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Interview With Dunlop Slippers: “You People Don’t Appreciate Me”

Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.

How do you treat your Dunlop Slippers? Do you accord it respect or do you only remember it when it’s time to wear it to the bathroom, the market or to walk in the rain?

If your answer to any of this is yes, Dunlop Slippers has had enough of your rubbish. Today on Interview With, the underappreciated and overworked footwear shares its grievances with Zikoko.

*Dunlop Slippers flies into the room and everyone dodges*

Zikoko: Ahan. Zikoko writers, are you afraid the slippers will land on your back?

Dunlop Slippers: [Lets out an evil laugh] At the sight of me, everybody must adjust, and every back shall confess that Dunlop Slippers carries power.

Is that why you entered our office like Hurricane Katrina? Please let us know when you are ready oh.

[Dunlop Slippers finally settles into the Interview Couch] Good morning, interviewer.

Same to you, Dunlop Slippers. Are you good?

No. Do I look good to you?

There is no need to be aggressive. I’m just making small talk.

You started the aggression, please. Why will I greet you good morning and you will reply “same to you”? I don’t know what you are going through, but I am not the cause of your misfortune.

I shall not experience misfortune in the mighty name of Jesus. Are you sick?

You are the one interviewing a pair of Dunlop Slippers. I believe it should be obvious to you by now, who the sick one is among us.

Oho, so this is how I am being repaid for my niceness? Nice one.

Which niceness? After everything I go through in the hands of your species, you open your mouth to say you are nice? Please, the day is still young, interviewer. Don’t get me angry.

Me I don’t understand the reason for this aggressive behaviour sha. And what have you gone through in the hands of my… species?

What have I not gone through? Nigerian mothers throw me at their kids when they misbehave, secondary school students use me to beat their juniors, all of you wear me during the rainy season when you know that I don’t have a very strong grip. You relegate me into the bathroom permanently and change my name to bathroom slippers. Even when I give up work and cut, some of you will still sew me and continue to wear me. You won’t let me rest, you still won’t let me die. What exactly is the problem? And now you sit there asking me why I am aggressive. Why won’t I be aggressive? Don’t ask me why I am aggressive. Ask Nigerians why they are wicked.

All right… I am sensing that you feel unappreciated. Is that correct?

[Looks around the Zikoko office]

What are you looking for?

Your psychology degree. Because this one you have suddenly become a therapist, I don’t understand it.

But yes, I don’t feel appreciated enough. Just yesterday I came through for an aunty that wore high heels to the beach. She wore me at that beach and was very happy.I won’t even lie, I was not happy with the way she kept using me to walk over hot sand. But did I complain? No. Even when she went close to the water and the waves almost removed me from her leg, I held on for dear life and kept my mouth shut, all in a bid to make her happy and give her the comfort she wants. And guess what she did once we left the beach?

Tell me.

Dustbin. She dumped me in the dustbin

Oh, I’m sor—

Why are you interrupting me? Let me talk. What is wrong with your species?

I’m not one of them.

Your species even have a name for me: bathroom slippers. Like you are ashamed to be seen in public with me. Before all those crocs and slides and palm slippers came, I saved your lives. You people deserve everything my colleagues have been doing to you.

Colleagues? Is there an association of Dunlop Slippers that I don’t know about?

Ogbeni, you are even wearing crocs right now. I am the oga of the footwear association. I put the holes in crocs, I’m the reason your slides expand, the reason the soles of Birkenstocks break fast, the reason everything is expensive.

Sorry oh, inflation.

I am the reason tyres are no longer durable. And if you people don’t rethink how you treat me and my people, we will make sure there are no more latex left to make condoms.

Okay, you are scaring me. Please calm down.

Oh, so you can ask me to calm down now, abi? You people don’t appreciate anything until it dies, then you’ll go on Twitter and be tweeting remember when. Your followers too will join you with their retweets and false sympathy, and you all will think you are good people.

Ahan, all this rant because of what?

Because I have been quiet for too long thinking you will change your ways, but nothing seems to be changing!

Sorry dear, we will wear bathroom slippers outside.

You and who is bathroom slippers? My name is Dunlop. Dunlop Slippers. Is that too hard for you to pronounce?

