oh, no wonder she left. She probably has someone else”. But I’m deliberately moving on from that.

I want to get to a point where I don’t overthink spending on myself. Oh, I’m also finally processing my divorce.

What’s that like?

When I began the divorce proceedings in October 2023, we’d been separated for two years. My lawyer advised me to wait for two years post-separation so the courts wouldn’t delay the process by trying to give us time to sort out our differences. I’m paying ₦200k in legal fees and another ₦15k to my lawyer every time we appear in court. I’ve been in court every month since then, and it’s been quite messy. But hopefully, it’ll be sorted soon.

Rooting for you. What do you think the future looks like for you?

I’m currently studying for an MBA in Human Resources. I’m in my second semester (out of five) and have spent ₦400k on it so far.

I’d also like to take classes to become a licensed therapist in the next four years. It’s why I chose an HR-focused MBA because I’ll need to know how to understand people to help them. I needed therapy during my separation, but I couldn’t afford it. You’d hear therapists charge ₦100k per hour. I want to be able to provide affordable therapy for divorced and abused women and children.

In addition, I hope to build something like a healing shelter in the long term. I keep thinking about what would’ve happened to me if I didn’t have my family house to run to when things went south. Housing is a major reason why people stay in abusive situations.

How would you rate your financial happiness on a scale of 1-10?

8. I’m happy with my finances and even happier with the person I am right now. I know where I’m going, and I’m willing to do the work to get there. I could lose the ₦3m in my account and still be happy. I’m no longer afraid of not having money or starting over. The worst has happened, and I came out of it.

What would make that number a 10?

When I eventually become a therapist and build a shelter. I like my job — it pays my bills — but it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Is there anything else you’d like to add that I haven’t asked?

I’d just like my fellow women to know that we do ourselves a disservice when we don’t have anything that brings us money. Having your own money is better than being perceived to be rich. It’s good to get free ₦500k, but earning ₦500k will boost your confidence — knowing you can produce value. When the chips are down, that’s what you can call your own.

If you’re interested in talking about your Naira Life story, this is a good place to start.

Yes, I want to do a Naira Life

Find all the past Naira Life stories here.

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Tife Oni

March 4, 2024

Money, Naira Life

divorce, financial abuse, hustle, marriage, single mother
I was looking for stories about malice in married couples when Tiffany* (31) reached out. She talked about getting married to the first man she’s ever loved after getting pregnant at 18. She enjoyed the first few years of the marriage, but it later broke down due to fights, financial abuse and infidelity.

This is Tiffany’s story, as told to Boluwatife

Image by Freepik

I remember the exact moment I knew my marriage was over. I can still recall how my husband casually threw an “I don’t have the time” to my face in response to my suggestion that we see a marriage counsellor. Before that, we hadn’t said a word to each other for seven months.

I met my husband, Ade*, at university in 2009. I was a fresh-faced 17-year-old first-year student excited to be finally free from the control of her strict parents.

I’m the first child of a family of five, and like most Nigerian first daughters can relate to, my mum took it upon herself to make sure I didn’t “spoil”. My life was a school, church and home rotation from primary to secondary school. I never went anywhere else, even on school excursions.

So, even before I finished secondary school, I knew university was my only chance at freedom. I convinced my mum, using the university’s academic ratings and impressive alumni network, to let me pick a school two states away from where we lived. Of course, I didn’t drop any hint that I wanted to stay far away from her, or it wouldn’t have worked.

I was in that state of freedom-induced-excitement when I met Ade. He was a classmate and was so handsome. I had a crush on him before he even asked me out. When he did, I said yes immediately. He was 20 at the time.

Ours was a whirlwind romance that resulted in me getting pregnant the following year at 18. When I found out, I thought, “Surely, my mother will kill me.” In retrospect, pregnancy shouldn’t have come as a surprise because, naively, we only used the withdrawal method of contraception. We were both too shy to buy condoms or seek out other ways to prevent pregnancy.

We tried abortion, but the pill he gave me didn’t do anything. We were still trying to figure out the next step when my mum visited me in school unexpectedly. I was four weeks pregnant then, but apparently, she’d had a dream where someone told her I was pregnant and warned her to make sure I didn’t get an abortion. On hearing that, I had no choice but to confess. Surprisingly, she wasn’t angry. I think she was still scared I’d go ahead with the abortion. When she asked about Ade’s plan to provide for me and the unborn child, I said, “We’ll get married”.

Ade and I hadn’t discussed marriage before then, but it seemed like the logical next step. If we were keeping the baby and we loved each other, why not just get married now rather than later?

I talked to him about it, and he was on board. Again, we were both naive. My mum was relieved that we wouldn’t bring shame to the family, while my dad worried about how we would survive as a family. Ade’s parents met mine, and they (his parents) promised to support us financially for the remaining years we had in school. We got married in 2010. I was 19, and he was 22.

ALSO READ: I Had an Abortion All by Myself at 16

The early years of marriage weren’t as tough as you’d expect with married undergraduates. When I had my child, she spent more time at my mum’s and mother-in-law’s. It was their way of ensuring I focused at school. So, it was just Ade and I, and we were still obsessed with each other.

Image by Freepik

The real problem started when we graduated. Financial support from his family became inconsistent, and jobs weren’t forthcoming. Our child also started living with us. The pressure started to affect us, and we fought a lot, almost weekly. Anytime he was angry, he’d stop talking to me until I folded and apologised.

Things started to look better in 2014 when Ade finally got a well-paying job. He was supposed to bring in the money while I took care of the home and our four-year-old child. It sounded like a good plan, until it wasn’t.

He became financially abusive. If I asked for money for the smallest things like baby medicine, he’d groan and complain about how he works all day but can’t enjoy his money. He even started keeping tabs on the food items. If I boiled a cup of rice when he wasn’t home, he’d notice and complain.

My mum advised me to get a job to support the family’s income. So, I found a teaching job that allowed me to leave my child in the school’s daycare for free. But it didn’t stop his complaints. The new issue became how I’d started to make dinner late and didn’t have time for him.

I was still trying my best to get things to how they were before when I discovered he was cheating on me. I’d suspected for a while that he was hiding something, so I decided to check his phone one day. Apparently, he was dating someone in his office. I confronted him about it, and he turned it back on me. It became, “How dare you snoop through my phone?”

He stopped talking to me as usual, and I was determined not to apologise this time. He was cheating on me, for God’s sake! He stopped eating at home, and I also stopped cooking for him. We didn’t greet each other at all, and he even started sleeping in the sitting room. He even took it out on our child. If she asked him for a snack, he’d tell her to “Go and ask your mother”. We just ran out of things to say to each other.

It went on like that for seven months until my mother came to visit one day and noticed the tension. She was angry I’d let it fester for so long and made me promise to make amends. After she left, I asked him about seeing a marriage counsellor, and you know how that went.

That incident happened in 2016, and it was the beginning of the end. When he started staying away from the house for multiple consecutive days and speaking loudly on the phone to ladies whenever he was around, I knew I had to leave. My parents weren’t in support, but I moved out with my child in July 2016. The headteacher at the school where I worked was a good friend, and she allowed me to move into the school nurse’s quarters.

It’s been almost seven years since I left, and Ade has never called to know my whereabouts. His family was aware when I left, but apart from calling once in a while to check on my daughter, they made no attempts to reconcile us or make sure he was even doing his part for his child’s upkeep. Thankfully, I’m reasonably well-off financially and can take care of my child.

I still can’t pinpoint exactly what went wrong with us. Maybe it was life, or probably he just fell out of love. Maybe I should’ve handled things better. But it’s too late to start thinking of “what-ifs”. Last I heard from friends, he’d japa.

My child is asking more questions now, and I’m torn between reaching out to him to get closure for her or just ignoring her questions. For now, I’m delaying the inevitable.

NEXT READ: My Best Friend and I Plan to Marry Each Other if We’re Still Single at 30

Tife Oni

August 3, 2023

Her, Ships

infidelity, love, malice, marriage, Nigerians, relationships
(Zikoko arrives at 5pm, sweating profusely after waiting all day for this interview)

Zikoko: Good evening sir (Gives the Nigerian nod of respect). I’ve been waiting outside since 7 am.

Ikoyi Registry: Sorry, that was the 200th couple this week.

Zikoko: Mad o

Ikoyi Registry: It’s crazy. So, how can I help you?

Zikoko: We’ve been looking for you so we can talk about the scarcity of appointment dates but you’re more unavailable than Davido. What’s going on?

Ikoyi Registry: Nigerians won’t let me rest.

Zikoko: What did they do?

Ikoyi Registry: They want to kill me with work. Wedding every single day. Don’t you people get tired? Because I am o.

Zikoko: You’re meant to join people together, not put asunder. You have no choice in this matter, dear.

Ikoyi Registry: You can’t tell me what to do

Zikoko: Oya, what do you want to do?

Ikoyi Registry: Why are you people always getting married? Even as you’re always at each other’s neck on the internet.

Zikoko: Of course, we are. Lagos men are trash.

Ikoyi Registry: My records say otherwise.

Zikoko: That’s your problem. What are you going to do about how hard it is to book appointments with you? Do something and do it fast, please.

Ikoyi Registry: I’m not doing anything. I just want to retire. Two needs to stop becoming one every day.

Zikoko: That’s none of your business now, what’s your purpose for existing again?

Ikoyi Registry: So, I should come and die?

Zikoko: Oya calm down. What do you want people to do? They shouldn’t get married again?

Ikoyi Registry: Tone it down a little. Or plan it amongst yourselves and try not to kill me with work. I have my own relationships too.

Zikoko: With who, Nigeria?

Ikoyi Registry: Get out of my office. Security!

NEXT READ: Interview With the Naira: “Just Add a Little Yeast”

Sheriff Alimi

July 13, 2023

Inside Life

Ikoyi registry, Inside life, interview with…, marriage
Recently, American actress Gabrielle Union and her husband became the subject of multiple internet think pieces after she revealed they take a 50/50 approach to their finances as a married couple.

Considering Nigeria’s mainly patriarchial society that still pushes the male-head-of-household mantra, I reached out to married Nigerian women to confirm whether there are Nigerian homes that employ the 50/50 approach to finances, too. It turns out, there are.

“At least, nobody can call me a burden” — Tola*, 33

I got married immediately after graduating from the university in 2015. I didn’t have a job, but he made enough money for both of us. He never complained about it, and I didn’t think getting a job was necessary. When we had twins in 2017, he began to murmur about expenses. One day, I asked him for money for a friend’s asoebi, and he said, “Do you want to kill me with demands?” I reported him to an older friend who told me to get something to do if I didn’t want my husband to develop hypertension.

When my children turned six months, I told my husband I wanted to find a job. He agreed, and luckily, I found a job quickly and got my sister to live with us and help out with the kids. Now, I give him half of my salary immediately it enters and still buy things in the house. My family usually says, “Isn’t your husband supposed to be taking care of you?” I don’t care. At least nobody can call me a burden.

“It just works” — Precious*, 29

My husband and I have a joint account, (separate from our personal accounts), where we send half of our salaries at the end of every month. It’s money from this account we use to sort out household expenses. We’ve done that for two years now, and it works for us. When money in the joint account isn’t sufficient for a particular expense, my husband makes up the difference.

“It’s my way of showing support” — Lolade*, 27

My husband and I have always gone 50/50, even before marriage. We’d go 50/50 for major dates and did the same for our wedding. Now, he handles household expenses like rent, fuel and major home repairs, while I handle groceries, data and Netflix bills, and little needs. When we have kids, we’ll also figure out a way to split. I earn more than he does, so it’s my way of showing support.

“It’s quite tough” — Mimi*, 36

My husband is really conservative. If not for the state of the nation, he wouldn’t even allow me to work at all. He got me a clothes retail shop some years ago on the condition that I’d use my income to support the home. It started out well, but recently, I’ve had to take up almost 70% of the household expenses, including the children’s school fees. He’s usually owed salaries at his workplace, so most times, we have to borrow from my business. This money hardly gets refunded. It’s quite tough because I have zero savings, and I can’t even complain because it’d seem like I’m being disrespectful.

RELATED: “My Take-Home Salary Doesn’t Take Me Home” – 7 Nigerian Blue-Collar Workers on Their Incomes

“We only go 50/50 on rent” — Nana*, 28

When we decided to move to Lekki to be closer to work in 2021, we agreed that we’d have to split the ₦3m rent because neither of us could afford it alone. That’s the only thing we split 50/50. For other household expenses, we just attend to them as they come. He can buy foodstuff at the supermarket on his way home today, and I can remember we need engine oil when I step out tomorrow and just buy it.

“It’s not a rigid arrangement” — Chinny*, 30

My husband and I each earn below ₦100k per month, and we know it’s impossible to have an average standard of living if we rely on only one person’s salary. So, we pool half of our resources together to settle the bills and school fees of our two kids. It’s not a rigid arrangement. Some months, I may take up 70% of the expenses, and other times it’s 40%. We just do whatever we can to survive.

“It sometimes feels unfair” — Glory*, 31

My husband and I decided to go 50/50 when I got a job that paid more than his in 2021, but it sometimes feels unfair. I only agreed to go 50/50 when money started being an issue in the house. He felt I had money but was comfortable with him being broke, so I agreed to the arrangement to let peace reign. His idea of 50/50 doesn’t apply to household chores. I still do everything in the home. I’ve brought this up a number of times, but he takes it to mean I want to start ordering him around because I have money. If I can support him with the finances, why can’t he support me with chores?

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: 6 Women on the Burden of Being Breadwinners in Their Families

Tife Oni

June 21, 2023

Her, Money

50/50, Finances, hustle, marriage, money, personal finance, relationships
You’re the groom’s right hand man on his wedding day and everything that leads up to it. But do you know you fit the role only for these reasons?

To be the bodyguard

The groom knows that in the event of a disruption, you can throw hands. Before they get to him and stain him and his bride’s white, you’d be there to defend them.

Zikoko Meme

You’re the perfect hypeman

You’re not the MC, but your energy is unmatched. How will the wedding party be the talk of the town without you, the life of the party? The bride and groom can’t be too tired to turn up for their wedding day; your duty is to ginger them.

Zikoko Meme

Your managerial skills

Yes, there’s a wedding planner, but this is still a Nigerian wedding. While making sure the planner makes sure the DJ arrives early, you’re helping the groom vibe check the venue’s setup and ensuring all your friends are comfortably fed. Nobody will make sure of these things better than you.

Zikoko Meme

The groom needs a getaway driver

Like those Hollywood movies from the 1980s, your best friend and his bride will be in the backseat while you race them away from those who want to delay their wedding night.

Zikoko Meme

ATTENTION

Zikoko

You’re the responsible one

The groom is excited about his big day, but he can’t have too much to drink or act irresponsibly. So he knew he had to do the right thing and have you behind him every step of the way.

Zikoko Meme

Single pringle

They called on you to be the best man because everyone else is already married. Take it as practice for your own wedding.

Atunbi

You have the most experience

You’ve been the best man for five friends and more than three relatives. At this point, one would think you do it for a living. Your experience is well sought out for.

Zikoko Meme

Tomide Marv

June 13, 2023

Man Dem

Man dem, marriage, Nigerian Men, Nigerians
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.

Please, tell me everything that led to your pastor arranging your marriage

It was in 1993. I was a committed worker in a popular church that was a haven for people looking for miracles during the late 80s/early 90s when revivals were extremely popular in Nigeria.

At 37, I was doing well for myself. I was a senior manager at a bank, my two younger brothers lived with me, and I comfortably provided for all of us. The only thing was I was unmarried. While I wasn’t particularly unhappy, especially at that stage in my life, people around me took it up as a prayer point.

And because I was really active in church for many years, my pastor kept promising I’d marry soon.

How did he make this happen?

It was during one of our special services on June 13, 1993. I’ll never forget it because it was the day after we went out in our numbers to vote for Abiola. My pastor was leading a prayer session, after which he called out to the congregation for all the single people to stand up. After some more prayer, he started picking those who stood up in twos — a man, a woman, a man, a woman, like that — and telling them, “That’s your husband. That’s your wife”.

He got to me and paired me with someone, one of those men who didn’t always come to church but often donated large sums. He was a typical Lagos society man from one of the elite Yoruba families. Our pastor prophesied that God had anointed us to be man and wife, and all that remained was for us to wed.

And just like that, you married the man?

Yes.

The wedding happened in November of that same year. We tried to court while meeting each other’s families and planning the wedding, but we hardly had time to breathe between work and social activities. He was a widower who already had two kids around age ten. But I wasn’t too concerned about taking care of them because I knew I could afford hired help even if he wasn’t willing to.

There was a bit of friction between families because I’m Igbo. But my pastor was well-known and loved then. So it was a thing of joy and honour that he’d personally anointed our wedding, and everyone did their best to behave.

How was the wedding?

It was a huge society wedding; the talk of town. I look back on it now with both longing and disgust because it was big and beautiful yet we barely knew each other. How were we able to go through with it? Why did anyone allow it to happen? My parents were late at the time, otherwise, I’m sure my mother would’ve never allowed it.

What happened after the wedding?

Around a month in, I knew we weren’t compatible because he expected me to be this domestic wife and was passive-aggressive about me quitting my job. But I kept going because I believed it was the will of God for us to be together.

RELATED: What She Said: I Love Jesus, But I’m a Closet Lesbian

Why do I feel like you stopped believing this soon after?

He stopped attending our church in the third month of our marriage, and I found out he was really a Muslim. He only went to a few of my pastor’s services because of his popular ministry which drew a large crowd. It was more of a political move; my ex-husband is an active member of a well-known political party.

He was completely uninterested in Christianity and often made fun of it, using my eagerness to marry him because my pastor said so as a reason. He told me he’d just wanted someone submissive to stay home and take care of his children.

What was it like after hearing his true thoughts and intentions?

For a while, it was just disappointing.

During our courtship, he gave me the impression that he was excited to marry me. He’d tell me how beautiful I was, how he admired the way I’d preserved my beauty and also built a respectable career. He’d even compare me to his mum who was a formidable woman in society then. She was a well-known fabric merchant, an enterprising woman who raised her four children alone after her husband died early. Everyone knew her story, and I always felt good that he held me in the same esteem.

Hearing his true thoughts months into our marriage shattered that impression and even confused me. But what really made me angry was how he started interfering with my work and undermining my career.

What was the last straw for you in that regard?

I was up for a huge promotion that would’ve made me jump from general manager to acting senior general manager because the sitting SGM left suddenly. It wasn’t official yet, but I got to know about it and made the mistake of sharing the news with him.

This man then spoke to one of the executive directors of the bank, who was one of his drinking partners. The gossip that came back to me was that my husband didn’t think I was ready for the role since I was just getting used to my new role as his wife, and I wasn’t even focusing enough on the children.

No!

Those were the kind of ridiculous statements men could boldly make in those days and actually be taken seriously. That’s how I was bypassed, and the role was given to a guy who’d just become general manager some months before. Less than a year later, they confirmed him as senior general manager.

I’d started second-guessing myself because of the sudden change of management’s mind, but because things don’t stay secret within a bank for long, I got to know that the order came from my husband, who wasn’t even involved in the bank professionally. After that, we had our first real fight where he got physical. This was about five months in.

Physical, how?

I was ranting, screaming at him around the house because I was livid. He suddenly charged at me and punched me in the stomach. I remember exactly how it happened; his face and eyes were so scary in that moment, and I couldn’t recognise him.

Right after, he left the house and didn’t come back till the next week, filled with apologies. The punch hurt so much, I just called in sick that week and laid in bed, crying.

If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell me why

When did you decide to leave him?

Maybe not immediately after that punch, but before long, I started considering it. I wasn’t comfortable in the house.

Although he never hit me again, there were little things that made it clear we weren’t in a partnership and I was just a visitor. Like, we’d be in the TV room having a casual conversation, but once something more sensitive — something about his close friends or financials — came up, he’d just get nasty and tell me off.

It was always a sharp statement like, “That’s none of your business” or “What kind of question is that?” And he never thought there was anything wrong with his snide comments. He could just continue on with the casual conversation like nothing ever happened.

Did he ask about your own business?

Not really, but he often interfered.

He always tried to convince me to sign over my properties to him. I didn’t understand why I’d want to do that. Also, he had so many properties of his own; why did he want mine too? His logic was he was my husband, and so, they were legally his anyway. And that he’d be better at protecting them than I could.

Interesting

One time, he planned a vacation for only himself and his children. When I asked about it, he claimed he’d just gotten used to being a single dad. I was so hurt, I stubbornly didn’t follow them to travel, but maybe I should’ve. I don’t know. I just couldn’t handle the process it seemed we needed to actually be a real couple. I also hadn’t fully forgiven him for meddling in the career I worked so hard to build.

