With the number of Nigerian doctors who’ve left the country, the last thing you want to do is get into physical fights that’ll land you in the hospital. But, make no mistake, it doesn’t mean you should be one everyone tramples upon. Let’s show you how to politely insult people and still leave your ops dead in a ditch.

How to politely insult people in English

We’ve already established that it isn’t wise to go physical and end up in the hospital. So what next? Insult your ops in sweet, subtle English language that will leave them second-guessing your true intentions.

You’re the reason God created the middle finger

It’s a slow burner. For a while, they’ll think you’re appreciating their finger before they figure it out. 

With all due respect

Then go ahead to fully disrespect the person. Don’t worry, you’ll get a free pass for first establishing respect.

Did I stutter?

When you’re in no mood to repeat yourself.

You’re consistently underwhelming 

Meaning sense is far from them.

You must have a lot of free time

Use this when they’re jobless and being a nuisance.

I envy anyone who’s never met you

When their stupidity is a pandemic.

I hope your day is filled with people like you

Because foolish people deserve each other. 

You’re not the best, but I chose you

They’ll focus on you “choosing them” before they see the emotional damage.

How to politely insult with big words

Big-worded insults often sound like compliments until the person checks the dictionary one week later and sees that you finished them. This is a smart way to politely insult people if you don’t want an immediate reaction.

Stop being sanctimonious 

They’ll think you’re likening them to Santa Claus before it hits.

You’re being uncouth

When it’s evident they don’t have home training.

You’re a bombastic element

This is old but gold.

Let’s not be obtuse 

The not-so-polite version? Let’s not be stupid.

How to politely insult in Pidgin English 

One good thing about insulting people in Pidgin is that your ops would’ve had a good laugh before they catch on that you’re roasting them.

You dey alright?

It’s the “I chose kindness” version of “Are you mad?”

You sure say you well so?

When you want to know if their brain is working.

You con be like better person

When you realise they’re actually trash.

Go hug transformer

When you want them to return to their creator. 

This thing no too jig

When they do stupid things.

As I see your shirt from afar, I don know sey na you

When they’re due for a complete wardrobe change.

You no too bright

AKA “dullard”.

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How to politely insult someone in an email

Who says you have to endure your co-worker or client moving mad on an email thread? The key to make it stop is to find ways to insult them professionally. They won’t know what hit them.

Regards

Avoid “warm” or “kind” to deliver maximum effect.

Please, test that assumption and take note of the response

Fuck around and find out.

Your opinion is noted and will be given the attention it deserves

When they give “gba” takes.

I’d love to agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong

When they say rubbish but you want to choose kindness.

Can you walk me through your thought process?

When the idea is so ridiculous you want to know how they arrived at it.

I can only explain it to you. I can’t understand for you

When the junior staff isn’t justifying their paycheck enough. 

I love what you’re trying to do

When they’ve done utter rubbish, but you give them an E for Effort.

I recall that quite differently 

When your team lead or co-worker is telling lies.