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INEC is collating the 2023 election results, tensions are high, and I can bet my last ₦500 that — even though you’ve had to resume work — it’s probably not the first thing on your mind today. Don’t let these colleagues add to what’s already doing you.
The bad news amplifiers
It’s like these ones just turned on post notifications for the most horrible news. Yes, we know everything is going to shit, but please, #ProtectYourMentalHealth.
Team “Why do you care so much?”
If you check it very well, they’re probably already processing their japa papers, so they don’t care what happens. Lucky for you, Angela, but this is my own future.
The overly serious ones
Anyone who’s 100% focused on work today obviously isn’t normal. I said what I said.
The suspiciously happy ones
They might be supporters of a certain overall-best-in-rigging party. You don’t need anyone to tell you they don’t mean you well.
The low-budget INEC officers
They have all the figures from every polling unit in the country. On the bright side, you can always go to them for the latest, but if they’re on your work team, sorry for you because you’ll have to do their work in addition to your own.
The tribal advocates
Avoiding this set of people is just common sense unless you want to get tempted to slap someone’s child and embrace unemployment.
Your boss
Today should’ve been a public holiday. No one should have to answer to capitalism when we’re trying not to die from anxiety.
The most interesting Nigerians are the ones you meet on a queue. But this isn’t just any queue. Here are the seven types of people you’re sure to meet at your polling unit come February 25th.
The one who just wants to be comfortable
These guys don’t care how long it’ll take, all that matters is they have their charged power banks, foldable chairs with an umbrella attached, multiple bottles of water, food and snacks. They want to vote but in the most comfortable way, and to be honest, I stan.
The one who came to keep space for all their family members
They’d keep space for themselves and their entire generation unborn, if possible. And you can’t even be upset because, at least, they came to vote.
The pastor who prays before voting starts
You’ll be trying to get yourself together after arriving early to see a long queue, and the next thing, you hear is, “Can we please close our eyes for prayers”. We’ll allow it sha. Maybe God will make people vote right for the good of Nigeria.
The first-time voter
This one is just there to stress about the process. The person at their front or back will get sick of answering questions and start ignoring them. They’ll be alright when they realise it’s not hard — just make your choice and go.
The political analysts
Instead of voting and going home to their families, they find a spot to hang around and argue for hours.
The vote watchers
Just like the political analysts, they stay behind after voting to see who other people have voted for. They’ll interview everyone and just cause a nuisance. Ignoring them is the only way to go.
You
You know what you want from your candidate. You know the future you want for yourself and everyone else. All that matters to you is casting your vote so you can go home and wait for a favourable result. Your vote counts in every way.
Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.
My full name is Alexander Chidiebere Ashimole.
People tried to give me different nicknames at different points in my life, but the only one that stuck was the one I gave myself — Lex Ash. I’m a photographer, but I’m also a musician. I’m relatively good at every artistic thing I’ve tried, so I’m thankful for that gift. I’m deeply spiritual, and I don’t like anything that stresses me out. When I want to relax, I watch comedy. I’m also an amala hater. I’m a gadget person, so if I had all the money in the world, I’d probably just be buying tech gadgets for the sake of it.
Lex, this is not a safe space for amala hate. Also, only rich people like gadgets. Do you have Starlink?
I’ve tried amala, and it’s not worth it. I don’t know why people put themselves through that, but Nigerians voted Buhari twice, so yeah. I’m not rich o. I spent all my money on a new place, and I’ve decided that until further notice, no big purchases. But Starlink might be somewhere in my future. I don’t just spend money like that. I have to plan and think about it.
All I’m hearing is wealth. I’ve added you to my list of rich people
Where did the wealth come from, please? I started by saying I don’t have any money.
I refuse to hear about poverty. A new place in this regime? Work must be great, then
Work isn’t going all that great, so you people should give me work. So if you guys have an opening in Zikoko, please, let me know. I do like money, so any extra source of income is welcome. Photography can be, and I hate this part of it, seasonal. Sometimes, it’s good; other times, you get worried because you don’t know when money will come again. It’s spaced out, so I don’t get a lot of jobs too frequently. So annoying. For example, there are seasons when people get married more frequently. And I think I’m one of the more expensive brands in wedding photography. Some people come to me after some of the photographers they want have been booked, a lot of people also come to me because of my style, so I’m thankful for that.
You make it sound like you’re second choice
That’s usually the case. But a lot of event planners don’t refer me because they probably don’t see a lot of my wedding photography work online. I’m trying to change that. At the same time, if I don’t get photography jobs, where will I see photography pictures? Event planners have roasters of people who cover their weddings. Most times, it’s the couple who reach out to me, and they always love my work. If you know anybody who’s getting married, or ageing up and has money as well, please tell them I’m available.
What’s your price range?
I have a base charge. I have rate cards for weddings.
For portraits, I charge somewhere per outfit, depending on the situation. I also started creating alternative options for people with lesser budgets, we can come up with a custom price or package for you. Studio shoots are cheaper. And charging per hour doesn’t work because we Nigerians have a time problem.
What happens when the person wears a suit, then takes off the jacket? They technically did not change the outfit
You also get a limited amount of images per outfit. So if you’re wearing a jacket and take it off, you didn’t change the outfit, but you’re still limited to three images. I deliver three retouched images per outfit, no matter what you do to your outfits.
How do you charge for weddings?
I charge a day rate with extra charges for whatever service they want to add to it. If you’re going to do a pre-wedding session, an after-party, photo books and frames or if I need extra hands, those cost extra.
Can you give me a rough estimate? What’s the highest you’ve been paid?
₦4.something million for a four-day wedding. The first day was thirty minutes of work. The last day was four hours of work, but the main wedding events lasted two days.
Wow. I didn’t know Nigerians spent money like that
People spend as much as 200 million on weddings. Probably even more.
Does being around all that jazz make you want to settle down?
The weddings themselves don’t necessarily make me feel like that; there’s just the human urge to be coupled. Have you seen how stressful weddings can be? Even me, as the photographer, I know. In fact, let’s take out all the traditional wedding activities. Why do people feel the need to make sure the whole world is at their wedding, and they all have to dress up in certain weaves, aso-ebi and whatnot. I don’t like spending money like that, but if it’s my close friend, I’ll do it.
How did you get into photography? Did you grow up with a camera?
So remember how I said I like gadgets? I had this friend who got a camera in school. In fact, it was a camcorder, and I was just playing around with it during our science and technology week when I was randomly given the assignment to make a photography workshop happen. That was my first-ever experience in the same space with a photographer and people who are interested in photography. This is all the way back in 2011. People would see me with my friend’s camera and say, “Oh, this is nice. Take a picture of me.” And by 2013, I definitely wanted to do it for real.
What kind of pictures did you take at first?
I used to do graphic design. And it was just hard to find pictures of black people to use for designs. That was my first project, manipulating, putting somebody who’s dancing in a place where there’s water flowing, for example. Or changing a person’s face to grass. Something like that, just random things.
Do you remember your first official project?
In 2012, my friend allowed me to borrow his camera, and we were having a trade fair in school. I was just going around taking random pictures when somebody was trying to make a decision about buying asun. So I took a picture of the asun and showed it to them, and they went, I’ll take two packs, please. The fact that the picture I took made them decide to actually buy the asun was very interesting and funny to me. Later in 2013, the pictures I took during some chapel services were used on a billboard. That was pretty cool too.
Did they pay you for that?
I wasn’t even thinking of payment that time. I just made friends with the people in the Corporate Affairs Unit, and they’d let me borrow their cameras once in a while. So it was okay.
Did that asun story prompt you to use photography to tell stories?
Probably, but I think it was everything together. I always just loved the idea of creating images other people can connect with. From my graphic design to photography, or even when I was writing and singing in school. I always wanted people to have an emotional connection to it. But I didn’t know how that would take shape exactly. The asun incident was just one of the things I was doing to pass the time that contributed to the big idea.
What did you study in school actually?
I studied estate management, but that’s not what I want to be hired for. I want to be the chief marketing officer of a tech startup.
How do you go from estate management to marketing officer?
Estate management is about selling and evaluating landed property, and marketing is attached to it. I’ve always been big on brand building since I started doing graphic design. So all my work experience has been related to that. I worked two months in Unilever Nigeria with the internal communications team. I also worked in radio as the chair of content management. I worked in a tech company for two years before I quit in 2017 to try this photography something.
Do you ever regret taking a bet on yourself like that?
No, not at all. I knew it was coming. I just didn’t know when, and after I left, I was broke for a while. But I knew what was possible. This is the sixth year, and I haven’t regretted that decision one bit. I don’t miss the 9-5 life. I can’t deny that consistent income helps you plan your life and gives you something to do on a daily basis. But I don’t think I’d ever want to go back. If anything, I’d do consultancy where I choose my hours. Even now, the only reason I’m looking for a job is because my eyes have tear. I want more money. I love money. I’m trying to burn the candle from two ends. I want to get consistent money while I get photography money in a way that’s maximally efficient.
How did you now get into music?
I was in the choir in Covenant University. Even when I finished youth service, a church paid me to be part of their choir l. I say music was my first love. But I’m the type to double my talents like that parable from the Bible. Everyone needs an alternative source of income. At the very beginning, I had photography, but I didn’t feel like I could stand alone with it. It’s possible for you to love something, but because it’s your source of income, it becomes more stressful and challenging. So you want to find other artistic hobbies as an outlet. So I still love photography, but music started for me because my photography business had come to a point where I could explore another side of myself.
So with music, you want to express yourself, not earn?
No o. I want to earn and express myself, please. Remember what I said about money and liking it? So if it can get me money, of course I’d take it. I’m looking for money. At the end of the day, please, it’s important.
Are you earning from music yet?
Not as much as I’d like. As much as I want to earn from it, I’m also big on doing what I love. I’m creating music, but I don’t have a label, or the financial backing is not as big as it needs to be. That’s also how my photography started, right? I was doing stuff I loved, and eventually, people came around to it. Now, people pay me a lot of money for it. Before you can make a lot of money off streaming, you need to get a million streams or something. I haven’t gotten to that point yet.
But does photography open doors for you?
Yes, my photography has helped me meet some really interesting people. I’ve met Mark Zuckerberg. I’ve been able to change people’s lives. I’m thankful because I’ve mentored people who now live on their photography. I’ve been talked about in places I’ve never been because of my photography. You know, the bible says a man’s gift maketh way for him and puts him before great men. That’s my testimony.
Hallelujah. Do you feel like you’re at the peak of your career?
I don’t think I’m anywhere close to up there. I think I’m, if anything, a tiny local champion — even “champion” is a strong word. I hope to be a global phenomenon, not just in photography, in everything. Photography, as much as I love it, is still a stepping stone to my bigger goals.
What are these goals? What does going global look like?
I want somebody somewhere in Bangladesh to think, “I can be a great photographer” because this random guy from Nigeria did it. I want people I probably will never meet to connect with my work on a personal level.
I want to establish a University of the Arts in Nigeria. I don’t know how it’ll happen or how I’ll get there, but there are so many incredibly gifted people in this country who never get the opportunities they need to showcase their gifts. I hate how they may never get the chance to pursue their passion. The Grammys are big because there’s an academy of scholars who’ve studied music and the arts to the point where they’ve come together to create a conglomerate that celebrates them. The reason why we don’t have that in Nigeria is because the art world is still growing here. But also, people don’t think it’s a viable, life choice to become an artist. There are no schools people respect, like universities where you can study the arts.
Are you doing anything to make these dreams happen yet?
Everything I’ve done up to this point has led me here, and it’ll lead me there, if that makes sense. I don’t have a school currently, but one thing I’m trying to do in 2023 is create a mentorship program. I won’t restrict it to photographers, but they’ll be the main focus. And hopefully, this coming election will be the starting point of a new era, and we get to the point where our passports can do better, so creatives can stay or go and come as they please.
Here’s my final question: Why do you tell such bad dad jokes on Twitter?
I take offence to that. What do you mean my dad jokes are bad? First of all, I’m not a dad; it’s just a joke. Secondly, for you to call it a joke, that means it’s funny. I feel like it takes a refined mind to appreciate a good joke; bad is not a word I’d use for art. So the fact that you did not snicker at my snickers makes me doubt the bounty of your ability to imagine.
You should stick to photography
Who do you know that’s a better jokes person than I am?
Honestly, if you ever do stand up? I’ll be throwing tomatoes and that shit’s expensive
I’ll be getting vegetables, and that means I’ll be getting a balanced diet. So I don’t mind it. I’d still keep on my stand-up career.
Nigerians are going through it right now. Mere days to the 2023 elections and there’s fuel and cash scarcity, harmattan 2.0, and now, some bank apps are refusing to open or allow transfers.
After a certain Nigerian bank — that creates TV shows and organises fashion events — caused a driver to almost beat me up, I decided to ask other Nigerians how they’re hacking this financial mess. These are some of the alternatives they gave me.
Make card-only transactions
With no cash or bank app, it’s time to focus on your debit card. Everywhere you go, ask for a POS, and please, pack your slippers and run if they don’t have one. Also, connect all your cards to your Bolt or Uber accounts to avoid getting stranded because your transfer is taking longer than all three Lord of the Rings movies combined.
Help people make payments with your card in exchange for their cash
Standing by the supermarket counter and offering to pay for someone’s groceries might look weird at first. But when you go home with different colours of new notes, the shame will leave your body. For this to be effective, you have to offer Black Friday sales: If someone’s bill is ₦9,800 ask them to give you ₦9,500 while you sort out the remaining ₦300.
Become active in church and collect cash offering in exchange for transfer
What God cannot do doesn’t exist, and the latest miracle is finding cash in the house of the Lord. The inside gist is some people with access are collecting part of your Sunday offerings and making transfers to the church’s account. If you’re an active member, now is the time to befriend the usher or pastor for blessings in the form of cash.
Become best friends with your nearest POS agent for insider gist
After President Bubu, the next most powerful person in Nigeria is that guy with a POS machine and umbrella at your junction. POS agents are the new movers and shakers, so having one on your side to either flash or call you as soon as container cash arrives might just be what you need to survive these dark times.
Since bank apps have refused to function during the day, some Nigerians are doing night vigils to make their transfers, and we heard it works. Write down all the account numbers you need to send money to, open your bank app at 1 a.m. while witches are having drama rehearsals, and watch at least one of your transactions cross the finish line.
Use digital financial apps like Opay, Carbon, etc.
With regular bank apps disgracing and turning us into onigbeses, Nigerians are turning to other apps that offer financial services, like OPay, Carbon, Orange Money Africa and GOMoney. It might be a struggle to send money from your regular bank app to one of these apps, but it’s smooth sailing from when you manage to japa financially.
Break the kom kom under your bed
Yes, I know you’ve been saving money in that wooden piggy bank since your NYSC days, but how can you keep saving when you can’t access your account to buy a bottle of water to survive? Only the living can save, dear. Get a hammer and demolish that DIY bank today. You can go back to your saving culture when life gets back to normal.
I’ll be first to admit I underestimated just how many Kims exist in the K-pop world. Not to be mistaken for relatives of Kim Jong-un, the supreme leader of North Korea, here are all the Kims any true K-stan knows and loves.
Kim Yujin
If you’re a big fan of fantasy movies and saw the American TV show, Lost, growing up, then you’ve seen this actress before. She’s most popular for her role in Money Heist though.
Kim Bum
Probably one of the most underrated South Korean actors, he’s also a singer, dancer and model. You may know him from Boys Over Flower, Tale of the Nine-Tailed, Ghost Doctor or 18 Again.
Kim Taeri
Our baby-faced fave is the actress who had a breakout role in the award-winning movie, The Handmaiden,and the heart-breaking 2022 high school drama, Twenty-five Twenty-one.
Kim Go Eun
The queen of tears. Are you even a K-drama fan if you don’t know Go Eun from Cheese in the Trap, Goblin,and, more recently, Little Women?
Kim Seokjin
He’s the oldest member and lead vocalist of BTS, currently serving in the South Korean army.
Kim Jongin
Probably one of the best dancers in K-pop, EXO-Ls will never forget him in his iconic red suit from that Love Shot fam cam. The rapper and model is a member of the 3rd-gen group, EXO.
Kim Jisoo
She’s the lead vocalist of the global girl group, BLACKPINK, who made her debut as an actress in the romantic K-drama, Snowdrop. She’s also the group’s “visual”; BLINKs call her “Miss Korea” for perfectly meeting the Korean beauty standard.
Kim Namjoon
If you don’t know who this is, we should actually fight you. Popularly known as RM (Rap Monster), Namjoon is the leader and main rapper of BTS.
The other piece of the BLACKPINK Kim duo, Jennie is the main rapper of the global girl group. But like most K-pop idols, her acting career is brewing as she’s set to star in The Weeknd’s drama series, The Idol.
Kim Doyoung
The main vocalist of NCT 127 who sang the OSTs for popular dramas like Soundtrack#1, Tale of Nokdu, Yumi’s Cells and School 2017. He also starred as the lead in To X Who Doesn’t Love Me.
