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Society likes to dictate what we should do, the jobs we should get, and what life skills should matter. Knowing how to drive or swim matters, but when it comes down to it, it’s more important to have the skills on our list.
Buying bread
Photo credit: guardian.ng
Have you ever bought bread that’s drier than the Sahara desert and your DMs, and had to kneel and beg it to let you eat it? If you have, you’ll understand why this skill is a must-have in life.
Frying plantain
Photo credit: mydiasporakitchen.com
The best thing since soft, fresh, hot agege bread, the perfect fried plantain takes skill to make. It has to be golden brown with the right amount of salt to spark everlasting joy in your heart.
Boiling eggs
Photo credit: omgvoice.com
As far as we’re concerned, egg boiling should be taught in schools. It’d save a lot of people from the heartbreak and disappointment that comes with wanting hard-boiled eggs and getting barely cooked yolk for drinking.
Buying juicy fruits
Photo credit: thehungryhuskyfiles.wordpress.com
If you buy dry watermelons or oranges that slap harder than a Nigerian mother on a Sunday afternoon, how would you make the juice or smoothie that’d portray you as the rich, bougie Nigerian you are?
Laying a frontal
This skill won’t just have you looking like a baddie, it’ll also have you deep in your bag. There’s a reason why people pay thousands to have their wigs looking like it came out their scalp.
Fixing lash extensions
Forget about knowing how to write or use a computer; if your hands are steady enough to glue fake lashes on, you’re one step away from becoming a doctor and your parents’ favourite child.
Making pap or custard
Photo credit: insanelygoodrecipes.com
5 out of 6 people fail woefully at mixing powder in boiling water to create pap or custard. If you’re one of the few people with multiple successes at this task, you should print “I can make pap and custard” on a shirt, and wear it everywhere.
Picking Instagram vendors
If you’ve never been swindled by an Instagram vendor before, congratulations, you’re in the one percent of the one percent. You need to share your skill and knowledge with others.
Turning 30 can feel like the morning after a wild partying spree; you can still feel the euphoria from the night before, but you realise, “Oh shit. I have to get my life together or I’m die.”
It doesn’t have to be so serious, though. None of us have totally hacked the whole getting-your-life-together thing. In fact, some of the expectations you have as you get older may very well be unnecessary pressure you don’t have to succumb to; like getting married or having ten kids to carry on the family name. No, mother. Please.
Still, it’s not a bad idea to know how to do at least five things on this list before you turn the big 30.
You’ve got this!
1. Shoot shots (romantic and platonic)
In this day and age of social media, it all starts with how you slide into DMs. Don’t slide in with bathroom slippers. Go in with your best suede shoes. You have to come correct if you want to find a BFF or love of your life.
2 Hold conversations
Sure, this might come naturally to some people, but you’d agree that “Wyd?” could be better off as “I noticed you do/like xyz. Can you tell me about that?” Try this angle and see if they keep ignoring your DMs.
3. Apologise
You have to learn to lower your shoulders and genuinely say “I’m sorry” when you’re in the wrong. It will feel uncomfortable, but you won’t die. We promise.
4. Communicate
Effective communication saves other people from trying to figure out what’s in your head (how you feel, or what you want, etc). This, too, can feel super uncomfortable, but it’s a skill you will be thankful for in the long-run.
5. Cook beans without burning the house down
Unless you want your landlord to come for you. Plus, life is less scary knowing that you have at least one survival skill – whipping up a decent meal.
6. Cross the road
Whatever you do, don’t start out by crossing at a T-junction. Start small; from your parlour to your room, a small street here and there. Learn this so your friends can rest knowing you won’t get yourself killed by oncoming traffic. Also, when in doubt, look left, look right, and look left again.
7. Make semo/eba/amala/pap/custard without lumps
This has nothing to do with being husband or wife material. It’s so you don’t waste these ingredients. Have you seen how expensive they are these days? Plus, the satisfaction you get knowing you did that shit doesn’t have part two.
8. Identify a scam message/scammer
You work too hard for your life savings to disappear in the blink of an eye. Stay alert in these physical and online streets, dear.
9. Drive on a Nigerian road
If this doesn’t kill you by the time you are thirty, then you’ll know that you’ve conquered it. Phew!
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10. Not catch feelings for everyone you talk to
Do you like “breakfast” served to you on a golden platter? Thought as much. You’ll have to start by rewiring your brain, because you will meet A LOT of amazing people. The aim is not to fall in love with them all, but to experience them as they come and build connections.
11. Get your finances together
We don’t mean to sound like your mum, but she’s right. Saving, investing, taking stock and creating budgets are actually important things you should get a hang of before thirty if you don’t want to be an onigbese.
12. Switch from generator to light with the speed of Usain Bolt
As a Nigerian, once you’ve mastered this, add: “I am not your mate” to your social media bio.
13. Say “NO” with your full chest
You didn’t go through torturous years of adulting to be scared of offending people or establishing your boundaries. Las las , they’ll be fine.
14. Shake your ass on a yacht
A.k.a know how to enjoy life, after all, you literally get only one shot at it. And no, bingeing on Netflix for sixty hours straight doesn’t make the cut. Get your best buds and make beautiful memories in the outside.
15. Give A-class head
Rule number one: no teeth. Please and thanks. It’s okay to ask questions and figure out what works for your partner. That’s actually a way to hack it and make them call you names that’ll make you blush.
If this article is giving zen vibes, then you should probably share it right away. T for tenks!
