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Resignations and layoffs aren’t strange terms in the world of capitalism, and while the latter usually comes as a surprise, it’s not often immediate. There are often a few days or weeks to tie up loose ends — the notice period, AKA that “hanging around” period when you’re not actually working but still “working”.
We asked some 9-5ers who’ve been in this situation to share what they did — or didn’t do — during this period. Think of it as a guide.
“Just go on leave” — Wilson*, 27
I went on my annual two-week leave and then sent in my one-month resignation notice on the first day of leave. That way, I used half of the notice period to rest before returning to discuss the handover. I thought my bosses would try to cut the leave short, but they didn’t. Everything went smoothly. I advise people to do the same, especially if they’re leaving to join another job. So, they can catch a little break before jumping into the 9-5 life again.
“Steal everything” — Esther, 23
I was fired from a social media management job because I couldn’t grow the Instagram followers from 3k to 15k in two months. To make it worse, they kept me for two weeks extra to help hire my replacement. I stayed because I wanted to get my full salary, but I stole all the office milo and milk sachets. At least, I was drinking tea for two weeks for free and no one noticed, or maybe they didn’t care.
“Stop pretending to work” — Tayo, 29
My previous workplace was quite toxic and competitive. Even if you managed to finish your tasks early, you still had to make a show of being busy by announcing what you were doing so you wouldn’t look unproductive or be told you aren’t “thinking outside the box” to look for more things to solve. I used to form busy a lot by being all over Slack.
But when they laid me off and gave me a two-week heads-up, I just stopped faking it. I did my tasks quietly within a few hours and slept for the rest of the workday. No more announcing on Slack or volunteering to do things outside my duties. I was laid off with a few other people, and those two weeks were the quietest our Slack channel ever was. Work still went on fine. I guess we all just threw busy body-ism out of the window because we knew there was no point again.
“Tell your employers your mind” — Kay, 31
When I turned in my resignation, my boss scheduled an exit interview, and I used the opportunity to tell them my mind about everything I thought they weren’t doing well. It’s not like I was fighting with them. I just finally had the freedom to talk, knowing they couldn’t use it against me or become passive-aggressive. Plus, it was up to them to take my feedback or not. It no longer affected me.
“Remove personal items” — Mariam, 22
Don’t be like me who forgot to sign out of WhatsApp on my company laptop only to find out weeks later that my account was still linked there. I cringe every time I remember how much I shit-talked my boss on a group chat with my friends or even my personal chats with my boyfriend. Jesus.
“Show them what they’ll miss” — Detola, 28
Anytime I resign from a place, I make sure to do my best work during the notice period. Most of it is due to excitement that my days there are numbered. A part of it is also to show them what they’ll miss. Like a corporate version of “You’ll never find another woman like me”. It’s petty, I know, but I absolutely love it.
“Look for another job” — Ben*, 25
I was once laid off with a one-month notice, and I used the entire period to job hunt. I’d literally be in a team meeting with my phone, and on a job interview with my laptop. I was still working o, but my priority was securing my future. I also took many sick days to prepare for interviews. The game is the game. If you like, feel guilty. Everybody will move on.
There’s a thin line between motivating your employees to do the work and casually giving modern slave owner vibes. On behalf of employees everywhere, we don’t subscribe to the latter, so unless you want us to leave so you can do the work yourself, avoid saying these things to your employees.
“We take pride in our work, rather than compensation”
Newsflash, most people don’t dream of spending all their waking hours slaving at the feet of capitalism. People work because they expect to be compensated for their efforts. We already know we can work, show us the money, please.
“We have to do more with less”
In other words, “You will be overworked”. Granted, it makes sense to do what we can with scarce resources. It shouldn’t be the norm, though. At the end of the day, employees are still humans. You can’t give one person three people’s jobs or inadequate work tools and expect them to be productive or do “more with less”. Let’s all be reasonable.
“We’ll hire slow and fire fast”
So, you’re creating a culture of fear and job insecurity? That’s our cue to start job hunting.
“We’ll do more in-person meetings”
Meetings were already unnecessarily time-consuming. You now want to add the commuting stress to it? Is the price of fuel a joke to you?
“You’ll be stretched to your limits”
Doing hard work is fine, but that sentence is incomplete without adding “but you’ll be compensated accordingly.” What do you think this is? Hellfire?
“You must give 100% at all times”
But the take-home salary you’re giving me isn’t taking me home, and I need a side gig to afford food. Be for real.
The increased fuel and food prices — with electricity costs and exchange rate following bumper to bumper — means the average Nigerian thinks about running away at least once a day.
To japa or not to japa?
But since japa money doesn’t exactly grow on trees, you can do the next best thing: Get a job that’ll sponsor your japa. Let’s teach you how.
Resign from your current job
How can you look for a job that’ll change your status when you’re still limited to your Nigerian job? Free yourself, so you can move forward.
Get creative on LinkedIn
You’ll need to highlight skills you may not have if you want abroad recruiters to notice you. Now’s the time to put your lying skills to good use. The idea is to become irresistible.
Manifest it
Write your desired country down somewhere you’ll see it every day. You can even make it your laptop wallpaper. Even if your boss and coworkers see it, they can’t blame you. Who no like better thing?
Tell your Nigerian parents
Just tell them you’re hoping for a job that’ll relocate you, and let them do the rest. They’ll carry your name to the mountain and pray until you get it. Side effects include forcefully tagging you along to these prayer sessions.
Start small
If you deep it, Cotonou is also “abroad”. So, start by getting a job in Cotonou or Togo. Are they foreign countries or not?
Get a job with a witch
You may not get any sleep at night, but at least, you’ll fly from country to country. A win is a win.
Become a full-time sugar baby
An opportunity to catch flights and not have to bow to capitalism anymore? Sounds like a plan. Sure, you might meet the one that’ll want to use you for rituals or the one whose wife will beat you like a thief, but that’s small occupational hazard.
Whether you feel prepared or not, job interviews can be unpredictable. There are many opinions about interview dos and don’ts, but who really ever prepares for questions like, “If you were an animal, which would you be?” Yes, recruiters have been known to ask such unusual questions during interviews.
So, what do you do when you’re unsure of the right answer or don’t even know what to say? You finesse it, and here’s how you do that, according to Wande*, a recruiter in Lagos.
Project confidence, even if you don’t feel it
Look the recruiter in the eye, and don’t let any anxiety show. They can’t beat you. Build confidence — and let it show in your voice — even before the interview starts. It will save you from feeling like you’ve hit a block the moment you’re asked an unexpected question. From personal experience, I always conclude that confident people know what they’re saying until they say something that proves otherwise.
Reword and repeat the question
You’ve been asked something, you don’t know the answer, so you need to buy time. Imagine you’re asked, “How many apples fall from the tree yearly?” You can respond with something like, “That’s an interesting question. So that I understand exactly what you’re asking, do you mean both red and green apples?” More often than not, the recruiter will explain the question again with more detail which means more time for you to find an answer.
Remember the question’s purpose
Whether they’re asking you what animal you’d like to be or what superpower you’d like, the general purpose of any interview question is to confirm you fit the role requirements. You can’t be interviewing for a job that involves handling money, and you say the animal you’d like to be is a snake — an animal known to be sneaky and dishonest. As how?
Admit you don’t know, but don’t leave it at that
It’s alright to admit you don’t know the answer to a question because the worst thing you can do is lie. But instead of saying, “I don’t know”, try something like, “I’m so glad you asked this. I’ve always wanted to know more about XYZ, which is why I’ve tried looking up [insert any vaguely similar concept]”. This presents you as someone who isn’t scared of not knowing but is also in tune with their professional growth.
You can also redirect the topic to a similar professional situation where you weren’t sure of the right approach to take, but you were able to identify the best resources needed to get the job done. The idea is to show you’re a collaborator who knows how to work through challenges. No one knows everything, and unless the recruiter is a bad belle, they know it too.
For the love of God, don’t ramble
Keep your answers brief and to the point. Rambling will show your nerves, and remember you’re acting like you know what you’re doing. Recruiters don’t want to hear long stories. Not with about 3,000 more interviews in one workday. No one is paid enough for that.
Redirect attention to your qualifications
In cases where you have absolutely no idea, admit it but don’t just go, “I have no idea.” Instead, go, “I’m not very familiar with this concept, but I’m up to date with XYZ, and I think it also ties into ABC”.
Remember, the recruiter is often under pressure too
Don’t think you’re the only one on the hot seat. The recruiter is also under pressure to deliver. Unless they’re your village people personified, they want to hire the best for the role and get it over with.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
They already count more than enough money every day. Why would they ever need more?
Politicians – ₦33k
If they really want to be public servants, they should lead by example and collect a minimum wage. It’s the least they can do.
Barbers – ₦1 million
They can literally mess up your look for the next month. You definitely don’t want to mess with their pay.
Policemen – ₦500k
Let’s pay them well enough that it won’t even occur to them to stress us whenever we meet them on the road.
Teachers – ₦500k
Do you really want to underpay the people responsible for ensuring your child’s future is bright? Do you want to pay for a low-current future?
Doctors – Whatever they ask for
We don’t even have enough of them, so we can’t afford to play hard-to-get with the people japa-ing every other Tuesday.
Lagos babes – Everything and more
Like it or not, being a Lagos babe is a full-time profession. Serving looks not only requires talent, but lots of money too. That’s why they deserve everything.
For this “A Day in the Life”, we’re chronicling what it means to hustle in Nigeria as someone who’s still trying to find a hustle. Daniel rants about his experiences and tells us why “unemployed” isn’t the right adjective for him.
6:00 a.m.
I woke up early today, as usual. No, I’m not a “go-getter” who wakes up on Monday mornings to watch motivational videos and start grinding. I’ve just realised it’s easier if my mum doesn’t wake up before me. Who wants to start their day with lectures of, “How are you going to find a job if you’re always sleeping?” In this house, we avoid wahala.