I even tried to be fancy. I stopped being multi-coloured, I added ribbons and beads and cowries to myself, but you people refused to give me the special treatment you give to your fancy shoes. But no. I was not enough for you. You simply decided I was fit for dirty markets and loud supermarkets. And me too, I decided to show you how much value I have. If you will not appreciate me, then I will not let you enjoy me. That is why I always go missing. You must have noticed it, haven’t you?

You wear me for a while and then one day, one leg is missing.

Ah…

Yes nau, man dem wicked but me wickeda than them. You people don’t know that I am well-travelled. I have been to every country, and Nigerians abroad respect me more.

We are sorry. We will do better.

If you like, don’t do better. I will keep on disappearing.

Hmm, maybe this is why they don’t like wearing you…

Say it with your chest, which one is “they”? You mean you. You think I don’t know your own story? I know all of you. Do you know how many times I have saved your life when a nail was trying to injure you? I let it in and it doesn’t harm you, you don’t even find it until two years later.

Why did you let the nail enter in the first place?

To show that I have power.

What?

Ehen? What about it?

Nothing. We appreciate all you do for us.

That one is your business. I need to go now. My current oga wants to go to work but doesn’t want to wear his suede shoes in the rain. Come and show me that your psychology degree fast fast before I leave.

Check back every Friday by 9AM for new Interview With episodes. To read previous stories, click here.

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[donation]

Malakai Bassey

August 13, 2021

Interview With…

dunlop slippers, Humour, interview with, Laughter
16 Signs You’re Not The Bad Bitch You Think You Are

There are too many people on these streets claiming to be what they are not. At least five people out of six claim to be a bad bitch, even when they do not have the range or ability for it.

Anyway, we have decided to put you all in your place. If these signs manifest in your life, then it means you are not the bad bitch you actually think you are.

1. You catch feelings quick.

Someone will text you everyday for two weeks and you have already caught feelings. Do you really think that’s an attribute of a bad bitch?

2. You still live under your parents’ roof.

Your parents are housing you and you want to come out and claim bad bitch. Which money will you use to paint town red? Your pocket money?

3. You slimfit your jeans because you can’t find your size.

Please just rest. Don’t drag anything, just quietly renounce the title of bad bitch and live a honest life.

4. You cry when you watch movies.

Even songs, you are crying. You think being bad bitch is about being Nkiru Sylvanus’ intern? Abeg comot for here.

5. You are studying biochemistry, engineering, sociology, or geology.

Even if they are distributing bad bitch forms for free, it will never reach you. Just focus on your studies, eh?

6. You are the second born.

You got leftover baby clothes from the first born. Sorry to break it to you, but you don’t qualify.

7. You moan during sex.

Something you are supposed to chest and keep quiet. Ask the real bad bitches, they don’t even do pim.

8. You attend Covenant University.

Hmmm. It is well. Please dissociate yourself from being a bad bitch before your school authorities decide to abolish bad bitches worldwide.

9. You have a babyface.

Nature has already denied you access to the bad bitch circle. Please rest.

10. Your name is Desire, Damilola, TiaraOluwa, Chioma, Amaka, Favour.

Ah, please go and do change of name before you even think of calling yourself a bad bitch, abeg.

11. Your name is Blessing.

Sorry dear, even if you change your name, you still cannot be a bad bitch. Having Blessing as your name has forever robbed you of that chance.

12. You cannot swim or ride a bicycle.

Instead of you to be learning how to do these things, you are trying to be a bad bitch. Do you even have your priorities aligned?

13. Your parents did not throw a first year birthday party for you.

Smart parents. They already know you don’t have the potential for it.

14. You have less than five wigs.

More importantly, what will your life as a bad bitch look like?

15. You cannot draw your own eyebrows.

At this point, just give up. If they call bad bitches and you answer eh, we will personally find you and cane you.

16. You eat semo.

Please get out of here, cultist.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

August 1, 2021

Inside Life

bad bitch, Humour, Jokes, Laughter, Sarcasm
12 Easy Ways To Know Your Partner No Longer Loves You

Love is not difficult; if your partner loves you, it is clear to see and know. But sometimes, you might be with someone who is showing signs that are very hard to read. You then spend the entire time wondering if they love you or not.