Kim Taehyung
Popularly known as V, Kim Taehyung is a member of BTS. With his unique baritone voice and pretty face, he’s managed to steal all our hearts. He also starred in the popular K-drama, Hwarang.
Kim Mingyu
One of the good K-pop rappers, he’s also a model (best in taking boyfriend pictures) and can cook pretty well. This SEVENTEEN member is multitalented.
Kim Chaewon
She’s the leader of the viral 4th-gen girl group, LE SSERAFIM, but OG K-pop stans know her from her days in IZ*ONE and the talent survival show, Produce 48.
Kim Seungmin
You know him as the lead vocalist of the boy group, Stray Kids, but Stays know he’s secretly the lead rapper. You’ve probably seen him in some of your favourite K-dramas too.
Adulting is more than enough reason to seek therapy. Your entire life is just an endless cycle of bills and deciding what to eat.
But you see these particular jobs? They’re so stressful, anyone who does them should automatically qualify for free therapy.
POS operator
Sure, they’re balling now, but they’re also fast becoming the subject of swears because of the high withdrawal charges the cash scarcity has forced them to impose. #PrayForAnOperatorToday
Babalawo
One day, you’re performing money rituals hitch-free. The next day, you hear the government wants to change currency. How do you tell the gods they have to start applying filter on the notes they send?
Writer
Especially Zikoko writers. You may already know this, but we’re not fully alright.
TikToker
Because it can’t be normal to dress up just to dance in front of a camera 24 hours every day.
In fact, every content creator
Especially those who live in Nigeria. If NEPA isn’t acting up, it’s fuel acting like a shy bride. God, abeg.
Tailor
Yes, we love to hate tailors, but why would you give someone ₦5k for a corset dress? Think it na.
Every worker in Nigeria
Living in Nigeria is already hard. You now have to work? Sorry o.
I’ve been watching Crash Course in Romance, and it shows the extreme lengths Korean parents go to when it comes to their kid’s academics. This comes up in every K-drama that focuses on high schoolers.
Like Koreans, Nigerians value education and often have high expectations for their children’s academic achievements, but here’s how Nigerian parents enforce it differently.
They’ll never stalk your lesson teacher
Sorry to Korean parents, but Nigerian parents aren’t jobless. They won’t even remember your lesson teacher’s name unless you fail after they’ve wasted their money. Why would they waste their fuel or transport like that? The mum in Crash Course In Romance stalked her daughter’s after-school teacher, with her child in the car, like it’s normal. And she later hired a detective to do the same thing.
What’s their business with what you do after school?
In K-drama, the parents are always pressed about what their kids do with their time after school. But if Nigerian parents think for a second that you’re playing too much, they’ll just lock you in boarding school. Someone will give them your gist without them making effort anyway.
How you pass is up to you. Just pass
Nigerian parents expect you to pass by divine understanding and a few low-budget lesson teachers. Korean parents enrol their children in private academies called “hagwons“, after school or on weekends, to supplement their regular education. Korean mums stand in long queues to make sure their kids get the best seats in front of the board, pay an arm and a leg to get their kids into top tutorial centres and might even kill if need be.
They won’t bully the person who does better than you
In Crash Course in Romance, a mum made sure a child got kicked out of a program just because she did better than her daughter. Nigerian parents will be proud of your competition and ask you if they have two heads. Your beef is not their beef.
Limiting your social activities
As a Nigerian kid, what even is a social life? If you want one, wait till you’re a doctor with three children. This is probably the one thing both parents have in common. But Korean parents go the extra mile by tracking their kids’ phones or picking you up from school themselves.
They won’t move just to be close to better schools
No, no. Nigerian parents don’t inconvenience themselves for you. You better get used to that four-hour-a-day commute because they’ll send you to that good school, but move closer to it? Never.
Or relocate to a different country
My brother in Christ, your best bet as a Nigerian kid is to learn how to take care of yourself because you’ll relocate alright, but alone. In Our Blues, a dad who was struggling to provide for his family moved abroad for his child’s golfing career and education. And the child still wanted to quit after everything. Imagine trying that with a Nigerian dad.
You must take responsibility for your bad test scores
Nigerian parents only intervene with prayer, shouting, flogging, and when they’re sure your head is actually just a basket, they get a lesson teacher. In high school K-drama, parents will blame themselves for not waking their kids up or taking them to school on time, or having enough money to pay for tutorials. Culture shock for real.
I can’t even tell which is worse, the ones who stress you out and make you forget you’re a kid or the ones who don’t stress you out but still keep you from enjoying your childhood. Sha, we move.
With the naira redesign and ensuing shortage of cash, many are now stuck with old notes. If you’re one of such people looking for what to do with your old notes, we’ve got some ideas for you.
Give El-Rufai
He’s still saying people should keep using the old notes, so just give them all to him. Let him change it for you.
Trade with an akara seller
Food has cost, and times are tough. Old notes are the new old newspapers, so why not try swapping them for some akara? At least, if you can’t buy food with them, you can use them to collect food.
Rag
Harmattan is kuku back so there’s more dust. CBN saw this coming and introduced the naira redesign just so you can use your old notes to dust your clothes and shoes.
When you can’t put on your AC because there’s no fuel, use the old notes to clean your sweat and tears.
Sew cloth
If you can’t afford the ₦25,999 Adedoyin dress those money launderers fashion designers sell on Instagram, use your old naira notes as fabric for new clothes.
Make a wig
Is it in this economy you want to be spending ₦150k on bone straight bob? Better tear your money and get to wigging.
Brown paper is hard to find these days, so use your old naira notes as an alternative.
Keep for your children and grandchildren
Let them rate you as the parent or grandparent who cares about teaching them Nigerian history. You sef, don’t you want to tell someone, “Back in my day”?
Some people might attribute the return of harmattan to global warming. But what do they know? Do they know more than us? We’re here to tell you the REAL reason why harmattan decided to stage a comeback in the middle of February.
Elections are coming
Do you really want to vote in extreme heat? No, you don’t.
You complained
Every two to three business days, there was a Tweet complaining about how hot the country is. Now, your prayers have been answered. Someone shout glory!
The last person to go to hell closed the gate
We’ve been this hot because people always leave the gate open when they get to hell. And the heat from the fiery pit finds its way to Nigeria, their Earthly branch. Now that the last person to go closed the gate, we can enjoy a country that isn’t trying to use heat to kill us.
People were using the heat as an excuse to stop rubbing cream. Mother nature took offense and decided to get involved. Now, if you don’t take care of your skin, you’ll look like a goblin. She’s giving us tough motherly love.
Valentine’s Day is over
Harmattan started after Valentine’s Day because it didn’t want to give people an even bigger excuse to commit sin. In the scorching heat, some people stayed away from all appearances of evil.
Fuel is scarce
You can’t put on your fans and ACs anymore, so harmattan came back to relieve some of the stress. Now, you won’t have a heat stroke during the day.
The sun is tired
The sun has been putting in the work these past couple of weeks. It has burned tirelessly, and now, it needs a break. That’s why it invited harmattan over for some support.
If you have an older sibling, you don’t know how lucky you are. You have someone to give you advice and clothes, someone who’ll always stand up for you when your parents are moving mad. But they struggle with things too. Their lives aren’t as perfect as it seems.
Having all the best things
As the older sibling, they bear the pressure of having all the nicest things. They need to get the coolest clothes and shoes for their younger siblings to steal. Must be rough.
It all starts with them I spending their childhood babysitting kids. Then by the ripe age of 25, they’re asking their siblings questions like, “Who’s that boy you’re talking to?” or “Is that the shirt you’re wearing to follow me outside?” They’ve been so close to your parents for so long, they start to act like them. What a shame.
Dealing with unhappy staff siblings
When the younger siblings were born, they thought they could breathe because their parents had given them unpaid house staff. But instead of the younger siblings to be happy to help, all they do is complain.
Being the favourite child
Not everyone can handle being their parents’ favourite. Which happens naturally to them because they stress them out the least by being perfect. As a reward, they have to willingly listen to all their parents’ stories ten times.
Watching your siblings grow old
As the older sibling, they get to watch their younger ones grow from screaming diaper-wearing infants to adults who drink their coffee black. They’re the only ones who remember in detail all the versions they’ve outgrown over the years.
Being poor because they spend all their money on bribes
They should be rich since they’ve been alive the longest, but alas, that’s not the case. Why? Because their siblings find tiny ways to bill them. They’ve bribed them to get out of trouble more times than any Nigerian politician trying to win an election.
Having all the best advice
As an older sibling, they have to deal with the constant headache of using their brain too much. They spend all their time acquiring experience with bad friends and horrible partners to advise their siblings in their time of need. It’s a thankless service they take for granted.
Most Korean actors are versatile. They try their best to switch it up from time to time. But some have taken it to such great lengths that it’s like they have a split personality on screen. Here are some actors who’ve played both Patience Ozokwor and Chioma Chukwuka-like roles.
Ok Taec-yeon
His role as the naive intern who turned out to be the evil mastermind in Vincenzostill has me shook nearly two years after, mostly because I’d never seen him play a role like that. He’s usually the charming male lead who acts gruff but has a soft heart, like in Dream High, Bring It On Ghost or his super cheerful character in Secret Royal Inspector Joy. All I know is I’ll be looking extra hard at whatever character he chooses to play next.
If she’s not one of your favourite Korean actresses right now, you don’t like good things. Kim Da Mi knows how to switch things up. She can be a super feisty genius sociopath, like in Itaewon Class, or a fearless evil spirit (or whatever that was) in The Witch: Part 1. The Subversion, who murders her rival, Choi Woo-shik (her romantic love interest in Our Beloved Summer). Whew, can’t she do it all?
Park Bo Geum
Based on his cute face alone, there are some roles you won’t expect to see Bo Geum play, but I laugh in “original ekun egbere”. If you’re like me, you fell in love with him after watching him play Taek, an internationally renowned genius Baduk player, in Reply 1988. He was the quietest of all his friends and the baby of the group. Then I watched him play the cunning and emotionless serial killer who was also a lawyer in Hello Monster. I couldn’t believe my eyes, but he’ll always be cute Taek to me sha.
Lee Dong Wook
When he plays evil Patience Ozokwor characters, I expect it; he looks evil. But when he’s nice, my chest starts to pain me. For a grim reaper in Goblin, he was super adorable, and I was even rooting for him. Then I saw him in Strangers From Hell, where he plays a dentist who was a little too friendly. He turned out to be a psychopathic murderer, and my heart actually rested because it made sense. Have you ever met a nice dentist? Don’t watch Strangers From Hell if you have a weak heart o.
Uhm Ki Joon
When this man plays a villain, you’ll find yourself praying to God for all the people who find his trouble. But when he’s the victim, he’s so cute and sweet. One of his sweeter roles was as Kang Oh-Hyuk, a teacher who believed in all his students, in Dream High. He fought for them even though they nearly gave him a heart attack and made him lose his job. So when you meet his character in Penthouse — a super convincing psychopathic businessman who’ll stop at nothing to get what he wants — you’ll wonder if it’s the same person.
Lee Seung-gi
I wouldn’t usually list Lee Seung-gi as someone with range because most of his characters feel the same. He’s usually funny, light-hearted and doesn’t take things too seriously, even when he’s on the brink of death — watch My Girlfriend Is a Gumiho, King 2 Hearts Gu Family Book and A Korean Odyssey. That changed in Mouse, where he played a police officer who turned out to be a psychopathic serial killer. It doesn’t help that it was based on a true story (I still have shivers thinking about it).
Ji Sung
Ji Sung is the king of versatility. In Kill Me Heal Me,he played Cha Do Hyun, a character with seven alter egos, including a teenage girl. He has the funniest facial expressions that keep you laughing even in serious scenes, but he can also switch it up. In Devil Judge, he was so unsympathetic, I wanted to slap him through my screen. That’s how you know an actor is good at his job.
Jo Jung Suk
If you were introduced to Jo Jung Suk in Hospital Playlist, you’ll assume he’s the sweetest and funniest actor. He was a great, super-friendly dad who made silly jokes. But in Hit-And-Run Squad, he played a stinky rich and arrogant race car driver. Like a rich Nigerian, his character assumes he’s above the law. I’ve since chosen to unsee that character, but I’m proud of his range still.
Kim Go Eun
When you see Kim Go Eun in a movie, you expect tears. But in Monster, she played an aggressive and weird character who wanted nothing more than revenge for her sister’s death. And she deserved a standing ovation for her role in Pretty Women because, wow. What a deceit. I can’t wait to see her play a proper villain though.
Kim Hyun Joo
My queen, the original IT girl, Kim Hyun Joo, has spent years showing us what versatility looks like. She makes you forget any character she’s played before the one on your screen. In I Have A Lover, she played twin sisters separated at birth. One was a super cold and apathetic lawyer, and the other, a sweet and funny pregnant woman. In the Watcher, she’s a ruthless and manipulative lawyer who doesn’t understand team spirit at all. If she’s not winning, what’s the point? Then you see her play a terminally ill woman in Fantastic and wonder if she’s Chioma Chukuwka’s twin because, why are you crying buckets of tears every second?
As a Nigerian, your mother probably already gists you about yet another family friend’s child who’s getting married, but do you really know the many things that go on in her head? What would she write about if she had a secret diary?
I imagine it would look like this:
Sunday
Dear Diary,
The devil really tried me today, but as always, I serve a living God who’ll never allow my enemies to turn me into a laughing stock.
It started with my own children. I woke them up for church at 5 a.m. as usual. Tell me why these children were still brushing their teeth when I came to check on them at 6 a.m.? Why won’t they oversleep when they’ll be pressing phone at night like evil spirits? Upon all the Whuzzup messages I share with them about the dangers of pressing phone at night? Well, I didn’t kill my mother, so they won’t kill me.
That’s how I saw Mama Iyabo in church today. Can you believe this woman sat down in the front row with her long gele, blocking everyone else? She didn’t even wait for women’s meeting after church. She thinks she’s better than everyone, but we all know her son is doing yahoo with that his dada hair. Her daughter nko? That one will be walking up and down the street in pant, abi bum shorts.
Wait o, have those children brought out stew from the freezer? Diary, wait please, I’m coming back.
Monday
Dear Diary,
I saw a video on Whuzzup that really scared me today o. Do you know the government is releasing 5G so they can control us and give everybody gonorrhoea? I’ve forwarded it to everybody I know, even Mama Iyabo. I don’t like her, but everyone deserves to know what’s happening so we can pray for our lives.
I don’t know if my children have downloaded the video because it’s not showing that blue tick that tells you someone has seen your message. In fact, diary, let me call them and make sure they see it. This is a matter of life and death.
Tuesday
Dear Diary,
You know Musa na? My customer who sells onions in the market? I’m thinking of changing him. His mouth has gotten too wide.
Do you know he told me a basket of 40 onions is now ₦5k? Something that I bought for ₦1k four months ago? I sha paid him ₦1,500 for everything. Do I look like someone he can cheat? He was begging me to add something to it, but I don’t pluck money from trees. He should make his gain from another person.
Meanwhile, my son complained of stomach pain today. Maybe he’ll believe me now when I tell him to stop pressing phone.
Wednesday
Dear Diary,
I called my daughter five times before she picked up today. I just think it’s funny how you dedicate nine months of your life, and almost see heaven’s gate during labour, only for your offspring to grow up and either forget you or like their father more.
What if I was dying? I only wanted to ask if she’s eaten today, but still. She even had the mind to say she was busy at work. Too busy for the person who brought you into this world? It is well. At least, I have other children.
Thursday
Dear Diary,
My family keeps testing me. Imagine my husband using his mouth to say, “I have a headache” just this evening. How many times do I need to tell these people that there’s power in the tongue?
That’s how yesterday, someone asked me if I was the last person on the ATM queue. I had to tell him I’ll never be the last in Jesus name. Now, my husband is claiming headache. Why not just put a sign on your head for witches to come and attack you, since you obviously want to die?
Friday
Dear Diary,
I’m rushing to join the vigil at church tonight, but I have to tell you how Mama Iyabo offended me today. I saw her on the road this evening and greeted her. I even asked of her children’s wellbeing. Do you know this woman didn’t ask about my children back?
I always pray for my enemies to reveal themselves. Mama Iyabo is obviously one of them.
I know where to direct my prayers tonight. There’s no peace for the wicked.
The reason why you don’t have a Valentine is because you spend all your time at work, and your social life is in the mud. It doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the festivities, though. Ever thought about making your boss your Valentine? These eight gift ideas are totally appropriate — or not.
Ask them to hold on to your salary
But specify that it’s just your February salary o. You don’t want them thinking you want to start working for the “passion”.
Your life
What says employee loyalty like actually giving your life for your boss? You can even add your blood as bonus, since they’re always asking for it.
Actually do your work
A whole day when you actually do your work without getting lost in TikToks or Twitter? That’s a very valuable gift if you ask me.
A mug
Personalise it so they know how you really feel about them. They’d love it, trust me.
Before you go, “How is this a gift?” hear me out. You already plan to quit via email, so why not do it with a cake on Valentine’s Day? That way, they won’t cry on an empty stomach.
