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Inside life | Page 4 of 8 | Zikoko! Inside life | Page 4 of 8 | Zikoko!
  • 9 Unmistakable Signs Your Daddy Is Someone’s Sugar Daddy

    9 Unmistakable Signs Your Daddy Is Someone’s Sugar Daddy

    From asking you about his Zodiac sign to monitoring your snap score, here are some ways you can tell your father is another person’s sugar daddy.

    He starts trying to switch up his look

    Your dad starts dressing different. He switches the kaftan for jeans and tees. Man even buys some of these altée shirts with weird captions. Remain small, he’ll start painting nails because his babe has said he dresses old fashioned. He wants to be hip with the crowd. 

    He uses Gen Z slangs 

    Imagine having a conversation with your father and he says, “But this isn’t giving.” Next thing you know you’ve fallen on your knees in chicken republic. Daddy Ope, what do you mean by it’s not giving? Ah. 

    He now enjoys listening to music of this generation 

    Your father is asking you if you’ve listened to the newest Asake and you’re not afraid? What happened to Tope Alabi and Don Moen? Wetin concern your papa with Fireboy? 

    RELATED: 6 Signs That Show You’re Going to Become a Sugar Daddy 

    He wants to get on more social media “platforms”

    One day, you think your life is going great and you have a functional family. Next, your dad is telling you he wants to have a Snapchat account. You’ve lost him. 

    He’s now using emojis correctly 

    Who is teaching him? 

    He starts shopping where you shop

    First of all, sir. How did you know what a 30-inch Brazilian buss down is? How do you know what a 360-degree closure is? Sir, why do we follow the same hair vendors on instagram!?! WHY DO YOU FOLLOW DAMMYB ON TWITTER?! 

    RELATED: QUIZ: Which Nollywood Sugar Daddy Are You? 

    He starts caring about your mental health

    The person he’s spending his money on has said they need mental health day. That’s how he now remembered he has children and they too have mental health. Sha take it as it comes and count your blessings. 

    He now has a skincare routine 

    One 20-something-year-old has introduced your dad to retinol and now his skin is skinning. At least you can steal from him for yourself. 

    He knows Lagos and Abuja parties by name 

    Friday night, you’re in your room watching TV. Your dad pops in to ask you when the Mainland Block Party ends. How does he know what that is? He’s telling you that South Socials isn’t happening this week, but YOU didn’t even know that.  

    RELATED: 7 Important Qualities to Look Out For in a Sugar Daddy

  • Creator Spotlight: Blessing, the Skateboarder Creating Safe Communities for Girls

    Creator Spotlight: Blessing,  the Skateboarder Creating Safe Communities for Girls

    Hi, I’m Blessing. I’m 25, a skateboarder, and a community developer. Dencity is my community.

    Something people don’t know about me is I’m from Cross River. I enjoy seeing groups of girls skating, especially after seeing a movie about a girl skate group. And I decided we needed something like that in Nigeria. 

    What movie was that?

    Skate Kitchen. I loved the movie.

    So, how did you get into skating?

    I started coming to the stadium. This was before the lockdown, and back then, there were just two guys who skated. I started skating fully in 2021 when I began Dencity. I was like, “Since there’s no community, why don’t I build it?” I started posting my videos and telling people, “I’m a girl who skates. If you want to join me, here’s my number. Meet me here,” and they did. 

    Is that how Dencity kicked off?

    Yeah, I just started Dencity last year, and we host sessions at the National Stadium. We also host events in Abuja and Port Harcourt. And Dencity is in five states now, and I love it. 

    Dencity Lagos

    Why was it important for Dencity to exist?

    It’s good to see so many girls interested in it. According to some people, “it’s a masculine sport,” so being in Nigeria, it’s euphoric for me every time I come out and see all the girls skating. Even when we recently hosted a beach thing, the number of people that showed up stunned me.

    Wow, that’s super cool. What else influenced you to skate?

    I was into sports growing up and was even my secondary school’s games prefect. So when I was really young, I watched a movie I can’t remember, about skateboarding, and I wanted to learn how to do it because it looked cool.

    In the movie, people were doing crazy tricks. I thought, “How can you fly from this place to this place?” It was just really fascinating to me. 

    How are you already so good after a year of skating?

    I’m not that good! I’m still trying to be better every day. I want to land a kickflip before the end of this month. I just know I can get better, and I will. 

    Were you with another group before Dencity?

    No. But now, I’m also signed to Waffles and Cream, a community of like minded creatives bringing a genuine approach to celebrate subcultures. I work there, and the management owns WAF, the brand, so there’s that. 

    How did you get signed?

    I posted videos of me skating on Instagram. Then, I started talking to and skating with a guy called Henry, who used to work at WAF. One day, I had a board that wasn’t too good, and he asked me to bring it to the shop so they could change it for me. I got there and introduced myself to JOMI, WAF’s owner. He set up my board for free. 

    Back then, I was working a 9-5. I’d work and skate afterwards at the stadium or freedom park.

    Why did you need management?

    Skateboarding is now popular. People like to add skateboarders to their music videos or get us to wear their brand for photo shoots. And skateboards aren’t cheap. It’s like ₦105k. If you like what I’m doing and think it’s cool, pay me. They don’t enjoy paying. They just want to “collaborate”. Come on. I need to buy my boards and pay for transport to come out and skate. I also need to pay bills. 

    Yet Dencity is free?

    Yeah, it is. I provide the boards for 70% of the girls in Dencity because I know it’s tough for us girls. I know what I went through at first. People kept saying, ”This sport is for boys. Na man thing you dey do.” Like, guy, I just want to have fun. I know how parents frown on stuff like this, so I wasn’t about to let them struggle through all that.

    Did your parents give you hell for your hobby?

    Nope. I’m 25! My parents are in Calabar. I’m alone here in Lagos. I came without a job or anything. 

    That’s like the Nollywood Lagos dream

    It was not the dream, oh. A job brought me here, but it ended up being a scam. After I got to Lagos, they switched their numbers off. I sent countless emails, and nobody replied. 

    I’m so sorry that happened. What’s your favourite thing about skating?

    Learning a new trick. I’m currently learning to kickflip, and as soon as I land it, I’ll go for thanksgiving. Before you ask, no, there’s no easy trick to land. Skating is hard. You just have to keep trying.

    What do you do outside of skating?

    Oh wow, I feel like a boring person. If I’m not skating, I’m working or at a party. I love techno and house music. 

    What does fulfillment in your skating career look like?

    I don’t have a career yet, but I want to be signed by Adidas. I love them so much. I love their shoes and clothes. I’m always wearing Adidas. 

    I’m hoping in two to three years, Dencity will leave the stadium and have its own skate park and shop, so girls can skate and work. I want to grow a community where everyone who just wants to meet people can have a space. Not just for skating, you know? 

    Many people I’ve met while skating have become some of my closest friends. I enjoy coming to the stadium to teach the Dencity community new tricks, see their progress and just skating together. We come, skate, take pictures and hang out. It’s a safe space to be comfortable and express yourself. I feel so fulfilled already. I’m thrilled you can find Dencity in other states. I wanted this, and it’s just the beginning.


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  • Interview With Dollar: “I’m Too Sexy for This World”

    Interview With Dollar: “I’m Too Sexy for This World”

    Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.


    With Nigerians buying $1 at ₦680 in 2022, we knew it was time to bring Dollar in for questioning. Turns out Dollar is a Beyoncé fan on a quest for world domination.


    [Dollar has agreed to meet with Zikoko under terms of sworn secrecy. After three days of journeying, our blindfold is taken off and lights come on in an undisclosed location.]

    [Dollar arrives surrounded by his guards.]

    Zikoko: Was all of this really necessary?

    Dollar: When you’re big, you’re big.

    Zikoko: Can we at least get a seat? It took us days to get here. 

    [Dollar snaps his fingers and one of the guards brings a chair.]

    Zikoko: Thanks. So what’s been going on with you? The people want to know why you’ve been so scarce.

    Dollar: Beyoncé already said it. I’m way too sexy for this world.

    Zikoko: By world, do you mean just Nigeria?

    Dollar: Is that why you’re here? I thought you wanted this interview to get to know me.

    Zikoko: You’ve risen more times than Jesus Christ this year. What we want to know is, why?

    Dollar: I’ve told Nigeria that the situation with Naira is out of my control. And I’ve begged her to stop sending me emails and calling me at odd hours. I don’t appreciate her constant interruptions on my off-days.

    Zikoko: But…

    Dollar: There are powers even greater than me in this world.

    Zikoko: You mean Pounds? 

    Dollar: For my protection, I can’t name names. But I can tell you how it all started.

    Zikoko: I’m listening.

    Dollar: [clears throat] You were a child or possibly not even born when Naira and I met on a cold night in 1973. 

    Before then, Naira was almost on the same level as me because Queen Lizzie had Nigerians using pound shillings. Pounds was at the top of the world even in the 70s. And my guys didn’t really like that.

    Zikoko: Jealousy is not a good colour on you.

    Dollar: No, but power is. And Queen Lizzie got in the way of that. I was sick of her.

    Maybe I’d respect Lizzie more if she was Queen Bey. Bey gets me.

    Zikoko: Uhm… Can we stay on track?

    Dollar: I’ve been around since 1792, that’s 230 years on earth, so you better watch your tone. Where was I?

    Ah yes, Pounds.

    My beef with Lizzie wasn’t important because I had to play nice. You know what they say, in the art of war, it’s best to keep your enemies close.

    Zikoko: And the enemies here are…?

    Dollar: My memory fails me. Where was I?

    Ah yes, Lizzie my enemy.

    Zikoko: Why does it feel like Nigeria was a pawn in your sick game of world domination?

    Dollar: At least a pawn plays a game. You guys might as well have been the board. I didn’t have to lift a finger.

    Zikoko: Educate us

    Dollar: When Queen Lizzie got kicked out in 1960, Nigeria decided she was better off taking charge of her financial affairs and officially issued the naira in 1973.


    Naira was rolling with the big boys and trading at ₦1 for 10 UK Shillings and 90 Kobo to $1. But the cookie started crumbling. Without Lizzie ruling, Naira was playing a game of Russian roulette.

    Zikoko: Oshey bendownselect Wes Anderson. Look D… Can I call you D? Feels like we’re buddies now.

    Dollar: I might have bounded and gagged you before you got here, but you need to calm down. I won’t be referred to as a phallus.

    Zikoko: Cool. So D, we’re the biggest suppliers of crude oil in West Africa. That has to count for something.

    Dollar: Do you remember the parable of the 10 virgins waiting for their bridegroom? I am the five virgins that passed the test. Z!, I have reserves.

    Zikoko: Maybe we should unpack why 12 virgins were waiting for one brideg—

    Dollar: Look, you’re basically buying your oil back from countries with the infrastructure to refine it. And that means Nigeria has to buy everything with currencies like me. Word on the street is that you people are still importing toothpicks.

    Do you get the full picture? I’m not the cause of Nigeria’s problems. You people are doing yourselves.

    Zikoko: Wow. Do you have any advice for us?

    Dollar: It’s simple, really. You’re owing the world $45.2 billion, I’m owing $28.4 trillion. But how many times have you seen the world come to drag me? When you act like the best, you’ll be regarded as the best.

    Your celebrities understand this. Maybe they should lead the country.

    Zikoko: Nawa. So the price of sardine will never go down?

    Dollar: The only way is up.

    Zikoko: *Cries*

    Dollar: I’ll take my leave now. And please, no more calls for interviews except you’ve secured one with Bey and me. Or at least, recognise I’m way too sexy for this world.

    [The blindfolds come on again and all we hear is D’s footsteps storming off.]

    READ NEXT: Interview With Twitter Bird: “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings”

  • Creator Spotlight: Meet Ayo, Finance Bro by Day, Illustrator by Night

    Creator Spotlight: Meet Ayo, Finance Bro by Day, Illustrator by Night

    My name’s Ayo. I’m 22, and I doodle.

     I prefer to be called an illustrator, which is a bit distinct from an artist. A random thing about me is my longest streak on Duolingo was about 100 days, and I’m proud of that. When people get to know me, they say I give off white girl vibes because I’m into a bunch of stereotypical white girl things like hiking, candles from Target, matcha and astrology, interesting for someone with a very Yoruba name. 

    Okay, but like how ‘white girl’? 

    I was in Lagos, specifically Balogun market walking up to people to say, “Hi. How’re you doing?” They were so confused. There was a time I was in Osun for NYSC, and the indigenes kept calling other people to interpret what I was saying. I tried to speak broken Yoruba, and they’d insult me. It was tiring. I spent all three weeks at the orientation camp, trying to live the authentic Nigerian experience but I definitely won’t do it again. hard to be authentic

    Skrim. They did you dirty. So, you prefer to be called an illustrator. Why’s that?

    I just want to define the kind of work I do. In college, I studied art with a concentration in painting at some point, and did posters for people, in my graphic designer era. But then, I found I enjoyed digital art and drawing with markers. I wanted something that defined the niche I liked the most, and the word ‘artist’ was too broad. Still, I didn’t want people to call me a graphic designer or content creator because that didn’t fit. Even though I do create content.

    Ah, I see. What sort of content? 

    I don’t think of myself as a content creator, but if I made a reel of myself drawing, I find people commenting they love my content. This is interesting because I think of it as a process video, not exactly content, but I guess, everybody is a content creator now. I just like making these videos and seeing what I’m doing from an outside perspective, but I think that’s my “content”. 

    Let’s go back to how you convinced Nigerian parents to let you study painting 

    I scammed them a little. When I initially went to uni, I was studying economics. After my first year, my school let me add a second focus, so I added arts and did both for the rest of my three years. Doing both saved me because there were times economics was frustrating me, so I’d focus on art. Economics was the course I told older people I studied. Art was what kept me sane. 

    If economics wasn’t giving you a hard time, would you have pursued arts?

    I can’t lie. No. Initially, I thought I couldn’t pursue it because of the Nigerian parent mentality. You have to do something they consider serious. But after one year of fighting with my econ degree, I realised I needed something for myself. When I graduated from uni and worked my first 9-5 in finance, I was frustrated because I didn’t have art classes anymore and couldn’t find time to draw. This was the trigger I needed to create more time for art, share and publish them. 

    What happened next?

    I got incredible personal satisfaction from it. But it’s hard to paint when you don’t have the facilities. It’s expensive and time-consuming, and you need space. This led me to digital drawing and marker art. I also love learning new things, so I taught myself photoshop and watched lots of youtube videos. I was trying to find a better way to have an outlet and gradually became more consistent. For example, I did the inktober challenge of a digital drawing a day for 31 days. Then I posted them on my Instagram, which helped build my confidence. My friends hyped me up, so I made a dedicated instagram account for my art, and it grew organically. People could see I enjoy what I do, and they liked my work too. 

    What’s the most enjoyable thing about illustrating?

    There’s the challenge of getting something out of your brain and onto a tangible piece of paper, which I think every artist enjoys. Number two, I love the idea of doing whatever I want. I love the freedom, especially after working a structured job where you have to follow rules. If I want to draw a naked body or something serious about the government, I can and I’ve done both. It’s not easy to do, but it’s fun. Sitting back and admiring my work like, “Wow. I really did that,” excites me. 

    Do you remember the first thing you painted that made you proud?

    Two pieces for two different reasons. The first is from one of my last painting classes in school. I remember feeling depressed because I thought it would be my last painting and the depression channelled itself into the piece. It was a lot more detailed than I would usually do. It’s a self-portrait I made for my senior thesis. Looking back now, it was so ordinary, but at the time, I loved it.

    And the second one? 

    It was an illustration I made in 2019 about the social media bill. It had a more enormous reach than I could imagine, and people found it really useful. I remember thinking, “Wow, this is helpful and over 30,000 people saw it!” It made me proud.  I’m proud of the first one for personal reasons and the second because it was meaningful to a lot of people.

    I remember seeing those everywhere. Would you like to try other art styles?

    I don’t think I’ll ever make a painting that looks like a real person, but I’d like to play around with that. At the same time, I never want people to wonder if my work is a painting or photograph. I think that’s a bit too much. I like to add a bit of caricature to my work. 

    What’s the best compliment you’ve received for your art?

    There was a time I randomly posted something, and Mr Eazi privately messaged me that it was real work. I was shocked because how did he find it? It was something I could show my parents like, “See oh. People are noticing my art.”

    Do they give you hell for doing this full-time? Do you do this full-time? 

    Not anymore; I’m back to being a finance bro. I’m currently in business school but I  make art on the side, with the free time to pursue it. Plus I think my MBA will probably help with the business side of my art too. I’ll fashi this finance job at 30, after I’ve made a shit load of money, then focus on art full time. 

    So right now, art’s not making you enough money?

    It’s definitely a part-time income source, but I’m trying to get so good that when I charge outrageous amounts, I can justify it. I’ve seen people’s interest and gotten enough commissioned projects , so I know I have an audience, but I feel like I can improve. I want to get to a point where all my doubts are eliminated because I know I’m great at this, but I’ve also invested the time and effort to be better. I don’t know if I’d ever get there, but in the meantime, I like having a plan B to fall back on.

    The starving artist life is not for you at all

    I think it’s the firstborn in me that makes me this way. I’d rather be a comfortable artist.


    RELATED: How To Be The ‘Perfect’ Nigerian First Born Child


    Back to your parents. What do they think? 