You don’t have to worry anymore. Here are 12 easy ways to know your partner no longer loves you.

1. If they sleep with their back turned to you.

They are already showing you their back. It’s time to start packing your load because that relationship is on its last bar. It won’t last another month.

2. If you tell them you have not eaten and they say, “Ehya, make sure you eat something oh.”

Of course, they no longer care if you die or live. They are over you. Think back to when you first met; did they not send you food, at the very least?

3. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Come if you want.”

You don cast. Better break up before you find out that they are marrying someone who is not you.

4. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Yes, you can come.”

Should you even have to ask? When the relationship started, were they not begging you to come and visit them? What changed?

5. If the number of sexual rounds reduce.

Of course, they can no longer stand you. They just want you to get up and leave their space.

6. If the number of sexual rounds increase.

Clearly, they want to enjoy what they can enjoy before they throw you out like trash. Do you want our advice? Deprive them of that enjoyment. Lock up and then break up.

7. If they don’t like you eating from their plate.

The both of you ordered rice and they still don’t want you to eat sixteen spoons from their rice? Omo, better break-up. There is nothing left for you in that relationship.

8. If they ask you to eat from their food.

They are indirectly calling you a longthroat. If I were you, I will not eat that food. It’s break-up straight.

9. If they fall asleep before you.

If this is not enough sign for you, then you need help.

10. If they fall asleep after you.

Are you a child that they have to put you to bed first? That person is infantlising you. Please leave. We want you to want better for yourself.

11. If they come back from an outing without buying you anything, just because you said you don’t want anything.

They couldn’t even make an effort?? Nah, that person no longer loves you.

12. If they come back from an outing and give you a gift even after you said you don’t want anything.

This person clearly doesn’t listen to you. Are you proud to be in a relationship where your words don’t count? You better leave. There is no more love in that relationship. It has dried up.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 31, 2021

Inside Life

break-up, Humour, Laughter, romance, Sarcasm
13 Ways To Identify A Struggling Nigerian Man

Streets are tough, but Nigerian men are tougher. A lot of them are struggling, but you won’t know because of how organised they are. Well, we have hacked their secrets. If you are dating or planning to date any man who manifests any of these signs, please run. That guy is broke and has nothing to offer you.

Stay woke, queens.

1. If he is a poet.

These ones are the original owners of the word struggle. They will serenade you with romantic lines and even give you one or two orgasms while at it, but when it’s time for them to drop something, best believe they can drop dead. Flee, my babe.

2. If he works at a start-up.

Yes, forget all you have heard about tech bros. The only ones that are not struggling are the ones in Paystack and Flutterwave. You see the rest of them? Struggle with a sprinkle of scaling and growth.

3. If he is always hungry.

The typical Nigerian man. See ehn, if you meet any and the first thing he’s concerned about is if you can cook fresh stew or make pap, just gather your wig under your armpit and run before you enter everlasting struggle.

4. If he is a musician.

Yes, they look good and babes are rushing them. But if you check their account balance ehn, it’s emptier than a doll’s head. Just collect the song and the orgasm they will offer. You see financial capabilities? It’s not from them biko.

5. If he doesn’t have a beard.

Someone does not have a beard and you think he’s not struggling? Listen, he is struggling with forces and principalities that even you cannot see.

6. If he has a beard.

Surely you know he kept it so he can be struggling with it until you come into his life and he can transfer the chaos to you. You better run.

7. If he has dyed his hair at least two times.

He might look chic and alte, but listen, mans is going through existential struggles. Enter it and you too will collect.

8. If he still lives with his parents.

Um, do you still want us to talk, or will you take the hint already?

9. If he lives alone.

Clearly that guy is struggling with a lot of interpersonal problems and they are so much that had to move out of the house. Get it?

10. If he is good in bed.

That means he cannot offer you anything else, so he wants to use knacks to finish your life until you are confused on whether to stay or leave. May the compass of your life lead you aright.

11. If he is not good in bed.

Of course he is struggling in the bedmatics part. Is that the kind of life you want for yourself?

12. If he has a powerbank.

Yes please, Twitter people have said that powerbank is a sign of struggle. Just take it that way.

