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We all know once we hit the mid-20s, it’s time to prepare for the “When will you marry?” question. Besides the regular “I’m not ready,” have you thought about replying with these things?
Your babe isn’t ready
Finding someone to marry you isn’t the problem. It’s just that they might already be in a relationship with someone else — like the person asking you the Jamb question.
You’re working on it
Telling people you’re working on it is a smart way to make them drop the topic. Because why is marriage a race? You’re not in a rush; nobody should rush you.
You’re waiting for God’s time
Say you’re still praying, and when God says yes, you’ll walk down the aisle. People love it when you involve God in everything.
There’s nothing in the streets
This is your honest truth. You’re the one who’s been in the streets for a long minute, so you know what’s out there. But no cause for alarm; news will disburse once you find your soulmate.
You’re busy finding 30 billion
Let your questionnaires know that marriage is sweet, but when there’s money, it’s sweeter. You need to have $30 billion in the bank first.
Tell them to find you a partner
If they’re so concerned about your marriage life, they should stop talking and find a babe for you.
It’s not your thing
People don’t even care to know if you want to be married or not. What if staying unmarried is your life goal? People should start considering that too. Do they need to be told first?
Is it a dealbreaker whether your partner is a throat goat or not? Seven Nigerian men share their deepest, darkest opinions about sex in relationships with Zikoko.
Laser*, 38, Lagos
Does sexual experience matter to you?
I’m very open to teaching my partner from scratch. I’m patient and always excited to teach.
What’s your ideal sexual experience?
One where we have a conversation before we meet up. We’re clear about expectations and what we’re open to. Then when we meet, we build up to it, letting the tension rise. Lots of foreplay and leading each other around our bodies, the erogenous zones, exploring kinky things we’re both into. Aftercare when we’re done, proper cuddling and conversations.
How important is sexual compatibility to you?
Extremely important. No matter how much I love a person, if sexual compatibility is absent, it’s a waste of time.
Is it a dealbreaker?
No. But she must have an adventurous mindset. It’s only if she’s rigid and not open to exploring that I’ll have an issue. That’s when it would be a dealbreaker.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
My first penetrative sex felt like an audition because she was the one with all the experience. She tried to relax me — I was open about my inexperience — but that didn’t stop me from feeling pressured. I did it with the mindset of someone who had something to prove, someone who needed to put on a world class performance.
I actually lasted, but omo, I was thrusting like my life was on the line. I don’t want to imagine what I looked like with all that concentration and determination. I wasn’t ready for a relationship, so we parted ways soon after.
Nicholas, 27, Ibadan
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
It’s something I think about, however briefly.
Ideal sexual experience?
Having some knowledge is a big plus. If she knows her body well enough that it’s not the blind leading the blind, that’s a good lower threshold. I have my basic practices, but everybody is different, so I expect to learn on the job as well.
Is lack of experience a dealbreaker?
Is this a thinly veiled body count question? I don’t consider lack of experience a dealbreaker. Too much might be, depending on how she acquired the XP (experience).
What’s too much?
After a certain age, being “too experienced” is expected. But if you move like Zidane in ’06, but you’re Messi in ’06, question marks on what necessitated such hypersexuality in your life. Aspects of your history will require a conversation.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
Sex is important, and it’s enjoyable for both parties. Therefore, anything that contributes to it is vital… so I’d say 8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
This one time, I was working from home because my girl and I had fought. I was trying to make amends, but the work day was nearly over, and she still wasn’t happy with me. Then in the middle of a meeting, she became frisky. Having to pause mid-stroke to unmute and give an update was funny.
Sambo*, 31, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
Not really. There are other factors to consider, like shared beliefs, values and interests or money habits.
Lack of sexual experience isn’t a deal breaker?
I don’t really have any. I always consider moderation. Someone who’s experienced might have issues getting along with someone who isn’t because they’ve been exposed to a level of kink they may desire at any time. To avoid stories that touch, let inexperienced people stick with fellow inexperienced people, abeg.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility to you?
8.
What’s your most memorable sexual experience?
I met this person for the first time, we hung out, and the connection was there. That same day, we found ourselves at my place. We had sex, and it was so good. I didn’t expect that on a first date, but I’ll take it.
Ola, 25, Oyo
Does sexual experience matter to you?
Yes. Bring your A game, abeg.
Your ideal sexual experience?
Sex with someone who hasn’t been everywhere. Too much experience can be a dealbreaker for me because what do I want to show you again?
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
9.
That one memorable sexual experience?
My partner was so good, it felt like she wanted to take my life. The foreplay and sex were intense because we both knew what to do, perhaps, too much.
Deji, 30, Abuja
Does sexual experience matter to you?
It’s a plus, but not a prerequisite. I don’t think anything is too much or less. If it’s on the low end, there’s the opportunity to teach her what I like. If it’s on the other end of the spectrum, there’s the opportunity for me to learn new things.
Your ideal partner?
One who’s willing to try new things and explore my body to discover what I like. She doesn’t have to be a pro.
Sexual compatibility for you, on a scale of 1 – 10?
Omo, I’ll give it an 8. However, sex isn’t everything, and I think compatibility can be worked on.
A memorable sexual experience?
I’ve had my fair share, but one that sticks is when the other person made mouth about their game then fell short. I had to shuffle between faking pleasure or hurting their feelings. I don’t know the film the babe watched, but she was biting me “there” and all over my body. She kept making animal sounds while she was doing it. I took the pain in good faith till we were done.
Sexual experience isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it’s nice to have someone who knows their shit. It’s also something that can be learnt, if you guys are on the same page.
Abisola, 33, Lagos
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
When I was younger, it used to be at the top of my list. But now, I know you can teach your partner how to please you and vice versa.
Can you describe the ideal sexual experience?
I want to be sated at the end of every rump. And I hope to satisfy my partner too. That’s it for me.
Do you consider lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker in your relationship?
Well, not really. Whether she has too much sex or too little, there’s usually a reason for it. You don’t usually find partners with equal levels of sexual experience. The partner with more experience can teach the other who has less knowledge.
One can tell if their proposed partner has been in the streets for a long time. And frankly, that’s their business. As far as we both agree to be committed to each other, I’m good.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
6.
Juwon, 36, Sagamu
Do you consider sexual experience when seeking out a relationship?
I don’t.
Do you consider the lack of or too much sexual experience a dealbreaker?
It doesn’t matter to me like that. In fact, some of my relationships weren’t sexual.
On a scale of 1 – 10, how important is sexual compatibility for you?
Let’s say 6.5.
Do you have an unforgettable sexual experience?
This supposed baddie I encountered freaked out after seeing my penis and decided to throw in the towel before the main event began.
To surprise a Nigerian man, you have to be meticulous in your planning. Try these tips if you’re sure you want to organise something that’ll blow your Nigerian boyfriend’s mind.
Plan a getaway
Let your man know it’s you and him for the weekend. No homeboys, no football, just hot couple enjoyment.
Surprise him on a weekend
This agbado era requires hard work around the clock, so chances are both of you would only be available on a weekend anyway. It’s also the one time he’s likely to follow along with your surprise.
Involve his friends
Let his friends know at least a week in advance. Carry them along in your plans, so they can clear their schedules and turn up for their guy’s surprise party.
Plan with his barber to give him a clean cut
Go to his barber and beg him to give your man a mad cut. You need him and his fades fine AF for you.
Tease him that all bills on you
Start teasing from home that you’re covering all the bills. He won’t think about a party but he’ll know he’s about to be spoiled.
Watch him be amazed
Make sure his friends get there earlier, and let him find himself in an ambush that turns into a party. Do this and you’ve done a fantastic job, so why won’t he be amazed?
Or just plan the whole thing in your head
It’s still the agbado era, which means you’re probably broke like the rest of us. Dreaming is free, and it’s the thought that counts.
With everything happening in Nigeria right now, from an inflated economy to a possible war with Niger, it’s possible that President Tinubu might move ahead with his popular “50 million youths recruitment into the army” statement in 2021. So, we’ve made a list of prospective military conscripts into the army.
Gym bros
With some of the weights these guys lift, there must be something they’re been preparing for that the rest of us don’t know about. If the military isn’t sure about where they should go first, iFitness is a good start.
Tall men
“African Giant” but we don’t have giants to scare enemies away. We have the next best thing sha; tall men . They’ll be the eyes of the military, and see above all our enemies.
Jobless men
Please, get the jobless men off the streets. Let idle hands become the army’s workshop.
Alpha males
“Men are protectors and providers” FC, it’s your time to shine. Traditional men too should grab their boots.
Hope the draft meets BBN housemate Pere at home, since he wanted to show soldiers how it’s done.
Short men
Short men are stubborn af. They won’t raise a white flag or accept defeat. They’d rather fight till death.
Nigerian politicians
There’s nothing to be afraid of. Let them defend the country they’ve been stealing profiting from.
Prayer warriors
To be honest, a battalion of prayer warriors can fight the battle alone. After all, the lord is their shield and has also trained their hands for war and their fingers for battle.
Nigerian men troll Nigerian women for fawning over K-Drama men too much. But who complains when women from S.A, Kenya and other countries drool over Nigerian men?
I’m here to tell you K-Drama isn’t the trash you think it is, you just need to see the light, which is exactly what we’ve brought you today.
For romance tips
Can you cleverly and tenderly catch women in your arms when they trip? There’s “romanzzz” to learn Korean shows.
Recommendation: “Boys Over Flowers”
Premium investigation
Women make up the largest part of the K-drama fan base in Nigeria. There must be a reason why. Finding out what these women see in these shows may be the self-improvement you need.
Recommendation: “Law School”
A chance to learn new language
The world evolves every day. Your L1 and L2 are no longer enough in this new wave of globalisation. If you watch and learn well, you might even open a language school and turn it into a business.
Not every time you’ll be doing like Peaky Blinder boys. Is Tommy Shelby’s trauma fun to you? Lee Min Ho and co are less problematic men to emulate.
Recommendation: “King the Land”
You and K-Drama men are more similar than you think
In “Alchemy of Souls”, the king was moving like Nigerian men. First thing he did after shifting souls with the mage was go after the mage’s wife. What kind of bastard konji is that?
Recommendation: “Alchemy of Souls”
Your babe enjoys it
You can’t dislike what your babe likes. It’s an unwritten rule.
Recommendation: “Crash Course In Romance”
Fashion sense
Watch out for the villains especially; they always eat with their fits. Life is more than skinny jeans and baggy Balenciaga shirts.
Everyone has a role to play and so do side boyfriends. To be a successful one means you’ve learnt the ropes and finessed it to your own style.
The above is simply a proverb for not getting in a relationship if you can get all the benefits while staying single. Be a side piece and enjoy these benefits today.
No more guilt
The relationship isn’t your business because there really is no relationship. Their feelings aren’t in your hands, so there’s nothing like cheating when you sleep with others. You’re just a harmless helper.
No heavy lifting
Baecations and the burden of love languages belong to her main man. You’ll do the barest minimum on anything outside sex and being a shoulder to cry sometimes.
Improve your skills
Bro, you got that role because of what you bring to the bedroom, and consistency will make you better at your job. They’ll hail you everywhere you go, king of sexual intercourse.
Free from “breakfast”
When they eventually get served breakfast, they come to you to ease the pain because a side penis is a comforter.
Nobody to checkmate you
Your partner can’t be angry if they catch you with another person. Will they even have time to monitor you when they’re busy trying not to get caught themselves?
You’ll learn contentment
Contentment is one of life’s most important values because we need less greed in this country. Playing your role as a side boyfriend, joyfully eating the crumbs you get and not trying to take the main place is an underrated level of contentment.
We lied, you’re still being played
You thought you could have any kind of relationship and get away with it? BFFR. Your main babe may also have a side piece, or you may turn out to be her side piece too.
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of all forms.
A year after Olumide read Jude’s book, their friendship started. On this week’s #ZikokoMyBro, they share how their work brought them together. Now they’ve kept it together for 18 years and even co-wrote a book, despite living on different continents.
Take us to the beginning of this friendship. How long have you been friends?
Jude: I’ve known him since my first novel “Walking With Shadow” came out in 2005. But we connected in 2006.
Olumide: Yeah.
Jude: That makes it about 18 years now.
How did you guys meet?
Jude: Work. Olumide used to work with a human rights organisation that catered to the LGBTQ community. My novel tackled the presence of the LGBTQ community in Nigeria, and how it has been denied over the years.
Olumide: At the time when “Walking With Shadow” was written, anyone who did that would’ve been considered crazy. There was nobody within the writing space that would have written about a queer character and humanised them. So I read the book, and was like, “who is this crazy person that decided to write about a gay character?” It was quite good. Many of us could relate to the story — having to hide and pretend about who you’re.
A year or two later, I found out that Jude worked in the corporate sector. I thought it was interesting he had a day job, too. I was like, “this guy really has guts.”
Then I read his second book “Blackbird” to be sure he wasn’t a one-hit wonder writer. After that, I asked mutual friends to introduce us. From there, if we wanted to do anything creative at TIERs— the NGO I worked at — I reached to Jude to see if he wanted to contribute or be part of it. That’s how we started getting close.
What was your first impression of each other?
