Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Teju: We met at work when I just got to the states in September 2019. We’re both nurses in a state hospital. She and one other Nigerian guy were the only Africans at the time. She’d been here for close to two years before me. So she took me under her wing, helping me to navigate and survive in the new environment. 

Malin: I liked him immediately I met him because I have a thing for Nigerian men. But we started off platonic. I’d been happily married since I was 23.

We started working closely together for long hours, so we got to talking and oversharing stuff about our lives. From day one, we both knew the other was married. I’d say loneliness brought us together.

How did you both find yourselves in the US without your partners?

Malin: We planned to relocate together very early on in our relationship before we got married. But I got my master’s visa, and he didn’t. They’ve consistently denied him one, so he’s still in Dar es Salaam. Now, he’s working on Canada. Once that works out, we’ll figure out how to unite… if we still want to.

Teju: I didn’t come in the most straightforward way, so I couldn’t bring my family — my wife and two kids. I’m supposed to put things in place then send for them. But it’s becoming much more expensive to plan that. And I’m no longer in a hurry.

Why not?

Teju: This will get me in trouble. 

I’m just comfortable with the way things are now. I love being with Malin. Things had gotten dry between me and my wife when I left Nigeria. I won’t lie that we were about to break up, but we weren’t the most passionate couple. 

Malin: For me, the fact that he hasn’t been able to get his visa approved for so long is a red flag. I’m tired of waiting and hanging on to that hope. 

Do they know you guys are together?

Malin: No. Why would I want to start that kind of drama?

Teju: I’ve considered telling my wife, but I think it would be cruel. I know she wouldn’t understand. It’ll just break her.

Let’s go back a bit. How did you get into this relationship?

Teju: We went from working closely together to her helping me get a better place to stay, figure out the subway and commute. In that first month, we were always together — at work, on the road, at home. She also helped me figure out my meals. In between all that, love happened.

Malin: Like I said, I was lonely. And it helped that he wasn’t a creep. I met a decent, likeable Nigerian guy when I was at my lowest point, and it felt good helping him out. I knew staying so long in his space and being so accessible would lead to something else, but I couldn’t stop myself.

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What happened next?

Teju: COVID came, and being essential workers, we worked even longer hours, wearing PPEs and moving around when everyone else was stuck indoors. That was the highpoint of our friendship. Just constantly exhausted while making jokes with our other coworkers. We slept most nights in the hospital. 

October 2020, the lease was up on my apartment, and we somehow started talking about being housemates so we could pool money together and get a decent two-bed.

Malin: We ended up getting a three-bed with a third girl I knew from my former building. That’s when we technically moved in together. It’s also when we started sleeping together. He ended up spending most nights in my room.

Were your spouses aware you had housemates of the opposite gender?

Teju: My wife found out.

I was originally supposed to live with my aunt when I moved here. Malin convinced me I could get a cheap flat closer to our workplace, and I was so excited to not have to squat with a relative at my age.

My aunt eventually came to visit when I’d moved into the new apartment. She met Malin but didn’t say anything. Next thing I knew, my wife brought it up on one of our video calls. My aunt had called to tell her. She wasn’t happy at all, but I assured her not to worry about it.

Malin: My husband knew we were housemates then. He didn’t think too deep into it. Maybe because there was another girl with us. But he doesn’t know we have a small house on mortgage, and we’ve moved in together. 

When did that happen?

Malin: In July 2021, and we’ve lived there together since. Our relationship levelled up after that. We started talking plans and finances because we wanted to move our life forward. 

Teju: We’d spent too long in one place, struggling to reunite with our partners. We were ready to move on, at least in our careers and personal development. We took courses so we could get promotions and so on.

Malin: The bulk of his money goes to his kids’ education in Nigeria. I’m happy he does it, but it’s also a constant reminder of his external responsibilities and what that means for our future.

Have you discussed the future yet?

Teju: Not much. 

But some months after we moved in, one of our coworkers suggested that we declare a common-law marriage so we could get some benefits. So we did. 