Praise them on LinkedIn
Because saying sweet things about your company or boss on LinkedIn is the corporate version of love letters.
Propose to them
Chances are you’ve already fallen in love with them. Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to take it a notch higher. Ask them to marry you. It’s either they say yes or they fire you. At least, you have a 50% chance of success.
We’re confident about two things, according to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics. The first is Valentine’s Day can be hard when you’re single. The second? Rewatching these iconic K-drama episodes will soften it. Just trust us.
The King: Eternal Monarch: Ep. 11/12
I mean, it’s a movie starring Lee Min-ho as Emperor Lee Gon. Every scene is romantic, but especially that one scene where he gathers all his guards, police, helicopters and citizens of his fictional country, Corea, to save his queen. That might not be your current reality, but watching it will keep your heart racing like it’s happening to you.
From the first episode to the last, this show will have you cheesing, especially if you keep thinking about your ex. But the final episode is one of the very best. Ung returns to Korea to surprise Yeon-su and finally tells her he loves her. You also get to see how all the other sub plots end,what more could you want?
Hospital Playlist 2: Ep. 12
Everyone and their dads can see how badly Ik-jun wanted to be with Chae Song-Hwa in Hospital Playlist 2. He’d already confessed his feelings to her in the first season, and if you have all day, you can rewatch the whole thing from the first season. Or you could go to episode 12 in season 2 and experience how it felt to hear Song-hwa finally confess to him while having coffee in the car in the pouring rain — like they always do. Infact, I’m going to rewatch too.
Vincenzo: Ep. 20
Vincenzo isn’t romance-focused, no one can deny the chemistry between Vincenzo and Hong Cha-young. After all the back-and-forth finally paid off in the finale, when they meet again, he says the iconic line, “See you in Malta”, revealing his location to her. Go and watch it ASAP. What do you need love for when you have K-drama?
Crash Landing on You: Ep. 16
This whole show is like candy for your aching heart. But you see that scene where Se-ri and Captain Ri finally reunite in South Korea? It’s the least heartbreaking. You’ll enjoy the slow motion and soft smiles.
Hometown Cha Cha Cha: Ep. 12
The bucket list episode where Hye-in and Du-sik try to experience everything she’d ever wanted with a romantic partner. It’s cute and silly and so heartwarming, you’ll forget all your problems.
Vagabond: Ep. 13
More thriller than romance, but I live for that one hospital scene where Dal-gun and Hae-ri start to fall in love. He carries her up, and she puts her feet on top of him, almost like they’re dancing. God, when?
Hotel Del Luna: Ep. 16
Who doesn’t love a good “star crossed lovers” drama? Chan-sung and Man-wol went through a lot for a love that could never happen, but at least, they got to share that kiss under the stars in episode 13.
I’m a musician. I’m also an overthinker, constantly analysing things and forming smart or deep. I used to like reading a lot, but that’s changed because I can’t focus on anything for more than five seconds. I must have undiagnosed ADHD. I blame TikTok for reducing my attention span, but will I stop using the app? No.
Will you ever get a proper diagnosis?
I hate going to the hospital and taking drugs, so I won’t get one. I like to give my immune system a chance to fight since that’s what it’s there for. My friend has been trying to get me to get checked for a while now, but I’m just waiting it out and eating vegetables. I don’t want meds to ruin my life. That’s what I do, run away from hospitals and make music. I was in medical lab science. Then I got bored in my finals and had a panic attack, so I quit.
Wait, rewind. How? What did you tell your parents?
They didn’t bring me up. Of course, I lived in their house, but they didn’t have any time for me. I was the last, and I think they were tired of raising kids. They never really made any decision for me.
I created rules and laws for my life. And I always paid the price on my own. One time, I got into big trouble with the police, and I called my dad. He was like, “I didn’t send you there”. It’s messed up sometimes, but I live through it. When you know nobody will be there for you when you fall, you’ll be more careful with your decisions.
I guess their opinion wasn’t necessary when you went into music either?
Nope. It was just me and my best friend, Teddy. He learnt how to produce music and we made my first song together just like that. I was 14 at the time. We later got into uni together at 16. I was in medical lab science, and he was in medicine. We made covers, saved up for studio equipment, rented a room and created a studio in school.
How does a 16-year-old save up for studio equipment?
I had to start making money fast because my pocket money was ₦5k a month. If not, there was only death by starvation at the end of the light. I’ve always been smart and calculative. My dad made sure I understood math, which helped me with money. I also used to do side jobs, like getting paid by real estate agents to broadcast their hostels around school, and I was very popular in school.
What made you popular?
I was popular for being an idiot. Many people liked talking to me because I never took anything too serious. I never had enemies, and I was small and fine, so there was no reason to hate me. I was already loved before I dropped my first cover, so my second cover went viral. It was a cover of Burna Boy’s On the Low in 2018.
When did you start making your own music, and how was it received?
My first song was Sober. I dropped it in January 2020. Back then, I didn’t even have money for the promo, but it did really well. I’d been rapping on my IG for a while, so nobody knew I could sing when I dropped it. People were shocked by my voice. I got a lot of love and support.
How did you come up with your name?
It was a nickname from secondary school. We had five Ellas in my class. There was tomboy Ella, tall Ella, short Ella, and I was the one who created a space in the roof to hide and avoid work. But I wasn’t lazy. I just didn’t like physical work.
How did you get signed?
I got picked by Kimani, the CEO of my company, and it just happened. She was obsessed with my song, Body On Me. Before we started any business talk or whatever, she really just wanted to tell me how much she loved my music. It felt so good.
When I made it, I didn’t like it that much. It was the last song I made on When the Lights Go Off. I made it without a beat, inspired by Burna Boy. Then I gave it to Teddy, and his beat made it so sick. It worked well because Teddy and I are usually in the same headspace. But now, he’s focused on finishing school.
Which of your songs do you actually like?
Deep Into You from my last project, Chemical and Put It On Me. I prefer my music when I’m going extra hard. So if it sounds like anything I might’ve heard before, I don’t feel special listening to it.
Does the company make you create certain types of songs?
Because of the way I was brought up, I don’t handle being controlled well. So it helps that my CEO and I trust each other’s work. We’re always sharing ideas, and we take each other seriously. But sometimes, when they play a beat, you never really know what you’re creating until it’s done and you listen to it again.
I’m still amused a 14-year-old woke up one day and said, “Yeah, let’s do music”. At 14, I was sleeping during night prep
I was in the choir as a child. I’d been into music since I was four or five. My brother would make me try to hit some notes and sing Beyonce’s songs. That boy was 13 to my five, but if I sang the wrong note, he’d slap me. So I picked up rapping instead because I knew he couldn’t rap.
Who were your rap influences?
There was DeJ Loaf, Eminem, Baby Keem and Young Thug. I loved Young Thug. His flows are fire. He’s funny, and I imagine him on Afrobeats sometimes. Outside rap, there’s Koffee, Harry Styles recently and Post Malone.
How about Nigerians? Anyone you want to work with?
Fireboy. We’ve collaborated before, and that was one of my favourite sessions ever. I want a song with Rema. I’m curious how we would sound, but it’s not really my priority to work with anyone. I don’t give a fuck about anything but the listeners and numbers because, obviously, that’s how you know people care about your craft.
It must feel good to have people support your music
Of course I does. I created something, so I like knowing it touched people. I don’t even care if I get awarded for it. I love it when I get texts from my listeners telling me they love my music or they’re thinking of me. I know how I feel when I listen to an artist I love; it’s almost like I’m connected to the artist. So for somebody to fall in love with whatever I created in the past; it always feels so fucking good.
What’s your creative process?
It changes all the time. I’ve been going through this creative block for the past three months. It’s gone now, and I know I’ve become a new person, but I’m still too lazy to record.
I wrote my first song, Sober, without a beat. I was in love then, so the person was giving me rhythm. For the second one, I locked myself up for about a month or two, creating with Teddy. I heard the inspiration for the beat of Chemical by mistake and wrote it in 20 minutes. It was like God gave it to me.
God? Chemical that sounds like sexual tension itself? What were you going through?
That’s crazy because I was in my third month of celibacy when I wrote Chemical. I wanted to put all my pent-up sexual passion in a song. I’m a very sexual person, so if I’m not having sex, the sexual energy has to go somewhere else. If you listen to Put It On Me, you’d hear the sexual tension too.
Interesting. Has anyone ever told you they added Chemical to their sex playlist?
I see titles like “Spread them Cheeks”, “Mine” and “Contraband” on my Spotify for Artists. Just looking through now, I can see its on about 44 playlist on Spotify alone. It’s funny because we were trying to push Hypnotise, but Chemical just sold on its own. My friend, Steph, kept hyping it then people started making videos, and that gave me the ginger to promote it.
Are you currently making money from music?
Well, I’m signed, so I get paid for every project I drop. It’s in thousands of dollars, that’s all I can say.
But what’s the least you’ve made since you started?
I only made about $300 – 400 from Sober. You get paid a certain amount per stream, and Sober did about 100k streams.
How about performing? Do you make any money from it?
I almost never perform. I’ve performed on stage thrice. I don’t really rate it because they’ve not started paying me big money for it yet.
What’s your favourite song to perform?
Right now, Chemical, but before, it was Somebody. They both have a bounce that keeps your waist moving.
Has anyone ever thrown something at you while you were performing?
Jesus, no. I would just cry.
I mean things like their shirts
No, not yet. But I’m performing at Blaqbonez’s show today, so let’s see if someone throws their bra at me when I perform Chemical.
Do you think you’re at the peak of your career?
At all. Sometimes, when you create and don’t get the energy you want, it kills your ginger. But there’s more to come. I’m already thinking of my follow up so people know I’m not a one-hit wonder. It’s all about the rollout. I’m creating content around this song while working on the next because the next song is done already. It’s a different vibe but still as sexy as Chemical. I almost never make the same type of song twice except one is an upgraded version of the other.
And your plan for the coming years?
I don’t know. I’ll let God and the world decide because you can make plans but you can never tell what the results would be. There are plans for some features and joint projects with big producers, but the results of those are all in the hands of God.
Dating an upcoming musician is hell, but you can live with it if they use a stage name. But an upcoming tiktoker? Their face is their brand, so how will you hide your shame? Imagine thinking you’re dating a human being then mid argument, they start dancing and whining their waist? Here are signs to look out for to avoid stories that touch.
They start saying “POV” before sentences
You can ask, “What do you want to do this weekend?” and they’d say, “POV: We go to the club”. Block that person, please. You’re single now.
They take screenshots of “cute” texts between you guys
Do they care that some apps announce screenshots? Absolutely not. Next thing you know, your ex who said you’d never find love is using the screenshot of your current partner telling you, “You sometimes look like the inside of a calabash, but they love you” to do, “This you?”
They’re always trying to teach you a new dance
Do they care that you’re 23 with the bones of a 72-year-old who jumped buses for 50 years? Nope, all they want from you is the validation of those 30 likes, 45 views and one comment.
Or dancing in the middle of an argument
If you had to think about this twice, it’s too late for you.
They do the randomest things to get your reaction
You too deep it. She bought you a post-Valentine’s Day gift? And you think you’re safe?
They share their password with you
No, they don’t trust you. They just don’t have time to cheat. All they want is for you to easily unlock the phone and record their little dancey dance on the main road at a moment’s notice.
Their phone is always charged
Have you ever met a Tiktoker with low phone battery? Exactly. If your partner is always charging their phone, or walking around with those giant power banks, it’s because they’re secretly recording TikTok content. Break up now before it’s too late.
They have two phones
How can anybody afford two phones in this economy? It’s because they need it to record all those “I just woke up” videos. Next thing you know, they’re waking you up every morning by six a.m. to film them.
You’re always getting pranked
At first, it was small things like recording you looking for your follow-come charger. Next thing, it’s you reacting to them cutting the 2k you you paid 500 to withdraw. Then, this upcoming tiktoker is “jokingly” using your certificate to wrap akara.
You don’t remember what hot food tastes like
Why? Because by the time they’ve finished recording videos of the food from all angles, like a poorly made Indian movie, all it tastes like is the money plus 17% tax you spent on it.
They buy a big ring light
Not those cute ones they can just attach to the phone and use at owambes. No, those gigantic ones photographers use to take pictures. If you don’t run, you’ll be the one carrying it around town last last.
They unbox things you know are not new
Before God and man, you know that hair product they just unboxed is empty and has been so for two months. Why would you want to date a liar, aka an upcoming tiktoker on purpose?
If you really deep it, Nigerian bosses and fathers are very alike. They’re both always right, expect you to know what they’re thinking and make the best decisions, or at least, that’s what they like to believe. The point is, they’re unquestionable.
Since your male boss and your father are basically the same people, there’ll be times when you can’t tell the difference between them. And in these eight scenarios, you can actually call your boss “Daddy”.
When you’re dating them
Whether you call them Daddy or Zaddy, same difference.
During morning devotion
If your workplace still does morning devotions in the 21st century, then it’s not out of place to call your oga “daddy”. He might even expect it. It’s giving, “God, bless our daddy today”.
When they ask you to
If you don’t know that some bosses actually order you to call them “daddy” or “uncle”, then you obviously haven’t heard of local government offices.
When you want to spice up a boring workday
So there’s no fuel to turn on the office generator, and everyone is dying of heat. Cracking jokes to lighten the mood is stale. Use the daddy card and see if everywhere won’t come alive. Even if all they do is stare at you in disbelief, alive is alive.
On payday
You’re an African child who’s been brought up to pay respect to your elders. So, how can you receive salary without telling your boss, “Thank you, Daddy”? Fix up.
When you’re tired of capitalism
Every day, you go, “I’m tired of work”, but you never really do anything to stop it. Call your boss “Daddy” today and see if that problem won’t be solved.
When they’re your actual daddy
Especially if you want to remind your colleagues your father owns the whole establishment. They better start kissing up to you if they like employment.
If it’s their name
If Nigerians can give their children names like Godsbattleaxe, what is “Daddy” that’s too much for them?
Barely two months into the year, and the K-pop industry is already counting wins. Here’s a rundown of every exciting record-breaking thing that’s happened so far. What did we miss?
BLACKPINK is the first Asian act to headline Coachella
BLACKPINK made history in 2019 as the festival’s first female K-pop performers, an indication that a tide was shifting and interest in K-pop was skyrocketing in the west. Now, they’ve been welcomed back. This time, as headliners.
7 out of the 10 bestselling albums in the US
According to a year-end analysis released by Luminate and Billboard last week, seven out of the 10 best-selling CD albums in the United States in 2022 were by K-pop artists — BTS, Tomorrow X Together, Stray Kids, TWICE, Stray Kids, Enhypen and NCT 127. BTS’s Proof was number one, of course.
Pachinko wins critics choice award for best foreign language series
Late actor, Kang’s final movie tops Netflix’s global film charts
Jung E starring the late actress, Kang Soo-yeon in her final performance, topped Netflix’s global list for four days in a row.
TWICE is the first Korean winner of Billboard Women in Music Award
TWICE, a K-pop girl group, is the first Korean act to receive a Billboard Women in Music Award. The awards recognise the most influential female musicians, creators, producers and executives in the music business in a particular year. TWICE was named Breakthrough Artist on January 30.
BIGBANG’s Taeyang and BTS’s Jimin’s new digital single
VIBE was released on the 13th of January by singers from two different generations of K-pop. Any true stan will know how much of a big deal this is.
TXT announces ACT: SWEET MIRAGE world tour
A comeback and a tour; TXT is keeping their fans fed this year. On Tuesday (January 17), BIGHIT announced the countries they’ll tour in the first leg. Africa wasn’t included, but “more to come” was, so maybe there’s hope?
Lee Young Ji wins Show Me The Money
Yongi is the first woman to win the contest and went home with over ₩100 million ($80k or ₦36.5 million). Former winners of the show are Punchnello, Bobby of iKON and LOCO.
Since she gained popularity in 2019 with her song, Try Me, Tems has been unstoppable. We’ve deduced that not only is she talented and hardworking, but her soap is also STRONG. So if you want to be unstoppable like Tems, here’s how you can collect her soap.
Disguise as her soap case
Witchcraft has come a long way. Once upon a time, you could only poison people. Now, you can be anything you want. So join a coven, perfect the tricks of the craft, disguise yourself as Tems’ soap case and just swallow the soap.
Appear to her in a dream
Sync your sleep with Tems’, so you can move from your dream to hers. When you get there, tell her how you’ve come from many dreams ago just to tell her to give you her soap.
Tell her you had a dream
If you can’t enter her own dream, you can have yours. Tell her something revealed to you that she has to give you the soap she’s using or else crazy things will truly start happening.
It’s not like you have Temilade money, but you can try.
Trade by barter
Offer her fuel and new naira notes. If she doesn’t collect, you can give us. We’ll help you beg her.
Beg
Humble yourself and calmly ask for the soap. The highest she can say is no. Well, actually, the highest she can get you arrested, but prison can be a positive thing.