So quietly, day after day, I considered leaving. It was only shame about what people would say, how our pastor would feel, that made me hesitate for so long. I wanted to help my pastor save face, to not show the world that he, that God, had failed. Then one day, I realised the pastor himself was a politician.

A what? How did you discover this?

I started meeting him at more and more social outings I attended with my ex-husband from time to time. These were exclusive society events only big politicians — the most wealthy, decadent ones — and powerful people in the corporate world attended.

And there he would be, looking just as ostentatious as them. The more I met him at these things, the less he sat well with me. The whole thing just seemed like one big joke. And that exposure actually made my faith falter for some time.

What did you do in the end?

Exactly two weeks to our first wedding anniversary, I woke up one morning. And instead of getting ready for work, I packed my most important belongings and moved back to my house, where luckily, my brothers were still keeping things up for me. They were shocked to see me because I didn’t warn them ahead, but I told them not to ask me any questions. They never have, till today.

How did your ex react to this move?

He never came for me, if that’s what you’re asking. He never called my house or office. It was as if I was never in his life even. Two years later, he sent his lawyers over with divorce papers.

RELATED: What She Said: I Was Twice Divorced at 28 and Happier Than Ever

Wow

I honestly don’t understand why he even went through with the wedding. He really didn’t need me in his life, so why waste my time? I don’t know. He could’ve just asked if I was interested in leaving my career to fully rely on him as a homemaker beforehand. I would’ve said no and saved him the trouble.

And he wouldn’t have found it hard to find a willing woman, him being such a well-positioned man.

Right? Did you ever ask him why?

Yes, and his response was, “What kind of question is that?” Haha.

It’s good that I had that experience in my life. It was an interesting one and adds colour to my mostly career-related life. But I feel so much more satisfied outside the marriage that I’m inclined to think it’s not compulsory for everyone to marry. I don’t feel I’m missing anything.

If there’s one thing I miss from the marriage though, it’s his children. Oh, they were lovely. So well-adjusted and grounded. He did a good job raising them on his own, I give him that. I honestly regret not having my own kids. That’s the only thing I’d say I regret, family-wise, not marriage.

Not to sound rude. But why did you never marry in your 20s or early 30s, like most people do?

It just happened; you don’t plan for these things. Or perhaps, other people plan, and that’s why it works out for them. It’s possible.

For me, I was dating a man for five and a half years from when I was about 28, and I was sure he was the one I’d marry. When we were finally ready for a wedding, he jilted and relocated to America a week after family introductions. I just noticed his house phone was no longer going through, and he’d quit at his own bank.

Ahh. Did you ever see him again?

No. But he called me from over there a month later, saying he’d won a US visa lottery and didn’t want to have to get me involved and possibly complicate the relocation process. Someone he would’ve married in some months if he hadn’t gotten the visa? Anyway, he asked me to forgive him, and by the next year, I heard he’d married someone else.

I’m so sorry

I was heartbroken. I felt betrayed. But I didn’t dwell on it. My work helped me pull through, and I never got into another serious relationship until my ill-fated marriage.

If you could go back in time, would you still marry your ex-husband the way you did?

Knowing what I know now, why would I? It was a waste of time. I gained nothing from it if not experience. But luckily, I lost nothing from it too.

For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women-like content, click here

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Lolade Alaka

May 17, 2023

Her, What She Said

Church, marriage, Nigerian, relationships, Women
As told to Boluwatife

Image: Ogo

The first time I heard that taking your husband’s surname after marriage stemmed from patriarchy was in 2018 on Facebook.

This feminist had made a whole note explaining how women who did it didn’t have minds of their own and were changing their identities for a man. Such women are oppressed and have been conditioned to stay chained to the shackles of patriarchy.

Many of her fans commented in agreement, but while I partly agreed, I objected to the notion that women who did it were oppressed. What about those who chose to do it? I commented the same, and she descended on me, saying something about the patriarchy being so subconsciously ingrained in us that we’ve been conditioned not to see anything wrong with it. Not one for online arguments, I said nothing else, but it stayed with me.

My logic behind treating a married woman’s name-change as a choice might seem flawed, but maybe my story will explain my stance.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve hated the surname I was born with. It’s an unusual name, and I remember almost every new teacher in primary school asking me to tell them the meaning. My father is very traditional, so he made sure we knew the meaning of all our names as soon as we could talk. Translated into English from Yoruba, it means something like “worshipping an idol”, and it never sat right with me.

I soon learnt to pretend not to know the meaning when I left primary school. It almost always involved long explanations that made me the centre of the class’s attention for about ten minutes. Sometimes, my classmates would chorus the meaning when a teacher asked, because they’d already heard it multiple times. I found it off-putting.

A rare depiction of my actual reaction. Image: Zikoko memes

When I turned 18, I told my dad I wanted to change my surname legally, and he kicked against it. Unfortunately for him, I inherited his stubbornness, so we fought about it for weeks. My mother had to step in to stop the cold war between us. She told me I could easily change it when I got married, so what was I fussing about?

When I started thinking about marriage at 22, my potential spouse’s surname played a significant role. Imagine marrying someone surnamed “Sangonimi” (I am Sango), for instance, and jumping from frying pan to fire. I remember confiding in my best friend about it. She laughed so much I thought she’d choke. I eventually agreed it was childish and decided if the man I married had a “strange” surname, I’d just use his first name as my married surname. Thankfully, my husband has a “normal” surname, and I didn’t have to resort to that. I just wanted to change my name, and this social rule helped.

Recently, the (false) Hakimi Twitter gist brought back the name-change conversation. But while I understand that this surname matter has been a tool for men to claim ownership of their wives, I think outrightly labelling it oppression fosters the belief that women don’t have a choice in the matter. Maybe historically, we didn’t, but Nigerians have become more progressive. I’ve met several women who didn’t change their names after getting married, and I know many who did because they wanted to.

I may be wrong, but the emphasis should be on allowing women to choose what they want to do and accepting the choices without attributing said choices to oppression.

*Subject’s name has been changed for the sake of anonymity.

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RECOMMENDED READ: I Was Married Three Years Before My Husband Knew I Had Kids

Tife Oni

May 4, 2023

Her

Feminism, marriage, Nigerians, patriarchy in nigeria, Women, women in nigeria
The topic of how young Nigerians navigate romantic relationships with their earnings is a minefield of hot takes. In Love Currency, we get into what relationships across income brackets look like in different Nigerian cities.

Image Source: Unsplash (Actual subjects are anonymous)

Obi* is a 28-year-old product manager living in Berlin while his wife is in Lagos. In this week’s Love Currency, he talks about landing a first date because she thought he was someone else, proposing while surrounded by their favourite foods and choosing to work in Germany because of her.

Occupation and location

Product manager living in Berlin, Germany.

Monthly income

My take-home salary is about $4k after tax.

Monthly and recurring relationship expenses

First date: ₦30k at a restaurant in VI

Her birthday (2021): ₦10 – 20k restaurant date and ₦200k cash gift

Her birthday (2022): $1k cash gift

Wedding ring: ₦500k

Business loans: Nothing over ₦1m

Miscellaneous: the occasional ₦100 – 200k

How did you meet your wife?

I was scrolling through Instagram in January 2021 when I came across a reel of her redesigning a space; she’s an interior designer. I enjoyed watching videos of her work, and she was also pretty. So I followed her and started sending responses to her stories — a clapping emoji here, heart eyes there.

A few weeks later, I slid into her DMs to ask her name since it wasn’t on the page. She told me, I asked if we could grab lunch together, and we started discussing arrangements. At some point, she confessed that she only agreed because she’d mistaken my DM for someone else she’d been talking to on Instagram.

Did the date still happen?

Yes. We’d gone far into the planning, so why not? We agreed to have dinner at a restaurant in VI. We ended up talking through the night till the restaurant told us they wanted to close. Our food even ran cold. We’d ordered lamb, some seafood and drinks — everything cost around ₦30k.

I lived in Abuja at the time and was supposed to returnthe next day but postponed it because I wanted to see her again.

Did you?

Yes, a few days later, she told me about a meeting near my house, and I asked her to meet me at a restaurant afterwards. We talked and played the “36 questions to fall in love” game, which left us feeling emotionally vulnerable. It was late, and the restaurant was closing, so we decided to walk the short distance back to my place.

When we got there, she sat on my table because she didn’t like my couch. After trying unsuccessfully to get a ride, she decided to spend the night but insisted on staying in the living room. I brought out a mat I had, and she offered her password for us to watch Netflix movies. At some point, I tried to cuddle and kiss her, but she quickly shot that down, and we went back to watching movies till we fell asleep. After she left, we started talking regularly on WhatsApp, and she even visited me in Abuja.

How did that happen?

Towards the end of March 2021, she said she wished I was in Lagos to celebrate my birthday in April together. So I got her a ticket to Abuja which cost ₦20k – 30k, but Lagos traffic happened, and she missed the flight. The only other available flight that day was about ₦70k, and we both agreed it was a lot of money. I gave up on seeing her, but later that day, she showed up at my door to surprise me. She’d paid the remaining ₦40k for the ticket. That was the best part of my birthday that year.

How was her stay in Abuja?

She stayed just over a week, and we went out two times; one was to a friend’s birthday party. The other times we left the house were when she accompanied me to the coffee shop I worked from or on our regular evening walks around my estate.

She prefers to cook her food or order online rather than eat out. She also doesn’t drink or enjoy the nightlife, so getting her to leave the house is always a struggle. I thought this was a good time to ask her to date me, but this babe said no.

AH

I can’t remember her reason, but I figured it was because I was younger by a year. She went back to Lagos, and things went back to normal until I decided to move back to Lagos.

Sir, what about your job?

I was working remotely for an international agency that paid $7,500 – $8k a month, so I could afford to move around.

Fair

I got to Lagos, and we went back to normal. She’d visit my place, and sometimes, I’d visit hers. During one of her weekend visits in June 2021, she saw me swiping on Bumble, and her countenance changed. We tried to talk about it because I didn’t understand why she was mad, and she said it was disrespectful. After she left, we didn’t talk for a whole week, but she reached out saying she was ready for a relationship.

What was it like being in a relationship with her?

Not much changed. We tried to go out more, but she’d either look bored or talk about the decor. Sometimes, we’d even have to find an excuse to leave the restaurant after realising we didn’t like their menu.

We spent most of our time indoors at each other’s houses, talking and watching movies.

What about special occasions?

We planned to go out for her birthday in September 2021, but the traffic was ridiculous. So we walked to a restaurant near her house and ate the best swallow. It was on the mainland, so it wasn’t expensive — like ₦10 – 20k. I also sent her ₦200k as her gift.

Do you gift each other regularly?

We buy things for each other sometimes, but we usually send money. For instance, for Christmas 2021, I got her shoes, sneakers, a leather bag and necklace. For her birthday the following year, I sent her $1k. Other times, I give her my card to pay for stuff, or send her the occasional ₦100k – ₦200k when she wants something.

What does she give you?

She got me a cake, small chops and food from our favourite restaurants for my 2022 birthday. It’s hard to keep track, but sometimes, I could say I’m low on cash, and she’d send me ₦50k – ₦100k. She also made me a native and co-ord wear once.

At what point did you decide to japa?

After my contract with the foreign company ended, I started looking for something long-term. I was also thinking about the 2023 election. After the trauma of the #EndSARS protests, I didn’t want to be around for this election.

She mentioned once that she’d learnt German during her NYSC, so I decided to look for job opportunities there. I applied to two places and got a job offer from one of them a few days later. This was in May, and because we’d already met each other’s families, and I wanted her to go with me, I decided to propose.

How did that go?

I struggled to find the perfect ring. Over time, I asked her questions so I could figure out the particular ring she wanted. I contacted someone in Abuja who made custom rings, and he made one for ₦500k. It was supposed to be delivered on Friday, but it didn’t come till Saturday morning, and she wanted to go back home later that same day.

Omo

I quickly ordered food from all our favourite places to keep her from leaving. And as we sat gisting, surrounded by small chops, rice and abacha, I asked her, “Baby, do you wanna do life?”

Aww

We had our court wedding in August 2022, and I travelled in September.

How has the long-distance marriage been?

We talk multiple times every day. I also hoped to be back in Nigeria in March, 2023, but the election didn’t go as planned, so we’re back to preparing for her to join me.

Do you have conversations about money?

Yes. Sometimes, I lend her money for her decor business, nothing over ₦1m at once. And she keeps track of everything without me having to ask. She even makes me specify if it’s a loan or a gift whenever I send her money.

Do you have a financial safety net?

I have over $50k in stocks, cryptocurrency and USD savings.

What’s your ideal financial future as a couple?

I want a mixture of investments and business that’ll bring in residual income. I want to work because I want to, not because I need to. My wife wants to get to a point where she can focus on interior design and make money for the year without adding furniture making.

RELATED: An Open Relationship on a ₦73k Monthly Income

If you’re interested in talking about how money moves in your relationship, this is a good place to start.

Yes, I want to share my story

Meyimi O.

March 14, 2023

Money, Ships

Germany, long distance marriage, Love Currency, marriage
When Derin* married her campus fellowship friend-turned-love interest, politics was the last thing she saw in their future. She talks about why she decided to follow his lead, fearing for her children’s safety and other challenges when you’re in the public eye.

This is Derin’s story, as told to Boluwatife

Pexels

When we met, Debo* was a mild-mannered church boy. We became close friends, and soon realised we had similar dreams, We were simple people who just wanted to do business and serve God with our finances.

He proposed marriage to me soon after I graduated from Lagos State University in 2011. We’d actually met there, in the campus fellowship I joined in my second year. He was in his finals.

We got married in 2012, and had two kids in succession. We didn’t lack anything. His real estate business was growing steadily, and I was into retailing female fashion items. We’re both quite entrepreneurial, so the long-term goal was to build a business empire. We’d own multiple businesses and support the church financially. And we were on track, until politics entered the picture.

I should mention that all through our years of friendship and brief courtship before marriage, politics was never in the picture. No reaction to national issues or conversations gave the tiniest idea that he’d someday be interested in politics. Business and church had always been his priorities. We were — and still are — very religious, so we just focused on God guiding us through the way and blessing the works of our hands.

Then in 2016 — four years into our marriage — people started coming to him to talk about politics. He had become quite successful in real estate, which meant he had access to an impressive network of people. They told him how much real impact he’d make if he were part of the people making decisions that affected the nation and even the business sector. He relayed their suggestions to me, and I wasn’t in support.

Everyone knows politics is a dirty and often violent game. I didn’t even think he was seriously considering it till he woke up one day and said he would become a card-carrying member of one of the popular parties. I kicked against it. This was a party known for thuggery and corruption, but he assured me he wasn’t actually running for office, he was only joining. According to him, there was no way to make light take the place of the darkness in our society if the light decided to cower away. I had to agree.

He eventually became fairly active. He’d attend their meetings and conventions, which seemed to triple in frequency as election season drew closer. His weekends became filled with party activities. I hated it, but I could do nothing except pray for him and hope his interest would end with becoming a member. It didn’t. He came home one day in late 2018 and said he felt God was leading him to contest in the 2019 elections for a federal representative seat in his hometown.

This was a big shock for two primary reasons. One, we weren’t in the habit of making significant decisions without agreeing as a family and seeking God’s approval together. Two, when did running for office enter the picture? We had extensive talks about it, and again, I agreed though I wasn’t so sure about it. He’s my husband, I have to follow his lead. Apart from the somehow-ness of politics, I’m also not a big fan of begging people to “Please, vote for me”. There’s this desperation attached to it that doesn’t sit well with me.

He picked the form and started campaigning in earnest. The first hurdle to cross was the party primary elections. I think two people from his party were also seeking the party’s ticket. The campaigns meant he had to leave our home in Lagos a lot to oversee things in his hometown. I also tried to attend some of the campaign efforts.

I wasn’t as involved in the campaigns as he was because it really wasn’t my thing, and less attention was placed on the spouses since it was still just the primaries.

We had to start moving with armed police officers though, because joining politics automatically opens you up to more eyes. We also had to take down pictures of our children from social media just to be safe. Our finances really took a hit during this period because most of the campaign efforts were out of pocket. Most of which involved providing relief packages for his constituency, refurbishing a water distribution system, and all those small small monies here and there to community heads to boost popularity.

RELATED: How Does Campaign Fundraising Work in Nigeria?

These tactics seemed to work because he became something like a household name. According to his team on the ground, his campaign materials were everywhere and the people knew his name. He was like the people’s favourite to win the primaries.

Then one day, the party leaders called him aside and suggested he entered into some sort of covenant with them so they’d be assured of his loyalty if he eventually got the party’s ticket and won the House of Representatives elections. It already sounded diabolical, and my husband refused. He assured them he had the party’s interests at heart and that they could take his word for it. They obviously weren’t pleased with that response because after he won the first primary election, they cancelled it due to some “irregularities” they noticed and slated a date for a re-run.

On the eve of the re-run, they came out to say they didn’t want an election again, stating that the party stakeholders had appointed someone to represent the party instead. That’s how my husband’s ambitions ended.

I’m somewhat relieved, but it feels like it’s just the start of his political career. He didn’t run in the 2023 elections, but we’re already in the public eye. It means I can’t tweet anything I like or even go to the cinema alone for a late-night movie, and I’m still concerned for his and our children’s safety once in a while.

I know 2019 won’t be the last time he’ll try to run for office, because I sense how uneasy he feels about the state of the nation. His favourite line now is, “We need godly people in government.” He may not run now, but definitely when the political landscape changes for the better. For me, I’m just prepping myself to pray for and support him when the time comes.

*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

NEXT READ: I Hate Spending My Own Money

Tife Oni

March 2, 2023

Her

Inside life, marriage, nigerian politicians, Nigerian politics, Politics
We’ll know from your answer what you’re likely to do after your marriage. So take this quiz to find out.

Meyimi O.

February 13, 2023

In Your Feels, Quizzes

honeymoon, marriage, vacation
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

The subjects of this Love Life are Blessing* and Tunde* who are both 30. They tell us about meeting through work, two failed proposal attempts and how Tunde pulled what he considers the “greatest scam of all time” by making sure they got married on their shared birthday.

Click here if you want to be interviewed for Zikoko Love Life

Did you know you had the same birthday before you met?

Blessing: Well, I did.

Tunde: Because she was stalking me.

Blessing: I was doing my job. On December 31st, 2018, my line manager told me to review the CV of a guy who came highly recommended. His birthday was on his CV, and it was the same as mine. So I checked his name on social media to see what he looked like. In his profile picture, he was wearing a waistcoat, looking like a good boy.

Tunde: I don’t even own a waistcoat. What are you saying?

Blessing: I even forgot about it until February 2019 when he started working in the office. I remember the first day I saw him. He was wearing a blue shirt with grey pants, and I said to myself, “Who is this brother?” He looked like such a church boy. I smiled at him, and we had a chat.

Tunde: Abi, you fell in love at first sight?

Blessing: Lai lai. I did not at all.

Tunde: You won’t sweeten this story to make your life great? Anyways, now that you’ve said your own, let me say my own version.

Blessing: My version is the truth, and all you need to know.

Tunde: When you were talking, I didn’t interrupt you. So let me say my own o.

Oya, Tunde, speak your truth

Tunde: They gave her my CV, and she was blown away so she decided to check me out online. When she saw I was a fine boy, she knew she had to work with me. That’s when she started recommending me to the manager.

Blessing: That’s a very big lie.

Tunde: But our coworker said you fought for me to join the team.

Blessing: Your CV was impressive, and I did look for you on social media, but only because of the birthday thing. I didn’t give a shit if they hired you or not. I just needed to get the work done.

Tunde: We ended up working in the same team and reported to the same manager. Our manager told me you fought for me.

Blessing: You won’t talk about how you saw my big bumbum and became confused?

Tunde: Who told you that one?
Blessing: Your friends did.

Tunde: I remember seeing her for the first time in the office, dark-skinned with her big bum and tiny waist. I was like wow. When I got back home, I had to tell my friends the women in my new office had yansh.

What was working together like?

Blessing: We sat together at work, and I like to believe we were friendly towards each other.

Tunde: In the office, she’d act as if she cares, but when I travel to the North for work, she’d never text to check in on me. I even had a word with our manager about working in a team of people who don’t care about each other. Blessing never called to ask how my trip went even though she knew I had to travel to all these dangerous places.

It’s giving JSS 2. Why did you report her to the manager?

Blessing: LMAO. He wanted me to talk to him, but instead of meeting me as a man, he went to report me to “Big Uncle” manager.

Tunde: It’s not like I reported her. I had a review of culture meeting with the manager in April. Because I typically travelled alone — the company couldn’t afford to send more people — I felt like the team didn’t really have my back. Hers was even more hurtful because we sat together in the office, and she was always tickling me. Then when I travelled, she wouldn’t even bother to find out if I was dead or alive.

