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  • 11 Ways To Know You Have A Spirit Husband Or Wife

    11 Ways To Know You Have A Spirit Husband Or Wife

    How can you know if you have a spirit husband or wife? The signs are many, and they can be easily missed if you are not observant. We have taken time to study the manifestation of these spirit partners, and now we have our proof. If you can relate to at least five of the things on this list, then you fall under the category of those who have a spirit husband or wife.

    1. You are eager to fall asleep.

    People are complaining about finding it difficult to sleep, but once your head touches the pillow like this, it’s sleep. Small breeze must not blow you like this, you are already in dreamland. Can’t you see that this is a sign that there is a spirit husband or wife waiting for you on the other side of life?

    2. You wake up aroused.

    30 minutes sleep and your John Thomas is harder than a rock. What did you do in the dreamland if it’s not that your spirit husband or wife gave you head in your sleep? Think about it.

    3. You eat in your dreams.

    How To Know You Are A Certified Foodie | Zikoko! %

    Oh you think spirit people are not feeling the pinch of the economy too? But you fall asleep and they are preparing a table before you. If you don’t realise that the food came from the spirit husband or wife you are married to, we don’t know what else to say to you.

    4. You have wet dreams.

    Your spirit partner was romancing you when you woke up by mistake. Assuming you did not wake up in time, it would have led to coitus. Lucky you, spirit men kuku know where the G-spot is. Imagine waking up to find your legs shaking. Ayayayaya.

    5. You have romantic dreams.

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    You fall asleep, next thing, you are running around a palm tree on the beach and “Angel of my Life” is playing in the background. Who else would be doing that if not your spirit partner? That’s another sign oh.

    6. You smile in your sleep.

    Who is making you smile? Quick, answer us. Oh, you cannot talk? LMAO. Happy married life. May this spirit marriage do you well.

    7. You wake up with aches all over your body.

    Perhaps you have starved your spirit partner of sex and they used that opportunity to put you in 70 positions in 30 minutes. There’s no other explanation for that ache. It’s your spirit partner collecting the mekwe you owe them.

    8. You wake up feeling refreshed.

    If you wake up feeling refreshed, there’s no doubt about it: your spirit partner is good at what they do. Maybe they gave you a massage with happy ending. See how you are glowing. Spirit preek dey sweet oh.

    9. You are single in real life.

    Let me ask you: if you are dating someone, would you want them to be taken by someone else? Oho. Now look at this: you have a spirit partner in the other world, and you are expecting to find love on this earth, it can’t work out. If you are single, better stop searching and prepare your pillow. Your spirit partner is waiting for you.

    10. You assume sexual positions when you sleep.

    You are going to bed but you are assuming doggy position. Who are you deceiving? You better print your wedding card and figure out how to transport your friends to the dream world so they can attend your wedding.

    11. You are angry when you are woken from sleep.

    Think about it: if it’s not that you are angry about being separated from your spiritual partner, why should you squeeze your face in disgust when you are woken up? You better start praying now. We have kuku said our own.

    [donation]

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 9 Clear Signs That Your Gen Z Coworker Likes You

    9 Clear Signs That Your Gen Z Coworker Likes You

    Having a Gen Z coworker can be very fun when they like you. When they don’t, it’s more hostile than living with Nigerian parents. Here are 9 signs that your Gen Z coworker likes you… as friends.  

    1. They send you memes or TikToks

    If your Gen Z coworker sends you memes or funny TikTok videos, you’ve made it. You’re alright, not necessarily cool, but alright.  

    2. They have called you bestie once 

    This is one of the highest levels of respect a Gen Z coworker can give you. Don’t try saying it back though, you might sound sus. 

    3. They are comfortable making millennial jokes with you 

    The thing with millennials is, they can have a mean temper. If your Gen Z coworker is comfortable making millennial jokes with you, it’s because they are sure you know it’s good-natured fun. 

    4. They let you follow them on social media 

    Gen Z’s are very pro setting boundaries, especially in the workspace. If they let you follow them on social media, they like you, they’d also be impressed that you could find them easily. 

    5.  They might make you a playlist 

    If they make you a playlist or recommend songs to you, they either think your taste in music slaps, or they want to make your taste in music better. Either way, it means they like you.  

    6. They give you advice based on your zodiac sign

    Gen Z only gives a shit about the zodiac signs of people they care about. If they give you zodiac compatibility advice or send you weekly zodiac sign predictions, you’ve made it. 

    7. They let you use Gen Z slang without mocking you 

    One thing Gen Z won’t do is be a gatekeeper, especially not for slang. You’re just less likely to get mocked for using the slang wrong if they like you. 

    8. They check in on you 

    This is the final boss that shows that your Gen Z coworker likes you. They care about mental health, a lot. If they regularly check on your mental health, they care about you and want you to be fine. 

    9. They let you give them advice

    Gen Z’s are very sure of what they want, believe in and want to do. If you find yourself being asked for advice by your Gen Z coworker, it means they rate you, congratulations. 

    If you liked this, you’d like: 15 Nigerian Gen Z’ers Tell Us What They Really Think About Nigerian Millennials

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 6 Nigerians Talk About Being Chased By Animals And Why They Hate Them

    6 Nigerians Talk About Being Chased By Animals And Why They Hate Them

    It’s normal to hear Nigerians talk about how they hate certain animals because of bad experiences they had with them. We asked six Nigerians what it’s like being chased by an animal and what their relationship with that animal is like now.

    Chineye, 20

    Mine happened in JSS2 on my way home with some friends. While walking, the conversation was so fun, we decided to take a longer route home. Everything was fine until we saw a boy running towards us. We turned around and saw this big hen pursuing him and started running ourselves. My friends ran in different directions, but I somehow wound up running in the same direction as the boy. We ended up on top of someone’s car, and that’s when I noticed that the stupid boy had stolen two chicks. The hen started flying and pecking at us, lord knows I saw my life flash before my eyes. I didn’t touch or eat chicken till 2019 because my mum started selling them, and we had to kill them ourselves.

    Obioha, 24

    One of my worst experiences with dogs had to be on my first day of school in JSS1. My parents decided that I could get to a new school on my own and I got lost. I eventually found my way to school, but I was late and got flogged. When school ended, I decided to follow some of my classmates that had mentioned that they lived close to my house. They made me trek but I didn’t mind because I figured that this time I wouldn’t get lost, and I could save my money. I wish I had just entered a bus that day. Sha, we got close to a football field and saw people running towards us and into people’s houses. My mum had told me not to follow the crowd when things like that happened, so I kept walking. It’s still the stupidest decision I have ever made in my life. The dogs I saw that day were tall and big rottweilers. These dogs chased me around, and they were fast. I ran in the wrong direction and ended up hitting my head on a tree and fainting. When I woke up people had gathered around me. All I remember was that my friends took me home, and I was quiet the whole day. Till today, I hate dogs and I don’t visit people that have dogs.

    Simi, 25

    My neighbour’s son had 6 dogs of different breeds. He’d take them on walks, and the whole estate preferred to stay in while he did that. That unfaithful day, I was outside when he took them for their walk. This boy was my older brother’s friend, he was in his twenties, and I was 16. He’d been disturbing me, asking me to go out with him, but I refused. It made the incident feel malicious. I saw him and the dogs while I was running errands, and I’m still not sure if he released those dogs on purpose, but one minute I was walking and the next minute, dogs were chasing me. They chased me out of the estate and into First bank, where the security guy quickly shut the gates. I was so shocked, I started crying. Nigerians can be very unsympathetic, some customers at the ATM queue were laughing and it was humiliating.

    When I eventually got myself together and went home, I met him In front of my gate laughing while recounting the story to my brother. I haven’t spoken to him to this day and I still don’t like dogs. Not even those parlour dogs that people claim are nice, na them they mad pass.

    Eli, 22

    I went to a boarding school, and we used to have so many cats on the fence, especially at night and early in the morning. There were many rumours about the cats, especially because it was a Christian school and Nigerians think cats are evil. One evening after night prep, while running to go for night devotion, I left my water bottle in class. I went back after devotion to look for it but it was already stolen. As I was walking back to my hostel I saw something with bright eyes beside me. I thought it was a snake, so naturally, I ran. When I turned around I realized that it was a cat. I don’t know if the cat thought it was a game, but that cat chased me. The girls at the tap area in front of my hostel saw me running towards them, they didn’t even wait to see what I was running from. Those girls ran inside the hostel and locked me out. I ended up running towards the gate man’s house, and he helped me pursue the cat with a stick. The chaplain was called the next day to pray for me just in case it was a bad spirit pursuing me which was a bit extra.

    All my friends and the housemistress were so nice to me for a while until everyone forgot about it. I am queer, so it’s always a red flag when I tell women I like, that I hate cats. Why does having a cat have to be a queer thing? They are so mean.

    Teidou, 22

    It was a Sunday and I decided not to go to church. I attended a military school, missing activities like that meant hiding out of sight from teachers, seniors, house mistresses and soldiers. My friends and I decided that we would hide in the biology lab. As we were walking towards the lab, we saw people running from afar, shouting that a cow was pursuing them. I ended up falling on my face, got injured and was taken to the sickbay. There was punishment waiting for me when I got better so that sucked. I am still afraid of cows but it doesn’t stop me from eating cow meat, it’s just payback for the scar I got.

    Azeezat, 21

    When I remember what happened to me that day, it gives me so much joy to eat chicken. I grew up in the UK, so we didn’t get to see farm animals or anything that wasn’t a dog unless you went to a petting zoo. We used to travel to Nigeria often until we decided to settle here permanently. I was 4 the first time I remembered coming to Nigeria. We went to visit an uncle that had a farm and I asked him if I could feed the chicks. All I did was stretch out my hand, and the mother hen decided that I wanted to kill them. She chased me around, and all the adults were laughing, no one did anything to stop her. I was so certain that she wanted to kill me. Forgetting that incident has been hard, they still scare me.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 7 Reasons Why Nigerians Will Survive In A Horror Movie

    7 Reasons Why Nigerians Will Survive In A Horror Movie

    If a Nigerian was put in all those horror movie situations where people make stupid decisions and die, there is a hundred per cent chance that the Nigerian might end up killing the scary guy. Here are 7 reasons why.

    1. They won’t move into a cursed house

    No force dead or alive can convince a Nigerian to move into a house everyone thinks is cursed. They are far too superstitious for that. That horror movie will end in the beginning.

    2. They won’t follow anyone to the cemetery

    Except it’s for a burial, you’d never find a Nigerian casually walking around a cemetery. Especially, not at night.

    3. They wouldn’t participate in an exorcism

    No Nigerian teenager in their right mind would consider delivering someone “possessed” without the help of a professional.

    4. They wouldn’t keep picking calls from unknown numbers

    If you’ve seen Nigerians insult services providers that call to advertise, or people that call their numbers by mistake, you’d know that this is a bad Idea. If you call to scare them, they will just insult your generation.

    5. If ghosts are playing with the lights, they’d think it’s Nepa moving mad

    Their minds won’t even think it’s a ghost playing with the light when we already have Nepa doing that for us everyday.

    6. Nobody can pursue you with a knife because there would be traffic

    Imagine trying to pursue someone to kill them in Nigeria? By the time you sit down in two hours of traffic, all the ginger to kill would have died. Plus, Nigerians will catch you and burn you with tire and that would be the end of the horror movie.

    7.  Nigerians don’t do forest hikes

    Why would anyone walk into a forest to hike for fun? Inside that forest, kidnappers would have even kidnapped the horror movie killer anyways.

    10 Reasons Why Nigerians Won’t Survive An Apocalypse

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • How To Choose A Career In Nigeria

    How To Choose A Career In Nigeria

    Imagine considering the luxury of choosing a career? Nigerian kids could never. Not when principalities and powers are out to frustrate and stress you, here are 6 ways Nigeria chooses a career for you.

    1. Your parents choose  

    Nigeria or your strict parents will choose a career for you. Your mother already decided since your naming ceremony that she wants to be called mama doctor, how dare you tell her that you want to be a photographer? When God gave man the power to choose, he did not include Nigerian kids, please.

    2. Your grades choose for you 

    When you get into SS1, most Nigerian secondary schools do this thing where they put kids in arts, science and commercial class based on their junior secondary school performances in those subjects. What’s your principal’s business with your dream of being the next Ben Carson? You failed basic science twice which means you should become a lawyer instead, get with the program.