Jude: Deep respect. I found the work Olumide’s organisation was doing very important. If I wasn’t already steeped into the corporate world, I’d probably be in an NGO too.
Olumide: Before I met Jude the guy, I met the Jude the writer. At that time, I still looked at him from Blackbird’s point of view. I thought he’d be one of those queer writers who wrote about queer people but also wanted to be distant from the community. Well, I was wrong. He gave support. He gave his voice without turning himself into a frontline activist.
Away from his work as a writer, I found Jude to be very gentle. Any wahala, he doesn’t want. He creates a safe space for everyone; you can do your thing, and he can do his.
Jude: Wow, Olumide, thank you so much. I’m blushing here.
So when was the moment you bonded?
Olumide: I think this was 2014, when he left Nigeria.
What? But you’d been friends for almost a decade
Jude: We talked but hardly saw each other. I was out of Lagos every two weeks. We knew we could trust each other, which was why he was one of the people I discussed my relocation plans with.
But the bond started getting stronger around 2017. Olumide called me and told me about the birthday of one of our close friends in the UK. He wanted to surprise her and asked if I wanted to come. I was like, “sure” and jumped on a plane from Sweden to the UK.
Why did you leave Nigeria though?
Jude: I was just tired about the situation in Nigeria, and the fact that Jonathan was introducing a new law. As a public figure, especially if you don’t conform to societal ideas of what a man should be, it’s more difficult when you’re out queer and out. It was just uncomfortable for me. I went to the US first and lived there for a year before moving to Sweden, where I’m now a citizen.
How did you feel about Jude leaving Nigeria?
Olumide: At that time, we were all on the edge. Goodluck Jonathan was going to sign the SSMPA. I know staying back in a place like Nigeria that can become unsafe.
But going to start all over in another climate is also a very complex decision to make. I had that conversation with Jude about how being in a new terrain coud be difficult. But he knew he’d be okay by himself. He was a very soft guy, there wasn’t much worry.
Did it affect your friendship?
Jude: Our friendship is very difficult to categorise or put into a specific box. I don’t have to see Olumide every day to know he’s my friend.
Sometimes, we just text or call and catch up on what’s going on. To me, that’s real friendship. I’m a very private person, but if I can open up to you and talk about important things, then you know that I trust you. That’s the kind of friendship I have.
I don’t have too many friends, but friendships are special. We’re linked together, regardless of time, space or when we last saw each other and things like that. Olumide and I don’t see and chat all the time, but every time we catch up, we text or call for hours. So, that’s the only way I can describe the bonding.
Olumide: What you just said is very important because my friends know that I’m a very low-touch person. Sometimes, friends require a certain kind of performance. But not Jude and many of the people I’m very close to. I can go days without talking to Jude, but if there’s something important to do or talk about, I’d jump on the phone and have that conversation.
So, we have that understanding that there has to be space in togetherness. We have assurance in our friendship and feel very secure in it, even when we don’t see each other. We’ve even done a book together without having to see each other. It’s coming out on August 29, 2023.
How long have you guys gone without talking to each other?
Jude: My God. I think COVID-19 was the longest. I hardly spoke to people during COVID period. But the book kept us in. We’ve been running this book since 2017 or 2018.
Olumide: I think the book has actually kept us really close.
Jude: Because of that, we’ve been in each other’s lives. So yeah, we’ve been very much in contact the last five, six years.
This book must be a special one
Olumide: That doesn’t mean that we talk everyday. But it’s been one of the key things that makes our conversation very regular now. Before then, we caught up once in a while to talk.
Jude: I agree our best bonding experience was working on this book —we had a lot of ups and downs from figuring out what to put in the book and what to take out. It’s been nice.
Tell me about a time one person came through for the other?
Jude: I remember the amount of work he did to get my book “Walking with Shadows” to the screens in 2019. I thought it was almost impossible, but he came through. He was one of the hardest working producers on the project and raised the most money. He also coordinated people during the shoot of the film when the movie producer wasn’t around.
Also, he buys and recommends my books, and I get my royalties at the end of the day.
Olumide: I mean, I think it depends on how we look at times that people come through, but I remember when we invited him to Aké Festival, and he showed up. He was in Nigeria for almost a week.
Is there anything you would change about your friendship?
Olumide: It’d be great if we see more in person and talk over things that have happened in our private lives. For example, when I had my son, I wished I could talk to you about what that was like and all.
Jude: I think I was one of the first people you even told you have a kid.
Olumide: If we lived in the same city, you’d have been in the house the next day.
What’s one thing you’ve always wanted the other person to know?
Jude: I think I’ve told Olumide this already; leave Nigeria and move to London. Anyway, I love when he posts photos of his home and his outfits. That’s what I miss about Nigeria. I think we are much more adventurous with male fashion. Olumide has a good taste in clothing. So yeah, I’ve never told you that before.
Olumide: I like the way Jude disappears. I feel like he’s in control of how he engages the world. Jude isn’t on Twitter or IG all the time. He’s living and breathing. Jude is doing things. I really like that because I feel like it gives a lot of people some time to reflect and introspect. So you have enough time for yourself and I really appreciate that. One of the things I appreciate about him is his calmness and self-awareness. He carefully picks his words. He’s very grounded in himself. I appreciate somebody who is soft, but still bold.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
If you don’t send a monthly allawee to your babe, you need to fix up now. We want you to see the light, so we compiled a list of reasons you should pay your lover a monthly salary (if you don’t have money, it’s best to face your front sha).
Because why not?
You’re the lover, the partner, the banana, and the sugar.
Money speaks
Are you spending your millions right if it’s not going to your lover? You’re the bureau de change. Your money is for spending. After all, when there’s money, love is sweeter.
You’re in love
Please, if you love someone and it’s within your means, why not? Drop allawee for every breath your partner takes. In fact, the number of zeros behind what you send her signifies the lengths you’ll go for love.
Love renewal
Every good thing must surely come to an end, but that’s also where the concept of subscription comes in. Better to spend money on premium love than breakfast.
It’s a love language
Everybody knows giving someone money they didn’t have to work for in Nigeria is a love language. Your gift-giving isn’t giving unless cash is inside.
She calls you daddy
That lady calls you daddy, you must do your duties and contribute something to her treasury. Or else…
Unfriendly economy
Nothing is too small to support your babe, please. Inside this economy where petrol is ₦650 per litre and grocery (a.k.a garri) is now almost on top of the food chain?
Make it harder for her next man
Only God knows tomorrow, but if you happen to part ways later, you’d be the standard for her next man in spoiling and pleasing her.
Even if all the reasons we’ve given you aren’t convincing, you can’t deny your Nigerian DNA, we’re known for going all out to spoil women. Don’t be an exception.
But if there are no means…
You can’t kill yourself. If e dey, e dey; if didn’t dey, it didn’t dey. Everywhere is hard, sef.
Growing up as a boy in Nigeria, there are some experiences you can’t escape simply because of acting your age, trends or peer pressure. Which of these things do you remember?
Super Strikas
This football comic book series was the go-to whenever boredom hits. Who is Messi when Shegs Okoro was the best baller ever? 30+ men know.
Wikipedia
Football scars
Do you remember limping because of football injuries but hiding it from mummy? When she eventually sees it, the injury is much worse than it should be, and you’d still chop cane. Especially if you’re holding or pushing her hand away while treating your wounds.
You (obviously lying): It’s not paining me again.
Mummy:
Barbing skin
As a youngster, Nigerian parents will always block your swag. You’re not an obedient or serious boy in Nigerian parents’ eyes if they can’t see the middle of your head. If only you could cash-out every time they said “fine boy” after being forced to barb gorimaps, you’d have been a millionaire since your teens.
Your sibling’s oversized clothes
From the coat your older sibling wore to a wedding no one remembers and passed down to you for your primary school graduation, to their secondary school uniform, every Nigerian child knows mummy won’t buy any new clothes when it’s not Christmas.
First crush
There’s always that one girl whose mum has a shop on your street or the one in your class that you liked so much, all your friends say you never shut up about her.
Trying to grow a beard with spirit
Once senior secondary school started, all that was on our mind was how to grow the three hair strands on our chin into a shiny black goatee we can pull while commanding juniors anyhow. We wasted all the cotton wool in the house before we realised methylated spirit is a disinfectant, not a fertiliser.
Bootcut
Before everyone argued with their moms and tailors about the trousers with thin bottoms, what was in vogue were those trousers that can easily swallow two Health 5 balls right at its bottom.
Pencil/skinny jeans
Before baggies started becoming trendy again, pencil was the star boy that took its shine. If you’re not careful, your tailor will overdo it and you’ll have to wear nylon like socks before your trousers can fit.
Sagging
Long before Naira Marley and the “100 trousers, zero belt” slogan, it was believed sagging originated from prison culture. Can you remember all the times you were beaten for letting your boxers breathe?
Running to game centers
Bro, we can’t really rate your street credibility if you never played Konami at onile’s shop (owner’s shop) while growing up as a young boy. If you’re onile’s fave, he might even let you play a free game. In fact, it probably got to a point where your mum asked the onile to always send you away whenever he sees you.
Not every time pulling out a ring in the middle of a market square or proposing in NYSC camp. Spice things up with these Zikoko-approved marriage proposal ideas.
Make a Nollywood epic
Act like you’re unconscious or dead, and let your babe cry for 60 seconds before you resurrect like Undertaker and propose. Rough play, but everyone will understand once they see the ring.
Invite your partner over for lunch, treat them to yellow eba with their favourite soup and assorted meat. Then watch their face burst with joy as they dig fingers in and find the ring.
Just tell them
This involves the most minimal conversation. Ask your partner if they know what “fiancée” is, then tell them with the straightest face that it’s their new position.
Someone told me this is how Nigerian men propose and I’ve been creasing ever since! 😂🤣 pic.twitter.com/r8hAIa9Gxg
Take your babe for a drive. When you get to a major highway, just pack in the middle to cause traffic. Get out of the car, and when your partner gets down to see what’s happening, take out the ring. Watch people switch from insulting your life to saying congratulations.
Organise a football match
Gather your guys for a friendly match on your local field, and beg them to allow you to score a goal. After scoring, run to celebrate with your babe. Then pull the ring out like this guy:
This is the best marriage proposal you'll ever see. I hope Nigerian girls see this to know y'all don't necessarily have to be dramatic.😒 pic.twitter.com/bbNZUgMuX9
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Toby and Shonnen became friends in 2013 through their love for games and anime. On today #ZikokoMyBro edition, these young men share their friendship story of watching anime together and playing online games to bridge the distance between them.
Over a decade of friendship
Toby: We’ve been friends for about ten years. But we were acquaintances three years before we actually became friends.
Shonnen: We’ve known each other since 2010, our first year of secondary school.
Toby: We became friends in JSS 3, when we found out we had things in common. We started hanging out to play games and then got into anime together.
He was already into anime, but I was quite new to it. I’d only watched one season of Naruto. So one day, I saw him exchanging a season of Naruto with a classmate of ours, and we got to talking about it. Then we started exchanging CDs and would talk about the episodes every chance we got.
Shonnen: Our love for anime and games brought us together. Naruto had a lot of seasons, and we couldn’t afford to buy them all, so we came up with the idea of buying different ones and swapping them. We used to swap PC games too.
Toby: Especially the role-playing ones.
Shonnen: The good old Naruto Base days. Life was so simple then.
Our first impression of each other
Toby: He was a cool kid, one of those who also wore ironed uniforms. He’s always had a crazy imagination, which drew us closer because we could concoct stories on paper and build storylines for days.
Shonnen: He was one of those loud and playful kids. I was playful too but nowhere near his level.
Toby: I became gentle later, but omo, I overplayed for a while.
Shonnen: But after we started sharing anime and playing games together, I realised he was more than just the loud classmate. I really got to know him as a person.
Toby: Over time, we both moved towards the midpoint of our extremes. I became a bit less playful, and he got a little more outspoken.
Growing up together
Shonnen: It was a lot of fun.
Toby: We always found ways to hang out, play games and have a lot of adventures together — we had crazy imaginations, so we created storylines and universes based on just words based roleplaying. We’d build a character and level it up well with nice characteristics and basically roleplay them in our imaginary world all with the words and texts we came up with.
Even after graduating from secondary school in 2015, we kept in touch online and reached out whenever we were home from uni.
Shonnen: Now, we have less time for fun with adult things to worry about. Also, I stayed back in Ibadan since I entered uni, while he frequents between IB and Osun state.
Toby: We don’t see each other as much because when I’m not in Osun state with my family, I’m on a work trip. But we keep in touch via online games and social media.
Shonnen: But distance only affects the time we spend having fun together, not our friendship itself. The connection is always intact whenever we link up.
Our friendship outside of anime and games
Shonnen: Our tastes in everything else are almost worlds apart.
Toby: Actually, they’re not completely different.
Shonnen: He’s like an Alan Walker (producer and electro pop DJ) guy, while I’m more of a Sufjan Stevens (alternative and rock/indie folk artist) guy. He listens to upbeat music generally, and I prefer calm and slow music — indie, alté and the likes.
Toby: That’s the summary. But we jam to the same music sometimes.