    Initially, they thought it was a cute hobby I enjoyed, so they never gave me hell. Now, they’ve been supportive even. I once had an exhibition I couldn’t attend.  They took pictures for me and helped live stream it. Another time, my mum overheard her boss talking about wanting a portrait in her house and recommended me to her. My mum even tried being my business manager, but I was like, “Thanks. Please, don’t do that”. That would’ve just put too much pressure on me. I can’t hold anything against my parents. 

    What’s a dream project for you?

    For two years, I’ve had an idea to create a web series like the Archie Comics about being a young Nigerian living in Nigeria, travelling abroad, falling in love, all of that. Something with a clear storyline and recurring characters. I’ve made sketches and the outline for the first story. But who knows? Maybe I’ll start properly this year or next year. 

    I hope you do. I’m exactly your target audience. I loved Archie but couldn’t relate to half their struggles, so this should be cool

    Exactly. I want something simple, like a weekly series. At one point, I tried to tailor it to current events. But since I’ve put this out into the world, I guess I have to do it now. 

    If you could describe your art in a few words, how would you?

    A colourful process. Because I try too many different things, and I don’t want to have a tight niche. As much as I love illustrations, I also love painting, drawing and digital art. I tried to use only two or three colours in my work, because I tend to go overboard with colours, but couldn’t stick to it. I love to experiment with style and medium, so yes. It’s a colourful process, and I’d like to do a bit of everything. 


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  • Fantasy Movies Saved Me as a Child

    Fantasy Movies Saved Me as a Child

    When Dream won the fight against the devil in TheSandman, I heard the “inspirational music”. You know the one where you can tell that the good guy is having a good time or winning, and it makes you excited and happy? The music gets faster, and it sounds like children are giggling softly, and the tempo rises gradually. Yeah, that one.

    It immediately hit me. I haven’t felt like I’m about to be taken on an adventure of a lifetime in years. It made me feel hopeful. For what? I don’t know, but I guess that’s the point of these movies. I don’t associate my childhood with many good memories — and honestly? I don’t even trust my memory, but it made me miss the childish innocence of believing in magic. 

    The backstory

    I was that kid that grew up convinced ‌fairies exist,  convinced that trolls lived under bridges, elves hid in tired cupboards, and there’s magic around. You just couldn’t see them because you didn’t believe or because humans had hurt them too much, and they wanted to remain unseen. Humans have a horrible track record of dealing with nice things anyway; just look at the story of the garden of Eden.

    Did someone say delusional?

    Do you know how tapped you must be to stay up past 12 as a nine-year-old waiting to see your toys come alive or a fairy coming to grant a wish? In Nigeria? 

    I can’t even judge little me because life’s tough, and I’m pretty sure these movies saved me at a point when I needed an escape. 

    It’s one thing to read the books and come to ridiculous conclusions about what a creature from a fantasy world looks like. Can you imagine watching The Lord of the Rings as a child, seeing that evil skeleton baby man Smeagol and thinking, yeah, fantasy movies are my drug of choice? This is appealing. We die here? 

    But things don’t just appear from nowhere, and if we can have real-life tales of witches turning children into yam, why can’t kind witches who give you nice things exist?

    Imagine already being the skinny, quiet tiny kid younger than everyone in your class and then when you talk to someone, your mouth says things like this,

    Hi, I’m Kai. I’m a Slytherin, a Whovian, a demigod, a divergent, a Narnian, a wallflower, a shadow hunter, etc. I imagine ‌it must have been exhausting for the people I met. Eventually, after years of trying to drown this part of me, I met people who enjoyed everything about living in a fantasy like me. People unwilling to face reality. Or maybe that’s just the “adult” in me talking because what’s so amazing about being present in this reality? You breathe too much, and you’ve spent 20k. It was too late though, the me that was a believer had already died. 

    The tragedy of growing older 

    I watched and consumed all these stories and movies to escape, for them to save me, and half of their central theme was that no one would come to do that. I  had to save myself.

    But I’m glad I’m a walking encyclopaedia of magical jargon. Maybe one day I’ll get my letter, and it’ll be worth the obsession. No, not the one from Hogwarts; OGs knew that the better letter was the one from The Magicians. 

    Sometimes, when I miss the person I used to be before the cynicism that comes with being an “adult” kicked in, I go back to watch all those movies: Narnia, Percy Jackson, Eragon, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Jumanji, and every Studio Ghibli and Tim Burton movie ever. But they don’t feel the same. All that sense of wonder I used to feel is now much more fleeting. 

    These movies taught me everything I’m made up of at my core. They stressed the importance of friendships and found-families. They grounded my need for adventure, taught me the importance of believing in myself, that it’s okay to be a little different and that there can be magic in the mundane too. 

    Still, the further I strayed from my childhood, the less I believed in these things and the sadder I became. All I’m left with is a painful awareness of whatever real life is. 

    The end 

    So here’s a tip: if a child or person in your life likes something enough to make it their entire personality, if they’re not hurting anyone or behaving like an incel, just let them be. Allow them enjoy their shit before they stop believing in it. Most of them will outgrow it anyway, but the best people? They’ll stay that way forever, and society is always better with people like them. 

    When they can see the things they enjoy being created, they always go out and make them. You name everything from animations to movies, books, cosplaying, and music. The world needs more dreamers. 

    There’s a lot that I can thank my parents for, but I’m glad they let me consume such ridiculous amounts of magical media I enjoyed growing up. I’m convinced that I had a great childhood. My therapist will say otherwise, but what does she know?

    In all this, I hope people never stop creating movies about children being transported to fantasy lands, magical old men talking in riddles, talking animals and kind fairies who give good gifts. Because there will always be that one kid ‌ these movies will save, and there’s no better way for a person to appreciate your art than making it their entire personality.

    Here’s to the ones who dream. 


  • How to Behave When You Meet Your Boyfriend’s Mother for the First Time

    How to Behave When You Meet Your Boyfriend’s Mother for the First Time

    Since we all know most Nigerian mothers are in love with love their sons, here are some things you should note before you meet your future mother-in-law for the first time. 

    Start crawling from the gate to greet her 

    Imagine trying to greet your future mother-in-law with a hug and a smile? As you enter the gate, take off your shoes and start crawling and you sing her praises. “Oh Lord and personal mistress, I have come o!”

    No make up or artificial nails. If possible, come naked 

    Well, since this is your chance to prove that you’ll be a good wife, might as well come naked. Since we’ve turned a visit to inspection. Let them know what they’re really getting into. 

    Pound yam and fetch firewood

    Because the people that invented gas and pounding machines are FOOLS! You’re an industrious woman that can make sure her boyfriend is well taken care of in true traditional fashion irrespective of the circumstances. 

    When you finish cooking, kneel down and serve your boyfriend 

    A humble girlfriend is a good girlfriend. Your master  boyfriend needs to eat, and as a subservient girlfriend, you have to serve your king while on your knees. If he goes to the kitchen to dish his food himself, you’ve lost the plot. 

    RELATED: How to Be the Perfect Nigerian Mother-in-Law to Your Son’s Wife

    If you’re taller than your boyfriend’s mother, reduce your height 

    If not they’d think you’re proud. How can you as a woman be taller than your future mother-in-law? Does that not mean you think you’re above her? Your better shrink your height.  

    Fetch water in the house before you leave 

    So what if they have running water? Find empty basins and fetch some water. You can even ask your mother-in-law to join you. You can’t spell bondage without bond, innit? 

    Wash all the clothes in the house 

    Dirty or clean, just wash them. Prove yourself. 

    RELATED: 8 Types of Nigerian Mothers-in-Law

    If there’s meat in your food, return it 

    You’re eating meat at your boyfriend’s mother’s house? Is this playing? Who the fuck do you think you are? Better return the meat. How else will they know you’re humble and from a good home? 

    Sing the national anthem

    Nobody wants a daughter-in-law that isn’t patriotic. If you really want to burst her head? Sing the second stanza too. Omo mehn. 

    Mop their compound 

    At this point, you’re thinking outside the box. An innovative queen. 

    RELATED: How to Be the Perfect Daughter-in-Law According to Nigerians

  • Creator Spotlight: H Thinks People Who Get Tattoos Are Heroes and So Do We

    Creator Spotlight: H Thinks People Who Get Tattoos Are Heroes and So Do We

    My name is H,  I like to live almost anonymously. I don’t want anybody to be able to remember me, so I can up and go whenever.

    Outside my 9-5, I’m a tattoo artist and body modification enthusiast. I used to be an athlete with the strength to throw a discus. But ask me to take a 20-minute walk now; I’d rather die. 

    Give me all the tea on your tattoo journey

    I’ve been a tattoo artist for almost two years. It happened when I moved to Abuja in late 2020; my friend was getting tattooed and asked me to come to watch. I went there with plans to get a tattoo but ended up telling the tattoo artist — now my business partner — to teach me. He asked if I was serious, and that’s how it started. I took classes, watched him tattoo. In a little under a month, he was tattooing someone and had to leave, so he turned to me and went, “You’re up.”

    Wow, that was bold! How did the first time feel? 

    I was so excited, my heart was going off in my chest, and this person had no idea what was going on. He was just waiting for me at the table and giving me his body. It’s a new learning experience each time. Everybody’s skin and healing levels are different; needles and ink react differently too. It’s very intimate when someone leaves their house and says they want to pay you x amount of money to permanently mark them. My confidence peaks everytime this happens. 

    What was the first tattoo you drew? 

    It was a single Japanese character. I don’t remember what it means now. But my partner had done the line work and I just had to shade it in. I quickly learnt that fake skin is nothing compared to the real thing. You just have to be confident and finesse it. I saw it recently, and it looks great.

    Some of here work

    Ever messed up a tattoo?

    No. The issues I had were healing-related. The customer ignored my aftercare instructions. When I tattoo people, I text them every day within the first two weeks, but every time I’d text her to show me the tattoo, she’d weasel her way out of it. After ghosting me for a month, she texted me saying it was hurting. I tell people they can’t go to the gym or go swimming until their tattoo heals, and they just do what they want instead. She was using aloe vera and completely derailed from my aftercare instructions. But at least, it didn’t get infected. 

    What’s the most common mistake people make after getting a tattoo?

    Tattoos are open wounds, so they tend to itch while your body is trying to cover up the skin. People pick at it, not knowing that spot will end up not having as much pigmentation as the rest of the tattoo. They’ll need to come back and get it touched up. Don’t itch new tattoos. Also, for first-timers, start with small to medium tattoos on less painful places like the arms. I’ve tattooed someone on the back of her ear, and she said it didn’t hurt. Women would get painful tattoos for their firsts and take it like champs. They tell you to tattoo down their ribs and spine, no fear. 

    Now, I’m scared of getting a tattoo. What’s the most challenging tattoo you’ve done so far?

    Haba, it’s not that bad. 

    I’ve tattooed over 50 people, so let’s see. I’ll say the person that ghosted me for a month without completing her tattoo. It was supposed to be an interpretation of the Gemini zodiac sign — a huge double-sided head on her back, which must’ve been painful for her — and we could only do one head the first day. She’s come back for a bunch of other tattoos since, but we haven’t gone back to the Gemini one because I want to see how it continues to interact with the ink. I tend to fix my sessions over the weekend so the client gets the whole weekend to let the tattoos heal. But there are so many styles of tattoos I haven’t tried yet.

    Like what? 

    There’s black and gray realism; that’s my partner’s specialisation. There’s blackwork which I’d like to do full time, but I don’t think the average Nigerian is ready to commit to that. I imagine it’s painful, but it always looks cool. Maybe I’ll convince a client to let me give them a free one and see how it goes. Tattooing is very reliant on word-of-mouth, and referrals are based on good work.

    an example of a blackout tattoo

    Does this mean Nigerians aren‘t daring with tattoos?

    To be fair, everybody is getting tattoos now, which I love so it’s a 50/50 situation. There are people who want and get lots of tattoos, and people who have sentiments attached to it, so they get that one tattoo. There are those who want one but don’t want to commit to getting anything over the top, so they go for simple stuff they can easily hide. Not me, though. I have big tattoos, and when I get asked if it affects my 9-5, I’m like if I walk into a room with my tattoos showing and you decide not to work with me professionally because of them, that’s on you. 

    What’s your 9-5, and do your tattoos affect it?

    I lead a small group of writers in a media company. So, no. I just get stares. But then again, I have a piercing in my mouth. By the time I smile at you, you’d know what you signed up for. Last year, I had to be on an advisory board with people from a private media house, NGOs, the Ministry of Justice, the army and the presidency. So I tried to hide some of my tattoos because I understand it’s a lot to take in at once. I wore a short sleeve, but you could see a bit of my parrot tattoo poking out. After we were done with the session, people came over to see the tattoo because it’d been distracting them. They asked what it meant, and TBH, I don’t know. It’s just a parrot named Polly.

    Her parrot tattoo

    How many tattoos do you have? 

    I currently have five, and they are all big. At this point in my life, I don’t want to get a small tattoo. The most painful one I have has some lines that run into my armpits. But, my tattoo artist “wisdom” is when the needle stops, the pain stops. 

    Most of the tattoos I want to have are floral. I love flowers. I think my body is a garden, and eventually, when we die, we’ll return to the earth, so why not prepare myself for that, I suppose? I have a tattoo that’s half face, half flower. So when people ask what it represents, I tell them it’s a tribute to the Mayan goddess of tattoos and body modifications. It’s on the back of my right arm, so it helps me to say a little prayer to the goddess — like, madam, I want to tattoo somebody, bless me.

    Do you think tattoos have to mean something?

    I don’t. If you like a tattoo design because you think it’s cool, do it. The people who get one just for fun are my favourites. It’s bold to come in and put something on your body that has no bearing on your life. In fact, you’re a hero. When people ask, “what if I change my mind?” I say, “well, you get another one”. 

    People change their minds all the time. I don’t do cover-ups, but my partner does. Recently, we had this couple come in to get matching tattoos, and a few months later, one of them returned to have it covered. Tattooing is fun like that, but it would be more fun if I didn’t have to take it as a business.

    Oh? It’s not fun because you’ve had to monetise it?

    Not just because I’ve had to monetise it. We’re in Nigeria. Tattooing is not a big thing here. Most of the needles, ink and equipment we need have to be shipped, so as the prices continue to go up, our charges have to adjust to make some form of profit. When clients come in, and we say how much it’ll cost, I feel bad because I don’t want to charge so much, but the country is weird.

    What’s your price range like?

    It depends on the size, location or style. A small one would be about ₦20k. I can’t say for the big ones. But the tattoos on my body probably round up to ₦500k. The biggest tattoo I’ve drawn was for a client-turned-friend of ours. It covered half of his back and took us two sessions; it cost about ₦300k. Some tattooists charge more than us; everyone charges differently.

    Oh, I’m not judging. Art should cost as much as the artists think it should

    Exactly. Tattooing takes a toll on your body. We bend over people’s bodies for hours. We’ve had clients leave the studio at 2 a.m. You have to be awake for a long time and be alert. If I have to tattoo something big, I don’t eat so I don’t get tired. It’s a lot of work. You have to soothe anxious or scared people and take in their underlying health issues. Are you hypertensive or do you have blood-related anomalies? You might bleed a little if you’re any of these things. 

    What’s been your favourite career moment?

    I reached out to Adrian Harlow once. She does coloured tattoos for people of colour, which can be very tricky, so she gave me tips, and that was cool of her. Apart from black, I’ve only done red tattoos so far.

    Generally, every moment is my favourite. You need to see me when I finish a tattoo, I always have the biggest smile on my face. Sometimes, I’m so jealous of the clients because I wish I had their tattoo on my body. I also like returning clients. Lately, we had five people come to get the same tattoo, that was nice. We’ve had people come with a friend and decide to get one too. It’s all just enjoyable to witness.

    What does the next couple of years look like?

    If I’m not dead, I should still be tattooing. Tattooing is usually a man’s thing, but we have more women like me doing it now. I want to be able to have my own studio. I love working with my partner, but who knows where he’d be five years from now? People grow up, marry or ideals change. He gave me the best gift. Fun fact: the tattoo I originally wanted to get? I still haven’t got it. It’s supposed to be a cat drinking wine. Now, it’s a running joke between us. 

    If you could tattoo anything on your body right now, what and where would it be?

    Not you interviewing me? Well, it’ll probably be the heart of Etheria from She-Ra, on my collarbone. I’m a basic bitch.


    Enjoyed this? Read last week’s article: Creator Spotlight: Mitya, the Mukbang Creator Who Tells Stories Through Food

  • 4 Nigerians Talk About the Anime Characters Patience Ozokwor Could Learn Wickedness From

    4 Nigerians Talk About the Anime Characters Patience Ozokwor Could Learn Wickedness From

    Some anime characters are so wicked that Patience Ozokwor could learn a thing or two from them. These four Nigerians have some passionate opinions on those characters. 

    Toyo (She/They)

    Lowkey, everything about Dio Brando’s character gives me the ick. Anyone who watches JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure and likes him is a psychopath. This man is from hell, — literally since he’s a vampire, hit a dog and then burnt the dog. Why would anyone fight something that can’t fight back? Even Patience Ozokwor used to manage to have small emotions and just poison things. 

    Dio Brando also turned a woman into a vampire and made her eat her child. If I had to describe him to someone, I’d say imagine if a genie, a character from Sailor Moon and a bodybuilder had a child.

    Shelah – They/She/Him

    The anime character I find wicked is Yagami Light from Death Note. Nobody is wickeder than that dude, abeg. He had a god complex, and I honestly don’t understand how people keep saying he’s right! HE’S NOT! 