The first thing I do is check my emails. I must have applied to at least 15 jobs in the past week, and it’s still radio silence. I’ve been actively job-seeking since I got laid off seven months ago, and a lot has changed. Before, I wouldn’t apply to jobs that didn’t state the salary in the job description, but now, let’s just say I’ve learned. But what’s with recruiters and not stating the salary? What does “competitive salary” even mean?
They need to know that the salary is no longer competing with anything. Do they know how much data and transportation alone cost these days? Ask Twitter people, and they’ll tell you that ₦400k doesn’t do anything in the streets anymore. Is it until I apply for a job and go through one million interviews that I’ll know the budget for the role is ₦80k? You people should pity somebody.
12:00 p.m.
I think there should be a level between employed and unemployed. I fall under the unemployed, but it feels like I’ve never worked so hard in my life. Job-searching is a full-time job. I just finished updating my CV and cover letter for the umpteenth time, and I’m wondering who had the bright idea to invent cover letters in the first place.
It’s always, “Update your CV” or “Don’t use the same CV and cover letter to apply to every job so it’s tailored to the role”. Do I want to use my whole life to write CVs? Don’t I have other things I’m thinking about?
If it’s not about updating it, it’s about how different people have what they think a good CV should look like. One said I should add a link to my LinkedIn profile. Another one said adding links in CVs isn’t good. One will say I should add my gender, and another one will say it’s not necessary. I think we all need to come together and just create a Nigerian CV constitution because it’s not me you people will confuse.
4:00 p.m.
I just found an interview invite in my email, and I don’t know whether to be happy or not because I don’t even remember applying there. First, it’s in Ikeja, and we know what that could mean. It’s one of three options: It’s legit, it’s a scam, or they want to relieve me of my body parts. The other two seem more likely. But at this rate, I’ll most likely go. One thing must kill a man.
8:00 p.m.
Can we talk about crazy job expectations? Because I just saw one that’s doing my head in. How can you say you’re looking for a virtual assistant but require advanced software administration skills?
Another one I saw even asked applicants to write a 500-word letter. As per school essay?
One day, we’ll find these companies and recruiters and show them just half the shege they’ve shown us. But till then, we keep looking. This money must be made.
Who is an idan? A streetwise person who hustles hard and plays harder. An idan answers to no one.
But how can you be your true idan self at work when bosses and colleagues expect you to bow to capitalism? That’s where we come in. Think of it as an idan code, but for the workplace.
An idan never does office politics
Who has the time to engage in eye service? Definitely not an idan. They move in silence and still get shit done. You’ll never catch an idan sending emails at 4 a.m. or picking calls after work hours. For an idan, 9-5 is 9-5.
Deadline fears idan, not the other way around
If the deadline can’t shift to accommodate an idan, that’s the deadline’s cup of tea. Punching above their weight? The only punching an idan does is on the buttons of an ATM or the occasional bus conductor who wants to see crazy.
Extra work? An idan will never be there
The only extra an idan subscribes to is extra salary. They don’t even understand the meaning of unpaid overtime. The idan even chooses to accept paid overtime if they feel like it.
An idan never makes their business known
The idan might have a whole ass family and grandchildren, but coworkers will never know. The only glimpse into their personal life you’ll ever know is their surname.
But the idan doesn’t hide their side hustle
Just so you know they have a choice. They aren’t tied to capitalism, so if you people do anyhow, you can hold your job.
You want to call an idan to an impromptu meeting? Or you have the bright idea to call them on Slack or Teams without prior notice? It’s like you’ll do the meeting with yourself.
An idan is never fired, they resign
Send an idan a termination letter, and they’ll reply with a letter of resignation.
Passive aggression? Not the idan way
The idan doesn’t need to hide their mouth. They’ll say what they want with their full chest and leave you to do your worst.
An idan selects the work they’ll do
The correct way to address an idan is, “Do you think you can work on this project?” and not, “I want you to work on this project.” Let’s be guided.
For this “A Day in the Life”, we’re chronicling what it means to hustle in Nigeria as Capitalism. Everyone loves to hate Capitalism, but according to him, he’s just misunderstood. Here’s a day in Capitalism’s life.
4:00 a.m.
I overslept today. I typically wake up by 3.40 a.m. so I can check up on my people in Lagos. Everyone claims that the people in Lagos are mad, mostly because of their roads and how they hardly sleep at home, but they’re my good friends. They really buy into my vision of working tirelessly to keep a few people stupidly rich. My enemies say they’re doing it because they’re avoiding my distant cousin, Sapa, but what’s not to love about how I run things?
If everyone had money, wouldn’t I go against the Holy Book that said, “There will always be the poor among us”? Wouldn’t I contribute to millions of beggars losing their job in this country?
I don’t want to think about things that’ll annoy me this morning, so I send dreams of poverty to 9-5ers, in case they think about ignoring their alarms.
12:00 p.m.
It’s just noon, and I’ve already done five presentations on “No matter how hard you work, you still won’t blow”. I don’t get why people just love to hate on me. All I do is burst my metaphorical ass every day to keep the wheels of society going. And what’s the thanks I get? Multiple jokes and complaints about me. This life is really not balanced.
4:00 p.m.
I just know some people will try to close early today — like they try to every day — so I have to put employers on alert. One “Can we have a quick chat?” here and one email there, and that should squash any early closure dream.
But why do people these days just love to be lazy? Before, we had people who took pride in spending all day at work and never taking leave so they could spend more time with me. But now, especially with this new breed of Gen Z, no one even gives a damn anymore. That’s how one told me last week that she won’t talk to me again because of her “mental health”. What’s that?
11:00 p.m.
It’s been a long day, and I briefly consider retirement, but I immediately send that evil thought back into the pit of socialism. Rest is for the dead, and my job is too important. I’m even considering changing my name to “No breaks”. Capitalism sounds old, and everyone has already attached it to something terrible.
But can I be honest? I low-key like that most people are scared of me. Atleast if I’m not loved, I know I’m respected. They know they can’t just ghost me if they want to keep being able to afford to spend all day on TikTok. Even if they ghost me for weeks or months, they always return.
I fall asleep, assured that I’ll always be the main character. I’ll always win. And as those spoiled Gen Z say it, that’s on period.
Every week, Zikoko will share the hustle stories of Nigerians making it big in and out of the country. With each story, we’ll ask one crucial question in several ways: “How you do am?”
Deola Durodola’s hustle story gave us insight into a career path many don’t immediately consider: development in the non-profit sector.
What does a development specialist do? This Hustleprint guide explains it.
As the name implies, a development specialist is someone whose major objective is to ensure “development” for their organisation by securing funding, sponsorships, and generally increasing the brand’s awareness.
They do this by constantly seeking ways to push the business or organisation to profitability. If they work for a non-profit, their work is to generate funding by developing fundraising plans and actively seeking new partners, as well as maintaining donor relationships.
What do they do?
From the job role, it’s clear what they do. In simple terms, they actively chase money.
And by chase money, we mean they pursue every avenue to ensure the organisation reaches its revenue and development goals. A development specialist works with the internal team and various business partners to advance the objectives of the company they work with — from organising events, and identifying business/funding opportunities to managing donors and partners.
What kind of skills does a development specialist need?
An important skill needed for this career path is proactivity. A successful development specialist has to be a proactive, self-motivated individual who isn’t afraid to actively pursue and foster relationships with current and potential business partners.
A bit of strong head is necessary.
They’ll also need to be skilled in managing people and several projects at once effectively. Knowing how to talk a good game is also a plus. Remember, a major part of their job is to get people to open their wallets.
Where can they work?
Development specialists can work in the regular business and the non-profit sectors (including non-governmental organisations “NGOs”).
You may have heard of “Business Development Officers”. Those are also development specialists, and while they usually focus on sales and marketing, they’re ultimately responsible for identifying opportunities for business growth and development. The main focus is also bringing money in.
This also goes for development specialists in the non-profit sector. They might not be pursuing business profitability, but they also have to bring in money and opportunities through fundraising, training and donor management.
There’s no specific course of study required for this career path. While a degree in business administration, social work and related marketing or public health degrees are nice to have (especially in the non-profit sector), most organisations want to make sure their development specialist can promote the brand image and leverage their network (and build new ones) to achieve the stated goals.
Like Deola, many development specialists in the non-profit sector start by volunteering with NGOs to get the required experience for subsequent roles. There are also opportunities to take up entry-level development officer roles.
How much money do they make?
Depending on the organisation and level of experience, a development specialist can make around ₦150,000 to ₦350,000 per month. Entry-level interns and volunteers may not make as much when they start, but consistency will give you a higher tendency to be retained as a full staff.
Is there a market for this career in Nigeria?
In a word, yes. Whether you choose to work in the non-profit sector or not, businesses will always seek ways to improve their brand awareness, network and revenue, so there will always be a need for development specialists. This is one job that might just be safe from Artificial Intelligence (AI).
If you belong to the sapa-inflicted group of Nigerians like most of us do — 63% of Nigerians, to be exact — you’ve probably never had to ask yourself, “How much should I pay my maid or driver?” Because you immediately know you’re unable to afford such services.
There have been many debates on the TL about how much is okay to pay blue-collar workers. But Nigerian Twitter can claim one thing, while reality says another. So I spoke to seven workers, and they shared what they really earn, as well as how much their earnings have grown over the years.
“My take-home salary doesn’t take me home”
— Sunday, 46, Personal driver
I’ve been a driver for about ten years. I turned to this career path when teaching at private schools stopped making sense. Imagine teaching a class on every subject, with the stress of forming lesson notes and exam questions, only to get ₦7,500 at the end of the month.
The father of one of my students complained about driving alone from Ekiti to Lagos every two weeks because of his job, and as a sharp man, I claimed I could do it, even though I’d never driven interstate. That’s how I got my first driving job in 2013. It was a three-day journey every two weeks. I had to wait with him in Lagos until he returned to Ekiti, and he paid me ₦10k a month. I did that for about three years before he finally moved to Lagos, and I got my current job driving a polytechnic staff member in 2017. I drive him around from 9 a.m. to 6 or 7 p.m. daily before going to my house. He paid me ₦15k at first. But in 2021, my wife gave birth to our third child, so I complained about money, and he increased it to ₦18k.