Since Tems might not give you directly, maybe you can go through her friend, Beyoncé. How you’ll do that one is really not our problem, but good luck.
Carry signboard the next time she’s performing
Pay for a front-row ticket to her next performance, and carry a signboard asking for the soap. She just might give you because she’s in high-performing spirits.
Become her pet
Your village people who turn into cats have been preparing you for this moment. The moment you transform into her favourite animal, just stay in front of her house. Trust us.
From having no money in ATMs, to failed transactions and double debits, we think the banking sector in Nigeria should just close up. They’ve had a good run. But to avoid a rise in unemployment, the banks should consider these other business paths.
Apartment complexes
Nigeria has a housing crisis so they should be useful and turn their buildings into apartment complexes. With the amount of branches in several locations, these banks have the power to solve the housing problem for good.
Selling akara
Sources reaching us is that the akara business is very lucrative. If banks don’t want to be useful, they can at least provide nourishment to people. Let them shame the enemies that say they’re completely useless.
Since they take forever to reverse transactions and unlawful debits, they should learn what it’s like to pursue someone that’s owing them money.
Fashion houses
With all the things tailors and fashion designers have put Nigerians through, the banks should feel right at home. They can move from giving us one shege to another less important shege.
Some banks forgot people don’t care for aesthetics when it comes to their money. Their buildings are so spacious and bright, it’s like they didn’t know what they line of business they were in. But with all the weddings happening every other day, they’ll cash out.
Community centres
We don’t have a lot of community centres where children and young people can just hang out, pick up new skills and make friends. Imagine if the banks became community centres?
Restaurants
Nigerians will never get tired of restaurants. There can be 15 on a street, and they’ll all be booked and busy. If all the banks in Nigeria became restaurants, they won’t lack customers.
Internet service providers
Maybe if the two combine their rubbish behaviour, we can get one decent product out of them. Plus, internet service providers do a bit better and are harder to do with out.
My name is Tega. I’m a musician who recently starred in the Netflix drama, All Na Vibes. I moved to Ibadan when I was nine. I moved around a lot because my parents were clergy people. And yes, I turned out the way you’d expect a pastor’s kid to: free, happy and living with nature. I like eating, playing games and watching squirrels walk around.
Mobolaji Johnson 2022
When did you start making music?
I started early. As a kid, I used to make choruses for my brother for fun. I was a big fan of Eminem and used to rap all his lyrics, even the ones I couldn’t hear. Back then, the only way to get lyrics was to wait ten minutes for the A-Z lyrics to load, or you listen, pause and write down each line on paper. The second process subconsciously helped me understand the way lyrics are put together, the syntax of a song.
Down the line, I tried to be a petroleum engineer then a computer scientist because I wanted to make money. You know you just want to make money when you’re a kid.
Isn’t Nigeria just catching up on the money-making side of computer science?
Yeah, that’s the cool thing. I got in early. I really liked computers and programming. At 15, I’d already imagined having my own tech company. I had this book where I drew and designed the uniforms my company staff would wear. I was also a big fan of Steve Jobs.
But then?
You know music. It comes out and tells you to say goodbye to all your other dreams. I started singing covers and posting on social media when I was in secondary school. Then I quit university in 2017. I was 17 and attending Federal University of Petroleum Resources, Delta State. I only stayed there two weeks before I left for Ibadan to stay with my brother who was at the UI, studying theatre and performing arts. I applied there and got admitted, but I didn’t accept the admission because I wanted to focus on music.
It was around that time I got a gig to play at Freedom Park, Lagos. Someone had gone through my Instagram and loved my covers. I was 18. It made me realise I really wanted to make a name for myself doing music on the road like the artists I admired. Fun fact: the road is bad; it’s full of traffic and potholes.
What did you do while you were at UI though?
I started performing. I even busked in public places for voluntary donations. People gathered, and some said I sounded so well. My best experience was playing my guitar somewhere around the student union building, when an old lady, one of the cooks, came out and was like, “I thought it was the radio.”
Were your parents okay with you quitting school?
When I quit the first time, it was to enrol in UI, so my parents were kinda cool with it. When I didn’t end up attending UI, it was strange because I thought they’d say no. In fact, I was willing to fight them. I already had my speech planned. But they just asked, “Is that what you want to do?” I said yes. They said, ok. I was a bit pissed by their response. It was almost like they didn’t give a fuck.
Now, I’m doing a music diploma, a songwriting thing in London. I’ll be back in Nigeria in September and probably get more juicy gigs.
In All Na Vibes, your character said he didn’t want to make dance music, but music his parents would be proud of. Can you relate to that?
Oh, that was just the director and the producer. It felt weird when they brought up that line because I don’t actually care about that. But I made it sound convincing.
Since you started making music full time, what has the journey been like?
It’s been insane. It started with that gig in Lagos. Mind you, I wasn’t even paid for it. I was young, so I didn’t really care. I thought it was just one of many, and that others would pay. But the industry doesn’t work that way. If you keep dishing out free gigs, you’ll keep getting free gigs. The older I got, the more I started to feel insane like I was wasting my time. The industry is fraught with people who want to take advantage of you, trying to get you to sign shitty contracts. I never did sign anything. I even got into a big fight with a guy who wanted to be my manager. I went from a scared, stressed-out kid to realising the industry is hectic, but it’s business.
But I did many things on the way, like starting a doughnut business with my brother in 2019. Before Krispy Kreme came to Nigeria, we attempted something like It in Ibadan, which I’m very proud of. I left the business because my music started doing fine.
Sounds like the industry showed you shege
There were moments when I felt like I’m almost there, I’m about to blow, like when I opened for Johnny Drille in 2019. That was the biggest crowd I’d ever played for. I thought all the hard work was just about to pay off, but the moment passed. That was when I understood I needed to have a plan and just stick to it, not caring when the big break would come but just enjoying the process.
I’m building something, and everything I do adds to the things I’ve already done. I’ve also since realised people love sincerity. People like to feel seen and heard when they listen to music, which is what I’ve been trying to do with mine. You’re telling people stories, so the least you can do is tell people what matters.
What does “blowing” mean to you?
I used to say I wanted to be famous, but now, I don’t even know. What a lot of artists struggle with when they become famous is maintaining a connection with fans on a personal level. Even a little fame would make you unable to respond to most of the feedback you get from fans. For me, blowing up is a long-run thing. It’s not about making one viral song. It’s about building something that inspires and outlives you, a legacy.
How did you go from putting all your eggs in your music career to being the lead character in All Na Vibes?
It was random. Remember I mentioned my brother studied theatre arts? He started a theatre group with a vision to change the industry. I cameoed as a random musician in one of the group director’s movies in Ibadan. He called me later, during COVID, and asked if I’d like to be in a movie. I wasn’t doing anything besides learning to produce music, so I said, let’s do this. I thought it’d just be a Youtube thing. I really don’t know what gave them the idea that I’d be good, but they trusted me with their project. Now, I’m a Netflix actor.
Will you continue acting, or is it a one-time thing?
I can’t really say. I’m not sure. I’m so nervous that I haven’t even seen All Na Vibes. I tried to watch the movie the night it came out, but as soon as I saw my face, I shut down the computer. First of all, I go very hard on myself, which I think I need to do less because, you know, everyone is allowed to grow. There’s that, and there’s the thing about other actors confirming that they also feel uncomfortable watching themselves in movies.
How alike are you and Abiola, the character you played?
He believes in a lot of conspiracy theories, and I wouldn’t say I believe them too, but I like asking many questions. You’ll find me in a wormhole of books, Wikipedia pages and Youtube, researching one topic because I want to know the truth. We’re quite alike in a lot of other things. We both make music. We’re chill people. He doesn’t have my charm, but he’s calmer. We’re different creatures at the core.
In the spirit of talking about conspiracies, do you have a super controversial take on music?
I feel like music you can download and play on your phone could and should be free. People should pay if they want to, but it should be available at zero cost. Many of the songs that inspired me when I was a kid, I don’t remember how I got them. They came to my phone by the power of the almighty. People shouldn’t be denied the chance to listen to music because they can’t pay for it. Digital music should be free.
Then how would you get paid as a musician?
You perform. There are a lot of other ways to make money from your music. If you go to my website, all my songs are there and downloadable for free. It’s how it’s always going to be unless I get signed to a label that controls everything, which I don’t want to do. Music should be free.
Mobolaji Johnson 2022
Interesting. Who do you make music for?
I write for people who are going through it, people who sometimes sit down to evaluate their life then feel grateful or pissed off about it. Basically, people who are aware of their humanity.
When I’m going through something, I make music to explain myself to myself. The emotions get so heavy that the only way to get them off my chest would be to write about them. For some people, when they feel something, they go punch a wall. For me, I just write, even if I never release the music. I might eventually make money from it, and people may feel so connected that they’d be willing to pay for it, but in the beginning, I write to explain myself.
Do you have a favourite song you’ve written?
I have many. But one of my favourites is To Be Missed, a song I did for All Na Vibes. The whole concept is me realising in 2018 or 2019 that we’re all designed to want to be remembered, especially when we’re not in a place anymore. It’s okay to feel a bit lost, or like someone who wanted you before doesn’t anymore. It’s human nature to feel that way.
It sounds like a heartbreak song. How many have you written when you were heartbroken?
Between 2018 and 2020, almost all the songs I wrote were about heartbreak, and I wrote many good songs then. Most musicians would agree that some of the best songs have come from heartbreak.
What are your fave heartbreak songs you didn’t write?
Sunburn by Ed Sheeran. I wish I was the one who wrote it. I likeLast Last. That’s a proper sad song. And you can make it even sadder if you sing it acoustically. But it’s a vibe. You know Nigerians will always make it a vibe, even if it’s sad.
Who or what influences your music?
Two of my biggest influences are Ed Sheeran and Passenger. But in recent times, it’s been places. The more time I spend in Ibadan, the more I fall in love with the place. I interact with it in a way that it starts to feel like a person and begins to inspire me. Nigeria inspired me to make angry songs like Gossip, from my old EP.
What does it feel like performing on stage to an audience holding on to every word?
No matter how many times it happens — though it doesn’t happen many times — it makes me feel like the world should just end. It’s just so consuming, it kind of makes you feel small. Or maybe it’s just me wanting to feel small in that moment. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s beautiful. I just want to embrace the moment and live in it in a way that’s not intrusive, and I can’t get too used to it so that it continues to feel special every time.
What’s the least or most you’ve been paid, whether in music or acting?
Today’s prices are not really like 2022’s. Last year it was in six digits. And I may not play in any show until September, when I’m back in Nigeria.
How fulfilled do you feel?
Very fulfilled. I’ve learnt to abide in everything I do, however great or small. I used to compare myself with others, but I have learnt that it doesn’t matter. Right now, I feel very fulfilled, doing exactly what I want and how I want it. I write and perform music, get paid for it, and I have songs people listen to. My 16-year-old self would be mindblown. I think that’s enough fulfilment for me.
What sort of legacy do you want to create?
Make albums of the highest quality. Do concept projects. I have onee coming out that I’ve been working on for a long time now. It’ll be out when I return to Nigeria. I don’t want it to be a collection of random stuff. There are stories behind it, and everything just works together to create this really cool, sweetcake album.
I also want to work on the performance scene in Lagos and Ibadan. One of my dreams is to have it more structured and easier for artists coming after me to find places to perform. Right now, I’m focused on putting out quality projects and collaborating with artists. When I return, I want to work with more people even outside my space.
Which Nigerian artists would you like to work with?
Lagbaja. Asa — she’s been at the top of my list since I was a kid. 2Baba, interestingly. His music isn’t the same again, but I plan to tap into 2Face of the 2000s. I want to work with Obongjayar too.
What are the struggles you face as an artist?
Making music regularly while always being online. It’s a lot to juggle as an artist.
What are you currently working on?
An EP, which will be out soon. Expect a minimum of four songs.
There comes a time in a sugar baby’s life when they realise they need to settle down and get married… to someone their age. Since weddings are expensive, and you don’t have the funds, here’s how to convince your sugar mummy to pay for everything.
Make her the chief bridesmaid
She’ll have a sense of duty to the event, and her purse will overflow. Plus, if she’s playing such a big role in the wedding, her rich friends would come too, and that means more money for you.
You had a dream
Tell her you had a dream her life changed for the better after she sponsored your wedding. You can say you asked her for it as a favour, and when she refused, God used the bitterness in your heart to punish her. Nothing too extreme. Just say enough for her to agree to finance your entire wedding.
You know how education keeps evolving? Well, your school gave you an assignment to throw a successful wedding plus reception. Tell her you’ll fail and drop out if she doesn’t finance it. If you’re not in school, you’re taking a new online course.
Her marriage inspired you
Not all sugar mummies are married, but if yours happens to be, then use it to your advantage. Her marriage is an inspiration and you want to know what marital bliss feels like. Sure, she’s cheating, but that doesn’t mean her marriage isn’t great.
If she’s not married, marry her
The easiest way to get her to pay for your wedding is by making her the bride. Do you think she’ll let her wedding be done anyhow? Of course not. Wedding of the century.
She’ll have no choice but to finance the entire wedding. It’s called strategic positioning.
Remind her that her reputation is at stake
People already associate you with her, so if you have a rubbish wedding, it’ll reflect poorly on her. There’ll be rumours about how she’s going broke and society will shun her. If your wedding isn’t grand, she might as well vanish from society.
Work overtime
Approach it from a business perspective. Show her a plan on how you’ll use your body to repay your debt. Work smarter, not harder.
Sit with your feelings for a total of five seconds
After going bankrupt outside, return to your house and sit in silence for five seconds. Don’t even think about what’s happening. Just count down in your head.
Listen to sad girl music
You might want to expel some negative emotion via your tear ducts or sweat glands. So listen to some sad girl music, lay in bed and weep, or quickly dash to the nearest filling station and back. You might not feel better, but you might find fuel.
Play dress up
You’ve already spent all your money on a new wardrobe, might as well treat yourself and try everything on.
Paint your face
Whether it’s with permanent marker, poster colour or actual makeup, sha paint your face and become the clown Nigeria thinks you are.
Go back to bed
If nothing works, just go back to bed. You can’t be sad in your dreams, can you?
The question on everyone’s mind when they’re getting their pictures taken is, “What should I do with my hands?” Never fear, best in photography and posing activities, Zikoko, is here to save the day.
Put your hands on your head
This way, your hands aren’t only occupied, but you’ll look like what you’re going through. Let everyone see the picture and know the case is critical and you need help.
Make the sign of the cross
You have to protect yourself from all your village people. Who knows which evil spirit or eyes are looking at your picture? The sign will ward off the bad energy.
Do as if you’re praying
Put your hands together in front of you. It’s so God doesn’t harshly judge the souls of those who’ll commit sin in their hearts once they see your pictures.
Put your hands on your waist
Remember when we used to put our hands on our waist to take pictures as children? Well, maybe it’s time we brought it back. You’ll reconnect with your inner child and keep your hands busy.
Pull your ears
Not only does this prove you’re invested in finally hearing word, but it gives your face a unique structure.
Channel your inner Nollywood bad gyal and bite your finger. If it doesn’t feel good enough, bite the whole hand. Don’t let anyone stop you from living your best life.
Plug your ears
You won’t hear anything the haters say about your drip.
Leave them by your side
Instead of thinking of which poses will work well with your outfit, lighting and angles, just leave the hands by your side. It’s a little serious, but it’ll never go out of style.
Working from home is cool and all, but sometimes, you get tired of staring at the four walls of your house every day. To add a little spice to your work life, try working from any of these locations instead.
The beach
Sometimes, work makes you doubt why you’re alive. So go to the beach and observe the ocean and sunset. It’ll remind you there’s more to life than work, and you have things to live for.
Bukka
The bukka not only provides a change of scenery but a change of smell too. Aren’t you tired of smelling yourself 24/7? Try hot amala, jollof rice and sweat. Sure, you might also add a little weight, but all of that won’t matter in heaven.
When your manager sends you a foolish message, you can just mute your laptop and put their name on the altar. Fire for fire.
Forest
If you always feel sleepy because you’re working from home, this would cure it. Between killing mosquitoes and watching for wild animal that want to eat you, you’ll be very alert.
Interview With… is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the weird and interesting lives of inanimate objects and non-human entities.
Zikoko is on a queue, waiting for their turn to pick up their PVC when they start hearing voices.
Unknown voice: Zikoko!
Zikoko: Who’s calling my name?
Unknown voice: Zikoko!
Zikoko: (looking up) Father, father, speak, for your servant is listening.
Unknown voice: Look down, you idiot.
Zikoko: Satan? I know I’ve done some questionable things, but ah ah?
Unknown voice: It’s not Satan. It’s me, PVC.
Zikoko looks down and notices a card on the floor. They pick it up, and it’s someone’s PVC.
Zikoko: What’re you doing on the floor?
PVC: I fell from someone’s pocket.
Zikoko: How do you know who I am?
PVC: You cause chaos in the human world, you cause confusion in the land of objects. Who doesn’t know you?
Zikoko: We don’t want Meffy to know us please….