13. If he is still alive.

Since you have all these demands, you might as well just settle for a dead guy so you can be free of struggling forever and you both can rest in peace.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 18, 2021

Inside Life

Jokes, Laughter, Sarcasm, struggling man
11 Ways To Identify A Struggling Nigerian Babe

Streets are tough, but Nigerian babes are tougher. A lot of them are struggling, but you won’t know because of how organised they are. Well, we have hacked their secrets. If you are dating or planning to date any babe who manifests any of these signs, please run. That madam is broke and has nothing to offer you.

Stay woke, kings.

1. If she is still in the university.

This is the number one marker of a struggling babe. If you date her, the only thing she will bring to the table is past questions and Dr. Ojewole’s ECN 211 handout. My guy, abeg flee.

2. If she works at a 9 – 5.

LMAO this one is clearly still struggling. If you date her, just know you will carry all the expenses, because how much will they pay her at the 9 – 5 if not money for creamy pasta? You better leave her alone.

3. If you cannot give you at least N200K when you have an emergency.

God forbid poverty for you oh. Imagine dating a babe that does not have spare N200k lying in her account. What are you doing in that kind of relationship?

4. If she is between 21 -25.

Please and please just go. Babes in this age bracket are the founding members of the struggling babes association, Nigerian chapter. Date them at your own risk.

5. If she owns this shoe.

This is their signature shoes. You know where they wear it to? To eat creamy pasta that they didn’t pay for. You don’t believe us? Throw one leg of this shoe into a Lagos restaurant. Honest to God, you will hit a struggling babe about to lift her third forkful of pasta into her mouth.

6. If she wears thrift.

Please oh, leave that struggling madam alone and go for a babe who can comfortably wear Deola Sagoe to ShopRite.

7. If she has less than 5 wigs.

Clearly, that poor babe is struggling. Leave her on her own, please. When she has money, let her come back to the relationship.

8. If she has no egdes.

Guy, run oh. Clearly that babe has lost one struggle. Enter a relationship with her and you will end up losing more.

9. If she is not up to 5’9″

She might not be struggling financially, but there are other factors she is struggling with. Free that babe, abeg, make she carry her wahala dey go.

10. If she is the first daughter.

Ah, you want to date a family woman? You better leave her before you enter the relationship and join her in her struggles.

11. If she is still alive.

Toh, I see you like struggling a lot. Someone is battling all the many things life is throwing at her and you still want to date her? You better settle for a dead babe so you can both rest in peace.

If she cannot click the link below to dash Zikoko money, RUN.

[donation]

Kunle Ologunro

July 10, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, Laughter, Sarcasm, struggling babe
11 Ways To Win The Heart Of An Igbo Woman

If you find yourself falling for an Igbo woman, don’t hold back. Allow yourself to feel that delightful tingle. It’s the beginning of a new journey for you. It can end in tears, character development, or marriage. Here are 11 things you must do to secure the best outcome for yourself.

1. Give her money.

Dollars, specifically. If you think you want to win an Igbo woman’s heart with Naira, you are deceiving yourself.

2. If you must serve her breakfast in bed, please include beer in the breakfast tray.

You get extra points if it is small stout.

3. Let her date other men.

That a person is working in one company does not mean they cannot attend interviews at other firms. Let nne keep her options open. The winner is the one who marries her. Until then, everything is a competition.

4. Buy beard oil for her.

That is a clear sign that you are attuned to her body and you are committed to loving it completely. Also, wouldn’t it be romantic if she keeps the beard for you while you remain beardless?

5. If she offends you, apologise to her by crediting her account.

Igbo women do not offend their men. If there is something wrong in the relationship, it is definitely the fault of the man. Did you not know this before agreeing to go into a relationship with an Igbo woman?

6. If she does not reach out to you in three months, stay faithful.

Igbo women need to be reminded that they are in a relationship. Too many things to think about, so please don’t fuck up your game by dating another woman. If my good Igbo woman returns to find you in another relationship, e don be for you oh.

7. Take her to her hometown for Christmas.

That’s one sure bet that will always work. Imagine taking Chiamaka to Anambra for Christmas. My dear, you have won the lottery. Wine-carrying ceremony straight!