The take-home salary doesn’t take me home at all. Most times, I’m in debt before I receive it. But my oga’s wife helps by giving me foodstuff and gifts for my children sometimes. I always say she’s the reason I’m still working here. I don’t know if I’ll ever retire or what I’d be doing if I’m not driving. Maybe I’d pay more attention to my farm, but many people farm in Ekiti. How much would I gain?
“I don’t know how much my salary is”
— Toyin, 21, Live-in nanny and maid
I work as a live-in nanny and housemaid for a couple with three children. I’ve been with them since they had their first child. I was 13 then, and had just finished JSS 2.
My dad was in prison for allegedly selling stolen generators, and my mum was really sick, so our family friend advised her to send one of her five children (which turned out to be me) to work. I came to Osogbo and started caring for my bosses’ child and the house. They used to send my salary home to my parents. But when I turned 16, they put me in a part-time adult school so I could do GCE and said my salary would pay for it. I passed my GCE in 2021, but I’m still trying to gain admission for a national diploma. I hardly have time to read because of my responsibilities, but I’m glad my bosses want me to get educated, so I have hope for a better future.
I wash clothes for a living. I’ve been doing this for about six years, and I get most of my jobs through referrals. My typical clients are female staff of the schools in my area, who hardly have time to wash their own clothes.
I do the bulk of my work during the weekend when they’re around. When I first started, I charged around ₦1k for two or three large heaps of clothes, but now, I charge ₦3k – ₦5k. In a good month, I wash for at least one person every weekend. They provide soap and water, and I just wash. It’s a good arrangement because I can use the rest of the week for my other hustle, which is selling cooked food.
My major challenge with the laundry business is my clients always owe me. Sometimes, they’ll hold payment for three sets of washing and only pay at the end of the month. Some can even complain that the clothes aren’t clean just so they can reduce my money. And people are now buying washing machines. I’m not sure how long I’ll continue this job.
“I can’t charge more than ₦80k for a full-day wedding coverage”
— Chidi, 27, Photographer
I started photography as a hobby in 2012. I learnt it through my church’s skill acquisition program. They even gifted me a camera for being the best student. But when I lost my job during the pandemic, my brother suggested I make money from it.
So, I started taking passport photographs. I lived close to a polytechnic, so the students were my customers. I charged ₦300 for four passports and made like ₦5k a day. In 2021, I converted a small shop in front of my dad’s house into a mini studio and started offering photoshoots too.
Now, my main clientele are wedding couples, but omo, they can be so annoying. It’s difficult to charge more than ₦80k for a full-day coverage because I’m in Akure, and these people are cheap. After all the stress, they’ll still want you to send their pictures immediately after the wedding. Like it’s that easy.
“You have to fight to get paid a living wage”
— Mrs. Akinyemi, 39, Cleaner
I started cleaning homes and offices around 2018. My husband had just lost his job, and I had to support the home. I’ve seen things o. Apart from the fact that many people live like pigs, you have to fight to get paid a living wage.
The first gig I got was a monthly payment of ₦10k for cleaning the office thrice a week. They always struggled to provide the necessary cleaning supplies like mops. I’d use a rag and be on all fours just to clean the floor. Then the money hardly went anywhere. Once I received salary, I’d go to the market to buy garri and rice, and that’s what we’d survive on till the next month.
Now, I have two consistent cleaning jobs that pay me ₦20k and ₦35k. For both jobs, I clean three times a week. My finances are somewhat stable. Even though my husband has a job now, we have kids at the university, so I have to keep at it.
“I feel cheated”
— Nifemi, 21, Printing assistant
I’ve been trying to get admission into the university since 2022, but between JAMB jamming me and the countless ASUU strikes, I decided to take up a printing assistant job at one of the cafe’s near me. It’s my first job.
My boss pays me ₦5k every month, and he said it was that low because students weren’t in school, and business was low. The strike was called off in October 2022, and business really picked up. Sometimes, he’d make ₦15k a day, yet he doesn’t want to increase my money. I feel cheated, but I can’t just sit at home without work or school.
I’ve been making hair for more than a decade, and while I love being independent, it doesn’t really pay my bills. After getting my freedom from a three-year apprenticeship, I started my business and charged around ₦1k for braids with attachment.
It’s funny because ten years later, I’ve only increased it to ₦5k, but people still price it down. Sometimes, I make only ₦8k per week. Maybe it’s because I’m in Ado-Ekiti, but the money isn’t worth it. My neighbours don’t even like paying. They claim I shouldn’t collect money from “ara ile”. And I spend my income on medication for back pain all the time because I stand all day. I don’t have any other handiwork, so if I stop making hair, I don’t know what I’ll do.
Some responses have been translated from Yoruba to English and slightly edited for clarity.
Most interview questions are unnecessary, but this five-year-plan question is the worst of all. How do you even answer it? Do you lie and say you’d still be in their company while you scream “God forbid” in your mind? Do you say you don’t know?
Worry no more. We’ve got the perfect answers to this question.
“I live in the moment”
They’ll know you don’t bother yourself about things you can’t predict. You focus on solving problems here and now; isn’t that what employers want?
“Only God knows the future”
But honestly, how do they expect you to know? Just tell them you don’t know because you’re not God. Believe me, that’s a plus for honesty.
“Do you people want to fire me before then?”
They should already know you’ll likely still be in their company in five years, unless they already have plans to sack you.
“Five years older”
That’s the obvious answer, but they won’t expect anyone to say this, so you’ll get points for thinking outside the box.
“In a senior position earning a higher salary”
The best thing about this answer is, you aren’t promising to sit down in their company. If they offer you a higher salary, great. If not, you find your level.
“In your seat”
Old-fashioned, but might still work for some Nigerian bosses. It’ll show you’re really ambitious and goal-oriented — words recruiters just love to hear. There’s a small chance they’ll get pissed, but what’s life without a little risk?
“In [insert foreign country]”
So they don’t get blindsided when you eventually japa to the country of your dreams. If they act surprised, ask them, “Be honest. Don’t you also want to japa?” They’ll stop talking and quietly offer you the job.
“Alive and well”
Because living in Nigeria is an extreme sport, still having air in your lungs in five years is a legit accomplishment. Every employer would relate to this.
Adulting is a proper scam that comes with daily struggles. If it’s not waking up to the reality of just how expensive curtains are, it’s realising you need work experience to get jobs, but you also need jobs to get work experience.
So, how does the inexperienced job seeker battle unemployment and sapa? I spoke to seven people who landed jobs they weren’t qualified for. For some, it was by luck and preparation. For others, well, it involved wuruwuru to the answer.
“Omo, it was God”
— Mide*, 25, Software engineer
After NYSC, I wanted to get into tech, but I didn’t think I was skilled enough to get an entry-level role because of the steep learning curve in the software technology space.
Before passing out of NYSC, I’d reached out to a friend who got an intermediate engineering role in a healthcare technology company. By industry standards, the role requires two solid years of experience (not training experience o). So I tried to get a referral from him for an internship to gain skills and experience while learning from seasoned engineers. The internship didn’t work out, but surprisingly, my friend suggested I give the intermediate role a shot, which I did.
I was scheduled for two rounds of interviews with about two weeks to prepare in a programming language I barely worked with. Although I had taken courses on it as an undergraduate, I’d rate myself a beginner. Yet there I was, prepping for a more advanced role to work in the language. I had help from experienced friends pointing me to needed resources, so I doubled down on studying and watching tutorial videos up until a day before the interviews.
I passed the interviews as I was blessed to get the questions I’d prepared for. Omo, it could only be God. Two days later, I was offered the role. Na so I take resume remotely for US company o. The gross salary and benefits were mind-blowing. God really blessed me, and I’m grateful because I knew I was not up to par for the role. I spent two and a half years there, got promoted and led million-dollar software projects. My experience there really kickstarted my career in software engineering.
“I knew next to nothing”
— Dara*, 24, Talent management associate
My current role is my very first job, and honestly, when I applied, I knew next to nothing. I’d just finished NYSC in 2021, and it’s not like I wasn’t looking, but nothing good was coming. Even internship roles required experience, and I had absolutely nothing except for the teaching I did during NYSC.
So I took free soft skills training online and whatever employability course I could find. Then one of the classes’ Telegram groups would post job vacancies. That’s where I saw the advertisement for my current job. They asked for two years’ experience, so I begged my friend, who writes CVs as a side gig, to write one for me. I don’t know how she did it, but she manufactured three years of experience for me and even changed my NYSC teacher role to Human Resources. She padded my CV with so many skills that even I was feeling myself. I applied, and in one week, they reached out to me to set up an interview. Luckily, I know how to talk a good game, so I completely wowed the interviewers. I got my job offer the next day.
I’m smart, so I’ve learnt on the job. Now, I try to influence the company to hire people who don’t necessarily have the required experience. If they can prove themselves during the interview, what do they need experience for?
For my first video editing gig, I outsourced 70% of my duties, and I don’t think the clients noticed.
Here’s what happened. I was still learning the ropes when a relative told me their company was hiring a video editor. I didn’t meet most of the requirements and had practically no experience, but I didn’t want to lose the opportunity. With my relative’s help, I didn’t have to submit a portfolio, they just put in a good word for me, and I moved straight to the interview assessment.
I was given a small editing task, so I outsourced it to a professional for a price. I got the job, and since it was remote, it was easy for me to just outsource the difficult tasks (which was most of the work, TBH) to other people. The people I paid knew it was for my job, but they didn’t care. But I used my free time to ramp up my skills, and about a year in, I started doing most of the work myself.
“I didn’t even apply”
— Tony*, 22, Graphic designer
I’m a pharmacy student, but I just have a thing for graphic design, which I taught myself with no formal training whatsoever. I recently got my first job as a graphic designer for a not-too-bad media company. And the funny thing is, I didn’t even apply. I tend to post my designs on LinkedIn — in fact, that’s all I’ve done there since I joined in 2020. Fast forward to November 2022, a recruiter reached out to me and offered me the job. I thought it was a scam till I got to their office and got an employment letter. I didn’t even have a professional portfolio.