Malin: To all our friends and colleagues and the state of Texas, we’re married.

And your actual spouses don’t suspect a thing?

Teju: They don’t. I talk to my wife once a week and still send her money. We’re also still saving up for them to join me here. We decided the best way is for me to get a PR then invite them over.

Now that Malin and I did the common-law thing, it might not work. She doesn’t know that. We’ll cross the bridge when we get there.

Malin: I don’t think my husband suspects. He’s still hyper-focused on Canada. That’s all we talk about now. He’s working towards relocating in 2025. Fingers crossed for him. 

We try not to talk too much about our marriage because I think we’re both trying not to trigger sadness and regret.

So what happens when they finally make it out of Africa?

Malin: I don’t know yet. 

I love Teju, but I’ve confided in him that I might still have feelings for my husband. He was the love of my life before the whole unfortunate split. And Teju has his kids to figure out.

Teju: I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I see Malin and I staying together until then. We’re a good team, and I can’t imagine figuring out life in this country with anyone else.

How have you managed to build a working relationship on the back of infidelity?

Teju: Ahh. We don’t think about it that way. We just did our best with the circumstances life gave us.

Malin: Our relationship works because we don’t focus on guilt and regret. It’s about being each other’s support system in this lonely world. 

We work together as well, so it’s been much easier to have someone to do everything with.

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You guys give “work spouse” a whole new meaning 

Malin: Yes. I suppose you could call us work spouses that took the name seriously.

I don’t feel like I’m cheating actually. My husband and I can’t be together, and I’m supposed to just put my life on hold?

Teju: The only thing I feel bad about is I know my family would’ve been here much faster if I didn’t get together with Malin. There are some things we could’ve done by now if I was a lot more excited for them to be here.

Malin: Yeah, it’s tough because if his kids were here, we wouldn’t have to spend so much on school bills.

Do you see yourself continuing to send money home for as long as they’re there?

Teju: Yes. One thing I’ll never do is default on my responsibilities as a father. My dad was an absent father, so I feel bad enough that I’m putting my kids through that.

Malin: That’s the only thing that brings friction to our relationship. His kids might be the only people he loves more than me.

And how do you feel about that, Malin?

Malin: Sometimes, it feels like baggage I didn’t bargain for. But I know it’s insensitive to say that given the circumstances.

Teju: Yeah, there’s no way around that.

Have you ever thought about having your own kids?

Malin: I’m not sure I want to with him yet. 

Teju: We decided we’d wait till we figured out where we stand with the people back home first. But it’s not completely off the books. At least, not for me.

Malin: It’ll be a huge step. I don’t want to bring a baby into too much drama. We could get discovered at any moment. It’s both exciting and terrifying.

Discovered by your spouses?

Malin: Yes.

Have you had any major fights yet?

Teju: Not really.

Malin: We argue a lot about very many things. But it’s always chill. I don’t think we’ve ever been genuinely angry with each other.

Teju: We’re almost always at work anyway. So between that, sex and sleep, not much time to fight.

Sweet. How would you rate your Love Life on a scale of 1 to 10?

Malin: 9. We just get each other, and the way we support each other‘s rights and wrongs without judgement is so precious. The uncertainty makes things exciting too, but I know we’re not in la la land and shit can hit the fan at any moment.

Teju: I guess I’ll say 9 too. I love being with her. I love that I’m doing life in the states with her. She’s helped me achieve way more than I ever imagined.

The 1 will probably be for the fact that she still loves her husband and I still love my kids.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

ANOTHER ONE: Love Life: He Thinks Condoms Are for Laying With Harlots

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Aliyu: We met through family in 1988. Our fathers knew each other, and one day her father came to visit mine with her in tow. They stayed for about an hour, and we were introduced. She was shy and barely said a word. She just sat in a corner, and I remember me and my brothers watching her from the corridor to our rooms and talking about how beautiful she was. 