Blessing: Sorry nau.

Tunde: Can you imagine. Four years later is when you’re apologising.

Blessing: We weren’t that close then. He was a great seatmate, I won’t lie, but I just didn’t care so much.

How did you progress to being friends?

Blessing: After the manager told me what Tunde said, I started checking up on him. We worked more closely together, and he was fun.

Tunde: And funny. I’m a funny guy.

Blessing: Somewhat funny. He thinks he’s very funny.

Tunde: Not somewhat. No “I think”.

Blessing: He’s a gbef, and it’s his gbefness that makes me laugh.

Tunde: That’s being funny. Do you laugh? Exactly. The thing is that because I’m a funny and fun guy, she couldn’t get enough. She’d call me around 6 a.m. to find out if I was going to the office.

Blessing: That was later when I started liking your big head. Nonsense.

Tunde: Same thing.

Blessing: Please, let’s stick to the questions.

And you both realised it was more than friendship when?

Blessing: After we’d built a solid foundation of friendship in June. We searched for places together while he was getting an apartment. We even used to visit each other on some weekends. It was easy for us to bond beyond the office environment. We also used to come to the office together with one of our colleagues. The three of us would meet at a designated point, so we were in each other’s faces a lot. I started to get these mosquito feeling in my stomach whenever I got a text from him or saw his face.

Tunde: It’s me that’s mosquito feeling?

Blessing: Not you; the feelings.

Tunde: What happened to butterflies? Why mosquito?

Blessing: It started as mosquitos then moved to butterflies. Now, it’s elephants in my tummy.

Tunde: It’s not even cute animals you’re mentioning.

The feeling solidified in August 2019 when she started having issues with a lecturer we can’t really talk about. I didn’t want to see her hurt, so it really hit me that I wanted to take care of her.

RELATED: Love Life: Our Friendship Means More to Us Than Our Love

When did you decide to do something about the mosquitoes in your tummy?

Blessing: I had a boyfriend at the time. We started dating a couple of days before Tunde joined the company, but along the line, we started having issues. The guy and I broke up in October 2019, then Tunde and I started having relationship-type conversations.

Tunde: After she broke up with her boyfriend, she started seeking for me.

Blessing: Oh God.

Tunde: One Saturday in November, I went to see her, and as I was about to leave, I just started gazing at her.

Blessing: I feel like if anyone had carried scissors to cut that tension, the scissors would’ve broken.

Tunde: I wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t want to do it first because I’m a bad guy.

Blessing: So I did it.

Tunde: She told me to come back and kissed me. I knew I would die there. We became kissing coworkers, or co-kissers, if you will.

Blessing: He’d come to the office and there’d be tension. We both knew if it weren’t an office, we’d tear each other apart. But we’re great work partners, so we put all our emotions aside to make sure we got work done.

Tunde: I want to believe the tension helped us with work. We’d want to finish as quickly as possible so we could focus on other matters. I asked her out twice, but she turned me down because she needed time to think after just coming out of a relationship. But when our office closed for the year on December 19, she came over to my place and we spent Detty December together. On the 29th, I asked her for the third time to go out with me. We were in bed together; she said yes.

Blessing: Changed my mind because Detty December made me realise I enjoyed spending so much time with him.

Didn’t your office have a no-dating policy?

Tunde: If anything, our office encouraged it. Everybody dated everybody there.

Blessing: It even produced three married couples.

Tunde: Twice, someone introduced a coworker to their friend or family member, and they got married.

Company or dating site? God, abeg

Blessing: Dating and working together was great because we got to spend a lot of time together.

Tunde: In January 2020, she returned to her place, but honestly, she spent more time at mine than hers.

In February, COVID-19 happened, and we spent the lockdown together at my house. I stayed in an estate in GRA at the time and we had 24/7 electricity. Her place in Somolu didn’t, so it made sense for her to work from my house. The first couple of weeks were really good. We didn’t have any problems, and it stayed that way until we found out her dad didn’t like me. Her parents were really attached to her ex-boyfriend. They thought he was a responsible guy who’d eventually marry their daughter.

Blessing: Then we broke up for no actual reason. And they thought Tunde was this bad boy who was turning my head.

Tunde: Her dad reached out to her in late March to find out how she was doing. She said she was spending the lockdown at home, but he found out his unmarried daughter was living with the same guy he already thought was turning his daughter’s brain. That’s when all hell broke loose. He’s an influential man, so he started threatening to reach out to some top police officers. That’s how our life went from peace and quiet to chaos and confusion.

I was so scared, I had to call my dad and tell him about the girlfriend he didn’t know about. He told me I had to return Blessing to her place so I can get her father’s blessing for the relationship. But it was in the thick of the lockdown, so we had to walk all the way from Ogudu to Bariga before we could see a car to take us to Somolu.

Even Fitfam people don’t do like that

Blessing: When he dropped me off at my place, I had to let my parents know I was back so they could stop all the police talk. But I didn’t want to let him go, so he stayed with me for about a week.

Tunde: I loved he,r and she was really unhappy. I didn’t want to just leave her like that.

Blessing: When he left, he stayed alone for like a week before I went back to his place.

Does that mean you resolved the problem with Blessing’s dad?

Blessing: Not really. There was no light or water in my place, and I needed both to work. My parents live in Edo state, so it’s not like I could go there. They just weren’t seeing that the most sensible decision was to stay in his place and work from there.

Since they didn’t agree to see it that way, I just went back to his place and lied to them that I was still at mine. There was no way I’d endure the lockdown period without light, water and my man. We lived together for a couple of months till he had to move from the mainland to the island for his MBA.

Tunde: I resigned from the company to do my MBA in January 2021. It was a residency program, so I had to leave her at home and move. It was the first time we had to go long periods without seeing each other. So it was catastrophic initially. She was home alone while I was in school doing this high-intensity programme that sometimes had me studying until 3 a.m. I’ll be too tired to speak to her on the phone, and she couldn’t come visit, so we barely spoke.

RELATED: Love Life: We Make it Work Despite the Distance

How did you get through it?

Tunde: This is the part that made me believe our love was meant to be. A couple of weeks after I started the program, she got a job in an office really close to my postgraduate school. Sometimes, when they gave us lunch in school, I’d take some to her. But that wasn’t enough; we had to get creative.

Blessing: I started sneaking into his room sometimes.

Ah? How?

Tunde: There were loopholes in the school’s rules, and we exploited that. I won’t go into specifics because I don’t want to give the current students expo.

Blessing: I’d sneak from his room to work and then slip back into his room. It was adorable.

Towards the end of 2020, he stylishly asked what I thought of getting married. I freaked out about it because I thought it was too soon. He wanted to meet my parents, and luckily for us, my younger sister was getting married to one of his best friends. They did their introduction in the village and he was part of the wedding party, so he used it as an opportunity to meet my dad.

Tunde: I always knew her dad would like me. The problem was just that he didn’t know me. So before I went to their place in Edo state to see him face-to-face, I wanted to have a conversation with him over the phone to tell him my mind. I told him I was a responsible man, doing my MBA, and was interested in marrying his daughter. After that conversation, we didn’t speak again until her sister’s introduction in May.

How did the meeting go?

Tunde: Do you want to tell them how scared you were?

Blessing: I was shaking. My parents can be quite strict, so I didn’t know what to expect. But he came with his friends, and it went well. He became their sweetheart, although it took my mum a bit longer to warm up to him. She was extremely careful because she didn’t want me to go into the wrong hands. It took Tunde, my dad, sisters and even me talking to my mum for her to warm up to him. Now, they’re besties.

RELATED: Love Life: I’m Scared to Tell My Parents About Him

Let’s talk about the marriage proposal

Tunde: I proposed a few weeks before the official introduction between our two families in August. The proposal was funny because I had to change the venue a couple of times.

The first proposal was to happen at the beach in July. I’d planned with my colleagues to use them as a decoy. I’d tell her my office was having a “bring your partner” beach event. That way, she’d have to dress up and gbam! Proposal. Blessing and I stayed in a small studio apartment, and we never hide things from each other. We take all our calls on speaker, and we know each other’s passwords. With my colleagues in on it, they’d know to slip the plan in so it would seem legit.

Unfortunately, the Saturday I’d planned to propose, I couldn’t get the logistics right, so I moved it to the next Saturday. However, I didn’t tell my colleagues. When they called during the week, they started asking how the proposal went. She was right there so the proposal couldn’t happen again.

Oya, proposal number two

Tunde: I was planning to propose to her during our annual office retreat. You were allowed to bring your partner and even kids for the week-long retreat. It was at a really nice hotel, and the aesthetics would’ve been perfect for a proposal. Unfortunately, our Chief of Staff changed the rules and said she couldn’t come because I hadn’t proposed yet. I couldn’t tell her I planned on proposing there because I’d just joined the company and didn’t want it to be weird.

The date for our introduction was getting closer, and I wanted to propose before then. But I knew it would be difficult to get her to dress up without looking for a ridiculous excuse, so I had to do the ridiculous. I reached out to a not-so-close friend of mine and got him to invite us to a fake event. Then, I told my neighbours I wanted to propose to her in their apartment. They were in love with the idea. They left their apartment for us so I could get it all set up. I called my friend’s sister to help me out with balloons and everything.

While all of this planning was going on, Blessing and I were arguing. Why? Because I kept having to take my calls outside so she couldn’t hear what was going on. While she was accusing me of talking to other women, I was planning her proposal.

LMAO

Tunde: I got a lot of our friends and family involved. On the day of the “dinner” my friend invited us to, I told my neighbours to call me and ask me to come over. They’re a married couple with a two-year-old and were like a big brother and sister to us. So them calling one or both of us over wasn’t new.

When I got to the apartment, I called to tell her it was both of us they wanted to see, and she should get ready so we could go from there straight to the “event”. When she got there, I was on my knees with all our friends around and music playing.

Blessing: And I laughed so much. When my younger sister got proposed to, she laughed as well, and I was wondering what was wrong with her. It got to my turn, and there I was. Seeing him in his turtleneck, down on one knee with all the balloons, it just looked really funny. I’m not sure I heard anything he said. I just said yes, and he put the ring on my finger.

Did anything change once you got engaged?

Blessing: Not really. We still remained the cool and adventurous couple.

Tunde: Maybe our mentality changed. We had to start saving for a house and planning a wedding, so we had all those things at the back of our mind.

What was the wedding planning like?

Blessing: It was actually cool, not as hectic as I thought it would be. Since my sister got married in August, we had a template to work with.

Tunde: We did elevate the template though because our wedding was the bomb.

Birthday wedding?

Tunde: Look, let me tell you. I’ve pulled the greatest scam in history. Now, instead of celebrating our birthday and anniversary separately, I can lump it together and give one gift. People will read about me. Children will write stories about me. I’m making history.

Blessing: It’s not like I objected to the idea of getting married on our birthday. Plus, he’s making all this mouth about not buying gifts, but this man is a liar. Since we entered February 2023, he’s been buying me gifts every day.

We got married on our birthday because he just thought it was adorable. Now, it’s a story he tells everyone once they mistakenly ask. It doesn’t help that we have the same loc hairstyle. When people see us, they mistake us for siblings then he launches into the “born on the same day and married on the same day” speech.

What’s married life like?

Blessing: We’re a lot more conscious about building long-term wealth, not just for both of us, but our families are involved now.

Tunde: When you get married, you think you’re getting married to one person, but it’s actually a village. You now have to consider family members when doing certain things. We kept trying to figure things out individually, so we argued a lot at first. Like three months in, we realised how important talking to each other about things is. We’d sit up in the middle of the night and cry about stuff.

Something else that’s helped our relationship over time is the foundation of friendship. I may be upset with Blessing my babe, but Blessing my friend and I will sit down and talk.

On a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your love life?

Blessing: I’ll rate it a 9. The 1 is because of the possibility of us being more than this. There’s a lot of room for improvement.

Tunde: I disagree for the same reasons. Since she said there’s a lot of room for improvement, I’ll rate it a 1. Shebi it’s you that’s looking for room? The 1 means there’s plenty of room for you.

Blessing: That room you’re talking about, it’s like you’ll go and collect it outside o, because I don’t understand.

Tunde: But for real, I’ll say a 9 as well. We don’t fight, and it’s not because we don’t have growing tension about things, it’s just that we quickly communicate it. It’s been butterflies since we started dating. I feel pretty good about us.

RELATED: Love Life: I Found the Love of My Life on Tinder

Itohan Esekheigbe

February 9, 2023

Love Life, Ships

love, Love life, marriage, proposal, Relationship, romance, Ships, Wedding
If you’ve ever wondered what goes on in a Christian couples group chat, wonder no more. I’m only too happy to share. As the only member of the married geng at Zikoko, this was bound to happen sooner or later.

These are eight things you’ll typically find in these group chats.

Stories, many stories

I don’t know who’s in charge of making up stories about other people’s relationships to use as case studies on these groups, but I have to say, they’re very creative. Of course, the stories are either forwarded or end with “copied”.

Relationship advice

It wouldn’t be a Christian couples group if someone didn’t send unsolicited advice — even confusing ones.

Forwarded videos

In case you didn’t take the time to read the stories and relationship advice, you might as well finish your data on the videos that say the exact same thing.

The occasional shade throwing

How do you acknowledge the sometimes problematic nature of the other gender in a somewhat respectful, church-approved way? You throw shade.

BCs from all walks of life

Did you think it’s only marriage matters they’d talk about there? LOL. And there I was thinking my Nigerian mother sends too many unrelated broadcast messages.

Wedding anniversaries and birthdays

I can’t share screenshots for obvious reasons, but best believe there’s someone celebrating something every other day.

Daily prayers

Because the devil walks around like a roaring lion, and prayer is needed to keep him at bay. And with how Nigeria is going, if there’s any time we need God’s intervention, it’s now.

Sweet gist

I can’t even lie. The group chat is almost always popping with gist and funny Q/A sessions. Because if there’s one thing married people love, it’s gist.

NEXT READ: How to Find a Family That’ll Pay You to Break Up With Their Child

Tife Oni

February 2, 2023

Inside Life

christian couples, Couples, Funny, group chats, love, marriage, Nigerians, relationships
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

The subjects of this week’s Love Life, Musa* (61) and Abike* (52), are pastors who’ve been married for 24 years. They discuss being drawn to each other because of their service to the church and how he proposed before they even started dating.

Click here if you want to be interviewed for Zikoko’s Love Life

How did you two meet?

Abike: We met in church. I joined in 1993, and he joined two years later.

Musa: She was a choir mistress at the time. I joined as a Sunday school teacher and interpreter for the church founder. We were both evangelists and were often paired for evangelical missions.

She was still a student when I joined, but I was done with school. Her school was in a different state, so we only saw each other when she came back for long holidays.

What made you decide to start dating?

Musa: When I realised I was drawn to her, I decided to ask our pastor and his wife to join us in prayer. We didn’t start dating until I got the go-ahead from our pastor.

We’ve been taught that when you pray for a life partner, God gives you a reading or shows you the person. You don’t meet the person directly. There’s a Yoruba adage that says, “What an elder sees while seated, the young ones cannot see even if they climbed a two-storey building”.

After the prayer, the pastor and his wife told me I could propose to her. When I did, she asked for some time to pray about it.

Abike: Although I was done with school, I was worried about our financial situation because the money we were earning wasn’t a lot. But when I prayed about it, God led me to Psalm 37:19, and I got my confirmation.

Musa: A couple of weeks later, I asked her if she’s made a decision, she told me yes.

RELATED: Love Life: I Went to Her House Every Day for a Whole Year

So you proposed marriage from the jump?

Musa: Yes. After I proposed, we dated for over a year before we got married in 1999. We were both very advanced in age. She was 29, and I was 37, so there was no need to waste time. Plus, we’re both committed to the work of God. I knew I couldn’t pursue anything with someone who isn’t as dedicated to God’s work as I am.

Our spiritual life was the major factor that really drew us together. The combined love for things of the kingdom was too strong to ignore.

Abike: He handled the things of God with a certain passion that really made me interested in him.

Musa: Our spiritual parents had a hand in our relationship from the very beginning. Even our brothers and sisters in the church didn’t object to the union. Our biological parents were also in support of us coming together as husband and wife. I honestly believe we are divine partners. That she is the will of the Lord in my life.

Abike: I think so too because there’s a certain peace that comes with him. Not to say we never had issues, but when we did, we prayed on any and every mountain.

What kind of issues?

Musa: First, the money we were earning at our respective jobs wasn’t a lot, but we thank God for small provisions like bonuses and salary increases.

Abike: Another of such issues is that I’m not a very easy person to control. You can’t just tell me to sit there and obey without trying to convince me. Sometimes, he’d make a decision without discussing it with me and expect me to just go ahead with it. That’s not how I work. Now, he knows better than to just impose decisions on me. He’s also more gentle than me. When he’s annoyed, he may not say anything, but me? You’ll see it all over my face.

As time went on, we began to understand each other better. Now, if there are any issues, we settle them before we go to bed. If we can’t, we talk about it during our morning devotion.

RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Need Phones, We Had Love

And you’ve been doing this for 24 years?

Musa: Yes, we have, and it’s all been by the grace of God. God is the answer to every loving and peaceful home. Except the Lord builds the house, the labourers work in vain. The secret to being able to last this long in marital bliss is God.

Abike: There’s also the love we have for one another. It allows us to be patient and persevere.

On a scale of 1-10, how will you rate your love life?

Musa: An 8 because I believe we’ve just started. As long as we live it, it’ll continue to grow more and increase on a daily basis till eternity.
Abike: I agree. Every day, it keeps getting better by His grace.

RELATED: Love Life: We Found Out We Have Chemistry in a Chemistry Lab

Itohan Esekheigbe

January 26, 2023

Love Life, Ships

Christian, love, Love life, marriage, Relationship, romance
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Peter (54) and Joy (47) have been married for 22 years. In this episode of Zikoko’s Love Life, they tell us what it’s like to fall in love at second sight, court a woman with a strict dad, and how they dealt with their tribalistic fathers through prayer before getting married.

Tell me about the first time you met

Peter: In 1994, when sinking boreholes was not a popular thing back in Port Harcourt, I lived in a house where the tap always rushed. So I got an influx of people searching for water for their homes.

Joy: My sister and I, in our search for water, landed in his house. When we got in, we heard their dogs and ran out. He heard our shouting and came outside, so I asked him to please do something about the dogs. He did and I was able to fetch water.

Peter: After they finished fetching water, I allowed myself to look at them and when I laid my eyes on her, I was like, wow, this is a really beautiful woman. I asked her for her name and she told me her name was “Gold”. I later found out that wasn’t her real name.

Joy: I gave him a fake name because I had a very strict father who didn’t allow my sisters and me to talk to men like that.

How did you find out the name was fake?

Peter: I was determined to see her again. The following Sunday, I dressed and went to different streets looking for her. The people I asked on the way told me nobody called Gold lived close by, but based on my description, they thought I was referring to Joy and pointed me in the direction of her house.

She wasn’t around, but I knew I needed to see her, so I went to her house every day hoping I’d get a chance to.

Did you?

Peter: Yes. month after. It wasn’t easy and it took the help of her sisters, but I saw her.

What do you mean by the help of her sisters?

Peter: For the month I came to her house, she kept hiding from me. She’d send her sisters to tell me she wasn’t around. So, I got a chance to talk to her sisters. They thought I was funny and decided to help plan an avenue for us to meet.

The next time I came to her house, she was there. In fact, now that you’ve asked me about this, I feel like a young man again. Seeing her was so precious to me. We talked a lot about religion, life, and dreams. That’s how I ended up visiting her house every single day for a year.

How did you manage that?

Peter: Her house was about three streets away from mine, so I’d pass that route to work. On my way back from work, I’d go to her house before I went to mine. Seeing her became the highlight of my day. I was in love.

Joy: I knew I liked him, but whenever I wanted to engage in anything, I always asked God to direct me. He asked me out whenever he had the chance, but I knew I wouldn’t go out with him until I got confirmation from God. Unluckily for him, I didn’t get that answer from God until a year later.

Peter: I knew I would marry her from the time I spent with her because something drew me to her, but I decided I’d wait for whatever confirmation she needed.

RELATED: Love Life: We Found Our Way Back to Each Other After 35 Years

What was dating like?

Peter: Amazing. There were no mobile phones so the only time we saw each other was when I visited her. She never came to mine because I was always at work.

Whenever she did choose to come and see me, we’d talk and talk for hours. We discussed our future, our lives, our plans, everything. When it was time for her to go home, I’d escort her to her house, and when we got to her house, she’d escort me to mine. After escorting like three times and it starts getting dark, we give up. At a point, the whole community knew us.

Peter: This was how it was for us throughout the six years of our relationship.

Six years? Why so long?