I’m a trained community health worker, but I really don’t like the field. I just studied for it because I couldn’t get my desired course in university. I got introduced to social media management when I graduated in 2018. My aunty asked me to help with posting the items she sold on Facebook because, according to her, I knew how to write convincingly. I did that for a while, and we eventually opened an Instagram account I also managed. I didn’t even know people got jobs as social media managers till I came across it on an online job board around 2019. I decided that was what I wanted, so I just kept applying to different places, even though I had no formal experience. I kept at it for about seven months till I finally got my first job. I’m not even sure how I convinced them to hire me, but thankfully, they did, and they never regretted it. That job helped me become the content strategist I am today.
“I was just trying my luck”
— Kofo*, 25, Product manager
I studied French in school, and for the longest time, I thought I’d end up as a teacher. But just after NYSC in 2019, I got introduced to Product Management. And I found out I didn’t need a degree to pursue the career path. I could just get online certification. So, I attended as many classes and training as possible.
The next step was to find someone who’d trust me enough to give me a job. I didn’t find many internship opportunities, so I had to focus on entry-level positions, which required some form of experience. I was just trying my luck, so I don’t know if it was God just looking out for me, but I landed a junior role in a startup within six months of actively job-hunting. They just decided to take a chance with me; I’ll forever be grateful for that.
“I technically faked experience”
Ola*, 28, Admin officer
I once got a job that required three years’ experience when I had less than six months in total — from student industrial work experience (SIWES). I’d graduated four years prior, in 2015, and I was unemployed the whole time — save for my pastor helping me out by paying me to train our six-man choir, like a music director kinda gig. It’s a really small family church, so the major qualification I had was that I could sing.
In 2019, when a church member shared a vacancy for an executive assistant with three years of experience in, I wasn’t sure what to do. I told my pastor, and we decided to use his company — a business name he’d registered one time — as my employer, since he was paying me any way. So, we put it on my CV that I was an executive assistant at his “company”. Technically, I faked the experience, but it wasn’t like it was a job I couldn’t do. And I obviously did it well because I got promoted to admin officer in 2022.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
If you don’t count the many court cases and possibility of re-runs in some places, the 2023 election season is over. What this means is many politicians have now lost their jobs — noticeably five governors (out of eleven) and a certain Senator Chimaroke who’s gone on a Twitter rant since he lost his Enugu East senatorial seat to a Labour Party candidate.
It must suck to suddenly be unemployed, especially after putting so much effort into a campaign, and we get it. That’s why we thought to share all the other jobs these ex-incumbents can do now that they’re back in the job market.
Activist
All they have to do is put “Political Activist” in their bios and drop one tweet condemning injustice every three months. They can even throw in random hot takes once in a while for pizzazz. Will they earn? I don’t know, but at least, they won’t be idle.
Social media influencer
They already have the two major requirements: followers and small fame. Just get a ring light, start going live every two days, and brand endorsement deals will start rolling in.
Hairdresser
Why only get pictured making hair in salons during election season when you can make it a full-time job? Those who learnt how to fry akara and roast corn for campaign pictures can also sell their wares for real now.
Motivational speaker
No shade to motivational speakers, but it seems like an easy job. All they have to do is share how they got their first pair of shoes at the ripe old age of 25, and career don set.
Travel vlogger
Our politicians don’t like sitting their asses down in Nigeria before, so they might as well take up vlogging. I know I’d love to watch a “Travel to launder money in Turkey with me” video.
Organise meet-and-greets
Shocking as it may seem, many questionable politicians have die-hard fans. They should just ask those fans to pay to shake their hands, since they obviously don’t have sense.
Magician
Remember how a snake swallowed ₦36 million in JAMB office? Nigerian politicians are already experts in doing the impossible. So what are a few more magic tricks to them?
Bus conductor
They obviously love promising us change and never delivering. Maybe if they become bus conductors, they’d remember to?
We used to think village people were the problem, and for a period, they might have been. But now, it’s artificial intelligence (AI). While you’re crying and fighting PHCN, shitty internet providers and all the many weapons Nigeria has fashioned against you, your employer is asking ChatGPT to write a draft of your termination letter.
So instead of dragging a job with AI, why don’t you just find something it can’t steal?
So as AI is coming for our jobs, what we doing next guys?
Even if you don’t agree, your Nigerian parents have you as their retirement plan. So maybe it’s time to consider having kids who’ll send you monthly allowances for bringing them to life. The only thing AI will get from Nigerians is unending requests because hospitals don’t have enough space for women’s antenatal, talkless of AI’s.
Pro: You’ll reap the fruits of your labour literally.
Do you know how much people make from selling akara? Sure AI can write a 1500-word article from a single prompt, but you see that roadside akara recipe? It can only be passed down through generations. So get a small space in front of your house, and people will come and beg you to take their money in exchange for hot oily akara.
Pro: You’ll only have to work mornings and evenings, and people will pay you in cash.
If we’ve seen anything these past few months, it’s that POS people are the real ballers. They don’t just make you beg them to take your money, they’re also quick to change it for you if you try nonsense. So while AI can tell you where the money is, only POS people possess the power needed to actually dispense the cash.
Pro: Everybody will be rushing you
Con: You may have to sleep overnight at the bank to get cash
Become a bridesmaid or groomsman for hire
With the number of owambes in Nigeria, this cash cow is waiting to be discovered. Even if you don’t want a wedding, try burial ceremonies; at least you’ll finally be able to put all your tears to good use. The best part is AI will even give you ideas on how to land new clients, because that’s its job.
Whether you want to be a politician or an agbero aid, it doesn’t matter. Just have a structure, and you’re good to go. You think AI can compete with the photoshopping, church tours, snatching of ballot boxes or any of the craziness that goes on in Nigerian politics? Lol, AI is all about living the soft life inside behind a screen so it’ll leave all that drama for you to deal with.
Pro: You don’t even have to do any work
Con: They’ll constantly drag you online
Become a babalawo
This job requires little capital; just get a red cloth, black eyeliner, white chalk,a mirror and throw in some cowries for a little razzle-dazzle. We’d like to see an AI attempt to turn someone into a tuber of yam or harvest the left testicle of a mosquito to use for money rituals.
Pro: You can punish all your haters Con: You’re always a step away from madness
Cover letters are so 2018. No one likes writing them, and do recruiters even read them?
Anyone can say cool things about themselves in a cover letter, but you see these eight alternatives? They’re infinitely better at showing whether you have the skills needed for any job.
Twitter profile
One good thing to come out of the 2023 elections is that most people now wear their foolishness and bigotry as a badge. No need for background checks when a quick Twitter sweep can show if someone has sense or not.
A Nigerian mother’s approval
It’s impossible to please Nigerian mothers, so if she ever approves anyone, you bet it’s because they put the “work” in “hard work”. What else do you even need to know?
NIN slip
They went through the seven gates of hell to register for NIN, and that’s the definition of working well under pressure. The NIN itself proves they’re Nigerian, and they’re still (kinda) alive. Which also means they can survive the most fucked up situation ever.
Name of internet service provider
If they use Glo, they’re obviously very stubborn and have a suffering kink. This means they’ll stubbornly pursue their goals and KPIs come rain or shine.
Good birth report from a midwife
To prove that they are easy to work with by nature. Do you know what it means to not stress your mum or the hospital personnel during delivery?
Proof of sanity
Especially if they’re Nigerians living in Lagos, or believe semo is “elite”.
Jointly signed statement from every ex
You don’t really know someone unless you date them. That’s why exes are the ultimate character witnesses. If they can’t commit to a relationship for more than three months, do you think they’ll spend up to six months in your company?
Screenshot of account balance
Studies from the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics have shown that sapa-inflicted people are more likely to treat their source of daily ₦2k with importance. People who have money can wake up and decide to ghost for a day just to sleep.
Dear employers, recruiters and whoever is in charge of writing job vacancy announcements, we’re tired of seeing only job requirements and duties. It’s giving nothing.
I took it upon myself to ask job seekers what they’d rather like to see, so you may want to answer these questions in the next job opening announcement you put out.
What are the coworkers like?
What’s the work culture? And no, we don’t mean putting the “We’re a family” sentence. We’re not family members. You know it, I know it. Let’s cut the crap.
Why is the position vacant?
Did the last three people who held this position resign in tears? Did they last three months? Before I’ll go and use my hand to sign my prison sentence.
How many interviews will I need to do?
These days, some recruiters state the interview procedure, but it needs to be normalised everywhere. Not that someone will apply now and hear, “Do these three assignments before you can scale through to the preliminary interview”.
How long will the application process take?
Will you guys reply within a month, or should I just go and sleep? At least, even if someone doesn’t fit the role, gently break up with them. Don’t ghost them.
How much is the salary?
This is the real star of the show. Do you think I’m applying to enter capitalism because of passion?
Is it eye service you want?
Because some of you will put 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. as working hours, but if an employee tries to leave work immediately it’s 5, you start squeezing face. Let’s not be unfortunate, dear.
Does the boss’s head usually touch?
They don’t use to shout at some of us o. If you know you’ll raise your voice because you “can’t control your passion” or you “expect excellence”, better write it there.
Can I fall in love with my coworker?
It’s not like we’ll set out to catch feelings, but sometimes, people want to make their work spouses their actual spouses. If it’s a no-no, write it in the job vacancies so the romantics can find love elsewhere.
Adulting is more than enough reason to seek therapy. Your entire life is just an endless cycle of bills and deciding what to eat.
But you see these particular jobs? They’re so stressful, anyone who does them should automatically qualify for free therapy.
POS operator
Sure, they’re balling now, but they’re also fast becoming the subject of swears because of the high withdrawal charges the cash scarcity has forced them to impose. #PrayForAnOperatorToday
Babalawo
One day, you’re performing money rituals hitch-free. The next day, you hear the government wants to change currency. How do you tell the gods they have to start applying filter on the notes they send?
Writer
Especially Zikoko writers. You may already know this, but we’re not fully alright.
TikToker
Because it can’t be normal to dress up just to dance in front of a camera 24 hours every day.