    3.  Your Jamb score chooses 

    If you successfully scammed your parents and your principal into letting you study what you want, you’d still have to deal with Jamb. These guys will mess you up, give you fake scores and even tell you you didn’t sit for the exams. Jamb is basically that one video game level that makes you give up on the game. 

    4. Your university chooses

    If you eventually pass your Jamb exams, there’d be “post utme” exams waiting to stress your life. You’ll apply for a particular course but maybe you didn’t meet the cut, now you’re stuck doing CRS education for four years, just to end up having a career as a social media manager.

    5. Sapa chooses

    You might have even studied a course you liked, graduated with honours and done your NYSC, and in true Nigerian fashion, your parents might stop sending you money.  When you and Sapa become best friends, you’d end up choosing a career in a field far from what you studied.  That’s why we have plenty of zoologists working as bankers. The game is the game. 

    6.  Nepotism chooses

    Sometimes, that uncle or auntie that promises you a job after school comes through, except it’s hardly ever in a field you want. Choosing a career in Nigeria is a game of tinko tinko with a sprinkle of chess, and there are no winners. 

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • How To Make A Herbal Medicine Advert In Nigeria

    How To Make A Herbal Medicine Advert In Nigeria

    Nigerians want natural remedies for everything. From minor issues to things that may need surgery, agbo or some well-packaged variation is all they need.

    So if you’ve been wondering how to sell your latest herbal product, let Zikoko hook you up with a guide on how to market herbal medicine to Nigerians.

    1. The packaging must be green 

    How else will people know that it was made with natural ingredients? Green signifies health and growth, Nigerians like things like that, just look at our national flag. Okay maybe not that flag, that’s a red flag.

    2. It must be affordable 

    If your herbal medicine isn’t affordable, and by affordable, we mean ₦50-₦100, you’re deceiving yourself because who will buy it? Times are hard, dollar is rising and we’re saving for japa. If your medicine is not affordable, what is small sickness that we can’t manage?

    3. It must cure Staphylococcus aureus 

    And all the aureuses [pronounced arus] in the world. You don’t even have to know what it means but it is guaranteed to make your advert stand out. Nigerians like to hear big words. 

    4. It must have an Interesting name 

    If you want to capture the hearts and pockets of your customers, make the name of your herbal medicine interesting. Think “Dr Kehinde’s fast relief”, “Blessed Miracle cleanser”, “Ajase-Ipo tonic super powder.” “Ojuelegba low sperm count destroyer.” “Professor Emmanuel’s womb cleanser’ ”. Be creative! 

    5. Your product must use buzz words 

    You have a lot of competition and people have short attention spans. You have to use words and illnesses that will quickly catch their attention. Words like “infection, rheumatism, waist pain, low sperm count, jedi jedi” The more the merrier. 

    Nigerians love it when one drug can cure many things, especially headaches and body pain because being a Nigerian is tiring. 

    6. It must be useful for people’s sex lives

    Don’t overthink this and don’t ask why. Just make sure your herbal medicine can cure low sperm count, fix erectile dysfunction (which you MUST describe as ‘weak erection’), thicken watery sperm, etc. Nigerians can be hush-hush about sex, so when people rush your product you might think it’s because many people have headaches. That’s not what they’re buying it for. At all.

    7. Have a funny jingle 

    Remember, there’s no need to pay for radio or TV advertisements. Just buy a big megaphone, place it in the middle of a major market and have someone market your herbal medicine wearing a blazer over a t-shirt no matter how hot the sun is. If little kids can’t recite your wildly inappropriate jingle unprovoked, you need to change it. 

    8. Make sure it contains ginseng and moringa 

    This guarantees that older Nigerians will buy your product. Ginseng is ginger that studied abroad and Nigerians believe that ginger can cure everything. Moringa helps lower your blood pressure. The lower it is, the less likely you are to fight people on the road for no reason.  

    9. Be incredibly graphic when describing the diseases that your medicine treats.

    Who gives a shit that you’re in a public bus where people might be eating things like gala and yoghurt? You have medicine to sell, and you will scream at everybody in that danfo about the milky discharge that comes with staphylococcus aureus until they either buy what you’re selling or throw up in disgust. It’s their call, to be honest.

    10. Now you’re ready to sell your own herbal medicine

    Go forth and froth. Whatever your eye sees, we’re not there. 

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 7 Lies Nigerian Parents Tell Their Kids

    7 Lies Nigerian Parents Tell Their Kids

    Nigerian parents tell lies a lot. If lying was a course they would have a first-class degree. The worst part is that most times, no one provokes them to tell these lies. Here are some of their most popular lies.  

    1. Go and wear your slippers, I’ll wait for you 

    This was the beginning of their betrayal because they really could have just said no. Instead, they chose to give a whole generation abandonment issues. Good one boss.

    2. I don’t have a favourite child 

    My dear even God has his favourites, who then are Nigerian parents? Do not be deceived, it’s a human thing to have someone you like best. We all know the favourite child in each family sha, wahala for who be only child. 

    3. If boys touch you, you’ll get pregnant 

    To be fair, this is not a lie. They just refused to add which part of your body should be off-limits until you are ready. Nigerian parents would rather lie than give their kids proper sex education, nawa. 

    4. I always came first 

    If all of them always came first, who came second? I know there are plenty of schools in Nigeria but for fucks sake. 

    5. I never did this to my parents 

    Sorry oh, overall best in good behaviour. Since they are all saints, maybe somebody had to do it to you for character development. 

    6. Borrow me, I will give you back 

    This is one of the oldest lies told to man. Nigerian mothers are experts at telling this lie. From the start, they had no intention of returning it. Imagine borrowing your mum money and what you get back in return is trust issues.

    7. I will buy you a bicycle if you pass your exams 

    Nobody should come and say not all parents because nobody asked you. The worst part about this lie is that half the time, nobody even asked for the bicycle. Nigerian parents are wrong for this sha, but we still love them. 

    QUIZ: How Much Of A Nigerian Parent Will You Be?

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • The Zikoko Guide To Manifesting A Good Monday

    The Zikoko Guide To Manifesting A Good Monday

    Manifesting a good Monday is not as hard as you’d think. As a Nigerian, you already know to expect the worst, it’s time to channel that bad energy into good manifestation and we have a few tips.

    1. Do not fight your neighbour

    Your day could start so much better if you don’t spend half an hour cursing your neighbour, not even in your head. Did they leave their generator on for an entire night? Yes. Was it annoying? Yes. Do you think they are into money laundering? Yes, but that’s not the point. Manifesting a good Monday is easy, just ignore them, shikena. 

    2. Have breakfast

    A hungry person is an angry person, and an angry person is the devil’s workshop. If food is inside your stomach, you are less likely to want to kill anybody that tries to talk to you, and you’d be in a good mood. This Information is tested and trusted by the foodie association of Nigeria

    3. Enter a bike

    Not every time comfort. For one Monday, ride a bike from your house to your office, let the breeze touch your face and your one life flash before your eyes. Cheating death has a way of putting you in a good mood. 

    4. Do something that sparks joy

    Treat yourself Monday should be a thing. Deceive your brain into thinking that you are happy. The joy good food gives is underrated and underappreciated but it doesn’t have to be food, it could be buying that shoe that has been sitting in your cart for a month. 

    5.  Make a fire playlist

    Music makes everything better. All those songs that have been stuck in your head, put them in one playlist. Listen to it while you take a bath, workout, rush to work and help yourself manifest a good Monday.  

    6. Don’t open your email until Tuesday

    I promise you, nobody will die. Will you possibly lose your job or get reported to HR? Yes, but the point is that nobody will die.

    7. Don’t look at your account balance

    After spending money you shouldn’t have during the weekend, the best thing you can do is to ignore the lies in your account balance. Don’t check it, especially not on Monday so you don’t fuck up your mood.

    8. Don’t go out

    Extend your weekend. How could Monday sneak up on you like that? Who made anyone the chief commander of calendar days? For clear skin, extend your weekend and sleep in abeg, stress is not your portion. 

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 Types Of People You’ll Find In A Salon

    10 Types Of People You’ll Find In A Salon

    An interesting thing about salons is the different kinds of people you’ll find there. Nigerians on a normal day are already strange, but it’s almost like being in a salon unleashes a whole other level of weird behaviour in us. Here are 10 types of people you’ll find in a salon.

    1. The one that is always asleep

    If you can fall asleep while getting your hair braided, you are either a demon or have a hair-pulling fetish. God, in his creation, never intended for anyone’s hair to be pulled the way Nigerian hairstylists pull them. How can a normal person sleep through that? Omo. 

    2. The complainer

    This person always has something to bitch about while their hair is being made. “It’s too tight.” “The braids are not the same size.” “You are too slow.” We can’t blame people that complain sha. When hairdressers have broken your heart many times, you’ll learn how to complain to get what you want. 

    3. The one that is always eating

    From the moment they enter the salon till they leave, these types of people always have something to munch on. Hairstylists that are smart sell drinks and snacks because of  people like these

    4. The impatient one

    These types of people make it clear from the start that they have no intention of spending their entire day at the salon. They don’t always go about it in the best way, but when you consider that Nigerians have a solid zero in time management, their actions are valid. 

    5. The gist lover

    These people are hair stylists’ best customers. They come often enough to know the regulars so when the hairstylist is gossiping about them, they are interested enough to listen. They treat making their hair like therapy, spilling all the tea about their life. 

    6. The happy helper

    Like the impatient person, the happy helper wants to be done as soon as possible. They just go about it differently. They come to the salon with their hair prewashed, help the hairstylist cut attachment, help braid the tips of their hair. Anything to be done as soon as possible. 

    7. The latecomer

    This person goes to the salon once every two months because they are not about that stressful life. Whenever they have the energy to go, they make sure to get there late. We don’t even blame hairstylists for fucking up.  If you were making someone’s hair from 6 pm to 10 pm, you’d do rubbish too. Maybe try going on time for once?

    8. The Instagram copy cats

    Nigerian hair stylists hate people like these because they always want the stylists to recreate expensive styles found online but with small budgets. No, your hairstylist is not bad at their job. You brought subpar products for an expensive hairstyle, dear. 

    9. The one on their phone the entire time

    Unlike the happy helper, this person has no intention of helping the stylist reduce their work. They don’t even try to make conversation. They just stay on their phones for hours. They always carry a power bank with them too because boredom is not their portion. 

    10. The quiet one 

    When these types of people go to the salon, they don’t complain. Instead, they let the hairstylist make a style that isn’t the least bit close to what they showed them. Everyone in their life is tired of watching them cry after every new hair appointment. Try to speak up, please. A closed mouth is a closed destiny. 

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 Tattoos That Will Get You Disowned

    10 Tattoos That Will Get You Disowned

    If you want to get disowned by your Nigerian parents, Try any of these tattoos in this article. Don’t message us when it works sha.

    1. The chessboard

    First of all, no one wants to see this on a human being. At least wait until your parents have added you to their will. Everything is so expensive. 

    2. The Village people on crack

    How do you even get a tattoo like this and not have nightmares? This picture is probably the origin story of Karashika. If you are trying to label yourself so your village people can find you easily this will work. Get ready to be disowned!

    3. Eye don’t work

    Of all the tattoos you can get on earth, this is by far the most foolish. Not only do the eyes not work, but you’ll be walking around scaring random people for no reason.

    4. The Louis Vuitton beard

    Trying to grow beards stress Nigerian parents, but since you are on a path of destruction, you can just tattoo your beards instead. D for? Disowned.

    5. Love na bastard

    Because nothing else would drive someone to do something like this. If you want to be disowned, you should get this tattoo

    6. Bill almost Clinton

    This tattoo will make sure you don’t get a visa because of the blatant disrespect for that man’s face, which will, in turn, lead to you getting disowned, but by all means, carry on.

    7. The inked nightmare

    If you are against your peace of mind and your partner’s good sleep, you can get this tattoo. Good luck.

    8. Avocado lovers

    If you can get this tattoo with your full chest, knowing how much people hate avocados, what’s a little disownment to you? Please, go for it.

    9. The cat’s butthole

    If you are trying to score points with cats by getting this tattoo, it won’t work sha and you’ll just get ignored.  If your parents see it though, they’ll pay attention to you at least and you’ll get disowned since that’s what you want.

