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A lot of Nigerian men have tried to push the agenda that Nigerian women are rich. So, Zikoko decided to investigate and we have come through with a list on how to spot a rich Nigerian woman. So, if you’re in the market for a rich woman, this one is for you.
Disclaimer: The source of the wealth should not be questioned. If you’re rich, you’re rich.
1. She has a Piggyvest account
This is the ultimate sign that a Nigerian woman is rich. She actively uses piggyvest to save her coins dollars. Check a Nigerian woman’s piggyvest to know her net worth. All that safe lock, target and flex dollar features were designed to keep a Nigerian woman rich.
2. She never checks price tags at the store
When you’re at the mall, there is always that fancy-dressed Nigerian woman with a full cart. Usually, she’s alone or with an assistant you might mistake for her friend. Her cart is always full because she has lost touch with price tag reality. She sees it, she wants it, she gets it.
3. Restaurant bills don’t faze her
She goes to fancy restaurants and orders food with names that cannot be pronounced. You know those tiny meals that a single plate cost more than the Nigerian minimum wage and they’re usually just smeared on the plate? That’s the kinda meals she likes to order. When the bill comes, she doesn’t excuse herself to the bathroom and tries to escape, she pays with her gold card.
4. She has rich friends
The rich like to hang out with themselves so she definitely has rich friends who do rich things. All her friends have gorgeous-sunlight-reflecting skin and human hair of the highest grade. They like to match colours when they step out to get drinks. White paint on their toes, manicured fingers, perfumes that literally smell like air-conditioned dollar mint, and outfits that cost more than federal university tuition in Nigeria.
5. She lives alone
She stays in some cute apartment by herself with a little dog. The ones that live with other girls are usually not as rich. The ones that live with their parents are RICH-RICH with a hint of dependency. Therefore, the ultimate test of her wealth, in this context, is living by herself in some fancy estate.
6. She drives a nice car
Having a nice car is high maintenance. If you see a Nigerian woman cruising in some nice car, just know she has money. With her large expensive shades on and her butt on a pillow so she can see her front well. These women don’t joke.
7. Multiple passports
If you see a Nigerian woman with more than one passport, hold her legs and don’t let her go until she blesses you. Dual citizenship is a plus if you’re Nigerian and she knows this (gotta have a backup nation in case one spoils.) *Stares at Nigeria*
Bonus: She sells Kayan Mata on IG
You know a Nigerian woman has blood money when she sells pussy flavouring package on IG. You will be surprised at the number of women who buy kayan mata packages and it’s not cheap. So, it’s basically semi-rich Nigerian women making another Nigerian woman very rich. It’s a cycle that sustains itself.
Stay woke.
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“A Week In The Life” is a weekly Zikoko series that explores the working-class struggles of Nigerians. It captures the very spirit of what it means to hustle in Nigeria and puts you in the shoes of the subject for a week.
Today’s subject is Maryam Usman, a Kayan Mata seller from the North. She talks about the challenges that come with her business and more importantly, the need for sex education amongst Northern women.
MONDAY:
I wake up around 4 am. I pray until it’s time for fajr. Then, I make breakfast for my children before going back to sleep. My househelp prepares the children for school so I don’t have to worry about that. By 8 am, I leave the house to drop the children in school, after which, I go for my own classes.
I am currently running a Master’s program in Pharmacognosy and Drug development at Ahmadu Bello University. It’s not like I am an unserious person, but school is not really my priority. I don’t even know why I am going to school. I remember last semester when I was about to write a test, and a client called me for a job of N500,000. That’s how I didn’t write the test again. For me, there are priorities and I have to chop life.
I have a 9-12 am class today. I am moody and sleepy throughout the class. By 11 am, I give the lecturer an excuse about my children. I pack my bags and leave for home.
The only reason I even went to the class is because I don’t have anything to do. Thankfully, my husband is not at home, so I don’t have to cook.
I settle down to read a Lindsay Lohan book in peace before the kids return from school.
TUESDAY:
I run multiple businesses. I sell Ankara, female wearables like bags and clothes. I also sell natural skincare products with a focus on traditional ones. In addition, I offer Gyran jiki services and this is the category thatkayan mata falls under.
Kayan Mata literally means “women properties.” The products are natural herbs in everyday use which help to boost various things. For example, there are different things that are considered as Kayan Mata. There are herbs that boost female wetness like watermelon. There are sweeteners like pineapple which helps with a nice aroma. Tiger nuts help to enhance libido. For infection, we use pure henna and cloves in measured quantities to steam the vagina. All these are called Kayan Mata.