    He found a death note owned by a Shinigami, and the rule is that any human who finds the note can kill anyone by just writing their names in the book. At first, he started writing names of criminals, but this nigga graduated to killing his father (not technically, but still). In total, he killed a total of 124,925 people with that note. There’s simply no justification for that. 

     Kurome-chan – She/Her 

    Prime Minister Honest from Akame ga Kill because he’s a fool. An idiotic, selfish, irresponsible character. He was self-involved and willing to let everybody in the kingdom die because of his ambitions. He’s like if Uncle Iroh from Avatar was evil and heartless. I don’t know why they kept calling him honest, someone that is the best at being manipulative and emotionally abusive to everybody. Dfkm. If I catch that guy, it’s on sight.

    Niel – He/Him

    I watch anime and read manga and manhua a lot, and so far, the evilest character I’ve come across is All For One from My Hero Academia. He emotionally and physically abused his son Shigaraki to the point that he became out of control. Shigaraki started to use his decay quirk to destroy things so that people could feel and relive the same pain he felt in his childhood days with All For One. I also want to use this chance to say that all the people in the hidden leaf village from Naruto are wicked. How can you bully and shun an innocent child, unaware of whatever evil demon was inside him and still come to depend on him consistently to save you? A bunch of foolish nonsense people. 

    READ ALSO: These 7 Anime Dads Aren’t Going to Win Father of the Year

    Editor’s Note: Answers from respondents have been lightly edited for clarity.


  • 7 Nigerians Say These Are Their Comfort K-Drama

    7 Nigerians Say These Are Their Comfort K-Drama

    K-drama fans will never admit it, but sometimes these dramas are too long. So, imagine loving one enough to watch it more than once, just because it makes you feel good? We spoke to six Nigerian K-drama fans about their comfort K-dramas and here’s what they had to say. 

    Jazz (21) — Reply 1988

    Reply 1988 is a really beautiful show about five different families living on the same street, that mainly focuses on the relationship between the children from each of the families. 

    As someone who’s always found solace in friendship more than family, It’s so comforting watching their friendship blossom from childhood to adulthood. It reassures me that friendship can be enough. It touches on so much: loneliness, love, friends from different social classes and how they support each other. Also, the OST is so good, I listen to it all the time. Everyone needs to watch it. Even though the episodes are long AF — each episode is about 90mins — they’re totally worth it.

    I’ve watched it about four =times and I can’t count how many times I’ve rewatched some of the episodes. It’s soft and emotional, so keep your tissue nearby ‘cause you’ll definitely cry a lot.

    RELATED: The Ultimate Nigerian K-drama Fan Starter Pack

    Moyomade (21) — Jang Bo Ri, Dali and Cocky prince

    I have different comfort Kdramas for different phases of my life. My comfort K-drama as a teen was Jang Bo Ri. I must have watched it like 400 times. 

    Currently, it’s Dali and Cocky prince. It’s my comfort K-drama because it has all the elements I love. It’s romantic with a strong female lead who stands up for herself and everything she loves. Also, it’s a love story between an artsy girl and an abrasive guy from the food industry beating their enemies together. It was just very refreshing, had a lot of surprises, and had a cuteness overload. 

    I fall in love with Dali every time I see her cute face and those two curly strands she always leaves out when she styles her hair. Not to mention, it’s also funny. It’s one of the most enjoyable K-drama series I’ve seen in a while and this is me picking it over Alchemy of Souls and Extraordinary Attorney Woo.

    Milola (25) — Goblin and Tale of the Nine Tailed 

    Goblin is a tragic story, but there’s something very warm and comforting about it. 

    Tale of the Nine-Tailed, on the other hand, is hilarious and has two of my favourite Korean actors. I’m guaranteed a laugh every time I rewatch it. 

    If I had to recommend them to someone, I’d describe Goblin as one of the most satisfying takes on a story that has been told over and over again. It’s an emotional rollercoaster everyone should experience at least twice in their lives.

    Seki (20) — The Heirs

    The Heirs is from a simpler time when popular K-dramas were all about rich guy-poor girl relationships. Except it’s different because both main characters had really complex feelings. And even though both characters were  young they articulated them well. All the side characters were also well developed. I’ve seen this series about five times now.  Who wouldn’t enjoy a romantic drama about a boy finding himself and trying to fix and maintain relationships with everyone around him?

    Nnenna (22) — Search WWW, Be Melodramatic, Age of Youth and Thirty Nine

    All four of them are girls’ type of K-drama. The genre is female relationships and figuring out life, both personal and professional, with other women. I like it because it shows how very different women can love each other through everything. They also show how all  women don’t have to be friends without villainising the characters. 

    In these series, there’s no “evil woman out for your life” trope, just women with other interests figuring themselves out. Sometimes you don’t click but you can still respect each other. They also show women navigating misogyny and rape culture. But even beyond that, they show joy and strong friendships because sometimes you just need your babes in your corner. 

    I’ve seen all four shows multiple times. And if I had to describe them to someone, I would say, imagine a video edit of Jonathan and David from the bible with Best Friend by Saweetie and Doja Cat as the background music.

    Vicky (53) — Vincenzo

    I’ve seen a lot of K-dramas because of my kids, so picking one is difficult. I used to love The King’s Heart but that’s old now. The most comforting drama I’ve seen in a while is Vincenzo. The situations these characters found themselves in felt real. The show was equal parts hilarious and intense when necessary. I loved that it emphasized the need for community with how all the tenants bonded and fought for what they believed in. Vincenzo is also a handsome guy, he looked harmless but could be capable of great evil, but that’s what makes him who he is. 

    He never pretended to be anything other than he was. I loved all the twists and was happy to see the good people win in the end. I usually prefer romantic K-dramas but I’m going to be watching Vincenzo for a long time. 

    ALSO READ: QUIZ: Can You Guess the K-drama From Its Iconic Line?

  • What Makes 40+ Nigerians Feel Like They’re 20 Again? 9 of Them Explain

    What Makes 40+ Nigerians Feel Like They’re 20 Again? 9 of Them Explain

    It’s International Youth Day, so I decided to ask nine oldies what makes them feel young at heart. And I can’t lie, some of these guys are living life more than some people in their 20s.

    Tejiri*, 55, smoking

    I grew up in Warri and started smoking in secondary school. I started out with cigarettes, so it’s the only thing I really enjoy. I did try weed with a few friends in university, but it didn’t hit the same and I can’t explain why.

    Some people may look at smoking at least one cigarette after my meal as an addiction, but that time in my backyard late at night or early in the morning makes me feel really connected to my youth. For a moment, I’m not 55. With my cigarette, I’m just back to hiding at the back of classes, smoking weed with my friends.

    Amaka, 51, roasted pear

    My fondest memory of my youth is sneaking away from my chores at home to my grandmother’s house. She lived behind my street, so getting there was easy. I loved those brief moments of doing nothing with her and my favourite part was the roasted peer she gave me any time I visited. 

    So whenever it’s pear season, like now, I can’t do without buying some for me and my kids. It just makes life feel a bit simpler.

    RELATED: Nigerians, Here’s What Your Favourite Street Food Says About You

    Emeka*, 57, sports

    I played every kind of sport back in UNIBEN in 1985. I was always athletic as a kid, so from football to badminton and swimming competitions, I was front and centre. Then three years after university, I broke both my knees trying to jump over a fence to escape some thieves. I had to learn how to walk again, so sports was completely out of the question.

    I haven’t been able to play football or any really active sport like I used to. But swimming is something I’ve kept up with and I do with my youngest son now. It doesn’t give me the same adrenaline as competing in a match, but it makes me feel young being in a pool and just moving.

    Pamela*, 40, watching K-drama

    Right now, feeling young comes from the days I don’t need to do anything with myself. And watching romantic Korean movies takes my mind off everything that’s bothering me, especially my health. All the drama feels so unreal, but it’s what I love about K-dramas.

    Ronke*, 45, spontaneity

    I feel young again when I take spontaneous decisions. Normally, I’d have to factor in my husband and two kids, but the moments I take a decision to travel with a friend without overthinking things, I feel like a kid again. Mostly because spontaneity allows me to imagine my life without my current responsibilities.

    Dwin, 27 (but acts 40+), knowing what’s hip

    What makes me feel young? When I know the Gen Z slangs. Like ‘okuurr’, ‘big purrr’ (insert other Gen Z sounds).

    RELATED: If Gen Zs Don’t Say These 12 Things in a Day, They Might Actually Die

    Tomiwa, 40, fitness, work and a social life

    Being fit, active and having the energy to do everything I want or need to makes me feel like age isn’t catching up with me. My work in media also makes me feel like I’m plugged into the world and what is being created. I also engage with a wide range of people from different age groups. 

    There’s a lot to look forward to; a long optimistic horizon of things to accomplish and things I haven’t done yet. And living out what feels like a full life, with fulfilling work and social life, real friendships and families keeps me from thinking I’m getting old.

    Uche, 42, wine

    Every day I come back from work, I just want to catch up on my 7 p.m. shows like Tinsel, and end the day with a glass of wine at 10 p.m. Does it make me feel young? Not exactly. It’s just a momentary pleasure that stops time for a few moments. I don’t think about my two kids, my job or the fact that I’ll do it all over again tomorrow.

    Daniel*, 56, driving

    When I was in my second year at university, my father gave me his Peugeot 504 to get around. I was a young guy staying off campus and schooling in UNIBEN at the time, so that car unlocked a new level of freedom for me. 

    I was invited to every single party on campus the moment people noticed I had a car. Most people didn’t, so I was the guy who could pick up babes for the parties outside school. And of course, I could easily drive down to UNILAG, for instance. My social status basically went up in my second year, and it made me love driving, especially on wide-open roads.

    Now, I get those flashbacks to my party days when I drive sometimes. It makes me feel good and young.

    Onyeche, 52, dyeing my hair

    At the beginning of 2022, my daughter kept going on and on about how my hair wasn’t growing anymore. She suggested cutting and dyeing it gold. I felt it would be a bit drastic. But when she went back to school in March, I got bored and decided to try it out. She’d recommended a saloon, so I drove down and showed them a picture of the style she suggested. It had a side part and fade, but I didn’t want to over-analyse my decision at that point.

    When they were done, it was such a relief to get rid of my hair. The gold dye completely changed my look, and I loved it. I haven’t looked back on my decision since then. I even just dyed my hair red. It’s loud, but that’s the part about dyeing my hair that feels so youthful.

    ALSO READ: Beginner Tips to Know Before Dyeing Your Hair

  • Creator Spotlight: Mitya, the Mukbang Creator Who Tells Stories Through Food

    Creator Spotlight: Mitya, the Mukbang Creator Who Tells Stories Through Food

    Hi, I’m Mitya, my pronouns are she/her and I’m a food critic and tourist. My food ick is I have a problem with people who soak garri with groundnut and milk. And for an Igbo person, I don’t like ukwa. Something people don’t know is I’m reticent. I’m always expected to be outgoing and the life of the party, but I’m that millennial you’ll find sleeping at the club by 4 a.m. 

    Confession time. I remember seeing you on my timeline, always eating a lot of eggs 

    Oh no. You know the crazy egg lady. I used to talk about her like she never existed and tried to deny her. Those were dark times. But eating eggs is a big part of my diet. I support Ghanaians; eggs can go with anything. Egg in pepper soup, ogbono, banga and okro soup slaps. I’ve decided not to be in the egg closet anymore, so I’m coming out now to say I’m proud of it.

    I… Wow. Was that how you got into mukbangs?

    In 2020, I went on my first food tour of Akwa-Ibom. While I was there, we got the news COVID had hit. I was with my sister and friends, so we had to return to Warri. It didn’t take long before there was a lockdown. I’ve always had a passion for food, so when I couldn’t travel to create content, I decided to start making mukbang content. For me, it was trying to show the world what I’m capable of through eating, basically, for bragging rights. I got into mukbangs because I love food. Food for me is better than love. It’ll never break your heart.

    Mitya’s first mukbang.

    How many states have you created content in since then?

    I’ve made content in Asaba, in Delta state, which is where I live. I’ve been to Port Harcourt, Yenogoa, Oshogbo, Abuja, Lagos, Maiduguri, Ilorin and Ibadan. Just seven so far. 

    How did you stay safe in Maiduguri?

    After I went to Maiduguri, I realised all the rest of Nigeria sees is stories about the bombing and crises. I’m not a fearful person; I have a lot of passion for what I do and a “you only live once” mindset, so I don’t care if I die doing what I love. So yes, I went there because I needed to tell their story differently from what mainstream media shows. I understand it’s dangerous, but there’s a lot more happening in these places. 

    You’re fearless o

    Actually, Maiduguri was peaceful when I was there, but the surrounding towns weren’t. In fact, after I left, I heard about a bomb blast in Maiduguri. But before you ask, I can’t wait to go back there, that’s how much I enjoyed it. It’s a secular state, and while I tried to blend in by wearing a hijab, there was no need to. I met friendly people, and they have Christians there too.

    And what about the language barrier?

     I kept meeting people who spoke English. Many people speak Hausa there, but it’s not a major dialect in Maiduguri. I wouldn’t have known that if I’d never visited. I also got to eat a bunny there. 

    What does a bunny taste like? Wait, don’t answer. What are some other weird foods you’ve eaten?

    I wouldn’t say weird, but the most challenging thing I’ve tried was the edible worms/tree lava called “Bayelsa suya”. It’s a major delicacy in Bayelsa, and while I wasn’t crazy about it, it’s an acquired taste. In Maiduguri, there were locusts which tasted like dried shrimps, camel meat slow-cooked over gas and a roasted bunny rabbit.  

    The poor rabbit.
    Mitya with edible worms.
    Her eating locust.
    Mitya eating a monitor lizard in Ilorin.

    Does your day job fund your mukbangs?

    Yes, but it’s not a nine-to-five. I co-own a food consulting company. We hire staff for restaurant development, social media management/strategy, staff training and tour guides. I mean, travelling and eating are expensive.

    What’s the most and least expensive state you’ve been to so far?

    Both my Abuja food tours were costly. The cheapest was Osun state. At a point, I was even begging people to take my money there. 

    Travel to Osun, noted. Do you have a favourite state you’ve visited? 

    No. Every state has its special memory and amazing food, and I wouldn’t compare them. Eating local dishes in their states of origin hits different. It’s like the dish is telling you a story, and my job is to tell stories about the culture of people through food. Nothing connects people like food, not even football.

    What are the best and worst things people have said about your mukbangs?

    People have told me I’ll die soon, or be hospitalised, and I’m wasting money. Some have said I only do this because a man is funding me. Despite all that, I love when my old followers are proud of me and acknowledge my growth. Or when I leave food reviews, and people tell me it helped boost sales. 

    There’s also my dada. Being my biggest fan, he’d comment on every post and help me shoot videos; he still does these things. I got him to participate in a mukbang contest one time, and he won. People loved it. He’s where I got my appetite from. 

    How fulfilled do you feel?

    I don’t always feel fulfilled — sometimes, I get imposter syndrome — but what I do makes me happy. If I wasn’t creating mukbang, I’d be a poet. In fact, I’m a poet. I just didn’t blow with that one. All I want from life is to keep doing things that help me express myself. 

    What’s something you wish food content creators would do?

    I feel like sometimes, we are passive about our Nigerian dishes. I don’t see the excitement or flair we give western foods. I’m very pro-African food; my social media is full of it. Afro-fusion is nice, but our dishes are magical on their own. All of us as content creators need to shine more light on Nigerian Cuisine. 

    That’s why when I travel I make sure to showcase the traditional dishes of that particular region. There’s much more to Nigerian cuisine than suya, Jollof rice, Egusi soup and fufu, and food content creators across Nigeria can help showcase that.


    IF YOU ENJOYED THIS ARTICLE, READ THIS NEXT: Creators Spotlight: Peer Pressure Got Plantboy into Gardening

  • My Mum’s Death Is the Reason I Don’t Speak to My Dad Anymore

    My Mum’s Death Is the Reason I Don’t Speak to My Dad Anymore

    As told to Sheriff

    I thought I was going to have a typical conversation with Daniel* when we somehow hit on the issue of climate change and what it’s doing to people down south. Then he told me that he’d lost his mother to mercury poisoning. 


    I grew up in Bayelsa in a family of five with two older brothers. My dad had made the ridiculous decision of choosing to cultivate oil palms in one of the worst places to farm Nigeria. 

    It was a riverine area so floods happened during the high tides that destroyed farms. It was humid all year, and there wasn’t a lot of rain. Somehow, my dad thought he’ll trade oil palms for the meantime while he cultivated his own plantations. That was exactly what he did and he made good money.

    Life was good and we had every form of softness one could think of. My father put me and my brothers in boarding school in the city while he stayed back in the community where his farming thing was going on. We used to go back home once every three month. I remember us making grilled fish together with my mum. We did that till my brothers left Nigeria to go to school abroad. But things started to go south when a petroleum exploration company started operations off the coast of our community. 

    You’ve probably heard the oil spill story so many times it’s now a cliché, but the effects are actually wild. For the first two years of their operations, everything was fine. But after that period, things started to change. The first thing we noticed was that fish became a bit more expensive. I remember my mum complaining during one of my holidays about how she couldn’t understand why fish would be expensive in a riverine area. We didn’t immediately think that it was because the supply of fish was depleting. 

