Lagosians | Zikoko!

The unending floods, traffic and hiked transport fares are here, and so, if you’re still living in Lagos, two things are certain: you’re either in love with suffering or you’ve hacked surviving the city.

No one person has the answer, so we compiled a list of very important tips for surviving Lagos, sourced from Twitter.

Rules to survive in Lagos???

Drop them. This should be fun.😂😂
— SMALLIE (@the_smallie) July 2, 2022

This first tip goes without saying, but you see that madness? It’s even more important.

Even if you don’t understand Yoruba, you should have a handful of insults ready for whoever tries to mess with you.

Because if your daddy was a king, why would he let you live in Lagos? *Tearss*

If you still don’t know this, maybe you need to learn the hard way.

READ NOW: The Horrible Stages of Losing Your Phone in Computer Village

Why? We don’t know, but a lot of people agreed with him and he’s a doctor—he has to be right.

We’re pretty sure this is part of your driving school test.

And before then, take swim lessons.

Nobody will want to mess with you if you keep reminding them that you’re not normal.

Wait, where do you think you are?

LMAO, whether you’re in a hurry or not, you can’t appear sluggish at any point, that’s how they take you fi idiat.

After being stuck in traffic, paying double fare price, and still having to swim the rest of the way home, why should anything be funny to you?

WHILE YOU’RE HERE: 7 Things You Must Always Carry With You in Lagos

Meyimi O.

July 13, 2022

Inside Life

Lagos, Lagosians, Nigerians
A lot of people like to claim that they’re Lagosians. Get up to 10 questions right to prove you’re a true Lagosian.

Tuntamilore

March 24, 2021

Quizzes

Lagos, Lagosians, Quiz, Quizzes, trivia
Practically everything about the “Lagos experience” is hard. If you can survive the hectic traffic, there must be a special place for you in paradise. In the meantime, let us help you uncover what living in this ghetto city is seriously doing to you.

Dive innn.

QUIZ: How Will You Blow?

You can’t comman suffer in this Lagos for nothing. Take this quiz to find out how or when you will blow.

Susan Nwaobiala

March 18, 2021

Green White Quiz, Quizzes

Lagos, Lagos life, Lagosians
Let it be known that I’m not proud of myself for thinking of this. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, here are few bedroom slangs we can all borrow from Lagos traffic:

1) “Do you know who I am?”

This is best used when your bedroom skills are in doubt. It’s sweeter when you can back it up with stats. Alternatively, you can scream this one second before you orgasm.

2) “What’s causing the delay?”

Use this one on a case by case basis.

3) “Please, I’m lost. I can’t find where I’m going.”

Men, this one is for you. A closed mouth is a closed destiny.

4) “I will show you madness today.”

If kinky is your hobby, this one is for you.

5) “Hit me first and you’ll see.”

If kinky is not your hobby, this one is for you.

6) “We will sleep here today.”

Duh.

7) “Sanwo-olu!”

As a Lagosian living in Lagos, you have the right to shout this across a range of scenarios.

8) “Bottled water-Lacasera-Gala.”

Save this one for dirty talk.

Hassan Yahaya

September 1, 2020

Inside Life, Sex Life

Lagos, Lagosians, Traffic
Lagos has been rated the third most stressful city in the entire world.

So if you live in Lagos and can still take out time to read this, you deserve a lot of accolades.
Lagos has pushed a lot of us to the edge at one point or another. We might have adapted or in the process of adaptation.

Whichever it is, here are some ways to know you have really had enough of this city.
If you’ve ever been stuck in traffic that was literally on hold for hours, you would understand that patience is very important to maintain your sanity sometimes.

See, there’s levels to traffic in Lagos.
While you’re stuck in traffic, you turn on the radio just to hear some “wanna gonna”, while you strain your ears to catch up.

Accents are the only things distributed free of charge in this city.
But eating fantastic food at a low cost is an extreme sport in Lagos.

In summary, overpriced food is a trademark
If you happen to live on the island, rain is probably not your best friend. When it rains, it pours, and floods.

Even you will be flooded. This is when Lagos island turns into an actual island
Let’s focus on rent for a minute, from finding the house, to affording the bills, all I have to say is..

..In this Lagos if you want to enjoy, you just have to blow o
And then if you don’t own a car, transportation is an extreme sport in Lagos. I want to talk about the cost but I also want to talk about the stress of even getting buses itself.

Let’s just thank God we are alive
If you have not had an encounter or know someone that has had an encounter or heard stories about Sarz officials, do you even leave in Lagos?

If you see them, Just run.
We always wonder why there are so many people in Lagos or why so many plan to move here? Like why is Lagos so overpopulated?