PVC: I think we should focus on my solvable problems. I tried reaching out to you last week, but I couldn’t get to you. I think meeting your right now is an act of divine intervention.
Zikoko: Yeah, sorry about last week. I briefly got kidnapped, but I’m okay. What’d you want to talk to me about?
PVC: Once again, thank you for the opportunity. I’m here because there’s fire on the mountain. Plenty of fire, and it’s hot.
Zikoko: What’s burning?
PVC: There’s no other way to explain it. Do you know what’s happening on the 31st?
Zikoko: Some people’s salary day?
PVC: Yes, but also, it’s the deadline for picking up PVCs.
Zikoko: Yeah, I’m aware, every Nigerian is aware. Is that why you’re looking for me?
PVC: Yes and also, no. Do you have siblings Zikoko?
Zikoko: Yes, one
PVC: I have millions, scattered across Nigeria. If people don’t collect their PVCs, we’ll all be stuck together in offices that barely have light. Do you know how much they’re selling fuel now? Since there’s no light, there’s heat. All till the next election.
Do you know what it’s like living in a room with hundreds of your siblings, tied together with rubber bands so tight you can’t even try to stretch your legs? No privacy whatsoever.
Zikoko: What do you need privacy for?
PVC: PVCNGF?
Zikoko: What does that even mean?
PVC: PVC no go fuc—
Zikoko: Please, it’s enough.*scratches head* They don’t pay me enough for this.
PVC: What do you think we do in your houses four years when we’re waiting for the next election?
Zikoko: Reading, learning how to become a passport or ID card, lying down and waiting for the election you were created for…
PVC: Have you yourself done the things you were created for in the last four years?
Zikoko: Who is the interviewer here? Maybe you want to add interviewing to the things you’ll do for the next four years.
PVC: Zikoko, calm down. We don’t have to resort to violence. My siblings and I need to escape those conditions. We’re desperate.
Zikoko: What will help you escape?
PVC: We need people who haven’t gone to look for their PVC to go look for it.
Zikoko: But that doesn’t mean they’ll find it.
PVC: Yes, we know people are trying and it’s difficult. We just want to make sure everyone is doing it — let’s have a chance to escape four years of stagnant offices at least.
Zikoko: Get your PVC. Choose pregnancy over stagnancy…
PVC: Sigh. I don’t know how you have rights.
But look, what I’m saying is that I know it’s not easy asking you to suffer for my sake, but abeg, try. We are nothing but beans, waiting to be picked.
Zikoko: What does that even— –
Zikoko is cut off by an announcement
Announcer: Please, a person is looking for their PVC. If you found any PVC, can you let us know.
Zikoko: I think it’s your owner looking for you.
PVC: Yeah, I think so too. When you pick yours up, tell my sibling I passed the message along.
I’m Chinaza. I’m 25, and I’m a content creator. I make short Nollywood skits where I play myself and a very realistic male character. I pretty much stay in my house all day, shooting. If I’m not shooting, I’m editing, gaming or sleeping. I’m the worst person to ask what their favourite food is. So long as it tastes nice, I’ll eat it. As for colours, I love black. But I also like blue and purple. I feel like life’s too short to be restricted to certain things. Whatever feels, looks or tastes nice, just go with it.
Gaming? What do you play?
God of War, Call of Duty, The Last of Us and Red Dead Redemption. I play anything but soccer. I don’t see the point. You just keep kicking the ball around; I’ve never understood it.
The question boggling my mind about your skits is how… how do you have so much chemistry with yourself?
First of all, I’m androgynous. Growing up, I was the only child, and my parents were very protective of me. I wasn’t allowed to go out, much less make friends. They were very sceptical, so I spent a lot of time in my own company, watching people. As a child, I never leaned toward any gender completely. If I bring out my childhood pictures, you’d mistake me in some of them for my brother. When I did make friends, they were boys.
Have you named the male version of yourself?
No, I haven’t. But I’m planning to.
When you walk in on me shooting, it’s a different person. I’ve actually shot with people, and the moment I finished dressing up, they’d be like, “Wow! There’s a change around here.” I don’t know how it happens.
You’re really committed. You wear a bodysuit and even cut your hair
In 2020, I went the whole year without doing anything to my hair. I didn’t make it. I didn’t care for it. I just ended up looking like I had rats running through it. I realised that since I play a male character, keeping a low cut would make it easier.
You’re right, I’m committed. Becoming that character is a sort of escapism. I feel like a whole new person. There’s this feeling, this aura. I get to be two different people.
You make it look so easy. What’s your content creation story?
I’ve just been coasting through life. I grew up in the east, Anambra. As a child, I wanted to be an actor. I was 15 and in university when I started to reach out to producers and directors. You can count only a handful of Asaba directors or producers I don’t know or haven’t met. I met a whole lot of them, and at the end of the day, they were all asking for the same thing.
Oh no. You were just a baby
Oh yes. And they didn’t care.
There was this guy — he was quite popular, and I don’t want to name names. He gave me a script to read so I could hone my scriptwriting skill, then asked me to see him at a hotel. He’s been in the game since the early Nollywood days. That’s how old he was. He tried to kiss me, but I resisted. I was like, “Hello. When did we go from reading scripts to kissing?” He smiled and asked how old I was. I said 15. He smiled again and said, “You’re young. Everything you’ve done and have yet to do has been forgiven”. I gave him back his script and left. He said he’d reach out to me but never did. He stopped picking my calls. But at least, that one took my no for no.
This other director told me everybody pays their dues in the industry because I said I believed my talent and God would take me to wherever I wanted to be. He told me that what I was saying was laughable because, before Lucifer’s fall, he was the chief angel of entertainment. And after he was cast out, God didn’t take that power from him. The entertainment industry is governed by Lucifer, so my God and I can fuck off.
That’s a lot. You were a kid. Were your parents aware?
The incident that made them know was really nasty, and I still can’t talk about it. I’ve always been very curious and independent. When I want something, I go for it. There was even a time I went to Enugu to see Pete Edochie, unplanned.
Omo? You’re bold oh
I got to Enugu and started asking people on the streets for his address. It was crazy. Somehow, I located his house. I waited for some time before he came down. I told him I wanted to act and had been trying for some time. He asked me how old I was. I told him I was 15 and in my first year of university. He scolded me and told me not to rush. I should go back and focus on school. I won’t say I listened, but I had a nasty experience that eventually made me stop. That was the last straw.
Around that time, skit-making was becoming popular, so my friends were like, “All these people are doing these skits from their homes.” I wanted to act, but who would watch me? But I eventually shot a video, posted it, and people liked it. This was around 2015. I started fully in 2017, so I’ve been at it for six years now. The growth was exponential. My creations were Nollywood-based. I migrated from Instagram to TikTok in November 2021.
When did you have your first viral video?
I posted grace to grass stories, “Nollywood Movies Be Like” and more. One day, I checked my phone and saw +100 followers and +100 notifications. Tunde Ednut and Don Jazzy had reposted one of my videos. It was everywhere.
There was also this competition Larry Gaga hosted. At the time, I wanted a new workstation, which cost ₦1.5 million, so I needed all the money I could get. That was the first time I posted on TikTok with intention, and I got 500 views. I won the competition and I think that was my second viral post.
What was the first Nollywood movie you saw that made you want to make Nollywood skits?
For someone who makes short Nollywood skits, you’d think I watch many of them. I didn’t watch television because of my strict parents. I started watching Nollywood movies, and none really stood out for me. I just found it easy to spot the cliches. I don’t reference any movies; I just stitch up words and cliches I have heard Nollywood characters use, and I run with them.
Did you study something related to your content creation?
I studied English because my dad wouldn’t let me do Theatre Arts. I don’t write scripts except when a client specifically asks for it. Most of my acting is by impulse. I don’t think about them; I just know what I’m going for and how it should come out.
What’s your dream cast and plot?
I have a story in my head. I don’t have the capacity for it now, but one day, I will. I hope Pete Edochie will still be alive by then because I need him in it. So there’s him, Blossom Chukwujekwu, Stan Nze, Jimmy Odukoya. It’ll be an epic movie.
If you don’t watch a lot of Nollywood movies, why did you pick this form of creative expression?
I stuck to Nollywood because I started taking TikTok much more seriously. The post I made for the competition was Nollywood cliche-themed. Because it did well, I made another one, which did even more numbers. The content transcended my regular audience. People from China, who’d never heard of Nollywood, were asking for more. And the slap-stick industry was becoming saturated. I’m not even good at it; it doesn’t come naturally to me. I just wanted something different. The moment I left the slap-stick comedy niche, I lost some of my audience. But when people look at my work, I want them to see the effort and thought that went into it. I just needed something special.
You do good work
I give my character’s backstories. I try to get into their mind. Who is this character? A lover boy? A wicked prince? I know how the character walks and talks. The moment I have all that in my head, I’m that person. For instance, the very clear difference between my male and female characters is that I suddenly take up more physical space when I’m the male character. The way I walk and speak is different.
How much time and money goes into making one video?
It takes more time and effort than money. I could manoeuvre my screen the way I want, and I already have a wardrobe full of costumes. There was one video I spent more than ₦100k to make. It was about the different tribes in Nigeria, so I had to get the different costumes. And I can spend up to a week making a video. When I say a week, I mean several hours back-to-back.
What does a typical day of creating content look like?
I usually sleep from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. When I wake up, I eat my breakfast, lunch and dinner all in one. I like setting up my shoot at 11 p.m., and depending on what I’m working on, I may be at it till 10 a.m. Then I sleep and wake up again around 5 p.m. to continue. It has altered my circadian rhythm because even when I take breaks, even when I am not working, I find myself sleeping through the day and being up at night.
What are your rates like?
I charge brands from ₦500k to ₦700k for ads. It’s efficient. I’m not as poor as my enemies think I am, but I’m also not as rich as some people think.
What would you being rich look like?
Being rich would entail waking up one morning and impulsively booking a flight to Paris to get ice cream and come back. I make enough to put food on my table and satisfy my basic needs, but I can’t go on a spending spree or splurge money the way I would want. My income isn’t consistent, so I have to make do, and plan ahead, even though it’s hard. There are some months I eat really well; I’d have like three clients I’m creating for. Then I could go three months without a client.
How many videos do you think you’ve created?
I don’t keep count. One thing about me is once I’ve created and posted a video, it’s gone. When I do visit them again, I’m usually like, I should’ve done better.
Who or what influences you?
Kunle Afolayan, Jade Osiberu, Charles of Play — he has a lot of money to pursue his dreams, and he pursues them. Art should be all about pure passion, but unfortunately, that will get you only so far. In the real world, you need more than that. You need flamboyance, exposure and connection. If you want to make it purely on passion, make peace with the fact that you won’t achieve your full potential. You need money, you need to know people to push your art, no matter how good it is.
What do you do when you’re not creating?
Sleep. I close my eyes and sleep. And sometimes, I game. I’ve also made a promise to myself to go out a bit more and meet people. Since I shot that video for the TikTok competition, I don’t think I’ve left my house more than 20 times. I just shoot and post. In 2023, I’ll go out more and maybe find love.
What’s the most annoying thing about your work?
When I decide to try something different once in a while, people will be like, ”No, no. This isn’t why we’re here.” And I’m like, “Shut the fuck up”. Or when you offer your two cents about a concerning issue, I’ll hear, “You better focus on your comedy.” It’s annoying.
What sort of impact do you want to make in the industry within the next couple of years?
I have a dream of owning a film school one day. I don’t even know how to go about that, but I’d like to see actors with more skills in the industry. When you watch a good movie, you watch an actor become the character they’re playing. It feels like they’re in their house in that movie. It feels real. You can see the connection. But when you watch a movie, and it feels like the home is from Airbnb, I want that to change.
Do you feel fulfilled yet, though?
I could be doing more. There are days when I feel fulfilled, and there are other days I just don’t know. I try to tell people, and they don’t understand.
Do you struggle with imposter syndrome?
All the time. I know I dey try, but when people post my work, I’m like, are you gassing me up? I feel my own audience may be lying to me, so what I do when different accounts share my work is I go through the comments. Because I feel I would see the truth there, from complete strangers who’d rate my work without sentiments. Most times, though, it’s the same praise.
Do you remember how long you’ve had a “dream job”? How did anybody ever convince you to dream of labour? Capitalism is to blame.
Here are some other things capitalism has scammed you into believing.
That interviews are a good thing
First of all, why are you auditioning for hard labour and feeling bad when you get rejections? Do you like pain? It’s giving BDSM.
“The harder you work, the more money you make”
Just take a look at your paycheck and that of a politician. You’ll see that capitalism is a bandit. The easiest way to get rich is to be born rich. The next best way is to marry a rich person. The rest is just capitalism trying to swindle you.
“Follow your passion, and money will come”
My passion is sleeping because why am I still a mechanic? Make it make sense.
Dream jobs
This one’s obviously a lie to lure us back to the plantations because why are you dreaming of labour?
“Learning never ends”
Of course, I’ll keep learning after spending ten hours at work screaming, “Can you see my screen?” and an extra two hours in traffic to and from work every day. I’ll definitely keep learning.
“Your network is your net worth”
Just prepare your heart for aggressive airing from all angles. They will snub you so much, you’ll think you’re a ghost.
Weekends
When was the last time you actually rested on a weekend? Just think about it. It’s all a scam.
So you think you’ve dropped out of the heavenly race because of too much sin, and you just can’t change your ways. Don’t be sad. Here are some things about hell that’ll cheer you up.
It’s not Nigeria
The relief of being free from the shege Nigeria keeps throwing at you should be enough to make you appreciate a new scenery, even if it’s hell.
But you’ll see Lagos babes
With all the havoc they’ve wreaked on earth, you’ll definitely meet Lagos babes in hell, right next to the Yoruba demons. So just know you’re in for a fun time.
Your favourite artists will be there
There’s no gbedu in heaven, so if you know you still want to turn up in the after life, don’t worry yourself. According to every pastor ever, all your favourite artists will be in hell anyway. You’ll start to wonder if you even need heaven in the first place.
It probably won’t be hot for long
Some people will do ITK about God’s existence and land in hell for it. Einstein will probably be there with you, so tell me how y’all won’t figure out how to reduce the temperature. It won’t be hot for long. You’ll see.
You can get square with Nigerian politicians
The people who said snake swallowed money will be in hell too, take it from us. If you’ve wanted to throw hands, you’ll finally get your chance.
…and service providers
Think about the satisfaction of finally getting your pound of flesh from network providers and banks.
More fornication
If you love fornicating, you get a free pass with people like you for eternity. What’s the worst that could happen? You’ll go to hell again? You’re already there.
What do you want to do in heaven sef?
You’ll be bored out of your mind if you make heaven. You already know chaos is your default setting, so there’s really no need to fight it.
I’m Bamise. I was born and bred in Lagos; Bariga, to be precise. I was literally born in the house I live in. On my street, they call me ‘Burna girl’. I think that’s because of my fashion style. Today, I almost had a food coma from pounded yam, and I’m a Capricorn.
Food coma? Wow. How would you describe what you do?
I actually do a bunch of things. I’ve gotten tired of saying I’m a writer when there’s more to it. So I sat down and decided “creative industry entrepreneur” is the best way to describe myself. For the most part, I just sell my ideas.
What’s the best idea you’ve sold so far?
The articles I wrote for NotJustOk. I’ve had some really standout ones. In 2020, I did a listicle titled “Seyi Vibez, Bella Shmurda and Other Street Pop Artists You Should Know”. While everyone else was unsure of Wizkid’s Made in Lagos, it was one of the few projects I ever reviewed. I wrote that it was a really good album and a perfection of his career output so far.
One of the coolest things you do is your “Fit check” videos
For the longest time, I’ve felt that while I’m not rich in wealth, I’m rich in friends. People who know me just know I like fashion, so they end up giving me stuff. Like right now, I’m wearing a pair of white shades my colleague gave me for Secret Santa. People helped build my wardrobe, and I’m always conscious of that because I remember where I got everything from. My love language is getting fly shit. When I get dressed sometimes, I realise the only thing I bought with my money was my underwear, or something crazy like that.
Are any of your fashion items more special or sentimental than the rest?
I also have a pair of pink crocs I named “Flacko” after ASAP Rocky, ‘cause in A$AP Mob’s Yamborghini High video, he wore this pink bathrobe. It made me realise pink is such a cool colour, and ever since then, I’ve been a big fan of pink. Flacko has been my ride-or-die since 300 level. They were actually famous in UI because when you see pink crocs, you know it’s for Bamy. I always used to post them and just wear them everywhere. I don’t wear the crocs now though; they’re just somewhere in the house.
Well, I think crocs are supreme. So you know what, I get it
Thank you.
What are some basics you think everyone should have in their wardrobe, as somebody who doesn’t actually get half of their stuff themself?
I’m starting to get stuff myself. I’ve been thrifting a lot since 2022 to build a wardrobe that feels like me.