    10. The destiny sucker

    How do you even hide or explain a tattoo like this to Nigerian parents? Abeg, don’t try this tattoo.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 Types Of Private Hostels Around Unilag

    10 Types Of Private Hostels Around Unilag

    Hostels around Unilag are God’s worst punishment to man. If you don’t like staying on campus or you are just too bougie for that campus hostel life, and you are looking for hostels around Unilag the things you will see will scar you for life, but at least you’d be prepared for life outside of your parent’s house. 

    1. The one that never has light or network

    As a human being in this time and era, I don’t have to tell you that this is a red flag. If an agent takes you to a hostel around Unilag and the generator looks like it hasn’t been used in years or people are sitting outside in the afternoon, you better run. 

    2. The mixed hostel

    Whatever expectations you have for this hostel, just throw it all away. It will suck, especially if you have to share a kitchen space or laundry space. All the dirty disgusting things you will see, flesh and blood will reveal it to you. Don’t try looking for love here, nobody wants to spend a year avoiding an ex in the same building.

    3. The one built on a quiet street

    This is never a good sign because that means there’s no restaurant, provisions store, hairstylist or anything close by. It will end in premium tears. If you do not see kids on that street the first time you go there, block your agent. 

    4. The overpriced one 

    The worst thing about this type of hostel around Unilag is the audacity. They are usually small and tight and all they offer is stable light which really shouldn’t be a thing and they’ll have the audacity to tell you that it’s over a million Naira. Yes girl, give us nothing. In all this, I blame Unilag and the people that still go ahead to pay. Also, they get robbed a lot because people expect the occupants to be rich. 

    5. The underpriced one

    These are a money-laundering front for sure. They are usually moderately priced with good water, light and they even take care of maintenance by themselves. They don’t stress you out and it’s almost like they handpicked people with good attitudes and manners. I still think you should run sha, nothing can ever be that good. 

    6. The one in Bariga 

    First of all, the point of going to Unilag is living near Unilag and no, Bariga is not near Unilag. Don’t let your friends deceive you, even Pako is not near Unilag. If you are spending up to 500 hundred Naira on transport, that’s a problem. Another thing is the water. There is a whole ass canal in there, so when it rains you will hate yourself but at least the hostels in there are cheaper-ish. 

    7. The face-me-I-slap-you

    The funniest thing about these types of hostels around Unilag is that it’s not even one of the cheapest options around, the maintenance is just really poor. There are so many obvious problems that come with living in a place like this, for instance: Your neighbours will be a proper family unit and they will steal and borrow everything you own. The landlords that own buildings like these are always against growth so no, you can’t repaint that dirty brown wall or bring in that nice furniture because he will end up charging you ten times more than everyone else.  

    8. The partially refurbished family house

    Sometimes, this is one of the better types of hostels around Unilag you’ll find. Because it was built for people that care about each other, it’s always big and spacious but since this is Nigeria, something must disappoint you. Nothing in that hostel will work well, not taps, showers, cupboards, fans, absolutely nothing. Maintenance? Do you mean the same people that repainted and installed bunk beds into their family house and did nothing else, you think they’ll take care of repairs? Nothing like that dear. 

    9. The apartment

    Or at least that’s what your agent will call it. If you are planning to rent a hostel around Unilag just prepare yourself for disappointment and if you find yourself being happy with the place you finally selected, that’s a red flag. It’s only around Unilag that you will rent an “Apartment” and buy both the front door and every other door in the house. If you’ve never lived alone maybe don’t try this option. Do you know how expensive curtains are?

    10. The boarding school structure

    If you have really bad luck and you end up in a hostel like this, here’s what to expect: You will at the very least, pay three hundred thousand Naira to live in the same room with 5 other people only to be given boarding house rules. You can’t let guys in until 3 pm and they must leave before 9.  No drinking, smoking or parties which is fair since you have to respect the fact that you are living with other people. You will have a strict midnight curfew, A house mistress that hates everyone’s guts and they can decide to evict you for making too much noise. You might as well just be living with your parents.  

    If you enjoyed reading this article, you should read this.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 11 Annoying Nigerian Insults Kids Used To Say

    11 Annoying Nigerian Insults Kids Used To Say

    Children are foolish, but they can also be very wicked and rude. They look and act cute so most people forget just how mean these devil underlings are. If you grew up in Nigeria, some kid probably said one of these to you. 

    1. Askor

    This was just uncalled for because it mostly came after a fight or after asking someone an important question. English kids call this speak to the hand, kids that used to say this probably lack good communication skills now.

    2. Amebo curry curry

    If you were a busy body growing up, you lowkey deserved hearing this ridiculous insult. Why weren’t you minding your business?

    3. Ask my yansh

    This is usually followed by a slap on their butt. I personally admire the sass but lord knows that it hurt a lot back then when they said this.

    4. Te te ten naira bus

    This one goes out to all of you that just had to report any small thing growing up. They definitely sang this song a lot for you growing up and rightfully so.

    5. Cry, cry, baby

    When adults sing this to crying children, it hurts, but when children sing this? It destroys all of your self-esteem and you’d just keep crying the whole day

    6. Nntor nn caterpillar mess

    It’s wild that kids were saying this and their parents were still calling them leaders of tomorrow. Why couldn’t they just say sorry like human beings?

    7. Tambolo

    If you had the unfortunate tendency to be shorter than every other kid, you definitely heard this nickname a lot. On the bright side, they used to call ants tambolo too and ants are hardworking when they are not destroying your kitchen. That’s something

    8. Waka

    Of all the annoying things kids used to say, this was the most silent and offensive. Five fingers pointed at you in utmost disgust.

    9. Tear tear, patch patch

    Kids are very heartless, what is their business with your parents struggling to mend your school uniform all the time? If they see a hole in your clothes they have to chant this, the game is the game. 

    10. Begi begi e no good oh

    I want to believe that this was the beginning of Nigeria’s problem with communicating properly. The words yes or no exist for a reason but what did they care?

    11. Bombastic element

    This makes no sense in every way of the world, but it used to make us cry a lot as kids. Make it make sense

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 Silliest Nigerian Secondary School Slangs

    10 Silliest Nigerian Secondary School Slangs

    Secondary school slangs were very unnecessary. They made transitioning into adults in university difficult, especially if you attended a boarding school. Here’s a list of some of the worst ones.

    1. Jonz

    You’d ask someone for help or for a favour and they’ll say “Don’t Jonz” as in, don’t even think about it, give up. First of all, why? Who is Jonz? Or is it Jones? And secondly, do they know their name is being used for nonsense?

    2. Fap

    This secondary school slang was tricky because for guys it meant masturbation but it could also mean steal. Which totally makes sense in a twisted way.

    3. Sap\owu

    This one is now popularly known as Sapa but back then, it used to mean a shortage of all provisions. That’s when people used to eat the weirdest combinations because of poverty.

    4. Chow

    As the name suggests, it meant to eat but because secondary school slangs are created for teenagers, eating could be anything. That’s all we have to say.

    5. Banged

    As an adult, this has a new meaning but in secondary school, it was mostly used when you failed, as in you banged a test.

    6. Jacking

    If you went to a boarding school, chances are your locker probably got jacked at least once. This is when someone uses an iron bucket to break a padlock, we won’t be taking further questions.

    7. Dubs

    This is just a teenager’s weird way of saying that they cheated in a test of exams. For example, Ibukun dubbed the further Maths from Itohan during exams.

    8. Shred

    Because teenagers, like children, can be a little childish in their ways, they do not deal with rejection well, hence the existence of this slang. This secondary school slang was mostly used when someone asks for something and gets denied. E.g My dad shredded me when I asked him for one million naira.

    9. Akagum

    If you are tightfisted, this slang is not new to you. Basically, Akagum means someone that cannot give, you are stingy and have no joy.

    10. Stab

    A lot of these slangs made no sense but this one makes the least sense. If you went missing during assembly, a normal friend would say, oh you missed assembly but secondary school kids would say you stabbed assembly. Which is not overdramatic at all.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 Types Of Guys You’ll Find On Dating Apps

    10 Types Of Guys You’ll Find On Dating Apps

    Using dating apps is a total gamble and a humbling experience. If you ever plan on downloading a dating app, here are 8 types of men you will find there. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

    1. The one that is serious about marriage

    This man is there for one reason only: to find a wife. His bio tells you immediately — Richard 34, Christian, doesn’t drink or smoke, is conservative (in Nigeria?), wants kids, works at a good job, followed by three pictures of him in the same outfit and one either at his office, with his mum or his nephews. Of all the types of guys you’d find on dating apps, he is surprisingly the least annoying.

    2. The one that is there for good vibes

    This guy is not there for anything serious, he goes straight to the point and tells you that he wants to hook up soon. if it’s a no, he immediately blocks you, no time to waste time and you should be happy because he is definitely a creative. Honestly, everyone should aspire to perspire to be as honest as he is. He is here for a good time, not a long time and that itself is a fine art to master.

    3. The one that thinks he is on 2go

    His name is something silly like Mr Pwesh23. He kills every conversation you try to have with him with his one-worded replies and answers simple questions in the most stupid ways for someone that has “If you are boring, swipe left” in his bio. If you see this guy and you will, do yourself a favour and avoid him because next thing you know, he’d want to hook up.

    4. The one that tells you nothing about himself

    Yes boo, give us nothing. You’d be lucky if he has pictures of himself at all, and when he does, it won’t be clear. As for his bio? It’ll be empty. You’d find yourself wondering if he created a profile by mistake, he almost makes the 2go guy look good.

    5. The travel agent

    You can’t tell if this guy is doing yahoo or if he’s just rich and likes travelling a lot. He has the flags of every single country he has ever visited in his bio, and he’s always looking to meet people in whatever new city he finds himself in. In his bio, he lets you know that what he wants in a partner is someone willing to travel the world with him.

    6. The one that got away

    There’s no better way to describe this guy, his bio is unproblematic, he is gorgeous and has values and ideals that match with yours but your brain and fingers have other plans and now you swiped left and you might never see him again, pele.

    7. The sugar daddy

    He immediately lets you know that he wants to take care of you and spoil you, he also talks about how much he likes sex so that you know that he isn’t looking for a second wife. Unlike the one that is looking for marriage, he doesn’t add pictures of his wife and kids, and whatever age he puts in his bio, you should add 10 to it.

    8. The one that is on a dating app looking for friends

    The worst thing about meeting shitty guys on dating apps are these types of guys. He genuinely isn’t looking for a relationship at all but the problem is, he is one of the very few decent ones on the app, at least you found a friend so maybe that’s something.

    9. The fitness instructor

    It can only go two ways with this guy, he either has pictures of his abs everywhere or enough fitness motivational quotes in his bio to rival a yahoo boy.  This guy only has pictures of himself at the gym and works at self-employed. If you are lucky, there will be a shirtless mirror selfie for you to look at.

    10. The yahoo boy

    These guys win the championship cup as the worst types of guys on dating apps, mostly because they are there to catfish. Sure there’s a white guy called Greg Chapman that finished from Harvard but is living in Oshodi or Becca who is a flight attendant that lives in Shomolu. One point for the ridiculous lies sha. E for effort.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 Primary School Assembly Songs That Were Bangers

    10 Primary School Assembly Songs That Were Bangers

    There are many unforgettable songs we all sang during assembly in primary school.  We don’t get to sing them as often these days because we’re older and depressed due to the crushing weight of capitalism, but as soon as you hear them, you are instantly transported back to easier times. We made a list of the ten best assembly songs.

    1. Wherever you go

    If you don’t immediately chant “go go gongo” you are bad vibes. This was one of the best ways to end a very long term, especially if you attended a boarding school. This assembly song deserves special recognition in Nigeria’s hall of fame.

    Baba Ibadan’s spirit when 200 people shout his name at once.

    2. Oh my home

    Students were wild for singing this song in the morning’s while they marched to their various classes because why were they missing a home they left just a few hours ago? I don’t even blame them. You’d sing war songs too if you were learning 14-16 subjects a day. 

    3. Today is Friday

    “Everybody likes it” and this song did not lie one bit. Nothing gingers students, or anyone really, like the thought of resting during the weekend. This assembly song was such a mood.

    4. Kingdom waiting for you

    There’s no reason why kids should be joyfully singing about possibly going to heaven or hell but this song made it work. Don’t forget guys, if you do bad they’ll be no more kingdom waiting for you. Shalom.