But the real question is, why are you in Lagos? Just take a moment and ask yourself why you choose to continue suffering?

Eniola

September 7, 2018

General

Ambode, danfo, eko, eko o ni baje, fashola, Lagos, Lagosians, living in Lagos, Nigeria, SARZ, Traffic, Yellow buses
Traditionally, we Nigerians have always seen mental health as something that shouldn’t be discussed openly, and for men, it’s an issue ‘society’ forbids them to even acknowledge because it’s not ‘manly’.
So a lot of people-men and women- continue to live with depression and severe stress because they can’ talk about their feelings

Recently, Allwell Orji, a medical doctor, committed suicide by jumping into the Lagos lagoon from the 3rd Mainland Bridge. There are speculations he may have been depressed.
But when this Twitter user posted about her brother being depressed, people reacted quite differently

The siblings are orphans and her brother was having a terrible birthday because he couldn’t celebrate

https://twitter.com/SubDeliveryMan/status/847539305610227712

But people stepped up in the most amazing way to make his birthday fun

https://twitter.com/SubDeliveryMan/status/847541889813299200

Someone sharply tried to order doughnuts for him

https://twitter.com/SubDeliveryMan/status/847548106245668864

People sent him love, money and so many WhatsApp messages that his phone started to slow down

https://twitter.com/SubDeliveryMan/status/847539305610227712

Is someone cutting onions nearby, because my eyes are tearing up

Done 😊 I'm sure he's super happy now… he sounded it. Glad we made his day! 😃 My mum was beside me while I called so she spoke with him too
— Fareedah (@blackbaeutie) March 30, 2017

Who knew a little phone call could do so much?

Finally! I feel happy enough to sleep. Been down myself but calling him made me so happy, now I'm fine! @SubDeliveryMan @MentallyAwareNG
— shakti. (@shezAgoD) March 30, 2017

People were not even playing!

https://twitter.com/treymofo/status/847549599799812096

Sometimes, it’s the little things we do that make a huge difference

Dude's number is busier than a train station at rush hour
— Lord Sike (@DrewSike) March 30, 2017

If you can cheer someone up today, do it!

Shola

March 31, 2017

Gist

birthday, depression, funny nigerians, Lagosians, Nigerians, orphans, Twitter
Former Miss Valentine (2007), Maryam Elisha will just be praising God for saving her yesterday

She is also a designer (Rikaoto by ME) and model.
Apparently, she was driving on 3rd Mainland Bridge when her car started doing anyhow

https://www.instagram.com/p/BRlqKMyFJh1/?taken-by=maryamelisha

Lagos people- bless their hearts- quickly helped her out before the fire became this intense

https://www.instagram.com/p/BRmiDpvB6iP/?taken-by=bellanaijaonline

When your village people are determined but it’s not your time yet

Thank God Lagos people proved useful!

Weh done sirs and mas!
As for those that see accidents and walk away like it’s not their business, we see you o!

Diaris God o!

Shola

March 14, 2017

Gist

3rd mainland bridge, Accidents, ex beauty queen, fire, Lagos, Lagosians, maryam elisha
1. When people in other states are complaining of harmattan cold but all you feel is heat.

Are we really in this same Naija?
2. You, praying for even small harmattan breeze.

Oh Lord Of Elijah, answer your boy.
3. When you realize Lagos harmattan is just dust and more heat.

Who have we offended in this town?
4. When the harmattan now finally visits Lagos small, you’re like:

I can now rock my fine pull-over!
5. How your joy is full when you can now chook mouth and complain about the weather.

“Oh wow, this harmattan has no chill!”
6. You, running to the market to buy shea butter and vaseline like:

So my crush will not see my ashiness.
7. When the harmattan now decides to say bye-bye after 3 days.

Which kind of rough play is this?
8. When you travel to another state and you see the real harmattan.

So Lagos harmattan is a myth?
9. And no amount of shea butter and oil will stop you from looking like this:

Ashy AF!

Shola

January 10, 2017

Oldies

Funny, harmattan, Lagos, Lagosians, Nigeria, weather
Lagos snatched the title of the largest city in West Africa from Ibadan and has moved on to be the largest in Africa. But even in the face of serious banter, Ibadan has scored points in areas Lagos wouldn’t even dream of. Here are 8 of them:
1. Free flow of traffic.

Except on really bad accident days and during execution of construction projects, it is very possible to drive from a far end of Ibadan to another in less than two hours.
Just look at Lagos traffic.
2. There is enough space for everyone and everything, Ibadan is thrice the size of Lagos.

Ibadan has a landmass of over 27,000 sq km. But Lagos has a landmass of 3,577 sq km with a current population size of approximately 21 million.
Even the beaches are crowded.
3. Because of the free air and less traffic, the people are not angry.