In fact, every content creator
Especially those who live in Nigeria. If NEPA isn’t acting up, it’s fuel acting like a shy bride. God, abeg.
Tailor
Yes, we love to hate tailors, but why would you give someone ₦5k for a corset dress? Think it na.
Every worker in Nigeria
Living in Nigeria is already hard. You now have to work? Sorry o.
If your mental health is not as strong as you wish, there are people in certain professions you should avoid entering relationships with. They’ll stress you, increase your blood pressure, and you’ll end up in a psychiatric hospital.
Since we care about your mental health, here’s a list of such people so you can avoid them.
Actors
If your mental health do usually have comma and the occasional full stop, don’t bother with an actor. Why? Overthinking will nearly kill you. You want to date someone who can cry on demand? LMAO. If you think you can handle it, your brain will show you something.
Zikoko writers
Writers are bad enough, but dating a Zikoko writer? You clearly don’t enjoy life or want peace. Not only is everything content for them, but they never have your time. They’re too busy resting from the havoc they’ve caused or plotting to constitute a nuisance. If you’re still doubting, ask yourself, “How many Zikoko writers are in long-term committed relationships?” Exactly.
They’re like actors, but somehow worse. They’d be talking politely to a customer on the phone and have the most ridiculous facial reactions. How are you sure that’s not how they act when you call them? They’re pros at making their voice neutral even when they want to kill you. It’s too much, abeg.
Personal trainer
They’ll be a bit too concerned with their own body. You’ll be dating someone who thinks a good date idea is jogging along the Lekki-Ikoyi link bridge. That’s enough to make you more unstable than you already are.
Capitalist propagators don’t care about their own selves, and you think you’re worth it to them? You’ll tell them you’re having a mental breakdown; they’ll say it’s because you don’t wake up at 5 a.m. to seize the day. Better choose yourself.
Instagram vendors
Have all the “what you ordered vs what you got” trends on social media taught you nothing? If not, let us help you. Instagram vendors will promise you one thing and give you something else. You’re too unstable to be dealing with people who’ll only breadcrumb and love-bomb you.
Delivery people
They’ll give you high blood pressure with constant calls to ask you unnecessary questions. Plus, even though their jobs require them to, they never actually know how to get anywhere. Is that someone you want to lead a relationship?
HR
You’ll think because their job revolves around people, they’ll know how to actually treat a partner well. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. They’re like military dictators, and you can never rest when they’re around. Do you think they grant mental health days to their coworkers? The answer is no.
Tailor
Their entire job revolves around making false promises. It’s their MO. Why will you date a tailor when you don’t have the mental fortitude for such behaviour? Plus, they’re always dodging customers. Can your anxiety handle that?
Politician
As if your life is not hard enough, you want to be with someone who receives curses on a daily basis? Mental health that you’re managing, someone will use swear to reverse. Abeg.
If you happened to stroll into football Twitter this past weekend, you’d know Mykhailo Mudryk went viral for his impressive €100 million (£88 million) Chelsea signing from Shakhtar Donetsk.
Another reason behind the plenty talk is Arsenal initially approached Mudryk’s club, Shakhtar, with £55 million, and then £62 million— the footballer had even accepted salary terms with the Gunners. But Chelsea swept in like a rich Nollywood sugar daddy, his club agreed, and the rest was history.
Sure, all the money isn’t going to him, but Mudryk accepted his club’s decision and chose money. I may not know much about football, but I’m proud that he did. To my fellow 9-5ers, here’s why you should do as Mudryk did and always choose money.
Account balances don’t recognise passion
If it’s not the work of your village people, why would you have passion for a job that pays you ₦30k?
It’s better to cry inside AC
Every job will stress you. It’s better to cry inside an air-conditioned office and clean your tears with dollar bills than to motivate yourself with, “I love my job”.
You think your team is your “family”, but even your work spouse would leave you in an instant if another job promises to 2x their salary. Don’t play yourself.
Neither does your boss
Especially if they always motivate the team to “believe in the collective dream”. Let someone else shove money in their face first.
The economy is economying
Everything is expensive. The noodles you bought for ₦100 yesterday can be ₦500 tomorrow. Do you get where I’m going with this?
Bad bitches are rich bitches
How do you want to reach the full extent of your bad bitchery with only ₦5k in your account two days after payday?
Don’t you want to be a baller?
Because why are you even choosing anything over money?
If there’s one career advice we get all the time, it’s either, “Do what you love, so you never have to work a day in your life” or “Follow your passion”. These statements are tied to the notion that people should do anything to get a particular job that’d make them happy and fulfilled — the proverbial “dream job”.
I’ve always thought the concept of a dream job is just another ploy to keep you shackled to the chains of capitalism. Why should you dream of working every day of your active life for fulfilment?
Don’t take it from me. These Nigerian professionals share similar sentiments as they tell us why they stopped believing in dream jobs.
“I do love my job, but it’s just not enough.”
— Damian*, 32
I grew up in a typical Nigerian home, where the dad was always working and the mum was a stay-at-home carer. My dad took great pride in his work, and we didn’t lack anything, so I grew up believing all I had to do as a man was my best work and everything else would fall into place.
My dream job was to be a banker like my dad, and I did everything possible to make sure I achieved it. I’m the assistant branch manager at a commercial bank now, but I feel like I’m living my life for someone else.
I work so hard every day, telling myself I chose this life. I do love my job, but it’s just not enough. I hardly have time to even think about other things I might enjoy, and at the end of the day, no one gives a shit about you. You can drop dead one minute, and work will continue the next. Is that life?
“Every job fuels capitalism”
— Clarissa*, 27
I’ll admit I once believed in a “dream job” that had to be the end goal if you wanted to feel like you’ve achieved a successful career. Mine wasn’t a specific role; it just had to be something that paid me in dollars.
I got the dollar-paying job in 2021 and felt good for a while, but capitalism is still capitalism. It’s still the same mind-numbing work that takes over your life. Every job fuels capitalism. The only difference is the amount of money you choose to sell your freedom for.
“Dream jobs don’t necessarily pay the bills”
— Obed*, 29
When I hear “dream job”, I think “follow your passion”. I followed my passion for a while by studying veterinary medicine in university, but omo, I came out and saw that the economy wasn’t smiling. There aren’t enough opportunities for vets in Nigeria. Me, I’ve changed my passion to what can feed me, please.
“The idea just benefits employers”
— Olanna*, 25
I believed that for someone to enjoy working, they had to really love their jobs, so any job that’d make me absolutely love working was meant to be my dream job.
But I have better sense now, and I realise that idea just benefits employers. They encourage you to put in your all to gain “fulfilment” and “change the world”, but they’re the ones who largely benefit from your hard work. No one really loves working. We just do it because we have to.
I’m not saying, don’t like your job. Heck, you have to, or else you’d be miserable all your life. But just do what you can and throw away any notion that you’re indispensable. To your employer, everyone is dispensable.
Not everyone has the luxury of pursuing their dreams or jobs they supposedly have passion for, especially in Nigeria. I believed in dream jobs as a young university leaver, but life has shown me we don’t always get to choose what we love. So, what’s the point of believing in it?
Employers don’t even care whether you love the job or not. As long as you’re doing what they paid you for, it’s not their business.
“A job is just a job”
— Anita*, 26
Just like characters in romance novels, I used to believe there was a career path that was “the one” for me. But I’ve pivoted from health to human resources and now administration. I’ve realised there’s no one job that makes me feel fulfilled. As long as I keep doing good work, and my salary helps ease my stress, I’m fine. A job is just a job. We weren’t put on this earth to focus our energies on finding one dream job.
“Money is my own dream”
— Dotun*, 36
I was guilty of telling people to follow their passion, but getting married and having children made me realise money is my own dream.
I followed my passion by starting my career in journalism, but the work environment and challenges that came with it aren’t for the weak. Plus, it doesn’t pay too well. When I got the opportunity to move into tech, I did. Now, I tell people not to be boxed into a corner by the idea of a dream job. Dreams can change, and they can be fuelled by anything.
What if your “dream job” is killing you or can’t pay your bills? Better dream again.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
Unfortunately for you, work has resumed. Since you can’t manufacture a public holiday, it’s time to do the job you’re paid to do.
God, abeg
But how do you work when every cell in your body either wants to rewind time so it’s December again, or fast-forward it to payday? Just use these tips.
Start counting the days
Anytime you get tired of work, remember you’re a few more hours closer to salary day.
Throw in pointless office lingo
Because what says performance-driven employee like throwing words like “bandwidth”, “circle back” or “drill down”? It doesn’t even need to relate to the subject matter. Just say it so it sounds like your mind is on your job.
Look serious
Even though you aren’t currently doing anything, everyone will think you’re brainstorming the next big idea.
Blame MTN and their cohorts
I’m not saying you should use bad internet as an excuse for not doing your work o. But it’s not within your control, abi?
Set up meetings
You don’t even need an agenda. Everyone knows most meetings are just a waste of time. You can even say the purpose is for everyone to share what they learnt during the holidays. That should knock at least two hours off the day.
Just look busy
If you need to @channel on Slack for no reason, or walk up and down your office to look busy, just do it. Others may call it eye service, but you’re just protecting your job.
Remember the state of your account balance
Can you really afford to leave your job? We’ll leave you to answer that yourself.
Beg God to let you blow this year
At the end of the day, who even likes working? Just blow so you can tell your oga to eat their job.
It’s the end of the year, and while some of us are trying to figure out how to detty December on a mechanic’s budget, 9-5ers are experiencing a different kind of hell.
Don’t get me wrong. The average 9-5er looks forward to the holidays — just imagining meeting-free days and festive hampers can make one go weak in the knees — but most also agree December is the most scattered month of the year.
I spoke with Yetunde Dada, a business consultant at a human resources consulting and recruitment firm in Lagos, and she gave me the lowdown on why the season isn’t so jolly for 9-5ers.
The work never really stops
You’d think the year ending means work will reduce and everyone can coast into the new year. Heck no. If anything, work seems to have doubled because bosses want to end the year with a “big bang”. Whatever that means.