I’m more of a beat lover than a lyrics person. I’m more passionate about the symphony, beat and tempo of the whole song. It’s why I enjoy DJ fusions.
Shonnen: But our shared interest in anime and games, and the constant search for money, is what holds our friendship together. Hanging out once in a while just to game online or enjoy anime together is how we hold it together.
Toby: Our friendship is the type where, no matter how long it takes for us to hang out, we always pick up right where we left off. It never feels like we’ve not seen each other in a long time. We still know ourselves at the core; the things that brought us together are still very much things we are interested in.
Shonnen: And we discuss great money making ideas.
Getting used to a long-distance friendship
Toby: It gets weird sometimes. I feel like I might’ve missed a bunch of things that went on in his life, but when we get the chance to catch up, we talk about everything and get each other up to speed. It just comes naturally because we understand that we get busy. No matter how far apart we are, when we’re gaming, we feel like we’re in the same room.
Shonnen: We spent a lot of time growing up together, so a few months of not communicating is nothing.
Toby: We don’t see it as ghosting. We know we’re always a DM away. Chatting online feels almost the same as chatting in real life.
You came through for me
Toby: The first time I ever earned money, in 2020, he was the one who got me the gig.
I do crypto. There are a lot of times when it gets frustrating, like when I get hacked or lose a lot of money. He’s always there to encourage me, and sometimes, even lend me capital to start over.
Shonnen: One time in 2022, things were a little rough financially, and he put me on this arbitrage stuff — to gain from the difference in FX bank rate and black market rate — and I made enough money till things got better. We come through for each other whenever it’s needed.
What I’d change about you
Shonnen: Maybe have him make less noise, or tune his music taste to be a bit more similar to mine. I’d also change the amount of time we spend together.
Toby: I don’t want any changes. But if I had my way, things would remain the way they were when we were in secondary school. We plan hangouts every now and then, but it’s never enough. I travel a lot for work, and outside that, I split my time between Ibadan and visiting my family in Osun state. When I’m finally in Ibadan, I don’t feel like leaving home for weeks. It takes a lot of willpower to visit him.
Shonnen: We actually have a hangout planned. He should be in IB on Monday (July 17).
I want you to know
Toby: I always tell him everything I need to tell him without any sort of filter.
He doesn’t visit enough. I know your side is more active than mine, but I don’t always have to do the visiting.
Shonnen: I’ll visit more.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
Unless you’re subbing us and saying we don’t usually smell nice, why this? Once or twice is enough. But it can’t become a permanent fixture, please.
PS5
You’re setting yourself up to receive less attention from him than you normally do. Do you really want that for yourself?
Scented candles
Sometimes, money is what’ll relieve our stress, not scented candles. Send us money instead.
Underwear
Unless you’re trying to send him away on purpose, don’t buy him something he can’t show off to the world. And even if he can, that’s still not in your favour. Think about it.
A shopping spree
If you take him on a shopping spree, he’ll find out you have money, and all of a sudden, your billings will start receiving more questions than they normally do.
A mobile phone
You’re just making it easier for side chics to reach him, at this point. Don’t do it.
A timepiece
If he really wants to spend forever with you, why does he need to check the time?
It’s not strange for a child to admire and want to be like his father. Apples don’t fall too far from the tree, but how many of these traits are learnt or unconsciously adopted? These Nigerian men share their stories.
“I don’t really socialise, and I suck at communicating” — Mayowa, 32, Lagos
I personally didn’t see the parallel traits, beyond the complexion of my skin, until puberty set in. I’m a mirror image of my father now. Our physical resemblance serves as an identifier within influential circles where my father is well-known. But the flip-side is it’s challenging to establish my identity when others perceive you solely as Mr. X’s son.
But it’s not just our physical appearances. We’re both pragmatic and introverted, which has its drawbacks. Asking for help, networking and socialising don’t come naturally to individuals like me. I make a conscious effort to introduce spontaneity into my life. I recently put a permanent reminder on my calendar, labelled “Call Dad” — a gentle nudge to prioritise regular communication.
“We both go on a rampage when we’re angry” — Bright, 21, Lagos
When I was about nine years old, I noticed my dad had anger issues. He has a short temper and gets furious very quickly. Growing up, I’ve noticed I do things to the extreme when I’m angry too. Like one time in 2021, I was in a heated argument with my sister because of something she did, and it got to the point where I smashed her phone on the floor. But I’m working on controlling my emotions now. I try not to react immediately to anything; I’m learning to be more patient with people. And when I have the opportunity, therapy is something that’s prominent in my mind because I’ve seen my dad’s attitude to his anger issues — he’s not phased by it all but we’ve kind of grown to live with it.
“We overlook things a lot” — Femi, 29, Lagos
My behaviour and mannerisms are closely linked to how my father handles things. He hardly takes offense. During NYSC in 2018, I met different types of people who’d annoy me a lot, but I had an impressive level of restraint. I kept thinking this is what my dad would do. Ironically, he gets inflamed by what you’d consider petty; like slippers scattered around, little dirt unpacked. No one else in my family is like that. Just him and I.
“We can’t ask for help” — Anonymous, 26, Osogbo
I can’t seem to ask for help from people, no matter how dire the situation. I found this out pretty early and chucked it up to my introversion until I was 15. That’s when I noticed my father is like that too. At a time we went through some rough patch at home, I saw him grind through it alone and quietly. I don’t think it’s a pride thing; I’d attribute it to over-independence.
I was surprised when I noticed our similarities because I always thought we were totally different. I think weighing the costs of this “over-independence” every time I need to ask for help goes a long way towards navigating it. When I think about the people who could be affected, I tend to ease up and speak up.
“We both have retentive memories” — Stephen, 59, Oyo
My father (of blessed memory) liked to sing or recite the Oriki of everyone who passed through the front of our house. My father knew the Oriki of every Yoruba names and towns; l’m also good at that. I noticed these traits in me when l was young. I even released an album in 2023. Just like me now, he also dressed well and abhorred dirt.
“I might die helpless if I don’t start opening my mouth” — Babatunde, 26, Akure
I never thought much about it until I was 22 years old in 2019. The country’s economy was struggling, but things were harder at home. I felt like why were my siblings and I even born if our parents wouldn’t take care of us like they should. I always thought with the number of important people my father had as contacts on his phone, there was no way we’d go through hard times.
Fast forward to 2022, I quit my first job and started looking for fresh opportunities, but nothing came. Everything was choking me. Then, a random check-in on a friend turned into an extensive conversation, and I had to come clean that I was jobless. We came up with a solution that helped for a while, but then, I thought to myself, “This is the same thing I correct daddy about. I might die helpless if I don’t start opening my mouth.”
“I don’t want to make mistakes around people” — Micah, 35, Anambra
I’m always trying to be on people’s good sides, especially within the family. I don’t want to make mistakes around anyone or offend them. Whether I’m the wronged person in a situation or not, it’s like I just want you to love me. I’m still trying to figure out what type of hell I’ve found myself in, but this is a major trait I share with my dad, and I think about it every hour of the day.
No matter how old you are, Nigerian parents never stop seeing you as a child. If you like, let your beard be fuller than Chewbacca’s. They remain strict and if you still live at home, your curfew still stands. So, if they still won’t give you your deserved respect, you have to take it by force, try these things.
Drink with your dad
Start going bar hopping with your dad. Nothing bonds two people faster more than conversations while drinking. or you can try drinking together at home and bantering like agemates while getting shit-faced. They’re bound to start showing you some respect when they see that you can hold your liquor.
Or pick up his mannerisms
The earlier your parents start seeing themselves in you, the quicker they realise you’re grown up too. Real recognise real.
Bring your partner home for a sleepover
Just introducing your partner to them will never be enough. Bring them to your parent’s house to spend the night. You need to start doing things that’ll make your parents wonder where you got your audacity from.
You’re the man of your own house now. They probably already want you out of their house sef.
Become a father
When people start calling you “Baba Kunle” or “Mama Nkechi” the same way they’re your parents since they had you. You can finally have some respect on your name.
Bribe them
Something has to give. If they won’t dance to your tune, give them money. Everyone likes money.
Be a disappointment
Nigerian parents become disappointed in you when you start making your decisions they don’t like. Get that tattoo, be okay with being a disappointment and live a happy life.
“Can you come over?” is an innocent four-word question people have reinterpreted to mean “booty call”.
While it won’t be easy to change the public’s view, Nigerian men don’t always mean it that way. They might actually want these things instead.
Your presence as a present
Out of sight is out of mind. They want to prevent that.
To make you fall in love
When Nigerian men really like you, they’ll dedicate all their free time to getting to know you better. A sleepover gives them all the time in the world to look dreamily into your eyes and ignite that spark in you too.
Loyalty tactic
This is a move they’ve devised to show your chasers that you’re taken and not for the streets.
To be treated like babies
Nigerian men crave the baby boy treatment. They want to be able to lay their head on your chest throughout the night. Their exterior may say “hard guy”, but deep down:
A cautionary survey
They want to know your sleeping habits. Do you snore like a frog, ramble in your sleep or sleepwalk? They don’t write these things on the forehead, you know.
To check if you’re a prayer warrior
Another reason why Nigerian men love sleepovers so much is because they get to do night vigils with you, spend the weekend together and end up in church on Sunday. Is it not our elders that say couples who pray together, stay together? We talk to God in this house, dear.
Nothing at all
They just need someone they like around them, but if you offer them the other thing, they’d still appreciate it and proceed to eat it like grocery.
The odds of hearing about a cis Nigerian man curling his toes from prostate pleasure is minimal. But we all know homophobia is the reason the “male g-spot” doesn’t rank high for many cis men, but it’s a hit if you’re adventurous enough to try it.
I’m not trying to impose, but this might just be the new level of sexual pleasure you want to unlock.
First off, what’s the “male g-spot”?
It’s also called the p-spot (prostate spot), but how are cis men to be convinced this is another way to get mind-blowing orgasms if we don’t borrow the “g-spot” from the female sexual design? As the name implies, it’s a sexually sensitive walnut-sized gland that’s just located below the bladder.
The sweet spot
The prostate can be found approximately two inches inside the rectum. It can be stimulated in two different ways, it all balls down to your comfort. You can stimulate externally by rubbing the perineum (a sensitive, erogenous zone between the testicles and anus). Or internally through the rectum, the most direct way.
You might not believe this, but the prostate has almost the same level of sensitivity that the clitoris does. It’s a full-body orgasm ting, bro.
Are you with me?
Eunuch aren’t left out
Demasculinization is the removal of testicles and suppression of male hormones, which is what eunuchs have to do to be, you know, eunuchs. But even they aren’t left out of prostate enjoyment.
Has nothing to do with your sexuality
The male g-spot doesn’t have jack to do with your sexual orientation. Defeat the toxic masculinity, and talk to your partner about it. What’s a hot sex life without explorations?
Set the mood
You want to be fully relaxed and aroused to enjoy the utmost prostate pleasure. It’s totally up to you, but things like a hot shower, foreplay, sensual massages will keep the balls jiggling.
Always be prepared
Once you’ve made up for it, your safety and comfort are next. Clean fingers, short nails, lube. Don’t do anything without water-based lube (the best) or lube shooter (if that’s preferred) — solo or with a partner.
Baby steps
Start slowly. Gently rub and stroke your perineum, try different speeds for different sensations. Iskelebebetiolebebe.
Try a prostate massager
If you’re comfortable enough, why not? Prostate massagers are more available than you think. Do your research, homeboy.
Fear of bowel movement?
It’s a valid question, especially for a first-time explorer. Shit happens, sometimes. Have wipes nearby, just in case.
Breathe and enjoy
Your body’s natural reaction to a prostate massage will probably be to hold in a bit of tension. Try relaxing the body and muscles. Don’t hold your breath, slowly inhale and exhale. Don’t unalive yourself before your time.
Let’s talk about what men do when their significant others aren’t home, shall we? Seven Nigerian men open up to us about how they spend their time when they’re home alone.
“Everything annoys me when my wife’s gone for too long” — Kabir, 28, Lagos
We’ve been married for 11 months. My wife hasn’t travelled since we got married, but I do , once in a while, because I’m a civil engineer. If she travels for a few days , I’ll probably appreciate the freedom of being alone because we’re always in the same space. Audio and video calls will be constant sha. But anything wey pass one week, I’ll start missing her. I don’t even see a situation where we’re apart for more than a week. If it somehow happens, I’ll spend my time hanging out with my friends, but knowing myself, I’ll just start getting angry because I miss her.
“I’m constantly in touch through calls and messages” — Ayo, 34, Chicago
Just having someone you love around is special. But one can’t have her around all the time because of work. My woman is only around for less than 30% of the time. When she isn’t around, there’s more time with the boys, work and TV. But I’m also constantly in touch through calls and text, to manage the lack of presence.
“I read or write and compose music” — Feyi, 40, Akure
If my wife takes a trip with her work colleagues, I get a bit jealous. If she travels alone, I have anxiety because of safety concerns. I love her so much, if possible, she’d be with me all the time. When she has to travel for a long time, video calls help a lot. Alternatively, I stay at home (I’m an introvert) and read or write and compose music.
