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Inside life | Zikoko! Inside life | Zikoko!
  • I Regret Divorcing My First Wife

    I Regret Divorcing My First Wife

    Tokunbo’s* first marriage began to crash barely a year after the wedding due to infidelity and constant arguments. He married his current wife while processing his divorce in 2017 and thought he’d finally found a shot at happiness. 

    Seven years later, he’s struggling with regret and hopes to reunite with his first wife.

    As told to Boluwatife

    Image source: Freepik

    I married my first wife, Yetunde* when I was 27 years old, but I’d loved her since I was 10. 

    We were childhood friends. Actually, she was my childhood bully. We lived in the same estate and we met when my dad bought me a bicycle as a reward for getting the first position in JSS 1. I rode the bike to the farthest part of my street that day, and as expected with children, other boys came up to me and asked me to let them ride for a bit. 

    I allowed a few boys, and Yetunde came to ask for a turn, too. I refused — not because she was a girl, though. I had a very small stature growing up, and Yetunde, who is two years older than me, was taller and generally bigger than me. I was scared she wouldn’t return my bicycle. She thought I was just being mean and forcefully dragged the bicycle from me. She did return it later, but we became sworn enemies after that day.

    Like I said, we lived in the same estate, so we always ran into each other. Whenever Yetunde saw me, she either mocked me by calling me “Stingy koko” or knocked down whatever was in my hands. I’m not even sure how we later became friends. I just know I reported her to my elder sister, and she made her stop bothering me. We became inseparable, and I thought she was the prettiest girl ever.

    We started dating in SS 3 and tried continuing in university, but we schooled in different states, and our love didn’t survive the distance. We only communicated occasionally via Facebook and only saw each other thrice over the next nine years. We always had a one-night stand kind of “reunion” each time we saw. One of these reunions led to Yetunde getting pregnant in 2014.

    The pregnancy came with serious issues for both our families. Yetunde’s family insisted we had to marry because it was taboo in their village to give birth outside wedlock. My own family said she was older and physically bigger than me, and that meant she’d control me in the house. In the end, Yetunde and I felt we still had feelings for each other, so we married.

    It’s safe to say both of us didn’t know what to expect in marriage. We didn’t even really know each other. We’d loved each other as kids and were attracted to each other sexually, but that was about it. Living together opened our eyes to the fact that it took more than childhood love and sex to keep a home.

    We fought over the smallest things. I remember how we kept malice with each other for three days because I farted in the sitting room, and it led to a huge fight. Parenting strained our relationship even more. I spent long hours at work, and Yetunde expected me to take over the baby’s needs once I returned because she’d done it all day. But I didn’t think it made sense for me to come home tired at night to start babysitting. 

    Yetunde resented me for that, and we fought endlessly. We also stopped having sex after our child was born. She just stopped letting me touch her. This was barely a year after marriage.

    So, I started cheating. I know I should’ve put in more effort to solve our issues, but I took the easy way out. It was just casual sex, honestly. There was this babe at work who I knew liked me. We got closer when Yetunde and I stopped being intimate, and things just got out of control. 

    Yetunde found out six months later after going through our chats. She threatened to leave, and I begged for weeks. She only agreed to forgive me if I tested for STDs. I did the test and came back clean, but she said we’d still have to abstain from sex for three months so she could confirm I didn’t have HIV.

    I was annoyed at that. It was like she thought I was a child who didn’t know how to protect himself. I still did the test again after three months, but I decided I wouldn’t approach her for sex again. If she really forgave me, she should also make the first move. She didn’t make any move. 

    I couldn’t cope, so I went back to having affairs. I think Yetunde knew, but she never confronted me again. We grew apart even more, and our conversations reduced to ordinary greetings or if she needed to ask me for something our child needed. I still sent her monthly allowances to care for the home as she wasn’t working. I wasn’t completely irresponsible.

    In 2017, I met the woman I’m currently married to — Comfort*. I initially intended to keep her as a girlfriend, but I fell in love with her and stopped seeing other women. Comfort didn’t know I was married.

    By now, I was tired of my marriage with Yetunde. I came up with every excuse possible to convince myself we weren’t meant to be together. I thought, if she hadn’t fallen pregnant, I wouldn’t even have had to marry her. Did I have to resign myself to a sexless, loveless marriage just because of one mistake?


    RELATED: I’m Asexual Or Just Not Attracted To My Husband


    I decided to put myself first, so I told Yetunde I wanted a divorce. Surprisingly, she didn’t argue. She just said she wouldn’t move out of the apartment, and I had to keep paying the rent. She also said she’d never give up custody of our child, which was more than fine with me.

    So, that same year, I married Comfort. I had to convince her we didn’t need a court wedding because I was still in the middle of divorce proceedings (which she didn’t know), and I heard I could face jail if I tried to remarry legally while still married. We even did the traditional marriage quietly because I didn’t want Yetunde to know and probably tell the court. My family knew about my issues with Yetunde, so it wasn’t difficult telling them of my choice to remarry and keep the whole thing quiet. 

    I only told Comfort after the court finalised the divorce in 2019. She was angry, but my family joined me to apologise to her, and all went well. I also tried to introduce her to my child, but Yetunde relocated out of the country with her. 

    I’m still shocked that she didn’t tell me beforehand. If I hadn’t texted her to inform her of my marriage and ask to see my child, she probably wouldn’t have told me they’d left. I mean, I still paid the child’s school fees for the previous term, so it wasn’t like I wasn’t doing my part. I wanted to drag the issue out, but I just told myself it was for my child’s benefit. 

    In my head, I was finally getting a new shot at happiness. I’d tried marriage, and it didn’t work out, but I had a second chance. I was also on civil terms with my ex and didn’t need to hide anything from Comfort again. I could now be happy without feeling guilty or thinking of another woman outside.

    And I was happy. Comfort even encouraged me to attend church more, and I gave my life to Christ in 2021. Since then, I’ve been serious with God and feel like a new person. But I’m now navigating a new kind of guilt: regret over divorcing Yetunde.

    I listened to a sermon in 2022 about how God hates divorce, and since then, I’ve been struggling with feeling like I made a grave mistake. The Bible says, “Whoever divorces his wife and remarries has committed adultery — except the wife was unfaithful”. Yetunde wasn’t unfaithful. She didn’t even do anything to me.

    No matter how I try to reason it in my head, I feel like I’m constantly living in sin by staying married to Comfort. It’s even affecting my walk with God. I feel like I call myself a Christian, but I’ll still go to hell because of this one mistake. I’ve never discussed this with Comfort.

    Some church elders I’ve spoken to about my concerns have suggested reconciling with Yetunde and probably letting Comfort go since we don’t have children together yet. But first, I don’t even know if Yetunde wants to come back. I know she isn’t married, but she might not want to have anything to do with me again. Second, what do I tell Comfort and our families?

    I wish I’d made better decisions and generally been a better person, but I can’t turn back the hands of time. I just know I need to make a final decision soon because I can’t continue living like this. Comfort already thinks I’m cheating because I’m constantly acting distant. Maybe I’ll gather the courage to beg Yetunde and hope she forgives me and returns. Or maybe I should just let Comfort go and live alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know.

    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.


    NEXT READ: My Husband’s Family Has Attacked Me Spiritually for Years

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  • 7 Times Nigerian Artists Sang About Bad Electricity

    7 Times Nigerian Artists Sang About Bad Electricity

    Nina Simone once said, “It’s an artist’s duty to reflect the times,” so Nigeria deserves all the artistic scrutiny it gets. While there are uncountable songs about the many social issues that resonate with Nigerians at the moment, we highlighted the seven that are articulate about our collective sentiments on electricity issues.

    NEPA — Tony Allen

    In 1985, the late Tony Allen released Never Expect Power Always (NEPA), and he just might’ve jinxed us for good with that title. The song was all about how useful electricity supply is to society and how its inconsistency affects people.

    Just Like That — Fela Kuti

    Fela trolled the government on “Just Like That”, a track off his 1986 Teacher Don’t Teach Me Nonsense album. “White man rule us for many years, we get electricity constantly. Our people come take over, dem come build Kainji Dam. Dem come build the dam finish. Electricity come stop.”

    N.E.P.A. Bring The Light — Neo

    N.E.P.A. Bring the Light is a 2007 pop-rock song by a Nigerian band called Neo. Listeners will croak at the part that goes, “I went to NEPA office, they told me they never took the light.” 

    2010 Light Up — Sound Sultan feat. M.I Abaga

    Sound Sultan sang, “When we ask our government o, when Dem go give us light, dem say na 2010,” over a decade ago. It’s 2024 and nothing has changed. We’re still asking when we’ll have stable electricity.

    Rara — Tekno

    In 2016, Tekno bemoaned how frustrating generator noises are on this danceable hit. He talked about fuel scarcity and encouraged government officials to invest in structural development. That was eight years ago. Nothing till now.

    Nepa — A-Q

    On “Nepa” off his 2020 God’s Engineering album, A-Q reminds us that Nigerian electricity always disappears anytime rain comes around. He compares NEPA to rappers that splurge on shiny jewellery but have no longevity. Another proof Nigeria’s messy situation is still bad enough to remain a relevant pop culture reference. 

    UP NEPA — XYZ

    When hip-hop music producer and rapper, XYZ, lamented about the light issues on UP NEPA in 2023, he told us ceiling fans don’t roll when there’s no light. But the call-and-response chorus is where all the fun is at — “When I say Up, you say NEPA / Up! Nepa!” NEPA, please, answer our desperate cries.


    Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the second episode below:


  • I Took a ₦100k Pay Cut Because I Was Miserable

    I Took a ₦100k Pay Cut Because I Was Miserable

    Why would anyone voluntarily take a pay cut? People usually only take a lower salary offer when they want to switch careers or industries. But for Jeremiah* (27), it was because his mental health was at stake.

    In this story, he shares how he realised he had to leave his dream-job-turned-toxic-nightmare after a few weeks, why taking a pay cut was necessary for him to survive and why he’s now scared of moving ahead in his career.

    As told to Boluwatife

    Image designed by Freepik

    The unwritten rule for children in most Nigerian households is that you get an education, land a good-paying job and start taking care of your parents. It’s the whole idea behind black tax.

    It’s also the main reason why I knew I wouldn’t use my economics degree even before I graduated from the university. I only studied the course because I wanted admission, and it seemed less competitive. I wanted a job that’d pay balling levels of money and allow me to give back to my struggling parents like firstborns should, but I couldn’t see a clear path to that with my degree. So, when someone introduced me to web and product design in my final year, I decided that was it: my hustle.

    It didn’t take much for me to land a junior product design role at a tech startup soon after NYSC in 2020. While I didn’t have work experience, I made up for that with a portfolio of test projects. The job paid ₦100k/month, and it looked like things would only get better. I was finally on the path to making good money.

    I sent my entire first salary to my parents. It’s a fairly common Yoruba practice to give your parents your first salary, they pray for you and then give you some of the salary back. My parents returned the full amount to me, touched that I decided to honour them in that way. But my new status as a salary earner signalled that they could start pushing some responsibilities to me.

    And push, they did. I still lived with them, so it only made sense for me to handle some recurrent home expenses: NEPA bills, fuel for the generator or ₦10k cash gifts here and there. Of course, there was also the occasional billing from my younger siblings. It wasn’t an issue for me. I was simply playing my part.

    In 2022, I got a promotion and raise to ₦200k, but by then, I was already itching to find another job. My workplace was nice, but I thought I could get paid better for my skills. A recruiter reached out to me on LinkedIn around that time and offered me a ₦350k product design team lead role at another startup. I was more excited about the fact that I would be in a senior role, so I didn’t bother to check if ₦350k was great for a non-remote one. 

    To me, a senior role meant my subsequent jobs would be even more senior and would consistently increase my earning potential. It was like my dream job.

    I got the job in June 2022 and was to resume in July. At that point, I had about ₦300k in my savings. I’d been thinking about renting my own place for some time, and I thought I could afford it with my new salary. So, I took my savings, plus a ₦150k loan from a friend, and rented a ₦250k/year apartment that wasn’t too far from my new office. I thought moving would be a great way to start this new phase of my life.

    From the very first week, I started having second thoughts about the job. There was only one other person on the product design “team”, and they’d already sent in their resignation notice. 

    One of the primary reasons I was hired was to make sure their mobile app was designed and ready to ship in three months. When they explained this during the interview, it sounded like I’d be part of something “life-changing” and all those motivational bullshit that make you feel gingered about going above and beyond. 

    But I resumed and saw that they were also in the middle of a rebrand, and I was to oversee the website redesign. What they really meant was to do it myself because where was the team I was hired to lead? How was I supposed to do both projects by myself in three months?

    As if that wasn’t enough, I reported directly to the CEO, and he’d make last-minute design changes and then say, “You didn’t quite catch my vision. How hard is it to do XYZ?” 

    He was also verbally abusive with a horrible temper. Every Monday like clockwork, he’d scream at the sales team for not delivering revenue for a product that hadn’t even been launched. If he wasn’t screaming at them, he was berating me for not carrying out my tasks faster, even though I had no support and was almost always revising designs. 

    It wasn’t strange to hear people crying in toilets or resigning every week. By the third month, I was well and truly miserable. I started to have panic attacks anytime I heard a notification from my phone or laptop. No one told me before I silenced all my devices. I still do till today.

    But I couldn’t just resign. I needed to stay for at least a year to finish repaying the loan and have something saved up for my rent and other living expenses. I started aggressively applying for jobs and counting down the days till I could resign.


    RELATED: 8 Millennials Share the Reason Why They Stayed at a Job They Hated


    Five months in, a ₦250k/month position opened up at my former workplace. I got to know because I was still friends with someone there, and they knew all about my struggles at the toxic job.

    I didn’t want to apply at first. It was a significant pay cut and wasn’t a managerial role — essentially, a demotion. But then, the very next day, my toxic CEO slapped a female member of staff for trying to walk out as he screamed as usual, and I decided I was done.

    I applied for the job at my former workplace, and since I’d worked there before, I didn’t have to go through many hoops. I resumed in a week. 

    I still remember the intense satisfaction I felt after clicking “send” on my resignation letter to the toxic job. I didn’t even wait for a response before logging out of all company platforms and dropping my laptop with the security guard.

    Sometimes, I wonder if I should’ve stuck through for that year or waited for a higher-paying job. Maybe I should’ve used the experience to build a thicker skin. But then, I remind myself that it’s not until I die that I’ll have proven myself. It was either I left that job or it took my life.

    My standard of living hasn’t reduced, but I spend more now. I’d gotten the apartment with the toxic job in mind. Now that I’m back at my former job, I’ve had to spend more on transportation even though I work hybrid. 

    I also started sending ₦50k to my parents every month when I started the toxic job. And I haven’t reduced it even though I earn less now. With inflation the way it is right now, it feels like I’m struggling at best.

    I’ve been working at my current job for a year and really want to try my chances at finding a better job. But I’m scared and also a bit ashamed. What if I land another terrible job and have to return with my tail between my legs like before? 

    I remember how weird it was to leave the first time only to return six months later. It’s possible no one else thought it weird, but I kept thinking about it on their behalf. Like, “This one thought the grass was greener somewhere else, but he has run back.” 

    I don’t regret my choices, though. I just need to get comfortable with wanting better for myself and not being too scared to take risks.


    ALSO READ: “I Was Used to Being Silenced” — Nigerians on Life After Leaving Their Toxic Workplaces


    Psst! Have you seen our Valentine Special yet? We brought back three couples – one now with kids, one now married and the last, still best friends – to share how their relationships have evolved in the last five years. Watch the first episode below:


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  • Things to Consider Before You Spend on Valentine’s Day, According to 9–5ers

    Things to Consider Before You Spend on Valentine’s Day, According to 9–5ers

    Vendors have started to fill social media with their curated gift boxes, and that’s all the sign you need to know Valentine’s Day is around the corner.

    We can debate why the death of one prehistoric saint means we have to finish all our money later. Today, let’s discuss how to draw the line between being a stingy lover and spending too much money as a 9-5er in Tinubu’s Nigeria. We got seven 9-5ers to weigh in.

    Look at your salary

    When you’re in love, you naturally want to go all out to put a smile on the face of your partner. But as a salary earner, that salary is supposed to take you till the next salary day. So, before you order that gift box, calculate how much you can comfortably spend without resorting to begging for food or trekking to work for the rest of the month. Then add a little extra for emergency expenses. 

    — Enoch, 29

    Make a budget and compare it to your usual expenses

    You should have a monthly budget, or something to track your expenses so you know how much you typically spend in a month.