But many people start closing mentally
If you think about it, maybe it’s just the Detty December state of mind that makes it seem like the work has increased. Imagine putting Christmas funds calculations and work in the same head.
“We’ll revisit this next year”
This suddenly becomes everyone’s motto. Faulty water dispenser at the office? “We’ll revisit it next year.” We need to settle the contracts for the new hires? “Oh, next year!”
You begin to wonder who’ll do all the work we pushed to next year.
Gift planning is the ghetto
Of course, you have to send gifts to the clients who worked with you throughout the year, and deciding on what gift to give will take approximately 50 wasted meeting hours. Add that to the regular work you’re still expected to do.
End-of-year parties nko?
Don’t get me started on the parties and “team bonding” sessions. Sure, it’s great to eat and enjoy your life at your employer’s expense, but God help you if you’re part of the planning committee. By the time you use three meetings to decide on the party’s theme, you’ll be tempted to punch something. Or someone.
Closing out for the year… or not
Most offices do this thing where they close for the year but only close the office. You can be cooking Christmas rice when you’re suddenly called into a meeting. Anything for the client, right?
It’s too damn brief
After all the wahala, you only get like one week of sanity before the madness starts again. Is it really worth it?
January poverty
Most importantly, everyone tries to ignore the fact that their salary might not smell January, and January has two million days. Because if you think about it, you’d just cry.
If you haven’t noticed already, typical Nigerian offices are mini Nigerian governments — everyone’s trying their darnedest to be the top players of the game.
To play office politics and win, you need a particular set of skills, and we’ve got you.
Embrace passive-aggressiveness
God forbid you’re upset and are actually upfront about it. You want to lose your job? It doesn’t matter if Amaka asks you for a document you’ve already sent 200 times before, or your oga keeps fixing pointless meetings. Hug passive-aggressiveness. It’ll save you.
Just smile
Especially if you have nothing to be happy about. Do you want to be accused of having “low energy”?
Do oversabi once in a while
Forget whatever you believe. Eye service is very important in a Nigerian workplace. How else do you want to show you carry the work on your head?
Learn to keep quiet
You want to be visible, not known as the office “radio without battery”.
…and mind your business
Don’t go about announcing how you saw oga looking for ants inside his secretary’s mouth, or how Banke was watching “Blood and Water” with office WiFi.
But not all the time sha
Not when you need people to know you helped oga prepare the presentation everyone’s raving about. Blow other people’s trumpet too. Everyone likes whoever makes them feel good.
It’s all in the balance
Be serious, but not too serious. Your boss needs to know you’re working, but your colleagues shouldn’t hate you for being too excellent. Figure it out.
Keep your personality at home
If you’re an introvert, better borrow a sprinkle of extraversion when it’s time for work. If you’re an extrovert, learn to hold your mouth small. You don’t want your superiors to think you’re hoarding the spotlight.
And finally, don’t care about money
Because aren’t you working because of “passion”? Don’t join others to agitate for a salary increase. Even if you get promoted, don’t even mention salary. Use the “employee of the year” award you’ll get after following these rules to buy bread at the market.
So, you just got a new job — or you’re considering accepting one — and you’re happy to finally get something to cushion the effects of poverty. Don’t get too excited. You need to watch out for these signs.
The office is at Ikeja
Ikeja is like the epicentre of Lagos hustle and scam activities. Remember Computer village and those fake job interview invites? Do we need to explain further?
HR is too motivational
“We’re all one big family here” or “We’re all rockstars”. Run for your life.
They have a banging social media page
You’d be trying to complete your one million deliverables when Oga sends a memo that every staff member should report to the conference room to do TikTok video. What if I don’t want to dance?
The office has a recreation area
They have a gaming area, and you aren’t scared? They’re indirectly telling you they’ll give you headaches that’ll make you avoid reality.
Office is at Lagos Island
They use fine office and aesthetics to cover up for the fact that they’re about to suck your blood.
You have too many Gen Z co-workers
Your biggest headache with them may be deciphering all the slang they use every day. Who sent you work?
When the strike started in February [2022], some students may have assumed it wouldn’t last more than a month — it was a four-week warning strike, after all.
But when the strike kept extending till it was declared indefinite, many students were like:
Welp! Time to secure the bag
The strike is finally over, and students are expected to resume school by October 24 [2022]. What happens to those who already secured jobs during this period to make good use of the by-force holiday? I asked seven of them about their plans, and here are their answers.
“I’m not smelling school till next year”
— Yewande, 25, Master’s student, Unilorin
I sat at home for the first five months of the strike before I landed my current human resources job in Lagos. It wouldn’t make sense to just up and leave when I’ve not even spent six months.
Sure, they know I’m a student and may understand, but honestly, I don’t even want to go. ASUU themselves said their demands haven’t been fully satisfied. What’s to say they won’t start another strike next month? Which lecturer would even want to resume after being owed since February?
They’ll be alright. My focus now is my job. Some graduates don’t even have jobs, so I can’t abandon mine for people who can change their minds in one minute. I’ll go back to school, but that’ll be in January.
“I had to abandon my internship”
— Joke, 19, first-year student, EKSU
My school’s management ordered the resumption of school activities ahead of the ASUU strike call-off, so I had to go back around September [2022] for practicals.
It was really painful because I’d just got an internship with this real estate company in Lagos in late August [2022]. They were even going to give me a stipend, and it would’ve been my first professional work experience, but I didn’t get either.
ASUU and co, well-done o.
“I’m still keeping my job”
— Kunle, 20, third-year student, Unilag
I got a virtual assistant job in August [2022], and it’s been great. With school resuming now, it’ll likely be very tough because the job is demanding. But I’ll just find a way around it.
It’s too soon for me to request leave from work, so that’s out of the question. If worse comes to worst, and exams start, I’ll form sickness and take sick leave. School is important, but money is importanter.
My elder sister helped me start a mini fashion supply business last month [September 2022]. Since I’m based in Lagos, I have easy access to Balogun market. So, I post stuff on my WhatsApp and supply them to people.
Now that the strike is over, I need to return to Ibadan. It doesn’t seem financially prudent to continue because I’ll have to include dispatch fees. How much would my profit be?
I’m not happy because I was just getting the hang of the business, but at least I finally get to go back to school and start thinking of graduation.
“This isn’t what we planned, ASUU”
— Goke, 20, second-year student, FUNAAB
I started an internship in September [2022]. I confidently started a physical one because I’d concluded the strike would stay on till next year, especially since our government is more interested in the campaigns.
Now, I’m forced to leave without giving the company adequate notice. This isn’t what we planned, ASUU.
“I’m more than happy to go back to school”
— Ann, 19, second-year student, Unilag
Since the strike started in February, I’ve been teaching at a school close to my area. The money is trash — just ₦8k — but I took it so I wouldn’t have to stay home.
Immediately I got confirmation of the strike call-off, I resigned. School is stressful, but at least, I’ll get an allowance and live my best baby girl lifestyle.
“I can’t afford to go back just yet”
— Mide, 23, final-year student, EKSU
I got a teaching job just like most of my peers did. But unlike them, I can’t afford to resign now. Firstly, I usually get paid in the first week of the new month, so I have to stay till November [2022] at least.
Still, I’m considering staying till December because final year is expensive, and I need to make sure I’m loaded. I’m also confident my landlord at school will start disturbing me for payment once he sees me. I don’t even have time to think about it now. I just need to have money.
We know so many people lie on their CVs. It’s a normal thing at this point. It’s all seen as part of the employment hustle. So, we spoke to seven Nigerians, and they told us the biggest lies they’ve told on their CVs.
“I said I’d worked with over 10 organisations”
Lola, 30
“I lied that I’d worked in over 10 organisations over a span of three years. It’s not my fault. I was desperately looking for a job, so I just manufactured companies and put them on my CV. Out of all of them, I’d only worked with two in real life. The rest were imaginary companies with no other employees except me.”
“I lied that I can work under pressure”
Rasheed, 25
“When I was writing a CV for my last job, I was honestly just freestyling with my soft skills. I kept adding anything that came to my mind because I thought, last last, I’ll run it. That’s how I went to mention I can work under pressure. I think God punished me for lying by making me get the job because the pressure I faced can make some people cry.”
“I lied that I organised a virtual conference of over 1000 attendees”
Amaka, 25
“I once put it on my CV that I had some event planning experience with a virtual conference that had over 1000 attendees. Both the conference and the attendees were made up. But nobody should stress me, please.”
“I said I helped two organisations increase their social media visibility by 3x”
Sola, 27
“I don’t even know if I’ll call this a lie. I did work for those organisations as a social media manager sha, but I didn’t increase any visibility anywhere o. Moving your page from 10 followers to 30 followers is still 3x visibility, no? But then, I like to think of it like this: three times zero is still zero. So, technically, I didn’t lie. I just massaged the truth a little bit.”
“I wrote an entire role description for a job I didn’t even do”
Josephine, 23
“When I was in university, I worked at a company owned by a relative for my SIWES programme. To be honest to God in heaven, I wasn’t doing anything meaningful there. I was just going to watch Big Brother Naija everyday. But when I updated my CV, I just added everything that was in the role description, whether or not I did them in real life.
I said I onboarded new clients, held sessions with new employees, received inbound calls, yada yada yada. Everything, dust.”
“I said I was proficient in SQL”
John, 26
“I was actively looking for a data analyst position at the time, and I just added any skill remotely related to the job. Whether or not I even knew the first thing about them was none of my business. I kept saying I’ll learn on the job when I find it. And I knew enough about some of these skills to sound like I was actually proficient in real life sha.
When I got the job, it became a race between my workload and my brain. Every night, I was sleeping on YouTube trying to figure stuff out. I learnt in the end sha, and actually became proficient. But I don’t think it was worth the stress of lying.”
“I created my own company to make it seem like I wasn’t freelancing”
Damola, 22
“I’m a software engineer, and even though I have a bit of formal work experience, I’d done some freelance work for over a year. The issue is companies abroad didn’t really like hiring freelancers. Maybe it has to do with the assumption that you’ll keep doing gigs while working for them.