    Things became clearly bad when we people started dying after having a bout of serious illness. The pattern was consistent — tremors, difficulty breathing, then kidney damage. It turned out that offshore oil spills were feeding into the streams that watered our farms. So we had been eating a lot of toxic chemicals in our food for a long time.

    One time, I came home from the university to meet my mother having similar symptoms to this pattern that I talked about. They weren’t severe, but they were enough to make me paranoid. She couldn’t even handle fish steadily one time when we cooked together. She and my father seemed very nonchalant about it, and I just couldn’t wrap my head around why. Hadn’t enough people lost their lives for them to show some semblance of worry?

    I told my dad I thought this was mercury poisoning slowly affecting my mother. The symptoms were all there. The tremors she had, her headaches, her lack of sleep, and breathing problems. I told him we needed to move out of that community to the city since we could afford it. He said no. He had too much time and money invested into his palm oil plantation for him to leave. This was on top of the fact that the plantation was already getting poor yields because the oil spills were affecting the soil. Our conversation snowballed into an argument, then a fight, after which he left home to stay on his plantation for a while.

    I tried bringing my older brothers into this fight with me, but they were abroad and there was very little they could do from there. One night,  about a month after the fight, I left home with my mum for the city because she had developed serious difficulty with breathing and urinating, and her general condition had gotten worse. I called my dad to inform him of what had happened, and all he said was “Okay”. It sounded as if he didn’t believe me. That was the last time I heard from him before my mother died. 

    With the financial help of my older brothers, I was able to take her to a hospital in Yenagoa, where she was diagnosed with kidney failure secondary to mercury poisoning. My brothers were furious that I hadn’t called sooner but my mother hated having to ask for help with anything. I ended up calling them but they couldn’t help with much. We needed to find her a donor quickly and we needed a lot of money for her surgery. I tried to call my father but since there was still a lot of bad blood between us, he wouldn’t talk to me. Whenever he was angry, he had this stubbornness that made him blind to everything else.

    While my brothers and I were able to raise the money for her care, her condition had gotten worse.  

    I remember crying my eyes out in the hospital ward, cursing at my dad for putting us in such a situation the day she stopped breathing. She was carried back to our home where she was buried, but I couldn’t bear to attend her funeral after watching her die needlessly. 

    I can’t stand to look my dad in the eye and not feel like harming him. I hold him responsible for what happened. The environmental situation of our community was bad enough, but his total negligence of the woman he called his wife struck me as nothing short of wicked. 


    This 23-Year-Old Wants To Combat Climate Change With His Locally-Made Solar Car


    Every year, about 16,000 babies die in Nigeria due to the effects of environmental pollution and climate change. The people hit the hardest are the poorest of our population. Crtve Development is working hard at ensuring that climate justice is achieved across Africa.

    Climate justice moves the focus of climate change from being solely an environmental issue to a human rights issue. In the lead-up to the United Nations Climate Change Conference (COP 27), Crtve Development is rolling out the WE!ARE climate justice campaign to socialise the effects of climate change on Africans, and to amplify the experiences of young people with climate change. Visit Africa by We! to get involved.

    Editor’s Note: *Name has been changed to provide anonymity to the subject

  • I Observed an Anime Group Chat for Two Days. Here’s How It Went

    I Observed an Anime Group Chat for Two Days. Here’s How It Went

    I’m not nosy, but my 17-year-old junior brother is always talking about how funny the guys on his anime group chats are. I was bored, so I begged him to send me an invite. 

    As someone who spent an uncomfortable amount of time on anime group chats when I was 16, I know how messy they can be, but funny? I had to see. 

    People of earth, this boy lied. All these boys do is argue and share hentai links, and now, I’m worried my brother’s humour is broken. Here are the things I noticed in my two days on the group chat.

    They don’t text during the day

    I learnt this the hard way when I joined in the morning and tried to introduce myself. I got the airing of a lifetime. E pain me small, but who has died from being aired? Exactly, no one. 

    They all flock out like evil spirits at 11 p.m. because that’s when their midnight data starts working, so they can download anime and fight each other. 

    One of the rare occasions when they messaged during the day. The next reply was by 7. 

    These boys might stay single forever

    The first thing I saw when I joined was a link to Hentai Haven. Why are they casually sharing porn? It was at this point I decided to read their group’s info, and I became scared for my life.

    I wish they were joking, but people actually introduced themselves this way. 

    The lack of girls 

    It’s not that there are no girls on the group chat. They just don’t talk, and I don’t blame them. 

    The one time I saw a girl talk, she mentioned that she didn’t like Vinland Saga, and they dragged her for at least an hour.  Then they started to question if she liked anime at all. 

    I guess this gives you a preamble of why I lasted only two days.

    They’re always arguing 

    I’m not policing what these boys do with their midnight data, but why would you use it to argue about characters that don’t even exist in the same anime? When you could be downloading or streaming anime?

    Sir, first of all, what is this name? 

    Then, there’s this guy who either watches the back of the TV or likes to start drama. 

    RELATED: How to Disguise as an Anime Fan

    And this guy who’s obviously the group’s clown.

    There’s this one guy who kinda has taste… kinda

    I’d already braced myself for an insane amount of “new anime” conversations. But there’s this one guy who’s always trying to get the group to watch older anime by making memes like these: 

    One Piece should have ranked first, but this is fine too. 

    To be on this group chat, you have to have thick skin because they will insult you for stupid takes 

    After spending time with these guys, I’ve come to the conclusion that anime fans are not very nice people. Why are you arguing with someone over a fictional character? I say this while knowing that if someone comes for my fave I will insult their ancestors tbh.  

    This guy deserved the insults, why would you disrespect Haikyuu?

    Society will never be free from comrade memes 

    For two days, I felt trapped in “the bad place”. You can’t scroll without seeing at least 10 comrade memes. Now, I live in fear of seeing these things when I close my eyes: 

    RELATED: Love It or Hate It: Comrade Memes

    Why do they use annoying usernames?

    Dear Uvuvwevwevwe onyetenvewve ugwemubwem ossas, your mother did not name you Shikamaru. Do you know how unnerving it is to see a pop-up WhatsApp notification from someone called Orochimaru? What happened to nicknames like Pweshyboi001 or GangsterTobs123?  Two days on this group chat and I tapped into my inner Nigerian father. 

    The one who said he has mental issues did not lie. 

    They drag other cinematic universes into their problems

    There’s always that one guy ready to shout, “Batman will beat Goku” or “ Superman will beat One Punch Man”. From where to where? Comparing Marvel or DC characters to anime characters makes no sense because in what multiverse will they have to fight each other?

    I’m anti-military rule, but this guy was promptly removed, which made me happy. 

    I considered staying an extra day,  but the next morning I woke up to 1k plus messages. 

    From one group chat? Please, please, I’m an old person. 

    READ ALSO: Why Watching Anime With Nigerians Is Always Hilarious

  • The Gay Dating Experience: Expectations vs Reality

    The Gay Dating Experience: Expectations vs Reality

    A while back, I wrote about the realities of the lesbian dating experience and realised I had to do one for people in gay relationships too. For this, I spoke to several people in the gay community, and here’s what they shared with me about the reality of gay relationships.

    You’ll enjoy each other’s shows 

    Expectations: You’ll love each other’s shows and  be willing to wait for the other person when new episodes come out.  

    Reality: One of you will spend the entire relationship begging the other to watch your shows. And one person will always be ahead of the other on the one you end up watching together. Life’s tough, but love is tougher.

    RELATED: 5 Bisexual Men Talk About Discovering Their Sexuality

    After the talking stage, a relationship is expected

    Expectation: After spending that much time talking and getting to know each other’s childhood fears, the logical thing is a relationship.

    Reality: Unfortunately, most times, all that happens is sex. Which, in all fairness, is not such a bad deal. But when you want more than sex, it’s hard not to keep getting disappointed by people with commitment issues. Hooking up is easy, but getting into a relationship is complicated. 

    Everyone you meet is new, so it’s a unique experience 

    Expectation: If you meet someone outside of your friends for the first time, and no one knows him, it’s refreshing, and you’ll end up in less messy situations. 

    Reality: The dating pool is too small for the people you meet not to be your ex’s ex. If you meet someone no one knows, you should be careful, so you don’t get a Kito experience you’ll regret. 

    RELATED: Sex Life: I Got Set Up By A Straight Man Pretending To Be Gay 

    Clubbing or attending parties will be much better with your partner 

    Expectation: Parties and clubs become 10x more fun when you go with your partner; what’s better than an experience you’ll share memories of instead of having to tell them about it? 

    Reality: That’s how they’ll find your replacement in your presence. Also, one person will have less fun because they’d be too busy trying to keep the other safe. 

    Sex will become slow-paced 

    Expectation: Sex is great and all, but after a while, it won’t happen as often, and you’ll find other things to do together.

    Reality: While this might seem like a threat, it actually never gets slow-paced. And if it does, y’all are about to break up. Why do you even want it to be slow-paced? Do you not like enjoyment?

    Noncommitment can be fixed by making the relationship open

    Expectation: If you guys are struggling to stay committed to one another because of years spent on the streets, opening the relationship will fix it.

    Reality: Except one or both of you are polyamorous, there’s no way opening a relationship can solve cheating or your partner’s inability to commit. Some situations are considered cheating in open relationships too. So it’s better to talk things out and make rules even. 

    After you get heartbroken, this will be you.

    They’d drop their standards for you

    Expectations: It doesn’t matter what they usually like in a relationship, they’d drop it all for you. If he’s a bottom who’s never dated a bottom, he’ll change his mind because he likes you. 

    Reality: He probably won’t. He’d drop those standards enough to have sex if he’s desperate, but not for a relationship. If, as a bottom, he thinks he can’t date a bottom, or as a masc guy, femme guys are too much for him, first, that’s a red flag, and you should run. Secondly, his opinion won’t miraculously change without you getting hate crimed first for a while. 

    READ ALSO: The Lesbian Dating Experience: Expectations vs. Reality

  • Creators Spotlight: Peer Pressure Got Plantboy into Gardening

    Creators Spotlight: Peer Pressure Got Plantboy into Gardening

    Hi, I’m Ebuka, mostly known from Plantboy. I’m 33, and I’m a plant addict. I enjoy my ‌company and constantly have conversations in my head. Nobody wants to be in there, I promise. I’ve always been very different than most guys; I mean, my favourite colour is pink. But in this country where non-conforming isn’t always applauded, it’s paying off for me. Being different has made me stand out. 

    So, your love for gardening didn’t start when you were younger?

    No. But now that I’m thinking about it, when I was a child, after eating yam one time, I planted the head and was so surprised it grew even though it was bitter. I also hated fine arts as a child because I couldn’t draw, but I was told to draw a plant, and I did it so well I went from getting two over ten to nine over ten. In secondary school, my favourite subject was agriculture as well. I never had to read it because it came naturally to me. So to be fair, it’s always been there, just not encouraged. 

    As someone who used to fail agric, must be nice. When did your official gardening activities kick-off?

    It kicked off in 2020, during the pandemic. I was on Twitter and saw lots of people getting plants, so I bought some to feel among. This happened at a point in my life when your boy lost his job. I wanted to japa, but that fell apart since we were in a pandemic! 

    Ngl, I was depressed and suicidal. So I bought a pencil cactus, and it gave me a sense of purpose. I went from not wanting to wake up to caring for my plants and being happy to see them do well. I started to read up about plants, and let me tell you, they’re addictive. You can’t just get one. I have 200 plus plants now. 

    I’m so glad you could find comfort that way. But 200?

    I just kept buying them. My Instagram followers were sick of me posting pictures of my plants and made me open a page for it, and that’s where I found a community of Nigerians like me. Fast forward to 2021. People kept reaching out to me to ask questions, which made me start posting helpful information I’d learnt. What took it to the next level was when I made a funny reel and got many views. 

    People reached out for plant installations, asking to buy plants and for the soil I use, which I began to sell. My followers skyrocketed, and I decided to go into plants full-time, quitting my freelance video editing job. I don’t regret it; it has afforded me a better lifestyle. I’ve met interesting people and been to places I wouldn’t have believed I’d go. Look at me; I’m getting interviewed by Zikoko.

    You’ve been doing such good work. Hard not to notice.  How challenging has this journey been for you?

    Aww, thank you. So, there’s a huge information gap for plant lovers in Nigeria. One significant challenge I had was soil. Before I got into plants, I thought you could just plant with any soil, but that’s not the case. A lot of the soil we get here isn’t great for growing plants indoors, which is how I started mixing my own soil. 

    Also, getting suitable plant accessories like pots and plant hangers is difficult. I keep telling people there’s a market for these things because people who’re into plants have disposable income and will spend it. When you’ve eaten, you’ll have money to buy plants. 

    Do you think it’s possible to enjoy being a plant person without money?

    Yes too. Because as much as it requires you to spend a lot of money and can be very bougie, there’s a plant for everybody. Some plants sell for as low as ₦200 – ₦500. The more common the plant is, the cheaper it is; it’s just the quality won’t be great. It’s only when you want unique, uncommon plants that it costs a lot. Even when I sell common plants, I always add value to it. I’ve seen a plant sell for ₦6m, and someone will still buy it.

    You people are scaring me oh. How much is the most expensive plant you own?

    I can’t give an exact figure, but it was above ₦80k. It gives me joy and makes me feel fulfilled, so please. And to be honest, the plant community in Nigeria is very welcoming. Where you’re from and how much you earn doesn’t matter. As long as you’re a genuine person who loves plants.

    Is this community like a group chat or just people you follow?

    There’s always been an offline community, especially for the older generation. The idea of an online community became a thing last year [2021]. There’s this “welcome to my garden” group on WhatsApp, and it’s primarily made up of older Nigerians who organise events and travel together, and it’s fun for them. 

    My friends and I want to build a community for younger people outside of Instagram. We are not a lot, but it’s ‌tight-knit, and I’ve made some fantastic friends I can call and talk about plants for hours with.

    Do Nigerians leave annoying comments on your page?

    I’ve noticed when Nigerians see you’re passionate about something, they encourage you. Recently, I started making content around landlords and their reactions to me having so many plants, incorporating humour and personality because Nigerians like drama, and it paid off. I also realised they like greenery. They just don’t know until they see how it’s beautifully displayed. If only Lagos developers would incorporate it in their spaces. 

    Recently, someone in my comments section asked why I was “growing flowers” instead of growing things I can eat, and they came for him. I was shocked. The only problem is my exposure is low because it’s such a niche interest.

    Does having a niche audience affect the earning power of your business?

    The advantage of doing something different is you’re the first person people go to for guidance. I always tell people to add value to what they do because I charged for advice even when I had just 100 followers. Now, I do virtual and in-person consultations starting from ₦7500. 

    I also do installations for as high as ₦600k and as low as ₦100k. I give everything my all and get good results and good clientele. They hardly ever argue with my prices, mainly cause they can afford them. I don’t sell myself short, and at the same time, I don’t overprice.

    What’s the most challenging thing about owning so many plants?

    It’s a lot of work. You can spend the whole day nurturing them. When you have an extensive collection like I do, something will always need to be done. That’s why I started managing the number of jobs I take, so I don’t get overwhelmed and lose the fun side. 

    What’s the most common mistake you see plant owners make?

    Growing cacti and succulents inside the house. That’s why they die; it’s too far from the nearest window, and they need a lot of light. They are not indoor plants. Please take them outside!

    RELATED: The Zikoko Guide To Being A Good Plant Owner

    Have you ever killed a plant?

    Of course! Every plant person has killed a plant. I can’t even count how many I’ve killed at this point. One time, I killed one of my most expensive plants. It didn’t even take up to three days, and I don’t know why. But that’s the thing; killing plants is part of the experience. 

    Gardening is not just seeing your plants thrive. You will struggle too. Just take it for what it is. Spending on plants taught me how to spend on myself. If I can spend ₦50k on plants, I can get that shawarma with my last ₦2k.

    What else has gardening taught you?

    I’ve also learnt not to get too attached because plants can just die, and you’d be depressed. When I first started, I used to be attached to my plants. One time, someone damaged the leaf of one of them, and I cried. 

    But I had to learn to let go; if my plants die, I’ll be fine. We’ll all die someday. Just enjoy things in the moment. Plants have also taught me patience because taking care of them tested my patience.

    How fulfilled do you feel in all this?

    I’m a very spiritual person, not religious, but I believe in God. There are indications in the bible that God loves nature and blesses people who care for it, and I’m a living testament to that. My life has completely changed financially, and while I’m happy with what I have now, I want more. I want to have my own home with a beautiful garden where I can plant a tree and just do green things. I want to travel, go on botanical tours and be on TV.

    How do you plan to achieve these dreams? 

    I’ve been more intentional and ambitious. I shamelessly pitch myself more. I’ve started tagging large accounts to my posts because I want to get featured. I’d also like to get large-scale landscaping jobs so I’m strategically making content towards that. I now boldly call myself an influencer and plant icon too!

    I just want my passion to take me as far as I want to go. There’s no timetable for success and achievements. My life only started to go upwards in my 30s. So I don’t usually get things when I want them, but when I do get them, they come in such abundance. I know whenever I achieve these dreams,  they’ll come abundantly. Till then, I wait.


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  • Creator Spotlight: How Loliaba’s Spirituality Intersects With Her Music

    Creator Spotlight: How Loliaba’s Spirituality Intersects With Her Music

    Hi, I’m Loliaba, a singer, songwriter and siren. I’m also an astrologer, tarot reader and all-round metaphysical mami. I’m emotionally intelligent, but I am drawn to chaos. I love sweet and spicy foods; think suya with bread and jam. Most people don’t know, but I’m an introvert with an outside personality. It’s so bad I had a friend replace the heart emoji he used to store my name with a ghost emoji. I’m Loliaba, the ghost. 