Peter: While we were dating, I already knew I was going to marry her. . I remember randomly telling her “Girl, I’m going to marry you. Prepare.” I was serious about her.

Joy: The main problem was our parents. My dad is not only strict, he was prejudiced against Delta or Benin men. He said they were fetish and didn’t want us to have anything to do with them.

Ah. How did that play out??

Peter: In 2000, my elder brother got married. When I returned from the wedding, I told her that since my elder brother has gotten married, it was my turn next and she should talk to her dad.

Joy: I loved Peter, but I really didn’t know how I was going to approach my dad on the issue.

Peter: That’s when I told her to approach her stepmother first, so she’d help Joy talk to her dad.

Joy: I mentioned it to her, and she told me to pray, and she’d handle bringing it up with my father.

Two days after, she told me she had spoken to him, but he wasn’t sounding very convinced. I should keep praying.

One Wednesday evening during church service, while I was praying, a man walked up to me and told me there was something about my relationship that was bothering me. He said the man I was praying to God about was my husband, and if I didn’t marry him, I’ll look for a husband and have issues.

I went back to my stepmother to tell her of the revelation. Then I told my dad, and he gave his permission.

Peter: Unfortunately, we couldn’t still proceed with the marriage because my own parents had to agree as well. My father had warned all his children that he didn’t want to hear we were moving around with Igbo people. I knew it would be difficult to convince him. He even sent a word to me from the village in Delta state that he heard I was following a Port Harcourt girl around, and I should forget about it if I thought I would marry her.

My dad was a disciplinarian and nobody had ever dared to challenge him whenever he said something, but I knew I was going to marry her. I also knew it was not going to work out if God was not involved, so we fasted and prayed for this marriage to become a possibility.

When I finally convinced them, I told Joy about it and we got married.

RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Need Phones We Had Love

Did you propose?

Peter: Well, if you mean did I do it the way the children do these days, where they go down on one knee and bring out a ring, I didn’t. I knew I wanted to marry her since the first month we started dating. We just needed to get past the fathers. When that was done, we got married in 2000.

I don’t think there was a need to propose because we’d had the conversations. We’d talked about the life we had and what we were going to live. It seemed unnecessary.

What’s being married like?

Peter: Amazing. Marriage has taught me about trust, love and forgiveness. I’ve been blessed with five beautiful children, and I love them very dearly.

Joy: Great. I think it’s so great because God is a very important factor in this marriage because we wouldn’t be here without him.

On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life

Peter: If I was to take a pencil and mark this assignment you’ve given to me, I’ll score myself a 9 and a half or even a full ten. It has been from Glory to Glory.

Joy: I’ll start by saying I give God all the glory, honour and adoration to God. I’ll give it a 9 and a half over 10. This entire relationship has been by the wisdom, the mercy, the strength and the Grace of God. Right now, it’s awesome and I’m grateful to God for this.

RELATED: Love Life: Our Future Is Uncertain

Itohan Esekheigbe

December 15, 2022

Love Life, Ships

love, Love life, marriage, Relationship, Ships
You know your babe has been making arrangements to go to her village for the festive season, but here are some signs to know that she’ll be coming back with a husband.

She’s Igbo

We’re sorry to break it to you, but your Igbo girlfriend telling you she’s going “home” for Christmas might as well be your invitation to her wedding.

She’s engaging more with wedding content online

You’ve noticed that she’s liking and retweeting more threads about marriage on Twitter, she can’t go a day without reposting cute wedding videos on her IG and WhatsApp, and you still haven’t figured it out? She’s obviously jotting down taking tips for when she’s ready, which is going to be two months from now.

She’s spending more time with you

With all the traffic and stress in Nigeria, she insists on spending most of her time with you. Ah! My brother, she’s trying to get the most of the little time you have left before she weds her real husband-to-be.

She’s not spending time with you

Whenever you suggest you spend a weekend together now, she always says she’s busy. Yes, she’s definitely busy trying to forget you and move on with her life.

She doesn’t get upset easily

Nigerian women don’t like peace. So when you start going two days without any fight, there’s something wrong. Our advice? Start mentally moving on because your relationship is nearing its end.

She gets upset easily

Any small thing you do, she picks offence. You’re now having a minimum of at least three fights a day? Can’t you see that she’s fed up with all your shit and already has plans to marry someone else?

You’ve been dating for more than two years

Two years is enough time to know if you will spend the rest of your life with a Nigerian woman. And if you’ve not started planning to see her people, what’s the point? She’s made up her mind to find someone that’s serious.

All her close friends are married

She’s getting invites to weddings every other week, and you haven’t thought to ask her how she feels about getting married? Your breakfast is going to be served buffet-style.

READ NEXT: 6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

Meyimi O.

October 27, 2022

Inside Life

girlfriend, marriage, Nigerian women
Relationships are full of surprises. But what if your boo has a boo that they’re getting married to and it’s not you? Check for these signs so they don’t catch you offside.

They become sweeter than usual

Once this starts to happen, it’s either they’re doing send-forth for you, or they’re trying to ease their guilt. Once they start being sweet in a way that’s out of character, jazz up.

They’re buying you gifts more often

It’s just consolation for the breakfast you’re about to receive. Think of them as your severance.

They start ghosting you for extended periods of time

Maybe they’re having some alone time with the love of their life. Or today’s their family introduction. Whichever one it is, you’re not in the picture.

They don’t talk about marriage with you

Obviously, they’re already planning to escape the relationship with somebody else. Open your eyes and ask for their hand in marriage straight up. They’ll probably serve you breakfast, but at least you won’t be caught off-guard.

RELATED: 5 Nigerian Women Share Why They Regret Getting Married

They talk about marriage all the time

Let me just tell you; you’re their unofficial wedding planner. They’re basically using your ideas and imagination to plan their own wedding but you’re smiling at the thought of your opening dance.

They start getting strange calls

Once they start getting calls from unknown numbers and the conversations sound serious, it’s obviously people calling them for stuff they need for their wedding. They’ll tell you it’s a work call but you should know better.

Their friends start calling you “our wife” or “our husband”

You’re definitely not their wife or husband. Pack your things and run, my friend. Because in two weeks, you’ll see these people on the internet posing as groomsmen or bridesmaids at your partner’s wedding and you won’t be there. Don’t lose guard.

NEXT READ: 6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

Sheriff Alimi

October 10, 2022

Love Life, Ships

love, marriage, Partner, Ships, Wedding
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Olisa (29) and Sandra (27) started dating, got engaged and married within a year after meeting on Twitter. They tell us about how it happened, the stress of planning a wedding and their first pregnancy.

Click here if you want to be interviewed for Love Life

How do you meet someone on Twitter?

Sandra: Early 2021, I saw a tweet about how Taurus women are always lucky with men. I was very single at the time, and all the men who’d reached out to me were hellbent on hi-ing me to death. I replied to the tweet with “I beg to differ.”

Olisa: I saw that comment. It was funny and made me think she had a good sense of humour, so I replied.

Before I did, I went through her profile and saw her pictures. She was stunning, had such a gorgeous smile and looked approachable. I tried to get her attention by liking all her pictures.

Smooth

Sandra: Seeing all the notifications made me curious about who was behind the account. I went through his media, and that’s when I tweeted, “You, liking all of my pictures, this is me telling you you’re cute AF”. He liked that tweet and sent me a DM. I was eventually going to text him, but he beat me to it.

Olisa: If I’d liked all her pictures and she hadn’t noticed me, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to text her.

I think I’m using my Twitter wrong

Olisa: I wanted to see her in person as soon as possible, but I couldn’t at first.

Sandra: We were both very busy with work. Extremely tight schedules and booked weekends. That’s why when we met a week after we started talking, it was during my lunch break. It was a 30-minute break, but it was lovely.

Olisa: I saw her smile, and I knew I was a goner. There was no hope for me.

Sandra: During the date, my mum called and he spoke to her.

Olisa: I told her mum I was going to marry her. The next day, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

In a week?

Olisa: There’s something about her. I was so sure from the first picture I saw of her. I didn’t want to waste any time before someone else who saw what I saw would carry her away.

Sandra: When he mentioned marriage to my mother and me, I thought he was just spinning my head. You know how all these Lagos boys do?

Olisa: I wasn’t lying sha.

Sandra: It was just that initial fear that you would break my heart.

Olisa: I’d never.

RELATED: Love Life: We Became Lovers by Accident

God when. What was dating like?

Olisa: It was great. The problem was we were both extremely busy people. Between traffic, meetings and stress, seeing each other could’ve been labelled impossible, but we made sure we had dates every weekend, no matter what.

Sandra: It could be watching a movie or going out, but we must spend the weekend together. Throughout the five months we dated, he only missed two weekends because we weren’t in the same country.

Olisa: I’d just proposed, then I needed to be in America for two weeks.

Sandra: Imagine proposing and leaving your fiancée for two whole weeks. I thought he wouldn’t return.

Olisa: LOL

Tell me about the proposal

Olisa: I knew I wanted to marry her very early on. She’s kind and I knew she would make a fantastic mum. If she loves the child just half as much as she loves me, it’s enough.

When I proposed to her, it was on a Sunday after we got back from church. While on the bed, I told her to close her eyes and kiss me. Instead of kissing her, I put the ring on her lips. When she realised it was a ring, she said yes.

Sandra: He’s kind, communicates efficiently, is a good listener and even though the world is challenging and tiring, he makes me happy. Saying yes was a no-brainer.

Tell me about planning the wedding. How did that go?

Sandra: The engagement lasted five months because we kept trying to ensure everything went according to plan. The wedding was in Port Harcourt, where I grew up. I was in charge of everything because he didn’t know the location.

Olisa: The stress of the wedding was getting to her, but I tried my best to organise people, make payments on time and schedule movement. Everything from booking flights to dealing with the event centre manager caused us a great deal of stress, and we never want to go through that again.

RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Need Phones, We Had Love

That must’ve cost a lot too.

Olisa: Can’t give an actual figure, but yes, it did.

Sandra: I didn’t want people travelling up and down for the wedding. I felt it wouldn’t be safe. So we decided our white and traditional weddings would be on the same day. A white wedding in the morning and the traditional wedding as the reception.

Olisa: We had to pay for the accommodation and transportation of our bridal party and family members.

Couple with their bridal party

Sandra: Food, drinks, clothes, photographs, omo. It was a lot.

But it looked like you had fun

Sandra: We did. Now that that’s over, we’re looking forward to starting our family. I want to start my family traditions like taking Christmas pictures by our tree, going on vacations, etc.

Olisa: I’m so excited because I’ve always wanted to start a family. Knowing it’s happening with her makes it so much better.

Sandra: I want to have my two children before I turned 30. I’m about to pop now. So, one down, one more to go.

How’s pregnancy treating you?

Sandra: Great, except for the weird cravings and evening sickness. During my second trimester, I was in a constant state of craving eba. It could be with any soup. I just had to eat eba.

Olisa: I try to do my best, but I’m not the one carrying the baby. We had to adjust our outing schedule because she’s not as energetic as she used to be, but I know it’ll pass.

Sandra: There’s no easy part, but knowing I’m creating a human is a fantastic feeling. I’m currently on maternity leave, and it’s so dull. I started watching Grey’s Anatomy to keep me busy.

Rate your love life on a scale of 1-10

Sandra: 10. This relationship is everything I’ve always wanted.

Olisa: 10

RELATED: Love Life: It Felt Natural to Call Each Other Boyfriend and Girlfriend

Itohan Esekheigbe

October 6, 2022

Love Life, Ships

Engagement, love, Love life, marriage, Relationship, Ships
Who says the fun has to die in your relationship because you’re now married? Just spice things up with these Truth or Dare questions and you’ll be shocked at what you’d find.

Disclaimer: If this causes fight, don’t come and drag us sha.

Truth — Do you have a sugar baby?

Let them tell you who your competitors are, please. So nobody can come and catch you offside.

Dare — Let me go through your phone

Just go straight to the archived chats on WhatsApp. But whatever you see there is your business sha.

Truth — Would you marry me if I was an ant?

You know the answer to this question, but you can still ask anyway if you like pain.

Dare — Show me your Bolt/Uber ride history

Have they been going to weird places at weird times? Why is Bolt showing that they went to Eko Hotels when they were supposed to go to the gym? These are the questions.

Truth — Were you faking that orgasm?

You need to know whether you’re as skilled as you think or you’re just doing rubbish.

Dare — Recite the national pledge

This is how you’ll know if your partner is an olodo in disguise.

Truth — If you could sleep with one of my friends, who would it be?

Our personal advice: if they ask you this question, lie. If you open your mouth to mention somebody, just be ready for World War 3.

RELATED: Think Out of the Box With These Date Night “Truth or Dare” Questions

Dare — Make a video of yourself dancing in my clothes

Use the video to threaten them every once in a while when they want to fight you.

Truth — Will you remarry if I die?

A good retort would be, “Who says you have to die first?” But if you say this, you might actually die.

Dare — Call my parents and tell them what you really think about them

Sha don’t try this one if your parents are Yoruba. Your partner will sleep outside.

Truth — Was he/she just a colleague?

Look in their eyes as they answer this question. Don’t even bother with the words they’re saying. Unless your spouse can pass a polygraph, you’ll get your answer.

Dare — Send me all the money in your account

Our personal favourite. Just blow small powder after daring them.

Truth — Any extra children I should know about?

You might be a stepmom or stepdad without even knowing. It’s surprises like these that really spice things up.

Dare — Make a TikTok with me and post it

Only do this if you want them to have small panic attacks while filming. Don’t post it sha because they might faint if you do.

NEXT READ: Interview With Truth Or Dare: “Why Are Nigerian Men So Horny?”

Sheriff Alimi

September 27, 2022

Ships

marriage, truth or dare, truth or dare questions
We’ve all heard how running errands is a huge part of being married to Nigerian women. But we had to look into the matter and make sure you’re getting the full story.

We asked the husbands, and for Wife Appreciation Day, they shared the sweetest things their significant others have done for them.

“She bought me a phone”

— Godwin, married for six years

My wife does lots of great things for me. I especially remember when she bought me a new phone for my birthday two years ago. My phone at the time was giving me issues, and I’d been planning to buy another, but she beat me to it.

“She gives me well-thought-out gifts every birthday”

— Chris*, married for nine months

My wife is easily the most reliable person I know. If she says yes, I can trust her words. It’s hard to choose one thing, but she’s made it a habit to always give me well-thought-out gifts every birthday. And because I’m not used to receiving gifts, this is really special to me.

“I had an exam, so she had to plan our wedding”

— Julius*, married for one year

My wife is very understanding. She came to care for me when I had COVID while we were still dating. And she took up the planning of our wedding because I had an exam that week. I practically just attended the wedding.

“Despite being swindled, she made sure she got me what I wanted”

— Adams*, married for 22 months

Last year, my wife surprised me with an acoustic guitar on my birthday. Even after the first dealer swindled her and sold her the wrong spec, she paid for another one for me. And it was even better than the one I wanted.

My love language is also words of affirmation, so the fact that she’s intentional about daily encouraging, reassuring and building me up with her words, means so much to me.

“She was ready to sacrifice her career”

— Daniel*, married for seven years

I got a career-defining job offer. But for my wife, it meant abandoning her career to come with me. Even without me trying to persuade her, she said yes.

Note that she was a few months from a promotion that would have her earn more than what my job was offering me.

I didn’t take the offer, but it said a lot that she would consider such a huge sacrifice.

“She took over the bills after my accident”

— Andrew, married for one year

Last October, I had an accident and had to do two surgeries. I wanted to go right back to work, but she refused because she was worried I could get hurt in the process. I had to stay home for over six months, from the accident to the post-surgery, and she was the only one taking care of the house.

“I have high standards because of her”

— John*, married for four years

I was used to downplaying my skills. Even when people saw me as a guru, I didn’t think I was that good. So I allowed myself to undercharge and overdeliver. But she completely changed my mentality and helped me set a higher standard for myself. In my opinion, that’s the most important gift anyone can give you.

*Some names have been changed for anonymity

YOU JUST HAVE TO READ: 6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

Meyimi O.

September 18, 2022

Inside Life, Ships

marriage, married women, wives
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Ighodalo* (61) and Esohe (59) met at the burial of Ambrose Alli in 1988. After refusing to date him because he drank and smoked, they moved to navigating a long-distance relationship with financial difficulties and fertility issues.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Ighodalo: We met for the first time in 1988, at the burial of the former governor of Bendel state in Ekpoma, where I worked as a tax officer.

While at the burial to pay respects and be a part of history, I saw her. This woman was slim around the waistline with a big bumbum. Very fine shape. When I struck up a conversation with her, she found a way to bring everything back to God. I told her I wanted to date her. She refused, but we still kept in touch.

Esohe: It’s not that I didn’t find him interesting. He’s soft-spoken and tall, which is something I’ve always liked, but I wasn’t interested in a relationship then. I was too focused on school, family and God.

The next time I saw him was a couple of days later. I was looking for my school ID card so I went to his office to ask if I maybe left it with him. I didn’t, but it was nice to see him again.

Did you find the card?

Esohe: Yes. On a bus.

And did you see each other again?

Ighodalo: Yes, I found out where she lived.

Esohe: He was trailing me.

Ighodalo: At my office, we had a driver who took us around. She told me about the family she stayed with while she was in school, and I realised I went to school with some of her family members. The driver knew their house, and it wasn’t too far from the university, so I started visiting her once in a while.

Esohe: A few months after we met, I decided to start going out with him. He’s such a kindhearted and gentle man. Plus, my uncle in Benin kept talking about how I should give him a chance. The problem was he was into a lot of wicked things. He smoked, drank, slept around and was a cultist. But as we spent more time together, he willingly started to drop some of those habits.

Ighodalo: She was constantly preaching to me and trying to get me to change my ways. I started doing those things a lot less. She helped me see there was more to life than the things I was indulging in.

RELATED: Love Life: The Day We Started Dating Was the Day I Stopped Smoking

And the rest of the relationship?

Esohe: Pretty smooth, actually. Well, save for when I went back to Lagos to I live with my brother and we didn’t see each other for six months.

In 1988, Babangida wanted to enact this economic policy called the Structural Adjustment Program (SAP), to tighten our belts while they kept having lavish events. People’s wages were brought down, and living conditions worsened, but government officials didn’t cut their own pay. Protests broke out because people were tired, and most of them were championed by university students. So, universities closed down. Mine was shut for six months.

Ighodalo: We kept writing to each other, but letters across states took an average of a week to get delivered. By the time my letter got to her, whatever I was talking about might’ve passed. It was tough, but we encouraged each other through the letters.

After the riot, whenever long holidays came around, she’d go back to her house in Lagos. Sometimes, I’d go see her there, and sometimes, she’d come see me. The roads weren’t so bad, and you could travel from Lagos to Benin in 3-4 hours.

How long did this courtship last?

Ighodalo: We dated for six years.

Esohe: We were on and off during that period because, sometimes, he’d do something to annoy me. When he did, I wouldn’t reply his letter. Eventually, his sister would beg me before I reply him.

Olden days ghosting. LMAO

Esohe: But also, we thought it was wise for me to finish school, NYSC and start working before getting married. At least, that way, we’d have a stable life and could both financially contribute to the relationship.

Ighodalo: We lived in two different states, and I wanted to marry her before someone who lived closer could. I proposed to her at a resort with two of my friends present. She said yes, and I was so overjoyed. We got married a year later.

What were you doing for one year?

Esohe: Planning. We didn’t have a lot of money, so we didn’t want something large. In fact, we wanted to get married on a Thursday. Something low-key and intimate, but my elder brother was not having it. He asked me if I was pregnant because he didn’t understand why I’d want to get married on a Thursday.

In July 1994, we did the registry and traditional marriage in Ekpoma, where my father lived. It was supposed to be in June, but one of my uncle’s wives died and the burial was in June. After that, I stayed back in Ekpoma for a bit. Before I knew what was happening, my brother had started making plans for the white wedding. He’d printed the IV, secured a venue, and his wife’s mother was to cater the event.

Ighodalo: He did so much, so I spent my money on outfits for the wedding. I remember the shoe I bought cost ₦3,500. To put into perspective just how much I had to save for it, I was earning ₦2,800 a month. But it was worth it. The sole was made in Spain and the top was designed in Italy. I still have that shoe today.

Esohe: We got married in August of 1994, and everything went great. It was small but very lovely.

Why so long between the traditional and white wedding?

Esohe: That’s how things were done then. People hardly did both in the same weekend.

Ighodalo: People could go up to a year between traditional and white weddings.

Esohe: After the wedding, I stayed back in Lagos, in the apartment I’d moved to while he went back to Benin to continue his job. I’d occasionally visit him, and he’d sometimes come here. During one of my visits, I saw a cultist regalia in his wardrobe. I was angry and confused because he’d told me he was no longer a cultist.