The heat, stress and traffic in Lagos is enough to make someone angry forever please.
4. Three words: cheap cab fares.

Ibadan 100 – 1 Lagos
5. Rent in the suburbs is cheap too.

This two bedroom flat in Ibadan is #350,000 per annum, no need to drop one kidney to pay the landlord.
6. Abundance of historic monuments and tourist sites.

Ibadan has more evidence of Nigerian cultural heritage than Lagos does. The best part is that those places are very accessible.
7. The crime rate is lower than in Lagos.

While broods of petty thieves and armed robbers swarm in Lagos, fewer cases of crime is usually recorded in Ibadan.
8. You can totally ball on a budget.

Not like this exactly sha. [zkk_poll post=13222 poll=content_block_standard_format_11]

Maryam

December 15, 2015

Oldies

ibadan, Lagos, Lagosians, Nigeria, Nigerians, Traffic
Lagos seems to be the most “lit” city in Nigeria and everyone that has lived there must have a lot of funny stories to share. Nigerians on Twitter came together and shared the funniest things they have experienced in Lagos.
The raunchy masquerade.

https://twitter.com/mis_tafara/status/676146536544411648
Wow!
Your name becomes “customer” whenever you walk into any store.

Anywhere you enter that things are been sold you are called a "customer" even a pharmacy 👋. 😩😩😩 #MyLagosExperiences
— ✞he Black Pope (@Pope_khofe) December 13, 2015

If you are female, your name on any street is “fine girl”.

Walking on the streets and you hear "Hayce fine girl" #MyLagosExperiences pic.twitter.com/VLqZ9HZXtj
— Zeytoun 🧚🏾‍♀️ (@liivvy21) December 13, 2015

*Unlooks*
Some places in Lagos are not good for seize the bae 2015 movement.

https://twitter.com/HuntellaDotNet/status/676141886214680576
I can’t be seized from such distance, Daddy.
How to get away from LASTMA.

https://twitter.com/Ohioleh/status/676141256632832000

The Yaba boy chronicles.

#mylagosexperiences Yaba boys are the absolute worst!! So damn annoying! 😡 pic.twitter.com/LvsNVo0eZI
— Shayy. (@zeetah_) December 13, 2015

When it’s about to get crazy.

Watching Chelsea match in mushin and you hear men shouting and one suddenly breaks bottle #MyLagosExperiences pic.twitter.com/lxTgJAgs13
— Maud'Dib (@Noya_OG) December 13, 2015

Getting swindled at computer village.

https://twitter.com/barrybanbi/status/676278518930624512

When all pride and shame is gone.

#MyLagosExperiences.. That's hw I ws just looking at conductor d day I forgot wallet at home…. All pride gone. 😳 pic.twitter.com/i1TWi68RcJ
— Zain ♥ (@_Olah__) December 13, 2015

I will even wash your motor.
Eating killer noodles.

Then when they told u indomie killed people n u just ate indomie that morning #mylagosexperiences pic.twitter.com/sFQs4Snqco
— Nnaedozie U. (@Dozman_Richie) December 13, 2015

Is it how it ends because of ordinary Indomie?
Ah, yes! The annoying traffic.

Leaving your house on Monday morning at 5am vs leaving at 5:03am #mylagosexperiences pic.twitter.com/Bjjvh3Tw3i
— Nnaedozie U. (@Dozman_Richie) December 13, 2015

Those unexpected fights.

https://twitter.com/sayrusty/status/676096901364629504
I never hexperred it.
When the stock shirt isn’t so stock.

#MyLagosExperiences when you buy a shirt from ibo man boutique and it didn't last a week. pic.twitter.com/kCUyE80L0j
— Dominik Oboslide.🇳🇬 (@philz_dominic) December 14, 2015

Ikeja, the place for complete makeover.

#MyLagosExperiences when I see guys with dirty tatts n dry lips @ ikj bridge tellin me to come do tattoo & pink lips pic.twitter.com/ScoHLfRg4P
— GhostWriter (@MistAr_Juice) December 13, 2015

Is this one okay?
Meeting a potential bae.

That was how I ALMOST toasted this chick along Oshodi express way#MyLagosExperiences pic.twitter.com/cqdtlqUV45
— Nelson (@Nelson_JEET) December 14, 2015

You can’t even kiss in peace.

https://twitter.com/cristianoyinkus/status/676293129608278016
All the faces in your business.

Maryam

December 14, 2015

Gist

Ikeja, Ikeja Underbridge, Lagos, Lagos Traffic, Lagosians, Nigeria, Nigerians, Twitter, Yaba, yaba market

This first tip goes without saying, but you see that madness? It’s even more important.