    Make a budget for that Valentine’s gift and then compare it to what you’d usually spend in a month. If it’s more than 70% higher than your normal monthly budget, consider revising your plan for something less expensive, preferably within 30% – 50%, depending on how generous you plan to be. 

    — Mariam, 32

    Leave some wiggle room for inflation

    A good perfume that cost ₦10k in 2023 might cost ₦15k now. It’s not you. It’s Nigeria. So even if you have a budget, keep in mind that you might end up spending a little extra. But try not to completely veer off your budget.

    — Kevwe, 22

    Plan early

    Things become more expensive by the minute these days, and gifts tend to become even costlier around Valentine’s Day. It’s salary week, so it won’t hurt to start planning and making your purchases now. 

    — Omoh, 25

    Are there cheaper alternatives?

    Let’s assume you want to buy your babe a fake Van Cleef bracelet for ₦10k. Why not go to Yaba and buy the same bracelet for ₦5k? Both of them are fake, anyway.

    Considering cheaper alternatives is like killing two birds with one stone. You create a memory and spend less while at it. Plus, cheap doesn’t mean tacky, so package it well. 

    — Charles, 36

    Is the person even worth it?

    Ask yourself: Am I and this person dating exclusively? Do they see me as a talking stage? Will the person even match my energy?

    For me, how much I spend depends on how important the person is to me. 

    — Bayo, 26

    Get creative with your gifting

    Roses are great, but is it roses I will eat? Instead of spending ₦50k on that, consider creative practical gifts like food or fuel. The person might appreciate it more, and you’ll spend less. You can also gift joint experiences like an outdoor picnic, rather than dinner at an overpriced restaurant.

    — Lois, 21


    After spending on Valentine’s Day gifts, you might need these hacks: 7 Nigerian Millennials Share Hacks for Living Through Inflation


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  • In 2024, Your GRWM Videos Should Tick These Boxes

    In 2024, Your GRWM Videos Should Tick These Boxes

    Get Ready With Me (GRWM) videos are as popular as comedy skits these days. So if you’re not funny, but you want to make it on the streets of social media, they’re a great alternative.

    To become an excellent GRWM content creator, you’ll need more than teasing thirst traps in front of your camera and ring light. It’s an oversaturated market, but the best GRWM creators get some things right.

    Create a plan

    Be intentional about crafting a unique format and tone, including how you showcase the steps. @missimaa, one of the top Nigerian GRWM creators on TikTok, interacts with her audience like it’s a gist party with her besties as she shares every step of her glam-up session.

    Do what you enjoy

    Charity Ekezie has built her TikTok and YouTube following entirely on “GRWM to make-up” videos. Doing what you’re passionate about and sticking to it beats doing everything and being all over the place.

    Skip the intimate part

    The colour of your underwear doesn’t interest us. Just let’s see how you apply your skincare, dress and glam up, so we can steal some tips—please and thanks.

    Don’t fake it sometimes

    Stop pretending you just woke up when you and I know you can’t act to save your life.

    GRWM isn’t “Go Through My Day With Me”

    If your GRWM video has a part two, stop it. We only want to get ready with you. We don’t want to follow you to the mall, drive around town with you or watch you eat all day. Stick to the script.

    Be fashion-forward

    TBH, the best part of watching a GRWM video is seeing you get into a killer outfit. It’s not worth anyone’s time or following if your dress-up is mid. Improve your wardrobe, and internet people may grace you with their attention.

    Quality >>>

    Making content with excellent replay value is essential. A good camera will help. A good mic will help too, but don’t disturb us when you get one, like Hauwa L.

  • Do These 7 Things If Your Partner Has a Second Spoon at Work

    Do These 7 Things If Your Partner Has a Second Spoon at Work

    Discovering your babe has a work-spoon buddy can be distressing. Why should their coworker have a dedicated second spoon to create a lunchtime duo with your lover?

    Here’s how to handle the situation before things get out of hand.

    Encourage your lover to fast at work

    No serious person will disregard a spiritual practice that would only make them succeed in 2024 just for food from a co-worker trying to get their attention. If they do, let them go.

    Make the spoon go missing

    Whether you have access to the second spoon or not, your problem is half-solved when it gets lost. But I hope your bae’s co-worker isn’t so invested that they get another spoon for your babe anyway.

    Remind them that people get jazzed through food

    Telling your babe to take their eyes off other people’s food isn’t a hard task. Simply remind them about their village people and they’ll be disciplined. If they’re wise, they’ll quickly shift focus from their colleague to only you and your loving meals.

    Get them a lunchbox

    Since food is your partner’s release clause, maybe you need to lock them down with a packed lunchbox or Tupperware. Put beans in one box, stir fry pasta in another and orishirishi in another. But you’d have to wake up at 4:50 a.m every morning to achieve this, so good luck to you.

    No competi, competition for my baby

    Or just get them a finer spoon

    Why stress when you can simply get your spouse a finer second spoon. Anytime they bring out the spoon you gave them, it’ll remind the work partner to look somewhere else. So make sure it’s bright gold.

    Pray for your bae

    If somehow, all of the above fail, and they’re still flexing the second spoon to eat with their co-worker, the matter is now in God’s hands.

    The co-worker: WDYM Sack Letter Day?

    Throw your bae away

    A person who can’t leave their work spouse’s food alone despite your best efforts is beyond saving. Push them out and avoid the apparent love triangle. You’ve lost the fight.

  • The Nigerians Who Should Inspire Your “No Gree For Anybody” 2024 Movement

    The Nigerians Who Should Inspire Your “No Gree For Anybody” 2024 Movement

    2023 plagued Nigeria with crazily high inflation, foreign exchange rates and low purchasing power, among other things. And so, 2024 started with an unofficial theme for most Nigerians: “No gree for anybody” AKA “Stand on business”. 

    Let the church say..

    In simple English, these statements mean Nigerians will give zero chances to anything negative this year. If you accept the challenge, from today henceforth, model your actions after these Nigerians who are famous for varying levels of not giving a fuck.

    Jola and FK

    Jola Ayeye and Feyikemi Abudu have been pushing their “I Said What I Said” podcast since 2017. Their consistency has paid off because the podcast is one of the biggest in Africa today. In December 2023, they hosted a 1500-people live show in Lagos. Not only that, they’re known to platform important conversations around social bias, support small businesses and speak out against societal issues when it counts.

    Portable

    Throughout 2023, Portable kept himself in the news. Whether for his hometown coronation or airing his baby mama issues, he stayed in our faces. His music releases didn’t suffer either; he put out singles and an album. You don’t have to be uncouth like him, but you can emulate the way he makes noise against cheaters and about his hustle and wins. Also, keep being yourself whether people believe in you or not.

    Asake

    Asake’s steady domination of streaming charts is something to study. Despite releases from established acts like Burna Boy and Davido, Mr Money climbs to the top time and time again. In the first half of 2023, Asake’s debut album, Mr Money With The Vibes, had 440 million on-demand streams across platforms in Nigeria — almost twice what Seyi Vibez got in the second position. By August 2023, Lonely At The Top had become the most dominant single on streaming platforms and radio since Davido’s FEM in 2020. It came as no surprise when Spotify Wrapped 2023 listed Asake as the most streamed Nigerian act. Be a “landlord” like Asake in 2024 — turn the top to your house.

    Emmanuel Akinsanmiro

    18-year-old midfielder, Emmanuel Akinsanmiro, was signed on a four-year contract to Inter Milan U-19 football club from Remo Stars, Ogun State, in January 2023. Before then, he’d helped his former team get promoted from the Nigeria National League to the Nigeria Professional Football League in the 2020/2021 season. Emmanuel is proof you can do great things from a small place, so let nothing deter your dream in 2024.

    Nasboi

    The comedian was once a musician signed to Omotola Jalade’s record label in 2014 before he delved into comedy in 2017. In November 2023, possibly inspired by other successful comedians-turned-musicians — Broda Shaggi, Basketmouth, Kenny Blaq — he reignited his old dream by releasing his most popular song, Umbrella, featuring Wande Coal. He’s since gotten entertainment heavyweights, Kanayo O. Kanayo, Mercy Aigbe, Funke Akindele, Don Jazzy, Layi Wasabi and Sabinus, to push his new music. If a “comedian” is pressing hard to dominate musicians on the charts, who are you to not dominate things in and outside your field?

    Paula Sai

    Paula Sai is a budding rap artist who’s been posting freestyles and covers on her socials since 2019. Her delivery style mirrors Ice Spice’s but with Nigerian flavour. In 2023, she had a mild viral moment with one of her freestyles, when popular X users reposted it to make fun of her. In October, she shared her frustration in an X post about the public discouragement, stating that she’d return with a single or EP. Lo behold, Paula announced her comeback and new song this January. Let Paula’s resilience inspire you today.

    Rabiu Ali

    Rabiu Ali is a 43-year-old Kano Pillars footballer who’s been active for over 16 years. He has won consecutive Nigerian Premier League Cup (NPLC) titles for the club (2012, 2013 and 2014). Despite being above “football age” and the oldest player in his club, Rabiu remains tenacious, showing up to play the football he loves. His fans even call him Pele. Moral lesson here? No gree for old age.

    READ: The Year in Review: Nigerian Pop Events That Went Viral in 2023

  • Creator Spotlight: Lolade on Finding Her Voice on Her Terms

    Creator Spotlight: Lolade on Finding Her Voice on Her Terms

    Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.


    Hi, I’m Lolade. I’m a writer, editor and musician. I’m reclusive and not good with conversations because I’m socially awkward. It’s getting better now, but there was a time when it felt like people were pinching me just by talking to me. I’d choose dark elements over joy and fun. I’m like Wednesday Addams; I’ve loved her since I was a child. I love horror, but more than that, I love psycho-thrillers. I have a weird relationship with animal protein in the sense that I still eat it, but I don’t enjoy the taste or the thought that it was once alive. I’m vegan, but just lazy because it’s hard work. I was also a child genius.

    Tell me about the child genius bit

    I entered JSS 1 at age eight because I skipped four classes in primary school. I was good at school, so everybody assumed I’d study medicine. That must be where my social awkwardness came from. My classmates were years ahead of me, so I was always worried I’d say something stupid. I had a baby voice, and people always made sure to point that out. I was always hung up about whether what I’m about to say would make any sense. 

    Just because I was smart, people were like, “You have to go to science class.” But I’ve been artistic for as long as I can remember. I love to draw. As a child, I’d take all my picture storybooks, recreate them page by page and paste the pictures all over my room walls. Everyone just ignored that and said, “You’ll sha still study medicine.”

    On school variety days, the social people would get to participate in dance and drama, but I had to do debates, spelling bees and math competitions. I’d win the competitions, fair, but I just wanted to dance, sing and do all those other things. But I’d always hear, “No. That’s not you.” I was sad and lonely because people had put me in a box, making me reluctant to be around others. 

    Was your reluctance a growing-up thing, or did it stick with you?

    By university, I’d gotten used to being the strange one. I just wanted to be on my own, so I’d destroy my friendships without knowing. I’d be friends with some people for several months, and then suddenly, I’d just start acting up. It was like an out-of-body experience. I’d start doing all sorts of stupid things, and before you know it, they can’t stand me. 

    What did you study at uni?

    Architecture, which is like medicine. You need to be passionate to study it, or you’d be sad. The late nights at the studio, drawing buildings from skeleton to roof — I still have chronic back pains from my years in architecture school. I hated it so much I had a panic attack in my first semester. Studying architecture is one of my biggest regrets in life. And to think my family thought it was a good compromise between medicine and visual art. I never practised architecture for one day.

    How did you go from reclusive genius to architecture hater to musician? 

    I’ve always loved music. 

    One of my biggest issues in life is how I’m good at and interested in too many things — drawing, storytelling, singing. When I graduated from university at 19, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. But I’ve always sung in church and school. I always joined the choir, but no one paid attention to me. Because of that, I believed my voice was average, so I even started singing off-key on purpose. No one knew I could sing in school, except my roommates. 

    I didn’t know where to start with music until I went to Calabar for NYSC in 2016. I stayed at my mum’s friend’s house whose husband was a commissioner, and a lot of young people would just come over to hang out with them. One day, I met this woman who just opened a music school. She talked about her passion for music, and how she started as a dancer and had won several competitions. She was better at dancing, but she wanted to sing, so she started taking vocal classes. I was so excited by her story.

    She gave me her number, I visited her school, and that was how I started taking vocal classes. In my very first class, she sat at her piano and just said, “Sing”. I did. She was like, “Wow. See sweet voice oh.” I was like, “Oh, me?” It was then I started to think I could actually be a professional singer. We were both dreamers. She made me feel like I could do the seemingly impossible things I dreamt of doing. 

    I can’t put into words how I feel just listening to music or watching someone perform. It was refreshing to meet someone who understood that. She taught me how to exercise my voice, perform with it, make it convey emotion and pass a message. When I applied these techniques, I sounded almost like the great performers I admired.

    Since you now know all the techniques, do great music performances still impress you

    I won’t say I know all the techniques o. Learning never stops. But I criticise a lot more. Sometimes, I hear Mariah Carey sing, and I’m like, “This woman is straining her voice here”. But I don’t do that in public o. MC is a vocal goddess, please. But it’s also made music more achievable. The classic composers — Beethoven, Mozart, etc. — made great symphonies because they had all the time and support from the church and state, not some superior talent. 

    What else do you do besides being a regular hater?

    I hate on things for sport. Hating what most people like is training. If you can argue against what most people argue for, it would arm you with the skill to have an argument for anything at any given time and to get out of any situation. 

    I’m also a good writer. But I write mostly fiction. I’ve been working on a book since 2016. I actually finished 500 pages of a first draft in 2019, but I’ve been rewriting it since then.

    For what audience — millennials, young adults? Or is it for everyone?

    It’s a family saga that cuts through five generations of women. So there’s a section that could be YA, but the book as a whole is an adult read. I want it to be a timeless piece. 

    What happened after the singing lessons in Calabar? How did your music career kick-off?

    I don’t think my music career has kicked off yet, TBH. I’m still experimenting and figuring things out. The music industry is a lot.

    As part of my training in Calabar, I had to make a cover video and post it on YouTube. So I did Asa’s Bibanke. As soon as I got back to Lagos, I started posting more covers on social media, and everybody was shocked to see them. My first real performance was during a church Independence Day celebration in 2016, where I sang the national anthem.

    I got a lot of engagement on my covers because nobody knew I could sing — not even my extended family members, many of whom were quite disappointed I chose to pursue something “unserious”. I’ll never forget my uncle calling me over the phone to tell me I’d never succeed as a musician because I was an efiko, and I should just give up now. He said I was making a fool of myself.

    What keeps you going despite the struggles?

    The numbness I feel with everything else.

    Meanwhile, my out-of-body experiences happen most strongly on stage. When I start performing a song I love, in front of people, there’s this joy I feel. Nothing else makes me genuinely happy like that. Regardless of whether I’m making money from it, I feel so proud of myself when I’m just singing. When I was younger, one of the happiest things that ever happened to me was when the Disney Channel came to our TVs. I remember being so amazed by the movies and shows. I’d watch them over and over just to learn the lyrics to the songs.

    How did writing and editing now come in?

    In secondary school, I started writing stories in notebooks just because my best friend could write and I was jealous. We both loved reading novels, so it was kind of natural. In uni, I led the student press and media team. Some months after NYSC, I started freelance writing to support myself while shooting and posting my covers, because my parents were worried I might turn into a layabout. 

    So your parents weren’t supportive?

    They were, and still are, in their own way.

    They had friends in the gospel music industry, and they’d always introduce me to them. But I remember one time, this particular friend of theirs listened to me sing, and we talked about what I could do to kickstart my career, like coming to his studio to record. I told my father about our conversation. He later said he’d talked to the man privately and he’d advised that, though I had promise, I should get a job first. So I got a job.

    A few weeks later, the man called and invited me to meet with some people. I responded with, “Oh, I’m at work. Can we do it during the weekend?” He sounded really surprised. From that point on, he hasn’t invited me for anything or tried to help my career. It’s clear now that my dad lied about the man’s advice, but I stayed at the job for the next four and a half years. I got to meet many people in the entertainment industry there, and I’d always be like, “What the fuck am I doing here? Why am I meeting people who can help my career but not being able to leverage it?”

    In hindsight, I know none of these people are interested in helping anyone’s career. A whole machine exists in the music industry that nobody ever tells you about. Nobody really wants to sign you or make you a star. There are way too many aspiring musicians for that, and 90% of them are extremely good. Some are even multi-skilled and know big names in the industry, but still don’t get signed.

    The only thing that helps is a music executive’s perception of you and how much money they’d make immediately, or a certain storyline or criteria you fit. No one really knows what that criteria is until they see it.