Ighodalo: And I wasn’t. I just never got around to getting rid of it. I’d lost interest in cultism when they started killing people.

When we started, we had ideologies and principles, and at a time, I headed the movement to spread across academic institutions. But then, the deaths began, and I washed my hands off of it. That’s why when she asked if she could burn it, I agreed.

How did it feel to be married from a distance?

Esohe: We did long distance while we dated, so for the first year of marriage, I thought we could cope. But it was hard.

After two years, I opened my gate one day to see him waiting for me with all his load. He told me he’d quit his job and moved Lagos. I was confused.

RELATED: Love Life: We Broke Up Once But Still Got Married

Ighodalo: She was earning over ₦3,000 a month, which was more than what I earned. I couldn’t ask her to quit her job and stay in Benin where she’d earn less. Especially because Lagos had more opportunities. I felt it’d be easier for me to find a job that paid well than if I’d stayed in Benin.

Esohe: I wish he’d discussed it with me, but there was nothing I could do at that point. I opened the door for him, and we started a new phase of our life together.

Did he get a new job?

Esohe: It actually took a while before he could. He tried his hands at various businesses, but hardly anything concrete came out of it. We needed to take care of ourselves and my salary wasn’t enough, so I started selling ankara, ties, shirts and all, just to make up for it. I was a secretary in a finance company, so I sold these things to my coworkers. My husband would help me market my business to some of his rich friends too. That’s how we were able to hold body.

We had this small white bucket in our room where we kept all the money we made. Whenever anyone needed money to go out or do anything, we’d just take from the bucket. There was a lot of transparency when it came to handling our finances.

Ighodalo: I didn’t like how we lived, and it frustrated me, but she was always so reassuring. Whenever one person struggled, the other picked it up.

Can’t imagine how stressful that must’ve been. Were there kids involved at this time?

Esohe: No. We didn’t have our first and only child till after seven years of marriage. We never wanted a large family. My mum had nine children, and his had eight. We knew what large families were like, so we weren’t interested.

Ighodalo: I was content with my wife and our apartment in Lagos, but she? She was worried.

Esohe: It’s not like his family members were mean to me. If anything, it was my own family that made weird comments. I remember one of my elder sisters came to Lagos and refused to visit me. When I asked why, she said she doesn’t visit women without children. It hurt, but what could I do except pray and cry?

Ighodalo: That was a very trying period for us, and she cried a lot. It broke my heart to see her this way, especially because she’s too kind. She always puts others above herself, and they took it as an opportunity to disrespect her. It made me angry.

What did you do about it?

Esohe: In 1997, we had a neighbour who always came to our house to collect oil, salt and other things. One day, she came as usual, and after I gave her the oil, she told me she doesn’t think I want children. That didn’t I read the way Hannah in the Bible cried to God? That I should beg God like that.

When she left, I started crying. He was in the room and knew our neighbour had come, but he didn’t know what she said to me. I refused to tell him so he wore his shoes and told me he was going to her house. She must explain to him what she said to make his wife cry.

I didn’t want a scene so I told him, and he forbade her from stepping foot in the house again. He always had my back and refused to let people use childbirth to stress me.

That’s so sweet. How did pregnancy eventually go?

Esohe: It was funny and a bit scary. Funny because he fussed a lot. I started living with my elder brother after the first trimester because I almost had a miscarriage in my third month. There were some things the doctor recommended I eat, and my sister-in-law was very happy to make them.

Ighodalo: The fifth month of her pregnancy, I came to carry her from their house. I wanted to be involved in the process of raising my child, even while it was still in the womb. I grew up in Edo state. Amala is not something we eat regularly, so my mother never taught me how to make it. But I learnt how to make Amala the way my wife liked it.

Esohe: I know I got on his nerves a lot while I was pregnant. In my eighth month, I wanted to buy clothes for the naming ceremony. I went with a friend of mine to Lagos Island, but I had told my husband I was in Yaba. If he knew I was going to Lagos Island, he wouldn’t have let me.

As we got to the bus stop closest to my house, on our way back from the market, my legs stopped working. I don’t even remember how I got home, but they dropped me off for my husband.

Ighodalo: I asked her what happened and she started crying. I just boiled water to help her massage her legs. She doesn’t listen.

LMAO. Y’all are so cute. And the baby?

Esohe: She took me almost a full day to deliver. I wanted a natural birth, but I had a fibroid operation two years prior that led to keloid growth.

Ighodalo: I wanted to be with her while she delivered, but when they mentioned surgery, I started crying. The doctor sent me out of the room.

Esohe: My husband might seem intimidating physically, but he’s an emotional baby. Anything makes him cry. When our daughter was going to boarding school, this man couldn’t follow us to drop her off because he kept crying. She was even the one consoling him.

Ighodalo: I’m sensitive. Plus, the women in my life are much stronger than I am.

Esohe: Eh hen, back to the birth. Once he signed the documents for the surgery, I was out in under an hour.

Ighodalo: I was so happy when I held our daughter in my arms. When I left the hospital to get some things, I was telling everyone on the road that my wife just had a baby.

What was marriage like after the child?

Esohe: I won’t say it was difficult, but it certainly wasn’t easy. He’d started a transportation business, and it was doing okay. I had quit my job, so I became a full-time entrepreneur. We struggled, but we had each other.

Ighodalo: Eventually, in 2011, I got a paid job and that made everything so much easier. My salary was expected income and we planned around it. Anything extra we made was for wants.

Esohe: It was from his salary we’d get feeding money, school fees and rent. The other not-so-important things came from our businesses.

Now, we’re in a better place financially than when we started. And I’m grateful that as things got better, he prioritised my ease and comfort. He bought me a car I liked, buys me expensive clothes and anything my heart desires.

Ighodalo: I made a promise to take care of her, and I’m happy I can finally do it the way I’d like. I don’t want my wife or daughter to ever lack anything.

Esohe: The only problem is with this new job, we’ve not lived together for up to a year. He only comes during the weekends and calls every day. I can’t wait for him to retire.

Ighodalo: Technology is really amazing because I get to talk to my wife every day even though we’re not physically together. My daughter even taught us how to do video calls, and we try when the network allows it. We even take selfies.

You people are too cute, please. Are there things your partner does you don’t like?

Esohe: When he got this job, he had to deal with people he shouted at a lot. Sometimes, he’d bring that spirit home. My daughter cleared him, but I was calmer about it. I told him I didn’t appreciate his tone, and he corrected himself. He’d shout sometimes because he’s so organised and time conscious, but I’m not really like that.

Ighodalo: She’s too kind. She constantly does things that cause her stress, but she doesn’t mind. As long as whoever she’s helping is happy, she’d break one of her legs. I keep begging her to be a bit more selfish. Also, she doesn’t like the cold. I do. Right now, she’s made me put off the fan because she’s cold.

Esohe: But the weather is cold, why do you need the fan on? It’s because he wants to freeze me and keep me in his house. That’s why my room doesn’t have an AC. So he won’t kill me.

LMAO. How’d you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?

Ighodalo: 9.5. Nothing is perfect, but she’s as close to perfect as I can get. If I could come to this life again, I’d marry her without thinking twice.

Esohe: A 9.5 here too. I’m grateful I married someone so kind and sweet to me.

RELATED: Love Life: We Didn’t Need Phones, We Had Love

Itohan Esekheigbe

September 8, 2022

Love Life, Ships

long distance, long distance relationship, Love life, marriage, Relationship, romance, Ships
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

The subjects of this week’s Love Life are Frank*, 56, and Enobong*, 51. They talk about dating for six years, navigating long-distance in a time without phones and being married for 23 years.

What’s your earliest memory of each other

Frank: I had an office in Ikeja beneath a computer school, and the day she came to register, she said hi to me. We went to the same university back in Calabar, so it was nice to see a familiar face.

Enobong: I was 22 and trying to be useful during holidays, so I enrolled at a computer class. The first day we had a conversation, I mentioned I was going to the market after computer classes. He told me to buy something for him from the market, and I did. I didn’t know what to buy, so I bought him a handkerchief.

Frank: I didn’t think she would buy it. I just said it to continue the conversation.

How did you realise you liked each other?

Enobong: Well, at that time, there was some other person I was talking to. But when I went to visit him one day, he did something that made me realise I didn’t want a relationship with him. I thought, “Frank wouldn’t hurt me like that.” That’s how I realised I genuinely liked him.

Frank: So I was a rebound?

Enobong: Something like that, yes.

Frank: Wow. Well, I realised I liked her when I tried to make her jealous. I had this female friend who came to write exams but was resting in my office. I told the friend to help me gauge Eno’s reaction when she sees me taking her to lunch. As I realised I cared about her reaction, I knew just how much I felt for her.

RELATED: Love Life: Love Is Blind But Marriage Is an Eye-Opener

Were you jealous?

Enobong: Yes now. She was a very pretty girl, and I knew they were close friends. I thought he would go for her over me, but here we are.

Frank: I didn’t even know she was jealous because she never acted on it. She’s never been one for drama.

And how did that progress to dating?

Enobong: Honestly, I don’t remember. I know I started talking to him every day. Before or after the computer classes start, I’d pop into his office to talk.

Frank: Well, we would talk like that for the duration of the computer training period. Then one day, I told her I wanted us to be friends.

Enobong: I remember wondering what he meant. Weren’t we friends? We’d been talking almost every day for a year.

Frank: I liked her a lot and wanted us to be friends. I wanted to know where the feelings would take us.

What was dating like?

Enobong: Well, we saw each other as often as we could because, when the holiday ended, I went back to school in Calabar while he stayed in Lagos. There were no phones then, so we only wrote letters to one another.

Frank: Sometimes, she wouldn’t get my letters, so it was only the love I had for her that kept me going. I’m an architect, and sometimes, I’d get jobs in Calabar, so we’d hangout once or twice during the school year. But asides from that, nothing till the holidays.

How did you people cope?

Enobong: I was busy with school and church, so I didn’t even have the energy to entertain anything else.

Frank: When you love someone, it occupies your mind. My thoughts were filled with her, and I couldn’t think of anyone else. I knew I wanted to marry her, but she was still in school. We decided to wait until she was done with her NYSC.

Funny enough, I’d sworn I would never date anyone who’s still in school because they wouldn’t be faithful to me. But if I’d already broken one rule, waiting for her to finish was something else I could do.

After she was done with NYSC, which was about six years after we started dating, I proposed to her during a get-together at my cousin’s house. I told everyone I had an announcement to make, and I asked her to marry me.

Enobong: I was shocked because I didn’t know he’d planned it, but I’d made up my mind that if I looked for a job for a year and didn’t find one, I’d get married. I loved him enough to marry him immediately, but I wanted to find a job first. When I didn’t, I decided to go ahead with the wedding.

How was that like?

Enobong: My family liked him, but they initially thought I was rushing into it because they didn’t know we’d dated that long. Once I cleared the air with them, they were no longer worried about it. They also thought I should’ve gotten a job first.

Frank: The only problem we could’ve had was that she comes from a very rich family. Me, not so much. My dad had just died, and I was caring for my siblings.

I’m lucky she wasn’t one for extravagance, but I still took it as a challenge upon myself. I wanted to make her happy always. It might be with something small like coming back home with a gift for her, her favourite biscuits, but it’s important she’s happy.

God when? What was it like after the wedding?

Enobong: The year we got married, we had our first child. I don’t think anything about us changed. We were just a couple with a child.

Frank: We prayed a lot and knew this was the path God was leading us to, so we never deterred. Anything that came across as a challenge, we took it to God. We promised ourselves early on that we wouldn’t bring other people into our relationship. It was just us and God.

RELATED: Love Life: We Work Because We’re Deliberate About Our Faith

And your children. How many?

Enobong: We have three children we love very dearly.

Frank: Having children made us love each other more. These were the products of the love we shared.

Enobong: Children bind you to a person, and ours bound me to someone I love.

What’s something about marriage that you realised the older you got?

Frank: Marriage is about working on it. Nobody can say they have it 100%. You started out as strangers, and now, you’re making a life together. There’ll be bumps, but you’ve made the decision to stay together, so you must work on it. You navigate your differences and try to understand.

When we had our third child, there were some complications with the birth and we argued about it for a while. How much rest she was taking and how little she needed to work, but we worked it out.

Enobong: You may have a plan for yourself and the place you want to be at a certain point after being married, but you might not get there. That’s why love is important.

Also, living with someone is much different than dating them. I didn’t know this man was messy. He leaves nylons and food wrappers everywhere.

Frank: It’s not that bad. She’s exaggerating.

Any challenges?

Enobong: He’s messy.

Frank: She’s always saying, “I don’t know,” when I ask her questions. How can she not know? I want to make her happy all the time, but I don’t think I have the capacity for it. I try my best though.

Enobong: You do.

On a scale of 1-10, rate your love life

Frank: An 8. If it were a 10/10, it’ll no longer be a human relationship. We still have our shortcomings, but we care about each other greatly.

Enobong: 8.5 because we understand each other. We try our best.

RELATED: Love Life: 26 Years and We Have No Regrets

Itohan Esekheigbe

September 1, 2022

Love Life, Ships

love, Love life, marriage, relationships, romance, Ships
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Murphy, 25 and Susan, 22 have been together for almost five years. This week on Zikoko’s Love Life, they talk about dating by accident, breaking up at least three times, and getting engaged.

What’s your earliest memory of each other

Susan: We met in 2018 because of a friend. I was going through tough times emotionally and asked this friend if she knew anyone that’d be free to hang out during the school holidays.

She had a friend that was coming to Warri for an internship who needed a tour guide. I agreed and she gave him my number. When he texted me, I replied, “Hey stranger,” and he said, “I like you already”.

Murphy: A tour guide that doesn’t know work. When I asked for a tour guide, I just wanted someone to show me around. I heard there was a zoo in Warri ,and I wanted to see it. Would you believe I actually never saw the zoo? The only place she took me to was Shoprite.

Susan: My mummy didn’t let me go out.

Susan, you agreed to be a tour guide knowing your mother doesn’t let you go out? How were you going to do your work?

Susan: In my defence, I just wanted a friend to keep me company. At the time, my mum didn’t trust anyone with my safety, so I always had to be in the house by 6 p.m. There was no way I was going to take him to fun places and still be back home on time.

That’s why our first meeting happened at the mall.

Looking back at it, I could have been talking to a ghost or a serial killer becuase I didn’t even know what he looked like. I just trusted my friend to not put me in the hands of an evil person.

Murphy: She passed me, and when she came back, she asked if I was the person she was supposed to see. I just started laughing. I wasn’t sure it was her the first time. I thought if she was the one, she’d call my number.

After that time, I started hanging out with her almost every day after work.

Susan: It was every day o. Not almost.

Who is lying?

Murphy: Work would close by 5 p.m. and we’d hang out till her mum started calling her to come home. I enjoyed her company and I didn’t have a lot of friends, so I spent all my time with her.

See romance.

Susan: At the time, it wasn’t romance. We were not together and had only been talking for a month, but I knew he was someone I could rely on. He didn’t try to get information or be nosy. He would just be there.

I remember when I wanted to get a new phone and didn’t have enough money to pay for what I wanted. He was with me while I was trying to strike a deal with the person buying the phone for me.

That’s how he just sent me his salary for the month, which was the balance for me to buy the phone. He told me that if I wanted to pay back, I could. If I didn’t, I shouldn’t. To date, he hasn’t asked me for the money.

RELATED: Love Life: He Wouldn’t Go to London Without Me

AH! In Buhari’s Nigeria? A whole one-month salary!?

Susan: I like to believe he did it because he’s a good person.

Murphy: Well, she needed the money, and I don’t think I thought too much about sending her ₦35k.

Susan: After he sent me the money, I carried him to meet my mother so that if anything happened to me, she could see the boy that gave me the money for the phone.

Murphy: So that’s why you took me to your house? I thought you just wanted to show me your place.

Susan: Ehn… anyhow.

So, when did you both realise you had feelings for each other?

Murphy: In September of 2018, which was three months after we met, I realised I liked her. Meanwhile, this babe was asking me to set her up with someone where I worked because I worked in Chevron. Women.

Anyways, one day while I was viewing her WhatsApp status, she posted a screenshot of a message of a guy trying to ask her out. The message wasn’t constructed well, and it just wasn’t looking great. I felt I could do better, so I reconstructed the message and sent it to her. She replied with a yes, so I was very happy.

Email Murphy sent to Susan

Susan: That yes was by accident o. I was having a conversation with my best friend and she asked me a yes or no question. As I wanted to reply her, his message came in and I ended up sending the yes to him.

RELATED: Love Life: It Was Love At First Talk

Wow. All that message reconstruction for what?

Susan: I tried to delete it after, but he uses GBWhatsApp, so he saw the message. That’s how I entered the relationship.

Murphy: Just for me to wake up the next day to a breakup message.

You didn’t tell him it was an accident?

Susan: I didn’t. He was so happy, and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But later that night, I realised I didn’t want to be in a relationship, so I sent him a breakup message. He didn’t talk to me for the whole day.

Murphy:I couldn’t do anything at work. I was distracted for the whole day. It was so bad even my boss noticed. ___

Susan: I missed him so much because he was the only friend I spoke to constantly, so in the evening, I called him and told him the breakup message was a prank and he shouldn’t be angry with me. That’s how I entered the relationship again.

Murphy: When she called me, I was happy because yes, I was going to be with this person I really liked. Behold, a couple of months later, she broke up with me again.

What did he do this time?

Murphy: Help me ask her because I don’t even understand how it happened. To make matters worse, she’d resumed school at the time and was ill, so I left Warri to Abraka to go and see her. Just for me to get broken up with.

Susan: It was evil spirit. But honestly, I felt bad. I didn’t think I was treating him well in our relationship because I was still struggling with the feelings I had in my previous relationship. He was with me a 100% and I felt I didn’t return the energy. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. When I told him we should break up, he said we should work it out and talk. By evening, we had gotten back together again.

RELATED: Love Life: Seven Years In and We’re Still Excited to Be Together

So, Susan, when did you realise you liked him?

Susan: The very last time I tried to break up with him in November of that same year. He had come to see me in school and seeing his face made me feel like I didn’t deserve him. He had been nothing but kind to me, but I felt scared to go through with it because the last relationship I had before him was a very toxic one. I felt I hadn’t healed enough. When I brought it up, he actually agreed we should breakup. He was tired of trying to convince me to be with him, and if I felt it wasn’t going to work, that’s it.

Murphy: A king that knows his worth.

Susan: He sha gave me a whole speech while a James Arthur’s song Naked was playing on MTV base. It felt like the whole song was about us.

Murphy: That song annoys me so much.

Susan: Every time we hear that song now, he gives me dirty looks. When he slept off, I started thinking about how much I actually loved him.

Murphy: Past tense?

Susan: Baby, love. How much I love this person and didn’t want a life without him in it. So, when he woke up, I started confessing all my feelings to him. I told him how I’d ask him out this time if he wanted me to and I’d go on dates and everything. He was now blushing.

LMAO. Murphy, did you love her?

Murphy: From the first month after we started dating. I’m someone that knows what I want unlike Susan.

Susan: Please, abeg o.

Murphy: So, I knew she was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She’s smart, ambitious, pretty, etc. Honestly, she’s everything I want in a woman. That’s why I kept trying. I wanted to have it in the back of my mind that I tried everything possible to make sure it worked out. I’m happy I tried and we’re where we are today.

RELATED: Love Life: I Chased Her for Almost Two Years

So what was dating like after everyone’s head had calmed down?

Murphy: I was having a great time. We were friends before we started dating, and I think that greatly influenced how easy the relationship was after she calmed down.

Susan: I’m a smitten babe. I am in love with him completely. Dating him is the best decision of my life, and I am grateful every day I get to spend life with him. The only small issue we had was having to deal with different versions of long-distance for a while.

Explain

Murphy: After my internship, I moved back to Benin City while she was still in Delta state. So, seeing her was about a two-hour drive. I graduated in 2019, but she was still in school, so whenever I wanted to see her, I had to lie to my parents I had a job to do in Delta state.

Susan: I travelled to him a few times too, but because I was still a student, my schedule was less predictable. We could have impromptu tests or assignments to submit. I liked school and I liked to keep my grades up, so he travelled more.

Murphy: Then last year, 2021, I moved out of my parent’s house. When looking for a place to stay, I had a few things to consider. I didn’t want a place that would stress me as much as Benin did in terms of random police checkpoints and the likes, and I wanted a safe place.

Susan: He first wanted to go to Lagos but then I don’t like Lagos. It wasn’t a place I wanted to live. So he moved to Abuja.

Murphy: In August. And she joined me in November.

Susan: I moved once I graduated and started house hunting. It was my first time in this sort of committed relationship, and I didn’t want to encroach on his space. I stayed for like three months looking for a house when my mother just told me that I was deceiving myself house hunting.