Even if you don’t understand Yoruba, you should have a handful of insults ready for whoever tries to mess with you.

Because if your daddy was a king, why would he let you live in Lagos? *Tearss*

If you still don’t know this, maybe you need to learn the hard way.

Why? We don’t know, but a lot of people agreed with him and he’s a doctor—he has to be right.

We’re pretty sure this is part of your driving school test.

And before then, take swim lessons.

Nobody will want to mess with you if you keep reminding them that you’re not normal.

Wait, where do you think you are?

LMAO, whether you’re in a hurry or not, you can’t appear sluggish at any point, that’s how they take you fi idiat.

After being stuck in traffic, paying double fare price, and still having to swim the rest of the way home, why should anything be funny to you?

1) “Do you know who I am?”

2) “What’s causing the delay?”

3) “Please, I’m lost. I can’t find where I’m going.”

4) “I will show you madness today.”

5) “Hit me first and you’ll see.”

6) “We will sleep here today.”

7) “Sanwo-olu!”

8) “Bottled water-Lacasera-Gala.”

Lagos has been rated the third most stressful city in the entire world.

Lagos has pushed a lot of us to the edge at one point or another. We might have adapted or in the process of adaptation.

If you’ve ever been stuck in traffic that was literally on hold for hours, you would understand that patience is very important to maintain your sanity sometimes.

While you’re stuck in traffic, you turn on the radio just to hear some “wanna gonna”, while you strain your ears to catch up.

But eating fantastic food at a low cost is an extreme sport in Lagos.

If you happen to live on the island, rain is probably not your best friend. When it rains, it pours, and floods.

Let’s focus on rent for a minute, from finding the house, to affording the bills, all I have to say is..

And then if you don’t own a car, transportation is an extreme sport in Lagos. I want to talk about the cost but I also want to talk about the stress of even getting buses itself.

If you have not had an encounter or know someone that has had an encounter or heard stories about Sarz officials, do you even leave in Lagos?

We always wonder why there are so many people in Lagos or why so many plan to move here? Like why is Lagos so overpopulated?

So a lot of people-men and women- continue to live with depression and severe stress because they can’ talk about their feelings

But when this Twitter user posted about her brother being depressed, people reacted quite differently

The siblings are orphans and her brother was having a terrible birthday because he couldn’t celebrate

But people stepped up in the most amazing way to make his birthday fun

Someone sharply tried to order doughnuts for him

People sent him love, money and so many WhatsApp messages that his phone started to slow down

Is someone cutting onions nearby, because my eyes are tearing up

Who knew a little phone call could do so much?

People were not even playing!

Sometimes, it’s the little things we do that make a huge difference

If you can cheer someone up today, do it!

Former Miss Valentine (2007), Maryam Elisha will just be praising God for saving her yesterday

Apparently, she was driving on 3rd Mainland Bridge when her car started doing anyhow

Lagos people- bless their hearts- quickly helped her out before the fire became this intense

When your village people are determined but it’s not your time yet

Thank God Lagos people proved useful!

As for those that see accidents and walk away like it’s not their business, we see you o!

1. When people in other states are complaining of harmattan cold but all you feel is heat.

2. You, praying for even small harmattan breeze.

3. When you realize Lagos harmattan is just dust and more heat.

4. When the harmattan now finally visits Lagos small, you’re like:

5. How your joy is full when you can now chook mouth and complain about the weather.

6. You, running to the market to buy shea butter and vaseline like:

7. When the harmattan now decides to say bye-bye after 3 days.

8. When you travel to another state and you see the real harmattan.

9. And no amount of shea butter and oil will stop you from looking like this:

1. Free flow of traffic.

2. There is enough space for everyone and everything, Ibadan is thrice the size of Lagos.

3. Because of the free air and less traffic, the people are not angry.

4. Three words: cheap cab fares.

5. Rent in the suburbs is cheap too.

6. Abundance of historic monuments and tourist sites.

7. The crime rate is lower than in Lagos.

8. You can totally ball on a budget.

The raunchy masquerade.

Your name becomes “customer” whenever you walk into any store.

If you are female, your name on any street is “fine girl”.

Some places in Lagos are not good for seize the bae 2015 movement.

How to get away from LASTMA.

The Yaba boy chronicles.

When it’s about to get crazy.

Getting swindled at computer village.

When all pride and shame is gone.

Eating killer noodles.

Ah, yes! The annoying traffic.

Those unexpected fights.

When the stock shirt isn’t so stock.

Ikeja, the place for complete makeover.

Meeting a potential bae.

You can’t even kiss in peace.

Because if your daddy was a king, why would he let you live in Lagos? Tearss