    I know you have a song out called “happy”. Are you working on any new music? 

    I have seven unreleased songs, and I’m working on more. But I don’t know when I’ll drop them. I hope “happy” will be the only song I’ll drop on my own. It was an experiment to see what it would be like to drop a song and promote it on my own, and how far it’ll go organically. 

    Why are you hoarding your songs? 

    What else will I use to pitch to potential investors? One thing about creative projects is only 20% of the budget goes into producing the art. 80% should be for promoting it. Right now, I only have enough to produce my art. I don’t want to waste it with zero-budget promotion. That’s how it’s done in K-pop. They spend $1m to produce a song and video and reserve $9m for aggressive promotion.

    Is this you soft-launching yourself on the internet as a K-pop fan?

    I’m lowkey trying to refrain from using Blackpink as an example. 

    2023 will be about getting sponsorships, which could come in many forms. There’s the record deal everyone’s striving for, there’s actual sponsorship or investment, management deals, so many options.

    Which artists influence your music?

    I have too many influences. I listen to all kinds of artists — new, old, legendary, underground, local, western, Asian — and they all influence my music. But to summarise, I’d start with my Nigerian love, Tiwa Savage. I love her staying power. More than everything else, I love that she started again at an advanced age and still killed it. She inspires me to keep going. 

    I’m fascinated by tragic icons who’ve passed, like Michael Jackson, Kurt Cobain, and my fave, Aaliyah. I also like hearing strong, sonorous vocals, people who sing with pure, bright tones. And I’m inspired by people who really get into performing their songs — choreo, acting, complex stage production. Nigerian artists don’t do that, and I get why. Nigerian fans prefer when you shout and hype and just vibe with them. They don’t send all the other oversabi.

    Do you have a favourite career moment? 

    My favourite career moment happened recently. I attended an industry event with a lot of influential people to support my mum. She’d just completed a music business and management program because she wants to help me in this struggle.

    The organiser invited her to a reserved seat right in front — of course, I tagged along. He especially recognised her in his speech, saying the industry tries hard to encourage Nigerian parents to support their children’s music careers. But my mum didn’t just show interest, she participated in the program, all the projects and was even involved in planning the event.

    Once the event ended, an influential woman in the industry walked up to her and said, “It’s so good to finally meet you, Ma.” I literally froze when I saw her stand in front of me. She turned to me, greeted me and shook my hand. I was shooketh. And that’s how people kept coming to my mum, and through her, I got to meet different managers of big artists.

    There was this Jamaican music exec who said to me, “You have a mum that supports and is actively involved in your career. You’ll definitely go places.” The whole night was the highest of highs for me. 

    How much more do you hope to do with music in the next couple of years?

    Just because I’m obsessed with music, I know I’ll have an entertainment company structured just like K-pop companies. 

    After NYSC, I was obsessed with the idea of getting a record deal. I still want one because it does help with structure. But now, I have an artistic vision for my sound and visuals. I already know how my songs will lead up to each other, the storyline of my entire discography. I even have a Pinterest account with secret vision boards for each song. I’m on my bed every night, just scrolling through those boards, reminding myself about all the ideas and how they connect. 

    It’s interesting because I’m finding out now that many of these record companies want stuff like that. They won’t even sign you until they’re sure you’re marketable — and for a long time. So this is my safety net. Whenever a record label decides to approach me, I already have ten years’ worth of content to show. I’m just waiting for a platform, and while I wait, I’m working on having my own resources. 

    You call yourself the “Queen of Lagosians”. Why? 

    I come from an old Yoruba family that’s originally from Lagos. One time in 2019, I attended a family owambe, where I wore traditional lace and aso-oke with my mum’s corals. When I posted the photos on Instagram, my friends started calling me “Queen of Lagos”. 

    I changed it to “Queen of Lagosians” because I want to be the queen of people’s hearts, not just a location. I’m obsessed with royalty, so a while back I heard about this woman in history called Mary, Queen of Scots, who had a very sad life. And because sadness fascinates me, I’m obsessed with her too. Even though she was the sovereign queen of Scotland, she lived in France for a long time and had a French accent, so her people didn’t like her. She tried to endear herself to them by saying she was the Queen of “Scots”. Also, Princess Diana was asked in an interview whether she thinks she’d ever be the Queen of England. She said no, but that she wanted to be the queen of people’s hearts. 

    In my mind, I was like, I don’t want to be the Queen of Lagos. I want to be the Queen of Lagosians, queen of the people. 


    READ ALSO: Creator Spotlight: Moyomade on Creating a Soft Life Through Adire

  • Every Food Tourist Should Experience These Festivals at Least Once

    Every Food Tourist Should Experience These Festivals at Least Once

    Can any self-respecting food lover really give themselves the “foodie” title if they haven’t done some form of culinary excursion? I mean, it’s not only about being able to differentiate between pounded and poundo yam. 

    That’s where we come in. By the time you experience these food festivals, you’ll be more than deserving of your “food lover” ID card.

    Bole Festival

    Whether you spell it as “bole” or “boli”, this should be the first stop on your food tour. You’d be surprised by the different bole recipes available. Warning: You may never eat it with groundnuts again.

    Image: Bole Festival on X

    Burning Ram

    If you think about it, meat may be every food lover’s origin story. Almost all of us passed through a stealing-meat-from-the-pot phase — don’t even deny it. Burning Ram celebrates the Nigerian culture of meat and grill, and the best part? As of the date of publishing, you can still be a part of the 2023 edition.

    New Yam Festival

    Yam is the Nigerian staple, not jollof rice. How else do you explain how almost every state and tribe in the country has their own version of a New Yam Festival? For the Igbos, it’s typically celebrated after the rainy season in August, and referred to as “Iwa ji” or “Iri ji”. For the Yorubas, especially in Ekiti, it is termed “Odun Ijesu”. Irrespective of what tribe you celebrate with, you’re sure to find yam delicacies of all types, music, dance and masquerade displays at a New Yam Festival.

    Image: The Guardian Nigeria

    West Africa Food Festival

    This festival is proof you don’t have to japa to expand your tastebuds. As the name implies, this festival involves celebrating the dishes and culinary culture of West African countries. The annual festival is typically held in the countries along West Africa, and 2022’s edition was in Lagos. It features food, competitions and wine tastings.

    Image: Flickr

    Lagos Seafood Festival

    You might think you like seafood, but have you really had everything the sea has to offer if you haven’t eaten stuff like octopus or human-sized fish? The annual festival was rebranded to “Lagos Food Festival” in 2022, but you’re still sure to find interesting sea creatures when you attend.

    Argungu Festival

    The cultural festival has increasingly become associated with food, as it involves a fishing competition to catch the biggest fish. It happens in Kebbi over a four-day period every year and features agricultural showcases, musical performances as well as wrestling and swimming competitions. 

    The winner of the 2020 fishing competition was awarded ₦10m, two cars and two seats to Hajj. Excuse me while I go learn how to fish.

    Image: The Nation

    Calabar Carnival

    Termed “Africa’s biggest street party”, the carnival celebrates the Cross River culture, but the cuisine is a huge part of it. It’s an annual four-day event that features a food festival of its own, with rich Efik cuisine, grills and drinks.

    Image: The Whistler

    Jos Food Festival

    If you’ve ever entertained curiosity about what food on the Plateau tastes like, you might want to add the Jos Food Festival to your itinerary. It features indigenous food displays and local musical performances.

    Image: Sunday Alamba

    PS: You can’t have read up to this point without signing up for Burning Ram. Do it now.


    NEXT READ: Like Boli, These Nigerian Meals Deserve Their Own Festivals

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  • Nigeria Should Fight These Things Before Facing Niger

    Nigeria Should Fight These Things Before Facing Niger

    Inflation

    It’s killing everyone. The enlistment and support would be overwhelming.

    Bank charges

    Imagine getting debited every time just for terrible services. The Nigerian Armed Forces would be fighting for a good cause if they faced these banks.

    Our right to soft vacations

    What’s the point of a country that can’t make it easy for you to take periodic breaks from it? Everything from travel bans to visa restrictions is stressing Nigerians out. We deserve soft vacations first.

    Passport office billing

    The Nigerian passport is already worth little. What’s the point of billing us to death before we get it?

    Semo

    The best time to get rid of semo was before it was invented. The second best time is now. This food is a crime against us as a nation, and something needs to be done about it.

    People who hate dodo

    They’re clearly enemies of progress, and we don’t need them at this critical point in the life of our dear country.

    Lagos traffic

    The constant traffic on Lagos roads is a matter of national urgency. It’s shortening our life span every single day. 


    NEXT READ: Types of Nigerian Men That Should Get the Military Draft


  • A Case for Being the Smaller Person

    A Case for Being the Smaller Person

    When your bank removes unexplained charges

    They already stress you every day, and they still want to charge you for it? No. It cannot happen.

    Or your Bolt driver wants extra money

    They’ll say fuel is crazy expensive, but it’s not affecting them alone. The app has already increased price. They should leave the rest to God.

    When food passes you by at a party

    You mean you’re just going to sit there and be mature about the fact that you’ll be leaving an owambe without tasting rice? Come off it.

    Or when they tell you meat has finished

    It’s a different story if you’re a vegetarian. But if you really like meat, what’s the point of hiding your pain?

    When someone takes too much time at the ATM stand

    Be the smaller person by kneeling down to beg them for funds since they have too much of it.

    If you’re arguing with an agbero

    In this scenario, change our advice from “go lower” to “lay low”, and you’ll be safe.

    When salary doesn’t enter on salary date

    If your salary always takes too long to drop, why are you working fast and getting everything done quickly? Take your time too. Obviously, no one around you is in a rush.


    NEXT READ: If Twitter Is X, What Is Your Favourite Brand?


  • “What’s It Like Growing Up Too Fast?” — We Asked These Nigerians

    “What’s It Like Growing Up Too Fast?” — We Asked These Nigerians

    “I became the third parent” — Tola, 27

    I’m a first-born daughter and that meant that from an early age, I had to fill in for my mum who had a full-time job. I hated every minute of it because I didn’t even know what I was doing. I learned to cook at age 7 and I was in charge of all house chores. I thought it’d get better when I left for university, and it did for a while. But then I graduated from school and got an awesome job. I started making my own money, and requests for financial assistance have been pouring in from everyone. I’m back here, living my life for them, and it feels like there’ll never be an end to it.

    “Losing my dad forced me to grow up” — Daniel, 24

     I had a sheltered background, but everything changed when I lost my dad. I was 16 at the time, and I had two other siblings. My mum was a petty trader, so we quickly went from being relatively comfortable to very poor. What made it worse was that we weren’t close to the extended family, and my parents were all I had. 

    I had to make money to survive somehow because my mother still had two kids (14 and 12) to take care of. I started with the easiest thing I could think of — laundry. I was washing clothes for my classmates for ₦‎200 a piece, even missing classes sometimes. I quickly became popular for this and soon started my own laundromat in school. My grades weren’t bad, but I’d gotten too preoccupied with making money that I’d lost interest in school.

    Eventually, I discovered tech through a friend and started learning how to code. I was 19 at this point and I already had a lot of money saved up from my business. I shut it down to focus on school and coding. I graduated at 20 and got my first job two months before graduation. In many ways, losing my dad forced me to grow up faster. Even though I’m sad that he’s gone, I’m still grateful for the road that brought me here.

    “I wasn’t ready to go to the university when I did” — Feyi, 29

    Growing up, I was the ideal child. I was well-behaved, got good grades, and made my parents proud. I even skipped two classes in secondary school and got into the university at 14. It’s not that I was done with secondary school, but I’d taken JAMB and GCE in SS2 and passed really well. I got admitted to study medicine and my life pretty much looked like a straight line towards becoming a doctor at 20.

    I got into school and quickly found out how brutal it was. I wasn’t used to the long classes. I’d never lived outside of home, and I didn’t even know how to take care of myself outside the influence of my parents. But that was easy to learn. The hardest part was blending in with people who were several years older than me. 

    I had classmates who had boyfriends, and who’d talk about sex like it wasn’t a big deal. Meanwhile, the closest thing I ever had to a boyfriend was a class crush that lasted one term. I didn’t even know “Netflix and Chill” meant something else until my third year in school. 

    Even though I’ve always been proud of the fact that I grew up fast and had excellent grades, I realized that I had poor social skills.Growing up too fast had done nothing to prepare me for life in school.

    “My parents were never around so I had no choice” — Ibrahim, 22

    My parents worked late every day, and they went to parties on weekends. It also didn’t help that I was the first of  five kids. We used to have a maid, but she was sent away after she had a physical fight with my mum. Somehow, all her duties were transferred to me when I was only 8. 

    I’d take care of my siblings after school and wash their uniforms. I cooked most of the food we ate, and I did most of the chores around the house, with my siblings doing as little as possible because they were really young. The worst part was that I had mischievous siblings, who made sure I always got into trouble with our parents for things they did. That gave me a huge sense of responsibility to keep them in check. It’s probably why I’m such a control freak now. But looking back, the experience gave me invaluable life skills.

    “I started working when I was 15” — Amaka, 25

    My family fell on hard times after my father died, and my mum didn’t have enough money to support all four of us through school. After I graduated from secondary school, my mum told me to wait a few years and work before going to university. This was so she could have enough money to support my two other siblings through school.

    I started out working as a waiter at a nearby restaurant for ₦‎15,000 monthly when I should have been in school. A lot of it was demeaning and I was sacked two years later when I slapped a customer who tried to harass me. With the help of someone I met at the restaurant, I went on to learn how to import shoes from China and sell them for huge profits. In my first round of sales, I made ₦‎90,000 in profit. That was the highest amount of money I’d ever seen in my life at that time.

    I continued with the business and used the money to support the family and enrol in school. It wasn’t the most horrible experience, but it forced me to grow up and learn to fend for myself.


    NEXT READ: We Asked 7 Nigerians for the Biggest Lies They’ve Told on Their CVs


  • Interview With Ikoyi Registry – “You People Should Calm Down”

    Interview With Ikoyi Registry – “You People Should Calm Down”

    (Zikoko arrives at 5pm, sweating profusely after waiting all day for this interview)

    Zikoko: Good evening sir (Gives the Nigerian nod of respect). I’ve been waiting outside since 7 am.

    Ikoyi Registry: Sorry, that was the 200th couple this week.

    Zikoko: Mad o

    Ikoyi Registry: It’s crazy. So, how can I help you?

    Zikoko: We’ve been looking for you so we can talk about the scarcity of appointment dates but you’re more unavailable than Davido. What’s going on?

    Ikoyi Registry: Nigerians won’t let me rest.

    Zikoko: What did they do?

    Ikoyi Registry: They want to kill me with work. Wedding every single day. Don’t you people get tired? Because I am o.

    Zikoko: You’re meant to join people together, not put asunder. You have no choice in this matter, dear.

    Ikoyi Registry: You can’t tell me what to do

    Zikoko: Oya, what do you want to do?

    Ikoyi Registry: Why are you people always getting married? Even as you’re always at each other’s neck on the internet.

    Zikoko: Of course, we are. Lagos men are trash.

    Ikoyi Registry: My records say otherwise.

    Zikoko: That’s your problem. What are you going to do about how hard it is to book appointments with you? Do something and do it fast, please.

    Ikoyi Registry: I’m not doing anything. I just want to retire. Two needs to stop becoming one every day.

    Zikoko: That’s none of your business now, what’s your purpose for existing again?

    Ikoyi Registry: So, I should come and die?

    Zikoko: Oya calm down. What do you want people to do? They shouldn’t get married again?

    Ikoyi Registry: Tone it down a little. Or plan it amongst yourselves and try not to kill me with work. I have my own relationships too.

    Zikoko: With who, Nigeria?

    Ikoyi Registry: Get out of my office. Security!


    NEXT READ: Interview With the Naira: “Just Add a Little Yeast” 


  • Everything We Know About Funfere’s History of Violence and Abuse

    Everything We Know About Funfere’s History of Violence and Abuse

    Trigger warning: Rape and Gender-based violence.

    On July 8, 2023, Funferekenye “Bodiowei” Koroye was called out on social media for years of abusive behaviour against his ex-partners. The allegations include emotional manipulation, stalking and rape.

    What do we know about Funfere?

    According to his website, Funfere is an industrial product designer. He previously worked at Daywater Care School, Antler Global, African for African Sports (AFA Sports) and Tecno Mobile.

    Funfere is currently an ambassador for The Balvenie Distillery in Nigeria, and he  runs a company called Studio Koroye. He is also a recipient of TechNation’s talent visa grant.