Murphy: I was trying to help her look for the house even though I didn’t want to.

Susan: Whenever he stopped helping me look for a house, I’d make it a big deal. That he doesn’t want me to find my own place and all of that. Eventually, I too realised I was deceiving myself and it made no sense to live separately because I would’ve just been wasting money on rent.

Tell me about the proposal

Murphy: Well, I decided I was going to propose to her in May in Dubai. I’d told my friends and we’d booked our flights. After announcing to my friends, I realised I actually hadn’t told her parents I wanted to marry their daughter. So, we had to move our trip so we could see each other’s families.

The biggest issue with the proposal is that Susan is very nosy. She’s always asking what I’m doing and where I’m doing it. The day I was to get the ring and propose, we had to lie to her so she wouldn’t suspect anything. We thank God for a successful engagement.

Susan: I’m ashamed of myself because he outsmarted me. I had no clue what was going on. We travel regularly, so I just thought it was a regular trip. Plus, he told me he didn’t plan on getting married soon, so I forgot about it.

We had discussed marriage a couple of times and had even picked the name of our first daughter, but it’s not something I was in a hurry to do.

Congratulations. Now that you’re engaged, do you think anything has changed?

Susan: Nothing honestly. Right now, I feel loved.

M: You no dey feel loved before?

Susan: It has doubled. I don’t just find him as annoying anymore. Now, he’s just cute.

Murphy: Nothing has changed for me. At least, she can’t do me anyhow because she no fit komot again.

So, when do you think the wedding will be?

Murphy: I’d like to say a year from now. We wanted to do it January 2023, but we don’t think that’s enough time. We want to be able to plan it very well. One thing that’s shocked me is how many things there are to do. Ah ah.

Susan: Since the engagement, we’ve not actively planned anything and that’s why we want to move it.

Murphy: We don’t have a wedding planner because we heard they’re expensive. We believe in ourselves that we’re planners by heart.

I will come back to check if you’ve budged and gotten a wedding planner

Murphy: Hopefully we won’t o.

Susan: By the Grace of God, we’ll be fine. I’m not scared of anything happening because I don’t think there’s anything that can make me say I don’t want to go through with it.

On a scale of 1-10, how’d you rate your love life?

Murphy: It’s a 10 for me. I love her.

Susan: If someone checks all the boxes of something you need in a person, then it’s a 10. M checks all the boxes and then even brings some extra to it. Before him, I didn’t know someone could be so intentional about another person, but here he is. My walking bag of joy.

RELATED: Love Life: We Broke Up Once and Still Got Married

Itohan Esekheigbe

August 25, 2022

Love Life, Ships

dating, Engagement, love, Love life, marriage, Relationship
You may be ready for marriage and not even know it. As usual, we’re here to help you. The number of things you can relate to on this quiz will help you know if you’re ready for marriage.

I want to know:

Tick all the things you can relate to:

You’re the first born

You earn in six figures

You wake up before 7 a.m.

You’re the middle child

You love to cook

You like noise

You’re the last born

You have a partner

More than two people add aunty/brother to your name

You live in a city that’s not Lagos

You’re an only child

You have one or more pets

You own one or more cars

At least two of your friends are married

You say thank you Jesus after you sit down

You don’t like noise

You’re older than 24

You got #{score}/#{total}
Please, you’re not ready for marriage. Marriage is not even ready for you.
You got #{score}/#{total}
You’re almost ready for marriage, maybe in two years or in another country.
You got #{score}/#{total}
Nobody is more ready for marriage than you. In our mind you’ve already married. Please do the needful

Prisca

August 12, 2022

In Your Feels, Quizzes

marriage, relate to
Nigerian wedding parties are great — especially for the friends and neighbours that just came for the party jollof.

But have you ever wondered if some couples regret certain things from their big day, though? We asked these eight Nigerians, and here’s what they shared with us:

“Having a big wedding”

— Ola*, 25

I’ve wanted a small destination wedding for as long as I can remember, but I had no choice but to settle for a full-on Yoruba owambe-style wedding because of my husband and our families.

The whole wedding felt like a chore, and it’s still painful that no one listened to me, and I never got the excitement most people get before/during their wedding. It felt more like I was just there because I had to be the bride.

RELATED: If You Have a Yoruba Mother, Here’s Why She’s an Absolute Babe

“Not sleeping the night before”

— Ife*, 26

It wasn’t like I didn’t want to sleep — I just couldn’t because I was too excited. By the time Saturday rolled around, I was extremely tired. I couldn’t enjoy the reception because I just wanted to find somewhere to sleep. And it didn’t help that everyone expected us to spend more time on the dance floor.

RELATED: Five Nigerian Women Talk About Their Wedding Day

“The invitation cards”

— Kenny, 34

I still berate myself for printing invitation cards since most people just got the information from our wedding website. We printed about 200 cards and still had about 100 cards after the wedding. Such waste in this Buhari government.

“I worried about everything”

— Chioma*, 24

I must have been a bridezilla because I was everywhere in the days leading up to the wedding, trying to make sure that everything was perfect. On my wedding day, I kept fussing about different things: the bridesmaid’s dress that needed to be fixed, the makeup artist that came in late, the traffic on the way to the church, etc.

Looking back, I wish I’d just let things sort themselves out and just enjoyed my day. Worse, the pictures bear witness to how stressed I let myself be. Brides-to-be, take note, abeg.

“Not booking backup photographers”

— Demi*, 30

The painful part is that my wife and I promised each other that we wouldn’t be the couple complaining about wedding picture disappointments because we’d get like two backups. LMAO.

Expenses really took a toll on our budget during wedding preparations, and we constantly postponed reaching out to backup photographers until we eventually forgot. We had just one photographer at our wedding, and the pictures weren’t great. The photographer even took forever to share them.

“The decorations”

— Edna*, 29

I let a family friend handle the hall decorations because I was trying to “encourage” growing businesses — big mistake. My heart dropped into my stomach when I stepped into the hall the evening before my wedding to check out what was happening.

The designs were tacky, and they definitely weren’t what I asked for. I had to let my maid of honour tactfully remove some items and arrange for another decorator to assist because if I had said anything, I would’ve beaten somebody up.

“Having a traditional wedding”

— Chi*, 27

Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for honouring traditions. But my traditional wedding (which took place in my hometown in the East) felt like a waste of money. I wish I had been more vocal in pleading with my family to reduce the items on the bridal list.

My husband had to spend so much money pleasing relatives I didn’t even know and buying stuff I didn’t even see — all for a one-day event. He didn’t complain to me, but I think he just didn’t want to come across as weak. I still wish I’d done something.

CHECK OUT: Ten Unpopular Marriage Opinions Young Nigerians Are Not Sorry About

“Getting married in my mum’s church”

— Olanna*, 33

My mum attends MFM while I attend one of these modern pentecostal churches. As much as I tried, my parents kicked hard against getting married at my church. In their words, “What would our church people think?” They even threatened to be absent from the wedding if I didn’t concede to them.

Of course, I wanted my parents there, so I had to give in. I couldn’t wear the dress I wanted, and make-up was out of it. This thing about weddings being the “bride’s day” might be true everywhere else, but definitely not in Nigeria.

*Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.

ALSO READ: My Wedding Dress Got Delivered With a Burnt Patch

Tife Oni

July 8, 2022

Inside Life

marriage, Nigerian weddings, Nigerians, Weddings
There comes a time in man’s life where he must step up and take up the mantle as the head of a home. But to be a good head, you need to find the perfect neck. To all the Nigerian men looking to become husbands before the year runs out, this article is for you.

So where can you find the perfect Nigerian wife? We have answers.

In another man’s marriage

The only way to know if a woman will make a good wife is by confirming that she’s a good wife to someone else. This way, you can assess her CV in real time with minimal risk. After you gauge her wifely skills, steal her! After all, it’s always “women supporting women”, not men supporting men. Her husband will be alright.

Anywhere there is pasta

Nigerian women can smell good pasta from a mile away. This and being able to ignore red flags are one of their many gifts. If you want to find the perfect Nigerian wife (with good taste), go to the best pasta spot and wait. But, just so you know, women who like pasta rarely do broke boys. To be forewarned….

In church singing, “Carry me dey go my husband house,” at the top of her voice

For a woman to sing this song with her full bosom, omo, just know she’s serious about settling down. She’s literally asking God to carry her to her husband’s house, bro. So what are you waiting for? Visit your local spinster’s fellowship today to find your Mrs.

In heaven because the beautiful ones are not yet born

There’s no point looking for what’s not even in existence yet. You may just have to accept that the perfect Nigerian wife hasn’t been born, and manage whatever you’re seeing right now. After all, a bird in hand is worth more than five in the bushes or whatever Chiwetalu Agu says.

RECOMMENDED: 4 Nigerian Men Share How They Felt Before Their Weddings

Old Nollywood films with Tony Umez

The perfect Nigerian wife is probably in an old Nollywood film wearing a boubou and praying that God sends her cheating husband (Tony Umez) back to her. A woman who will stand by you and blame your cheating on jazz? N’dorling, please inject it.

In your mother’s prayers

Your mother has the perfect woman for you. Problem is, this pretty damsel is only available in your mother’s visions. All you need to do now is find a way to manifest her into existence. Light your candles and begin.

In her father’s house turning semo

Why is a good woman outside? The perfect Nigerian wife should be in her father’s house preparing for her matrimonial home. If you find your wife on the streets, best believe you’ll lose her to the streets. Simple maths.

In the club shouting “Ameno Dorime”

If you know you want to marry and still go to the club every day, better just marry someone that can keep up with your liver and poco lee legwork.

In your imagination

You see that perfect wife you keep thinking of? Bro, she doesn’t exist. Know this and know peace.

ALSO READ: 9 Places to Find the Perfect Nigerian Man

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

June 10, 2022

Man Dem

Man dem, marriage, Nigerian Men, nigerian wife
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old woman who didn’t have sex until her wedding night. She talks about how her relationship with God was why she waited till marriage, and how she married, to have sex.

Tell me about your first sexual experience

When I was 12, I had this neighbour who was a year older than me. We grew up together, so I used to go to his house daily. On one of such days, he played a CD that turned out to be porn. We watched for a bit, and then started making out. It happened three to four times over the span of a couple of months.

Did it ever progress past kissing?

It never did.

Why?

I’m a very religious Christian and waiting till marriage is my service to God. I wasn’t saving myself for a man; I was just doing what God wanted me to do.

In fact, in my university, people were taking a “covenant of purity”, but I didn’t because I thought it was unnecessary. Most of the people who were taking the covenant weren’t even serious about it. After they took the covenant, you could see them getting hot and heavy in corners. For me, waiting till marriage was about honouring God, and I knew I didn’t need a covenant to do that. I waited for the right time, but it wasn’t easy.

RELATED: Sex Life: Religious Guilt Made Me Suppress My High Sex Drive

Tell me about it

I tried to date only Christians, but I realised not every Christian was interested in saving themselves till marriage. When I dated those men and made out with them, I felt a little guilty, but the guilt was never overwhelming.

My relationship with God is a very loving one, so I spoke to Him a lot about the temptations I felt. I reminded myself of Christ’s work for me and how the life I live actually belongs to Him. I learnt about Jesus from the point of a Father, not just as a Lord and Master, even though He is.

So, did you stick to it?

Yes, I did! The first time I had sex was on my wedding night at 27. It almost didn’t even happen because we were both exhausted. Before then, many of my friends who had already gotten married shared stories about their wedding night with me. Some said they couldn’t have sex until months after, and I said it would not be me. I refuse!

But the wedding day came, and there was so much going on, we were so exhausted. It was so bad that we couldn’t even stay more than 30 minutes at the after-party our friends organised for us. When we got to the hotel, we just had our baths and dozed off. That’s when one strange breeze blew, and we were awake. Next thing, we were having sex.

Just like that? What was the sex like?

The sex was amazing. It was a bit painful because it was my first time, but he was gentle and soft. It made the experience incredibly intimate. He asked questions and I guided him on what worked and what didn’t.

RELATED: Sex Life: My Husband Taught Me Everything I Know About Sex

Was waiting with him easy?

Of course not. There was even a time I had to stop going to his house for three months because the temptation was choking us. Looking at each other and spending a lot of time together was making it harder.

However, it wasn’t as bad because we wanted the same things. Unlike me, he wasn’t a virgin, but he was celibate in his last relationship and wanted to wait with me in this one. We checked each other and knew when not to go too far and when not to be alone.

I like to joke that we got married so we could have sex. We were everything without the need for marriage. He was my companion and soulmate. The only thing missing was sex. That’s why after a year and ten months, we dragged ourselves to the altar.

Love it. How’s the sex now?

I’m having so many orgasms. There’s something so special about having sex with someone you love, someone who always wants you to be satisfied. It’s magic.

Do you ever wish you didn’t wait?

Not at all! I’m a very emotional person, and sex can be very vulnerable. I wouldn’t want to share that part of myself with just anyone.

So, on a scale of 1-10, what’ll you rate your Sex Life?

One million. I’m having the time of my life. I’ve been having sex with the same person for four years, but it feels like magic each time. I love it.

RELATED: Sex Life: I Was No Longer Scared of Being Sexual in God’s Presence

READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

Itohan Esekheigbe

June 4, 2022

Sex Life, Ships

Faith, marriage, Relationship, Religion, Sex, sex life, Ships
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here. This is Zikoko’s What She Said.

Today’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is Joy Ashiedu, a 36-year-old Nigerian woman. She talks about her big-city dreams after moving from Owerri to Lagos, why she married her persistent lover from Facebook and the challenge of living with her in-laws before finding happiness.

What age did you enjoy the most?

Right now. When I was 28, I assumed marrying my first love would somehow make me happy, but after the first year and a half together, the bliss ended. I spent a lot of years fighting to fix things. Everything was about not ending up in a marriage like my parents. I eventually realised that was unresolved baggage I was carrying with me. I was fighting with myself.

What do you mean by “fighting with yourself?”

I had expectations of the way my life would turn out by 25. I’d never really anticipated marriage, but I’d hoped for something better than what I experienced growing up in Asaba (in my village, Issele-Mkpitime) with my parents. I’m the last of five children, and my older siblings had moved out of the house before I was even nine. So it was just my parents and I until I was 12. I went to secondary school in a completely different town in Delta.

My parents tried to give me the best with everything they had. My father was a farmer while my mum was a trader. The issue with growing up with them was seeing the problems they had in their marriage. They weren’t friends. Half the time, they weren’t even around because of their work, and when they were home, they barely spoke to each other. If they did speak, it was an argument or a physical fight. I saw my dad beat up my mum several times.

At the time, I didn’t realise how much it weighed on me to see my parents living like enemies. I also didn’t know how much their fights would affect my own marriage. I was only focused on getting out of the village and making something more for myself. But that didn’t happen for a long time.

What did you want?

I always wanted my own business. I loved being on the farm with my parents and siblings as a kid, but I wanted more than the isolating lifestyle of being in our village. I always wanted to end up in Lagos. My eldest brother lived there, so I lived with him for two years while I tried to get into university.

Before 2004, I’d only lived in the south. I moved back and forth between my village and Agbor, Delta for secondary school. In Lagos, there was so much going on, and everyone had some kind of hustle going on.

In 2007, I ended up going to school in Owerri because it was the only place I got admission. I took all the Lagos hustle and wanted to start a business there.

What kind of business exactly?

For someone who didn’t have a lot of money, I went back to the south trying to set up an organisation that taught people on campus to market their skills. On some occasions, I’d take my school fees to buy things they needed and get a commission when I connected them with clients. I really had a passion for personal development.

At some point, I was part of the radio outlet on campus. I’d go in to give talks about personal development and entrepreneurship. I was talking a lot more than I’d done in years. When you’re young, you have many dreams.

I was hoping to be somewhat like Fela Durotoye. I’d seen him give talks and wanted to somehow replicate that. I was on track. I went to school debates, won, and even started an NGO. But when I went for my IT in Lagos, I met my husband, Steve. It was 2012, and we ended up getting married immediately after my NYSC in 2014.

Why?

He was a persistent man. I’d never dated anyone before him because most of the men I met on Facebook didn’t last more than one or two chats. On my way to work, a random message came in from Steve, and we got talking. Before the end of the day, he asked for my number, but I wasn’t interested.

Two days later, a security man showed up in my office to tell me a man named Steve was outside looking for me. I’d updated my internship location on my profile months before, so it wasn’t hard to find me. That caught my attention. I couldn’t say no to that level of interest. I gave him my number.

Beyond the persistence he showed, I was convinced we were meant to be together.

LOL. Because?

Before I went back to Owerri to wrap up school and serve, I broke things off. When I went to work the next day, the bus driver dropped me off at the wrong bus stop. I didn’t know how I’d missed my junction. I stood confused on the roadside, trying to figure out my next move. And you won’t believe who I saw in a taxi that was slowing down in front of me. It was Steve. Of course, he told me to get in, and we got into the groove of talking again.

I was convinced that coincidence meant something. It wasn’t anything spiritual, but I just knew I would give the relationship a try again. The incident gave more room for friendship between us.

By the time I was done with school and preparing for service in Lagos, he proposed. It felt natural. A year later, we got married. I was 28, marrying my best friend and hopeful for my career.

What changed?

Steve got a job in Bayelsa, so we had to move to Asaba for proximity. He’d travel to Bayelsa every two weeks and go back and forth.

He went from being a banker to joining Shell as a contract staff. He was making way more money than I was, so it only made sense to move. Before we moved to Asaba, I tried setting up my youth empowerment program, but life as a graduate in Lagos was different. I was a married woman, so of course, I wasn’t getting any money from my parents. I also wasn’t getting enough from my husband. Eventually, I needed to get a real job.

I applied to several companies but never got any positive feedback. Then I got pregnant in 2015, and I knew owning a business would be easier. I wanted to be home with the kids. My husband didn’t like the idea. He expected me to work a corporate job like when we met. I didn’t know that was important to him, and he obviously didn’t know building a business was always something I wanted to do. It was one of the things we began to argue about down the line.

Our marriage just gradually fell apart. His mother and sister’s daughter moved in, and that’s when things really got worse. It’s not that my husband cheated or I hated my in-laws, but I wasn’t prepared for everything that came with them living with us. And for so long.

What were the expectations you had at first?

I expected that my marriage would be better than my parent’s marriage. I expected my husband to keep being my friend.

And what did you get instead?

Dealing with external people made it difficult to connect. It was only me, and I suddenly had three people on one side. I’d bicker about his sister, and he’d tell me I was being heady and stubborn rather than take my side.

His mother was ill, and I went from learning to take care of a baby to fully caring for her because he was away at work. At some point, he associated my complaints with me being jobless and idle at home. I felt horrible. By 2017, the whole marriage was practically gone. We’d had our second baby, and his family was still living with us in Asaba. I was exhausted from dealing with so many people.

But you seemed quite social in uni, you were running a whole NGO. What was the issue with handling people?

In uni, I was working towards a career. Now, I was just being choked up. I never knew how to handle those kinds of family issues. I didn’t have that kind of people skills, and that’s not something I learnt growing up with parents who argue all the time.

My breaking point was when I had a disagreement with his sister, and he kept taking her side. She forgot to pack my baby’s cloth from the line when it got windy, and I hated seeing them on the ground when I got back from the market. Of course, I shouted at her. He kept going on about how irrelevant it was, and it could wait to be addressed the following day. The next morning came, and he went on with the “you’re overreacting” line. That did it for me.

It may seem insignificant, but I was mad. That’s when I packed my things and took the kids to my parent’s house. I was done.

What happened next?

My father was late by then. My mother asked me to go back because she’d stayed in her marriage despite everything. There was no valid reason to pack out of my husband’s house, so I went back.

The bickering continued. I didn’t have a job, and the business I’d been trying to grow wasn’t working. Nothing was working. I felt lost.

So how did you get to your current point of happiness?

This is the part that’s hard to explain sometimes. In 2019, we had a fight about letting the kids do what they wanted. I always had to be the strict parent, and I went off on him for that.

I walked into the bathroom furious. I needed a shower, and I stood there thinking through how the years had gone by since I moved to Lagos in 2014. It seemed so far away then.

In the middle of all the thoughts, I heard a voice asking, “what if you are the problem”. Call it the Holy Spirit, the universe, my mind or a hallucination. Whatever you consider that type of moment, it happened.

Did you actually feel like the problem?

I never did. And that’s why I took it as a moment of epiphany. I’d always thought my parents’ marriage didn’t affect me, but it did, more than I cared to admit to myself. Maybe I should have taken more time to rethink my first love, but that didn’t matter.

I came into the marriage with expectations based on my parents. That was my baggage, and I blamed my husband for anything that didn’t fit the ideal standard of love I wanted. But loving myself first was more important.