“I bury myself in work and use music as therapy” — Ife, 29, Lagos
There’s a whole lot of difference when she’s not around. Omo, I dey miss her die. Her touch, presence, food. My wife is the owner and manager of our house, so it’s not the same without her. But I’m never jealous because I know she’s coming back. So in the meantime, I’m home alone, and it’s mostly fast food while I bury myself in work and use music as therapy.
“I take care of the kids with the nanny” — Ifeanyi, 37, Port Harcourt
Having someone to gossip and share moments with, her cooking, kisses and warm hugs — I miss all that. My kids feel it when she’s not around, but I think it affects me the most. I focus on tending to the kids, with the help of the nanny, and I listen to lots of music.
“I stay home, watch a movie, work or cook.” — Demola, 30, Lagos
When you’ve been with someone for so long, there’s an uneasiness you feel when they’re not around — especially for long periods. Luckily, my wife and I are homebodies, so even when we have to go out, we’re both thinking of the quickest possible way to return home. We hardly sleep out or keep late nights.
When she’s around, there’s this unexplained ease I feel just knowing there’s someone I can occasionally snuggle and strike the most random conversations with, hug when I need her or get her to distract me when the pressure from work is mounting. Think of the sudden emptiness you feel when PHCN takes the light; it’s what I feel when she’s not around. I stay home, watch a movie, work or cook. In fact, just some days ago, she mentioned how reassuring it is to know that she can always return home from an outing and I’ll be there.
“Things are boring when she’s not around” — Adeola, 31, Ogbomoso
We’ve been running a business together for a few years now, so we used to stay in the office together, always in each other’s face. We even got on each other’s nerves sometimes. But we recently had to expand, and she’s started managing our new branch. It’s quite difficult adjusting to her not being with me at our old branch, so I sometimes make her skip work because things are boring when she’s not around.
It creates a vacuum at home too; the house gets bigger, and I get angry because everything seems boring. I try to watch a movie, but I still feel her absence because she’s the type to always ask questions, so the silence feels awkward. I don’t cook or eat in the house when my wife’s not around because we always eat from the same plate, and I don’t feel comfortable eating alone anymore. The only thing that keeps my mind distracted from her absence is comedy skits from my favourite comedians on social media. I prefer when we go out, have fun and see places together.
In the thick of fuel subsidy frustrations and criminal price hike on everything, Nigerian men still found ways to be hilarious, especially on Twitter. Here’re some of them:
Napoli just splurged €100 million on its striker, Nigerian footballer, Victor Osimehn and the guy been in Lagos for a few weeks, going around and chilling. In this current Nigeria?
11. The second Lagos
Finally visited Peckham and all I can say is no way you’re living there and be home sick.
First thing I saw was jedi spot, then Amala spot, then the next shop was playing pasuma.
Life Hack : If You don’t have money for food, just buy something to eat. If you don’t have money to buy something, just eat the food You currently have.
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that explores and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Nine and Mudi’s friendship started in 2019 with a similar taste for certain types of music. With over three years of friendship, they talk to #ZikokoMyBro about ditching classes for their interests in crypto and tech, which has improved their standard of living.
Nine and Mudi
How long have you been friends?
Mudi: Four years. That was probably around 2019.
Nine: June, 2019 actually.
How did you meet?
Mudi: It was in uni. We stayed on the same hostel block.
Nine: And we’re both engineering students. We’ve seen each other in class and hostel.
What was the first connection?
Nine: It was our matric day. Both of us stayed back in the hostel (laughs).
Mudi: Yeah, I didn’t want to go for the matric. I woke up late and I saw somebody who also didn’t feel like going. I approached him and asked, “how far, you no go matric?” He said he’d go most likely later. Did he go? Find out next year.
Nine: (Laughs) Bro, that was like our first interaction. The whole matric vibe was dead. So we stayed back.
That was the only connection?
Mudi: When Post Malone’s Hollywood’s Bleeding album came out, I didn’t have a music player to jam it. But someone constantly played the music out loud on my hostel floor. I always wondered who it was because I really fuck with Posty’s music, then I went to check who the DJ was and turned out it was Nine.
Nine: So from there, we started talking about music and school.
Mudi: We skipped classes a lot too (laughs).
Nine: Sometimes I’d be in class, he’d be nowhere to be found. When I wake up sometimes, I often discover I’m not the only one sitting back in the hostel, Mudi is around too. We began spending time together.
Mudi: One time, a math test was coming up, so we went to the class. We didn’t understand a single thing the lecturer taught. We eventually left and did our first night class together to read for the course. That made us closer. My fellow unserious nigga.
Nine: We didn’t want to fail. We knew who sent us to school. Even though we’ve never liked school, we still wanted to try our best with it. And that’s how it has been until now. I think that’s a bond for us too.
Mudi: Thankfully we’re almost done. Just a year left.
What was your first impression of each other?
Mudi: He seemed cool, but I wasn’t sure until he interacted during the matric. He was a calm guy and he minded his business. The music too, no one was listening to Post Malone on the hostel floor that time.
Nine: Other guys would bash our taste.
Mudi: Na Naira Marley boys dey play for speaker. I’ve nothing against that, but I was happy immediately when I heard Post Malone from him. I was happy I wasn’t alone; like thank God o, make e no go be like na me be the only foreigner for this entire place.
Nine: It was just cool. The vibes were just right. Having someone that likes the same things as you, almost the same way you do, I couldn’t ask for more.
Apart from stabbing classes?
Mudi: We actually went through sapa together too.
Nine: Ah. Fuck. We don suffer before we begin soft. Now, things are better than good.
Mudi: We don dey soft small, I’ll not lie. ‘Cause previously, it was sick man. We’d be cooking spaghetti when it’s past 12 a.m because that was when we had money. Just two of us. It wasn’t funny, man.
Nine: It’s plenty o, but there was another mad phase in 100 level. We stayed away from parties because we couldn’t afford tickets. Other guys were there, not us.
Mudi: We no get 1k for ticket, even though we always dress nice. But there was no money. We’d tell each other about parties that were happening but we’d discourage each other from going.
Nine: We’d decide not to go. When people asked we just told them it’d be a boring party and kept it moving.
Mudi: When we stroll past the party venues, we’d just shake our heads. Because of 1k. The only parties we went to happened because I was part of the organisers and I quickly pocketed some tickets. Looking back at it now, it’s crazy. Now, we’re the ones hosting parties and running things.
What was your situation after 100 level?
Nine: Things got a bit better. We began staying together from 200 level till now. We went from hostel floormates to flatmates off campus. I moved out and he moved in with me.
Mudi: Aside from the music and truancy, we decided to grow together. It was like, this is what I’m doing at this point, what are you doing? Let’s make each other’s lives better. It was still rough, but way better than how we used to be.
How did you guys go from being broke to renting out an apartment off campus?
Mudi: Na bull run o. It saved our lives. That period, the prices of tokens were generally rising. There was more inflow of cash to the crypto market and that in turn yielded more profits on investments.
Nine: It was the bull run, man. We thank God.
Mudi: Nine actually introduced me to crypto. In fact, he had been eating good from it before I got into it. It was around the lockdown period. There was distance between us. I was in Lagos but we got talking and he gradually introduced me to it. And we started working hand-in-hand. Little money here and there served us.
Nine: We did stuff together to make money. We’re like the real life crypto bros. There’s also tech stuff. Mudi is a game developer. Got into tech before me. He taught me basic things I needed at that time. Supplied me tutorial materials and made sure I didn’t miss anything. I do UI/UX now.
Mudi: Omo, let me not lie, it’s hard sometimes. Trading coins, buying and selling NFTs, creating and running crypto projects, etc. Dem dey chop our eyes, we dey chop their eyes too sha. It’s wins and losses; steady wins, major losses. I remember how hard it was starting from the ground up a couple times. Same as getting back up from a couple of bad investments. The space is very unkind to whoever gives up and we just pull through with knowledge and experience.
Nine: It’s what has kept us not only afloat but majorly above what we should be running at this level. Nobody wants to hire an undergraduate for doing something they don’t know entirely and man has to feed, look good and still chest billings. I think we’ve been trying sha; learning, working and taking care of self. It’s been better.
How do you hold yourselves accountable?
Mudi: Hmm.. by being vocal. I don’t mind if disagreements probably come from it (we’d settle in few hours). Long as I let you know you’re know when you fuck up and need to do better. He knows me.
Nine: You know I’m the same way too, bro. In doing that and getting things off our chests, we also make sure no one has any pent up resentments or anger. Air out the grievances and make the other party knows how we can do better moving forward.
Mudi: Also, it’s harder than it seems most times because we regularly have to show up for both aspects of our lives (school and our individual career paths). The solution I put forward for us is to regularly have checks about school work outside our friendship. It helps us know what’s happening regarding school. For each other, we develop a reading schedule close to exams and tests and we get stuff done at least.
What holds your friendship together?
Mudi: We always stay in contact, whether we’re in the same area or not. We like to know what’s going on with each other, so there’s no information that’s lost between us at any point.
Nine: We don’t have major friends outside of each other. We’re secluded from school right now. Another thing, we don’t hide anything from each other. Nobody does something without telling the other person what they are up to. Just like the crypto and the tech thing. That’s how it is.
Mudi: I also think the drive for our friendship is fueled by our ability to be there for each other at any point; heartbreaks, finances, even school (laughs). As long as I know I have his back and he has mine, I’m good to go.
Any particular time the other person came through for you?
Mudi: There are countless times, but after we moved from the hostel to an apartment outside school, things were a bit slow for me because I’d just started getting into the crypto space. Nine helped me with funds, taking me through the baby steps, ensuring I was always in the know about what was happening, and helped me even when I needed help with cash.
Nine: There’s been a lot but there was a time I was sick and had to go home. We had a test in school, he took my test for me and submitted.
Mudi: Other things done for each other probably includes being wingmen for each other when it comes to getting women (laughs). Also basic house stuff like cooking and making sure the other person has something to eat when they get back from somewhere.
What would you change about each other and your friendship?
Nine: It’s the money sha. If we were richer, we’d be doing crazy things together.
Mudi: There are many things we’ve been dreaming of doing together. We’ve banging ideas but funds are necessary. Nothing happens when the money is low. I just hope we’ll work harder than we’re now, so that we can get to where we want to be.
Nine: There was a time we got supplies for clothing and made these custom lightning pants but we couldn’t continue with the mass production even though the final product was really nice. It’s little things like this that spark our desire to upgrade to better positions.
So it’s not just crypto and tech?
Mudi: No. We’ve a small fashion startup.
I create custom made fits and I also paint on clothes. The lightning pants were for my fashion brand. Nine handles the creative direction for the brand and also in general. It launched during the lockdown. I made a couple of products, particularly painted trousers for a few people and demos and we got good reviews.
Where do you see yourselves together in five years?
Mudi: Personally, I see myself managing Nine’s music career. Honestly I’d be content with that. He should blow up and I’ll manage his music. Funny thing, I didn’t even know he made music until later I heard some songs he did. I listened and loved them. Since then I’ve been telling him we’ve to push his music.
Nine: I see us making more money together, travelling the world and just achieving.
Music is just what I do when I am alone, tbh. It’s not really a major thing for me. That was why I hardly say anything about it. Most people still don’t know I make music. But I’ll work on being more visible.
What have you always wanted to tell each other?
Nine: Hmmm, it’s the usual sweet stuff we’ve always said na (laughs). Mudi is awesome, nice, cool and great. He knows I have his back anytime, though.
Mudi: Na macho man, he no dey do emotions.
As for me, what I always wanted to let him know is that I like how he works hard towards everything he gets his hands on. His attitude towards life is what I admire too. Although we can change and switch things up, for now this is it. Also, I want to thank him particularly for stuff he’s done for me in the past. I wouldn’t be here without him.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
Nigerian men getting accolades from foreign women isn’t new but it’s getting more popular than before. Video clips of women from other countries, hailing them for their skills in romance and sexual prowess are all over the internet.
Nigerian men are like the biblical prophets that aren’t loved in their own land, but somewhere else.
Agenda or not, we investigated and these are probably the reasons why Nigerian men’s stocks have been skyrocketing abroad and the women there are rushing to buy.
Most persistent
Give it up for Nigerian men’s persistence. Tell them you’re engaged or use your husband’s pic as your DP, Nigerian men still won’t be deterred. They want what they want. Other men sit tight when they hear Nigerian men.
They’re good actors
If these men aren’t acting out scripts for these foreign women that love them, why do Nigerian women drag them even if it’s 3 AM?
Someone said Nigerian men are forming saints because of strict laws abroads.
Because y’all treat abroad women better. There is a system in place to fuck you up when you maltreatment a woman abroad! But in Nigeria, y’all give the bottom barrel behavior to nigerian women. https://t.co/sQoYb9Qux2
— 🧚♀️Oluwadamilolatikiitan🧚♀️ (@princess_shewah) June 18, 2023
Billionaire onye ji cash
Nigerian men strongly believe in the power of money to keep relationships. They’re well-known big spenders that spare nothing when it comes to spoiling women. Isn’t that valid enough reason to become intercontinental darlings?
Intense penising must be Nigerian men’s default feature. If not, foreign women won’t jump at any chance to affirm that the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice. Another proof all the way from Asia.
