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The way the world is set up right now, there’s really no reason for anyone to leave their house. You can get food, groceries, and if you play your cards right, love can be delivered right to your doorstep. We know how.
Join dating sites
If you’re seriously looking for love, then spread your net wide and join all the available dating sites. That way, your love can come to you quickly.
Get your loved ones to set you up
Chances are the people in your life want you in a relationship more than you want it. Simply give them the go ahead and watch them work their magic to transform your relationship status to “taken”.
Become active on your socials
Have you seen all the “We met in the DMs” love stories? Get active on social media, sieve through your DMs and find the love of your life.
Call for a service
According to Hollywood, and sometimes Nollywood, all service men and women are hot. So consider ordering a box of pizza. Or get creative by starting a tiny fire in your house and wait for the firefighters to come in all their glory.
Pray
We suggest you go on your knees and beg whatever supreme being you believe in, so they can drag a lover to your front door with all your required specs.
Go back to your ex
If we’re being honest, there isn’t much left on the streets. It’s probably best you think long and hard, pick your best ex and tell them to act right this time.
Position yourself
If your house has a balcony, we suggest you take strategic positioning to heart and man that station day and night. Hopefully, the one for you will see you and kickstart your happily ever after.
Navigating life as a woman in the world today is interesting. From Nigeria to Timbuktu, it’ll amaze you how similar all our experiences are. Every Wednesday, women the world over will share their experiences on everything from sex to politics right here.
This week’s #ZikokoWhatSheSaid subject is a 29-year-old Nigerian woman who lives with her parents but hasn’t left her house since February. She talks about discovering the reclusive lifestyle during COVID and connecting better with online friends than those around her.
Have you always preferred solitude?
Yes, I’ve been an introvert for as long as I can remember. Right now, I only have one real-life friend — my best friend from primary school. We’ve drifted apart, but she still visits once in a while. I think she thinks I’m depressed or something, because I don’t leave my house. She doesn’t know I’ve never been happier. I don’t really get along with people, so I don’t make friends.
Why don’t you get along with people?
I don’t get people, and they don’t get me. Everyone is too busy pretending. I used to go to parties, and after the first hour of pretending to enjoy the meaningless dancing, shouting, drinking and “vibing”, I’d just sit somewhere, wondering if I really had to do that again for another entire hour, or worse, till daybreak.
It felt like doing reps at the gym, and after you manage to power through ten burpees, the trainer says you have four more sets. Shoot me, please. I don’t enjoy talking or listening to people talk. Mention one thing about being outside or in other people’s spaces that’s truly enjoyable. I struggled for a long time to understand it.
I’m not sure anything triggered it beyond me realising I don’t like doing this thing that seems natural to everyone else. It might seem like a disorder of some kind, but it’s not. It’s never affected my life in any meaningful way. I can go out and relate with people well. I just don’t enjoy it, so I’ve decided I don’t want to do it anymore, especially if it’s for no reason. Call it an extreme case of setting boundaries.
Do you know when you started feeling this way?
In university, at least ten years ago. Everyone is so bullied into extreme socialness at that stage, it quickly made me realise I preferred to stay in my hostel room. More than that, I’d encourage my roommates to go out and “enjoy” themselves. I loved it when the room was quiet and empty.
I could breathe, talk to myself, hear my inner dialogue clearer, write and doodle. I loved academics, so I’d focus on my term papers and projects. But honestly, right from primary school, I liked to keep to myself. I don’t have the same interests as most people in my environment, so what’s the point?
Tell me about your interests
Nothing special. I love to read fiction and historical nonfiction, listen to music, watch movies and TV shows, and play video games. What makes it hard for people to relate is I love dark, sad, often twisted things. It’s like darkness and tragedy are the only concepts I can absorb as entertainment.
Meanwhile, everyone’s pretentiously obsessed with light and cheer. When I explain what I like, a few people quickly respond with, “I like horror movies too”, but that’s not what I mean. Even horror gets cartoonish. I like realistic horror in the form of those “boring” drama films.
Now, I just enjoy my own company too much — being on my comfortable bed, in the dark, surrounded by things I actually love and enjoy, like my stuffed animals, gadgets and the internet.
When was the last time you left your comfortable bed?
I leave it all the time to go cook. Making my version of vegan and vegetarian recipes I see online is one of my favourite things to do. But if you’re asking when last I went outside, I’ve not stepped past my front door since my birthday in February [2022].
Ehn?
I get all the external experience I need from the internet. It’s easier to find people who like what you like when you have the whole world to choose from. I have close friends I’ve never met outside forums, who live in other countries, continents even. We bond over things like K-pop, Japanese fiction and Egyptian art; things I find fascinating that no Nigerian seems to have the mental range for.
What about grocery shopping for all that cooking?