Mariam: I was so self-conscious to be in a strange house with nothing to do but watch my father talk with his friend. I wasn’t supposed to accompany him there; he’d just decided to stop by on our way to getting the things I needed for school. 

After that, we met more often during family and religious gatherings, and we just got close.

When did you start to like each other?

Mariam: After he kissed me in my father’s compound when no one was looking. It was the day after Ileya in 1989. I’d only ever been kissed once before, and it was nothing like his own.

Aliyu: My brothers and cousins had discovered I liked her sometime before that. They saw that I’d sometimes stare at her. So at this gathering, they teased me into kissing her and telling her how I felt. I didn’t tell her how I felt. I just kissed her and disappeared. 

What happened after?

Aliyu: We went back to our lives. 

She was still in school, and I was trying to get into the family trade of poultry farming. Not much happened until the next year when she was back from ABU for a long break and we met at the water factory her brother worked at. We talked a bit, and after she left, I told her brother I wanted to marry her. Imagine me with no money saying something like that.

Mariam: My brother came back home and told me about it. I just laughed. I crushed on him since the day he kissed me without regard for my father’s house. But I didn’t want to believe he liked me back. I returned to school and thought about him for weeks, imagining us married.

Why was marriage the first thing that came to mind and not dating?

Aliyu: Maybe it was the times, but that’s what I wanted when I saw her. I wanted her to be my wife. So I worked hard while she was in school. I did everything to make more money. I started buying and selling goats and rams. I did deliveries briefly. I saved most of the money I made.

Mariam: In school, I had a few other suitors, but I chose to wait for the possibility of being with Aliyu. I used it as a catalyst to focus on my studies. 

He waited till 1992, my last year in school to go to my father and ask him about me.

And then, you got married?

Aliyu: No, we courted for another year. I wanted her to finish first. I didn’t want to rush or scare her.

Mariam: During this period, he’d send me money and gifts all the time. 

A lot of my friends were getting married while in school, but I appreciated the wait. The truth is I was scared of the responsibility of marriage. Learning from my friends’ experiences helped me feel prepared after graduation.

What was the wedding like?

Mariam: It was big. Our parents invited every single person they knew. We had three different ceremonies, and by the end of it all, I was exhausted. In fact, whenever I think back to my wedding, I associate it with tiredness.

Aliyu: We didn’t get the time to bond before and during the ceremonies. Then after, we consummated and moved in together. The excitement wasn’t really there anymore.

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What d’you mean?

Aliyu: I’m not sure what I thought would happen, but I wasn’t prepared for how dull living with one person was. Everyone just avoided us because they didn’t want to intrude on our brand new marriage. 

But we just continued on with life. She got a job, I ran my businesses, and we performed our duties.

Mariam: I think we were fine until the kids started coming. 

I had our three children in the space of four years and that was really hard for me. Once the third one was out, I got on family planning, and he didn’t like that.

Aliyu: I understood why she had to, but she didn’t consult me first. What if I wanted one more child? I also didn’t like how it affected our sex. It became like a chore trying to get her in bed.

How did you navigate this period in your marriage?

Mariam: Taking care of the children mostly on my own was hard. I had to quit my job after I had the first one, but I was still always tired. Even with my mother and younger sister’s help. 

Our communication was zero at this time, but he always provided, so I was content. 

Aliyu: In my mind, I was giving her space and time to focus on motherhood while I focused on making us comfortable. Running the businesses was no piece of cake.

Fair

Mariam: Once the children were all old enough to go to school, we were never able to build our relationship. We were fully adults with adult worries and responsibilities. There was no time for gisting and jokes like I saw my friends do with their husbands. 

I’m not sure how everything went so wrong.

Aliyu: I found out she was sleeping with someone else.

Sorry, what?

Mariam: After I’d just had our third baby, I got close to one of my old friends from ABU, one of the “suitors”. He was still unmarried. So we met a lot when Aliyu was away at work and I wanted to get out of the house and the chaos of crying babies. We never had sex, but we got intimate sometimes. 

