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Independence | Zikoko!
  • How To Let Your Nigerian Parents Know That You Have Grown Wings

    Listen, you need to assert independence with Nigerian parents or they will never let you live the life you’re destined to live. If you want to let them know that you have grown wings, follow our advice and claim your independence.

    1. Start small: Come home late.

    If you have a curfew, go past it. Maybe once a week at first, and then two times, and finally four times in a row. First, they will complain. And then complain further. Finally, they will keep quiet. You’re becoming a bad bitch.

    2. Go further: Don’t sleep at home.

    They should have known that it was bound to happen. After all, you’ve gone past your curfew consecutively. When you go back home, they’ll likely ask you to return to where you’re coming from. Don’t answer them. Don’t go anywhere. Stand and look at them. Ehen, what will they do? Will they beat you?

    3. Go even further: Dye your hair.

    Omo Ghetto (The Saga)": The Official Video for “Askamaya Anthem” feat.  Funke Akindele-Bello, Chioma Akpotha, Eniola Badmus & Bimbo Thomas is Here!  | BellaNaija

    This one will be revealed by surprise. First tie scarf around the house. They will think you have changed your ways. And then one day when they have guests, remove the scarf and show them your purple or gold hair. Let shock catch them. They kuku cannot start commanding you in front of visitors. You that you’re an intern bad bitch.

    4. Ascend: Get a tattoo.

    You know what’s even badder? When you use their money. Say, they gave you school fees or money to buy their medications. Or even money to cook soup. Imagine the scenario:

    Your parents: BISOLA!

    You: Yes? (chewing gum)

    Your mother: What happened to the soup we said you should cook?

    You: I’ve used the money to draw tattoo oh.

    It’s shout they will shout. Last-last, they will give you another money to cook soup.

    5. Reign supreme: Turn the living room to a night club.

    What is bad in that? Is it not you that will still inherit the house?

    6. Confront them: Tell them that you have no plans to marry.

    Or give birth to children for that matter. If they ask you why, tell them that you’re not for that life. This is how you should say it:

    “I’m a happening babe, please. Don’t stress me. If you want grandchildren, adopt.”

    They’ll probably disown you after everything, but don’t panic. You be bad bitch. Bad bitch no dey panic.

    Omo Ghetto At It Again - YouTube

  • 5 60-Year-Old Nigerians Talk About When Nigeria Was Good

    Citizen is a column that explains how the government’s policies fucks citizens and how we can unfuck ourselves.


    Today, Nigeria turns 60 as an independent nation. But how has the journey really been, especially for people who have been there from the start? We decided to ask a few older people to take us through Nigerian at inception and Nigeria now.

    1. Funke, 60/Female

    I was born in 1960, in Igbara-Oke, present-day Ondo state. Things were easy back then. Everything went smoothly, and there were no thieves. You could travel from Lagos to Abuja and nobody would waylay you. We didn’t have electricity then, but it didn’t matter. 

    There were few private schools, and the government fed students. On Independence Day, students would line up and they would be given many souvenirs like pencils, rulers and bottles. If you were resuming school, all you had to take along was your house wear and your pail for fetching water. The rest would be provided by the government. Once you graduated from school, you were guaranteed to get a job. 

    During the days of Gowon, the economy was going well. If you bought rice for one kobo, you wouldn’t be able to finish it. However, as the population increased, things got harder. Now, how much is rice?

    2. Akin, 60/Male

    When I was in primary school around 1970, things were not bad like this. There was not much proliferation of private schools and most schools were public and well funded.

    On Independence Day like this, all the schools were given free food, rulers, notebooks and many other things that students would take home.

    The economy was strong. Our leaders focused on agriculture. The healthcare system was also well funded, especially under the era of the Unity Party of Nigeria headed by Chief Obafemi Awolowo.

    On this Independence Day, I just want to tell Nigeria to go back to the regional system. If we go back to the regional system of government, there would be competition among the regions to be better.

    3. Emeka, 60/Male

    As kids, 2 kobo was enough to feed us. However, things have drastically changed. 

    With regards to the transport sector, there were the usual danfos, taxis and molue in Lagos state. And the transport fare was like 20 kobo or 50 kobo.

    During the days of Muritala Muhammed, if you bought something for ₦20, you couldn’t finish it. However, by the time it got to Abacha’s tenure, things were changing. Still, you cannot compare those days to now. The price of fuel has increased, and it has really changed things. The price of things has become more expensive. 

    The inter-state journey was much safer back then, too. If you had a fault with your car on the way, you could fix it on the road. However, these days, you cannot travel at night.

    Right now, my prayer is that God changes the heart of Nigerian leaders. 

    4. Elizabeth, 60/Female

    When I was born, Nigeria was peaceful. Healthcare was better. You could walk into a government hospital and get a stress-free consultation. The hospital staff did not intimidate patients. They were friendly.

    You could rent a house for as low as ₦5. However, nowadays, if you don’t have  more than ₦100,000, you cannot get a decent place to live. Transport, food and housing have become very expensive. 

    My opinion is that Nigeria has not gotten better in 60 years. I want to tell our leaders to have the fear of God and grow genuine love for the people. If they can imbibe these qualities, I think the country will get better. 

    5. Dele, 60/Male

    Growing up, it was on one of Nigeria’s Independence Days that I drank Coke. It was so big I couldn’t finish it. That day was such a happy day for me and my friends.

    However, things have drastically changed. In Divisional Teacher’s College, Oye-Ekiti where I attended, we were paid ₦80 naira, even as students. School fees were ₦50, and it was subsidised. We had good meals because there was adequate feeding for students.

    On this occasion of Nigeria’s independence, my advice for the government is that they allow themselves to feel embarrassed. They should look at how things were before and how things are running in other countries and do the needful. The government must try to make Nigeria better.

    Check back every weekday by 10am for more Zikoko Citizen stories.

  • 1. When you first get your place and you realise you won’t need to tell your parents you’re going for a vigil to escape to Sip on Fridays anymore

    2. When you first get to the space and realise furniture doesn’t grow on trees, money actually has to flow to furnish

    3. This is the way you run to turn off the light when you remember the NEPA bill of last month and you see the toilet light you left on

    4. This is the amount of swag you’ll use to tell your female friends you have your own place

    5. Living alone is all fun and games until you hear somebody opening your fridge door at 2 in the morning, but you live alone

    6. When you turn to a professional at playing hide and seek when your landlord starts disturbing you for next year’s rent, and you start wondering who was chasing you from your father’s house

  • QUIZ: How Nigerian Are You?


    [quiz_checklist quiz=”how_nigerian_are_you”]