8. Whatever happens, remember that Igbo women never cheat.

And that’s because they were never in the relationship in the first place but that’s a story for another day. Just stay patient.

9. Every morning, this is how you must praise her.

Tomato Jos, Eggovin nwa, enenebe eje olu, asa nwa, asa mpete, ada obodo dike, ada obodo oyibo, lolo, omalicaha. And then now add dollars to it and watch her burn for you.

10. Igbo women will ruin your life but it’ll be worth it.

The earlier you know this, the quicker it is to adjust your heart settings to “Awaiting destruction.”

11. Wickedness is the special flavour. Always remember that.

If you know you cannot handle the heat, don’t come close to the fire. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

12 Signs Your Nigerian Girlfriend Is A Rich Woman

Kunle Ologunro

June 26, 2021

Inside Life

Humour, igbo women, Laughter, listicle, wickedness

Zikoko: Ahan. Zikoko writers, are you afraid the slippers will land on your back?

Is that why you entered our office like Hurricane Katrina? Please let us know when you are ready oh.

Same to you, Dunlop Slippers. Are you good?

There is no need to be aggressive. I’m just making small talk.

I shall not experience misfortune in the mighty name of Jesus. Are you sick?

Oho, so this is how I am being repaid for my niceness? Nice one.

Me I don’t understand the reason for this aggressive behaviour sha. And what have you gone through in the hands of my… species?

All right… I am sensing that you feel unappreciated. Is that correct?

What are you looking for?

Tell me.

Oh, I’m sor—

I’m not one of them.

Colleagues? Is there an association of Dunlop Slippers that I don’t know about?

Sorry oh, inflation.

Okay, you are scaring me. Please calm down.

Ahan, all this rant because of what?

Sorry dear, we will wear bathroom slippers outside.

Ah…

We are sorry. We will do better.

Hmm, maybe this is why they don’t like wearing you…

Why did you let the nail enter in the first place?

What?

Nothing. We appreciate all you do for us.

1. You catch feelings quick.

2. You still live under your parents’ roof.

3. You slimfit your jeans because you can’t find your size.

4. You cry when you watch movies.

5. You are studying biochemistry, engineering, sociology, or geology.

6. You are the second born.

7. You moan during sex.

8. You attend Covenant University.

9. You have a babyface.

10. Your name is Desire, Damilola, TiaraOluwa, Chioma, Amaka, Favour.

11. Your name is Blessing.

12. You cannot swim or ride a bicycle.

13. Your parents did not throw a first year birthday party for you.

14. You have less than five wigs.

15. You cannot draw your own eyebrows.

16. You eat semo.

1. If they sleep with their back turned to you.

2. If you tell them you have not eaten and they say, “Ehya, make sure you eat something oh.”

3. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Come if you want.”

4. If you ask to come visit them and they say, “Yes, you can come.”

5. If the number of sexual rounds reduce.

6. If the number of sexual rounds increase.

7. If they don’t like you eating from their plate.

8. If they ask you to eat from their food.

9. If they fall asleep before you.

10. If they fall asleep after you.

11. If they come back from an outing without buying you anything, just because you said you don’t want anything.

12. If they come back from an outing and give you a gift even after you said you don’t want anything.

1. If he is a poet.

2. If he works at a start-up.

3. If he is always hungry.

4. If he is a musician.

5. If he doesn’t have a beard.

6. If he has a beard.

7. If he has dyed his hair at least two times.

8. If he still lives with his parents.

9. If he lives alone.

10. If he is good in bed.

11. If he is not good in bed.

12. If he has a powerbank.

13. If he is still alive.

1. If she is still in the university.

2. If she works at a 9 – 5.

3. If you cannot give you at least N200K when you have an emergency.

4. If she is between 21 -25.

5. If she owns this shoe.

6. If she wears thrift.

7. If she has less than 5 wigs.

8. If she has no egdes.

9. If she is not up to 5’9″

10. If she is the first daughter.

11. If she is still alive.

1. Give her money.

2. If you must serve her breakfast in bed, please include beer in the breakfast tray.

3. Let her date other men.

4. Buy beard oil for her.

5. If she offends you, apologise to her by crediting her account.