What exactly have you changed about yourself now?

I’ve stopped expecting love from people, without first giving it. And it’s saved me so much stress. I had to pull back from the consistent fights with everyone.

I’d diverted from everything I wanted after uni to building and fixing a marriage. And that’s why it was falling apart. It’s not that my in-laws moved out, or my husband suddenly changed, my happiness is more about where my mindset is at right now.

Which is?

Conditioning my mind to take responsibility. I had a part to play in my marriage falling apart. A lot of people would be happier in life if they’d just accept they’re the issue. I started a blog to share my experience, and I’ve slowly rediscovered the driven entrepreneur I once was.

I’m finally earning my own money again. It’s not a lot, but I’ve gotten writing gigs on the side. It took me eight years to get here. I’m happier thinking that I have something to offer again, and that’s what I’m going to hold on to.

Is there anything besides the money that’s made you happier?

Keeping my marriage together. Steve’s mother still lives with us, but I’m a lot less bothered by that. She’s older and needs the company of her son and grandkids, I understand that now. Even when we have our disagreements, I focus on not getting as upset over those issues. When it comes to my husband, I just take away the things he loves.

He knows if he wants something from me when he’s back from work, he won’t get it until he apologises. I’ve just found better ways to get what I want. It’s entirely in the way I respond to the challenges and people around me that’s changed.

I know my happiness isn’t in the hands of someone else.

If you’d like to be my next subject on #WhatSheSaid, click here to tell us why

Ortega

May 25, 2022

Her

First love, marriage, Nigerian women, Owerri
I read the article about Nigerian men and how much they want to earn before they get married. This inspired me to ask Nigerian women the same question. This is what the six women I asked had to say.

“I don’t want to depend on someone else for basic things.”

— Sandra*, 24

I have to earn at least ₦1m per month, that’s the least amount. I don’t want to start off struggling in my marriage. Life is hard, but money makes it easier. Also, I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to depend on someone else for basic things. No matter what men say, I think it leads to resentment. I’ve seen the older generation of women ask for money for things like gas and groceries, and I think it’s because they don’t earn enough. I just want a soft life, the bedrock of which is money, kudi, ego, you get me?

“I don’t think it’s okay to earn less than ₦500k because you’ll eventually bring children into this world.”

— Chiamaka*, 24

I have to earn at least ₦500k – ₦600k after taxes and deductions. There are women who earn less than this and get married, and I sincerely wish them the best, but I don’t think it’s okay to earn less than ₦500k because you’ll eventually bring children into this world, and they are expensive. You don’t want them to suffer. Also, the cost of living is high, and the country as a whole is hard. If you’re not earning enough, don’t get married.

“I should have ₦10m in savings, or the dollar equivalent.”

— Yinka*, 23

I don’t want to earn less than ₦500k. I’m not sure it’s realistic with the way Nigeria is today, but that’s what I’d like to earn before I get married, hopefully, in the next two years, and I know that on my career path as a lawyer, I won’t have achieved a senior role by that time, so that’s most likely what I’d be earning. I also want to have a side business to support my earnings. I should have ₦10m in savings, or the dollar equivalent — since it seems safer to save in foreign currency with the alarming inflation rate in the country. That amount in savings won’t be hard for me to get because I’ve been saving money since I was in secondary school. I’m sure I’ll even pass that amount by the time I’m ready to get married.

RELATED: How Much Do Nigerian Men Need to Earn Before Getting Married?

“I need to have enough money to take care of myself and my household too.”

— Tamara*, 33

I’m not suffering in my mother’s house, so I can’t go to my “marital home” to suffer. Monthly, I have to earn at least ₦400k – ₦500k, and my savings cannot be less than ₦5 – 6m.

The major reason why people divorce, apart from infidelity, is financial issues. Two people coming together as one means they should combine their efforts to build a family. I need to have enough money to take care of myself and my household too. Also, anything can happen. For example, my husband could lose his job (God forbid). There has to be another source of income to fall back on. I’d also want to send a regular allowance to our parents and live a soft girl life too.

“For the married life I’ve always envisioned, an upgrade to €70,000 and above will do it.”

— Kemi*, 25

I currently earn over €40,000 a year. For the married life I’ve always envisioned, an upgrade to €70,000 or above will do it. I want to live the softest possible life. Nothing extravagant or ridiculous, but the best we can both afford. I want to have a luxury apartment in a good neighbourhood, and a good car. Not necessarily luxury cars like Porsche or Benz, but not cars from 2002 either. I want to be able to afford the best possible life for our future kids as well.

“I’m a simple person. I don’t ask for much.”

— Mariam*, 25

I want to earn at least ₦250k – ₦300k monthly and have at least ₦1m in savings. I’m a simple person. I don’t ask for much, and I believe in growing with my partner financially. As long as my career grows and my salary increases over time, I’m good.

*Names have been changed for anonymity.

ALSO READ: 6 Nigerian Women Share The Best Thing About Being Married

Dammy Eneli

April 28, 2022

Her, Money

Her, marriage, Nigerian women, relationships
We’ve talked about what really happens at a bachelorette party. But what’s on a soon-to-be bride’s mind before she says “I do?” In this article, eight Nigerian women reveal what and how they felt leading up to their wedding day.

1. “Nigerian aunties and uncles were the real brides at my wedding”

— Yemisi, 36, married at 34

I got married in 2020. Weeks before my wedding, my face was covered with pimples due to stress from my aunties and uncles. They wanted to control how many people I invited, how much food we ordered, my dress — everything. My parents didn’t make any demands, but they allowed their siblings to stress me. Even my siblings whom I expected to be more supportive were didn’t help. It felt like I was an outsider planning my wedding. My opinions weren’t respected.

A month before my wedding, we were still battling over the guest list. I was over it. I had to take a step back. Anything that didn’t concern my dress and makeup wasn’t my problem anymore. I left my parents and their siblings to sort the rest out.

2. “I felt guilty for grieving my late boyfriend”

— Amaka*, 51, married at 29

The man I married wasn’t who I thought I’d end up with. My previous relationship only ended because my partner died. We’d been together for our final three years of uni, and I’d hoped the rest of my life would be with him. But life happened.

When I met the man I eventually married in 2002, I wasn’t actively looking for a relationship. I was 27 and still grieving my late lover. It’s not that I didn’t like my soon-to-be husband; I just wasn’t emotionally ready to commit. But then I fell pregnant and had to revisit my stance on commitment.

My family wanted me to keep the baby. His parents were thrilled at the thought of a grandchild. I was 28 and uncertain. He’s a great guy, but I often found myself missing my ex-lover. A month before my wedding, I felt grief, guilt and fear — I was a wreck. I was upset that I couldn’t let myself love a good man. I couldn’t walk away from the wedding, though — my baby needed a father. After a year of being married, I learnt to focus on the present, and learn to love the man I married.

RELATED: 10 Things To Be Prepared For When Planning A Wedding In Nigeria

3. “I was planning a wedding after being deported from the UK”

— Feyi*, 48, Married at 34

In 2004, I travelled to the UK with my older sister and her family. It was my first time. I was 29 and thrilled by the ease of life abroad. When it was time to return to Nigeria, I asked to stay back. I didn’t have any papers, but I knew I’d figure it out. My sister didn’t object. For the first two years, I focused on surviving. I worked menial jobs and earned enough to rent a flat. I was doing okay.

When I felt settled in 2006, I met a Jamaican man who was born in the UK. We courted for two years. He knew I didn’t have my papers, so legally getting married was difficult. sadly, in 2008 I was deported. But at least I didn’t get banned from re-entering the UK.

When I got back to Nigeria, my lover and did long-distance relationship for a year. We still wanted to get married, but we wanted to give it some time. At least for things to settle. After a year, he came to Nigeria for our traditional and court wedding. Once we made it legal in Nigeria, applying for a spousal visa was possible. I was hoping for the best.

A month before the wedding, I was only focused on how everything would work out. I wanted to get out of Nigeria. My only fears concerning marriage were our differences. He was a relaxed man, and I tend to be quite loud. He’s also the type that wants to apologise all the time, and me, I’m just stubborn. In terms of culture, we both liked spicy foods. But, seeing him connect with my family didn’t allow me to overthink my flaws or our differences.

When we finally got married and met all the legal requirements, I applied for a spousal visa. The deportation issue slowed it down, but in a year, I was able to join my husband.

4. “Seeing my wedding dress made everything seem so real”

— Amina*, 25, married at 24

At 24, I got married to my university sweetheart. My wedding was in late October 2021 and I’d been planning since April. I had a vivid picture of everything I wanted. So a month before my wedding, I was adding finishing touches, finalising plans with my event coordinator and making sure my husband was ready too. For the most part, I was on beast mode. I wanted perfection.

The emotions about getting married happened to me at my dress fitting. I felt so beautiful. There were no fears or doubts. We’d been together for four years. I’d been excited but scared by the thought of making things official, becoming a wife, but wearing my dress made everything feel…real.

RELATED: 5 Things We Need To Normalise At Nigerian Weddings

5. “I was scared of losing friends and overwhelmed with the thoughts of being an actual wife”

— Chigozie*, 50, married at 20

I wanted to get married right after secondary school. I was 18 then, but my parents kicked against it. I was their only girl, and they wanted me to get a university degree. In the 90s, that was a big deal for parents. So I decided to get into uni first.

During my second year of university, I got married. A month before the wedding, I was scared of how lonely I’d feel becoming a wife because I’d be the first out of my female friends to get married and things would change. Right after classes, I’d have to go back to my husband’s house. I wouldn’t be able to stay in the hostel and gist with my girlfriends. I’d be a wife.

My parents were still strongly against getting married before obtaining my degree. It was until one month before my wedding that I understood why. And a few days to D-day, I cried. It was one thing to think about marriage in secondary school, and another thing to actually be getting married.

6. “I was frustrated with my wedding location”

— Bunmi*, 31, married at 30

I got married after the lockdown in 2021. My parents and grandparents were paying for everything, so we had to settle for the location they picked — Kwara state, just because it’s my hometown. I spent the month before my wedding begging them to switch the venue to Lagos. They didn’t agree. I was mad because I knew my friends wouldn’t be able to attend.

Besides the location issue, I wasn’t overwhelmed about marriage. I’d known my husband for 10 years. My only concern was making sure we weren’t running into debt after the wedding. That’s where our families came in. Even my wedding dress was sponsored by my aunt. I didn’t have to stress myself financially.

My only regret is allowing my grandparents’ photographer to cover the wedding. The photos were blurry.

7. “I was still processing my divorce a month before my second marriage”

— Ose*, 51, first marriage at 27; second marriage at 43

My first marriage was an abusive one. We weren’t officially married for the first five years of our union; we just lived together. When I was 27, we finally had a court wedding in the UK. Before that, I was too scared to leave the marriage. A month before the court wedding, I was living the same life I’d lived — scared and unhappy.

Seven years later, I found the courage to leave the marriage. I filed for a divorce and moved back to Nigeria. I met the man I’d marry seven years later who made me feel safe. I could have an opinion without being scared of getting hit. So a month before our wedding, I felt free. All that mattered was my future.

I’m still processing my previous divorce in the UK, but at least my life isn’t as scary.

8. “I was overworked and stressed out”

— Eniola, 24, married at 24

I got married this year, in 2022 at 24. The whole thing was super was stressful, as we planned the entire thing in less than two months. Our parents had known each other for years, so everyone didn’t see the point of wasting time. I didn’t know where to begin but thank goodness for friends.

My best friend is the reason I got through it. She’d pray with me, follow me to the market to shop for materials, and comfort me when I got overwhelmed. Without her, I’d probably have delayed the whole thing.

Work also stressed me out. I was in between wedding plans and submitting briefs. The worst part was the search for an apartment in Lagos and the unnecessary questions people asked? I wanted to stick a fork in their eyes.

ALSO READ: A First-Timers Guide To Attending Nigerian Weddings

Ortega

April 1, 2022

Her

marriage, married women, Nigerian women
As told to Conrad

Are women the only ones who struggle with infertility? This is a question that has stuck with me for a while now. Maybe it’s the Nollywood films about looking for the fruit of the womb or the hundreds of religious activities that centre women looking to “complete” their family, either way, it seems like men are excluded from this narrative. To answer this question, I started asking questions of my own and that’s how I met Kolapo*.

Looking to start a family of his own, the 38 year-old was shocked when he realised he was the cause of his family’s infertility struggles. I asked him to tell me a little bit about his story, and this is what he said.

For as long as I can remember, the idea of having children had always been a core part of who I was as a person. I remember being asked as a child what I’d like to be when I grew up, and my answer — to my mother’s greatest embarrassment — was something along the lines of, “I want to be a daddy.” But after all the struggles my wife and I have been through in trying to have a child, given the choice, I doubt I’d still choose to be a dad. I’m exhausted.

I met my wife Tolu* in my second year of university. Even though we’d been in the same year and attended the same classes, we didn’t really notice each other until she became the assistant course representative. These days, I fondly remind her of her terrorist behaviour back then; she was the class’” I Too Know” asking extra questions in class and making sure everyone submitted their assignments on time. But I’ll never forget the day she randomly helped me prepare for a test throughout the night when she didn’t have to. Since then, we’ve been inseparable. By the time we got to final year, we were in love and we could weather any storm together.

We graduated, got decent jobs and got married. We could provide the necessities and still travel to Western countries every once in a while. By Nigerian standards, we were balling. For the first two years, we didn’t want kids because we wanted to have a good time and figure out our dynamic without the pressure of someone crying or wanting to suck breasts or something. We had a good time. However, it was when we eventually decided to start having kids that life just started to turn into a pot of spoiled beans.

RELATED: I Got A Vasectomy. Here’s How It Went

We took out pregnancy pills from the equation and started going at it. We both enjoy having sex, so no one needed to tell us to off pant and get busy. We did this for about a year, but crickets. Nothing happened. My wife and I didn’t read much into it, after all, we were still having fun. But when our families started adding their question marks to the equation, we decided it was time to find out what was going on.

I never got tested because I just assumed we were fine. Tolu, on the other hand, was poked and prodded with needles like some guinea pig for months on end. She desperately wanted answers, and while all the doctors said nothing was wrong with her, she still couldn’t get pregnant. Our families piled on the questions because we were both first children in our respective homes and they just wanted to see their grandkids. More questions and jokes about pregnancy made Tolu stressed and insecure. Even though I reminded her that she was enough and maybe we just needed to chill for a bit, she was already invested in this baby thing and there was no stopping her.

Following the advice of a friend at the end of last year, Tolu eventually asked me to get tested too. I didn’t think it was a big deal, after all, as a virile Nigerian man, I couldn’t be the reason for our childlessness. But everything changed when the doctor called to tell me that I had no viable sperm left in my body. I sat there, losing my shit in silence as I prayed and waited desperately for someone to wake me up.

After I got off the phone with my doctor, I left work immediately and headed back home to talk to my wife. It was the most difficult discussion I had ever been involved in. She had a straight face throughout as I gave her a detailed account of what the doctor had told me over the phone. For a second, I thought she was going to leave me. Instead, she held my hands and told me we’d be alright. Since then, every time I start to panic about something, I think back to this conversation and what she told me and it helps me power through h.

CONTINUE READING: 5 Nigerian Fathers on How They Fell in Love with Their Babies

Telling my wife was one thing, but telling our families? Omo, it was crazy. To this day, my mum doesn’t believe my condition is medical — to her, all of this could be solved if only we prayed more often and “moved in faith”. There was a lot of crying, casting and binding on my parents’ side, but that didn’t change anything .

I wish the questions and shady comments came from only our families. But, as with typical Nigerian settings, neighbours, church members and work colleagues also poked their noses in my family’s business. asking about kids and when we were going to have some of our own. It was harder on Tolu because just like I assumed at the start of our pregnancy journey, a lot of people immediately assume she’s the problem, and I can’t go around trying to correct that impression. If I could, I would, but most of them wouldn’t even believe me anyway; they’d just assume I was trying to protect her.

I feel guilty because not only did a part of me feel it was her fault initially, I actually hoped it was her fault. How many times have you heard that a man was the one behind a couple’s infertility issue? It’s always women, so I don’t know why my case is different. I’ve spent the past few months depressed and feeling like shit. Knowing I can’t father my own kids makes me feel like a failure as a man.

I’m still grieving this loss and trying to make sense of it.

My wife has asked that we look into adoption, but honestly, I’m over it — not the adoption, just kids in general. The failure of not being able to father my own children has become too much of a burden to bear, and it has thrown me off having children in general. I don’t know how to tell her I don’t care for kids anymore, especially after all she went through with tests and looking for answers. I’ll go with it, but I don’t know If I’d be able to fully love the child as I should. I’m willing to work through this and I’m seeing a therapist now, but it’s going to be a long journey. I feel like I’ve ruined everything, so building it back is going to take some time.

ALSO READ: 5 Men Share What They Wish They Knew Before They Became Fathers

Conrad Johnson-Omodiagbe

March 21, 2022

Man Dem

as told to, infertility, Mandem, marriage, pregnancy
Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.

The subject of this Sex Life is a 58-year-old woman who has had sex with the same man since she was 26 years old. She talks about marrying the first man she had sex with, learning about sex through pornography and how that knowledge helped her navigate a healthy sex life during menopause.

Tell me about your first sexual experience.

I had sex for the first time when I was 26. I’d been dating this guy on and off for two years. The relationship was on and off because he was cheating on me. Anytime I broke up with him, his sister and some of his friends would call to beg me. They wanted me to stay with him to calm his “rascal nature”. They’d persuade me, he’d apologise, I’d agree, then he’d cheat again.

My first sexual encounter happened on a random day when I went to see him. I can’t remember what even led to sex, but I remember crying after.

Why did you cry?

I cried because, as a Christian, I’d made a vow to have sex only after getting married. With my previous partners, the moment they brought up physical intimacy, I broke up with them. I still don’t understand how It happened with this guy.

So the sex didn’t happen again?

No. It did. I don’t think I had sense anymore.

The second time, his friend asked us to accompany him and his girlfriend to a beach resort. While we were there, this man asked me to marry him. We were on a mat on the beach, and he just asked. After I said yes, I was overcome by emotion and then it happened again. This time, it was less painful and I didn’t cry. I was in the moment and my reasoning at the time was that since I had already sinned, might as well give into the temptation. I knew I was in a safe space and in good hands, so I just let it happen.

But after, I still felt sad. There was this feeling of remorse that always enveloped me when I finished. I’d be full of shame and sadness. I would withdraw and not just speak to him. The act didn’t feel worth it because of the feeling that came after. That’s when I vowed that I won’t have sex again until he paid my bride price.

Meet Aunty Z!, best in relationship advice

Were you able to stick to your vow?

Reasonably. The third time I had sex with him, I felt a bit fufilled. I did say I would not have sex again till I was married, but this time, it happened after our court wedding. So, I was married in the eyes of the law.

However, after, I was still upset because there was no traditional marriage and the vow stated that no sex till he paid my bride price. For allowing me to break my vow before marriage, I said I was not going to wear white on my wedding day. If anyone was to ask why I wasn’t wearing white, I would say it’s because I am not holy.

LMAO. Did he eventually pay your bride price?

We eventually got married when I was 31. He paid my bride price and I had a church wedding. On my wedding day, I didn’t wear white. He just laughed.

Did you ever get over the sadness you felt after sex?

With time, yes. The closer I got to my husband, the more comfortable I felt. Plus, we were married now. Our union meant I was no longer doing anything wrong, and I no longer felt guilt. I felt great, even.

I was beginning to enjoy sex. But there was one issue: I didn’t know a lot about it.

The three times I had sex before marriage were with him. I only knew what he thought was important for me to know. I didn’t know how to play along with his advances or what positions to change to or even that I was supposed to sometimes initiate sex.

A huge part of my lack of knowledge was also because I wasn’t exposed. I grew up in the village, and there weren’t a lot of books on things like this. Not like I would have read them anyways. He on the other hand knew what he liked from the sex he’d had.

Meet Aunty Z!, best in relationship advice

How were you able to bridge this sexual knowledge gap?

When he realised that I knew absolutely nothing about sex, he bought me some blue films to educate me. He’d get drinks and food, and we’d watch them together. He’d analyse it and explain some of the things the actors did and what he liked. He was very patient when it came to teaching me things.

Please, share with the class. What did you learn?

I learnt a lot of new sexual positions with names I can’t remember. Then, I had to unlearn the rest of the shame I had attached to sex. He told me that the things he would want me to do aren’t wrong because we’re married, and he was entitled to it. He said he wanted me to be happy and for himself to get satisfaction so he would not cheat. I was a willing student. I wanted him to be satisfied so that I would not lose him to the people that could do what I couldn’t. The fact that he wanted to show me what he liked, meant I had to cooperate.