Today, a client calls asking for the infection kit. This contains cloves, pure henna, and other ingredients which are a trade secret. I spend the whole day preparing, and properly labelling her package. I take my time because I don’t want to hear stories from anyone. I have a clear no refund policy except in the rare case that you are allergic to any of the ingredients. This is rare because I ask for a list of things people are allergic to before making anything. Also, people who return their orders intact within 24 hours are eligible for a refund.
After I finish her order, I go for a walk with my husband to clear my head. This helps me feel refreshed.
WEDNESDAY:
I am very angry today. My problem with people who purchase my products is that they are looking for jazz – sharp sharp. 70% of customers ask for jazz because no one is patient any more. Other sellers lie that their Kayan Mata products have jazz and sell to them, but I don’t. I tell them that these are herbs and they take time, but no one listens.
There is a product I offer known as tighteners. This is for people who want tighter vaginas. It is made up of incense and some other ingredients that help tighten from the outside. You mix these ingredients and use it for a sitz bath. You then drink some herbs along with it to tighten from within.
Sitz bath.
Three days ago, a client bought tighteners which are supposed to be used for seven days. However, she has been calling my phone. She’s probably calling to ask why she hasn’t seen any miracle.
Today, I wake up to over 20 missed calls from her and I am not even exaggerating. A day after delivering her order, she was now telling me that she’s a new mum and she has vaginal tears. And that she wasted her money and she wants a refund. I am annoyed that she didn’t tell me about being a new mum before I delivered because I would have given her a stronger dose. I am also annoyed that she thinks this is magic and the tightening should just occur immediately. I am not going to refund her because my terms were clear. She withheld information and was somehow expecting magic. Mschew.
I leave the house to get some air. In the compound, my two-year-old is playing in his water pool. He loves to play with water so he’s splashing around – He looks genuinely happy – So, I join him to splash around. Not long after, my husband joins us. By now, all of us are completely soaked and laughing.
This distracts me from the annoying customer for a while.
THURSDAY:
Some Arewa women come to me for Kayan Mata when what they need is sex education. Most of them act like kunu. For instance, many of them are not comfortable in their body; They don’t know what they like or don’t like. A lot of them lack sex education because their parents didn’t teach them.
Sometimes, I have to teach them sex education before giving them, Kayan Mata. I have a 19-year-old client with two kids who comes with her husband. After a series of questions, I realized that it’s not Kayan Mata she needs but proper sex education. She has no idea that sex is to be enjoyed even after two kids. She lacks the basic knowledge of sex so I have had to teach her what to do and what not to do – how to dress, how to walk, how to initiate sex. Having to teach an adult these things can be tedious.
Today, I am dealing with another client like that. She thinks a lot of things are haram. There was a day I went to her house and her husband came in, and she ran to wear a hijab. As in, to cover up for her own husband. If she can’t sit with her husband without a hijab, then bedroom affairs is zero. So, I have to teach her what to do.
She consulted me because she overheard her husband talking to another girl over the phone. I don’t blame the husband. If I was the husband, I would also talk to other women. Thankfully, we have made progress with the hijab issue. My biggest issue today is that she’s not listening to me. I am advicing her to initiate sex in the evening but she’s refusing. She says she’s not supposed to do it in the evening, that it’s only a nighttime routine. For her, sex has to be in the dark with the lights off.
What is happening? What is she doing? This is frustrating for me because they are newlyweds – The marriage is barely 6 months old.
I am tired, so I leave for home. With the kind of day I have had, I just want to sleep.
FRIDAY:
Fridays are my best days because I get to do my skincare routine. The first step is to wash my skin. For cleansing, I use Clean and Clear cleanser. I sometimes use the detoxifying one or the brightening one, it depends on my mood. Then, I exfoliate with my Essence by MKJ scrub. After exfoliating, I use Khalta powder as a mask. If I want to have the sunlight glow, I use Curcum.
I naturally don’t have spots on my face, but on the rare occasion that I do, like my period which causes hormonal imbalance, I use Spirulina on the dark spots.
Then I drink a lot of water and mind my business.
If I am doing only facials, it takes me 10 minutes. If it’s the whole body, it takes me 45 minutes.
Today, I do my skincare routine. I make sure I do it in the morning because it’s not good to do skincare routine when the sun is bright. This is because you might have sunburn as the sun tampers with the skin. You don’t want to expose yourself to the sun after refreshing your body.
After finishing my skincare routine, I spend the rest of my day making videos for my Youtube and IGTV channels.