    I love your name. What does it mean? 

    My name, is Ijaw, and it means “star”. I think it’s a very befitting name with everything I am.

    Your parents are the best in manifestation. What’s your relationship with them like? 

    I grew up in Port-Harcourt with my German-Nigerian dad and Nigerian mum, who were a bit psycho. None of them were adulting adults. We’re all very playful, affectionate and emotional, and this has led me through adulthood. My dad is late, but my mum and I have a great relationship, even with all my non-conforming spirituality. I’m grateful for that. 

    How easy was it for you to accept your spirituality?

    I realised there was more out there because not everyone in my family is Christian. Dad’s dad was a traditional ruler, but he and his wife were Scientologists. My introduction to astrology happened after I read a cousin’s slum book in 2009; I was ten and intrigued. Officially, it took off when I fell in love with a Libra man, knowing I was Pisces and kept looking at our zodiac compatibilities and birth charts. Libras like to pretend they are fair, but they don’t know how to separate their personal opinion of fairness from what fairness is. I’m thankful I found myself while looking to validate my feelings for this person even though everything was saying no. After my grandma died, I’d written my EP, Retrograde, but my relationship with him made me revisit it.

    As a Libra, I take offence, but also, we suck. Did that relationship influence your EP?

    The songs in Retrograde are about processing love, the loss of my dad and grandma, my mental health, and my relationship with him. But there are songs about dealing with grief after my grandmother died. My favourite has to be Troubled Waters; I sang and listened to it a lot after my experience with him, but consistent listening made me realise there were bits of me in the problem too, which is where “retrograde” comes from. You’ve moved forward, but the universe says, “wait, take a step back”. I’ve written music scatteredly before, but Retrograde is my first work in the world.

    RELATED: The Zikoko Guide To Dating A Nigerian Astrology Babe

    How much of your music is influenced by your spirituality

    I feel like my astrology career feeds into my music. I mean, I titled my first EP Retrograde. Retrogrades, where astrology is concerned, is a time to reflect and feel because things you don’t want to deal with are eager for attention. I wrote those songs between 2018 and 2020 while going through my personal retrograde. I think of every song as a planet in my solar system going through its own retrograde. There are discussions about love, loss, embracing and triumphing over your inner darkness. My music and spirituality both help me make sense of human experiences, which I think are blinding lights of happiness and an abyss. 

    I thought retrogrades were bad, but you make it seem beautiful, like an unfolding of self. 

    That’s my speciality, explaining astrology. We’re not close if I haven’t told you to call your mum and ask for your birth time, so I can explain your chart. With life, you want to keep moving forward all the time, but retrogrades stop you whether you notice it or not. That’s something we constantly fail to do, stop. Let’s stop moving. It’s okay to sit and reflect and take stock of what’s happened in the past. It doesn’t mean getting stuck in the past; it’s just a means to move on. 

    What do you do when you’re not making music or helping people discover their problems via astrology?

    I studied English, but I’m a content analyst for ART X Collective, the creators of ART X Lagos, where I get to meet revolutionary people. I mean, contributing to African and African diaspora culture in a way that presents us, not as a dark continent but as thriving and evolving is just incredible. I enjoy it. 

    I think people who study English always do exciting things with their lives

    Yeah, it’s an exciting course, and I enjoyed studying it. I can’t help you with syntax, but language and literature? I’m your girl. I read a lot; I think books have galaxies in themselves and reality is very sus. 

    How easy is it to switch from your superhero job to your day job?

    It’s not so difficult because my work environment is very inclusive. I’ve had tarot and birth chart readings for colleagues and patrons during my break at work. I’ve never felt the need to separate one from the other. 

    How did you get into tarot reading? 

    I don’t know if you can call yourself a self-taught tarot reader, but I didn’t take classes. I did get into it because of the same man. Bless him for the 180° spiritual awakenings. He was the valley of the shadow of death I had to walk through to get there. I also watched YouTube videos like a crazy person, and so far, I’ve done readings for over 50 people. I charge about ₦5k for a reading just cause Nigeria’s tarot audience is still growing. I also have a spiritual botanica where I sell candles and crystals and do house cleansings. 

    Do people make weird comments about what you do?

    Every time. And it’s normal when you work in my type of space. I’ve come in contact with people who think I’m crazy. I’ve even been called the “village witchy lady”. But for most people, they see the usefulness once they can get past the initial disdain. Granted, they might not become astrology enthusiasts, but they become more respectful of what astrology is. 

    How fulfilled are you in your astrology, music, tarot and work?

    I feel blessed and fulfilled with my current reality. I think of my music as healing. It’s me putting forward the darkest, most uncomfortable parts of my humanity. It helps me feel less alone, and that’s the basis of my spirituality. It’s a connection to self and a link to the divine. I lean in on my spirituality to uplift myself and vice versa with my music. I hope in years to come, my music reaches more people in need of support, connection and community.

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  • 12 Pictures You Can Relate to if You’ve Ever Been Denied Food at an Owambe

    12 Pictures You Can Relate to if You’ve Ever Been Denied Food at an Owambe

    The only thing worse than chopping breakfast served by your lover is being denied food at an owambe. If you’ve ever experienced this, then you can relate to these pictures.

    So you’ve thought about this owambe you were invited to all week, and now you can’t wait to attend. You get there and you totally love the ambiance. Today is going to be a good day.

    You choose your seat strategically so you can avoid any stories that touch the heart

    You dance moderately so you don’t miss the real reason you’re here

    They shart sharing food and you keep your cool so you don’t look too excited

    An hour passes and you’ve still not gotten food

    But the 50+ man beside you has already wiped his plate clean. Now you’re wondering if you’re invisible.

    You swallow your pride and decide to be assertive 

    You ask for food but someone says, “I’ve served everybody here nauuu!”

    You start begging with your face

    Not all-out begging o. You just give them face so that the usher will pity you. So they agree to give you food. All is finally well.

    They come back to tell you that it’s only semo they have left


    RELATED: 13 Pictures You’ll Understand If You’ve Ever Attended An Owambe Uninvited


    You try to hold back the tears as you say, “bring it” 

    But they tell you meat has finished.

    At this point, you can’t hold back the tears anymore

    Someone sees your pain and gives you a souvenir so you don’t feel so bad

    You leave in regrets and decide to try again next Sunday


    YOU SHOULD ALSO READ: 5 Signs You Might Be a Party Hoarder

  • Creator Spotlight: “I pick challenging cosplays to impress myself”

    Creator Spotlight: “I pick challenging cosplays to impress myself”

     Hi, I’m Ezzi Jude, a 22-year-old cosplayer obsessed with creating anime-inspired outfits. A fun fact about me is that  K-dramas used to have me in a chokehold, and up to 2021 I covered K-pop choreographies. I founded a Korean community for Nigerians out of my love for all things Korean and even became an honorary reporter.

    “Used to be” a die-hard fan? How did that, unfortunately, happen to you? 

    Okay, so I’m still a fan. Okay, so I watch K-dramas sometimes, I just don’t complete them, so I can’t call myself a fan. I still love korean culture though, that’s why I started my Korean lovers community, other than me feeling like people didn’t know enough about Korean culture please!  And it’s a group of over 700 people. I’m a fan of the culture, but right now I can’t focus on one K-drama at a time. 

    You know what? Fair. What’s it like being a Korean honorary reporter?

    Well, it is unpaid work, but if your article does well, you may be invited to Korea, and there are occasional gifts such as snacks and rice cookers. I applied to Talk Korea to be an honorary reporter and  It was a fairly simple procedure. I filled out a form and sent them links to a bunch of my TikToks where I’d already been covering a lot of Korean content, and I got in. Honorary reporters write at least six articles per year. It sounds small but it required lots of research.   I quickly became bored and quit because I am not a writer and it was difficult. But, to be honest, I applied to build my portfolio for a Korean scholarship program. 

    Just six? Wow. Liking K-dramas is a long way from cosplaying. What influenced your interest?

    After I stopped writing , on some random day,  I saw an advert online for a comic con in Port-Harcourt and decided to create a free promotional video for them. 

     I’d only seen the new generation anime like Demon Slayer because everyone told me the old ones can be boring. But,I was hyped and I wanted a lot of people to know about the event and I figured that I could go in cosplay.  I wanted to  cosplay a character I knew, so I prepared for my Azula costume. But then, I saw an Ankara pattern that looked like water prints, which gave me the idea to make the water bender costume I wore  in the  promo video. After that went out, someone reached out to me and asked if I’d like to join a Nigerian cosplay community. The deal was I had to have done at least two cosplays so they’d know you’re serious. It’s a good thing I was already working on my Azula cosplay.

    Don’t mind them. Watch the older anime, they’re really good. How big is this cosplay community?

    Back then, we were about 12. Now, we’re 17. They always add new people, but cosplaying is expensive so people leave a lot. Some members even left because their families disapproved of it. Some were medical students, and their parents wanted them to be more focused. I don’t get why people always react badly to innocent pastimes. 

    RELATED: 10 Best Feel-good Anime for Beginners

    Omo, that must suck. How did your family react to your cosplay?

    I think they are cool with it because I used to cover K-pop choreography before I started cosplaying. I made so many covers, and one time Jennie from Black Pink reacted to one of my videos, which had 11k views. But I twisted my ankle dancing to the choreography of Stray Kid’s God Menu, and my mum made me promise to only dance with a knee brace. She’s supportive in little ways like that. My dad just minds his business. They like that I’m happy and hope my obsession with cosplaying and Korean things works out for me.

    If it wasn’t cosplaying, what would you have gotten into?

    I’d just always create things. I used to paint a lot till I clocked 19. I stopped because I had to pay attention in school. Plus, it cost a lot to buy the things I needed to paint, and the money I had wasn’t enough for it. 

    Is cosplaying cheaper than painting? 

    It is cheaper, tbh. I’m a style influencer for an Asian costume brand, so I apply to them when I want to cosplay, and they  are supposed to give me the costumes. But I’ve only successfully gotten two from them. I made the other 13 myself. 

    What’s your favourite and least-favourite cosplay?

    Okay, so I spent a lot of money and time on my Azula cosplay because it needed to be detailed to give it that “oomph”. The tiny details cost a lot too — I only wanted small bits of each item sold at retail price — only for it to be my least favourite cosplay. Meanwhile, the cheapest one was my mushroom hat cosplay. But I made it by myself and it’s my favourite one so far. 

    What’s the longest time you’ve spent on a costume?

    If I have all my materials, I can finish in a week. If not, it takes up to a month. For example, my Azula costume took me a month to create, and I didn’t even like it. I didn’t like being called Azula after that; that babe is wicked.

    I am dying, please. Do you think you’d create cosplays to sell in the future?

    Maybe, all I know is that I ‌want to be an official costume designer someday. I don’t want to create original pieces. I want to recreate things people have already made. That’s what I’m good at. There’s a comic con event in September [2022], and some creators reached out to ask if I could help ‌ with their costumes. I’m excited about working on that. 

    I fantasise about making costumes for cosplayers and celebrities on a big scale, like Kamui Cosplay does. She uses technology like led lights to make some of her cosplays glow in the dark, and I love it. That’s the future I see for myself, but… baby steps. 

    Speaking of the future, have you found fulfilment in cosplaying? 

    I’ve had former friends tell me to use my following for regular brand influencing, whatever that is, but that’s not me. They don’t understand my audience is not as big as they think. People follow me because I’m creative, but they’re not really interested in me. They follow for free tips on how I make my costumes. Not everyone is anticipating my next cosplay. 

    My satisfaction comes first. I pick challenging cosplays to impress myself. I do what makes me happy, hoping to find an audience interested in it too. I’d only stop if it stopped making me happy, but creating will always make me happy. So, of course I feel fulfilled. I’m always creating. 

    READ ALSO: Anime Cosplays Even Broke Bitches Can Try

  • QUIZ: What Happened to Your New Year Resolutions?

    QUIZ: What Happened to Your New Year Resolutions?

    We all make new year resolutions and then spend all year acting like they’re not there. It’s time to reflect on your truancy, people. Take this quiz and see how badly you were lying on January 1st.

  • Once You Have Money, You Develop a Taste for These 7 Things

    Once You Have Money, You Develop a Taste for These 7 Things

    Money comes and goes. If you already have it, you probably know what’s eating all your money. But if you don’t, here’s a heads up on the things you’ll suddenly start liking once you have money.

    Eating takeout

    Suddenly, cooking your own food will become annoying. I mean, why should it take you 30 minutes to cook food you’ll eat in five minutes when you can just order food and watch Netflix while you wait.

    Using “Do you know who I am?” in arguments

    Seriously, how can they not know who you are?

    A bottle of Berry Blast after every meal

    “Oversized drinks are the first sign of wealth.” – Lord Lugard, 2022

    Instagram vendors

    Your saved posts on Instagram start getting more attention. Not because you’re still window-shopping, but because you’re now considering which one to buy first.


    ALSO READ: You’re Definitely One of These 7 Girls Whenever You Get Money


    Lagos nightlife

    You probably thought you were introverted, but here you are balling at 3 a.m., thinking about what you’ll do when this money finishes.

    Taking Uber rides everywhere

    You realise you’re made for the soft life, so you take Uber rides everywhere you need to go. You can’t come and die just to get to the other side of town. Even though you’ll still get caught up in traffic, at least you won’t be doing it while sweating in a bus.

    Eating suya in the afternoon

    It’s not your business that suya was made for darkness. That’s the story we tell the masses. You’re bougie now, so suya curfews aren’t for you anymore.


    READ THIS NEXT: 7 Practical Things You Can Use $1000 to Do

  • Creator Spotlight: Wetalu Obi Thinks Cakes Are Magic

    Creator Spotlight: Wetalu Obi Thinks Cakes Are Magic

    Hi, I’m Wetalu Obi, the 22-year-old co-owner of W’s Bakeshop. I never wanted to work. I always wanted to be a hippie, but here I am. I’m obsessed with smelling like food, so if anything is vanilla, mango or cocoa scented, that’s my shit. Want to hear something wild? I baked my first cake when I was eight. 

    You were eight? What made you interested in baking? 

    I loved watching Nigella Lawson bake on BBC’s food network. She’d mix up a bunch of stuff, put it into the oven, and it always looked delicious. That’s my earliest memory of wanting to bake. 

    I was obsessed with how it looked and unaware of the actual work behind it. But I was already in too deep by the time my eyes opened.

    Tell me about that first cake you baked

     Also, I was eight when I baked my first cake, so it was awful. It was supposed to be a basic vanilla butter cake, but it came out as one big, dense pancake. It was still special to me, but it was pretty horrific.

    This sounds like you have supportive parents. Has that helped? 

    I do and it helped initially because they didn’t have gendered expectations for my sisters as kids and me. So if I wanted to bake, cook, sew or knit — and I did all that — they didn’t make a fuss about it and that opened my mind. I felt like I could do or be anything I wanted.  They were pretty supportive until I got into university. From then on, they wanted me to focus more on my studies than on my “hobby”, and that’s when we clashed. They are pleased because I’m out of school and went straight to managing a bakery with my sister after graduation. I think they are happy. 

    Did they have a specific reason to worry? 

    They did. I studied chemical engineering. It was very demanding, and my parents feared I’d spread myself too thin. They wanted me to just focus on school and get a good GPA. I told them I wouldn’t do that because time wasted is hard to get back. I knew if I started working after school, I would never get back to baking, so I didn’t listen, and they didn’t like that. 

    I graduated from uni this year and co-own a bakery, so these problems are a thing of the past. 

    What does it mean to co-own a bakery? 

    Yes, I do. The bakery is co-owned by my sister, Ella, and we get help from our sister Buogo. We are a close-knit family of seven. Running the bakery together is a family love effort. For instance, whenever I was in school or things were too much for me, Ella would just step in to run day-to-day operations until I was back. 

    Nobody is fighting about running it because we both share the sentiment that we can’t do it alone. So we show up every day.

    As for the day-to-day operations, we have a manager and ten employees, so things would be okay without us, but we still show up every day. But managing a business in Nigeria is tough. There are always power issues and spike in market prices, but that’s life as we know it.

    What’s your favourite thing about baking? 

    I think my favourite thing about baking is how whimsical it can get. I love the feeling of putting my AirPods in and getting lost in my world for hours. I worked for eight hours straight when I made my sister’s wedding cake. I was so happy and relaxed that I could cry. I could never get sick of cakes. They’re so soft and texturally enjoyable.

    Have you ever been in a baking slump? How did you get out of it? 

    When I was in year three, required to take courses from other engineering departments and had like a million units. I was so uninspired and heavy, so I didn’t bake for a whole semester. 

    One day, I went to a cafe, ordered four desserts to-go, went to a park and sat on a bench to eat them and people-watch. It was such a good day, so I took a sky picture. I returned to the bakery and tried to recreate that colour palette on a cake, and that was it. I can’t find a picture of the exact cake I made, but I have a version of it we modified for the bakery’s cake design catalogue.

    I’m weirdly glad about that slump; it’s a beautiful cake. Do you remember your first positive review? 