    5. Holiday is coming

    “No more morning bells, no more teachers whip, goodbye teachers, goodbye scholars” If teachers weren’t sure that kids hated them and their time at school, they were always reminded by this song on the last day of school. Sometimes, they sang along too. And who can blame them? Kids are scary.

    6. H-I-P for the Hip, for the Hipopo

    First of all, why was this such a jam? They were using style to teach us how to spell, which is great because how many of us can spell this animal without mumbling this song under our breath?

    7.  Now the day is over

    Is it even an assembly song if it’s not a hymn? This song had you connecting to your inner spirit and was mostly sung at the end of the school day so you could reflect on all your bad deeds on your way home. 

    8. The day is bright

    The best part of this song was shouting “mama jollof rice” at the end of it. Take us back to times without rent, please.

    9. Parents listen to your children

    Teachers were rude for teaching this song to kids who would go home and sing the “try to pay our school fees” part to their struggling parents. Like what was the reason? 

    10. We are h-a-p-p-y

    No, we were not. No one would be after singing praise and worship, listening to news read at the assembly ground, reciting both Nigeria’s and the school’s anthem and pledge, listening to the principal and their vice rant for hours and hearing lots of announcements. We took it like champs though and found joy in the marching songs that made us laugh until the school bell announced the first period.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 9 Types Of Jollof Rice That Slap

    9 Types Of Jollof Rice That Slap

    There are so many types of jollof rice, which has caused wars over the years, which is fine because it is a premium dish. Each country thinks its own Jollof is special, but nothing makes jollof rice special like the memories attached to it. There are so many types of jollof rice from all over the world, the best have been listed in this article.

    1. Burial jollof

    The best thing about this type of jollof rice is that you don’t even have to hate the person that died for the food to slap. Although, hating the person is a bonus. There’s just something about jollof rice at burials that gives it an extra oomph. 

    2. Baby dedication jollof

    This rice slaps because it is cooked with so much happiness. Happiness is a major ingredient in jollof rice, which is why it tastes so bad when you buy it from Buka. Those people have no joy. Anyway, eating while a baby cries about it’s painfully new existence>>>> 

    3. Everything in the pantry jollof

    You know when you are broke, but not that broke? You and your roommate pool some money together and magically half of the ingredients in your pantry/locker can make jollof rice? If you’ve never experienced this, good for you. The point is you weren’t expecting a good meal and you got a great meal, of course, It’ll slap. Or maybe it’s the hunger that amplifies the taste of the food. 

    4. Convocation jollof rice

    When Nigerians want to party, they don’t do anything small. Your child graduating from a school that almost killed them is a thing of joy indeed so cook that rice with joy. To be honest, this type of jollof rice is wasted on the family, the people who enjoy it are the students going around tents looking for people to give them food. 

    5. Visiting day jollof

    The joy from eating a home-cooked meal after months of the poison they serve in boarding school is intense. This type of jollof rice is hard to share, you’ll be eating it and crying into the plate because you don’t know when next you’ll taste something like that. 

    6. Owambe jollof 

    Nigerians know how to throw a good party, good music, a great setting and amazing food. Owambe jollof always has the smokey, cooked with firewood taste. It’s a 10/10 experience. The best thing about this jollof rice is how good it slaps when you were not invited to the party in the first place. 

    7. Primary School birthday jollof

    Whether it’s your birthday or the birthday party of a friend, one thing you could be sure of besides the fun party packs, was good jollof. This jollof was notorious for making people lose their home training, it was somehow always paired with a hot bottle of soda and it still slapped.  

    8. Christmas jollof

    Honestly, growing up is a scam. You get older and all of a sudden the urge to celebrate Christmas starts dying. Christmas for Nigerian kids wasn’t always about the new clothes, shoes and sunglasses. It was also about jollof rice. Christmas jollof always has the biggest Chicken, an elite babe.

    9.  Welcome back to Nigeria jollof

    Of course, you can make Nigerian foods outside Nigeria and it will taste good but it tastes even better when it’s made here. The spices, the love poured into it, it’s a different feeling altogether. Jollof rice made when you’ve been away for a while has a way of saying “welcome back home, we missed you”.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 Signs You’re The Toxic Friend In Your Friend Group

    10 Signs You’re The Toxic Friend In Your Friend Group

    Toxic friends are everywhere and they are a big problem. If you don’t know the toxic friend in your friend group, it’s probably you. To prove this to you just, we wrote this for you. 

    If you display any of these signs, you’re the toxic friend in your friend group.

    1. You  steal your friend’s parents 

    You go into your friend’s life and suddenly, you are their parent’s favourite child? How and why? The position they had to fight hard to get, you gained it by prostrating that one time to greet, and by calling more often than them. Are you not an evil spirit?

    2. You  steal their food 

    Anybody that can steal food can kill. I hope they kill that friendship before you empty their fridge and bank account. No one should have to share shawarma, please.

    3. You sleep when they are awake 

    This takes toxic friends to another level because what sort of wickedness is this? How dare you be asleep when they can’t sleep? Is that not witchcraft? 

    4. You save their number with their name 

    You hate them and it shows. No pet name? Not even an insult like “Tobi Idiot”? Be honest, you don’t like your friends, do you?

    5. You always see the other side 

    Imagine your friend telling you about that coworker that annoys them and instead of insulting the person, you start seeing the coworker’s point. Tell me you hate your friend without telling me you hate them.

    6. You have fun without them

    After going out without them and posting videos without their face you’ll now come on their birthday to say “thank you for bringing fun into my life”. If you don’t geddifok.

    7. You move far away from them

    Why? If it’s not hatred, why would you move far away from them? Only toxic friends live far away from each other, please.

    8. You steal their clothes 

    You are an armed robber. Know this and know peace. Clothes are expensive, why is their wardrobe your private bend down select? 

    9. You don’t add their name in your project’s acknowledgement 

    Their existence alone is enough reason for their name to be in your project’s acknowledgement. If it wasn’t for them taking you out when you should have been writing it, would you have had enough guilt to work twice as hard on it? I think the fuck not.

    10. You don’t name your kids after them

    No really, it’s the audacity. How can you create a whole human being and not name them after your friend? Who will you now name the child after?  You are a toxic friend, know this and know peace.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • A First-Timers Guide To Attending Nigerian Weddings

    A First-Timers Guide To Attending Nigerian Weddings

    Nigerian weddings are a nightmare, and since the government and the world recognize you as an adult now — and guys I mean people above 18 —  you will begin to get a lot of wedding invitations. How fun! Here are a few tips, so you don’t feel lost on what to do and how to behave.

    1. Establish that you are poor

    You shouldn’t have to drink garri for two weeks because you bought Aso-Ebi. It’s not even your wedding. Make sure you explain how poor you are, so they don’t keep calling you. They should find someone else to fund their destination honeymoon. If showing up is not enough for them,  my dear, save that cab fare.

    2. No gift is too small

     Remember when you first moved into your new place and almost proposed to that person that brought spoons as a housewarming gift? Exactly. Buy what you can afford, abeg. If they want to fight you, give them our number. 

    3. Do not sit at the back in the reception

    You made the effort to go to a Nigerian wedding and now, you want to spoil it because you are shy? How will you get the souvenirs, especially if you paid for Aso-Ebi? Jazz up.

    4. Choose one event and attend it

    If you want to go for the church service, good. If it’s the reception, better. Except you bought shares in their marriage, I don’t know why you’d go for both. Nigerian weddings last for too long.

    5. Wear whatever you want

    If the bride is going to get upset that your dress looks better than her WEDDING GOWN, clearly she lacked imagination when she was choosing it, and that’s on her. Wear what makes you feel good, maybe you’ll meet a glucose guardian as that is their main base.

    6. Prepare to be depressed

    It is easier to tweet that when older people ask you when you’d get married, you’ll ask them why they haven’t died but it is hard to say it. If it’s a family wedding, then sorry to you and all the hot takes you’ll hear from aunties in a thirty-year-old loveless marriage. Airpods were created specifically to block out their voices.

    7. Eat 

    Does burial rice slap? Yes, but wedding rice slaps just as hard. Nobody will judge you for asking for a take-home pack. They will look at you in all your singleness and give you two packs because they think you are starving. However, if you aren’t family, please prepare for insort. 

    8. Take pictures

    One thing about Nigerian weddings is that the venue is mostly picture-worthy. Take as many nice pictures as your phone’s storage will let you. When I say take pictures, I don’t mean pictures from those photographers that appear out of nowhere, except you want to pay for something that you’ll end up keeping carelessly. 

    9. Have fun

    Catch the bouquet if you are into that kind of thing, dance like it’s your wedding, eat, drink and be merry. If you are out when you should be resting, you might as well have fun.

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 9 Side Hustles Nigerians Should Consider

    9 Side Hustles Nigerians Should Consider

    Almost everyone has a side hustle in Nigeria. They are a must when you live in a country that is constantly trying to kill you. Here are 10 side hustles that will make living a little easier.

    1. Cultural dancer

    This job requires skills that not everybody has, it’s not easy to keep people entertained for a long time so if you can’t do that don’t even consider this side hustle in Nigeria. Become a cultural dancer so you can blow off the frustration from working an annoying 9-5. You might not be shaking your ass in a yacht, but you’ll be shaking it where they can spray you money.

    2. Family disappointment

    It’s not easy to be the family disappointment but someone has to do it. Gather all your siblings and cousins, set up a fee they can pay monthly so that they can finally get that septum piercing or tattoo they want but can’t get until you get one, and their parents can just label you the bad influence. Don’t waste your talent.

    You after you get paid.

    3. Instagram skit maker

    Do you know how much Instagram skit makers earn? A lot, that’s how much. Instead of wasting your time being the unpaid funny friend in your friend group, put your talent to good use. Do your mates have two heads? 

    Yes, it is.

    4.  Money doubler

    There is no glory in scamming people and your destination is hell for sure, but if someone is greedy enough to want to double the small money they have through magic, they deserve whatever they get. If they arrest you sha please don’t mention Zikoko.

    5.  Professional clown

    If most of your friends have your contact saved as ‘clown’ on their phones, then this job is for you. You are not a stranger to embarrassment and you have since gotten used to it. Fear not, we have a solution. You can accept people’s embarrassment on their behalf for a small fee. Help someone break up with her boyfriend, accept someone’s quit notice on their behalf, small things like that.

    6. Professional girlfriend

    Or if you want to be posh, you can call yourself an escort. If one of your best qualities is that you are a really good girlfriend even though they still break up with you, you should take this job. You never know, you might even find love but then again… this is Nigeria, you will more likely be kidnapped.

    7. Professional sugar baby

    This is one of the most lucrative side hustles in Nigeria, and it doesn’t interfere with any other job you have. If you are committed to a life of enjoyment, this is the job for you. Just know that there is no such thing as a sugar baby that doesn’t give sugar.

    8. Playlist creator

    If you have ever been in a situation where your ex asked you to help them make a playlist for their current partner, first of all, pele.  Secondly, that’s just proof that you have good taste. Rise, don’t let your talent waste, stop making playlists for free.

    9. Semo-taster

     This one is a  dangerous Side hustle no one has mastered, but at least when you have food poisoning from eating Semo, you can take several days off work. 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 12 Memes That Explains Why Thursday Is The Best Day Of The Week

    12 Memes That Explains Why Thursday Is The Best Day Of The Week

    Thursday is the best day of the week. Argue with your reflection. Anyone can love overly eager Saturday and manic Friday, but imagine having the range to enjoy Thursday. With these few memes of mine, I hope I’ll be able to convince you that Thursday is the best day of the week.

    1. The Friday eve meme

    Most people think of Thursday as a trusty sidekick that makes sure Friday comes around. And yes, it’s the one day of the week you can count on to not fuck up. What’s not to love?

    2. Work is chill on Thursday

    If it refuses to be chill, make it chill. Most of the week’s work is done anyways. Thursday is the break Wednesday thinks it is.

    3. Throwback Thursday’s supremacy

    Thursday has the power to start a trend and kill it with its own hands. We should all be scared tbh. 

    4. Thirsty Thursday

    If you don’t know what this is, you aren’t one of the cool kids. Thursday is so elite, it has a public holiday on the 1st of July. Beat that.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    5. Thursday is sweet

    Thursday is the best day of the week because it will never make you feel bad for not doing enough. It doesn’t project unnecessary expectations of greatness on you. On a scale of 1-10, Thursday is a 12. 