Going to the market is something I’ve never done. Before my parents retired, my mum always had a maid she’d send. As an adult, I’d always get my groceries at a supermarket. Now, I just order for the house through a grocery delivery app the friend I mentioned earlier shared with me. They bring everything fresh.
Do you live alone?
Nope. That would require finding a place, going for apartment visits and spending a large sum on a place that’ll probably be trash. I’ve heard horror stories about house-hunting in Lagos and rogue agents. No, thank you. I still live with my parents, who mostly leave me to my side of our four-bedroom flat. These days, my online friends know more about me than my family members.
Actually, my parents are the reason I left my house on my birthday. They forced me out for lunch at a restaurant close to the house. But I’m 29. There’s only so much they can do.
When do you think you’ll go out again?
Who knows? Not soon. I’ve always hated going out during the Christmas holidays — with the ridiculous traffic, transport fare hikes and sheer amount of people just crowding everywhere worth visiting. I don’t do well with crowds, so it’s not like I can attend one of those concerts they’re always hyping. Maybe my next birthday?
And before this year’s birthday, when was the last time you went out?
I honestly don’t remember. But since that COVID lockdown period, I only remember going out for the occasional doctor’s appointment and to the cinema to watch A Quiet Place II and Black Widow. The lockdown wasn’t just a blessing to help reduce the viral spread, it helped me discover a lifestyle that works. I feel so healthy just staying indoors and minding my business. I have online subscriptions for yoga and workouts to stay fit, and an enclosed backyard for all the sunlight and fresh air I need, in case you think I’m unhealthy.
What about work?
I work remotely for a Belgium-based company. It’s a full-time job as a technical content writer, so I earn in dollars, and I don’t have to go anywhere. I got the job all thanks to Zikoko, actually. I was inspired by one of your Naira Life stories in 2020. The person got a remote US job through LinkedIn, and I was battling a boss who wanted me to fully return to the office right after the government called off the lockdown in May. I optimised my LinkedIn profile, quit that job and got the current one in under three months.
Imagine them wanting me to risk my life for ₦200k a month. In fact, while I worked in that big office, I remember constantly faking smiles, jokes and laughter just to seem normal. It used to kill me inside. I’d wait for someone to notice the fakeness and ask what was wrong. No one ever did. Instead, people talked about how happy and charismatic I was.
What about romantic relationships?
You’re about to laugh because my boyfriend is in the UK, so it’s long distance.
DFKM
Not to sound preachy, but once you stubbornly make up your mind on a lifestyle, things fall into place for it.
We met on IG in 2018 — I create content for fun, so I’m super active online — and started going out almost immediately. This was when I went out a bit more than I do now. But then, he relocated for school last year. I’m joining him for my own master’s with the May 2023 intake, so actually, I’ll probably leave my house next when I need to attend visa interviews and all that.
How do you feel about attending physical classes in the UK?
I can go out if I have to. I don’t have a mental disorder or anything. I just prefer not to. I’m sure I’ll adjust well to going out a lot more for a purpose I enjoy. A creative writing MFA has always been a dream of mine, so I’m beyond excited, actually. Just look forward to all the dark fiction I’ll put out in the next few years.
For more stories like this, check out our #WhatSheSaid and for more women like content, click here
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As much as you may want to stay indoors forever, that’s simply not possible. Well, it can be for the most part, but once in a while, you may find yourself outside.
So whether you’re an introvert or just sick of human beings, here’s how to enjoy parties as an introvert.
Prepare yourself
Shey you know that saying about failing to prepare and preparing to fail. So whether you’d take the days before the event to stay indoors and enjoy the solitude, or you’d start going to new places days before to ease yourself into going outside and socialising. Find whatever works for you and prepare yourself.
Know the guest list
Imagine going to a party where you don’t know anyone besides the host. You’d now be stuck with an unending chain of “what’s your name, how do you do?” questions.
At least you’ll have someone to gist with during the party. And since you’re already friends, there’ll be no pressure on you to force conversations.
Join the game
Sure, truth or dare may come up during the party, and you may be dared to make out with someone or show another person your underwear, but at least you’re not just sitting in a corner.
Nigerians like to talk, so don’t be surprised if you ask them one question and they respond by telling you about a million other things you don’t care about. Just make sure you nod your head at intervals, smile and throw in an “ehen?” or “hmmm” once in a while, so they think you’re paying attention.
Take breaks
Nobody can kuma beat you. If you’re feeling exhausted from all the socialising, just find somewhere you can go to be alone.
Have an exit plan
Even before you go, have a list of excuses urgent reasons why you need to leave. So if or when you get tired of the party, you can just slip out.