What Nigerian men have done to the international community is not good ooo 😭😭 pic.twitter.com/DMCpBlOUG5
When you start buying too much into your own hype, you get less in touch with reality. How can it not be a delusion if Nigerian women don’t agree with their foreign counterparts?
Nigerian men’s PR is soo bad 😭😭because how is my dad sitting me down to tell me nigerian men are bad for me and i should stay clear of them
Because Nigerian men typically treat foreign women with more care than they do Nigerian women. Nigerian women are expected to jump through hoops to be chosen & they are also expected to live with way too many shortcomings that is not expected of foreign women. https://t.co/di5BTz7Gnm
Maybe it’s just some heavy, organisedPR we’re seeing lately.
But two truths can coexist, right?
Let’s go argue it out.
When Nigerian women say “Nigerian men treat foreign women better” the important context that’s always missing is that foreign women “treat Nigerian men better too” Different expectations + experiences = different outcomes.
Nigerian men have audacity. That “I’ve to see it through, my boy” type of audacity. But at the sudden mention of blind dates, they lose sight of the endgame.
They may argue that it’s not a popular concept in Nigeria and say they’re not desperate for love, but we know actual reasons why they avoid it.
They like making their own decisions
If you like, know Nigerian men best, know what satisfies them and what turns them on and off, they’ll twist it and say you don’t think they’re decisive. To them, that’s putting their eggs in someone else’s basket in their book. Best to leave them to their ultimate search for love.
They’re on all the dating apps
Blind dates aren’t Nigerian men’s cup of tea. Everything is easier now, they can just hop on RCCG’s ConnectNow and swipe till they find their spec.
Likely to meet an ex
Men that have slept with the whole Nigeria. Especially Abuja and Lagos men. They won’t go on blind dates because the chances that it’s a babe they’ve ghosted is high.
Everywhere is hard
Where’s the money? In these agbado times? The cost of living is too high to risk it. They’re blind to blind dates.
Nigerian men think of themselves as odogwu and king of boys, but they can’t handle rejection. Ego gets bruised and they start asking if they’re not good-looking enough and start showing banks accounts. These same men on blind dates?
Avoid becoming Twitter gist
Nothing sends cold shivers down a man’s spine more than scenes where his date goes on Twitter to sew threads about the experience. The fear of dragging is the beginning of wisdom.
Forming hard guy
Blind dates are for hopeless romantics. Small heartbreak, Nigerian men can’t take. The way they say “is it love we’ll eat?”, “money over everything,” you’ll realise 24 hours isn’t enough time for them to think about money. But the truth is, they’re just running from heartbreak.
Artistes are stepping up and sharing personal experiences about mental health, which is bringing the topic into the spotlight and inspiring others to open up too.
June is men’s mental health month and though it may come as news to some men, we hope it becomes a normalised culture that won’t need reminder at its time. Here are a few deep-cut songs,with themes around mental health that men should listen to.
Trigger Warning: there are mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts.
Duade — Show Dem Camp ft. Cina Soul
In 2019, SDC released its classic album, Clone Wars IV: These Buhari Times; an audio-documentary of the Nigerian political, cultural and mental ecosystem. The fourth track, Duade, (featuring Ghanaian singer-songwriter Cina Soul,) explores the topic of masculinity and depression. Tec opens the song with a message about how men in this part of the world don’t have an outlet to talk and often grow up thinking it’s wrong to express themselves emotionally or be vulnerable.
A Self Evaluation of Yxng Dxnzl — M.I Abaga ft. Niyola
This song starts with a voice note of M.I’s mum telling him to always do the right things and not forget where he comes from and. But all M.I wants to do is “drink, fuck, smoke, chill, party all day still,” with an admission that he’s been battling a deep depression and can be the worst guy sometimes.
This song comes from his most vulnerable piece of art, Yxng Dxnzl (A Study on Self Evaluation). Across the ten-track album, listeners experience the rapper at his most human and honest form, tying mental health awareness with his personal journey, insecurities and short samples of his therapy sessions at the end of each song.
Wetin We Gain — Victor AD
Wetin We Gain was of the biggest hits of 2018. Apart from its catchy chorus and relatability, different meanings (like quick wealth and internet scams) have been attached to the song, in opposition to its actual message; a cry to the heavens for a breakthrough. But it’s even deeper. The most memorable lines of the song expresses the daily fear of average Nigerian men, who feel pressure to be the breadwinners of their families.
I’m A Mess — Omah Lay
After his latest release, Boy Alone Deluxe, we can all agree Omah Lay is the current Nigerian poster boy for vulnerability and emotional travails. On I’m A Mess, he deeply expresses his broken heart, sadness, and finding escape in liquor. Baring age and gender, everyone can relate to this song due simplicity, both in production and lyricism.
It’s Okay To Cry — Yinka Bernie ft. Joyce Olong
Nigerian multidisciplinary artist Yinka Bernie accurately describes the feeling of being stuck; an experience that a lot people today can relate to, on Joyce Olong-assisted It’s Okay To Cry. Inspired by personal experiences which made Bernie doubt his music career; he soothes listeners with an encouraging message of hope and the acceptance of vulnerability “it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel lost inside.” This song feels like reassurance in audio form.
Alpha Ojini’s Tears Are Salty For A Reason EP is filled with deep cuts tracks of vulnerability, but Odeshi explores masculinity and mental health profoundly. Ogranya lays a chorus that expresses bottling up tears and other emotions, and Alpha details struggling with mom’s demise and the ‘manly’ approach his tough dad gave him to deal with the long-time grief. All of this is coupled with the mental stress of surviving Nigeria and an ex serving him breakfast. Ogranya ends the song with “I go still commit” which translates to taking one’s own life; an expression of the last resort if the darkness doesn’t stop hovering over him. It’s a powerful record that reminds one why mental health is important and issues shouldn’t be bottled.
A Song About Suicide (Mr. Babalawo Reprise) — PayBac iBoro
Nigerian rapper PayBac iBoro has been a big advocate of mental health since he made an official entry into the Nigeria music industry in 2015. On his 2018 album, The Biggest Tree (his present to all depressed West African kids), is A Song About Suicide. PayBac expresses strong suicidal thoughts and his final wishes after he’s gone, over a dark fusion of Afrobeats, African percussion, trumpets sounds — all instruments you’d find at interments. Overall, the song is based on his fight to hold tightly to life and his beloved family and friends.
Dance In The Rain — 2face Idibia
This is one of 2Baba’s greatest recordings. A record that pushes a message of deep appreciation for life and enjoying it, taking every breath of air, being present in the moment and staying open to possibilities. In a period like this, this song is a good refresher and great reminder to chin up and stay positive.
How Bad Could It Be — Burna Boy
Off of Burna Boy’s 2022 album Love, Damini, this song opens with the voices of U.K singer Jorja Smith, Nigerian boxer Kamaru Usman, dropping statements about self-control; and making rational decisions during intense situations. Burna Boy glides on the guitar and laid-back beat that accompanies it, singing about the punctures of anxiety and dreadful feeling of searching for answers in the wrong places.
take a break — Odunsi (The Engine)
Odunsi talks about his mom’s constant complaints about his absence from home. But she needs to understand he’s been busy working hard to achieve success and make her proud. If he’s not making things happen for himself, who else will? These are some of the mentally-challenging situations inspired by his personal experience, the song encourages resting and recharging to avoid burnout.
Don’t let your 9-5 or business make you miss out on the softest parenting experience. If you’re considering being a stay-at-home dad, and you need convincing, this is the right place.
PS: Points work best when your wife is a millionaire.
Overcome patriarchy
When you become a stay-at-home dad, you can stop crying about being the breadwinner. Slowly, you’ll break-free from the shackles of societal expectations of men.
Let your woman breathe
Take the role, and let her finally have time to focus on her dream job or having several girls night outs.
No more paying bills
No more school fees, housing or feeding bills resting on your shoulders. Let your breadwinner wife worry about those things.
If you’re so damn good at your stay-at-home dad role, you might never worry about working for capitalism again. You get to work for your family instead, and what’s more fulfilling than that?
You won’t miss milestone moments
Work trip on kids’ birthdays? No more. Meetings during family events? Bye-bye.
You’ll be present now and can finally stop complaining about how you miss important events because you’re grinding for what they’ll eat.
Learn basic life skills
You never know when actually knowing how to cook can make you a world record holder. You also have all the time in the world to learn how to clean up after yourself and other people, nurture a child and sing/produce nursery rhymes.
Become a full-time video-gamer
You get to play your video games during school time. And you could even make some money and recognition on the side. Win-win.
Fill a special content creation gap
Use your rich wife’s money to buy a mic, camera, ring-light and everything else vloggers use these days to create TikTok and YouTube shows. Then wake other men up to this new life with your stay-at-home chronicles.
…eight Nigerian men share how they marked the special day.
“I spent time gisting with him (my father)” — Ayodeji, 27, Lagos
I visited my dad with fruits and spent time gisting with him — he always gives me the tea around stuff going on in the family, life advice and just general gist. I also spent a good part of the day on Twitter and Instagram, where I saw some people’s negative and positive experiences with their fathers. Reading the stories made me appreciate mine more and cherish the moments spent with him.
“I celebrated at home” — Feyisayo, 40, Akure
I’m an introvert, so I was indoors with my family after Sunday service. In the morning, my wife and children presented a gift to me and told me how much they appreciate me. That’s perfect for me.
“My wife spoilt me with food” — Opeyemi, 32, Lagos
I went to church. Then, my wife took me to get a burger. At home, she made white rice and turkey stew for me. Even though I thought I was just doing my thing, my family and friends said I’ve been killing it, and the kind words got me emotional.
“I spent the day at work” — Ifeanyi, 37, Port Harcourt
I was at work, where I posted my kids’ pictures on socials, like I do every Father’s Day. I got some lovely messages from friends and family too, and it felt awesome.
“I spoke to my kid and had some wine” — Imoh Umoren, 40, Lagos
I video-called my kid; I work in Nigeria, and he’s in the U.S. He wished me Happy Father’s Day. Then, I opened a bottle of wine because it’s not easy. My father died when I was a teenager, so I had no chance to buy him anything. The day made me a bit sober as I contemplated the efforts I’ve put into fatherhood.
“It was a reassuring day of love for me” — Vikky, late 30s, Lagos
Unfortunately, my wife and daughter travelled on the day, but we spent the whole time before the flight taking memorable pictures. My wife’s passion and vibe mean so much to me. She made sure to tell me she appreciates my effort, reassuring me of how much she loves and cares for me. It was awesome, special, and I felt like a baby.
“I was in class for most of the day” — Femi, 29, Lagos
I had to attend my postgraduate lectures that day. But there was a huge outpouring of love for my dad in the family group chat. It felt warm, and I’m glad. I think I might’ve underrated how much I love my dad.
“I enjoy fatherhood now” — Nath, 26, Ogbomoso
I tried to run away from fatherhood — I had my kid when I was still a child myself, and it was strange for me — but it’s a thing of joy now. There was little or no time for us because I just started uni. Now, we spend more time together, and I’m happy about it. We didn’t do anything special this Father’s Day, but seeing fathers get their annual flowers was great.
Father’s Day comes once a year. To celebrate 2023’s edition, seven Nigerian men talk to Zikoko about their ideal Father’s Day celebration.
“All I do is put up pictures of my kids on socials” — Ifeanyi, 37, Benin
Celebrating Father’s Day has always been something my wife and kids do for me rather than me doing anything for myself. They wish me Happy Father’s Day, and sometimes, get me gifts. All I really do is celebrate fatherhood by putting up pictures of my kids on some socials. That’s the ideal Father’s Day for me. It’s worth noting and celebrating the life of a father or man with responsibilities, and I appreciate it.
“I’d likely be a father myself before I celebrate one” — Yinka, 30, Lagos
I’ve never really cared about Father’s Day or how it’s celebrated. I was raised by a single mum; my dad wasn’t present at all. So it’s a normal day for me, especially since it doesn’t get a lot of buzz like Mother’s Day and special celebrations for women. If I ever consider celebrating, maybe I’d be a father myself first. But right now, it’s just another day for me.
“Sometimes, I don’t want to be a father at all” — Vick, 23, Ilorin
Let me begin by saying fathers are not celebrated well enough. Everybody knows, but we never complain. Just check how many songs we have for mothers and match it to the ones for fathers.
I don’t have anything planned for my father on this less anticipated day. But God knows I’m trying my best to make it big and give this man the best life. He has dream cars, houses etc., but he prioritises my demands and works hard to meet my needs. I pray to God to spare his life so he can reap the fruit of his good labour. I think of him and cry sometimes. Being the head of a family isn’t always joyful. Sometimes, I don’t even want to be a father at all. It’s a lot.
“It’s a mellow day for me” — Juwon, 34, Sagamu
Oh, I miss my dad. It’ll be a mellow day as usual. I’ll write a song as I’ve done in the last three years, call his wife and relive great moments. God bless his soul.
“Fathers shouldn’t be neglected in their old age” — Folasayo, 59, Ogbomoso
A father should celebrate having kids and his ability to train them to be better people. It’s an important day, and it should be spent with family, love and gifts. Especially older fathers, they shouldn’t feel neglected in their old age.