    6. Thursday doesn’t put pressure on you

    Thursday is the weekend without the pressure, it’s like I know the weekend is a day away but here’s a bonus day. Friday on the other hand says GO HAVE FUN OR ELSE… a detty bitch

    7. Thursday sneaks up on you… in a good way

    Thursday is like that one song on your playlist that you skip every day but then you listen by mistake and now you can’t stop.

    8. Thursday is comforting

    Thursday doesn’t raise its shoulders or argue like the others, but it packs a punch. It is the sweet smell of the stew before it turns into jollof rice, I stan. 

    Looking to spice up your Instagram feed? Follow Zikoko Memes 😏

    9. Good balance

    Thursday is the best day of the week because it is cool but not too cool. Relaxed but not too comfortable. If it was a Zodiac sign, it would be a libra.

    10. King of good tricks

    Thursday is always so full of surprises, like that pack of small chops you bought. You were expecting 5 pieces of puff-puff but you were given 10 and an extra chicken. The real God when.

    11. King of anticipation management

    Sometimes, the promise of something is better than the thing itself. It pushes you to get things done in preparation for the weekend, even though you’ll still spend it working.

    12. Thursdays discount

    Things are a lot cheaper on Thursdays, and they always have some sort of discount because fun places are not as packed. The crowd is a lot more chill and there’s no pressure to have the “best time of your life”, you can just kick back and relax.

    If you liked this article, then you’ll like this.

    Malakai Bassey

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  • The Zikoko Guide To Making A Romantic Nigerian Music Video

    The Zikoko Guide To Making A Romantic Nigerian Music Video

    There are certain things to consider when making a music video but if you are a Nigerian looking to make a music video, you can just disregard all those things and do these instead. There are a lot of things to consider when making a music video, here is a guide on how to make a perfect romantic music video.

    1. Mention someone’s name

    Use a generic name like Joanna, Folake, Shade —  Make sure it’s a name people can chant. This is important for when you are performing on stage, so you can ask any girl with that name to join you on stage as the sweetheart musician you are.

    if babes don’t react like this, you are doing something wrong.

    2. A cute phone scene

    This is an important thing to consider when making a music video. There must be a scene when you and your love interest are on the phone in different rooms. You must be singing into the phone and she can sit looking cute or rolling around her bed and smiling sheepishly for no reason like people in love always do.

    3. Go on a date in the video

    Please what is a romantic music video without a romantic date? Take her to places people don’t usually go on their first date, like a paintball arena. Be creative and original. Because after shooting someone they will still love you innit? If you shoot her and she cries, we can’t assure you of a second date. Don’t blame Zikoko

    4. Order fried rice

    People don’t do this anymore but if you are shooting a restaurant scene make sure you both order fried rice. Except you are a Lagosian, then you can order creamy pasta. Don’t let this tradition die.

    5. There must be a rain scene

    Nothing says romance like a rain scene. Are you really in love if rain is not beating you like a thief? Every musician and their daddies have used this at least once. How do you think the weather for two propaganda started? Don’t sleep on this.

    6. A plot twist

    Is there a fine line between music videos and movies? Yes. Are Nigerians aware? No. It can be something small from the love interest in your video being your half-sister, to her resurrecting from the dead.

    7. There must be a bad belle

    As there are antagonists in real life, there must be a bad belle in your music video. Of all the things to consider when making a music video, this is very important. Your bad belle can be everlasting poverty, a greedy father, or even a jealous best friend.

    8. Influencer starter pack

    It is very telling of your character as a musician if you don’t have at least one influencer in your video. Who will hype it for you before everyone else watches it?

    9. Aesthetics 

    You must have a couple of models standing in a place that makes them stand out, like a rowdy market, wearing African designer haute couture for no reason. You can also make sure that you are wearing different shades of a particular colour in every scene for the ‘aesthetics’.

    10. Choose your producer 

    This is the most important decision of all…based on your budget. Everyone will judge you based on who you hire to produce your music video so choose wisely before you become a meme we will gladly upload it on our meme site.

     

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Games Night Ideas You Can Play With Friends

    8 Games Night Ideas You Can Play With Friends

    When it comes to games night ideas you can play with friends, it is best to consider the people you’ll be inviting so you can choose games that each person will enjoy. Not every time truth or dare, or never have I ever. Here are 8 game night ideas you can play with your friends.

    1. Charades

    There will never be a time when charades isn’t a good games night idea you can play with friends. Just think of that quiet friend trying to act out milkshakes. Will they grab a cup of milk and try to shake it around or what? Either way, the outcome will be hilarious. 

    2. Board games

    Board games are a staple of every good games night. People get comfortable and sit around having mindless fun. Before you know it, someone has gone bankrupt in monopoly, and another person is cursing all their ancestors because they feel they have the worst luck. 

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    3. Card games 

    Is it even a games night if there are no card games involved? How will you know the friends that are sore losers, the ones that have ridiculously good luck and the one that doesn’t know when to stop gloating? You know the friend that hates you when they give you 4 “pick 5” in a row in a game of whot.

    4. Eating games

    No games night is complete without an eating game. After all the drinking going on, you must sober up your friends with an eating game. Nothing gingers people like food. Just know that this game is expensive because the price of onions is expensive. 

    5.Drinking games

    Yes, there are so many games night ideas you can play with friends, but nothing tops drinking games. Of course, you must be considerate of that one person that doesn’t drink. There is also that one friend that drinks whether they failed the question or not. A really good example of a drinking game is “the lemon game”. Concentration and drinking don’t always go well.

    6. Jenga

    This game is very deceptive because it looks easy until one person spends thirty minutes thinking of where to stack his block. There is always that freakishly good person who removes the Jenga block from the weirdest angles and still wins. As the host, you have the power to ban those two people. thank you.

    7.Concentration games

    Just as people are beginning to relax and ease into the gaming mood, bring out these games.  You are the host, nobody can beat you. Ask people to recite the Nigerian states and their capitals, finish up the national anthem, or spell silhouette and watch people embarrass their ancestors. 

    8.The chore game

    You know we can’t teach you how to host people without telling you how to get them to clean up their mess. Create fake games like first to wash the car, plate washing supreme combo, floor-sweeping supersonic mode, and there you have it, the perfect games night. 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 11 Reasons Why You Should Never Date A Creative

    11 Reasons Why You Should Never Date A Creative

    The regular dating pool is a mess and all the people in it are various levels of terrible. But that is nothing compared to the gutter that is dating creatives.  If you need a reason why you shouldn’t date a creative, here are 11.

    1. They are either overdressed or underdressed 

    Or sometimes, a weird mix of both. These people are very mannerless. You can’t tell if they are running late for an 8 a.m. work meeting or a beach day with friends. They are always dressed wrong for every occasion, except when they want to upstage their “enemies.” My dear, burn those cargo pants today and just be ready to be single.

    2. They will break your heart into a million pieces

    For example, if you have the misfortune of dating a poet, you need to go for deliverance and book therapy sessions ahead. You were probably thinking that they will write you cute poetry every morning, but what you will get is a beautifully written break-up letter that will destroy you forever.

    3. You’ll hardly have anything in common 

    I know this sounds like a bad thing but it’s not. If you are committed to dating a creative person, not having anything in common is good but only for them. They get to spend hours talking about the stuff they like. Like convincing you that you’ll like some terribly made movie they think is groundbreaking

    4. Anything you say will end up in their book 

    Or whatever piece of media they eventually put out. If you have decided to date a writer, I pity you sha. You think your partner is attentive because they listen to you rant and ask questions but the truth is they are simply taking notes in their head for when you two inevitably break up and they use you as a villain in their book. 

    5. They are unnecessarily petty 

    You can’t argue with your musician boyfriend because the next thing you know, he has used the voice note where you told him that he will never blow for his album intro. Dating a creative is a nightmare.

    6. They are spontaneous on their own terms

    Don’t bother trying to take a cute unawares picture with your photographer partner because If they don’t edit it to perfection how will people know that they are good at their job? At least you’d have good pictures after you break up except they watermark it out of spite.

    7. They are overly dramatic

    Have you ever told an artist that they put too much pepper in their food? Next thing, they will say that you called their painting ugly.  There is nothing like constructive criticism with them.

    8. You are an amusement to them, not their muse

    They might be interested in you today, but for how long? Don’t let them sell you dirty lies. It takes a lot to keep these people. Is it even worth it? Break up today for your peace of mind.

    9.  You’ll realize that you can’t speak English 

    You think you know English, my dear you know nothing. It’s bad enough that they have the creative license to create words, they also know words you’ve never heard of. Do not be swayed by good English. That’s how we got colonized the last time.

    10. They spoil everything

    You can never enjoy anything artistic with them because they always have notes. The lighting could have been better in that scene. The camera angles are wrong. That song is wrong for that scene and other stories. They will ruin everything you love.

    11.  They have terrible vices 

    Creatives like to lie to themselves that instead of addictions, what they have are creativity boosters. Meanwhile, they have vices that have vices. Dating a creative is an extreme sport that is not for the weak-minded. Be ready to see them at their worst. 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Simple Things That Make You Happy The Older You Get

    8 Simple Things That Make You Happy The Older You Get

    There are very few things that make adults happy. The word ‘adult’ here is used loosely because some of you are 18 and you only barely qualify as adults. Truth is, the older you get, the more simple things make you happy. 

    1. Finding the perfect grocery store

    Not everyone can say that they have achieved this. Do you know how blissful it feels to find a store that meets all your shopping needs and also has good vibes? It’s a 10/10 experience that is simple but also makes you happy.

    2. Paying your bills on time

    Just so you know, it will hurt like hell when the money for said bills leaves your account. But knowing that you can have peace of mind for a short while slaps.

    3. Taking naps

    The older you get, the easier it becomes to fall asleep. You’ll nap when they break your heart for the fifth time, when you don’t get that promotion you wanted, and every time you get debited for breathing.

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    4.  Choosing what you want to eat

    Growing up, you had to settle for whatever your parents let you eat. As an adult, you settle for what your bank account will let you eat. But at least you get to choose. 

    5.  Practical gifts

    When you are young, gifts like socks, plants, or weighted blankets might make you think that the giver hates you. But as you get older, you realize that those gifts might be simple but they’ll make you really happy. This does not mean that you should become the kind of person that gives people socks oh. Spa tickets are also practical.

    6.  Weekends with no plans

    See, going out and having the time of your life is fun and all but staying in and just chilling with no plans, not even chores, gives happiness a new meaning.

    7.  Completing your to-do list

    If you are the kind of person that makes lists to give yourself a sense of accomplishment, you already know how great it feels when you tick every box off or even just half of it. Create your happiness.

    8. Having clean sheets

    From the process of laying the bed, to lying on it, it’s a really good feeling. This is also a reminder to wash your sheets today guys. 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Lies We Have All Told Our Parents

    8 Lies We Have All Told Our Parents

    We don’t always mean to lie to our parents but sometimes, shit happens. They don’t exactly make being honest easy, either. Sometimes the lies are small and harmless, other times they are big and problematic. Here are eight lies we’ve all told our parents.

    1. When we lie that we missed their call

    Sometimes, we really did miss their calls. Other times, we were just in situations that would have gotten us in deep shit if we had picked their calls.  It is better to ignore your mum’s call’s all night when you are out late at night with your friends than to pick it up and let her hear loud music when you’re supposed to be in bed. 

    2. Pretending to be asleep

    We’ve all done this, let’s not lie. Like that time your mom was shouting your name to come and help her in the kitchen. A lie by omission is still a lie. Ask yourself how many times you’ve pretended to be asleep to get out from chores or a talk from your parents. If you think moving out is a solution, it’s not.

    3. Lying that you weren’t charging your phone and using it

    If you’ve ever lied to your parents about this, I can’t even blame you. We get it, radiation poison and what not but must they shout? Is it their life? Abeg, everybody and the one that is doing them.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    4. Lying that you weren’t taught something when you failed.

    Never take responsibility for your failure or how does that quote go? In all your choosing, choose violence. Why tell them that the course was hard and you were struggling when you can just lie to your parents that the lecture never showed up to class and is an all-around bad guy?

    5. Lying about your location

    You really shouldn’t lie about this but then again some of you are bold. Here is a tip, if your dad tells you that he can see you in the club when you are supposed to be in school reading, you can simply ask why he carried his married legs to the club without his wife and gaslight him into thinking that he is seeing double.