Sometimes introverts agree on plans to go out, only to start regretting it when the day of reckoning draws nearer. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or you don’t want to spend time with your friends; you’d just rather do it in the confines of your house. So here are some very practical excuses to help introverts cancel any outing.
Elections are coming
What type of citizen would you be if you chose to party, instead of staying indoors, praying for the country? It’s not even safe during these periods, so it’s better to stay in your house, watch and pray diligently.
You have Covid
This excuse is the only good thing that came out of this virus. Trust us, this excuse will get you out of any outing because who wants to get infected?
Just make sure you tell them over the phone, so you can punctuate your speech with a few coughs here and there.
The ground is moving
Yes, your flatmate had cake in the freezer and you ate it all because you were starving. And now the ground is shifting, your neck is turning, you’ve forgotten how to breathe, you think you’re gonna die.
They’ll immediately get it that you’ve had edibles and you can’t find your way out of the house.
Everyone knows Nigerian mothers are always dreaming up reasons for you to not go out. So just tell them your mother had a dream and they’ll not question you. I mean, what type of friend would ask you to disobey your own mother?
This is for people who stay on their own. Make sure you’ve started complaining about your landlord days before D-day. So on that day, just tell them somebody scratched the landlord’s car and now he’s not letting anybody in or out the compound.
Nobody will question you when you tell them you can’t leave the house with an almost-dead phone. End the call mid-sentence and put your phone on airplane mode. They’ll assume your phone died and go on with their plans. Beware of people who always carry power banks around sha.
You’re watching your neighbour’s pet
Your neighbour had a family emergency and had to travel for a few days, and he left his pet in your care. And surely, you can’t possibly abandon the poor thing to sit alone in your apartment.
Short and simple. You’re a slave to capitalism, so when your masters call, you answer.
Skincare is expensive
You can’t take the risk of being around other humans that could touch you and ruin all the progress you’ve started making.
There’s food at home
The oldest and most effective line in Nigerian history. Tell them you do not encourage bad behaviour in these trying times, and as such will not be eating out when you have food at home.
Antisocials are always looking for ways to dodge going out. They always have an Arsenal of excuses to use whenever they are invited out. They’re experts at dodging invitations and finding loopholes so they can lie down in bed all day. If you hear any of these 5 excuses, just know that they’re trying to avoid you and the outing. Hold their shirt.
1. “Oh shit, it’s today? I forgot.”
Even though you reminded them 17 times in the past 4 days.
2. “Ah I’m going for my cousin’s wedding that day oh.”
I know what you are thinking but hear me out. Open your mind. Science has shown that if your dog does any of the things on this list, it is introverted.
1) It doesn’t bark when it sees Miss Rona.
2) It doesn’t bark when thieves visit your house.
3) Your landlord walked all the way to your flat to ask for rent and bingo didn’t bark?
4) Nepa cut your wire and still no bark?
5) Your dog has never barked at “ghosts” before?
6) Your neighbour from you know what state feeds it regularly and it doesn’t bark.
If you are an introvert who would rather exist in isolation if you can help it, you know things get real for you a lot of time. But only a few things come close to when you have to start a new job and go into an unfamiliar territory. Do the following scenarios sound familiar to you?
The dread you feel the on the day before your first day
https://gph.is/g/aXx7nna
You like the promise your new job holds, but that also means a new space and new people to get used to. The anxiousness that starts on the eve of your first day can really be overwhelming.
You try to avoid everybody on your first day
https://gph.is/g/aXYpnRA
You’re the new kid on the block, so naturally, everyone wants to be nice to you. But all you want to do is to be as invisible as much as you can, so you try to avoid all contact and just bury yourself in the work.
You run off to the toilet every time you need a break
http://gph.is/2HDe9OJ
No one is really bothering you, but you feel their gazes on you. The clicking sound of keyboards and overlapping conversations is getting too much for you too, so you bolt to the bathroom to get your shit together. It really doesn’t work, but you have to try.
The horror you feel when you have to introduce yourself to your new co-workers
http://gph.is/1J5WLNK
New kid on the block duties means you have to let your new colleagues know who you are. You can manage if you have to do it on an inter-personal basis, but the amount of mental energy that goes into preparing for this if you have to stand in the middle of the office and introduce yourself is really exhausting.
You try your best to fit in ASAP so they wouldn’t think you are fake
You feel like they are giving you or your existence much thought, and you would really hate to the guy everyone thinks is the proud, fake co-worker, so you put on your best act to be as natural as much as possible, which is pretty exhausting and futile. You fit in eventually, but it’s a slow, agonising process.
You overthink every word you say every time you have to speak
Collaboration matters a lot in a workspace. You would prefer to be the resident mute, but you have to talk to people sometimes. You think about every single word you utter moments before you say them, and you think about them hours later, hoping they came out in the way you’d hoped.