“I’d love to surprise my dad with a visit to the spa” — Maleek, 27, Ilorin
I don’t really have anything planned, but here’s how my ideal father’s Day would look.
My dad works really hard. Even when you tell him to take a day off, he’d start fixing broken stuff around the house. On Father’s Day, I’d love to surprise him with a visit to the spa. We’d both get a full body massage, relax in one of those hot rooms with thick, white towels around our waist, get haircuts and some facial treatments and get our feet and nails cleaned too.
Next up, we’d go for a medical consultation. He’ll get the best recommendations on natural supplements to boost his immunity and overall health. Then, we’ll go and buy some expensive native clothes. I know he likes lace materials a lot. We’ll get those and go over to the tailor’s shop. Finally, we’ll buy all sorts of chops and drinks to be enjoyed at home with everyone.
I’m one of four boys, so I know I might not have him for a full day. But that’s how I would love to spend Father’s Day with my dad.
“If possible, I’d get him a gift” — Abisola, 32, Lagos
We no really send Father’s Day, but I like the fact that we have a day that celebrates men who’re fathers. I think it makes a lot of sense. Regardless of the hard guy thing, I think we all want to be celebrated. Well, I’ll call my dad to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, post him on all socials and make him feel good about himself. If possible, I’d get him a gift.
You’re the groom’s right hand man on his wedding day and everything that leads up to it. But do you know you fit the role only for these reasons?
To be the bodyguard
The groom knows that in the event of a disruption, you can throw hands. Before they get to him and stain him and his bride’s white, you’d be there to defend them.
Zikoko Meme
You’re the perfect hypeman
You’re not the MC, but your energy is unmatched. How will the wedding party be the talk of the town without you, the life of the party? The bride and groom can’t be too tired to turn up for their wedding day; your duty is to ginger them.
Zikoko Meme
Your managerial skills
Yes, there’s a wedding planner, but this is still a Nigerian wedding. While making sure the planner makes sure the DJ arrives early, you’re helping the groom vibe check the venue’s setup and ensuring all your friends are comfortably fed. Nobody will make sure of these things better than you.
Zikoko Meme
The groom needs a getaway driver
Like those Hollywood movies from the 1980s, your best friend and his bride will be in the backseat while you race them away from those who want to delay their wedding night.
Zikoko Meme
ATTENTION
Zikoko
You’re the responsible one
The groom is excited about his big day, but he can’t have too much to drink or act irresponsibly. So he knew he had to do the right thing and have you behind him every step of the way.
Zikoko Meme
Single pringle
They called on you to be the best man because everyone else is already married. Take it as practice for your own wedding.
Atunbi
You have the most experience
You’ve been the best man for five friends and more than three relatives. At this point, one would think you do it for a living. Your experience is well sought out for.
Let’s find out why +40 Nigerian men receive gbas gbos every now and then.
No patience
It’s like they’ve exhausted the last strand of their patience in their 30s. They tell a woman they like her now, then expect her to process and be their babe five minutes after.
Too unbothered
Their unofficial name is “silent treatment”. If you think you have a masterclass in ignoring people, please, come and try a 40+ Nigerian man first.
Agbaya behaviour
They kiss a babe in her 20s/30s then suddenly remember she’s not their mate when they’re not on the same page. Did you forget you said she should call you by your given name and pull your beard?
Pot belly
This is the official age-group when men fully develop their potbellies. Immediately they start seeing money, the next thing is big stomach. Maybe we need to ban poundo and beer.
Hey there, catch the crazy dating stories of our 40+ anonymous writer. First story drops today.
Forming busy
40+ men after 15 seconds of hugging are already shouting, “Please, get up. I have a lot of work to do.” Workaholic, chill o.
Flirting is stressful
Aside from telling women to drop “mister” and just call you your name, do you have anything exciting to offer?
Sleeping early
After dinner, they’re always tired. Can’t watch a movie without dozing off. It’s just 9 p.m., and they’re already snoring in bed. You’re a man, FFS. Can’t you fight nature?
Unaware of trends
Can’t even blame them for this one. They don’t have Twitter accounts; you can only catch them on Facebook and WhatsApp.
Bloody liar
One of their favourite quotes is “Young woman, I’ll take care of you.” Telling these big lies all over town while your wife and three kids are at home praying for your safe return? Hmm..
Double wahala
Women suddenly realize 40+ men are worse than those in their youth.
Men realising they’ll always be dragged like Tiger gen.
It’s time to look into some things Nigerian men need to put less vim into. Zero deniability for them on these ones; Nigerian men need to chill.
Over staring
Understandable that your eyes have never seen a type of beauty, but also understand you make people uncomfortable when you pin your eyeballs on them. You need to learn to look and waka pass.
Zikoko Memes
Wack pick-up lines
Nigerian men are so funny, they’ll tickle you without touching you. But do they know you’re actually laughing at them because of their funny pick-up lines? Just say “hi”, bro.
Zikoko Memes
Calling people “boss”
Ask for their names. Their parents didn’t name them “boss” or “my g”, FFS.
Zikoko Memes
Receiving cheap gifts
Singlets and boxers were bad enough. But slippers? How did the bar go to the bottom? Can you slow down on accepting the barest minimum, please?
Have Nigerian men checked Twitter today? They’re dragging them for chasing women above their earning bracket. Not broke-shaming o, but omo, better face your front.
Zikoko Memes
Blaming the pads for your game loss
The gamepad is to help you to control your players however you like, but you can’t help but slap it on your thigh when you lose a game. The pad is not the problem here. Why are you blaming it for your incompetence?
Quickmemes
Niceness ≠ romantic feelings
Hopeless romantic, why are you always catching feelings off basic compliments? Slow down and stop playing yourself, chief.
Zikoko Memes
Overchasing
You should know when you’re doing too much just to be with people who don’t want you. If it’s not money, why do you want to die there?
Men and football are like five and six. As the season draws to a close and the major football leagues go on break, we look forward to the rest of the games on the calendar.
On the 10th of June, the 2022/2023 UEFA Champions League Final goes down in Istanbul. In anticipation of the faceoff between Manchester City and Inter Milan, here are the best ways to enjoy the showdown.
Take a loan to watch the game live in Istanbul
Are you a true fan of the game if you’ve not watched a major team play live? We know Nigeria’s economy isn’t smiling right now, but you might have a reason when you book a ticket to Istanbul. Approach your LAPO Microfinance Bank or Palmpay for loans to fund your passion for football today. You’ll also get to watch Burna Boy perform live at the UEFA final opening ceremony, and a chance to sight-see the city.
Enter your local viewing centre
Why stay in the comfort of your home and miss the football shenanigans, premium banter and insults that’ll fly in a viewing centre? Yes, everywhere will be full and tight. Heat will choke. Someone’s head won’t let you see half of the TV screen, but that’s part of what makes it fun.
Get to the viewing centre before everyone else
Make sure you sit directly in front of the TV. If it doesn’t feel like you can almost touch the players, why are you in the viewing centre?
Sit close to rival team fans
If not, who’ll you troll and ask why his team is playing so woefully?
Stay happy and be merry
Find others with common agenda at your local viewing centre and turn the UEFA final into a ceremony. Eat some food and drink the tears of your rivals to step down.
If you’re watching at home, get a cheerleader
You might not enjoy the game, but the loss might be bearable if the LOYL will rub your head and tell you sorry. Single-pringles, stay in the viewing centre with your guys. Sorry to you.
Better pray
This is football and anything can’t happen. If you’ve made mouth or bets or you’ve expectations, better pray to God the team wins, else they might shame you. An easier way is to command the rival team to lose.
My Bro is a bi-weekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
A mutual friend brought Rhaffy and Dwin, the Stoic to work with them in a recording studio in 2018. They quickly bonded, and their work relationship has since blossomed into a friendship.
Let’s start from the beginning. When and how did you guys meet?
Dwin: We met at a recording studio in Victoria Island through Otims, a mutual friend who wanted to work with me after my first album dropped. Rhaffy was going to produce it. That night, we worked on a song and connected so well.
Rhaffy: I think I still have that song somewhere on my Drive.
First impressions of each other?
Rhaffy: He was open-minded. You know, sometimes, when you work with someone for the first time, they want to be in their space and do their own thing, but it was different with Dwin. He was calm; he didn’t even seem like an artist that had already dropped a body of work. Dwin’s personality is an interesting one — when you meet him, you get this feeling of “Oh, let’s keep this going.”
Dwin: In this music business, you can work with someone once and never do it again. But that wasn’t the case with Rhaffy. We understood each other. I like how he works too. We began creating and things were coming together. At that point, I knew Rhaffy was malleable, just like me.
Did you know each other’s musical work before you met?
Rhaffy: Nahh, that was the first time actually.
Dwin: It was the first time. But wait, Rhaffy, you’ve produced on Otims’ project, yeah?
Rhaffy: All Otims’ songs from back then actually.
Dwin: So before Otims hit me up about collaboration, I had listened to his EP and I really liked what I heard. The production was incredible. I felt it’s something I’d also like to explore in my music.
What if the other person wasn’t feeling your sound?
Rhaffy: I didn’t feel like that. Otims already told me Dwin was going to drop by. Otims is a talented guy, and I believe anyone he recommends would be equally talented. The synergy from the onset was positive.
Dwin: Yeah, exactly. Nothing like that. I came through to the studio, Rhaffy played an instrumental, and we started vibing. We got into the song pretty much immediately.
Rhaffy: I remember, after the session, I had to go listen to Dwin’s project, and I was like, “Wow”.
How exactly did you go from working together to becoming friends?
Rhaffy: It was immediate. The first song we worked on turned out to be a big one. So we knew we had to come together to make more music.
Dwin: We’d link up to work on some great ideas we already had, then finish up and start new ones in the studio. This happened week after week, session after session. As we made the music, the friendship bond got stronger.
Rhaffy: Prior to our linkups, we’d talk about what we’d do and stuff like that.
Dwin: I was working a 9-5 that time. So sometimes I’d go to the studio from work on Fridays and go back home on Saturday mornings. We did that throughout 2018 and 2019.
In my songs, I mostly talk about life and the things that affect us. While recording, we’d talk about our lives and the things we want to do. We’re aligned in terms of vision and how big we’re trying to be.
Rhaffy: It’s beyond music now. In fact, music isn’t the top two or three of what connects us right now.
What are the top two?
Rhaffy: Life and money.
Dwin: Yes, because this shit is also a business.
We’re building a community as well; bringing people together from our different circles and sourcing opportunities. We’re grabbing all we can from every side.
Do you do music full-time now?
Dwin: Yeah, that’s our day job. That’s our major.
How’s that going in this Buhari times turned agbado era?
Dwin: It’s not easy. But we’re so sure about the music. Four years ago, the vision wasn’t as clear. Now, we’re just biding time. Soon enough, we hope to be out there.
People come and go, but we believe our music connects with multiple generations on a personal level. We believe it can touch lives, and we know the more people it speaks to, the higher it will go.
Rhaffy: So that’s it. That’s what we’re doing.
Dwin: There’s a plan to do a show in Lagos soon. We’ve been rehearsing for that. There’s also a potential show in Dakar that we’re still trying to talk to the organisers about.
Rhaffy: Yeah, we’re trying to be out there.
Dwin: You’ll see us in shows very soon. If the plans fall through, Rhaffy and I will be making music with a couple of musician-friends of ours in whatever city you might happen to catch us.
Dwin, can you remember a time Rhaffy came through for you?
Dwin: Many times. I don’t think I can pick one. It started very early in the friendship; like when I’d need a quick mix for a song. Even when payment wasn’t ready, he’d do it. Also, it’s the little things that friends do. From seeking advice on certain things to needing a place to crash sometimes.
What about you, Rhaffy?
Rhaffy: Dwin hooks me up with great gigs. If I had other friends that could give me those kinds of gigs, they might ask for 10% or 20%.
Like he said, “It’s the little things that friends do.” If I have to start writing them down, it’s going to cover a whole 60 leaves note.
Do you guys fight at all?
Rhaffy: If we get into fights, it’s because of the music. I won’t even call them fights or disagreements. We just share different opinions sometimes. But we’re always open-minded.
Dwin: If someone wants to try something new, we talk about it and make suggestions. If it still doesn’t work, or you can’t talk about it, no issues.
Who do you think is the most emotional?
Rhaffy: I’m not emotional. I’m always direct.
Dwin: I think I’m more emotional. Rhaffy, though, when he gives compliments, he means it.
Rhaffy: I don’t think we’re emotional people, honestly. We’re only emotional when our songs drop.
Dwin: We just call each other and gush about the music.
Anything you’d like to change about your friendship?
Rhaffy: Nothing. If there’s one thing we both want, it’s to make plenty money.
Dwin: That’s it. There’s nothing to change. We’re aware of our growth. We’ve achieved a lot in the last four years. Imagine what the next few years will look like, especially with the kind of music we’re working on. For example, we just made a record with Ogranya.
Rhaffy: That song is not from this planet, bro. Ogranya is the coolest guy. He was actually cooler than I thought. We played FIFA, I defeated him four or five times. Then after the recording, I was so excited that I allowed him to beat me 10-0. I have to say this because he posted it on his Instagram.