Aliyu: I was also sleeping with my secretary at the time. But it didn’t stop me from being angry. Instead of telling her I found out, I just held it in and resented her.

Did it eventually come out?

Aliyu: Yes, when I saw her with another man different from the first one.

We moved to Abuja from Kaduna in 2004, and I spent less time at home because I had to travel more. I had a new girlfriend, and most times, I’d take her on these trips with me. I was considering making her a second wife.

One day, I saw Mariam leaving our house with this man when I’d just returned from a trip.

Mariam: A trip with his “girlfriend” I’m sure, but he had time to judge me.

Aliyu: Later that day, I confronted her about it and she just apologised. I couldn’t say anything again.

You just let it go?

Aliyu: Yes. I didn’t want stress, and I didn’t want to chase her out of my house. So what was the point of pushing it? I also thought it’d make her more agreeable to my bringing in a new wife.

Mariam: Him not getting angry made me realise he didn’t care what I did. He didn’t care about me. He just wanted someone respectable to bear him children. And since I’d given him two sons and dared to do family planning, he was done with me.

Aliyu: That’s not true. She was cold and that surprised me after we got married. I could never really get her to ease up and have fun with me.

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So what happened after this second bout of infidelity?

Mariam: This is when I feel we separated without separating. We just started leading different lives even though we still lived under the same roof — and slept in the same bed for nearly ten more years.

Aliyu: I continued travelling constantly and we hardly talked. In 2007, I married a second wife, we had a son, and things were peaceful. But in 2012, the second wife left me for another man.

Mariam: When he went to marry someone half his age. Guess who had to take care of an additional child for him.

You?

Mariam: Yes. The woman left her son. I recently heard she’s relocated overseas with her new husband and their children.

Aliyu: I’d never have let her take my son to another man.

After this, I just decided I wouldn’t take another wife. 

But did the affairs continue on both sides?

Mariam: Yes. I’m not proud to say it, but I’ve found other men I’ve felt more committed to than my husband. I considered remarrying once. In the end, I didn’t want all the drama and stigma. And I didn’t trust that the new man wouldn’t disappoint me. I also had three growing children to think about.

Aliyu: I didn’t date anyone for years after my second wife left. It felt irresponsible of me to do so. Every woman I was with after, I only had sex with.

Do you think your children feel any type of way about you living separate lives?

Mariam: Probably when they were younger, but they’re now all grown with families of their own. 

My daughter often calls me to try to force a reconnection between us because she’s feeling righteous. But I tell her off. She thinks it’s my fault the marriage isn’t “working well” because I never treated her father with respect. Imagine.

Aliyu: There were times you could’ve been more humble.

I think the children understand how hard life and marriage is now, so they’re fine. 

Do you think you’ll ever divorce?

Aliyu: No, I don’t believe in that. Even the prophet said that of all things permitted, divorce is the most hated by God. 

Even though you’re both committing adultery?

Aliyu: I believe marriage is for life. And I still love my wife. She’ll always be my first love. I do everything I can to treat her right. She’s also given me three beautiful children.

Mariam: If I didn’t do it when I was maybe in my 30s, I don’t think I’d ever divorce because there’s no guarantee that what’s outside is better than what’s here. Aliyu is my partner in many ways, even though God did not permit that sex and companionship be one of them. 

Today, we’re friends and we’re each other’s confidants.

Right. What was your first major fight about?

Aliyu: When she suddenly wanted to start using condoms during sex.

Mariam: He never agreed to use them. That’s why I had to get the implants in secret. When I later told him, he was angry but placated that at least he didn’t have to put on a condom.

Aliyu: Condoms are for laying with harlots.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Aliyu: 5

Mariam: 5. Average.

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

NEXT UP: Love Life: Nigeria Should Let Us Marry in Peace

Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Ene: We met through a women-only LGBTQ+ support group exactly ten years ago. I’d just joined the community through an invitation from someone I met at work, and they hosted a book club meeting about a month after. I love to read so I happily attended. 