    6. Lying that you didn’t see something they told you to pick up

    This has lowkey happened to everyone at a point except you have an annoyingly good memory. Sometimes your mum might tell you to pick up something that has been on the floor in your room for the past two weeks but you forgot to pick it up. When she comes to scold you instead of saying that you forgot, you[‘d rather say that you didn’t see it. To be honest this is the most unnecessary lie. 

    7. Lying that you are not hungry after arguing with them

    I see you, they see you, you see you and even God sees you. It’s okay to lie sometimes, yes, but not when it comes to food.

    8. Lying that you are a good influence on your friends 

    It’s okay to want your parents to think that you are still the good innocent child that they’ve raised when you are not. We lie to our parents to protect them. Your little charade won’t last long of course but as long as you are not damaging anyone else’s character then, by all means, go off. 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 5 Times In Life When You Need To ‘Shine Your Eyes’ Well

    5 Times In Life When You Need To ‘Shine Your Eyes’ Well

    In this life if you’d don’t shine your eyes well, then anything can happen or one human being will take you fi idiot. So, if you ever find yourself in any of these situations, remember to what? Shine your eyes well.

    1. When buying earphones

    You see those guys that hawk earphones and gadgets from place to place? Before you carry your big head to buy “original follow-come” earphones for 1000 Naira, better shine your eyes well. Except you don’t mind hearing your ancestors voice in a Beyonce album.

    2. If you find yourself in the BBN house

    Before you entertain the notion that everyone in the Big Brother Naija house is your friend, shine your eyes oh. Don’t go and lose guard. Heaven is the goal.

    3. When falling in love

    Forget all that “love is blind” story. This is serious business, and you need your eyes open for it. Make sure it is a heart you are falling into, and not a trap.

    4. When dealing with a Nigerian bus conductor

    You think you are smart, until conductor will tell you to collect your N950 change from so-so person and zoom off. That won’t happen if you shine your eyes well.

    5. When you are sleeping

    Does this surprise you? This is the perfect time to be shining eyes wider than ever. We live in trying times; someone might be planning to strangle you in your sleep or God forbid that they should unlock your phone and go through your chats. Shine your eyes well, they won’t dare come close.

    You’re welcome, dear.

    Susan Nwaobiala

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  • 8 Types Of Nigerian Aunties You Know

    With Nigerian Aunties, it is one of two things. Either they make life soft or a living hell for you. There’s the one that is basically your elder sister and the one that is always in your business 24/7. Here are 8 types of Nigerian aunties.

    1.The rich Nigerian aunty

    This type of Nigerian aunty is the oga of them all. She sends money when you are at your most broke, not just on your birthday. It’s almost as if she can read your mind. This is the one aunty that can do no wrong in your books.

    2. The aunty that always sends WhatsApp broadcast messages

    This type of Nigerian aunty believes in every and any conspiracy theory out there. According to her, Obama is the antichrist and you should drink lime every morning when you wake up to prevent cancer. You sometimes wonder how she manages to come out of her house when she is afraid of everything. The worst part is that she won’t enjoy her nonsense alone, she’d send it to you or your mum who actually believes it.

    3. The aunty that stays abroad

    She always buys you nice things on your list when she comes to visit Nigeria but somehow still manages to be strict. You don’t know if you like her or if you like her gifts. 

    4.The one that monitors your life

    I like to call this on CCTV because she’s always monitoring you. You’ve blocked her on most social media but she always finds a way to monitor you. If she was just doing this and keeping the information to herself there won’t be a problem but no, she will call your parents personally to tell them that you are being wayward. The question is why are you, an old person, in another person’s business? 

    5. The spiritual aunty 

    In the battle of worst to best Nigerian aunties, she wins. Spending time in her house is a nightmare, they are always praying against one thing or the other. She also either gives birth to your favourite cousins or your least favourite cousins and no there’s no in-between.

    6. The aunty that doesn’t send anybody

    She’s not on the family group chat, she doesn’t pick calls, doesn’t partake in family drama and people only see her once in five years. Her kids are fun to be around and she is a lot more open-minded for someone her age. She’s not about that stressful life.

    7. The aunty that’s your dad’s sister

    This one doesn’t even qualify to be called an aunty, this type of Nigerian aunty doesn’t do anything for you. She doesn’t call, send money or check up on you but will be offended that you graduated from school and didn’t invite her. A clown.

    8. The aunty that is actually your cousin

    She is that one cousin that has always and will always be several years older than you and because you didn’t know what to call her, you started calling her Aunty. She is the best of them all, she might not be as rich but she will always show up for you and she is always on your side. The best babe for real.

    Malakai Bassey

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  • The Zikoko Guide To Being A Wicked Nigerian Woman

    The Zikoko Guide To Being A Wicked Nigerian Woman

    Nigerian women are elite babes because their wickedness knows no bounds. If any one of them breaks your heart, you should actually be grateful because it is a privilege. If you’re a Nigerian woman looking to tap into your full potential as a wicked entity, here’s a guide on how to do that. 

    This guy gets it.

    1.Be an Igbo woman 

    If you’re an Igbo woman reading, you already have inbuilt wickedness so there’s nothing we can teach you about wickedness tbh. If anything, you should organise a masterclass to teach others.

    2. Be a Scorpio 

    Your wickedness was written in the stars. There’s nothing here for you to learn. 

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    3. Date someone named Femi

    By the time he uses your heart to play basketball, your heart will turn to stone and you can come into your wickedness properly. In fact, just date Yoruba men in general if you are looking for painful character development.

    4. Be unable to cook

    There is nothing that makes Nigerian men froth at the mouth like a Nigerian woman’s inability to cook. Outsource all your cooking and watch Nigerian men die a little inside.

    5. Be a feminist

    This one is very important. To truly be wicked, you must become a feminist. If someone insults you by calling you a feminazi, my sister you’re doing something right.

    6. Be anti-kids

    Are you truly a wicked Nigerian woman if you want kids? As a Nigerian woman, you must be anti-stress and kids will stress you. Do you know the gratification that comes with telling a man that has decided on his own that you’ll bear all his ten sons that you don’t want kids? Top tier feeling.

    7. Be a slow texter

    If anyone has the audacity to text you, surely they can wait for you to reply at your own pace. You did not come to this life to suffer, abeg.

    8. Stress him

    I promise you, he can take it. If he can’t, someone else will. Don’t lose guard. You are a spec, a moment, an event, and a happening babe. Move anyhow. Nobody will admit it but wickedness is sweet. 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • How to Make a Man Cry in Bed

    How to Make a Man Cry in Bed

    When it comes to making a man cry in bed, there are many things you can do to make that happen. If you are looking to make things so hot during sex that your man sheds tears of ecstasy, here’s a detailed guide on how to make a man cry in bed.

    Call out his name often

    Weirdly enough, one of the many things men like to hear during sex is their name.  Call out his name seductively when you like something sexual that he’s doing to you.  Please remember the exact name of the person you are sleeping with oh. Before you call out someone else’s name.

    Talk to him

    man's head in lady's bosom as lady holds his head

    There is nothing as sexy as hearing each other moan,sigh, and demand what you want/how you want it. It guarantees equal pleasure for you both. Also, whispering naughty words in his ears can be a huge turn on. Do with this information what you must.

    Play with his ears

    lady playing with mans ear

    Bite it playfully or just gently tug at it. You can also just moan or sigh in his ears.  The ears can be an erogenous zone so if you want the sex to be memorable for him, you should definitely do this.

    Give his neck attention

    lady kissing mans neck as he smiles

    Start with slow kisses to let him know that you want him. Start from the base of his ears and work your way down. you can bite his neck softly as you inch down. Alternate between kisses and biting so he doesn’t know what’s coming next.

    Look for his sensitive spots

    man and lady in black briefs, standing with lady holding mans chest from behind

    If you want to know how to make a man cry in bed, you must be intentional about pleasing him sexually.
     
    Men have so many erogenous zones that don’t get love mostly because the men are too shy to ask their partners for that. Nipples are one of those spots. Pay attention to it. Just do what he’d do to you. 

    Kiss his thighs

    Plant light kisses from above his knees and work your way up increasing the pressure of your lips as you go. Remember that men like foreplay too.

    Give him a massage

    lady massaging man

    Straddle him and give him a massage, replacing your hands with your mouth and tongue. This should make for an interesting experience for him.

    Try new temperatures

    Introduce new things in the bedroom, like ice, candles made for the skin, food like whipped cream, etc.

    Relax

    It won’t always go smoothly. Sex between two people who aren’t acting to make money can not be perfect. Relax, laugh, and make jokes. Just enjoy yourselves.

    Wow, you seem to be enjoying yourself. Sign up for Zikoko Daily to get our best stories

    If you liked this article, you would love “How to Make a Woman Cry in Bed“

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 Things People Bond Over On The Internet

    10 Things People Bond Over On The Internet

    The internet enables a lot of rubbish behaviour. But thankfully, it enables good behaviour too. Sometimes, people bond over where they got that amazing pasta that slapped. Other times, they crowdfund for people in need and you’re reminded that there are some good people in this awful world… Here are 10 things people bond over on the internet.

    1. The passing of a celebrity

    Sometimes it’s easy to feel alone in your love for a celebrity, making it hard to deal with when they pass.But sharing fond memories of that celebrity with others on the internet who feel the same way helps you grieve.

    2. Shared childhood experiences

    We’ve seen people bond over the fact that we all seemingly had the same childhood. Like trying to bend water in the shower, closing the fridge slowly to see the light go off, or trying to balance the light switch between on and off. It’s also been an outlet for sharing traumatic childhood experiences.

    3. Football

    Over the years, it’s been great watching football with friends and family and celebrating wins and losses. But do you know how much bonding can happen when you bring that energy to the internet? A lot. That’s how much.

    4. Movies/TV Shows

    You will be watching a TV show at your own pace and people on “film Twitter” that have watched the entire season of 20 episodes in one night will come with their hot takes and spoilers. It sucks for us slow watchers but at least they have that small community.

    5. Protesting against bad governance

    If there’s one thing that is universal around the world, it’s bad governance. The internet gives people the chance to protest against it and ask people to lend their voices, if need be. 

    6. Food

    Personally, I think we should stop discussing food on the internet because you people eat a lot of rubbish. However,the internet lets people bond over shared tastes in nonsense food so yay!

    7. Disability Visibility

    Since the pandemic forced people to sit with themselves last year, more people have discovered that they are on the disability spectrum. The internet makes it easier to talk to people who validate your existence and experiences.

    8.  LGBTQ+ safe spaces 

    With LGBTQ+ people’s existence criminalized in many parts of the world, many members of the community have found safe spaces on the internet to freely express themselves and connect with others like them and  allies who support  and validate their existence. It’s a truly beautiful thing to observe.

    9. Relationship Trauma

    Just when you think that you’re the only one that got cheated on the night before your wedding and then got left at the altar, you’ll see someone with a story worse than yours. It feels good knowing you’re not alone.

    10. Bullying parents

    This is my favourite thing about the internet. Parents come to complain about something their kids did and people will be like “You should apologize to that child sha” or “ Our lawyers will be getting in touch since you can’t respect our president.” All in good humour of course. We love all our internet kids. 

    [donation]

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Types Of Roommates From Hell

    8 Types Of Roommates From Hell

    In life, depending on your living situation, you will encounter several types of roommates. At every point in your life, you’ll most likely have to deal with roommates. As a child with your siblings, in the hostel in secondary school and university, when you move out of your parents’ house (and you get a roommate because you’re trying to save money), and the rest of your life, if you choose to get married. Living with people isn’t fun so you must come across at least one of these roommates from hell.

    1.The roommate who thinks you should share everything 

    There is nothing as annoying as living with this kind of person, especially the one that begs for food. Not because they don’t have but because everything you eat looks a hundred times sweeter when you eat it. You will then find yourself hiding to eat and for what?

    nigerian meme, african man in a suit, kneeling down begging
    How they beg you.

    2. The compulsive cleaner

    Imagine leaving your parents’ house – where you were being judged for being an occasional slob – to live with someone who IS NOT your parent but judges you for being untidy in your own space. Beat them up. You have my permission.

    3. The ghost

    This type of roommate isn’t exactly bad because you will have the place to yourself most times. However, if you are a worrier, you’ll just find yourself worrying if they are alive or not. Also, if something ever happens to you, you can’t rely on them to show up.

    4. The loud roommate

    This type of roommate delights in disturbing your peace. They play music by 3 a.m. and somehow wash plates so loud the whole street can hear them. If you like things quiet,living with this type of person is exhausting.