The guilt I was feeling eventually turned into joy and satisfaction. What used to be done under the cover of darkness could now be done in the light. I was happy.

However, I never learnt how to initiate sex. I didn’t see myself asking my husband for sex. For me, it happened whenever it happened. I was not really interested.

Who knew pornography teaches patience. So, how many times did sex actually happen?

It depends on the mood and the circumstances. I had a very understanding partner who never bothered me when I was sick, tired or just sad. But if everything is going well, we have sex an average of three times a week.

What kind of mood or circumstance?

If he’s under pressure and can’t sleep, that number increases because the sex helps him relax and sleep well. I still don’t understand that behaviour because when I’m stressed, sex isn’t my solution. I either cry, drink some nice tea or just try to do something relaxing so I can fall asleep.

When we were also trying for a child and it was not forthcoming, sex wasn’t something that was heavily on my mind. Then when I saw a gynecologist, the planning started. We only had sex during specific times in order to increase my chance of conceiving. Sex became a routine and was no longer natural. It was hardly enjoyable. After I eventually got pregnant and had a child, it became natural again and it was fun. We also wanted more children, so we thought that a healthier sex life would help. We never had more children.

Did raising your child affect your sex life in any way?

No. Our child was hardly ever around because of school and staying over at family member’s houses. Plus, we have a very healthy sex life. Communication and understanding are very key elements in how we’ve been able to maintain it. We talk to each other about things we like and don’t like. We’re also very patient with one another.

Must be nice. Was there ever any threat to this healthy sex?

Well, apart from when we were trying for our first child, it was when I was approaching menopause. Not only was I very sickly, but I was feeling dryness in my vagina. Sex was quite difficult because of the dryness, my sickly behaviour and other menopause symptoms.

We had to get even more patient. We extended foreplay time to help relax me. He would touch all those soft spots on my body that made me feel nice to ease me up for penetration.

Then, he gave me room to prepare. He would call and tell me how much he misses me and can’t wait to get home. There were also the little gift he bought me to just make me excited. My gynaecologist also advised me to eat some fruits and exercise more so my body could be more balanced.

Meet Aunty Z!, best in relationship advice

Do you have any regrets with being with just one man?

None at all. I’m content. Regular sex keeps tension at bay. A lot of couples who are always snappy and unhappy probably aren’t having enough sex. I didn’t want to have that kind of tension in my marriage.

Seems like y’all have hacked it. What then will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?

8. It would have been higher, but sometimes I have to force myself to get into that headspace. I’m someone that can go months without sex. I don’t see it as a serious thing. However, the sex is excellent. Our sex life is healthy and we enjoy it. I’m happy.

[donation]

Itohan Esekheigbe

January 29, 2022

Sex Life, Ships

love, marriage, Sex, Ships
Do you want to know the ethnic group your partner should be from? Plan a wedding, and we’ll tell you.

Ifeoluwa Apantaku

January 8, 2022

In Your Feels, Quizzes

ethnic group, marriage, Wedding
Let’s be honest, there are celebrities we wish we could bag, but those celebrities overlook us and get married to someone else. Yes, we are heartbroken, but their partners are equally hot and gorgeous, so nothing spoil. We just want these celebrities to open their marriage for us to enter.

Here’s a list of some of the celebrities we are begging to do this for us:

1. Nse Ikpe-Etim and Clifford Sule

Each time Nse Ikpe-Etim appears on the screen, we are blown away by her hotness. Now imagine how we felt when we found out about her equally hot husband. See ehn, we are not even asking for much. If it’s to be sleeping on the bedroom floor, we will take it like that. They should just open this marriage small, we are already at the door.

2. Daniel Etim Effiong and Toyosi Phillips

Daniel Etim Effiong can get it anytime. And his wife? She can own it forever. But do they want it though? That’s why we are praying and fasting for them to open this marriage. We promise not to bring anybody else in. Once we enter, they can padlock it back.

3. Linda Ejiofor and Ibrahim Suleiman

Each time we see this couple declare love and sweet things to each other, we are reminded of how single we are and how tired our duvets are. Dear Linda and Ibrahim, we beg you in the name of Eros, the Greek god of love. Please nau, give us some of this sweet things you are enjoying. We just want to wear matching pyjamas with you this Christmas.

4. Naeto C and Nicole Chikwe

See power couple nau. Just look at the beauty. Naeto C and Nicole Chikwe, we know you both are “5 and 6“, and there’s nothing between both numbers, but we beg you, can we be the “&” symbol so we are sandwiched between you both? 🥺

5. Simi and AG Baby

AG Baby and Simi should just hurry up and let us in. Is it Deja? They should not worry, we will take care of her. Just open this marriage and give us chair. We will braid AG Baby’s hair and do back-up for Simi, if we have to. Just let us in!

6. Banky W and Adesua Etomi

We are already a part of Susu and Banky’s marriage, they just don’t know it yet. It is when they wake up one midnight and see us blowing them breeze that they will realise it. Love kuku conquers all.

7. Ladipoe and whoever he is married to.

LADIPOE? LADIPOE? LADIPOE? How many times did we call you? First of all, we thought you were single, and then we heard the gist that you are married. We are not angry, we even wrote an article about 8 Simple Ways To Snatch Someone’s Husband And Go Scot-Free, but that did not work. So, we come to you as a publication to beg you for space. We don’t know who you’re married to, but we promise to love her equally.

8. Joke Silva and Olu Jacobs

We just want a love that will last, the same way Olu Jacobs and Joke Silva have lasted together this long. Please ma, please sir, just shift small, let us enter this union and tap anointing. Please.

9. Temi Otedola and Mr. Eazi

Yes, we know they’re not married, but we are booking space in advance for when they marry. Relationship is already sweet, and there is money plus fame. Even if they put us in the backyard, we are fine with it.

10. Ebuka Obi-Uchendu and Cynthia Obi-Uchendu

Ebuka is drop dead gorgeous with a top-notch fashion sense. As if that is not enough, he is married to Cynthia, an equally gorgeous woman. We often see their banter on Twitter, and their chemistry is enough to zap us out of loneliness. So, we beg and grovel and plead: Dear Ebuka and Cynthia, we have brought our own padlock and spare key. Please open the door of your marriage for us, let us enjoy some of what you are enjoying.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

December 16, 2021

Pop

celebrities, marriage, open marriage, romance, third party
People of all ages understand what it feels like to be constantly asked “when will you marry?” especially when they have crossed a certain age.

We’ve put together a list of perfect responses to give when asked: “When will you marry?”

1. “When you stop asking me”

Let them know they are the ones tying your destiny and preventing you from getting married since they won’t stop asking you the question. The day they stop asking you the same question is the day you’ll get married.

2. “God will do it for you”

Confuse them. Let them go to bed that night wondering what God is supposed to do for them. If they won’t mind their own business, you’ll mind it for them and take it to God on their behalf.

3. “I don’t want my life to be like yours”

To be fair, this isn’t actually an insult, it’s an honest reply. You simply don’t want your life to be like theirs. It’s a nicer way of telling them to go and work on themselves.

4. “Any money wey I get now, na for enjoyment, no worry about my future”

Definitely not the answer they expected, but it’s the answer they deserve. Let everybody face their front and focus on the thing that’s bothering them the most.

5. “Are you jealous of me?”

It’s only jealousy that can make anyone invested in your singleness. They can only imagine that life and they want to have it too, but can’t tell you.

6. “Let’s trade places”

Tell them to give up their marriage for you since they care so much about your singleness. You’ll be shocked sha because some people are going to willingly trade places with you.

7. “Crazy things are happenings”

Them asking you “when will you marry?” is crazy thing number 1, your singleness is crazy thing number 2. No one knows which of these things is crazier than the other but crazy things are happening nonetheless.

Ibukun

November 26, 2021

Inside Life

Jokes, marriage, marriage questions
Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

Audio: Love Is Blind But Marriage Is An Eye-Opener

Olaide (29) and Yetunde (28) started out as just friends. But Olaide had plans to steal Yetunde’s heart. In today’s Love Life, they discuss intentional romance, how to steal a woman’s heart, and navigating the first year of marriage.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Yetunde: We were in the drama unit at church. Every year, the unit recruits new people through an audition process, and he was one of the people who came to audition. I was an admin in the unit. This was 2019.

Olaide: The audition was slated for 10 a.m., and I got there at 10:01. When I stepped in, she said, “Hold on, you are late.” I was too tired to argue, I just looked at her and thought, “What’s doing this one?”

Yetunde: But let’s be honest, a minute late is late, considering you were supposed to be there at least five minutes before. Punctuality was the first step. Anyway, he did his audition and was selected. The new recruits go through a number of training sessions before they become fully integrated into the unit, and as an admin, I ought to be present at these meetings. But I was staying on the Island, and the church was on the Mainland, so I missed a lot of the meetings. I was also going through a difficult time in that period, so I went off social media too. And then one morning, he called to check up on me. He said he noticed that I was offline and he wanted to know if I was okay. This small act touched me: members of the unit who had known me for longer did not even think to check up on me, but this guy who just joined was the one doing that.

Olaide: And that’s how we started. I went for her heart and I stole it.

How did you do it? Abeg share tips.

Yetunde: Abeg, abeg, abeg. After he called to check up on me, we began talking from there. He would respond to my status updates, ask about my day, and try to make me laugh. The moment all these started, I quickly assessed him and came to the conclusion that he would rot in the friendzone. Besides, I was not even thinking of dating. I was in that phase where I wasn’t ready for anything serious. I had a number of guys around me and I was feeling myself and saying, “Yes. This is my moment.” One guy would deliver lunch, another would take me on a movie date. Why commit myself when I could take my sweet time to discover my own prince charming?

I’ll give him credit: he did his own share of flattery. He also paid attention to the things I said I liked, the ones I did not. I mentioned that I wasn’t a call person, just chats, and he stuck to the chats. He would send things to my office, and I would collect them and think, “Aww, Mr. Nice Guy.” A colleague at work saw all of the things I was getting from him, and she told me to be open-minded about dating him, but for me, that path was already closed. In fact, I was looking for girlfriends for him. I wanted to be sure that he was safe with someone and that nothing could happen between us. At some point, I told him to stop sending things to my office because I did not want a situation where someone would come and attack me for collecting things from him without intending to date him. Everyone said he wasn’t being nice for niceness sake, that he wanted something more, but he insisted that he only wanted friendship, nothing else.

Olaide: That’s the first tip to stealing someone’s heart: start with friendship. When we started talking, she was not in a good place. Approaching her by saying she would be my wife would be a lot to handle, so I started as a friend. But in everything I did, there was the undertone of my affection for her. At first, she acted like she didn’t see it, and then she said I was using secondary school lines. But me, I was focused. And you know why? God had already told me she would be my wife.

Ahan, Jehovah overdo! Tell me more.

Olaide: Before I met Yetunde, I was in a serious relationship of about 5 years that was sure to lead to marriage. But then one night we were at a vigil rehearsal, preparing for the 2019 June production. When she was leading prayers, a voice said, “Open your eyes and look at her, that’s your wife.” My first thought was, “Shey you dey whine me ni?” I just laughed it off.

But then later, after I had thought about it, I told God, “If she is the one I am to marry, then do your thing.” Not long after that, my relationship hit rock-bottom, and I got into my own hoe phase. The same way Yetunde had guys bringing her things, I also had babes around me. By December of that year, I told her I was going to “clear my desk.” In other words, I was giving all the other girls in my life a red card so I could focus on her.

So, Step 2 is “Focus”. Jotting things down.

Yetunde: And he did focus on me. In fact, he became the dominant guy in my life. With him, every other guy faded into the background. I was told to pray about it, but I refused. Praying about it would mean that I was open to possibilities and I wasn’t. Maybe I had a mental picture of who I wanted my husband to be, and Olaide was not it.

First of all, I thought he was a small boy. I also wanted someone who was Tall, Dark, and Handsome, a God-lover, who would also be charming, caring, kind, romantic, and sweet. He ticked some things — the important things, as I would later find out. But at first, I thought he wasn’t tall or fine enough to fit the requirements I had in my head. But since being married to him, I have come to realise that my village people wanted to get me, because, really, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HANDSOME THIS MAN IS? Nothing can be done about the height again, sha.

Try beans and fertilizer.

Olaide: Ehn? Who do you people want to kill? Please and please, I’m fine the way I am.

He heard from God that you would be his wife. Did you hear the same thing too, or did you get any sign at all?

Yetunde: I can’t say that I did in clear terms. But I always say that God chose him for me or I would have missed it, and what a miss that would have been. Some of my reservations were based on the fact that he was still living with his uncle and wasn’t very financially stable. I’m not materialistic, but I wanted someone with some level of financial comfort. Nobody wan suffer. It seemed like with him, I would have to start from ground zero and the stories we hear about building with someone only for another person to come and hijack the building made me hold back.

Before we started dating, I had said I wanted to be pampered in my next relationship. I wanted to date someone who would spend money on me, take me out on trips, buy me expensive stuff and all of that because me sef deserve am. Others were getting it, so why not me? But with him, I noticed that he may not have so much but he was willing to spend the little he had on trying to make me happy. That, for me, was more important than someone who had the money but wasn’t even selfless or giving. At least with Olaide, I could rest assured that when he blows, my pampering is secure. And now that we are married, he’s not doing badly in that aspect.

Tell me, Olaide. Does she pamper you as much as she wants you to pamper her?

Olaide: LMAO. She tries her best. She gave me the best and most memorable birthday of my life. She also buys me gifts, takes me out for dates, and sends lunch to my office. Until she came into my life, I never knew I loved gifts, or that receiving gifts was an important love language to me.

So, when did you become sure that you had stolen her heart?

Olaide: When she told me she loved me. This was in January 2020. The moment she said it, I said, “Ah, do you mean it?”

Yetunde: LMAO. But you had always said it multiple times. What made mine different?

Olaide: I said it multiple times to ensure a soft landing. I was basically wetting the ground so that it would be easier for you to bear when I started moving like a man ready to drag you to the altar. It’s why you would say something random and I would respond with “I love you.” You were laughing, but I was clearing my path small-small.

LMAO. So, Step 3 is “Say I love you multiple times” Hmm. Still jotting things down.

Yetunde: I don’t know when his tone changed from being playful to very serious, but I looked back at our friendship one day and realised that I had become attached to him even without meaning to. He had become special to me. Valentine’s Day was approaching, and I knew he was going to do something special. I could have delayed the “I love you” till then, but I did not want it to appear like I was saying it out of gratitude for all I was getting from him. I wanted him to know it was genuine. And so in January, I said the words.

Of course, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day. He went all out. Rose petals, surprise getaway, a lot of drama. It was so heartwarming. This man understands love and affection. In July, he proposed, and we got married in October.

Olaide: I would have done more, but COVID did what it did, and so a lot of the places we wanted to visit were inaccessible, and then there was the lockdown too.

How has married life been?

Yetunde: Omo. Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. That’s the summary of it. Marriage has tested me in many ways. The first year is a bit tough, and I often wonder if things would be easier if we had dated for longer, but he doesn’t see it from that point of view. I have had to let go of my stubbornness. Miscommunication occurs and I try to figure things out, and it’s not even working. Sometimes, it gets so difficult that I sit down and think, “What did I get myself into?” Sometimes, I think marriage is overrated. And there are also times where I just want to get through the day and not even think about love.

There are days when we fight and make up, but always, we try to get better. It was tougher in the first few months. He was constantly annoying, but I will be honest, I don’t think I can imagine marriage with someone else. Olaide gets me. Even when we fight, I know he is still my personal person. He’s not petty, neither is he out to get me. It’s rare how we fight and he still assures me of his love. And yet, he refuses to settle in being romantic and intentional, even though we are married. Day after day, he tries to know me more. It’s as though I am an interesting book he never wants to finish reading.

Olaide: Yetunde is my peace of mind with a sprinkle of craze. She brings me so much joy and yet keeps me in check. She’s my very own Comedy Central. She’s a great cook, and her affection is endless. I feel like I am kind, but she’s kinder. She is sweet, and takes to correction, even more than I do. Being married to her pushes me to do better, be better. She is a fighter, and will not settle until she gets what she wants. I could be lackadaisical but her fighting spirit keeps me on my toes.

I’m eager to see her smile, eager to come home to her, wrap my hands around her and kiss her. She’s a vibe and a whole mood, and with her, marriage feels new and fresh, not formulaic. People come to our house and ask why I’m packing her plates and all, but I am more than pleased to do this. She’s also very eager to cover up the places where I fall short, especially financially.

These are a lot of good qualities oh. Aren’t there areas you’d love to see change?

Yetunde: I wish he’d listen more and listen better. Many times, I have to repeat myself and warn him about things because my intuition tells me something is off. But he does not listen until it falls apart and he comes to me. Sometimes, I feel frustrated about having to repeat myself on things and I have told him that one day, I would print out a shirt that says, “Listen to your wife more” and give him to wear, but I am learning how to be patient.

Kindness comes easy to him. He doesn’t hesitate to be kind to me and outsiders. It is in the little things: how he boils water for me to bathe when I’m cold; how he often remembers to buy me Vitamin C. He’s easily trusting too, and these are things I want him to work on. No, I don’t want him to change, but I would love for him to question people’s motives, and take a more critical look at situations more before plunging into them. That way, people would not take advantage of him so much, and he would not take decisions as though he were still single.

Olaide: The dangbana choko part is the part I love the most about her and the part I love the least. I wish she would temper it down a bit, so that little things wouldn’t cause fights.

How would you rate your relationship (and marriage) on a scale of 1-10?

Yetunde: 8. I love that we have a solid friendship as our base. It’s what has helped us weather through, even when it seems like the marriage is turning on its own. It doesn’t feel like marriage in the traditional sense of the word, we’re just chill. We play, gist, gossip, banter ourselves. Even when we fight, we are eager for the gist.

Olaide: It’s an 8 for me too. Each time I wake up next to Yetunde, I feel like I have been given a new lease on life.

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[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

September 2, 2021

Love Life

marriage, romance

As told to Boluwatife

Gbemi, 51

Obinna, 43

Rola, 29

Justina, 40

Femi, 34

Yemi, 31

Jumai*, 59, Widowed

Blessing*, 24, Single

Favour*, 69, Married

Joy*,23, Single

Lolu*, 26, Single

Beauty*, 27, Married

Chisom*, 32, Engaged

Doyin*, 27, Engaged

Ivy*, 23, Single

Somto*, 30, Single

Rotimi, 27

Chioma, 31

Tobi, 26

Ayomide, 23

Femi, 27

Glory, 32

Iyanu, 28

What’s your earliest memory of money?

Why was money a frequent topic?

When was the first time you acted on this urge?

What happened?

What about after school?

How did that happen?

What did that mean for your career?

Before we go on, is being married to a man from a rich family anything like Nollywood depicts?

What was that like? Juggling childcare with a job?

How long did this go on for?

Hmm. Why?

Did you try to do other things to earn money?

What did you do next?

Damn. What was running a business while serving like?

That must have been tough

LOL. Did the job search yield results?

How were you managing three jobs?

Did you leave?

Sorry about that. You went from three income sources to one. What did that mean for you?

How did that go?

Wow. Paint me a picture of how you reacted to this

That kind of income jump probably came with some lifestyle changes as well

How’s your savings goal going?

Let’s do a breakdown of your typical monthly expenses

How would you describe your relationship with money now?

What’s that like?

Rooting for you. What do you think the future looks like for you?

How would you rate your financial happiness on a scale of 1-10?

What would make that number a 10?

Is there anything else you’d like to add that I haven’t asked?

This is Tiffany’s story, as told to Boluwatife

“At least, nobody can call me a burden” — Tola*, 33

“It just works” — Precious*, 29

“It’s my way of showing support” — Lolade*, 27

“It’s quite tough” — Mimi*, 36

“We only go 50/50 on rent” — Nana*, 28

“It’s not a rigid arrangement” — Chinny*, 30

“It sometimes feels unfair” — Glory*, 31

To be the bodyguard

You’re the perfect hypeman

Your managerial skills

The groom needs a getaway driver

ATTENTION

You’re the responsible one

Single pringle

You have the most experience

Please, tell me everything that led to your pastor arranging your marriage

How did he make this happen?

And just like that, you married the man?

How was the wedding?

What happened after the wedding?

Why do I feel like you stopped believing this soon after?

What was it like after hearing his true thoughts and intentions?

What was the last straw for you in that regard?

No!

Physical, how?

**“At least, nobody can call me a burden” — Tola*, 33**

**“It just works” — Precious*, 29**

**“It’s my way of showing support” — Lolade*, 27**

**“It’s quite tough” — Mimi*, 36**

**“We only go 50/50 on rent” — Nana*, 28**

**“It’s not a rigid arrangement” — Chinny*, 30**

**“It sometimes feels unfair” — Glory*, 31**