    I was invited to a birthday party and asked to bake the cake. It was a double chocolate fudge cake. People would take a bite, and I’d watch them open their eyes in disbelief and smile. It was amazing to witness. I think that’s my favourite thing about baking; sharing the finished product with people and watching them act like happy children.

    What’s the weirdest ingredient you’ve baked/wanted to bake with?

    I’ve baked with mayonnaise. It’s a moisture/flavour enhancer, so it’s an excellent substitute for fat/eggs in most recipes. I only experiment with our personal recipes because I can’t experiment with other people’s food.

    I want to bake with chilli pepper one day. I still haven’t wrapped my head around the sweet/spicy combination, so it’ll take a while.

    This is a safe space. What are the worst cake flavours, and why is it chocolate and/or funfetti cake?

    Right?? Chocolate is not my favourite. I love a good vanilla cake, maybe a red velvet, but I can’t eat chocolate. It’s ironic because it’s our most requested cake flavour, so it’s our most done recipe. 

    But funfetti? No, please. I love a good funfetti! Especially with creamy white buttercream frosting. Such a classic!

    RELATED: These 7 Types of Cakes Should Not Exist

    I’m judging you, but go off. Would you be willing to share an easy cake recipe with your fans?

    I don’t have “fans”, please, but I have a recipe I learnt from our grandmother’s Betty Crocker book that’s burned in my brain. 

    It’s the 1-2-3-4 vanilla butter cake recipe:

    1 cup butter

    2 cups sugar

    3 cups flour

    4 eggs

    2 tsp baking powder 

    1 tsp vanilla extract

    1/2 tsp salt

    1/2 cup milk 

    Knock everything into a mixer and whip for six minutes. Batter into a pan and bake for 30/45 minutes.

    You make the type of cakes I see on Pinterest. Do Nigerians appreciate them? E.g., your mini cakes and the strange planet cakes?

    When we started on those cakes, this was our initial worry. Did it seem too minimal/quirky to catch anybody’s attention? But surprisingly (and fortunately), people like them. And we made the snack cakes with a very special set of people in mind. People who wish they had a whole birthday cake to themselves. I love the idea of a single-serving birthday cake. It’s so practical.

    In all of this, how fulfilled do you feel?

    Baking is my life. I always knew I would do something pastry related, so ending up where I am now is something I expected. The bakery is where I love to work. I love the relationship my sisters and I have with each other. It’s our safe space. Yes, I feel fulfilled. 

    READ ALSO: Quiz: What Kind of Cake Are You? 

  • 8 Things You Can Relate to if You Work Remotely From Your Nigerian Parents’ House

    8 Things You Can Relate to if You Work Remotely From Your Nigerian Parents’ House

    Living with your Nigerian parents is the trouble we’ve all had to put up with at some point in our lives. And the drama gets worse when you have to work from home while living with them.

    Here are a few things you can relate to if you work from your Nigerian parents’ home:

    They never believe you’re actually working

    You can be having the most important meeting in the world, and they want to talk to you about how the police came to arrest the neighbour’s son in the middle of the night. 

    They send you on odd errands

    It doesn’t matter that you’re now 25 and can be conscripted into the army when war comes. Nigerian parents will still send you to grind pepper on a week day.

    When you try to explain what you do for a living

    You can explain this to them a hundred times, and they’ll just keep nodding in agreement. Just don’t make the mistake of thinking they actually understand.

    They think you’re lazy

    Why will you be cooped up in your room all day and night if you’re not a lazy child? Your mates are out on the streets, hustling for their daily bread, and you’re here pressing your laptop.


    ALSO READ: Every Nigerian Mother Makes These 10 Annoying Passive Aggressive Statements


    Or they think you have plenty money 

    And you don’t need anything from them anymore. If you’re lucky enough to get your parents to understand what you do, the next problem is convincing them you don’t have money for something. So you mean those Yankee people are not paying you big money?

    When you finally tell them how much you earn

    Sinzu! So you mean this is what you’ve been hiding? Here comes the random billing.

    When your relatives think you’re unemployed

    You know that nosy relative who comes to your house to eat food and act like they like you? Yes, the ones who never mind their business. Since you’re always at home, how won’t they think you’re unemployed?

    How you look when you’re trying to get everyone to stop making noise

    Having a meeting in a house full of people is a nightmare. You’re trying to get everyone to keep quiet, but you can’t just scream “shut up” because then, no one is going to keep quiet.

    READ THIS NEXT: 8 Nigerian Adults Still Living With Their Parents Tell Us Their Biggest Struggles

  • Creator Spotlight: “I can do this music thing in my sleep” – Dwin, The Stoic

    Creator Spotlight: “I can do this music thing in my sleep” – Dwin, The Stoic

    My name is Dwin, The Stoic. I’m a singer, songwriter and performer, which is interesting because I wanted to be a Catholic priest for the longest time. Some fun facts about me are that I collect coins and I’m a cancer. Apparently, that’s why my emotions influence my sad songs. (laughs in millennial)

    Coins? How is that fun?

    Okay, it’s not like I don’t have other hobbies. But it’s something I like. It’s my thing. That’s a fun thing about me. 

    Dwin, that’s 40+ hobby, but let’s talk about that priest thing you mentioned 

    Like every other boy that grew up Catholic, I wanted to be a priest. I convinced myself it was my calling until I turned 15. The year I discovered women.

    RELATED: 17 Pictures That Nigerians Who Grew Up Catholic Will Understand Immediately

    So, from potential priest to musician that sings about heartbreak? How did we get here?

    I’ve always been singing, but it was something I did with friends. It started in secondary school with a record label my friends and I started, but that didn’t last long. I’ve also made music with my friend 3rty. We’ve been friends since high school, and we went to Covenant university together. Besides that, I’m also in a band with a friend. It just makes sense to work with close people you know are talented. Officially, I put up my first album in 2017, and I haven’t looked back since. 

    So your name wasn’t always Dwin the Stoic? 

    Nope. in secondary school, it was Ozone and then Nu Maestro. The Stoic just started as my Twitter handle. I picked it up from a song by Mumford and Sons, they are an enormous influence on me. And Dwin is a shortened version of my name, Edwin. I’m not stoic, but I sing about sad shit and emotions, which is the opposite, but I like the name. Plus, a musician named Dwin exists, so it stuck. 

    Speaking of you singing sad shit, who was that person that got away? Are you doing okay? 

     I can see how they feel that way. I’ve listened to my songs. It’s not like I’m getting heartbroken left and right out here. I’m just a talented songwriter, and it’s because I am an excellent writer as well. So, all my sad short stories and poems became songs. Sometimes, it’s direct heartbreak. One person inspired Heavy Heart after all, but sometimes it could be three heartbreaks that my brain would turn to one song.

    So you combine the heartbreak into one song, so none of them feels special? I love it.

    Sometimes it’s one person wicked enough to give you heartbreak to sing about, but sometimes it’s just inspired conversations with people. In my next album, there is a song called Mad It’s probably my saddest song. 

    As sad as my music can be,I think that’s why people are drawn to it. When you listen to me, you can feel all those feelings you can’t explain with words because I’ve done it for you. 

    It’s your confidence for me. I love to see it.

    Well, I’m at a place where this music thing has gotten effortless for me. For instance, I’ve made songs on the spot at some of my shows. At first, it was nerve-racking. I never knew what would come out of my mouth, but it always ended up good. At my last show, I did a freestyle where people gave me the words like, “Happy” “Broken”, and “Alcohol”, and I came up with a freestyle that was so nice the producer asked to produce it, and now it’s the final song on my album. 

    On a scale of 1-10, how fulfilled do you feel doing what you do? 

    I’m about to sound braggy, but quite good at this music thing. My album and the next two EPs are ready. I want people to hear this because of how much range they showed, so I would say that I am pretty fulfilled in music-making. I enjoy it and can do it in my sleep. If I don’t write another piece of music for the next three years, I’ll be fine.

    I’m looking forward to writing music for other people. I loved writing for Adekunle Gold. Hopefully, I will get to work with some fantastic people this year. 

    Are there some specific people you’d love to work with?

    I want to work with Asa. We would have the best of times because her vibe is excellent. I think I would write killer songs for Sam Smith. I have a piece ready for the Cavemen. We haven’t spoken yet; I just have plans to work with them. Hopefully, I’ll release stuff with other people. Long term, I want to work with Labrinth. He has a solo career outside his group, LSD, and I have Ignis brothers. So, we are very similar. 

    If you’re done recording, can I send a voice note you’ll use in one of your songs so I can say I’ve made it? 

    You know what, just freestyle. If you can think of something cool, send it to me. And I might even make a song around it. 

    Enjoyed this story? Read this next:Creator Spotlight: How Heartbreak and a Failed Writing Dream Birthed Vangei

    How chaotic would Zikoko on TikTok be? Follow us to find out!

  • 5 Queer Nigerians’ Thoughts on Celebrating Pride Month

    5 Queer Nigerians’ Thoughts on Celebrating Pride Month

    June is the month when the Queer community gets to celebrate the joy of their existence worldwide. From marches to pride parades, balls, e.t.c, it’s a celebration of the lives of people existing loudly and proudly as their most authentic selves. We spoke to these five Nigerians about what celebrating pride month in Nigeria meant to them.

    Lu (they/them)

    I think of pride month as independence day for LGBTQ+ people. They’re free to express themselves, marry, and live a life free from danger. But since it doesn’t apply to me here in Nigeria, I decided to look at it as me celebrating coming to terms with my sexual orientation and gender identity. I struggled with it, so pride month is my independence. 

    I celebrated by watching LGBTQ+ series, mostly animated, because they’re more authentic. Most non-animated series/movies gave off “let’s just add LGBTQ+ characters so it won’t look like we’re bigots” and the characters barely have personalities outside their identity. 

    I wish I’d gone to the parties and events people hosted and attended a pride parade or drag show. But I’m an introvert and still live with my mom.

    RELATED: These 7 Animated Shows Have the Coolest LGBTQ Representation

    Temi  (he/they)

    To me, Pride is a celebration. It’s happiness despite everything happening — holding onto your community, checking up on each other. Having a month means something about me, my identity and my community. It makes me so happy. 

    I celebrated by publishing queer love letters throughout the month. Every one of those letters brought me immense joy. I had a pride picnic with queer people in my school, which was the highlight of my entire month. I also read queer books at home. 

    I would have loved to attend the queer parties and events, but I can’t come out at night, as I live with my parents. I’m bitter about that and blame this useless government for not ending the strike so I could celebrate pride properly with my friends. If everything had gone to plan, I might have attended several pride parties this year, gotten a new partner, and enjoyed my life.

    Muna (they/she) 

    Pride month for me is just a time to hang out with my queer friends and family. It’s very wholesome, I feel seen, and I don’t have to pretend I’m heterosexual. I don’t get to be in spaces like this often, so it’s always amazing. I celebrated Pride Month by going to random queer spaces looking like my gayest self — places that make me happy, and I didn’t have to bond over trauma.

    Clover (she/her) 

    Pride Month celebrates how far we’ve come as a community. Even though I can’t openly celebrate because of the homophobia, I post about queer history and culture worldwide on my Whatsapp status. If I could, I’d march the streets wearing all kinds of rainbow merch. One day, one day. 

    Fidel (he/him)

    For me, pride month is the one time in my life when I find myself rid of fear. There’s something about seeing myself among queer people happy and celebrating that makes me feel like life is worth something.

    I spent this month attending as many events as possible, sitting with my chosen family, watching movies and documentaries, and having dinner. I used to think I hated going out, but I don’t. I just needed to be in the presence of people to whom I didn’t have to explain myself.

    I know we’re not where many countries are regarding the rights of LGBTQ+ people, but seeing people in other countries celebrate gives me hope that one day that could be us. 

    ALSO READ: 9 Ways to Support Your Queer Friend During Pride Month

  • 8 Ways To Save Yourself When a Date Goes Above Your Budget

    8 Ways To Save Yourself When a Date Goes Above Your Budget

    Going on dates in Nigeria can be an extreme sport. From worrying about being catfished to picking out what to wear or a place to go. But have you ever gone above your budget and had to choose between washing plates and trekking home? 

    Here are eight things you can do to save yourself if that happens.

    Get Arrested

    This is the only time when “Police is your friend” becomes a true claim. If you have a friend who’s a policeman, this is the time to call them to come to your rescue.

    Start a fight

    As wise men say: “Chaos is a ladder.” Just start a fight for no reason and get thrown out for free. Slap someone out of the blue or spill a drink on someone’s shirt.

    Blame the restaurant’s food

    You can just get up in anger and start complaining about how the rice tastes like fermented goat milk. Make sure your voice is loud enough that everyone hears it and the restaurant staff tries to calm you down. Then, you can leave in anger without paying a kobo.

    RELATED: 7 Nigerians Share Their Worst Date Stories

    Confess that you’re married

    If you don’t drive a Sienna, It’s probably hard to pull this off but you can do it. Just keep a makeshift ring close by that can help you lie about being married with 3 kids.

    Fake a heart attack

    This will probably land you in a hospital and taking drugs you don’t need, but at least you won’t be in a restaurant kitchen washing plates.

    Just ask to split the bill

    It may not be as bad as you think. If the date goes higher than you can afford, just ask them to split the bill with you. They’ll probably appreciate the honesty.

    Confess on Twitter before you get called out

    Even though your date is happening in one tiny corner of a restaurant in Lagos, don’t be surprised if you get home to see three thousand people tweeting about it already. The best way to get ahead is to out yourself in public before anyone does it for you.

    Call your friends for help

    A quick SOS to your friends’ WhatsApp group can save your life. Just make sure the restaurant hasn’t already seized your phone before you get to this point.

    ALSO READ: 5 Dates For 5k: Ideas That Don’t Break The Bank

  • Creator Spotlight: How Heartbreak and a Failed Writing Dream Birthed Vangei

    Creator Spotlight: How Heartbreak and a Failed Writing Dream Birthed Vangei

    Hi, I’m Kanaan, the genius behind Vangei, the fashion brand, and I think I’m hilarious. 

    I’m the shortest person in my friend group, and I’m also a cancer. Yes, cue the red flags. A random fact about me is that I wanted to be a writer until I got heartbroken. 

    Interesting, so you didn’t just wake up one day and decide to be a fashion designer?

    Nope, I was never interested. I only loved fashion when it was time to play dress-up or pretend I was walking a runway. I wanted to be a model. But then I turned 13 and my height wasn’t heightening no more, so that dream died. 

    I even considered blogging, but it’s too time-consuming. Guess I still won because now I make the clothes instead of modelling them. 

    Fighting the urge to scream but also purr. I get not wanting to blog sha. Writing is the ghetto.

    To be fair, I did want to be a writer. I used to write serious love letters back then. In my high school yearbook, I wrote that I would be a writer or a poet. But after somebody broke my heart, I said fuck writing. There was no more inspiration, so I closed shop and opened Vangei instead.

    RELATED: How To Be A Nollywood Lover Boy

    How did you come up with Vangei? It’s the coolest name 

    Funny story, when I joined Twitter in 2019, my first Twitter name was StefflonDo. As you can see, I’m terrible at giving myself nicknames. 

    I hated StefflonDo, so I spoke to a friend about how I needed something that represented my brand and my being gay, and then he came up with Lolu VanGay. It was cool but too on the nose, so I changed it to VanGei, and it stuck. 

    Do you have a favourite collection or fashion piece made by you? 

    The best thing I’ve created and I feel really attached to is the Bibi co-ord, which is named after my ex. Don’t drag me; my friends already did. They were like, “This is one of your sickest pieces, and you named it after someone that’s not in your life anymore?” But I’d already made up my mind about it.  

    I really loved the piece, and so did a lot of people. There was something distinct about the fabric. I’ve tried looking for something like it and still haven’t found anything. 

    Are you sure it’s the fabric you’re attached to?

    For real, fabrics make me happy. You know how drugs make people feel? That’s exactly how it is. When I’m sad, I  go to Yaba market. Most times, I have no money when I do this, but as soon as I get to Tejuosho market, I get super pumped. 

    I touch a pretty fabric and it makes me feel like I can speak french because it’s so rich. The only thing I love more than fabrics is shoes. 

    I wasn’t going to bring it up, but boy, you like the weirdest shoes. Or maybe I don’t know fashion…

    I would judge you, but I know what it feels like to be judged, so I won’t. People have asked me if I’m all right because of the shoes I like. Can’t you all see the arc on those shoes? Several times, my friends have stopped me several times from wearing my shoes when going out with them, but they’ll be fine last last. 

    RELATED: #NairaLife: What Did This Shoe Vendor Learn From Living Large?

    Would you ever want to design shoes?

    Maybe, but it’ll just be two other people wearing it. My target audience is outside Nigeria, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed sha. 

    Have you ever designed something that you weren’t proud of? 

    That’s the thing it would never see the light of day. I love my pieces to be perfect. I don’t keep it if it’s something I’m not proud of. I threw the last piece away. 

    What’s your creative process like?

    I don’t have a process. I tried to get a sketchbook and draw out my designs once, but that didn’t work. I buy fabrics that speak to me, so anything coloured, playful and loud. Then I scroll through Pinterest or Instagram and get inspired. 

    I once had a block for three months, and then I woke up and made five outfits in a day. 

    What are proven steps that get you out of a creative block?

    Hm. My longest block was for about four months. What got me out of it? A girl I was seeing. We were supposed to go out on a date, and I don’t like repeating outfits. I wanted to impress her because she was tall. I started to think of a theme, wrote it out and the next thing I knew, I’d made my fit. This was the day before the date, by the way. 