SATURDAY:
I wake up tired today. It’s not easy juggling motherhood, business, and school together. Sometimes, I need a break. I normally just switch off my phone and travel to either Abuja or Kano when I need to rest.
While I am away, my business doesn’t suffer because I have managers and distributors. They make sure it’s business as usual. I drop my kids and house help with one of my sisters who lives nearby. It’s usually just my husband and I on a trip.
I remember my last trip to Abuja with my husband where something embarrassing happened.
Naturally, I am afraid of elevators and heights but I love wearing heels. On my last trip to Abuja, my husband “bullied” me into using the elevator. As I was entering, I missed a step and almost sprained my ankle, but I didn’t. From that day onward, I decided I had to learn how to use an elevator. After that incident, I stopped being scared of elevators. However, I am still scared of heights.
I spend the rest of the day daydreaming about my next trip. I look forward to making new memories to replace that embarrassing one.
SUNDAY:
Today, I am thinking about how to move my business forward. I have a long term plan for it, but some customers can be badly behaved. They want to ruin the brand that I am struggling to build. Some customers stress me because they don’t read simple instructions before using products.
There was a client that I gave some herbs for a sitz bath and she went ahead to drink it. I was so scared because she started to complain of serious stomach ache. At some point, I thought she was going to die. I was just so confused because I called her over the phone to please read the instructions before using the product. I am grateful that she survived.
I don’t know why these clients stress me. I am trying to build a brand that is a household name like Coca-cola; a brand that you feel safe using. I want a lot for my business. I want to be a global leader in what I do. I want to be known for the quality of my products. and I also want to be very very rich. I know school will not make me be rich the way I want to be and that’s why I am building this.
Some women come to meet me saying I should give them something that would make their husbands love them more. I tell them to assess the situation – is he a man that wants to be kept? Because no matter what you do, some men don’t want to be kept. So, don’t waste your time. If he wants to be kept, I am usually honest with them because I am trying to build a long term business.
I tell them that they don’t need Kayan Mata.
For a man that wants to be kept, I tell them to just kill him with kindness and prayers.
Fajr – The Fajr prayer is the first of the five daily prayers (salah) performed daily by practicing Muslims
Gyran Jiki – Traditional spa.
Act like kunu – To be sluggish or slow.
Haram – forbidden or proscribed by Islamic law.
Arewa – This is a Hausa language term for north, one of the cardinal directions. Its popular usage in contemporary Nigeria sometimes suggests a northern Nigerian.
Check back every Tuesday by 9 am for more “A Week In The Life Of” goodness, and if you would like to be featured or you know anyone who fits the profile, don’t hesitate to reach out.Reach out to me: hassan@bigcabal.com if you want to be featured on this series.
Sex Lifeis an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old woman who mentally and physically prepared for her first sexual experience with her husband by reading books and using aphrodisiacs like Kayan Mata.
When did you first become curious about sex?
Secondary school. I think SS 1 or SS 2. You know that stage of your life where you’re more conscious of your body and all? That stage where you’ll be doing mumu love with a classmate who equally doesn’t have sense? Yup, that was the stage. Thankfully we weren’t bold enough to have sex.
So, what did you guys do?
We’d hide in class during break to kiss. It didn’t last because a new girl joined our class and the foolish boy changed seat and stopped talking to me. I can’t even blame him because the girl was really pretty and had fully matured. Unlike me that was still wearing a bra top in SS 2.
And then after secondary school, just before uni, I went on to have one boyfriend that wasn’t my age — he was about 24. I was 16, forming ‘big girl’ as per ‘straight outta secondary school’. In my mind, adult don set.
Wow. That’s a huge age discrepancy.
I’m glad the dude was sensible enough to not take advantage of my naivety. He wasn’t with me to just sleep with me. There were countless times after all the kissing and smooching that we did that he could have decided to have sex with me and I won’t have declined.
Was there a particular reason you waited that long to explore?
I think the main reason was my mum. I wasn’t religious until I got into uni, so it wasn’t even religion that held me back. I remember that whenever I was kissing my mumu lover in secondary school and he wanted to touch my breast, I’d remove his hand. It felt like my mum had the perfect image of my breast and if anybody touched it, she’d know.
So what happened with the older guy?
We scattered after I gained admission. I think gaining admission was the best thing for me. It was in school that I became more conscious of my religion and started to behave accordingly. It wasn’t fear of my mum anymore, it was fear of my creator.
How did you get serious with religion?
The thing started as a joke. My roommates didn’t know I was Muslim. So one time, they were teasing me that all the Muslims they know go to mosque to pray but they’d never seen me pray, not to talk of going to the mosque.