    His last tweet on 7, July 2023 a day before he was called out.

    https://twitter.com/funferekoroye/status/1677373107164831745?t=mFBpkGkVak7xzz27z1Jfkg&s=19

    He’s also active on Instagram — where he allegedly makes frequent sexist comments.

    https://twitter.com/theoluwabukunmi/status/1677935541428318209?s=46&t=2ONpvA1AtSmbmfzAwN65Fg

    When did the allegations start?

    On July 1, 2023, Ozzy Etomi tweeted about needing help for a woman who was being stalked and harassed by her ex. 

    A few days later, on July 8th, Ozzy made a follow-up thread that went viral. It details the events at an art opening Rele Gallery, where Funfere Koroye publicly attacked his ex, in the presence of multiple witnesses.  

    Turns out the first tweet about needing help for a victim of harassment was for the lady Funfere attacked at the art gallery, and she attached further proof of his violence.  

    It was also alleged that Funfere stalked his ex-partner for two days before eventually assaulting her at the gallery. 

    https://twitter.com/doitlikejuls/status/1677721430937485312?s=20

    Other information has come to light in the hours following this revelation. Some of the key allegations against Funfere include:

    • He’s a known abuser.
    https://twitter.com/lsoogliegoddes1/status/1677768241177845761?s=20
    • His abuse allegedly dates back to 2018.
    https://twitter.com/doitlikejuls/status/1677715669159165952?t=gN8QX5R9SluWNqW67FKAKg&s=19
    https://twitter.com/doitlikejuls/status/1677733827102359552?s=20
    • He couldn’t handle rejection
    https://twitter.com/doitlikejuls/status/1677746890257887233?s=20
    • He’s also been accused of rape.
    https://twitter.com/account20235767/status/1677697711338840066?s=46

    Other accounts, including a different victim, have also come out to share proof of his pattern of abuse.

    1.

    https://twitter.com/aanuaustine/status/1677752830029881347?s=20

    2.

    https://twitter.com/doitlikejuls/status/1677715669159165952?s=20

    3.

    https://twitter.com/doitlikejuls/status/1677727758397366272?s=20

    Any word from the authorities?

    At the time of publication, there’s no sign that Funfere has been invited for questioning by relevant authorities. However, the Lagos Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Agency (DSVA) Lagos DSVA have responded and are on top of the situation.

    Update:

    Funfere is yet to respond to the allegations, but on the 23rd of July 2023, he posted the image below on his Instagram page, captioned “Thank You For Everything.”

    In a now-deleted response to a comment, he revealed that he has lost a brand ambassadorship deal and his business incubator spot.

  • These Events Are Proof That We Live in a Simulation

    These Events Are Proof That We Live in a Simulation

    We saw Dangote’s bum on the internet

    No one asked for this. No one thought it was possible. But it happened. Why?

    People moaned for money on the internet

    Even if you’re not a believer in the end times,   listening to a moaning contest on Twitter should’ve been enough to convince you that this life is a game on someone’s laptop. What’s more, the person playing it is bored and just poking around.

    Will Smith slapped Chris Rock

    And we all watched it live. Was that even real?

    Our currency had the ugliest makeover

    Look at these notes and tell me they look real to you. Even when you’re holding them, they don’t look real.

    Naira gained value against the naira

    Naira has been falling against the dollar all our lives, so that’s normal. But just six months ago, naira was gaining against the naira in the parallel POS market. We were buying cash with more cash. Crazy times.

    The Ooni of Ife became King Solomon

    He was taking wives faster than some of us can get through one talking stage. At the end of two months, this man had six wives. The stuff of legend… or scriptures.

    World War 3 almost happened

    Remember that time they bombed one of the top generals in Iran, and we were all making jokes on Twitter about another world war? What were we thinking?

    The worst part: being Nigerian in Nigeria

    Everyday here is an exercise in figuring out if it’s real life. The cost of staying alive is unreal; it feels like the people behind this simulation want us to leave by force.


    NEXT READ: Why You Need to Go Outside and Touch Grass


  • Why You Need to Go Outside and Touch Grass

    Why You Need to Go Outside and Touch Grass

    You might see free money

    We know  you don’t want to go out because you’re broke. But what if you step out and find money on the road? Have you thought about that? You’ll probably turn to yam but that’s not on us sha.

    You can finally take that social media break

    You’ve been saying you’ll take a Twitter break for ages. This is an opportunity to do it. Why are you complaining?

    You can finally get over your ex

    You’re stalking them everyday because you’re always on your phone and you see their posts all the time. Block them, go outside and meet new people.

    You might find love

    Go outside and meet people. At least one of them will like you.

    You can finally have a career

    They say you need 10,000 hours to become an expert at anything. You’ve probably put in that much time tweeting and arguing online. Isn’t it time you dropped your phone and focused all that time on your career? Maybe you’ll finally get that promotion you’ve been eyeing.

    Your anger levels will reduce

    When you go out and spend an arm and a leg on transport fare, you’ll be too tired to get angry at people on the internet.

    Also read: When last did you touch grass?

    You can have content for your social media

    Even if you must stay online, at least go out so you can have something to show the internet too. You don’t want to be dumping memes only when you could be dumping lit pictures at the end of every month.


    QUIZ: When Last Did You Touch Grass?


  • My Best Friend and I Plan to Marry Each Other if We’re Still Single at 30

    My Best Friend and I Plan to Marry Each Other if We’re Still Single at 30

    Marriage pacts only exist in Hollywood movies. Or so I thought until I came across this tweet.

    So I reached out to Clara, who explained that even though people think she and her best friend, Timi, are holding out for each other, the idea behind the pact is much different. But why make the pact, and what does it really mean to them?

    This is Clara’s story, as told to Boluwatife

    Image: Chris F via Pexels

    I met Timi in 2015, when we were in SS 2 of the same secondary school. But we didn’t really consider each other as friends.

    We started talking when our school set up extra lessons to pump our class with as much knowledge as possible for the coming Cambridge IGCSE exams. This happened over a two-month period between August and September.

    He used to sit behind me during prep period, and at first, we only talked about the lessons. In fact, he’s the reason I know mathematics today. He sucked at English, which I was great at, but was better at maths. It was a help-me-I-help-you situation. 

    Our relationship didn’t progress past classmates till we went home for a two-week break after the Cambridge extra lessons. We got each other’s numbers from the school’s group chat, and would randomly chat. Timi had this friend I liked, so I was trying to confirm with him whether his friend liked me too.

    We resumed SS 3 in October and bonded over him trying to help me get together with his friend — classic Hollywood rubbish — and still assisting each other to prepare for exams. I helped him with essays and biology, and he helped me with stuff like matrix and coding. We also read together in the library. The exams came in November, and it was stressful. Not everyone wrote the Cambridge exams, so it became a shared experience we could talk and complain to each other about.

    I later quit trying to date his friend because I started liking someone else. And that’s when it became apparent that Timi and I were friends beyond me trying to date his friend. We’d even stopped talking about the guy at that time. We’d started talking about how different our lives would be in a year, when we’d leave for university in other countries. He was to leave for Canada, and I, the UK. We soon left school for Christmas break and kept in touch.

    On Christmas Day 2015, we officially agreed to be friends. My mum’s boyfriend decided to take her, my sister and I to a Chinese restaurant that day. It was strange because we typically spent Christmas at home; I’m usually lukewarm to the season.


    RELATED: I Feel Guilty for Wanting to Celebrate Christmas


    I texted Timi about it; something like, “You’re a new person in my life, so maybe that’s why I’m doing something new for Christmas.” He asked where we went because his family also went out. I mentioned the place, and it turned out he was also there. What are the odds that we were at the same place at the same time? We met at the reception and spoke for a while. Then he said it was the first time he’d see someone outside school and actually be happy to meet them. I said, “At this point, we’re actually friends”. It was the first time we mentioned being friends.

    Our relationship became even better after that. We spent more time together, and on December 31, he went, “Now that we’re friends, I hope to have you in my life every last day of the year”.

    The moment I started thinking of Timi as my best friend was when he did something for me that no one else had ever done. There was this book I was reading in the library, “Her Mother’s Hope” by Francine Rivers. It had about a thousand pages, and I couldn’t finish it in one go because I only had a three-hour library time. It was also popular among library goers; people used to rush it. This guy actually hid the book somewhere only I’d find it in the library. He did that until I finished reading it. It was so thoughtful that he considered my enjoyment. 

    For him, he started thinking of me as his best friend when I showed him my appendectomy scar in school. I just found that out when he mentioned it during an interview we had with my friend Jojo in February 2023 — for a friendship-inspired Valentine’s blog. It was the first time someone did a story about our friendship.

    Leaving secondary school was an emotional period because we thought we’d never see each other again. He left for Canada soon after, but I delayed my UK plan and went to a university in Nigeria instead. We kept in touch with calls and texts, but our friendship affected some of our other relationships because we were young and didn’t understand how our closeness could make other people feel a type of way. 

    One of my exes didn’t understand why I’d drop everything once it was time to jump on a call with Timi. To me, it was “Timi time”. One of his exes also asked him to choose between me and her. He chose me, and that’s how wahala started; she left. I think we were just excited about being each other’s person. I learnt how to be a friend through Timi. I had no real understanding of friendship before him.

    After 2016, when he left for Canada, we didn’t see each other again till 2018. It was a tough year for both of us. Timi was going through mental health issues; finding his feet in a new environment wasn’t easy. My boyfriend at the time had just passed away in a car accident. Our shared grief brought us together again. Timi flew to Nigeria because he didn’t want me to bury my dead alone. I still remember hugging him for the longest time, and looking at him, happy I could touch him again. 

    By 2021, I was in my last semester at university and decided I wanted to be a hoe. The thing is, I’m not good at relationships. Neither is Timi. But it’s not because we’re holding out for each other, as people assume. I have some very unorthodox “doctrines”. For example, I believe you should be able to confirm from a potential partner’s ex whether the person they’re a good partner or not. I know I’m a good partner, but I don’t know what it is. We just don’t tend to date people for a long time.


    ALSO READ: I Couldn’t Keep Up With My Overambitious Boyfriend, So I Left


    When I decided to be a hoe, I had a series of short flings with about seven people within a span of six months. I talked to Timi about how I was about to leave yet another fling, and he said he’d just left someone too and that he didn’t know if something was wrong with him because the girl was nice. I joked about us possibly losing our future spouses due to our unseriousness. He said he wasn’t worried because if, in the end, we didn’t marry, we’d just marry each other. It was just a joke at the time, but we kept reaffirming it and even told friends. What people don’t get is that, it’s not a thing of surrender. It’s our way of telling ourselves we’d never truly be alone because we’ll always have each other. 

    I know many people, even many of our friends, will never believe we’re just friends. We don’t mention the pact to potential partners because we’ve learned from how we handled our friendship in past relationships, and I try not to present him as a threat. It’s not like we’re hiding the pact — obviously, it’s viral now — but we downtone it in respect of the other people in our lives. 

    My mum thinks I’m wasting my time and should just marry someone who understands my on-and-off nature. She thinks my relationships don’t last because I’m unconsciously saving myself for him and that when we’re done being children, we’d marry. But we’re not just settling for each other. We’d only marry if it’s in the cards and the stars align.

    My friendship with Timi is one of the strongest relationships I have right now. We have calls that last till midnight, where we’d talk about everything and anything. 

    Have I ever thought about what it’d be like if we were actually together? Yes, but I always give myself a reality check. I’m in the UK now — he’s still in Canada — and I’m not a long-distance relationship girl. I don’t see the need to ask if he’s thought about the possibility of a relationship because it’ll unnecessarily put us both in an uncomfortable position and might ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 

    Why ruin this good thing all because of “Does he love me? Will it work?” questions? I don’t know if he’s ever entertained such thoughts, but I know I don’t need to prod him into any romantic situation. If it’ll happen, it’ll happen. We’re both 23 and single now, so we have seven years till we’re 30, to do magic and find someone.


    LIKED THIS? READ THIS NEXT: I Was Married Three Years Before My Husband Knew I Had Kids

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  • I Couldn’t Keep Up With My Overambitious Boyfriend, So I Left

    I Couldn’t Keep Up With My Overambitious Boyfriend, So I Left

    This is Dorcas’* story, as told to Boluwatife

    Image: Godisable Jacob via Pexels

    I caused my first and only real heartbreak at 21, but even though it felt like tearing my heart out, I’d do it again if I had to.

    I met Joseph* in 2014, our first year at the university. We were still settling into school life, and he was this active, outspoken guy who seemed to be everywhere at once. I, on the other hand, was what you’d describe as a wallflower. When the time came for us to choose a class governor, he was the obvious choice. That was how we got close. A lecturer had given us an assignment due at the end of the day, and I was nowhere near finished, so I met Joseph and begged him to delay submitting everyone’s work by an hour. He did, and that’s how we became friends.

    He soon started telling me he liked me, and I liked how it seemed he only had eyes for me. We started dating about a month after the assignment incident and were together through all five years in school. It wasn’t all smooth, though.

    Joseph was a loud and very ambitious person, a walking representation of an “I must get everything I want” mantra. He always wanted to be better than everyone, the poster boy of success. I’m the direct opposite of that. 

    As the daughter of a preacher, I grew up with a contentment mentality. My siblings and I were taught to enjoy the simple things — food, a roof over our heads and just enough money to meet our basic needs and maybe help those around us. Even though I started rebelling against religion around the time I entered university, I still have the same mindset. Economists tell us that man’s needs are unlimited; we’ll always want the next big thing. That sounds like a wasted life to me, where you can’t enjoy what you have because something else looks better, and you just need to have it. For as long as I can remember, I’ve just wanted to be. Not to want something so much, it affects my life. 

    This personality clash was the major cause of the fights Joseph and I had.

    When he ventured into student union politics in our second year, he struggled to understand why I thought he needed to focus on his studies instead. He also didn’t understand why I was angry that he decided to spend all his savings on a Nokia Lumia when he still had a perfectly working phone because, in his words, “Everyone is using Nokia Lumia now”. 

    He also expected me to get that his sudden friendship and partying with shady guys on campus was because he needed to boost his street credibility ahead of running for student union president. Through all this, it didn’t occur to me to leave him. He was all I knew, and maybe this was due to his “must-have-everything” nature, but he constantly showered me with love and attention. There was no reason for me to want more.


    RELATED: My Husband Woke Up One Day and Decided to Join Politics


    The extent of how far he’d go for success only became fully apparent to me after we left school in 2019. He didn’t go for service immediately because he had to sort out some issues with the school’s senate, so I worked my NYSC posting to the same state we were in so he wouldn’t feel left out, and I’d be closer to him. 

    But even with that, he started getting frustrated about his mates being ahead of him, so he told me he’d decided to make money via internet fraud. I was shocked. This was someone whose parents were quite comfortable and who lacked nothing. His rationale was, Nigeria didn’t reward honest work, and that his parent’s money was theirs, not his. He gave two of his cousins as examples. They’d been working for about four years at the time, but still couldn’t afford a car. As is typical of him, he gave what he thought were convincing reasons why he had to “make a name” for himself. He said it was so he could also provide for me. He assured me he’d only do it for a few years until he made enough money to leave the country.

    That’s when I mentally checked out of the relationship. If he could go this far to make money he didn’t really need, what happens if he someday became broke? I knew I had to leave, but I didn’t know how. Then about four months later, in late 2019, he landed a tech job. I was relieved, thinking it’d be the end of internet fraud. But remember what the economists say? He was used to having more and didn’t want to be limited to a salary, so he still did fraud on the side. That was what finally gave me the courage to end the relationship. I cried for weeks after, but I know it was the best decision I’ve ever made. 

    He’s a high-flying tech bro now — I see his exploits every now and then on LinkedIn — but I know he’ll always be looking for the next big thing, legal or not. I can’t live like that. If I’d stayed, we’d probably be a “power couple”, but I wouldn’t be at peace. I may never gather enough money from my 9-5 to go on a luxury vacation or japa, but I’m fulfilled with what I have; a career, friends and good health. I’m at peace.


    *Names have been changed to protect their identity.


    NEXT READ: I’m the Odd One in My Friend Group, and It’s Lonely

  • All the Ways to Know a Nigerian Recruiter Is About to Ghost You

    All the Ways to Know a Nigerian Recruiter Is About to Ghost You

    Forget whatever you experienced at the hands of your unfortunate ex; Nigerian recruiters are the OGs of ghosting. You’d think you wowed them at all five stages of the interview, only to wait for an employment letter that never comes.

    It do usually pain

    But there are ways to know when a recruiter is about to leave you on read, and that’s what I’m about to teach you.

    The job requires more than three interview stages

    Don’t think the fact that they’re calling you back for one million assessments makes you special. Any recruiter who does this is looking for a perfect candidate, and everyone knows that’s impossible. If you doubt me, just make one tiny mistake at stage seven and see if they’ll call you back.