I sat beside Nduka; her big smile and nice scent caught my attention. We became fast friends.

Nduka: I remember we discussed “The Goldfinch” by Donna Tartt, and she made a joke about how hard it was to get copies of new foreign books. She’d read a pirated ebook online, and it turned out more than half of us in that room had done the same. We exchanged numbers and email addresses because I wanted to send her some other books I liked. 

When did you realise you liked each other?

Ene: The group organised hangouts at least once a month, and we’d always chat each other up to check if the other person was attending. She lived not too far away from me at the time, so we started attending together. I don’t usually like going to places where I don’t know anyone, so I’d have stopped going to those things if not for her. 

By the third time we did that, we’d formed a bond outside my usual friend group. She became the only person I could talk to about anything remotely queer; all my friends leaned toward homophobia.

Nduka: I’d been part of the community for about a year then, and had made many friends. But with her, I drifted apart from the other girls. Something about her being new to the whole lifestyle made her really attractive to me, so I did all I could to support her without being pushy. 

I knew I liked her the first day we went for a games night together in the same cab. I wanted to kiss her many times, but I held back. 

What was the turning point from all that holding back?

Nduka: Months after we met, she asked me if we could be friends outside just meeting because of the community.

Ene: I liked her a lot, but we only ever talked or hung out when there was a community activity. I wanted more than that. She said, “Of course,” but between work and the fact that I was paranoid about being outside together, we still only hung out with the community for months. 

Nduka: Then one Sunday, I just called and asked if I could come to her house. She still lived with her parents, so her “yes” was hesitant. I came anyway, and we stayed in her room the whole day talking and reading. 

Our relationship shifted to something beyond friendship that day. We kept looking at each other and our conversation was strongly flirtatious.

Ene: I was so shy and was constantly blushing.

Walk me through how you started dating

Nduka: After that day, we started having these long phone calls. But we also missed several community hangouts.

Ene: I think we were scared to be together in public. I was probably the scared one.

Nduka: No, I just knew I’d try to kiss or constantly hug you. And I don’t think you were ready for that.

Ene: The founders kept calling me to make sure I was fine. I wanted to tell them I think I’ve fallen in love with another member, and I don’t know how to act.

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I feel you, girl

Ene: Thank you.

Nduka: Anyway, during those phone calls, I’d sneak in that all I wanted was for her to be my girlfriend. And she’d find a way to sidetrack. It was so frustrating.

Ene: I didn’t want to read too much meaning into anything. And I’d also never dated a girl. I really didn’t know how to act.

Nduka: One day, I landed in her house once more. It was a Saturday, and it was just her mum who was home and in the living room. I kissed her, we made out for a bit, and I looked her in the eyes and said, “Please, be my girlfriend.” She shook her head but still said yes. That’s how I knew I was in for a rollercoaster.

Scrim. What happened?

Nduka: Our relationship for the next year or so was just her sneaking into my house — I’d moved out of my parents house and only had a roommate — and us making out, sometimes, having sex. That was it. I tried for a little romance. We’d buy each other gifts all the time, but we could never go out, and I couldn’t even hold her hand at community hangouts.

Ene: I was shy and scared.

Nduka: At first, it was fun showing her all the ways queer sex is better for women. But after a while, I wanted more. 

Don’t get me wrong, we also had very beautiful conversations. We’d open up to each other about everything and I’d feel so connected to her. So I told myself to be content with that.

Did you talk to her about wanting more?

Nduka: I brought it up. But I was also scared of pushing her back into the closet, so I treaded carefully.

Ene: She’s a really affectionate person. I kept thinking we’d be in public and she wouldn’t be able to help getting close to me and patting my hair out of my face or something. 

I also knew my friends wouldn’t accept her because she’s always been so openly queer. Yet I admired that about her. How boldly she’s who she is.

How has your relationship evolved since then?