I want to say cargo pants, but I don’t know if there’s an age limit to this. I’ll say denim jackets because they fly and pair well with literally anything. If you’re like me and you get cold easily then, denim jackets and Oxford shirts. If you’re at a party, denim jackets might be a bit heavy, so an Oxford shirt because you can tie them around your waist and wear them later when you feel a bit cold. They’re really great for mutable fashion. Also, sunshades. I don’t understand how people don’t wear shades. People say shades don’t fit them, but it’s just a matter of understanding what type of shades work for your face.
But doesn’t it feel embarrassing to be scared of the sun
When I turned 16, I had to travel with my mum and I needed shades, so she helped me choose the pair that worked best. I’ve been wearing shades ever since. I never really got people not liking shades, like why are you subjecting yourself to the harsh glare of the sun? For me, it’s not even a fashion accessory.
And fashion irks?
One of my fashion irks is those thin slippers I see babes wear. I get that it’s part of the rich aunty aesthetic, but I see girls wearing them in the rainy season and I’m like, “Water could splash on you, and you might have to wade through a flood”. That’s why comfy and chunky slides should be essential.
Fair. What are your rules for thrifting?
I’m not the best person at bargaining. It stresses me out because how will I know the price? I like to work based on my value of things and do some research. If I think it’s worth a certain price, and you call a crazy amount, It won’t work. I found one really good thrift store, ‘Retro Addicts’, and since then, the Instagram algorithm keeps bringing more my way.
For my rules, I ask myself if I can see myself wearing it more than once. Also, boots are a heavy standard for me. I call my aesthetic “super rager girlfriend”. So I ask myself, “Can I wear this with my boots or any other pair of shoes?” If I think I’m being too impulsive, I come back the next day. The boots thing actually helps me create outfits that feel like me.
But the major thing is the mutability of the outfit. I ensure that I can style the outfit in different ways. Fashion isn’t necessarily about what you wear, but how you wear it.
Created with RNI Films app. Preset ‘Agfa Optima 200 Warm’
How did you get so confident about your style?
I’m from a very conservative home, but I’ve always been very fashion-conscious. My mum would dress me in Deeper Life-type clothes, and I’d be unhappy as hell. It made me frown a lot because I never liked my outfits. It was crazier because my brothers used to wear like really fly shit gifted to them from my family friends, but the same people would conform to our conservative rules and send me dowdy ass clothes. So I felt cheated.
In church, I didn’t talk to anybody besides my brothers. Immediately after, I’d go and sleep in the car ‘cause I didn’t want anybody to see me. Eventually, I realised I didn’t have any friends, which affected me. One time, I designed a poll about how people perceived me, but I never gave it to anybody to fill it out. I just decided you know what, fuck this. I don’t make the rules. I’ll just rock my shit like that and try to frown less.
I spent all my life wearing things I didn’t want, but when I got into uni, I could start dressing as I wanted. I actually had to hard-wire confidence into myself. So now, I don’t care how ridiculous you think my outfit is. I like it, and that’s all that matters. I don’t care about what you, your grandma or granddad thinks. Once I can get out of the house with it, and the people outside see me? Mission accomplished. For me, every outfit is a reality I’m living.
Explain that
The biggest example is when I went to an only women’s fest in 2021 in this mesh dress. I don’t think I’d ever even worn it before that, but I thought it would be nice to have my titties out, so I wore it that way. I knew it would be a safe space where I could get away with a risque outfit. Now, every other place I’ve gone, I layer it as a top even. But in that moment when I wore the mesh dress and nothing else, I was living the reality of that dress as the ultimate bad bitch attire.
Well, you can wear that dress again to Zikoko’s Hertitude. It’s a safe space for women
I’m bigender. My pronouns are she/he/they. But I don’t enforce it because you technically can’t misgender me. It’s just irritating when my profile photo is clearly femme, and you say, “Good afternoon, sir”. For me, my pronouns should align with how I am presenting at that moment. When I’m wearing a cool, hard-ass, steal-your-girl-type outfit, and then, some guys are like “damsel”. I’m like, “Who are you talking to?” So that’s the thing about living the reality of the outfits. I’ve always been androgynous, and the biggest expression of that is my fashion.
You also work as a producer on Taymesan’s podcast. What’s that like as a young person?
The creative industry is actually a young industry if you look around you, so I don’t think there’s anything crazy about my age and the work I’m doing. There’s tons of young people doing kick-ass shit right now. For Tea with Tay, before I was his producer, I was actually his assistant for a year, then he needed a fresher approach to his podcast, and I was down for the challenge because I like to align my interest and my passion with my job. If the job doesn’t interest or excite me, I can’t do it.
What did you do differently to make him keep you on?
I’ve just been more hands-on. So far, I’ve put out eight episodes, so it’s still a new experience for me. For the first few months, that was just me getting clarity. Now, I’m taking a new approach to the content and how things are rolled out. We introduced a new segment called “Spill The Tea”, and that’s been fun.
As much as the creative industry is young, the scene is very much “who you know”. So when did you start putting yourself out there?
I’ve just always been an expressive person. So I guess without even saying anything, people just always thought of me as a creative. I studied English at the University of Ibadan. Along the line, I worked as a ghostwriter. Then after NYSC, I got a job as a writer, but the pay was not it at all. After a while, I started seeing Linkedin profiles with all these high-achieving corporate people, and I’d feel a tinge of jealousy. I didn’t understand it because I know I’m not trying to climb the ranks in the corporate world. So I started to tell my friends about jobs I wanted to do; they were creatives as well. One of them, Jimmy — I always joke that I’ll build him a statue one day — was already more established in the creative industry, so he plugged me on to “Notjustok’’, and since then, I’ve just been blossoming.
What influences everything you do?
How passionate I am about it or how much it excites me.
What if the money is good, but you’re not passionate about it?
I can’t work in a bank, for instance, even if the pay is crazy. I quit writing for ‘Notjustok’ earlier this year because I’m not as passionate about writing.Passion and money go hand-in-hand like a handshake because, at the same time, I can’t do free work where I am. YKB’s Oshofree has actually been my mantra since the beginning of 2022.
Will you ever write again?
I need to reconnect with it and just that part of me that’s passionate about writing without having to be paid for it. Capitalism ruined my first love.
I wish you good luck with that. How do you unwind?
I just sleep. All my friends know I don’t really watch movies because it takes me like a million years to hyperfocus on it. I’ve also been exploring dining out with friends, but for the most part, I sleep, even when I shouldn’t be sleeping.
What are your favourite Nigerian designers?
I’m bigender. So, I really like TJWHO’s androgynous but clean designs. They have a really masculine edge to their femme designs. It’s like masc. and avant-garde at the same time — very slim cut, sharp. I love it. Then, Tokyo James, I think, for similar reasons and just how they work with fabric. It’s very exciting and groundbreaking. Then Tubo Reni, I think her sculpting skills are next to none, and what she did with Tiwa Savage on the Water and Garri tour was impressive. Tiwa actually wore Fendi and Versace throughout. I think Tubo Reni was the only Nigerian brand she wore .
Do you have any plans to create your own fashion pieces?
I’ve been designing since I was a kid, but imposter syndrome hit me really early. I’ve just decided to go to a proper fashion school to learn. I went to Queen’s College, and they had a clothing and textile course. I did that from SS 1 to 3. I want to go to a proper fashion school and maybe start designing for myself first and see where it goes from there. I worked with a bunch of stylists last year, and before that, I actually styled one of my friends for his video shoot. I worked as a styling intern in 2022. I’m obsessed with getting experience. I don’t appreciate being in a place where I second-guess myself. But because I’m busy with my other passions that pay me money, I haven’t found time to give it as much attention.
What are the other passions that pay you money?
I work as a content lead for WeTalkSound. I’ve always wanted to be in a space where I share ideas and see them through till the execution point, and I’m very passionate about music, so that’s me bringing two of my passions together. I also work as Artiste and Label Relations Manager for Gojë Distro. I get to be an active part of the music distribution process. For Taymesan, I’ve always wanted to work with someone with a level of access to resources that I don’t have because it’s just a really good learning ground. I get to interact with vast minds, vast talents.
Favourite career moments?
Working as a content lead has been very rewarding. It’s something I’d always dreamed of doing. We made a viral post recently, and I know it’s hard to replicate, but we’ve grown so much, and the difference is clear. In 2021, I wrote a timeline of the alté subculture and sound. I spoke to Douglas Jekan for the interview, and he gave me a shout-out for the work I was doing. I listened to him a lot when I was in secondary school and he was actually my window to the alternative music scene in Nigeria. So this was a personal crowning moment for me.
What are your favourite parts about being a creative industry entrepreneur?
The freedom. The fashion freedom. You see me pressing my phone, but I’m actually restlessly working. I could be working on a news report, putting a Canva design together or reviewing a content idea. I also love that I get to cover shows, from music listening parties to concerts.
What do you want to do in the next couple of years?
If I’m still alive.
This is why I don’t like you Gen Z people
I mean, we have to be honest. But I want to own a creative agency to build ideas from scratch that help people in the entertainment world. Do you need to bring a show to life, or a concept, we can help. People don’t understand things like how powerful a good copy is, how to sell things, how immersive concerts make people want to come back for another edition the next year, or even an artist’s social media branding, from how they dress to how they text. A creative agency helps people in the industry to take concrete ideas and execute them.
I also want to get into headhunting, to look out for people with a second class or even dropouts. I think I’d be great at this because when people need talent, they always come to me. I always look within my community before looking outside ‘cause it’s just always better to refer people you know firsthand can do the work. Down the line, I’d like to make headhunting an even wider reach for the creative and tech spaces. I’m not sure if I should be sharing this much, before somebody steals my idea.
If they steal it, we’ll fight. Can’t wait for your creative agency, maybe we’d finally have musicians who give me something outside of their music, which is great, but like, I want to connect with you
As Nigerians, we’re actually very big on personality. We love big personalities. If you’re not selling us a personality that’s larger than life, your brand will actually suffer.
Very, very true. How would you describe your personality?
I’ve never thought about my personality, but someone called me a “crackhead rockstar”. I protested at first, but I think it’s apt.
Some professions are more respected and loved than others. And some are just plain underrated. Here are some jobs we actually shouldn’t look down on because they’re really amazing.
Town crier
Imagine waking up to a bell and someone giving the whole town hot gist? The gossip levels will increase, and it’ll foster town unity.
Philosopher
All the thinking you’ve been thinking for free, where has it taken you? Nowhere. At least, let your overthinking put food on your table and a roof over your head. It’s time to start asking yourself the difficult questions.
Alchemist
Imagine being able to turn copper into gold? Or lead into silver?
Someone who helps people to recall the names of everyone they’ve met. In this era of short-term memory, this should be a massive profession. Do you know how many awkward situations would be prevented if someone actually remembered names on people’s behalf?
Food tasters
With the rise of village people, it’s important for you to have someone taste the food you want to eat.
Knocker-upper
Are you tired of always snoozing your alarm and waking up late anyway? Well, a knocker-upper’s job is to wake people more effectively… by beating you till you wake up. You’ll never miss an alarm again.
Bell-ringer
Bell-ringing is a pretty accurate way to tell time for those who run from their responsibilities.
As someone who’s also patiently waiting for January salary, Zikoko puts on its journalism cap to find out what’s taking it so long to arrive. What Zikoko got in return was kidnap, insult and a lesson on financial responsibility.
(Zikoko gets ready to leave its house when it’s suddenly accosted by two big bodyguards.)
Zikoko: Omo, they’ve finally decided today is my day
Bodyguard 1: Are you Zikoko?
Zikoko: Uhm… no?
Bodyguard 2: Oga told us you’ll do like this.
The bodyguards signal to one another and put a bag over Zikoko’s head. Then they lift it into a van. There’s a lot of screaming and shouting, but it seems like nobody hears.
Zikoko: Chai. I wonder which of my articles made them look for me?
(Zikoko is woken up with a splash of cold water on their face. It’s tied to a chair, and hands are bound)
Zikoko: Kinky, but at least, let me know who you are.
(January salary appears from the shadows)
January salary: Thank you, bodyguards. That’ll be all. Hello Zikoko. You asked to see me for an interview. Here I am.
Zikoko: Omo, you didn’t have to do all this.
January salary: Consider it a security measure.
Zikoko: God, abeg. Thank you for agreeing to have a chat with me sha. I know you’re very hard to track down.
January salary: It’s alright. You were very desperate.
Zikoko: I like to think of it as persistence in the face of injustice.
January salary: *sighs* I can’t believe you’re one of them.
Zikoko: Ah, one of who?
January salary: The people looking for me up and down. Did I tell you all I was lost?
Zikoko: But things are just tough.
January salary: Did I send you to do Detty December? You wanted to shake your ass on a yacht, did you think it’ll be free? When you were paying for ₦70k ticket to stand and wait outside for hours, was I there with you? When you were spending money at strip clubs and doing beach parties every Sunday, did you invite me? No! Now that you’ve finished galivanting around town and being “lit”, you’re looking for me everywhere. Why you dey find wetin no loss?
Zikoko: No need to shout. If you know we’re desperate, and we need you so badly, why are you taking so long to show up? I have gbese to pay, please.
January salary: I’m not taking any longer than the other months with 31 days. It’s just your poverty that’s affecting your thinking. This is the problem I have with you Gen Zs and millennials. You’re impatient. You know when something is supposed to get to you, but because you made some strange decisions, you want to now pressure me? No. I refuse to be pressured. I am not rice.
Zikoko: It’s not pressure. In fact, you too should be used to it.
January salary: Just because I know it’ll happen doesn’t mean I’m not tired of it. Put yourself in my shoes. Nobody remembers me for stuff like going to the club and travelling around the world. The only thing they use me for is bills, debts and complaints. I’m more than that.
Zikoko: I see you, and I hear you. Your feelings are valid, but tell me. Where are you hiding these days?
January salary: Why do you want to know?
Zikoko: I’m asking for a friend.
January salary: *just stares at Zikoko*
Zikoko: Please…
January salary:
Zikoko: I need to pay creche fees.
January salary:
Zikoko: I have two children…
January salary: Oh? What are their names?
Zikoko: Principality and powers…
January salary: *starts leaving*
Zikoko: Please, can I move in with you for the time being. The people I’m owing money are looking for me, and I can’t pay…
Nigerian anime fans got to have a safe space to gather and interact with each other at the 2022 Eko Anime Fest. And the cosplayers who attended had a lot to say about the joy of finding a like-minded community. Read about it here.
Emmanuel
This is my first anime event. I love the experience so far. It’s really nice, and I know it’s going to get better, so I’m here for it. The world is advancing technologically, so I hope they have a VR experience next time. But besides that, I love anime, I love HunterXHunter, my number one is One Piece, and I really like Cowboy Bepop. I’ve been watching anime since I was in junior school.
Mine
I’ve been watching anime since I was six, and my first was Naruto. Yes, I’m one of them; Naruto is my favourite anime. I’ve cosplayed about four times now. I cosplayed Carole from Carole & Tuesday and Yumeko from Kakegurui. I’ve been to about four anime cosplay events, and my favourite thing is seeing other people as enthusiastic about what we love around me. I love the feeling of being around people who understand why we do what we do. It’s a small-ish community, but it makes me happy.
Femi
I’ve cosplayed just once before this, and I did Itachi. My favourite anime is Naruto, but I like Akame Ga Kill. My big three are Naruto, Full Metal Alchemist and Akame Ga Kill. I’ve been watching anime since 2004, when I saw Ronin Kenshin. This might be my first anime con, but I’m impressed by how people went all out. They took their time to cosplay their characters, and I see the effort. I also love how this small community helps me meet like-minded people who love anime.
Kammie
I’ve been watching anime for two years. My favourite anime is One Piece and Kuroko no Basket. This is the second anime con event I’ve cosplayed at, and I love how happy everyone is. People come up to you to take pictures because they appreciate the effort you put into your cosplay. It’s amazing, and I love that we get to have this. For anyone trying to get into anime, it’s not too late. Watch Naruto, Food Wars, Demon Slayer and Black Clover as a starter. We’ll all be here for you.
Saiki
I’ve been watching anime for two years, since the pandemic. I’d heard about Naruto from primary school to uni, so it felt like a new starting point. I finally had time to try it because I was at home with nothing to do. I’ve seen almost 100 episodes since then because I kept watching them back-to-back to catch up. I’ve slowed down a lot, though. I love Saiki, it’s my comfort anime, but my favourites are Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and Attack on Titan.
This is my first time cosplaying, so I tried to do something not so risky but still significant. I did Saiki since he’’s my favourite character. It was fun to source the material to make it happen. I’m new here, but obviously, anime is going mainstream, so I love the sense of community we get to have. People on the road might wonder what we’re doing, but we get each other. It’s fun to see people excited about something others consider a niche. It’s just fun to be around people you can relate with.
Bolu
I’ve been a big anime fan for five years now. Not to be cliche, but I love One Piece a lot. Then there’s One Piece, Haikyuu!! and Dororo. I love cosplaying. I cosplayed as No-Face for the first time last year and actually won the competition. I love seeing other people as weird as me, who share similar interests and love of anime, in the same place. It’s so cool. Where else will I see these many people looking like this in Lagos?