Dwin: Anyway, you’ll hear the song soon. It’s ridiculous.
What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?
Rhaffy: I always wanted to tell Dwin that he’s the best songwriter in the world. And you need to accept it with your full chest, my brother, because it’s something you shy away from.
Dwin: I need to start saying it randomly.
Rhaffy: You need to officially start saying it, bro. I’m serious. And it’s not just about writing alternative songs. Any genre, you kill it.
Dwin: So here’s the thing about Rhaffy. He has the best ears. Just leave the music to Rhaffy; it doesn’t matter what genre. We did a random spontaneous thing on the rock version of Allez, a song on our new EP, Love Lane. He made the drums sound with his mouth. If you heard it, you wouldn’t know it’s Rhaffy. He has music inside him. I’ve always wanted him to know that. I think the fact that we met is unfair because there’s nothing we set our minds to that we can’t achieve together.
Rhaffy: It’s like having Messi, Suarez and Neymar in one team. We’re like 2014/2015 Barcelona.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
Last Saturday, the hottest party for Nigerian women in 2023 happened. All the hot babes gathered in Ikoyi, Lagos and had so much fun that they HERtitude the talk of the town.
I’ve been facepalming at all the comments and laughing at jokes about how guys can’t have fun without babes.
I spoke to nine Nigerian men, and this is what they had to say about the idea of a men-only party, or HIMtitude, if you will.
“It’ll work, but only in small groups.”
— Conrad, 28.
It won’t work unless the activities are competitive (either men are the ones competing or they’re watching others compete). Men can’t party together just for partying sake. Ko le werk because the essence of why it was created is lost when it becomes an arena of games. HERtitude was a party. Like, literally just a party. The games they played at the start were mostly warm ups for a night of dancing and drinking. I don’t think we need something that sells itself as the male version of HERtitude. Instead, we should have something completely removed from it. It’s like having an original story as opposed to trying to remake or continue a franchise.
“I will not be there.”
— Dolapo, 25.
“It may sound cliche but it’s only going to bang if there are football matches, board games, drinks, food, and the likes. But I don’t think it’s going to sell because guys like it when they can mingle and make friends with girls. As for me,, I won’t be attending.”
“HERtitude was for women. Let them enjoy it, please.”
— Laolu, 29
“I don’t want to see any HIMtitude or BROtitude abeg. We do these things all the time at bars, lounges, sports pitches, etc. The reason why it’s novel for women is because there are not a lot of spaces that accommodate women alone and it’s largely because men will go into those spaces and try to exert dominance. But men have so many spaces like that. Let women have this one, please.”
“HIMtitude will be dope for men to teach other men what they should know.”
— Ayodeji, 27.
“I think I like HIMtitude, it has a ring to it. I expect to see bottles, chow, games ranging from PlayStation to football, jenga, table tennis and the likes. Musical performances, a smash room, barbers with free haircuts, people teaching men how to do general life stuff that a fatherly figure would have taught you; knotting a tie, changing tyres, etc, prostrate cancer awareness with free tests, etc.”
Only macho contests and games can bring me to a HIMtitude event
— Adeolu, 30.
I might not attend a HIMtitude event, but if I did, I would expect to see a game booth where you can play one on one games with other guys, like Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, FIFA, etc. Also, drinks, tug of war and other macho contests.
“A men-only party isn’t bad, but with physical and video games”
— Zaheir, 23.
I think it should be more of an interactive event than a ‘show’ event. There should be interactive activities, games and more games. That’s what I’d like to see.
“A movie booth because I don’t like sports or games.”
— Adeyinka, 30.
“I’d very much like to have a movie booth at a men-only party. I’m not a fan of football or games, so usually movies are where the magic is for me. It would make sense to have some of my guys come around and we see a movie together, something like fast and furious. Everyone has gotten so busy these days, it would be nice to catch up as a group. HIMtitude, run it for me, abeg.”
“There should be childhood games.”
— Fortune, 25.
A male version of HERtitude will make sense with the right things in place. Guys bond on different things, so there has to be categories of activities to do. A video game joint will make sense. Runway fashion, art display, music, painting and pure vibes. Spoken word including riddles and gist (riddles in pidgin can be fun). There can be games we used to play as kids like those ‘dancing around the chair,’ ‘name of things that you know’ and other stuff.”
Men, let’s take it back to when we were around five years old. Just little boys whose lives revolved around running around with our mates. Nothing more to do beyond homework, eating and being ring bearers for our older siblings, family friends or even our own parents.
If the memory is too blurry, let’s jug it for you.
Your parents come home with the wedding news
Your relative called to say they’re getting married in three months. And just like that, wedding prep starts.
Then the couple visits your house
They come with their wedding IV in hand to officially invite your family. They tease you and ask how old you are before humbly informing your parents you’ll be their ring bearer — without consulting you first.
You overhear talks with your parents about the suit material and what it’d cost. This is the time to decide if they have to get you a new one or just make you wear the one your brother used as a ring bearer three years before.
Rehearsal
The couple comes to teach you what to do on the wedding day: “Walk to the pulpit and present the ring to the pastor. Simple as ABC.”
The anticipation begins
You enjoyed the little routine you were taught and are so excited to be the latest ring bearer in town.
The wedding day
The day has finally come. You’re dressed up in your oversized coat and feeling yourself. The bride and groom are standing in front of the congregation, and it’s time for you to present the ring to the ministering pastor.
Photoshoot time
Your mum wipes off the Jollof rice that spilled on your suit. Next, you’re forming a “big boy” because you don’t want to hold the little bride’s hand for a photo.
In too short a time…
You’ve grown up, and they told you you’re too old to be a ring bearer.
The year is 2023
Now, you’re doing best man every Saturday. Wow, life really does come at you fast.
Macho rules are nothing but lies insecure men cooked up. Let them call you weak if they like. Does that make you less manly? Only you can decide.
Be the “man” of the house
What does this term mean exactly? You’re already the man of the house because of your gender. It doesn’t need to come with specific roles or perks for it to count. Embrace equality today, please.
Unhealthy boundaries
Don’t allow unnecessary bromance breed contempt. Your space is precious. Unserious bros should let you breathe small.
At this point, it’s unclear whether you’re finally growing a beard or your body’s just playing a prank on you. But you stroke your chin in front of the mirror every day while visualizing your imaginary beard.
Using spirit makes it grow
You’ll do this until you realize you’re doing nothing but sterilising your chin. Chances are you gave up on this plan.
Shaving your beards more often to make them grow
You did this because of one half-baked theory that said it works. But that’s how you get bumps the size of a baby’s head. It probably didn’t make you stop anyway, because the love of beards is greater than the fear of bumps.
Then you give up and start buying beard oil
At some point, it was obvious you were just fooling yourself,, so you decided to splurge on beard oil promising that you’d look like Lebron in a few months.
Then you start praying to God that they connect
You finally start seeing some real growth, but the problem is, the strands don’t seem to be ot connecting. So you try everything you know. You go back to using spirit to fertilize the patch that has somehow refused to grow hair. Or you keep using rollers to make the hair on your chin look fuller. Either way, it’s stressful.
And when they finally connect, you’ll treat it like it’s your most valued possession
When your beard connects, they become your entire personality.
Then 2023 comes and no one cares about them that much anymore
Women don’t even list having a beard as part of their spec anymore. How the mighty have fallen.
However, there’s more to them than booze and women, so we made a list of other things Nigerian men hold dear.
Football
Okay, this one’s a little obvious, but did you know this game has saved lives and relationships? Thanks to football, girlfriends now have nothing to worry about because they’re sure only UEFA games keep us late outside.
Zikoko Memes
Visiting friends
Haven’t you heard that a man’s friend’s home is a home away from home?
Zikoko Memes
Board games
Nothing beats the banter Nigerian men throw while playing chess or ludo. And in case you don’t know, we learn to strategise by playing ayo.
Vigorous fitness
It’s more than just lifting iron and staying fit; it’s a lifestyle. Going to the gym is actually very addictive.
Last week came with so many controversial happenings that we can’t be more sure it’ll be impossible to get men to keep quiet about the following:
Arsenal and their big EPL dreams
Being a Gunner is painful; steady hoping but never actually winning. They actually thought they’d grab the English Premier League (EPL) title and end the season as champions. Hey Siri, play ”Vivid Imagination” by KWAM1.
Imagine being an Arsenal and LA Lakers fan. Lakers supporters hoped Lebron would save them, but they lost to the Nuggets. Now 0-3 down, they’re still saying, “Lakers in 7”. Let it go, bro.
Twitter
SportyBet Woes
“My ticket don cut again” bros won’t stop talking about how last weekend games and SportyBet stopped them from becoming overnight millionaires. Worse still, they wanted to bet one thousand naira to cashout two million naira. What are the odds?
Zikoko Memes
The Agbado Boys
Twitter for politics is filled with men who constantly analyse the president-elect’s forthcoming swear-in and hand-over ceremonies. Then there are ones threatening Nigerians not to go near Eagle Square. God, ABEG.
Every other day, there’s someone subbing women on public forums. We don’t have much to say about this, but aren’t you the ones that don‘t talk to your babes for two days?
Zikoko Memes
“Na man dey do man”
These are the ones who are always crying about how rich tech-bros and sugar daddies have taken all the babes from them.
Zikoko Memes
Nigerian men don’t cheat
Nigerian men who are trying to beat the “all men cheat” allegations suffered a huge setback since 2Baba’s appearance on Young, Famous and African season two. Doesn’t look like we’ll ever beat the allegations.
Zikoko Memes
Intermission: Start picking out the sluttiest outfits for HERtitude 2023, the biggest all-hot-women party. It’s on Saturday, and it’s going to be HOT. In case you haven’t bought your ticket yet, here you go.
My Bro is a biweekly Zikoko series that interrogates and celebrates male friendships of different forms.
Michael and Faith’s friendship started with a not-so-random DM on Facebook in 2016. With over five years in this friendship thing, they talk to #ZikokoMyBro about surviving health challenges together, maintaining transparency when helping each other financially, and how they deal with Michael’s tendency to disappear without telling his friend.
Let’s start from the very beginning. How did you guys meet?
Michael: I met Faith on Facebook in 2016 when the app was still popping. We both wrote poems and were part of the same writing community. Our interactions were limited to the comment section until Faith DM’ed me one day.
Faith: Ah, I remember. I’d been reading your work and sent a DM saying, “Baba, you dey write gan.”
Michael: I’m reading that message now and cringing because I replied, “Good evening, sir.” You asked me how to publish your poem somewhere, and I kept adding “sir” to all my messages. I don’t even know why I was being so extra.
What was your first impression of the other person?
Faith: I thought he was very intelligent. I’d read this thought-provoking essay he wrote about LAUTECH being on strike and how no one was doing anything about it. He had his way with words that allowed him to express even the most complex thoughts with a sense of clarity. I also liked that one minute, he could be writing something like that, and the next, he’s writing something about all power belongs to your bumbum with the same passion.
Michael: What do you mean by that? I thought you were noisy. You were everywhere, and your comments were on everybody’s posts. Let’s not even get into your Facebook name; “Emmanuel GodHonoursMe Faith”. Bro, are you the only one God is honouring? LOL.
Another thing that stuck out to me was the way you used words. You used to blow big grammar like Wole Soyinka in the most random conversations. I thought that was really cool.
When did your relationship move from admiring each other’s writing to an actual friendship?
Michael: We met for the first time and started getting close when I got admission to his university. Faith was in his second year, and I was in my first. We attended the same campus fellowship, and over time I started hanging out in his room since I had 20 roommates. Plus, he used to cook a lot. We became close during the period I was eating free food and hanging out in his room.
So basically, you were like an Abuja man hanging out for food and shelter?
Michael: You know what? That’s understandable. I started hanging out with him for basic human needs. LOL
Faith: No, let me defend you small. I made food for almost everyone because I was a fellowship big bro. Remember you used to call me “Sir”?
My turning point in our relationship was when I fell sick that day in school. I never fall sick, but my village people caught me this time, and I broke down. Michael was the first person on my mind to call. He came over, took me to the health centre and stayed with me through everything. He also checked up on me and cooked during that whole period. He took care of me. That ordeal unlocked something for me, and I knew this guy had become my friend.
Michael: So I’ve saved you from untimely death? I’ve tried for you, sha.
Michael, outside of food, can you remember when Faith really came through for you?
Michael: When I first moved to Lagos after university, me and being broke were like five and six. Faith was more shocked when I didn’t come to borrow money than when I showed up to beg. But the money wasn’t really the moment for me. My favourite come-through moment was when I fell sick.
You too?
Michael: Yes, o! In 2021 I was really sick and needed to undergo a severe procedure. It was a terrifying moment in my life when I was like, “Maybe I’ll see God in a few seconds”, and Faith was right there by my side. I fall sick often, so I’m used to hospitals. On the other hand, Faith rarely falls sick, so hospitals make him very uncomfortable. He didn’t want to be in a hospital but was there for me. I was sick, but I was pitying him. Lol
Faith: I followed you to the hospital because I know you, and you have a habit of just putting your phone on do not disturb while everyone else is worried about you. I’m always concerned about you, so I felt it’d be better to go with you and be updated in real-time. Nothing prepared me for all the medical equipment and terms I heard during that period sha. Plus, I was the only one your mum could reach. It was worth it when you got better.
