Driving in Lagos will run you mad. One minute, you are a saint, the next minute, you are winding down your window to shout oloriburuku at someone who just almost took out your side mirror. But why raise your voice when you can improve the quality of your madness?

If you ever want them to fear you in Lagos, here are 8 things you must always carry in your car.

1. Calabash and red cloth with three cowries.

This one is for when they stop you at a toll gate or an agbero tries to collect money from you. Always put your money inside it. When you are harassed for money, take it from the calabash. Believe me, they will ask you to be going with your money.

2. Army sticker.

Not everybody who has that “NIGERIAN ARMY” sticker on their windscreen is a part of the army. But who will stop them and ask? Everybody is always afraid of them, and this is why you must get the sticker too. Whatever you do sha, don’t get into trouble with the real army. Zikoko will not cannot save you then.

3. Koboko.

This one is multi-purpose. If someone blocks your car in the parking lot and they still have the nerve to insult you, this one will teach them a lesson. And if any driver bashes your car and tries to move mad, just come down and flog the living daylight out of them. Again, if this person can fight, Zikoko cannot help you.

4. Bathroom slippers.

Wo, any driver that overtakes you in traffic, just wind down and fling it at them. Don’t worry about how you will hit the mark, once the slippers enter your hand, you will feel it.

5. Police cap on the dashboard.

This one can backfire. Too many people have beef with policemen. But they won’t beat you sha. The worst that will happen is that they will offer you N50 bribes when they see you coming towards them.

6. Pankere.

This one is for when a fellow driver misbehaves. Just signal for them to wind down. They will think you have something important to say. Just serve them one on the head — tawai! And speed off.

7. Duvet.

This is not to show that you are violent. In fact, it is to show that you have enough time for rubbish. If someone overtakes you rudely and you finally get to overtake them, just block their path and pull out your duvet. Now balance on your seat and fall asleep. That place they were rushing to get to, we will see where they will get there. Just pray this person has not read this article because…

8. Blended pepper.

You can also use ground pepper. Just pour it in an empty Ragolis bottle and pierce the cap. Anyone that moves mad next to you, wind down and squirt some pepper in their face. Ojoro cancel ojoro. Their father.

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