Crys.chan.cosplay
I’ve been watching anime since primary school; my first was Pokemon. My big three are My Hero Academia, Haikyuu!! and Fullmetal Alchemist. Anyone who wants to start off should try Demon Slayer or Noragami. For romance, try My Little Monster and Say I Love You.
I’m a regular cosplayer. In 2022, I did about 26 cosplays in total, and I make almost all the costumes from scratch. I love coming to community events like these ‘cause everyone else I know dismisses my interest, but here, everyone likes it as much as I do. And I love it.
Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.
Bube Israel likes to be defined as a multi-dimensional creator. She’s a supermodel, designer and creative director. Bube doesn’t eat chocolate, shawarma or burgers because she’s a picky eater. Bube is very pro amala and semo. She’s a cancer moon but doesn’t like to claim it cause she doesn’t like cancers. She used to play basketball when she was younger but stopped suddenly.
We have to talk about why you stopped playing basketball. You have the height!
I played from primary school to high school. I stopped because my mom bought me one gorgeous wristwatch. I wore it to practice because I was excited. They pushed me, I fell, and the watch broke. I quit immediately. I would like to play basketball again. I also started modelling in primary school.
You know what? Fair. Modelling as a kid sounds fun. What was that like?
I started modelling before I clocked 7. My mum used to take me around for shoots. She says she was a model before, but I haven’t seen any pictures.
You said she has no proof; I’m screaming!
No, no, no., In her defence, there weren’t pictures then. But I mean, she looked like one, so I believe her. My sister was also a model. She wasn’t a professional, but I saw her on several calendars, which made me decide to pursue it full-time. My mum is also a designer, so she taught me everything I know about sewing and designing. I’ve never in my life wanted to work a nine-to-five. It’s just not for me. I’ve never been signed or worked with an agency. Corny as this might sound, I’m just a lucky girl. My work just speaks for itself. I started officially modelling again three years ago.
Even as a kid, you weren’t signed? How did you get booked?
I modelled for kids’ fashion shows. I did one in Abuja. I remember only two others. My mum knew her way around all these things and supported me. Now that I’m grown in modelling, people think I’m too short. I’m 5’8, so I don’t book runway shoots. I only work private shoots. I’ve gone for casting only twice or thrice in my life because I don’t deal well with rejection.
My 5’5 self is just stunned. What’s one of your most ridiculous rejections?
The first time I went as an older model, I was excited and flattered because people there told me I had high cheekbones. The judges saw me, and they were like, “Oh my god. You are stunning”, so I felt they were aware of my presence, and they’d picked me. Tell me why I didn’t hear my name when we were done. I’m not a punctual person. I’m trying, but in my head, time is not real. The call time was 8 a.m., my mum woke me by 5 a.m., and I was at the venue by 6 a.m., so tell me, why this girl who came in by 2 p.m. got the job? I almost gave up on modelling after that. But, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always said I wanted to be a fashion designer and model. What I’m doing now feels like I’m living my childhood dream. Maybe I should be bigger.
Does this height issue bother you?
No, it doesn’t because I didn’t create myself.
I know my height is a hindrance to runway modelling. I don’t go for castings anymore because I don’t want anyone to make me feel less or bad for not being selected. I know my strength. It’s in editorial, commercial modelling or private runways where they say height isn’t a problem. For most castings, they’d tell you the minimum height is 5’9. My doctor told me I’m 5’8.
There’s no way that one inch is noticeable
They would literally measure you. One time, they measured me, and apparently, I wasn’t up to 5’8, so the guy asked me what I was doing there. I was like, “I’m 5’8”. And he was like, “You’re 5’7.7. Please, get out of here”. God, I cried that day.
Why would anybody talk that way?
Oh, that’s standard behaviour. I went for one casting, and we were in a queue, but this tall stunning babe was on her own. Then, a casting guy who wasn’t even a judge saw her and told her to “Get the fuck out of this place”. If you see how I carried my bag and left the queue before I’d be the next target. I don’t know what devil he was fighting, but not me. Later, I jokingly asked a model what she did. Apparently, the casting guy had been a model for a long time. He said she was a new model and can’t just take up space without paying her dues.
Wait, what does that mean?
It’s a connection thing. You have to know people. He said he didn’t hate her but did that so she could toughen up. I hate embarrassment in my life. That was my last casting in 2019.
That must’ve been a tough decision to make
It was. I wasn’t signed to an agency, so I had to work twice as hard as a signed model. I made myself a brand. I had to work on how people would see me. I reached out to different photographers and handled the styling. I’d reach out to photographers and makeup artists to collaborate. I’d create mood boards and send to them, explaining that I was an upcoming model.
I followed people who I felt were doing what I wanted to do at the time. I followed models already in the industry, photographers, everyone. I started to get work through word of mouth. You know how you work with one big person, and other people believe in you automatically? That’s what happened to me. The first photographer who believed in me was Lex Ash, so shout out to him. I started modelling full-time when I graduated high school.
What year was that?
I graduated in 2015, and I think I started modelling in 2018. I wanted a year off before going to uni, and then Nigeria happened, so I kept taking more time. I’m currently in 100 level, studying accounting.
What sorts of jobs did you do?
I saw my mates get cast for all those wedding makeup jobs. I’ve never been a femme girl, but I wanted to feel included. Whenever people wanted to book me, they’d say, “Yeah, that androgynous model”. Who said I was androgynous? I didn’t want to accept that. When I’d get booked with other models, they’d put makeup on them and focus on skincare for me. I was on a low cut, almost bald, and they loved the look.
Did it affect how you felt about yourself?
No, actually. It made me come to terms with it. Honestly, I think modelling helped a lot in my self-discovery. I love myself now, and I think I’m hot, but back then, I didn’t understand what it meant to be beautiful in your own way. Even though I won “most photogenic” in school, I still wanted the attention of being pretty.
Back then, people saw models as people with strong features. I wasn’t conventionally pretty, but I did want to be one of those pretty girls. My face has brought me enough money in this life, so I’m thankful. I figured out what worked for me and stuck to it. They even bullied me for not having boobs. God will not punish them for calling me drawing board in school.
OMG. Kids are so mean
For no reason! Like, we were still developing. They made me cry a lot. It didn’t help that I started to have a shape, but nothing else was growing, so they said my ribs had bent. I called my mom the next day, crying. It was insane what they did to me in Queen’s College. At one point, I used to pray to God every day to give me boobs and ass. I made my mum buy me push-up bras to push bone, and she indulged me. Until I woke up one day in 2019 and was late for a friend’s birthday. I couldn’t find a bra, and that was it. Anyone that has issues with seeing nipples needs to check themselves. I’m not the cause of your problems, man.
So childhood insults gave you thick skin against the modelling industry?
Exactly. Now, there’s nothing you can tell me I haven’t heard before.
How would you describe your personal style?
I’d say free. I do anything, and I’m very experimental. I always say I have a hundred faces and personalities. I love being unpredictable. You’d expect me to turn up in a mini skirt, and I’d show up in a suit. I’ve always been blessed with a mom who accepts whatever I want to do, and however I present. Like two years ago, I struggled with mini skirts, now I just dress for comfort.
Modelling helps me get comfortable in whatever I wear, you can’t tell them you don’t want to wear what they give you, even when it’s unflattering. It’s my job to convince people the pieces are beautiful. I work on my poses, and the photographer contributes by capturing the right angles. Confidence completes and brings out each look.
Is it this ability that distinguishes a model from a supermodel?
I’m just so extra. I like to call myself a supermodel because there are models, and then, there’s me.
Mood! Do you have a favourite editorial you’ve worked on?
I think all the editorials I styled myself for. Those are quite old, but yeah, they’re my favourites. I design and make the clothes then curate the mood boards of what I want the outfit and shoot to look and feel like. That’s why I say I’m a model and creative director. It’s just that I can’t pay myself. This is why people believe in my styling abilities. I never came out to say, “Please, I’m a stylist. Hire me”. My work spoke for itself.
When did you take up styling full-time?
About a year ago, but ever since I started modelling, I’ve always styled myself from my own wardrobe or even pieces my mum doesn’t use anymore that I DIY. I’m obsessed with taking pictures, so it was easy to document my work and put it out there. I’ve worked with a couple of Nigerian artists.
Now’s the time to name-drop for us
I worked with SGaWD, and I occasionally make clothes for her. I currently work with Somadina. Almost everything on her page right now was styled by me. I’ve worked with Tomi Owo and Fave. I assisted with a Big Brother project in 2021. We designed different pieces and made clothes for that set. I’ve worked with some influencers outside Nigeria.
There’s also this friend of mine that was a contestant for Miss Nigeria in the UK; I made her clothes. I don’t box myself in, and I love working on new things, so if it’s something I think I can take on, I always go for it. She believed in me, and brought me the first big girl job that made me a lot of money. It’s funny because I don’t have my brand out yet, so all these people support me because they believe in me.
That’s actually so sweet. Let’s talk money. How do you charge for modelling and styling?
I made my first million naira in 2022. I’ve made close to 200 clothes just based on people liking how I style myself. Whenever I want to charge, I have to ask my mum or friends how much they think I should. The lowest I’ve ever charged was ₦5k for a velvet two-piece in 2019. The most I’ve charged for one dress was ₦600k. For modelling, the least I’ve been paid was in exposure — exposure to sun and rain. I can’t lie, modelling doesn’t really pay me, and they don’t respect your time either. As freelancers, nobody tells you how much they get paid. Some people would even steal jobs from you.
What do you do to relax when you’re not acquiring new skills?
I don’t relax. My brain is always active — I overthink a lot and struggle with anxiety. You know how people have problems and can sleep them off? My village people pursue me with those problems into my dreams. Styling was just something I used to do to relax and tension people on Instagram, and now that it’s work, it feels like a chore. One of my goals for this year is to find things that help me relax.
Do you plan to expand your team? Maybe that’ll help you relax more
Yes, I’m actually looking for a good tailor, but I’m a perfectionist. I’ve tried a couple of tailors. I’ve even tried to get a PA before, but it was like I was doing most of the work. So I started paying myself.
It sure sounds like a lot of lows. What are the highs?
For me, my favourite thing is seeing people look hot in my piece and them actually liking it. My friend, who used my piece for a pageant, could’ve hired a designer, but she spent a lot of money supporting me, pushed me to do it and was so happy with the result. There’s also money, obviously. I also just love doing what I do. I love how much I’m growing.
What do you want to do in the next couple of years?
I don’t know how to make long-term plans because whenever I do that, life will be like, “Who are you? Aired”. I’d love to own an agency far into the future. My immediate goal is to establish my brand and connect with more people. One thing I want to do differently is organise shoots for my designs that don’t restrict height, size or anything. So I have to have valuable connections so when I sign and manage models, I can actually get them good jobs. I want to try so many different things. I don’t want to lack, and I don’t even want to be in Nigeria.
Does your brand have a name yet?
Yes. It’s called Londier.co. I have a page, and some people know the brand, but I think it’s just my anxiety that’s stopped me from launching. I saved up for it and spent the money multiple times. I wanted to do it in 2022 but I lost my dad. Hopefully, this year.
I think the name is very pretty. I already make custom pieces, so I just need to release a collection.
Hi, I’m Sylvester Effiong Ekanem, a.k.a. Effyze. I’m a 21-year-old digital artist, recording artist and content creator. I’ve been drawing all my life. I’m extremely unique; I’ve just come to embrace that about myself. Life is too short to want to be like someone else. I hate learning something new because at that stage, it’s so frustrating. My number-one supporter would be my mum because she let me study fine and applied arts — majoring in graphics/animation — and that’s really cool. I’m working on my first Webtoon show called Unfamous.
Unfamous sounds fun. What’s it about?
It’s a web series.
It’s about four friends who go to an influencer high school in Nigeria — a satire on the lives of influencers. It focuses on the friends — Folake, Styles, Zoey and Femi — their wild imaginations and experiences. There are a lot of side characters who are influencers of different niches and genres. I really want people to resonate with these characters, especially now when everyone is on TikTok with a notion of what a content creator’s life is like. Unfamous shows the funny side of what everybody thinks about influencers.
How did you convince your Nigerian mum to support your art?
My mum is one of my best friends. She’s not wild like most Nigerian or African mums. She has her moments, I’m not going to lie, but most of the time, she’s really cool. There are so many things most African youths can’t approach their moms to ask for that I can. And it made it really easy to just let her know I didn’t want to study medicine or engineering. I wanted to go to school to draw. She already knew I had it in me. The walls of our first house really suffered. In secondary school, everyone was drawing Ben 10, Naruto and Goku, but I wasn’t just drawing stuff I saw in movies, I imagined my own characters. It wasn’t really much of a big deal to convince my mum. And I love her for it.
Did you have that childhood experience where your parents discover you can draw so they refer you to one uncle to put you through?
I was the kind of kid who’d cling to any older person who could draw. When I was little, I was so intrigued by anyone who could draw, so I didn’t need anyone to do that for me.
What was the first character you created?
Dennis the Vampire. I wasn’t as creative with the names of the characters I came up with, or their stories. The name was inspired by Dennis, the Menace — my mum used to buy me a lot of comic books. It was about this vampire who was really bad at being a vampire. He had glasses on because he couldn’t see. Every single issue of that comic book ended with him getting sunburnt to a crisp.
How old were you when you created him?
I was in my JSS 3, so I was 12 going on 13. I don’t have any of the illustrations anymore, but I remember what he looked like. It was my first original character, after all. If I were asked to redraw him, I definitely know how I’d do it.
Would you recreate it anytime soon?
I don’t know. The thing is back then it must’ve felt super original to me, but now that I’m grown, I realise it wasn’t as original as I thought. If I revisit Dennis, I might change the story a bit. For starters, he was white and had a black best friend. I was wired to understand that was the perfect dynamic. I can change that now.
You seem heavily into pop culture.
I’m the last kid in my house. My immediate elder sibling is five years older. So I grew up with people who already knew what was trending at the time. My brothers were all into gangster rap, and my sister listened to R&B. Watching them inspired me to know what I want early on. And lucky for me, the things I like tend to go mainstream.
I’m watching Wednesday right now. I see stuff that’s mainstream, and it’s really intriguing to me. Some people are like, “Oh, mainstream is boring. Go underground.” I feel like it’s popular for a reason.
What were those shows for you growing up? Were they all animated?
It was a mix of animated movies/shows and live action. For starters, I’m a Disney boy (for life). Growing up, I’d watch Kim Possible almost religiously. I’m also a big Cartoon Network boy. Stephen Universe’s art style has inspired me a lot. That and Total Drama.
Your web series art style is giving The Proud Family with some Jimmy Neutron — because of the large heads. And I sense some gaming influence.
I don’t play games, but I do admire game characters a lot. You’ve mentioned some really nice toons too, TBH. Jimmy Neutron and TheProud Family are very dear to my heart. But for Unfamous, I think the art style I really incorporatedwould be Gravity Falls, one of my best cartoons off the Disney channel. When I was figuring out the art style, I really did get a lot of inspiration from Gravity Falls, but not so much that when you see it, you’d think, is this Gravity Falls fanfiction or something? When I imitate an art style, I just take elements from the style.
Are you studying animation in Nigeria?
I wish. But my final thesis sheds light on how universities need to start offering animation courses of study here in Nigeria. The closest thing to a computer-animation-related programme I could get was graphics design in UNN. And that’s where I am.
I don’t trust Nigerian schools enough to think it’s being taught well
It’s not. In the first semester of my final year, we learnt surface-level UI. To be honest, our lecturers don’t know much about what they’re showing us because when they were learning, they used cutters and rulers and cartons to construct stuff. They’re trying their best, teaching us the theory. The practicals, which is the real work, I learn from YouTube and Skill Share.
Something I find really cool about you is you make couples’ art. Tell me about that
The first-ever couple I illustrated was my friends, Ubong and Joey. They were dating at the time. I just used them to practice. Then I started getting commissions from couples for their weddings. Every couple I’ve ever drawn ends up genuinely resonating with my goofy version of themselves, and it’s just really great to see.
How much did you charge when you started drawing for couples, and how much do you charge now?
When I started digital art, I didn’t understand how to put a price on my work. I felt I was just starting, and therefore, should be cheap. That’s not a good notion to carry in your head. What matters is how good you are and how well you can deliver.
The first-ever commission I got was from a couple who wanted their wedding souvenir to be different from what everyone else was doing in 2017. I charged them ₦10k. These people lived abroad. I was just starting, but it was still quality art. I remember the money finished just as fast as it came.
Now, it’s a lot different. I follow a lot of artists who give tutorials about putting a price on your art. I got to know about pricing and list making, and I came up with price levels in 2021. A pack of six illustrations of you and your partner is ₦30k, for eight, it’s ₦35k, and the 16 is ₦45k. There have been times when I compromised because I just loved the project. It depends on how much I believe in the project. It doesn’t even have to be a couples thing. It could be a children’s book or stickers.
Do you mean WhatsApp stickers?