    The recruiter wears a suit

    They’re too serious. If you make the mistake of showing up without a tie or laughing too much during the interview, it’s all over for you.

    They don’t wear a suit 

    Nine times out of ten, recruiters like this work in organisations that take “work culture” seriously. So, odds are they’ll comb through your social media before even calling you. If they find something off, ghosting straight.

    There are more than three interviewers

    Even if almost everyone on the panel likes you, one person can decide to be the instrument of your village people. 

    The recruiter compliments your fashion sense

    They think you have money and know that the ₦80k they plan to offer you can’t even pay for your Uber.

    They ask for your expected salary

    Whatever you respond with is liable to lead to ghosting. Too small? You don’t know your worth. Too much? You’re worth too much for them.

    Then they smile when you answer

    You probably just named a figure even the CEO doesn’t get. That’s the only reason for that smile, trust me.

    They’re too friendly during the interview

    They’re probably trying to cushion the fact that the interview is just a formality, and the CEO’s elder sister’s friend’s cousin is waiting to resume.

    Or don’t crack a smile

    They either don’t like you, or they recently fought with their spouse. Either way, it’s not looking good for you.

    They say, “We’ll get back to you.”

    They won’t.


    NEXT READ: A Day in the Life of a Frustrated Job Seeker

  • The 8 Stages of Breaking Up With Your Work Bestie

    The 8 Stages of Breaking Up With Your Work Bestie

    After salaries and a desire to NOT live under the bridge, work besties are the major reason many of us remain slaves to capitalism. There’s something about finding someone to gossip about your boss with that makes it all worth it. 

    But even work bestie-ships sink, so here’s how to know yours is about to hit the rocks.

    They stop sending you gist

    This is the biggest warning signal. Gist can’t finish at the office, so the only reason they’re not talking about it with you, or locking eyes when someone at the office does something dumb, is because they no longer value being your work bestie, or worse, they think you’ll snitch.

    They start calling in sick without telling you

    Taking a sick day — AKA leaving you to suffer through work all by yourself — without warning you? That bestie-ship is shaking.

    Or they go on leave

    How dare they take a break from capitalism when you’re still slaving away? What happened to going on leave together? It only means one thing: They don’t rate you anymore.

    They suddenly know what they want to eat

    Everyone knows work bestie-ships are like relationships. You both have to weigh the pros and cons of buying Iya Basira’s rice for lunch, even though you both know you’ll end up buying ewa agoyin in the end. Once they start making lunch decisions easily, just know there’s someone else.

    They actually start working

    If your work bestie starts letting a little thing like a performance review get in the way of hanging out with you at work, sorry to say, but you’re losing your friend to capitalism.

    They start getting close to another coworker

    That’s the betrayal of the highest order if you ask me. They’re rolling with basic bitches now?

    You learn about their resignation when everyone else does

    At this stage, you should already know to call them ex-work bestie because a real work bestie knows to send the resignation letter to you for edits even before sending it to HR.

    Or they become your boss

    Yeah, just forget it. Your friendship is over. How do you gossip about your boss when the person you’re sharing amebo notes with is the said boss? Also, how did they work out a promotion without your knowledge? Just look for another work bestie. Y’all have had a good run.


    NEXT READ: These 10 Things Should Be Added to the Coworker Code

  • I’m the Odd One in My Friend Group, and It’s Lonely

    I’m the Odd One in My Friend Group, and It’s Lonely

    This is Charis*’ story, as told to Boluwatife

    Image source: nappy via pexels

    I’m an extrovert who doesn’t know how to keep friends. I know what you’re thinking: How’s that even possible? I don’t know either. All I know is I can walk into a room and vibe with everyone there, but it never goes past that. I’m terrible at keeping that “vibe” long enough to form an actual friendship.

    I’ve always been like this. My social nature means I stand out among my mates, and people tend to flock to me, even during my secondary school days. But then, when they come around, I engage them for a while, lose interest and move to the next thing or person that catches my eye. 

    In university, I just had acquaintances. We called each other friends but never talked about the important things. I couldn’t just call them in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep, tell them how I was crushing on one guy, or share my worries about my mum’s health. And it wasn’t really their fault. I just didn’t know how to put my energy into being close to people like that. 

    So when I got into my friend group in 2019, I couldn’t believe my luck. I met Rachael* during NYSC orientation at the Iseyin camp. She’d noticed I always got food in mammy market, walked up to me one day and went, “Are you related to Dangote?” I was still trying to understand the question when she laughed and explained why she said so. We became pretty close, and even when I started to withdraw, she’d come to my bed and talk to me. 

    Just before the end of camp, my mum passed away, finally succumbing to her long-term heart issues, so I had to leave camp early and return home to Lagos. Rachael kept in touch and even came down to Lagos a week before the burial to be with me. That’s when I officially became part of her friend group. She got her three other friends to call to sympathise with me and made sure they also came for the burial. I hit it off with them, and before I knew it, they’d added me to their WhatsApp friend group.

    Our friendship has lasted almost four years now because they put a lot into ensuring we all communicate on WhatsApp and even go on the odd girls’ trip. But I feel like the odd one out. Rachael and our other friends have known each other since university. I can just open our WhatsApp chat now and find 30+ messages of them sharing inside jokes or talking about someone I’ve never heard of. 

    They even like the same things. Anytime we plan a hangout, it’s almost always at someplace I don’t like because, by the time the others vote, I’m the only one with a different opinion. Let’s not even talk about how I’m a literal odd number. Before I joined, they were four in the group; I became number five. I sometimes feel like the third (or fifth) wheel, watching the others all perfectly paired up. They have this connection even outside our group activities, while the group is the primary thing I have in common with the four of them. It’s hard for me to just pick up the phone to call one of them and talk for hours. 

    Don’t get me wrong, they’re nice people, but I sometimes feel like I’m outside the group looking in. A perfect example is how, during Moyin*’s — one of our friends — wedding in 2021, Rachael would casually mention on the bridesmaids group chat that she’d discussed with Dara* when she slept over at her place the previous night, and they thought we needed to reconsider one thing or the other about our outfits. Like, aren’t we all in the same group for that purpose? What are these separate conversations about?

    Even their parents know each other. It’s not strange to hear that Moyin’s mum called Rachael on her birthday, or that Dara’s mum sent fish to Moyin. But just three months ago, I had to travel to Abuja for work. Moyin’s mum lives in Abuja, so the day before I travelled, I asked Moyin to tell her mum I’d like to stay over at their place. I was told the house was full and that their dad didn’t like impromptu visits. I understood, but I wondered, what if it was Dara who needed a place to stay? Wouldn’t they have found a way to help? I felt hurt, but I know Moyin would’ve helped if it was her house I needed to stay in.

    I’ve never told them how I feel because I don’t want to cause unnecessary drama. I know I can do a long group call just to rant, but I think I have to come to terms with the fact that they’ll always be closer to each other than me. They have common experiences I may never be able to relate to, but I guess that’s okay. 

    This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to real female friendships. I don’t have a best friend, but at least, I have people who look out for me, and that’s better than nothing.


    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.


    NEXT READ: I’m the Side Chick That Got the Man

  • Nigerian Parents Are Extra and These Responses About the Wildest Things They’ve Done Prove It

    Nigerian Parents Are Extra and These Responses About the Wildest Things They’ve Done Prove It

    Even though parents are extra in general, Nigerian parents take the cake. But just how extra are they? We asked people to tell us the wildest, most embarrassing thing their parents have done to or for them. Here’s what they said.

    “My dad sexted with my boyfriend” — Amanda*, 20

    I’m an only child, and my dad is very strict. I got my first phone at 18 only because I had to leave home for university. Anytime I came home for holidays, my dad would demand I limit my phone usage so we could “spend time as a family”. 

    One Saturday, during one holiday like that, I was exchanging suggestive texts with my boyfriend on WhatsApp when I had to leave my phone to run a brief errand. I still don’t know how my dad got my password, but he saw the chats. And when my boyfriend asked if I wanted to see how hard he was, I kid you not, my dad typed, “Yes, baby”. My boyfriend sent a dick pic, and my dad was horrified. When I got home that day, he beat me so much, I saw heaven and came back.

    “My mum fought me in school over a tampon” — Tina*, 18

    My mum and I weren’t the best of friends growing up. Maybe it was teenage rebellion, but we couldn’t understand or communicate well with each other. In JSS 3, I started menstruating and decided to try tampons since my friends always talked about them. I knew my mum would never allow me to use hers, so I just took some without her consent. She discovered they were missing while I was in school, and she searched my room and found the opened wrappers.

    She was so pissed she called my school and had them punish me. She also arrived 30 minutes later and jumped me. We literally had a dirty fight on the floor in front of all my seniors and my crush! It was so embarrassing.

    She eventually apologised, and we’re besties now that I’m older, but I still call her out for it at least once a week.

    “My dad brought my naked baby pictures to school” — June*, 22

    I was in Primary Six, and it was Children’s Day. Parents were invited, so my dad came armed with my stark naked baby pictures and shared them with all my teachers. No one asked him to bring the pictures o; he just did. My classmates saw them too, and made fun of me for the longest time after that incident.


    Your parents might disapprove, but it shouldn’t stop you from attending Zikoko’s HERtitude — the hottest party for all the hot babes. Get tickets here.


    “My mum visited my boss to warn him” — Henry, 27

    My very first boss was toxic. He had crazy expectations, and the funny thing was it was an unpaid internship. He’d expect me to be at the office at 7 a.m. even though work started at 9. You also couldn’t leave the office until he left. It was difficult, but I was learning a lot, so I endured.

    My mum had other plans. She never said anything suspicious when I complained about work stress, so imagine my shock when she walked into our office at 7 p.m. one day. Closing time was 5 p.m., but as usual, we were still there because of my boss. She requested to see him, and even though they spoke in his office, everyone on the floor heard her seriously warning and cussing him out. Then she told me to follow her home. Of course, I didn’t even try to resume at the office the next day.


    RELATED: What’s It Like Moving Back In With Your Parents as an Adult? — We Asked 5 People


    “My dad shaved my hair in school” — Dami*, 23

    I attended a military secondary school where my soldier father worked. Female students had to be on low-cut hair, and people who grew their hair longer than the required length would have their hair cut by the soldiers.

    When we were writing WAEC in SS 3, I didn’t shave my hair because I wanted to grow it and just tied a really tight scarf every morning so my hair would shrink and appear low-cut. At home, my dad would remind me every other day to go shave my hair and just start growing it after WAEC, but I delayed, hoping he’d forget. 

    That’s how I went to school for my last paper after shrinking my hair as usual. And my dad just singled me out during our assembly, put a comb in my hair to stretch it out and proceeded to shave it in front of the entire school. He never apologised.

    “She told the entire church about my bed-wetting issues” — John, 24

    I had potty training issues and wet the bed at night till I was around 11 years old. My mother tried so many things, including making me pee on hot coals and waking me up at night to pee, but I still somehow peed on the bed.

    When I was ten, my church was organising a deliverance for children, and she attended it with me and my siblings. At a point, the pastor said parents should declare their children’s issues so it would end forever, and this woman really took a microphone and announced my bed-wetting. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. All my friends and a couple of my classmates were there, so it spread to school too. The bed-wetting didn’t stop till about a year later, and I attribute the delay to the relentless bullying my mother’s “declaration” caused me in school.

    “My mum slapped me in front of my crush” — Princess, 26

    My mum had this best friend when I was younger. I naturally became close to her best friend’s son because we practically grew up together. I also started crushing on him.

    Unfortunately for me, both mothers started quarrelling when I was 17, and I didn’t know. One day, I was walking with my mother and brothers around a popular T-junction in Port Harcourt, where we wanted to get a cab. My crush saw us and came to me so we could walk together. My mother and brothers were ahead of us. My crush and I were talking, and he soon started asking me out. I started forming hard-to-get, smiling sheepishly as he was toasting me.

    When we got to where my mum was, and she noticed the smile on our faces, the next thing she did was slap the living daylight out of me in the presence of the boy and all the people around that busy junction. 

    Some passersby even had to hold me because I visibly saw stars. It was later I even got to know about the quarrel. That’s how I just received the brunt of other people’s malice o.

    *Some names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.


    NEXT READ: For Your Peace of Mind, Don’t Introduce These People to Your Nigerian Parents

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  • Just Imagine: Your Favourite Apps Had Honest Taglines

    Just Imagine: Your Favourite Apps Had Honest Taglines

    Snapchat

    “At least, we’re not OnlyFans”

    “You can now cheat in peace”

    “Watch your sins disappear”

    Twitter

    “Leave your happiness at the door”

    “We’re all human, but sometimes, we turn some people to Tiger gen”

    Facebook

    “Where all your parents’ Whatsapp BCs come from”

    “We have all your embarrassing throwback pictures”

    Pinterest

    “Feed your delusions”

    “Pretend you’re creative”

    “Steal and call it inspiration”

    YouTube

    “The university that never strikes”

    Netflix

    “We’re just an excuse to commit sin”

    “The chill is silent”

    Instagram

    “What is real life?”

    “You will buy something by force”

    WhatsApp

    “For family and friends”

    TikTok

    “The cure for depression”

    “You want to be productive? LMAO!”


    NEXT READ: Just Imagine: If Nigerian Universities Had Honest Slogans


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  • A Day in the Life of Capitalism

    A Day in the Life of Capitalism

    For this “A Day in the Life”, we’re chronicling what it means to hustle in Nigeria as Capitalism. Everyone loves to hate Capitalism, but according to him, he’s just misunderstood. Here’s a day in Capitalism’s life.


    4:00 a.m.

    I overslept today. I typically wake up by 3.40 a.m. so I can check up on my people in Lagos. Everyone claims that the people in Lagos are mad, mostly because of their roads and how they hardly sleep at home, but they’re my good friends. They really buy into my vision of working tirelessly to keep a few people stupidly rich. My enemies say they’re doing it because they’re avoiding my distant cousin, Sapa, but what’s not to love about how I run things?

    If everyone had money, wouldn’t I go against the Holy Book that said, “There will always be the poor among us”? Wouldn’t I contribute to millions of beggars losing their job in this country?

    I don’t want to think about things that’ll annoy me this morning, so I send dreams of poverty to 9-5ers, in case they think about ignoring their alarms.

    12:00 p.m.

    It’s just noon, and I’ve already done five presentations on “No matter how hard you work, you still won’t blow”. I don’t get why people just love to hate on me. All I do is burst my metaphorical ass every day to keep the wheels of society going. And what’s the thanks I get? Multiple jokes and complaints about me. This life is really not balanced.

    4:00 p.m.

    I just know some people will try to close early today — like they try to every day — so I have to put employers on alert. One “Can we have a quick chat?” here and one email there, and that should squash any early closure dream.

    But why do people these days just love to be lazy? Before, we had people who took pride in spending all day at work and never taking leave so they could spend more time with me. But now, especially with this new breed of Gen Z, no one even gives a damn anymore. That’s how one told me last week that she won’t talk to me again because of her “mental health”. What’s that?

    11:00 p.m.

    It’s been a long day, and I briefly consider retirement, but I immediately send that evil thought back into the pit of socialism. Rest is for the dead, and my job is too important. I’m even considering changing my name to “No breaks”. Capitalism sounds old, and everyone has already attached it to something terrible. 

    But can I be honest? I low-key like that most people are scared of me. Atleast if I’m not loved, I know I’m respected. They know they can’t just ghost me if they want to keep being able to afford to spend all day on TikTok. Even if they ghost me for weeks or months, they always return.

    I fall asleep, assured that I’ll always be the main character. I’ll always win. And as those spoiled Gen Z say it, that’s on period.


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    NEXT READ: Believing in Dream Jobs Is a Capitalist Trap

  • “Me Too I Need Help” — We Asked Firstborns What They’d Like Their Younger Siblings to Know

    “Me Too I Need Help” — We Asked Firstborns What They’d Like Their Younger Siblings to Know

    According to the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics, a week hardly passes on Nigerian Twitter without firstborns being the subject of one joke, drag, hot take or the other.

    Everyone always has something to say about firstborns, and as advocates for the common man, we had to give firstborns the floor to share their thoughts.