I felt bad because at home you dare not miss prayers. But in school I was doing anyhow. My head just realigned and I started praying, going to the mosque and learning more about my religion. Then I started covering too. It actually started off as a fashion choice.
So how did taking your faith seriously affect your sex life?
This question is sweet. Taking my faith seriously made me see the good side of sex in the right institution. I consciously read some Islamic books about sex and I was just in awe. It actually made me more relaxed and patient, knowing that once I get married, for every round of sex, I’m getting a reward.
You know when you’re doing something that is a sin, there’s this uncomfortable feeling you’ll have, but when you’re doing something that you enjoy and you know you’re still going to get rewarded for it? The bliss.
That’s an interesting way to look at it. Did you date anyone else in university?
In my second year in uni, I dated one Muslim dude. I thought we were on the same page. Turns out we weren’t. He wanted us to have sex (on a regular basis) till we finished school and could get married.
Omo, I dusted my slippers and picked race because what if I die before I graduate? Hellfire because of penis? Mo ya japa. I just told myself, I’m not doing any dating rubbish with anybody. If we want to marry ourselves, let us know and marry. No need to be smelling what you cannot taste.
So you didn’t date anyone for the rest of uni?
Nah. I had toasters oh. But I didn’t agree for anyone because I knew I wasn’t ready for marriage then and we can’t be following ourselves without the temptation of kissing and making out — na from clap dance dey start. So most of them just ended up being platonic friends and the ones that didn’t want friendship bounced.
Didn’t you feel tempted?
How won’t one feel tempted? When it’s not like you don’t have blood running through your veins. You’ve not done it before, you don’t know how it feels, but somehow you’re human and you imagine and think about it and what it would feel like. Sometimes it’s hormones during periods that mess you up. Other times, it is one random fine brother that you’ll just see on the road and you’ll be feeling funny.
What did you do when you felt tempted?
I fasted. Whenever I’m fasting my spirituality is on another level. I want to do more nawafil, I want to read more pages of the Qur’an and all so it just beats down the energy of thinking about sex or feeling tempted to do anything.
When I can’t fast (when I’m on my period) I just talk to my friends, we gist and laugh about it. Or I listen to lectures. Some people say the fear of hellfire is not good enough, but for me, I fear hellfire more than anything. The thought of it kept me going. And that’s how I didn’t have sex until I got married — six days after my wedding, actually.
Why did it take six days? I’d imagine you’d want to do it immediately.
Haha. I was seeing my period on my wedding day. But I was lowkey happy because I didn’t just want us to jump into the act so fast. Like one minute we could barely look into each other’s eyes and the next minute we’re already removing pant. So my period kinda gave us enough window to just chill and play first before the main show. But I was prepared! I’d read well enough and prepared my body; I was ready to explore and enjoy.
You know that feeling when you’ve been holding something in for so looooong and you can finally let go?
Ah! Yes.
That was it.
What specific things did you do to prepare?
I changed my diet three months to the wedding. I ate a lot of libido boosting foods during the time. Then like a week to the wedding, I started eating goron tula. I bought different Kayan Mata stuff.
Didn’t you care that people portray these things as being evil?
Nope, because they’re not evil. Kayan Mata literally means ‘load of a woman’. Yes, some vendors are fetish and do bad stuff with Kayan Mata. But Kayan Mata isn’t meant to make your man love you more. Kayan Mata is not meant to make your man give you more money. Kayan Mata is also not meant to make your man stick to only you. Kayan Mata is meant to make you more pleasurable. They are herbs, spices, perfumes oils, creams and all that make it easy for you to enjoy sex while also pleasing your husband.
One of the things I used was a steaming stool. It is as the name implies: a stool you sit on while steaming your vagina. You can either steam with water or smoke. There’s a steaming incense you burn. The smoke from the incense helps remove unpleasant odors and reduce discharge. The spices and herbs inside the incense also helps to strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and make it firm and tight. Then there’s this Tsimi drink that sets you in the mood and makes you horny. Then there’s ayu oil that is like a lubricant. It makes the sex more greasy and longlasting.
Basically, depending on your need and what you want from your sexual experience, there are different Kayan Mata products you can opt for.
Were you eating any specific kind of meals?
No. There were some ingredients I included in my diet, like ginger and garlic. I reduced sugar to the barest minimum and switched to honey. Then I ate a lot of pineapples, watermelon, cucumber, banana, tigernut and dates.
Did this help?