I was looking for a remote job at the time, so to cover up the freelancing part, I just created a company and said it was an agency so we worked on different projects. The projects were real, but the ‘company’ really only existed to disguise the fact that I was freelancing.
I’m applying for another remote job now, and I mistakenly sent in an old CV that says I’ve freelanced before. I’m just waiting for my L, secretly hoping that it never comes.”
First off, no normal person enjoys slavery, so we understand why you might hate your job. But country hard and you can’t quit because you need the money. So try these very important life hacks instead.
Use a picture of your dream job as your wallpaper
This way, you’re constantly reminded of where you’re going. You know, aspire to perspire.
Create a burner and drag your employers
Wicked people don’t deserve peace, and neither does your employer. Just make sure you don’t get caught sha.
Get a work husband/wife
What better way to dispel the hate than with love? Try getting a work spouse and give yourself something to look forward to every work day.
Why should they be happy when you’re not? Whether you decide to sell official secrets to competitors or steal their money directly is entirely up to you.
Fake your kidnap
Just go missing for a few weeks and when you come back, tell them you were on your way to the office when you blinked and saw yourself on a yacht in Dubai. These things happen.
Pray
You can either pray for your employer to be struck by lightning or for you to get a better job. Either way, we’re positive your help will come from above.
Resign
Because life is too short to be stuck somewhere you hate. Period!.
Picture this: You’re excited at the idea of getting a salary and joining the 9-5 gang — or at least leaving house chores behind — so you decide to get an internship.
Get ready because you’ll likely experience the following stages.
Rejection
Wait, shouldn’t internships be easier to get? What are all these rejection emails in your inbox then?
The “for-the-experience” offers aka no salary
Yes, we know internships are for the experience. But try explaining to the bus conductor taking you from Ikeja to Ajah that there’s more to life than money.
The internships with the most ridiculous requirements
These ones deserve a special place in Ajah traffic. You want an intern who can speak seven languages? Just tell us you want to employ our Lord and personal saviour.
The ones with the sketchy job descriptions
You don’t need anyone to tell you that these ones want to either steal your kidney or collect the remaining ₦2k in your account.
You finally get the internship, but you actually have to work
Did you think internships were only for taking corporate wear selfies and filling a spot on your LinkedIn profile?
Getting your first internship definitely ranks as one of the most important events in your life. Suddenly, you’re a proud member of the end-of-the-month credit-alert-expectant WhatsApp group.
An internship is much more than just earning a salary though, so we’ve compiled the expo you need to crush your internship, just because we’re your guys and all that.
Dress the part
Oh, you thought Mark Nsukka bread was your boss? Please find out if there’s a dress code and prepare accordingly.
Be prepared to do more than your job description
You might be great at doing more than one thing, so you become the one everyone calls upon for any and everything.
Intentionality is everything
An internship is a learning opportunity, so you need to seek out opportunities to learn. Don’t sit down waiting for someone to teach you because it might never happen.
Bring the right energy
Don’t let the new pressure of adulting get you discouraged. Bringing the right energy to work is almost as important as actually doing the work.
Build a network
Good professional relationships don’t just fall on people, so use the internship as an opportunity. Offer to help that sales guy on your team or talk to the marketing lady during lunch.
Don’t take on too much at a time
Learn to pace yourself, so you don’t take on too many tasks at once and then fail to deliver on any.
Have fun
You’re already on your way to building a fulfilling career, so make sure to enjoy yourself along the way as well.
Pro tip: It’ll also help you interact better and actually become lasting friends with your colleagues. Remember that bit about networking?
Ready to start a fulfilling career? We’ve got you covered.
The Youth of Enterprise (YOE) Internship Programme, sponsored by EnterpriseNGR, intends to help young Nigerians build employability skills to land great career opportunities and provide them with real workplace experience. You’ll actually get paid to do important work, not spend the whole time buying amala for senior colleagues.
SIGN UP FOR FREE to join the YOE Internship Programme to get the professional competence you need to kick-start your career.
If you haven’t gotten the memo, typical Nigerian employers want you to actually die for their company. That’s the only way you can prove your commitment.
So, you should learn to give them what they want, even if it’s eye service. Start doing these things today.
Always look serious
Laughter is for the lazy and unproductive.
Schedule all your emails to send at 1 a.m.
How else would they know you’re putting in the work?
Copy all your superiors in every single email
And we mean ALL of them. Flood their inbox with your productivity.
Call them at 7 a.m. on weekends
Just so you can beg them to give you something to keep busy.
And if you’re working remotely, make sure everyone on Slack or Teams know that you’re still online doing God-knows-what.
Spill your co-worker’s secrets
Tell your boss about Cynthia that spent two minutes extra at lunch. Will your coworkers hate you? Yes of course. But this isn’t about them. It’s about becoming your boss’ favourite.
Praise your boss on LinkedIn
This is the ultimate move. Make their head swell and you’ll be promoted to assistant CEO the next day, without a salary increase of course.
It’s Monday again, and capitalism is making us do this annoying thing called work. Problem is some people actually love it. We need those people to leave their jobs and go do something else because something’s wrong somewhere. If you love Mondays, and weekends absolutely aren’t your thing, then this post is calling your name.
You love your job
How can you love your job? It means you’re already losing focus because work is supposed to be fire and brimstone.
You have a crush on your boss
It’s obvious you’re not there for work. Why are you even wasting your time with the job when you already know what you want? Don’t let your 9 to 5 stop you from chasing your dreams, fam.
You’re good at your job
Then you should be doing something else, please. You need a new challenge.
Your 9 to 5 doesn’t stress you out
Is that one even a real 9 to 5? Let me just tell you now. What you have is a hobby and not a job. Find another one.
So they told you you’d work five days a wee,k and it wasn’t a lie? You don’t mean it.
You love Mondays
Are you normal like this? Something is definitely wrong somewhere. Your job is not doing its job well, and you need to find another one ASAP.
Your salary is actually enough for you
Maybe you need to write us a book because how are your money skills not shaking at the sight of inflation? How can your salary be enough for you in this economy? You need to find another job right now.
You love your coworkers
Do you mean you actually like them and are not just doing eye service? Wow. Fix up, please.
The saying “Different strokes for different folks” also applies to the jobs we do. Because different professions have different unwritten and unspoken rules that guide them, we decided to find out what they were. So, before you think of venturing into any of these career paths, here are some of the unofficial rules you should know.
Graphic designer
A very important rule for up-and-coming designers is to ensure you add an extra day for sleep and rest when giving a timeline for your work. It’s also normal to assume a person is judging your design process simply because they’re watching you work.
Writer
Always have your notes close. Whether it’s on your phone or an actual notepad, make sure you have something to jot things down. Ideas come at weird times, and if you don’t write them down, you’ll forget. Or worse, you’ll end up with a topic later on, but no idea how you got there.
Customer service officer
We say we’re happy to get back to you just so we can get off the call. Scam. We actually aren’t looking forward to calling you back.
Project manager
Even if the job says 9-5, you’ll be stuck talking to developers at night.
Photographer
There’s only so much Photoshop can do to help with bad make-up. But don’t tell your client their makeup is ugly sha, especially if it’s a wedding. Just run it like that and do the best you can.
Make-up artist
Be ready to be their assistant because even though your job is about the face, you‘ll also have to look after their whole fit. So you’ll help with zipping dresses, adjusting jewellery, fixing weaves, etc. — things they didn’t pay you for.
.
Software developer
You can’t tell a client that wants to build an app that his idea is not very smart.
Teacher
You have to keep a low online profile. Kids will always be snooping around the internet to see what you’re up to outside of school. So if you must be online, make sure your accounts are private or at least PG-approved. And don’t use a particular phrase too much because your students will turn it into your nickname.
Hairstylist
Always be observant of your client’s mood. Do they want silence or do they want to gist? This will influence how you interact with them. Although most times, they may want to rant, so your job is to listen.
Artist
Always use references, as you need to have others to copy from. Also, keep in mind that clients will always promise future jobs when asking for discounts. Don’t fall for it, because if they eventually refer you to others, it’ll be other clients begging for discounts too.
It should have been simple: go to school, earn a degree, graduate and secure a job based on your skills and qualifications.
Unfortunately, it’s now more like: get jammed by JAMB a couple of times before getting into school, get struck a million times by FG-ASUU before finally graduating, and then entering the “labour market” hoping to hit the ground running.
Some are able to secure great careers, but then for most young people in Nigeria, it just doesn’t happen. This has encouraged a lucrative job racketeering market aka “pay something if you want a job”. We spoke to five Nigerians about their experience with this market and here’s what they had to say:
“I was asked to pay ₦450k for a ₦55k job”
— Daniel*, 32
I’ve been trying to get a government job for as long as I can remember because I believe it comes with great job security. I also only have a Higher Diploma, so I haven’t been able to get a really good job.
Around 2019, a family friend connected me to someone in a federal parastatal, and he was supposed to help me get a job. Recruitment was lowkey, and he explained that I could only get a grade level six job and that I’d need to claim that I only have a National Diploma in order to qualify.
I agreed to it and was already thanking my stars when I learnt that I would need to “sort the people involved” with ₦450k. Where was I supposed to find that? Even if I got the job, it would be more than one year’s salary.
I begged them that I’d pay part and then pay the rest when I got the job, but they refused.
My husband lost his job during the pandemic and hasn’t been able to secure another since then. I suddenly had the responsibility of providing for all our financial needs while earning just ₦60k.
Sometime in April 2021, my uncle introduced me to the person who helped me get my present job at a private firm. I submitted my CV to him and kept following up, but he kept posting me. No one needed to tell me to suggest paying for his help before I did.
He immediate became more responsive and told me plainly that I’d need to pay him ₦100k before he would secure my employment letter, assuring me that my salary would be twice that. I reported it to my uncle, but he advised me to just try it.
I got a loan and paid him, and I still don’t know how he did it, but I got a job offer within the week. I’ve been too scared to try digging into who he paid or how he did it.
“I was scammed”
— Jojo*, 28
Around April/May 2019, I learned that the Nigerian Railway Corporation was recruiting. I applied and miraculously got an interview invite. When I got there, there must have been at least a hundred people present as well.