    Them for no reason

    5. The stingy roommate

    If you are a broke person, this is the worst person to live with. They measure everything from their milk to their sugar. No such thing as splitting costs because they do not like to share. They probably have post-it notes with their name on every item in the fridge that belongs to them. On the rare occasion theat they share, you’ll wonder if the world is ending.

    6. The roommate that always has people over

    They have no respect for your shared space so their friends won’t either. Imagine coming home after a long day to meet people you don’t know in your home. The ghetto for real.

    7. The spiritual roommate

    If you don’t have the same views with this type of roommate, you are in for a long drive to hell. You will be constantly preached to, or worse judged for everything you do. If that’s not hell, I don’t know what is. 

    8. Children

    Of all the roommates in the world, these are by far the worst.. First of all, society has gone past the need for more human beings so please stop making them. All they do is spend your money, eat your food, and cry. Why would you want that? 

    Malakai Bassey

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  • How To Successfully Move Out Of Your Parents’ House

    How To Successfully Move Out Of Your Parents’ House

    Moving out sounds easier than it looks. Anyone that has successfully done it will tell you how emotionally exhausting it is. This is why we have decided to share six tips on how to successfully move out of your parents’ house. 

    1. A great resolve 

    You will cry PLENTY. Furnishing a house is expensive as hell. After buying your first curtain, you will cry. Whenever money leaves your account for any household appliance, hot tears will pour down your face. The only way around this is to steal as many appliances from your parents’ house as you’re leaving.

    Don’t let this be you

    2. A planner 

    If you are managing your small money, you’ll need a planner to avoid deviating from your list and budget. You’d be surprised at the useless things you’ll end up buying without proper planning. If you don’t have a planner, you’ll end up using an old book as a dust packer for one week.

    3. Good friends 

    Now is the time to invite your friends over. Don’t be embarrassed. Tell them that you are having a housewarming party and make a wish list so they’ll buy you things that you actually need. Wahala for who no get caring friends sha.

    Don’t let them go until they bless you

    4. A sugar daddy 

    Do you know how much a fridge costs? Check and see if your eyes won’t water. Moving out is not beans and life comes at you fast. Sugar daddy or mummy is the best insurance you can have for life outside of your parents’ house.

    And you shouldn’t.

    5. The self-control of a monk 

    Moving out can make you feel like you can now move mad. You think you can now eat by 3 a.m., eat junk food, and live lavish, abi? Omo, you will get tired fast. Practice self-control.

    How you should sit and talk to your other selves spending your money.

    6. The ability to know when to give up 

    When you are tired of playing grownup, go and beg your mummy to fight your landlord so you can collect the rest of your rent and move back home. No one will judge you. The problem is that once you’ve experienced living alone, there’s no going back. Prodigal son no do reach this one. 

    You did your best. Nobody will beat you.

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Unilag Students Talk About Why They Hate Unilag

    8 Unilag Students Talk About Why They Hate Unilag

    Unilag always gets good press as the school of first choice. Well, these eight people think otherwise.

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    Dee /400 level

    Nothing fucking works and the hope kills. The thing is, I don’t have any particular grievances against the school. I just hate it. You keep thinking that something will work because it’s the bare minimum but it never does.. Especially at the medical centre. You’ll get there by 10 a.m. and think you’ll be done by 12 a.m. right? Wrong.  If you get there by 10 a.m, just forget all your other plans for that day. That’s not how a system should work. That school has bad vibes, and I wish I knew before I entered. Then again, where else would I have gone? 

    I’m just glad I met my friends here. So that’s cool. 

    Priscilla/ 200 level

    Unilag is expensive, and I don’t mean fees.  If you are not content with the things you have, Unilag and its students will oppress you. I mean, an iPhone 12 is like an iPhone 6 on campus now and students buy cars like they’re bicycles.There is a need to keep up with the joneses here and that life is expensive. Bottle water is seventy naira outside but hundred naira in here, and the cab men never have change, which seems like a ploy to get you to leave it for them.

    Olly/ 300 level

    From lecturers cancelling lectures, to giving us assignments they won’t grade, the expensive food or the behaviour of non-academic staff, there are so many reasons to hate Unilag.

    My faculty doesn’t have a functioning toilet. The only good toilet in the school is at CITS and we have to pay to use it. This makes no sense.

    Balloting is another wahala. How can you say you don’t have enough bed spaces for all the students in your school? After making us ballot for hours and days, they’ll still stress us during registration. Why is my GPA important for me to get a bed space? Especially since the hotel’s facilities are disgusting. Why are you putting off the light by 8 a.m? Why do I have to struggle to use the kitchen? Why do I have to beg/pay to use the freezer or anything at all in this school?

    Taoheed/ 400 level

    One word: rice. Rice is like the only food available in school. Why that?

    There is also the ridiculous accommodation price.  Accommodation in the school’s environs is way too expensive and it’s mainly because of unilag.Who did we offend? After you pay that much outside, you’ll still have to deal with armed robbers. Everything is so annoying.

    Tsuni/ 400 level

    I hate the fact that it’s so difficult to visit your friends in the hostel. How can I be a girl and you’re stopping me from seeing my female friend…IN BROAD DAYLIGHT? It’s ridiculous. I understand not letting boys into girls’ hostels and vice versa even though that one is weird but there should be visiting hours.

    Banjo/ 400 level

    Thanks to Covid, I have spent almost 6 years trying to get a 4-year degree. It annoys me when I see those tweets where people say the first class in a private university is the second class in a federal university.  We work our butts off studying but what’s the point when the lecturers delight in failing people? If this is what academia is, I want no part in it. Unilag is just living on whatever past glory it had, which means that they once had a system that worked. What happened to it? If you are coming to enjoy life in uni, you will enjoy unilag. But if you are coming to learn, especially as someone with a learning disability, you will hate it here. 

    Mide/ 200 level

    My biggest problem with unilag is that everyone thinks the students have money. I don’t get it.  They hike up prices inside and outside school because they think the students are rich.. Potters, food sellers, and security guards will beg you for money and I’m, like, bro I’m just as poor tbh. I don’t even have a problem with the begging. What I have a problem with is the entitlement. They’ll make your life hell if you don’t give them. They give preferential treatment to people that obviously have money, especially in the hostels. Off campus, my friends pay rent that people with a family and hope for a future should be paying. If there were enough bed spaces in the school hostels, no one would have to pay N800,000 for a small room off campus.  This is not how things should be. 

    Oluwatamilore 

    I graduated in 2017 but I hated that place with all my heart. Still hate it.

    One experience I’ll never forget is reading with street lights because the transformer of my hostel was damaged for almost a week and the classrooms that had power were too crowded and noisy to read in.

    I spent 5 years in that place and I still break out in a cold sweat when I remember the trauma I experienced in that school. My younger brother is in his final year so I know, based on his experiences, that things haven’t gotten better.

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 7 Animals You Shouldn’t Turn Into in Nigeria

    7 Animals You Shouldn’t Turn Into in Nigeria

    Living in Nigeria is very interesting. People turn to animals, animals swallow money, and get away with it because no one bats an eye. Everything that happens here is unusual. So if you’re ever looking to get out of trouble by turning into an animal, here are seven animals you should not turn into.

    1. A Cat

    I don’t recommend this animal because people generally don’t like them. Well, except lesbians. If you turn into this animal, Nigerians will kill you because they think cats are witches. (Thanks a lot, Nollywood.) Don’t try it.

    Nobody: You as a cat.

    2. A Dog 

    This one is man’s best friend so people hardly ever kill dogs. Except for those *coughs* people. Just don’t turn into that bingo/local dog breed because you will suffer if you can’t turn back.

    3. A Goat

    Isi Ewu, Asun, and goat meat pepper soup all have one thing in common. Goat. If you turn into this animal, there’s no going back. You won’t even be alive for more than a day. At least you’ll die knowing that you’ll feed people and taste great.

    4. A Rat

    Why would you even set yourself up like this? I don’t need to tell you that you will die that same day. Don’t try it. Rats are disgusting, so if you turn into one, find their bases and poison them. Do this last thing for your real people.

    Kill them all, don’t think twice.

    5. A Snake 

    Don’t think that you will be safe because you’ve turned into something dangerous. People are still looking for the snake that swallowed money a few years ago, and with the way things are, there is definitely someone out there randomly tearing up snakes left and right in search of that money.

    How you’ll end up.

    6. A Cow

    Will you become a first-class citizen? Yes, but that is not the point. Do you know how many things people rely on cows for? If anybody sees a stray cow do you think they will let it live? Better jazz up.

    7. A Bat 

    No story involving bats ends well. Why would yours be an exception? These things are basically rats with wings. Do you know how scary that is? It doesn’t help that our imaginary association of flying people are known to turn into bats. To be forewarned is to escape death.

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 7 Nigerian Men Tell Us About When They Realised They Were Fuck-Boys

    7 Nigerian Men Tell Us About When They Realised They Were Fuck-Boys


    ‘Fuck-boys’ means different things to different people and is often used as an insult when talking to/about men that are considered promiscuous. However, some men have no problem being called fuck-boys and view it as synonymous to ‘player’. I was curious about if there were Nigerian men out there who knew that they fell into this category or that other people view them as part of this category.

    So I spoke to seven Nigerian men talk about when they realized they were fuck boys.

    David, 24.

    I think the day I realized that maybe I was what people called a fuck boy was the day I stepped out wearing ashawo shorts, slides and stepped out with condoms even though I wasn’t going to a hookup. The fact that I came back having used the condoms just cemented it all for me.

    Fred, 24.

    I work in tech and people tend to assume tech bros are fuck boys. It’s not our fault that being a nerd is suddenly considered hot. I don’t have a particular day that I realized I was a fuck boy but one day, I was using Twitter and was simultaneously organizing dates with different girls who probably wanted something serious. That was when it hit me that omo, maybe I am a fuck boy.

    Greg, 27.

    So one day, I came home with a girl. After the girl left, I was talking to my neighbour who has kids and one of the kids said something along the lines of ‘Uncle Greg, came home with one fine aunty.’ My neighbour asked me if it was someone she had seen stay at mine a week before. And before I could say anything, the kid said ‘no, not that one, another one. That one is aunty Gloria, the one that came before is aunty Chichi but I don’t know this one’. I was gobsmacked because how and when did I become that uncle?

    Trent, 25.

    I think for me I realized I was a fuck boy the day I opened Tinder around 1 PM, matched with someone, went to his house, had sex, came back home and then blocked him and then continued to browse Tinder. I still don’t know if that was fuck boy behaviour or just hoe behaviour but it was something.

    Brian, 29.

    I didn’t know I was a fuck boy till my ex told me I was while pursuing me from her house. At the time, I had lost a job so I was staying at hers and then she caught me texting another girl. So she threw my things out and the next thing, I was branded a fuck boy.

    Cassidy, 27.

    I saw a tweet about how to know if you’re a tech-bro or a fuck boy, they listed owning a cat, dyed hair or dreads, multiple piercings, does weed and watches Rick and Morty. That was the day I clocked I was perhaps a fuck boy.

    Daniel, 31.

    Last December, I went to a party a friend was throwing and then I found out that five of the people at the party are my exes. I spent the whole party trying to avoid them then eventually left. The fact that I have enough exes that five of them could be in the same place at once was very concerning and that’s when I realized that maybe I have strayed too far from the light of God.

    • Names have been changed for the sake of privacy.

    Desmond

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  • 11 Things To Carry With You Before Entering The Lagos Dating Scene

    11 Things To Carry With You Before Entering The Lagos Dating Scene

    If you think you can enter the Lagos dating scene empty-handed and come out with a successful relationship, that is a very big lie. Before you enter that warzone, here are 11 important things you must carry with you.

    1. Pankere.

    This one is to flog that person who ghosted you after one date where you thought you both had a genuine connection. They’re most likely the first person you will jam in the Lagos dating scene. Flog that bastard with all your strength.

    2. Scanner.

    This is necessary so you can detect the man who will be fortunate from the one that will be unfortunate. Given how the Lagos dating scene is, both the fortunate and the unfortunate have mixed together and it can be hard to know who is who.

    3. Anointing oil.

    Is “Anointing Oil” good for natural hair?

    This is for spiritual guidance so you can choose the bone of your bone. You might say that you don’t believe in spiritual things, but let me tell you, even a time-waster can disguise as the love of your life. Please take my advice, I have been there and I know how it feels.