You know, I really can’t say if it helped or not because I hadn’t been sexually active prior to all that so I might not know if there was a difference in using those things. But if I’m to go by all the things I’d read about first time sex, or not enjoying sex for the first few months after marriage and all… then I can’t relate.
That means the first experience was lit?
Yup. I wanted intimacy to be more than sex. We both had to enjoy the act so I’d prepared my mind to make it as beautiful as possible and trust me, it was awesome! I can remember after the first time we had sex, I was just smiling like a fool and he kept asking me why I was smiling. I couldn’t even properly put the feeling into words but I know I was genuinely happy
That’s so beautiful
There’s this book I’d read. ‘5 Sex Needs Of Men And Women’ That book opened my eyes to a lot of things, beyond the physical aspects of intimacy, I knew what my husband’s needs were and I communicated mine to him as well. After all the rough play I went and fell inside pregnancy.
LMAO. Ah.
But on a serious note, I think pregnancy just gave me a wider playing ground. As opposed to other stories I’ve heard of pregnancy affecting the sex lives of women, mine is the opposite. Before I got pregnant, sex was like four times a week. And then the long period breaks. But with this pregnancy… with no period or any bastard cramps… Omo! If we have sex only six times a week it’s because I’m being kind enough to pity the man. Otherwise it’s all seven days in the week straight!
I won’t even lie. I like and enjoy sex a lot. A whole lot. And I’m just glad I have a husband that is equally up to it. He makes my happiness his core and that is what I feel every man should do because, naturally it is easy for them to hump in three minutes, arrive in one second and be satisfied. But for women it’s not that fast.
An actual mood. People think that because you’re religious you shouldn’t enjoy sex.
Big lie! Infact apart from anal, which is explicitly haram. You and your spouse can try all the styles in the world! So why shouldn’t you enjoy it? Abegi.
Now that you’re married and pregnant, how often do you use aphrodisiacs?
Apart from my regular honey, pineapple, watermelon, cucumber, banana, tigernut, dates, I only take goron tula or any other one when I feel like it. It could be once in a month sef.
The thing is once you’ve successfully gotten used to eating all these things that are natural libido boosters, your body is already adjusted and whether or not you take aphrodisiacs, you’re always set for action. But there are some other things I just naturally follow. For example, I don’t walk barefooted in the house because I believe there’s a connection between the vagina and the feet. I always use warm water to wash up because using cold water to wash up kills your sex drive gradually.
With the way I’m wired now, aphrodisiacs or not, sex for me is always a hit back to back.
How did you even discover aphrodisiacs in the first place?
This internet o. And then there’s this group I’m on where they talk about everything from searching for a life partner, to child bearing and all. So we learn a lot.
Do you think your sex life would have been different if you didn’t discover aphrodisiacs?
I don’t think so. It’ll still be the same. I’ll still like sex very very well. From the time I decided to keep myself from having sex till marriage, I’d consciously told myself that I wanted to enjoy having sex as much as I enjoy eating food.
So I think I was psychologically prepared to just do whatever to have fun while at it. Even if there’s nothing to boost your sex drive, I believe with the right emotions, a spouse you find attractive, and an open mind, you can actually have a fulfilling sex life without aphrodisiacs. Aphrodisiacs would just be like the frosting on the cake for you. Some cakes taste even better without frosting.
Haha. Now that’s the quote of the year. Do you think your sex life will change after having your baby?
Nope. I don’t think so. Maybe frequency would reduce because there might not be so much time, but ain’t no baby stopping my shine in the bedroom. In fact, I’ve stocked up on enough condoms just in case we’re scared of falling pregnant again when the baby is barely a month old.
I’ve heard a lot of people say ‘sex would be the last thing on your mind when you have a child’. ‘You’ll be overwhelmed with caring for your baby.’ ‘You won’t enjoy it because you’ll be thinking of your baby,’ etc. But I’ve already started telling myself otherwise. Yes, caring for your child can be overwhelming but I won’t neglect myself. It is so easy to totally forget about yourself when you have a child because your whole world revolves around that child but I’m not going to neglect myself in my instinct to meet my baby’s needs. Self-sacrifice is a beautiful and noble thing but all things are best in moderation. Neglecting myself would not be good for me or for my baby. So as long as I need to eat well to be able to breastfeed, I also need to have sex to relax my nerves so that I can be a better mum
Sissss. You’re preaching. Last question – how would you rate your sex life?
10/10. Even though marriage has its ups and downs — there are some things that we disagree on sometimes — but that sex part of marriage? We’re super hyped! I pray that several years from now with more children and more responsibilities, we’d be happier than we are now with our sex life.
