You know what type of money slaps best? Money you didn’t work for, but not just any type, the one you find on the floor. Take this quiz before you go out today and see how much the universe is sending your way.
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As a Nigerian living in Nigeria, there are days you’ll need a little help so you don’t lose your mind. The nine affirmations below do not guarantee that Nigeria and its citizens won’t do their best to break you. It means that while you’re surrounded by chaos, you’ll at least be trying to manifest a better attitude.
1. “I will not curse anybody’s mother today.”
Everybody in Nigeria is frustrated. As soon as you step out, someone will definitely annoy you. It’s up to you to be the bigger person and leave their mothers out of the insults they deserve. Chanting this affirmation before stepping outside will help you choose peace every day.
2. “Glucose guardian, locate me. And when you do, don’t use me for ritual.”
This is a very valid affirmation because it’s one thing to find a glucose guardian and another thing to find one that isn’t into trading people’s destiny for wealth. Then again, what are you currently using your destiny for?? It might be time to cash it in for an all-expense-paid trip to Seychelles. Destiny is nice, but memories are forever.
3. “I did not kill my mother so Nigeria will not kill me.”
On any given day, there are so many ways Nigeria can kill you. Nigeria’s algorithm can’t be rigged because it doesn’t even work in the first place. You could have a run-in with an okada driver that has a death wish, the roads could give in, the government could import cheap but harmful foods that make your organs shrivel e.t.c. This affirmation is compulsory, not necessary.
4. “Disrespect is reciprocal.”
If respect is reciprocal, it’s only fair that disrespect should have the same quality. No one should be burdened with choosing peace every day. If someone moves mad for no reason, move madder. You’ll feel better. Trust us.
5. “Credit alert locate me. Debit alert avoid me.”
It’s now a running joke that if you breathe in Nigeria, N1k will leave your account. This affirmation helps you manifest more credit alerts than debits. As your crying and praying haven’t worked, there’s no harm in trying something different.
6. “If my boss tries to cost me my heavenly race, we will meet in hell.”
Sometimes choose violence. Just because we called them affirmations doesn’t mean they must be nice. If your boss decides to make life difficult for you, while you’re slaving to capitalism and making a salary that barely pays rent, nobody will blame you for choosing violence. Good luck keeping your job, though.
7. ‘Naira, rise!..”
The goal of this affirmation is to manifest a Nigeria that is human friendly. If the naira increases, the cost of living will reduce and people are less likely to randomly slap you on the road for no reason. Imagine a Nigeria with happy people.
8. “I am love and I am light. Me and conductors will not fight.”
There are principalities and powers, and then there are conductors. These guys bring out the worst in everybody. If you have to enter public transport often, chant this under your breath while they do their best to frustrate you. The worst that can happen is that it works and one less person will insult your mother unprovoked.
9. “This country is not my home. Abroad is the goal.”
You need to say this as you go about your daily life. Say it as you’re in a Keke napep with no roof. Say it as you buy sardine for N700, say it as you stand in a long queue by 7 a.m. in front of a government office you need something from. It won’t take you out of the situation, but it’ll make the situation suck a little bit less.
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Manifesting a good Monday is not as hard as you’d think. As a Nigerian, you already know to expect the worst, it’s time to channel that bad energy into good manifestation and we have a few tips.
1. Do not fight your neighbour
Your day could start so much better if you don’t spend half an hour cursing your neighbour, not even in your head. Did they leave their generator on for an entire night? Yes. Was it annoying? Yes. Do you think they are into money laundering? Yes, but that’s not the point. Manifesting a good Monday is easy, just ignore them, shikena.
2. Have breakfast
A hungry person is an angry person, and an angry person is the devil’s workshop. If food is inside your stomach, you are less likely to want to kill anybody that tries to talk to you, and you’d be in a good mood. This Information is tested and trusted by the foodie association of Nigeria
3. Enter a bike
Not every time comfort. For one Monday, ride a bike from your house to your office, let the breeze touch your face and your one life flash before your eyes. Cheating death has a way of putting you in a good mood.
4. Do something that sparks joy
Treat yourself Monday should be a thing. Deceive your brain into thinking that you are happy. The joy good food gives is underrated and underappreciated but it doesn’t have to be food, it could be buying that shoe that has been sitting in your cart for a month.
5. Make a fire playlist
Music makes everything better. All those songs that have been stuck in your head, put them in one playlist. Listen to it while you take a bath, workout, rush to work and help yourself manifest a good Monday.
6. Don’t open your email until Tuesday
I promise you, nobody will die. Will you possibly lose your job or get reported to HR? Yes, but the point is that nobody will die.
7. Don’t look at your account balance
After spending money you shouldn’t have during the weekend, the best thing you can do is to ignore the lies in your account balance. Don’t check it, especially not on Monday so you don’t fuck up your mood.
8. Don’t go out
Extend your weekend. How could Monday sneak up on you like that? Who made anyone the chief commander of calendar days? For clear skin, extend your weekend and sleep in abeg, stress is not your portion.
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Capitalism is the ghetto and so is being broke. Working for money is the biggest scam of all time and we are sure manifestation is better. Here’s a list of easy ways to manifest wealth:
1. Sleep with candles around you
You need the candles for the manifestation to work. don’t let the thought of fire hazards bother you, nothing can happen to you. The only thing that will happen is wealth, plenty of wealth.
2. Set your 11:11 alarm
You don’t want to ever miss 11:11, whether am or pm. The angels of manifestation walk the streets by that time. Sorry to you if you use 24hr time clock, you have only one chance.
3. Wake up in the morning and shout “i am rich”
Make sure you shout it three times in case the universe didn’t hear the first time. Do this every day till the day you are rich enough to stop.
4. Use this ✨ emoji in all your texts
The emoji contains magical manifestation powers, you won’t need to say anything once your words are written in the stars. Literally.
5. Include wealth in your name
You can include it as a prefix or suffix, whichever one works for you. Translating the word wealth to your preferred language is a better alternative, it adds to the razzle-dazzle.
6. Walk around with arrogance.
Have you met a rich man that is not arrogant?. If anyone complains, tell them it’s because they don’t know better. Let them know you are no longer on their level. This is the best way to manifest wealth.
7. Let your neighbours know that you are now rich
We all know Nigerians love and respect rich people. The respect they’ll give you would be plenty enough to translate to real wealth.
8. Visit a Babalawo
Please inform the Babalawo that you have started manifesting wealth before coming to his shop. Let him know that you’ve played your part. all that’ll be left for him to do is put the finishing touches.