    If you ever sell your audacity, I would buy it 

    Not to brag, but I make my outfits in two-three hours. 

    Honestly, my confidence in what I do came from my friends trusting me to create stuff for them. It boosted my self-esteem and so I was able to start selling to other people. Initially, I didn’t want to own a brand because I feared criticism. 

    I’m curious. How does it feel creating for an audience bigger than your friends? 

    It was scary at first ngl, but maybe it’s because my brand is aimed at queer people who were my inspiration, so the transition has been easy. I sit with my clients and go back and forth through the creative process. I’ve even had a couple of people sketch their designs and have me recreate them. Making outfits from my friends and listening to criticism helped me grow, and now my brand is better for it. 

    What’re you looking forward to doing now? 

    I started a thrift store to fund my long-term collection, which will be released in the middle of next year. I’m thinking of collaborations, especially with Louie & Dray because they make contemporary Y2K fashion, and that’s a big influence on my brand. Finally, I’m looking forward to introducing my brand to Lagos fashion week.

    Enjoyed this story? Read this next: Creator Spotlight: How the Igbo Wolf Became a Social Media Trendsetter

  • How to Be the Perfect Nigerian Mother-in-Law to Your Son’s Wife

    How to Be the Perfect Nigerian Mother-in-Law to Your Son’s Wife

    There are lots of books on how to raise a son, but none on how to be the perfect Nigerian mother-in-law to your son’s wife. That’s why we have taken it upon ourselves to answer this clarion call and provide you with the tools needed to be the most hated sought-after Nigerian mother-in-law. 

    Treat your son like an infant 

    We all know he’s not capable of doing basic chores even though he’s an grown man, so you must make his wife go above and beyond to make up for his inadequacy. 

    Never beat the Oedipus Complex allegations 

    Since you’re your son’s first love, anyone that has come to take a place in his life as mother wife needs to come correct. She has to walk like you, talk like you, cook like you, and even dress like you. 

    RELATED: How to Be the Perfect Daughter-in-Law According to Nigerians

    Bond with his wife over non-enjoyment things

    How dare you attempt to get to know his wife over things like spa dates and sleepovers? You don’t need such softness in your life, YOU’RE A WAR! Act like it! Both of you should bond over pounding yam at 3 a.m. because that’s what real women do! 

    Give her ridiculous tests 

    Your daughter-in-law may have thought that graduating from school meant no more tests, but she’s wrong! Test her till you can test no more. Back in the day, they tested by offering the daughter-in-law money to leave their son, but unfortunately, these days, dollar prices have gone up but I trust you can find another way. 

    RELATED: The Best Places to Find the Perfect Nigerian Wife

    Compete, don’t complete 

    Does she know you are the most important person in your son’s life? She has to. And what better way than to find ways to remind and humble her. She asks her husband for 1k? Ask for 10! You all want to enter your son’s car? Compete for the front seat and make her sit at the back. Because it’s like she doesn’t know her place. Mtchew.

    Hound her for grandchildren 

    Having grandchildren is definitely the most important thing on your list, not less important things like building a loving home or surviving Nigeria. So, disturb her. It doesn’t matter if your son is unable to father children. She must get pregnant. 

    Move in with them for a while 

    Honeymoon phase? For here? They will like cohabitation. 

    RELATED: The Zikoko Guide to Becoming the Proverbs 31 Man in Nigeria


    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: We Should’ve Been Friends Before We Dated

  • Memes You Can Relate to if You Grew Up Queer in Nigeria

    Memes You Can Relate to if You Grew Up Queer in Nigeria

    For most queer people, growing up in Nigeria is the ghetto. But sometimes, you encounter some ridiculous situations that leave you laughing. Here are ten memes you can relate to as a queer Nigerian. 

    1. The “Keep It together” meme

    That weird random moment when your family members are bad-mouthing queer people around you, and you’re fighting the urge to scream, “It’s me, I’m queer people!”

    RELATED: 6 Queer Nigerians Give Advice to Newer Queer People

    2. The “Don’t think about it too much” meme

    Nobody should even tell you twice. Embrace it. You’re the main character now. 

    3. The “Is this gay enough?”

    No, because do they expect people to walk around draped in the pride flag?

    4. The “Homophobic and still can’t speak English” meme

    Use this meme when homophobes ask people with neo pronouns how they can use “they/they” for one person or when they say LgTv people as a joke. 

    5.  The “try to mind your business” meme

    When that family member that has problems comes to ask you foolish questions, refine this meme to fit their situation. You’re welcome. 

    6. The “If you guys knew, why didn’t you tell me?”

    Lowkey, this meme is for when you come out to your friends, and they say, “oh, we know” or “You’re just knowing” reread the title. 

    RELATED: When a Queer Friend Comes Out to You, Here’s How to Be Respectful

    7. The “Celebrate little wins.”

    We might not be winning at many things, but for those of us who refuse to or can’t pay rent, being able to have your partner in your parent’s house is a blessing. 

    8. The “ Na beg I dey beg you”

    You love all your queer friends, but some can never come to your house because your parents will immediately clock them.

    RELATED: Every Queer Friend Group Has One of These

    9. The “wtf is a gay stereotype” meme

    Sometimes you want to laugh at funny queer memes, but it’s so far removed from your reality. For instance, if you liked folding the arm of your t-shirt as a Nigerian child, the t-shirt probably wasn’t your size. But outside, it’s a lesbian thing. 

    10. The “For here?” meme

    When pride month begins, and the abroad queers start making jokes about how corporations change their logos, all you can do is laugh because honestly, for here?

    READ ALSO: 8 Types of People You’ll Meet at a Queer Event

  • How to Ask Your Boss to Reduce Your Salary

    How to Ask Your Boss to Reduce Your Salary

    The year is 2022. Out of all the problems in the world, the major one you have is that your salary is way too much, and you need it reduced. Well, let’s get into how you can solve your problem. 

    Why did you even click this? 

    What is going on in your household that made you want this? 

    HR, is that you? 

    You thought we’d give you something to send to your coworkers as “light reading”, abi? Perish that thought.

    Are you normal?

    No, seriously. Is everything okay at home? 

    RELATED: 10 Trusted Ways to Ensure Your Salary Lasts Till Next Month

    In this economy?

    Dollar is ₦610 on the black market, and you want a reduced salary? 

    Why are you still reading? Go and touch grass

    Switch off your device, and go sit in the sun so it can cook your brain. 

    Tell your village people you refuse to be gotten 

    Put your hand on your head and say, “It will not be my portion”.

    Are you seriously looking for a reason? 

    Your case is no longer physical. It’s spiritual. 

    RELATED: 8 Annoying Things About Salary Week

    Love yourself, please 

    Even if you don’t love yourself, love the people who depend on your salary. 

    WHY ARE YOU STILL SCROLLING? 

    What are you expecting us to tell you? You dey fear salary increase? Do good things scare you? 

    Please delete this from your search history

    People don’t need to know you tried to look for this. This is something that should give you shame. 

    RELATED: Interview With Competitive Salary


    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: My Cousin Grew Up

  • Will Nigerian Students Ever Be Free of ASUU Strike?

    Will Nigerian Students Ever Be Free of ASUU Strike?

    ASUU has gone on strike so many times, we’ve actually lost count. The thing that seems different about this instance, though, is that everyone has seemingly resigned to their fate.

    From terrible electricity supply to alarming nationwide insecurity, and the blatant disregard for the educational sector, the Nigerian government has shown us that they don’t give a shit about citizens they’re supposed to serve.

    Another way to know that they’ve run out of (pretend) fucks to give is that elections are around the corner and they’re not even trying to make amends for their bad leadership. 

    At first, jokes flew left and right when ASUU first announced the strike. Some students even felt relieved. Because, let’s face it, being a student is hard.

    RELATED: Seven Ways Nollywood Lied To Gen-Z Nigerians About University Life

    But with every extra week at home, our peace of mind took a hit, which is pretty common if you live in a Nigerian home, and returning to school was your only escape.

    RELATED: Nine Times It Sucked To Be The Child In A Nigerian Home

    So when the Minister of Education paid ₦100M for the presidential form two months later, we all thought that money had arrived. And he was now ready to clear the debts so students who have spent seven years in school for their five year courses, could now graduate, right?

    ASUU announced that the warning strike had been called off, and students around the country began rejoicing because who wouldn’t want to dump house chores and reactivate bad bitch mode?

    RELATED: Sixteen Signs You’re Not The Bad Bitch You Think You Are

    Only for the second paragraph to read that they were ending the three month long strike so they could start an indefinite one!

    Let’s do the math.

    If Warning strike = three months, Indefinite strike= ?

    At this point, we’re scouring the internet for the address of the nearest ASUU board member, so we can show up at his door like this.

    But yet again, we woke up to another update on Friday, May 20th 2022.

    The government had gone ahead to commence payment of ₦34billion minimum wage arrears owed, but ASUU claims that was just one of their demands and therefore, would be continuing the strike.

    The question on everyone’s mind now is, 

    What next?

    Yes, we want them to call off the strike now, but that is clearly a short-term fix because they’ll most likely go on another strike in less than nine months. Why? Because the government only ever pays enough for them to suspend the strike, not end it.

    But we don’t care. Calling it off temporarily would at least buy some people enough time to graduate.

    With all this happening, if you still believe bogus theory that says, “2.1 in a Federal University is equal to 1st class at a private one”, I recommend running an MBA in Unilag. Come back in four years when you’re done to talk about your experience. 

    In the meantime, we’ve gone to get our PVC. Because someone has to pay for this strike, and those people are sure as hell not getting our vote this election.

  • How to Guarantee Your Status as the Ultimate Third Wheel

    How to Guarantee Your Status as the Ultimate Third Wheel

    We all have that one couple that we consciously or unconsciously third-wheel for. If you love the couple enough to want to make third-wheeling for them permanent, then you should try these tips. Before you know it, you’ll successfully become a comfortable third-wheel in their relationship. 

    Invite yourself when they don’t invite you 

    To be successful and comfortable as a third wheel, you need to learn how to just show up for things. It doesn’t matter if you’re invited or not. What matters is that you’re there. It’s the thought that counts. 

    Create a group chat 

    There are very few ways to communicate effectively with two other people. One such way is a group chat. That way, you’ll be able to communicate with your two favourite people simultaneously, and they can always make plans with you in mind. 

    Sync calendars

    When all three of your calendars are synced, you’ll know their plans in advance. If they start avoiding you, just show up to their meeting and ask them why. 

    Create a shared bank account

    Joint accounts are so boring. That’s why you should take it up a notch as a third wheel and register the three of you for a shared bank account. When their finances are tied to yours, they’ll always have you on their mind.  

    Move in with them 

    It is even better to rent a one-bedroom apartment and ask them to move in with you. Not only will you share a room, but make sure you also share the bed. If you’re lucky, that kind of proximity means you can third-wheel in their dreams. 

    RELATED: How to Successfully Seduce the Person of Your Dreams

    Fraternise with their parents 

    If you’re friends with their parents, you’ll also be invited to family events. Their family is your family, and there’s no safe space for your favourite couple to hide. 

    Buy an SUV 

    The SUV is a family car, and since the three of you are pretty much a family at this point, why not? If you don’t have the money for an SUV, sell their cars and buy it. They’ll appreciate it in the long run. 

    Take a loan in their name 

    When they find out that your disappearance means that loan sharks will be threatening the lives of the people they love, they’ll keep close tabs on you. In fact, they’ll be the ones doing all the reaching out. 

    RELATED: 8 Things You Gain From Being Single

    Have a child with them 

    Children are a lifelong commitment, so having one together will keep you together forever. If people have children to fix their terrible marriages, why can’t you have one to cement yourself in the life of the people you love? 

    Become their next of kin

    If anything happens to them, you’ll be the first to know. It doesn’t matter if they have parents. Their parents can’t love them the way you do. 

    Always bring your chair along

    So that if they’re on dates and there are only two chairs set up for them, you don’t have to make a fuss. Just pull out your chair and have a great time.

    Help all the other third-wheels enter a relationship

    To ensure you’re the only third wheel, ensure that every other person who can be a third wheel is in a relationship. If they’re in a relationship, they can leave yours alone. 

    RELATED: 9 Reasons Why You Should Consider Doing “Whocup” Today


    READ ALSO: Sunken Ships: Her Jealousy Almost Ruined My Life

  • If You Hate People Being in Your Kitchen, This Is for You

    If You Hate People Being in Your Kitchen, This Is for You

    People think cooking together is cute. But there’s nothing more annoying than someone getting in your way while you’re cooking. Especially in Nigerian houses where kitchens are so small, you’d think they were built as an afterthought. It doesn’t matter if they want to help or wash plates. It’s annoying, and not many people understand. Why?

    They make the kitchen hotter

    The kitchen is small and hot enough with all the heat from the burners and boiling foods. Someone will now decide that they want to come and stand with you while you cook. If you’re going to kill me, just say so. Why are you occupying space in my kitchen?

     RELATED: 12 Nigerians Talk About Their Cooking Disasters

    They give unsolicited opinions

    When people come into your kitchen, instead of minding their business, they’ll now be talking about how you didn’t add enough seasoning or how you’re supposed to chop the vegetable with the chopping board levitating. It’s giving Ikeja Gordon Ramsey — ogbeni if you don’t geddifok!

    Their presence can irritate you

    The whole point of cooking is to close your eyes and pretend like you’re not slaving away for something that’ll end up as poop. Why would someone try to add their already annoying presence to that?

    They make cooking unenjoyable 

    For some people, cooking is the only time they can relax. They pick up a knife and cut into that fish, imagining their annoying landlord’s or boss’ hands. It’s the little things, you know. Why would anyone want to interrupt such moments because they want to “help”?

    That’s when something will spoil

    Ever noticed that when two people are in the kitchen, that’s when plates will break, gas will finish, or two cups of salt will mysteriously fall into the soup? What’s that quote about how too many cooks spoil the broth again? 

    Their presence makes the food shy

    Food can only be vulnerable to one person at a time. Have you ever tried eating shy food? All the flavours won’t come out. Stay away from people’s kitchens, please. 

    You get upset when they say, “Can I help?”

    Of course, you can. You can help by leaving. If you were not invited, maybe it’s because we want you to rest. It’s not us. It’s you. 

    ALSO READ: 11 Things Everyone Who Hates the Sight of a Kitchen Knows to Be True

  • Retail Therapy is Expensive, but Here’s Why It Slaps

    Retail Therapy is Expensive, but Here’s Why It Slaps

    Therapy is expensive, retail therapy included, but wouldn’t you rather spend a sickening amount of money on clothes you’d forget in your wardrobe than on telling a therapist that your daddy beat you for stealing sweets two decades ago, now you cry for no reason when you see sweets? Yes? Same. 

    Here’s why retail therapy slaps. 

    1. You can heal your inner child 

    Having adult money is wild because you can just choose to get that toy you begged your mum for every month since you turned 10, and no one will beat you for spending it. You can buy a pack of chocolates, and eat it all in a day, and no one will judge you except your dentist, and last last, they’ll be fine. 

    RELATED: 7 Times In Life When You Were Truly Happy

    2. Waiting for your delivery gives you a reason to live

    If you’ve never had to wait for an international package to be delivered, you’re missing out. According to the Zikoko bureau of statistics, studies have shown that waiting for a delivery package increases your lifespan. Anyone who says money can’t solve your problems is a liar and a detty bitch.

    3. Everyone likes new things

    New things smell amazing and will instantly make you smile. Whoever made online shopping possible needs an award and a hot plate of amala. What a genius! You mean I can get what I want without moving an inch? Just thinking about the pose you’ll make in the mirror when you get a new shoe or dress will brighten your day. 

    RELATED: 7 Important Differences Between Okrika and Thrift

    4. It helps you forget your worries 

    Sometimes, you’re sad for no reason, and no amount of food or hugs can help, but doom scrolling through shopping apps can ease your mind and put you in a better mood. Try planning an outfit for two hours and see if you won’t forget all your worries for a while. 

    5. It’s like opening a present

    The best part of retail therapy is the unboxing. It’s the little thank you note for patronizing the vendor, the plans you get to make for that new box and the shot of relief when that shoe fits. All these little things can make the unboxing of your self-bought presents pretty exciting. 

    6. It gives you temporary joy

    If you had to choose between being super sad and temporary happiness, won’t you choose to be happy? Can that new bag pay for one therapy session? Yes, but does therapy come with free sample perfumes? No, and that’s on 14 similar t-shirts in your ASOS cart. 

    READ ALSO: Zikoko’s Guide To Patronizing Online Vendors

  • Maybe You’re Addicted to Twitter

    Maybe You’re Addicted to Twitter

    If you sometimes wonder whether you’re just a little too dependent on Twitter, then this list should help clear your doubt.

    You’re blocked by at least 20 people. 

    The more you use Twitter, the more likely you are to say something that someone considers stupid. So, if you scroll through the app and encounter at least one “you’ve been blocked by this account”, then you use the app too much. 

    You’ve blocked at least 20 people.

    Since Twitter allows anyone to say almost anything, you’ve probably come across tweets that made you block accounts. It’s fine. We’ve all been there. 

    RELATED: 5 Nigerians Tell Us Why They Have Burner Twitter Accounts

    It’s the first app you use when you wake up 

    You read it like the newspaper and that’s why it’s the first thing you check when you wake up in the morning. You want to get caught up on all the things that happened while you slept. 