Nduka: We’ve come so far, and it really just took us getting comfortable with each other. 

There were times when I thought I’d leave her for someone else. But I knew the other people wouldn’t be as open and sincere as her. I’d been with like four people before her and the relationships were always shallow and sexual. Not with her.

It was jarring to accept that I’d fallen in love with Ene at some point.

Ene: She was patient with me. 

I remember when we went on our first date in 2018. I was like, what was I so scared about. It was a lovely dinner at a restaurant, and it felt good to be with her in the open. We didn’t overthink or talk too much about it beforehand. It was just time.

Nduka: In 2019, we talked about getting married. But it was a funny conversation because we weren’t even discussing marrying each other. We were talking about if she’d have to marry a man. Her mum had suddenly started asking her about it, and it was the first time we addressed the fact that we couldn’t even get married. What did that mean for our commitment to each other?

Ene: I decided I didn’t want to marry anyone if I couldn’t marry her, so we moved in together soon after.

How does not being able to wed really feel?

Nduka: It sucks. 

Ene: It makes me feel vulnerable, and sometimes, insecure about our relationship.

Nduka: After so long together, it’s something we can comfortably ignore. We focus on what exists: the love between us, how important we are to each other. Everything else is just semantics.

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After so long together, do your parents, family or friends know?

Ene: I came out to my parents finally in 2021. And it was the scariest experience ever. I don’t know how I did it. I think they were so shocked they just pretend I never existed.

Nduka: I mean, they still check in on you from time to time.

Ene: My eldest brother heard and kept saying, “But you’re both so feminine. How does it work?” He was just laughing at me. It felt invalidating. I don’t know which would’ve been worse, what I got or anger.

Nduka: My mum knew I was queer from my uni days. But she’s prayed against the “spirit in me” to this day. 

I think what’s surprising, though, is how our families still quietly support us despite their differing beliefs. They still check in on us. My elder sisters are always in my house wanting to hangout. Most of my friends are open minded. But we had to lose most of her friends.

How did you feel about that, Ene?

Ene: Sad. 

But I never felt truly accepted among my friends, so I don’t let myself get too sad. This one “friend” actually started telling everyone, spreading gossip and lies about our relationship. It was toxic. Those weren’t really friends.

Nduka: We’ve made so many new healthy ones together.

Ene: The community has been the perfect support group. Our friends there are some of the best people I’ve ever known.

What does the future look like for your relationship?

Ene: We’ve been talking about children. I’ve always wanted kids so it’s been a major topic between us for the last couple of years. We’re still torn between getting a sperm donor we know or using a sperm bank for the IVF.

Nduka: We’ve been visiting fertility clinics, and they’ve been surprisingly homophobic.

Ene: We realised it’s smoother to approach them as a single mother than as a queer couple. And that’s been heartbreaking because it’s not like they particularly support an unmarried woman wanting kids either.

Nduka: Adoption was ruled out for obvious reasons. Crazy, but IVF is actually cheaper too.

Interesting. What about the pushback you may get while raising children as a queer couple in Nigeria?

Nduka: We’ve thought about it. But society has already taken the option to marry away from us. We won’t let them take this too.

Ene: I know it’ll be drama, especially when they start going to primary and secondary school. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I’m scared, but not scared enough to not at least try.

Fair. What was your first major fight about?

Ene: We fight about money a lot. She’s too extravagant with her spending, especially on gadgets and appliances.

Nduka: Or you’re too thrifty. She’s saving for the apocalypse or something. She can go days without spending a dime, which is a skill that’s thankfully rubbed off on me.

Ene: A little. 

Anyway, I wouldn’t call them major fights. Don’t think we’ve had a major fight.

Nduka: No.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?

Nduka: 8. Nigeria should let us marry in peace.

Ene: Yes, 8. When it’s just us, it’s perfect. But once the world comes in…

Check back every Thursday by 9 AM for new Love Life stories here. The stories will also be a part of the Ships newsletter, so sign up here.

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