    4. Broom.

    african broom

    Oh yes, there will be witches and wizards in the Lagos dating scene. You might need to carry out impromptu deliverance oh.

    5. Panadol.

    One thing is sure in the Lagos dating scene: headache. Even someone that you did not date will give you headache. Abeg, enter that battle ground armed with all your medicine.

    6. Oxygen mask.

    Yes oh. You need an inhaler. Some people’s beauty with take your breath away. And yes too, some people’s bad breath will literally have you gasping for breath.

    7. Fresh stew.

    Chicken Tomato Stew – How to Cook Nigerian Stew - besthomediet

    Oh you cannot go empty-handed into the Lagos dating scene if you are hoping to catch a man oh. There are a lot of hungry people there. Just find someone whose hunger you can manage. Trap him with food and take him home. He will suffer when he enters, but at least you have collected the relationship you want.

    8. Vibrators.

    If you think you will find orgasms in the Lagos dating scene, you lie. It’s not that you cannot find it, you can. But the suppliers are few and they are in constant demand. Before it reaches your turn, you might want to be your own boss and provide orgasms for yourself.

    9. Tape measure.

    Many will lie about their height. You better carry your own tape rule to measure so you can confirm for yourself.

    10. Scissors.

    A lot of people in the Lagos dating scene are still attached to their ex, their crush that will NEVER date them, their mother, etc. If you want to date them meaningfully, you need to first cut this attachment off. I suggest you soak that scissors in anointing oil first.

    11. Big stone or something heavy.

    This one is for when you finally find the love of your life after a long period of searching and meeting unfortunate people who turned your heart to toy. Ask the love of your life to kneel down, raise up their hands and close their eys. Then place the stone on it. Next time, they will arrive on time instead of letting you suffer.

    [donation]

    Kunle Ologunro

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  • 7 Nigerians Tell Us About The Worst Neighbours They’ve Ever Had

    7 Nigerians Tell Us About The Worst Neighbours They’ve Ever Had

    Most of us have had our fair share of really horrible neighbors. From being messy and untidy to sticking their noses in places their noses have no place being in, horrible neighbors are just the worst. So I asked seven Nigerians about the very worst neighbor they’ve ever had and their answers are truly fascinating.

    Chidi, 25.

    I used to live in this apartment block, it was like six apartments fenced together, and we had regular power supply but my neighbours loved turning on their generators. We would have power all day and around 3a.m, it’d go. You’d immediately hear my neighbours open their door to turn on their generator. Do you know the worst part? Their generator was downstairs, close to my bedroom window. It was so annoying because they were quick with turning on the generator but turning it off. I had to start turning it off myself.

    Frank, 27.

    My worst neighbours were a group of young boys. They tended to host parties a lot, smoked a lot and always had guests. In an ideal world, I wouldn’t mind because do whatever you want but this is Nigeria and I was the only other young man in the compound. I was always anxious about the police coming and me being arrested because they think I’m with them. One day, when I was travelling I heard that policemen came to the compound and the place was smelling of marijuana and alcohol and the police arrested all the boys on the street. When I returned, I packed some of my clothes and went to a friend’s place. A few weeks later, I moved out. God forbid.

    Bibi, 31.

    So for the longest time, I had the best luck with neighbours, everyone had sense and knew how to mind their business. Then this guy moved to an apartment close to mine and decided to just be stupid in astounding ways. He stays in the apartment above mine and the people in his house would sweep his dirt to my front, he would wash his car which for some reason he parks in front of my house and the water would just pool there with all the dirt he drove in with and do you know what’s worse? I think he moved in with his whole external family. There are always people moving, at all hours of the day you’ll hear sounds of people pounding. With all the people in his house, no one has ever taken a broom to sweep the dirt he leaves in the front of my house.

    Boma, 24.

    After uni, I moved into a new apartment as per freedom. There was a woman in the compound I moved to that knew my mother, they weren’t friends or anything. She just knew her at some point. Anyways, this woman turned into a monitoring demon. If I came back late, she’ll ask why I’m coming back by this time. If a friend – a female friend – spends the night, she’ll tell me it’s not good for a woman to be having friends like that. When I got really mad was when a male friend came over and a few hours later, my mum called and asked why I was carrying men up and down and turning my house into a brothel. After I explained to my mother, my mum told me to be careful of that woman because the story the woman told her and what I told her is very different. I went up to the woman and warned her that in this life and the next, she should never try it again unless she wants to see madness.

    Melody, 25.

    My worst neighbour is a girl I shared a hostel with back in uni. The babe minded her business and I did the same. Until I started noticing that some of my clothes were missing, I can’t just accuse someone of stealing so I tried to search for my things but I didn’t see them. I just thought maybe I misplaced them myself or someone stole it when I hung it out. A few weeks later, I was gossiping with my friend and they sent me my neighbours Instagram account. That’s when I saw a video of her where she was wearing a top that belonged to me and a post of her with a bag that was also mine. I tried to confront her and omo, it turned into a shouting match. At the end of the day, I had to move out, she was branded a thief and I didn’t get back my items.

    George, 23.

     We had a neighbour who told my brother, who is homophobic, that I was bringing bad boys to the house. And seeing I’m openly gay to my family. He concluded I was bringing queer men to the house to hook up with, which triggered him kicking me out of his house. Before this, she told my brother that his girlfriend crashed his car, which she did but was fixing before he came back. She made him leave work to come and check on her safety and expected him to come home and quarrel with his girlfriend.

    Veronica, 29.

    Mine is more of an emotional thing. My neighbour and I were very close. We even visited my family home together often. Then one day, my sister called me and told me that she thinks her husband is sleeping with her. I was so confused. We turned into detectives and lo and behold, we were right. I don’t think I had ever felt more betrayed since that thing happened. It was awful.

    Desmond

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  • 10 Reasons Nigerians Won’t Survive An Apocalypse

    10 Reasons Nigerians Won’t Survive An Apocalypse

    Nigerians in an apocalypse sounds worse than whatever fuckery we are living in right now. We don’t know how to be quiet or stealthy, except Nigerian fathers when they are coming to slap your head. So, how we go run am?

    1. All our foods can be smelt a mile away

    Sometimes it’s not even the smell; it’s the frying palm oil loudly, the pounding of yam, the pepper boiling. If there’s a monster  nearby, we will get caught.

    2. We don’t know how to be quiet

    Nigerians can shout for no reason. When they are happy, sad or tired, they are always shouting. If you ask them to stop, they’ll say you are being disrespectful.

    3. The government will steal everything before people can loot

    In American movies, you’ll see people looting abandoned shops. I just want Nigerians to know that there will be nothing to loot. Just look at how the government hoarded indomein during the lockdown for instance.

    4. People will stay in religious houses instead of safe zones

    Nigerian mothers would rather die in church than go to a safe zone and I get it tbh. Why are you trying to survive an apocalypse in the first place?

    5. We won’t be able to generate power

    If there’s one thing, we cannot boast of; it’s good electricity. Do you think they don’t bring light now? Just wait for the apocalypse first.

    6. Lack of a scientific team

    Please point me in the direction of any renowned or even upcoming scientist in Nigeria. Not the one that has travelled abroad, and we are desperately claiming. And their invention better not be another water-powered generator.

    7. Nigerians like to hoard

    From nylon bags to plastic plates, it’s a big problem. How exactly will Nigerians survive an apocalypse like this?

    8. No Nigerian is ready for climate change

    Small rain and people start complaining and shouting weather for two up and down. Nigerians also like to boast that even if they are suffering, they at least don’t experience natural disasters. E go shock everybody.

    9. Apocalypse or not, there will be traffic

    Even in an apocalypse, You’ll still find Nigerians, especially Lagosians, in traffic. Please, I’m stressed.

    10. We won’t even notice

    Things are already terrible as it is, it’ll probably take months for people to notice that animals have mutated and everything has gone to shit. This is nobody’s fault sha, no one expects hell to get hotter.

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 10 People You’ll Find in a Friendship Group

    10 People You’ll Find in a Friendship Group

    Friendship groups can be stressful to maintain the older you grow, but friends make the world easier to handle because tbh, life just isn’t it. And having people in your corner makes up for it. Here are 10 people you need in your friendship group.

    1.The homebody

    Every friend group has this person in it. They are either tired, not in the mood, sleepy or broke. If you don’t invite them, wahala, and if you do, they’ll say no. Sounds like a goat to me.

    2. The one that calls you for classes and job opportunities

    This friend is basically in your life to make sure that you excel at life. If you don’t have one, then I’m sorry for you. In school, they probably spent most of their time reminding you about upcoming classes, assignments and projects. After school, they send job applications or seminar invites to you.

    3. Your ride or die

    Everyone knows that in a friend group, there’s always that pair that are a lot closer. This person knows how to sign a document on your behalf due to years of practice. This is a friend that hasn’t seen you in two days, but if your partner calls them to ask for you, they’ll lie that you’re with them.

    4. The birthday friend

    This particular friend doesn’t talk much or hang out with you often, but they can never forget your birthday. They call, text, write long epistles or send presents every year. Hold this one close.

    5. The scarily quiet friend

    These are so quiet, if your friend group is really large and loud, y’all probably always wonder why they’re still your friend. You can’t tell when they have entered or exited a room. It makes you wonder what goes on in their head.

    6.The money bag friend

    This person doesn’t even have to be rich, rich. They just have to be kind. If they buy anything, they always buy for the rest of the group, and they come through for everyone. It must be tiring to be so nice all the time.

    7. The one that knows everyone

    Walking around with this person is a nightmare. They must say hi to every Tom, Dick and Harry. They know everyone and their daddies. Why they know that many people is a puzzle.

    8. The friend with a dramatic life

    Their life is straight out of a TV show. The things that happen to you in a year, happen to them in a week. Sometimes you worry about them but they always bounce back. Their life is straight out of a TV show. The things that happen to you in a year, happen to them in a week. Sometimes you worry about them, but they always bounce back.

    Pov: You trying to make sense of their life.

    9. The soft friend

    If you have a friend like this, make sure you protect them. How can someone be so innocent and soft? Please protect this friend by all means.

    10. The friend that is family

    This friend has been to your ancestral home at least once. They are more of your mum’s child than you are. They feel so much like family, and you can’t imagine life without them. Also, you and this friend are always insulting each other like siblings.

    Malakai Bassey

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  • 8 Annoying Things About Salary Week

    8 Annoying Things About Salary Week

    Salary week is probably the most depressing week as a salary earner. The anticipation, the money that has already been spent in your head, and the bills that become more obvious don’t do much to help either. Flesh and blood did not reveal the information we are about to share below.

    1. Ads become more frequent

    It’s almost like the internet knows that money is about to enter your bank account. You start getting more ads, and for once you dare to consider getting those things you’ve been putting off, all the best sha.

    2. Things start finishing

    For some reason, things start finishing a lot during salary week. All of a sudden; your Wi-Fi finishes, foodstuff follows closely behind, DSTV, and finally, if you are unfortunate, your gas will follow suit.

    3. Things start spoiling

    It’s always during salary week that your car will know that it’s tired of Nigerian roads. That laptop that you have been managing will suddenly give up the ghost too, salary week has bad vibes for real.

    Kuku kill me

    4. The money hasn’t arrived but it has finished 

    You don’t even need to earn a salary for this to happen to you. Money just doesn’t like to stay in one place, If it’s not being spent, it’s not happy.

    Especially banks for collecting that 50 naira.

    5. Family members rise from their hiding place

    All of a sudden your mum needs a new washing machine, or your uncle wants to start a new business and your younger sibling will call to cry about how broke they are. Wahala for who get family sha.

    You to your family members when they call.

    6. The sudden quietness 

    You’d never be able to put your finger on it but for that entire week before your salary comes in, there’s a quietness around, and it won’t be the peaceful type. Just deep sighing and casual anxiety. Again with the bad vibes.

    7. The heart attack when you are expecting the alert 

    Especially if it’s a little later than normal. It’s so unnecessary because why is your brain telling you that you won’t get something you worked hard for? Everybody should get out abeg.

    8. The depression after you spend the money 

    Post salary depression is a thing, so if you know anyone earning a salary, do the right thing and dash them small money this month. 

    If you’re into memes, check out this mind-blowing Nigerian meme site we created. Click Here

    Malakai Bassey

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