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It is one thing to understand what love language is, it is another thing to try to pass off something else as a love language. To whom it may concern (side eyes Nigerian women), this post should be a wake up call for you to actually sit down and discover your love language.
Stop doing these annoying things and calling them love language.
1. Biting.
I don’t get this sha. Why bite your partner to show that you love them? If you are practising cannibalism, just say so. Don’t use love language as an excuse to cover your bad habits, you little vampire.
2. Eating from your plate of food when theirs is there.
We both ordered rice and beans, so what is your spoon doing inside my plate, please? Remove it dear. That’s not a love language, let me eat and be satisfied, don’t shorten my ration.
3. Stealing hoodies.
Thief. It’s why a relationship will end and her wardrobe will be full of hoodies. Drop that hoodie, please. We can see each other’s nakedness, but hoodie is where I draw the line.
4. Stealing t-shirts.
Listen and listen good, if any Nigerian woman steals your t-shirt, please steal her blouse too. In this house, we believe in gender equality.
5. “Big Head”, “Goat”, and other non-romantic words.
If you want to insult your partner, insult them with your full chest. Which one is “Big Head” and “Goat” when you know that his head is actually big and that he is a stubborn goat? Why are you using your partner’s personal flaws as a term of endearment?
6. Wanting to be cuddled all night long.
Do you not fear body pain, this woman? You want your partner to wake up looking sleep-deprived and in search of Panadol because they held you all night long. Haba, fear God nau.
7. Disturbing your sleep.
Please and please. If the person you are dating is asleep, LET THEM SLEEP! They did not send you to be a wicked person. Yes, there is no rest for the wicked, but there is no part that says the partner of the wicked should not rest. Let’s know what we are doing, please.
8. Flooding you with fifty-seven pictures of them wearing the same outfit.
“Have you seen a fine girl today?” Yes, I have. Fifty-seven photos of you wearing the same outfit will not change that. You want to hear the truth? Many men just gas you up without actually downloading the photos. Let fine girl use up her phone’s storage space, please.
QUIZ: What’s Your Love Language?
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Have you ever wondered what the love languages would be like if they were Nigerians? Well, I have and now I can’t unsee it.
1) Gift giving
Gift giving is your rich sugar daddy that has old money and who probably has as many oil blocks as you have siblings. He is also a chairman of one plc. The sugar daddy will never give you money but will buy gifts for you in every city he travels to. He forgets that money is sometimes a gift. Not every time Birkin. Sometimes, hundreds of thousands of dollars. If how you show love is by buying people gifts, sometimes squeeze dollars into their hand. Tough times are lasting.
2) Acts of service
The first daughter of a Nigerian home. She is always doing something for someone and so she has associated doing things with love. Buy her all the gifts in this world, but she will not know you love her until you sweep her compound, wash her car, and help her iron her clothes.
When you realise the only way to show love is to wash car under hot sun 3) Quality Time
Quality Time and Secondary school mathematics teachers are one and the same. With mathematics teachers, they know the period is over and they just want to spend time with you. So what if you don’t understand what they were teaching? They were just happy to be involved. Oya, what is now the difference between them and quality time?
4) Physical touch
Bus conductors have hacked physical touch as a love language. All you have to do is give them an opportunity to love you by sitting beside the door. You both will have a chance to explore proper intimacy. The both of you will be so close, you will share sweat and keep inhaling each other’s bad breath. They might even spit on you if you are lucky. Sit beside the door and just await the experience.
5) Words of affirmation
He is your guest pastor at your church. They might be good people, but they will not believe it until it comes from someone else. Now, if you are dating someone with words of affirmation as their love language, just spin their head sometimes. Send them texts like “my most gorgeous beautiful holder of my heart.” Put all your english to use.
Over raw best in English QUIZ: WHAT IS YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE
To find out your love language, click here
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Food plays an important in relationships. For many people, food is their love language, and for many others, food is a strong determining factor when they choose a life partner. So, to avoid “Had I Known”, don’t cook these foods for a person you’re not married to.
1. Pounded Yam
Omo, it’s for your own good oh. Imagine pounding yam furiously for a man that will later tell you, “I just don’t think we have a future together.” Or a woman that will say no when you ask her to marry you.
Backbreaking labour wasted. God forbid abeg.
2. Ekpangnkukwo.
You yourself, have you cooked something this delicious for yourself before attempting to cook it for a man or woman who is probably cheating on you? Until there’s a ring and an official document, let everybody patronise their favourite restaurants please.
3. Moi moi
You too, reason it: You’ll soak beans, peel it, wash it, take it to be ground, bring it back, add the condiments, measure it in tins, put it in a pot, and then wait for it to steam.
All for someone who hasn’t met your parents. Omo, may the labours of our heroes past not be in vain oh.
4. Ofe Nsala
Ofe Nsala. OFE NSALA for a person that has not talked marriage yet? Hmm. If it’s scratching your body to cook, why not open a restaurant???
5. Ogbono
This one is to save you from embarrassment oh. Imagine cooking ogbono that did not draw for a person you’re chyking or that is chyking you. That’s how your cover will blow and they will break up with you. You’ll now be that guy/babe that cannot cook ogbono.
We rebuke it for you.
6. Efo riro.
You’ll cook efo riro and the person will start running after you and professing love. Small time, people will accuse you of washing bumbum inside the soup because why else are they running after you like you’re their oxygen tank?
Think about it.
7. Pap/Custard
We are not saying you should not prepare this one for them. But wait until you’re married and you live together. That way, if you make River Niger for them and call it pap, they will take it like that. After all, they promised to love you with all your flaws.
8. Pancakes
Again, wait until you’re in the house oh. Cause your pancakes can turn to scrambled eggs and casala can impregnate wahala. You need to be sure that nothing can pursue you out of that relationship.
9. Semo
This one is for your own good. Semo is widely hated. You don’t want to inherit that hatred, so it’s best you don’t even near it at all, even when you are married.
A word is enough for the wise.
Here’s an interview we did with Semo recently:
Interview With Semo: “My Slander Is So Forced”
Ranked: 7 Foods and Drinks That Enhance Your Libido
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We already did a quiz that told you your love language, but now, we want to guess the love language of the person you’ll spend the rest of your life with. Will you be able to love them the way they like?
Find out:
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There are five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. We all respond to one of these expressions of love more than the others. This quiz knows which one that is for you.
Go ahead:
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