Regarding coming through for me, I’m grateful to Michael for always telling me the truth. I’ve gotten to a point where I feel like I’m doing well and I’m one of the baddest when it comes to what I do, so it’s important to have someone who can pull me aside and keep me in check. Michael will explain a situation to me, and I’ll realise I was the one that messed up. He’ll still call me out today even if I sent him money yesterday.
I also feel comfortable talking to Michael about everything. Most people don’t have that in their friendship.
Money has come up a couple of times now, and how as to how it might affect your friendship?
Michael: First of all, Faith has a lot more money than me, so money can’t even be a problem for us. LOL. But seriously, it all boils down to transparency and being honest with one another. Faith knows how much I make, and I know how much he makes. I can’t ask him for anything that’ll inconvenience him, and he also knows when I’ll be able to pay back based on how much I make. We’ve refused to allow money to become a big deal in our friendship.
Faith: The transparency part is important. If Michael asks me for money twice a month, I’ll know there’s a serious problem and follow up before he tells me, “Oh, he had to send money home” or something like that. But another thing is knowing our financial capacities because we only make big financial decisions with the other person knowing. Michael keeps me in check when it comes to spending. This guy once spent N5k from Monday to Friday. I don’t know how he did it.
Michael: I’m not even trying to be frugal. I don’t know what I’m spending money on if I have food and water at home. You’re always going out, while I’m usually in my house, so it makes sense that you spend more money than me.
Outside of knowing each other’s finances down to the last penny, what’s another unconventional part of your friendship?
Faith: We’re very open about how much we love each other and unafraid to say it anywhere from the middle of Ikeja City Mall (ICM) to bus parks and emails.
Michael: Not you listing some of the places I’ve told you “I love you.”
Faith: The one at ICM is funny because you said it loudly in a restaurant after I bought you rice. Everyone was staring at us. It was embarrassing but beautiful.
Another unconventional thing about our friendship is that we write to each other a lot. Not texting, but writing via email to catch up and share how much we mean to each other. This guy can ghost everyone for a long time, but every time I write, he responds.
Ghosting in friendship again? Michael, please explain
Michael: I’ve ruined a lot of potential friendships because I suck at responding to messages and social media. Instant messaging doesn’t make sense because I can’t keep up with talking to multiple people at once about different things. Many people don’t get it and assume I just don’t rate them. That whole thing on Twitter about “People make time for people they care about”. It’s not about time; messaging is just not my thing.
What I love about my relationship with Faith is that he gets it. We don’t always text, but we talk via long emails. I can send a mail on Monday and not get a response until the following Monday, but that’s totally fine. I know he’s still there for me. Constantly talking doesn’t validate our friendship.
Faith, how did you get comfortable with this communication style since it’s not the most conventional in friendships?
Faith: It was a bit challenging initially, but I had to learn that not everyone will be like me. Not everyone has the energy to fill up a room or talk on the phone for 30 minutes straight. It doesn’t make them any less amazing.
I know Michael trusts and feels safe with me, so he’ll come around on his own terms. Just because he’s nowhere to be found doesn’t mean he’s not thinking of me. He’s disappeared so many times only to send a bottle of wine or the hardcover of a book he thinks I’d like. People are different.
Michael: I’m a great friend if you manage your communication expectations. Faith gets it, and that’s why we work well.
Faith: We’re on the same wavelength. He can disappear today, but when he returns, he can take up six hours of my time.
Six hours, doing what?
Faith: We’ve watched a TV show virtually before, episode by episode. We also read together virtually at the same time. I’ll ask what page he’s on, and we’ll read together. If we poured this energy into dating, we wouldn’t be single. LOL.
Would you consider changing something about your friendship or the other person?
Michael: I wish we saw each other more, but that’s on me. Faith is always available while I’m usually in my house, hiding or working. Then, for Faith, I’d like you to please calm down more often because it’s not everything or everyone that deserves the amount of emotional strength you put into them. Don’t you like peace, joy and happiness? These are things you could imbibe. Your gragra is too much.
Faith: I totally agree with the second one. My emotions are always all over the place. For our friendship, I’d like us to have more money so Michael can spoil me with trips to Abuja—
Michael: Abuja? That’s your holiday destination? I need to unfriend you after this.
Faith: Oya, let’s do Venice or Bali. Regarding what I’d like to change about you, I’ll say it’s the ghosting thing, but not for me, for our other friends. I’m already used to you disappearing, but most of our mutual friends don’t get it, so they become worried, and I have to reassure them that you’re good. Drop a message for them that says, “Hi guys. I’ll be disappearing for three days. Cheers.”
Michael: I don’t plan it. But I’m trying to be better.
Do you have an interesting bro story you’d like to share? Fill this form and we’ll get back to you.
What’s something you’ve always wanted to tell the other person?
Michael: I want us to write more. Our emails are some of my most treasured possessions in the world. I love how we write each other those long emails, and I want more of that.
Faith: I’m so proud of how you’ve hacked capitalism. You used to hate it, but now you’re killing it. I love seeing that growth. I’m so so proud of you.
Michael: That’s so sweet. Look at you being a sweet person.
Nigerian men have bad PR. But on a good day, they’re mad actually romantics who are three steps ahead of Shakespeare.
And if you beat the father of romance at his game, you’re the smoothest operator.
Zikoko Memes
And here’s exactly why we think Shakespeare isn’t worth his overhyped salt next to Nigerian men.
Love letters in 1574 English is romantic until thou overdoest
Twitter
You’re not a ghost from the Renaissance period, so why can’t you talk like a regular guy?
Zikoko Memes
Uncomplicated love confessions for the win
You don’t have to be dramatic. Just play a few Ajebutter22 songs for inspiration, and learn something from the King of Parole.
It’s not only by words
Please, pocket your sonnet 116 and send money. It’s more impressive.
Zikoko Memes
Buy your babe her favourite meals
It’s not just the way to a man’s heart.
Nigerian babes love food too.
Zikoko Meme
Sponsor her enjoyment too
Zikoko Memes
We know for a fact your hot babe will be at the hottest babes party of the year. So pay for her HERtitude 2023 tickets here.
Never duel for love
Combating other men for a woman’s heart isn’t what our own ancestors taught us. How is it romance if you leave her in eternal grief? A Nigerian guy knows better.
Zikoko Memes
No art is free
If Shakespeare was a Nigerian man, he’d be a freelancer writing Valentine poems for couples and collecting money. He already writes; why not cash out from it? And what’s more romantic than a Nigerian man with money?
Let’s not even cap; making friends as a grown man is hard. Between Nigeria’s wahala, capitalism struggles, and societal rules about how we should interact, Nigerian men of a certain age struggle to make meaningful friendships.
Source: Zikoko Memes
If you’re at the stage where you are looking to try anything to make new friends, then, sir, this article is for you.
Open a barbing salon
Source: Zikoko Memes
If you want something, you need to invest in it — even if that investment is a barbing salon at your junction. Barbing salons are safe havens for men to vent, let loose, and have some time away from the world. While it might seem like an over-the-top move to land friends, opening a barbing salon will introduce you to a wide range of men from all walks of life. You could literally hold a friend audition, and they wouldn’t even know.
Go back to school
Source: Netflix Naija
Most men who talk about their oldest friendships often refer to the friends they made in secondary school or university. If the cast of Far From Home could “convince” us they were secondary school students, then look, you can do it too. But if going back to secondary school sounds crazy, there’s nothing wrong with going back to university to get a new degree and make new friends. Nothing builds friendships faster than a mutual fear of carryovers.
Stop calling every guy “Oga” or “Boss” and take time to know their names
Source: Zikoko Memes
Bruh. The number of “Oga”, “Chief”, and “Boss” you hear when men hang out around each other is wild. It’s like, “Do any of you have real names?” If you want to build a real connection with another man, you need to know the basics, like their actual name. If you left Nigerian men, they’d “Oga” each other to the grave.
Shoot friendship shots on social media
Source: Zikoko Memes
Desmond thought Collins was cool and shot a friendship shot on Instagram. Please, what’s stopping you from doing the same thing? Shame? Pride? Chelsea, come on now. If you’re willing to work to get someone’s attention on social media for knacks or a romantic relationship, what’s stopping you from putting the same level of effort into making male friends? Granted, a few guys might find it weird at first, but real guys will appreciate it. Just make sure you’re not being extra by liking their pictures from 2014.
FYI, LinkedIn is a social media platform too *wink wink*
Become more active in the church or mosque
Source: Zikoko Memes
A God-fearing partner is not the only person you can find in your place of worship. What happened to a God-fearing friend? What does it profit a man to have a godly relationship, but a friendship built on sin? Okay, maybe don’t answer that. You sha get the gist.
The gym can be very intimidating, but when you really think about it, that space is also one of the best places to make a new friend. Even though everyone seems to be on a mission to outdo the next person in the gym, a certain level of vulnerability comes with the effort to be better at something regardless of how many kgs you’re lifting. Tap into that vulnerability. No one is asking you to become the annoying guy who won’t shut up in the gym, but try smiling or saying “hi” to other guys there once in a while. Who knows, you might move from gym bros to actual bros.
Date women who have cool brothers who don’t want to beat you up
Source: Zikoko Memes
Why kill one bird or relationship with one stone when you could easily kill two with one stone? Meeting a cute girl who rocks your world is great, but things get ten times better when this girl has a brother who could become your soulmate. Even if the romantic relationship fails, no rule says you can’t be best friends with your ex’s brother. If she really loved you, then she’d be happy for you.
Argue about Messi or Wizkid in social gatherings
Source: Zikoko Memes
The moment you hear Nigerian men arguing, and they start throwing the word “goat” around while mentioning “Wizkid” or “Messi”, then, sir, it’s time to pull up a chair and join that argument. There’s a high chance you’ll get insulted during the argument, but there’s also a high chance you’ll make a new friend regardless of which side of the argument you stack your chips on.
Join dating apps
Source: Zikoko Memes
If there’s anything we learnt from Edem and Chide’s My Bro story, it’s that men can become best friends with men they’ve hooked up with. It doesn’t always work, especially if you’re as straight as a ruler, but taking the lover-to-best-friend route isn’t that bad when it comes to friendship. To make this work, you must open your mind beyond sexual attraction and get to know the people you’re chatting with. It’s giving from guts to guys.
Read Zikoko My Bro and steal our subjects’ best friends
If you can’t find a best friend of your own, who says you can’t go around stealing other people’s best friends? Thankfully, Zikoko My Bro has many options you can select from. All you have to do is read their story, choose the best friend you want to steal and then get ready to throw hands with their current best friend. Nothing good comes for free.
Become your own best friend
Source: Zikoko Memes
I know everyone says this all the time, but who knows you better than you? To be the best friend you could possibly be to anyone else, you need to become your own best friend and show up for yourself. This is the friendship version of the corny, “No one’s going to love you if you don’t love yourself”, shit they say in romcoms. Love yourself, bro.
Nigerian men are famous for these things, and as a Nigerian man myself, I’m here to help you break free from them. 2023 is a new year, so as men, we must adopt a “New Year, new me” mentality and avoid some of these weird habits.
Why are you wearing skinny jeans that aren’t allowing your crowned jewels to breathe in big 2023? We cancelled skinny jeans in 2022, so I’d appreciate it if men got the memo to avoid looking like Johnny Bravo in jeggings.
Saying things like “gender wars” and “agenda must agend”
The only people allowed to use phrases like “Gender wars” and “Agenda must agend” on social media are Andrew Tate and Kelvin Odanz’ disciples. Unless that’s the legacy you want to leave behind, I’d advise that you avoid chatting dust on the timeline in 2023. Tenks.
The fear of bright colours
Real men wear pink, red, yellow, orange and purple. As black men, our skin was made to wear colour, regardless of what colonisers might’ve made us believe. Wearing black all the time to look edgy and mysterious has casted. Please, step into the light and touch grass.
But if there’s one thing I need men to drop in 2022, it’s the need to set up a tripod and record everything they’re doing in the gym. When did everyone become fitness content creators? We can’t walk freely in the gym now without getting into someone’s shot. Just work out and go home.
You know that urge to say “Without me?” every time you chat with someone and they say they’re about to shower or eat? Very cringe. Please, don’t bring that razz behaviour into 2023. It might be hard, but have small shame.
Not using the “L” word with male friends
Tell your male friends you love them in 2023. Yes, you don’t have to say it for them to know you feel that way about them. But sometimes, verbal reassurance makes everyone feel so much better. Life is too short to allow patriarchy to build a wall between you and your mandem.
Driving like Vin Diesel
Just because you survived 2022 with your reckless driving doesn’t mean you’ll make it to the end of 2023 if you continue that way. Nigeria is not a film set, and you’re not part of the Fast and Furious Franchise, so learn to drive like a human being, not a cat with nine lives.
Not holding ourselves accountable for BS
We often see men either defend their male friends for awful behaviour or sit in silence as bystanders while their friends harm people around them. Well, that needs to change. If you know or see something messed up, speak up. Staying silent or encouraging bad behaviour will bite you in the bum bum one day.