I couldn’t get interviewed that day or even the day after, and by the third day of pushing sweaty bodies, I was exhausted. Then I noticed a small group of people around this man. Apparently, he was a staff and was gathering a small list of people he could help sort their employment.
To cut the story short, I paid ₦70k but didn’t get the job. Till today, nothing.
This one is even more annoying because the guy that was charging me was supposed to be my friend.
He works in a state ministry, and I badly needed a job in 2021. I shared my problems with him, and he told me there was a quiet recruitment ongoing, and he’d get me a spot if I could pay ₦200k. According to him, he had many people he’d need to settle to ensure my employment.
Well, I didn’t pay and, you guessed it, I didn’t get the job.
“He wanted to date me”
— Precious*, 25
I applied to this accounting firm in November 2021 for a personal assistant role, and I eventually got invited for an interview.
It was a physical interview with the managing director, and this man was legit telling me I’d need to work from his hotel room on Saturdays, all while he was ogling my chest.
I told him I’d be open to working in an open location within reasonable work hours, and he never reached out to me again. It was obvious that I needed to play to his tunes to get the job. He can keep it.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity, and answers lightly edited for clarity.
Starting new jobs can be scary. There you are, excited about landing your dream job, and suddenly you remember the important questions: will your boss have sense? Is there an affordable buka close to your job?
And probably the most critical question of all: how do you make a great first impression and prove to your bosses and colleagues that hiring you wasn’t a mistake? These tips will help you.
Don’t smile too much
There’s a big difference between a polite smile and a Kanayo O. Kanayo smile. Don’t come across as a ritualist, please.
Let them know you’re not here to play
When it’s time for handshakes, shake everyone for at least 5 minutes so they can tell you’re here for business.
Own a MacBook
Ever wondered why tech founders carry Macbooks everywhere? It’s because they immediately give you “big player” vibes. Get with the times.
Borrow an accent
Get a British or American accent and stick with it. Don’t go mixing them up sha o, so you don’t spoil your street cred.
So you can wow them with your knowledge of their personal lives when you get introduced to them. Some may say it’s creepy, we say it’s thinking out of the box.
Wear a power suit
If you’re resuming work remotely, make sure to turn on your video during meetings so they can see that you’re dressed how you’d like to be addressed — a boss.
Buy food for everyone
If you disregard everything else on this list, pay attention to this one. Quick secret, food is the only sure way to everyone’s heart. They can’t help but love you.
It’s hard but possible to imagine some Nigerian politicians as anything other than politicians. So here’s what we think these seven would do if they weren’t trying to get a piece of the national cake.
Nyesom Wike
Policeman
If he wasn’t making us laugh with his hilarious comments or stage dances, this man would’ve made a badass Nigerian police officer. You can totally picture him stopping you on the highway to ask if there’s something for the boys.
Dino Melaye
Hype Man
Some say this man already moonlights as a hype man, but we’ll never really know. There’s no doubt he’ll give us wild nightlife experiences if he wasn’t trying to get a piece of the national cake.
Babatunde Fashola
Lagos Landlord
You can totally picture this, can’t you? Him walking around the house in the morning, looking for something that’s just not there, until he suddenly finds a camera lying around somewhere.
All that pointing has to count for something. You can’t deny he does the best traffic warden impressions.
Bola Ahmed Tinubu
Cassava farmer
This man is clearly in love with cassava and corn, and we love to see it. We stan a man who knows where his true passion lies.
Bukola Saraki
Tech Founder
He gives off the vibe of the founder you’ll meet at a tech event, who won’t stop trying to sell you on how his new startup is going to change the world, even though you’ve never heard about it before.
Nasir El-rufai
University Lecturer
“A is for God, B is for me, C is for my wife and kids and D is for my favourite students”. You read that in his voice, didn’t you?
Most of us (read: certain Gen Zers) agree that capitalism is the worst and we wish adulting didn’t come with having to work.
Still, we still get stories about people staying at jobs they hate due to various reasons and we wonder, how long is long enough to stay at one job? Is there an acceptable minimum?
Here’s what these seven Nigerians think:
“I go where the money is, abeg”
— Lara*, 28
I’m too old to be forming loyalty at another man’s business. I stay loyal to you for as long as you’re paying me. However, I don’t actively start searching for other jobs within six months of a new one, but if something interesting happens to pop up, best believe I’ll take it.
I think one year is a reasonable minimum — I can stay more than a year, but I don’t do less than that. I figure that I need that time to learn new things, make a difference and work at advancing my career. It also helps to avoid potential recruiters thinking you’re fickle and might be a waste of resources if they hire you.
I have a five-year rule, mainly because I’ve spent most of my career in multinationals, and I believe this gives me enough time to establish myself as an expert in a particular market and rise through the ranks. It also shows loyalty, and when recruiters try to poach me, they’re more likely to come with very attractive offers in a bid to get me onboard.
“I never spend more or less than two years”
— Max*, 27
Two years is my minimum and maximum duration. I’m at an age where I need to pay attention to intentionally growing my career and finances, and I believe there’s a limit to how much you can earn in one place.
For instance, a raise on a ₦120k job will probably take years before getting to ₦300k, but you can get to ₦300k immediately if you can find a higher-paying job.
“Six months should do it”
— Crystal*, 22
I don’t think anyone should want to quit a job before spending at least six months there. Sure, there might be peculiar cases where the workplace is toxic, but think about your CV. Unless you plan to remove the whole experience from your CV, it might not be a good look.
“I move whenever I like”
— Joy*, 26
I used to believe that I needed to spend at least one or two years at one job in order to build myself as a professional, but one company made me change my stance. I worked there for three months, and they never paid me one full month’s salary — they kept paying in instalments, and no one had to teach me before I left.
I think this idea of needing to stay for a particular period at one job does more harm to the employee — do I really have to endure an employer’s excesses so that I don’t “spoil my career”?
If there’s one thing I dislike, it’s job stagnation. My mentor thinks three years is ample time to demonstrate growth and contribute significantly to team goals, and I agree with him. However, if you’re no longer aligned with the company’s goals, it might be time to consider quitting, even before the three-year mark.
Another thing is — if you’re sure you’re doing fantastic work and your team or company just doesn’t recognise it or makes you feel like you’re not doing well, throw the three-year mark away and move to where you’ll be respected. Life’s too short to be managing jobs.
*Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.
I saw this tweet below and the amebo in me decided to ask people what jobs they wouldn’t want their partners to have.
This is what they said:
“I’ll die from embarrassment if my man decides to become an IG comedian”
— Adeola, 25
I’m not sure how I’d react if my man decides to become an IG comedian. I can’t imagine seeing my man on Instagram trying to make people laugh by changing into different ridiculous costumes. I can already feel the second-hand embarrassment just thinking about it. It’s even worse if he’s the type that wears wigs and dresses. Someone will ask me what my man does, and I’ll have to say he’s an IG comedian, God Abeg. Also, what if he’s not funny? I still have to share the video on my insta story and encourage him? I can die of embarrassment.
“Imagine seeing girls fawn over your husband on social media and in person”
— Emma*, 24
My heart won’t be able to accept my partner if he decides to be an actor. First of all, there’s all that lip action. How are you kissing all these people with so much passion and you expect me to think there’s nothing there? Aside from the acting, there are the fans. I know how crazy fangirling can be, so imagine seeing girls fawn over your husband on social media and in person. I won’t be able to handle it. I don’t know how wives of people like Etim Effiong or RMD do it.
“My biggest fear is that I’d have to play their music to my friends”
— Ikenna*, 26
If my partner decides to become a musician, I’ll end the relationship. First of all, they’ll play their songs for you all the time, and you have to listen even when you’re not in the mood. Imagine living with them and they now have a studio in the house; I’d run mad. It’s worse if they play an instrument and they’re trying to “serenade” you; that’s even more stress. Then they expect you to say nice things about the music, which basically means I’d have to lie, and I don’t know how to lie. That’s how the relationship will end. My biggest fear is that I’d have to play their music to my friends or make my friends attend their music shows. That’s a hard pass for me, please.
“I don’t know how I’d react if my husband gets a job offshore”
— Chisom*, 24
For me, it’s my husband deciding to become one of those oil workers that work offshore. I can’t live with the fact that I might only get to see the love of my life once every 2 – 3 months. I’ve been doing long distance for over three years. I finally get to be with him, and that’s when he decides to get into a career that’ll once again keep him away? Yeah — no, I’m not doing that. It’s the same reason why I’d also be upset if he decided to become a pilot.
Also, becoming a masseuse is off the table, simply because I may pass out from the thought of my partner rubbing his hands all over another person.
“I wouldn’t respect my boyfriend if he decided to become a stripper”
— Bola*, 24
I’ll break up with my man if he decides to become a male stripper. I think male stripping is silly, and everyone will see how silly my boyfriend is. I’m not sure I’d have respect for him if he decided to get into that. And I’d feel major second-hand embarrassment.
If my girlfriend decides she wants to be on Onlyfans, I’ll shed serious tears. The main reason is that nothing will feel special again; I’ll just feel like one of her subscribers.
“I wouldn’t want to do traditional rites with my partner”
— Adamma*, 27
There are two jobs on this list: traditional ruler and politician. First of all, they both involve having to be responsible for human beings, and I know I’m not cut out for that. Also, as the wife of a traditional ruler, I’d have to do ritual rites with him, and that’s a big no for me. As a politician’s wife, I’d be expected to behave a certain way and to do certain things. If he’s now a bad leader, citizens will curse my family and me anyhow.
“I don’t rate makeup artists”
— Emmanuel*, 26
Becoming a makeup artist is where I draw the line. I don’t take makeup artists seriously. I just don’t rate the job. I think most makeup looks look weird, and every Nigerian babe looks the same nowadays. I think the “art” in make-up artist is pretentious sef.
“I don’t want my girlfriend making it easier for other men”
— Ola, 27
I hope my girlfriend never becomes a stripper. It’s one thing for other men to ogle your woman; it’s another thing for her to make it easy for them.