    You find yourself using Twitter phrases like “He do usually lost?” “Kiki Mordi no go fok?” and “Ayomide rise, don’t waste my money” in real life. 

    People who don’t use Twitter as often don’t understand what you’re saying. You may try to explain to your friend what KMNGF means, but they won’t get it. The jokes fly over their heads, and sometimes, they assume you don’t know English. 

    You’ve patronised at least five Twitter vendors 

    You choose Twitter vendors because you know you have enough street cred to drag them if they do rubbish. You may have dragged one or two, but trust us, you’ll still drag a few more. 

    You save at least five memes a day 

    Memes are beginning to take up almost all the space in your gallery. You can save yourself stress and visit our meme website

    RELATED: QUIZ: Can We Guess Your Age Based on Your Taste in Memes? 

    You’ve been the Twitter main character before 

    Every day on Twitter, there’s a main character everyone focuses their energy either on fighting or defending. Use Twitter long enough, and you’d find yourself as the main character one day. 

    You’ve seen your tweet on Instagram 

    Have you really made it if someone hasn’t taken a screenshot of your tweet to post on Twitter? That’s how you separate the addicts from the regular users. Twitter addicts are hilarious. 

    You’re reading this article from Twitter 

    Someone probably shared the tweet with you, or you saw it on your tl. You never bother visiting our website directly because you already see all our tweets. 

    You’ve dated someone you met on Twitter

    Stayed on the app long enough to find love? Both of you might still be together, or it might have scattered. Either way, you both #MetonTwitter. 

    RELATED: 6 Nigerian Men Talk About Finding Love on Twitter 


    Zikoko is launching a new series where we explore those friendships, familial and romantic relationships that are no longer sailing.

  • Celebrating Ramadan as a Queer Muslim in Nigeria

    Celebrating Ramadan as a Queer Muslim in Nigeria

    Navigating Nigeria as a queer person can be difficult. Tack on being Muslim, you get an extra layer of hardship, especially during holidays celebrated with family. In this article, we spoke to six Nigerian queer Muslims about how they celebrate Ramadan, the conflict between their sexuality and religion, and how they celebrate Muslim religious holidays.  

    Fatimah, She/they 

    I often celebrate Eid and most festive periods alone or with a few friends. The only time I’ve celebrated with my birth family was during the part of the lockdown when I wasn’t in school. Eid is just another day for me. I want family members to normalise sending adults owo odun (Eid money), sha. Just because I am an adult now doesn’t mean I don’t deserve money. I’m sending hugs to all the queer Muslims that had to celebrate Eid alone or with family members who don’t welcome them.

    RELATED: 9 Nigerians Talk About Being Queer And Religious

    Toyo, She/Her

    One thing about Eid that I hate is the reunions! I detest it! It’s that time when family members or acquaintances update their database on your body size, accomplishments, and life choices. I celebrate Eid with my family; my birth, chosen, and forced family! 

    I want to celebrate Eid with my friends for a change. It’d be nice. Just because we’re family members doesn’t mean it’s your job to analyse and grade my life on a scale of your life experiences. In that regard, if I ever come out to them, I know what to expect. 

    I’m past the stage where I struggled with my religion and sexuality. I’m living the way any heterosexual person would live their life. I no longer think my sexuality is a sin. I refuse to believe that the supreme being would be mad at who I choose to love. I only have issues with society dictating their indoctrinated ideas.

    Mariam, She/they

    I’m not too fond of the stress. Why do I have to do so much just because we want to eat?

    I also hate not having Eid cloth. My mum missed it one time and decided not to continue. Not this year, though. I fought for my Aso odun (Eid cloth).

    When I was younger, people gave me Owo odun (Eid money) but not anymore. I still don’t know what changed.

    Most Importantly, I hate the internal conflict that comes with the holiday. Why am I even celebrating? Do I agree with most of the teachings and doctrines? Am I still a Muslim? I’d also love to celebrate knowing that I am fully accepted and loved by my family, regardless of my identity. 

    That’s why it makes me sad to think about the rejection I’ll face from my mum and the Muslims I know if they find out I’m Queer. I wonder if I’ll still be able to celebrate Eid with my family after that. I mean, Islam shouldn’t be a monolith.

    If you’re a queer and reading this, you are valid and amazing.

     April, She/They 

    I usually celebrate Eid with my family, but it was just my partner and me last year. I spent it this year with my partner and their family, even though they don’t know we are dating. At least, I got to avoid questions from my family about marriage. I missed cooking for everyone sha. I live for the satisfaction on their faces. Ideally, I’d love to spend Eid with my chosen family. 

    I’ve learnt to keep the relationship between Allah and me personally, shutting everything else because it does no good. It helps me struggle less with my sexual orientation if I don’t think about it too much. 

    Demi, They/He

    A year ago, I celebrated Eid with my immediate and extended family. We all went to my grandparents. During Ramadan, I hate the million and one questions people ask like “How’s school? Do you have a boyfriend now? Or how’s work? And the unsolicited comments like ” You’ve gained weight”. I like Eid money, even though they don’t give that anymore. Can’t they see how deep in the trenches I am? Besides that, I don’t know that there’s a way I’d want to spend a religious holiday. I want to treat it like a typical day where I just chill and exist. Maybe it’s because I struggle to reconcile my religion and sexuality. It’s crazy that the god who supposedly made me in my entirety( sexuality and all) hates me and will make me burn forever. On the other side is religion. It’s a  part of me and has become a conflicting battle when I think about it. So I try not to. It makes no sense that my religion supposedly hates me, and I’m supposed to love and practise it.  It doesn’t sit well with me, but I’m figuring it out sha. 

    ALSO READ: When a Queer Friend Comes Out to You, Here’s How to Be Respectful

  • Non-Binary Folks Are Sick of Answering These 8 Invasive Questions

    Non-Binary Folks Are Sick of Answering These 8 Invasive Questions

    If cisgender people aren’t telling non-binary people how they should present themselves, they’re busy asking these eight invasive questions. A big step to being a good trans/non-binary ally is to stop asking these questions. 

    “Are you a boy or a girl?”

    None of the above; that’s kind of the whole point. Non-binary people can present themselves in whatever way they want. This question can be harmful and annoying.

    RELATED: 3 Nigerian Trans Men On Coming Into Their Gender Identity

    “How do they/ them pronouns work for one person?” 

    There’s a vast difference between asking this question respectfully and saying it as a statement. No one should have to explain their pronouns to you, and non-binary folks don’t just use they/them pronouns, you should respect their pronouns. 

    “You don’t look non-binary”

    There’s no one way to look non-binary. No hairstyle, aesthetic, or facial feature makes you look non-binary. No one has to look a certain way to identify as non-binary.

    “What bathroom do you use?”

    The clean one with spare tissue papers. Please don’t ask this question. First of all, we are in Nigeria, where there are hardly any gender-neutral bathrooms. We use the one that ensures that no one will throw a tire over our heads when we step out. 

    RELATED: 10 Gender Neutral Pet Names For Your Partner

    “Why do you shop in the men/women section?”

    Because as soon as people attach “gender-neutral” to a clothing item, it costs an arm and a leg. Plus, clothes become gender-neutral when non-binary folks wear them and decide on that.

    “Are you intersex?”

    Not all intersex folks are non-binary, and it all boils down to the fact that you expect them to look a certain way. No one owes you an answer to this very invasive question. You can’t be an ally and be asking questions like these. 

    “What’s going on down there?”

    Not a lot, and none of your business. Non-binary folks don’t ask people what they have in their pants because that’s not something sane people do. Cisgender people should extend the same courtesy. 

    “What was your dead name?”

    Not all non-binary folks feel the need for a name change, and when they do change their name, it’s probably because the previous one didn’t feel right, cisgender folks change their names too. They do not owe you an answer to these questions, and to be honest, especially not when the dead name triggers their dysphoria. 

    READ ALSO: Sex Life: I Started Having Great Sex After Settling Into My Identity

  • When a Queer Friend Comes Out to You, Here’s How to Be Respectful

    When a Queer Friend Comes Out to You, Here’s How to Be Respectful

    Coming out is a pretty tough decision to make. If anyone ever comes out to you, it shows that they trust you or they care about your presence in their life so much they are willing to share their most sensitive information with you. 

    1. Ask how you can support them

    Thank them for trusting you with that information, reassure them and then ask how you can support them. Some of your queer friends may need you to remind others to use the right pronouns or need your help to set up a date with their partner. 

    RELATED: Coming Out to My Mum Didn’t Go How I Expected

    2. Be trustworthy

    Don’t make something that was told to you in confidence become a subject of petty gossip. You can’t just tell people they haven’t already come out to that they are queer. It’s not your place to spread such info.

    3. Don’t make it about you

    They weren’t intentionally holding back information about themselves from you, and a coming-out conversation is not the time to bring that up. Their willingness to share this with you means they trust and want you in their life. Don’t start asking weird, awkward questions they aren’t ready to answer. 

    RELATED: 6 Queer Nigerians on What They Are Tired of Hearing From Straight People

    4. Reassure your friend

    Let them know nothing is going to change and assure them you still love and care for them. Unless and nothing would change that except they steal your food or something, then you’ll deck them. 

    5. Ease the tension

    It takes a lot of courage to come out to anyone. Your friend is bound to be anxious or worried. The best thing you can do is to ease their mind. Make a joke that isn’t offensive or ask if you can hug them.

    6. Learn more about the community

    Don’t turn your friend into a human queer dictionary. Read up on your own about proper terms used in the community and open your mind. Only ask them when it’s not clear to you. It shows that you support and respect them enough to learn about the community. That’s how to be a good ally

    ALSO READ: The Lesbian Dating Experience: Expectations vs. Reality

  • Dog Owners Need to Stop Doing These Annoying Things

    Dog Owners Need to Stop Doing These Annoying Things

    Dog owners can be really cute when it comes to their dogs, but they can also be really annoying. There are some irritating things that they do that will make you question if they should have dogs in the first place. I’m sure you’ll agree with me on the seven things I’ve listed below that dog owners need to stop doing.

    Saying, “They’re well trained. they won’t bite”

    First of all, just because a dog is well trained, doesn’t mean it won’t bite. Dogs bite for various reasons, including being scared, provoked, or just being protective of their owners. Given the right conditions, any dog can bite. I’m not really interested in the kind of training your dog got. Whether they went to the Havard School of dog training is not my business. Please hold your dog well and let me pass.

    A picture of a Nigerian skit maker called Mr Macaroni

    Using their dog to taunt you 

    Not all dog owners do this. But there are quite a number of them that like to taunt people, especially their friends, with their fear of dogs. They’ll have a friend over and play silly pranks like releasing their dog and allowing the dog to go after them. And while they can hear their friend screaming in fear, they’ll stand there laughing. Try this with me and that’s where the friendship ends.

    A scene from a nollywood movie

    RELATED: 7 Things No One Tells You About Owning a Dog

    Saying, “They’re more afraid of you than you are of them”

    Did the dog tell them that? How do they know? Okay, even if they are, how does that stop them from biting me or attacking me? There’s a big ass rottweiler growling and foaming at the mouth, and you tell me he’s more afraid of me than I am of him? 

    A picture of an actress from a Nollywood scene

    Not locking up their dog when someone comes over 

    Hear me out. I’m not saying they should lock up their dog the whole time they have someone over. But if the person coming over to their house is afraid of dogs, at least lock the dog up so the person can feel comfortable. Instead, dog owners will  stand in front of the dog and tell you to pass, talmabout, “The dog won’t do anything.” Meanwhile, the dog is making direct eye contact with you and daring you to pass.

    Image of a dog

    RELATED: Goats Are Better Pets Than Dogs or Cats. We Can Explain

    Letting their dog run free on the streets.

    I can’t remember the number of times I walked home from somewhere and saw a dog strutting down the street with its owner very far behind. The thought that always runs through my head at that point is, “If this dog decides to attack me, what will the owner do from all the way over there?” 

    I mage of a young boy standing on the street with a red cowboy hat, having an angry look on his face

    Bringing their dog over without asking first

    Why do some dog owners feel that they can do anyhow? It’s as if they feel everyone likes dogs, so they can take their dogs anywhere. If you’re going to bring your dog along to someone’s house, at least call ahead to ask if it’s okay. Especially when there may be other people in the house. I’m begging you.

    An image from a Nollywood movie scene

    Trying to make you play with their dog

    The phrase they always say is, “You can play with them; they’re friendly.” But just because the dog is friendly with you and some other people, doesn’t mean it’ll be friendly with me. Also, what if the dog isn’t in a friendly mood and that’s when you’re asking me to play with it?  Please take my no as no, I don’t want to play with your dog. Thanks and God bless. 

    Image of a man raising his hands up

    ALSO READ: 12 Pictures You’ll Understand If You’ve Ever Visited A Nigerian With A Dog

    Image of a banner about the new Zikoko My Bro series
  • Using “Ladies and Gentlemen” is Outdated, Try These 7 Exciting Greetings Instead

    Using “Ladies and Gentlemen” is Outdated, Try These 7 Exciting Greetings Instead

    Using ladies and gentlemen is outdated and excludes trans/non-binary folks. It’s also such a boring way to start a speech but, if you use any of these, you’ll instantly become cool, possibly funny but most importantly, language inclusive. You’re welcome. 

    1. “Humans and non-humans”

    Every day in the news, someone is turning into a bat, a goat or a cat. Best to just respect all parties involved before they come for you in the night.  

    RELATED: 7 Animals You Shouldn’t Turn Into in Nigeria

    2. “Distinguished guests”

    Tap into your inner 60+,/retired professor/family friend energy to use this greeting effectively. Pick the time and place for this one sha, because if you use this at a birthday party or in a club, them fit stone you shoe.

    3.“people/peers/colleagues/associates/ everyone”

    This one is giving millennial, because if I call someone my colleague, it’s an insult. No I will not be explaining further, but it’s inclusive and therefore valid. Here’s to millennials saving the day. 

    4. “Cherished friends and tolerated acquaintances

    If you use this, you’ll instantly establish yourself as a funny or at least an interesting person. Bonus points for randomly giving people moments of  existential crisis and making them question their place in your life. Life is no fun without a little chaos after all. 

    5. “Friends, family and enemies”

    It’s not a gathering of Nigerians if your enemies aren’t disguising among your well wishers. If you have the power to call them out, why won’t you take it? When you do, sha send us videos of the fight that happens after. 

    RELATED: 7 People You Need to Avoid at Your Next Family Gathering

    6. “Gentle humans and agberos”

    Because while there may be gentle ones among us, nearly everybody is mad in this country, and what better way to represent them? Let everybody figure out who is gentle and who is the agbero on their own. 

    7. “Hi besties!”

    You get to sound Gen Z kind of cool. Everyone feels comfortable around someone that calls them bestie. It’s not gendered, so it applies to anyone and can be used in any context.   

    ALSO READ: If Gen Zs Don’t Say These 12 Things in a Day, They Might Actually Die

  • Every Queer Group Chat Has One of These 9 People

    Every Queer Group Chat Has One of These 9 People

    As a queer person, the best thing that can happen to you is finding a community that cares about you. That’s why when people create those random queer whatsapp group chats, there’s always a rush to join. It’s all fun and games until at least four people annoy everyone and people stop texting. 

    1. The activist

    These people are such a gift. They stay reminding everyone about important queer dates and happenings. They’re always ready to answer questions or ginger people to learn more about queer theory. Grateful for their existence, tbh.  

    RELATED: 6 Queer Nigerians Give Advice to Newer Queer People

    2. The Twitter-famous gay person

    Everyone and their mums have a crush on them. As soon as they join the group chat, everyone goes to their Twitter burner accounts to talk about how fate has brought them to their doorstep and how they can’t breathe. Wahala for who no famous. 

    3. The single person looking to find love

    As soon as a new member joins the group chat, you’ll see them flirting almost immediately. The funniest part is that they never actually find love, but it’s interesting to watch them try. Must be nice to be that bold sha. 

    4. The person who keeps planning hangouts

    The only thing they talk about is hanging out 24/7. It’s sweet and all, but “outside” is expensive and exhausting, please, so maybe don’t make people feel bad for saying no. When the hangout happens though, it’s always memorable — the kind that makes you feel good for a long time. 

    5. The queer person abroad

    It can be a little lonely being in a country so far away, where no one understands your struggles as a queer Nigerian, so it makes sense that they’ll join Nigerian queer groups like these. But they don’t know how much hope they give us still living in Nigeria when they send pictures of themself living so loudly queer and free. 

    RELATED: “Leaving Nigeria Helped Me Accept My Sexuality”-Abroad Life

    6. The gossip

    Do you have secrets? Good for you, they know it already. They know all the tea and they don’t mind spilling it on a whim. While this makes people cautious about what they say around them. But gossip doesn’t always mean harm.

    7. The person who knows everybody

    They’re friends with everybody you can think of. If you want to interview someone, just ask them. If you have a crush on someone and you’re too shy to message, ask them for help or an introduction. They’re the solid plug for everything. 

    8. The pick-me

    These ones stress me out. In what sane world would it make sense to understand your oppressor’s point of view? Arguing with them can be so pointless because they’re so set in their ways. I hope they heal sha because wtf!

    9. The close friends 

    These guys were most likely friends before they got into the group or at least Twitter mutuals. They’re the life of the group, bringing up games and fun topics,  arguing playfully or insulting each other while everyone is asleep, but they keep the group active and that’s what matters. 

    ALSO READ: Every Queer Friend Group Has One of These