    The ones who are just tired

    “I’m the olóríẹbí (family head), and as a Yoruba man from Ijebu, it means I always have to take the lead, especially in finances. I’m at the age when there are a lot of family weddings, burials and namings. But I’m not rich. No one cares if I take loans. Try to send olóríẹbí money too.” — Pa Gbade, 64

    “They say I act like their junior mummy, but I can’t help it. They can make it easier for me by not waiting until everything has scattered before reaching out to me. I don’t have money for everything you need, but it’s not until EFCC arrests you for internet fraud that you’ll tell me you need money. Help me help you.” — Janet, 31

    “Firstborns need check-ups too. Let us know you’re looking out for us. Not every time billing or thinking we’re fine. Also, sometimes. I need space. It doesn’t mean I hate you.” — Harvey, 25

    The ones who want you to know you’re on your own

    “I don’t have the solutions to all your problems. Emi gan mo need help.” — Tolu, 25

    “I’m not your role model, please. I don’t have it all figured out.” — Uduak, 26

    “Don’t do drugs. There is madness in our family, and I will leave you on the road if you craze.” — Stephanie, 26

    “The same piece of advice I gave them when they were about to get their first jobs is what I want them to always know: Be responsible for every and anything you do.” — Abisola, 33

    The ones who are tired of billing

    “Don’t text me to “check on me”. Just ask for the money you want straight up.” — Ore, 26

    “There’s no special allowance for firstborns o. It’s like you think money appears in my account as per birthright. Let me be a baby boy, please” — Joshah, 23

    “The day I go broke, I’ll come back to you for urgent ₦2k. There’s no law against begging your younger ones.” — Grace, 28


    RELATED: 7 Nigerians Talk About How Much It Costs to Be a First-born Child


    The ones who really want their siblings to stay winning

    “My sister is much younger, so I’d tell her to believe in herself. Think about how far you can go, then reach higher. Dare to dream.” — Stephan, 45

    “I may be hard on you, but it’s because I know you’re capable of so much. You can do whatever you set your mind to. You can blow, and you will. And maybe then, you’ll stop billing me.” — Harmony, 27

    The ones who want you to remember they’re human

    “I’ve made mistakes, and I’m not perfect. I’m not always the best sibling, but all I do is out of a place of love. Be kind.” — Anne, 24

    “Sometimes, I don’t want to pick calls or respond to your requests. No, I’m not being wicked. I just have a lot going on. You’re lucky to have someone older to rely on. I don’t. But adulthood and capitalism don’t discriminate. There’s only so much I can do.” — Joel, 35

    “If I give you advice, and you take it, but it doesn’t produce the desired results, remember I’m not God. I advise because I care for you, but I’m not always right. And I don’t carry respect on my head. I deserve it because my eyes constantly see shege. It feels nice to be recognised for all the sacrifices I make.” — Tosin, 28


    NEXT READ: My Parents Thought I’d Become Wayward Overnight, but I Was Just a First Daughter Looking for Freedom

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  • Just Imagine: You Try to Explain Spirit Animals to Your Nigerian Mother

    Just Imagine: You Try to Explain Spirit Animals to Your Nigerian Mother

    Whoever invented the word “literal” must’ve been thinking about Nigerian mums because why do they take everything so literally? Add religion to the mix, and it’s all over.

    You: I’m dead tired.

    Your mum:

    Odds are you’ve never imagined how your mum would react to the concept of spirit animals. But Zikoko’s mind works in mysterious ways, so we did it for you, and this is what it’d look like.

    It’s a typical Thursday evening, and everyone is gathered around the TV

    Only this time, Daddy isn’t around to force everyone to watch the news. Your sibling somehow convinced Mummy to let everyone watch Nat Geo Wild instead of Zee World. How they did it, you don’t know.

    And then it happens

    The TV narrator describes how monkeys exhibit traits of intelligence and mischief far higher than their “animal” status, and you open your mouth to say the abominable: “Monkeys are so smart. I really think they’re my spirit animal”.

    Mummy looks at you to be sure she’s not hearing things

    Mummy: Monkey is your spirit animal? What does that one mean?

    You: It’s just a saying o. Like a spirit that guides or protects someone. Most times, it just describes the characteristics that someone shares with the animal.

    Mummy, silently looking at you

    Wondering where she went wrong

    You:

    The moment you knew you fucked up

    Mummy finally finds her voice

    Mummy: So, Sola, I brought you up in the way of the Lord so you can wake up one day and decide it’s spiritual animal you want to be doing?

    You: Mummy, it’s spirit…

    Mummy: Will you shut up! I’m talking, and you’re talking? Somebody save me. So you want to be a monkey, Sola? Ọbọ!

    Meanwhile, your siblings

    Mummy (already in tears): Where have I gone wrong with these children? We’re still praying against spirit husbands and wives, and now, there are spiritual animals? Sola, of everything in this world to be, you want to be a monkey.

    You:

    Mummy: So you can’t say the Lion of Judah is your spirit animal. It’s monkey? Ah. Your father will hear this. In fact, everyone in this house is going for deliverance. The devil is in my home.

    You: But, mummy, it was just a joke.

    Mummy: That’s how the devil’s work starts. Today, it’s pressing phone. Tomorrow, it’s spiritual animal. And before I know it, you people will start drawing tattoo.

    She faces your siblings

    Mummy: What are you laughing at? Will you stand up and enter the room? All of you should better go and sleep because tomorrow morning is meeting us at pastor’s house. All of you will explain where this witchcraft started.

    Everyone escapes into their rooms, grateful to have been released

    Mummy won’t be sleeping, of course. She’ll spend all night praying against spiritual animals, all the while muttering under her breath: 

    “I didn’t kill my mother. These children will not kill me.”


    NEXT READ: Just Imagine: You Got to Read the Diary of a Nigerian Mother

  • 8 Ways to Answer “Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years?”

    8 Ways to Answer “Where Do You See Yourself in Five Years?”

    Most interview questions are unnecessary, but this five-year-plan question is the worst of all. How do you even answer it? Do you lie and say you’d still be in their company while you scream “God forbid” in your mind? Do you say you don’t know?

    Worry no more. We’ve got the perfect answers to this question.

    “I live in the moment”

    They’ll know you don’t bother yourself about things you can’t predict. You focus on solving problems here and now; isn’t that what employers want?

    “Only God knows the future”

    But honestly, how do they expect you to know? Just tell them you don’t know because you’re not God. Believe me, that’s a plus for honesty.

    “Do you people want to fire me before then?”

    They should already know you’ll likely still be in their company in five years, unless they already have plans to sack you. 

    “Five years older”

    That’s the obvious answer, but they won’t expect anyone to say this, so you’ll get points for thinking outside the box.

    “In a senior position earning a higher salary”

    The best thing about this answer is, you aren’t promising to sit down in their company. If they offer you a higher salary, great. If not, you find your level.

    “In your seat”

    Old-fashioned, but might still work for some Nigerian bosses. It’ll show you’re really ambitious and goal-oriented — words recruiters just love to hear. There’s a small chance they’ll get pissed, but what’s life without a little risk?

    “In [insert foreign country]”

    So they don’t get blindsided when you eventually japa to the country of your dreams. If they act surprised, ask them, “Be honest. Don’t you also want to japa?” They’ll stop talking and quietly offer you the job.

    “Alive and well”

    Because living in Nigeria is an extreme sport, still having air in your lungs in five years is a legit accomplishment. Every employer would relate to this.


    NEXT READ: A Monthly Public Holiday Would Increase Productivity. Here’s Why

  • Every Girl Is at Least One of These 10 People When Seeking Advice

    Every Girl Is at Least One of These 10 People When Seeking Advice

    First of all, the girlies are always right — take it up with your neighbour if you disagree. But every once in a while, we seek advice from others, either because we want to reinforce just how right we are, or we actually want a second opinion. 

    Every girl is at least one of these ten people when seeking advice.

    The one who just wants confirmation

    She’s seeking advice, but in reality, she knows what she wants to hear. All she wants is for you to confirm what she already knows — she’s always right.

    The O in “opposite”

    She has a degree in doing the exact opposite of the advice she just received. Like, girl, why waste both of our times when you know you won’t even try to take the advice?

    The last resort

    She’ll only reach out for advice when she’s tried everything, and everything has scattered like undone eba on her head. Pro tip: Don’t try to advise this babe because chances are the issue is now unsolvable. 

    The one who might get you jailed

    She’ll only ask for advice on stuff like how to bury a body or plant a tracking device on her boyfriend. 


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    The one who just asks for asking sake

    She’s probably asking for advice because everyone has dragged her for never wanting to hear someone else’s opinion. You can tell because she’ll likely stare at you with a faraway look in her eyes as you speak and just nod at intervals. Save your breath; what she wants to do is in her mind already. 

    The unicorn

    She asks for advice and actually takes it. She also knows exactly what she wants to eat at a restaurant. She’s a real-life miracle.

    The fighting queen

    She doesn’t have time for nonsense. Give her advice she doesn’t like, and you’ll probably never hear from her again. She’s also really good at throwing subs and ghosting.

    The time waster

    She comes for advice every two market days, ranting about the same problem every time. You’ve given every piece of advice you can think of, but things never work out as planned. It might be better to just commit her to God’s hands.

    The “never mind”

    She comes seeking advice, but in the middle of baring out her soul, she slams you with “never mind”. If you check it well, she likely has an ex-friend who spread all her dirty thongs in public when they had issues.

    The advice shopper

    If she doesn’t ask at least six different people’s opinions on one matter, she won’t rest. Then she’ll get confused about the final decision to take. Why won’t you be confused, Bisi?


    NEXT READ: A Short Story: “Say the Full Thing”


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  • Creator Spotlight: Hamda ”The Lagos Tourist” on Her Storytelling Journey so Far

    Creator Spotlight: Hamda ”The Lagos Tourist” on Her Storytelling Journey so Far

    Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.


    Hi. I’m Hamda.

    I’m 25, IJN. COVID stole two years of my life, so that may or may not be my actual age. I’m very crafty and hands-on. If I were a cartoon character, I’d be Bob the Builder. I illustrate, create videos, write and make outfits. I just like making shit. I think the content I create is vibes. I play a lot. I don’t take life too seriously, and I think it translates into my content. It gives off “joy”. 

    You have the prettiest name. Is there a story there?

    This name thing! I was named after my paternal grandmother. She’s late now, and I genuinely liked her. She was so full of life. The kind of grandma who went to parties every weekend. My government name is Oladoyin Hamdallah Odukoya. I started using Hamdallah in uni because I’ve always liked my middle name, but Nigerians always mispronounce and misspell it, so I shortened it to Hamda.

    Oh, I can definitely relate to that. When did you officially begin your content creator journey?

    In 2021. For me it was two things: I wanted to go out more, and I wanted to document my journey. I’d heard people say I would do well as a creator because of my personality. Plus, I used to work in an agency, and the influencers’ rate cards used to wow me. I couldn’t wrap my head around how posting one video got them one million naira. So, I sat down one day and just decided I’m going to be a creator.

    You’re so real for that. Do you remember your first project?

    My first collaboration project was for a hair brand. They shared a promo package with me, and I’ll always remember it fondly because I felt recognised. I did an unboxing video instead of a ‘get ready with me’ and found an engaging way to tell the story.

    Does what you do tie in with what you studied in school?

    Nope. My parents paid school fees for me to study architecture o! I even did a masters. Last month, my uncle still called me to explain why architecture is the truth and the light, but I know I can never return to it. I quit my architecture job in 2019 because that thing was sucking my blood. I’d gotten to the point where I was dreading going to work every day. It was just depressing. I sha took a risk and quit, but the plan was to find another Architecture job. A number of interviews later, lockdown happened, and I was stuck at home. I was applying for jobs remotely, learning new architecture software — and scrolling aimlessly through social media like the rest of us. 

    I found content marketing by mistake. I saw one ad for digital marketing course on Instagram. I found it interesting, and it sounded like something I could do, so I applied. That was the start of my content journey.

    Why did you limit “The Lagos Tourist” to Lagos?

    Omo, I’ve always been within or around Lagos. I was born in Mowe, Ogun state, but my primary school was in Lagos. We used to wake up at 4:30 a.m., and my mum would drive my siblings and I to Lagos from 6:00 everyday. Lagos is home in a way. All my friends are in Lagos. I did my NYSC in Lagos. Lagos is in my blood. 

    I love Lagos, but omo, this city needs help. How did you catch the traveling bug?

    If you’ve ever heard the phrase, “Omo, get inside,” that was me. I think it’s one of the major reasons I’m an explorer as an adult. How did I start travelling? Depression, bro. 2019 to 2020 was the most mentally draining period of my life. I just knew I needed to get outside more. It started from taking morning and evening walks, and I saw how that uplifted my mood. 

    I wanted to travel, but Nigeria and sapa did not allow me to be great. So, I decided to explore locally, and I began to go to different places once or twice weekly. It was generally feel-good, and it helped with my state of mind. 

    What are some of the best projects you’ve worked on?

    The most exciting one so far was my first trip. I think I’m very sentimental about it because it was a reassurance that my community actually sees me, the way they showed up for me. We went to Omu Resort, and it was the first time I organised an event, so I kept stressing over the tiny details. But it turned out well, and I used it as a template for future trips.

    Has it been smooth sailing ever since?

     I still struggle with taking risks. For every major risk I’ve taken, there was some external push. It shocks me how much people believe in my skills sometimes. 

    What’s the most and least you’ve charged to create content?

    The least I’ve gotten paid for content was ₦30k. The most I’ve charged was  ₦1m.

    How do you price these things?

    I have a rate card that states the cost of each content format — reels, feed post, story and in-person appearance. In the end, it all boils down to negotiation between me, my manager and the client. We agree on the content type and projected timelines. I always require creative freedom because I work best when my mind is free. We send an invoice, and alert ma wole.

    Have you ever regretted taking a bet on yourself with content creation? 

    I never really regret anything because I tend to do things with my chest. I have a coconut head, and it comes with the package. I think it’s one of the best decisions I’ve made because I make more money as a content creator than from my 9-5. But I still feel like I’m just starting out. I have some structure, with two managers — a talent manager who helps with daily content and client negotiations, and an events manager who plans my trips and experiences. 

    Initially, I would create content blindly, but I’m finally hacking the monetisation aspect of it and how to leverage communities. I’ve not neared my peak yet.

    Why is it important for you to be managed by two people?

    I used to have one manager to manage me and the event side of things. But I realised how hard it was to balance. She was really great on the client management side, but the events kept suffering.

    And although I’m not a fulltime creator yet, I work like one. So the pressure was a lot. I was burning out quickly, and it was telling on my work across board. 

    I had to hire the events manager. Now, I handle creating the actual content — scripting, shooting, video editing. One manager helps with contract negotiation, responding to mails and generally getting brands to approach “The Lagos Tourist” brand. And the other does things like location scouting and vendor management. Sometimes, we’re intertwined. Everybody chips in on content and gives feedback.

    How do you stay so relatable?

    I think I’ve hacked Nigerian storytelling. We like drama, we like gist — this helps me craft my scripts properly. I’m also always on social media, so I know what’s trending in the country. It’s basically just staying abreast with cultural trends and telling that story with my brand voice.

    Any longterm projects we should expect?

    Yes! Just know it involves plenty of group travels. I also want to delve into podcasting, but I can’t tell you much about it now because it’s still in the development phase.

    What’s something you’d have done differently now that you know better?

    Three things. First, I would’ve put out content on TikTok and YouTube from day one. My Instagram page growth has been amazing, but I know if I’d just repurposed the content for TikTok and YouTube shorts, I would’ve grown my page across board. Doing it now feels like a chore. Na every time my manager dey drag me.

    Another thing is, I would’ve reached out for more collaborations when I first started. I’m a generally shy person even though nobody ever believes me when I say so. It was only when other creators started reaching out for collabs that I realised the importance of it. I’m still a shy girl, but I’ve been accepting more invitations and intentionally asking people whose content I resonate with for potential collabs.

    The third thing I would’ve done differently is charge enough from the start. If I had been communicating with other creators, I could’ve asked them what they charged at what point. In the creator economy, nobody really knows what anybody else charges, and when you first start out, you’re never sure if you’re overcharging or undercharging. So, yeah, I definitely would’ve asked fellow creators more questions. 


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  • Signs You’re Dating Someone Who’s Been Single for Too Long

    Signs You’re Dating Someone Who’s Been Single for Too Long

    Who doesn’t love being alone sometimes? But being single for too long can have some hilarious consequences. From struggling to be vulnerable to not knowing how to share food, it can make dating hard for both parties. 

    Here are eight traits people who’ve been single for too long exhibit.

    They want to do everything 

    Matching outfits, couple poses, couple TikToks — you name it. Every day, they’d send you something new they want you guys to try. It’s pretty cute for someone to be that excited sha. But God help you that you’re not as enthusiastic as them. 

    They don’t know how to share

    This one is tricky because they might just be a stingy rat. But these guys have been single for so long that sharing anything, especially food, is hard for them. It’s frustrating when you’re trying to have a romantic meal together, and they’re more concerned about their own plate than spending time with you.