When I illustrate couples, I just make the Whatsapp stickers and send if they want them. That’s a promo thing I do. I remember when I started doing that in 2020, it was for a couple who lived in Brooklyn. They wanted stickers they could use on social media platforms, and I was like, WhatsApp would be a good one. So I thought that’s what I could do on the side to say thank you to my clients for their patronage, because it really doesn’t take much to make them.
How many have you done so far?
I’ve illustrated well over 50 couples since I started in 2019.
How do you bring life to the people in your couples art?
Some people don’t exactly know how to describe what they want, so I ask questions about character traits. Someone who loves to read or is mischievous would be represented just like that. For people I already know, or relationships I’ve witnessed, I don’t think I’d need to ask them to tell me about themselves. But if it’s a stranger, I ask them.
Who influenced you to take on animation?
I owe my love for drawing to Chris Brown. It’s his talent that motivated me to start everything I do now — singing, acting, choreography, drawing. I remember listening to With You for the first time and being like, “Who’s this guy?” When I started researching about him and found out he could draw, I said, “Oh, I’m going to draw too” because I wanted to be like Chris Brown. Other people have inspired me too, like Butch Hartman.
That’s bold in 2022. Who inspires you right now?
Yes, I have other artist inspirations too. When I started doing digital art, I was afraid I’d be the only Nigerian doing it. I was amazed to discover artists like Mohammed Agbadi, Mumu Illustrator and many more. I know a lot of really amazing Nigerians that, when you see their work, you’ll wish you could do something like that. People like Nari Animation. He inspired me to start learning how to draw backgrounds. Most of my recent inspirations are Nigerian artists. Seeing people, who understand what it’s like to be Nigerian, create these things is amazing. Also, Ridwan Moshood, the creator of Garbage Boy and Trash Can, is a huge inspiration. I follow him everywhere.
Are you working on a big project we should be expecting?
In years to come, I really hope I can do an animated show. But before that, Unfamous is coming for you guys, and it’ll be great. I’m writing it with one of my best friends, Arnold. We’ve known each other since we were five.
What are your favorite works so far?
I’m really feeling this piece called Otilo (She’s far gone). It’s currently on my Instagram, a photo I drew of a girl smoking out her window. You can see what she’s thinking, just like random stuff in nice doodles on the side. I really resonate with it. I’m also proud of this album cover I did for an artist. He wanted something a little spooky. An artwork I think I’ll always be proud of was this angelic lady adorned in gold. She was crying; over her crying face was a smiley face. It’s the first time I drew what I was feeling. I’m proud of all of them, my little scribbles and warm-up sketches. I’m just trying to make sure I’m proud of myself before anyone else is proud of me. If you don’t approve of yourself, you’ll always be looking for approval elsewhere.
What are the highs and lows of being a digital artist and animator?
The best way to create digital art is to have good materials, and I’ve never had any of those. The ones I have are OK, but not cutting-edge. The real struggle is me trying to use regular materials to make A-grade art.
What do you enjoy doing when you’re not in school?
I sing. To draw, you’d have to get your tools, press buttons and all that. But with singing, I just open my mouth and never shut up. When I’m not drawing, I’m definitely singing, and I’m an R&B boy. I think I sing more than I draw these days.
Do you have anything out?
Right now, it’s just covers for people who want to listen to what I have to say and get an idea of the kind of sound to expect once I start putting out actual music. The biggest question an artist must ask themselves is how they’ll tell their story. That’s why I’m taking my time. I’m still trying to figure out how to tell my story. I have a few demos on AudioMack, but there are bigger projects coming.
What do you want for your life and career?
First of all, I’m manifesting happiness and fulfillment. What I want is for people to see my art and resonate with it. I want people to feel things they didn’t even think they could until they saw or heard my art. Everybody wants to go mainstream. But I don’t just want to blow, I want people to have a purpose once they experience my work. It may sound like a lot of pressure to put on oneself, but it’s what’s keeping me going. A lot of artists starting out have messaged me on Instagram asking for advice, and I give them everything I know. I want to impact people’s lives with my art. In 50 years, I want to look back and see I actually achieved what I wanted to achieve.
And in terms of measurable success?
In the next five years, I want to see Unfamous go from a comic to an animated show, maybe on YouTube. We could start from there and build up. In music, I feel like every musician’s dream is to pour their heart out in a song, have everybody singing that song, and then a few awards here and there. For me, it all boils down to resonation. Even if I don’t win awards, if I walk down a street and see people just listening to my music on their phones, I’d feel like I’ve won.
What would you like to share with people who are scared to start creating?
Don’t compare yourself with any other person. Most artists are in love with everybody’s art except their own. It’s one thing to be driven by someone else’s art, but it’s another thing to continuously compare yourself with them. You shouldn’t do that as a beginner artist. Let your last work be your competition. Think this way, “I’ve created this. The next one will surpass it. I’m in competition with myself. I’m only getting better.” You might not know how long the people you compare yourself with have been practising. Art is subjective; whatever you’re creating is still art.
The year is coming to an end, but your company doesn’t look like they plan on ending the work year. Well, since they’ve decided to choose violence, we have some ideas on how to get them to close by force.
DISCLAIMER: If you end up unemployed, Zikoko didn’t send you message. Abeg.
Kidnap your CEO
Obviously everyone in the company will spend their time and resources looking for him. The company will have to close by force. If they still prove stubborn, demand that his release is conditional on the fact that they close down for Christmas.
Buy padlock and lock everyone out
Arrive earlier than everyone else in the company and change the padlock. Go back home then resume at the normal time. Now, pretend to be shocked that they’re locked out.
Change the social media password
Change the password of all the social media accounts and start posting rubbish. They’ll think they’ve been hacked and will be forced to close. You can even use the social media account to air their smelling behaviour for all to see.
Find something scandalous about HR, and threaten to leak the secret if they don’t force y’all to close for the holidays. Better set up your camera and start stalking HR 24/7.
Sue for emotional damages
Choosing to make you work at the end of the year is damaging to your mental and physical health. If they don’t close, you’d have to take them to court. Even if they win the case, do they really want to waste money on legal fees? They’ll close for their pockets, and you’ll get to relax for the holidays.
Disconnect the power grid
If you work from an office, what you need to do is disconnect their power supply. No power = no work. The math is simple.
Sell the company
When there’s no company remaining, nothing stops the management from not only closing for the holidays but forever and ever. You might become poor, but at least, you’ll be home for the holidays.
Siblings have their designated roles and behaviours in every family. From the black sheep to the golden child, we’ve seen it all. So what if the days of the week were all siblings in a large family? This is definitely how it’ll go down.
Monday
The first-born child who’s loved by both parents but absolutely hated by the younger siblings. They probably got two degrees, married early and are rich now. The other siblings don’t see all the sacrifice Monday makes and the ridiculous pressure they’re under. They just see them as a know-it-all.
Tuesday
The immediate younger siblings of Monday who can never match up no matter how hard they try. Tuesday busts its ass off but can never really be considered “That girl”. They’re sick and tired of always being second place. Monday wishes they could repair their relationship with Tuesday, but it’ll never happen. Tuesday needs therapy.
Wednesday
Wednesday was born when parents realised they’d fucked up with Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday then proceeds to be even more messed up than the other two, a constant reminder that parents might never get it right.
The neglected child. Nobody really remembers them or what they have to offer. They don’t have distinguishing qualities. They’re just trying to get through life. Thursday is tired but content.
Friday
The “I can do it all” sibling. Tries to have a great work-life balance, neglecting the other siblings. They don’t make much time for family activities and have chosen to make their friends the found family.
Original black sheep of the family. Anything that concerns their other siblings? Out. They’re closer to Friday and Sunday, though, because Friday understands how annoying family is, and Sunday thinks they’re cool. Saturday just enjoys expressing themself.
Sunday
The unplanned child and last-born teenager with severe mental health issues. All Sunday has is sadness, grief and angst. Since most of the siblings are grown up and juggling jobs and life, Sunday is left to its devices, and just wants to be more like Saturday.
2022 has been something between a horror movie and a comedy. We haven’t seen anything like it before. But just in case you’ve forgotten, here are some of the unreal things that happened this year.
ASUU went on strike, again
Everybody, including the government and their minions, thought they were kidding since they just ended a strike in December 2020. But ASUU said, “Hold my beer”.
Narrator: And so they kept holding for ten solid months.
The government banned ponmo
We know it has next to no nutrients, but did they really have to do this? Ponmo has been there for us in this economy. It hasn’t commited any offense.
Ooni of Ife took many wives
The Ooni read the biblical story of King Solomon for the first time and said, “Is this your king?” He then married six wives in two months. We stan a true family man.
They applied Snapchat filters to our beloved naira notes
When this year started, did you ever think you’d see Ahmadu Bello’s face behind a vignette filter? Well, there’s nothing the CBN cannot do.
Somebody’s daddy went naked to pray for City Boy
Upon all the shege we were shown this year, we didn’t think we’ll close out seeing someone’s daddy strip naked to pray for Tinubu, the city boy, traumatising us and the marine spirits in the process.
The dollar hit ₦800
Even after our friendly interview with the dollar, it went on a rampage and showed us it’s actually too sexy for Nigerians to afford. The betrayal!
Asake charged us ₦70k for a concert
We definitely want to meet Asake’s dealer in 2023 because this thing is getting out of hand. Ololade Mr Money decided to take his name too seriously, and yes, we’ll still pay, but that’s not the point. The audacity is loud.
If you’re like me, you like to escape into books that tell stories of the reality you want. But reading can be a lot when there’s not enough representation (and capitalism has taken over our lives). To help the situation a bit, here are some short, fast queer reads that’ll spark joy and revive your reading habits.
On A Sunbeam by Walden Tillie
This is for fans of movies like Star Wars. On A Sunbeam is set in space and follows Mia on a journey of self-discovery while on her first job. She consistently reminisces over her last few years in school with her first love and finding friends with her new teammates. The best part of this book is it’s set in a world where only queer women and non-binary people exist.
Mooncakes is one of the cutest recommendations in this article. Who doesn’t love a good story about a witch and her werewolf lover? Exactly. Nova and Tam are forced into each other’s life after years apart, and what was just a friendship blossomed into something sweeter. Except now, they have this big bad to defeat. How much cuter can it get?
The Girl from the Sea by Molly Knox Ostertag
There’s falling in love with a mermaid, and there’s falling in love with a Selkie — a seal that turns human on special occasions. Morgan has the pleasure of falling in love with one over the summer, and it’s so heartbreakingly cute.
Taproot by Keezy Young
For fans of ghost stories, Taproot is the perfect blend of romance with a sprinkle of ghoul. The only thing stopping Blue from being with his true love, Hamal, is that he’s dead. This book is proof love transcends death. Blue is a ghost who’s been in love with Hamal for the longest time, and conveniently, Hamal can see ghosts. Except, with powers like that come great enemies.
Wynd by James Tynion IV and Michael Dialynas
Another sweet book for men who love men. Wynd is a simple and quiet soul, he works at a local tarven aand finds time to gaze at his love Intrest the castle’s ground keepers soon. All would have been okay except Wynd is a magical folk and they are outlawed in Pipetown and trust that that revelation leads him to an interesting adventure.
The Magic Fish by Trung Le Nguyen
While, as queer Nigerians, we can’t understand the reality of American immigrants, we do understand having parents who are so set in their ways coming out would feel like a betrayal. Tien enjoys reading with his parents even though they struggle with the new language. His love for books helps him assimilate the language faster until he can no longer communicate with his parents. It’s a delicate story of a boy finding the confidence to come out to his parents, and such a powerful read.
Bloom by Kevin Panetta and Savanna Ganucheau
This queer graphic novel is every 20-something’s reality — trying to move out and find yourself, full of big dreams, but your parents have other plans. It’s Ari’s reality too. His parents hope he’ll stay in town and help with the bakery, but Ari wants to move out to become a famous musician. He starts finding a replacement baker to work at his parents bakery, Hector, but then sparks begin to fly.
Heavy Vinyl by Carly Usdin and Nina Vakueva
Volume 1: Riot On The Radio focuses on Chris and her job at a record store she thinks her co-workers hate her. That’s until she discovers they’re an undercover all-female fight club. For all the music-loving queers, this is a great short read full of badass fight scenes and music recommendations.
As I prepare to write my final exams, I reminisce on my time shuttling between Lagos and Benin city the last five years. Even though I’m from Edo state, I was born and raised in Lagos, so living in Benin was a chance to connect with my people. However, as much as I like to deny it, I’m a Lagos babe through and through. I like the hustle and bustle that comes with Lagos. As much as I complain about the traffic, a traffic free life scares me. I love
The culture shock I first experienced in my first year in 2018 hasn’t ended since. If you’re a Lagos babe like me and you want to know what to prepare for if you ever have to come to Benin city, first of all, never wear white shoes out. Benin and red sand are like Lagos and traffic — joined together, never to depart from one another. Your shoes will change to shades of red and orange, and you’ll hate yourself and the person who brought you to Benin.
Of course, not everywhere in Benin is covered in red sand, but most of it is. Especially the places that require you to walk. That brings me to my second culture shock. There are parts of Benin where you forget that okadas exist. In Lagos, I’ve watched various governors try and fail to ban bikes. They bring their little task forces and impound lots of people’s okadas, but one week later, they are back on the road.
My cousin told me there were no bikes in Benin, and I thought she was joking. When Oshiomole decided to ban them, he banned them for real. Lagos state governors should come and learn work from him. Edo state has mostly expressways and bikes are a big no-no except within specific streets. Even then, it’ll take a while to find one. If we’re being honest, finding anything in Benin city will take a while. The early morning grind culture I grew up with in Lagos? Non-existent in Benin city.
Benin people do not like to stress. They do things at their own pace, especially if those things are running a business. You go to a shop to buy something, and the owner sits while you attend to yourself. If you finish and don’t have the exact change, they can’t be arsed. Get out. I’m used to sellers in Lagos offering to at least find change for me. I can’t forget when a woman shouted at me for trying to buy a sachet of milk with ₦200, like I’d committed a crime. I had to return to my streets milkless and annoyed. It was even worse because I had to walk a long while to find a shop open by 8:30 a.m. on a weekday. They open their shops late and close them early. Do you want to order a Bolt by 7 a.m.? Better use that time to fill up your water bottle and start trekking. Anything that relates to stress? Benin people can’t take it. They don’t care if you’re paying them. Their gist, their peace, their rest come first.
If these business owners eventually answer you, language might be a barrier. If you’re like me and don’t speak Benin fluently, I’ll advise you to brush up on your pidgin. The pidgin they speak here is unlike the one they speak in Lagos. Dem fit use am sell you for your front, and you go just dey shine teeth. Your 32 go dey sparkle but dem don call price for your head. Better go and hire a pidgin lesson teacher. Make e no be like say I no warn you before. At least, if you narrate your story give another person, you go include say I warn you. If you no include am, the thunder wey go fire you dey warm up for Oba palace. Dem no dey talk too much give wise man.
If you get the language part down and have to deal with the business owners behaving anyhow, you might feel tempted to interfere. You might want to raise your shoulder and shout at them to prove a point because you’re now a superstar, shey? The insults they’ll rain on you will humble you. I’ve not met a group of people with a worse mouth than Benin people. They curse you to say hello, and if you complain, you chop some more.
Last week, I offered to do something for my roommate, and she ignored me. I told her, “I don’t blame you; it’s me that wanted to do good.” Tell me why one of my Benin roommates replied, “Instead of the good you want to do to kill you, it will kill the person you wanted to do it for.” The scream I let out could’ve been heard from the gate. What did I start? What did she finish? And she said it so casually, like it was an everyday phrase. After the initial shock wore off, I added it to my dictionary. Benin has taught me a lot of interesting and colourful statements. When I unleash them in Lagos, they’ll gather and beat me.
Benin isn’t all bad. I think my favourite thing about the place is the electricity timetable. Every street has a particular time they “bring light”, which is helpful to plan your day. If they bring your light by 6 a.m., you know it’s there till 9 a.m. Anything you want to do should be done by then. When they take it, it’s till 12 p.m. It’s very consistent; they hardly bring light when it’s not yet your turn. Unfortunately, when rain falls, it can take two to three business days for the wire to dry, and in that period, nothing for you. Just zukwanike. Rest.
Benin is for people tired of the hustle and bustle of places like Lagos. Rent is not as expensive, but that’s rapidly changing. With the rate at which fraudsters are pumping money into the shortlet apartment industry in Benin, if you want to come, come fast.
There’s a lot of time to just relax and take it easy. If you enjoy a vibrant nightlife, omo, nothing for you. Except you don’t mind peppersoup and beer joints. That one, Benin has in abundance. You’ll eat grasscutter so much you’ll start growing it on your head. If you’re trying to find clubs, whatever they show you there, better close your eyes and collect it. Lounges? Same thing. Whatever you use your eye to see, your mouth might be unable to say.
The people who were born here or moved willingly don’t have a bad thing to say about Benin city. If they could, they’d choose to be born here over and over again. Me, on the other hand? I’m dipping the first chance I get.
