Children, Ash Wednesday is here again. Yes, that day when Christians all over the world burn palm fronds from the previous year’s Palm Sunday celebrations and ritualistically smear it across their foreheads as a way to remind themselves that from dust they came and to dust they shall return.

Super depressing if you ask me.

Anyway, Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent, 40 days out of the Christian liturgical year during which Christians solemnly prepare for Easter through giving up certain luxuries in attempt to replicate Jesus’ journey into the desert for 40 days.

That’s why we’re here today. To suggest 15 luxuries you could give up.

When was the last time you checked your cholesterol level? Do you think you’re still young? You better use this an opportunity to get your diet in check, you fucking fossil.

Find something else to do before you shove your hand down your partner’s pants whenever you invite them over to hang out, you whore.

Yes, I know you were excited about that video you just found. But I assure you that that video of that college student who is trying anal for the first with a big hulking black drifter instead of studying for her mid-terms is still going to be there in 40 days. Also, visit convenanteyes.com to help with your porn addiction, you filthy harlot.

Use all that time you’d usually dedicate to foreplay to pray.

You thought you’d use this as a loophole, didn’t you? Your body is a temple and the least you can do is not defile it for 40 days. So, do away with the extra-large bottle of Jergens, baby oil, vaseline, groundnut oil, shea butter etc.

Goodluck accomplishing this in Nigeria.

Truth time: You’ve used alcohol as a way to numbly coast through the humdrum of your life. Use these 40 days as a way to rediscover what it’s like to live life without the blur of beer goggles.

Wouldn’t it be nice to take a break from the festering, mental health-destroying cesspool that is Twitter?

Let the TL see your real face for once. You know, in case you ever go missing and they need pictures of you to put on flyers.

Because it’s annoying. And you’re not as good at it as you think you are.

Yes, perfume is a luxury. Let your natural scent roam free and see how many of your loved ones stick around.

Because they’ve moved on. And you need to do the same.

Friendly reminder that drinking a bottle of soda with every meal is not enjoyment, you’re killing yourself. Shalom.

I’m very sure your superiors at work will understand. Just be sure to let them know that even though you won’t be working, you’ll still need your salary.

Do you know what’s better than Nigerian ash? Canadian ash. Use these 40 days to intensify your attempts to leave this joke of a country.

Before you go, click here to read about things that are too real for catholic during lent.