    They still have dating apps

    Someone who’s been for the streets for a long time can’t just enter a healthy relationship and leave everything behind like that. They might need it for the validation of getting matched, but e dey pain sha. 

    They get attached too quickly

    The first date isn’t even over, and they’re already picking out aso-ebi. The moment they say, “I’ve never felt this way before. This feels different,” know it’s the five years of being single that’s talking through them.

    They’re too independent 

    These guys will tell you their love language is acts of service but would rather die than let you do something for them. 

    They’ll forget you exist 

    They’ll forget to text to check up or ask about your day. You’d even have to keep remind them of your name. They’d go out and forget to send you their location, and you’ll just be there wondering if you’re fighting. No, dear. It’s the long-term singleness exhibiting itself.

    Everything is a competition 

    If you try play fighting with them, they’ll nearly break your neck, because softness has been missing from their lives for a while. You want to play Whot? That’s the day the relationship will end. They’ll give you like ten “pick two”, after claiming to love you.

    You’ll know more about their ex than you know yourself 

    From the first date, all you’ll hear is how their ex’s traits are their current deal breakers. Every two seconds, their ex’s name will come up. Dating people who’ve been single for too long isn’t for the weak.

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  • 2023 K-Dramas Worth Watching So Far 

    2023 K-Dramas Worth Watching So Far 

    If you’re like me, you’ve been in a K-drama slump since 2022 K-dramas decided to break our collective hearts. So we had to do some digging, and we discovered nine 2023 K-dramas worth watching that’ll fix that slump. If they don’t, come and fight us. 

    “Agency”

    A woman who loves money works her way up to becoming the first female executive in a major advertising agency. Agency is perfect for fans of movies with strong and ambitious female leads, like Search WWW.

    “Poong, the Joseon Psychiatrist” Season 2

    It’s a  lighthearted series about medical practitioners in the Joseon era. This is the second season, and they’re finally focusing on the blossoming romance between Se-poong and Eun-woo. Watch this for a good laugh. 

    “Crash Course in Romance” 

    Secret Sunshine’s Jeon Do-yeon and Hospital Playlist’s Jung Kyung-ho star in this drama about two people who are like oil and water. She’s a cheerful former pro athlete who now runs a small store selling side dishes. He’s a celebrity maths teacher who’s always grumpy. Somehow, their lives get tangled up. Their love story will have you hooked.

    “Can We Be Strangers?”

    A legal drama that marks Kang So-ra’s comeback from Warm and Cozy as a legendary divorce lawyer who happens to be a divorcee herself. She meets her lawyer ex-husband again when they become colleagues at the same law firm. What could go wrong? Everything. 

    “Kokdu: Season of Deity”

    Kim Jung-hyun and Im Soo-hyang team up for a fantasy romance about a man who was turned into a grim reaper as punishment for his sins. Now, he possesses a human who looks just like him every 99 years. It’s sweet, it’s fantasy, and it’s romantic. 

    “Love to Hate You”

    A comedy about two people who don’t believe in love. One’s an entertainment lawyer, and the other is an A-list actor. Add a dating contract agreement and the chaotic celebrity life, and it’s every romcom lover’s dream series.

    “The Heavenly Idol”

    A fantastical tale that involves body swapping and devil fighting. Kim Min-kyu plays a high priest with divine powers who wakes up in the body of an unpopular idol from the band, Wild Animals. 

    “Taxi Driver 2”

    For fans of action-packed drama, Taxi Driver 2 is about a former special force captain who acts as an ace for a secret vigilante service. Who doesn’t love a good vigilante drama?

     


  • How to Survive as a Newly Unemployed Nigerian Politician

    How to Survive as a Newly Unemployed Nigerian Politician

    If you don’t count the many court cases and possibility of re-runs in some places, the 2023 election season is over. 
    What this means is many politicians have now lost their jobs — noticeably five governors (out of eleven) and a certain Senator Chimaroke who’s gone on a Twitter rant since he lost his Enugu East senatorial seat to a Labour Party candidate.

    It must suck to suddenly be unemployed, especially after putting so much effort into a campaign, and we get it. That’s why we thought to share all the other jobs these ex-incumbents can do now that they’re back in the job market.

    Activist

    All they have to do is put “Political Activist” in their bios and drop one tweet condemning injustice every three months. They can even throw in random hot takes once in a while for pizzazz. Will they earn? I don’t know, but at least, they won’t be idle.

    Social media influencer

    They already have the two major requirements: followers and small fame. Just get a ring light, start going live every two days, and brand endorsement deals will start rolling in.

    Hairdresser

    Why only get pictured making hair in salons during election season when you can make it a full-time job? Those who learnt how to fry akara and roast corn for campaign pictures can also sell their wares for real now.

    Motivational speaker

    No shade to motivational speakers, but it seems like an easy job. All they have to do is share how they got their first pair of shoes at the ripe old age of 25, and career don set.

    Travel vlogger

    Our politicians don’t like sitting their asses down in Nigeria before, so they might as well take up vlogging. I know I’d love to watch a “Travel to launder money in Turkey with me” video.

    Organise meet-and-greets

    Shocking as it may seem, many questionable politicians have die-hard fans. They should just ask those fans to pay to shake their hands, since they obviously don’t have sense. 

    Magician

    Remember how a snake swallowed ₦36 million in JAMB office? Nigerian politicians are already experts in doing the impossible. So what are a few more magic tricks to them?

    Bus conductor

    They obviously love promising us change and never delivering. Maybe if they become bus conductors, they’d remember to?


    NEXT READ: Can We Cancel Cover Letters and Apply for Jobs With These 8 Things Instead?

  • 27 Phrases Only K-Drama Fans Will Understand

    27 Phrases Only K-Drama Fans Will Understand

    Until I started writing this article, I didn’t realise just how much Korean K-drama has taught me. This is your cue to watch your next K-drama without subtitles. Your brain secretly understands what they’re saying, we promise. This mini-dictionary is for non-fans. 

    Saguek  

    A Korean historical drama, usually set in the Joseon era.

    Oppa 

    Younger women use this word as a cute way to refer to their older brothers or boyfriends.

    Chaebol  

    Dirty, “will buy your family’s silence”, stinky rich businessmen who are also always the bad guys or the ones paying the bad guys. 

    Second lead syndrome  

    When the second male lead has more chemistry with the female lead than the main male lead, so you start rooting for him instead. It always ends in tears.

    Makjang 

    You know those dramas with unnecessarily exaggerated or weird plot twists? This is how we describe them. *Coughs The Penthouse: War In Life series.

    Hallyu 

    Nollywood is Nigeria what Hallyu is to Koreans. Or better still, popular Korean culture. 

    Kimchi slap

    Back in the good old K-drama days, you couldn’t watch a K-drama without someone getting slapped with a kimchi covered hand.

    Noona 

    Term of endearment for older sisters. Or a younger man can use it to refer to his older girlfriend.

    Ahjumma 

    It means “older woman”, but is mostly used to describe those nosey-ass older female characters in K-drama.

    OST 

    Everyone knows OST means the “original soundtrack” of a drama. But it’s particularly popular in K-drama because it usually features popular K-pop artists.  

    Saranghae

    This means “I love you” in Korean. It’s usually followed by a finger heart or those big full-body ones.

    Soju 

    The principality and powers in alcohol form Koreans drink like water in K-drama.  

    PPL  

    Product placement in a drama. If you’re a K-drama fan who uses a Samsung, I’m not saying it’s years of conditioning, but hmm. PPL is basically that shameless but craftily hidden brand promo in a K-drama.

    Jjimjilbang 

    This is a Korean bathhouse. Characters go there to relax, wearing matching sets provided by the establishment. Fights or love at first sight usually start here. 

    Ajusshi 

    This is how Koreans refer to older men. These characters are usually ill-tempered or very nice and wise. No inbetween.

    Yeobo  

    This is the Korean version of “Honey”, the popular married couple endearment.

    Hanbok 

    This is the traditional Korean clothing often seen in historical K-dramas.

    Geunyang

    This means “Just because”. Sometimes, things happen just because, and you don’t want to have to explain it, so you say, “Geunyang”. Mostly used by K-drama mums when their pissed with their kids.

    Aigoo 

    Characters use this to express regret, disappointment or annoyance. It translates to “Oh my goodness”.

    Pabo

    You know how we call foolish people “Ode”? Well this is the Korean equivalent.

    Daebak 

    This is basically the Korean version of “Ehen”. Depending on your tone, it can be an exclamation of excitement, amazement or disbelief. 

    PaliPali  

    This just means “hurry up”. Especially when the character in question is being rushed so all their books can fall out of their bag just so they can meet the love of their life.

    Melo  

    Short for “melodrama”. When K-drama fans watch a really emotional drama, they refer to it as a melo.

    Umbrella scene 

    It’s not a romantic K-drama without the scene where the male lead protects the female lead from the rain by giving her his umbrella. Bonus point if it’s yellow.

    Healing drama

    A drama that brings you so much comfort you just know you’ll end up rewatching it for years to come. A lot of 2022 dramas had that energy.

    “Fighting!” 

    Usually pronounced “Hwiting!” This is how characters encourage each other. It can mean “I believe in you” or “You can do this”. It’s always so emotional to hear them say this.  


  • Can We Cancel Cover Letters and Apply for Jobs With These 8 Things Instead?

    Can We Cancel Cover Letters and Apply for Jobs With These 8 Things Instead?

    Cover letters are so 2018. No one likes writing them, and do recruiters even read them? 

    Anyone can say cool things about themselves in a cover letter, but you see these eight alternatives? They’re infinitely better at showing whether you have the skills needed for any job.

    Twitter profile

    One good thing to come out of the 2023 elections is that most people now wear their foolishness and bigotry as a badge. No need for background checks when a quick Twitter sweep can show if someone has sense or not. 

    A Nigerian mother’s approval

    It’s impossible to please Nigerian mothers, so if she ever approves anyone, you bet it’s because they put the “work” in “hard work”. What else do you even need to know?

    NIN slip

    They went through the seven gates of hell to register for NIN, and that’s the definition of working well under pressure. The NIN itself proves they’re Nigerian, and they’re still (kinda) alive. Which also means they can survive the most fucked up situation ever.

    Name of internet service provider

    If they use Glo, they’re obviously very stubborn and have a suffering kink. This means they’ll stubbornly pursue their goals and KPIs come rain or shine. 

    Good birth report from a midwife

    To prove that they are easy to work with by nature. Do you know what it means to not stress your mum or the hospital personnel during delivery?

    Proof of sanity

    Especially if they’re Nigerians living in Lagos, or believe semo is “elite”. 

    Jointly signed statement from every ex

    You don’t really know someone unless you date them. That’s why exes are the ultimate character witnesses. If they can’t commit to a relationship for more than three months, do you think they’ll spend up to six months in your company? 

    Screenshot of account balance

    Studies from the Zikoko Bureau of Statistics have shown that sapa-inflicted people are more likely to treat their source of daily ₦2k with importance. People who have money can wake up and decide to ghost for a day just to sleep.


    NEXT READ: Recruiters, This Is What We Actually Want to See in Job Vacancies

  • Romantic Quotes That Aren’t Romantic When You Deep It

    Romantic Quotes That Aren’t Romantic When You Deep It

    As a single person, my brain isn’t clouded by love. I can think clearly, which is why I know all you relationship people are not okay. Because how do these 10 sayings make y’all fall in love?  

    I’m stuck with you

    You’ll never be stuck with me IJN. Please, when it’s not like we’re twins. If somebody richer than you comes around, we will become unstuck. Don’t worry. 

    Your body is a temple, and I want to worship you

    When there’s an RCCG branch one minute away from your house? Your priorities aren’t straight, I see. 

    I can’t live without you

    Please, try harder. How were you living before we met? Does your mother know you’re telling people things like this? Does Jesus know?

    Eat for me

    Or what? Will you faint? I don’t understand, do you live in my stomach? Answer me fast. 

    Let me take care of you

    I can take care of myself, please. Do I give broke vibes because why did you think it was okay to say that?

    You’re the apple of my eye

    I’ve never seen an apple inside any eye before o. Quite frankly, if you have an apple in your eye you should see an optician. 

    I want to marry you

    No Jide, you just met me. You don’t want to marry me, you just have mummy issues. 

    I want to put a baby in you

    This is a threat and should be reported to the nearest police. Where will you find the baby? Are you into kidnapping? Double arrest. 

    I want to eat you work

    Eh? Cannibalism? EFCC, INEC, NAFDAC, arrest this person, please. Maybe if you had actual work to do, you won’t be looking for work to eat. 

    I love you 

     We don’t have proof yet, but love is a chemical imbalance of the brain. Somebody doesn’t text you for one second and you can’t eat? Is that one normal? Abeg, talk another thing. Have you tried finding a hobby? It gives the same dopamine , I promise. 

  • Creator Spotlight: Films Need to Be Playful, and Nosazemen Gets That

    Creator Spotlight: Films Need to Be Playful, and Nosazemen Gets That

    Creator Spotlight is a weekly series celebrating young Nigerians in the creative industry doing unique things. Everyone has a story, and Zikoko wants to tell it.


    I’m a person of many names. Some know me as Sasha, Nosa, Saz or Zemi/Zemee, and I might add another one to spice things up a bit. But I haven’t really thought it through yet. I’m a filmmaker, writer, digital collager, photographer, explorer and lover of food and films.

    Shot by King_Xafe

    Do you have a favourite film?

    Oh, I do. The first ones that come to mind are anything by Celine Sciamma. She’s a French filmmaker. She made Portrait of a Lady on Fire, Tom Boy and Girlhood. I like Persona by Ingmar Bergman, one of my newer favourite movies. I love Jennifer’s Body and Kajillionaire.

    Dying because I only know three of those. How did you fall in love with films?

    I was surrounded by books because my mum loved reading. She was an English professor. We were also surrounded by movies in the same way. My siblings and I were also raised by an older relative, and she liked films. We used to go across the street to rent them. I remember borrowing Little Mermaid, Sound of Music and many others. 

    Films became an escape for me, and I think, for my siblings too. Because we moved around a lot, it became our one constant thing. Wherever you go, you see the same thing on TV. It was nice to have that locus of control. My siblings and I used to critique movies a lot. We’d talk about how their accents were too forced, things they could’ve done differently and all. But I didn’t really know it was something I’d make. There was even a time I wanted to be an actress, something I’m still hoping to explore in the future. 

    I saw your cameo in your movie, Ixora. Was that your acting debut?

    That wasn’t supposed to happen. We needed more extras, and my co-director, Nengi, was like, “Go in there, Saz.” My best friend, Lotanna, gave me clothes, and I was just like, “You know what? Maybe it’s meant to be”. I did a little dancing in the club scene. And that was it.

    Did you study something related to what you’re doing now?

    I studied sociology in school, and I was planning to be a lawyer. I honestly think everything I’ve studied and experienced helps me to be a filmmaker. Sometimes when I go through certain things, I’m like, you know what? It’s good for the cinematic experience. So yeah, sociology helped me understand how human beings create structures, what these structures mean to them, how it affects them, and how they control the structures. And with film, it’s kind of the same thing, because you are trying to replicate different structures, and just experimenting with what these structures can do. It was definitely helpful. 

    What was your first moviemaking experience like? 

    My first film was for a cultural club I was part of in university. I was the communications coordinator, and we needed to promote an event. So I decided to make a series of three short films. It didn’t require money. It was just my phone, my friends and then uploading on social media. 

    The first planned film I made and released is Anwuli, which means “joy”. That was when I really started to realise that making films is not a solitary experience. You need to reach out to people and push boundaries. I used to do everything myself: record, direct, sound. But then I just realised I needed other people. Someone showed me how I could connect with people on Facebook. 

    For instance, a director wants to make a movie but doesn’t know how to write, and a writer doesn’t know how to direct but wants to be involved in making movies. Everybody just tries to work together to create something and grow their careers. It’s a community of people who just want to create work with little to no money involved. So the budget for my first film was maybe $300. I was working a 9-5 around that time. I just asked my friends to act, and I worked with a community of people just looking to make work. 

    Afterwards, I was like, “I had to pay people”, so I decided to increase my budget a bit. The more I create things, the more I realise filmmaking is very expensive. Financing is the hardest part of filmmaking. 

    In Ixora’s end credits, I noticed you were the writer, co-director and co-producer. Was it exhausting?

    I like writing. I like being able to bring to life the vision I have when I’m writing, so directing comes naturally. While I’m writing, I’m already thinking about who would fit which role. Even if it’s hard, I don’t consider giving up filmmaking. It doesn’t feel like it’s taking anything away from me. It feels like an extension of me. 

    Some of the cast and crew of Ixora

    You’re a writer who likes to write? Wow 

    Of all three — writing, producing and directing — writing can be the hardest. I’ve come to understand my process, so that makes it look easy. I can do it, but it’s not easy. When someone hears you’re a writer, they feel you can just wake up one morning and write a book. I wish I could do that. But it requires a process. And the process is not just writing; it’s everything from experience to reading to watching things. Playing is part of the process. All of them are the ingredients that produce writing. 

    Does writing your own movies make it easy for you to bring your vision to life? 

    Definitely. I’ve directed other people’s work before, and it’s harder because you’re not in that person’s head. Yet when I produce what I direct and wrote, it doesn’t come out 100% the way I want it because I still have actors who can bring a different (sometimes better) vision. 

    This happened in Ixora. I had a vision of what I wanted out of the characters, but our main character, played by Dafna, brought a different quality to Izi’s character. It felt like she was reintroducing me to this character I made up. So yes, it’s easier to direct my own work, but it doesn’t necessarily mean my vision will come out the way I want it. It’s like, this is what you want, but keep an open mind that I might come out differently, better even.

    How many films have you created so far?

    I’d say roughly 10, including music videos. I’m still writing new ones and some are in production.  

    Do you have any favourites?

    My first film, Anwuli, is a fave. It’s so beautiful. The production process was easy. The only thing I don’t like about it is the sound quality. I wish the volume was a bit lower, and some of the audio parts were crisper. But I love the music. It was an original composition by a Ukrainian composer I met online — Myroslav Melymuk. 

    Carmilla is another favourite. It was just a fun thing to make. Another one I really like is Baby, This Is How You Break Open. When I feel down sometimes, I go back to watch it. If I want to process an experience or emotion, an efficient way for me to do it is to make a film. 

    Oh, it shows. Ixora had me in my feelings. What was the process like?

    It was shot in two days, but it was supposed to be three. If you come with that “It will work” mentality, sometimes, it means giving yourself extra room for surplus. If we had another day, there was a scene I wish we could’ve added, but we were constricted for time. 

    My friend wanted us to make a film, so I brought a draft, but they did not feel it. It wasn’t clear enough. I wrote another one two months later, based on a conversation I had with myself about women’s bodies and how they present them. I wanted answers, and somehow, I translated this dialogue into characters That was it. 

    The next thing was casting. I already knew who would play the two main characters. Next was financing. We tried to apply for grants. But we didn’t get any, so we put filming off for a bit. Later, we were just like, “Let’s do what we can with what we have”. Me alongside my co-proucer and friend contributed money, and everyone else was briefed on how much we were working with. We practised a lot. Shout out to everybody for putting in the work.  

    And are you getting paid to make films yet?

    I’m getting paid now.

    When I made Ixora, I wasn’t. Baby, This is How You Break Open costs zero naira to make. We didn’t spend much on Carmilla. We had to pay for a ₦3k location and bought a few costumes like the dress and scarf — it only had one character after all. I think we spent under ₦5k. Although we paid to host it on a website at one time, but it wasn’t expensive. Ixora is the most expensive movie my friends and I funded. I don’t remember how much it was. 

    How much are your movies making now?

    They haven’t made any money yet. When Ixora gets on a streaming platform, the team will benefit. But for now, it hasn’t made money. That’s another misconception people have about filmmakers. They assume you’re balling. Depending on your background, filmmaking requires a lot of work that might not be financially reciprocated, and you have to be patient with that.

    Do you think you’ll ever do a mainstream movie?

    Yes, it’s something I’d like to do. I’m working on two documentaries now. I’ve written romance and done music videos. I’m openminded when it comes to filmmaking and storytelling. The content interests me even more than the genre.

    You’ve mentioned a French director. Are there other people or things that influence you?

    Life itself influences me a lot. I’ve had a lot of interesting experiences, and that alone makes creating fun and easier. I like exploring films in different genres because they open my mind to questions I want to answer, and I can answer them in my own work. One of my latest unreleased films is a response to Persona by Ingmar Bergman. I’m influenced by music, quotes from poetry books, experiences, experiences, experiences. 

    Most filmmakers have a signature thing they do in their movies. Do you have that yet?

    According to people, yes. I like to have pidgin in my work. And I like a level of playfulness. I don’t do this intentionally, but there’s always some emotion that’s highlighted when you watch something I make, whether it’s happiness, empathy or curiosity. 

    I’m not even sure I want a pattern. The films I make are a reflection of where or who I am, and people evolve. What I make will also evolve. 

    What fun things do you do when you’re not busy making films in your head and in real life?

    I really like to experience where I am. When I’m in Lagos, I like to experience Lagos. Recently, a friend of mine wanted to visit someone in a convent, and because I’d never been to one, I went with him. I just like to experience different aspects of life. I like eating, watching films and digital collaging — putting together fragments of images to create something different.



    Are there some skills you feel filmmakers and writers should have to be able to create quality work?

    Emotional intelligence is very important. Being able to tell a story in a way that’s respectful to characters and the people they represent. Patience is important, but a lack of patience is also important. It’s okay to wait for something, but sometimes, you have to actively go after it too. For methods? I’m not a stickler. I enjoy seeing different methods at work. Compatibility is also important in filmmaking. 

    You make the process sound like smooth sailing. Have you never had a clash with people you work with?

    I haven’t had issues on set. Communication is important. As sets get bigger, you get to deal with more complications. You just have to figure it out. It’s good to work with people you’re compatible with on set.

    Do you have any favourite career moments so far?

    I like hearing people tell me they like my work, explaining perspectives even I who wrote it never saw. The story has gone beyond me. It’s out there, and other people are sharing it. In terms of milestones, it was nice to have Ixora and Carmilla show at S16, and just see people connect with it and talk about it. It was nice to see everybody involved getting celebrated. Having my films shown at several festivals last year was nice. 

    Are there projects you’re working on that we should be expecting?

    The next project I’ll release is an experimental film. Beside that, I made a music video for an artist, it’ll be out soon. Longterm, I want to make feature films. I’d love to work with Celine Sciamma, Love and Basketball star, Sanaa Lathan, and Genevieve Nnaji. There are some people I  want to work with but I also don’t want to work with them because I just want to watch them. In a way that I appreciate filmmakers’ capacity to create and my ability to experience their creations.

    At some point, my goal was to create films with an optimistic narrative for queer people, and I still want to do that, but I also want to tell stories that experiment with what can be. This involves a level of absurdism. I want to continue to create things that make people feel something. 

    Have you watched any film and wished you were the one who made it?

    Love and Basketball I was 13 or 14 when I watched it. I still think with film it’s not impossible. I don’t think it’s an industry where you can only wish you could create something. You always have the space to do that. I can decide to make a film based on Love and Basketball. My character could be queer and find love. I’m not sure if what she had with Quincy was love or not; I would explore her relationship with Gabrielle Union’s character or Sidra instead of him.

    I’d have liked to make Nneka, the Pretty Serpent and Suicide Mission. I’d have made them more playful but scary still. 



    READ ALSO: Creator Spotlight: How Lex Ash Reimagines a Better Future for Nigerian Creatives

  • Recruiters, This Is What We Actually Want to See in Job Vacancies

    Recruiters, This Is What We Actually Want to See in Job Vacancies

    Dear employers, recruiters and whoever is in charge of writing job vacancy announcements, we’re tired of seeing only job requirements and duties. It’s giving nothing.

    I took it upon myself to ask job seekers what they’d rather like to see, so you may want to answer these questions in the next job opening announcement you put out.

    What are the coworkers like?

    What’s the work culture? And no, we don’t mean putting the “We’re a family” sentence. We’re not family members. You know it, I know it. Let’s cut the crap.

    Why is the position vacant?

    Did the last three people who held this position resign in tears? Did they last three months? Before I’ll go and use my hand to sign my prison sentence.

    How many interviews will I need to do?

    These days, some recruiters state the interview procedure, but it needs to be normalised everywhere. Not that someone will apply now and hear, “Do these three assignments before you can scale through to the preliminary interview”.

    How long will the application process take?

    Will you guys reply within a month, or should I just go and sleep? At least, even if someone doesn’t fit the role, gently break up with them. Don’t ghost them.

    How much is the salary?

    This is the real star of the show. Do you think I’m applying to enter capitalism because of passion?

    Is it eye service you want?

    Because some of you will put 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. as working hours, but if an employee tries to leave work immediately it’s 5, you start squeezing face. Let’s not be unfortunate, dear.

    Does the boss’s head usually touch?

    They don’t use to shout at some of us o. If you know you’ll raise your voice because you “can’t control your passion” or you “expect excellence”, better write it there.

    Can I fall in love with my coworker?

    It’s not like we’ll set out to catch feelings, but sometimes, people want to make their work spouses their actual spouses. If it’s a no-no, write it in the job vacancies so the romantics can find love elsewhere.


    NEXT READ: The Nigerian Millennial’s Guide to Earning What You Deserve

  • A Case for Daylight Saving in Nigeria 

    A Case for Daylight Saving in Nigeria 

    Daylight saving is the practice of skipping clocks (typically by one hour) during warmer months so that darkness falls at a later time.There’s nothing Nigerians like more than extra time, and daylight saving is just the solution we all need to get more of it. Just think about it.

    Less time to spend at your job

    You’re sick of it anyway. If we were saving daylight you’d spend less hours nursing and powering through a headache. Where is the bad side, please? 

    Less time to put up with people’s rubbish

    Every time I’m outside fraternising, I’m reminded of how annoying humans are. If we save daylight, you wouldn’t have any reason to be outside calling somebody’s grandmother a witch because she insulted your short skirt. 

    Less time to worry about breakfast/dinner

    The worst thing about growing up is endlessly having to decide what to eat. If the day ends faster, you can worry less about this. 

    Less time reminding everyone you’re single 

    If you’re always asleep by 10 PM instead of wallowing in your singleness and tweeting up a storm about it, you’d find yourself in less situationships, and might finally get used to a life of loneliness. Can’t see the downside, TBH. 

    A break from fearing men

    You know how we’re like, “Fear men 24 hours a day”? You’d have more time to rest from doing that now.

    More time to spend on hobbies 

    With those extra hours on your hands, you finally get to catch up on all the neighbourhood or family gossip. Or pretend you’re actually interested in DIY.

    You’re the family disappointment for less hours in a day

    All those aunties always reporting you to your parents will do it earlier in the day so you can rest and get over it faster. A win is a win. 

  • My Husband Woke Up One Day and Decided to Join Politics

    My Husband Woke Up One Day and Decided to Join Politics

    When Derin* married her campus fellowship friend-turned-love interest, politics was the last thing she saw in their future. She talks about why she decided to follow his lead, fearing for her children’s safety and other challenges when you’re in the public eye.

    This is Derin’s story, as told to Boluwatife

    Pexels

    When we met, Debo* was a mild-mannered church boy. We became close friends, and soon realised we had similar dreams, We were simple people who just wanted to do business and serve God with our finances.

    He proposed marriage to me soon after I graduated from Lagos State University in 2011. We’d actually met there, in the campus fellowship I joined in my second year. He was in his finals.

    We got married in 2012, and had two kids in succession. We didn’t lack anything. His real estate business was growing steadily, and I was into retailing female fashion items. We’re both quite entrepreneurial, so the long-term goal was to build a business empire. We’d own multiple businesses and support the church financially. And we were on track, until politics entered the picture.

    I should mention that all through our years of friendship and brief courtship before marriage, politics was never in the picture. No reaction to national issues or conversations gave the tiniest idea that he’d someday be interested in politics. Business and church had always been his priorities. We were — and still are — very religious, so we just focused on God guiding us through the way and blessing the works of our hands.

    Then in 2016 — four years into our marriage — people started coming to him to talk about politics. He had become quite successful in real estate, which meant he had access to an impressive network of people. They told him how much real impact he’d make if he were part of the people making decisions that affected the nation and even the business sector. He relayed their suggestions to me, and I wasn’t in support. 

    Everyone knows politics is a dirty and often violent game. I didn’t even think he was seriously considering it till he woke up one day and said he would become a card-carrying member of one of the popular parties. I kicked against it. This was a party known for thuggery and corruption, but he assured me he wasn’t actually running for office, he was only joining. According to him, there was no way to make light take the place of the darkness in our society if the light decided to cower away. I had to agree.

    He eventually became fairly active. He’d attend their meetings and conventions, which seemed to triple in frequency as election season drew closer. His weekends became filled with party activities. I hated it, but I could do nothing except pray for him and hope his interest would end with becoming a member. It didn’t. He came home one day in late 2018 and said he felt God was leading him to contest in the 2019 elections for a federal representative seat in his hometown.

    This was a big shock for two primary reasons. One, we weren’t in the habit of making significant decisions without agreeing as a family and seeking God’s approval together. Two, when did running for office enter the picture? We had extensive talks about it, and again, I agreed though I wasn’t so sure about it. He’s my husband, I have to follow his lead. Apart from the somehow-ness of politics, I’m also not a big fan of begging people to “Please, vote for me”. There’s this desperation attached to it that doesn’t sit well with me.

    He picked the form and started campaigning in earnest. The first hurdle to cross was the party primary elections. I think two people from his party were also seeking the party’s ticket. The campaigns meant he had to leave our home in Lagos a lot to oversee things in his hometown. I also tried to attend some of the campaign efforts.

    I wasn’t as involved in the campaigns as he was because it really wasn’t my thing, and less attention was placed on the spouses since it was still just the primaries.

    We had to start moving with armed police officers though, because joining politics automatically opens you up to more eyes. We also had to take down pictures of our children from social media just to be safe. Our finances really took a hit during this period because most of the campaign efforts were out of pocket. Most of which involved providing relief packages for his constituency, refurbishing a water distribution system, and all those small small monies here and there to community heads to boost popularity.


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    These tactics seemed to work because he became something like a household name. According to his team on the ground, his campaign materials were everywhere and the people knew his name. He was like the people’s favourite to win the primaries.

    Then one day, the party leaders called him aside and suggested he entered into some sort of covenant with them so they’d be assured of his loyalty if he eventually got the party’s ticket and won the House of Representatives elections. It already sounded diabolical, and my husband refused. He assured them he had the party’s interests at heart and that they could take his word for it. They obviously weren’t pleased with that response because after he won the first primary election, they cancelled it due to some “irregularities” they noticed and slated a date for a re-run. 

    On the eve of the re-run, they came out to say they didn’t want an election again, stating that the party stakeholders had appointed someone to represent the party instead. That’s how my husband’s ambitions ended.

    I’m somewhat relieved, but it feels like it’s just the start of his political career. He didn’t run in the 2023 elections, but we’re already in the public eye. It means I can’t tweet anything I like or even go to the cinema alone for a late-night movie, and I’m still concerned for his and our children’s safety once in a while.  

    I know 2019 won’t be the last time he’ll try to run for office, because I sense how uneasy he feels about the state of the nation. His favourite line now is, “We need godly people in government.” He may not run now, but definitely when the political landscape changes for the better. For me, I’m just prepping myself to pray for and support him when the time comes.


    *Names have been changed for the sake of anonymity.


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  • How K-Pop Fans Can Reduce the Anxiety This Election Period

    How K-Pop Fans Can Reduce the Anxiety This Election Period

    As a Nigerian, everything must feel a little too much right now, and your anxiety might be over the roof. If you’re a K-pop fan, here are seven things you can do to reduce the anxiety.

    Listen to your favourite song

    It can be an old one from when you first started stanning your faves or that one song that’s always ringing in your ear. Listen to it as many times as it’ll take for you to start dancing a little, so you know you’re getting relief. 

    Watch your favourite episodes of their reality TV shows

    Nothing gives you more joy than seeing your faves being their silliest, funniest selves. Laugh at them attempting to cook or cheating in games. Watch as many times as needed. 

    Reenact your favourite music video

    You’ve been lying to yourself for months that you’ll learn the dances anyway. Time to cross it off your bucket list. All that sweating around will have you forgetting all your problems for a while at least, and you get to learn something new

    Go on a marathon of your favourite band

    Think of it as a listening party of all your favourite songs by them. You’re helping them get more streams, and it’s sparking joy. A win is a win. 

    Cook a Korean dish

    Nothing too difficult or with ingredients that are too hard to find. Simple rice, cucumber kimchi and beef will do the trick. For bonus points, you can pretend you’re eating the meal with your faves. 

    Stalk your bias

    Be more intentional about it than normal. Make a collage of your best pictures, imagine dyeing your hair the same colour as theirs, just savour it. 

    Shop for merch

    Even if you don’t have the money to buy them yet just looking at them will fill your heart with so much happiness. But if you have money, buy something. Waiting for a package is an exciting feeling.